#WHAT WAHT SPAWNED THIS HELP?????

[peppermintstarsonamintyway]

Hi hello I just finally got my ass up from bed after having left the house and-

HI?????

PERSON WITH THE REALLY GOOD ART THAT DRAWS I THINK THEIR NAME WAS XYTOL??? SOME VARIATION OF THAT SORRY I HAVEN'T PLAYED MUCH OVENBREAK- HI??? oop my cat just knocked something over- ANYWAY I'M GONNA QUESTION WHAT I DID TO EARN A FOLLOW FROM YOU- and also go press the follow back button because this is someone i have been meaning to follow for a hot minute but keep forgetting to- OKAY ENOUGH RAMBLING FROM ME I NEED TO GET MY BEARINGS-

[remotely-radical]

I got so high I somehow ended up on Jesus YouTube for kids????

Someone religious PLEASEEEE explain why this video of this women "teaching" about kids has a song with these lyrics

Please tell me how this is not brainwashing your CHILDREN to fear God if they don't read the bible or pray?

Tell me why soon as that song end this women is telling me I have to find a way to pray and communicate with God everyday no matter what, even finding a place away from parents so they can't disturb you.

Not even exaggerating

She told me I HAVE to spend time with God everyday, that is the method.

"You have to find a time everyday" they call it "consistent time" apparently

Then she tells me I have to "find a place" "where no body can disturb you, especially your parents who might wake up early who might tell you to put your shoes away" that they have to find place away from every distraction.

I didn't even watch the entire video, was 20 minutes long, this was 5 minutes in. God knows what else this video says.

So yes, please, someone religious and knows everything, please tell me how religion isn't brainwashing our children, tell me how healthy and okay it is to teach kids secretly to not tell their parents things, in the name of "god"

Because tell me why the fuck was that a thing, I know it goes deeper. I know it was planned, thought out, taught. Dumb fucks, all of them. I think some and alot of them are such genuine people too. That are/were kind hearted. Then they saw that, took advantage of that. Manipulated that. Took it and turned it into their own story.

Or when someone is at their lowest, they "save" them, become this omg wow amazing thing and because they got through something, they give 100% credit to God.

I think that's absolute bullshit.

Some people heal from the people around them, and they pick themselves up. With support, people and things and themselves. But when they get better. They soley give God all of that. Discrediting everyone and everything.

I'm going off track, my point was. This video was fucked and the message was fucked and if I was a kid susceptible to that, I'd be so pressured to read that bible. Forced. Scared.

And I still wouldn't of. Because if I csnt read normally when I want to, I sure as hell wouldn't of been able to function getting forced to.

If I grew up cathlic/religios/jesusy. I know i still would of ended up here. Because I never would of fit in. I'd ask to many questions, I'd be too confused of why this means xyz when it doesn't make sense to me.

I'd of been "a demon child" a "demon spawn" "Satan has influenced her" I'd be in church making noises and running around because I physically couldn't not do that or it would cause me anger.

They wouldn't of liked that, they wouldn't of accepted me or who I am. I know that.

Crazy how I genuinely almost felt something toward this, that I almost felt, hey, maybe I should explore this, see if it can help experience it, keep an open mind.

Then that video, that video came to me, was so random, as I litterally was looking up Adventure Time videos. So how was that next?

Which then that video gave me this, this feeling, this anger. This realiation.

What if that was fixed? The stars aligned to show me that video right at the time to have this experience. Something looked out for me and saved me from them.

But to them, that would of been demons/Satan, satan would of orchestrated it all, to influence me, make me bad, make me think this. That he was too strong.

Trouble is, which is which??? Is one actually the truth? Or is both a lie.

As waht if it was nothing, it was just a litteral random video. There's no force behind it, no God, no Satan, neither exist. Things just live and live. There is nothing else, this is just forever. Forever and forever.

But do we remember forever? How do we ever learn when we don't remember?

I remember, but also remember nothing. My mind is so easy to manipulate, I need to make it stronger, I feel so weak minded sometimes. At work, someone said I said something. I was so so so so confused as I didn't say it or even had the knowledge of information that was said.

So I knew I didn't say it, it wasn't me, but they said it was.

Was days before I saw them again. I was stressing so much trying to remember. I couldnt, this just didn't happen. But I started to convince myself it did, that I litterally did say it, and somehow knew this information or thought of this information and then just forgotten. I genuinely started to convinced myself I said it.

But no, was a litteral mis communication and she meant a differnt worker said it and said my name accidentally

So I 10000000% didn't say it. And I knew that, yet still doubted myself. Was I always like this? Or is that what was made? Who by too? Was it just her? Or did someone do that long before. Did they do the foundation and she did the house?

I don't know and I hope I find out. One day I think I will.

Because alot doesn't add up, it really doesn't. But hey, you said you've done nothing wrong, so it must be me. So i won't let that slide incase jt js me, I'll deal with myself accordingly. But I have that doubt in me that needs to do more research.

But with Jesus, hey man, I thought you were cool, maybe. You are, but your followers are fuck wits. I bet if you do see all of this. You'd be like um the fuck? I did NOT say that biiiitch.

