#WHERE ARE MY GIANT SLOTHS GOOGLE

[skyeoak]

Fantasy readers really ask “why can’t dragons be real” like homo sapiens DIDN’T kill off the majority of the world’s megafauna

(It’s me I’m fantasy readers)

[cherrydbear]

I feel bad after calling out all the straw hats in this post for their sins so now I'll praise their virtues. According to my brief googling, the corresponding virtues to pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth are humility, charity, chastity, gratitude, temperance, patience, and diligence, respectively, so that's what I'll use here.

Luffy - diligence

Pretty much the entire story happens because Luffy is really determined to become king of the pirates. All of his allies (first, and notably, Koby) were won over and inspired by his perseverance. Almost all of his struggles are overcome by sheer force of will. This is extremely apparent during Alabasta, when he gets thoroughly schooled by Crocodile twice and still goes back for more even while critically injured. I assigned the sin of sloth to Zoro, which makes Luffy his counterbalance. This tracks because Luffy brought Zoro onto a more direct path towards his dream of becoming the world's greatest swordsman, and motivated him to train even harder and take down stronger foes. Sloth mainly applied to Zoro's personal relationships, as he was content to work alone and didn't put much of an effort toward forming and maintaining friendships, but Luffy becomes a person that he'd do anything for.

Sanji - temperance

Sanji counters Luffy's gluttony by rationing the food so it lasts the whole journey and guarding it from Luffy's voracious appetite. Sanji never wastes a scrap of food, and makes sure everyone has enough to eat without tolerating overindulgence to the point that it would endanger the rest of the crew. He understands the importance of moderation. When they're discussing splitting the money, his requests are reasonable and mostly for the benefit of the whole crew, as compared to Luffy, who wants a giant statue. Sanji is a voice of reason that's critical for keeping Luffy's impulses in check.

Zoro - chastity

The opposite of Sanji's lust, Zoro's backstory and motivation is based on respect for a woman as a rival and fellow swordsman. At least up to where I've seen (partly into Water 7), he's never had heart eyes or nosebleeds or any remotely pervy reaction. He's usually the first one to call Sanji out when he crosses a line with Nami. He treats Nami and Robin as equals, and their gender doesn't seem to make much difference to him. Physical appearance doesn't sway Zoro's opinion of people; he judges them by their actions. He's generally unaffected by all desires of the flesh; he accepts pain, hunger, cold and heat with minimal complaint.

(Interesting to note that this makes Luffy, Sanji, and Zoro a self-balancing trio. There's something to be said about triangles being the strongest shape and the idea of the id, ego, and superego in a triumvirate but that's more than we have room to get into here.)

Usopp - charity

Since his introduction, Usopp has always offered freely what he has to give - stories and laughter. He gave the Usopp Pirates a sense of belonging and adventure, and he gave the joy of life back to Kaya. He offers his creativity and inventions to the crew; notably, designing their flag and creating a weapon for Nami. His distress and insecurity mainly stems from the feeling that he doesn't have anything worthy to give. He worries that he's more of a burden than a boon to the straw hats, and this ultimately leads to his decision to leave. This makes Usopp the counterpart to Nami's greed. When he was distraught about losing the money, she realized she cared more about him than the treasure.

Chopper - humility

Chopper's always so bashful when flattered. He never boasts, only fulfills his duty as a doctor as best as he can and is always eager to learn more. He deeply admires his teachers, and doesn't seek glory for himself. In G-8, he coaches Dr. Kobato through the surgeries so she can be prepared to handle them on her own in the future. Chopper cares only about saving lives and keeping people healthy. His pride is all in his friends and crew, and he's modest about his own ablities. Chopper also serves as an outlet for Usopp's pride (the corresponding sin to humility) by being the only one who actually believes his tall tales, which I think sometimes makes Usopp feel guilty and think twice about taking advantage of his gullibility.

Nami - gratitude

Nami's childhood with Belle-mère taught her to be grateful for what she has. She worked for Arlong for years to pay back the village for taking care of her. She's the first of the straw hats to show gratitude to Luffy for turning her life around. Despite her hot temper, she makes sure her friends know she cares about them and is thankful to have them around. She never wants someone she loves to die thinking she doesn't appreciate them, like she worried Belle-mère almost did. The opposite of envy, she's secure in herself, but doesn't take anything for granted. She's confident in her skills, and accepting of her weaknesses.

(This makes Usopp, Chopper, and Nami another balanced trio.)

Robin - patience

Robin is the counter to her own wrath. She's had to be self-sufficient almost her whole life, and hasn't had any friends (presumably, I still haven't seen much of her backstory) until the straw hats to help regulate or balance out her flaws. In order to stay safe, she's had to make up for her wrath by having patience in spades. Robin is always cool and collected, and watches and considers before acting. She doesn't lose her temper or start fights needlessly. She keeps her impulses in check and tries to work based on logic, not emotion.

Handy dandy extremely low quality flowchart I made in two minutes in the notes app showing the interactions of the sins and virtues I've assigned:

[tcrybbzntprty]

Elias Danuser (I am not an artist- I drew this today)

My notes say he is Swedish(?), of what is considered “First Class” in social hierarchy (not related to his… nationality) and I’m guessing the intention of his original character was that he’s either mixed or adopted- like Zendaya. I may not have been in my right mind when writing his profile;

- Young adult

- owns a giant sentient Sloth named Matteo

- wears a monocle on his right eye (where the double eyebrow slit is) and uses it as a built in Google.

- likes spicy food

I’ll incorporate a : link

The chapter is “Fa & his friends: before the math”

[bluestar22x]

So happy you enjoyed it.

Oh Maned Wolves are pretty cool! Always thought they looked like a fox on horse legs [very long legs].

I love Thylacines! Thinking about them makes me hate humanity. People have hunted so many beautiful animals into extinction, including animals around where I live/Eastern US. We used to have a Caribou species but they were hunted to extinction. They were a separate species from the Western/Alaskan kind. I feel robbed.

I had to Google Xenosmilus. I do not know any of the specific names for those cats that fall under the "saber tooth cats" category. But saber tooth cats are a classic for a reason.

I'm the same with Ice Age/prehistoric mammals as you are with dinos. I love them, but I haven't really read up on them a ton. I know the basics - the mammoths, mastodons, ground sloths, cave bears, and saber tooth cats. And I know there were a lot of giant versions of animals today (cattle, camels, snakes, etc.) but not a lot of specifics.

I play the Jurassic Evolution games, seen the Jurassic movies, and have learned a lot about dinosaurs directly and indirectly (from fans of Jurassic Park/World) because of those. But I am also far from an expert on those. I'm always hearing about a "well known" dinosaur in the dino community and I'm like "why is this the first time I hear of it?"

Zoo Tycoon and Jurassic Park were my greatest allies in learning about new species growing up. They'd show me new species and I'd go to Wikipedia to learn more cause I was curious.

For your celebration 💛 I'm pretty proud of how the 1st chapter of my fic "The Fallen Warrior" turned out. I've definitely got a thing for media versions of angels so it was really fun to combine 2 loves together in this and really test my writing skills by trying to be "fancier" about it: https://bluestar22x.tumblr.com/post/759298221044563968/the-fallen-warrior-masterlist

Also 🩷 if I may? What's your favorite animal? Bonus if you have an extinct animal too. Mine's always been horses (alongside dogs) and my favorite extinct animal is Brachiosaurus (sauropods in general). Shout out to those girlies who love dinosaurs as much or maybe even more than I do. Dinos are not just for boys. Ellie agrees.

i just devoured that prologue omg, it was phenomenal, love

my favorite animal (contrary to what people think lol) is the maned wolf! they're so pretty and ethereal, there's something other about that that i love so much. i do have a favorite extinct animal as well, or two actually. the thylacine and the xenosmilus! i love dinos but i'll be the first to admit my knowledge on them is pretty thin lol

milestone celebration

[melonthesprigatito]

A Really Long List of Headcanons About Rhyme's Home Planet and Her Early Childhood Before She Got Stranded on Earth

Content warning: A whooooole lotta death (this planet is not a fun place to live on) implied child neglect (Rhyme's parents are huge dicks) and interplanetary conflict. Also I kinda have this headcanon that Planet Lexicon isn't as squeaky clean heroic as Word Girl thinks they are, so already I've potentially pissed off a good portion of the fandom.

General Headcanons

First things first: the name of Rhyme's planet. Planet Cryogon is located in the Literatura Galaxy with Lexicon and Hexagon. It's name comes from "Cryo" which is a prefix that indicates low temperatures, ice and frost (cryogenic, cryokinesis ect) combined with the same "-on" suffix that Lexicon and Hexagon has. Miss Power's planet also almost ends with an "-on" suffix, but we'll get to that later.

Taking a page out of Jack Ferraiolo's other famous cartoon Amphibia, (did you know that this guy wrote for Word Girl AND Amphibia? Totally blew my mind when I found out) Cryogon is abso-f*cking-lutely a death world. Frequent snow storms and avalanches. The surface temperature of Cryogon averages to around -100°C so plant life is basically non existent. Everything gets their nutrients from eating other smaller things, and the more opportunistic or omnivorous creatures are able to eat the snow off the ground if they have to, since the snow on Cryogon is uniquely mineral filled. 

The wildlife on Cryogon is basically Ice Age wildlife, but on steroids. So you got giant armoured mammoths, dire wolves and dire polar bears, terror birds, sabre tooth tigers that can bite through rocks, Megaloceros deer that are actually strong enough to hold up their antlers, giant sloths with razor sharp claws, Kairuku penguins with beaks that can impale you (basically an extinct giant penguin species, Google it, I love them) even small innocent things like mice have scorpion tails. 

Because anything and everything on Cryogon can and will kill you, the locals are pretty desensitised to death. They'd still be sad if someone close to them died, but they'd be a lot more accepting of it. Cryogonians actually celebrate Deathdays on the anniversary of the day that someone died. They throw a party celebrating their life as a way of keeping their memory alive. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Birthdays are a solemn occasion where they reflect on how thankful they are to have survived another year.

There's a pretty popular headcanon that Word Girl, and by extension, Lexiconians in general are basically the apex predators of their side of the galaxy and thus have predatory instincts and adaptations. Well, I say, why don't I take this headcanon and push it somewhere else? I saw this fan art drawn by @mechidraws depicting Rhyme with sharp arctic fox teeth, so I just took that concept and freaking ran with it. 

Cryogonians are basically a predatory pack hunting alien race. Kind of like if you crossed wolves/lions with a sports team. All of their superpowers are special adaptations to survive on such a hostile world. The whole "vibrate before activating super speed" is a natural disorientation/camouflage tactic. (It probably would be a good idea to make yourself blurry if you're trying to hide while in a snowstorm) Their hair colours, ranging from white, to grey, to blue are good for camouflage in the snow and ice. Super strength is for landing blows on tougher prey to break through their armour and freeze breath is for shaping the environment to set traps/create hiding spots or shelter. Rhyme unknowingly uses this skill when she uses her frost breath to create giant ice ramps so she can "fly" by using the momentum of running off of them at high speeds.

