#WHO am I even if i can't post something for a silly day? my reputation is over. im a fraud /j

[prettymediocrewizard]

unfortunate that I see it's apparently yaoi day and I have nothing new to show for it. I'll make up for it soon (ˉ▽ˉ；)...

however I'm gonna reblog some old stuff just for the occasion. So sorry to pop up a bunch lol

[uhgood-girl]

someone (hi, @sweetjikook, careful what you ask for, idk if this is what you wanted lol) asked me what my thoughts are on current jikook in my last post and in an attempt to not be redundant with all of the information already out there, all i can really think about is offering everyone some insight/context on a situation that i know a lot of people probably don't have experience with but i do.

have you ever been in relationship you had to hide?

but between just you and me, having everyone convinced i'm really bad at it is part of the self defense mechanism i built in a long time ago to make sure that when i have to lie, about the more serious things, the things that matter, no one can call my bluff. because i'm actually really good at it. i wasn't given a choice not to be.

how good of a liar are you? me, personally, if you were to ask, i would tell you i'm an awful one. just absolutely no good, can't control my face, i have skin that's prone to blushing (me + seokjin = 1 whole tomato), and even if i manage to get the lie out, it won't take me long to break. and these days, for the most part, that is delightfully true. most of my lies now are white or just silly, meant to be discovered immediately. i have significantly less to lose and am in a space that doesn't require that sort of skill in me anymore.

having to pretend you don't love someone when you really, really do is not for the faint of heart. for every moment alone you can steal together, those precious hours, or if you're lucky days, where no one else is around and you can finally let out all of the pent up affection and desire just to be close to each other that has been building up for who knows how long, there is far more time simply spent alone. alone, as in by yourself and then the type of alone in a crowded room, your partner visible and right there, but as good as miles away for all the ability you have to be near them how you would prefer to be. it's a special sort of hell, to be frank, and the only reason it's worth it is if you and the other person can some how make it work in spite. and i do mean in spite, because there are so many things to spite in those circumstances, but i digress.

truthfully (lol okay, but really), i think when you can ignore the reasons you're having to do it in the first place, there's something rather romantic about hiding. i'm not the first person to write about it and think so. it really does heighten the whole relationship experience. every secret smile shared, every touch stolen, every love letter slipped between the pages of a book passed back and forth in the hall, between classes, (don't romanticize your trauma, folks. do as i say, not as i do) it's low key addictive.

you know when you're in a group and someone says something bizarre and your eyes find your partner already staring back at you with an expression that confirms you're both thinking the exact same thing? that lightning zap of recognition down your spine, a warmth rushing your head and chest because there are few greater feelings than to know and be known, dearly, intimately? it's a little like that, but every single time you look at each other because what you're sharing, it's always a secret. and when it's just you and someone else against the world, it fosters a very specific type of camaraderie and trust, because there are real stakes at play if you mess up. if you are discovered, you risk safety, reputation, and worst case scenario permanent separation, just to name a few.

now, before we continue, i want to take a second and make sure you're not letting any potential preconceived notions about lying, that it's always bad, that thou shall not do it, whatever, cast any sort of moral judgements on the liar. we don't have time or room for that here. if you've never been in an environment where lying was required of you at the risk of yours or worse, someone you love, their well-being, good for you, i hope that never changes. but i ask that you take a second to recognize that lying is not always a negative, deceit not always malicious in intent.

you know who i think is a really good liar? jungkook. are you surprised? good, he's doing it right. call it "it takes one to know one" maybe, but i've watched our little baby star candy get wise fast over the years and at this point, he's got hiding in plain sight (i'm sorry, it's too applicable, iykyk) aka lying by omission down pat. he and i think everyone else involved, actually, knows that most people are going to go out of their way to explain his and jimin's actions as something else. homophobia in this case is both the sword and shield, as is the convenient culture of skinship and the rest of bangtan's puppy tornado physical affection with each other. i'm not saying they wouldn't be like that anyway, i think they would, i'm just saying it's a very convenient smokescreen for people trying to hide otherwise.

also, i'm not trying to make anyone here sound like some sort of evil mastermind, but it's my own personal theory that a lot of the more incriminating situations we've seen on camera were on purpose. whether pushed by jikook themselves (ehh) or the company (probably the latter, bc they're sure as hell in the know), i think something like having an obvious hickey and the culprit's admitting to it was a bit of a boundary test to see just how much they could get away with. people are explaining it away as something totally normal between friends? excellent, write that down.

i, for one, am glad for it. someone out of that pairing needs to be good at it and it is not mr. park lol. jimin is great at so so many things, look, i think he's a slytherin too, but just cunning and ambition does not a good liar make. his "flaw" is his sincerity, he means things too much. it's why those early years of him crushing on jk feel so painfully palpable. it's why you're not going to catch him in a live with the other man, at least not a spontaneous one, anytime soon. (he can't even play it cool in the comments, be so for real right now. on that note, jk isn't necessarily playing it cool either in those lives, but people are faster to write his actions off like i discussed above, for whatever reason suits them, and he knows it.) jimin protects himself and jk by not putting himself in unplanned situations where he's forced to lie to anyone's face (if he can help it) in the first place. it's one of the reasons we've gotten, imo, some of the most insightful answers about jikook from him directly (i love waking up and seeing him, i would want to have him with me if i was stranded on an island, etc.) because if you put him on the spot, 9 times out of 10 he's going to tell some form of the truth.

jk means things too, please don't think i'm accusing him of being disingenuous, i just think he's filled in for what jimin lacks and in this case and particular situation, jimin lacks a single false bone in his body. and really good partnerships have that sort of synchronicity, no? it's one of the reasons i think they work so well, why they've made it this far. that, and i really do think they have all of bangtan and the company behind them too, but that's a different post.

