#WHICH would be fine if i didn't also have a ton of family duties and unfinished tasks i need to complete before tomorrow
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Simon (ghost) Riley head Cannon
So I'm going to try my hand at writing a ghost head Cannon, the most realistic way. I possibly could without making him out to be this monster everybody thinks he is. (also I grew up in a PTSD household iykyk so I think I have enough knowledge to say how I think he would be like from my own personal experience of course!) and I have not written in so long so bear with me this is my first thing I'm publishing officially. Anyways I hope you enjoy this 🖤
Master list
Warnings| PTSD drug and alcohol addiction, mentioned, please let me know if I got the tags and warnings right I'm new at this!
I just want to start off by saying that this is 1,000% ghost love song (if the link doesn't work it's Blood sport by sleeping token)
youtube
Since he's a lieutenant in the military he's good at reading people like a book knowing/people's intentions I mean you have to be in that field and with that being said since he can sense your intentions and know they're pure, genuine, and good, he's more open to trusting you and creating something with you rather it be friendship/relationship. ( Even if you are, or aren't, in the 141. But if you're not it will just take a little bit of extra time just be patient with the man he has severe trust issues for a reason ) but don't be mistaken with the open trust there's still a lot you two have to work on and prove to each other.
And with him being military he's used to having things his way/being in control of situations 24/7, so there's going to be a lot of fights. Mostly about him leaving at random times because he needs the space. And about where you are (if you guys are not living together yet) where you going who you hanging out with. This isn't him being possessive, this is him terrified something bad will happen to you cuz he's lost everyone he's ever loved. Which is another reason why he's so protective over the 141, because they're his family. Even though he would never openly admit it.
And with the whole space thing, Which is why he leaves he's not leaving to cheat no. he's leaving to clear his head before he snaps, because when he does snap it's like he's in this PTSD rage and starts yelling. because he has snapped at you in the past, and it was not pretty. of course! Tho he never physically harm you, he can never do that he would hate himself even more if he did that. But when he does the second he sees those tears fall it snaps him back into reality. And you'll get a quick apology before he practically runs out the door to clear his head. But don't worry he always comes back and always will and make it up to you and give you a full apology and do what he can so he doesn't do it again.
Also this is known anyway but I'm just going to go over it. unlike most military people he does not have alcohol/drug addiction, because well his brother and father. he didn't want to be like that and he also saw how badly it messed up his brother and he didn't want to be like that. However! that man does have a nicotine addiction and you cannot tell me otherwise he's the definition of smoke a whole pack of marlboro reds and then run 10 miles and be fine (the fact that I know someone like that and I've seen them do it scares me 👀)
And since he knows he's a lot to handle with how messed up he is and his past he often pushes you away because he doesn't want to burden you with his issues and make you see him as he sees himself a monster.
Even though he loves peace, and quiet, and being by himself. if he's by himself too long it turns bad and he starts punching mirrors because he's reminded himself and his past. (He has tons of cuts and scars on his hands from punching mirrors)
(I've seen other people say this and I have to strongly agree) he does NOT wear his mask off duty not only is it dangerous, but we all know he does not like bringing attention to himself. and wearing that mask off the field/Bass would strongly bring attention to him. And on top of that I don't even think he would wear it at home, cuz it would remind him of himself and the bloodshed, and the harm, he's caused to others and when he's home he doesn't want to be reminded of his past.
And with that being said we all know how his past man's has major PTSD from the military and childhood so he often has tons of night terrors (if he's even able to sleep) which causing him jumping up in the middle of the night but he's thankful for you the fact that you're there and help him to calm down he may not talk about it and seem annoyed. but he really appreciates it.
He's not comfortable with physical affection at the beginning of the relationship but more towards down the road he'll come around start hugging you out of nowhere snuggling into you in bed (low key will give you THOSE eyes to come and give him affection) and he's ESPECIALLY! not comfortable with PDA in the beginning of the relationship. But he will have an arm around your shoulder/waste and maybe hold your hand. he has to let people know you're taken and that you also don't run away if y'all are walking around shopping.
he's a decent cook he's not good, he's not bad, either he's right in the middle. But let me tell you he's the master of tea/coffee (I know coffee is not really a British thing but when you're in the military you need caffeine practically caffeine addicted machine)
Love language quality time, and access service, he's a whole-hearted believer of actions speak louder than words. (Can you blame him though)
Anyways I hope you all enjoyed this. I know it was kind of short but again I'm new at it. and please give feedback if you think my writing shit (in a nice way of course) or if you want to see more honestly I enjoyed it and I thought it was fun.🖤
#ghost headcanons#simon riley headcanons#simon riley x you#mw2 x reader#cod ghost#cod mw2 ghost#ghost call of duty#ghost cod#ghost mw2#ghost riley#ghost simon riley#simon ghost riley#mw2 ghost#call of duty headcanons#mw2 headcanons#head cannon#modern warfare 2#call of duty mw2#cod#Youtube
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sorry i keep putting stuff in here but I thought of an interesting question this morning about the guardians. (and I don't mind if this takes you ages to do it's really fine lmao)
Where would you place your Guardians (to make it easier you can do the more 'younger' half of the family) in a ranking of... morally questionable or worse to actually morally good.
My money is on Locke or Sojo being at the bottom maybe unless we're counting Rex aka Tobor
YOU'RE RIGHT THIS DID TAKE ME "AGES" TO REPLY TO I'M SO SORRY.
Honestly tho this is a very interesting question, which is why I didn't want to answer it too quickly. The thing about the Guardians that's easy to lose sight of (as a whole, including those in BH:O we haven't gotten to address yet) is that, for the most part, most of them aren't exactly bad people, they just tend to have really shitty personalities -- or at a MINIMUM, some shitty character traits. On some level I guess I get it because it's a very isolated group that gets more and more repressed and toxic the longer it goes on, but that said I can appreciate the work someone does without wanting to grab a coffee with them.
Anyway, let me see what I can come up with here. I'll do my best.
MOST VIRTUOUS - LEAST VIRTUOUS
Athair: I think it's kind of funny that I'm putting Athair at the topic when he's largely considered a disgrace among the BH itself. But honestly, I think a lot of them know deep down inside that what Athair didn't isn't actually bad, it's just not something that directly benefited them. This is a guy that gave up EVERYTHING in his life, from a pretty young age even, to help others that were desperately in need. Athair did way more than just give up his duties as a Guardian; he gave up his relationships, his home, his reputation (especially for breaking Nemo out of prison) and even just basic comfort. The life he leads with the Lost Tribe is orders of magnitude harder than the life he has on Angel Island, but he willingly chose it because it was the right thing to do.
Sabre: Okay, I think we can all agree that Sabre can be a real tool, but the main reason he was so obnoxious was because he was so frustrated by the sheer volumes of injustice that he couldn't do anything about. He's the sort of person that doesn't let the little things go because he kind of doesn't see anything as a little thing. His sense of justice is one of his main motivations in life. The main reason why I'm ranking him behind Athair is because, while he does do a lot to enact change and also has to risk/give up things that are important to him for his morals, there's not much he can do that could ever really top the incredible sacrifices that Athair had to make for his cause.
Janelle-Li: I would say that she also has a very strong sense of justice, but that's also kind of a natural side effect when you're directly facing discrimination for most of your life. A lot of people, way more than just the Brotherhood, treated her differently simply because she was a woman, so she had plenty of drive to promote change in her world. Janelle did a ton of good for Echidnaopolis and the Brotherhood, but she took a more subtle approach to do so, mostly in the form of leading by example. There's nothing wrong with that, to be sure, but it also results in changes coming at a much slower pace overall, and sometimes it doesn't always drive home why bad behaviors are bad, so there are going to be people that never learn the lesson. I'd like to think that, had she lived longer, maybe she also would've made some bigger, bolder moves as well.
Thunderhawk: There's probably not much I can say here about Thundy that y'all don't already know, because I'm pretty sure he's almost universally everyone's favorite (living) BH member. He has pretty much the same morals as Janelle, and also shares insights into what discrimination and abuse can look like. The main reason he's ranking below her instead of equal with her is that he DOES have a bad habit of drawing lines in the sand once he's come to the conclusion that someone is bad; we saw this both in how he treated Nemo and how he reacted to Locke's treatment of Elias. All of his kind words and empathy go out the window at that point, and it can take quite a lot for him to change his mind again.
Spectre: In an interesting way, I see Spectre in much the same way I see Janelle, but the key difference between them is that he doesn't have nearly as much courage. Janelle was very vocal about her thoughts and feelings and used that as a persuasive tool when fighting adversity, whereas Spectre learned very early on that it was not safe to speak his mind. As a result, he has a strong sense of morality and why things are right or wrong, but he does very little about it. If it's something he can solve with an action, he will absolutely do so, but if it requires a discussion? Spectre is borderline useless in that situation. Unfortunately, strong morals are almost meaningless if you're unable to put them into action.
Sojourner: We all know Sojo's not a pleasant person to be around, and that he can verge into abusive territories when uninterested in holding back. He IS aware that he shouldn't do things like that, but there are two problems there: 1) He may or may not actually feel bad afterwards, depending on how justified he feels to act out, and 2) even when he doesn't feel justified, he still comes up with excuses for why things are fine and he doesn't need to change. It wasn't that bad, they'll be over it soon, it's just the way I am, life isn't fair... etc etc etc, I'm sure we've all heard these excuses before. I mean yeah, it is good that he DOES occasionally call himself out for being shitty, but if he doesn't then adjust his behavior or outlook to reduce and eliminate that quality, then it's functionally the same as not calling himself out at all.
Locke: Pretty sure you guys don't need me to go into detail here, because we all know all too well how many times Locke has crossed the line without looking back. He unfortunately has the perfect mental recipe of 1) recognizing that the things he does hurts others, but 2) convincing himself that doing so is necessary. I won't even tangle this up with the fact that he feels like his actions will be a net positive in the end, because he is DIRECTLY presented with evidence, OVER AND OVER, from lots of different people, that his information is inaccurate, that there exist far less harmful ways to achieve his goals, and that he lacks the consent of those he's affecting. Even with his belief that he's had a vision, even with the fact that he undoubtedly has mental illnesses affecting how he thinks and behaves, he actively chooses the methods that necessarily and irreparably cause others harm, purely to satisfy himself and his needs. I can't even cut him a break from the fact that his illnesses are tainting how he perceives and processes information, because he DID have that period where he was in the hospital and received some of the help he desperately needed and showed a marked improvement even in that short time -- and then chose to return to methods he knew were harmful purely for his own benefit. And unfortunately, there was no more reaching him after that.
MORITORI: MORAL OR...?
I kinda wanted to address Moritori separately from everyone else, and not necessarily because he's not "really" part of the Brotherhood. An argument could be made that he -functionally- is a part of them and therefore counts, but to me that issue is kind of a red herring. The thing to remember about Moritori is that he's playing a very different game, and on a VERY different scale. He doesn't do the horrible things he does simply for shits and giggles, he does them because he's DEEP under cover in enemy territory and trying to systematically weaken his enemies enough so that his side can be victorious. That's not really uncommon or unexpected for someone in his position; he's basically the equivalent of a CIA operative. If he intends to gain any ground for HIS side of the war between the Brotherhood and the Legion, then yeah, he's going to have to get his hands dirty.
