#WHO KEEPS CHOOSING YOU EVEN THOUGH YOURE BIPOLAR AND YOURE SELFISH AND I HATE YOU!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[acaesic]

EVERY GIRL FROM HERE TO SOHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVES TO TELL ME THINGS I DONT KNOW!!!!!!!! BEAUTIFUL AND SMART!!!! AND NO GOOD FOR ME!!!!!!! AT AAAAAAAALLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[boredmezzosoprano]

In defence of Catherine Earnshaw

I just wanted to take this time to talk about the heroine of my all time favourite book Wuthering Heights. She is often described as "selfish" by a lot of readers and yes this is true, but there are reasons for why she acts the way she does. It bothers me how much quicker people are to defend Heathcliff than her when if you ask me, Heathcliff has done worse things than her i.e manipulating and abusing Isabella Linton, abusing his own sickly son, abusing Hareton and robbing him of his inheritance, manipulating Catherine Linton into marrying his son and then robbing her of her inheritance and kidnapping her so she couldn’t be with her dying father and then there’s the little matter of him being the last person to see Hindley before he mysteriously dies (admittedly Hindley was an a$$hole, but still). Don’t think I’m unsympathetic to Heathcliff’s own pain and suffering - I am, it’s just that you cannot judge Cathy harshly while whitewashing Heathcliff’s character🤷🏼‍♀️ Anyway the points I want people to keep in mind are thus:

Like Heathcliff, nobody ever really raised Cathy as her parents both died when she was a child (and even then she wasn’t the favourite of either of them) and Hindley and Nelly couldn’t have been less bothered. Even though the Linton's tried to tame her spirit and mould her into "a lady" it makes sense that her default mode will always be that of a feral child.

People often accuse her of being a gold digger and yes she did plan on marrying Edgar for his money in the hopes of using that money to get Heathcliff out from under Hindley's tyranny, it should be remembered that Cathy really did love Edgar too just not as much as Heathcliff. Also how was she to know that Heathcliff was able to make his own fortune? Given that he never reveals how he made his money and nobody ever finds out how could she have known. It’s speculated that he became a highwayman i.e a glorified thief, most people would choose to avoid living such a precarious lifestyle if given the choice and its hard to blame for not wanting to live a vagabond existence, even Heathcliff admits that he "struggled". As a woman living in the 1700s the only honourable way she could make any kind of life for herself was by getting married!

When she marries Edgar she had no idea where Heathcliff was and when or if he was ever coming back and her choices were limited to marrying into a family who treat you well or stay in your own chaotic and miserable household with your violent drunk if a brother and a maid who’s made it clear she hates you and does not see you as worth her time. So yeah…

Catherine seems to suffer from some sort of disease that’s only ever described as "brain fever". Some readers have described it as encephalitis and others have called it epilepsy. In any case anytime she’s aggravated or upset in anyway she becomes violently ill and this ultimately kills her. With that in mind it becomes understandable that she would actively avoid anything that would cause her any distress as it could (and did) kill her!

There were moments in the book where Cathy with her mood swings came across to me as being bipolar or at least having some kind of personality disorder. Nelly describes her as "having seasons of gloom" during her marriage and she self harms a couple of times in the book. She also threatens to kill herself if it would get a reaction! She seems to place her own sense of value on the men in her life which shows a fundamental lack of self esteem. As someone with BPD these things all hit home for me very deeply, but unlike Cathy I have the freedom to back away from situations that trigger me (well most of the time) and access to medications that even my moods.

While it was undeniably harsh of Cathy to humiliate Isabella by revealing her feelings for Heathcliff with both of them in the room but at the same time she wasn’t wrong to try to snap Isabella out of this naive fantasy. Isabella is a character I care about deeply but it’s obvious that she was in way over her head when it came to Heathcliff! Cathy knew better than anyone that he hated Isabella and would only hurt her. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Poor Isabella does ultimately learn too late that Cathy was right. Even Nelly has to begrudgingly agree with Cathy on this one.

Speaking of Nelly, it should be remembered that everything we learn about Cathy as well as many other characters, we learn only from Nelly who it is clear is quite biased against the characters whose story she is telling. Because she can’t relate to the intense emotions of the other characters she tends to assume that it must be because there’s something wrong with them. It’s entirely possible that Nelly made Cathy out to be far worse than she actually was. It has to be said that Nelly is a character that I tend to back and forth on…

Anyway that’s my take on Catherine Earnshaw. If you disagree that’s fine but please no rude comments cuz we’re all adults and we can agree to disagree😉

[devilsadvcate]

WHO KEEPS CHOOSING YOU EVEN THOUGH YOURE BIPOLAR AND YOURE SELFISH AND I HATE YOU... n AHHHHHHHHH

[protodroid]

five songs that remind you of your muse.

tagged: @strongfuck​ ilysm tagging: anyone :3

SOCIAL CLIMB I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME ------------------------------------------------------------- But if the lights don't stop me No one's got control of what I do 'Cause it's a good time When I'm with you Connor was so used to sticking to his program and everything Amanda had set out for him. He didn’t understand what it was like to follow things with any mindset other than “I’m only here to accomplish my mission.” So being partnered with Hank was the only thing he had going for him. Following Hank’s way of life and understanding his partner more had helped Connor open up A LOT. Being rebellious to do what he thinks is right and not what other’s were telling him. That was the most fun he could ever possibly imagine in that moment.

