#WE ARE GETTING THEM OUTTTTTT

[oshaskell]

[pupkou]

i’m literally going to **** ******

[shhhsecretsideblog]

You can't be pushing now. I lean forward and maneuver my hand so I can get my fingers into your pussy. You squirm as my fingers go through your swollen, then a small whimper when my two fingers reach my cervix. You're 10 centimeters. I hide my fear as best I can. If you pushed, this baby was going to shoot through you fast. My mind races, searching for any solution that the OB handbooks and websites listed. Most of them involved drugs that we obviously didn't have. Dehydration and sitting so baby was being pulled down probably weren't helping you, but it wouldn't matter if you thought you could and should push. Make up my mind right there. You don't want our baby on a plane and I'd make it so you didn't as best as I could.

"Resist pushing."

"I don't think I can anym-"

"Don't push you're only 7 centimeters dilated. You can make it, ok," I snap and grasp your hand. "Trust me."

You look at me for a moment then nod. Your eyes were watery, red. It hurts to lie to you like this.

"My love, if you can, I need you to shift on your side. It should slow contractions, for a bit maybe."

We just have to hope the stewards don't notice. You shift slightly, you can't fit your bump between the arm rests but I hope the shift in position is enough. I give you my water and dab the sweat from your brow.

~~~

The changed position didn't last long. The stewards reprimanded us for being in unsafe positioning and had you back in your seat proper after two hours. I have no idea if it helped but last time I checked you the head had only moved a bit in your canal. Your breathing was low, deep, and hastening as you resisted the urge to push. Your face squenches hard, but you maintain the facade of the uncomfortable pregnant lady to the stewards when they pass.

I keep lying about how slow your dialation is with the hope it would help with your resistance. We're so close now. So close...

[Part I]

It was our first baby, my first pregnancy, I didn’t know what to expect… but oh god the pressure. I didn’t expect so much pressure. I did my best to breath through the contractions, which felt constant at this stage, barely any time between them.

I was panting through my nose and groaning behind my closed mouth. My legs were wide apart in the narrow chair, my bump sat heavily between my thighs and brushed against the damp cushion. As I held my contracting dome with both hands, I ignored the overwhelming desire to push. You said I was only 7.5cms dilated, you told me I wasn’t ready to push, and I put all my faith and trust in you, unable to think of anything besides my breathing. And holding off from pushing.

Even though I was not dilated enough, the baby felt like it was one push away from coming out. It felt like the head was right there, bulging my lips, but it couldn’t be. I wasn’t dilated enough for that. Breathe. Don’t push. Breath. Don’t push.

My head lolled onto your shoulder, my body exhausted and trembling. You wrapped your arms over my bump before one hand disappeared beneath my shorts.

“Ohhhhh babe I really need to p-pushhhh….” I whimpered as you examined me again.

“Not yet, you’re not dilated enough.” You assured and kissed the side of my sweaty face.

“A-are you s-sure?” I panted quietly. “It feels like it’s coming outttttt…..mnghhhhh!” Suddenly I’m pushing.

“No! Stop pushing!” You cried and put your hand between my legs again.

“I can’t help it- oh fuck nghhhhhh!”

“Ok if you need to push, just small pushes. Quietly.” You say and I can feel the counter pressure you're making at my opening. But I don’t question it, consumed by the green light you gave me to push.

My chin is on my chest, my arms are grabbing the arm rests, and I bear down silently spreading my legs wider.

“Oh it’s coming out…” I gasp.

“No it’s not.” You say confidently, before adding under your breath “I won’t let it.”

[darcyfangirlsfrequently]

my reactions to episode 6 of season 2 of criminal minds evolution

spoilers under the cut!

the alarms blaring and dead people everywhere just reminds me of the way "Saturday" begins

Okay I thought this was real until I saw Luke shot and half dead on the floor. Yay for Tara being so concerned though, TarVez besties canon!!

Okay when they said we'd hear prentiss singing, this is NOT what i had in mind

JESUS christ wtf is this

Aww I love seeing Penelope take care of her friends

Luke and Penelope being beside each other in a frame 🥰 getting my garvez crumbs where i can

Tara Lewis you are SO pretty

Penelope knowing her dad is at the end of his rope and being SO patient with him 😂😂 (also, luke, i see you staring at her)

Is Rossi about to have a fucking breakdown in the middle of the BAU?? I can't handle that

Luke following Penelope into her office YESSSSS

Oops i guess not. that's jj.

Penelope there is one person on this team i can understand you struggling to look at... JJ isn't them. what's going on?

"It's between beige and bad kissing" well penelope i feel like if you got with a certain someone you'd never have to deal with that again

JJ reading her besties to shit. I love my OG BAU girls

Penelope you are NOT ALLOWED TO BE JEALOUS

tyler's ex is so pretty tho

Luke wipe that smirk off your face 😂

"Even more awkward than you working with Tyler is him working with me" Luke do you HEAR yourself??? You are outing yourself and your feelings even more. You are ADMITTING your jealousy

"Luke we need you in here" not even TWO SECONDS LATER i knew it was coming but it's still funny

PENELOPE GARCIA DID YOU JUST TOUCH HIS ARM????

Penelope's "oh" upon finding out who teresa is. this is just a group of exes up in here

Tara 🤝 Emily wives calling Dave out for not going to therapy

Soft Tara and Dave!! I love them.

ROSSI WORDLESSLY REACHING OUT FOR TARA'S HAND I AM IN SHAMBLES

JJ sneaking a cheeto 😂 i'm glad there are SOME consistencies in this show

High Emily is just Paget

Emily is so right about salt and vinegar chips. They're the BEST.

Does a picture of sergio in the background count for my sergio square on my bingo card?

Tara and Emily having the same middle name canon

"I didn't know super hot latina was your type" Well, Penelope, now you have something in common

TYLER setting boundaries i love to see it.

Mutual airing of exes... now i wonder if she brought Luke up or hid that particular detail

Wait shit I was half joking in my fic when I said tyler was still in love with teresa, but if he fr is i will be so happy and rooting for them

luke having to ask the ex of the ex of the love of his life what the story is with her and said ex

"I had a thing for army guys" NO NO NO IF THEY TRY TO MAKE TERESA AND LUKE A THING I WILL FLIP

luke's heart eyes watching penelope's presentation

oh she's calling tyler OUTTTTTT

"81% of stalking victims are stalked by someone they know." Two things. 1. Love Luke getting his Spencer Reid moments and getting to be smart. 2. THIS IS A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY TO TALK ABOUT ALEXEI STANOVICH AT SOME POINT

"sticky chemistry that is in the room between us all" means Penelope is acknowledging the her and luke stuff as well

LESS awkward to do boys with boys and girls with girls??? Penelope are you KIDDING???

"that's the less awkward option?" tyler i feel you

Luke's face is like "babe are you KIDDING i just told you me working with him is so awkward"

"For me and Teresa it is" icon

Tyler HAS to know that there is something Garvezy happening, because he and Luke seem to be the only people grasping the true awkwardness of this situation

oh so this is NOT emily's first time high. Temily writers i would like fics about them getting high together please and thank you

"I'm quitting" fucking LIES you won't leave them like that

WEED LACED CHEETOS??? DO THOSE REALLY EXIST???? god poor jj

"now being around him i know he's over me because i don't feel it anymore" i know penelope's ensuing awkwardness is supposed to be because she DOES still feel it with tyler or whatever, but i'm choosing to believe it actually has her thinking about Luke

"a list of everyone you've ever made angry" luke babes you are going to be at the TOP of that list

okay i have been WAITING for this tyler/luke fight

oh tyler did NOT use luke being a ranger against him

wtaf is this conversation. i'm living for it but it's WEIRD

HAHA voit's rossi impression

Bailey mention!!

Hate to see Rossi struggling. But I have to admit Voit's manipulation of him is so well done

Morgan AND Hotch mention. When's the last time we got a Morgan mention???

So they're finally talking about BAU-gate... and they're high. lovely.

The way Luke says "Penelope Garcia" and cannot even stop himself from smiling

omg luke finally speaking spanish!! (@lklvz how're you coping?)

Luke's grandmother mention!!

ugh they're so gonna try to make luke and teresa a thing. aren't they.

OH WHAT THE FUCK. TERESA CALLING LUKE TF OUT FOR BEING A PENELOPE SIMP WAS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED

OH MY GOD HE ACTUALLY JUST SAID HE LOVES HER

Also, Luke, wdym Penelope knows??? Bc i ASSURE you she does not

"it was a hard pass for both of us" LIES

noooooooooooooooooooo how did we go from something SO GARVEZ to teresa essentially asking him out? Lady he just said he's in love with someone else this will not go well for you

what is this video game conversation

maybe i'm just tired but i do NOT get what voit is alluding to with north star and stuart house

Tyler this feels kinda stupid

if i had a nickle for every time luke saved tyler's life, i'd have two nickles. which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice, right?

Luke and Tyler friendship arc???

okay. Jemilys, how are y'all doing? I might not get you, I might not be one of you, but I know you're losing it

OH EMILY KNOWS ABOUT THE MISCARRIAGE I'M SOBBING

If Teresa asks Luke out in front of Penelope i will SCREAM

So Penelope definitely thinks Luke/Teresa is a thing but I'm pretty sure that howl was her telling Luke to be brave and tell Penelope he loves her

oh THIS is where Jill comes in. I keep forgetting about her.

ahhh this was so good

[lovestory]

the rich and property investors get "free shit" and "handouts" beyond comprehension ESPECIALLY when it comes to taxes but whenever someone mentions wanting some kind of benefit for the lower/middle class that will assist them into living comfortably we get told to "work harder/work more" get the fuck outttttt lol

[raptorladylover6969]

VERY passionate rant under the cut

“The Handler has dino DNA‼️” “The Handler is a robot‼️” “The Handler is a Brooklynn clone‼️” GET OUTTTTTTT GET TF OUTTTTTT I AM SO SICK OF THE SAME. GOD DAMN. DOG SHIT THEORIES. IM TIREDDDD OF IT. ITS THE SAME THING EVERY TIMEEEEEEEE AND I HATEEEEE IT. I WANT NEW THEORIES. ONES THAT ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE. ONES THAT ARENT THE SAME FUCKING THEME ALL OVER AGAIN UGHHHHH.

One thing I hate about Jurassic World youtube channels is when it comes to theorizing abt characters, THEY DONT KNOW HOW TO ACTUALLY AND PROPERLY ANALYZE. It’s like they never payed attention in english class 😭 esp when it comes to The Handler, because yes offence, just saying, their “character analysis” videos are absolute shit. I was yapping abt this early with @koi-fish-boy

What I mean is, instead of coming up with new theories, these “theorists” just take already existing theories, slap it into a video, add some other info that is not even considered a character analysis but just info thats RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR FACES. The other worst part is, they never show any evidence to support their theories, they don’t make connections. They just go like “Oh The Handler blah blah creepy lady blah blah whats her deal? Blah oh shes probably part raptor or a clone blah blah blah k like and subscribe” GET OUT- 🗣️🗣️💥💥‼️‼️

I could debunk some of these theories right now even I am feeling THAT petty. “Brooklynn clone?” They don’t have the same facial structure, The Handler is 10x more paler, Brooklynn has a button nose while The Handler’s is straight, and have you taken into consideration that other blue eyed white ppl with freckles exist????? Brooklynn isnt the only white chick that exists 💀 “Dino x human hybrid?” this idea for a plot has been scrapped long ago. And even if she was a dino hybrid, she HAS to retain dino like features, like scales, vertical pupils, dino vocals, sharp teeth. NO, her having big eyes and pale skin DOES NOT = DINOSAUR FEATURES. Theres millions of people with big eyes and who are also sickly pale. “But she doesnt blink!” Yes tf she does I have the timestamps to prove it, she actually blinks A LOT considering the little screentime she has. “Robot??” We see her display humane emotions such as empathy in the final episode (I mean this theory itself has already been scrapped by countless ppl so 😼)

The problem here is that ppl dont reeeeealllllyyyy ANALYZE a character, they just observe the surface, find a couple of things here and there, and call it a day. They don’t use all of their senses when looking into a character, they only document what the naked eye can see. That is NOT what analyzation is about. Character analyzation is about digging DEEPER into the character, putting yourself in their POV, in their shoes, reading their facial expressions, their body language, spending hours playing back the same clips over and over again just to find new info, taking note of the dramatic lighting changes, the ambience, making connections, USING CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS TO UNBOX THE MYSTERYS OF SAID CHARACTER. Cmon guys did we learn nothing from Brooklynn??🤨🤨 like no joke me and @koi-fish-boy spent hours rewatching scenes with The Handler and found a BUNCH OF COOL NEW SHIT THAT NO ONE HASNT EVEN TALKED ABT YET.