So as far as his morality is concerned, I feel like it's kind of not fair to judge him because we're necessarily looking at him as the bad guy, because our POV is implicitly aligned with the Brotherhood's. From a BH perspective, yeah, it's very easy to say that Moritori is a despicable person that does unconscionable things -- but from the Legion's perspective, this guy has made OUTRAGEOUS sacrifices purely for their benefit. He, like Athair, literally had to give up everything in his life in the hopes of helping a people desperately in need -- and he doesn't even get the benefit of BEING with those people like Athair does. Everything he does is motivated by the idea that the Brotherhood needs to be stopped, that the Legion is relying on him, that his family needs him to do these things. If it was someone on our side doing these same things in a Nazi regime during WWII, would we judge our spy for the individual things they had to do, or would we hail them as a war hero for taking down the enemy and saving our people? And if we were to do that, does that mean that the individual acts they had to commit against the other side are now fine? They're still horrible things, but we forgive them for those things in that context. But they still did them, and people suffered for it -- just not our people, so we don't tend to extend that compassion.
Anyway, this is just a very long way to say that Moritori's morals are complicated. He does a LOT of horrible things that hurt a ton of people, but I also think that context is key, and the fact that he's under cover in the middle of a war adds at least some mud to the water. The Brotherhood would consider him less than scum, but the Legion would hail him as one of the greatest heroes of all time for single-handedly taking on the entire Brotherhood to save them. Who's right and who's wrong depends deeply on your point of view.
#The Brotherhood#charleecat-bat#this was an interesting mental exercise to finally go through#SORRY AGAIN IT TAKES ME SO LONG
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FOMO
I have missed out on a lot—and I still do miss out on so much now.
All of my friends in high school got their licenses to drive before they graduated. I was an idiot and waited. I'm nineteen and still only have my permit. I'm sure most of them have their own cars now! Do you know how humiliating it is to ask people for rides every time you want to go to the grocery store? I feel pathetic.
I never had a gaming console growing up, save for our Nintendo Wii which hardly saw any use beyond things like Wii Sports. I was raised on Flash games. When I was a kid I never played Call of Duty, or Battlefield, or Sonic, or Solid Snake, or Zelda, or Grand Theft Auto, or any other huge franchise with a massive fanbase. I never got to participate in those discussions of what was the best Fortnite season because I only started playing in late August of 2023. And I only started playing it because all of my roommates did, too. Two Christmases ago I had gotten a Nintendo Switch, but man, did that thing collect dust. It ran Fortnite like a toaster oven would do calculus. But the following Christmas I got an Xbox Series X. And man, do I love that thing. I've gotten many more games since, but Fortnite is still my favorite.
I have ARFID—avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. Basically, I am ten thousands times worse than a picky eater. I eat maybe 50 different foods total. I have dealt with this all my childhood, but not without its awkward moments. Remember those pizza parties everyone had in their classrooms? I had to be the kid that declined the slice. I do not know what is "wrong with me"; I simply feel no attraction toward any of the foods that the rest of my culture loves, like mac and cheese, or pasta, or chicken wings, or fish, or rice, or tacos, or whatever else. It is so ridiculously humiliating to be the one in the family that limits where we can go out to eat. Fifteen. Years. Running. This is also part of the reason I am scared of dating—you know how few people are willing to put up with someone with an eating disorder?
When I was in high school, I had a very close friend. My junior year I attempted to sacrifice my other relationships to be closer with him and his other friend. That backfired. I realized that he didn't care as much about me as I did him. He had everything. The cool best friend, a girlfriend, the lead role in the musical, the respect of the underclassmen and the upperclassmen. He was in tons of extracurriculars and ran track. He was a star student with a job and a car. When I realized this one January night, when I realized I'll never be him, I cried. It still remains the only time I have shed tears over pure jealousy. That feeling is something I still struggle with even in college.
And my college, I like it. But it wasn't my first choice. My first choice was in upstate New York. And I had tunnel vision for that school. No backup plans. So, of course, when that turned out to be too expensive, I was left with nothing. I didn't want to go somewhere local, for some reason, so I went to the school my sister graduated from, which is near Baltimore. And I enrolled. It's a fine place. But almost every day I think, "I am here not because I want to be, but because I have to be". I long for the day I am not beholden to other people's effects, whether that is due to my own ineptitude or others' authority.
I am jealous of people in relationships. Not strictly romantic ones, but people in friend groups, too. I have had some women here or there that I've attempted to date, but all have fallen through. I am too picky? Do I even need that kind of responsibility? I already struggle with getting my homework done on time. When I examine within myself why I want a girlfriend, it really boils down to the fact that I'm lonely. I have friends on campus, but none I explicitly hang out with outside of class time. And then I go on social media and see them out somewhere. I know I'm not entitled to an invite, but it still hurts. And my family (90% of the time I say this, I mean my mom and my sister) gives me a lot of shit for this. My sister loves to dig into me about it. I told her about some design student trip that I would have went had she not been planning to come visit me (remember I go to her alma mater; she knows professors here). She says something to the effect of, "Well, you wouldn't've gone anyway even if I was never coming." That hurts.
I am a jealous person. Every day I feel jealous about something; it is an inherit feeling within me. Some of these feelings stem from legitimate factors, other are just my own ego. I don't know how to stop being jealous because I can't be happy with what I have. I've just been feeling like shit lately because of it. I didn't get the teenage experience I wanted, and I'm not getting the adolescent experience I was promised, either. How great it must be to have the life you want.
—CF
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just need to rant a little about something, it's nothing serious just annoying
so, i've mentioned on here before that we've been helping out a family friend of ours here lately (i'll call him C and his wife R to make it easier) and that's been okay for the most part, but here lately there's something that's really been bugging me. a few things, actually.
i think i've explained this before but in case i haven't, they purchased a camper a while back and decided to move down to this area to be closer to some of their family and for a while they were staying at an actual campground and all was going well
as my dad started to get sicker, however, they offered to come bring their camper onto our property so that they'd be able to be right there if any of us, especially my dad, needed anything (it also just so happened that C had gotten into some kind of serious disagreement with the owner of said campground so they probably needed to move anyway but it was supposedly going to be all for our benefit)
which like hey, that's really thoughtful, thank you and so we agreed. however, in the process of making that all happen, it ended up taking them so long (not really sure why, but i'm sure there was a reason) to actually get here that my dad was already well on his way out
this meant that before hospice came in it was just me and my mom taking care of him, which was fine because as it turned out anyway by the time C was here to help me during the day that my dad didn't want him to see him like that so he really pulled all his strength to be as normal and lively as possible around him and then collapsed and spent the whole next day in bed
but hey, that's not his fault, it just is what it is, i guess my point is just...they never really ended up helping us with that, it honestly made things harder for us, but we still appreciated the gesture and we appreciated them just being here.
and since then sure, they've done a few things for us here and there. C especially has taken on the duty of hauling off the trash and here lately now that the grass is growing back he's been mowing that, so like okay, thank you but y'know, that's....stuff my mom and i could do.
it's also not like we don't have anyone else we could ask, my mom knows a fuck ton of people so it's not like, "well gosh, if you guys weren't here nothing would ever get done!!" because it would. we managed this long and my dad was sick for a long time before he actually passed so a lot of his responsibilities around the house had already fallen to us anyway so....there's that.
and i know this is starting to sound really snotty and i promise just...hang in here with me, okay?
because here's another thing: they have not paid rent the entire time they've been here. it's been eight going on nine months and my mom hasn't asked them for that.
she did, after six months, ask for some help with the utilities but even then i know she's undercharging them and still taking on most of the burden herself. (also at one point when our electric bill was crazy high and it turns out yeah, a lot of that was the shit with the ac unit but also they also admitted they'd been leaving a space heater running all day long in their camper while they were at work.........i dunno if you know this, but space heaters run up power bills like crazy and the only reason i'm mentioning this is like...C's work schedule now means he gets home before R and i'd notice whenever he got home he'd leave the camper door open for a bit....almost like it was too hot in there. and mind you, he often comes home and immediately starts doing some shit outside so....why couldn't you just come home, turn on the heater, dick around outside and by the time R got home it should be nice and warm and not too suffocating in there? but...not my business, i guess and i guess form their end when they weren't paying for the power who cares how much you run it up, right?)
my mom's also taken some the stuff around the place C has worked on into consideration and will take off from whatever utilities are owed because she figures that's fair
but on that note, we're both starting to get a little....mmm, pissed.
because my dad paid C $3,000 to do some specific repairs to one of the storage buildings he has and in eight month C hasn't once even started on it, nor has he given us any reason why he hasn't.
instead, he's been taking it upon himself to do all these little projects around the place that we didn't ask him to do, don't like the result of and that are supposedly solving problems that we've been managing just fine for almost 20 years now and acting as if he's doing us some great big favor and it's starting to feel almost patronizing like, "oh, you silly people just don't know how to manage this place, here, let me show you!!"
like at one point he poured a bunch of gravel and widened out part of the driveway and said something about it would be easier for vehicles to get around but like....i cannot emphasize to you enough how much that didn't need to be done and i even said something along those lines when he was showing it to me like, "Oh well, we've made it work for this long but thanks, I guess".
turns out, though, around that time he was talking to my mom about possibly moving their camper into our backyard for whatever god forsaken reason and so i'm thinking that's really why he did it, so it would be easier for THEM, not us but hey, if you say you're doing someone a favor you can just do whatever the fuck you want to their property, right? even if it's actually just for you??
