#Very tiring. My Indian butt and I will be watching Literally Anything Else.

[rahabs]

Waiting for Disney and other modern showrunners to run ad campaigns for shows and movies that aren’t just shaming audience members to watch their crap by way of “if you don’t like/watch this terribly written television show/movie that we didn’t do any research for, you’re racist/homophobic/-ist/-ism/-ic/ad nauseam” grandstanding.

[x0401x]

Jeweler Richard Fanbook Short Story #13

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Ramen Story

The voice of the owner as he said “welcome” turned into a mutter at the end, fading away. I could understand how he felt. With a light, cut-and-sew jacket draped over him, a blond, blue-eyed man had come inside, standing behind another man who quite literally had the air of a student. It wouldn’t be unreasonable to wonder if he was an actor. But we were just a party of two.

“Two people,” I indicated with a peace sign. We were guided to a table seat. There were no other people around. While we were at it, we gave them the meal tickets that we had bought from the vending machine outside. A couple of negi ramen.

“What a surprise. There’s always a long queue for this shop. So that’s how shops are like right after they open in a student district?”

In this shop, currently reserved to our exclusive use, I talked without restraint about all sorts of things – about the layout of the classroom building in my campus, about the hideout-like garden in the university’s premises, about my friends and even about my teachers. The shop’s atmosphere did that to me. The man who could well be the best listener in the world let me talk as much as I wanted, occasionally making an exasperated face.

“Here, sorry for the wait. It’s hot, so be careful.”

“Thank you, thank you.”

“You too, Mr. Foreigner. This is ‘hot’.”

As Richard replied with a “thank you, madam”, the old lady laughed fickly.

Now for the ramen.

Its soup was salt-based, warm steam wafting from it. That being said, it wasn’t as if there was anything special about it. We hadn’t added any ingredients, so it was a simple one. Fermented bamboo shoots, dried seaweed, fish cake and a large helping of green onions.

We silently put our hands together to thank for the meal, taking the chopsticks and parting them with a snap. I took the dwindled noodles, then opened my mouth wide and filled it with them. I tried to make as little noise as possible.

Delicious.

This shop’s ramen was simple, but it was a strong ally for a student’s cold pockets and quick-to-get-hungry stomach. It stayed steadily in your belly, resolutely reminding you for about three hours that you had eaten ramen today. And above all else, the animalistic joy of eating without thinking was more irreplaceable than anything else. Tasty food was great.

By the moment I was done with my very-IQ-lacking monologue of “thank you, o ramen; o ramen, thank you”, there was only a little bit left of the contents of my bowl. Still eating the green onion ramen without a sound, Richard looked at me with upturned eyes from his bended posture. Those blue eyes made me seriously wonder if there weren’t gemstones inserted in them.

“Hey, you got a moment?”

“As you wish. Whatever you please.”

When I prefaced it with, “This is serious talk – super, super serious talk”, he made a face that screamed, “You’re being too long-winded”, so I went straight to the point.

“I didn’t think you’d actually come eat ramen with me.”

I hadn’t imagined that the day would come when I could eat a bowl of ramen for 450 yen at a historical, cozy ramen shop in the student town with this beautiful man who usually only wore suits. I hadn’t at all. Even now, another side of me was still tilting his neck somewhere within my mind, wondering about “how things came to this”.

Ever since around the time I had started working part-time in Ginza, I had no sense of reality. Not even about the fact that I would later be going to Sri Lanka. No, of course, I was fully ready and had a Visa, so I was in a phase where all I had left to do was get on the plane and I was making the oh-so-busy Richard help me out with that, but...

Richard took a sip of the salt-based soup with the china spoon, then glanced at me. “So you were not expecting anything from me, is that it?”

“No way. On the contrary.”

When I said that I just didn’t think he would give me the OK, Richard’s lips curved in the shape of an arc, and after looking for napkins on the table, he realized that there weren’t any, so he took a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe his mouth.

“I value the accuracy of your palate. It is obvious that, if you have a shop you like, I would want to try eating there.”

“Thank you. And for remembering about it too.”

Soon after I had started working part-time, I was introduced to a stone called chrysoprase. I once laughed my butt off when I learned that the etymology of the fresh green-colored stone included the meaning of “leek” or “green onion”. The topic then changed into ramen, and we, the shopkeeper and part-timer who subtly had not yet thrown off reserve with each other, talked about liking green onion ramen, what kinds of toppings we preferred, and other such things. I had kind of thought that “it’d be nice to go have ramen with this guy someday”. Back then, to me, Richard was someone as far-off as the moon and stars that shone in outer space. Of course, he was still as resplendent as the moon and stars even now, but he didn’t feel as distant.

