#WHAT THE SHIT FUCK JS THIS. OH MY GOD WRITE A BOOK

[quackity1999]

quackity, i have one thing left to say to you.

it's that you are the second act of leaving, endlessly performed. do you bow to fall from the stage, or do you bow to drown in the people blinded by you?

it’s only your body, shoulders weak beneath the light, the gathering of blood beneath the sand. they’ve always come for you like that—hands outstretched, bearing knives behind their backs. love is a courtroom and you’ve been the defendant, the victim, and the executioner. they adored your gilded fangs, the gold glinting on your wrists, the bright and brutal sprawl of your wings, but no one’s ever touched them with anything softer than a bruise.

so las nevadas gleams like a false eden, a snake coiled not around the apple but the roulette wheel. tell me, did you think yourself a god because you built something so dazzling it could only blind? or was it because you knew blindness was all they ever wanted from you?

you bleed charisma from your throat, gold teeth flashing in the dim like a mockery of heaven’s gates. and when the applause thunders, you wil bow—not in humility but in habit. you bow because falling feels more honest than standing.

aristotle once said, “we are what we repeatedly do,” and so you did it again. you left. you burned the bridge, the town, the lovers who whispered soft things into the crook of your neck. love was always transactional, wasn’t it? schlatt taught you that. love with conditions. love with fists. love that was louder than it was kind. he was a serpent in your garden, but you bit the apple anyway, just to spite him. you were loved for the glint of your fangs, the silk of your tie, the architecture of your ambition.

christ fell three times on the way to calvary. you’ve fallen a hundred, and no one crowned you for it. consider this, quackity: maybe the miracle isn’t rising after every collapse. maybe it's about staying down long enough to build something with the rubble. what would happen if you stripped it all away? if you pulled off the rings and the brass knuckles and let the scars breathe for themselves?

so bow, if you must. but let it be a bow to yourself, not to the crowd that will forget your story. step off the stage, our woeful duckling. because salvation doesn’t come to the ones who cling to their ruin; it comes to those who build altars out of an unholy burial.

and quackity, you’ve always been good at climbing a ladder.

(a love letter to c!quackity + your blog. ilysm. bye!! this was a fun challenge hehe - sophocles anon)

[ OOC: ?!??!!?!?!?!??!?!?!??! NO WORDS. SOPHOCLES ANON. WHAT THE FUCK /MAJORPOS ]

[weird-bookworm]

LET'S SPREAD SOME LOVE!!!!!

talk about your favourite mutuals and why you like them

😄

oh god this is gonna be one hell of an answer

@fairyhaos because shes the sweetest comfiest most adorably chaotic lil ball of energy + she gives the best advice like hello??? what are you??? oh god my heart goes a little off track everytime we talk i just love you so much

@wheeboo okay shes part 2 of the they-make-me-feel-the-safest trio along w yena and axe like please i stumbled across the sweetest sassiest boo stan ever ALSO UR GORGEOUS???

@blue-jisungs axeaxeaxeaxeaxe so chaotically lovely and so boomer and so fun and yoid think shes savage but no shes just soft and as harmful as a pinecone (why do u remind me of tht one joon meme of him just. sitting there. peeling potatoes. in tiny.)

@slytherinshua we kinda talked less for a while bc life happened and then caught up (kinda lol) and im so glad to see shes still as crazy and lovable as ever (im waiting for tht ppt) like talk abt impressive. impressive is her whole personality. sometimes in, uh, less than conventional ways...hehe

@eternalgyu HANNIE WHERE TF R U I MISS UUUUUUUU 😭😭😭😭🫶🏻 like yk what i imagine when i think of hannie? causing mischief. LIKE IDEK WHY OKAY i just feel like we'd be running around giggling like idiots js pulling random pranks on people and js the thought makes me smile

@yllouhannie ylli is like love. ylli is gentle and kind and sweet. shes understanding and passionate and really quite cute. oh my love you make me wanna jump off a cliff because how can someone like you exist 😭 (no srsly what is this witchcraft ilysm mwah)

@woozvc nora is like home. which is saying a lot lmao i sound dramatic but like yk when u just talk to someone and it feels just right even tho ur not rly doing much? shes older but she lets go and i can just feel how absolutely beautiful this person is *melts off a cliff*

@welcometomyoasis shu oh shu i have no words so pardon if this is a little small but. ik i say this a lot but i rly do mean it. i love you. so much. yr msgs and reblogs and asks always make a smile and they make me giddy and suddenly nothing is wrong with the world 🥺

@haecien bro is my ultimate gay bestie like what else do you need in life other than cien. what. nothing is the answer. life is complete when u hv cien and his shenanigans lolol like i dare you try to Not like him. i m p o s s i b l e.