so, my thoughts overall on current jikook aren't really all that different from the perception i have had of them over the last few years. i think they're together and experiencing all of the ups and downs that come with every long term relationship with the unfortunate added pressure of not being able to be open about it (+ being world famous idols + living in an openly homophobic country + impending enlistment ++++ a 100 other things. the cards are really stacked here, sadly.) though, because of idol culture, it's not like they could be open even if they were in het relationships, something that i think is both shitty but also helps them in the long run. and again, i have been in this long enough now that i don't really sweat "evidence" that comes out against them while they are still being loud in their own way. if anything, depending on what it is, i like it because it is further cover for a couple with a whole hell of a lot to potentially lose if they're genuinely exposed. (when i say i like it, this does not include videos of jk potentially being stalked. and my shortest response i could give you in regard to those videos are 1. if it's him, fuck those videos and the people who filmed them, i hope you rot, i didn't see anything that makes me change my opinion of jikook. 2. if it's not him, fuck those responsible and the whole concept still but more ground cover for jikook at least.)

this too is why i'm not particularly bothered by people shipping them with other members. i know i keep emphasizing it, but when the name of the game here is HIDE, every misdirection is a boon. if tae wants to get on live and talk about jk and how close they are, knowing that it will cause a certain faction of people to be loud afterward, so be it. those are literally his best friends/brothers and if taking some of the heat lets them slip further into the background, tae has shown himself to be extremely protective of those he cares about and uniquely clever (now, whether jikook still want him to be doing that at this point can be debated, but i still think his overall intentions are probably good. though don't get me started on how that misdirection is potentially working in his own favor as well lol)

end of day, being in a relationship you have to hide is really fucking hard. it is stressful and painful and heartbreaking and you spend so much time terrified for yourself and your partner that on long nights when you are alone again and you have cried yourself to exhaustion for the nth time, you wonder if it's really worth it, if maybe the purest act of love you could give someone is just letting them go. and if you are unlucky, as i was, the choice is eventually taken away from you altogether. your relationship ends because the world steps in and puts mountains between you and this is not fiction but real life, so you are young and powerless to do anything about it. i wouldn't wish it on an enemy, much less people i really care for. if i'm being really super duper honest here, sometimes the thought of jikook not actually being in a relationship feels like relief to me.

obviously i dont think our situations are perfectly comparable, the main thing being they've kind of already made it. they're adults with their own homes and money and elaborate support systems that seem to include their family and closest friends. if they were exposed tomorrow, who's to say it would even ruin their careers, bangtan have made such an impact on the world at this point it's not a sure thing. but still. it would hurt, needlessly so. it wouldn't be a walk in the park by any means. even if they ever come out on their own, on their own terms, it won't be easy and i simply wish the world was not that way. i think it's really fucking stupid that the world is still this way.

so i know for me, personally, if we ever get confirmation that they're not together...okay. i think my heart will simultaneously clench and unclench. i think i will secretly maintain that they were together at some point, honestly you can snatch that belief from my cold dead hands, but i will not be upset that two people i (parasocial? we still don't know her) care deeply for are suddenly at less a certain type of risk of being harmed.

but until they stop being so loud for anyone paying attention on main, i will be right here, rooting for them to beat the odds. if anyone could, i think it's them.

[sgiandubh]

Outside of Marple's clear stalker tendencies, did it never occur to her, that posts can be scheduled, that he has an assistant (s) who can post and he can post himself? She doesn't really believe that he just posted for 12 hours straight? I mean it seems like she does, but come on. Also, as a aside, sometimes people can't sleep and are awake during early morning hours and are in fact on GMT. I'm not saying he's here or there, I'm saying insomnia is a thing? Weird behavior.

Dear GMT Anon,

Some really interesting thoughts you share with us, tonight 😉. As a genetically life-long sufferer of insomnia, my online times can easily mislead some (and probably did) on my whereabouts. I usually recuperate during the week-end, which is very bad, but also very hard to break.

I am told the explanation she provided was a bit lackadaisical (an airport layover, I believe...🙄).

Yes. Insomnia is a thing. As a good friend of mine was delicately pointing out the other day, it feels both inebriating and then completely draining. And she was right. In S's case, his reputation as the Energizer Bunny might have something to do with very short sleep patterns, too. Why should any sane fan be interested in those is really, seriously beyond me.

The other thing I could never completely understand was this fandom's insane obsession with S's online times and supposed patterns related to those. An obsession Marple (but not only her, to be completely honest) feeds with gusto and an agenda of her own. How can anyone fathom possible travel destinations, leisure activities or even other totally lewd scenarios (let's not be hypocrites, some did and in a rather transparent fashion), based on the time and place of an emoji comment or a like? What does that tell about us, at the end of the day?

If we could hear the Disgruntled Tumblrettes' prayers, this is what would probably grace our ears:

'Oh Lord, what an idiot, what a peasant, what a silly shilling puppet, what an anti-JAMMF this man is. But Lord how I want that idiot, that peasant, that silly shilling puppet'.

Thank you, witty Anon. Come back anytime!

[the-phantom-author]

i feel like there’s one last public appearance of popstar!gf after ttpd comes out but i don’t know what it would be. i definitely don’t think it would be like a late night show because she already knew it was an album truly for the fans and her, it wasn’t gonna be something that’s easy to digest and that was her intention because the last year and a half hasn’t been easy for HER to digest

i think something like a live mini concert for select fans (like you know how some fans will be contacted to go to something for an artist but it’s sort of secret? am i making sense hello) and it’s a complete play through the entire album including the anthology, so all 32 songs. maybe it’s like a few days or a week after it’s released.

she’s been so so nervous because she’s scared that the people who have been invited would tell her they hated it or be mean or cause issues. but these were definitely true true fans. everyone sits and watches in awe, these are people who will support her even when she disappears.

hasan and austin come with her and sit at the very back, it’s not that big of a place and it’s pretty intimate. by the end she remembers how much she loves her fans and music. it’s just her sitting on a stool and her band. stripped back.

but the hatred and criticism is becoming too much from the actual industry she’s sure she is going to disappear for a bit. she tries to savor this moment because she knows how much the pressure is mounting that people want her to just leave music.

there’s no press, no cameras, she only does a quick meet and greet afterwards and that’s it. fans also enjoy seeing hasan and austin there and they also take pics with fans who want to but the focus is on her.

she feels reassured that there are people who do appreciate and love her work but the outside is too much right now and she just needs to leave for a bit.

on the car ride home, she’s crying. not because of anything anyone has done to her at the event. just at the situation she’s been put in and how she’s been made to feel inadequate and silly and too much and a man eater.

she’s just trying to look ahead at just being. going on walks with hasan or working out. being with her friends or his. kaya and her cat. family. she’s firmly being pushed into her reputation era. if they want her to become the villain then she will.

who’s afraid of little old me? you should be.