Once I was done drinking the soup up to it’s last drop, I heaved a small sigh. “That was delicious. Last time eating Japanese ramen and this one for a while, huh.”

“How about putting instant ramen in your suitcase?”

“I ain’t used to making those. I’m the type that goes out to eat ramen rather than making instant ones. But there’s curry roux inside. Weird story, isn’t it? I’m going to a curry culture zone, yet I’m taking curry with me.”

“Analyzing Indian and Sri Lankan curry by Japanese curry standards can cause serious stomach problems. Beware.”

I puffed out my chest, saying that I had properly prepared myself for this because he had already told me about it before, to which the beautiful man gave a little sigh.

“May I also talk about a truly serious topic?”

When I told him that didn’t mind it at all and that I wanted to hear it, Richard looked at my face directly. It made me nervous. What was he going to tell me, I wondered.

“I did not think that you would actually invite me out for ramen.”

“Me?”

“Yes. I honestly did not.”

“Why?”

As I kept on tilting my neck at that sentence, which you wouldn’t think would come from someone like him – who looked like just breathing was enough for him to get invited to eat out –, Richard spoke to me reticently. He told me that people were quick to come towards him, but there were also those who surrounded him from a distance, watching him without trying to shorten the distance between him and themselves. So this kind of thing also happened?

Looking back, I was also from the keep-a-distance group at first. But I sucked at giving up, and whenever something that made me happy happened, I would be overjoyed no matter how many times I remembered about it, so every time I recalled the chrysoprase talk, I would find myself thinking that I should invite him out for ramen. It just so happened that the desire for this “someday” had amplified as the number of times that I thought about it increased, and I had finally voiced it this spring.

The shop was tiny and had a bit of a mysterious scent, but it was truly delicious. It would be closing this spring. I was concerned about what to do if he declined it with an awkward face, but the response I got after speaking up was a “When will it be?” without a moment’s delay.

“Was it okay to have invited you?”

“What do you think?”

“Well, I was just thinking I was glad that I invited you, but...”

The reply was a short-range smile. That slightly tired face with no sense of uneasiness to it was bad for the heart. But I was gonna get used to it. I had to.

“Still, was it really all right? That I was the one you had a meal with for the last time at a shop that you have fond memories of, I mean. Would it not have been better to do so with the friends that you always ate with?” Richard asked.

Hmm. So he was gonna bring that up, huh?

“Well, well, thank you very much for your superb consideration. But I’m glad it was with you.”

“Is that so?”

“I’m glad it was with you. Not anyone else; with you.”

I had learned many lessons even in just four years of university, such as that things were shifting, everything kept changing over and over, the green onion ramen shop would be gone, I would be leaving for Sri Lanka in the near future and there was no telling how my life was going to be from now on. But this jeweler was a man who knew very well how to cherish a memory.

Only to people like that did I entrust the things I didn’t want to forget.

Bidding a courteous farewell to the elderly shopkeeper and old lady employee, we exited the shop. Cars rushed on the Yasukuni Avenue. Kasaba during holidays was so quiet that it felt like a different world. As the wind softly blew, the cherry trees planted along the street shook and their pale pink petals scattered about.

“That was delicious, huh~. You got any plans for later?”

“I am going to help Saul with chores. We are not boorish enough to engage in business talk after just eating ramen.”

I stole a peek at his profile as he started chewing on a mint gum. The beautiful man brushed cherry blossom petals off his golden hair. He offered me one of the white gums, asking if I wanted to eat it.

I probably wouldn’t forget this sight. Even if that ramen shop was gone, even if my address was no longer in Tokyo.

Richard tilted his head a little, as I was still staring at his face even after accepting the gum. “Anything the matter?”

“Aah, sorry. Your beauty was like you’ve come from another world, so I spaced out.”

I then changed the topic, saying I was going to think about what to have for dinner or something. There were still lots of shops that I wanted to visit while I was still in Japan, though they were all set-meal and chain ones. I didn’t think I was able to hide my melancholy, but he’d probably act like he didn’t see anything. I was grateful for that.

In the middle of our walk to the train station, I looked back at the cityscape one last time and wordlessly offered a moment of silence to it.

Thank you for everything; I’m off!