People dont also seem to have enough balls to connect neuroscience to their theories, which is strange because incorporating psychology and the human brain, or any kind of science to a character analysis can rlly help with coming up with new theories. Why do you think MatPat’s theories were so good and interesting? It’s because he makes CONNECTIONS. He incorporates math, history, folklore, religion, and science into ALL OF HIS THEORIES. HE PUTS WORK INTO THEM. HE THINKS CRITICALLY.

All theories are valid, even the far-fetched ones, thats the whole point of a theory, its supposed to be crazy, but actually putting in the work to find evidence to support your theory WILL STRENGTHEN IT, and make it 100x more interesting. You can’t just introduce a theory without evidence to back it up, there needs to be at least 1 reason to even consider your theory plausible. Like the clone theory, I’m not entirely against it cuz cloning IS a thing in the JW universe, like that theory makes the most sense cuz its happened before, so why not again? I still think its absolutely crap, but I’ll admit, it makes sense. Why? Cause theres evidence to back it up.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk 🤗

[sweetangelanon]

I've talked about William before in the new time line being kind to the kids he previously killed. That at first it would just be a boss being seemingly extra nice to random customers.

I feel like, given this is his second chance and he def believes in superstitions if any of the previous kids are friends with his kids or Henry's kids he'll find new ways to... metal in their lives (for what he assumes in the better.*) and give gifts or just talk with the parents. Which is honestly sickening because he so clearly remembers what it was like to watch these families fall apart. In the past he was there patting their shoulders, comforting them, speaking on how they would find who did this and bring them to justice. And here he is again a fresh clean slate. Worming himself into their lives again but for a whole other purpose. One of the thoughts I had was with Fritz where he needs eye surgery done or something and his parents can't afford it. But, you know who can? William Afton baby and he pays for that shit. And Fritz dad is so tearful, thankful to him, begging him to just let him pay William back. Will just smiles like a kindly God, resting his hand upon the other man's shoulder and telling him he couldn't even think of accepting the money. He's just happy to know Fritz is okay. He still has beef with Cassidy though because of the bullshit she put him through LMAO. Mixed with him wondering if he could nurture her hate/rage to make her his new protegee.

Thinking about Oz who recognizes these faces, is meeting these kids that he read about in newspapers back in his time. Sometimes looks at them and remembers the gory descriptors on a radio recording he found on youtube. Between blinks he only sees dead bodies standing in front of him before they seem normal again. I don't know if he could ever really be... friends with any of them. I just feel like he'd freak out to much in front of them to the point all of the kids in the MCI are like "this kid is super weird....." like GOD GOD YOU DON'T KNOWWW YOU DON'T KNOWWWW. I can't get into charlie, I mean i can but also that is even worse. Because we know he kills Mary Ann, makes it seem like she disappeared/ran off. Henry falls into a depressive state, William convinces this man to move in with him an his family WHICH WAS ONE OF HIS BIGGER PLANS FROM THE START. He wanted a reason to move house so that his family wasn't in the same house that their life went 'wrong' at. He wanted a clean slate, a fresh start. And Henry's like "but Will I- I can't impose like this I just-" and Will just puts a finger to his lips going "shhh shh it's okay henry," brushing back a bit of his hair while smiling going "what are friends for?" and henry cries while william is inwardly like yess tehehe the man i've been obsessed with for years lives under my ROOF NOW YIPPEEE HE'S MINE FOREVER!!!!!!!

Which means he can get his hands on charlie and sam.

He didn't get sammy before because after mary ann died in the first timeline and henry kinda lost his mind folks were like "yeah we just don't think u are fit for taking care of a kid' and handed him off to his aunt.... Which aunt idk man not sure if I want to give henry a sister like he had in the books.... will have to think about it. Anyway they all get a bigger house obviously and while Oz is like "thank god I don't have to share a bedroom with Evan anymore" he's also like "oh shit oh fuck oh shit oh fuck" as there are now MORE people in the house and his autistic ass can NOT HANDLE CHANGE HE IS FREAKING THE FUCK OUTTTTTT. IT'S SO LOUD IN HERE HE'S SCREAMING FOR HELP HE'S BEGGING LET HIM OUTTTT. anyway yeah so like Henry basically becomes third parent. There's nothing romantic going on btw William's just obsessed with Henry and gay about it. This time around Amee is AWARE of these feelings since Will sat down and told her about how he felt/ that he was queer and it's a whole cry moment cuz he had never gotten around to really telling anyone back then about THE GAY THOUGHTS!!!!!! Henry sorta had an idea, the vibes you know but it was never openly discussed like it is in this new timeline. And she kisses him and tells him this doesn't change how she feels about him an that she still loves him to the moon and back an im gonna YARF over how sickly in love she is with him UGH.

Anyway this change brings upon the him nurturing the traits he sees as 'Henry's' in Charlie and Sammy so he can forget about Mary Ann ever being a thing. Everything is awful as the kids are unknowingly lead down a particular path that Will thinks is the right one for them and finds himself able to actally love them this time around. (I hate him!!!!!) Though during the process of trying to squish these two into his heart in the beginning if anything happened that didn't go to plan or he was annoyed he'd just close his eyes and think about how he murdered Charlie in the alleyway yikes.......... as a way to calm down..........

**When I was writing this out I had an example of an idea of what type of metaling he'd be doing. As we all know Fritz mom hates his ass rip. I'm thinking she's flat out cheating on her husband with another man because she hates the way her life is going and hates her 'defective' son. So yeah anyway William metaling and gives Fritz dad bread crumbs leading him on this hunt where in the end he finds out his wife has been cheating on him. So much upheaval happens because of it. William's like "well it's better like this she hated her kid anyway and was nothing but trouble I'm def making Fritz life better" and like yeah okay you have a point but also you do this in the meanest way possible dragging out this whole thing instead of just telling it to this man STRAIGHT. you could've come up with a lie that you saw her kissing some other dude while you where out BUT NOOOO NOOO HE JUST DRAGS IT OUT LIKE A LITTLE GAME AND IS GOING tehehe ur getting closer buddy!!!

[zoropookie]

i'll tell u what we better get with beidou because you can't make her say she loves us and then expect me not to have lesbian thoughts. like no bae i love U... good luck babe by chappell roan playing in my head constantly at them please zoropookie beidou x sweet melody y/n you can't take this away from me YOU CAN KISS A HUNDRED BOYS AT BARS

this took me outttttt are yall actually for real about the beidou stuff

[taralen]

PS: ANON 💌

YOU GOT MAIL! 📬

I SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING ≖‿≖

Sending me increasingly ROMANTIC [[Love Letters]] TO MY ASK BOX.

Do you know what you're doing?!?!?!?!11 YOU REALLY OUGHT TO BE CAREFUL.... ?! WHY? BECAUSE.....

You're starting to sound like the man of my dreams.

You have a little over 2.5k men to compete against [[no joke, I have that many following my dating profile, AND NO, I AM NOT SHARING IT]]. GUESS WHAT?! You already earn 100pts to my LOVE METER by just liking Spamton and specifically my depiction of him. That's a whole 100pts more than 99.9% of them!!!!

HOWEVER!!!! You have some ways to go before MAXING IT OUT. DO YOU GET IT, LOVER BOI?

IF YOU DO...... I will expedite my responses just FOR U!!!!!! THAT'S RIGHT. This is LIMITED TIME OFFER. I'll draw funni pictures and send [[EXPRESS MAIL w/ INSURANCE covering $1995 + 2 ]] ALL EXPENSES PAID.

IT'S YOUR MOVE. OH, I'VE MADE UP MY MIND. TIME IS RUNNING OUTTTTTT.

MAKE A MOVE! OHHH WE CAN'T GO ON.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND IT'S ALL IN YOUR H[Ə]A[-N]D$?

IT'S YOUR MOVE.

ok time to take a nap I'm tired af I got a bunch of blood drawn out of me RIP

[armandcock]

nah cause Daniel is such a very very bad person and armand is such a freak that every time they mention Alice in the 70s or 80s, assuming she was real, I lowkey get scared for her and even more cause knowing their (a/d) and their weird physiological games and the fact that at one moment she was prob caught between it 😰 if we ever see her (again assuming she's real) I'd be like girl get outttttt of thereeee. idk what happened if the 70s/80s or if they'll ever properly cover it but I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out to be an Actual Horror Movie

no duurhjsdh to be clear i do think alice was a Real Person Who Daniel Was Married To i just dont buy into the actually armand was alice theory, like im still not entirely convinced past dm happened outside of what we saw in 2x05 in the way it did in the books. outside of thst i agree 100% even outside of the horror movie vampires shit daniel is just Not A Nice Person & itd lowkey suck to be his wife he married to prove he Isnt A Homo. i dont super expect them to go really into depth about daniels past in s3 because its still lestats book being adapted but i hope we do get a nice little dm subplot... maybe with daniels family getting involved... idk! im excited!

[sherwoodknights]

SP 1999 EPISODE 6 LIVEBLOG

FINAL EPISODE OF SEASON 1 ARE WE READY????

Wahey more fancy coats for percy

God this auction is gonna be like waling on glass

Margot at the auction what sins will she commit

Robespierre and his men walking in like a boyband lmaooooo

FOP PERCY IS BACK Y'ALL

Percy basically just gave a 1700s "thank you captain obvious" to chauvvy

Oh no they're gonna arrest the doctor/baron

Wait why are there 2 sets of soldiers

OH SHIT ANDREW SAVED THE BARON LETS GO

Percy "master of snarky notes" Blakeney returns

Percy and Marguerite fighting is so cute again now I know it's fake

I know it's fake but get his ass Margot

DAUPHIN MY BELOVED WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO YOUUU

I don't know how to feel about Chauvelin and Marguerite's flirting

Oh no margots going to walk into something she doesn't want to see I bet

BITCHY ACTOR DRESSED AS A MAN WHAT SINS WILL THEY COMMIT

Please follow them i have to know what's going on

Oh no the silent but presumably deadly helper can see Marguerite investigating

And percy is into the secret club okay

"In this club everyone is adressed as monsieur" progressive Kings who don't judge we love to see it

THE SPOOKY MAN MASK IS IN THE DRESSING ROOM OOOOO

Is it bad that I could watch Richard E Grant play dice all day

He must be cheating somehow but I don't know how and I don't care

ACTRESS LADY HAS THE DAUPHIN CONFIRMED????

Sleebpy Blakeneys <3333

STEP AWAY FROM THE SMALL CHILD CHAUVELIN

Why does the Dauphin look fucking catatonic

So wait does CHAUVELIN have the Dauphin!?!?!?