Oh my God, her last big thing before disappearing is a studio session???

Her and her band just doing the most for this performance to their audience of 32 fans, not including Hasan, Austin, or the rest of the band.

I can the begining of it being hard for her to start, because she already kinda knows that this is it, this is the last things for her fan from her for a while. But getting into it, getting into her performance mode by Down Bad, only to start to break at the Bolter. Because isn't that what's she getting ready to do right now, leave as soon as it gets hard. (That's when she sees the littlest leaks. Down in the floorboards. And she just knows. She must bolt)

But it's also one of her favorite things she's done post releasing an album, it's just her and her fans, and their love of music. I feel like she does try to stay for a while, and talk talk to them. Not just about her album and what they like about it, but anything. They want to about other artist? Sure, she'll talk about Sabrina Carpenter's new song. She'll talk about new hobbies she's trying, or what it's like having a dog around now, or anything really. Anytime to be in that moment a little longer. To be with people who care, not just about her but her music.

She hate that she's been made to feel silly and small, but she knows that she'll get through it, she always does, and with Hasan right there beside her it'll be easier than ever before. And she can't to get to know Hasan without interference from the world. Where it is just them two, Kaya, and her cat. Where they can be a somewhat normal couple. Where she can get to know his family without having to worry about being in another anytime soon. And where she can force him to go to her hometown.

She doesn't even realize how much she craves the domesticy of being just any other couple with Hasan until she's living in it.

[yudgefudge]

My Eras Tour Fits, One For Each Era!

also pls bear with me on this, I am boring and dont rly know how to dress, so these may not be that cool

obligatory tagging the people who asked for it + swiftie mutuals: @dybalaispretty, @lonely-salamander, @rainingmbappe, @liverpool-enjoyer, @purefractals, @tam-is-blogging, @charlesluvr !!!!

General Swiftie Fit: I could only put 10 images in this post so I just wanted to describe my general swiftie concert outfit, which would be the iconic 22 outfit, except with full length sweats not tiny shorts because like. I do not have beautiful slender legs like Mrs. Swift.

Now, onto the Eras:

I just wanted to go for a simple country look. In Swiftiedom, green is the official color of debut, so I went for some supercute green cowboy boots and a simple cowboy outfit! Underneath the plaid shirt I'd imagine I'm wearing one of those "Who's Taylor Swift Anyways? Ew." shirts. I know that's from 22 but I don't care lol.

Yeah don't judge me. I would pull up with the notepad as well, I would write the chants on it cuz I don't like shouting. I wouldn't wear the hoodie unless it got super cold, but I still made sure the hoodie was on theme! Also I'm aware that's not the pajama bottoms she wore in the vid, I wanted them to be fearless-colored (golden yellow)!

Since I couldn't wear the iconic Speak Now dress (way too impractical to wear to a concert LOL) so I went for like, a groom's look? I just realized I forgot to put trousers in this. Well they would be a dark purple, much darker than the shirt, almost black. I went for white gloves because it just gives me bridal vibes idk? Like a groomsman. This fit would look perfect beside the Speak Now dress, which is what I was going for.

Yeah I won't waste y'all's time. I would wear that exact fit. It is the best costume I've ever seen. I just wouldn't wear leggings like she does because once again I don't have legs for days.

I wanted something that would BLIND ANYONE WHO LOOKED AT ME!! BECAUSE THAT'S THE VIBES OF 1989!!! Keep dancing and don't let ANYONE tell you you're too much! Be goofy and silly who gives an F!!!

Yeah don't judge me. Reputation is my favorite album. I would 100% go ham and go full bad boy biker with this one! The shirt says "and in the death of her reputation, she felt truly alive" which is the quote I live by. I think I would slay this fit. Too bad I have zero (0) money.

This isn't exactly what I'd wear. 1) the shirt would have even BOLDER colors. As well as the jacket. This is basically a You Need To Calm Down fit... I love that song so much it makes me wanna dance. Also, my jacket would say "The Man" on the back. I would also do that lover makeup thing with the eye heart.

"who brings headphones to a concert" well DUH i'm not wearing them. Sometimes we sacrifice logic for the sake of the serve! Also, my stuffed husky, Dustin, is part of this fit, but I can't get a good enough pic of him. Just know he is part of this, I wanted this to give "I'm still in bed" vibes, cuz that's what folklore is to me as an album? Idk, it just gives me that, "I wrote this while nestled under the covers" feel.

This is just meant to replicate what Taylor already wears on the album cover. Also, I would have a champagne glass.

And last but DEFINITELY not the least, my Midnights fit! I also designed this as a general Eras fit, because tbh the Eras aesthetic is kind of the Midnights one too, if that makes sensee? I wanted this one to give the vibes of that You're Losing Me line, "I'm the best thing at this party, I wouldn't marry me either". Clearly stylish, but meant to be in the back of the party, not the center.

[lavender-laney]

tag game, writing questions

Thank you @lexiklecksi for the tag! Their post :)

These writing questions were fun to answer!

What is your absolute all-time favourite ideas you’ve ever had?

Probably the concept of Acrylic Body? It's an issue because I love the idea but I'm having trouble executing it, so I think that's how I know it's a good idea lol.

Is there a question you’ve been asked in the past that really stands out to you, and you still think about sometimes?

Probably not exactly what this question was looking for, but! A few times I've mentioned to people that I'm a writer, and they'll say something like, "Oh, what have you written? Can I read some of your work?" and I have to say no because I've never actually finished anything! I don't have something I can hand over and be like "Oh, here's a short story I wrote," or "Here's a book I'm trying to get published!" This is one of my greatest motivators, and why I think about it often. I want to finish a project so I can have something to show for being a so-called writer.