@glosskirt AYYYYY MY ARMY SOULMATE we connected over min yoongi. we still rant over min yoongi. we shall die talking about min yoongi. like there is nothing better than having someone to fangirl with over my favs gloss you filled a hole in my life <3

@mesanthropi weiwei!!!! my little bundle of sugar spice and everything nice!! (+ chaos and a passion about the randomest shit ever how do u live why am i not this exciting) how is it always fun to talk to you and why do ur msgs excite me so much

@aaniag chaos. thats it. chaos. this woman brought with her about half a dozen more desi moots for me like how do i hug you how do i appreciate you enough i ugghhhh 😩

@thepoopdokyeomtouched im still waiting for my flirting yk? lol on a serious note, u and ur crazy streak r probably the most entertaining thing on here, and i fucking love it. i love ur chaos and the fact tht u choose to share it w me, thank you 🫶🏻

@arafilez bro rly dropped outta thin air like a fucking ghost and made my life abt a 100x more exciting where were you my entire life ara. where. why didnt the atz rants and the writing and the random asks show up sooner. why.

@nonononranghaee HAFS MY LIL CUTIE PATOOTIE WHY DO I ALWAYS WANNA SQUISH U NOMNOM U CRUSH U KSKSJEHEH u give me so much cuteness aggression oh my god...

@kkooongie sarah sarah sarah sarah sarah i live for ur writing and im always looking forward to our little chats abt books and random stuff (...when r u updating btw 😅)

@maeleelee @mxnsxngie @imagine-a-life-like-this i don't tell you guys enough how much i love and appreciate each one of you. i dont tell u enough how grateful i am whenever i think abt u bc god ik how hard it is to take in a random person in ur circle, to adjust w a kid, to make said kid feel safe and included and loved. so thank you. for all that you do for me and for loving lil ol' me <3

@cadenonlinelive where u at damn i hvnt seen u in ages

@rubywonu @idubiluv GUYS STOP HIBERNATING ITS NOT WINTER ANYMORE I MISS U

[arillusionist]

s&b s1 ep 4 live reaction!! i didnt have time to watch an episode yesterday unfortunately 😞

hm i thought she was writing him letters?? maybe she wrote them but didnt send them

so shes writing him letters and not sending them and hes writing her letters but not sending them?? i think?? im confused

love how she doesnt rlly treat him like a general and js treats him like hes some annoying guy 🔥🔥

inej looks so done with everything im cryinf 😭😭😭

his smirk!! book accurate kaz is here please let his sarcastic side show 🙏🙏

jesper is so dramatic and for WHAT

ugh not to be mean but everytime non crows come on screen i get so bored

i need them to show zoya she interests me

how the hell is hitting alina supposed to make her powers work 💀💀

WHAT IS KAZ WEARING LMAOO

I CANT STOP LAUGHING

inej is so cool the coolest this is why shes my favorite

eating up my 2.2 seconds of kanej banter 🙏🙏 inej definitely knew it was him lmao

nina mention whoo!!! they better actually show her

i need this conductor person GONE he keeps acting like hes part of the crew but hes not and we all know it

NINA IS SUCH A QUEEN I LOVE HER 🔥🔥🔥

"that you kill us. every chance you get" DAWG HAVE YOU SEEN YOURSELF

lmfaoo now kaz is the one who looks so done 💀💀 the side eye is crazy

NOT THEM SAYING "SHUT UP JESPER" IN SYNC #relationshipgoals 😍😍 (i think i watched this scene like 10 times)

"friends" Shut up

THE FUCKING EYE CONTACT I CANNOT BREATHEEEEE

THE WAY THEY NEVER TOOK THEIR EYES OFF EACH OTHER NOT EVEN ONCE!!!!!