Mmmm men with swords

Oh my god is chauvvy gonna rob Robespierre? what a legend

Oh no the actress is snitching on Marguerite smh

God Chauvelin make up your mind do you love her or hate her

Marguerite you are playing with fire and I like it

NO MARGOT STAY AWAY DONT GO TO DINNER WITH HIM

PLEASE GOD LEAVE WITH ANDREW DONT TRUST CHAUVELIN

OH FUCK HE WAS WAITING FOR HER

AND HE HAS A GUN

Yes percy you trail that woman

DAUPHIN PRECIOUS BOY PLEASE DRINK SOMETHING

"That'll be interesting, I've never been killed before" king shit right there

GO ON MY SON FREE YOURSELF AND GET THE FUCK OUTTTTTT

(PREFERABLY WITH PERCY)

Oh no she got percy

NEVERMIND HE GOT AWAY

What's he planning to do, win by giving her an existential crisis?

Oh nevermind he won by stabbing her to death

Oh they have broken my son so hard

THE WAY HE COLLAPSES INTO HUGGING PERCY <333333

CHAUVELIN GET THE GUN AWAY FROM MY WIFE

Uh oh he shot the Chekhovs fireworks like an idiot

"I hate you" *romantic kiss*

A mood tbh

THE RETURN OF COUGHY FUCKER'S COUGH?????

Chauvelin you sly fucker blaming her for everything

CHAUVELIN YOU SLY FUCKER TELLING EVERYONE THE DAUPHIN IS DEAD AND HAVING A FAKE DAUPHIN

Obligatory boat scene

ANDREW TEACHING THE DAUPHIN CRICKET <33333333

GOD THEYRE SUCH A GORGEOUS COUPLE AND I LOVE THEM

AND THATS A WRAP ON SEASON 1!!!!

Honestly I'm so glad I invested in this series, it's fun and goofy and makes me feel all the feels and I adore it!!

I won't be starting season 2 until next week at the earliest but my god I've had fun liveblogging so far and I will certainly be continuing in case anyone cares to hear my unhinged live thoughts

[bugmistake]

this turned into a whole thing so it's goin under a cut! talking about my cousin who was helping me thru some anxiety stuff

it's really rare that i feel loved and like. Seen by my extended family but my god when i feel it. it's like . an avalanche. i was on a plane with them recently and i am..... a nervous flier. turbulence is my absolute worst enemy. and my cousin was next to me on the flight and he was me kind of like. tensed up and shaking a little after a rough takeoff and he was like hey man. do you have headphones? and i said yeah but i forgot to download a podcast . and he was like ok and gave me one half of his wired headphones and played some very soothing synthpop and i crashed RIGHT out. and later after we landed i was like hey could you send me that playlist we were listening to on the plane? i really liked it! and he said oh it wasn't a playlist i was just queueing up songs i thought you would vibe with :) and i was like OH OKAY. THANKS! YOU'RE THE ONLY MOTHERFUCKER IN THIS CITY WHO CAN HANDLE ME.

also last christmas i got ... very very very high like toooooooo high and he held my hand cuz i was freaking outttttt and i fell asleep holding his hand. he rules. he's so chill. i cannot imagine being that calm.

and my other cousin (his brother) came and stood with me when i got pulled over by airport security and they rifled through my whole shit. like the full suitcase. and he didn't say anything he just stood there but it kept me from feeling like i was going to float away :~) anyways. it's nice to be around people who get it. also this cousin invited me to come stay with him and his girlfriend for a weekend in the summer ........ i am not used to feeling this close with family. it freaks me out a little! but 2024 is about vulnerability and doing scary stuff so im gonna DO IT!!!!!

[peachbokkie]

i’m actually sick to my stomach WE NEED TO GET OUTTTTTT like i need them to break free, go to college w ji, make more friends and just live a normal life like im about to throw up?!

AND I NEED TO KNOW FELIXS PAST LIKE WHAT HAS MY BABY HAVING NIGHTMARES LIKE THIS i was literally crying and i never cry and stories but it’s like,, they got it baddddd and i just want them to live peacefully so bad

part iv: bodyguard!felix x reader

masterlist.

PART I ; PART II ; PART III ; PART IV ; PART V ; PART VI ; PART VII ;

Your father hires an inconspicuous bodyguard to accompany you at school and supervise you at home. What seems like an innocuous change in routine eventually spirals into a forbidden romance that grows more passionate over the years.

pairing: lee felix/reader content info: smut. violence. parental abuse. situations of intense peril overall. forced proximity. enemies2lovers. angst with eventual happy ending. (chapter word count; 10k words)

warning for this chapter: the usual story dynamics plus explicit sexual content.

-

“All right, gang,” Jisung says.  “Final year of school together, you know what that means?” 

You and Felix are on your way to class when Jisung literally throws himself between you.  He hands each of you a print-out before you can answer his question or even say hello. 

“The Three Musketeers,” Felix reads.  “Peas in a Pod, Rule of Three…?”

“This is our final year as a best friend trio in the hallowed halls of high school,” Jisung says.  “And next year?  Who knows what happens!  Marriages!  Mortgages!  Babies!”

“Jisung, we just turned eighteen,” you say. 

“Which is almost nineteen, which is almost twenty, then we’re practically forty.”  He waves a hand around.  “The point is, this is our last opportunity to solidify a name.  For us.  For the group.  It’s necessary.” 

“Is it though?” Felix asks, squinting as he skims the sheet.  “BLT?  Who’s the bacon?” 

“I am, obviously,” Jisung says. 

“Why is that obvious?” you ask. 

“How is it not obvious, Lettuce?”  Jisung says, scandalized.  “Anyway, we can workshop the names.  This is just to get the ball rolling.  I expect results by lunchtime tomorrow at the latest.”    

Jisung continues his endearing but admittedly inane blather, at least until Hyunjin comes sauntering up the hallway like it’s a catwalk, then he just frowns.  Jisung has never warmed to the popular pretty boy and Hyunjin does not seem particularly inclined to rectify any bad impressions.  He is astoundingly self-confident. 

People move out of his way.  Some girls downright swoon if he deigns to cast them even a fleeting glance.  You can’t really judge any of them seeing as you were the same when Lee Minho still roamed these halls.  You are not totally immune to Hyunjin either, though your attention is somewhat scattered these days. 

You look at Felix. 

He is re-reading the class schedule for this year, mumbling reminders under his breath.  His hair is a sunny yellow blonde and freshly trimmed to frame his face, thanks to your help.  He was cutting his own hair which made sense, not just logistically but stylistically, seeing as it was often a shaggy mess.  You have taken to helping him so it looks a little neater. 

You look at the fuzzier hair on his nape, recalling how your fingertips pressed there as you tipped his head for a better angle.  

Your eyes meet when he looks up, but you are drawn apart when Hyunjin claps him on the shoulder with a greeting.  They sat beside each other for most of their first year and formed something of a friendship – only something, because the plucky, likable Australian transfer student is a fabrication.   

You once told yourself you would never fall for the schoolboy routine, that you would always remember his real identity, but you never considered what might happen if you cared for the real him anyway. 

“Heeey Fee-lix,” Hyunjin says in an emphasized, overly friendly way.  He draws out your name with the same saccharine pleasantness, all while ignoring a scowling Jisung.  

Hyunjin leaves before anyone can reply, but Jisung still thumps Felix on the arm. 

“Traitor,” he says.   

“What?  He’s nice,” Felix says, exchanging an amused look with you. 

“You know, Jisungie, maybe you’d get along better if you stopped trying to trip him everywhere he goes,” you say, pointing to Jisung’s presently outstretched leg. 

Jisung stands straight.  “He tried to kill me,” he says. 

“Not this again,” you say.  “Jisung, he didn’t know about your peanut allergy—”

“He tried to put his nuts directly into my mouth,” Jisung says, then groans miserably.  “That came out wrong.”  He spins his cap to tug the brim over his eyes.  “Do not repeat that.  The last thing I need is freshmen writing fanfiction about us.” 

You and Felix pat his back in a consoling manner.   

Felix sits behind you in class, dutiful as ever.  You are unpacking your bag when Hyunjin walks in with his girlfriend of the week.   Rumours about Hyunjin are in never-ending circulation and he seems to help them along.  You have caught him in a quiet moment once or twice, curled up in the library alone or lingering after hours in the art room, but that quieter soul seems contradictory to his showman side.   Even now, he starts making out with his girlfriend in the middle of the classroom.  

You can’t help but stare, mostly because the brazenness is so audacious that it is impossible not to stare, but it also makes you think.  You have never kissed anyone, though you have entertained countless fantasies that spiral far beyond kissing, and while you know you are young in abstract way… staring at a happy couple your age makes you feel jealous, desirous, and a little ridiculous.  Eighteen, nineteen, twenty, forty… 

Felix clears his throat and you realize you have been staring too long.

Not only that, but Hyunjin is staring back, even with his mouth pressed against someone else.  It feels like flames erupt inside you.  You drop heavily into your seat and stare at your desk, swallowing hard.   When you chance a look, Hyunjin is leaning back in his own seat, smiling at you. 

Felix clears his throat again. 

“What?” you ask, sharp. 

“Nothing,” Felix says, casual. 

You roll your eyes.  He kicks your chair.  You turn around and knock his textbook off his desk. 

“That’s not nice,” he says. 

You stick your tongue out at him. 

As seniors, you are allowed to leave campus for lunch.  The three of you make your way to a nearby sandwich shop, one naturally packed with most of the senior grade level.  You crowd into a tiny booth, so cramped you are halfway sitting on Felix’s lap.  Your mood sours as you let yourself wallow in self-pity, thinking about how normal girls get to sit on normal boys’ laps and be excited about it. 

You are sulking into your sandwich, thinking about how you are going to die alone and miserable and unkissed, when a chair is suddenly drawn up to your table and Hyunjin sits beside you. 

Jisung’s mouth is stuffed full of ham, which you know because he drops his jaw despite all the food.

Hyunjin does not remark on it.  He smiles at you and you alone. 

“Hey,” he says.   He really is stupidly handsome.  Even up close, you see no awkward blemishes, not a hair out of place.  His uniform tie is a little askew from tugging but that’s it.  

Jisung kicks you under the table, probably because you are just staring blankly at Hyunjin. 

“Sorry, hi,” you finally say. 

His smiles widens.  He tucks a bit of hair behind his ear. 

“Hey, I won’t bug you and your friends,” Hyunjin says, ignoring when Jisung mumbles too late under his breath, “but I want to walk you back to school after lunch.  Alone.”

You are so unprepared for the suggestion that find yourself staring again.   He taps your chin to lift your head, still smiling. 

“Is that a yes?” he asks.

“Uh, sorry, yeah, yes!  Yeah, sure.  Okay.”  You aren’t even totally sure that is your answer, but it rolls out of you instinctively.  Just as instinctively do you whip a startled look to your best friend.  Jisung’s mouth is still hanging open.   “Umm…” you say, but Hyunjin is already standing. 

“Great,” he says.  “See you soon.” 

You watch him walk away.  Jisung speaks through the food in his mouth, chokes, swallows, then clears his throat. 

“What was that?” he finally says. 

“I have no idea,” you reply, completely honestly. 

You cannot compute this situation at all.  Your approach to most social interactions is to scowl.  Because of your father’s many stringent rules, you have never had an opportunity to be truly social.  You play an appropriate role at the functions he forces you to attend, but that entails sitting alone in a corner and sipping soda.  Growing up, you were not allowed to spend time at anyone’s house or go anywhere without supervision, so maintaining friendships was next to impossible. 

The only exception has ever been Han Jisung.  You sat beside each other in your first year and your miserable countenance coupled with his anxious demeanour meant that you spent six months not even talking to each other.  Then one day he mustered the nerve to comment on the weather, you replied accordingly, and somehow that opened a floodgate to unleash the goofy boy that would become your best and only friend. 