What is your favourite part of being a writer? What parts could you take or leave?

I love the feeling that comes with being inspired. I love when I'm in the zone where I'm just writing restlessly, my fingers can barely keep up with my thoughts, and I'm feeling like the story is playing out in front of me. I could definitely do without perfectionism and writer's block, though.

What is your greatest motivation to write/create?

Kind of like what I said in the second question - having something to represent my hard work. Less shallow, however, I do just love writing. I always have. I love coming up with things, re-reading parts that I'm proud of and knowing I made that. I can't say feedback from other people isn't also a huge motivator, though. If I hadn't had a reputation as writing being my "thing" growing up, I'm honestly not sure if I would've stuck with it.

What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever read or been given as a writer?

I love this quote from Jodi Picoult: "You might not write well every day, but you can always edit a bad page. You can't edit a blank page." It really helps me focus less on my work being perfect and more just having some sort of base to start with, even if it sucks.

What do you wish you knew when you were first starting out writing?

When I first started writing in elementary school, I was very much innocent and starry-eyed and thought I was the most amazing writer, even when I was writing silly little Warriors fanfics. I wish I'd known to hold onto that optimistic and confident attitude a little tighter.

What is your favourite story you’ve written to completion? Link it if you’d like and can!

Still haven't written anything to completion, buuut I am very much planning to reach that goal with Choking on Sea Salt!

What is your favorite out-of-the-box quote?

Probably that same quote by Jodi Picoult! It's one of the only ones that has really stuck with me. Plus, just anything by Mary Oliver always stays with me.

Which of your characters would you say has the most controversial mindset? Why do you say so, and how do you personally feel about their ideals?

In terms of protagonists, I think Sadie's unending curiosity and hunger for knowledge can (and will 🤭) lead to some questionable ways of getting information. In terms of all characters, though, the main antagonist of Choking on Sea Salt (who will be revealed in chapter 2) is definitely unhinged and not in a fun way. Let's say there's a reason he's being haunted by malevolent forces.

If you, when you first started writing, met you now, what would younger you think?

I hope she would think I'm cool! She might be a little disappointed I haven't written a book yet or been published or become a world famous author (11 year old me was very ambitious), but I think she'd like what I'm working on. She'd probably be very confused that I'm a reporter of all writing-related careers, though. I'm confused about that too, though, to be honest lol.

[just-miru]

ayo here's some (many-) oingo boingo and willy woodman songs i think William would really love + some silly rambles

[besides thinking he would enjoy them, songs in bold are also some of the songs i associate with his character and stuff]

---

2econd 2ight 2eer (that was fun, goodbye.) - will wood

this song is just so very William, as well as one of his favourites ok-

6up 5oh cop-out (pro / con) - will wood and the tapeworms

ain't this the life (10" ep) - oingo boingo

BlackBoxWarrior (OKULTRA) - will wood

the chours guys.. the chours

also the part after the therapist bit!! those are his favourite parts of the song

dead man's party - oingo boingo

another one of his favourites

dead or alive - oingo boingo

this one actually kinda makes me think of post-scoop Michael, but ya know-

it slaps and i like to think William has good taste

ferryman - shayfer james and will wood

Willy Woodman's part in the song just screams end of volume 2 / beginning of volume 3 William to me ok-

like-

"never again can be innocent / and everything ends, well, it just makes sense / if up has a down there's another side / in there's an out so it's worth a try / people want each other but they want themselves more / even when your lover's something new to live for / is to die for, therefore to kill for / black has white so go to the light, my love"

to "go [in]to the light" means to cross over into the afterlife, so the implication here is that, because life and death are just another one of these pairings (everything in the universe has an opposite - up and down, in and out, wanting others and wanting oneself, and black and white), we should accept the existence of death. death is necessary in order for there to be life - (via)

like-

this pretty much works in his case if ya think about and twist it around a bit - in order for William to gain eternal life death is necessary and i- i just got really excited over this one adfaghsjsjHahsjjz

anyway, anyway moving on-

front street - will wood and the tapeworms

i'm very mentally ill about this one, so William has to be as well-

i am the walrus - oingo boingo

i / me / myself - will wood

trans fem William trans fem William trans fem Will-

i'm so bad (10" ep) - oingo boingo

he's so bad

insects - oingo boingo

the first time i heard this song i was like "William would absolutely love this one" because he definitely would

it only makes me laugh (1988 boingo alive version) - oingo boingo

laplace’s angel (hurt people? hurt people!) - will wood

and another one of his favourites

also-

"the only ones in need of love are those who don’t receive enough / so evil ones should get a little more"

can't sentence my thoughts at all for this one, but i really like thinking about William with these lyrics in mind, like-

"people who are 'bad' are like that because they didn’t get enough love and care in their lives" ya know?

and i just like thinking how William is one of the exceptions to the rule, like-

when growing up, i am pretty sure he was taken care of pretty decently, especially considering he was "a gift from god", and his "perfect child" reputation

and aaaahhh- man i can't put it into words properly hngngnhng

it is thanks to the care and love he received when growing up that he ended up being the bastard we all know and love.

if he weren't to be treated the way he was, if he was treated just like any other child at that orphanage, how different would he be now?

hope this makes sense asdfaggahshah-

little guns - oingo boingo

this one's so silly, of course William would love it

the main character - will wood

he refuses to accept the song is satire-

memento mori: the most important thing in the world - will wood

this this this this aaaahhh- one of the songs i heavily associate with him!! idk but the way Willy Woodman sings it is so very William, like-

"one day YOU are going to die! not me tho-" ya know??

nasty habits - oingo boingo (tw suggestive)

new generation - oingo boingo

no one lives forever - oingo boingo

i don't think i have to explain this one-

nothing bad ever happens to me - oingo boingo

nothing to fear (but fear itself) - oingo boingo

only a lad - oingo boingo

pain - oingo boingo

y'all this one's so very, of course he would love it

perfect system - oingo boingo

wake up (it's 1984) - oingo boingo

weird science - oingo boingo

and yet another very William song

what you see - oingo boingo

mostly makes me think of volume 3 William, for some reason

when the lights go out - oingo boingo

wild sex (in the working class) - oingo boingo (tw suggestive)

you really got me - oingo boingo

this was the first oingo boingo song i have ever associated with him, as well as the song i discovered the band through

---

have some silly headcanons as well. as a treat

i like to think William is pretty sensitive to loud, noisy, piercing, brassy, etc. sounds, so he has this kind of love-hate relationship with other will wood (and the tapeworms) songs he listens to

he can tap-dance ok- this one just popped up in my mind once when i was listening to insects by oingo boingo. i thought it was really silly, and so i decided to stick with it

he knows how to play the piano, and also the violin

completely unrelated to all of this, but- he absolutely loves lemon flavoured things. anything sour, really

[melancholia-ennui]

hey, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. you did something silly that actually really helped my severe anxiety and insecurities and gave me new perspective; it may have seriously changed my outlook and/or possibly future life.