[cosmosogler]

aaaa my hands get all sweaty when i hold a game controller. also i should really probably be wearing my glasses.

today i had such a nasty, tiring dream that i slept in! i got up at 9:25. so i slept in less than yesterday... 

my dream was disorienting... i feel like it should have taken place in college, but it looked more like everyone was high school aged, and acted that way too. the topic kept changing, even though i stayed in more or less the same area for the whole dream. it was, like, a marketplace, with a farmer’s market, but also there were a lot of drab gray buildings with paper stuffed into every available space on every window. the road was dirt. everyone was playing some sort of game that i didn’t understand. also i was trying to shop, but i didn’t like anything i saw in any of the stores. and when i thought i had gotten to a store with what i was looking for (i don’t know what i was actually looking for, but i had a feeling it was in there!!!) i saw a bunch of burly, sweaty dudes with no faces. so i backed out haha. then the game changed? people were... trying to get behind each other? i think the technique was different for everyone. but they were trying to suck each others’ souls out and that was how they won for the round. i think... the participants were supposed to get better, at some point... but i wasn’t playing, just watching and trying to figure out the rules. eventually i wandered out into the playing field and started talking to some of the participants. they were friendly enough, but i kind of got the feeling they didn’t want me there. eventually the girl from the shining came out of the crowd, grabbed me by the shoulders, spun me around, and sucked out my soul!!! it hurt a lot, indescribably. like... if your soul could get sucked out, that’s definitely what it would feel like!

i tried to scream but i couldn’t move at all. eventually i tried so hard that i woke up screaming. but i was in a weird unfamiliar place and my face was being shoved into the pillow. then my alarm went off and i woke up for real all sweaty and tired. cool!!!!!!!!!!!

so after that wonderful start to my day, i pet eve for a little bit, and then i got up and got ready for the day and stuff. i tried making some tea that i found in the cabinet... it wasn’t very good. i found the rest of the video games in the pile of stuff dad brought in from the garage last night. and i watched two episodes of cry plays: soma. it’s a really good game, but i wouldn’t be very good at it. horror games aren’t really under my “favorite genres” umbrella. instead of getting scared i get frustrated that i might have to replay a large portion of the game since traditionally save/heal points are pretty few and far between. it took me FOREVER to get through metroid prime because i would hover around the checkpoint nervously before continuing haha. half life was kind of a slog that way too, even though i really liked both those series.

then i went and picked up asher. i almost got hit when i was trying to get on the freeway... it’s always crowded at that particular exit and trying to actually get on the freeway is kind of dangerous. and nobody was using their turn signals today! and getting into the lane i was trying to get into while in my blind spot and also not using turn signals!!! and then i could tell the guy i accidentally cut off was SUPER mad because he started going like 90 miles an hour while everyone else was going 50 and cut in front of me and then swept over to the far lane. ok, buddy. like... yeah, ok, i could have probably spent more time figuring out if he was changing lanes right next to me or not. but when you use your turn signal you gotta hop over pretty quick or else people around you stop making room. i think since phoenix is so big, everyone feels like they have to drive 8-15 mph over the speed limit to get where they’re going in a reasonable amount of time. and also they don’t make room for you in the next lane over unless you turn on your turn signal, wait exactly 1 second, and then butt in. that’s literally the only way to get on the freeway some exits.

i avoid the exit lanes when i’m on the freeway unless i’m getting off at the next exit. honestly i’m shocked that i haven’t been in a crash yet.

anyway, i brought asher over to my house and we hung out in the living room exclusively. i guess that was ok, since the house is a total mess with half-unpacked boxes everywhere. i ripped my room apart today looking for the super nintendo. didn’t find it. mom found it later though in a box grouped with a bunch of my sister’s boxes. it was the only box i never checked because i thought we had already looked through it when we were searching for the wii u. 

asher made me curse while i was in the car. he said something, and i repeated the sentence back to him in a “you’re not...” sort of way, and i didn’t realize i had said it until my mouth made a really unfamiliar shape haha. it wasn’t his fault, but i was kind of annoyed with myself for not paying attention to my words.

while asher and i were lounging around catching up on steven universe, my brother pointed out that doge had pooped on the floor in front of the back door. we didn’t notice... i felt stupid. my brother went and got dad, and then... he picked up diogi, shoved her nose in it, and then literally threw her outside. then he went outside and we didn’t hear anything for a really long time. my brother, asher, eve, wiley, and i kind of stared at each other awkwardly for a while. 