I LOVE THEM 😭😭😭 SM 😭😭 another scene which i watched 10 times

but also "friend"?? inej babe stop lying to yourself

HELP NOT KAZ GLARING AT EVERYONE WHOS ADMIRING HER 💀💀

"i'll make my own way" haha you just have no talents

YEAH ALINA PUNCH THE SHIT OUT OF HER SHE DESERVES IT!!!

ah so that explains the matching scars. interesting

oh my god this scene makes me so uncomfortable... LIKE GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER!! GET A JOB 🗣️🗣️

and the way he literally dragged her forward?? weirdoo

mals little bro pal dudes are so boring and annoying who even allowed them to get screen time 😐😐

YESSS alina finally stopped pining over mal i mean im not opposed to the ship or anything but like. really all she did was talk abt him

i feel a teensy bit bad for mal tho 😭😭 like shes ready to get over him but hes not over her

wait but mal punching the quartermaster was so real... i feel a little more bad for him now IM STILL HAPPY FOR ALINA THO!!!

Oh damn when i said mals friends were annoying i didnt mean i wanted them to die ... 💀

EXCUSE ME WHAT DO YOU MEAN ITS OVER?? WHAT ABOUT THE CROWS WHY DIDNT THEY SHOW UP AGAIN 💔💔

i think im getting a little more invested in alina's storyline now!! which is good

[fateology]

1 + 15?

HI to the two of you c-:

1. book you’ve reread the most times?

Oh God I fear the answer to this im pretty sure i have to say Nora sakavic all for the game series. Because I ripped an epub of it to kill time in class back in sec school and I just had it on my laptop ready to look at when I got bored so I read it a lot I literally cannot say much to defend it at all because it’s like. Simply not good. But also you have to understand that it is even if it isn’t. like if you need practice suspending your belief and you love sports with dramatic interpersonal team situations like me it’s perfect. Also if you like the clock motif in Goncharov Neil Josten did the trapped in a life of violence with your pipe dream of safety and escape slowly ticking away thing too and served cunt

15. recommend and review a book

YAYYYY alright let’s go with Jonathan strange & Mr Norrell I’m gonna copy paste stuff I wrote on my Instagram and like edit it a little

JS&MN was the most entertaining book i read in a while despite its length (if you liked Piranesi you might not like it as much, they’re quite different although both distinctly by the same author). What Clarke is really good at is evoking scene/situation/detail in a way that’s almost cinematic, makes for really great tableaux in that you can picture any Clarke scene as a sexily composed charcoal illustration, which JS&MN has! seriously here’s a speedrun: tarot cards drawn with the same eerie card every time, the sound of dolorous bells from another world, a proper lady shooting someone in the middle of a perfectly white snow day, this guy steps out of a mirror and then several, great stuff

She also writes with this particular restraint that’s very british where the humour and the horror and the mystique are all measured exactly - in the book there’s a sort of slow descent from frivolous victorian society to the fucked up underworld necromantic shit strange gets up to during the napoleonic wars and her tone fits both. Not to mention how sexy the necromancy was. The Duke of wellington is there. Goya does a chalk drawing Strange surrounded by corpses

Though honestly i think the best part of the book were the footnotes i love the depth of the scholarship clarke creates and especially the small folk tales about john uskglass/the raven king because like for the whole book she builds this mythology around him and (spoiler of sorts) honestly i expected there to be a grand climax where he shows up and does some kind of showy plot relevant display but his actual appearance is like only quietly extraordinary and the one person who sees him doesn’t even remember the encounter because at this point uskglass has receded into his myth such that he’s become intangible and the plot (which is about its titular characters first and foremost) can’t extract him from his status as a folk hero because that would take away the power he has over english magic

Ultimately though JS&MN is about people who have been deprived of their autonomy and voice reclaiming hold on the narrative and it’s really satisfying as a whole story. As characters Strange and Norrell are less remarkable to me than Stephen Black/Childermass/Lady Pole etc and when the storylines converge and resolve the length of the book feels deserved; the ending isn’t fully closed though and the balance of bittersweet is really good. It’s 782 pages and I liked all of them

[sinkix]

~ Haikyuu!! Boys baking with reader - Ft. Ushijima, Tendou, Oikawa, Hinata & Nishinoya ~

YO! SO UHHHH... I’M BACK??? I GUESS?? MAYBE??? After a little break I had this in my drafts for a while and realllyyy wanted to complete it since it’s such a cute concept. Honestly at this point my posting frequencies are so sporadic and random pls forgive me lmao.