TELL ME IT’S OKAY (DEMO) PARAMORE ---------------------------------------- Maybe it's been years since I genuinely smiled Maybe it's been years since I wanted to be a part of anything But lately I've been good you know I've actually been great Man, I even laughed a little today, aw so strange, so strange Tell me it's okay to be happy now, because I'm happy now Tell me it's okay Becoming deviant wasn’t easy for Connor. While in the moment it seemed like the easiest thing to adapt to, there was inner turmoil. He had gone from being the perfect machine, the perfect detective fit to take down deviants to being a deviant himself. After the revolution I’m sure Connor had a hard time trying to adapt to emotions and feeling things in ways he hadn’t before. But it was okay because every day got a little better than the last.

MAD IQS I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME -------------------------------------------------------------- Come inside Twist the knife Like it’s something to do I'm a voluntary victim  Watch your colonial tongue I'll watch you tighten the noose I’m burning in your mad iq Watching humans and Cyberlife try to take down deviants during the revolution through a deviants eyes changed everything for Connor. He knew how bad at was but seeing it with a new found emotion had him make irrational decisions. Infiltrating Cyberlife was the only way he could show everyone just exactly who they were.

BETTER THAN ME THE BROBECKS --------------------------- Me, I'm gonna play the imbecile, oh Who keeps choosing you even though you're bipolar and you're selfish I hate you, ah! Everyone is better than me, I think I think Connor has a lot of resentment towards a lot of people during the time he was a machine and the time he was deviant. Putting words into his head saying he was nothing more than tin/plastic. Though, Connor doesn’t care much.

THE NEWS  PARAMORE -------------------- And I've got War A war A war Right behind my eyes Right behind 'em just like a headache Connor’s battle with Amanda and trying to find solutions and answers that satisfy her but keep his sanity was hard. His collective lying while doing everything he wasn’t supposed to made his head hurt... why did it hurt? Constant runs of diagnostics with the same NO ERROR DETECTED had his head spinning. Amanda’s threats of replacing him and shutting him down for a newer and better android didn’t help either. If only he could shut it off... 

[winterbl0ss0m]

i wanna scream better than me by the brobecks off of a rooftop

[strawberryjamsara]

meister or Rio for the ask game :)

Chose Ranger cause fuck Meister

Better Than Me- Brobecks

This song is obviously about feeling inferior to others and of course it starts to play into hating others for that

“All your boyfriends go to film school

Nathan was in plays in high school (how 'bout that?)

Me, I'm gonna play the imbecile, oh

Who keeps choosing you even though you're bipolar and you're selfish

I hate you, AAAAUAUGH!

Everyone is better than me, I think

Everyone is better than, better than me

Everyone is better than, better than me

Hey, hey, oh, hey”

[cummunication]

23 Lessons

Today is my birthday. 24 years of ups, downs and everything in between. 23 was a challenging year full of obstacles but needless to say, I got through it (always do). At the heart of a birthday is an opportunity to tell someone, “I’m glad you were born,” also “I’m happy you’re alive.” Despite the fact I am getting older, aging is a sign I have breath in my lungs and my heart is still beating. I am blessed for the lessons I continually learn the more time I spend on earth and the amazing people I continue to meet. So I will let my story unfold and see what 24 has in store. Every one of our stories is important and that is something worth celebrating. So here are 23 lessons I have learned over time plus 1 bonus for my birthday.

1. There is no such thing as a pain free life. Living life to the fullest requires bad experiences. In order to genuinely enjoy life, you must take the bad with the good and vice versa. “Courage is not the absence of fear.” Meaning, fear and courage co-exist. There are voices in my head that tell me to give up and I let them boss me around. Fear can be crippling and it has prevented me from doing things many years. It can seem as though everybody else is moving forward while I’m left behind. That’s terrifying. Bravery is accepting your fear and doing it anyway. 

2. It’s nearly impossible to accept love until you love yourself. For so long I pushed people away; creating walls between me and people I care about. The thought process behind this was if I did not let love in, they could not hurt me. I know letting people close is uncomfortable for me because when you’re unable to love yourself, any type of love given seems threatening. Human connection can feel repulsive and foreign when you push it away for so long. But if you don’t love yourself, how do you expect others to? 

3. I am not a label. Just because you’re diagnosed with something does not mean it is your identity. Having bipolar disorder does not mean I am bipolar. We are so much more than the boxes society puts us in. You need not be ashamed of your illness, mental or physical. If you wouldn’t be ashamed to tell somebody you had cancer, you shouldn’t feel embarrassed of your mental illness. 