okay, so there's that and now he's also doing god knows what at the end of our driveway where supposedly the gravel keeps getting washed away and sure, every few years or so my parents would go and get a bunch of gravel for the road (not just our part, but for all the neighbors) and would get out there and spread it all out and yeah it's probably not ideal but a lot of the reason why is because after a certain amount of time and cars going up and down a gravel road it....causes the gravel to move. wild ass concept, but it is what it is
now he's dug up a bunch of shit to create some kind of trench system or something because he says it's the rain that keeps washing the gravel away and this will stop it (mind you were were also in a drought for several months and the gravel still got fucked up but...okay!!) but now it just...it looks like shit, my mom said she can already tell it's going to make it harder to mow down there and he's also put a bunch of rocks up down there that have narrowed the entrance which i know has to be pissing off any ups or fed ex or anyone else who comes out here because i'm having trouble turning my car into it so i know they have to be as well
and here again.........we did not ask him to do this. we did not pay him to do this. he's doing this of his own volition and i get it it's supposed to "help" us and solve a problem, but i think it's actually just creating more than what the solution would ultimately be
that's been the case for a few things he's done around here that my mom and i already know as soon as they're gone we're going to have to undo
and here again....there's one project in specific you've already been paid a chunk of money to do and you're just...doing everything else but that
from my end of it as well (and i realize this is probably incredibly petty, but oh well) it's just....driving me insane anymore because so seriously whenever he gets home in the evenings now there's always some project he's out there working on and he'll be out there all fucking evening long until the sun goes down
which not only means that now i can't just go out into my own fucking yard whenever i want to without getting roped into a conversation i don't want (because every time i see one of them it's at LEAST 30 minutes of time in my day i don't have to stop and talk about their problems and he always wants to know what i'm talking about in therapy which just feels weird to me?? like he's started going to his own now and i guess he was trying to get me to just...share my therapy with him but like, bud, it doesn't work like that also i really don't have the bandwith to play therapist by proxy to anyone right now so like ????), but it's made taking the dog outside to go to the bathroom an absolute nightmare
because C and R also have a dog and so naturally any time C is out there so is their dog and whenever our dog sees him he goes nuts and wants to play and wrestle with him and all of that and initially it was like, "awww, that's cute, they're friends!" but now it's just a headache
i tried to open the door just a sliver the other day so i could get something off the front porch and our dog saw their dog out in the yard and so he zoomed past me and then it was five minutes of, "hey you two, stop play fighting! i need to get back to work, please come back inside!"
i actually had a meltdown the other day because of this.
it was one of those days where i ended up doing more chores than work and so by the time i was finally able to sit down and actually get something done it was right as C got home and decided to mow the yard which fine, whatever, but like...he had his dog out there with him who was so upset by the sound of the mower that he just stood right next to our house and barked and barked and barked and barked and barked which means our dog started to bark and bark and bark and bark and bark
and i realize the gracious and kind thing to do probably would have been to just let their dog come inside so he could at least stop barking his head off but once again i knew it would be a lot of "hey, hey, hey boys settle down! hey quit that! please just lie down here next to me while i work, please!?" and i just...couldn't
i took our dog upstairs where he at least wasn't right at the window going ballistic and that calmed him down some but i was just over it by that point
another one of his projects that he's also always out there working on now is this truck he bought, because that's another thing: we were letting him drive my dad's truck for a good while there (like over a year i think?)
my dad obviously wasn't using it and C was in a spot where he needed once because while they were at the campground a tree fell on his truck and damaged it beyond repair so hey, no problem.
once again, here's something we didn't ask for anything in return and you can just use it, all we ask is to please be careful with it because we have a lot of memories attached to it with my dad and he really loved it
well, at some point (mind you after it's been over a year) my mom let him know she would eventually like to have the truck back, especially so she can do things like haul mulch for her garden or get gravel for the road, etc. but there was no pressure, no "you have to do this right now!!!" type of thing and it was only after he'd driven the truck for a long, long ass time did she ask him to pay some of the insurance for it.
okay, so he goes out and gets himself a used truck but it's....in really bad shape. like i don't know fuck all much about vehicles but i can tell you just from the look of it and how its leaked oil all over the place that it's in bad shape but...alright. it's a fixer upper, i guess and he swears he can fix it so it's fine
except for the first few months he continued to just drive my dad's truck while he worked on that one. not....really what we had in mind and he's clearly banged the front of it into something because the front plate has a crack in it so that's....neat.
but still, we haven't really said anything, my mom just keeps dropping gentle hints about hoping to be able to use the truck for different things (mind you, too, we have to ask him for the key so it's not like we can just take it whenever we want.....even though it's ours)
but okay fine, you're fixing up the new old truck, whatever but then every time he gets one thing fixed something else breaks and then he's right back to using my dad's truck and i just....am not really sure why this was the solution
and i know what you're thinking, "geez, anna, you overly privileged bitch, not everyone can afford nice things!" but here again...we haven't been charging them rent for several months now, he has a good paying job, they're both working and when i explain some more shit in a little bit i hope it'll be a little more clear as to why this is puzzling me
here again, though, it's not my money, it's not really my business, we're just trying to step up and offer whatever assistance we can and i guess if he needs to be out there every single day just....tearing up our yard and fixing his broken ass truck until the sun goes down we'll just....deal with it
my mom really wanted to get out in her garden today and just be left in peace to do that because it's good for her mental health, but he was out there fucking around all day and she also didn't feel up to having a long ass conversation about what new terrible project he's up to out there so she just stayed inside and watched TV.
but speaking of vehicles....so, i mentioned that a little while back around Christmas that R got into a car accident and it ended up totaling her car (this was after C bought his truck, btw) and so we were all just happy she and everyone else involved were okay
obviously she was going to be without a car for a minute so we offered her multiple solutions: for one, she and my mom work at the same place now so my mom offered to drive her to and from work every day which would have also saved on gas, but she said no to that which okay, fair, i get it, i like having the independence of my own vehicle and not having to rely on someone else, especially if you wanted to leaver earlier or stop on your way, so that's fine
but at this point we now had a whole ass extra vehicle that's just...sitting there and no one drives which to me seemed like the obvious solution, right? but she also said no to that because it wouldn't be as comfortable because it's a truck (mind you, this woman used to drive a school bus, so it's not like she's intimidated by the size, she just...didn't want that vehicle lol) but so....okay
i offered her my car. i don't ever really go anywhere except to the grocery store, the pharmacy and therapy and it's not an every day thing for any of those so i was like, "hey, you can just take mine if you want" and that idea she did like!!
in fact, she liked my car so much she....pretty much just took it over for a few months which meant every time i needed it for something i had to ask for my key back and whenever i did ask there was always...something
"oh, well, how long is that going to take because we were going to go do blah blah blah...." like...??? then take my dad's fucking truck!! (i should mention that this isn't the one C was still using off and on, he had a different one that he was driving while C was driving his old one full time and so it's literally just been a whole ass bonus vehicle that neither my mom or i are as attached to as the old one that he used far more, but C won't drive this newer one for whatever reason and R didn't find it to her satisfaction so...fine) but i just worked it out around their schedule even though one of the things was "oh, well we were going to take your car to go get the oil changed and wash it!!"
they've been promising me that since december and it's almost april now and guess what still hasn't gotten done?
which hey, no worries, i am perfectly capable of going to get my oil changed and washing my car, i've been doing it for over a decade now, but like....are you going to do me the favor or not because as soon as i get the extra cash i'm just...going to go do it myself and really don't need to be jerked around here being promised every weekend that it'll happen and then it just doesn't
this also again started to become this thing of like, "oh anna, what would you do without us, you don't even know how to properly take care of your own car!!!" because they keep telling me i need my oil changed....which i know, but then they also say they'll do it but never do so like.... and then i noticed every time i would get in my car the heat was always cranked all the way up to 80 and at full blast and R was putting shower caps on my side mirrors because didn't i know that would help them from getting frosted and gosh, my car is just so hard to defrost!! but like.....hey um, y'know that AC button, the one that's always turned off whenever i get in my car? yeah, that doesn't just do cool air, y'all, it's what helps the defrost work if you'd just...turn it on.....maybe you wouldn't have to do all of that and crank it all the way up, i mean...gosh, i've only been driving the fucker for a few years now but what do i know!!!! because any time i tried to ever say anything, i was just wrong!!!
that's something R does to my mom constantly, is just tell her that she's wrong about everything because R saw something online somewhere or someone told her something and so my mom's just wrong and we're both idiots i guess (except i also seem to remember R not wanting to get vaccinated when Covid first hit because she thought the vaccine was of the devil, but y'know...it's me and my mom who don't know shit about shit, i guess!!)
but so at some point i guess me asking one too many times for my key back so i could go to therapy or whatever i guess pissed R off because she decided (without asking my mom, just told her one day) that she would just carpool with her for a while
and i know it's me and i know i'm probably one of the biggest bitches on the planet, but i swear to god i was so nice about this whole thing and really tried to not ask for my car unless i absolutely needed it.
but okay, whatever, fine, ride with my mom, i guess. in the mean time, R and C were going and looking at some used cars to see about getting her a replacement but it took....goddamn forever and the only reason i'm bringing this up is because C was even telling me how frustrated he was getting with her because nothing they looked at was good enough for her and she kept finding some reason or excuse for every one for why it just wasn't adequate
she was even talking to me about it at one point and telling me about this one car she was looking at but she just wasn't sure......and when i asked her what was wrong with it or why she was hesitant she couldn't give me an actual reason, she just didn't know.......
now personally, and this is just between us, i think she was just happy to not have a car payment for a little bit and was trying to see how long she could stretch it. i know that sounds ugly to say about someone, especially someone you love but here again....there will be context to why i think that revealed in a bit
eventually, though, she did seem to find one that would do (or maybe just sensed that everyone was getting annoyed) and settled on one, so great! awesome!! and unlike C's truck, this one actually seems just fine and has no problems, so even better!!
but then like...i don't remember if it was earlier today or yesterday but like...they had to go somewhere and instead of taking his truck or her new car they took...my dad's truck. again.
and i dunno, maybe his truck was acting up again and they needed to haul something her suv couldn't but i just....alright. no please, continue to put more miles on that thing when you both have your own vehicles just sitting there, it's fine!!
but okay, so here's the other thing: my mom helped R get a job at the place we all work. like she vouched for her, asked our managers and because she has more pull than i ever will they agreed to give a shot
she started out as a scheduler for one of the providers and it was going....eh, okay, but she wasn't happy doing it and was getting really behind so that's one thing i have to give my job, for better or for worse, they're very hesitant to fire anyone. you have to fuck up pretty bad to actually get the axe (which is also why i'm so cautious about just quitting it to jump onto something else because job security like that just doesn't exist anymore and it's probably to do moreso with the fact that they don't pay us all that well, our insurance always sucks despite us working in healthcare and they make each of us do the work of like two or three other people but whatever)
she used to work front desk before they moved down here (at the exact same kind of specialty office, so it's not like this was a whole new venture for her) and yet it's been months and she's still just...not doing a good job.
so much so that my mom has told me damn near every single day at least one of her patients ends up sitting out in the waiting room for anywhere from 30 minutes to a damn near hour and it's because she just...didn't finish checking them in!! she's been doing this for months now.
and listen, i'm really not trying to be one of those people who's like, "well if i could do it, anyone can!" but like....it's really not that difficult of a job. i've worked multiple in this company now and front desk is the second best option next to what i'm currently doing (also not for nothing but when i first started back they had me working front desk and getting charts ready for the providers and handling all the incoming referrals by myself so like....i really do get it; she's only being asked to do front desk and that's it)
and listen, because i've been working at this place for so long, i completely understand how it operates and in specific, how bad our managers are at training new people.