A typical Cryogonian hunt usually goes like this. Their hunting party is split into several Chasers and several Strikers. The Chasers will run after their prey with their super speed and will manipulate the path ahead with their frost breath to lure their target into an ambush. The Strikers will then lunge at the target and strike at them with spears or good old fisticuffs and will try to wear them down.

When all else fails, Cryogonians will use their sharp teeth and will go for the throat. After all, you can drop your weapon, but you can't drop your chompers. They absolutely cannot afford to let prey get away or else their families will starve.

Yet despite having freaking superpowers, Cryogonians are still on the middle end of the food chain. They fill in a similar ecological niche as wolves. Yes, they can be scarily effective at hunting, but something bigger and stronger could easily body them, especially if they're caught alone. Safety in numbers is THE biggest life lesson you can learn on Cryogon.

Similar to Lexiconians and their knowledge of language, and Hexagonians with their knowledge of mathematics, Cryogonians area of expertise is physical geography, namely meteorology (the weather), seismology (earthquakes) and glaciology (study of ice in the environment) It's best to know everything about the world around you and all of its dangers if you want to stay alive, after all.

Settlements on Cryogon are basically huge cities carved from ice (well, they have an abundance of it, so might as well use it), surrounded by a gigantic wall of ice with razor sharp icicles on the outside to keep dangerous creatures out. In case you were thinking "This sounds like Attack on Titan?" I was more inspired by the wall with the sharpened logs surrounding the village in Kong: Skull Island. Cryogonians are master ice carvers and can create huge constructs with their frost breath.

Every single person's name on Cryogon is snow/ice related in some way. Rhyme's birth name is Crysta (as in, snow crystal).

Unfortunately, Cryogonians are looked down upon and seen as inferior to Lexiconians. Lexiconians think that language is far superior to geography because geography is a useless subject compared with language and literature (as I've been told by my teachers 👀) and they're also very freaked out by the fact that "Cryogonians hunt and kill their own food instead of farming or owning livestock, you know like civilised people", as a snobby Lexiconian aristocrat would so very rudely put it. Cryogonians think that Lexiconians are a bunch of stuck up nerdy pansies. "They live on a warmer planet! They don't have to work as hard to survive! They would be dead in one day if they had to live here!" as a grumpy Cryogonian hunter just trying to provide for his family would so very bluntly put it. Basically we got an Athens Vs Sparta situation going on between Lexicon and Cryogon.

Rhyme is actually half Lexiconian, half Cryogonian so she has traits from both species. On her father's side, she got Cryogonian cold resistance, pale blue hair, and her superpowers. On her mother's side she got Lexiconian omnivorism (with normal, boring human-like teeth to match) and can survive in warmer temperatures than most other Cryogonians. 

One time during the winter, the heating broke at a Villains Society meet up, so everyone showed up bundled up in several layers of clothing, thick winter clothes, hats, ear muffs, scarves and gloves etc because it was FREEZING, but Rhyme showed up in her ordinary outfit (no sleeve jacket, skirt) showing no signs of being uncomfortable and everyone was like "HOW ARE YOU NOT COLD?!" Reason, while not being biologically cold resistant, spent so much time around Rhyme and her ice powers that all he really needs to do is put on a jacket and he's fine.

On the other hand, Rhyme doesn't do well in hot weather. She gets extremely sluggish and tired when it's too sunny and her frost breath actually melts instantly when she tries to use it, so she's left with a pitiful water gun attack instead.  The Butcher opened his door one day to see a panicked Reason with Rhyme slung over his shoulders, asking if he had a meat freezer he could throw her in. But at least she can actually set foot on Earth without having to wear a special suit to stop her from dying from overheating.

Lexonite has a... unique effect on Rhyme. She accidentally got exposed to some on a heist with Mr Big and Leslie and it made her superpowers 10 times stronger instead of removing them. Leslie theorises that it's because the Lexonite cancelled out her Lexiconian side, her Cryogonian side expanded to fill in the missing space. Rhyme asked how the hell does that work and Leslie just shrugged and said "I don't know, plot convenience?" The Narrator said "We live in a world where people can get superpowers from being struck by lightning from a question mark shaped cloud and fusing with a photocopier. You really want to question the logic of this show?" And Rhyme is like "Yeah, that makes sense."

Rhyme adores penguins purely because they are smaller, cuddlier, and non lethal versions of the Kairukus from Cryogon.

Reason had no idea that Rhyme's species is predatory until an incident when they got locked in a dungeon and left for dead by the evil Dr Murderdeath in one of the 28 cities they've been through. They were close to starving to death when a rat suddenly ran into their cell. Reason notices that all of a sudden, Rhyme has a feral look in her eye and her survival/predatory instincts kicked in and... yeaaaah. On the bright side, Rhyme's extremely sudden savage outburst scared the crap out of the guard, who dropped the remote controlling the power nullifier that was around her neck, which disabled it so Rhyme was able to bust them out and escape. Cue Rhyme giving Reason a well rehearsed explanation of what the fuck just happened (implying that she kinda expected this to happen at some point) followed by a LOT of reassurances that the only reason she lost control of herself was that they were about to die, which will probably never happen again SO DON'T PANIC.

Reason just has to live with the knowledge that his bestie can go feral in a life or death situation. He is surprisingly chill about it, much to Rhyme's relief because her worst fear is Reason being scared of her. Reason wonders if she has ever hunted anything on Earth but Rhyme's like "What no, I don't need to. If I'm hungry I can just get a Mc Donald's or go to the grocery store or something."

Cryogonians get the zoomies. It is a fun past time for them, made even better with super speed and ice ramps. Sometimes in the middle of a crime Rhyme suddenly goes "If I don't run back and forth right this second I will Literally Die ™ and then you would cry." Reason's like "Ok. Just get it out quick before Word Girl shows up."

Cryogon's relationship with other planets

There's a bit of political history between Lexicon, Cryogon and Izgone, (aka Miss Power's planet!) Basically, Izgone is located closest to the sun in the Literatura Galaxy, while Cryogon is the farthest away. Lexicon is in the middle. The temperature on Izgone is boiling hot, perfect for lizard people like Miss Power's people. Basically if an Izgonian set foot on Cryogon they would instantly freeze to death due to their cold blooded-ness. If a Cryogonian set foot on Izgone, they'd burst into flames/melt. But the extreme temperature difference didn't stop Cryogon from trying to offer shelter to the surviving Izgonians when "The Incident No One Shall Talk About" happened.

Izgone was nicknamed The Hostile Planet for a good reason. To generate enough negative emotions to feed the populace, the Izgonians basically trashed other planets and fed on the misery that they caused. Lexicon, fearing that they would be next, developed a planet destroying superweapon to fend off the Izgonians, should they attack. They never actually planned to use the weapon, mind you. That would break so many intergalactic laws and permanently destroy Lexicon's reputation as the ultimate good guys. Except some poor sucker sitting at the control panel accidentally set his coffee mug on the "Press here to blow up Izgone" button.

So Izgone is gone. Basically all life got scorched with this one giant solar ray, and the only survivors are the tens of thousands of people who were in caves at the time. Of course, Lexicon's officials were like "FUCK FUCK FUCK" and immediately created this cover up story. "Well, Izgone got obliterated because all of their supervolcanoes blew up at once! What a terrible tragedy!"

Meanwhile, the Cryogonian officials, you know, the geography experts, were like "Uh, hold up. That's not how supervolcanoes work? They can't just all go kaboom at once? The chance of that happening is so monumentally slim that it might as well be impossible! Also, how come you found out the reason why the planet got scorched so quickly? That's kind of suspicious?"

So Lexicon basically silences Cryogon to stop them from telling the rest of the galaxy that they accidentally blew up a planet. They quietly conquer Cryogon, telling the rest of the galaxy that they're just partnering with Cryogon so that we can exchange knowledge and promote better learning! Nothing suspicious going on here, nope! Cryogonians are not allowed to leave their own planet anymore without a Lexiconian escort. They try to offer refuge to the Izgonian survivors, but Lexicon forbids them from doing so.

The surviving Izgonians decided to form a truce with Cryogon and vowed never to attack them as thanks for Cryogon's attempts to expose the truth about what really happened to their planet. As for Lexicon, however, the young princess of Izgone who was only a child at the time, swore vengeance against Lexicon and spent the next 3-4 decades flying across the galaxy and conquering planets in an attempt to find a new and better home for her people. She later lands on Earth and attempts to manipulate Earth's sole Lexiconian into joining her so they can conquer Earth together, but has to retreat when the Lexiconian becomes immune to her insults. Yeah, take a guess who the Princess (now Queen) of Izgone is.

Speaking of Miss Power, because of the whole Izgone/Cryogon truce, Miss Power kinda doesn't want to go against the wishes of her people, so she when she meets Rhyme for the first time she's like "Aw shit, she's Cryogonian, I can't attack her. >:(" Too bad Miss Power attacked Reason first, so Rhyme goes completely apeshit and beats the ever loving crap out of her for daring to harm her best friend.

Rhyme, of course has no idea who this random, really mean superhero lady is so she doesn’t realise just how shocking it is that she managed to defeat her. And because Rhyme is under the assumption that Miss Power is just some random superhero, she doesn’t think that the incident is important enough to mention. Weeks later, at a Villain’s Society meeting, the topic of conversation is about who came closest to defeating Word Girl and Rhyme just casually says “This isn’t about Word Girl, but actually, a while back I absolutely destroyed this half lizard lady who wasn’t really nice. She hurt Reason, so I froze her under 50 layers of ice!” Cue the record scratch moment and all conversations coming to a screeching halt as everyone stares at Rhyme because she just admitted to kicking Miss Power’s ass like it was nothing.

Rhyme's Early Childhood (it's sad :( )

Following "The Incident No One Shall Talk About", now there's a Lexiconian colony on Cryogon. This is basically where Rhyme's life begins. Her father, a Cryogonian, married her mother, a Lexiconian in order to get ahead in life.  When Rhyme was born, her parents were hoping father was hoping that they could forget about Rhyme's Cryogonian heritage and raise her as a super smart, Lexiconian daughter. 

This caused a lot of conflict between Rhyme's parents, and her Uncle Blizz (blizzard) and Aunt Geli (gelisol) Uncle Blizz is this giant teddy bear of a man who's super boisterous and upbeat. Aunt Geli is sly and crafty, and just ever so slightly feral. But she loves her husband and her family, and will do whatever it takes to protect them, so that's what's important.

They thought that it wasn't healthy for Rhyme to not know anything about Cryogon at all, and that it would only cause problems for her later in life. Rhyme's parents were cold and distant, only really caring about her studies and her appearance. Rhyme was under constant stress to succeed, just to get her parent's attention and have them tell her they were proud of her. Most of the actual parenting was done by Blizz and Geli, who were far more loving than her parents ever were. They made it their mission to teach Rhyme as much about the Cryogonian lifestyle as they could. One time, when they were supposed to be babysitting her, they took her on one of their hunting trips. Was it super irresponsible and dangerous? Yes. Were they really proud of her when Rhyme managed to catch a snow mouse all by herself, even if her method was sloppy? Yes. Was it one of Rhyme's favourite memories of Cryogon? Yes. Years and years later, Rhyme still considers them more like her parents than her actual parents.

