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moviebuilding · 5 years ago

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Shoebox Adventures- the power of space in Roy Andersson’s “A Pigeon Sat On A Branch Reflecting On Existence”

In 2014, Swedish commercial-maker Roy Anderson tried to bring his school science fair project to the Cannes film festival. A series of solemn set-pieces on the human condition shot in hyper-real grey spaces that simultaneously evoke familiarity and discomfort, his odd little diorama was bound to make a storm.

Except Cannes rejected it.

But Venice let it in! And thank god they did, saving this cinematic gem from public negligence and (a mere 6 years later) bringing it to my attention! “A Pigeon”, as I will now be referring to it, is almost certainly the strangest film I have ever seen. It might also be one of the most wonderful, thought-provoking and funny films as well. Characters, plot and setting are largely absent or deliberately vague, instead thrown in the all-consuming mixing pot known as ‘mood’. But when you’re telling a story about the nuances and complexities of humanity, it seems stupid to make it like a story. Much of it is left for the viewer to assert their own personal interpretations, to feel what they feel from the film’s peculiar exhibits. Not because “A Pigeon” has set out to confuse or provoke different audiences, but because different people see life differently. And this film has something for those different views. Who knows, it might even help them live alongside one another.

As part of my recent architectural fad, I thought this would be a great chance to explore the power of spaces within films, which is probably the medium in which we consume the largest quantity and variety of architecture. What Anderson has done with his little spaces is all kinds of captivating. Natural and alien, his scenes grow and decay off the tiniest differences. Now, to work!.

The opening scene puts everything on the table as to what we’re in for. Peering at a talcum powdered women scolding a talcum powdered man peering at stuffed birds in the world’s greyest museum, accompanied by plinky strings, you can already tell this isn’t going to infringe on The Fast and the Furious’ turf. The camera sticks 10 feet back from the ‘action’ and never once zooms or pans, so we can continually survey the scene without any distracting close-ups, leaving the characters spied-on but not fully known. The open doorways and windows are everpresent throughout the movie, a clever trick to alleviate feelings of claustrophobia. This also serves to give us a view to equally stately goings-on in the background, which helps to create Andersson’s diorama world. Every wall is flat in colour and texture, the lighting uniformly gloomy with no hint of natural light or shadow. And the cages that hold the taxidermy are metaphors for our cages of loneliness in the modern world, but you knew that already.

This hospital scene starts out as static, a painting-like arrangement of a classic scene, the children witnessing the gradual passing of their mother. Andersson keeps it uncluttered by having the dialogue occur two doorways away.

And yet after pleasantries are dispatched and pretence discarded, the whole scene swirls like Vertigo; the brothers contort, the sister slumps in her chair, the presumed-still body of the mother’s body squawks out in alarm as her bed is dragged sideways across the room. We do not zoom in to see her anguished face, making her all the more powerless and the viewer confused at what to feel. The nurse arrives silently at the threshold, hesitant to cross into this family’s hysteria. She watches the painting come to life and ruin itself, just as we do. The notion of characters watching characters is one that Andersson returns to a lot in “A Pigeon”, which ultimately provides a heavy dose of the film’s realism. In traditionally-shot movies, the two-way dialogue close-ups obscure the silent characters from our interest. Andersson lets us see them gawp, knowing we do too.

A romantic getaway might seem like a departure from the film’s predominantly urban setting, but whilst the sand and soundtrack provides the impression of a beach-scene, we are actually in another of Andersson’s dioramas. The intimacy of the couple is uncomfortable, and not just for the man’s awkward movements or their judging dog. The wall-like dunes rise up, obscuring the horizon as a pair of far-off high rises intrusively leer into shot. The sky is a pastel blue, withholding any sense of time or importance on the moment we’re presented with, the mutt our audience sleeper agent who stiffly watches it unfold.

The closest the film gets to any main characters are a pair of grey-clad salesmen who potter about the scenes with mixed financial success. Throughout the film we get to know them, and thus Sam and Jonathan carry the largest targets on their back for Andersson’s gentle ridicule, here pictured bursting into the bar like outlaws into a wild-west saloon, in which they explain that they’ve gotten lost looking for a mythical shop named ‘Party’. The gorgeous painted background, viewed through a window, is our first glimpse of a horizon- a grey/green wasteland dominated by gargantuan transmission towers. our heroes have traversed this wilderness, by foot or car we are never told, to find the Party and reap the rewards! Unfortunately for them such a place does not appear to exist, and fortunately for us they are cut off from their usual sales pitch by the arrival of the army of King Charles XII.

You need to go and watch it!

Sam and Jonathan’s spaghetti western (perhaps Swedish meatball western?) journey is revived somewhat later, with what looks like a briefcase-wielding standoff inexplicably located next to a railway. This normally charged setting is relieved of all potency by their slow hobbling around the mid-ground, exchanging insults and emptying briefcases. Which makes it more pathetic, more silly and more real. Probably the three words I’d use to describe the film.

The cruelty sequence of the film begins in a stark grey laboratory. A monkey is hooked up to electrodes and shocked according to a time. The scientist talks vapidly on the phone. In the room behind another technician feeds the remaining inmates. The monkey is closer to the camera than almost any other character through ‘A Pigeon’, close enough to see it writhe. Out the window are more grey high-rise buildings, now somewhat more suspicious and responsible for the monkey’s torture. Andersson’s world is the same palette and yet it’s ever-changing, the mood altering with each new skit. The monkey has nowhere in the film to escape to, you can’t imagine a happy ending for it and thus it’s the most blatant moraliser of the film (until the next scene).

The scene in question witnesses African slaves forced by British colonial soldiers to march into a giant cylindrical drum with horns protruding out. It’s then set alight, and we squirm as it spins, implying the frantic scrambling of those inside to produce a resonant rumble while we watch from a safe distance. I won’t spoil what happens next, but it’s sufficiently sobering.

Waking from this horrible dream, Jonathan wails to Sam to make sure the viewer got the point the point of this sequence- “Is it right to benefit from the pain of others?”. Andersson makes his plea the more pathetic and powerful by giving us a view to his sink and mirror, the latter a reminder of his role in the pain.

Once Jonathan is told to go back to sleep, the camera stays resolutely on the corridor. It is a bizarre space. The flat doors defy depth, the corridor is long yet finite, grubby yet sterile, lonely yet constantly surveyed by the permanently grumpy security guard.

i hope you enjoyed this dip into “A Pigeon”, and I say dip because there’s about 39 scenes in total and I wasn’t going to do all of them (for free *wink wink*). I thoroughly recommend that you watch this film (and currently you can for free on all4 in the UK) and then maybe re-watch it two more times. You may not like much of it, some of it or most of it. But I think you will love part of it. And that can be your bit of it, to take to parties and share with everyone else. Because like the hokey cokey, that’s what it’s all about.

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btsqualityy · 6 years ago

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BTS Wedding Series #11: The Honeymoon

Soo everyone, this is the final part of this series, which makes me sad lol because I love this series. However, I have an idea for another series so be on the look out for that. Also please remember, I do take requests and that’s what I will be writing and posting while I work on my new idea. I hope you guys like this part and thank you so much for all the love!

Kim Seokjin

Venice, Italy

“Alright everyone,” Jin said as he set up the camera against the wall of the table you two were sitting at. “As you guys may know, Y/N and I chose Italy as our honeymoon place and since we’re here, we decided to come try some of their pizza.”

“Their spaghetti and ravioli too,” you added.

“Here goes,” Jin smiled as you both picked up your slices of pizza, taking big bites. Simultaneously moaning at how good it is, Jin smiles at you at your identical reactions as he sets his pizza back on the plate.

“Isn’t she made for me you guys?” Jin asks the camera, watching as comments flood in. You blush and cover you face with your hands.

“Here jagi, try this,” Jin advises and you move your hands from your face. He’s holding up a small thing that looks kind of like a dumpling.

“What is it?” You ask, raising an eyebrow.

“It’s called gnocchi,” he says. “It’s like a dumpling with egg and cheese inside.”

Nodding, you open your mouth and Jin plops it inside. Chewing thoroughly, you end up smiling.

“It’s good,” you confirm. Jin smiles and kisses your cheek.

“Stick with me jagi. I’ll never steer you wrong,” he winks.

Min Yoongi

Koh Tao, Thailand

The sultry beat of ‘Dance Like We’re Making Love’ spurs you to swirl your hips as you mix the pancake batter. This morning was your third day in Thailand and Yoongi and you had done nothing but sleep for the first two days. Well, that and other things.

“Y/N?” You hear Yoongi’s husky voice call out. You turn and see him standing in the door way of the kitchen, shirtless and his boxers hanging low on his hips.

“Hi baby,” you smile. He walks over to you and wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you close so that your back is flush against his chest.

“Woke up and you weren’t there,” he mumbles, nuzzling his face in your neck.

“I know. I thought I’d come make us so breakfast before we set out for the day,” you explained. He nodded and moved with you as you flipped the pancakes on the stove. After a few minutes of watching you finish the food and plate it up, Yoongi suddenly turns you around so that you’re facing him. Bending down, he scoops you up in his arms.

“Yoong!” You squeal. He carries you to the nearest counter, setting you on top. He parts your legs and slots himself in between them, fingertips digging into your thighs.

“Can I get a proper good morning now?” He asks, smirking at you. Rolling your eyes playfully, you place your arms around his neck before pulling him in for a harsh kiss. He slips his tongue into your mouth and sets his palms on your butt, rubbing softly.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay in again today?” Yoongi asked with a hopeful smile once he had pulled away from your lips.

“No! Come on baby. We’re only here for five more days and there’s so much to do,” you protested. Seeing how important it was to you, Yoongi chuckled and nodded. He pulled you off of the counter and kissed your forehead.

“We better eat if we’re gonna get started then, yeah?” He winked at you.

Kim Namjoon

Panama City, Panama

You and Namjoon held hands as you followed behind the tour guide. When choosing your honeymoon destination, you and Namjoon wanted to go somewhere where you could do more than just lay out on the beach everyday. You both wanted an adventure, which is what led you two on this hike of Cerro Ancon.

“Just a little further folks,” the tour guide announced as she looked behind her at you both. Nodding, Namjoon turned to you once she started walking again.

“Didn’t she say that like 20 minutes ago?” He asked, making you giggle and nod.

“Be patient baby,” you cooed, patting his cheek. You all continued to walk for 5 minutes until you reached the peak of the small mountain.

“Well, here we are. You can see the outline of town down there,” the tour guide pointed out, making you look in that direction. “And there you can see the docks.”

“It’s breathtaking,” you gushed, staring out at the landscape. Out of nowhere, you saw a flash and you whipped around, see Namjoon holding his phone up in your direction.

“Joon!” You whined, feeling embarrassed. Chuckling, Namjoon put his phone in his pocket before coming up behind you. He wrapped his arm around your waist and put his chin in the crook of your neck.

“Sorry jagi. You just looked so beautiful, just like this view,” he whispered, making you smile widely as you laid your hands on his.

Jung Hoseok

Aruba

“Come on, Hobi!”

“No. Absolutely not,” he pouted as he sat on the dock. Smiling at his attitude, you swam back over to him and held onto his legs that were dangling in the water.

“They’re gentle, I swear,” you tried to convince him.

“You don’t know that Y/N! They’re wild animals.”

“It’s a sting ray Hobi.”

“And? They killed Steve Irwin and he chased fucking tigers and crocodiles for a living,” he pointed out, making you laugh at his over dramatics.

“Please Hobi,” you pouted. “I’ll make it worth your while,” you added, biting your lip seductively. His eyebrows raised and he found himself quickly sliding into the water next to you. You both swam over to where the trainer was floating in the water.

“Ok, be very gentle. Make sure you have a light touch,” he instructed, making you nod. You reached out and touched the skin of the sting ray, marveling at how it felt on your fingertips. You turned to Hobi, who was watching you wearily.

“See babe? Come try,” you encouraged him. He slowly came up next to you and slowly touched the sting ray. After a few gentle rubs, you saw him visibly relax.

“This isn’t so bad,” he whispered, touching the sting ray with both hands now.

“I told you,” you teased, leaning over to kiss his cheek.

Park Jimin

Sonoma, California

“Oh! You should try this one jagi,” Jimin says as he grabs the wine bottle and proceeds to pour some into your empty glass. “It tastes great.”

After coming to the States for work with the boys, Jimin fell in love with the atmosphere of California. After hearing him gush about it so much, you decided you had to see what the hype was for yourself so you two decided to make California your honeymoon destination.

“I don’t think I need anymore Jimin-ssi,” you giggled, already feeling a little tipsy. You and Jimin decided to spend the day touring a wine vineyard and factory, which included complimentary wine tasting.

“Just try this last one and then we can get you some water to help sober you up a little,” he smiled. You nodded and took ahold of your wine glass, taking a small sip of it. After smacking your lips lightly a few times, you nodded your head at Jimin.

“This is really good,” you agreed. Knowing that it wouldn’t be wise for you to finish the half full glass, you handed it off to Jimin. Just like you thought, he immediately chugged the rest of the wine, not even blinking afterwards.

“I will never understand how you can drink so much and not be majorly affected,” you wondered. He shrugged and poured you a cup of water, handing it to you when he was finished.

“I mean, you’re small,” you continued and he raised an eyebrow at you. “You drunk more than me so you should technically be passed out by now.”

“It’s called not being a lightweight. And trust me jagi,” he leaned over towards your ear so that only you could hear him.

