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headcanonsandmore · 10 months ago

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'Nightmare Of The Black Spot'

Summary: The Doctor lands the TARDIS on a certain flat planet. Cue shenanigans and Yaz getting flirted with by a certain blonde werewolf lady.

~~~~~~~~ Read on AO3.

~~~~~~~~

‘A flat planet?’

‘I know, little bit unusual,’ the Doctor said, their blond hair swinging as they dashed around the central console. ‘But it exists! There’s a part of the universe where the usual laws of physics don’t really apply.’

Yaz stared at the time lord in bemusement, watching their friend as they worked the controls.

‘So it’s magic?’ Dan asked. The Scouser was stood off to the side, holding onto one of the yellow columns sticking out of the floor.

‘Debatable,’ the Doctor said, shooting him an irritated look. ‘Anyway, I’ll just land us, and we can have a look around.’

Yaz stared into the monitor.

‘Doctor, why are we flying in instead of just materialising?’

‘Because…’ the Doctor said, suddenly looking a little frustrated. ‘There’s a type of… background radiation that could interfere.’

‘So it is magic,’ Yaz chuckled, catching hold of the central console. ‘Just don’t land us in the sea, okay?’

The Doctor caught Yaz’s eye, and Yaz could have sworn that the time lord’s cheeks pinkened slightly as they returned her smile.

Eventually, the TARDIS stopped shaking, and the Doctor -followed by Yaz and Dan- headed out of the blue doors.

‘Ankh-Morpork!’ The Doctor said, grinning excitedly and standing with their arms raised around them. ‘The greatest city of the Discworld. The city of culture, history. The city of a million people!’

The TARDIS had landed on the edge of a bustling square. Everywhere around them were the shouts of people running stalls, chasing wayward children, and the occasional angry bark of a dog that had just had their tale trodden on.

‘Million smells, more like,’ Dan said, retching. ‘Why does it stink so much?’

‘Considering the time of year, that’s probably the river Ankh.’*

Yaz wrinkled her nose. It was pretty pungent, she had to admit. The air seemed to be filled with a weird sulphuric odour, like a student flat after too many egg sandwiches. The streets themselves didn’t help; there was a thin layer of grime covering the flagstones beneath Yaz’s feet, and she was glad of her boots. The buildings surrounding the square were packed tightly together, with the upper stories leaning out slightly into the street, giving the whole place a feel of London during the Renaissance.

Which, given that the three of them had just narrowly escaped from the great fire, was a topic of history Yaz could spot easily.

However, this thought was momentarily thrown from her mind, as her eyes widened. What looked like a dwarf from “Lord of The Rings” had just walked past, carrying an axe on their back. Their long beard was a deep red, and a thick moustache matched it.

Yaz walked to stand next to the Doctor, and whispered into the time lord’s ear. Without thinking, she also intertwined her fingers with those of the blonde.

‘Doctor… is this… like, a fantasy world?’

‘Sort-of,’ the Doctor replied. ‘It’s in a part of the universe where reality is just weak enough for unusual things to happen.’

‘Un…unusual?’

‘Yaz, if you think dwarfs are unusual, wait until you hear about the Nac Mac Feegle.’

Yaz stared at the blonde for a second. Dan seemed to have wandered off into the crowd, so there wasn’t anyone else nearby them.

‘Sometimes,’ Yaz said. ‘I get the sense you make up stuff to impress me.’

‘Do not!’

‘Next you’ll be telling me this place has tooth fairies running around.’

‘Well, technically, they tend to fly around, but their guild generally recommends that they avoid using that too much-’

Yaz let out a snicker.

‘Doctor… you are trying to impress me, just admit it.’

‘I…’ the Doctor suddenly looked bashful. ‘Well, I suppose I am. You’re my friend, Yaz; I… I want you to enjoy yourself.’

Yaz looked down at their intertwined hands. She squeezed the Doctor’s fingers softly with her own.

‘Yeah… friends.’

‘Like Tegan and Nyssa,’ the Doctor elaborated. ‘Y’ remember me telling you about them? I used to travel with them, back in the eighties.’

‘You mean the two women who shared the bedroom.’

‘Yeah!’

‘In the potentially infinite TARDIS?’

‘Come off it,’ the Doctor said, waving their free hand absentmindedly. ‘You saw their shared bedroom last week when we were trying to find the wardrobe.’

‘Yes,’ said Yaz, slowly. ‘I remember seeing that their two beds were pushed together.’

The Doctor blinked hurriedly, suddenly looking very embarrassed.

‘Oh.’

Yaz chuckled.

‘You are so oblivious at times, Doctor.’

‘I… I just thought they were friends.’

Yaz let out a sigh.

‘Yeah… why doesn’t that surprise me?’

Yaz let go of the Doctor’s hand and walked away.

Across the square, Dan was stood by a street-seller carrying a tray. Yaz could already smell cooking sausages, but declined Dan offering her one.