Warning, this is detailed and a bit heavy at times. Feel free not to read - if you decide not to, just know that you did something I'm deeply grateful for.

Here goes.

a while ago you made this post (https://www.tumblr.com/melancholia-ennui/744585335612293120/so-the-thing-that-i-find-fascinating-about-the?source=share) weighing in on the walrus/fairy poll debate, talking about how many of the people on team fairy who got hung up on "but a fairy is impossible" were possibly demonstrating a somewhat stubborn mentality and getting too wrapped up in the impossibility of a fairy etc to actually consider the poll's actual question.

you didn't say it directly (at least I don't think so - if you actually did and I missed it then I am very sorry, feel free to piss on the poor me etc etc), but I interpreted this as a dig at the type of people who refuse to change a belief when confronted with increasing amounts of evidence that contrast that belief in favor of continuing to consider something 'impossible'.

I'm a bookworm and a lover of fantasy, sci-fi, everything that lets me escape, and in childhood I was definitely the type (and still am to some extent) to constantly wish for some fantasy world to come true to set some grand adventure in motion. I would have *loved* a fairy showing up at my door.

As stated previously, I have pretty severe anxiety, specifically social anxiety. My insecurities are heavily related to not appearing stupid or foolish in any way. When I grew up, I began to always accompany the wish for some fantasy aspect to appear in my life with the thought "but even if it ever were to happen, you cannot let yourself believe in it, because, since it's impossible, it is definitely a prank or trick set up by someone, and if you get seen believing in whatever magic shows up in your life, people will laugh at you for being stupid enough to fall for it and you will have deserved it too. You can avoid this fate by, in the unlikely event that something like this ever happens, adamantly refusing to believe in magic so that you don't look stupid, gullible, and childish to others."

(I actually did not realize until I got to this part of writing this out that this mentality was most likely not helped by an incident in which my family members gifted 8-year-old me, who was at the time very obsessed with Harry Potter*, a Hogwarts letter, watched me freak out over it and jubilantly think I was going and waited two whole days to tell me it wasn't real.)

*yes I grew up since then and realized JKR sucks but I was 8 then and didn't know any of this

Anyways, your post was a bit of a mirror to me. It made me realize that, really, this isn't a way to live. Considering current observations, I do not believe in magic, but if solid evidence were to present itself to the contrary... maybe I shouldn't stick my head in the sand out of fear that someone is lying to me. That's how conspiracy theorists generally operate, after all. And while applying this to magic is a bit silly, it goes for all facets of life - being afraid that people will find me stupid for changing longstanding previously held beliefs in the face of convincing evidence otherwise will do nothing but bring me stubbornness, unhappiness, and a reputation for being closed-minded.

I really can't express how much your silly walrus/fairy discourse post opened my eyes and made me realize I shouldn't let social anxiety color my logic like this. I mean it in every way possible when I say thank you.

Thank you.

so this ask has been sitting in my ask box for a while now because every time I go to reply I get stuck so this time I'm just going to try and write something and if you're reading this it means I decided that 'something' was good enough.

firstly, thank you for reaching out - I'm glad whenever anything I do can be helpful to someone else, so it's always nice to hear.

I'm also sorry to hear how shitty your family has treated you - making a joke out of children's fantasies is just cruel, and I'm sorry it happened to you.

as for the post, it wasn't meant as a jab against a particular sort of person per se, just a lightly humorous observation on what I considered an interesting pattern of epistemic behaviour. with my background in philosophy and psychology I'm always interested in ways that people think and how those can fall apart or get in the way.

I would say that in most cases, epistemic dogmatism - holding any belief with so much certainty that no evidence of any degree could ever change your mind - is best avoided. we, individually and as a species, know an awful lot less than we think we do, and maintaining an attitude of humility towards knowledge - being open to changing our beliefs in accordance with the evidence - is the best way to navigate a complex world. this is something humans are actually really bad at - we're incredibly defensive of our constructed world views and will, on average, tend to undervalue evidence that challenges what we already believe and overvalue evidence that supports it. this has it's epistemic uses in moderation (as any Bayesian could tell you), but it can be very harmful when left to run rampant.

that said, I also don't think that 'what other people think of you' is the best yardstick for developing a robust method for gaining knowledge - whether that's avoiding challenging evidence because you don't want to be taken for a fool, or changing your beliefs too readily because you don't want to be seen as stubborn.

I also struggle and have struggled with social anxiety, but the unfortunate truth that I've come to realise is you will look like an idiot. a lot, actually, if you're anything like me. and you might be able to avoid looking like an idiot sometimes by giving up on or hiding away the things that bring you joy, or by curling in on yourself into a cynical little ball, but from my experience? you just end up looking like an idiot anyway for some other reason, only now you look like an idiot and are also miserable. so it's all rather pointless really, and you'll get through it all with a lot fewer bumps if you bring a bit of joy and wonder along with you. that's my experience anyway.

as for magic, well, I subscribe to the Sir Terry Pratchett school of thought that it doesn't stop being magic just because you found out how it's done.

just take a look at, say, Agrippa's Three Books of Occult Philosophy - especially the early chapters on the properties of the elements - you'll realise that a surprising amount of stuff that Renaissance musicians sought to achieve by alchemy and art we can just. Do now. the method and theory is a fair bit different to what they had in mind, it involves a lot less cosmic rays from the upper spheres and a lot more bottled lightning running over arcane sigils inscribed in magic rocks, but it's still the same stuff: creating images in the air, speaking into someone's ear from a great distance, etc etc etc.

beyond works of Art, there's much magic of the more ephemeral kind - what I suppose CS Lewis would class as magia as opposed to goetia, to misuse a framework - all around us. just walk through a forest, listen to the birds, listen to some live music by a local band no one's ever heard of, share a meal with a friend, watch the sun rise, read a story that changes your brain chemistry then go and do the dishes after.