“You know as well as I do that I’m not small where it counts. Am I?” He whispered in a low voice in your ear, causing you to choke on your water. “Thought so.”

Kim Taehyung

Paris

“God Tae, can you let me breathe for twenty minutes?” You giggled as Tae left open mouthed kisses on your neck.

“Tapping out already hm?” He teased as he left kisses all over your face. The morning after your wedding, you and Tae immediately flew off to Paris. Despite the 10 hour flight, as soon as you had gotten in your hotel room, Tae couldn't keep his hands off you. Therefore, you had been in bed with him for the past 12 hours, taking little naps whenever he could control himself, which wasn’t long.

“If that’s what you want to call exhaustion, then sure,” you sighed as you felt his teeth sink into your neck slightly. Tae paused and pulled away from your neck to look at you.

“Are you really exhausted?” He asked, and you could tell he was really concerned. You reached up and caressed his cheek with your palm.

“A little. I mean, we’ve been at this for hours baby. You gotta give me a little time to regroup,” you giggle.

“I’m sorry jagi. It’s just something about knowing you’re my wife,...” he trails off as he leans down. He takes his tongue and traces the shape of your lips, something that he knows turns you on to no end. “I fucking love it,” he finishes his thought.

Smiling widely, you thread your fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck and pull him down to you. Kissing him feverishly, you wrap your legs tight around his waist.

“I’m guessing that means forget the break?” He mumbles, smirking against your lips.

Jeon Jungkook

Bora Bora

“So, what are we about to do jagi?” Jungkook asks as he looks down into the viewfinder of his camera. You adjust your hat, or really Jungkook’s hat, on your head as you two walk out of the terminal.

“We are about to take a helicopter ride around Bora Bora and the surrounding islands,” you answer.

“You nervous?” He asks and you look over at him, rolling your eyes.

“You know I am,” you reply. “Unlike Kookie, I’ve never been on a helicopter,” you say to the camera, knowing that he was probably going to post this and you wanted to explain why you were so worried.

“It’s ok jagi. I’ll hold your hand,” Jungkook smiles. The two of you climb into the copter and buckle yourselves in. After a few last minute checks, the pilot starts the engine and gently lifts the helicopter into the air. Squeaking at the realization that you’re no longer on the ground, you lean over and hide your face into Jungkook’s shoulder. Smiling, Jungkook turns the camera around to catch both of you in the shot as he leaves a kiss on the top of your head and holds your hand.

“Ah, look Y/N-ah,” Jungkook whispers into your ear, making you look up cautiously. He points out of the window and you look, seeing the most crystal clear ocean you’ve ever seen in your life.

“Oh my gosh, this is beautiful,” you shriek, making Jungkook chuckle at how quickly you forgot about being scared. He records you as you continue to gush about the view, whispering things that only the camera can pick up about how you’re even more beautiful than any view.

Tag list: @im5ftbutmythroat66

#bts imagines #bts scenarios #bts reactions #bts v #bts taehyung #bts jhope #bts hoseok #bts rm #bts namjoon #bts rap monster #bts suga #bts yoongi #bts jin #bts jimin #bts x reader #bts x you #bpbtsqualitypost

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imakemyownworld · 6 years ago

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When The Party’s Over pt.2

Part One

This is longish.

It is only a second part and Im setting some foundations for the fic therefore there’s not much of Ethan here but more of my (Bellas) struggles and relationship with Lucas. Somewhere in the middle of this I realised it was half biographical. I always had the strong urge to write about my own life and experiences as I never talk about them (as Bella) irl. I promise the next part will be all about E. :)

Also, if you do read this, please give me some critiques. I know it’s not nearly perfect and I would love to get some feedback. I just recently made this tumblr after being a fan of Gray and E for a good while now and I’m so happy I did. All the people I see here seem so genuinely interesting, funny, creative and nice. Thank you ! xx

Exactly one week has passed since I last saw Ethan. He sent me some messages but I didn't reply, I knew he was busy making a video and that he is going home tomorrow to visit his family for Thanksgiving. My family group chat was going crazy though. My sister who is living in Europe couldn’t book a flight and I wasn't replying to any messages. I just couldn't find the strength to do so, so I figured I'll just show up tomorrow morning, get through the weekend and come back.

I spent the rest of the day studying and scrolling through every possible social network then went to sleep ignoring every text I got.

I'm there in an hour. Xx I texted the group chat as I sat down in my car and turned the engine on. I skimmed through other messages. Ethan was complaining about something Grayson did and Ivy had boy issues. Did I want to see a text from Lucas? Sure, but I never expected one. It's Thanksgiving and everyone is with their families.

I met Lucas two years ago at a film festival in Los Angeles. I was there because I love cinema and Ethan managed to get me some tickets and Lucas was studying film at university near by. At that time I was probably at worst with my depression and anxiety as I just started taking classes at my university. He asked Ivy and me if we wanted to go to the after party and we didn't think twice about it. I never thought I would be someone who does drugs, I was always strongly against it. But he made it seem so normal. He was handsome, to me. He was skinny and every shirt was too big for him. Later I realised those shirts were fine before, but he lost weight. Still, there was something about him. He was mysterious, he loved photography and he talked about movies non stop. He acted cool but I could tell how passionate he is about things he loves. Both of us had something dark in us but neither one of us wanted to talk about it and we understood that about each other. From the moment we met and our friends started hanging out each other everybody already thought we were together. We would tease each other all the time while dancing and hanging around but since we were both kind of distant when sober we were scared to do anything about it. All until one night he kissed me. He kissed me like it was something we do all the time, but it wasn't. He didn't acknowledge it the next day and I remember freaking out about it with Ivy. Next time I saw him it took me every singe atom of bravery in my body to ask him about it. I remember it like it was yesterday. I called him and we separated from our friend group, we walked along the beach in Venice on a chilly summer night.

“Do you remember that we kissed?” I asked him in the middle of his sentence. He froze for a bit and then he made the grimace I couldn't decipher.

“No” he said quietly “When?” he was looking at me and I could tell that he felt horrible. I tried to look as if I don't care and I was ready to brush it off.

“At the club, last weekend. It’s fine, I just wanted to clear that up. I wasn’t sure if you didn't want to acknowledge it or just don’t remember” I turned around to get back to where our friends were.

“Stop” he took my hand and I felt relief “Im really sorry. You know how I am, I go overboard sometimes and I do things...” he stopped talking. Do things he usually wouldn't? If so, I didnt want to hear about it. I pulled my hand from him.

“...do things I would usually be scared of doing” he said almost painfully. Knowing him today, I know how hard that must have been for him. After that things started heating up between us two. We were never together, we knew that would never work out as we couldn’t communicate normally when sober. But we silently cared about each other, even though we never said it out loud.

At that festival after party we were dancing when he handed me half of the pill and kissed my cheek. I looked at it for a while then looked at him. He was dancing and smiling, seemed so carefree. If someone told me a month ago I would be holding that in my hand I wouldn’t believe them. Even then it looked so wrong in my hand. And then I took it and it was the best night of my life.

We kept on partying like that every other weekend. We didn’t know much about each other but we also knew everything. We would take something then hook up and sleep for what seemed like hours, or minutes. Sometimes I was so out of it I didnt know if I was dreaming or not. We shared those times together, he was the only one I wasn’t ashamed to be around like this. He understood.

My dad opened the door for me and we hugged.

“Hello beautiful”

“Hi dad” he smelled like mom's cooking. I did miss them. “Smells nice in here”

“I feel like there's enough for the whole neighborhood”

I got in and the table was already set up. My mom hugged me and instantly started talking about my sister. How sad she is that she isn't here. I said something back quickly and sat down.

My parents were an unusual kind. They always had my back and supported me through everything as far as school and university go. But I was always the one who had to be home by midnight or not go out at all. I had to lie that I was having a sleepover so that I could go out and have fun with my friends. My mom still believes I never tried alcohol in my whole life and Im twenty. We were also never the kind of family that talked a lot about feelings and things going on outside of school. I could never talk about boyfriends with my mom or fights I had with my friends. This caused bottling a lot of emotions through my whole life. Ethan had to beg me to talk with him to find out why I was miserable at times. He was the one person I would actually tell what was going on. I never got along with my sister either, we were just two very different people and I always thought: If I met her randomly I would never want to be her friend. Seems harsh, but she was selfish and stubborn, always only looking out for herself and not giving a fuck if she was hurting someone else in the process.

Lunch was actually amazing, my mom made my favorite meals. They crashed on the sofa soon after and started watching some terrible movie and I went to check in my old room.

I must have fallen asleep while watching youtube because it was dark when I opened my eyes. I came down to the living room and heard mom and dad talking in the backyard. I took my moms phone to check the time.

I miss you. It said. William.

My head felt blank for a second. I quickly turned the phone back off.

William was my moms ex boss. I sat down and my head started spinning around. I combined the pluses and minuses, filled in the blanks. Things started making sense. My mom became very sensitive to anyone touching her phone a while back. Before, she never cared about it. I gathered strength and opened the message. It was the only one in the conversation, everything else was wiped clean. I quickly marked it as unread and put the phone back. Fuck.Is my mom cheating on my dad? My head started spinning even more. Poor dad. Should I tell anyone? I can’t tell anyone we can’t even say I miss you to each other let alone Are you having an affair? My poor dad loves mom with all his heart, he does everything for her and she was never truly in love with him. My sister and I realised since we were teenagers that mom acts cold with dad. She doesn’t like it when dad shows her any kind of affection.

“There you are!” mom barged in and I almost jumped in my seat. “You okay? Mike and I were just talking about going for a walk, you’re coming too”

“Ugh, I just woke up” I wasn’t sure I’m mentally ready for that walk.

“Exactly, you need to stretch”

The whole walk I was thinking about my mom. The time when I thought my mom was always in the right was long gone, but this was on a whole new level. How can I take her seriously ever again? She lost all the credibility. How can she pretend to be happy with my dad? If I told him about this it would ruin him. If I told her...Nothing seems like the right option. I don’t want my family to fall apart. We are a bit dysfunctional, but this seems like a scene from a movie and I cant take it. I had to get out of there.

When we got home mom brought us pie and turned on the TV.

“Guys, I’m sorry but I need to get back today. I have a seminar to write” I was nitpicking the pie on my plate.

“Write it here?” dad proposed and it seemd like a reasonable idea “You can take my laptop”

“Yeah but I don’t have my books. Sorry. I might come by next weekend if Emma books that ticket” I smiled at them. It was so natural for me to act like this around them. I was hiding things from them my whole life.

My mom argued with me for a while but she soon realised my mind was set. When the movie finished I took some clothes from my old closet and said goodbye to them. I felt so sorry for my dad, I hugged him tightly and he even said I love you to my ear. I haven’t heard that sentence in months.

I dialed Lucas’s number while driving down the highway.

“Hey danger” he answered almost immediately.

“Hey. Happy Thanksgiving. What are you up to?” I tried to seem chill but my voice was almost cracking.

“Uh, not much. Classic Thanksgiving laying around”

“You up for a sesh?” I was always afraid of him declining me which is why I was rarely the the one to ask him stuff like this.

“What, now? What’s wrong?” he asked that in the most monotone voice but I knew it meant a lot coming from him.

“Lucas.” I sighed and my voice broke down at the end of his name. He was silent for a moment.

“Pick me up. Im sending you the location”

I felt relieved. We haven’t hung out alone in a while and I missed it. I needed an hour to get to him, he was at his parents place. The house was actually very pretty. I know his parents are divorced and his mom remarried, he doesn’t talk about them much but I get the feeling she is worried about him and he doesn’t like that. And now I’m dragging him out on a Thanksgiving weekend. Suddenly I felt even more terrible.

Lucas sat in the car and I was just looking through the windshield.

“Bro, what happened?” he took the aux cord and connected his phone.

“I just realised I dragged you out and you were with your family and it’s Thanksgiving.”

“Yes. Because I love spending quality time with my perfect family. Come on, there’s not a lot of dealers working on Thanksgiving you know that?” Soundtrack 2 my life started playing through the speakers. He loved that song and it made me depressed. After that, he never once asked what had happened, he knew better and I appreciated it.

“Dealers? I have everything in my flat”

“Not this” he smiled devilishly to me and typed in the address in his phone.

“So in one hour you managed to find the guy? Seems to me like you were just waiting for my call. What are we taking?” I was driving down his neighborhood. We were the only people on the street.

“Been waiting on this for a while. You’ll see”

The address wasn’t that far away. I parked and he left, came back two minutes later.

“Church?”

Church was the most trashy techno club in the area, it was a dump but it was always open and the atmosphere was always great.

We parked near the club and started drinking rum that he brought from his place. I was doing my makeup with the help from his flashlight and my front camera. I took the cropped top from the back of the car and put it on. I felt wrong to be happy at this moment but I was. I was with him and I knew we were going to have fun.

“You gonna tell me what it is now? You know I’m not doing heroin or anything like that”

“Jesus. Of course not” he pulled the baggy out of his pocket. “Ketamine”

I had zero clue what that is. Everything I knew about drugs came from Lucas.

“You’ll see later.” he says and I can’t believe I have so much trust in him to just get on with it but at this moment I don’t care. He takes out a pill from his pocket and breaks it in half.

“You have a whole pharmacy out there” I say and swallow the pill.

“Shut up” he laughs. We are both pretty tipsy by now as we start walking to the club. I pay for the entrance and we’re finally there. This is where I felt at home. How weird is that? The lasers, lights, annoyingly loud house music. The music I could never listen to sober, it drives me insane.