like... hitting a dog is never ok. but i could understand being frustrated with maybe wiley, because he’s a young adult and should know better by now, and also he would theoretically have better control over his bodily functions. and he does go in the house, and it is frustrating. but doogles is hella old, and also disabled. she cannot walk for very long. she can hustle, but sometimes she falls down. i can’t imagine she can hold it for very long. she usually goes right after dinner... i don’t know why my brother didn’t let her outside after he fed them? and then, like, got mad at me when it happened? 

i just need a break from dad for a while. i don’t understand why diogi likes him so much. he calls her a retard and hits her sometimes and doesn’t really brush her or anything. i think he exudes such a powerful “dad” aura that the dogs just defer to him. i mean, that’s how packs work, isn’t it? maybe doge thinks she owes her life to him since he took her from lonnie, who abused her more regularly.

dad interrupted our steven universe marathon but i don’t remember what he said. but, like, the show was actively on, and we were clearly watching it, and he felt the need to insert a conversation (run and participated in by him alone) over the dialogue. i’m not sure if asher really caught the ending or not.

anyway... after that asher and i headed out to michaels to get some markers. we talked about the show for a bit during the car ride. then we went to indian food, as is our habit. the usual waiter wasn’t there today, but i saw some new people. maybe it’s because we were there on the weekend instead of on thursday. then we talked about jojo for like two hours. it was great. we revisited a lot of the same topics that we have talked about before, but it’s been like three weeks since i last saw asher, so i didn’t really mind. 

however my sense of direction was super out of whack for the whole drive, i could not figure out where i was or where the stores we were trying to get to were. i think i was stressed about diogi. 

i was also really jittery. it may have been the tea from this morning... asher noticed. he said it might be anxiety. i would agree, but i’ve been like this for a really long time. as in, always. he also suggested adhd but i don’t seem to display any of the other symptoms of that. but you know what causes the restlessness and twitching? anxiety and depression. so maybe it was. i guess i’ve had depression for basically my whole life. my classmates at christian school used to make fun of me for it. the twitching, i mean. 

however i was REALLY uncomfortable today, physically. i couldn’t get my ankles to sit right and i kept moving my legs while we were trying to watch tv. the jerking really only stops when i am actively exercising. even right afterward i’m right back to twitching and squirming. 

nobody these days acknowledges it (except my group therapist; she points it out when she thinks i am more anxious than usual, but really i just do it constantly until someone notices and then i have to consciously stop). but i know they see it. it’s really hard to keep my eyes on something static for more than a few seconds... like a book or screen. 

when i was filling out paperwork for the sleep study the doctors decided it was restless legs syndrome. but it’s every single muscle in my body ha... it feels like static is building up every time i don’t move and i have to MOVE or else it gets unbearable. i usually just wrinkle my nose, or jitter my knees, or tap or bump something with my palm just above the wrist. 

anyway, it was worse than usual today, and it sucked, and was really annoying. 

when i got home i booted up undertale and got through the mettaton fight, and also burned down undyne’s house. so i just gotta befriend alphys and that should complete everything i need for the pacifist run.

so now it’s 12:30. i’ve been writing for about 50 minutes... i got distracted trying to describe my problem to google. every word i use points back to anxiety... 

but i fidget even on days when i’m not that stressed? i don’t get it. 

tomorrow i find out if i am still going to have therapy at the hospital or not. i haven’t told anyone yet... i figured i would bring it up if it became relevant. like, if i wasn’t able to go any more. if i am allowed to continue, then there isn’t really a point in reporting it. i’m still stressed about it though...

i shall do my pokemons, and check some monday stuff, and then try to sleep. sure hope i don’t die horribly again in my dreams tonight!

[suzyqrara]