4. All emotions are valid. Sometimes we can feel depressed and we don’t have to justify it. No matter how insignificant our feelings may seem, they are important. You are entitled to your emotions because your experiences are real. Don’t let someone tell you it’s “all in your head.” Being continuously invalidated is one of the most damaging things you can do to the psyche. However, don’t fool yourself into thinking your entitlement to emotions is entitlement to unacceptable behavior. If you hurt someone, you are accountable. We should always take responsibility for our decisions.

5. Emotions do not own me. I am guilty of letting emotions overpower me at times. It’s easy to let them take control and get flustered. Sometimes we choose our battles and sometimes, our battles choose us. There’s a quote that says “God only gives us battles he knows we can handle.” Or something to that extent. I’ve been dealt some hands in this game of life I did not want. And yet, we are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Someone once said the hardest battles are given to the best warriors. Instead of asking why me? I’m learning to ask why not me?

6. There are wars we must face to uncover our full potential. And sometimes we must win without support. Meaning, it sucks when we feel misunderstood by people closest to us. We need to be “saved” because we feel we won’t make it. While guidance is always appreciated, at times, there is no hand to save us from drowning. I have learned that I can walk this road alone if I must. 

7. Everyone everywhere is going through something. Everybody is fighting their own version of hell. You never know what the person next to you is going through so try not to be an asshole. You probably have a lot more in common than you realize.

8. Quality over quantity. What good is a lot of something if the quality is shit? This especially applies to relationships. Having thousands of Facebook friend’s left me feeling empty when I had zero friends in real life. Nurture your close relationships to create strong support systems. 

9. Try to embrace the present and live less in the past/future. Basically, stop and smell the roses. When you remember to, practice mindfulness. Practice gratitude. It’s super helpful and important to appreciate all we have in our lives, good and bad. Each day I try and reflect on something I’m thankful for. It can be easy to take things for granted and focus on what we don’t have; comparing our negative to everyone else’s positive, resulting in feeling inadequate. Studies show practicing gratitude daily results in increased life satisfaction. 

10. Treat everyone you meet with respect. This is a simple rule that can be hard to implement. When people are mean spirited, it can be tempting to spew it right back. But the way we treat others says more about us than it does them. 

11. Don't sweat the small stuff. Not everything is a tragedy. I’ve spent so much time and energy on things I later realized I stressed over for no reason. I understand having anxiety can be relentless & debilitating however, we can train ourselves to prioritize what consumes the majority of our attention.

12. People are quick to judge. That doesn’t necessarily mean they are bad people, only human. People will jump to conclusions about what you’re doing wrong & how you could be better but I’ve learned this is to take the focus off of them. I’ve come to realize it’s less important what we say and more important what we understand. That’s why we have two ears and one mouth. 

13. There’s more to being beautiful than our looks. There’s more to a person than their clothes, their car, the size of their waist, and their inherent value can never come from the outside. I’ve hated myself because of what I look like, basing my worth on my weight, if my skin is breaking out etc. Throughout my life my appearance will change but at the end of the day I am still me no matter what. Instead of aiming to be “perfect”, I now dedicate most of my awareness to how I can better myself as an intellectual. A boob job or whiting my teeth doesn’t make me more lovable. Real confidence can only come from knowing who you are. 

14. Just because I believe something is true, doesn’t mean that it is. A famous quote says “we see things not as they are, but as we are” or something like that. Thoughts are extremely powerful in affecting our beliefs and morals etc. and these are shaped by our experiences growing up/what we were taught. Nonetheless, it is helpful to question our perception of reality. I’ve been forced to challenge what I tell myself in therapy since for a long time all I told myself was that I’m fat, ugly, and useless. We do not see ourselves as others do. Something may feel true in the moment and we are entitled to our feelings but remember, we can not see it from an objective lens. Being in therapy has been especially useful in distinguishing my mental illness and me. It can be tempting to give into my ANTS when things don’t go my way, yet the older I get the better able I am to take a step back. 

15. This too shall pass. Everything is temporary. Cliche but true. I enjoy learning Buddhism since it teaches that ultimately, nothing is ours. We own nothing and have control of very little. At first glance this can seem overwhelming and depressing but it gives us a chance to live life to the fullest because, well, in 100 years we’re all going to be dead anyway so why not?! It can be nearly impossible to believe the worst moment of our lives will be a thing of the past when we are entrenched in them, but life is full of ups and downs. It helps to recall the last time I was feeling that way and remind myself I got through it, even though I doubted I would. At times I am scared of happiness in fear of it slipping away, afraid of love because I know all good things end, but living like this will prevent me from seizing opportunities and experiencing joy. Pain passes and so does happiness but when we are willing to let things go with the knowledge they return, they do infact, come back. 