@deathcab4daddy​ gave me the inspo to include Ushi and it was so funny coming up with ideas for him, he is no.1 country boi chef 

Dude I’m listening to the Mario Kart soundtrack ‘Coconut Mall’ while I continue writing this someone save me. Like u think I’m joking. UR WRONG.

Ushijima:

The most straightforward yet idiotic baker you will ever come across.

Before you even THINK about performing step 1, he will read the entire fucking leaflet like it’s a Shakesperean monologue.

INGREDIENTS INCLUDED.

LIKE SIS I DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW IT CONTAINS  MONOCALCIUM PHOSPHATE THANK YOU.

I’m surprised he doesn’t count every single particle in the brownie mix.

You bought him a frilly cupcake-printed apron stating ‘best wife’ not expecting him to actually wear it

But since he’s secretly a big softie and treasures anything you buy he wears it proudly.

His stoic and dignified disposition is a comical contrast to the words printed on the front lmao.

Ushi best wifey bro.

The tight fit of the apron is pretty hot since it outlines every ridge of his pecs and tightly toned torso.

Gotta resist groping your mans while stirring the brownie batter.

tbh he’s more likely to grope you, he can’t resist that a$$.

And let’s face it he’s def an ass/thigh kinda guy.

Can and will try to casually initiate some form of unholy activities by lifting you up onto the kitchen counter, goading you to slowly lick the spoon and locking gazes before pulling you in for a deep, open-mouthed kiss to get a taste of the incomplete creation himself.

Ushi’s lips and brownie batter are a knock-out combo js.

Literally has the most serious face when he’s cracking the eggs into the bowl

The amount of concentration is equivalent to that of when he’s performing a serve at match-point.

HAS to set the temperature to the EXACT degree stated on the box

Everything is done by the book if you do one thing out of place he will pull you up on it lol.

“(Y/N) you were supposed to stir it for 5 minutes, not 7.”

When its done you feed him some and he can’t help but smile its so ADORBALE AHHH.

You end up eating most of it since Ushi doesn’t strike me as much of a chocolate/junk food lover.

STILL A VERY FUN BUT F R U S T R A T I N G EXPERIENCE.

Tendou:

The complete opposite of Ushi

Does everything wrong and the unconventional way.

Absolute disaster but doesn’t even sweat it since Tendou basically thrives in chaos and the disorderly.

To him instructions are purely equivocal, will read them for five seconds then toss them away.

Step aside Gordon Ramsey, Chef Tendou is here.

Despite doing everything the unorthodox way it still comes out amazing.

Like??? how???

Will cheekily place a dollop batter on your nose then lick it off fh3jkeffefds

Or if he’s feelin’ a lil freaky, he’ll swipe it off with his long ass finger and make you suck it clean, smirking at your submission as you coat his finger with your saliva.

oop-

Constantly cracking jokes and shitty food puns, pretending to drop the bowl to make you go into preemptive cardiac arrest before you can swat him with the spatula.

While you’re waiting for the timer to ping, Satori being the schemer he is will use this as an opportunity to pull some fuckery and tease you in any way he can.

u better be praying like bodhisattva TanaNoya rn because he is MERCILESS.

Suggestive comments, the brush of his fingers against your thigh, it’ll leave you A C H I N G in frustration by the end of it.

Unholy activities aside, once your baking session is completed you finish it off by feeding PHAT forkfuls of brownie to each other and giggling like dorks when it gets all over your mouth.

The jackass actually got a fingerful and SMEARED it over your cheek and forehead, drawing a little cross and snickering when the crumbs fall onto your nose.

Tendou was smart to draw a cross bc he gonna need jesus with the ATTACK you launch on him after that, which promptly leads to an all out food war in your kitchen that neither of you want to clean up after ward.

Don’t worry though it’s Tendou, he’ll somehow find a way to make such a mundane activity fun.

Nishinoya:

stirs WAY TOO VIOLENTLY

IT’S LIKE AN ELECTRIC WHISK ON OVERDRIVE.