I mean I could say a whole lot more about what I believe about magic, how it fits into my own epistemology and ontology - but this is already long and rambly enough, and my thoughts are still underdeveloped enough, that I don't especially intend to subject you to them too.

suffice to say that when it comes to believing things I think it is wise to thread the needle between dogma and naïvety, to hold all beliefs lightly (both those you have and those others try to hand to you), now suspending judgement, now taking a line until you have good reason to abandon it, just as long as you stay humble with an eye out for where you might be wrong. i also do believe there is much that is magical and wonderful in the world, and that life is better for taking the time to revel in that wonder.

I hope you find your magic, anon.

[sketching-shark]

Hey! I really enjoy your blog and I like reading your thoughts on things so I was hoping you could clarify on something? (Also I'm sorry if I misunderstood- it's also 4am and my reading comprehension could just be like, bad lol). But in a previous answer you mentioned something like "seemingly very light and cheery compared to og classic Xiyouji" in regards to LMK SWK contributing to writing jttw in the lmk world? I thought og classic xiyouji had a pretty good end though (with the tang monk and swk attaining buddhahood and I can't remember the others atm but they all got something). Again I'm sorry if I misunderstood? Also sorry if some of my words are wrong- 4 am and English isn't my strong suit. But thank you for everything!

Aw, thank you so much anon! I'm glad you've been getting some joy from my silly little posts. BUT ANYWAY what I meant by Journey to the West likely being more light and cheery in Monkie Kid than og classic Journey to the West was that even though it has a good ending there is a LOT of death, blood, violence, torture, warfare, etc. etc. etc. in Wu Cheng'en's work that for obvious reasons wouldn't be part of a kid's show. Sun Wukong didn't earn the title of "Buddha Victorious in Strife" for nothing! More specifically, there's been a lot of hints throughout the lego show that very important, and very violent, parts of Xiyouji were either heavily edited or even removed completely. As a number of people have pointed out, for example, in Monkie Kid the Six Eared Macaque seemed pretty nervous about even mentioning his full name to Qi Xiaotian (he is after all the dude who's infamous for trying to murder-replace the Monkey King!). But Qi Xiaotian, despite being a massive Monkey King fanboy, has no idea who this simian even is! This heavily suggests that the True and False Monkey King section of Journey to the West was either at some point removed or was never even included in the Xiyouji of legoland. The same is true with the Lady Bone Demon. Sun Wukong knew immediately who she was (having fought and defeated her before) but it seems that basically no one else did until she started to make her presence known. Even Tang Shifu--the character positioned as a literal scholar of all things Journey to the West related--first mentions the Flame of Samadhi being wielded by "a demon whose name I forgot," even though the battle between Sun Wukong and Red Boy remains to this day one of the most well-known fights in Xiyouji. And while this change is very understandable for a sequel to Journey to the West aimed at children, it must be remembered too that while the Sun Wukong of legoland stated that he gained his power and reputation through "beating up" a lot of yaoguai, in the og classic he just uuuuuuhhhh mostly smashed them into "meat patties," as is the classic's common phrase.

One of the things that makes Journey to the West such a fascinating work is the way people have been able to use it as the basis for both stories aimed at little kids as well as grimdarkiest works you can imagine. But Monkie Kid is potentially doing something pretty interesting by implying that many of the more morally complex, discomfiting, and violent stories were removed from the versions of this classic that made it into future legoland, the consequences of which have been pretty significant in a kind of "those who do not know history are doomed to repeat it" way. As it is, both Sun Wukong and Sha Dali (who it's implied is Sha Wujing himself) are strongly hinted to be recovering from some pretty painful past events, with the Monkey King inadvertently causing a lot of trouble by repeating many of his past behaviors from the journey by hiding his trauma behind a cheerful and carefree attitude and going to great lengths to not tell anyone what's going on while he runs himself ragged trying to solve everything by himself (unlike Sha Dali, who actually acknowledged that he needed professional help to overcome his trauma and anger issues and has been working quite successfully to keep his temper in check, one result of which is that he seems very comfortable and happy to work within a group).

I hope that that this makes sense and answers your question anon, but of course let me know if I need to go a little further into how I think the Journey to the West of Monkie Kid has been implied to differ in important ways from the Journey to the West of our own world!

[dl4draws]

hi there!

lil' preface so i don't come off as a weirdo: i'm somewhat new to tumblr shenanigans™ so idk if it's just normal that awesome writers and artists share a bit of their progress for creating something, but you're the only blog i've witnessed doing it so you're getting this ask.

i absolutely love it here. getting to listen to (or read about?) someone's projects in the works feels like such an awesome thing! you're sharing this passion of yours with us and letting us experience this joy with you?? you're letting us see little doodles and headcanons and even a playlisy?? OMG

again, idk if that's normal on here but to me (someone who does everything on their own because who would care about my silly little craft?) this is absolute pure generosity and kindness on your part and i will never not praise that. i can't really put into words what i'm trying to say here because as much as i love the english language, it's not my first language and i just don't know how to express this properly. i guess what i want to say is thank you? thank you for all the happiness you share, thank you for letting us come on this journey with you and thank you for talking about your passion. that's a scary thing to do but whenever i see someone doing that i will 100% always sit there and listen to them talk about something they care about a lot (even if i don't understand a single thing about the topic) and try to interact and let them know that someone always cares about their thoughts and projects, even if it's just a stranger on the internet, because i know what it's like to run against a wall of indifference and i don't want anyone to feel like that.