Your social experience is limited to that.  You are someone who sits with your best friend in a corner, staring at an unattainable pretty boy at a distance, but you have never had to grapple with the reality of one asking for your attention. 

You look at Felix, but he has drawn a somber mask over his face.  He pokes at his sandwich.  He can’t lecture you in front of Jisung but you know he has something to say.  A part of you wishes it was jealousy or any personal feeling, but you know it will only be a reminder about your father, that he wouldn’t approve of you running around with any unknown boys.  

When you leave the shop with Hyunjin, you already know Felix and Jisung will follow close behind.  Felix has no choice, but you are certain Jisung will require little convincing.  You pretend you do not see them trailing six feet back, partially obscuring themselves in the occasional bush, but Hyunjin naturally looks at them. 

“You’re not…” he says slowly.  “You’re not dating… one of them… are you?  They’re really—”

“They’re just my crazy friends,” you say in an embarrassed rush.  “Jisung is like my brother, ew, I could never – ew.  Ew.  Oh my god, ew.   And Felix—” 

You woke this morning with Felix’s face nuzzled in the back of your neck.  The distance in that big bed closed long ago now.  You only sleep apart when your father is home.  You also never talk about it, not that you could articulate your feelings anyway.  The intimacy and companionship provides more comfort to your soul than you could ever say.    

You swallow. 

“I’m not dating Felix,” you say.  “I’m not dating anyone.”  This thought prompts you to look at Hyunjin.   Rather ungracefully, you blurt the obvious question, “Don’t you have a girlfriend?  Why are you talking to me?”

He laughs into his palm.  You realize belatedly just how accusatory you sounded, especially considering his attention might be wholly platonic.  Embarrassed, you trip over your words, your tongue a suddenly clumsy thing.

Hyunjin just giggles.

“It’s okay,” he says.   “No one ever calls me out like that.  I like it.”  He bumps shoulders with you.  Wait, is he flirting?  You have no idea.  You stare at the ground with laser intensity.  He just giggles again.  “We broke up before lunch—”

“Wow, you moved on fast,” you say.  Dry remarks tumble out of you easier than anything else.  You bite your tongue, embarrassed again. 

Hyunjin still looks amused.   

“It wasn’t really serious,” he says.  “I’m looking for some with similar life experience, to be honest…”

You crinkle your brow and look at him.  His hands are in his pockets, his slouch casual, but you swear his eyes sparkle when he looks at you. 

“I saw you,” he says.  “At that horse race thing.  This last weekend?  You were in the box with your dad, right?  Felix was with you too.” 

The horse race was an end-of-summer event your father sponsored, one of his community philanthropic efforts.  You spent the whole time frowning under a sun hat, only smiling when Felix muttered something scalding about a particularly overdramatic hat in the crowd. 

A crowd Hyunjin was apparently in. 

You have always known Hyunjin comes from money, but there is money and there is money.  The Hwang family might be rich but your father is powerfully wealthy.  You run in different circles.  You have never seen Hyunjin at any event so you would never even think to look for him.   They must be moving up in the world. 

Your mouth opens but nothing comes out, not even a dry retort. 

“It’s okay,” Hyunjin says.  He touches your shoulder and your attention zeroes in there.  You can’t decide if you like him touching you.  An hour ago you were idly daydreaming about kisses and touches, but the reality is a different thing.   It took you a long time to warm to Felix, bit by bit, touch by touch.  Even those touches terrify you in their own way.  You are scared of needing them.  You do not know how you can simultaneously desire touch and fear it more than anything. 

Hyunjin uses a soothing tone, drawing your gaze away from his hand. 

“I get it,” Hyunjin says.  “You don’t want people to know you’re rich, right?  Honestly… I think that’s really cool of you.   My dad likes to show-off so I guess I kinda do the same.”  You glance at his brand-name leather satchel.  “Everything is about appearances to him.  It doesn’t even matter what’s true as long as everything looks the way he wants.  There’s an… image… for the family.  And I’m an only child so there’s expectations.  Maybe I’m not making sense.”

“No,” you say, your thoughts drifting to your own home life. “It makes sense.” 

“I thought maybe you and me could hang out—”

“I don’t really hang out a lot,” you interrupt.  You have been able to spend more time with Jisung now that Felix can accompany you, but it has been at cafes and other controlled locations.  You have not gone to any parties since your father beat Felix.  He has never hurt him as badly as that first incident, but he has struck him more than once.  You have not taken the risk. 

“Think about it at least,” Hyunjin says.  “Think about me.  I think we could be a good match—”

“You mean…”  It might be ungenerous, but you weigh his words and form a conclusion.  “If you date someone like me, it will get your father off your back?” 

He is quiet for a second, surprised, then he laughs again.  He finally drops his hand.  His next smile is a little lopsided but more genuine. 

“Maybe we could help each other,” he says. 

“I didn’t say I need any help,” you reply.  You cannot help the way you bristle, like a vulnerable animal rearing its defensive spikes.  “You don’t know me.”

“I know me,” he says.   “And I recognize… well.  Think about it.”  He looks behind you, his features scrunching with clear repugnance.  “I’m gonna go before your not-boyfriend pops a blood vessel.  Talk to you later?” 

You are still processing the whole exchange but you manage to nod.  He turns on a swift heel and struts ahead. 

You turn, expecting to find Jisung frothing at the mouth given Hyunjin’s departing words.   But it is Felix silently seething, Jisung just cringing beside him. 

Felix cracks his own neck, a couple sharp jerks, then he forces that empty smile onto his face.  

When you are settled in the car at the end of the day, you are not surprised his first words are, “You know I have to tell your father if you start seeing some guy, yeah?” 

“Some guy?” you say just as icily.  “You know his name.”

You have been on edge on all afternoon, discombobulated from the exchange with Hyunjin.  Felix has been unusually silent, so rigid and ungiving that he reminds you of that mysterious fourteen year old boy who barely did more than blink. 

But he is not that boy.  You are both growing.  You can feel the seconds passing you by, every aching minute that your life does not change from its stagnation, every moment of his own life that Felix has surrendered.

You want to jump out of the moving car.  You want to slide across the seat and bury your face in Felix’s neck, no matter that someone can see, and you want him to hug you back. 

You stay seated. 

“Do what you want,” you say with a sigh.  

He sighs too, resting his forehead against the car window. 

The house is empty tonight.   You can’t concentrate on homework so you shuffle down to the gym where Felix is practicing kicks.  You watch him, his nimble athleticism, the perfect arc of each high kick. 

One wall of the house gym is a mirror and your eyes meet in the reflection.  He holds your gaze for a moment, but then he goes back to counting under his breath, kicking again. 

“I thought you liked Hyunjin,” you say. 

He stops kicking.  His hands are taped up for boxing, so he diverts his attention there, slowly unweaving the tape while he catches his breath. 

“This has nothing to do with me,” he says.  “You know that, yeah, so I don’t know what—”  

“Don’t you want to date someone one day too?” 

He doesn’t look up.  He drops the tape on the floor and starts on the next hand. 

“No,” he finally says after a long pause. 

“No?” you repeat.  “You don’t want—”

“I can’t want anything,” he says with a mean bite.  “I have a job.  And responsibilities.”  The tape is too light to throw but he flicks it as hard as he can, shaking his head.  “Why are you asking me stupid questions?  You know how things are.” 

Yes, you do. 

You know what you feel when you look at Felix.  You have been friends with Jisung for years and his proximity has never induced the same feelings.  Bursts of heat find you at unexpected times, usually moments when your intimacy feels its most casual.   But you never have to think twice about why a crush on your bodyguard is a bad idea, because Felix always reminds you without saying anything.  When you get too close, his eyes go glassy with some remembrance and he swiftly pulls away.  

You know this does not stop him from thoughtlessly leaning into your touches.   He slants towards you with a certain kind of hunger, one you know is satisfied when you touch given how he sighs or relaxes.  Then, like someone so used to starvation that emptiness feels natural, he remembers himself and withdraws.  You wouldn’t care – or at least, you shouldn’t care – except it leaves you just as empty. 

You do not know the details of Felix’s past, but you do know that you carry a similar pain.  He recognized it at a glance, all those years ago, seeing past your bravado and calling out your fear.   We’re both scared, he said.

You see it now, in the tension across his shoulders, in the way he avoids your gaze.   The sharpness of his tone is a twin to your own. 

“Yeah,” you say.  “I know how things are.  You’re a pain in my ass and I hate you.” 

It is such an unconvincing lie that he finally lifts his head, meeting your gaze in the mirror.   You look at each other for a long moment. 

You wonder what someone brave would say or do.  Maybe you would tell him the truth and fuck the consequences.  Maybe you would kiss him like you were experienced, like you were anyone but an awkward little girl with clammy hands and shaking knees. 

You turn to leave.   He sighs and says, “Your father said yes.” 

You freeze. 

“He likes the idea of Hyunjin,” Felix continues.  “He thinks he’s… appropriate.”

You remember Hyunjin making out with someone in the middle of the classroom, and you remember how he was once expelled for fighting.  You laugh humourlessly, the sound punching out of you.  You slap a hand over your mouth to contain it.   You suddenly feel like crying and you don’t know why, except that your emotions are in constant flux.

“You mean he thinks he’s rich,” you say. 

“I mean… he doesn’t… think it,” Felix says dryly.  “Hyunjin is rich.” 

Felix can move quietly even in military grade tactical boots.  It should be easy in his gym shoes, but he walks heavily as he comes up behind you. 

“Why don’t you sound happy?” Felix asks. 

You turn around and meet his gaze directly.  Your stare is heated, rife with all your mixed-up emotions, but he does not flinch or look away. 

“You’re an idiot,” you say.  “I hate you.” 

You have never fooled him with that proclamation.  He draws his lips into a thin line, just staring back at you for a moment.  When you turn to leave, he grabs your arm.  Sparks ignite under his touch, shooting all the way up your arm, tickling your neck, raising each hair.   It feels so different from Hyunjin. 

You look at him and he lets go, flexing his hand at his side. 

“I, uh, I want to show you… something.”  He pushes some sweaty hair off his forehead.  His deep voice seems lower, the sound scratching at the base of your spine.  Tingles run all the way up to your head.  

“Show me?” you say.  “Show me what exactly?”

“Self-defence,” he says, brow furrowed, like his train of thought was obvious.  “If your dad lets you go out with some guy—”

“With Hyunjin,” you say, rolling your eyes.  “The dumb gangly gazelle you’ve watched lumber all over the field in gym class?” 

“You should still know how to protect yourself,” he says. 

“Isn’t that what you’re for?” 

“I am going to guess you might be alone with him once or twice,” Felix says dryly, “unless you want to keep me in the room then too.”

The suggestion makes you feel hot, flushed with embarrassment.  You duck your gaze to the floor. 

“You’re being silly,” you say.  “I haven’t even gone out with him yet.  And I’ve never even kissed someone.”  Felix must know that, but admitting it feels different. You look up, feeling floaty and detached from your body, like you are watching yourself look at Felix. 

He clears his throat and looks away, snapping you back. 

“Fine,” he says.  “We’ll practice another day.  But we will practice.” 

You know he means self-defence, but your brain supplies the image of kissing practice.  Your face must show that thought, maybe a sliver of panic in your gaze, because the tips of his ears turn suddenly pink.   He clears his throat again, shaking his head and turning away.   You leave quicker than you came, rushing all the way to the top floor to hide in your bedroom where you intend to mull over your day with maximum angst.

