#WAAAARG ヽ(｀Д´)ﾉ

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nevermind I quit lol I am NEVER working for a corporate company again! I’ve had it! 

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I’ma get a job so I can buy gudetama facewash or die trying

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You heard of Netflix and chill now get ready for  Pokemon and dissociate :l 

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I’ve been feeling really introverted and contemplative lately and I keep thinking about my trauma; about how I’ve been healing and coping with it and how it has effected me. Like I’m much more vigilant now, even though I have really bad social anxiety it’s like my trauma has forced me past it in order to be more watchful and mindful of people and my surroundings. I notice the way people walk when they’re coming towards me, what their tone is like, how they stand, where their hands are, ect. I try to keep my cool when I go to parties, but I’ll get ruffled if a guy comes too close to me or tries to touch me. Last time I was at a party I was pretty drunk and stumbling a bit and a guy ran up to steady me and I got kinda defensive and aggro at him and I felt bad oops .___.;  I feel much safer when I’m around other girls tho, like I don’t mind if they mush on me or play with my hair or anything and I’m much more social around them too. And I’m really glad that my best friend/roomate is super protective of me too since she always keeps an eye on me during social situations and tramples any creeps that try to loom over me lol. Thankfully my anxiety and depression hasn’t been really bad since I’ve moved here. Whenever I start to relapse I go and flop on Ellie and we go cook or watch something to take my mind off it, she really helps a lot. I’ve only had like one almost-anxiety attack at a party where I started feeling panicky and wanted to escape but Ellie was there to reassure me and keep me grounded.    I feel like most of my trauma/PTSD stuff is still being surpressed and buried under like a year’s worth of dissociation. I feel tired and numb, but not in a bad way..? Like I’ve had this “I need to do this thing so I’ll be sad later” mentality since earlier this year and now I’m kinda stuck that way? Part of me is afraid of turning into this emotionless void-like thing, but I think it’s just how my mind has chosen to cope with things and I’ll break free of it eventually (I thiiiiink..???) Either that or this is just me evolving into my final form™ and I’ve just ran out of fucks to give so this is just who I am now I guess  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  ??? But thankfully I’m not having nightmares anymore, just random flashbacks sometimes and strong paranoia from certain triggers. And apparently I’ve been experiencing my PTSD symptoms for YEARS and I didn’t even know. So that’s also a thing.  A few weeks ago my eating disorder lashed out and I almost relapsed. My roomates noticed I wasn’t eating much and they got concerned ;.;  I opened up to them about it a bit, mostly about my history and how my eating disorder started and how I hide my food.  It actually feels nice being able to talk about it openly like this. Like they might not understand it the way I do but they still care enough to ask me stuff about it and talking about it really helps.  And it turns out that my skin condition is technically an auto immune disorder and would be more manageable if I stopped eating certain foods and gluten but that would probably be really dangerous for me to do considering that I’m already underweight with an eating disorder and barely eat as it is and I’d rather not turn into dust lol.  Having a skin condition sucks but I’ve lived with it my whole life thus far and it’s manageable with my daily vitamins and medicated skin cream. (Besides, it makes m’leggies extra soft.)  And I don’t really know how to close this text post now so here’s a fun fact: Plants are cute and so are you~! 💛🌱🍀🍃🍓🌼💛

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I don’t understand how some people can do bad things and hurt people and just not care ???

Like I understand that from a psychological standpoint that these people do this stuff because it ‘works’ for them and helps them “survive” in today’s society (lying, cheating, stealing ect.)  but as a really empathetic person I struggle to understand how these people can just ignore their conscious completely.  Maybe some of them do feel some sort of guilt and wish they could stop, or they feel like they can’t stop for their own wellbeing, idk I’m just rambling here but eitherway it makes my heart ache. :c

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This week has been butts

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3 days after packing my art supplies for the move™ and I'm already screeching. Everyone is talking about Inktober and I wanna draw so bad wehh  ╥╭╮╥;