keep talking about things that bring you joy and keep sharing them, someone's always going to support you and cheer you on and get excited with you!

this got a lot longer than i wanted it to be but my point is you're amazing and keep doing what you do, no matter how much you want to share of it or how long it takes! there's always going to be support and someone who appreciates you and your work.

idk if this should be anon or not because i don't want to seem so incredibly weird and out of place with my long stupid ask here-- this feels so uncalled for

take this virtual hug

hi hi hi good morning, I am throwing my reputation away and say I’m about to cry

Okay so I’m answering this bit by bit! I don’t think it’s that rare to see a content creator share stuff about their writing/art! At least with the people I’ve surrounded myself, there’s always sneaky posts here, reblogs with tags and stuff about their characters! It’s always so much fun to see those, see people share little details about their work is always fascinating to me! Personally I adore sharing the process because I am having Too Much fun and being extremely chaotic and I think it’s cool to share me having only half a braincell with you all lol

I’m so glad you like it here in my little corner of tumblr!!! I’m not an oversharer in any aspect of my life usually but with aus i go full beast mode and start talking and good luck shutting me up lmao as of right now I don’t really have time for full drawings (which is exactly why the hanahaki au isn’t already finished). Getting to doodle for this au has helped me with wanting to draw but not being exactly able to, and with getting stuff off my mind! I’m not very forgetful but with ideas I usually think about them, have a Good Laugh tm, proceed to think about it for half an hour and then forget about it, unless I scream about it to someone (or just make a post and announce it to you all).

One thing u might not know about me is that I make playlists for everything. If u go through my spotify playlist you’ll see many playlist, but I have so many secret ones bakshssk making a playlist for an au or for a fic (sometimes I make playlists for fics I read!)

I absolutely adore hearing about everyone’s ideas, like you said, listening to someone talk about something they’re passionate about is always so fascinating!! And it makes me so happy to see that someone trusts me enough to open their mind and share their ideas with me, even if (again like you said) I understand nothing of the topic! Honestly I am extremely thankful for you, and everyone who has ever interacted with me or my silly ideas. It hypes me up so much to see you all liking and sending me stuff about it (every time I get a random ask about something I said, or a headcanon or anything 25 years are added to my life ngl). I never thought people would enjoy my aus, be it the hanahaki one or the street racing one (or the beauty and the beast one!!!) You guys really are amazing!! And I totally get what you mean with running with a wall of indifference, I’ve been there and it’s not fun, but I’ve learned who to share with and who not to share with, and that’s okay (for me). I’m not a very good talker but I’ve been told I’m good listener, so if anyone ever has any problems, anything they’d like to talk about please never hesitate on sending me an ask or a message!! (zukka wingfic anon I’m still thinking about you)

Nooooo, please I didn’t find this weird at all!!!! I actually feel so flattered I haven’t been able to stop smiling :D it makes me so happy to see you enjoy my silly content, and that makes me want to create more of it!!!

I hope you have a wonderful day/night, and know that I’ll be thinking about this all month hakahaksb

[sunshinee-sunflowerr]

When I saw this I was immediately triggered and that’s how I knew I had to share it. Other than the fact that it is important as fuck to share something like this. But the second part of that post almost aligns with what had happened to me with my ex Dan. I have issues with sexual dysfunction and tend to lose feeling down there and that leaves me feeling betrayed by my own body. I feel so worthless and pathetic already as it is when it happens because I’m sensitive and it is humiliating when I start to cry. I don’t even get to like fully enjoy something so intimate because I’m a very passionate person and I love all types of deep connection. And he ruined it. It had stopped being such a beautiful thing for me. The second I asked him to stop and that I had mentioned I wasn’t enjoying it, he became the person I didn’t think he could truly ever be. He laid down on me. Like I’m talking all of his weight was on me, and he whined about how good it felt to stay in me and finish. I felt nothing and everything all at the same time, I wasn’t being heard, I was just a body, and I didn’t matter anymore. This was someone who was stronger than me. This was someone who I loved and straight up disrespected me to the point where I myself are in a traumatic position, I had to literally match his thrusts just so he’d come faster because I knew that was the only safe way to get him off of me. And that was humiliating and violating. I had no other choice. And to this day this man still tries to say he didn’t rape me but SIR WHEN YOU DO SHIT LIKE THAT YOU ARE A FUCKING RAPIST. YOU IGNORED MY PLEAS AND MADE ME FEEL SO UNSAFE AND I FELT LIKE MY BODY WASN’T EVEN FUCKING MINE ANYMORE. YOU GAVE ME PTSD FOR ALL THE OTHER FUCKED UP TIMES THAT I HAD LET SLIDE BECAUSE I FELT COERCED INTO IT. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID AND I KNOW WHAT YOU DID. And what had haunted me every time I wanted to go somewhere, I had to take my car. It happened in my car. I had to drive myself after that with cum dripping down my legs. I had to see a flashback every time my mind drifted towards the back. I will never EVER let myself be in that position again. Dan broke me. I’m the one who pulled myself out and I’m still healing.

It was from 2016 and trauma tells no time, I’m lucky I don’t feel the weight of your body still pinning me down during intimate times. I saw you in the faces of whoever was on top of me. I would get panic attacks and cry. You fucking ruined me and my trust and I will ruin you if you ever dare try to come into my life again.

The Relationship Aspect:

Not many people know about the sleep fucking, or when you would take my thumb out of my mouth when I was asleep because I still had some hard time sleeping so I would suck my thumb sometimes and you would replace your it with your dick and then ejaculate down my throat and I'd wake up to such a horrible taste. My inner child does scream for she was only 15-17 and I let it slide because you had so much power over me and I did so much to make you happy even though it didn't make me happy myself. Let's not forget when I wasn't in the mood sometimes so you would turn around away from me with no sound nothing and straight up fell asleep because I said no or that I don't want to have sex with you. And then there were times where you would sexualize me, you would look up my skirt or you would look at my pants and tell me about my panty lines and basically scare me and make feel little. You were constantly pointing them out and laughing, conditioning me even to never wear comfy underwear, I have more thongs than any type of other underwear. And now I'm finally getting used to wearing normal underwear again just because I was felt like someone was doing the same shit that you did to me. I felt grimy. And let's not forget when you would steal my panties and you would bring them home and jerk off in them and cum in them and to top it all off you would bring them back to my house and throw them in my dirty laundry so they can be washed so you can repeat that cycle. And the worst part is that you probably took some before we broke up and I never got them back. Fuck you. How about all those times you never asked if you could cum in me but you still did even though I fucking hated it, and you’d get mad at me when your sheets were ruined because of you the mess you made in me and I still fucking hate it it's only such a rare occasion for me to ever let that happen during any intimate moment now. Also let's not forget your greediness for my photos. My naked photos that you kept to get off to even after we broke up and still demanded more and other shit when I was with someone else it was disgusting.