Rhyme was taught amongst full blooded Lexiconian children and her parents assumed that she would gain a full knowledge of vocabulary like any other Lexiconian and they could pretend that she wasn't half Cryogonian at all. Well, aside from the little hiccup of her gaining the trademark Cryogonian pale bluish white hair, they assumed that she'd pass as an ordinary Lexiconian. 

But it became apparent that the Cryogonian genes were just more dominant than her Lexiconian ones. Unlike the other Lexiconian children, she was way behind on her vocabulary development. At age five she should have memorised the dictionary, but she was barely able to spell. She couldn't fly and she couldn't hear her teacher from across the playground either. Plus, she couldn't quite control her freeze breath or her superspeed yet, so she ended up freaking a lot of the other kids out. 

Now's the part where I tell you that her parents weren't just arrogant and neglectful. They're were downright evil. They told her to her face that she must be broken and basically decided that they didn't want to raise a Cryogonian child, they wanted a Lexiconian one. So they stuck her on a spacecraft and sent her to the giant off to an orphanage planet in the middle of the galaxy. Unfortunately, on the way the spaceship encountered a meteor shower and Rhyme's sleeping capsule was ejected into deep space, where she later crashed down to Earth. Rhyme grew up on an orphanage on Earth, under the new name Amy White, where she later became best friends with Reason (real name, Darren Labine) and her life is so much better now.

Blizz and Geli were absolutely sickened and devastated when they found out what Rhyme's parents had done. They cut off contact with them and didn't even shed a tear for them when they got trampled to death by a Mega Mammoth that had gotten into the city boundaries. They stole a spaceship, left Cryogon and for the next two decades, they dedicated their lives to finding Crysta and bringing her home. 

And eventually they did find Rhyme again. Their arrival on Earth accidentally caused a huge misunderstanding which led to the Villains Society and Word Girl thinking that they were about to have a Miss Power 2.0 situation on their hands. And while I would love to share that, this post has gone on long enough... and I haven't finished writing that part yet. Hope you enjoyed this because writing all this down took, like, a week and I am super drained from it. Thank you, and peace out.

[saviorinsilk]

Supreme 5, Y/N 3

Ship: Cordelia Goode x Female Reader

Words: 1 422

"You can't be serious," Cordelia said in awe, her jaw slacked into a surprised expression. You were sitting on the bed you and Cordelia shared, the softness of the cotton sheets against your bare legs feeling like heaven. You were in your floral nightgown, hair pulled up in a messy bun, glasses perched on the ends of your nose. It was well past midnight but it had been a long Friday night full of games and storytelling by the fireplace with all the girls in the house, which was definitely worth the late night. You and Cordelia had retired to your room a few hours ago, sharing a hot bubble bath before getting into your PJs and putting fresh sheets on the bed. Cordelia stood in front of you, running a comb through her wet tangly blond hair.

"Ah yes, I am. A baby sloth is definitely the epidemy of cuteness." You said, smiling at your wife. Cordelia shook her head, her glasses slipping down her nose a bit as she did. "First of all, look you at you using your big girl words," She teased, referring to the small vocabulary you usually had, "And second, there is no way that a baby Sloth is cuter than even an adult Armadillo." You scoffed, scooting up to the headboard as you slipped your legs under the light pink blanket. "Baby, did you hit your head or something? Because I don't think you understand what you're saying to me right now." You spoke in a voice you would use to talk to a young child, as you cross your arms. Cordelia rolled her eyes, setting the comb down on the bedside table. "Sloths are like giant, live stuffed animals. I mean those eyes?? They are so cute and round!" You gushed, hugging your arms to your chest and rocking back and forth slightly as if you were rocking a small sloth to sleep. Cordelia picked up her phone and began to google a picture of what she thought was the definition of cuteness. "Ya, not to mention those massive claws that could take your head off with one swing! Or the fact that they are so lazy! They don't move. They literally just hang there." She wined, climbing onto the bed next to you as you rolled your eyes and scoffed. You couldn't believe that the woman you married, the leader of your coven and the future mother of your children thought there was anything cuter than a sloth. It was a ludicrous idea. When Cordelia finally found a picture that she thought captured the right amount of cuteness, she scooted in front of you. You were distracted for a brief moment by her exposed thigh, were her cream nightgown had ridden up. Geeze! Not right now! You scolded yourself. There's no time for sex, we are at war! Cordelia held her phone screen close to your face, too close in fact, making you back up slightly, squinting at the bright screen in the dimly lit room, but Cordelia didn't even notice, her excitement over the tiny shelled creature too strong. You shrugged, which pissed her off even more. They were cute, but nothing compared to the beauty of those little beady-eyed potato sack babies you loved so much. "They look like mutated turtles. They are creepy, not cute." You said in disgust, hamming up your reaction since you knew it riled her up. "HOW DARE YOU!" She shouted, completely forgetting about the house full of witches that lay asleep around you, not to mention it would be the most appropriate thing imaginable if they were awoken because their Supreme was in a battle about baby animals. You exploded into laughter as she smacked you playfully, but roughy across the shoulder. You held your fingers up to your mouth, shhing her, which only got you another slap. "Geeze baby, don't be so rough! You're turning me on." You teasing in a sexy voice, a satisfied smirk taking over your face. Cordelia picked up her pillow and was about to ram it into your face when cursing sounded from outside your door. Without knocking Madison pushed the closed door open, her face unimpressed, reeking of annoyance. "Goddammit would you two shut up! Some of us are trying to get our beauty rest!" She groaned. There were whispers behind her and you didn't need to see into the hallway to know that Zoe, Queenie and Misty were all there as well. "Ask them what they are fighting about!" Misty's thick southern accent drawled, curiosity in her voice. Cordelia seemed unbothered by the fact that they had just barged into your room but you were too excited about the prospect of gaining others on your side to care either. "Guys come in here!" You called excitedly. As the four girls piled into your candle fill sanctuary, Cordelia straightened out her nightgown and readjusted her glasses. "Were you guys fighting over animals?" Zoe asked, a smile on her excited face. She wore small shorts and a tank top, the supers heat stopping her some wearing nothing more than that to bed. You nodded quickly and elbowed Cordelia in the side playfully. "Delia here thinks that a baby Armadillo is somehow cuter than a baby sloth." You couldn't even say the sentence without laughing. "No way! Sloths are way cuter!" Queenie squealed. She was too in her summer PJs, all the girls where. You raised your fists in the air in victory. "I have to go with Miss Cordelia on this actually," Misty said, glancing from me to her best friend. "That's just cause she's your best friend!" Zoe exclaimed, "Baby sloths have those big wet pink noses. I bet they a squishy too. I am so on your side Y/N" She said, sighing dreamily. Everyone turned their attention towards Madison, both you and Cordelia holding your breath to see which she would pick. Madison threw her hands up in defeat. "I'm so done with this. I vote twice for Armadillos, their skin is as hard as rocks, just like my heart. There. Cordelia wins. Woohoo. Now can you love birds please go to bed or make out or something? I don't care just as long you shut up so I can sleep." Madison said in the most unimpressed voice you had ever heard from her. She groaned as she stormed out of the room loudly. You sighed in defeat and face planted into the mattress, hiding your face in shame. Cordelia winked at the girls who remained and they made their way to the door. "Anyways, Madisons right. You two show make out or something, You're just too adorable together." Zoe practically sang as Queenie shoved her out into the hallway with laughter as she shut the door, leaving you two alone once more. A few moments passed and you felt Cordelia's fingers in your hair. "Fine. You won. Supreme 5, Y/N 3" You grumbled into the pillow, remembering exactly how many times she had won arguments. Cordelia chuckled softly as she ran her fingers through your hair. The middle-aged women leaned down and kissed your head that was still in the sheets. "You know, Zoe's right. We should probably make out or something because I think one argument you're definitely never going to win is the one where I say you are the cutest creature I have ever laid my eyes on." Cordelia whispered into your hair. You couldn't help be smile stupidly despite how much you wanted to pout. You lifted your face back up to the land of the living and flipped onto your back. Cordelia readjusted herself so that she was now hovering over you, her eyes filled with desire as she leaned down, kissing you gently but with the passion of a strong confident woman. You kissed her back, wrapping your arms around her neck, tying yourself to her warm body, in the hopes that you would never have to separate from her. "I don't know about that Delia. You're kinda the most beautiful Witch around." You teased, whispering against her plump lips. It didn't really matter who had come out on top that night, because no matter what animal you thought was cuter, what season was better or what colour better suited your bedroom walls, what you both could agree on 100% was that both of you were the luckiest women in the existence. You had each other and no one would ever argue the love you shared.

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[jimmymcgools]

Idk if you’re still doing the fic meme but would love to hear your commentary on the afternoon scene at white sands!

i definitely am! ♥️♥️♥️ and so excited to get to talk about white sands. this turned into an extra long one, too, so brace yourself.  

fic commentary meme and my answers 🙌

this whole afternoon i’ve been trying to remember how i picked white sands. it must’ve been looking through photos of new mexico on tumblr? i can’t think of any fun origin story for it at least, and i definitely had no idea that it’d end up being such a turning point in the story. white sands! it stands in for so much now.  

He realizes that the haze he saw from afar was actually the white sand of the dunes, picked up by the wind and left hanging in the air like a fine fog. this specific detail is something i noticed on google streetview more than any photos 

so hazy!

The artwork in the visitor’s center had depicted mammoths and giant sloths in the grasslands around the lake, lush and vibrant. there’s a bunch of those streetview bubble things actually inside the white sands visitor’s center, so i snooped around in there. zooming in and reading all the info boards like a tragic version of a real tourist. 

It’s finer than any sand he’s ever felt��more like flour than anything, and it’s completely cool to the touch despite the afternoon sun.  i really wanted to capture the tactile feeling of being in this place, and luckily a bunch of tripadvisor reviews had described the feeling of the sand well enough that i could give it my best shot! 

“So I guess there used to be a big lake here,” Kim says, staring out over the edge of the dune. alternate take: kim and jimmy visit camp green lake and dig holes every day and eat raw onions. 

He wiggles his bare toes in the sand. “Fists with your toes,” he says. Kim chuckles. “Better than a shower and a cup of coffee.” kim and jimmy the movie nerds! jimmy probably should’ve done this as soon as he landed in abq, huh? at least he’s doing it now. the secret to surviving.  

“I wonder if Chuck’s ever been out here,” he says gonna go ahead and make that a definite “no”, jimbo. 

The first time I was just dumb and eighteen,” Jimmy says. “I was off and on with her all through high school ahh the infamous marriages. i wanted to preserve the vibes of like, stupid romantic-at-heart jimmy, especially because by now i had settled pretty firmly into an acb jimmy who looks at kim wistfully like 😍24/7, so i needed continuity with that. i think i actually included them in the cicero chapter, but “mr and mrs kimberly wexler” “do you make 25 foot signs? no!?” legal pad boy 100% seems like someone who was filling notebooks with a girl’s name in high school. 

i like the idea that he did some dumb, grand, drunken, romantic gesture while they’re all cutting loose in vegas. something that doesn’t look nearly as cool as he thinks it does.  

i have a little timeline for jimmy’s life, and so i knew that i could sync this marriage up with roughly the era his father loses the store and then dies. i liked the idea that this and other circumstantial changes happened and the teenaged relationship just couldn’t weather it. 