16. Nobody thinks about us as much as we do. It is human nature to be all up in our head about ourselves. Humans have a tendency to be self focused and narcissistic. But when I’m feeling particularly self conscious, I tell myself nobody judges me as much as me. Basically, we are our own worst critic. We worry what others think when most likely nobody is worried about us in the first place, they are too busy worrying about themselves. Free yourself of your self scrutiny and let people think what they want. It’s more important what you think of yourself. 17. You can’t change people. I had trouble accepting I could not change my ex. We make excuses for people as to why they are like they are and remain in denial, letting love blind us and keep us in harmful situations. But sometimes love isn’t enough. You can love someone from a distance and let them go. People have to want to change themselves, you can’t do it for them. And you can’t help someone unless they are willing to help themselves. 

18. Healing is a journey that comes in many forms. Recovery is not linear and is about progress, not perfection. Self care is vital: don’t let anybody make you think taking care of yourself is selfish. You should always be your number one priority. There’s a different between self love and selfishness. 

19. Being single is nothing to frown upon. Never depend upon another to be the source of your joy. You have to get comfortable with yourself before you can ever be in a healthy, interdependent relationship. It’s totally normal to want to be in a relationship but it’s another to need to be in one. I would so much rather be alone than in a relationship out of desperation or loneliness. Celebrate your single-hood and take it as a time to enjoy your independence and self discovery. After all, love comes when you least expect it. 

20. Boundaries are necessary. We can’t be truly vulnerable and deeply intimate with someone without clear communication and setting boundaries. I was and still am to an extent, very bad at this. I tend to be an enabler, a doormat, a people pleaser. I want to avoid conflict and not rock the boat so I just say yes to everything. But something I’ve learned is to never destroy yourself in aims to make others happy. It is never worth sacrificing your own peace of mind to try and appease somebody else. At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself and your sanity is what’s most important. Trust your intuition; your gut instinct is almost always right and can never lead you wrong. If you don’t want to do something say no! If you want to do something, say yes! Speak up! Setting boundaries and speaking your truth is hard but imperative if you want to have genuine, equal relationships. If not, you will be full of resentment, take it from me. I’ve learned the truth always comes out one way or another anyway, and people respect those who respect themselves enough to be honest. Besides, the most kind people are those who are in touch with themselves and can be assertive in a caring way.

21. Forgiveness is one of the hardest but most crucial steps to happiness. I’m not saying it is necessary to automatically forgive every person who wronged you, trust me I know how shitty it is. But at least have the intent to, at least be open to it. It’s hard to be free until you release the chains of hate from your heart. We may have to continuously address this searing emotional pain and continually work on it but be aware that holding on to past traumas does not prevent them from occurring in the future. While experiences makes us grow, holding things against people only makes us weak and bitter. It’s something I’m still working on, but I know the more I try to forgive people who have scarred me, the less power I give them. 

22. That being said, even though certain events may make us feel powerless, our power can never be taken from us. I have dealt with many tragedies in my 24 years. I have felt hopeless, out of control, victimized, helpless and everywhere in between. People may have broken my heart and crushed my spirit, but they can never destroy my soul. They can never touch me at the core of who I am. And the same goes for you. 

23. One of the best things we can do for ourselves is to eliminate anybody or anything from our lives that makes us feel less than, or less powerful than we really are. Cutting out toxic, unhealthy and dysfunctional people is the biggest favor you can do for yourself and you will see immediate change. 

BONUS - We are never alone, no matter how isolated we may feel. There are people out there who feel the same as you. Find your tribe. Reach out for help. Speak up. You are worth it. 

Each time a birthday passes we can take it as an opportunity to reflect and celebrate. It’s a chance to celebrate your story and to give those struggling a chance to find hope in that we can survive all that questions our strength. No matter where life has taken me or what I come across this year, I know for the most part, my worst days are behind me. I have the tools and insight to survive almost anything that crosses my path and with that, I can make light out of the darkest nights. I am a survivor, and so are you.

[friedpotat0]

its funny because the people that should care about you dont, and the people that shouldnt be bothered to care about you just waste their time over you. 

my parents dont know that i cry myself to sleep nearly every night, that i cry on the ride home, or that i wrote a suicide note and plan with full intention to kill myself before 2:30 on tuesday 10/29, they have no idea i think about my own death often or that i plan on killing myself before i turn 30, or how my body shakes every second of the day because everything is distracting or making me immensely nervous. they dont know im frustrated or irritated or that every little thing annoys the fuck out of me or how my paranoia is so bad i always perpetually feel like the entire world is against me, they dont know ive been seeing the counselor since high school and that the psychiatrist bluntly told me i have severe depression with bipolar 2 and prescribed me lamitrogine even though i really disagree with the diagnosis and wished they listened to my concerns about anxiety instead. 

people dont know these things bc i dont tell them and i dont want anyone to worry about me. im pretty good at hiding things bc ive been dealing with bad thoughts my whole life. but relentlessly i choose to believe in optimism because i believe in Allah and he is slowly guiding me through this hellscape. i hate crying in front of people, and i especially dont like have any attention on me ever (unless im playing the guitar, then shut up). i dont like being selfish and self absorbed. and i hate dwelling on the past.