I opened my eyes to see Lucas sleeping next to me, sun was shining through closed curtains. I fell asleep again and I dreamt about last night. Dancing, kissing Lucas and him kissing me. I dreamt that I woke up and walked around the apartment. I showered. Was that a dream? I was asleep again. It was nighttime. Lucas and I were rolling around the bed desperate for each other, desperate to feel something, anything.

It was night when I finally definitely woke up. I checked the time on my bedside table. It was 3am on Sunday. Lucas was sitting on the window next to the bed smoking.

“Hi” I wanted to say but all I said was a weak I

“Morning” he turned his head to face me “Magnesium next to your bed. Drink it”

I took the glass from the bed table and wasted a good three minutes to take two sips. Lucas was looking at me the whole time with a massive grin on his face.

“I need to shower”

“You showered three hours ago” he said and I looked at him confused.

“So I wasn’t dreaming?”

He shook his head.

“Did we have sex? Like, in those three hours?” I asked not looking at him.

“What? No. Did you dream about that?” He threw the cigarette in the ashtray and went under the covers. I just looked at him and he smiled again.

“When did we get home?”

“Around 7AM. We slept through the whole Saturday. As far as I remember” he removed all of my hair from my face and made a bun out of it.

“I don’t even want to know what I look like”

“Do you remember the night out?” he prompted himself on the elbow to face me.

“I don’t know. We were dancing?”

“You..” he stopped and lied back down “I didn’t want to give you any more, of anything, because you had too much” coming from Lucas this meant something because I’m usually the one to stop him from going too far “So you just disappeared and..”

“What?” I hated not remembering anything.

“I dont know. You took something and you came back after ten minutes totally out of it. We stayed for and hour after that because you didn’t want to leave. After that I got us in an uber and we came here.”

I didn’t say anything.

“Look, something obviously happened during the weekend, I won't ask but you should know better than take something from strangers. You scared me” he glanced at me. I remembered the moment. I was acting like a brat. It must’ve looked ridiculous. I left him and found some girls snorting something in the bathroom. We talked for a while, I think one of them was coming on to me. I said that I was here with a friend but he didn’t want to give me anything so they offered. I had no idea what it was. What was I thinking?

“Im stupid” I told him about what happened “Im sorry. I found out that my mom is having an affair. But, I also suspected that for a while now. My mind was spiraling and I guess I overdid it”

We were quiet for a few moments.

“I’m sorry” he turned to face me and we stared at each other for a while.

“Is it bad that I love the high so much that I’m not at all regretting any of this? It’s the only time I feel happy”

“I don’t know” he answered “If you think I’ll reason you, you asked the wrong guy. I’m in the same spot” we both smiled, but his eyes were filled with sadness. I wonder if mine were too? We would only talk like this high. Our sober conversations didn’t exist, they were empty and meaningless. We hid behind walls that would come down every once in a while, and I cherished those moments. I kissed him softly and fell asleep in his arms soon after

I woke up at noon, Lucas was still sleeping and Im pretty sure he was missing a class, as I was. I wondered if he stayed because he wanted to or because he was taking care of me. I rarely got to see the sensitive side of him that I longed for. I would try and push his buttons sometimes asking him ridiculously touchy-feely questions and he would just laugh it off and tell me to shut up. But I saw in his eyes that he wanted to tell me things but didnt know how to. I knew for a fact that he didn’t have the best relationship with his parents ether, they didn’t speak about things and even if they wanted to I can’t imagine Lucas opening up to anyone, especially his parents.

I remembered almost all of last night. Lucas wasn’t having fun, he was mostly looking after me. I was usually the one giving him water, asking him if he was fine because he would look like a zombie. Sometimes I would only go out because I was scared that no one would be taking care of him. When we started hanging out we were both fairly knew to all of this but I could see how fascinated he was with all of it. I was too. My world went from black and white to technicolor. My, usually, messed up head that was overthinking everything and anything felt blank. It was just living in the moment, swaying on the dancefloor with the people you love.

But seeing him at his worst was painful to watch. It wasn't fun anymore, it made me see the dark side of things. When the high wears off you feel ten times more depressed and ten times more eager to go to the next party, and then the next one. Until your life just becomes waiting. Waiting to get high and drunk and feel things.

Realizing that made me never want to do drugs again, but that would last a couple of days. What scared me was that I knew that even after last night, when Lucas saw me at my probably lowest, he would never think about leaving it. It was captivating, appealing to him. It didn't scare him at all.

I was taking a shower when he knocked at my door.

"Bell, you have a visitor. I’m going out okay?" I soon heard a door swing shut. A visitor? I had come up with at least ten people who would come here after me not looking at my phone for three days straight and I was scared to see every single one of them. God, I hope it wasn’t Ethan meeting Lucas.

I dressed and got out of the bathroom to see Emily standing behind my kitchen counter. She wouldn't even be on the list of fifty people to come here. What was Ethans girlfriend doing in my apartment? And why didnt I clean up a bit?

#fanfic #fanfiction #dolan twins #ethan #grayson #ethan dolan #grayson dolan #iwritethings

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lifeinthegladhouse · 3 years ago

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I've been thinking about the have's and the have not's. I've been thinking about the reality of a life of being worn down. Every day I am confronted with the extreme poverty, middle class ignorance, and occasional hidden opulence of southern california. They warned me. But Seattle was not that much different. This is just, denser. Denser with more fake tans and beach bodies. More working class, more destitute. More palm trees, healthy, and dying. Dusty. it's dirty. you pay for a lot of dirt and 'opportunity'. you pay to be near people who are like you, throw the dice, and hope you roll a good chance to be alone, because this is your last stop for now. it's the stop you dreamed of for a decade. and a decade passed and killed a lot of things. you're waiting for the growth to begin, weeds pushing through concrete cracks. the sun helps. but even the california winter, mild and not so bad, it's still winter. there are reminders everywhere.

the transition has been difficult. lost all of my friends practically the minute we moved here due to a misunderstanding and then a loss of interest. who could be interested in two transplants who arent willing to party every night through covid? two people who live in a beach town instead of bustling dirty hollywood? landlord selling the building. paying over 2k in rent now (split). a good gay work place. still alone. isolated. no time to explore el-lay or the beaches. just sitting inside, scheming how to survive. losing my sense of glamor. covid has been chipping away at my mind and body for years now. it has become all i know. after mom and g*ne, i have a permanent black sick paint permeating over my psychic vision and poisoning everything i touch or think about. death has a way of changing you forever. i live in a permanent state of grief, for old friends, failed friends, dead relatives, dead dreams, a dead childhood i never had, the old days of being a musician on stage, relating to people. with each passing month i feel further estranged. i frequently navigate suicidal ideation, which ive lived through for the past 14 years solid (since I was 13, at least), and look for the little things. the nice coffee i made myself at work, alone, watching the catty old gay men banter at the bar and roll their eyes at me because i look like a silly little woman to them. even in the gay world, i am disregarded. you're either not cis enough, not man enough, not vagina enough, or you aren't trendy enough and young enough for the polyam trans cult. rocker, but not punk enough to brave covid. being vaccinated 'is uncool', and so is 'staying home' and 'working'. so is 'staying sober'. outside of punk, outside of queerness, outside of california.

x is my favorite band, one of my favorites, of all time. i think of their song hungry wolf. 'she loves her mate, and he loves her, and they live together for life' and the jaws of death and all that bukowski (i hate him) shit over the venice beach meets ramones guitar. hungry wolf. the have nots. x wasnt wrong about la county living. they got me through texas and the north but this is different. it hurts in a different way. in la you are nothing in a different way. in seattle, i was nothing too, but i had time to cope. in texas, i was born nothing, survived as nothing, and escaped for something else.

it's no surprise that i think often of the hanged god. the traveler, and shapeshifter and cult revered war deity, but also, someone of liminal spaces, magick, the outcast, the outlaw, the brave, the ones who were born doomed and on the "FTW" path, from biker to hippie to prison nazi to homeless to sweet suburban teenager, to film maker, to dead souls, someone revered from the edges of everything. is there anything more punk than that? i think about this while i clean dishes in hot water and listen to the old gay german guy and his ugly friends by the open bay windows in the sunlight. they talk about inaccurate history and condescend women. i listen to the students talk about home loans, space-x, their new tesla, their student debt. i think about how inherited cp from my dead brother and that is another tax for surviving a premature birth, but at least im surviving. if i were fully disabled id likely be dead from poverty. people forget that. i spent money to make my hair nice. but they dont see my body changing. they dont see and hear the parallels im making every second. the fall of america, of civilization, all the people crying over slow amazon deliveries and oh no target is out of fake meat again. it's hard to get up from the willful ignorance. the immediate pain. i think of all the people who were too smart for their own good and killed themselves because they saw life's hard edges in modern society a little too clearly. i think of all the edgelords who idealize these people and make narcissistic selfish choices to sustain their grifting behavior. i think of all the people who delusionally go along with the plot of mommy and daddy state will take care of you. if you prove your worth. if you pay enough $. they breadcrumb us. like a master sociopath, the state breadcrumbs us. it rewards sociopathic behavior. it rewards the suicidal modern cutting edge chrome and glass while emaciated families starving by the thousands and millions from embargos get bombed to death.

it's hard to get up.

#personalposting

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rp-lizbernation · 4 years ago

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gabe + kugo = gugo

@asapbur

He was in deep shit. He was always in deep shit. If someone ever wrote a book about him, the title would be “In Deep Shit.” Hell, his mom would probably put it on his gravestone. Gabe knew he didn’t make the best choices or say the best things or do his best work, especially not in the context of school. What could he say? Drugs really do a number on a guy. Missing nearly three months of his senior year to go to rehab didn’t help either. All it did was put him way behind, and if he’s being honest, he was way behind anyways. No matter how much tutoring Lulu or Fawn gave him, no matter how many assignments he turned in – it never felt like enough. One essay was completed, and before he could even stop to breathe a sigh of relief, another essay would need to get done. No wonder he had done so many drugs. The rest of his crew had nothing to worry about. Lulu’s father was the damn principal, so it was basically impossible for her to not graduate. Kugo had rich parents, so even if he wasn’t smart as hell he could probably buy his way out of high school. Fawn always seemed to be off in fairy forest, and yet she was being accepted into Ivy League schools along with Lulu after they drunkenly applied to them for a bit of fun. He wished he could get drunk and get accepted into Yale, but when Gabe got drunk, the most he’d ever achieved was disappointing everyone around him. Oh, and that one time he had managed to get the basketball in the hoop backwards from half-court. Despite the deadline that determined whether or not he would graduate was tomorrow morning, the guy was tired of hunching over his desk to do make-up assignments, and he swore his right wrist had carpel tunnel from holding a pencil so much. Thank god it was Tuesday. He would never admit, but Taco Tuesdays were his favourite day of the week. He hadn’t had a drink in almost two months, and he didn’t even have it in him to smoke weed again, but at least he could live through Kugo. Although after the first week of watching the little boy get sloshed, Gabe started to feel bad. A little. Not really. But kind of. As they strolled down the boardwalk of Venice Beach, both his and Kugo’s skateboard stuck out of the pack hanging low on his back. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Kugo sway towards an art table littered with paintings of what looked like alien elves. “Ah-ah,” he clicked, grabbing the blonde boy’s skinny arm to keep him on course. “Sorry, bud, but after you spent two hundred dollars on a sketch of Sandra Bullock as a warthog you’re not allowed near those tables.” It had been an afternoon of tequila shots and scarfing down tacos from Julio’s Taco House. Well, the tequila part was on Kugo’s end. And he knows the rules. For every shot he orders for himself, he takes another for Gabe. One would think Gabe would tire of watching his most annoying friend get wasted and then have to play baby-sitter, but honestly, he enjoyed it. He secretly liked being able to take care of others now that he wasn’t the one in need of care. It had taken the boys an hour to get to the beach, and on the Uber there, Gabe had sobered Kugo up enough to function semi-normally since they eventually needed to meet up with the girls. “I still don’t know why your dad decided to hang that picture up in the entryway,” he thought aloud.

#lizber nation rp

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didiletyouknooow · 7 years ago

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56. Why Don’t You Love Me

Hey,

Sorry to let you wait so long for the next chapter but right now I’m on vacation and I didn’t have time (and wifi) to post something. But now that I have both I thought I will post this chapter.

As you might have noticed I wrote about Eileen’s relationship in the last chapter and now....well you might guess whose turn it is now!

I hope you like this one because I like it and it was fun writing it!

_______

August

„Thank you fort his beautiful evening“ Helen said when we were arriving at her car after a walk in Venice. “It was really nice” she smiled and looked into my eyes. I really liked her blue eyes. They looked like the ocean. “Yeah sure, it was fun” I agreed smiling. It was our second date after I gave her my phone number in this bookstore. I still couldn’t believe she really did answer. I mean, women don’t usually do this, right? But after she texted me I responded and we stayed in touch ever since. Our first date happened really quickly because she had to leave LA two days later. Helen wasn’t living here in LA. She was from Chino. Honestly, I was surprised when she told me that she’s living in Chino because I didn’t think she would live there. Chino wasn’t the best place to live – at least I was thinking so. Maybe I was wrong but I didn’t hear anything positive about this city.

But I didn’t care. I was happy to see her again at that day and I even was a little bit nervous because I never dated a woman to whom I didn’t really speak before. Mostly I got to know these women a little bit more before I ask them for a date. But this time it was different.