“College of DuPage,” Jimmy says, and he holds up his fist. “Go Chaps!” jimmy’s college years!! this is so interesting to me! did someone in his family really encourage this? was this an earlier attempt to get on the straight and narrow? all food for thought. either way, he didn’t go far from home, unlike chuck. 

Me and Lisa…we were pretty good. For a long time. She did theater jimmy should’ve just been a theater kid. get in a spotlight, get those eyeballs on him.  

“And the worst part is, I introduced them! Because he was dating Mom,” Jimmy spits i think i saw someone else use this somewhere, and i wish i could remember who, but as a way to tie in the step-dad thing from brba it appealed to me. i think ruth has that same playful/theatrical side to her as jimmy, so i liked that connection here, too. also it’s just so horrible and dividing

She folds her lips inwards and studies him, then tilts her head and gives a little smile. “I can’t believe you’re telling me this in your stupid sombrero hat.”�� i hadn’t planned this at all when i had jimmy buy the dumb hat in the last chapter, but it ended up working well -- kim deflecting from the serious moment with some lively hat talk, jimmy loves hat talk, the perfect distraction

The white sands seem almost to reflect it, becoming nacreous with pink and yellow and orange, taking on the color of the world above.  as a little metaphor for jimmy, here. he’s just reflecting everyone around him. 

The brim of the hat casts a diagonal stripe of blue shadow over her face. ahaha oh god i had forgotten i’d included this sledgehammer-subtle parking garage scene reference

“I’m not ashamed of being from there,” Kim says crisply. She shakes her head as if to shake that thought of her mind. “Not at all. But I wanted a blank slate. i always go into writing a scene like this planning for her to reveal more than she does, but it never feels believable. but i wanted to make that distinction between her hiding red cloud and her being ashamed of where she was born. i don’t think it makes sense for kim to be the latter. 

“I guess they just wanted somebody to listen to them. But it bugged me. Like they expected me to fix the weather for for them, too, in between bagging their groceries.” this seems like a very kim trait to me. that rather than just listening and nodding along to these farmer’s chatty complaints, she feels like it’s on her to fix everything, when of course it isn’t, and i doubt any of these customers would expect it to be.   “There was a time when I thought I could get married,” she says. “It even seemed almost inevitable. Like getting wound up so tight and then released on a path. i think it was a friend who made this connection, but imo kim does this in bcs too. especially when you think about her career path at HHM and how it’s going in s1/s2, or her time with mesa verde. to her credit, she breaks off the rails eventually in those situations, but she does seem to ride these tracks long past the point when it’s clear she’s not on a good route. i guess you could say that about her relationship with jimmy, too? depending on how fatalistic (and maybe reductive?) you want to be. 

The sky around it glows amber. West, he thinks. “But you weren’t stuck in Red Cloud,” he says.   and kennedy’s head faces west, faces the future.  

he pauses for a moment, eyes drawn to the long shadows cast backward by the two of them, rippling over the white dunes. They stretch away so far they seem to vanish before they end.  something about this image seems perfect for the two of them. maybe that’s just the dumb jimmy romantic in me talking. kim and jimmy’s shadows dipping over the curve of the dunes, out of sight, before they end. 

hell, this got LONG! i’ll end with this quote i took a screenshot of in the visitor’s center. better call saul, anybody?

[thecourtneychronicles]

“Courtney Act has some advice for Strictly Come Dancing.

Everyone’s favourite Aussie drag queen-turned-reality TV darling made history when she became the first person to dance with a same-sex partner on Dancing With The Stars, and now she thinks it’s time the UK caught up.

“Any excuse about the traditions of ballroom dancing and all that sort of jazz, it kind of starts to sound a little bit awkward now that we’ve done it in Australia,” she tells GAY TIMES. “I think it’s definitely time.”

As she prepares to grace London’s Underbelly Festival with her show Under The Covers, we spoke to the Aussie queen about her time on Dancing With The Stars, who she wants to see on Drag Race UK, and what makes our drag unique.

Congratulations on making the finals of Dancing With The Stars – how are you feeling about that whole journey?

Thank you! Oh my god, it was just so magical and so much fun, but it was also so much hard work, it was four months of dancing and we were rehearsing for at least six hours a day, and I think I had about three days off in the whole four months. I got to tell so many stories on mainstream television, it was just amazing. Somebody’s made a supercut of all of the dances on YouTube, and my dance partner Josh sent it to me and we both sat there watching it and reminiscing over the phone.

Based on your track record, you really were destined to win. Are you a bit gutted about that?

You know what, this sounds really trite, but I feel like we did win. From the judges points we did actually win every episode except for episode four, but then we were pipped at the post by Samuel Johnson, who is actually so lovely. I remember him in the first promo shoot and I was like, ‘Oh, she’ll be out first’, but he actually was just amazing and he got better and better every week, and also he’s an amazing fundraiser in Australia, his sister unfortunately died of cancer a few years ago and he vowed to raise $10 million for cancer research, and so he’s on this big journey of his own and people really love that cause, and it is a very worthy cause. So I in no way felt gutted, I felt really, really happy for him. And we got to do so many cool things! We were the first same-sex dance partnership [on the show], which was amazing, and so many of the performances were kind of risque, like going from Courtney to Shane in the space of one minute and 20 seconds. That was dangerous, but it worked.

Did you face any resistance from the show when you decided to dance as Shane?

No, they were totally supportive! I think I used the Courtney Act patented lubing technique to get them used to the idea, so I thought, ‘I’ll just get in there, I’ll be fabulous and have fun, and show them there’s nothing to be afraid of’, then in episode three I did the Courtney-to-Shane Tango which they loved, and then the Samba in episode four was our first sexy dance, and I kind of loved that people were seeing this was a guy dressed as a girl dancing sexy with another man. And I was planning to do something as Shane but I couldn’t quite find the right time, and then the Tango-Foxtrot came up and I was like, ‘Oh good, this is like a sexy, intimate, romantic dance so it’s not like we’re just doing the Jive next to each other’. I wanted people to see two male-presenting people in each other’s arms. I remember the first time I saw two men dancing the Tango together I was shocked, and I remember how confronting it was for my brain, even though I’m a queer person just to see two men dancing romantically was like, ‘Wow!’ and I figured there’s probably a lot of people around Australia who still haven’t seen that, so to get to do that on Dancing With The Stars and hopefully help to normalise it and create a positive example is a really amazing opportunity.

There’s a debate in the UK about having same-sex partners on Strictly Come Dancing, but the show still won’t let it happen. Do you think it’s time for that?

Absolutely, and I think there’s got to be a same-sex couple on Strictly this year. There just has to be. It’s not even a question in my mind. It would just seem really weird not to. And I mean, Craig Revel Horwood was a judge on our version as well, and he’s a judge on Strictly, so I think it’s definitely time. Because like, any excuse about the traditions of ballroom dancing and all that sort of jazz, it kind of starts to sound a little bit awkward now that we’ve done it in Australia.

You’re bringing Under The Covers to London’s Underbelly Festival this month, what we expect?

Well I did the show around the UK last year, and I did it in London at the Palladium which is this ginormous venue which where the front row was like 20 metres away, so it wasn’t very intimate, but this is a gorgeous intimate venue and I’m doing it with a live band this time. Last time I just did it with a piano, so I’m excited for that. After doing – and then losing – Eurovision: Australia Decides, and then performing with Jake Shears when he opened for Kylie on her Australian tour, I was just like, ‘Oh my god, I love live music so much’, so I knew I had to do my Under The Covers show with a live band. There’s loads of great songs and costumes, we’ve updated all that, there’s lots of stories about Dancing With The Stars, and maybe a little ballroom dancing in there too.

Well, you spent all that time learning, you may as well show it off.

Yeah, exactly! Also, like, the fitness level I achieved from dancing that much, I’m now working hard to not just go back to my regular sloth-like self. So I might try to keep it up in my show.

How do you decide what songs you want to perform for Under The Covers?

Well they’re all famous covers of covers, so I have a giant spreadsheet, and I spent weeks Googling and I put every cover song that I could find on there, and then I picked out ones that I’d like to do, that I could sing well, and that the audience would enjoy, and then I’ve tried to put it together following the loose theme of my show. So for example, Bjork’s It’s Oh So Quiet is such a great song, and that’s a cover from a Betty Hutton song in 1951, and that was a cover of a 1948 song that was originally in German, Und jetzt ist es still, which is German for It’s Oh So Quiet. Lot’s of people don’t know that.

We also have Drag Race UK coming up this year. Having lived in London for a while now, what do you think international audiences will find unique about British drag?

I can’t wait, because I love watching Drag Race but I feel like the drag has been coming through the same filter for a few seasons now. I mean, coming from Australia to the US, I love the pageant drag, I love all the different styles of drag, but I feel like the UK is just going to inject a breath of fresh air into the show. Have you seen any of Drag Race Thailand?

I saw a clip where one of the contestants [Kandy Zyanide] set her dress on fire, which was incredible.

Yes! I saw that one too. Unfortunately she did suffer burns after that, so don’t try that at home. But it’s just amazing how there’s a whole culture and sensibility in the UK, and the history of drag and camp that is part of pop culture there is going to be wonderful. I’m really excited to see the injection of fresh talent, and that fresh approach to drag and how it will shake up and influence the US version.

Are there any UK queens that you would like to see on the show?

I’d love to see Cheddar Gorgeous and the House of Gorgeous, they’re amazing. The UK has so many legendary queens, who I don’t think would necessarily be right for Drag Race, like all the East London queens that I love. People like Jonny Woo and his clan are all epic, although I don’t really picture them competing on Drag Race. So I’m gonna go with Cheddar and her clique, I think they’re pretty epic.

Courtney’s interview with Gay Times Magazine - May 3, 2019

[defrogger]

Snorkeling - Drifting Via An Underwater Globe!

Snorkeling is an expensive word for breathing undersea while floating. It is the heavenly experience of weightlessness, when the body relinquishes all worry, all negativity, and also your eyes take your mind via an inverted bubble as you wade through passages of friendly fish, lurking lobsters, blooming sea followers, colorful corals, sea sponges, quiet and also slothful sea cucumbers, resting sea rays, and big green and significant hawksbill sea turtles. Visualize you just got an individual invite from an animated sea creature to take place a scenic tour with a huge fish tank the dimension of a football area. That is what a snorkeling experience is to those who never experienced the natural high that snorkeling gives.

dive mask defogger

Years back as I lay on the aft deck of a sail watercraft anchored off Bird Island-- positioned roughly half mile due east of Jumby Bay Island and hotel Antigua-- I saw a blue wrasse circle the watercraft a couple of times. I held a piece of bread in my hand as well as dared the fish to take it. The very first day, its perseverance overcame me as well as my huge heart. The second day it came more detailed. By the third day, it felt confident enough to take the bread out of my hand. By day 5, it is either my creative imagination got the better of me, or I was flipping out since my little fishy close friend in fact bid me to follow it. So I took a snorkel and mask from the boat and after a couple of practice sessions, I got on my way following my little close friend.

My initial response was "Wow!" Purple sea sponges, yellow, white as well as brownish corals, giant squid, as well as sea steeds that swam upside down-- I saw them all as my little close friend presented me to its globe-- a sort of thank you for sharing my lunch daily. Naturally I got hooked.