it's one of those things where they only know about half the steps themselves so they have no real grasp on how long it actually takes for someone to get the hang of things and think you can just show someone something once or twice and they ought to have it down pat, but like...obviously that's not going to be the case
from my end of it, though, i just....realized that pretty early on and instead of sitting around and hoping someone would come along and train me more i just started asking questions to any and everyone else who i saw did know how to do the job and honestly because of that is how i got to be so good and well-rounded at it that a manager had me write a training manual on how to do that specific job
is it ideal? no and i agree 100% that management should be responsible, but i believe heavily in meeting things where they're at and so if i see management isn't going to do it and it needs to get done, i will find a way, goddammit and most of all, i will not let the patients or anyone else suffer because of it
people can think whatever the hell they want about how i approach my job, but that's always been one of my biggest things is that because we work in healthcare i feel an obligation and duty to our patients to try to take care of them in a timely and efficient manner because as a life-long disabled bitch with a lot of anxiety to boot i know the more streamlined this process can be from the patient's perspective, the better
they should not have to be calling us, calling us, calling us asking if anyone's ever going to look at their referral or sitting in the waiting room for over half a goddamn hour when their ticket should already be printed and the MAs who are already busy up to their eyeballs don't need to be constantly coming to the front asking if their patients are ready yet
but, again, i get that it's frustrating when your job is letting you down and not doing right by you and if this were any other situation i'd say fine, y'know. it's definitely not ideal for the patients, but if you don't give a fuck about anyone else then fine, just...keep showing up every day and doing a bad job on purpose because at this point (and she's said this, i'm not just assuming or putting words in her mouth) she just wants them to fire her so she can get unemployment.
now here's where i get especially pissy. again, if this were any other job and that was her strategy i'd say fine or if this was a different position and it was affecting someone i love, fine.
but one day she came over to do some laundry and were were chit-chatting about work and as she was proclaiming that she just wasn't going to try to get better at her job i did go ahead and just gently point out to her that while i understood her frustration, her doing that ends up messing up my mom's entire day
my mom is not like most providers who i assume have also been dealing with this, but they'll just roll with it and be like, "oh well, your visit should have been 20 minutes at least but now it's going to be five so i can get out of here on time!!"
my mom takes as long as she needs to take with her patients and even when her schedule goes just fine she'll sometimes take almost the whole hour for some that are really sick or really struggling or just whatever the situation is and she'll sacrifice getting any kind of break.
i can't tell you how many times she's come home and said she didn't get to have lunch and was just on her feet all day going from patient to patient
that's a sacrifice she's more than willing to make because she loves her patients and wants to take the best care of them possible, so to me it's just....kinda shitty to make that even harder for her??
because when that kind of thing happens, even just whenever a patient themselves is late, that can throw things off but hey, shit happens, right?
to me, though, it's different if the reason is because someone at front desk just...doesn't want to do that job anymore but instead of quitting and finding something else or asking if she can be moved to some other position she's just going to tank it on purpose and make my mom's life hell every day
and again, i said this all gently, i wasn't the least bit mean about it and i even offered her some help.
i specifically told her one of the ladies that helped train me who has been doing that job for so long that she knows every trick, every trade, every secret and is one of the nicest people you could ever meet that i just know she would say yes if i asked her, "hey, would you mind showing R some pointers, i think our job has left her out to dry"
she too has been through the ringer with them and would fully understand and i know she would have said yes and R even said she had met her before so it's not like i'm telling her to reach out to a complete stranger to ask for help but to my knowledge she hasn't bothered nor did she seem interested in taking me up on my offer to show her some pointers so like....what else is anyone really supposed to do for her at this point?
i'm really not trying to be a bitch here, but like...??? (also, not for nothing but my name has already come up in conversation over who would take her place if they were to move her somewhere else and thank fuck one of my managers stepped up for me and said, "uh, anna actually has enough on her plate right now, ask someone else" but like....she doesn't even realize she almost screwed me over, too by handling it like this)
and i guess the thing that's really pissing me off is like...this shit's obviously starting to piss management off so they've been coming down on her and what does she decide to do?
keep going to my mom sobbing about it and asking her what she should do.
she even asked her at one point if she knew of any other jobs she could help her get and i just...i'm sorry, but that has just flown all the fuck over me
my mom helped you get this job, vouched for you and said you'd be a good worker and all you've done is prove her wrong and fuck up her entire day every single day, she's let you live here for almost 9 months now rent-free, we've given you and your husband our vehicles to drive around and haven't asked for shit in return and you're fifty-fucking-seven years old, how about you get yourself another job instead of asking my mom to fix it and also wanting her to play goddamn therapist to you??
because she's done this on more than one occasion now, barging into my mom's office during a time she's specifically told her over and over again she really needs to be able to focus on her charts and getting results to patients and just plops herself down and won't move until my mom will give her something or fix her problems for her
and more than that, any time my mom tries to ever gently correct something she's said (especially if it's medical knowledge which yeah, what the hell would my mom know, she's only been doing this for like 40 some odd years now) or even just be like, "mmm, i'm not sure that's right" she gets like...almost hateful with her and belittles her going, "no, no that's not true!! that's not right!!!" and like this shit with not checking patients in, she wanted to roll up on my mom one of those days and be like, "i just wanted to let you know this wasn't my fault, i was doing everything right!!!" and was like...angry with my mom because she had said something to one of our managers but honest to god, she didn't even know at that point that it was R's fault, she thought it was the other front desk lady and again, this was after it had happened several times that she even said anything but...okay, i guess
but what's also getting me is like... that same other front desk lady told my mom that R had said something to the effect in regards to them living with us that yeah, they'll probably be here for at least a year and she's using this time to get caught up on all her bills!!! :)
now listen, that's....nice and all, but uh........my mom also gave them $2,000 at some point (i don't even remember for what, they just needed it) and she has yet to pay her any of that back
so between the two of them, they owe either the work my dad paid for or that $3,000 back plus another $2,000 so essentially $5,000.
and it's not like my mom's been sitting here just hounding them for it, she hasn't said anything, actually, which maybe that's why they're taking their sweet time but i just...what the fuck, man.
my mom also loaned out a shit ton of money to one of my dad's sisters because she's trying to raise her daughter's daughter so that she doesn't go into the foster care system and you know what she did even though she really should just get to kick back and enjoy retirement? she got a job so she could take care of that little girl and as soon as she got her tax return (which she must have filed right away) she paid my mom back for all the help she gave her while she was looking for a job
and the thing of it is, my mom is constantly giving out money to people.
i know if someone on the outside were to look at us and look at what we have it would be easy to assume we must be rolling in it but for one, it turns out my dad's income was actually the primary one and without it we don't really have it liked we used to (which is not to say we're struggling, i don't want to misrepresent us by any means, but like i see my mom's paychecks, they're only about double what mine are and i see the bank account, it doesn't have anywhere near as much in it as it used to)
and on top of that, yes, my mom is constantly trying to help as many people as she possibly can.
i know at one point while my dad was dying i opened her cash app because she asked me to send some money on her behalf because she was doing something with him and just the first few things that popped up were like "$400 to one of her friends who was out of work at the time, $600 to my brother who was homeless, $150 to my niece for something the girls needed, $300 to my dad's sister to help with groceries" and it just went on like that
she is by no means a stingy person and it would be one thing if we came from old money or someone somewhere had a trust fund, but so seriously both of my parents were poor as shit growing up and worked their asses off to get where they are
yes, they've obviously had privileges in the process of doing so just by virtue of being white, cis-gender, able-bodied straight people (well, my mom did date a lady that one time but mostly straight) but like...two things can be true at the same time and as someone who's medical expenses damn near bankrupt this family, i know we have not always had it easy
it's in fact a big part of the reason why my mom is so generous and tries to share as much as she has with everyone she can because she and my father both have had to be at the mercy of family, friends and even complete strangers to get by in this world. she constantly feels guilty and like she's not doing enough to share what we have now with everyone
we've had several conversations about this house and this property and she and my father have made me promise them that if i ever decide i want to move somewhere else or give this place up that i just make sure it does as much good for other people as possible, even if that means turning it into some kind of shelter or retreat for people struggling so they can come here and have some peace
so it just...pisses me off to no end that here is someone who's reaping the benefits of all of that, that we're sacrificing our peace and space for with little to no return and yet it's just...never enough and on top of that it's like....one of you goes to work and actively makes my mom's job harder for her and the other one stays here and does shit to this property i know probably has my dad tossing and turning in his urn
and i know this is bitchy, i get it, but like...i cannot tell you how much this has frustrated me as i've tried to sit here and process about a million different kinds of grief and it just feels like these two are running all over us and turning this place into something neither of us are happy with while just constantly taking, taking, taking and never really giving anything back
and the thing of it is, anything they even could do for us at this point we really don't need them to. we've managed just fine up until this point without them and again, it's not like if they couldn't do whatever little it is they are doing we couldn't just ask someone else or do our own damn selves.
my mom literally knows a guy whose entire business is lawn care stuff and he's come out here before to help mow and she's paid him for it, so like....we're fine.
because that's something else, too, R keeps saying she'll come help me and my mom clean and organize stuff but in all this time she hasn't once done it and every time my mom and i are doing stuff she just complains that her back's killing her so she can't which like, fine! again, as a disabled i completely get not being able to do something even though you'd like to, but like...don't offer, then. don't keep promising it when you know you're not going to.
don't keep saying you will and making us sit around and wait for you while shit piles up and we eventually end up doing it by ourselves anyway if you know you're going to be out of commission for doing that kind of stuff. i get that it's nice to offer, but i dunno, just say, "dang, i wish i could help with that. here's what i can do, would that help?" and have it be something you know you can or just...don't offer anything at all, idk
and not for nothing, but it's not just me sitting here getting all paranoid and accusatory towards people i love because i'm just that kind of bitch, it's some of my mom's friends now that are seeing this and getting pissed off on our behalf and i'm just...so, so fucking tired. so goddamn tired.
i realized the other day that pretty much my entire fucking life (with a few exceptions) we have opened up our home to our friends and family to stay with us and have helped people out with bills and whatnot.
i remember in particular when one of my brothers and his wife and their kid came to live with us when i was a kid which to me at the time kicked ass because their daughter was one of my best friends so it was like getting to be roommates as kids but my sister hated it because she had to give them her room and sleep on the couch (they were also the ones, btw, who brought the police to our house one night because they were driving under the influence with their kid in the backseat.....good times!!)
we've also had my dad's brother and his wife live with us, one of their kids live with us (i can't remember if it was him and his wife or if he was still single at that time, but he definitely did), that same brother from before except this time just him (y'know, the time he sexually harassed me and had to be kicked out?? not good times!!) and one of my other brothers for a little while AND C and his previous wife (who was actually our blood relative, we are not related to C or R but we didn't like his previous wife even though she's family so we always joked we'd keep him it the divorce) as well as her son who at the time i think was like 13 or 14.
and once again, it has always been a, "hey don't worry about it, we've got you, we'll help you through whatever this is, we'll help you get jobs, we'll take care of everything, just respect us and our space and we're good"
but it's largely because of how things ended the last time C was here with his previous wife (we'll call her D) that i think we're both hesitant to really say anything because although this was largely on D it still just...ended badly and caused a whole bunch of drama and i just cannot emphasize enough how much we just want peace right now.