its funny when ur own family has absolutely no idea whats going on because when you did tell them, when u were 14, about the suicidal thoughts and anxiety, they yelled at you and called u attention seeking, so u never told them about the weight loss or the scars or the suicide attempts. its so funny that the people that should care about you dont, and really just prize you as a trophy rather than a human being with thoughts and feelings. 

instead the counselor, my research supervisor, hell my fucking advisor has more concern over me than my own family and (certain) close “friends” ever will have in their lives. it means a lot to me that im finally getting some love and attention that ive always needed, but never realized it.

its funny how things get so distorted in your mind. you accomplish so much yet you feel like you did so little. i am so fatigued all the time, i already feel old, my skin is so dry and my body is so frail, my back aches endlessly, my lips are chapped and falling off, your feet always hurt, your hands are always cold, my mind is so worn. my nails are so brittle at this point and breaking at the edges. my skin is so fucked up id like to rip it off at this point. 

its so weird to me i wrote a whole suicide plan and suicide note and released it with every intention that i will kill myself before the end of the week but yet i am still here, very much alive and (arguably) healthy. with full intention to finish this semester. why? what happened there? and yet i still find myself looking back at that plan constantly with tears running down my face. i have a lot of tears. 

i wanted to kill myself since i was very very young. i remember when my mom would scream at me that she wishes i was dead and that i was her burden, nearly every day, and i would go to sleep crying praying to god he would kill me in my sleep. i would suffocate myself when i was 6 just to try to end it all. i barely had any friends growing up and if i did i saw them briefly in school or once every three months at some gathering. rarely did i leave the house or ever get involved in the community, except for the sports my dad would force me into. i had little social interaction, and not many adults in my life to look up to other than my mom. i never felt like her daughter, i felt like i was some sister of hers. i never had a loving maternal figure in my life, save for a few teachers i have had, god bless them. now she only loves me because i can do things for her. when she hit me she didnt love me. when she screamed at me every day she didnt love me. when she told me to kill myself she didnt do that out of love. she doeesnt remember any of these things and claimed i made it up. i feel like im in hell. she had a hard life, to be fair...but i would raise my daughter differently. i would prefer to stay away from the word “burden” when referring to my children. 

i have a good life and ill never dispute that ever. i was born with a lot of privilege. so why am i like this? who knows. you feel like your whole life was stolen from you and that you missed so many oppurtunities that you could have taken but every bone in your body screamed “no”. its bittersweet knowing that i am finally getting help but where was this help 6 years ago? how much more could i have accomplished if i had people in my life supporting me? and that i only receive this support recently? i only had two adult figures in my life and they were both my parents, my mom being very emotianally abusive and self centered with the maturity of a 6 year old, and my distant father who barely made any effort to listen to me, both who denies any sign of mental illness or health defects of any sort when the signs were clear. 

why are my parents so concerned about my marriage when they should really be concerned about me?

I feel so emotionally stunted, as if i am still 15 years old, becasuse i am finally allowed to leave my damn house. what a life i have lived, so uneventful. never allowed to leave or wear what you want, say what you want, do what you want, because you are a muslim girl. fun is banned in islam, and in my family, apparently. no sense of humor, style, color, everything is so bland and monotonous it makes you want to scream. no passion, no motivation, just the same robotic shit for 20 years. why would i want to live a life like this i ask myself? for the rest of my fucking life? id rather die. at least in hell i can do what i want.

i hate being in my skin. sometimes i hate being in my body too. i am forced to wear mutliple layers of thick makeup every single fucking day for 12-16 hours straight because my skin is that fucking terrible and ugly. i cant imagine being naturally beatiful and having clear skin and then boasting about it, on top of that. its so infuriating. i am so ugly. no one can convince me otherwise. i feel so trapped so trapped no one even knows. no one will ever really understand. i dont expect them to. i want to do so much but i can only do so little. im too frail and weak to do anything. im always so tired, and sad, to make things worse. i wish i had so much potential but i dont. im dead already on the inside, like a rotted tree. what hope is there left.

sometimes i want to leave my hometown without telling anyone and never come back. that would be fun. then i can finally have the freedom i want and the ability to actually explore my life like i should. then i can finally choose my own path to the future. but i am confined in my own mind, in my own house, in my own family, in my own city. fuck this.

now i look ahead to a hopefully brighter future. progress and healing is very slow and gradual. the only growth i should focus on is myself. for the sake of myself. and for the sake of God. i will make it i have to keep saying it, speak it into existence, because if i dont, ill wither away.

[joiesomer]

who: somer, jeff ( @xjefferxx​​ )

where: Somer’s therapist

when: jan 22

notes/triggers: somer deals with the fallout of too much honesty part 2

"Jeff?" Somer put his head into Jeff's room at the frat, cautious and still afraid of being pushed away. "I'm going to see my therapist this afternoon. Do you want to come?"