Our first date started a little bit awkward because I didn’t quite know what to talk about but turned out that Helen was a good talker. She asked me several questions and told me about her life. She studied in San Francisco but she was born in Idaho. She moved to California when she was twelve because her parents got divorced and her mom decided to go to California to start all over again. First they lived in Downtown LA but soon moved to West Covina and later to Chino because her mother found a new boyfriend.

After talking to her three hours I started liking her much more. Helen was so open and funny and such a smart girl. I was still wondering why someone like her was living in Chino. There must’ve been a reason.

Because I was busy with some music projects and she had to go back to Chino for work we couldn’t see each other for two weeks but we definitely wanted to see each other again. So I asked her if she want to come over to LA again and she did it. She was sleeping at a friend’s place. So we went out to our second date. First we went hiking the Mulholland Drive and I took a picture of her at the Hollywood Sign. I think every woman wants to be at this place. I wasn’t really impressed by it because to me it was totally normal living in the city of Hollywood. Later we drove to Venice and had dinner at a burger restaurant near the beach. Afterwards Helen suggested to take a walk at the beach and here we were. Back at her car where I didn’t know what to do.

“So….I guess this was it now” I said without knowing what to do next. I hated such situations. Most of the time I was kind of tipsy when I felt this way and then I knew what to do. But now I was totally sober because I had to drive. “So” Helen grinned. “Thanks Josh” she said and came closer. So close that suddenly our lips touched for a moment but not for that much longer. It was only a short kiss before she hugged me, smiled and got into her car.

We kept seeing each other in the following days because Helen decided to stay a little bit longer in LA than planned. On our fourth date we went to the Griffith Observatory. Not only to see the stars at the planetarium but also to see the stars at the sky when the sun was down. I loved this great view at the city. Helen was impressed and she didn’t really want to leave. Mostly because leaving would mean that the day was over and she had to go back to Chino tomorrow.

“So, what’s happening next?” she asked me. She often said the word “so”. “Um, I don’t know….we could go home, go to bed and just fall asleep” I said. “Or” Helen interrupted my boring plans. “We could just stay here, enjoy this wonderful view of LA and….” She said and suddenly got on my lap. She started kissing me widely and I didn’t expect her to do so. But I liked it and so we kept kissing and just making out in my car. I felt like being a teenager again. Suddenly someone was knocking at the window. We stopped kissing, looked at the old guy who was just shaking his head and then we started laughing immediately. “Maybe we should continue it at another place” Helen said joking. So I decided to drive home. I suggested to cook something because we were both very hungry. Although it was already midnight we started making pasta.

“Wow, you’re such a good cooker” Helen was surprised. “Well, but that’s all I can do” I joked. We made some pasta with spinach. “It’s so good!” she told me. “Honestly, I never met a man who could cook so well!” “Really?” “Yeah!” ”Who did you meet?” I asked jokingly but seemed like it wasn’t a real joke for her. Well, I decide not to ask further. We kept talking and chatting and also drank a bottle of red wine while doing it. When the bottle was empty we realized that she couldn’t drive back to her friends place because she drank too much. We totally forgot that she had to drive home or at least I had to drive her home. But since we both drank alcohol none of us was able to drive. Or maybe we didn’t really care about it? “Seems like I have to stay now” Helen said. “Yeah, I mean….sounds like a good idea” I agreed and laid my arm around her shoulder. We were already sitting on my couch in a more comfy position than in the kitchen. I tickled her head with my hand until Helen finally looked at me and started kissing my lips again. “Hey, what about continuing what we started in the car?” she asked and she looked so sexy while doing it.

Sleeping with her was different than with any other girl before. I mean, all the girls I hooked up with just wanted to have sex and so did I. But this time it was much more sensual, it was emotional and I felt a little bit of shyness but also passion between us. Helen was such a good kisser and I caught myself hoping she would never stop doing it. I liked her body and her whole appearance. I liked her brown long hair, her beautiful pale skin and her blue eyes that looked like the ocean. In a way she looked fragile but at the same time she was so strong. I think I really started liking her a lot.

I enjoyed every minute of our night and didn’t want to let her go afterwards. Not even to the bathroom. I never experienced this feeling before – at least not in the last two years while having fun with several girls. I just realized how stupid and boring it was to have sex with a stranger and how fulfilling and great it can be to spend the night with someone you truly care about. Although I still didn’t know much about Helen I liked spending time with her. She was so special because she seemed a bit unconventional and nonconformist. She was like a hippie to me.

I was covering her shoulder with my arm while her head was lying on my chest when she started talking. “It was a wonderful night” she said. “It was” I agreed smiling. “Honestly” she started saying and looked into my eyes. “I didn’t have sex in a very long time. So thank you Mister K” she laughed and she blushed a bit. “You’re lying” I laughed. “No…it’s the truth. It’s long ago” “How long?” “Hm….let me count” she said and started thinking. “Maybe three or four years?” “No!” I couldn’t believe her. “Yes!” “You’re a liar!” “I’m not….it’s the truth” she was still laughing but hide her face with her hands. “You’re such a beautiful woman….why don’t you…” I kept asking but she interrupted me. “Well, first of all: it’s not only about beauty. It’s also about personality and lifestyle and priorities in life” “Um okay…” I couldn’t imagine not having sex for such a long time. It’s not that I needed it all the time but sometimes after a few months I wanted to have it again. “You’re a man, you don’t understand” she said ironic. “Oh I do! It’s not that I have to have it all the time” “Really? How long were you abstinent?” She asked me. Well, that was a good question. I didn’t have to think about the last three years. After I broke up with Mia I had some encounters with girls but after a few months I decided not to do it anymore because it didn’t give me anything. So I didn’t meet girls until a few months before I met Eileen. So maybe…. “Um I guess….seven months?” “Seven months?” Helen laughed. “Well Mister, let’s talk again when you did it a few years” “Okay”

Now I felt bad. Maybe there were too many girls in the last year but….It was okay. Although I regretted some of them. But at that time I needed it. I needed some rebounds to forget Eileen. Maybe Eileen did the same, who knew. “You’re such a player!” Helen told me. I looked at her questioning and also a bit shocked. Did she really think that? “Josh” Helen suddenly said. “It was just a joke, okay? I don’t judge you because you have fun in life. It’s totally okay for me” “Hm….okay” I said.

We laid there for a few minutes totally in silence. I was playing with her hair and she was tickling my belly when she suddenly said something I never ever expected. “Josh?” “Mhm?” “I have to tell you something” Helen said and sat up to look me in the eyes.“Okay, what do you have to tell me?” I wondered. “There is something you don’t know about me” “Hm….sure. There are also many things you don’t know about me either!” I joked. “No….I mean….for real. There is one important thing that belongs to me that you don’t know about yet” Okay, now I was wondering what she meant. Was she ill? Maybe a chronic illness. Or was she married? I wouldn’t be surprised, such a beautiful woman like her…. “Okay, tell me” I let her know. Then she looked at me, bit her lips and suddenly said it. “I have a daughter” Wow. From all the things expected her to tell me she said something I wouldn’t even have guessed.

“Now you’re shocked….sorry” she reacted. “No…it’s just….yes I’m a bit in shock but” “It’s okay when you say you can’t handle this…..I mean, we’re only dating for a few weeks now but….I thought you should know” When she said these words I started liking her even more than before. Helen was so cute and so beautiful and mysterious at the same time. Just like an elf. “If you can’t handle it and we end this thing between us right here, right now, I can totally understand it. But….I just thought you should know since….we went further and….yeah. Since I’m not really someone who hooks up with every guy, I just thought I want to tell you this secret” “Why is it a secret?” I asked her. “Because when I start dating guys I don’t tell them about my daughter. Mostly we have a few dates and everything is fine because they think I’m just a normal single woman in her thirties but when I tell them about my daughter they run away” “No….who does this?” “I don’t know….guys. Men. Whoever. But I thought after this wonderful night and all these dates we spent together, I wanted you to know about my most important person in my life” “I really appreciate your openness” I said. “So….I just wanted to tell you….it’s totally okay if you want to leave now” “No” I responded. “Why should I leave you now? I want you to be by my side! I’m just appreciating your openness with me. I can’t understand why some men make a big deal about it. Having children is great….I suppose” I told her and pulled her closer. “Really? You’re the first guy with this opinion” Hm, maybe it had some reason why I thought this way but she didn’t know it. “I like kids” I let her know, a smile on my face. Now Helen was smiling too. It took her some time to finally relax again. “What’s your daughter’s name?” I wanted to know. “Emma” Helen told me with a smile on her face. “Such a lovely name” “It’s also a Scandinavian name. Just like my name” she told me.

Helen was half Swedish. Although she was born and raised here in the US her mother was from Sweden. But when her mother did a backpacker trip through Scandinavia she met Helen’s father who was also backpacking in Scandinavia at that time. He was a young politician from the US. They became friends and her father invited her mother to the US one year later. They backpacked again but this time through the US. It was the time when her mother not only fell in love with this man but also with the US. Her mother moved to Florida and later to Chicago with her then husband and finally they settled down in Idaho.

“I want to meet Emma” I suddenly said when we were just lying next to each other without saying anything. “Really?” Helen asked surprised. “Yes, I definitely want to.” “Wow, you’re the first guy who asks me to meet my daughter” Helen couldn’t believe it. “Are you really a human being?” she asked laughing but I could also see a few tears in her eyes. I wiped them away and gave her a kiss. “I am and I definitely want to meet your daughter.” “Do you….do you want to visit me in Chino one day?” “I’d love to!” I said and kissed her again.

September

It was a Saturday afternoon when I was preparing the barbecue together with Helen. She planned a little party and some neighbours would come over. Her mother Agneta was also here and helped us with the barbecue. “You have to put some grill lighters in it” she informed us. “Yes mom, I know. We’re not silly, okay?” Helen responded. “I just wanted to help you because you’re not really into barbecue” “Oh but so are you? You’re from Sweden! They can’t do barbecue” she laughed. The two women started discussing whether or not to put a grill lighter in it. I was just watching them. They were full of temptation while discussing. Both of them. It was quite funny. “Josh, can you help me? I threw the ball on the garage” suddenly Emma asked me. I looked into her green eyes. Her red hair was covering her face a little bit. Just liked her mother’s hair did. “Um, sure I can” So I picked a ladder and looked for her ball. I found it really quickly and threw it back to her. She grinned and when I was back on the floor we started kicking the ball. I liked that Emma was playing soccer. She even liked Baseball and I promised her to take her to a Dodgers game some day when she would come to LA with her mother.

In the last weeks Helen only came to LA without her daughter because Emma had to go to school. She was nine years old. But I realized that this wasn’t the best initial situation for our relationship. I knew we were only dating for two months but it felt good to me. It felt like it could be something serious. I really liked Helen and I hoped she felt the same. I think I felt like in love again. It took me 3.5 years but now it happened. I felt butterflies everywhere and sometimes I even had goosebumps when Helen touched me.

There was something special about her but I couldn’t tell what it was. I already thought this about Eileen but this time it was different. Although Eileen and Helen shared so many interests they were totally different personalities.

The guests came over and Helen introduced me to everyone. I liked being called her “boyfriend”. I think I already felt the same although we never really talked about it. “So….do you like it in Chino?” she asked me. “At least a little bit?” Helen grinned. “Yes….it’s different from what I expected” “Yeah, I know. Everyone expects a ghetto with criminals but maybe these people watched too many episodes of “The O.C.”” Helen said sarcastic. “Actually it can be very cool here” She was right. The house where she and Emma were living was very small but also beautiful. It had a garden and a small veranda where everyone was sitting now. A few neighbors, Agneta, Helen, Emma, a friend of hers and me. For the first time in years I felt like I just met a new family.

Later that night we were lying in her bed talking. Honestly, her bed wasn’t very comfortable and it was much smaller than my bed. But although I preferred my bed in LA I didn’t want to be somewhere else. Because I was here with Helen and that was everything that counted right now. I really liked her company, her family, everything about her.

“I’m so happy you came today” she told me while covering my chest with her arm. “Sure I came! I promised it!” “Yes but….when I first met you I thought you wouldn’t come to Chino” “Why?” “Because you looked so typical like LA. Echo Park or so” “Well but I’m not a hipster” I laughed. “I know” she grinned. “But you’re an Angelino. That’s for sure” “Hm…maybe but I like exploring new places” “So….how’s Chino? As bad as you expected?” “No” I laughed. “It’s cool” “So you would visit me more often?” Helen asked me full in expectation. “Well…sure….why not?” “I don’t know. Because you have so much money and you could buy another house in Holly wood but now you met me from Chino….this is just very surreal for me, you know” “Oh well….please don’t think this way. I really like your home and your family. Your mom is so nice and funny and your daughter is just the loveliest. I think you wouldn’t be the same person if you wouldn’t have moved here. That’s your home, that’s what makes you who you are” “Yes but you’re from LA and you’re playing in one of the biggest bands in the world….it’s just a bit strange for me”

In fact Helen didn’t know the Chili Peppers before. When she asked me what I was doing for a living and I told her that I was a musician and she didn’t ask further questions. She just accepted it and never guessed that I was playing in such a big band. But on our second date I told her that I was doing this music video in Venice and this was the first time she wondered what I was really doing for a living. I couldn’t hide it so I told her about the band and my job. Surely she was impressed but that’s all. She wasn’t really into this music. She only listened to very rare and unknown indie bands. But she liked my music room and liked watching me jamming on my guitar.