IT WILL SPLATTER OVER THE COUNTER, CUPBOARDS AND EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR WITHIN A 1 MILE RADIUS.

You best believe he will try and eat some of the batter and you have to swat the spoon away from his mouth since he has NO REGARD FOR THE FACT HE COULD GET SALMONELLA.

Plus you know what Noya’s like once he starts eating something the whole thing will be gone in a matter of milliseconds.

He somehow managed to get Baking powder EVERYWHERE and even gave him self a little moustache with it.

The white substance kinda looked like something else but you didn’t really wanna say lmaooo.

could explain why he has so much energy all the time oK ILL STOP-

While you’re putting the mix on the tray he is SO extra and will do fancy lil swirls and over extend his arm like a swan to gracefully spread the batter

until he nearly fucking knocks it over.

During processing time since he is so excitable and impatient you best believe he’s gonna suggest a game of ping pong or something because my guy can well and truly never sit still.

ping pong match with the spatulas, kitchen island and a hard boiled egg.

Pls be careful he will rolling thunder that egg and pimp slap it so hard with the spatula it’ll damn near give you a concussion, not intentionally, but like protect your noggin. Wear a helmet.

For the remaining 5 minutes of baking time y’all just sit like kids in front of the oven and watching it rise like starved hyena’s observing it’s pray before demolishing it into sad particles of cocoa.

And lemme tell u, once the timer pings, that baking tray is free real estate for Noya. Half of your creation will be devoured before you can even put it on a plate and marvel at your handiwork. 

He kicked your ass at spatula ping pong btw I’m sorry sweaty but short kings stay winning.

Oikawa:

Such a dramatic bitch like he got the whole she-bang going on.

Strapped with a pink apron, a whisk at his side and standing proudly with both hands on his hips.He is prepared like a greek gladiator going into battle.

You better believe he gonna make some snarky remarks and tease your method of doing things. 

“Ah-ah-ahhh (Y/N)-chan you’re doing it all wrong, let me show you how a PRO does it.”

Proceeds to drop entire bowl on his foot and yelp like a little girl in pain.

Well and truly embarrassed with himself, you put a band-aid on his toe and he piped down after that.

Shattered big toe and mixing bowl aside, actually a really good baker??

He is a PRO at decorating, y’all decided on cupcakes since its literally his forte to make them look aesthetic and pretty.

You almost don’t wanna eat them from how good they look.

jk almost

You take it in turns breaking bits off and placing pieces into each others mouth with a loud “aaaaaahhh!”

Places a piece in your mouth, leans forward and locks lips with you in a soft, passionate kiss before pulling away and uttering the words “It tastes even better coming from your mouth ;)”

hnnnNNGGGGGGggGg.

You both whine and bicker over who cleans up after.

“You cleaaannnnn!”

“no Toru YOU clean!”

“but I made the cupcakes look pretty :(”

“not as pretty as you <3″

He did the cleaning after that.

Like just stroke his ego with some compliments and he’s whipped with a smug grin on his face for the next 30 minutes.

You decide to save the rest and bring them to his next practise.

Literally on the verge of tears when he sees you beaming and holding the platter of treats, Kiyotani mauls half of them in a matter of seconds to which Oiks gets salty over LMAO.

Hinata:

So excited oh my god he’s so precious please protect him I will CRY-

Has a little sunflower apron on and JBJKNDDDKDW IM SMILING JUST IMAGINING HIM FIDGETING IN EXCITEMENT OVER THE THOUGHT OF BAKING COOKIES.

Yes you decided on cookies bc he goes rabid for some choc chip biccies.

You have to guide him v carefully because of how easily confused and clumsy he is.

Cannot for the life of him crack the eggs without getting a quarter of the shell in the bowl so you have to do it instead.

Has a surprising amount of strength and forearm power bc holy shit boy can stir FAST.

Hums a little tune while he does it and bobs up and down with a wide grin on his face it’s so adorable, he has such a gentle singing voice I can’t-

Attempts different shapes with the batter when pouring it onto the tray but fails pretty miserably lol.

he tried ok???