Jeff looked up, he hadn't gone to class or left the bed. Truly he hadn't eaten either. He held Punkinpi close and shook his head. He didn't want to go, he didn't want to move.

Somer came into the room, leaning on the bed and frowning. "Jeff ... this isn't healthy. Haven't you eaten anything?"

Jeff just pet their kitten, not answering. He knew it wasn't healthy but it was how this worked for him. Days in bed until he came out of it. He'd call his doctor soon too about changing his meds. "Do you want me to go?"

"I ... " Somer paused. "Yes. But ... I don't know if you should come with me, honestly. I think maybe you should go on your own." He shuffled his feet, then looked at Jeff. "This isn't good for either of us."

"I'll come, I have mine tomorrow." Jeff replied. "Just... Will you come shower with me?"

The redhead checked the clock. "Yes, but then you have to eat. And I will eat. And when I'm honest in there, you have to not crumple up into a little heap."

Jeff nodded then bit his lip. "I will try, I can't say I won't but I will try not to shut down completely and I'm not hungry." Hoping that this time Somer could let it slip. If he tried to eat he'd up sick.

"Then you have to drink something," Somer insisted. "Even if it's just water." He took a deep breath. "I know I'm pushing hard right now. I went off on Madison earlier, and it reminded me that I have to work too. On being better. And this is part of that." He looked at Jeff, anxious but firm. "I can't be better without help. Without your help. S-so when I talk to her, please remember that she's a person I'm totally honest with, but what I feel and what I choose to do -- it's not always the same. Did that make any sense?"

Jeff nodded, bring the kitten with him to the bathroom and starting the shower. He undressed to get in and stood with Punkin on his shoulder as he started to clean himself and wait for Somer.

Having come in from outside, Somer had much more clothing to shed, and piled his winter bundling up on the bed before wearing only his jeans into the bathroom. "Where's a towel for Punkin?" he asked, poking his head into the shower. Jeff looked thin and worn down, and all Somer wanted was to wrap him up in his arms.

Jeff pointed to the little red one that was by theirs. "I got him one, I keep forgetting to bring it over," he explained as the kitten jumped from Jeff's shoulder to sit on the edge of the tub, cleaning herself off some.

Somer draped the little towel over Punkinpi's back, then scooped her up into a purrito for a moment. Beeping her nose with a fingertip, he smiled sadly down into the cute kitten face. "Good girl," he murmured, then set her down. Shedding his jeans and boxers, he climbed into the shower with Jeff, pulling his fiancé close.

Jeff pouted a bit when the kitten was gone but he knew she was done as well. Feeling Somer press in, he leaned into him as well, his forehead falling to Somer's shoulder as he seemed to lose all his motivation once more and just wanted to be with his boyfriend.

From outside the curtain, Punkinpi squeaked demandingly at the top of her lungs. "Spoilt girl," Somer murmured into the hollow of Jeff's shoulder, then brushed his lips there. "C'mon, blondie." He rubbed Jeff's back. "We can do this, together. I'll lend you some of my spoons."

Jeff shook his head. "Just want you ... not spoons," he whispered, nuzzling his nose along Somer's jawline and just wanting to take him in and feel him next to him still. He knew they had to go to the appointment but right now, he was taking in his fiancé as much as he could.

The redhead laughed softly. "You don't know spoon theory, do you? It's about how people like us deal with things, and why it can be so hard to do things when we're feeling awful."

"I do, just don't want them," Jeff pointed out. He knew the theory and how it worked but he couldn't even hold a spoon right now, his mind and body wouldn't let him but he could hold onto the energy of just being close to someone that cared for him. It didn't give him motivation, just made him more calm.

Somer sighed, rubbing Jeff's back more. "I'm not giving you a choice. You will eat something, or drink something. You will get clean, and you don't have to say anything but you have to sit in with me and listen to what I have to say." He leaned back, hating the way all this timing had worked out. That being engaged had given him the confidence to push on Jeff a little like this, but that his being honest had been the cause.

Jeff nodded, he didn't the energy to fight or argue with him. He'd try to eat something and drink but he'd probably get sick. He'd try though for Somer.

With a quick kiss, Somer handed Jeff the soap, and started washing. They might have time, but he didn't want to dawdle, either.

Jeff did as Somer asked of him then stepped out to dry off.  He was kind of glad that Somer would be doing the talking and he'd be there to listen.

Times like this, Somer felt, were the hardest -- he desperately wanted a chance to be honest about his fears and frustrations, but with Jeff in the depths of a manic drop, he had to be the strong one. He would lie and fake until Jeff was okay again, then maybe he would be able to find a quiet corner and at least write some of it out. Even if he did have to destroy it after so Jeff didn't find it.

Plastering an encouraging smile on his face, Somer coaxed Jeff into clothes and to the dining hall. He used every method he could think of, including kisses, to get his fiancé to eat something.