“It doesn’t have to be strange” I told her. “Hm….” ”I don’t live this lifestyle” “I know but….we’re coming from two different lives….” “Maybe but….I like the simple lifestyle” I smiled. “I’m just wondering how we could figure it out….being together….with you living in LA and playing music and me living in Chino” “Well….we’ll find a way” I promised her. “You can come to LA every time you want and next time you have to bring Emma with you. She wants to visit the Hollywood Sign and the Walk of Fame and of course Disneyland” “Yeah….of course she wants” Helen laughed. “Did she already tell you about all of her plans?” “Yes….she did” “Oh well…seems like she does like you” Helen said with shining eyes. “Well…of course she likes me. I’m a good guy” I grinned. “Yes but….it’s not easy for her getting along with a strange guy. I mean, I used to date a few guys back then when she was younger but….she didn’t like any of them” “Hm….maybe these were the wrong guys” “Probably” Helen said. “Because I haven’t met you yet” We kissed and for the first time I felt totally okay again. No comparing Helen with Eileen. No thinking about Eileen. Not imagine her being Eileen. I think this was a good sign.

December

“I can’t believe we just moved here just to leave for New Years Eve” Helen said when she came downstairs, a suitcase in her hands. “It’s just for New Years Eve” I laughed. “I know but….it’s just strange. We only live here for two weeks and now we’re leaving again”

Helen and Emma moved in with me two weeks ago. We discussed it for weeks and thought about what would be the best time for Emma to move to LA. But since Emma was totally fine with it we decided that they would move in before Christmas. Emma would attend a new school after the holidays and so all of us had a few weeks off from work and school to get used to the new living situation. Even for me it was something special and exciting. I only lived with Eileen and Mia but this time my girlfriend even brought a daughter into my house.

So we spent our first Christmas together in our house. My parents and my sister and her family came over and we had the best Christmas in years. Maybe it was also the best Christmas in years because it was the first one since Eileen broke up with me that I wasn’t on my own. Now I had my own little family with me.

On a Lakers game a few days after Christmas Eric asked me if Helen, Emma and I wanted to go to New York for New Years Eve. Molly and him were flying over to the east coast to celebrate it there. We could all live in a big airbnb house. So I talked with Helen and Emma and they agreed. I still had to laugh when I thought about Emma’s big eyes when I told her about the journey to New York.

Helen and Emma were very excited because it was their first trip together to NYC. While Helen was there during her college time, Emma never visited this city before.

After arriving in NYC we started a typical sightseeing tour to see the most important places of the city. Afterwards I showed them my favourite places and we had dinner at my favourite burger restaurant. I liked showing them MY places of the city because it was totally different than all of the tourism places.

On New Years Eve morning we went shopping and to the grocery store because we planned to make dinner together with Eric and Molly. My friends really liked Helen and Emma. First I was a little bit afraid if they would like and welcome her. Especially because Molly was good friends with Eileen. But I saw it in their eyes. They really liked her and Molly and Helen even went to the kitchen together to prepare the dinner.

Afterwards Helen, Emma and I decided to go to the Brooklyn Bridge to wait until it’s midnight. Eric and Molly stayed at home because of the baby.

“Happy New Year my love, I’m so fucking happy to have you in my life!” Helen whispered in my ear before she kissed me. Welcome 2019, I hope you bring joy and fun and health!

The next day we all had brunch at a café in Manhattan. While the ladies and the kids went home afterwards, Eric and I walked to a guitar store.

“Wow, I never thought the two of us would spent New Years Eve together in New York with our families….I mean, how strange is that? A few years ago we were touring together, making music, just hanging and jamming in a smelly music room and now? Look at us. We both found our fortune!” Eric said. “Yeah, it’s strange how life can change so fast” I agreed. “I never thought that becoming a father would change my life so much and that it would make me so fucking happy. I can’t even find words for it!” he laughed. I nodded. It was very strange how even my life changed that much after meeting Helen. She definitely made me happy. “And dude, Helen is such a lovely woman! She’s pure nature and she makes you so happy. You look so great! I remember how fucked up you looked when you were messing around with all these girls….it wasn’t good for you. But now you finally found someone. Honestly, even I didn’t believe that it would happen to you again after this heartbreaking story with Eileen. We were really scared that you would never find a woman you could love again. But you did and she’s the best” “She is!” I smiled. “And Emma….oh my gosh, she is just a genius! She’s so smart and funny and so self-confident. And she’s only 9 years old!” “She is” “And you teach her how to play the drums, right?” “Yes, she asked me a few weeks ago and I started showing her some things” “Great….I bet she’ll be a great woman when she grew up. Maybe a great musician!” Eric laughed. “Maybe” “And what about you and Helen….do you want to have own children?” “Um” now Eric shocked me with this question. I never thought about it before. Surely, I liked Emma and I got along with her very well and I liked living with them but….I never thought or talked with Helen about having children. Maybe it was too soon. “Hm….I don’t know. I think we need some time” “Come on Josh, you turned 39 last year. It’s time. You are in your best years!” Eric tried to convince me. “I know but….I think I still need time. Helen and I are only dating for six months now. We should see how we can figure out our relationship. I mean, the Chilis would release a new record in summer and I’m going to tour for at least one year afterwards. That’s a long time. And I can’t imagine that Helen is pregnant when I’m on tour. I would go crazy because I couldn’t be there for her, you know” “I know….and I know that Eileen lost the baby when you were touring but….that’s life. You can’t plan when it will happen” “But I can’t control it when I take care” I let him know and we entered the guitar store.

February

I was sitting on the couch in my living room when Helen and Emma came back from a walk with my dog Bowie. I took Bowie home with me one day last year after visiting a dog pound in El Sereno. He looked so cute and sad. He wanted to be taken out of this cage. So I decided to take him home with me. When I wasn’t at home my sister or some friends took care of him and now that Helen and Emma were living here as well they sometimes did a walk with him. “Hey my boy, where did you go today, hm?” I asked him as I tickled his head. “Oh he almost ran away!” Helen told me upset. “He ran to a woman on the Mulholland Drive. She was enjoying the view and suddenly Bowie ran to her and jumped at her and even licked her fingers!” “Oh really?” I asked surprised. “Mister, what did you do?” I looked at my dog. “I don’t know what came into him but….he was going crazy. Emma and I started running to catch him but suddenly he sat next to the woman and smiled at us. He was so cheeky!” “Well, maybe he knew this woman” “I don’t think so. She didn’t know him” “But maybe he met her in his prior life. You’ll never know” I said while Bowie was sitting next to me smiling. Yes, dogs can smile and this boy looked very happy today. “I don’t know….it was such a strange situation and I was afraid he could hurt her or so” “No, he wouldn’t do this” I said. “He’s a gentleman” “Yeah, sometimes. Not when he meets the neighbour’s cat” Helen rolled her eyes. “Don’t listen to her” I grinned at Bowie. “Well, whatever….the woman was very nice and she told us that she has a dog herself but he’s home. So she was very understanding” “That’s good. At least no one who was afraid of dogs!” I said. “She definitely wasn’t” Helen told me.

I was looking at Bowie. “Hey my boy, what did you do today, hm? Running to strangers?” I asked him. He was only begging for food. “Maybe he really knew the woman” “I don’t think so. When we arrived at our car we saw her again and she was talking in German on the phone” “In German?” “Yes” “Okay…hm” “So maybe just a tourist” “Maybe”

Later that night Bowie woke me up because he wanted to go outside. While we were walking to the small park near my house where Bowie did his business I was scrolling through my Instagram feed. Suddenly I thought about what Helen told me today. The woman they met was talking in German on the phone. Maybe it could be but….no it couldn’t. But for the first time in months I checked Eileen’s Instagram feed just to see if…. Okay. She was there. She posted a picture from the Mulholland Drive. Today. She was here. She was here in LA.

I was shocked. It was the first time in months that I was thinking of her again. “Hey Bowie….” I said while kneeling down at him. “Did you see this woman?” I asked and showed him a picture of Eileen on my phone. I knew that it was stupid to show my dog this picture because he wouldn’t even look at it and he couldn’t answer me. But I had the feeling that I had to do it. “Did you see her?” I kept asking. Now I was more asking myself than my dog. “Did you see Eileen today?”

August

“Josh maaaan” Flea welcomed me when I entered the plane. We were on our way to Europe to promote our new record “Mulholland Drive”. Again it was my idea to name this record like this because I loved this place. The others like the idea as well because it belonged to LA like the smog. “How’s it going? How did you spent the last three weeks?” He asked me. Before flying over to Europe to promote our new record we decided to have three weeks off for vacation until we would start the first leg of our tour. This time we did it differently. After already promoting the record in the US and playing a few special shows in LA and a few festival shows, we would tour Europe for five weeks in a row, would then turn back to LA for three week just to start touring North America in November. It was my idea to shorten the tour but to lengthen the tour legs. I was sick of flying back and forth to Europe. I told the others about it and also told them about my idea of a new touring schedule. I knew they were doing these two weeks on, two weeks off thing for such a long time now but after discussing it for a few days we finally decided to try it. So we would tour Europe, US and then South America until May next year, a few more festival shows in Europe next summer and finally Australia in December 2021.

“I’m great thanks. What about you?” I told Flea. “Great man. Just as always” he grinned. “So you were on vacation with your new lady, right? How was it?” “It was great. We did a short roadtrip through Idaho, visited Helen’s family and then we flew to New York to see a few Yankee’s games” “Oh maan, that’s great news!” Flea smiled. “So you seems like this young lady does make you happy again, right?” “She does….I mean, I already told you when we were doing our record in January but….yeah, she’s great” I smiled. “Wow, see” he started talking. “You are happy again. I was right when I told you about it, wasn’t I? I mean, I really liked Eileen, she’s a beautiful woman, but….she left you. Things didn’t work out. But now you met this lady….Helen?” “Yes her name is Helen” “Helen….and her daughter….wow, now it’s getting serious” Flea laughed. “We’ll see” I answered a bit shy.

After flying to Europe we did a couple of interviews for our new record. First we stopped in London, later we flew over to Berlin and Rome. Right afterwards we started our Europe tour leg in Helsinki.

September

After two weeks of touring, Helen joined me. She could have some weeks off from work and so she took a flight to Europe. It was my idea that she should join me – only if she could have weeks off from work. I liked the idea of having her around me. I thought that with her by my side I wouldn’t get lost and out of control while touring. And I was right.

Our last country we played before heading back to LA was Germany. We had one day off in Berlin until we would hit the stage again in Germany tomorrow.

Helen and I decided to do some sightseeing. Since she was never here before I showed her some of my favourite places in the city. I even told her that I lived here for a few months during a Chilis break. She was surprised but didn’t ask further questions.

So after taking some selfies at the Brandenburg Gate we had dinner at one of the restaurants I could remember from my time here in Berlin. Helen liked it. But I was a bit lost in thoughts because today wasn’t only a day off. It was also a date I will always remember I guess. It was Eileen’s birthday and staying in the same city as her – I thought she was here she posted a picture from Berlin yesterday – made me confused.

“Hey my love, don’t you think we should get ooooon?” Helen whispered in my ear when we were laying on the hotel bed. “Hm….” I didn’t know what to say because I was still questioning myself if maybe I should text Eileen. It was her birthday and I wanted to show her that I thought about her – as a friend. I knew we didn’t congratulate each other the last years but….I wanted to. “Come one Josh” Helen said and now she was sitting on my lap and kissed me. “We’re alone….we will only be alone during the next week so….let’s have some fun” she grinned and went on. I let her do it but I didn’t feel like doing it. “What’s wrong with you?” “Nothing….I’m just tired” “Oh come on honey, just a short quickie” “I don’t know” I said and got off the bed. She rolled her eyes and looked at me while I was walking into the bathroom. “Can’t we just have sex like a normal couple?” she asked me but I closed the door.

In the end I didn’t text Eileen to greet her on her birthday. It felt too weird. But when I was walking through Berlin today I hoped to run into her. I knew it would be weird if she would see me together with Helen but I just hoped it would happen.

But it didn’t happen. Instead I was sitting in the bathroom hoping to get away from here. I don’t know what happened to me today but suddenly I felt so sad and confused. I knew that Eileen was here in Berlin. We were in the same city but we didn’t spend time together. Suddenly I felt like being taking back to the time we were both living here in Berlin. It was a great time. I would have never ever guessed that I would meet one of my biggest loves of my life when I decided to live in Berlin for a few months.

Now I came back to this city where I met her. But I wasn’t with her anymore. Instead I was here with another woman that I truly loved. Helen was great but right now I felt a bit melancholy because of all the places that reminded me of Eileen and me.

I couldn’t sleep at night. Helen didn’t talk to me after I left the bathroom. I stayed awake. Suddenly I had this song idea, so I picked a piece of paper, a pencil and went to the balcony where I sat down, watched the lights of Berlin at night and started writing this song that was on my mind for hours now.

I wrote some lines for a song I still haven’t figured out. There was melody in my mind but that’s it. I knew what the song was about. It was about Eileen.

I thought about writing a song about my ex while being in a hotel room with my current girlfriend.

I love Helen, I love Emma, I love our life together. I just love how it all turned out. But sometimes there are days when I think back of the time I shared with Eileen and wonder if I will ever see her again.