Once they’re done he takes the tray out of the oven and since it was heavy, subconsciously propped it with his knee and nearly dropped the entire tray from the pain. (I’ve actually done this before when making chicken nuggets I do not advise being that brain dead)

Had to put some burn cream on the bbies knee :’((

When you decided to dig in, he handed you a cookie that looked like a crooked circle and said he tried to make that one a heart and insisted he feed it to you.

Blushed VERY hard at the moment of silence and intense eye contact while he fed it to you.

Nearly short circuited when his fingers brushed against your lips.

Moe moe x100000000000000000000000000000

You offer to do the cleaning after because he hurt himself and you didn’t wanna make him do any work, but he still offered to wipe the surfaces for you bc he’s an angel <333

literally just wanna marry him.

[chrismaverickdotcom]

The Melodrama Between Us (The Mountain Between Us Review)

So a big movie was released today and I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for me to talk about it. I’ve been waiting for it for quite a while. Ever since the trailer first came out and it just looked awesome. Obviously I’m talking about The Mountain Between Us. What else were you thinking? Wait, there was another big movie that came out today? Bah, who cares about that? Ok, fine… I saw it too… I’ll get to it later. But I’m going to do them in the order I saw them in.

So yeah, I actually was looking forward to this one from the moment I saw the trailer. It just seemed like a cool concept. Based on the book of the same name, it is the story of two strangers, Idris Elba and Kate Winslet, are trying to get home when their flight is cancelled. He’s a doctor with a very important surgery scheduled in the morning. She’s a photojournalist trying to get home from assignment because her wedding is tomorrow. So they charter a plane only to have it crash in the mountains and then they must rely on each other for survival. Drama ensues.

Or melodrama.

This is one of those films that it is more or less impossible to review without spoilers. I usually hate to give spoilers, but really the basic premise of the movie is pretty much right there in the marketing material. I already gave you the basic concept. Except for the “twist.” Honestly, I don’t think most people who bother to read my reviews are going to go see this anyway, so i figure it’s ok to spoil it. But this is your last warning. So if you don’t want to know, I’m about to tell you. Are you ready?

They fall in love.

Stunned, aren’t you? You’re not? You expected it all along by virtue of the fact that the movie stars Idris Elba and who’s not going to fall in love with him if you’re trapped on a  mountain? You expected it all along by virtue of the fact that the movie stars Kate Winslet and pretty much every movie she’s ever been in has been about someone falling in love with her. Yeah… well, that’s kind of a problem with the film.

See, it’s not really a survival thriller. That really should surprise anyone, even though it was kind of marketed that way. The film just sort of screams “chick flick” even though it’s pretending not to be. And it’s not just a chick flick. It’s damn near a Lifetime movie. Only it’s a lifetime movie produced on a $35million budget. It probably didn’t need to be.You didn’t need stars of this caliber to make the movie work. In fact it would have been fine with some aging stars from 90s, like any other Lifetime movie. In fact it might have been better.

Not better acted. The nice thing about the film is that Winslet and Elba are really fucking good actors. And they give it everything they’ve got for this movie. It’s just that script isn’t up to it. It’s not bad or anything. It’s just that there’s not much to it. The plane crash happens pretty early on and then there’s a lot of exactly what you might expect from a  survival movie. You know, a lot of man (and woman) vs the elements with quite a bit of “we need to move or we might die” vs. “we should stay here so that the rescuers know where to find us” and throw in a dose of “but no one is looking for us because no one knows we were here since we didn’t file a flight plan.” This might be a little compelling except for its all just overly obvious and convenient and was all ruined but the trailer. So you pretty much just see it all coming and it seems kind of forced. And two lesser actors could have gotten away with it maybe. But part of me just couldn’t help feeling that Elba and Winslet could both do better than this, and it kind of distracted me from he film. In fact, I had a hard time forgetting that I was watching those two actors, which is why I keep referring to them by their real names and not their character names.

On top of that, they’re both very very attractive, and so you spend a lot of the movie just waiting for them to fuck.

See… I say stuff like that a lot. I’m all about fucking. I think everyone should fuck. Really, fucking is great. If you haven’t tried it, I highly recommend it. And see, from the moment the plane crashed and they were stuck together just sitting in the snow with nothing to do for several days, I found myself asking “why aren’t they fucking? God knows if I were trapped one a mountain with that dreamy Idris Elba, I’d fuck him… I mean, that dreamy Kate Winslet… yeah, that’s what I meant… really… I’m straight, I swear…”

But see, I think stuff like that all the time. I’m always looking for sexual tension. And a lot of times people say I’m just writing sex int things where it has no place.