Learn to Snorkel: 10 Simple Keys:

After educating so many individuals to snorkel, numerous that first informed me "I can not swim," I have chosen to pass the info on millions a lot more. A whole brand-new world of relaxation in liquid colour awaits you.

Never say you can not swim or you can not snorkel. Presuming that physically you are able to, the only factor you can not swim is that perhaps you were never ever educated; the only factor you can not snorkel is that maybe you never attempted. So begin to enjoy the Discovery Network as well as observe the beauty as well as ease through which the human body will move via water when it is at its most unwinded state.

Secret number 1 ... Go to a Dive store, sporting goods shop or Google Amazon or Target stores. Click snorkel devices within their outdoors divisions. Consider the different sorts of equipment you will certainly need. For just about $100.00, you can discover among the most safe, healthiest and most fulfilling sporting activities readily available. You will certainly require a mask, a set of fins, and the vest is optional. If the vest is buoyant and also you fidget about swimming, after that purchase the vest.

Trick number 2 ... Snorkeling is an elegant word for being able to breathe pleasantly under water. So a proper suitable mask is needed for making certain that water doesn't permeate via. A tube fits under the band of the mask and protrudes over the water's surface to allow you to breathe in air through your mouth, since the mask is constructed in such a way that your nose fits inside the mask. You first goal is to make certain that the open tip of the snorkel does not go under water while you are taking in air. So before you put on a mask, in the comfort of your house hold your nose and, find out to take a breath via your mouth while holding your nose. Try paying attention to music or even checking out a book while you are doing it. That simulates the kind of positive disturbance you will certainly have while snorkeling.

Trick number 3 ... When looking for, or renting out a mask, ensure your mask fits. A lot of Caribbean hotels-- specifically those recognized for beaches with coral reefs-- have their very own snorkel tools readily available for guests. Prior to you book your next Caribbean vacation, ask your travel agent: "Does the hotel have crystal clear water, and also snorkeling off the coastline?"

Not all Caribbean resorts have great snorkeling from their nearby coastline. Some organize boat trips to reefs; others do not have the type of clear exposure required for snorkeling. Do your very own study; check out the visitors discuss their website. As a person that has actually snorkeled in the Caribbean, Pacific Isles, as well as the Mediterranean, my preferred areas are: Barbuda, Bequia, as well as Antigua with its practically 400 beaches, consisting of lots of unoccupied as well as ecologically undisturbed offshore islands. Lots of people will inform you that Antigua has some of the world's finest beaches and that is tough to conflict; however, what couple of individuals understand is that although Antigua flaunts a lot more Top Ten-rated beaches than the majority of locations, its sister island Barbuda has-- in my opinion and also the point of view of numerous professional dive individuals-- at least 2 of the globe's finest: both are unoccupied coastlines over 10 miles in length each. One beach stretches for 17 miles, has pink sand and the other stretches for over 12 miles, is reef-fringed, loaded with lobsters, shipwrecks fifty percent mile off, and has all kind of lovely fish and marine life. The latter I would advise for experienced swimmers since even if you had one week to explore the last coastline stated, there would certainly not suffice time to explore all the reefs and also their appeal.

Just how do you check your mask? Place on your mask by drawing the mask over your face as well as protecting the bands behind your head comfortably as well as snugly. Make certain that you do not have hairs under the rubber of the mask. If hairs can obtain under, then water will certainly obtain under. You desire your mask protect enough to ensure that no water obtains under. If water obtains under it will certainly get involved in your mask. As you method, you will certainly find that the most convenient means to obtain water out of your mask is to push the mask against your face, push in the top and also as you blow hard against the mask, the water will leak out. At first, given that you will certainly be snorkeling where you can stand, just quit, stand, lean your head back as well as drain out the water. To obtain water out of your tube, either remove your mouth as well as drain the tube or if face is listed below the waterline, merely wrap your lips over the snorkel rubber securely and burn out all the water. Initially you will certainly want to stand to drain out the water. Nevertheless, as you grow in confidence, just utilize your mouth to burn out the water. If you have actually ever before played a groove or a blowing tool, the exact same principles apply-behave as if you are spitting out a grape seed and ensure you blow out all water.

Trick number 4 ... Practical practice test ... This simple method I call the practical practice test. Place on your mask, ensuring that no hairs are under the side of your mask; place the tube in your mouth. For this examination, you require your tub, your pool, your hotel beach, or a lake. Stand in around 4 feet of water, as well as after making certain that your mask as well as snorkel (tube) are properly fitted; press the rubber at the front sides of your mask: that seals the mask to your face. Next, put your entire face below the waterline to make certain that no water leakages in. If water leakages in, inspect to make sure your bands are limited sufficient which no hairs from beards, moustaches or hairlines enable water to leak under the rubber of the mask; then review the actions again. Do not take a breath out into the mask as that will mist it up. If you are a novice, ask the snorkel buy anti-fogging sprays.

Trick number 5 ... As soon as you have waterproofed your mask, slide the snorkel (tube) under your head strap, brace it against your face, impact hard to make sure that no water got involved in the tube and after that start to breathe via the tube while your head is under water. As soon as you have a water resistant mask and also tube, as well as you can breathe with television without water going into, you are 90% heading to snorkeling. The remainder is scholastic as well as natural physics.

Scuba mask anti fog

Secret number 6 ... Ensure your fins fit easily, not also securely to cause discomfort or aches-- tight adequate to ensure that they do not fall of when you paddle. You must know your footwear dimension. Your shoe dimension is your fin size. Place on your fins, ensuring they are safe as well as comfy. Try walking backwards. If you can pitch in the water easily, you are now 99% all set. Prior to putting on your mask, attempt swimming about with your fins using what we call snake creeps or mermaid movements. Do not bend your knees as if doing jump, avoid and jump, or exercise bike activities. The even more kicked back and also fluid your movements are, the much less most likely you are to get pains.

Trick number 7 ... Lock down your mind and also get into automatic setting. The factor: the body is normally buoyant when in a loosened up state. Visualize you will stretch out on a large water bed. As your mask is strapped to the back of your head and also fit snugly, make certain the tube or snorkel is above the water line. Delicately push forward with arms prolonged like a cross, and visualize you are jumping in your bed. With the same motion, you will certainly feel like you are in a gigantic water bed with one exemption: you can see and also take a breath under water. Just utilize your arms to guide. When you push both arms in reverse gradually, you will go forward. When you press them onward slowly, you will step. If you intend to turn right, simply push with your left hand; if you intend to go left, push with your right hand-- simply put, where you wish to go, utilize the other hand to press you there.

Key number 8 ... Make sure when you attempt your very first snorkeling on a coastline that at the very least one helper is about. It is so easy to obtain addicted as well as forget ahead up to see where you are or where you are going. If it is really windy or very rough forget it unless you are seasoned. The presence will certainly not be good and possibilities are that you will ingest a great deal of water.

Key number 9 ... Attempt to be as all-natural and fluid with your motions as possible. Bear in mind fins and also snorkels are developed to allow you look and also swim like among the natives. Try to assimilate as well as do not behave like a ridiculous event crasher.

Secret number 10 ... NEVER GO SNORKELING IN THE SEA ALONE, As Well As STAY OUT OF WATERCRAFT WATERWAYS!

With these simple keys, globes of wonder, relaxation as well as elegance await you.

[paleozooseum-blog]

Museum Review: Field Museum of Natural History Chicago

I may be biased in this review (which is also why it is my first post) as this museum is near and dear to my heart. When I was growing up it seemed like we went to the Field Museum every other weekend (with Brookfield Zoo on the other alternating weekends. My now husband’s/ then boyfriend’s proms were held there. I’ve also done several internships there. AND my husband proposed to me on their front steps. In short I love it. But why? 

*Pictured below is me at my senior prom, 2012

The Field Museum is broken up into certain areas of study (Geology, Zoology, Botany, and Anthropology). Their major exhibits follow suit. The Evolving Planet is what it sounds like: is takes you through from Earth’s beginning until today and what animals were around during each time period. Very well done, it follows a single path, so it’s not a wandering-type exhibit. Since I am biased for the paleontology exhibit, here are my favorite displays:

1.The Cambrian room, where a realistic, animated video of the weirdest creatures that you can imagine that once scuttled about the ocean floor plays with a soothing musical score, showcases a variety of trilobites.

2.The carboniferous forest and Mazon Creek room. Imagine a forest with a giant (non-scary) centipede and that’s what you get with this room. Gorgeous. The Illinois state fossil, the Tully Monster, is housed at the end of it. Just google it; it really is the weirdest choice of a state fossil, but hey when you live in a state of mostly crinoids and shelled creatures, it’s pretty interesting.

3. The  synapsid and “amphibian” room. This room gets you to the roots of where mammals and reptiles diverged. It has a soft spot in my heart since I helped rehouse Dimetrodon fossils in their collections. Yes, Dimetrodon is a relative of mammals not dinosaurs as many toys and movies want you to believe. The amphibian tree of life gets all wishy washy as you go earlier in time hence the quotes.

4. Its largest room is of course the dinosaur room. SUE the famous T-rex lives at the museum and is currently being rehoused into a room next to the main dinosaur display (she used to be on the main floor of the museum but now a Titanosaur has taken her place). The main favorites are all here: Stegosaurus, several Ceratopsians and Sauropods, a few Theropods, and Parasaurolophus. A childhood favorite is making the noise of a Parasaurolophus with their air compression chamber. There are animated videos and buttons that pronounce dinosaur names. *Pictured below is me being a raptor (this isn’t a raptor however) wrangler circa the first Jurassic World Movie

5. I’m less of a mammal-person than anything but their evolution of horses display as well as the evolution of hominids is informative for those interested in “seeing evolution.” There is also an impressive giant sloth display, and an ice age display (can’t have a paleontology exhibit without a mammoth!). Don’t forget to play with the very-dated tar display showing how larger animals had a much tougher time getting out of tar by allowing you to pull up on bars submerged in tar. Many memories with that display.

There is also a large collection of minerals on display as well as the Hall of Gems, Hall of Jade, and a meteorite display showcased in true museum fashion behind cases with small labels and informative signs. Their botany collection is often overlooked but it’s worth to go check out as I’ve learned so many new things about plants I already know about as well as about plants I may never see. It’s a pretty big display of plants that people tend to walk by but I definitely advocate a walk through. The Egypt exhibit is excellent. You have the choice of walking through a ruin (with real hieroglyphics!) where you walk down a winding staircase to the lower level, where there are countless animal and human mummies, as well as artifacts. Theres a display on how they used to gather water that used to allow kids of all ages to try their bucket system with water but I guess there must have been messes as now it’s just something to look at (it’s less fun to look at as it is to dunk the bully system into the water). But look for fish in the reeds display as they are real. The Nature Walk is an amazing collection of taxidermy animals. Theodore Roosevelt hunted some of these animals for conservation purposes! The halls are a mix of animals that live in the same environment and by type of animal (i.e. birds, cats). You could spend hours just in there alone. The real lions of Tsavo are here! An old but goody is the Underground Adventure exhibit where you “shrink” to bug size and walk amongst huge, animatronic arthropods. There isn’t much to read about but it’s still fun. There are also displays of Ancient Americas, Pacific Islands, China, Africa, and conservation that offer insight into a variety of cultures and showcases the work of the scientists at the museum. The Field Museum has many traveling and in-house-made exhibits that are always worth the extra mummy. Currently, an exhibit on Dinosaurs from Antarctica (featuring someone from the museum with whom I have interned/ volunteered on research projects) is a pay-to-see exhibit and it is well done with showing how field expeditions in Antarctica go, displaying full size fossil skeletons and reconstructions, and exhibiting other work besides paleontology being performed at labs at the bottom of the world. Gift shops (plural) are great but the large main one is outside of the museum ticket counters and sometimes something you want is at a different gift shop back in the museum so it’s not exactly a one-stop-shop; see something you want? just get it then.