‘You lot from abroad?’ asked the vender, a cheerful grin on his face. ‘Welcome to Ankh-Morpork, home of the Disc’s finest food and beverages, such as those put up for purchase by myself. One sausage-inna-bun for you, miss? One dollar, and that’s cuttin’ me own throat.’

‘No, thanks,’ Yaz said. She had experience dealing with these sorts of “entrepreneurs” back home; she’d spent a considerable portion of her probation chasing these jokers around Sheffield’s city centre.

‘Shame,’ Dan said, already chomping down on his own. ‘Tastes good; cheers, mate.’

The vender doffed his cap to Dan.

‘Mr Dibbler, at your service-’ the vender stopped, suddenly packing up his tray. ‘Awfully sorry, have to run…’

With surprising speed, the man raced away down a back alley. Yaz turned to Dan, who was staring back across the square.

‘Is that the local biddies?’

Dan pointed towards the TARDIS. Two people were stood next to the box. One was a rounded man with a large, red face. The other was about half a foot shorter, and… Yaz wasn’t sure they were human or not. A elephants graveyard of cigarette butts seemed to stick out from behind their ear.

The Doctor was stood in front of them, looking very annoyed.

‘Eh, is this your craft?’

‘Yes!’ exclaimed the Doctor, gesticulating wildly with their arms. ‘Why is there a clamp on it?’

‘Illegally parked.**’

The Doctor’s face turned red, and they drew themselves up to their full height. Given they were barely five-and-a-half-feet tall, this wasn’t much. But the sergeant wasn’t much taller.

Deciding that it would probably be best to stop the Doctor making the situation worse, Yaz put a calming hand on her friends arm.

‘Doctor, let me handle this.’

She then turned to the sergeant.

‘We’d need to negotiate this,’ Yaz said, calmly. ‘After all, we are tourists and therefore unaware of the parking regulations here.’

‘Well, I dunno about that,’ said the sergeant, rubbing his chin.

‘Who’s your commanding officer?’ Yaz asked. ‘I’m sure we can resolve this with them.’

‘In that case, you best come with us,’ the sergeant replied. ‘Never heard of someone deliberately tryin’ to speak to Mister Vimes…’

* The river Ankh was one of the longest rivers on the Disc. Unfortunately, this also meant it was also one of the longest combined public latrine and sewage systems on the Disc. It wasn’t dead, as such. There were creatures living somewhere under the thick crust that covered the river but, unfortunately, they happened to be creatures that even the famously iron-stomached Morporkians didn’t want to eat.

** The laws and ordinances of Ankh-Morpork were old and complicated, in the annoying way that meant you only caught breaking them when you were busy trying to do other things. Or were trying to find your way home after a few too many drinks at 3am. Sometimes both.

Vimes was definitely not was Yaz was expecting.

A short, scruffy man with armour that looked like it hadn’t seen polish in a number of years, Vimes gave the impression of being worn by his uniform, rather than vice-versa. He looked more like an old sergeant than the commander of a peace-keeping force; Yaz had stopped men like this from falling over in parks around Sheffield.

He was also smoking a foul-smelling cigar.

Yaz waved her hand in front of her face. She was starting to wonder if everyone on this world smelled badly***.

Actually, that was unfair. There had been a captain downstairs with short, red hair that seemed to have scrubbed himself with soap to within an inch of the soaps life. The man, well over six feet tall and almost as broad across the shoulders, had skin that was almost tinged pink as a result.

By the sounds of it, his name was Carrot? This place was weird.

A woman stepped into the woman. Vimes nodded at her.

‘Thanks for coming, Angua.’

Angua, if that was her name, was tall, with long blonde hair and a figure that Yaz would have killed for barely a few years prior.

She was also rather attractive.

Bollocks, Yaz thought, feeling the heat rise in her cheeks. That was all she needed right now.

‘Listen, how can you illegally park a box?’ she said, directing her argument at Commander Vimes and not the attractive blonde woman stood nearby. ‘To park something implies that it can move.’

Vimes stared at her, taking a long and deliberate draw on his cigar.

‘You’re a copper, aren’t you, young lady?’

Yaz glared at him.

‘Former copper.’****

‘Thought so,’ Vimes replied, with a shrug. ‘You can always tell. Something about the way of thinking…’

The blond woman called Angua gave Yaz a quick wink.

Oh.

Yaz felt heat rise in her cheeks, and looked away. It wasn’t fair.*****

‘Anyway,’ Vimes said, ignoring all this. ‘Head downstairs and Angua will get the matter cleared up with-’

There was a knock at the door, and Vimes grunted in an affirmative sort of way.

A figure wearing a long beard and moustache entered the room. They were wearing a leather skirt and high-heeled work boots.

‘Sorry, sir,’ said the dwarf, politely. ‘Got an update on the Monkey Street murder from last week.’

‘Thanks, Cheery,’ said Vimes, with a nod. ‘Just leave the paperwork here and I’ll follow through with it later.’