October

“Now you can open your eyes” Helen told me. When I looked into our living room I saw all my friends waiting for me. Everyone came to celebrate together with me. I didn’t know anything about this party. Helen must have organized it secretly by herself. “And I thought we would have dinner” I grinned when I kissed her to thank her for this special surprise. “Well, you only turn 40 once” she laughed. “So I thought you want to spend this special day with all of your friends”

In a way she was right. I even thought about throwing a party but since my birthday was at the beginning of our tour break it would have been stressful to organize it. I was still a bit jetlagged. So I thought that having dinner together with Helen on my birthday would be the best alternative. But seems as if she thought that I should celebrate this big “number”. Everyone came. My parents, my sister with her family, my best friends, musician friends, every one.

Helen ordered some food and drinks and even a DJ who was playing music this night. It was a wonderful party and when I laid in bed later that night I was so thankful to have her. I knew that I was skeptical about it a few weeks ago when we were in Berlin. I caught myself thinking about Eileen. But now I was just very happy and glad that I had Helen by my side. She was the one who understood me, she knew me, she was always there for me and living with her and her daughter was just wonderful. If someone would’ve told me three years ago that I would fall in love again some day and even becoming something like a step dad for a nine year old girl, I wouldn’t have believed it. But right now this was reality. I was living with a woman I loved, with her beautiful daughter in my house in El Sereno. I wasn’t even sick of touring around the world because Helen would join me sometimes. It felt great. Everything was perfect right now.

Maybe it was the right thing to ask her for a date at the book store last year.

December

“What a game!” Helen said when we were leaving the Staples Center. “I didn’t think that the Lakers would turn that match and finally win it!” She was so enthusiastic about sports. We were attending two games in a row. The Lakers lost the first one but today they won. We were both very happy. I think I never met a woman who was so in love with sports. Helen wasn’t only a Lakers fan, she also loved Baseball and was a huge Yankees fan. When we were visiting her family in Idaho in summer we decided to fly to New York to watch a Yankees game. After that game even Emma was in love with this sport.

After arriving at home Helen took a shower. Emma was at a friends place and I had to pick her up in an hour. We were both very happy that Emma found some friends so quickly. It wasn’t easy for her to leave all her friends behind in Chino but she was doing great in school. Surely she still saw her old friends in Chino when she was visiting her grandma but she couldn’t see them every day like she did in the past. But Emma was still in love with LA. Sometimes we both took a hike in the mountains or I showed her some special places far away from the typical touristic places. I even took her to a music store and we stayed there for hours.

When I was sitting in my car waiting for Emma I was checking out Instagram. Suddenly there was a picture that took my breathe away – again. I already knew the feeling because I felt it every time I saw a picture of Eileen and her boyfriend. But this time it looked so….intimately…so emotional….like a real love.

Her boyfriend – I already knew that his name was Sebastian and he was playing in the same newcomer band than Eileen’s friend Felix – was giving her a piggyback ride. She was hugging him from behind and both grinned into the camera. Although it wasn’t a typical couple selfie it looked a lot like love. It must’ve been taken after a concert of his band. Maybe it was the last one this year. I looked at this picture for minutes.

Eileen even wrote some words in the caption. She usually doesn’t do this but seems like this time she wanted to show her love and posted one of the rare couple photos of them.

“Today my love played his last concert for this year. It was such a special year. They even won their first music prize and got a gold record for their second album. Now they can spend all their money they gained into beer….haha. Whatever, I’m SO proud of you <3”

To me it looked like love. Maybe they also had their struggles and problems in their relationship but to me it looked like they both were very happy with each other. The way he was looking at her while turning his head to her was out of this world. I think now I finally saw it. Now I knew that she was happy with him and finally there was one picture that even showed me that it was true love what they shared. And we were done.

________

“Sometimes you get so lonely Sometimes you get nowhere I've lived all over the world I've lived every place Please be mine Share my life Stay with me Be my wife”

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littlebeachhousetl · 2 years ago

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underabr0kensky · 8 years ago

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BIGGEST GODDAMN SURVEY EVER HOLY SHIT

1- How are you? Content I suppose.

2- Post a picture of yourself. I did yesterday you fuck, go look.

3- Do you ever wish you were someone else? Nah, I’d probably still be messed up as anyone else.

4- What is your entire name? Conner Wade Garcia.

5- How old are you? 24.

6- Age you get mistaken for: I’ve been mistaken for like 19.

7- Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality: Libra, and yeah, the stuff I see is usually fairly accurate.

8- What did you do on your last birthday? Worked, and then slept.

9- What is one thing you would like to accomplish before your next birthday? Uhh...maybe quit drinking?

10- What is your hair color? Dark brown.

11- Have you ever dyed your hair? I had a rat tail when I was like 12 that I dyed blonde.

12- What is your eye color? Hazel, sometimes gray.

13- If you could change your eye color, would you? I’d make them perma-gray.

14- Do you wear contacts/glasses? Yep, I’m fucking blind without my contacts.

15- Your opinion about your body and how confortable you are with it: Meh. It needs work. Fucking pudgy belly.

16- Have you ever considered plastic surgery? What would you alter about your body? Nope.

17- Say 8 facts about your body: That’s a lot, so I’ll say one: I have two scars on my right hand in almost the same place.

18- Do you have any tattoos? Not yet.

19- Do you have any piercings? Nope.

20- Left or right handed? I am a righty, not a subhuman Morlock freak witch person.

21- What’s your sexual orientation? Straight.

22- Do you drink? Yeah, more than I should.

23- Do you smoke? No.

24- Do you have any pets? I wish. I want a kitteh.

25- Where do you work? I don’t right now. I worked at Walmart til like a month ago.

26- Something you are working on right now: Cutting back on my drinking.

27- Do you have any “rules” about food? Nah, but there are some foods I just can’t stand.

28- Where are you from? Tennessee. Ew.

29- What would you say is your best quality? Uhh. I’m good at listening.

30- What do you think you’re really good at? Guitar.

31- What do you think you’re really bad at? Staying sober.

32- What talent do you wish you’d been born with? I’d be happy with not having been born with depression.

33- Are you a bad person? Well I mean I think I kind of suck, but everyone says I’m awesome.

34- Are you nice to everyone? I try to be.

35- Say 3 facts about your personality: I have a temper, I like to listen, and I doubt myself a lot.

36- Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? Yeah lol.

37- What is your ideal bed? Why? A king bed with a curtain around it, because fuck anyone staring at me sleeping. Unless it’s my girlfriend.

38- Did you wake up cranky? Depends on how early I get up.

39- Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? Sometimes.

40- What do you think about the most? My mind is too all over the place for that.

41- Share 2 habits: Drinking and nail-biting.

42- What you want to be when you “get older”? Financially stable bruh.

43- What are your career goals? To not live paycheck to paycheck. And maybe to not hate my job.

44- What is your ideal career? Musician.

45- Is your life anything like it was two years ago? Fucking fuck no.

46- Do you replay things that have happened in your head? Oh yeah, that’s like 98% of my day.

47- Have you ever had an imaginary friend? Yeah, I have.

48- Say 10 facts about your room: I’m not gonna listen ten, but I have a bunch of band/music posters, there’s an electric drum kit in the corner, there are lots of dragon statues, there’s an Arcueid figure (Tsukihime for anyone who gets that), uhh...Borderlands 2 is paused on my TV right now. And there are many guitars.

49- Do you have any phobias? Spiders, needles, and fucking tornadoes.

50- Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? Yeah, both of them. The therapist stopped practicing which sucked and the psychiatrist was a Godfagging quack.

51- Are you allergic to anything? If so, what? Pollen, rabbits, pork, artificial green apple, cat dandruff, and goldenrod. And amoxicillin.

52- Ever broken any bones? Nope, and I have no idea how.

53- Ever come close to death? Yeah, a couple of times.

54- Things you like and dislike about yourself: Uhh. I like my looks for the most part and my musical talent. Hate pretty much everything else lol.

55- A random fact about yourself: I can curl my tongue. Helps me play the harmonica.

56- What are three things most people don’t know about you? I’ve kissed a guy before, I cry a lot for a guy (or for a person, probably), and I like anime a lot. Specifically stupid slice of life shit and shonen.

57- An unknown fact about your life: Uhh. My stupid fucking taskbar can’t be right clicked. I hate Windows 10.

58- Share something about yourself others might think is weird: I like being choked and slapped in bed.

59- Five weird things that you like: Fried calimari, pineapple on pizza, Wendy’s fries dipped in their chocolate shake (thanks Jess), classical music, and getting drunk outside.

60- Do you have a facebook? If so, would you add the person who sent you this? Yes. And nobody sent me this, I just fill these out as surveys because nobody fucking responds if I just reblog it.

61- Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Yeah, but they’re not recent. I’m not really active on there anymore.

62- Describe yourself in one word/sentence: Fucked up.

63- A quote you try to live by: “I choose to live rather than just exist” comes the closest, but I’m doing a terrible job of that lol.

64- Leave me a compliment: Uhh. Anyone who reads this, you’re pretty.

Favorites

65- What is your favorite thing to do? Play guitar or listen to music. Or, lately, play Borderlands 2. The DLC is poppin’, yo.

66- What’s your favorite color? Black.

67- What’s your favorite band/singer? Favorite band is Children of Bodom. Favorite singers are James Hetfield, Marc Hudson, Howard Jones, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Elvis Presley, Anders Fridén, Matt Heafy, Warrel Dane, Amy Lee, probably others I’ve forgotten.

68- What’s your favorite movie? That’s hard. Goodfellas, the Godfather Part I and II, 300, both Avengers movies, Captain America: Civil War, Titanic, Hesher, and Good Will Hunting are some of my favorites.

69- What are your favorite books? The Wheel of Time series, Bag of Bones, the Harry Potter series, The Way of Kings, Words of Radiance, Penpal, Shout!: The Beatles in Their Generation, A Painted House, Jurassic Park, Black Lightning, shit I have a lot more.

70- What is your favorite quote and why? The above quote, because it represents what I wish I could actually do. But ya know. Money.

71- What is your favorite word? Fuck.

72- What is your least favorite word? Money.

73- What is your favorite type of food? Italian food motherfucker. Specifically lasagna.

74- Your favorite ice cream? Heath bar.

75- What’s your favorite animal? KITTEH.

76- Dogs or cats? KITTEHS.

77- Describe your favourite texture: Uhh. Those really soft silky-feeling blankets.

78- What is your favorite flower? A BLACK ROSE EHHHH SO EDGY. Probably daffodils.

79- What’s your favourite scent? And on the opposite sex? The smell right before or after it rains. And on the opposite sex, whatever perfume they like.

80- What is your favorite season? Spring.

81- What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die? Venice, Berlin, Scotland, Norway, and that weird island with the dragon fruit and flat freaky trees that I’ve forgotten the name of and am too lazy to Google.

82- What are four things you can’t live without and why? Internet, phone, music, and cute animals. Because they keep me from fucking murdering myself.

83- Which mythological creature are you most like? Why? I have no idea but I’m gonna take a quiz right now, brb. Apparently I’m a goddamn unicorn, fuck.

84- What’s your favorite television show? House M.D.

85- Favorite place to shop at? Walmart. Fuck shopping bruh.

86- Say 2 facts about your favorite things: Uhh. One has strings and one lives in Germany.

Family, childhood and places

87- Say 4 facts about your parents: My dad is Spanish, my mom has depression, they divorced when I was like 11, and my dad is a medical professional.

88- Are you more like your mom or your dad? I think I’m like. Exactly equal to both of them. It’s frustrating.

89- Do you have any siblings? An older half brother, two younger step siblings, and two younger half brothers.

90- Say 9 facts about your family: That’s too many facts, die. My family is really big though and my dad’s side can speak Spanish.

91- What’s your relationship like with your family? Meh. Not great with my dad, my mom and I are fine though.

92- Say 7 facts about your childhood: There was a lot of stress and emotional abuse and shit. But it was also a better childhood than most people I think.

93- The best and the worst childhood memories: one of my favorites was when I got a PS1 for my birthday. Worst, I have no idea. Whenever my parents fought, which was a lot.

94- Say 6 facts about your home town: It’s tiny, it’s full of rednecks with fucking F10000 penis substitutes, it has a pretty chill as county fair. I know that’s only 4, fuck off.

95- Are you going out of town soon? Nah, I doubt it.

96- Where would you like to live? If I had to stay in America, California. If I could leave, I dunno, probably Norway or Sweden. Somewhere in Europe definitely.

97- What would your dream house be like? Victorian style please.

98- Where would you go on your dream vacation? Italy. I’d get banned from the country for eating all their food.

99- Where you want to be right now? With my girlfriend, or at a beach somewhere.

100- Top three places to visit: Venice, Berlin, Spain.

Friends

101- Would you ever smile at a stranger? Yeah, I do sometimes.

102- Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? Girls. Most of the guys around here act like douches and only ever talk about sports or fucking girls.

103- Who is someone you never tire of? My girlfriend.

104- Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? There are a couple of people.

105- Who is your most loyal friend? Phil.

106- Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? Mhmm. Three people.

107- If your best friend died, what would you do? Get horrendously drunk for days on end and snap at everyone.

108- A reason you’ve lied to a friend: No idea. Probably because I didn’t want to leave my house or something, lol.

109- Have you ever felt replaced? Yeah, sometimes.

110- Say 5 facts about your bestfriend(s): Too many facts. But he is a drummer and he likes roleplaying games.

Relationships

111- The last person you hugged? Not a fucking clue. Sasha I think.

112- Who was your first kiss with? Girl named Jessica. It was in the garden section at Walmart lol.

113- Do you like kissing in public? I fucking love it.

114- Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yeah, plenty of times.

115- You have a preference for boys or girls? Girls pls.

116- Is the male or female body closest to perfection? I don’t think anything or anyone is perfect, but I prefer the female body.