because last time i shit you not, all we did was sit down at the dinner table together and said, "hey, so we just wanted to talk about some things and get y'all's side of it and see if we can't work things out" because it was getting to this point where like...D kept inviting her adult daughter to come and spend the week with us without ever asking us (and while she was here D also gave her permission to just..take some of my stuff without asking? like fully took it to a whole ass other state and would be on facebook bragging about whatever it was of mine she was using and that was the first knowledge i had that anything of mine was even moved) and how in the mornings after they made breakfast for just themselves they would leave behind a big ass mess that my mom would have to come behind and clean just so she could then make her own breakfast and it was starting to make her late to work.
we were nice about it and were even like, "hey, we know that we probably do stuff that might get in y'all's way or there might be things we can improve on to help us all get by easier so is there anything on our end we can help with?"
and that just apparently undid D.
how fucking DARE we ask her to clean up her mess or banish her daughter (our FAMILY!!!!) from this house, what uppity, awful people we were!!!! when that was.......not at all the case
i mean mind you, i dunno what digestive issues her son had but every fucking day there was just....shit all over my toilet. literal human shit just caked all over the fucking toilet seat and we all shared my bathroom so it's not like she didn't know
at one point he fucked it up so bad in there i just got fed up and was like, "hey....your kid broke my toilet again, can you fix it this time please?"
mind you, D wasn't working and all she did was sit around our house all fucking day eating our food and farting up the place. i'm pretty sure my mom tried to get her hired as well but that didn't pan out either so like....whatever
but yeah, because we had the gall and audacity after months of this bullshit to just...gently ask, "hey can you guys...pull your fucking weight around here a little?" that was it!!!!
they packed up all their shit and got out of here and proceeded to tell the rest of the family what awful, terrible, selfish monsters we were and that WE had kicked them out and forced them to struggle (mind you, it didn't take them any time at all to find a new place because C was mostly gone during all of this working his ass off to compensate for D's lazy ass but still, as far as anyone knows we tossed them out onto the street and said, "good riddance!!!")
and so i say all of this to say i'm just.......incredibly frustrated right now
again, i realize it is a tremendous privilege to be in a position to be able to help others and give out money and all of that, 1000%.
but at the same time......does that mean we really deserve to be taken for a ride constantly?? and have our lives made worse for it without even an apology or attempt to do right by us??
i dunno.
i've really had to do some soul-searching lately and ask myself if it's us, if we're just....bad people and this is just what we deserve.
but then i think, no, if we're that bad then everyone should just distance themselves from us, right? it's like...serial killer behavior to only keep people around that you think are so terrible that they deserve to be taken advantage of, but not so terrible that you ought to protect yourself and do the healthy thing and distance yourself from such terrible, awful people
please just kick us out of the family or out of whatever personal circles and y'know what's fucking sad about that? not so much my dad because he had a lifetime of putting up with this shit, but my mom and i specifically are the type of people that you can treat us like utter shit and we will still try to help you if you're really in a bad way
we may not do it perfectly or give whoever we're helping every single solitary thing they could possibly need to have a better life, but goddammit if we don't try. (i actually made my dad cry at one point because he could see me getting sucked into trying to help my brother out the same way he tried to for his entire life and i forget what in specific i had done but it was a big ass favor for him and my dad had tears in his eyes when he asked me "why did you do that?" and said he loved me for having done it but knew there was a good chance i'd get burned for having done so but oh well. at least i tried).
and i know a lot of people who know me or even are reading this probably think i'm just some irrational, selfish bitch just for shits and giggles, but it so seriously comes from a lifetime of shit like this
i have watched my entire life as family member after family member, friend after friend, coworker after coworker and everything else in between come into our lives, gladly accept all of the help and money we can possibly give and then skip out of lives while giving us the middle finger and telling everyone how badly we let them down and what no-good pieces of shit we are and i'm just....so fucking tired
i dunno if all of this has triggered something in me, but i've started having dreams about a friend i used to have (we'll call her B) and just...jesus christ, man, same fucking thing
i was best friends with this person for about a decade and the entire time we were friends i tried my hardest to give her everything i had and then some.
her family were not that great and they especially wanted her to be home all the time, i don't think she'd never even gone to the movies before i met her so i tried my very best to share everything i had with her and take her with me wherever i went and buy her little gifts constantly and take her out just to drive around to get out of the house and bought her dinners and took her to concerts that i paid for everything for and do you know what it got me?
tossed to the side the second something better came along!!!!
specifically for dick.
i never could compete with that, nor did i want to, but goddamn if i wasn't tossed out on my ass every time she got into a new relationship which i think is a lot of what's fueled my issues with relationships and wanting to be in one so bad because it was like....oh, guess i better find someone, too... speaking of, the one and only time i ever dated someone B stopped talking to me completely, not because she was jealous or anything, but supposedly because it was *checks notes* for my own good? idk
i ended up breaking up with that guy specifically because of that, i didn't think he was worth losing my best friend over and turns out that was the right call because he was actually engaged the entire time and wasn't planning on telling me so that's...neat.
but she didn't know that and again, didn't ever attempt to actually talk to me like, "hey, i don't think you should date him, he seems like a loser" she just....avoided me completely and refused to even pretend to be happy for me
on my end, though, my own envy aside, i always showed up to support her and whichever dude was actively taking my place to the point where she would stop responding to my messages altogether unless she needed me as a shoulder to cry on
i literally got dragged along on their dates and even once for some reason had to....stay in the house her boyfriend was living at at the time and sleep on the couch, but i just remember trying to get to sleep and having to put my headphones on because they were upstairs having sex so loudly so like...for all i ever get accused of being a crazy, jealous bitch who can't handle herself i've actually been very supportive of my friends getting into relationships even when they were with complete assholes who i tried as hard as i possibly could to pull them away from
it's something else, too where like...B essentially made me be her mom, her therapist and caretaker all rolled into one and tasked me with saving her from herself and yet...every single time i tried, no matter what i did, she would undo in an instant and then i was supposed to come in and clean up the mess and make it all better so that she could turn around and do it all again and again and again all the while my heart's just breaking for her over and over again and i'm pissed off at myself for not being able to save her and once again...what did she do to me? even though my sister had recently passed?? she abandoned me!!!!! for some fucking guy!!!!!! wooooooo!!!
but here again....years later she came back to me and apologized and even admitted that she had taken advantage of me. granted (and maybe this is ungenerous of me, but) she was going through a hard time and it seemed like i was just sort of the last option, but i still did a favor for her anyway
even though she hurt me over and over again beyond measure, even though she took advantage of me, even though the more i shared everything i had with her, the more she only seemed to resent me and even though i tried to the point of exhausting myself to save her from her own life and herself only to be tossed out like hot wet garbage at the drop of a hat, i still helped her because that's the kind of person i am and that's a promise i make to everyone who passes through my life
unless you do something just...tremendously fucked up to me, i will never leave someone i once cared about (and still to some extent always will) out in the cold, not on purpose anyway
i try to always be incredibly clear about what i'm capable of doing even if it seems like i ought to be doing more or should just do x, y, z already!! there is always a reason why i do what i do and sometimes that reason is as simple as i was losing my fucking mind and wasn't thinking clearly but yet again....i try to the best of my ability to communicate that and i know that i wasn't always able to help B with every single thing, but just...my god there is truly nothing more miserable or draining than someone you love assigning you the role of their personal savior while they take all of your hard work and efforts to do so and just...gleefully throw them back in your face going, "haha, i fucked it up again, did you bring your mop?? you've got a biiiiiiiiig mess to clean up this time!!! teehee!! also, if you don't clean this up for me and shower me with praise and gifts the entire time you're doing it i'm just going to assume you don't love me and i get to replace you as soon as i find something better, okay byeeeeee!!!"
i just...i'm so fucking tired. i'm so, so, so goddamn tired
all my mom and i ever try to do is help the people we love and offer up as much as we possibly can, but it's just been a constant, life-long thing for both of us to get screwed over, talked shit about and/or ditched in the blink of an eye or when we need help the most all because ?????
and once again it's like.....if we're that bad of people that we deserve this then why can't everyone just leave us the fuck alone?
pack up your camper, take all your shit, take your stupid fucking projects that make it so i can't set foot outside my goddamn front door without having to strategize and just fucking LEAVE
i just want to mourn my dead loved ones in peace while i try to finally gather up enough energy to actually start taking care of myself and it's like i just can't get a fucking break from this constantly guilty feeling that either i'm not doing enough for everyone or that whatever i'm doing, i'm doing it in such a horrendous way that it's like, "yknow what? fuck these people, i'm taking them for a ride, babey!!"
i really don't mean to ever hold anyone to shit other people have done to us in the past, but after being backstabbed by so many people in your life (especially by family) it just...changes you
i've tried my hardest for it to not, to stay as gracious and as patient and as giving as i possibly can be, but at this point i'm just beyond exhausted and fed up
i've already internalized the idea that no matter how much i work on myself, no matter how much i try to communicate with others my every feeling that even i don't understand enough to articulate properly, no matter what i do clearly i'm doing something so wrong that this many people in my life have seen it fit to treat us like this and so in the past few years i've pretty much abandoned pursuing any sort of new connections or relationships or anything.
my therapist disagrees and actively encourages me to open my self up to new people and new experiences, but i just can't at this point. B once even told me that i would not be a good romantic partner for anyone because i'm just so....y'know, how i am and i agree
i would be a fucking nightmare of a partner so i've pulled back, i've stopped imagining it and now even when i can tell people are trying to be my friend or might be interested in me in any way i just...shut it down or give very little because i know i'm just going to fuck it up at some point or they'll meet my mom and i guess between the two of us we'll just...do whatever it is we do that makes people think we owe them the moon and all the stars in the sky and our failure to hand those over means we're secretly evil, hateful people or what the fuck ever
i dunno and i truly don't know what's going to happen with this situation, but i have a bad feeling we're once again going to have to be the bad guys because we'll have to say something at some point (likely whenever something gets broken, probably my dad's truck) and then they'll go out into the world and tell anyone who will listen about how horribly we've treated them and how wrong we did them by....oh right, yeah sure. okay.
i love the both of them, they've been good friends to us up until this point, but something somewhere must have happened and now we're here.
oh, and that's another thing i also just remembered, so one morning before work R was in my mom's office once again even though she'd told her multiple times she really needed that time to look over her stuff, but whatever, and R started getting all teary eyed and whatnot and when my mom asked her what was wrong she just...snapped at my mom and was like, "Well, don't you know what today is?!" and my mom said no and apparently it was the 3 month anniversary of my dad's passing
obviously that threw my mom through a loop (and right before work, too, thanks!!) but it was almost like...i dunno, R thinks she's mourning him better than we are or something? like how DARE we not realize it had been exactly 3 months since he died, where was our humanity?!
i also get the sense (and they obviously haven't come out and said this) but like...they kinda blame us for him dying?