By nighttime, everything seems petty and stupid.  You are laying in bed on your phone when Felix gets back from his security check.  He says nothing, climbing into bed without even looking at you.  You just roll your eyes, done with the drama.  He looks over just in time for you to butt your head against his arm like a disgruntled baby goat.  His laugh is nothing more than a sharp exhale. 

It takes some coaxing, mostly in the form of whining, but Felix puts his arm around you.  Some of the shadows finally leave his face, a smile even daring to poke through. 

You fiddle with the neck of his t-shirt and he does the same with the ends of your hair. 

“Your father had an idea, by the way,” Felix says, “for a first date.” 

You groan, planting your face on his chest.  He laughs, a proper hearty sound.

“What, a picnic in the family dungeons?”  The sarcasm rolls off your tongue.  “Torture?  Flaying the guy alive? Chopping off his—” 

“Ouch.”

“I was gonna say limbs—”  You swat his chest. 

“Okay, okay, ouch, hey!”  He is still chuckling when you settle again.  He squeezes your arm. 

A moment of comfortable silence passes.  You resume your absent-minded fidgeting, twisting the loose material of his t-shirt around your knuckles.  You do not dare meet his eye when you ask, “I know what you said earlier but… if you could… what would you do for a first date?” 

His whole body goes stiff with tension, then he just exhales, a pitiful sound of resignation. 

“There’s no point in thinking about it,” Felix says.  “And I don’t know anyway.  What do people do on dates?” 

“Oh come on, you’ve been watching the dramas with me,” you say, keeping your voice light.  “You could have some ideas.” 

“Well, I don’t,” he says, not unkindly but firmly. 

“Fine,” you say.  You roll over so you are half on-top of him, a leg thrown over his.   You make a show of rolling your eyes, but his returned gaze is too soft for any real animosity to linger.   “For the record, I would plan an amazing first date if I didn’t have my dad – blegh – orchestrating the whole thing.”

“I believe you,” he says with a chuckle.  “I’m sure you would sweep Hyunjin off his feet, hmm?”

“Hmm,” you echo.  “Sure.”  You raise your head so you are peering down at him.  “I don’t even know what Hyunjin would like.  He’s pretty but he’s… I dunno… a liar or something.  Like he obviously just wants to date me because we’re both rich, but he wouldn’t admit it till I said it.  Who knows what other secrets he could be keeping.”

“Hwang Hyunjin,” Felix muses.  “Deep, dark secrets… maybe… hmm… his hair routine?”

You laugh before you can stop yourself.  “Don’t be mean,” you say. 

“Uhh, I’m never mean,” Felix says.  “You’re the one who called him a liar.” 

“Or something,” you argue playfully.  He says ahh, like that differentiation mattered at all.  “Maybe he collects teeth from all his dozens of girlfriends.  Or their hair.  Maybe he’s a cannibal.” 

Felix sighs with theatrical exasperation.  “From hair care to cannibalism, really?” he asks. 

“Could be,” you say, trying and failing to stifle your giggles, especially when it makes him laugh.  “He might gobble me all up on the first date.” 

“That would be very rude,” Felix says.  “He should wait until the third date at least.”

“Oh, is that what a gentleman like you would do?”  You laugh.   “Maybe provide a written invitation to the event?” 

“Of course,” he jokes.  “If I planned on eating you, you’d be the first to know.”   

The double-entendre is clearly unintentional, smothering the giggly playfulness with a sudden heady air.  You both hear the accidental suggestion, and you both stare at each other, and you both take too long to say something so it turns awkward.  You become very aware of all the places you are touching, so aware that you cannot compel yourself to move thanks to sudden nerves. 

Felix reliably comes to his senses first.   He nudges you gently, forcing himself to laugh as he slides out of the bed. 

“Umm, sorry,” he says.  He shoves a hand through his hair, the blonde fluffing with his rough touch. “I just need to… uh… bathroom?  I’ll be... um, back.”

You return to your side of the bed where you curl into a ball of appropriately eighteen-year-old angst.  Your current state of peril has nothing to do with power-corrupt businessmen and their fragile egos, and everything to do with a boy in your bed.   You shove your face in a pillow and keep it there until he returns.   You do not look at him, still too riled up in the silent tension.    

You are convinced you will never fall asleep but it inevitably sneaks up on you.  All at once, you are blinking awake in the morning light.   You drifted closer to Felix in your sleep but kept your hands to yourself.  You are both laying on your fronts, faces turned to each other.  He sleeps so lightly that he wakes from the faintest shift in the cadence of your breathing.   

The sleepy quiet of morning has none of the awkwardness of late night silence.  It feels hazy and gentle in its golden breath, held long enough for your hands to meet between you.  It is the only place you are touching, fingertip to palm to knuckle and back again.  Your whole head goes fuzzy with tingles when he traces the pad of your palm.   

You think about the many romance stories you have surreptitiously read on your laptop, flipping between smut and homework.   In all those stories, it seems that when the hapless leads find themselves sharing a bed, they manage to entangle themselves overnight, always suggestively, always accidentally. 

You do not appear to have that kind of luck, that accident of circumstance where you are not responsible for your own actions.  Instead you are laying in the sunlight, lit up so brightly that there could be no mistaking intention, his dark eyes catching the light as he looks at you as if he knows what you are thinking. 

It has to be deliberate.  Nothing will change on its own.  

Is this combination of terror and desire normal?  Is it simply a matter of age and inexperience?  Or is it in indication of damage, something inherently broken in you?   When your fingers interlock, it feels wonderful.  It also activates alarms in your head, none of them equipped with an off switch. 

You close your eyes.  He breathes and you know him so well that you recognize him by that, by the way he inhales sharply, like he has suddenly remembered where and who he is.  You know it means he is about to pull away. 

Sudden, sharp, panicked adrenaline propels you out of your timid repose and into his arms.   It is not so different from the millions of times he has held you, except this time you are frantic and strange, your heart beating wildly as you hide your face in his neck and cling to him like he will float away if you don’t hold tight enough. 

It surprises him.  He has the skill to deflect an attack but he lets you barrel into him, taking your weight with little more than an oof.   For a moment, he does nothing, his arms open at his sides.  You feel his shoulder twitch. 

He says your name in sleep-rough voice, barely more than a whisper.  A reminder, scolding you but half-heartedly.  You know what he sounds like when he is mad, when emotion slips through the cracks of his careful facades.   This emotion is not anger. 

“Felix,” is your reply. 

His next breath shudders out of him, sounding almost painful.  Then the arm beneath you shifts.  He touches your lower back tentatively, through your t-shirt yet hesitating like the contact might burn skin.  Another breath, then his palm is flat on your back and he is rolling onto his side to face you.  

Your heart is leaping around like it is being electrocuted, sparks of electricity zapping to every extremity as his other hand curls around your bicep.  His eyes are screwed shut and his mouth is open, nothing but another shaking breath passing his lips. 

You touch his face with trembling fingers, the very tips lightly brushing his temple.  You know, on some level, this is nothing deserving of alarm despite the cacophony still ringing in your head.  This is little more than an intimate embrace, fully-clothed and only barely touching each other. 

You are not even kissing.  With your adrenaline in the dregs, you cannot push yourself across that space.  Instead, you find yourself staring into his face when his eyes open.  You look at each other, forced to reckon with your proximity, looking at his mouth while he looks at yours.  There is no denying this could be a kiss, that it would require very little more than a lean.

His knuckles skim your side as his hand slips from your arm to your waist.  Your breath catches when he lays his hand on your hip, not moving or pushing but holding.     

Still such simple touches.  You wonder how other people can do more so easily when this alone is overwhelming.   

Your morning alarm is not due to ring for another twenty minutes.  There is nothing to disturb you.  You press your fingers into his shoulder.  This already has him tensing, then you scratch your nails along the nape of his neck, up into his hair, and it unravels him with a shiver, eyes closing and cheek pressing hard into his pillow. 

He wrenches away all at once, making a noise like it hurts to do so.   You feel dizzy as you stare at the indentation on his pillow while he swings his leg off the bed.  He doubles over, elbows on his knees, hands on his face.  He digs his fists into his eyes and scrubs hard.  He takes a minute to catch his breath.    

Eventually he stands.  He pauses like he intends to speak but then he just pivots into the bathroom.  The door shuts with a heavy click. 

You roll onto your back and stare at the ceiling.   You have no idea if he is coming right back, but you know this intimate moment has conclusively ended.  Your whole body is alight, the places he touched you still radiating sensation.  There is such a desperate pulsing between your legs that you can’t help but touch there, palm pressing hard to quell the incessant thrum of want. 

You really do not intend to do more.   You only just barely know the mechanics for touching yourself thanks to reading, but you are afforded little opportunity for discovery due to obvious reasons.   You do not know how fast he will return, but you doubt you have enough time to work it all out. 

You slide a hand under your clothes only to temper the worst of that wanting, applying pressure clumsily.   Your eyes close when you feel how ridiculously wet you are, far more than you have ever felt before.   Your mind then projects the unbidden image of Felix, wondering if he is on the other side of that bathroom door touching himself in a similar way.

It makes you gasp, turning your head, heel of your palm still pressing down hard inside your shorts.  You open your eyes just in time for Felix to step back into the room. 

He looks at you and completely freezes.  You have never felt more like a deer caught in the headlights. 

He turns and stumbles back into the bathroom, uncharacteristically clumsy.  You yank your hand out of your shorts and roll onto your front, shrieking into your pillows with a combination of frustration and embarrassment. 

What is my life, you ask yourself.   You really have no answer. 

-

The first date with Hyunjin is not a proper date at all.  Your father extends an invitation to Hyunjin and his parents, requesting their presence at another one of his good-press charity functions.  

This one is a silent auction and banquet in a luxurious hotel ballroom.  Despite the fact you attend the same school, you are formally introduced at the party, the whole charade making you feel like a ridiculous character in a historical drama.

You are already more than a little grumpy because Felix is not here, your father logically determining that his own security entourage was plenty for the night.  There is also the matter of Felix’s cover.  Hyunjin knows him as a student and your friend, not a bodyguard.  You will have to tell him eventually if this goes anywhere but—

That thought abruptly sends you on one of your overthinking spirals.  If your father intends to force this relationship along, you do not know if he will fire Felix rather than explain him, if one day you will suddenly go home and your bedroom will be empty, Felix gone without a trace and you with no way to contact him.   

Your throat strains with a choked back sob as you struggle to remember every little detail about Felix – the animes he claims he only watches because Jisung does, but that he definitely secretly enjoys, the horrified lemon-sour face he pulls when he accidentally drinks your coffee instead of his sugar-laden tea, the way he likes taking apart electronics and rebuilding them, his sharp mind, his goofy wit, his complete and total weirdness that he skillfully masks in public but drops at home.   That house could be full of people but if Felix was no longer there, it would feel horribly empty. 

“Are you okay?”  Hyunjin asks.  He looks resplendent in white, his dark hair a sharp contrast to his dress shirt and pants.  Other people are swooning at the sight of him.  You have not looked at him for longer than a few seconds at a time.  

“Sorry,” you say.  You take a swig of water like it’s hard liquor.  You try to smile but you can feel how crooked it is.  “Just… the parties are a lot.”  It is only a partial lie.  Your mind is somewhere else, but the parties are a lot to handle. 

Hyunjin smiles.  He props his chin in his hand and leans towards you.  “Good company makes them better, though,” he says. 

“Yeah.”  You look away again, staring out the window at the cityscape and thinking about Felix.  “It does, doesn’t it?” 

The ordeal is a success by your father’s standards.  You sit with Hyunjin all night.  You dance a few clumsy dances where you scuff his expensive dress shoes with your missteps.  You wander onto a balcony and he gives you his coat.  Beat for beat, moment by moment, it all goes perfectly. 