117- Do you believe in love at first sight? Nah.

118- Do you believe in soul mates? Maybe. I didn’t used to but now I kinda do.

119- What is your idea of the perfect date? I don’t really care honestly. Just something cute and romantic.

120- Based on past relationships or crushes, describe your perfect boyfriend/girlfriend: I like someone who I can talk to and not get bored of, someone who can keep up with my weird thought processes, and someone who doesn’t mind me being a kinky fuck.

121- What is the first thing you noticed in someone? Eyes or face in general, usually. Unless they’re wearing a crazy outfit or something.

122- Are looks important in a relationship? Yeah. They’re not the most important thing but I have to be attracted to someone.

123- What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? There’s not really an external characteristic someone needs to have for me to like them, but I love red hair.

124- What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? No biggie as long as it’s not like a 26 year old dating a 13 year old or something. My ex and I were five years apart.

125- Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? Hahaha. The only two serious relationships I’ve had were on the Internet.

126- Five guys/girls whom you find attractive: The girlfriend, the ex girlfriend, Emma Watson, Olivia Wilde, Mila Kunis.

127- Do you have a crush on anyone? It’s a bit more than a crush.

128- A description of the girl/boy you like: She’s hot as fuck yo. Hotter than you. :D

129- Say 1 fact about the person your like: She has facial piercings and she always loses :P

130- If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? “Can I meet the body I mean person?”

131- When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Whenever I sent the girlfriend the last message lol.

132- Do you think someone has feelings for you? I know she does.

133- Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Probably. Ew.

134- Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? You could say I make a habit of it.

135- Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Who hasn’t?

136- Anyone you’re giving up on? Nah. Probably should be, but nah.

137- Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yup.

138- Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? Yeah, the girl I dated throughout high school was kind of a cunt to my friends.

139- Have you ever liked one of your best friends? Yup.

140- Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Mhmm. Scary thought haha.

141- Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? Yes.

142- Is there someone you will never forget? Absolutely.

143- Say five ways to win your heart: Babble at me in a foreign language, cook me Italian food, introduce me to your cat, leave big ass scratches down my back, or act like a sappy romantic fuck.

144- What turns you on? Slapping, choking, hair pulling, biting, scratching, moaning, hard tongue on tongue kissing, girl on girl. I’m a guy. Eat me.

145- What turns you off? Bitchy people and close-minded bigoted fucks.

146- What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Jerk me while you whisper about fucking a girl into my ear and don’t let me cum until you say so. It has been done to me and it was fucking awesome.

147- What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? Probably when I found out Jess had started a separate bank account and was funneling parts of her paychecks into it to help me financially when I moved up there. Nice job fucking that one up, Conner.

148- What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? Honestly I don’t care at this point. Just love me lol.

149- Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Have you had one written for you? Yes, and no actually.

150- What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? Woke Jess up while she was clearly having a nightmare and held her hand until she calmed down.

151- Are you in love? Yes.

152- Are you in a relationship? Yes.

153- If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? She’s a fucking dork and I love it.

154- Are relationships ever worth it? Yeah, they’re just hard.

155- Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? I don’t think so.

156- Can you commit to one person? Mhmm.

157- Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Yeah, I’ve done it plenty of times lol.

158- Do you ever want to get married? Yes.

159- Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? Maybe. Hopefully.

160- Future names of your children: I do not want kids.

161- Do you get jealous easily? Yeah. Not like possessive jealous, but it’s pretty easy to make me jealous.

162- The last time you felt jealous, and why? I have no idea. Probably when my girlfriend hung out with her shit ex lol.

163- What is your definition of cheating? Anything you wouldn’t want your partner finding out about I suppose. I guess anything past hugging/holding hands.

164- Have you ever been cheated on? Yes.

165- Do you forgive betrayal? Eh. I probably would even though I shouldn’t.

166- Have you ever cheated on someone? Not my proudest moment, but yes, I cheated to get back at her for cheating on me. It did not help.

167- Why did your last relationship fail? Because I was an asshole and I fucked it up.

168- Things you want to say to an ex: I am so sorry, it was entirely my fault, you did nothing wrong and I hope you forgive me.

169- A description of the person you dislike the most: Anyone who has dated my girlfriend. :P

170- If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? I would have no idea wtf she’s apologizing for, but yeah of course.

171- How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? Not a clue honestly. A good many, but most of them haven’t been serious.

172- How long was your longest relationship? Almost 5 years.

173- You’ll love me if… You like musicians I guess?

174- Share a relationship story: Lol okay. So when I went to visit Jess, we went out for dinner with her roommate and her roommate’s boyfriend. And they all went to a super Christian private college. We were trying to keep our relationship sort of on the DL because the school was very gossip-y and Jess grew up in a town of like 700 people and her parents were ridiculous about her dating, much less dating a dude five years older that she met online. But anyway. We finished eating and we were all shooting the shit, and when we got up to take the dishes over to the little conveyor belt thing Jess and I kinda play-wrestled and I knocked a plate on her arm. And she was like “Look you made a mess on my hand” and without even thinking I said “Yeah, that’s what I do” without troubling to keep my voice down and winked like a dumbass. And she turned redder than a tomato and her roommate got this “OMFG” look on her face and Jess punched the shit out of my shoulder hahaha. Ahh. Good memories.

Music, movies and books

175- How often do you listen to music? Pretty much whenever I’m not watching a movie or playing a game.

176- What kind of music you like? I am a metalhead but I like everything.

177- Do you like to dance? I like to mosh.

178- What was the first concert/show you attended? Killswitch Engage with Parkway Drive, Escape Plan and Every Time I Die.

179- Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? Yeah.

180- Share a song that takes you to a certain memory in the past: “Hello” by Adele. Shit was always on the pop station that my ex and I listened to in SD.

181- A song that’s been stuck in your head: “Hoshi no Furumachi” by The Fallen Moon.

182- Put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play: Oh fuck off, fine. 1. Your Love Kills Me--The Veer Union 2. Everybody’s Trying to Be My Baby--The Beatles 3. Baptism -strings ver.-: Fate/Stay Night OST 4. Bang Bang--Jessie J, Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj 5. What is Eternal--Trans-Siberian Orchestra 6. Big Girls Don’t Cry--Fergie 7. Space Room--Bruce Faulconer 8. The Gun Show--In This Moment 9. Shit Out of Luck--Foamy the Squirrel 10. Blaze Heatnix--Megaman X6 OST

183- A book you want to read/have recently read: I wanna finish reading Bazaar of Bad Dreams.

184- Describe your dream library: Just fucking packed with horror and fantasy and drama books. And biographies.

185- Last movie you just watched: Uhh...Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings.

186- Do you like watching what type of movies? I love horror.

Situations and crazy things

187- You’re in a tattoo parlor about to get inked. What are you getting done? 7-star Dragon Ball on my shoulder.

189- What’s something you can see yourself going to jail for? Pirating too much shit. :P

190- If you could be any character, from any literary work, who would you choose to be? I wouldn’t. Becoming someone else would be shitty.

191- You’re given $10,000…under one condition:you cannot keep the money for yourself. Who would you give it to? My girlfriend probably. Then she could afford a plane ticket :P

192- If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? Don’t ask me that, I’ll get sad.

193- If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why? Polonium. Because it sounds cool.

194- If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? 2016. It was shit.

195- You’re an Action Movie Hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy? Give me a badass sword. And I dunno, probably “I’ve got balls of steel”

196- If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like? Some bullshit crazy roller coaster that has a 1 in 10 chance of killing you.

197- What is the first curse word that comes to mind? FUCK.

198- What the last party you went to was… and when the next will be… Fuck parties.

199- Halloween costume idea? I was gonna be a Kroger bag for Halloween when I worked at Walmart.

200- What are you supposed to be doing right now? Nothing. I am ethereal.

201- Currently wanting to see anyone? Yes, always.

202- Why you follow me? I can’t, you’re a survey.

203- If you met me what would you do? Wonder how a survey was walking around.

204- Leave me a ridiculous question: Why are you so interested in me?

205- Leave me a cute message: Fluffy cats.

Opinions and beliefs

206- Is the cup half full or half empty for you right now? There is no cup. I smashed it.

207- Do you believe in fate/destiny? Nah.

208- What you wish for on 11:11? Happiness.

209- Do you consider yourself lucky? What’s your good luck charm? Fuck no lol.

210- Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? Yeah, there’s no way we’re alone in this fuck huge universe.

211- What is your religion, if any? I am not religious.

212- Would you go against your moral code for money? Depends on which part of the moral code and the amount of money.

213- What’s more important to you:strength of the body or strength of the mind? Gimme dem moosels.

214- How important you think education is? If it’s a good education, very important, but the shit that passes for education in America is less important than deciding what kind of toilet paper to buy.

215- If you were the president, what would you do? Die of the anxiety and stress during my inauguration.

216- If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change? Money wouldn’t have turned everyone into a greedy cunt.

217- Is it the thought that counts? Or is that phrase circumstantial? Eh. Depends on the situation. Somebody with no medical training trying to save somebody who was injured and instead ends up accidentally killing them should have just kept their thoughts to themselves.

218- If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? Buy a plane ticket to Berlin.

219- Which movie character do you most identify with and why? Greg House. Because depression and alcoholism suck.

Feelings and Others

220- Are you a procrastinator or do you get things done early? I procrastinate procrastination.

221- Post a photo/draw a picture/write a poem (pick one) of a moment of personal significance: That is not happening, I am lazy.

222- Say 5 things you love unconditionally: The girlfriend, music, food, the Internet, and kittehs.

223- What motivates you in life? My girlfriend. Seriously if I hadn’t found her I’d be a puddle of vaguely human-shaped sadness on the ground.

224- Something that you’re proud of: I can play guitar.

225- Five words/phrases that make you laugh: “Look at this fucking bird making pasta. Just look at it for fuck’s sake”

226- Share the story of something that makes you smile: Watching all of the “Will it [insert food here]?” videos from GoodMythicalMorning with Jess. Fun nights.

227- Something you always think “what if…” about: You probably know the answer lol.

228- What was something you used to enjoy, but was ruined for you? What’s the story behind that? LotR. Because I watched them with Jess and now they just make me sad, stop making me think about this shit.

229- Describe one of the most awkward experiences of your life: When I tried to dance with my crush in like 3rd grade and had no idea wtf I was doing lmao.

230- Something/someone that you miss: THE GIRLFRIEND. WAKE YO ASS UP.

231- Are you over your past? Not entirely.

232- What is your saddest memory? When she broke up with me, what the fuck did I JUST say.

233- One of the hardest moments in your life: Holy fuck you’re doing this on purpose.

234- Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? YEAH. AS A MATTER OF FUCKING FACT THERE IS.

235- What’s something you want to do that you’d be embarrassed to tell other people about? I wanna go to a vocaloid concert.

236- What was your most embarrassing moment? Fuck if I know. I embarrass myself a lot.

237- Share one of your fears/insecurities: I hate my nasty pudgy belly.

238- Something you’re currently worrying about: Getting a fucking job.

239- Have you done something you regret very much? Yes.

240- If you could take something back that you said or did, what would it be? I would take back what an asshole I was.

241- Does anyone hate you? Probably.

#personal #survey #about me #this fucking thing was huge #i did it over the course of like 3 days

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madeofpurestarlight · 8 years ago

Text

If This Was A Movie, VII

// While Effie Trinket is Hollywood’s darling and all her dreams seem to be finally coming true, Haymitch Abernathy is drinking himself into an early grave and shuts the world out completely. However, Plutarch Heavensbee decides it’s time for his comeback. The two main stars can’t stand each other and tension builds up soon, but as they dive in deep into this project, somewhere between shooting love scenes, fighting on-set, fighting off-set, opening up hesitantly and helping their younger colleagues deal with everything this world brings, they grow closer and closer, until one day they realize they’re not pretending anymore. | Hayffie Actors AU //

“PUSH AND PULL”

May, Venice

Having Chaff around usually had surprising perks, but lately, his presence was only making Haymitch even more grumpy, tired and generally annoyed than he usually was.

Firstly of all, Chaff was used to getting up early. Haymitch totally wasn’t.

Secondly, Chaff has decided that he was going to whip Haymitch into shape if Effie alone failed. And Haymitch totally wasn’t down for that.

But because the first nine days of filming were rather uneventful in general, at least there was finally someone to talk to. Haymitch was slowly realizing that he was kind of starved for an understanding company again.

He was ignoring Effie since the chair incident (when he showed the bruise to Chaff, his friend ordered a bottle of champagne for her room, which she returned to him with an eyeroll the next morning), Peeta and Katniss were busy, Finnick and Johanna were drinking all the time which he felt no need to witness in his permanent semi-drunk, semi-sober, desperately thirsty state, and Plutarch and the rest of the crew were nice, but Haymitch didn’t feel any need to spend time with them. The only exception was Cinna, one of the costume designers, who often joined him during dinners and who had at least proven not to be as annoying as the rest.

One morning, Chaff dragged Haymitch for a nine am walk around the town. It was one of the colder days, without much sunshine, and it actually looked like it was going to rain – again, weather usually had zero effects on Haymitch’s mood, which was shitty whether it was falling wheelbarrows or whether he was being slowly fried in his own sweat, but walking around windy, sleepy Venice in a winter jacket with Chaff who was purposefully stopping on every stone bridge and was non-stop reading out loud from a handy tourist guide just to annoy his friend was definitely going to take place on the top of Haymitch’s list of things he never wanted to experience in life.