Jeff took two bites, it was all he could manage since he was feeling this way. Eating more would only make him more sick in the end. Leaning over, he kissed Somer's cheek, whispering that he loved him.

Somer wrapped up a roll and an apple, and persuaded Jeff to drink a little more before they left. He kept an arm around Jeff's waist as they walked out. "I love you too," he whispered. He kept looking at Jeff as he drove them to the therapist's office.

Jeff smiled a bit. He did feel better now that he was clean and put something in his stomach but his mind was still doing the tricks it did well. During the drive over, he let his eyes close and snooze a bit. One of the ways he had been told that helped his manic.

The redhead wasn't sure if it was a good idea, what he wanted to do now. Maybe it would be better to just let Jeff nap. But ... he felt like Jeff didn't really understand what happened in his head, and it was somehow easier to talk to his therapist. So he nudged his fiancé awake, and took his hand. "Come on."

Jeff woke and stretched, nodding as he got out. His hand slipped into Somer's, fingers lacing as they walked inside and then back to the room. Jeff sat close but not too close, this was for Somer and he promised he'd listen.

Quickly, Somer explained why Jeff was there. The therapist looked uncertain, but she shrugged anyway.

"You feel uncertain about being engaged?" she asked quietly.

Somer nodded. "It's," he started, twisting his fingers together, "I don't feel like I'm ready for that. What if I ... can't get a job, after college? And I," he looked down at his hands, then glanced over to Jeff, "I'm not ... I'm not good enough."

"Not good enough for what?"

"Anybody! Anything!" Somer burst out. His knuckles were white, and the therapist handed him a glitter stick. He clutched it. "It's ... it's /me/! I only just turned twenty-one. I don't even know who I'm going to turn out to be yet. H-how can I be sure I won't -- we won't ... that -- " He breathed hard, fighting not to burst into tears.

Jeff sat there, looking at his hands and just doing as he promised. He listened. It hurt but he listened still.

"Are you afraid he's going to stop loving you?"

"No!" Somer exclaimed. He turned the stick over and over, watching the glitter slide through the oil inside. "No, I'm afraid I don't deserve to be loved the way he does. I don't deserve to be loved at all. There's ... I'm a bad person."

"You keep saying that. What do you mean by that?"

"I'm s-selfish, and ... " Suddenly hot tears were sliding down Somer's cheeks. "I m-made Jeff come here with me, and I made him unhappy, and I'm not even doing the things to make him happy again."

"What are those things?"

Jeff bit his lip then looked to Somer. "You, him. Just being with him makes me happy. Seeing him smile and being the reason he smiles. Watching his brow furrow when he's working. Just everything about Somer makes me happy," he whispered.

The therapist nodded, and gestured for Somer to go on. "What do you think needs to be done, Somer?"

"Say I didn't mean it," he whispered. "'s selfish ... Jeff should be happy."

"Do your own feelings not matter?"

Somer flinched, curling in on himself. He shook his head, swiping at the tears on his chin. "'s selfish."

Jeff looked at him, daring to reach out and touch him. "Somer, you do matter. You matter to me and if you think you're selfish, will you tell me why?"

"You can't even eat!" Somer wailed. "You're all broken and hurting and it's /my fault/! I s-said what I was feeling and this happened and, and ... " A sob choked him off. He blew his nose and wiped at his face and said dully, "I hurt you. I hurt you, and I shouldn't've said it. It's selfish to say things like that."

"It's selfish because of Jeff's reaction to it?" the therapist asked gently. Somer nodded miserably.

Jeff looked to the therapist then to his fiancée. This time he took his hand. "Somer, look at me please. I need you to look at me while I tell you this so maybe you can understand more."

Somer forced himself to meet Jeff's eyes, but he couldn't hold the gaze. He was so frustrated and upset with himself.

Jeff cradled his cheek when he spoke. "Somer, I'm bipolar and I'm going to have manics, it's part of me, you can ask your therapist, it's just going to happen and I can't control them and how they happen. Yeah, when you were honest it messed with my head but more than anything it messed with me because you didn't tell me, you told everyone. You didn't come to me and I'm still upset and down because I think of every time you don't think you're enough as you saying you dont think I love you enough or I'm not enough. Even if that's not even what you're meaning, it's how I end up feeling." Jeff still spoke soft but trying to make his words work. "I can't eat because I'll get sick right now if I do. The manics take my appetite from me ... you're not selfish for anything you did and you should have said it ... just wish you would have told me first not everyone."

"I've been working on this for /years/!" Somer wailed again, more softly. He wiped at his face again, and sniffled. "I c-can't just ... I can't just not -- " He shook his head, unable to find the words for fear of hurting Jeff again. "This is why I'm not good enough," he mumbled. "Because I hurt you. Everything I do. I hurt you, and it's selfish, and wrong, and I shouldn't."