A moment that genuinely moves you is the only one your father does not care about.  Conversation between you and Hyunjin is stilted for a long while, then someone mentions one of the paintings up for auction and he lights up.  No one else acknowledges it, so you ask him about it.  You do not miss the warning look his father shoots him, but when you smile at Hyunjin like he is the most charming person alive, it placates him.

Hyunjin does not observe most of this.  Once you let him talk about the art, he cannot stop.  He becomes someone else when immersed in this subject, more animated, more open, much more sincere.  You could almost like this Hyunjin. 

You like him even more when he forgets his propriety and snorts at your derision for a few pompous assholes.  This party is crawling with creepy elites, only a few known to Hyunjin.  You catch him up on the latest high society nonsense, pointing out the affairs and scandals, as well as telling him which few individuals are somewhat more tolerable.

You are leaning against a wall, licking the icing off a cupcake, when he suddenly smiles at you, big and huge.  You choke on the sugar.  You feel hot under your skin, wondering if you were accidentally suggestive with your licking, but he doesn’t comment on that at all. 

“I’ve never known someone who sees people so well,” he says.  “Especially somewhere like this.  Everyone is a bit—”

“Off in their own world?” You share a giggle.  “I’m just bored,” you say, deflecting the compliment because Hyunjin doesn’t know what he’s talking about.  You do not see anything special in your observations, just your own loneliness as you sit back and watch the world go by. 

You don’t tell him that.   You distract him by pointing to another figure across the room, a well-dressed older man flanked by his own entourage.  You can separate the immensely wealthy from the nouveau riche by appearance.  The former are sleekly sophisticated at events like this, almost nonchalant in their presentation, whereas the latter overdress themselves to flaunt their wealth, as if they feel the need to prove they belong.  The former know where they belong. 

This man is undeniably the former. 

“You see that man over there?” you whisper, pointing discreetly with your cupcake.  “That’s Mister Miroh.   He is my father’s biggest competitor and most hated rival.  They are exactly the same person and trust me, that’s not a compliment.  They hate each other more than anything.”  You say this very casually then take a bite of your cupcake. 

“Huh?” Hyunjin’s brow furrows, making you laugh.  “If they hate each other, why was he invited?”

“Because rich people are insane,” you say.  “It’s just about keeping up appearances.  Yeah, they’re rivals, but that also makes them equals, so it’s bad form to neglect them in public company.”  Hyunjin nods here, clearly understanding.  You remember what he said about his own parents and appearances.  You must admit, it is nice talking to someone who understands you from his own first-hand experience.  “Also,” you say, “I’m sure it’s like that saying, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.  If Miroh is here, then he’s not off somewhere disrupting my father’s business while his back is turned.” 

“This is exhausting,” Hyunjin says, shaking his head. 

“No kidding.”  You laugh again.  When Hyunjin looks at you with a dimpled smile, you smile back.  It feels friendly, not like his forced flirtatious grins earlier in the evening.  You like this Hyunjin more.  “You want some cupcake?” you ask, holding up the very big, very rich dessert. 

Hyunjin eyes it then shakes his head.  He tucks some hair behind his ears. 

“I’m supposed to be on a diet,” he explains, laughing at your expression because you cannot hide your horror.  “It’s not a bad thing—” he starts. 

“You are so skinny, a hard wind could blow you out the window,” you say, shoving the cupcake at him.  “You said I was good at seeing people, well, I can see you want the cupcake.  So eat it or I’ll push you off the balcony.” 

He looks around to see if anyone is looking but his parents are occupied with their own conversations.   He looks at you conspiratorially then acquiesces, finishing the cupcake in just a couple big bites.   You applaud and he shakes his head, laughing and spitting little flakes of cupcake.  It makes you laugh more.  He is in good humour the whole time, even if it takes a second to swallow all that cake. 

“What else do you see?” he says when you are both settled.  He is relaxed from all the giggling. 

“What do you mean?” you ask, trying to keep a straight face as you remember the cannibalism conversation, supposing he might not want to hear that precisely.   

“When you look at me,” he says.  He tips his chin as if striking a pose.  “Tell me my fortune.”

“I’m not a psychic,” you say, nudging his shoulder, but nonetheless you oblige and strike your own pose, a finger on your chin as you consider him.  “Hmmm.”  You look him up and down, the showman smile, the little crumb of cake on his lip.  “I think you’re very smart and very handsome,” you start.

“I like it so far,” he says.

Smiling, you roll your eyes.  “And,” you say, “I think you know your strengths and how to use them to make people look at you.  Or at least – to look at what you want them to see.”  You watch his brow furrow, his hand disappearing into the length of his sleeve as his fingers curl up.  “I think you have more going on than anyone knows,” you say.  “And I think those parts of you might be the best, and I’m sorry that you have someone telling you it’s the part you have to hide.”  His gaze is cast low at nothing in particular.  It seems to scan the floor thoughtfully.   You laugh to brighten the mood.  “Parents,” you say.  “Image.  Expectation.  Whatever.” 

“Yeah.”  He smiles at you again.  It is not one of his fake, smarmy grins, but it is not his carefree smile either.  It is polite, and it doesn’t reach his eyes, darkly reflecting a familiar sadness back to you.   “Whatever,” he echoes.  Then he stands straight and offers his hand, his face once more shielded with a showy, flirtatious demeanour.  “Wanna dance?” 

You do, and it pleases the parents, and the night passes.  You and Hyunjin share an amiable glance before going your separate ways.

When you arrive home, Felix is sitting in the kitchen reading a book for school.  He is not obliged to do the readings but he seems to enjoy it, certainly more than you.   You never thought you would be so happy to see such a simple sight, Felix at the counter with a book.  Fortunately, you are a smart enough to mask your enthusiasm around your father.   

You don’t have to worry because your father pays you no mind.  With your purpose evidently served, your father dismisses you for the night and calls Felix to his office for a debriefing. 

You step inside your walk-in closet to change clothes.  You frown at your dress, once more thinking about all those romance stories.  If the dress had a zipper, you would need help, then you could ask Felix to unzip it, and it would be an excuse to initiate contact without you truly propositioning him.  But the dress slides off easily, so you put on shorts and a t-shirt, then you are sitting in bed scrolling on your phone. 

You are in a good mood as you usually are when you get back from a party, happy it is over.  The energy you stored to endure the socializing can now simmer to a pleasant hum.  You are also extra happy to see Felix after dreading his demise all night.  Those worries seem silly now.  You will always need a bodyguard and Felix is reliable. 

Then you feel terrible for thinking that, because you should want Felix to go.  He should not be here at all, trapped with you in this nightmare.  Then you start thinking about Felix and his past nightmares.  If Felix disappeared without a trace one day, it would not be to freedom.  It might be to something worse again.     

Even though you feel uneasy, gazing at his empty side of the bed, you fall asleep before Felix returns.  You wake in the darkness to Felix leaning over you.  He carefully extracts your phone to place it on the bedside table.  You fell asleep awkwardly slumped, clutching it. 

You are barely awake, still half-dreaming about him disappearing, about what worse nightmares might chase him from your arms.  You wrap yourself around him completely, arms around his middle, head on his chest, leg curled around his, the totality of your embrace surprising him.  He chuckles, a low sound that vibrates in his chest. 

“What’s wrong?” he asks, settling as comfortably as he can with you twisted around him like an amorous vine. 

“Nothing,” you mumble into his shirt.  “Just missed you.”

“It was just one night,” he says. 

“Mmph,” is your sleepy rejoinder.  You reach for his hand and slap it onto your back, groaning.  He gets the message and strokes your back with a gentle sweep.  You start to doze again, snuggled and warm, then he clears his throat.  You recognize the sound as his warm-up to vocalizing something awkward. 

“I guess, uhhh, I guess things went well… with Hyunjin… tonight, yeah?” he says.  He clears his throat again.  “Your father gave me an itinerary for future dates and arrangements…” 

“I’m gonna blow this fucking house up,” you grumble.

He chuckles.  His touch is absent-minded now, a lazy caress as his attention strays. 

“Did he, uh, did he… kiss you?”  Felix asks.  His hand stops altogether, freezing low on your spine.  “Not that I—I’m just wondering.  Because of what you said before.  It’s, like, a big deal to girls I guess, right.  So I wasn’t sure—” 

“No, Felix,” you say, rolling your eyes.  “I’m still very unkissed and very pathetic, so don’t worry about my honour.” 

You lift your head to give him a withering stare, but his face is very close and he is already looking at you.  You have not spoken about the previous morning.  Every second comes rushing back when you meet his eye, when his gaze flickers down to your mouth for a brief but hypnotizing second. 

“You’re not pathetic,” he says, just above a whisper.  That ridiculous voice of his rumbles so low when he speaks this softly.  It’s like the sound is directly connected to something inside you, tugging when he speaks, waking up every sleeping nerve. 

“Sure,” you reply, at a loss for any other retort.  

His mouth is a perfect bow.  You look away from it, resorting to your natural expression: a glare, intensely and resolutely locked on his eyes. 

“Well, I’ve never kissed anyone,” Felix says, drole.  “Am I pathetic?” 

“That’s different,” you say, not meaning anything by it.  It’s an automatic response, meant to simply dismiss his very good point. 

But you feel him tense.  The silence feels heavy.  You belatedly realize how he might have interpreted that.  That’s different because you’re not a person like the rest of us.

You are trying to think of an appropriate apology when he gently moves you, shaking himself free of your embrace. 

“You should sleep over there tonight,” he says.  “Your father is home and I’m—  I’m.  I should be over here.  Anyway.” 

He turns over, putting his back to you.  Even though it feels like your whole head is on fire, you muster the resolve to slide closer.  Then you lean over and kiss his cheek. 

You flop onto your back and stare at the ceiling. 

“Sorry,” you say. 

You look at him but he hasn’t moved.  Your lips are tingling from that simple, stupid touch and you feel so ridiculous that you want to shriek.  You suffice to close your eyes, shaking your head like that will erase the last sixty seconds of your life.  You look at the ceiling again, face twisted up with pain. 

That falls away when Felix flips over.  He was so still and so quiet that it genuinely startles you.  You swear your heart stops when he leans over you with a determined expression, one you usually only see when he is working out hard.  Your stopped breath is a cluster in your throat, your voice tangled in it.  Your mouth is open and eyes wide when he cups the back of your neck and lifts your head. 

Your heart starts all over again, pumping so fast that you are scared it will leap right out of your chest. 

He leans down.  He kisses your forehead for one second, two, three.  You count it.  Your fingers curl up.  Your eyes feel huge.  You look at him when he pulls away, his expression morose.  He does not meet your gaze. 

“I’m sorry too,” he says. 

He lays your head on your pillow and rolls away, his back to you once more. 

You fall asleep on opposite sides of the huge bed, so close and so far.  Your sleep is fitful and uneasy and you keep waking to check if he is still there. 

It is very early when you fully wake, the pale blue of morning only just seeping into the gloaming.  It is a quiet hour but despite its gentle ambiance, you are woken with a fright.  You settle when you realize it is just Felix grabbing you.   He crossed the bed to gather you into his arms, mumbling an apology but nonetheless wrapping himself around you. 

You realize he had a nightmare.  He has not had one in a while.   Your back is to him so you reach around to pat him consolingly. 

You shiver when he exhales, his warm breath brushing the back of your neck, but you do not linger on the sensation.  The previous morning and all its stirrings are far from mind now.  He is upset so you comfort him, simple as that, letting him wrap his arms around your middle and rest his head against yours.  Your thighs sit neatly against his, bodies slotted together neatly,  like it is the most natural place to be.    

“Can you, uhh, just…”  He clears his throat.  “Can you talk… to me… please.” 

Felix does not like to talk about his nightmares but he does like a distraction.  You are the same.  There are times you wake in a fit and he speaks in a soft voice to lull you back to rest.  Your voice is not as unique as his, lacking the deep dulcet colour, but he seems to like listening anyway. 