August 22, 2019

So today I had an awful attitude that led Mason to have an awful tantrum that could almost have ended very badly for both of us. I can’t sleep, though I’m tired, so I wanted to ease my mind by replaying what happened and then going back and figuring out what I should have done to make the outcome different. The day was fine in the beginning. Mason went to Skyzone camp, I picked him up, I prepared him for going to the store with Jessica TO PREVENT a tantrum as she pulls up at my house.  FIRST IRRITANT: I made Mason a “special” mac and cheese with Butternut Squash and other ingredients to make the cheesy sauce part.  I spent an hour preparing the squash (baking it) then dicing it, then blending it with other ingredients.  I made him a plate of my new mac and cheese.  I tried it and it was NOT GOOD.  I gave it to him because I had nothing else to give him and he sat to eat with no issues, but he did not like it.  I sighed heavily and angerly, but I understood why he didn’t want to eat it. I threw it out and I gave him pasta with spaghetti sauce and hotdogs. I was upset because I couldn’t cook my son food he liked.  He has been eating bad food all week because he doesn’t like the food that I make.  So I wasn’t mad at him not liking the mac and cheese, I was mad at him for refusing to eat the food I prepare for him.  This is when I started to feel a little moody.  Then, Mason had pasta sauce all over his clothes, I told him to change it.  I got upset about that because I thought if Jessica would have come now, we wouldn’t leave until an hour from now. I was irritated that he couldn’t eat neatly. He ended up changing his underwear too and I told him if you change your underwear then we will have to take a quick shower.  He was sweaty from Skycamp and I initially wanted to bathe him right before sleep. But if he puts on new underwear now and then puts on another pair 2 hours later because we took a bath, it would have been a waste of clean underwear. After a little repeating, he agrees to take a quick shower.  He took the shower and I finally ate my dinner.  I got upset at my dinner because it wasn’t satisfying.  I made a burger again with lettuce which was amazing and I ate cauliflower for the veggie. It was really nasty. IRRITANT 2: So I got upset again because it confirmed that I am not a good cook and I got irritated. After eating, Jessica texted me and told me she was at my house.  I put on Mason’s shoes and I let down my hair.  IRRITANT 3: I started to sweat really bad and it added to my irritability.  I went to go get the booster seat and Mason stayed home to finish putting on his shoes.  IRRITANT 4: He came out crying and that got me super irritated because I KNEW he was crying over something really stupid.  I walked up to him very annoyed and said, “what happened?”  He told me that something was pointy in his shoes. I told him lets go in the car and Ill take care of it later.  He started taking off his shoes and I KNEW we would take an hour before he went inside the car.  I got even more irritated and I literally said, “I hate you right now.” Under my breath.  I took the shoe to see if anything was inside of it and there wasn’t.  I put on the shoe and I told him to get in the car.  He kept crying but this time he was crying because I was mad at him. Jessica didn’t help, she was giving him an attitude and I started giving him an attitude because he wasn’t calming down and when we tell him to wait he would say ,”NO” so I screamed, “Shut UP” This set the tone for the rest of the night.  Once I blew some steam in our drive to the eyebrow place for Jessica I got a little energy to help him with his shoes.  Jessica went to get her eyebrows done and I went outside into the back seat and took off his shoes and socks because apparently something in his socks was pointy. I took off his socks and told him we will have to walk without socks for today.  We then went to Kohls.  As we were getting out of the car, Mason was giving me a hard time getting out the car. He was mocking me and hitting me. This annoyed me so I reminded him if he wanted “nice mommy” to stay, he needed to make sure he was a nice Mason. I told him if he was a good boy at the store, I would give him a kiss.  He was good for a good while.  He was so good I decided I would buy him a dinosaur shirt he wanted.  We were walking around the store fine with his shirt.  Then we went into the cashier line.  Mason hit me or did something that embarrassed me. I don’t really remember what it was but I did feel embarrassed. I was on alert to make sure he does not continue the embarrassing behavior.  I told him to stop doing something which he didn’t stop. Then I saw him breathing on the mirror and he looked like he didn’t have any sense.  I automatically intervened and went up to his face and told him to stop breathing on the mirror or I will not buy the shirt for him.  He tested me and he still breathed in the mirror.  I did what I said I was going to do and I told him, “ok I am not buying the shirt anymore.” He started wailing and embarrassed me even more.  I told him we are not buying the shirt.  He screamed again, “I want the shirt”  I tried taking the shirt from him and he wouldn’t give it to me.  He started running away from me with the shirt.  I decided I needed to get us out of the line, so I started walking out of the line and told him to follow me.  I walked far and he stayed there crying.  He started throwing the shirt on the floor and picking it up to throw it again.  I went up to him to get the shirt but as I came closer to him, he began walking away from me.  So, I turned around and started walking further away from him.  This worked because as I was getting farther, he started to follow me. He followed me up to the shoes and I decided I need to make him sit on my lap so, A) I can get the shirt and B) I can control him a little more because the last thing I wanted was to chase him down the store.  I held him and I told him I will let go as soon as he calms down.  He was screaming “let go of me!” IRRITANT FACTOR THAT WENT FROM 5 TO 10. This reminded me of Sive from North star.  I kept holding on to him and he would turn his body and became hard for me to keep holding him.  He finally calmed down a little bit and I told him to give me the shirt. Then he started all over again.  I yanked the shirt out of his hand and put it somewhere next to me where he couldn’t get it.  He started squirming to get the shirt.  He squirmed so much that he slid out of my arms and that's when I decided we needed to get the fuck out of this store.  I took his hand and started walking, but he kept resisting.  I stopped holding his arm because if I would have kept on holding him, it would have looked like abuse.  I started walking from him again and he started screaming “mommy”.  I turned around and stuck out my hand to show ppl that I am asking him to hold my hand. He said NO.  I walked further from him near the exit, same thing “Mommy!”  I hold out my hand…”NO”.  Walked to the exit and I took his arm and walked him to the car with ANGER…with PURPOSE and I knew I was about to lay down the law in the car. I took him to the car, I opened the door and told him to get inside. He started saying “no” so, I hovered my body to him and slightly pushed him inside the car. His legs were where I was planning on sitting so I forcefully moved his legs.  I closed the door and pulled down his pants and hit his butt with my palm three times.  I screamed so loud and I got in his face because I needed him to feel my RAGE.  I took a flip flop off and I hit his shin with my flip flop. Then some Indian lady knocks on the car door and tells me I shouldn’t hit my child.  Anyway, it was really awkward.  I told her I was giving him “pow pows” because of how he was acting in the store.  IDK why I felt the need to explain myself but I did.  Jessica tried to stand up to her.  But I wanted to keep this professional and I did not want to let my emotions take over with this bitch too because then it would have started an even bigger scene and I hate when ppl watch.  I didn’t want to seem crazy so, I said: “I appreciate your concern, but he was not behaving properly in the store I will give him ‘pow pow’ in the butt.” I seemed like such a little wimp.  I didn’t know what to say but I explained myself to her.  Anyway, that’s something for another day.  Anyway, she kept repeating it over and over, “it's against the law.” Blah blah. I responded with “thank you again for your concern but it is unnecessary” and I went into the passenger side of the car and we drove off.  I started screaming awful things.  I was embarrassed, humiliated and I felt so awful for being such a bad mom. I started telling Mason I didn’t want to be his mom anymore. I started screaming how I didn’t want to be a parent anymore.  I called mason “fucking asshole” and just verbally shitted everywhere, screaming so loud and so high pitched. I needed to let my anger out and I didn’t care what Jessica thought of me. I didn’t care how awful I sounded, I was so angry.  I was even angrier after saying mean things about Mason.  I started getting from angry at Mason, to angry at myself and I started to cry like a baby.  Mason looked so scared and I told him he was going to have a new mommy because I didn’t want to be his mommy anymore if he acts like that.  I told him to shut up a second time in the car.