On a side note, Members Nights and Dozing with the Dinos are AMAZING. You get to see labs, behind the scenes collections, and what’s up and coming for members nights, and there are programs and of course camping out besides your favorite displays for Dozing with the Dinos. For you, liquor-lovers out there, they do special nighttime events with their own and local brews.

The Field Museum also participated in the March for Science and Science Expo in 2017 and held a science day in 2017 (they even gave us matching shirts so that we could walk as a unit *see below photo). Excellent museum? Check. Huge collection? Check. Advocates for the sciences? A Million Checks.

A little expensive but worth everything. Expect to spend several hours enjoying it. 

[loansinghfinanceblogme-blog]

There is something exciting and blissful about monsoon travelling. Even though you know there will be rain, puddles, delays and soaked feet, you cannot ignore the beauty, rainbows and garam garam chai. In today’s post we look at 9 places around the world where monsoon plays an important part in adding to its allure and sheer beauty.

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Monsoon Travelling

The concept of ‘Monsoon Travelling’ is nothing new. Monsoon is the advent of rains and a change in weather, from the harrowing summer. That is why, embarking on a new family adventure or solo travel trip during monsoons, actually makes you get out of your home and go see the world.

Although you need to carry rain protective gear when embarking on a monsoon trip, the other aspects of travel remain the same – such as choosing the destination, planning for the trip, making lodging arrangements and arranging cash for the entire holiday.

Your travel holiday can be focused on a particular event, such as the World Cup happening in Russia, the Berlin Fashion Week or the London Comic Con. Some of you might want to go on a world tour perhaps. Whatever the reason for the travel or whichever destination you want to visit, you will need funds. It is not easy for salaried individuals to keep aside some form of travel funds when there are so many priority expenses to cater to. So, what do salaried individuals do in order to go on a holiday? Apply for a travel personal loan of course.

Click here to know why used cars and used car loans are still relevant

9 Places To Visit During The Monsoons

Although any destination, whether a beach or a mountainous hill station, would look dreamy during the monsoons, we have a list of 9 places you can visit especially during the monsoons. So let’s get started.

1.Mossy Forest, Malaysia

The Mossy Forest, located at Cameron Highlands in Malaysia, gets us started. The forest is a paradise for greenery lovers. It can best be accessed from the town Tanah Rata. You can spend your time exploring the gorgeous mountains and reward yourself with a cup of hot steaming local tea. Hiking would be a great choice for adventure seekers. The highlight of the trek is the iconic slippery boardwalk. The alternative to that is the root-ridden dirt trail. All this would take you close to an hour.

Do be careful of carnivorous pitcher plants along the way, with rain also bringing along its friend, the mist. There are delicate orchids standing out among the green moss. Getting to the forest is an experience in itself. Winding roads take you through green tea fields before making its way to the misty mountaintops. Travel tip here would include boots, which will be your best pal against the moss filled footsteps.

The travel loan amount required to visit this place is INR 2,00,000.

2.Madagascar Park Forest

The Tsingy de Bemaraha National Park can be easily accessed from Morondava, which is an 8 hour drive. The forest hike will take you through the national reserve’s Big Tsingy section. A guide will accompany you, to prevent you from getting lost in the mega forest or worse, getting impaled by the spikey rocks. It is more of a rocky forest, with Tsingy’s limestone formations cover up to 230-square miles. It is an UNESCO heritage site.

The trek can last for a whole day, taking you through crevices, rickety rope bridges and allow you to witness chameleons, lemurs and a wide variety of birds. Again walk with heavy boots, instead of Paragons. The travel loan amount required to visit this place is INR 2,75,000.

3.Great Otway National Park, Australia

The Great Otway National Park can be accessed by the Great Ocean Road, that begins from Melbourne west in Torquay. The park offers hikes which are short and easy, passing through the lush landscape of Otway’s rainforest. They are home to huge tree ferns, swaying eucalyptus trees, koalas and kookaburras. The gorgeous Henderson and Erskine waterfalls add to its beauty.

The travel loan amount required to visit this place is INR 3,50,000.

4.Amazon Rainforest, Brazil

The most illustrious one on this list, the Amazon Rainforest can be accessed from Iquitos, Peru. This is the perfect place to start off a trek. The treks or tours are organized over the river, with lodges located at Iquitos letting access to a canopy walkway. The rainforest is the world’s largest rainforest, spanning over eight countries and approximately 1.4 billion acres.

The forest is fertilized by dust that seeps in from Africa’s Sahara Desert. It shelters pink dolphins, jaguars, sloths and toucans, among others. Isolated tribes still live in the forests.

The travel loan amount required to visit this place is INR 3,75,000.

5.Redwood Forest, California

The forest can be best accessed from the Avenue of Giants, which is a 32-mile drive through massive ancient trees. A great hike option would be the Rockefeller Loop at Bull Creek Flats, which is less crowded. The forest is popular for its iconic tall trees, with three of the world’s ten tallest trees located in the park’s Bull Creek Flats area. You can also drive through one of these huge trees. Hugging them completely is however impossible.

The travel loan amount required to visit this place is INR 2,50,000.

6.Cloud Forest, Ecuador

The cloud forest can be best accessed from Quito, which is the Ecuador’s capital city. The forest is located on a misty region, within lodging offered by a number of occupants. You can embark on the hike offered near Mindo, Casa Amarilla. You can witness colorful birds and a plethora of insect species. Hummingbirds and toucans are common sights. Birdwatchers with their binoculars can have a ball. The travel loan amount required to visit this place is INR 3,00,000.

7.Bamboo Forest, Japan

The Bamboo Forest can be accessed via Kyoto’s bus or train station. The hike trail leads you straight through the iconic bamboo grove. The bamboos grow really tall and towering. The sound of bamboo stalks bumping with each other will keep you company through the hike and rain.

The travel loan amount required to visit this place is INR 2,50,000.

8.Black Forest, Germany

The forest can be accessed from Baden-Baden. The hike trail is quite long, spanning almost an hour and covering up to 200 miles. You also pass the Hohebaden Castle on the way. The forest has inspired numerous fairy tales by Brothers Grimm, so you will special being there in the first place. You can also gorge on some local delicacies along the way, such as Black Forest gateau and Black Forest ham. You can gulp it down with a pint of German beer after all.

The travel loan amount required to visit this place is INR 3,00,000.

9.Sian Ki’an Biosphere Reserve, Mexico

Tour companies located at Sian Ka’an will help set up hiking tours. Public transport is the easiest way to get there. Although you can go on short treks through the jungle, you can also hop on to a boat tour through submerged mangroves along the ocean. There are plenty of crocs, sea turtles and dolphins to behold.

The travel loan amount required to visit this place is INR 3,00,000.

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Travel Personal Loan at Loan Singh

The unsecured aspect of a travel personal loan in itself makes it a potent financial solution in times of travel cash crunch. Suppose you remove the offline paperwork, delayed verification, repeated trips to the bank and delayed approval, from the travel loan availing process.  And then you turn the process online, with only 3 documents (to be uploaded), an approximately 5-minute application process and doing all this from the confines of your home. These features, my friends, make an online travel personal loan even faster to avail.

An online travel personal loan is a fantastic option during times of sudden travel plans. Sometimes, your savings might not cover the cost of a complete travel holiday. You might sometimes need to supplement your emergency travel fund with a shot of cash from other sources.

It is true that a number of traditional lending institutions provide travel loans. But, isn’t an online travel personal loan synonymous with quick, instant and requiring less paperwork?

So, what’s the best source of travel funds to plan a sudden ‘zindagi milengi na dobaara’ travel trip? How can you travel the world with the least of hassles and no tension? How to apply for an instant travel personal loan? Are there any online travel personal loan providers in India? The single answer to all these questions is Loan Singh.

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Travel Personal Loan Eligibility

The eligibility criteria for an online travel loan with Loan Singh are:

Salaried (receiving a monthly salary directly into your bank account)

Indian and above 21 years of age

A credit-worthy repayment history

No collateral needed

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5 Types Of Holiday Instagrams Nobody Wants To See

The holiday season is upon us, and I’m already tired of the nonsense happening on my Instagram feed. We’re barely into the month of November, and I’ve seen enough extra-ness to make me want to unsubscribe from everyone for the rest of my goddamn life. Like, it’s one thing to watch Bella Thorne a person be extra all year long, but people take it to the next fucking level during the holiday season. I don't know if they're bored from hanging out with their family or just drunk from October 31st through January 2nd, but either way my news feed is like an episode of one giant cry for help. And because I love to talk shit educate the masses, I’ve taken it upon myself to tell you all which of you are pissing me off the least winning at life and which of you need to cancel your holiday Instagrams ASAP. You’re welcome.

1. Turkey Thot Shots

You know the girl I’m talking about here. The one who shows up to the Thanksgiving dinner table in a club dress and thigh-high boots that makes you question the maternity sweat pants Thanksgiving outfit you showed up in and makes your MeMaw question if there is a God. The same girl who takes one look at the dinner her mother slaved over for two whole days and decides its actual purpose is a prop in her thirst trap of an Instagram photo.

There are so many things I want to see on Thanksgiving, like the bottom of my wine bottle and that extra helping of pie. What I don't want to see is you and your hoe ass tainting the Thanksgiving holiday. Just eat the damn turkey, I beg of you.

2. Anything That Involves Exercise

First of all, how dare you. Thanksgiving is a sacred holiday, one in which the main goal is to worship food and sloth-like behavior. For you to desecrate it with your Turkey Trot marathon is blasphemous. And yes, I’m looking at you, girl who went to my high school and started her own fitstagram account instead of graduating college. The last thing I want to see when I’m three glasses deep by noon and snacking on an actual turkey leg is you and your personal best time, you fucking psycho. Furthermore, no one wants to see your “burn before the bird” workouts. The only calories you should be burning are the calories it takes to roll your fat ass from the dinner table to the couch. THAT’S IT. Anything more and I’m reporting you to Instagram for your personally offensive behavior.