"I know and we'll work on it together for forever." Jeff replied to him. "We'll work on helping each other ... the lies in our heads, we'll work together to fight them the best we can. I'm gonna have to change my meds and that will help me a lot." Sitting closer, Jeff put his forehead to Somer's. "Lies in your head. You are good enough and I will tell you and show you every day that you are. We're all selfish. I asked you out fast because I knew the moment I kissed you I didn't want anyone else kissing you."

Somer sobbed out a breath, fighting to calm himself down. This wasn't going the way he'd wanted it to, because he was still too terrified of hurting Jeff; of Jeff leaving him. He wasn't being honest, and he knew it.

He forced himself to take deep breaths, until he felt light-headed, and blew his nose. As calmly as he could manage, twisting the glitter stick in his hands, Somer said, "It's not about you. It's never about you. I'm not ... I ... " He fought to find the right words. "Every time I get a text from you," he started softly, "or I wake up and you're there, or anything like that, there's this little part of me that's so relieved. You're still here. You haven't just gone away."

Somer closed his eyes and took another deep breath. "It's the same with everyone. My parents. I'm ... afraid my parents will go away. Or my b-brother. That you will all just -- go away, because I'm too hard. Or ... something. Something I don't even know about."

Jeff held his hand still, just trying to fully understand. His own mind was doing flips but he pushed it away. He had to push it down and away so he could hear Somer out. Hearing all of it, how it all ran in his mind, it helped. Hearing him say it, without a sound of malice, helped. Nodding some as if to say he was following him, Jeff sucked his lip. "So you think I'm going to leave? You think everyone is going to? What makes you feel like that? You're not too hard, not to me. We have this, we have misunderstandings but you're not too hard. I said it before, you're stuck with me." Jeff leaning in and licking his cheek. "I licked it, it's mine." Smiling sheepishly.

The redhead sighed, rubbing at his face. "It's just /there/. It's always there, that fear. There's never been a time when it wasn't there. Jeff ... there isn't anything you can do, or say, that's going to make it go away."

Jeff nodded. It was easier to understand now. Now he could more see why Somer felt the way he did about things. It wasn't just some small thing, that came and left. It was constant. "Okay," he whispered in response to him.

"S-so I'm ... always going to be," Somer took a deep breath, trying to subdue the knot in his gut, "conflicted about ... things. Because that's there. I c-can't change it." He looked down into his lap, hands still twisting on the glitter stick, and waited for Jeff to leave. Waited for this to be too much, for him to walk away and not come back.

Jeff just smiled softly once more. "Okay," he whispered and kissed Somer's cheek. He could understand better now where and why this was all happening. "Somer, next time you're feeling like this ... Please come talk to me."

Somer pressed his lips together, and vented a frustrated sigh. "You aren't listening. It's /all the time/. Every day, all the time, in the back of my head. If I talk about it, it makes it worse."

Jeff made an 'ah ha' face. "Okay so I won't make you talk about it but I'm not going anywhere and I understand what you're trying to tell me."

"I try to believe you," Somer whispered. "Most of me does. It's that tiny part that's always afraid, always, always ... s-so if I'm being honest, then I'm a tiny bit conflicted. About ... everything. And everyone. And then I try not to talk about it to you, because you think that's me saying I don't believe you love me -- and I do believe it! I just ... have that part that doesn't trust it."

Jeff kissed the back of his hand. "Yeah, I do but you never told me this part, you never showed me this part of you before for me to understand better and now I do. I understand you and what's going on in your head."

The redhead sniffled again, more tears creeping down his face. "It's so hard to talk about. Th-that's why I wanted you to come here ... it's a little easier. Here." He glanced at the therapist, then rubbed at his face. "A little."

Jeff just squeezed his hand and nodded. "I'm glad I came." he whispered to him.

The therapist cleared her throat gently. "You seem to have made a lot of progress today. If you want to have Mr Sterling continue to attend your sessions, it will cost a bit more. You should arrange that with Lanie. I have to let you go today, though."

Jeff held his hand still and nodded some. It was up to Somer if he wanted him there or not, just have to rework some of his scheduling but he'd do for him if need be. "Thank you," he whispered to the therapist as they left.

Somer glanced at Jeff, then squeezed his hand. "I have to make my next appointment," he murmured. "Thank you for coming with me. I know it was hard."

Jeff kissed his cheek. "I'll meet you at the car." With that, Jeff left him to make the appointment and went out side. He was still so run down but he had made it through and now he could only hope to just go back and get some more sleep.

After a few minutes, Somer came out to the car. "I, uh ... I didn't include you. For the next time," he said awkwardly. "I didn't think you would want it?"

Jeff looked over to him. "Maybe once in a while but I think it's good we still go alone at times ... do you ... do you want to come to mine some time?" Asking as he reached out for Somer's hand.

"I guess so?" Somer laced their fingers together, and kissed the back of Jeff's hand. "Let's go home."

"Ok, I'll see when they're okay with you coming." Jeff smiled to him and nodded. "Yes please, I wanna nap with you."