and like i get it, when he did go downhill he started to go pretty fast and it took all of us by surprise, but like...i dunno. sometimes it feels like they think we did something wrong or that we pushed him into the grave. i know C one time had asked my mom if she should really be giving him as much medicine as she was (which was under what hospice had advised, btw and also once again my mom is a fucking medical provider and this is her husband) but like....yes, C, we're pretty fucking sure
i myself was taking care of him once while i was working and he kept taking his oxygen off and then panicking so that his face started turning blue and purple and the only thing that would settle him was a little bit of that medicine
we never gave him too much because my mom knows how he was with that kind of thing and didn't ever want to be too obtunded but like...the man was also dying and needed to be comfortable but like...no sure, you guys were here for all of, what, one fucking day and once again, my dad put on a performance for you because he didn't want anyone but me and my mom (and not even really me, honestly) to see him like that but yeah, man, you definitely know what he needed and whether or not we were taking proper care of him, get the fuck out of here
and that's just a whole other can of worms i don't even have it in me to get into but just....that's something with one of my mom's friends of acting like she's supposed to be like....happy now that he's dead???
and it's just so insanely cruel because i know from my own posts on here like....yes, he and i did not always see eye to eye. i was, in fact, right smack dab in the middle of unpacking and processing a lot of things at that time they honestly made me look at my parents a little differently because i felt like i had been let down in some ways but y'know what? that's my shit to sort out and likewise, they were going through a little rough patch there for a minute but that was also theirs to sort out
by the time he died we were all good. he and i even sat for a while (one of the last times he was fully coherent) and he asked me if there was anything we needed to settle or he needed to apologize to me for or anything and i decided then and there to just let it all go.
i'm 33 years old and i'm in therapy now, even if i wanted to sit here and list out all the ways my parents haven't always done right by me, it's ultimately my job at this point to sort that out for myself and figure out what the hell i'm going to do about it instead of just be pissed off at them and blame them for everything that ever goes wrong in my life
my mom has shown me here lately that she's at least trying and we're having better conversations than what we used to have and i'm sure if my dad were still alive we'd also be getting to that point and i can acknowledge that although there were obviously things they could have done better for me and my sister (and on my dad's side for his three sons) but i just don't have it in me anymore to sit around and wait for someone else to get their shit together before i decide to get mine together so regardless of all of that, i'm doing what i need to in order to take care of myself and she's doing the same, but nowhere on this fucking earth are either of us fucking happy that he's dead just because we didn't always see eye or eye on everything or because we sometimes let each other down
that is life, that is relationships
in a perfect world where no one had any kind of trauma or defense mechanisms or maladaptive coping skills, sure, we would always do right by one another and no one would ever cause anyone else any sort of pain whatsoever and we'd all eat a cake made out of rainbows and smiles but that's just not how shit actually plays out and of course it's important to strive to do better, but we were all trying our best, we just were also all breaking down in different ways at the exact same time and trying our best to hold it all together so yeah, sooooooooo sorry we didn't do everything the exact way everyone thinks we should, but suggesting that we don't care as much as people who couldn't be bothered to so much as come over to wash a load of dishes for us is such utter fucking bullshit and makes me so goddamn mad (mind you, too, this friend of my mom's also talks shit about her actual piece-of-shit husband all the time but i know if he dropped dead tomorrow she'd lose it if any of us suggested she was just "going through the motions" or "all she does is cry all the time" or that "maybe she should go on medication" like she's said about my mom)
it's not enough to lose someone you love and have it be this long, drawn out thing that just kills you more and more every fucking day, now you have to compete your grief with people who use my mom and i like some kind of magical well that somehow stays full even though they only toss a half full bottle of water into it every so often
i just....whatever
i'm sure i probably sound like a crazy, selfish monster who's just whining about having to share her toys but it feels like more than that to me and i'm just....really fucking sick and tired of it
i would so much rather if people would just be like, "hey, we think you're total pieces of shit, but you could help us out of this tough spot so, whaddya say?" and that'd be fine.
i would so much rather do favors where we're all clear about the terms and there's no expectancy on my part of having actual, genuine family and friends that care about us and will actually be there for us at our lowest than i would have people who just lovebomb us into placation every so often when they can sense we're about fed up and see how much shit they can get away with trampling all over us for, it's just...so fucking unnecessary
i don't lie, i actually really hate it when people lie to me because on a gut level i always know i just rarely ever say anything because i like to give people the kind of grace i hope to receive in return for my short-comings but like...my god, is it so not necessary to do that with me
i've had people tell me directly before, "hey, i don't want to be your friend anymore" and that's it, babey!! those are the magic words, say no more and i am out of your life for good!! but always with the stipulation that if you ever really get in a jam, if my replacement isn't all they're cracked up to be, if whatever happens goes wrong and you need someone, i will always be here
just don't fucking pretend to like me or my mom and then do this kind of shit. i really can't take any more of this kind of thing. i just want to heal and grow and try to build a life i actually want to live even if it takes me forever or never pans out
i at least want to try and it's incredibly difficult to do so with two people right now fully crammed up my ass who just....aren't helping us in the least and are actively making things harder for us
but oh well. i guess that's just life and we'll just deal with it however we have to even if it makes us the bad guys in the end. if that'll at least bring us some peace and quiet then i can live with it. god knows i'm already the bad guy in so many other people's stories and i'm fine with that, too. just leave me alone to be a awful, rotten bitch and if you're going to use me, use me directly instead of playing games. it's all i fucking ask.
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well today is turning out wonderful
#this is a complaining sort of post unfortunately#thirty four sonnets to read and analyse did you say?? noun declining exercises and the addition of adjectives in translation exercises too??#WHICH would be fine if i didn't also have a ton of family duties and unfinished tasks i need to complete before tomorrow#and this isn't counting the discussion group zoom meeting which is tonight WHICH I FORGOT ABOUT#i haven't done the readings yet because i saw a t in the email and read it as thursday and not tuesday. which was very clever of me#i'd been counting on those extra two days to spread out the readings....#(SIGH)#i also have to muster up an incredible amount of energy for that because it will be a lot of socialising and answering questions#and i always feel like i need to impress this particular group of people and i HATE that#i haven't the energy to articulate any thoughts at all! and#haven't the energy to try to look presentable#not to mention the recorded lecture and the two meals to prepare#and work to boot#i can probably finish the readings by tonight ? but i definitely will have to cut something else from the list. and i can't cut anything#i was counting on having the evening to finish takekurabe and start on lucinda :(
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The Warhammer and her soldier.
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Pairing: Miche Zacharias x Marley Reader (Warhammer Titan)
One word: ANGST.
It also has some gore.
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"The Warhammer titan is right in this room, Sir."
You seethed internally at those words. Unfortunately, there was nothing you could do. Willy was, after all, much more adept at playing politics. He was a born talker. His life was built upon his salesmanship. You were born in a privileged house, but Willy had undoubtedly brought prosperity and respect to your family. At present, you were both well in your thirties. But Willy had a family, and you didn't. The honourable man talking with your brother could easily guess the identity of the Warhammer if he racked his brain a little. It was you. You, without friends, without a husband or children. All because you were bound to your duty as a Tybur. With his eloquent words, he had managed to convince you to inherit the Warhammer titan nine years ago. Albeit against your will, you had gotten used to it. Fellow Eldians in Marley referred to you as the "Tybur Sister". You were the highly educated, beautiful, sophisticated maiden that people respected but barely knew.
You were a constant presence in the meetings, a witness to the discussions. However, Willy usually took care of everything to the point that your inputs were often deemed redundant. So you would observe the officials. After all, there was hardly anything else to do in a meeting.Today, some Paradisian gentlemen had come over to visit your brother. Now that they had discovered Marley’s dirty secret, your brother was hoping to avoid any violent confrontations. They were talking about politics with your brother. Well, Willy was only talking to the elderly man who ordered wine during tea hour. You could feel the boredom radiating off his guard, tired of their boss' jokes. The blond guard was only there for the food, just like you were for show.
"Sir?" You offered more tea as the soldier finished his cup.
"Yes." That was all he said, holding out his cup, which looked a little too small in his gigantic hands. No intonations of request or gratefulness. His behaviour irritated you. This man had no etiquette. He was resting his elbows on the table. He was eating loudly. His stubble needed shaving. Everything about him was pressing your buttons. You didn't sign up to deal with mannerless islanders when you agreed to take the Warhammer, but here you were, hosting a bunch of cavemen. At least that is what it seemed like in the beginning, but these people were smart as a whip. The oppression from your country had forced those islanders to innovate with the little resources they had.
But no matter how creative they were, you still couldn’t help wanting to get away from the discussion. It was such a mundane scene, especially with tons of files and documents strewn across the table. The mannerless, tone deaf guard was the only one that kept you distracted. By now, the two of you had reached an unspoken agreement. Every time he came close to finishing his snacks, he would glance at you and you’d bring him another serving. You wanted to see just how much he ate, after all, the man was huge. But before you both could finish your little game, Willy spoke up.
“Y/n, I would need some privacy with Mr. Pixis here. Would you please take care of Mr. Zacharius till then?”
“Yes, Willy. Follow me, please.” You gestured to him and left the room. You showed him around the grand mansion. He was the one to start speaking.
“So, I presume we are enemies.”
“If you have to talk, kindly choose a different, non-political topic, sir.” You responded, annoyed. Even after serving him that fine platter of food, he chose such an inappropriate topic.
“After your Beast titan crushed my legs, I don't think I am capable of your request.” He responded sternly.
“Excuse me?!”
He looked at you with raised eyebrows and tried to elaborate his point.
“Miss, you have no idea how painful -”
“Good sir, I am not requesting you to talk to me.” You seethed.
“Oh, I misunderstood. My apologies, I am not very competent with words.”
“Nor with your appearance.” You muttered to yourself, earning a smirk from the oaf.
“Maybe you could give me some tips. Also, I forgot to introduce myself. I am Miche Zacharius.” He responded with a smile, wanting to ease the tension.
"Alright. Let's begin with some etiquette lessons, it was a pain to see you holding a teacup like that."
"I hope you can meet Captain Levi then."
“Who’s that?” You asked.
“Just a grumpy, old man on our team. Miss, what do I call you?”
“Y/n Tybur.”
And that was all it took to ease your frustrations. As a Tybur, you grew up around significant people in the government. Miche was a breath of fresh air. With him, you were able to enjoy your surroundings without someone calling them insignificant. They were so beautiful. You had garments made of the finest silk, handed down to you by your mother; the purple orchid tree outside in full bloom; the exquisite bookshelf that housed your handwritten poetry; the ancient sewing machine that was your medium of escapism; the fireplace that kept you warm; and the lovely litter of your nephews and nieces - the only people in blissfully unaware of these grim circumstances. Everything around you was worth loving. It was a disgrace you had to hear words of deceit, malice and hatred for the most part of your life. But today was different because you had finally bonded with someone. You weren’t sure Willy would approve of your casual talk with this supposed enemy of your state, but you were just following his orders. Willy had asked you to take care of Miche, and you were doing exactly that.