So now how things could have been different.

It was all manageable up until I saw him breathing on the mirror.  What I should have done was told him to look at me and told him this, “Mason, I told you to stop breathing on the mirror.  You are still breathing on the mirror, this tells me you are trying to be “bad Mason.”  Is bad Mason trying to come out?”  He would have easily told me no.  if he would have given me attitude, I would have said, “If bad Mason is coming out that means “bad mommy” will be out soon.  Do you want “mean mommy” to come out?”  He would have cried, but he would have stopped breathing.  I would have then told him, “If you want to keep “nice mommy”, I need you to be a “good mason” and listen to me when I say stop breathing on the mirror.”  That would have gotten Mason to stop 100%.  I think I did fine while he was having his tantrum, I tried staying as calm and collected as possible.  When we got into the car, I should have sat in the passenger seat and just waited for him to stop crying.  For Mason, it is enough punishment to see me angry and not talking to him.  Then when he calmed down, I would have calmed down and I would talk to him.  This would have been better.  Mason is a good boy and he hates it when I am mad at him.  He starts defending himself and then acting even meaner because he is upset he made me upset.  I don’t want to hit him anymore because he knows “mean mommy” now and I don’t want him to remember me as always being “mean mommy.”  I'll remind him time to time about “mean mommy” when he is irritating the shit out of me, but I won’t hit him anymore because I felt humiliated when that bitch was telling me I shouldn’t hit kids.  Even though she is an ass hole for intervening and judging me.  I am thankful for people like her because they stand up for children whose parents are psycho fucks and they hit them for a living.  I don’t want someone judging me as a psycho parent.  That was humiliating.