#WDYM I HAVE TO WAIT TILL THE 16TH

[dis-4str0]

ARCANE S2, WHEN I CATCH YOU ARCANE S2. ARCANE S2, WHEN I CATCH YOU—

[kkukiejams]

Since I started my hobby as a fangirl, there's this one fear that I always have. That one day I will awake up and see the news that one of the people I looked up to and always brought me happiness died/suicide/od-ed somewhere out there, inside a hotel room, alone and away from their loved ones. I mean, I grew up seeing news like this from Michael Jackson to Whitney Houston to various K-pop idols. But I never thought that I would really experience this nightmare.

On the early morning of Oct 16th, I woke up with a text notification from a close friend saying "Liam is gone," with no other context. My first thoughts are, "Gone? Wdym by gone?"; "Wait, which Liam?"; "Did she have a dog named Liam?"; "Liam? as in 1D's Liam?"; "Isn't it too early for a hoax, especially on this happy day?"; "Hobi is about to come home; wtf is this bullshit." And so I open my Twitter app and see what the fuck is happening.

*Liam Payne's picture in gray, 1993-2024*, "One Direction member Liam Payne (31), died after falling from his hotel room balcony in Argentina," and all the other fan-shocking tweets, news site tweets, tweets about what happened, tweets about how intoxicated he was, passing out in the hotel lobby before the hotel staff brought him to his hotel room, and that horrible, horrible tweet about how fucking tmz posted a picture of his body laying in the ground focusing on his tattoos barely an hour after he fell.

And all I can think is, shit, I can't do this today. It's already 8 in the morning; I need to move my ass because my work starts at 10am and I cannot afford to be late this month anymore. So I moved and got ready, but I can't even process anything like, Fuck, is this even real? He was just in Niall's concert a few days ago. Did the other boys know already? What time is it in the UK? Are they even awake? Are they even in the UK right now? Fuck, he's so far away from home. Why is he so far away from home? Did his mom already know? Did his baby already know? Wtf, I can't really just cry right now; it's still Thursday, and I can't file for sick leave just because of this; my next schedule will be fucked if I did.

And so, I go on with my day; I got in time for my work, still feeling like a blank slate, and still doesn't know how to react. Other people told me about what happened, asking me, What happened? They know I'm a fan, of course. I'm that big directioner fan girl in high school and college; everyone I met from 2012 till 2016 knows I love that group and how I love those boys. And all I can simply tell them is that he fell from his hotel room balcony, accidentally or by suicide; I'm not sure; he was drunk; he was high; I'm not really sure.

And the day went by, and I came home and went back to Twitter to get more information and updates. I know he was suicidal and had an alcohol problem. I think I saw an interview before that he said this thing himself and was trying to seek help. I really prayed that he would be able to seek help. He was depressed, that the days that he was one of the sources of my mental stability are the days he needs to depend on these vices to keep going so he can keep doing what he loves and to keep surviving.

It was also truly devastating to find out that this once bright, kind, and talented person I know was able to hurt and abuse so many people he was supposed to love and people who loved him. I will not excuse him for his wrongs, and I will not blame his victims for speaking out, but it was so tragic that none of them got a happy, peaceful ending. His life was not supposed to end like this; he should be able to heal, to make amends, and to live the rest of his life in content. But life is a bitch and has never been fair. And so I end my Thursday night still doesn't know how to react, still haven't had a cry. Am I even allowed to cry?

Then it's already Friday morning. He was already gone for a day. I woke up and still cannot believe that this is really happening. Then Louis, Zayn, Niall, and Harry released a joint statement regarding what happened to Liam. This is not how I imagine seeing Zayn's name on a 1D official post again. I always thought it would be the 5 of them, and it's about a reunion concert. I was still looking forward to that. I never saw all of them performing live together. I was able to attend one of their concerts, but Zayn was not present, and it's the last concert they have before they officially announced that he was quitting the band. I never thought that I would really never see them all five performing together.

So again I went with my day, still not crying, still have work to do. I also read Louis', Zayn's, and Harry's personal posts. I cannot imagine how they are feeling. They are losing their brother, their friend. Someone they truly know, someone who tried his best to support them when they're all too young to be exposed to how cruel the media can be and how disgusting the entertainment industry truly is. Niall's personal message came in a later time today, and I can understand why. He was the last one of them to see him, to spend time with him, to hug him. I really, really hope that all of the remaining four boys have the support they need in these trying times. I hope they are not alone.

Some people say they are grieving for the younger Liam and not this man he became. But I mourn for all of him, the Liam, whose dream is to perform and sing. the Liam who saw and experienced how amazing it was to reach these dreams, the Liam who found out and paid the price for reaching the said "dreams," and I will especially mourn for the Liam who could have find his way again and should have been able to heal.

So tonight, I will finally allow myself to grieve and cry for the lost that he is. To the brilliant, talented, and loved Liam James Payne. I hope you will finally find peace. I hope that your next life will be happier and more peaceful than this one. Rest in paradise, darling.