The Party:

Oh here’s a memory that’s gonna be fucking me soon, once late October arrives I’m going to be thinking about that night I decided to try and most past you. That fucking college party was the biggest gray area that was so painful and smoggy. It was grey because I was still figuring my shit out and mentally screwed up from the actions of you. I'll never forget, how are used to feel guilty and how are used to blame myself for all of this. And I got to a point where we had mutual friends and I just wanted to forget all about it and learn to forgive you. As soon as ready, Matt and I went to that party that Anthony was throwing and you were there, and you had no problem laughing off your drunk ass I front of me about rape jokes. If I hadn't been high and Matt being so drunk we would've left and I remember calling my mom in the hallway crying telling her about that little part of what happened that night. And then later that night you got so fucking drunk, made everybody your babysitter and I still fucking hate myself for the side you brought out even though you caused me so much harm. You brought out my fucking maternal side which I hated because like I said in that moment of time it wasn’t black or white for me, it was grey. It was so fucking gray. And I took care of you that night because you were so fucking drunk, I remember you asking me or saying something about how I hated you. And then later that night I ended up sandwiched between you and Matt, and you decided to touch me through my pants even when I was cuddled up to Matt and I thought maybe there would’ve been some change but in the end you were still assaulting me. I didn’t sleep at all that night, and it sent me backwards, I felt like all of the progress that I had made was gone it was dehumanizing and I threw out those sweatpants and they were brand fucking new and they were Calvin Klein my favorite designer which hurt even more because I used my money to get something I really wanted for comfort and you just stumble in cocked off of what 3 beers? And ruin even the smallest things that could’ve made me more comfortable? Heinous and out right disgustingly disrespectful.

Trauma talk aftermath:

I betrayed myself sleeping with you even after the rape, and you knew so much about me so I couldn't even fucking report it even though I had the proof of you admitting to what you did. But Im always scared because my reputation was at stake and it was so easily corrupted by your lies as it is. I had no choice. You could've easily ruined my life and I wasn't about to let you so I ruined mine but little did I know that you were already ruining mine. And you still haven't taken accountability for your actions and I'm still suffering the consequences of those horrible behaviors that you were still using to this day probably. And I can't even imagine how many other girls like me there must be now.

Here's to all the nightmares that circulate in my head at night still in that feeling of fear of having and experiencing that PTSD kick into hyper drive. And all the ones I've yet to have when I have new partners in my life, because I have nightmares of them doing the same thing that you did to me and it's traumatizing. Because even though I know they are not you for that split second I am terrified of them. And I saw another post about how when sexual assault survivors even get a whiff of the scent of their abuser they are in panic; and I honestly don't blame them. I was at school the other day, and in the air I smell whatever type of detergent was used to fill the air with your scent, I was in panic for a couple minutes looking around trying to figure it out where you were. It's so fucked up that you've had such lasting effects on me like why isn’t hating you and going through all of that trauma shit enough. And I'm so tired of the panic and anxiety attacks that you still bring into my life whether it is indirect or direct.

And looking back now after going off of that and emotional spiel about what you did and how I still feel towards these events today. I realize all the ways how I am not gonna be treated in the future. You saw the light inside of me, and when you stepped into my life that light dimmed within each day that passed that I saw who you were. And it took all of my power away; but I am taking all of that power back and you will never ever use it again and you will never have it in your possession because I know I will forever be a better person and not let you win. And I know that I wasn't a good girlfriend at the time as well but you were also I'm manipulative narcissistic asshole. And I blamed myself for all of the times that I was mad at you and thought I deserved it all. And I deserve none of that shit. It was you that didn’t deserve me and all the love I gave you. All of clothes I bought you, all of the stupid ass Pokémon cards i grabbed for you because I knew it was important to you to collect them, all of the silly $7 cards to go with each thing I gave you. All of the handwritten notes. Helping you match your clothes and fold your shit. Fuck you and for all you have taken from me and didn’t even fucking say sorry or be truly appreciative.

More Trauma Talk 2020-2021 edition:

Consent is so important to me, because it was stolen from me as a child, as a teenager, and as an adult. I want to take a moment to also talk about my second ex-boyfriend named Dan as well how ironic I never thought I'd say I love you Dan ever again. But the first night we hooked up, he was so patient with me which in all honestly is sad but it truly took my breath away with the time that he spent on me making sure I knew that I was safe because he knew that I have been raped. And every once in a while he asked me if I was OK and I thought that was the most amazing thing ever little did I know that that's actually what you're supposed to do and that it's not the bare minimum. And after all of that he still had one of those moments where he traumatized me and put me back into the place where you had put me days before Christmas… which is now a tainted holiday as well as Halloween for me. Thanks a lot.

Wow… fuck this is a lot for anyone let alone me to endure and/or read and I just want to say that felt so fucking good to finally write it all down and speak my truth and let others know that not every sexual assault or rape has to be violent (well it’s violence either way, but you know getting the shit beaten out of you stereotypical type) it can be sweet until it turns sour, it can be public, it can be sneaky, it can be with someone you gained the ability to trust who was so good in the beginning. It can be anyone and that’s the real scary part because I don’t know whose intentions are actually true until they read my stuff and reassure me about how they feel about me. It’s the only way and even then I’m still scared of wanting to be intimate with someone new. It’s another strong reason as to why I am practicing celibacy for a bit.

Finished on 9/20/2021