‘Actually,’ Cheery -if that was her name- added. ‘It’s a bit urgent; best you come along now.’

‘I’ll come along,’ Yaz said.

‘Thought you said you weren’t a copper.’

‘I’m not. But I know how these things work; our enquiry gets forced down the list of priorities. Next thing we know, my friends stuck in your cell for three days because your sergeant left the paperwork under his coffee mug.’

Vimes, Angua and Cheery shared a look.

‘Fred Colon would do that, to be fair,’ Angua said.

‘Alright, fine,’ Vimes said, with a roll of his eyes as he got to his feet. ‘But your blonde friend better not wander off.’

‘I best come along as well,’ Dan said, to Yaz. ‘Don’t worry, Sheffield; I’ll keep an eye on the Doctor while you do your investigator thing.’

Yaz chuckled.

‘She’s not that bad.’

‘Speak for yourself; I remember that business with the flux.’

*** It wasn’t true, of course. But in Ankh-Morpork, dirt and grime tended to fester almost by osmosis. There was a department at the university researching the topic, to limited interest or success. Which made sense, given that most wizards liked long leisurely baths at least twice a day if they could get them.

**** Yaz liked to make this distinction very clear. She had entered the police force to do some good. The reality had unfortunately been very different although, compared to things she had read online, her experience had mercifully been dull as opposed to alarming.

***** Yaz was starting to suspect that she had a thing about blonde woman with a rebellious streak. She had taken the majority vote on this matter, but wished she hadn’t; her life was chaotic enough as it was without certain women appearing in her dreams in such a way that she was hoping against hope that the Doctor wasn’t telepathic.

Well, this place had clearly seen better days. A couple of pokey rooms on the third floor of a building. It stunk of old coats, and Yaz could have sworn that one wall had water leaking down it.

‘What do we reckon?’ Vimes asked.

‘Clearly hasn’t been lived in for a while,’ Yaz said. ‘Probably some sort of bolt-hold or hideout. You say there was a murder here?’

‘Looks like it.’

Dan was staring at one of the walls, where the wallpaper was peeling slightly. Yaz ambled over.

‘Something up, Scouse?’

‘I used to be a plasterer,’ Dan said, with a nod. ‘That’s been done way too quickly; whoever did this section was definitely trying to cover something up.’

Yaz grabbed one part of the paper, and pulled. Sure enough, a large black mark was visible on the wall behind.

Cheery gave a sigh.

‘Ah, geez******,’ said the dwarf, pulling out several vials. ‘I’ll take a sample of the wall lining behind the paper.’

Angua gave a small lop-sided smile, leaning against the wall.

‘You’re good at this, Ms Khan.’

‘Well, I try.’

Angua gave a slow nod, crossing her arms across her chest. Not that Yaz was looking, of course. No matter how attractive it looked.

‘More than just trying, by the looks of it.’

The Doctor let out a splutter, and grabbed Yaz’s hand, pulling her away from Angua.

‘If you don’t mind, me and Yaz have got things to do!’ the Time Lord exclaimed, stomping towards the door and dragging Yaz along with her. ‘Thank you!’

Dan snickered, covering his mouth with his hand.

****** ‘Geez’ being a shortening of the phrase ‘Cheesy minks’, itself a rough translation of the Dwarfish phrase ‘may giant cats give you their milk’. Contrary to popular belief, dwarfs do have a sense of humour; it just doesn’t make any sense to anyone else.

‘Well, thanks for helping us,’ Vimes said. He was stood in front of the TARDIS, with Yaz, Dan and the Doctor next to him. ‘Just make sure you don’t park here again. Come to think about it…’

He turned, staring at the Doctor quizzically.

‘How did you park this thing here? No wheels on it. This better not be magic, we have enough trouble with the wizards at the university…

‘No, no,’ the Doctor said, with a shake of their head. ‘But I’ll take your warning. Thanks for holding up your end of the bargain.’

Vimes shrugged. He looked at Yaz.

‘If you ever want a job, we’re recruiting all the time.’

Yaz shook her head.

‘Thanks but no thanks.’

Nodding as if in understanding, Vimes unlocked the clamp around the TARDIS, shook Yaz and Dan’s hands and walked off, leaving a smell of old cigar and… was that burnt toast? Strange bloke.

Yaz looked out over the city, staring up at the small sun inching its way rimwards.

‘The fate of existence is for us to decide,’ she said, softly.

‘Yaz? Did you say something?’

Yaz chuckled, and reached out, giving the blonde’s hand a squeeze and nudging them with her shoulder.

‘Just thinking to myself,’ she said. ‘C’mon, trouble; let’s get you some cocoa.’

Dan smiled as his two friends stepped into the TARDIS, before stepping in after them and closing the doors.

~~~~~~~~

Thanks for reading, everyone; hope you enjoyed this fic! This is my first Doctor Who/Discworld crossover, so I hope I got the characterisations right (and hopefully my footnote game is good XD).