3. Holi-Bae Photo Shoots

I’m confused by the message of these Instagrams. Am I supposed to be jealous of the fact that you blackmailed your boyfriend into submission wearing an ugly Santa sweater to compliment your "Ho Ho Ho" one? Am I supposed to think you’re so supported in your relationship because you somehow managed to convince your boyfriend that wearing matching onesies isn’t emasculating and embarrassing? Because I’ve never felt more secure in my relationship with my Netflix account in my whole damn life. Also, god bless the poor soul you held hostage for 45 minutes while you posed in front of the fireplace, the Christmas tree, and that sad excuse of a snowman you just built. It’s hard to say who the real winner in this scenario is: you, for taming the fuckboy who once sent you the text, “My girlfriend doesn’t have to know,” and who is now your prisoner of war devoted boyfriend, or her, the girl who doesn’t have to impress anyone at family gatherings except the person pouring her wine glass? It’s a real Sophie’s Choice.

4. Anything That Makes A Children’s Holiday Mildly Sexual

I’m not going to name names here *cough* Ariel Winter *cough cough* but certain celebs have made it their personal mission in life to turn a holiday devoted to children’s happiness into their own personal thot playground, and I won’t fucking stand for it any longer. I can tolerate your extra AF workout Instas and the fact that I have seen more of your body than I have my own, but I’ve got to draw the line somewhere, and I’m drawing it at Santa’s slut your Holiday Christmas card. Sorry, Ariel. And if you’re thinking to yourself, “But I’m just full of so much holiday cheer! It’s innocent! Don’t judge me!” then let’s look at the evidence for a minute, shall we? Which of these screams, “innocent holiday fun,” and which of these screams, “my daddy had nothing to say about my butterfly tattoo”?

Apparently it’s both.

5. New Year, New Me

Let’s get one thing straight here: There is no “new you” on January 1st, there’s just a you who really needs a new liver. The “New Year, New Me” Instagram is perhaps the most pathetic of all holiday Instas, because you know the person posting it will regret it literally 12 hours later. What was a hopeful motto at 8pm will inevitably turn into regret six hours of drinking André on tap and calling your ex-boyfriend from five years ago to tell him that you miss him, while simultaneously Googling, “where is the pizza?” Now, am I guilty of posting the “New Year, New Me” selfie? Yes. But am I guilty of doing what was just described in that above scenario? Also yes. But that’s neither here nor there. No, leave your positivity and your good intentions off my Instagram feed, because I don’t want to see that shit on a day that I’m dedicated to spending reveling in a cycle of self hatred on new beginnings.

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5 Types Of Holiday Instagrams Nobody Wants To See was originally posted by A 18 MOA Top News from around

[shogunchelios]

Channel Listings

Channel Listings (Click Here to read this with the videos embedded the way it should be.  Warning, it’s in three parts due to the amount of videos I embed. It’s worth it though, trust me.)

Write what you know. That’s the mantra. That’s the advice writers use to get started. When I’ve got the writer’s block going, I repeat the mantra until I can remember what I know. That’s what brought you the sin rankings. From there, I explored Sloth a lot more, by luxuriating in it for a week.

The great irony of sins is that they’re fun as hell. You avoid them so you can go to heaven, right? Then you get to heaven, and what? You’re not allowed to have the maximum amount of fun possible? What kind of eternal paradise is this? All the most enjoyable things we experience, none of that is allowed to be experienced so you can get into this utopia, where...none of that is ever allowed to be experienced?? That’s the long way of me saying, my idea of heaven involves a lot of sin.

The one I’ve thought the most about is, of course, sloth. It was my number one ranked sin for a reason. So if I’ve gone up to heaven, and I’ve got my cloud mancave going, I’m obviously going to have a giant TV. Yes, it’ll have everything on demand, but I’ll be honest. As great as on demand TV is, I still yearn for the days of yesteryear, where you turn on the TV and something is already playing. Then, you press a button to see something else playing, and so on, and so forth. Channel surfing, can you believe that phrase and activity is basically gone now? It’s been replaced by the endless Netflix scroll. You know it’s not as fun.

This is why I’ve come up with my perfect TV channel broadcast schedule. I was trying to program my own channel, with no restrictions since this is supposed to be heaven. The method I use in choosing the shows at their specific time slots is based on a few factors, like nostalgia (childhood all the way through adulthood), but I also think about the standard weekday and what kinds of shows would be on at that time. It can’t be too unrealistic or my cloud mancave would descend into the uncanny valley awfully fast.

Now, without further ado, here is:

The Perfect Cable Channel

4:00 - 5:00 - Mr. Wizard’s World/Planet Earth

You awake in a stupor. You’re not sure where you are or who you are for a bit. Sometimes you’re in bed, sometimes you’re not, but it’s about 4am, and you still have time for a little snooze. Or, maybe you’re a parent and your kid just woke you up and you’re sitting there, trying to get the little fucker to fall back asleep. Who better to help, than the soft sounds of Mr. Wizard’s World.

He was teaching science before Bill Nye had pubes. Mr. Wizard is the OG of making science fun. As fun as it could be back in the late 80’s before adults decided to try to be friends with youngsters. Back then, all adults were united in being curmudgeon around children, perhaps even hitting them if need be, even if they weren’t your own.

Here’s a fun video in case you don’t remember Mr. Wizard: https://www.youtube.com/embed/jM6m9dAIEB8

I added Planet Earth as an alternative, since not everyone had the same great childhood with Nickelodeon playing non-stop on the TV, or up at 4:00am watching it.

5:00-6:00 - Fraggle Rock / Sesame Street / Eureka’s Castle

Still trying to fall asleep. Or perhaps you just woke up now, trying to be a better person by waking up early. Or maybe that damn kid hasn’t fallen asleep yet. Whatever the reason, you’re up at 5:00am and no one wants to be up at 5:00am. The only ones raring to go at 5am are soccer moms and crossfitters. Neither of them are watching TV. You are though. Because you don’t want to be up at 5am. So you turn on the TV to help ease you into the day.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/cxKC3lLhc_w

Real people are way too much to deal with this early. Muppets though? Or puppets? Is muppet only for Muppet brand puppetry? You google that, I’m going to keep going. Bright colors to help your eyes start to adjust, sweet voices to prime your ears for the day, these shows have it all. And if you got a crying kid, well, now you have a babysitter so you can go to the fridge to grab a snack or take a nap on the couch behind the kid as they learn to count.

6:00-7:00 - Morning Show / Weather / News

Now we’re getting to reasonable adult hours. Here’s where most adults getting up, and most kids are falling asleep during summertime hours. What better programming for both types than current events and weather? Kids don’t care, they fall asleep after being up all night watching TV, and adults need something to chit chat about when they get to work. When there’s no friendly morning banter, only your hard, bitter face of resentment over having to work, you get a bad rap. You have to learn to hide that face, like the rest of them. Pretend to be a host of one of these shows. You’ll end up getting promoted.

7:00-8:00 - Saved by the Bell

You go in later in the day. You’re not a part of management yet, and you’ve still got a bright future. Or maybe you woke up and forgot it was your day off. Either way, it’s early, you’re either getting dressed or about to grab a bowl of cereal. Your day brightens up when after a commercial you hear this wonderful theme song:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/fSeTiYspNGk

Zack Morris is the Dobie Gillis of the color TV generation. I think Zac Efron probably took the mantle afterwards, except I think he just did TV movies. Whatever, point being, the ideal model of what kind of teenager to be was best shown on Saved by the Bell. Zack was the number one ideal, obviously, because he was the coolest and perhaps the richest, since he had a cell phone. Perhaps the richest, because last-place Screech (RIP) had a robot, which Rocky Balboa could only afford after Rocky III.

Slater was the ideal for anyone with some athletic ability. He was hispanic on the show, but not enough for him to be a hispanic role model. I’d have to wait for Desperado to come out to get one of those. Kelly was the ideal for hot chicks, Jessie the ideal for smart chicks that like meth, and Lisa the ideal for fashion folks.

I related the best to Mr. Belding. Tries his best, but passed over because of a cooler brother.

8:00-9:00 - Wings

Wings doesn’t get nearly enough love from folks. Same for The Drew Carey Show, but one fight at a time. Wings. At this time of day, the more adult oriented shows start to play, but not too adult. They knew kids like me would tune in on sick days or during the summer time when kids never sleep. I remember watching this at my friend Rene’s house while he had breakfast. I’d leave my house at the crack of dawn to go play outside, but before that, we needed some breakfast and Wings was always playing.

Again, though, not enough folks have even heard of Wings. This Family Guy joke is fairly accurate:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/9Jqv7TlTtno

9:00-10:00 - Price is Right / Wheel of Fortune / Supermarket Sweep

By this time, if you’re still watching TV, then you’re not going to work or school. That means you’ll need to get your brain some stimulation in a different way. Competing along with the folks on the TV, your brain gets the same kind of workout it would’ve gotten at work. The whole time you watch, you also get to feel superior, because for sure you would’ve gotten that last question right. If only you could be a contestant one day.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/fnTbO26u9bQ

When I was a kid, I called one of those numbers they advertised in commercials so you can play at home. I liked dialing numbers I saw to see if anyone would answer. I would freak out my fellow 7-year olds by dialing all these numbers and suddenly there was a voice, asking them if they were ready to switch brands of deodorant. They’d freak, hang up, and we’d laugh and laugh. The time I called that game show, I hung up, and the fuckers called back! I hung up again and hid under the bed. A few weeks later, my dad had to yell at me because they charged him five bucks, even though I hung up. I definitely learned my lesson.

Only call these numbers from payphones.

10:00-11:00 - Morning Cartoon

Believe it or not, but I have notes for the stuff I write. I try to plan things out, like a real writer would, except about dumb things like this. I mention that because I have ‘Morning Cartoon’ written in this spot here, but knowing that it’d be surprising that I even have notes, not surprising is that I’m not sure what I meant by my note. There’s a few things that spring to mind right away.

First, this is where the morning block of cartoons would end if it were Saturday. From 10:00 to 11:00 is when the worst cartoons were on anyway. That was the signal that things were ending and that it was almost time to go play outside. Stuff like Beakman’s World, Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, NBA Inside Stuff. Sure, they’re all fine programs (Beakman is my second favorite science show. That’s right, Bill Nye doesn’t even rank with me, how do you like me now), but they’re not cartoons. So, if this were a Saturday, here’s about the time where you’d be wrapping up your cartoon session. Maybe doing that one quick chore, so you can go outside and play, ‘but mom, look, I even made my bed!’

Otherwise, if this were a weekday, I guess here would be a good spot for a Saturday morning style cartoon. Spiderman, X-Men, maybe, since they had the best theme songs. Getting this one-two combo back to back, this will gear you up for the midday slump in daytime TV.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/DZGN9fZvQhc

https://www.youtube.com/embed/sAkL2-vh2Sk

11:00-12:00 12:00-1:00 1:00-2:00 - Classic Cartoons/Sitcoms/Movies

This part of the day is the slowest time for TV. If you’re into daytime talk shows or soap operas, then nevermind, you’re having the time of your life. If you’ve been up for a while and watching TV, here’s about the time where you start looking for something else to do. Or you start thinking of lunch. Or maybe you just woke up now, hungover as hell. Either way, comfort is the way to go here.

Uncle Buck is the best example of a movie to be played around this time. Imagine you’re hungover, and you wipe the crunch out of your eyes as the TV turns on. “I’m Buck Melanoma. I’m Mole-y Russel’s Wart.” Headache or not, you’re going to be smiling.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/xEt5dEOcW0I

The alternative here could be a Looney Tunes marathon, or if you’re not an oldster like me, then maybe some Nicktoons. Sitcoms like Taxi or Who’s the Boss go great here, or, again if you’re not ancient, then you can go with Friends or King of Queens here. Whatever passes the time as you try to recover from that hangover.