You tell him about the party, all the frivolous details and gossip.  Two women wore the same dress, what a scandal, someone dropped a pearl earring, what a loss.   This couple broke up, that couple is having an affair.  Miroh was there and predictably austere the entire night—

Felix was beginning to relax but he tightens his grip when you mention Miroh. 

Your voice trails off. 

Your father has many enemies but Miroh is his only true rival.  You are not directly involved in any business but you pay attention to your father and his work.  You know about the political bribery and the underhanded dealings and the illegal trading.   You know Miroh is the same except he is also a military man, that he has dark connections and turns a profit on some very backward schemes.   Of course, your father depicts his rival as a worse villain than himself, so it is hard to say precisely what Miroh does, but you know the look of a bad man regardless.  

You have suspected for some time that Miroh played a part in Felix’s dark past.  You do not know what or how or why, as you have never pushed Felix to tell you, but you know Felix well.  Your father has many enemies and Felix is always alert, but Miroh receives extra vigilance.   Every trace of your companion will disappear before your eyes, replaced with an emotionless soldier.

You feel all that tension in his body now.  He is holding his breath. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” you ask in a small voice.  It is a vague admittance to your suppositions.

A little tension leaves his body with a humourless laugh, the breath bursting on your neck. 

“No,” he says.  “Not… not right now.” 

“Okay,” you reply.  There is a moment of silence.  Your heart is beating hard, his pounding as fast, his chest pressed against your back.  You shift in his lap. “What do you want then?”

That laugh again, a little more pained.  Then he sighs. 

“I don’t know,” he says in a rough voice.  “Just… distract me.” 

Just like that, the energy shifts, at least inside of you.  You know very well what would distract him, having witnessed the other morning just how to rattle your bodyguard.  The recollection alone has you flushed with heat, embarrassed and nervous and exhilarated all at the same time. 

It has always been hard for you to do the simple, normal thing.  You cannot smile for a long time, you cannot make pleasant small talk, you cannot kiss the boy you like.  But the difficult feats, the outlandish actions, those you have always done with ease.   You argue with your terrifying father, you break out of cages, you throw yourself into dangerous situations with little sense of self-preservation. 

You cannot turn and sweet-talk him.  You cannot lean over and kiss him.  You cannot smile and implore him. 

You can stare ahead through the pale light, warm with memory and fantasy alike, and slide your hand down between your legs.  With a little swivel of your hips, you press against his lap.  The effect is remarkably instantaneous, the adrenaline of his fears seemingly diverting course at the merest suggestion. 

He makes a choked noise, then his hand is overtop yours.  You always forget how strong he is, all that hidden power and dexterity.  He clutches your hand with ungiving control, down between your legs, over your shorts, preventing you from going further.

“That’s not what I meant,” he says, his stern voice as affecting as a touch.  It makes you whimper.   

His hips shift.  His baggy shorts do little for modesty and you can feel him twitch with interest, stiffening against your backside.  You try to move your hand but he pins your wrist and says your name warningly. 

“I won’t touch you,” you whisper.  “You don’t have to touch me.”

“Other people are home—”

“Then stop talking and be quiet,” you say.  It is always easier to be brazen when you are arguing or asserting a point, so when he releases your hand, you slide it into your shorts without a second thought.  It is only once you’re there that you realize you don’t really know what you’re doing.  Your belligerence only takes you so far. 

Then Felix breathes a surrendering sigh.  He squeezes your hips with trembling hands and rolls away, onto his back.  You spill onto your back too and look at him.  You feel vulnerable and uncertain until he closes his eyes and touches himself through his shorts.  The sight makes it easy to stir a reaction under your clumsy fingers, watching his hand cup and stroke the shape of himself through his shorts.  You slip the other hand down there too, spreading yourself to your own exploratory touch.  You press and rub and circle, your heartbeat thundering erratically when he opens his eyes and looks at you. 

Your lips part but you withhold all noise, breathing hard into the dark as his hand dips under his waistband.  His eyes are cast low to where your own hands move under your clothes, your fingers moving more frantically than his lazy stroking. 

When you finally find a place and pattern that feels right, your breathing gets heavier, a soft whine slipping into your exhale.   His reflexes are quick as ever.  His arm slips under your head and curls around your neck, hand covering your mouth to catch the surprised yelp that passes your lips.

“Shh,” he says.

And for some reason that takes you over the building crest.  Your body curls, tight as coil even while a white heat unravels inside you.  You gasp into his palm, eyes closing, swallowing down your own sounds.   

You are still twitching with aftershocks when you grab his hand with your very wet fingers.  You are not thinking about that, you are still hazy and powered by instinct, prying his hand off your face. 

But he realizes it.  He makes another choked-up sound and looks at the closed door, his breathing coming out hard through his nose.  He pulls his arm back, closes his eyes.  His hand, wet with you, just hovers for a second. 

You watch him.  His mouth is open and his eyes are closed and his hair is falling in a messy sweep around his handsome face.  You are slow in your approach, giving him time to open his eyes, to see your own hand near his face.  

He exhales sharply and his eyes close tight.  He grabs your hand and pulls it to his mouth, your own sex pulsing with renewed interest when he licks across your fingers then lets two curl into his mouth, just resting on his tongue.  He finishes a second later, shoulders hunching and face screwed up, freckles dancing like a dark constellation. 

You bring your shaking hand to your own lips, tentatively kissing the fingers he had in his mouth.  He blinks his eyes open slowly, gazing at the ceiling for a second then looking at you.   When he sees you, your lips pursed against your fingertips, his mouth opens and closes with some unspoken thought, desperate to vocalize.   In the end he swallows it down and closes his eyes.   He nods sharply. 

“Okay,” he says, his voice ragged.  “Thank you.  Sleep.  You should…  You should.  Um.  I’ll just—”

He shakes his head and rolls out of bed, then darts into the bathroom.  The shower starts.   You look at your clock and see you have more than an hour to your alarm. 

You lay your head on your pillow but you do not fall back asleep.   

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

By p5 you mean in terms of plot and themes or in terms of salt? (Go off either way I'm always down to hear riffing on Wish)

It's the plot/themes tbh. In terms of salt...... I didn't mind the film but it def gave "undercook chicken vibes" TT0TT (I could probs bitch about Raya more, but I guess I can muster up some grievances with this film klasjfdlkj;af but before that P5). (edit of me from the future after getting to the end of this ask: while writing this I went from "eh" on Wish, to "I hold this new hc rewrite very dear to me for some reason" I dunno if y'all wanna hear a outline rewrite of Wish but I'd be down for it kasfdjklf):

Before the bitching about Wish's issues, let's address the P5 (well more P5R/P5S with the whole stealing OTHER people's wishes-I mean desires, and then also granting said wishes) parallels first. So I DID NOT know it was going to be.....technically a heist film (without the fun heist tropes ;w; and technically also only for a small duration ;w;) Suddenly it was "You can't take people's desires-I mean wishes", and "I'll take them back! They don't belong to you!" and the villain crushing the desire-I mean wish harms the original person (as well as it being taken seems to affect them too??? Or was that just Sleep-I mean Simon? Or was there even a connection? It's not really explored well! :'D) And then the team uses a star to take down a wish granting god, AND the masses of the people take down the controlling god as well-....you have a rag tag team of people to help rebel against the authority, as well as someone from that same group who betrays them and is controlled by the godly being ("controlled" in Goro's case, Wish did a better job exploring that than P5 imo >_> by that I mean literal bare minimum) and also has a knight motif (I think black mask, along with Mako's outfit, have a knight motif)

There's a lot of similarities. aklfjdlksajf I was NOT expecting it.

Ok now for just.......salt. Diet salt? Frustrations but w/o the hate? *shrugs*

So the pacing was a thing. I was wondering how they'd get from one point to the next, and then realized they were just gonna barrel and quirk their way through. TT0TT

I REALLY hated Asha's character when she was *~quirky~*. That only worked for Tangled/Frozen, `1) it wasn't overplayed (Tangled literally started it, so by Frozen it was like 2 instances by this point only), 2) It made sense for those chars (locked away during a critical part of their life, yeah no wonder they weren't well adjusted), 3) they looked similar and the cameo just kinda fueled the theory they are (distant) cousins (aka so maybe hereditary personality trait).

Everyone else has been......not original and it's just......boring/annoying. (Raya I think was the closest we got away from it, but she's kinda just a Korra clone, cool but with dorky moments.......sigh I'll take it).

I physically cringed in the theater during her interview bc of the dorkiness. TT0TT I cringed so much that....I think I might've missed the reason why the king even bothered to show Asha the wishes???? He trusted her? She interested him??? That's the vibe I got but like.....WHY?????? (again was cringing and she was like 'oh I'm bombing" and he's like "no you have my attention" and I'm like "oh this dialogue is so bad TT0TT Get me outttttt!!!!") Before moving onto the next point, when she's not *~quirky~* she's......there. Fine. I prefer her at her basic just don't give me her worst, I can't handle her at her worst. TT0TT

This whole thing could've/would've/should've been avoided if the King didn't let her see the wishes! Or explain in detail! Like you're smarter than this aren't you my dude? This seems like something you keep hidden only for the MC to find out later and THAT causes a big stir. Not "let's show the MC I'm sure nothing wrong will surely come from it!" Like????? I need a better reasoning!!!

Now the actual act of the villain. Not saying what he was doing was right or good. The guy is a dick, a narcissistic dick. But.......everyone seemed relatively happy? TT0TT Like not even in a mind control way. And he wasn't doing anything bad to the wishes (not doing a lot in general but at least he wasn't hurting them??????). Like I know it's technically using it as a means to keep people there (dangling a carrot in front of their face, manipulation) but....I just feel like we aren't given enough information and they spend so much time on people being so chill it's like???? Is it really an issue??? TT0TT Like we have the dialogue about Simon losing his spark or some BS but like.....no one else seems to have the same issue TT0TT

I dunno, his whole "using it for control" and lack of doing anything evil with them to begin with is kinda.........not well developed. :') Like on the surface, yeah he's bad, but digging deeper ...well it's just not that deep. All the shit he does afterwards is bc Asha challenged him and accidentally wished a star down. (tldr; his "control" on everyone doesn't really feel well defined)

Basically, if they were doing a grey->evil pipeline, they didn't do a good job. Either he needed more fleshing out, or just start him off as pretty not great and then going full blown sorcerer at the end.

While I'm still on the king, I was REALLY BOTHERED by how much they kept leaning into his sad backstory. Once? Ok. But like they ref it like 2-4 times so I'm like "????? Did HE cause the tragedy???? WHAT was the tragedy????" Like I kept expecting more of a twist with it (like the king was actually the reason for it) and for them to go into detail but no it's just dropped. TT0TT ????? Was it really just there to make him grey/justified in his actions??? Well it'd help if I KNEW MORE OF WHAT HAPPENED!

I also kept expecting more from Asha's dad. Like they kept bringing up that mfers back on that gd tree but...nope nothing!

Ok moving onto songs. Wow only 6 songs? I'm surprised. Tho one felt like it went on for WAY too long.

"I'm a star" was a song....that when it showed up I was like "Oh geez.....why???" It just brought the pacing to a halt. TT0TT I don't want to hear people bitch about Fixer Upper ever again, at least that progressed SOMETHING. (both are still better from A Guy Like You from the looks of it......and F1's "In Summer" but not cause In Summer was bad, but because the point could've been summed up in a line or three/was summed up already.......those mfers almost cut Do you want to build a snowman but were gonna keep THAT??? I would've rioted fsakljdlkfja TT0TT....oh right Fixer upper vs I'm a star)

Ok ok, so both have something that's important to the plot. Ngl I was wondering what IAS was doing until.....the climax where I was like "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ok, ok I....alright." (aka where everyone uses "the star power within them to defeat the evil). So the meaning behind it I don't mind, it's the.....execution.