And then they fuck.

Yep. Did you see that twist coming?. You did? Yeah… I thought so.

It’s sort of unsatisfying really. It feels a little artificial. They’ve been trapped together on this mountain for like a month. Becoming friends and growing closer as they rely on each other. But not really romantically. The film actually does a pretty good job of not making it all about sex for the first half. But after a month of being bored, they have a small argument, and the Idris says he needs to get some firewood. But instead Kate kisses him and then he forgets all about firewood and they have some nice grimy, haven’t showered in a month mountain sex. You know, as you do.

Then they make their way down the mountain and are rescued. The lesson here kids, is that if you’re ever trapped int he wilderness with someone, fuck right away. It gets you back to civilization faster.

Really, they have to make it down the mountain… because if they don’t how else will Kate be reunited with her fiancé? Because that totally has to happen so that there can be some new drama between her and Idris’s relationship. Oh yeah… he loves her now. Did I mention that? Apparently because she fucks real good. Seriously, we’re not really given much more reason than that.

This is kind of a thing with movie sex. Movies want sex to always be about a relationship. And I mean, fine, I get that some people need a relationship to want to have sex. But they’re not the same thing. And this movie, like many others (I complained about it in my Wonder Woman review), uses sex as sort of a short cut to say “and so they’re in a relationship now.” “They’re totally in love!” “They must be together because of how they had sex that one time!” It doesn’t work like that. Seriously, someone volunteer. I will totally fuck you. You’ll have a great time. And yet I assure you, we won’t be in love… at least no more than we were before. Or at least I won’t be. And that might have made the movie better. If they had gotten down the mountain and Idris was totally in love because that was some quality fucking and Kate had just said “Dude, sorry… I mean, the fucking was great and all, but I had been trapped on a mountain near death for a month and I just got really horny. So I’m going to go get married now. See you when I see you!” And roll credits. Now THAT would have been a good twist.

But that’s not what we get. Instead, the film decides that as an audience we need a romantic subplot that resolves in a happy ending. So when they get down the mountain, Idris wants to profess his undying love. But the fiancé is there, so he doesn’t. So Kate goes off with fiancé and Idris never returns her calls because he doesn’t want to get in the way of the marriage. And this shit goes on for another half an hour at least. It’s supposed to be dramatic. We’re supposed to feel torn up because these star crossed lovers can’t be together. Instead, I just kind of feel bad for her fiancé because dude seems kind of nice and he really has no idea what’s going on. After Kate eventually leaves him, she meets up with Idris for dinner so they can discuss their relationship and how they fell in love on the mountain — yes, they both say it in these words because apparently they saw a different movie than I did — but they can’t be together because… umm… reasons? Like, I guess… I mean, there’s no good reason at all, Kate just announces that they’ve both moved on even though they haven’t, and when Idris tries to say that he hasn’t, she walks away from him… so they both walk off in opposite directions lamenting the love they lost (you know, from that one time they fucked)… and they get a block away from each other before they realize that this is stupid and there’s actually nothing stopping them from being together, so they both turn and run back to each other so they can finally be together! I think… the film cuts to black and rolls credits just before they kiss each so they probably got together… or maybe an asteroid destroyed the earth. It’s actually not totally clear.

That said, I didn’t actually hate this movie. It’s hard to say it’s bad because Elba and Winslet really do a  good job with what they have to work with… at least up until that their act where they’re off the mountain and there are no stakes whatsoever. It’s a melodramatic waste of time, but they do their best to sell it without overacting. In fact, their performances are almost subtle given what they’re working with. If you’re a survival movie fan, it’s kind of by the numbers, except for the last act which will annoy the hell out of you. If you’re romance melodrama fan, its probably a little slow and you might feel like it drags a bit. But on a good note, you get to see Kate Winslet and Idris Elba fuck, and that’s worth something, isn’t it?

★★⅖☆☆ (2.4 out of 5 stars)

I promise I’ll review that other movie when I wake up.

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The Melodrama Between Us (The Mountain Between Us Review) was originally published on ChrisMaverick dotcom