2:00-3:00 - Catch-Up Time / Start the binge

You have an extra lunchtime at work today, so you go home and eat. You have the extra time so why not, turn on the TV and enjoy your lunch. If you’re with your spouse, then right now is a good time to watch the rest of that show you were watching the night before. As usual, one of you fell asleep and didn’t see the ending, so here you both watch it, and then you can discuss it afterwards.

If it’s a weekend and you’ve already got your daily errand out of the way, then now would be an ideal time to start on a new binge or to continue the extra long binge you’ve been on.

3:00-4:00 - Game Show

You got out of work early so you get to enjoy a bit of Family Feud or even an early Jeopardy! Maybe it was a slow day, or you’re about to start a three day weekend, but here’s where you can crack open your first beer. You don’t need those qualifiers of course, but they’re good to have when someone wants to call you an alcoholic.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/HeGVeBWECu8

4:00-6:00 - Catch-Up Time / Start the binge

What’s that? I’m repeating myself? Look buddy, I don’t know where you get off telling me how to do my bits, but I’ve had enough of ya. Beat it, and don’t let me catch you around here again. Ok, now that I got rid of that wiseguy, yes, this is a repeat, but that’s because now is when you actually got out of work. Still a good time to catch up on that show from last night, right before you start on dinner.

Not many folks watch TV as soon as they get home from work. Everyone has their own unwinding routine. That’s why I had to repeat this part. If you really want a specific show here, then consider a cartoon that’s aimed at older teens, like Daria, or Gravity Falls/Steven Universe which I haven’t seen, but I hear they’re good. If you’ve had your fill of cartoons, then newer sitcoms like How I Met Your Mother or Seinfeld or The Office.

6:00-7:00 - Sports Pre-Show / New Drama

Depending on the time of year, this is usually when we’re watching the pregame to something or other. If it’s the weekend, maybe it’s the undercard of a fight. During the week, probably football or any other sport you might enjoy is coming up and right now are the highlights and the talking heads.

If it’s spouse TV time, then this is probably when you start your favorite broadcast drama, like Chicago Fire, or Law and Order or This is Us. Perhaps watch the last episode because you forgot what happened because one of y’all fell asleep. All the best stuff starts at 7, so think of this as your appetizer hour.

7:00-8:00 8:00-9:00 - Wrestling / Football / Current Prestige Show / Movie

Date night, Date night. If you got yourself a lady/fella, right now is when you’re watching something that they like. You’re trying to make a move so you want to put them in the right mood. Now’s the time to take care of spousal duties and get through that romantic comedy they’ve been wanting to see.

If you all have been together for a while, then this is when you watch your current favorite prestige TV show. Anything on HBO can qualify here, like Big Little Lies, Mare of Easttown, Game of Thrones. If wifey is out, or if you’re a modern hip couple that does separate activities, this is also when you’re watching football or wrestling.

You demand very little, but watching football and wrestling live are parts of those demands. It doesn’t matter how good the game or show may be, if you’re watching it after it airs, it just doesn’t hit the same level. As much as I try to avoid spoilers, I just can’t help but check my notifications or twitter, and sure enough, there’s the score or the big reveal in wrestling. Once you know who wins the match, no matter how great the match is, the tension is gone. Same with football. The tension is why you’re there. You’re watching this stuff live to get a rush. At this time of night, you’re deciding what kind of night you’re going to have. You need something to match up.

Date night? Romantic movie, some wine, then here comes the smooches, then the snoozes. Single life? Bro movie to get you amped up to go out, like Wolf of Wall Street. Regular domestic night? This is the part of the day where you get your rush. Prestige TV with some murders or lots of t&a like Game of Thrones. It’s all about the rush in this timeslot.

9:00-10:00 - Personal Favorite / Guilty Pleasure show

Around this time, the wife is going to get up to start her bedtime routine, which can take anywhere from half an hour to about an hour and a half. Makeup removal, picking out clothes for the next day, a crapload of creams. Who knows what else they’re up to in that bathroom. So now’s your chance to watch that show that she hates. You know the one, maybe it’s too dirty, or too violent, or too abstract. This could be something like a Cinemax show like Banshee or Strike Back.

If you’re alone, then this is the show you watch because you heard from your friend that it’s good. You want to try something new so now you check it out. It could be something like Letterkenny, or Lupin, or Dave. If you’re with the spouse and they’re not going to bed, maybe you all are living large and are forgoing the sensible bedtime, then respect, my friend, that’s the way to live. Here is where the two of you are watching reality shows like 90 Day Fiance, Married at First Sight, or Real Houswives of Wherever. Yeah, you say you don’t like them, but you can’t help to get invested in these folks.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/iRtbJXNM-aw

10:00-11:00 - Night Show

Folks have jobs and need to wake up early to get ready, so by now, you should be in bed. You’re just watching so you don’t feel so lonely in the dark. That’s why it’s important to have a good friend with you and nowadays, you have so many choices. Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, Conan, The Daily Show. They’ll tell you the news, crack a few jokes, give you a funny skit or two. Here’s where you can steal some material to share with the office tomorrow.

Before smart phones and memes, everything would need to be acted out. Part of the fun was the bad impressions and terrible re-telling of jokes from the night before. That’s all gone. Now it’s just ‘did you see that funny bit last night on Conan? Here, watch the video.’ The person watches, laughs politely, hands the phone back, and ask you if you remember the whole Conan vs Jay Leno stuff. You say yes, agree that it was so crazy, then you both go back to your cubicles to wait for the sweet release of death.

11:00-12:00 - Late Show

Still up, huh? I hope you don’t have to work tomorrow, or you’ll be dragging ass when you wake up tomorrow. Oh, you do work tomorrow? Just one more show before bed? Ok, fine. That article you googled says to turn off everything when you’re trying to sleep, but apparently you wake up when you turn off the TV, so you might as well keep it on. You’ll watch with one eye closed so the other eye can get the hint.

To be frank, I lost track of who’s on the Late Show circuit ever since Conan left way back when. Who is it? Seth Meyers? James Corden? But you’re up and you have to watch something. You can’t watch one of your shows and get a jump ahead of your spouse. You can’t watch your guilty pleasure because what if you fall asleep and miss all the important stuff. You have to watch something self-contained but not too challenging so your mind can drift off.

I just hope you’re already drowsy by the time the second guest is coming on.

12:00-1:00 1:00-2:00 - Drunk or High Movie / Commercials

Oh, you’re not drowsy? Just can’t sleep? Been drinking too much caffeine there? Or maybe you just got home from a few after-work cocktails. It’s midnight, you’re up, not too sleepy. Some folks go for illicit substances for the quick fix. Maybe a beer or two, a couple of pills, a joint. Yeah, all the articles you read about sleep say that even though those substances can knock you out, the sleep isn’t genuine so you don’t get full benefit. There might be something to that. I often wake up in the middle of the night after a night of drinking or smoking. I think it’s when my liver is done processing all the junk.

Or you just got home from doing all that and you’re looking for something to watch while you eat a couple pounds of fast food. TV shows aren’t great here because there might be references to things you don’t remember because you’re blasted out of your mind. Movies are the key here. There’s always a great movie playing around this time. Rated R comedies, like Super Troopers, Wedding Crashers, Superbad, Beer Fest, great party movies to watch while intoxicated. If sober, they’re familiar and safe because it’s on Comedy Central and it’s censored.

Be careful the movie you pick here. One time, I couldn’t sleep and stumbled upon a movie about some Mexican American fellas. Oh, someone’s named Miclo, must be that movie everyone references. So I start watching this movie, Blood In, Blood Out, though it was labeled Bound By Honor in the TV Guide. Shit, that movie is 4 freaking hours long! So, find the movie playing on basic cable.

Besides, it’s what’s between the movies that you’re starting to focus on more. Those damn commercials, somehow it’s always when they’re playing that the wife wakes up. She sees sexy college girls that are waiting for my call and turns to me, as if I can control the commercials on the TV, but she doesn’t give a damn. Turn the TV off and go to bed. Ok, jeez, not like I was even paying attention to the commercials.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/kfVA8iSGgDc

2:00-3:00 - History Channel

You tried to sleep, but it’s still not working. You want to put something on that’s safe, so if anyone wakes up, there’s no chance of anything even remotely inappropriate. Even if there’s no one else there, you don’t want to start getting worked up this late at night. Then you’re off on a bender, trying to find some perfect scene to watch while you go to town and then the belt comes out and now you’re dealing with all these new logistics and at this time of night, it’s just too much stimulation.

Nice safe History Channel. Sure, there’s some stuff about aliens on there, but everything is presented in the same way, with lots of big words and names of places and dates. Everything that put you to sleep in school, but now while you lay in your nice comfortable bed. Hopefully soon the sandman comes for you.

3:00-3:30 - Google Deep Dive

The sphinx was constructed around 10,000 BC? No way. I have to get to the bottom of this. Gobleki Tepe? Better check out this YouTube video of when civilization began.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/czgOWmtGVGs

3:30-3:45 - Infomercial

You’re back in bed, it’s so late and you know tomorrow is going to suck. Oh shit, you mean today. You’re not going to get enough rest and you’re going to be so tired at work. Nothing is working. Except turning the TV off, can’t do that and just lay in the dark. That’s when the monsters come.

You would think informercials are great for putting you to sleep, but I always got excited watching them. If I was some sorta rich kid with a credit card, we would’ve had so much crap at home. Ron Popeil was my homeboy and he always had some awesome invention. I think the first one I saw was one I wouldn’t have needed at the time.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/2GeF7A05zQ8

The first one I saw that I pictured myself having was the food dehydrator. I had no idea how it worked though, because I had no idea what that word meant. I would see the contraption, but I couldn’t figure the mechanism. He would lay some meat out on one of the trays, then say he waits a week, then it was jerky. And I’m like ‘HOW?’

https://www.youtube.com/embed/rN1XvTJNrXU

Oh, and don’t get me started on the pasta maker. GREEN pasta?? What?? Yo, don’t even..don’t..Chocolate...CHOCOLATE pasta?? Oh Ron, come on, how can an eight year old kid order one of these?

https://www.youtube.com/embed/j8WMXyXBGpM?start=93

Ron Popeil, the Edison of our time. All these awesome inventions and guess what? It’s never going to cost as much as you think. What? A thousand dollar value? You’ll never pay a thousand dollars. All you’ll ever pay is? FOUR EASY PAYMENTS.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/B0NS44D7MYo

https://www.youtube.com/embed/JHInK-FRD9I

3:45-3:59 - Damn those commercials

Damn it, go grab the belt. Going to have to rub one out to release the sweet sleep chemicals in the brain. Uh oh, be careful, the belt is stuck, you’re going to pass out. It’s getting d..ark...you .. breathe...can’t...almost...there…..breathe..cant..d.

…. .gasp .. .. .. ….a .. .

. ……. gasp. . . .. ……… … . ...r . ….. K… .. ….

*the belt slips off the doorknob. Your body crumples to the floor. Gaaaasp.

You awake in a stupor.