Or, I did whaaaat? Nooo wayyy. Like reading a fiction story. because it is fiction lol. Some man wrote thst, and another wrote another, and another wrote that other too. They like to change bits. They like what suits them. The bible is made for men. For men to commit crime in the name of god.

Couldn't be further from the truth. They never cared about God. He just found a loop hole to do shitty things in his name. So the rest followed. Creating more and more.

Which more rules and different gods happened.

Because then the other men were like "oh bet, they can do that without consequences? Yea watch this, I'll fkn one up that cunt" then become worse human beings.

And so on and so on.

Anyway. I'm tired, my phone is tall, and I need a long long nap because this is my first day off in a whileeeee.

Goodnight Jesus

[geekynerdydorkyme]

And I find kind of funny I find kind of sad The dreams in which I’m dying Are the best I’ve ever had

Just when you think you’re old enough to have left your whole lot of teenage angst behind, there it is coming back tenfold. I haven’t had one of those days in a while, but right now, I wish the ground would open below my feet and swallow me whole. Am I being dramatic? Probably. Emotional? Definitely. And stupid? Most certainly.

Let’s jump right into the heart of the problem shall we? To say that I am bad at socializing is an understatement. If there was such a thing as social disability,that would be me. I grew up an only child with only adults to talk to until school, where I was bullied from ages 5 to 17. It got better in college; I found like-minded people to make friends with, grew confident, and was actually able to handle my own in a crowd. Then it all came crashing down.

WARNING: The following paragraphs deal with mental health issues and  may be triggering. If you’re depressed of have dark thoughts, please seek help.

So, I had a mental breakdown in the summer of 2016 and was institutionalized. I never tell people in real life that, mind you. There is still a big stigma around mental health in my country: saying you’ve been institutionalized lands you titles such as “psycho” or “nutcase”. Only close family knows about that, and only a handful of people are aware that I see a psychiatrist regularly.

Long story short, I ostracized myself from everyone that wasn’t family - and then some of my family. Willingly, or somewhat willingly. I spent all my time at home, only going out when strictly necessary. I stopped answering calls and texts. Deleted my facebook account. And as drastic as it sounds, it felt good. Being around the people I had cut myself from was no longer enjoyable, so I burnt bridges.If I’m honest, this wasn’t the first time I did that: I marveled at people being able to keep in touch with school friends, distant relatives and such, because I never figured how to. Therefore, all it took was some underlying paranoia the feeling I had been wronged to cut ties with people forever.

Long before I even sat down to write this, I realised how self-centered my way of thinking was. Resolving my issues with people, or keeping in touch, could have been as easy as a conversation. And most of said issues were only brewed from over-analysing and thinking negatively. But no, my depressed self thought if it was damaged, I might as well break it. So I did. And that lead me exactly where I wanted to be: alone. 

To be fair, I wasn’t exactly alone: I had my mum, my stepdad and a couple of relatives I could lean on. But no one outside this tight circle was allowed in. Eventually, I forgot how to behave normally amongst humans that were not the aforementioned circle. Which meant that I avoided social situations even more. 

Fast foward to now: I’ve been working and taking classes since october and slowly learning to let the outside world in again. Not as in trust or friendship or anything of the kind: simply basic work/study related interactions, small talk, efficient communication with colleagues and so on. I am ashamed to confess it seemed extraordinarily difficult. Every word, every laugh, every sigh, every wiggle of eyebrows has spawn endless scenarios as to what everyone really thought of me. And boy, was it unflattering. Starting a new job/course is hard enough as it is, but I also had to undermine myself believing others believed I was a failure and a loser.

Turns out they don't (I mean, not all of them at least), or I should say, they didn’t. Because of course I had to say something today and make a fool of myself in front of people I respected - and even liked - and behave like the self-centered martyr I unwillingly painted myself to be. Long story short, it was all in my head, as usual, an I overreacted, also as usual. 

When you have as little interactions as I got used to, every single one matters so much you spent hours overthinking them long after they’re over. You fall asleep on a play-by-play of events, wondering what was really said, what was the hidden meaning you didn’t catch, and how it could have gone differently. As I should be well aware by now (should be), this is not how most people view social situations: they just have them and go on with their lives. And here I am, feeling sorry for myself because no, contrary to waht my delusions want me to believe, people do not put that much thought into the conversations I have with them.

Why does it matter so much to me? When did my self-worth start being solely based on others’ opinion of how inefficient I was at fitting in? What is it that makes me want people’s attention only to single-handedly turn it negative? 

The only answer I could find was simple enough: I really need to grow the fuck up. Which is a sad thing to say at 25. Because let’s admit it: I have been growing backwards (does that even make sense?) for the past two or so years. Now that I have to take on new challenges, it’s time to reverse it. Sure, it’s hard to take back control over my life when I’ve pretty much left in on autopilot for so long. But I won’t give myself a choice this time. I need to fully heal, even if it won’t happen overnight. I was once a mature, sociable, healthy and stable young adult, and I will become this person again, only stronger from my struggles and mistakes.

Thank you if you read this far, I didn’t mean to write so much about, well, not much. I’m sorry if this post felt dark, and I’ll end it by repeating that you should seek help, preferably from a licensed professional, if you’re feeling drepressed, anxious, or unable to cope. Please take care 💜