Miche was not supposed to be your friend. But as time went by, you realized that he was an ordinary man tired of the war; a man forced to fight; to kill for the sake of his people back in Paradis. You both talked about so many unimportant things that day. Time had gone by fast and you didn’t realize when Willy was done speaking to Pixis. You almost felt bad when Pixis left with Miche, but to your delight, the pair returned the next week. And the week after that. The schedule was unchanged. Pixis would talk to your brother and leave Miche in your company. It was almost like two parents leaving their kids to play with each other. Every week, your connection deepened. Every week, you both laughed with each other. You taught him chess. You taught him how to dress and arrange flowers. He began bringing you gifts. You gave him handmade scented candles to take home. Every week, you both had something new to talk about. Every week, after you bid him goodbye, you would wonder about a ludicrous idea.
"Do you think we should lock people up?" You asked him one day.
Miche squinted in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"Like us, lock a Marleyan and Paradisian in a room for one hour every week."
Holding the same confused expression, he asked, "And what would that achieve?"
"Some peace, a semblance of understanding, or... friendship." The skepticism in his eyes indicated that you have broached an uncomfortable topic.
"No... I don't think so." He shook his head.
You couldn't think of any words to say. You had noticed his expression turning stern.
"I think it would be a bad idea." Miche emphasized.
"How so?"
"They would just end up like us, wouldn't they?" He said in a sad voice. It shocked you, but you couldn’t deny the reality.
"They would." You admitted.
"That's why it would be bad."
"Right."
It felt bad. You didn't want to hear the explanation of his inadequate answer because you knew it would ruin the sacred relation you both shared. If you squinted really hard, you could see that the little conversation had already burrowed a hole in your bond. The rest of your time went smoothly as he cleverly directed your attention away from that awkward snippet of interaction. Soon, it was time to go, but today your goodbyes had less enthusiasm. The pain you felt during those few minutes was still resounding in your heart. It was eating away at you, making you feel guilty about feeling hurt at a perfectly realistic comment. After all, you also wanted nothing more than some company to help you take your mind away from reality.
What else could you call it when two enemies talked about insignificant things every week? What else, other than "a complete waste of time"? But hearing it from him felt like daggers in your heart. He didn’t explicitly call the relation a “waste of time”, but that’s what you interpreted from it. Insecurity was a nasty devil. You felt like he didn't like you, or understand you. What you didn't comprehend was the pain he felt when he used those words to push you away. They were deliberate. He couldn't, under any circumstances, entertain the idea of making friends with a Marleyan. He did not have the liberty of placing his morals and desires above his duty towards the nation. He was a soldier, not a politician. He only followed orders from his superiors, he did not make the rules. So he pushed you away when he saw the opportunity, just like he had done with countless people in the past. He had been doing that ever since his first day in the survey corps. He did it with his parents, siblings, friends and a couple of women he fell in love with, one of them being you. He was just far too poor to afford the luxury of falling in love, so against all his desires, he deliberately pushed you away.
Miche was a hardened soldier, but he still had a warm heart. He had used crude words with you, but he had also made a promise. A vow to never forget about you or about the time you spent together. Alas! It was a little too late to make that declaration, but such grand gestures only come forward in face of adversities, during the final moments, don't they? During one meeting, Pixis jokingly revealed the news to you as you brought him a bottle of his regular wine.
“Ms. Tybur. You won’t have to worry about running out of this delicious wine after today.”
You gave him a weak smile before looking at Miche. As usual, you asked him to follow you out of the room. Neither of you spoke until you reached the library, your usual spot.
"We won't be meeting each other after this." Miche began the conversation with a heavy voice.
"Hmm."
"Did you know about this?" He asked.
"I did not. I wish I had known." You really did wish Willy had informed you earlier instead of finalizing the deal all of a sudden.
"You should have spoken to him." Miche's voice sounded desperate.
"What for?"
"For us." he answered in a low voice.
"Us? Are you a child or a 40 year old man?" You scoffed, trying to fight back the tears.
"I.... I am in love with you." He blurted out with a broken voice.
"I am glad."
"They don't plan..... on... on marrying you off, right?"
You laughed through the tears, letting them roll down your blushy cheek.
"No... I am a maiden till I die."
"Then I will always remember you."
For the first time in your life, you acted on your instinct. You gently wrapped your arms around his broad chest. His warm, calloused hand instinctively came to rest on your head. You didn't realize how touch starved you were until that moment. It was just an embrace, but the thought of someone walking in on you made you retract.
"I am sorry, locking doors is .."
"I know."
"I'll miss you..."
"In case this really is the last time we meet each other, can I get something to remember you?" His words were like honey. You wanted to hear more of them. You would forever remember those sweet words of praise, grief and even frustration. For a split second, you wondered how many of such beautiful words you would have heard had you lived a normal life. But the man speaking before you quickly brought you back to the present moment. He was gushing, pouring his heart out, crying for the tragedy that was his love story. He told you how the most he could ever give you was a promise to keep you in his heart. He begged you to do the same, to keep him in your memories. Perhaps, that interaction was the first step towards uniting the two nations, both oppressed in different ways. Perhaps, a decade later, Paradisians and Marleyans could unite. But now was not the time. So you bid him a bittersweet farewell with a heavy heart. You were glad to have experienced the sweetness of romance in your lonely life, and you made sure to tell him. All the repressed words and emotions raced to get out as you ran out of time. This time, you couldn't care less about saying the wrong thing. All you knew was that it needed to be said. But time waits for none, and your love was a victim of unfavourable circumstances. In the end, there were several things you couldn't tell him and it surprised you. You knew this man for a span of a few months and you already had so much to tell him. Perhaps that's what love felt like, at least in the initial phase. You, at the end of the day, did not have the luxury to experience love until it made you sick. You could never possibly understand how Willy had the audacity to argue with his wife. If you had a chance to build a future with Miche, you’d never act as ungrateful as your brother acted towards his wife.
A few days had passed since you had to seperate from Miche, and you had busied yourself with work. Occasionally, you'd steal a glance at your new pendant tucked into your blouse. Miche gave it to you before leaving. You were glad Willy was busy with work. He never told you about the conclusion of those meetings, but his demeanor had changed. Of course, his social charm was unfazed, but you knew it was fake. He would turn cold the moment he got away from the eyes of the officials and his supporters. The worst part of it all was his sudden mistreatment of Finne. She was your eldest niece, but still not old enough to understand her father's work. Unfortunately, Willy was pushing her to study old documents, as if his legacy was at stake. He didn't spare his wife either. You helped the two of them whenever you could, but even you couldn't match your brother's wits when it came to politics. You tried striking a conversation with Willy, desperate to understand the shift in his behaviour but he didn't give you a single answer, until one day.
It was on the night before his speech at the carnival, you knew something was awry when you heard your sister-in-law sobbing in the next room. The next day, Willy told you to use your Titan as and when you felt necessary. He had quite literally freed you from his control when he said that. You knew his speech could cause outrage, but you never anticipated that he would announce a war. You didn't anticipate that your world would come crashing down the very moment his speech ended. It all happened in a matter of seconds and you were stunned. One moment people were cheering, you felt the ground shaking and before you knew it, the Attack Titan had devoured your brother. You finally understood why Willy had liberated you from his order, but the damage was already done. You were supposed to transform when you felt the ground shaking, but your mind had gone blank. You couldn't even register your surroundings until the Attack titan had destroyed half of them. Finally, you took out your knife and slashed your hand. You had heard about Yeager's tenacious nature from the Marleyan army chief, so you decided to gamble your fate. Encasing yourself in the Hardening, you controlled your Titan like a puppet. It took a lot more energy from you, but the Marleyan army had trained you for endurance.
For most of the time, it was just you trying your best to fight the Attack titan. But then something caught your eye… Miche. He was ready to lead his soldiers into the fight. He was looking at your titan with utter contempt and determination. He wanted to kill you. If only he knew it was you controlling the Warhammer. During your time together, neither of you ever discussed your political alignments. You both knew that you were enemies, and you actively chose to ignore that elephant in the room. Deep down, you both knew that your first and only commitment was towards your nations, not each other. And so you decided to give that fight your everything. You felt a surge of anger pass through you when you saw a different group of Paradisian soldiers enter the battlefield. You knew they were his dear comrades, but this was a war, and there was no room for mercy. You came close to defeating the Attack titan several times. His fighting skills were still nowhere near the average Marleyan titan shifter. Had it not been for the other soldiers and their funny flying equipment, you would have killed this man a long time ago. You wondered why War Chief Zeke or Mr. Braun didn’t come to your rescue. You were fighting against a horde of soldiers and a titan all by yourself and you were running out of energy. Your titan became slower with time. Every time you got close to victory, someone would sweep in to save Yeager. What a brat!
You could have still crushed his nape had you not repeated Reiner’s mistake. You saw Eren’s clumsy way of fighting, and you underestimated him. You were finally able to corner him, but you asked him to say his last words instead of crushing him on the spot. Your overconfidence gave him enough time to think and spot your location. He detached you from your puppet and pulled you out of the earth, shocking everyone around him. You knew you needed rescuing now that he had captured you. Those devils would take you to their wretched island if Eren Yeager failed to devour you. You thought you were done for when the Jaw titan finally came to help you out, but he entered the fight with the worst approach possible. He jumped in without a second thought and one island devil took complete advantage of it. She chopped his legs off. Everything happened in a flash after that. Porco’s limbs were ripped off, and you were at Yeager’s mercy with no way out. You just wanted it all to end. You were so traumatized that you didn’t see Miche staring at you. His blue orbs were filled with sadness, and he was the only one that wasn’t fighting. He just kept looking at you, clutching to the brooch in his pocket. You only caught a glimpse of him when Eren used you to block himself from Porco’s claws. But that was it, because the next thing Eren did was abuse both you and Porco. You could have never predicted his next move. He thrust you inside the Jaw’s mouth to break your Hardening.
Miche wanted to turn around, he felt sick to his stomach. The pain you felt was excruciating. You knew Porco was begging you to do something, but there was no way you could. Every part of your body was being pushed inward and there was nothing you could do other than stare at the disgusting, open mouth of the Attack titan beneath you. Just when you assumed that the pain couldn’t get worse, you felt several jolts go through your body. Your Hardening had begun to crack. Miche looked at you with the same, shocked expression he had during his first encounter with the Beast titan. His eyes welled up when he heard another loud crack and before his tears could fall, your cocoon got crushed with a loud snap. That was it, you were gone. Your blood splattered across the Titan Shifters’ faces. Miche turned his back to the gruesome scene of murder to gather himself. A soldier couldn’t lose his composure during a war, but there was little he could do when his body refused to cooperate.