So with Fixer Upper, it's a similar thing. FU (haha) contains something important to the plot that'll help the heroes out later (or explain a key part of the story). FU is basically stating/reminding the audience (and Anna) "Elsa is scared and stressed, but if you keep showing your Love to her, Anna, you'll break through to her. Love brings out the best in people!" It's the point of F1. It's the point of The Snow Queen. It's what's been going on this entire film. It also helps develop Anna/Kristoff as well. Because of this it doesn't derail the plot.

I know it DOES feel similar to A Guy Like you, where they put some comedy right in between more serious moments. The difference is Paris is on literal fire, and Anna....due to dramatic irony, isn't aware of shit hitting the fan just yet (or that she's about to die). So she's in a position of just one last moment of brevity unlike Hunchback (from what I remember of Hunchback, gotta rewatch tbh but I know people HATE A guy like you so TT0TT)

Now FU is towards the end of the film and.....F1 is paced fairly well imo. Stuff's happening, nothing feels wasted. Back to Wish.....I'm a Star....doesn't. It has answers for later, but it felt like it brought the pacing to a screeching halt to give me a weird and very eh version of Be Our Guest.

I know in musicals "when talking isn't enough, you sing. When singing isn't enough, you dance."

I do not get the....well...NEED for the scene to be like this. Just talking could've done it justice, and esp saved time (a handful of seconds vs minutes TT0TT)

Like for the climax a scene with THIS SONG needed to happen. But how it comes about is just......it's not it. It's not paced well. Be Our Guest works because Belle knew ALL these chars for a bit. FU worked because the AUDIENCE still recognized these chars from the beginning (and at least KRISTOFF knew who they were). I'm a Star is mostly with random animals and plants that just....happens. TT0TT "Just go with it" no I don't think I want to little rabbit (I feel like a plant/animal said that line but I don't remember which, maybe it was Bambi)

I dunno the set up isn't....great. Wait, it's really just "I have a dream" but.......shittier, like not as well executed. But I have a dream doesn't come outta nowhere, it's set up by Flynn and then executed. The Star just sprinkles some magic dust and it's like "well I guess this is happening."

Tldr; I'm a star isn't well executed even tho it's important to the plot. It needs to be paced better.

Ok other songs (tbh I was eh on the songs but I'm not really liking At all Costs and This Wish).....Welcome to Rosas reminded me a LOT of Encanto's opening and dancing (only thing I was positive towards that movie on). But that dancing is....never brought back? Ok. The framing of the intro song is similar. Exposition through song is ok. (I didn't like F2's Some thing never change but it does catch us up). It's fine.

This is the thanks I get: I liked it when I heard it. Kinda laughable, because of how evil he just....turned into. The king is a real let down ngl, but I already kinda went into my issues with him earlier. I think it's nice he doesn't make them pay rent like wtf let me live there. u_u

At all costs. I........really like this song ngl. It sounds like a love song. The demo even more so (to the point people wondered if it was originally for the King/Queen and/or Asha/Star). Part of me likes the K/Q and Asha/Star duality, but I also........really just like the twisted-ness of King/Asha just singing their own mindset. I dunno I find the idea hauntingly beautiful and is a better villain song for King. Why couldn't King be more evil earlier? It would've been SOOOO GOOD HERE! TT0TT

This Wish: I like it. Was looking forward to this song ngl. Not my most fav song in the world or disney verse, but I like it. I also like the reprise version, they stuck the landing the best they could with that imo. (it's only held back by the other issues of the film). I think I read on TV tropes this song was written first and then a plot made around it? TT0TT I dunno.

The Revolution song I literally forgot of: Probs the most forgettable, like ok sure whatever. At least it wasn't cringy like I'm a star but 8U

Also I JUST found out (after typing most of this) that apparently the song writers were......mostly known for pop songs????? And not musical theater???? Which...ok that makes sense with the whole "when talking isn't enough, you sing. When singing isn't enough, you dance" combined with the thing I read on TV tropes and This Wish..... There wasn't a lot of synergy with how/why some of those song scenes are happening. TT0TT

I mean I'm a basic bitch who likes pop songs don't get me wrong, I'm over here vibbing to This Wish (OG and Reprise) and At All Costs. But Disney did not let those two live up to their full potential ;w; And I believe it's because they......forgot it was a musical and to do more musical theater choices. TT0TT

Thoughts on characters. I don't care for the grandpa/mom ngl. I don't hate them but I don't care. Not a fan of Asha's dad, just.....such a nothing char. Her 7 friends are ok (too many perhaps, put some on the chopping block jalkfdjska). I wish the goat didn't speak (or just sounded cute), or if he did speak in that voice he didn't appear in ALMOST EVERY SCENE (I think Asha/Star duo would've been best). Queen ok, should've been evil. King is ok, should've put him in the over longer tho (and made him more evil from the start).

What could've been: Queen was also suppose to be evil (she should've). Star was gonna be a tumblr Jack Frost esque twink. Disney dropped the ball on that u_u Did he HAVE to exist? Depends on the story (twink or cute star creature, either work it just depends on what the focus is and how you go about it). But the Queen should've been evil.

Oh my thoughts on the meta ending........I.....don't.....it .....didn't make sense? I know people are saying 'oh Disney's just saying it's references! They're backtracking on the extended universe!" and.....like it feels more like references tbh. Like Peter Pan, the guy iirc was an adult (wait of course he has to be an adult, you give your wish away at 18!), he wants to make a plane with the lady. He just looks like Peter Pan. I don't think they are the same Peter. Same with Bambi, OG Bambi isn't a surfer stoner. I think it's just a reference. I think the movie is just too full of references.

"Asha changes race and becomes the fairy god mother to Cindy!" I..dunno.....maybe? She said she'd be ROSAS' fairy god mother....I don't think Cindy takes place anywhere near that. No seaside from that movie iirc. (I mean she can travel but......I dunno)

The only thing I'd buy is Star maybe connecting with Pinocchio or something from across the milkyway. And the sky is the cinematic universe, because I just....can't buy the other refs being part of something greater. So if it's just the sky part.....then 1) it's kinda just pointless tbh cause it doesn't really matter. 2) they wanna be Kingdom Hearts so bad TT0TT I hope KH4 has Wish in it, I'd love to see how that mess will roll. (they can't make it any worse :'D it can only go up from here....esp compared to KH3's Frozen world *sobs* I'll never forgive you KH3 *sobs harder* A game about hearts......and a plot device of a FROZEN HEART YOU COULD'VE EXPANDED YOUR LORE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *ugly cries* *coughs* I can see them doing something with your "inner star" and KH hearts tbh >_>)

Anyway I do think it's more references than cinematic universe.

[d0ntw0rrybehappy]

Whew trying to keep it together we are about to move but my roommates are kinda beating around the bush on a final pick even tho it seems there is an obvious winner (incidentally my favorite house but also the only house we can all agree on)

Then my close friend had a mental health crisis and I skipped out on work to rush over.. they’re okay and with their sis now…

Stressed that work is mad at me because between Luke’s memorial and my friend and moving (and boys - lowkey I didn’t even tell you guys about my ex I had a fucking horrendous fight with last week ugh) I’ve just been exhausted and a fuuucking wreck. Not as productive at work or hitting deadlines when they want them. I wanna do so good for them I wanna be the GOAT!!!! I just Ugh. Admittedly also the deadlines have been getting progressively shorter to match my usually *amazing* efficiency lol lol (help).

Feeling good about my choice to go on a date with Henry. I just feel right off the bat like he’s a good trustworthy person. The kinda dude that would pick me up from the hospital if my mom had brain cancer (this is my main criterion). He is also funny/hot/kind/career-minded like moi and probably way less neurotiquè. But (lol) (lol) we literally haven’t gone on one date yet (Saturday). I’ve just seen him around/known him peripherally for a while through mutual friends. I’m like oh woah I can actually see a future with this person. But am also just fucking fragile rn and if he’s not into me will hurt more than usual. I also know that being so attached is nooooot rationallllllllllllllll we haven’t even hung OUT tho we have texted a lot. I’m like trying to play it cool so he doesn’t think I’m crazy (actually he should know I’m crazy. Crazy and proud. Bitch) but the intensity is seeping outttttt

Telling Tumblr because I think my irl friends are fully dosed on my drama this week and/or are having crises of their own whatever you guys are my diary now

[hyunverse]

omfg i cannot even imagine moving away from the city to countryside i bet that such a difficult adjustment. NOOO you don’t sound like a brat my love it’s not your fault you grew up in a diff area !! 100% agree they just creep me OUTTTTTT. but it’s weird bc i find domesticated rats super cute and i know they’re super clean but if i saw one irl i would cry and scream and run 😀😀😀😀

OMFG RIGHT ??? I WANT TO KNOW LEE KNOWS WORK OUT ROUTINE SO BAD AND I DONT EVEN WORK OUT. also dude felix’s whole outfit in that was just tdf. honestly …. i found his lower back showing to be kinda hotter than the abs …. i’m just a sucker for dudes backs okay 😔😔. cant wait to attend you and hyunjins wedding and if you need a third pls do lmk 😇 hehe

YEP YOU GET IT !! the men who just look like the eiffel tower are the way to my heart <33333 and the ones who look dead inside w long hair and nice hands <33333 good lord bring them here RNNNN. okay short queens look at us go and flourish. and it’s cute that you’re a little taller than me hehe. AND I DID THE HAND MEASURING and they’re 15.8 cm ^_^ which is cuteeeeee. usually i don’t find myself cute but i feel like that’s kinda cute hehe. i gotta know yours now so we can compare

ALSO I DIDNT DW 🙏🏼 i treated myself to some starbucks after class anddddd now i’m getting chinese food oh yea 😎 i’m taking care of myself just for u ig 🙄. all of those foods are a 12/10, i just looked up tomyum and it looks AMAZINGGGGGGG. i love seafood and spicy so that is right up my alley yum yum yum. i want to try it now. my fave food is sushi, but i love literally everything tbh. i don’t think there’s one food that i hate (although i will say i do not like beets or radishes no matter how many times i try them). food is the way to my heart tho i love cooking and food SM but especially cooking for ppl. and i love eating w my friends and family. if food was a love language it would be mine 😇

😽😽😽😽😽😽 cat kisses 4 u. i’m so excited

to hear your hand size hehe (i’m a slut for hands it’s so bad)

- 🐈‍⬛

PLEASE RIGHT. . . imagine i’m used to seeing busy streets and skyscrapers but when i moved for uni i saw cows. COWS. the only time i see a cow at home is on a plate when it’s already become beef soup. 💀 i do Not find rats cute at all 😭 THEY FREAK ME OUT TOOOO MUCH.

talking abt lower backs. . . god i love it when they wear those shirts with open backs 🗣‼️ ALL OF EM LOOK GOOD IN THEM GOOD GOD WHOEVER INVENTED OPEN BACK TOPS NEED THEY ASS ATE 💯 yes ofc ure invited to our wedding u can become my maid of honour and no third person sorry im not poly and im greedy but i will set u up with minho fr 🤝

THE MEN WHO LOOK DEAD HELP I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONYL ONE 🤩 I GET UUU WE ARE SOULMATES!! SOULMATES, BABY! ong ur hands are smaller than mine <33 mine’s 17cm ^__^ so we have roughly about 2cm difference, that’s so cute T_T

YAYAYA tomyum is so yummy i just had it for dinner ^__^ i will gladly cook u a pot baby! i love sushi omg. . . forgot to put that in my list of fave foods. love the salmon ones sm. god i love salmon. if we meet we r having a cooking sesh fr 🤝 i love cooking. it’s theraupetic <33 now im curious, whats ur usual starbucks order? do you get coffee, or something else?

u have my hand size now :-)) thank u for the cat kissies now i present to u, bunny kissies 🐰🐇