Eren’s mission was a success and everyone was celebrating on the way back home. Except for Miche. He hid himself in the room closest to the engine. It was secluded and the white noise helped drown the distracting cheers. He took out your brooch with trembling hands and just stared at it. It was an ornament with intricate details carved with utmost precision. The border was decorated with rubies, emeralds and sapphires. After having stared at the ornament for several minutes, Miche spotted a faint etching of a hammer. The same kind of hammer you were going to execute Yeager with. It was carefully hidden behind the dense floral motifs. Miche didn’t know how he was supposed to feel. Shameful? Because he didn’t spot it earlier and failed to help out his comrades. Idiotic? Because maybe you were trying to tell him something? Maybe he could have saved your life? Loved? Because you trusted him enough to reveal your identity? Or did you think he was so dense that he’d never be able to look through the details? Did you mean to embarrass him? Was he even supposed to feel anything if everything was over? Was his observation even significant? After all, Miche already knew that the Warhammer was from your family. He just didn't rack his brain enough to realize it was you.
"What is the meaning of this, Y/n?" He asked the iron wall before him, expecting some kind of ghost to appear before him. But nothing did. He had heard somewhere that Titan shifters never really died in the true sense. People believed that they simply stayed trapped inside whoever devoured them. Dead or not, it was clear that Miche had lost you. But you were never his to begin with. You did not belong to him; you belong to the state of Marley. All he could do now was stay true to his promise of keeping you in his memories.
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I hope y'all enjoyed it 💕.
Tags: @gurlbye-1
#attack on titan#snk#aot anime#shingeki no kyojin#aot#miche zacharias#mike zacharias#aot fanfiction#aot miche#willy tybur#aot tybur#aot x y/n#snk season 4#miche x reader#miche aot#snk miche#miche zacharius x reader#miche zacharius x you#miche x you#aot marley#warhammer#aot warriors#aot Warhammer Titan
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Things that made watching Transformers (2007) easier and even enjoyable:
[note: B'verse gets the treatment that it gets by fandom for good reasons. There are tons of posts that dissect the bullshit of these movies far better than my second-language-english-non-american self could ever tackle, so I am not doing that, or plan on doing that. But if I decide that I'll get through every continuity of the franchise I will find a way to make it fun for myself. And so, this is my search for golden nuggets in these movies, because they did bring in new fans to the franchise and that's why we have other continuities that we might not have otherwise. Credit where it's due, and some positivity for those that did find B'verse at least amusing if nothing else. ]
🍴🥄🔪🍴🥄🔪🍴🥄🔪🍴🥄🔪🥄🔪🍴🥄🔪
Frenzy
Anytime Frenzy was on screen made me smile because his movements and personality were hilarious, he is just so expressive despite looking like someone super glued a bunch of knifes together. I wouldn't know it was Frenzy if I didn't go to the Wiki, but no matter that, he was funny and that's what matters.
The original Cybertronian robot modes
We don't see them for long, but the glimpses were glorious. Just look at Optimus
Gorgeous. What I wouldn't give to see the details up close. Maybe I'll go looking eventually, but this is just so nice.
We also get a "sexily rises from the pool" scene with Ironhide (probably unintentional and I am biased due to being a robofucker. In any case, very very nice and Cybertronians look so good as aliens)
"Excuse me, are you the Tooth Fairy?"
You see this kid?
This little girl was the only human I cared about in the movie until I saw just how badass Mikaela is, and how cool the military dude is. I don't like kids, but I would lay down my life for this girl.
This one scene just makes me think of what would happen if her parents showed up way earlier. Ironhide would be her guardian and it would be both adorable and hilarious because "Honey, you have to drive in a sentient alien that looks just like our car because the goverment men said so or there will be consequences and potential alien threats."
There are so many joke potentials there; the cultural barrier, the "I am the ine that is supposed to keep her safe" glaring contests, there is just so much shenanigans that could happen.
Also, tea party with the kid. Tea party with the kid.
Sam Witwicky actually reacts like an average human would when faced with the situations he finds himself in
Do I like Sam Witwicky? No, he is the kind of character that I would want to punch irl because of his personality and actions. He is disgusting. But watching him scamper and scream and stutter when faced with giant metal robot aliens that can squish him like a bug? Good, that was a beliavable reaction and I enjoyed it a great deal.
Megatron. Just, ✨Megatron✨
(the best screenshot of the few I could take while watching, no, I am not going back for a better one, he looks perfect like this)
I also laughted at how they kept him frozen like a popsicle. And not even well, like, they COULD'VE made an actual freezer and pop him in instead of using those couple of tubes just so he was displayed for all personell to gawk at. HE CRASHED IN THE ANTARCTIC!
The design looks so good, because it looks ALIEN and POINTY and AGH!!! The colors? There are no colors that would make him stand out, he looks like someone opened a cutlery drawer, mixed up what's inside, threw in some extra knifes for a good measure and then shook the whole thing until this guy materialized from the pile. It is both incredibly annoying and satisfying.
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Mr. Welker did an amazing job with his voice, I don't know what the directions were, but oh man it sure sent shivers down my spine. That is the kind of voice that spells "You are going to die" and I already have my coffin picked out.
EDIT: SO APPARENTLY! IT WAS NOT WELKER THAT VOICED MEGATRON.
It was Hugo Weaving, and yes the man did am amazing job, but I apologize a million times, I was CERTAIN that THE OG VA OF MEGATRON WOULD ALSO HAVE VOICED MEGATRON. LIKE, OKAY BAY, OKAY!
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LOOK AT THE AMOUNT OF ICE! With how quick he came back fully online once Frenzy turned off the freeze liquid tubes, I bet he was half awake through the whole thing. Systems just below idling or something, in any case, AGENTS YOU ARE SO DUMB! WHO WAS GIVING SUBPAR FUNDING TO THEM, THEY BETTER BE FIRED!
I also was glad that Sam refused to call him by the name the sector asigned to him, despite Megatron being in stasis. And that he insisted they use the correct name. Good job Sam, acknowledge the threat by the actual name and show respect to a fellow sentient lifeform. Even though said lifeform is hellbent on destruction of the universe and your world.
ALSO, AND I CANNOT STRESS THE LAUGHTER AND AMUSEMENT HERE; the sheer DISRESPECT! They don't disassemble Megatron's corpse. No, these idiots, these absolute morons decide to dump him into the ocean, letting him sink to the lowest possible point (not sure if they did say it was the M' Trench or not), where there are proper freezing temperatures - good! You're learning, good job!! - just... In full. Full corpse. What's left of him. Just blup! Down with the fishies he goes!
I understand that they probably didn't know how to approach Optimus about it, but... At least behead the guy. He came back ONCE, who is to say he won't come back again?! Safety precautions my dears.
They also completely disregard what a giant extraterrestrial metal alien rusting away on the bottom of the ocean could do to the ecosystem at large. Like, I find this incredibly amusing, because this ISN'T something most folks think about when watching a movie but we have giant squids down there. We have so much weird things down there, the ocean isn't even fully explored AND YOU WANT TO CHUCK AN ALIEN CORPSE DOWN THERE?!
Now the real question: is he a looker? *looks at the pictures* hmmmm, depends on if you like knifes. Like, really like knifes. Like really, really REALLY want to get it on with a fine assembly of kitchen knifes that were exposed to the elements but somehow haven't rusted away completely.
I think he's neat.
Needs a good long powerwash though. Preferrably with something to help the whole "I was frozen for more than 50 years and sprang back to action as soon as I woke up" thing that happened.
My man needs to take a moment and get his bearings, like dude. Please. You can conquer the world after some energon and slow system boot-up period. The strain on the systems my dude, you ain't young.
Also love that this "death" was probably reused in TFP because lord golly, do we love our faves ending up under the sea. (Though Megan took a much bigger fall, Bayverse WAS PLOPPED INTO THE WATER LIKE A NEWLY ACQUIRED FISH I CAN'T YOU GUYS I CAN'T!)
In short: I love the comedy of american military giving such disrespect to an Alien Warlord. These guys are really sealing their fate.
I loved the way they got the Witwicky family to be important to the plot
The whole "selling my great great grandpa's glasses on e-bay" thing gives us a very good self insert/OC/rewrite/movie AU potential. Don't like Sam and his disgustingness? Find a way to write a cousin or some far off relative or hell, even just someone who buys the glasses off e-bay and go wild with it!
Archibald was also clearly an inspiration for Isaac Sumdac as far as I can tell, what with both of them using Megatron as a means of helping technology advance.
Only difference being one of them lived and actually talked to Megatron after he came back online and the other got driven to madness and death due to the amount of information beamed into his brain. Isaac also acquired a space baby daughter, so the guy is absolutely luckier of the two.
Mikaela being fucking competent and badass throughout the movie, and not being just fanservice eyecandy
I could do without the fanservice, but her personality? I loved it. I loved that she wasn't crawling to Sam and wasn't being "hard to get". Which is also why I was very displeased at the very sudden "oh yeah, romance! She returns his feelings after he took her for a ride and let her vent her frustrations!". The movie is 2 hours long and they could throw in some moments where these two connect?
Welp, it is an action movie, boy gets girl no matter what, can't complain about the staple in the genre.
However, Mikaela x Optimus? Now THAT is something I considered as soon as the two locked eyes and interacted. Like, even taking my shipping goggles off, these two could have a very interesting dynamic and Mikaela could be a very good protagonist. I wonder what the movie would be like with her as the lead and Sam being the fucking moron she has to drag along with her.
BUT ALSO! Can we talk about the horrible, excruciating fact that her and Bumblebee drove around with Bee's damaged legs dragging over asphalt all the time he was shooting at 'Cons? There were sparks flying! SHE WAS DRIVING BACKWARDS! She took command of the situation and did what she could because Bee still wanted TO FIGHT!
Also, they way she beat up Frenzy? Gorgeous, I want to slap Sam's non-existent balls off for not atleast saying "thanks". The dude would be sliced thinner than cabbage if she wasn't there.
The millitary man we are supposed to care about because his wife gave birth while he was on duty and we see his baby three times in the whole movie, actually being a pretty awesome and well-written character
Look, personally, I was a little confused at the reason why we were seeing his wife and baby interacting/the scene where she thinks her husband is dead. Mostly because I don't like kids, so scenes like that, when I don't even know who the character is, have no impact at all. Him having a baby isn't going to make me like the guy more, unless I know his character. Him being absent because he's on duty doesn't mean he'll be a good dad (though he looks like the kind of man that will try his best, and I like that in a man). So seeing his wife and kid at the start of the movie seemed pointless to me.
BUT! FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVES HERE!
Lennox is a good character and whenever he was on screen I was invested in what is going to happen to him. He's the kind of action movie lead that would have me invested, despite my meh interest in mainly gun fight oriented action movies.
Essentially, loved the guy, would love to see more of him while also being able to tell what's happening on screen. Also the comedy scenes he was in were usually funny.
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Okay so these are the things I like about the first movie! It was very long, had to watch it on 2,5x speed because it simultainously dragged while ALSO giving me too much information, but the moments like these and the way my imagination latched onto characters I liked made it watchable. It isn't a movie I'd use to introduce someone to the TF franchise, but it provided me with lots of material for my imagination to run wild.
#moca watches#transformers#transformers bayverse#moca screeches#Yes the cutlery divider is due to the Decepticons looking like they do. It amuses me greatly.
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