They visited the Doge’s Palace, the San Marco Campanile, countless museums and galleries and when they finally found a spot to have a lunch at, Coin was already ringing Chaff to come back to the set, which left Haymitch with room service and the unwanted bottle of champagne, which has turned out to be actually pretty disgusting, so Haymitch didn’t know if Chaff meant it to be a thank you or a fuck you for Effie for bruising his ass.

Eventually, a warm day, fully spring day came, with various smells in the salty air, most notably chlorine from the pool and the scents of continental breakfast ahead of Haymitch and Chaff who were sitting by an opened French window in the cafeteria and were silently struggling with their pancakes and cold, overly creamy coffee. Haymitch’s attention was caught by the opening of the glass door leading to the pool area and he quickly looked at his watch. Exactly eight fifteen as always. That woman was insane.

It was Effie, in a white beach dress, with hair up in an elegant ponytail and heels unreasonably high for merely hanging by the pool, she walked up to her usual spot by the flower bushes, carefully placed her designer handbag on the sunbed and reached for the hem of the dress, then pulled it over her head and no less carefully folded it next to the handbag. Next thing, she kicked off her shoes and headed to the pool where she first dipped her toes into the water and then slowly lowered herself there.

She was doing everything with grace, but it was also irritating him for some reason. As if she felt the need to prove everyone how much better than them she was, twenty-four seven, even if she thought that no one was watching – which she couldn’t have thought, because except for Haymitch and Chaff, there were also Finnick, Johanna, Cinna, Portia, Castor and Cressida in the cafeteria, and they all had to stare, if unwillingly.

“It’s not a bad life,” Chaff remarked when he looked in the direction of Haymitch’s steady gaze. “I wouldn’t complain if I had this view every day.”

“She’s awful,” Haymitch grunted, but didn’t take his eyes off her.

“Why are you stripping her with your eyes then?”

“I’m not.”

“Tell that to someone who doesn’t know you,” Chaff dismissed it with clear amusement. “You like her.”

Haymitch snorted. Like her. Sure. In what universe? Since the moment he came here, she was his nightmare. He has discovered a phobia of his – getting stuck with her in an elevator. Sharing the same hotel floor was bad enough. Yeah, she was hot, he’d give her that, who wouldn’t, but hot was no longer a deciding factor when it came to liking someone.

“I see our little drama queen is giving you horny guys a show.” Johanna slumped down to their table without a warning and Finnick closely followed. He at least didn’t stare so openly, but it was obvious that he wanted to have a look, too.

“Can you all just stop staring at her?” Haymitch suddenly lashed out. It was beyond him why it was annoying him so much. He was doing the exact same thing. It wasn’t even about protecting her dignity, or whatever. She wanted that kind of attention, even if she was a horrible prude on the outside. He just didn’t like how everyone seemed to not have a better thing to do than to ogle at her as if they have never seen a woman before in their life.

Chaff raised his brows and turned to the newcomers. “We were just talking about how Haymitch has developed a crush on Trinket.”

“No shit,” Johanna laughed, apparently in her element. “I mean, I’d go with her too, if she wasn’t so annoying.”

“Also, I’ve never heard of a man who could withstand Effie Trinket’s personal charm,” Finnick chipped in. “I myself have gone into acting just for the hope that I might get to play her lover someday. Well, I’m playing her son, but it’s still a progress. Maybe someday. You lucky bastard.”

“Shut up,” Haymitch took a sip of his coffee, but the three people around him were apparently having way too much fun.

“That’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Finnick continued, “it’s perfectly normal, actually.”

"You’re staring, too!” Johanna pointed out bluntly and took a piece of his bread without asking, then dipped it into his creamy coffee and bit into it.

“It’s too cold for that,” Haymitch explained, jerked his head towards the pool and then brushed off the crumbs from the bread into Johanna’s lap.

She brushed them on the ground like a child. “No, it’s not. I’d have a swim, too.”

“You like her,” Chaff insisted.

Haymitch rolled his eyes and stood up, pushing the chair away in the process. "You’re like little kids.”

“No wait, sorry,” Finnick laughed and waved it off. “Hey, have you two got any plans for today?”

“I don’t know,” Haymitch shrugged.

"Nevermind,” Johanna waved it off with the soaked bread, “we’re finishing here tomorrow and me and Finnick and Cres thought that we could have a little wrap party. I mean, we’ve been here for some time and we haven’t gone anywhere together, so now’s an opportunity.”

“You’re going out with us,” Finnick translated it to the two men.

“No, thank you.”

Johanna rolled her eyes and lent back against the chair violently. She was prone to violent moves in general, as if there was always too much energy for her body to contain. “C'mon, you’re no fun.”

“I can live with that,” Haymitch replied dryly.

Chaff caught up pretty fast, though. “It could be fun,” he elbowed his friend with an important look.

“Everyone’s going,” Finnick insisted.

"What do you mean by everyone?” Haymitch asked cautiously.

“Well, everyone. Us, Effie, Katniss, Peeta, I think, if he’s not already in France, the crew…”

"No, thank you.”

“Come on,” Johanna wined, stretching the ooooon as annoyingly as possible, “it’s end of one part. Plus, Plutarch insists on us doing something as a group for bonding purposes or some shit. I promised to him I’d get you to join us once a while. If you come now, you’re done.“

Haymitch couldn’t believe his ears. He didn’t know what has gotten into everyone. Normally, when people saw that he wasn’t interested and didn’t even bother to hide it, their own interest dropped quickly, but everybody here was so persistent. Had he wanted to socialize, he would have. "So you promised Plutarch, huh? I don’t have to listen to him once the camera’s off, so-”

Johanna heavily swallowed the rest of the bread and interrupted him again. “I’ll make sure you get a drink or two, and if Trinket opens her mouth, I’ll gladly kick her boney ass out the door, but don’t make me listen to all that you need better relationships if you want good results bullshit. It’s like kindergarten all over again.”

“When exactly?” Chaff asked and ignored Haymitch’s dirty look.

“Tomorrow at five. We’ll tell you the place once we find something proper.”

"Fine, we’ll be there,” Chaff said and blocked Haymitch’s vicious under-the-table kick.

Johanna snapped her fingers and nudged Finnick to get up. She pushed the chair a solid meter away at the intensity of her movement. "Cool. See you.”

“And you like her,” Finnick lent to Haymitch and ran away before he could earn himself a punch.

Chaff waited until the two were out of earshot and took a nonchalant sip from his coffee. "So?”

“What?” Haymitch snapped, royally aggravated this early in the morning.

“Do you?”

Chaff’s laughter followed him out of the cafeteria when his nerves finally cracked and got up just as vigorously as Johanna, then marched out with knuckles white on his fists when his eyes wandered back to Effie who was climbing up the pool’s steps with her now loose, soaked hair combed back and wet white bikini clinging to her in all the right places.

Like her.

Sure.

ii.

Katniss didn’t notice that there was someone else with her in the internet café until that someone had put something down on the desk and she felt their presence immediately behind her. “Happy birthday.”

She hastily closed the tab and looker over her shoulder in startle. Her eyes met a pastel blue pair. “Peeta.”

“Sorry,” he laughed, pulled out a chair for himself and sat down next to her. The air was immediately full of the scent of cinnamon. He always smelled like Christmas – either cinnamon, or apples, or oranges, or vanilla. It was his hands that smelled that way and she could never figure out why. “It is your birthday, isn’t it? The 8th of May?”

“Yeah,” she said awkwardly. “I just kinda hoped no one would know.”

“Really?” Peeta’s face fell. “Oh well… hope you’re okay with this.”

“It’s fine.” Katniss looked down on what Peeta had gotten her. “What is it?”

“Have a look.”

She only hesitated for a second, then picked it up. It was a folder with something light in it. In the folder, there was a sketch between two pieces of blank paper. It took her a while to understand what it really was when she looked at it. Then her heart dropped. It was her.

It was a portrait of her, a portrait of her she had never posed for and one that certainly wasn’t based on a picture she had ever posed for, either. It wasn’t colored, but it was amazingly well-shaded, and almost photorealistic. n the picture, she was sitting on a bench in what looked like a rose garden, wearing a flower crown, her lose braid falling down her shoulder like an ebony waterfall. Her eyes were sparkly, she was laughing, and the real-life Katniss was amazed at how well he could grasp her features. He must have studied her pictures for a long time. It made the blood rush into her pale cheeks.

Katniss wasn’t used to be much of a center of attention. Back home, in the small town of Seam with its deep, fresh-smelling forests, huge meadows and permanently polluted air thanks to the nearby mines, she had never been considered interesting, just different, not necessarily in the positive sense of the word.

The media made it seem like she sat alone at the lunch table because other kids were afraid of her unique charm. Because she intimidated them with being so courageous, self-reliant, interesting. In reality, she was sitting there alone because instead of going home after school to do her homework and then hanging out at some café with her classmates, she went to the Hub to help Hazelle and wash dishes, hand out sandwiches and scrub the toilets, and the next day, she’d be sleeping on her desk during breaks at school instead of socializing. During the weekend, she’d do the cleaning and cooking for the next week. By the age of fourteen, she was basically taking on a parent’s role – picking up Prim from school, bringing home some humble money, managing the household and still taking on her own responsibilities.

Her basically only friends were Gale and Madge. Gale was Hazelle Hawthorne’s oldest son whom she met at the Hub when she was eleven, just a few weeks after her father died during a mining accident, but she had seen him before – at her father’s funeral. She saw Haymitch Abernathy there as well, drunk as always, only staying there for so long as necessary, then immediately sneaking out before her mother even had the chance to talk to him.

Nobody welcomed him there with open arms; he had been gone for too long and things have changed too much. Or at least as much as possible in a small southern town in the heart of the Appalachians. She didn’t even know that he was his father’s friend until Hazelle told her. He had never come to visit, at least since she could remember, he had never done anything. He just left and never looked back. Traded the gold leaf of Hollywood for his roots while people there were daily struggling to get by. Like Katniss’s father, or Hazelle, or anyone else.

Gale was a good friend to her, a safe haven. They were close like siblings and cared for each other’s families as if they were their own. Madge Undersee was a good friend to her as well. She was the daughter of the local Mayor and lived in the nicer part of the down, closer to the center, in a huge house with a separate dining room with an old piano, many original paintings hanging in the halls and a pool in the garden. They used to sit together during lunch and sometimes went out together, but Katniss wasn’t really into Madge’s hobbies such as shopping or yoga or new music.

No, she definitely wasn’t spending so much time on her own because she was intimidating someone with being so awesome in every way. She was sitting there alone because she liked sitting there alone, and did everything to maintain it that way. Nobody had to knew how bad her situation was. She didn’t want the compassion. She didn’t want the sympathetic stares. She didn’t want the awkward offers of help. She just wanted to be left alone.

But in the world of the silver screen – a world that she was thrown into thanks to one test screening where her drama teacher sent her to along with a few other girls out of pure pity – never asked her whether she preferred to be alone, because she was never alone. When she wasn’t with her publicist, she was with her manager, or with the cast, or with a make-up artist, or with a journalist, or with random fans, or-

No, there was no alone.

In Venice, she was forced to spend time with people that she felt like she had nothing much to say to. The adults treated her as if she was a little kid, especially Effie, who, for whatever reason, felt the urge to always ask her not to speak with her mouth full or to adjust the collar of her shirt.

Haymitch was the opposite pole – he didn’t want to spend much time with anyone. He was with Chaff a lot and Johanna has proved to be a solid match to him when it came to being an asshole. At first, Katniss didn’t even want to talk to him. But once, during a lunch break, they found themselves sitting next to each other. Katniss still sort of despised him, especially since his drunken episode which has left her and Peeta for Effie to take her neuroticism out on, but the two shared, except for the same eyes and the same roots, the unique gift of love for silence. Their silence somehow wasn’t awkward – it was strangely comfortable. Her father cared for him a lot and that was enough for her to try to at least tolerate him, even if the personal feeling of betrayal lingered on and probably still would for some time ahead.

Peeta was nice and he was trying, but he didn’t know the extent to which it was really nice and the point when it became annoying. Whenever he could, he’d pull out her chair, take her things, help her into her jacket. He took her out for a walk around the town, bought her ice cream and now drew a portrait of her.

She had little to no experience in this, but she wasn’t an idiot. She knew what was going on, ever since they first met six months ago in New York when Plutarch was introducing the cast and he had spent so much unhealthy time looking at her when he thought that she wasn’t paying attention. And, due to her zero experience, the only way she knew how to let him know that she wasn’t really feeling the same way was withdrawing and shutting him out completely.

“This is…” she cleared her throat when she realized that she was just quietly staring at it for too long and he was watching her with palpable anxiety, “this is amazing. Beautiful. God. You’re talented. Really.”

Peeta laughed lightly. It was the delicate laugh of relief of someone who didn’t want to ruin a fragile peace or trample a rare nice moment. It stung to be a person someone else thought was rare to have nice moments with. “You’re welcome.”

She looked up. Their eyes met again and though she didn’t see him move, he was suddenly closer than before. Or maybe she just imagined it because there was an unspoked question in the air. There was something else. She followed his eyes back down to the folder. There was another piece of paper. Smaller and thinner, luxurious-looking, with the huge letters 2017 CANNES FILM FESTIVAL on it. It wasn’t the formal invitation one usually got from the organizers, it was a VIP ticket to a movie screening. Peeta’s movie. She understood it before he asked.

“Would you come?”

And there it was.

She couldn’t decline him. She wanted to, really. She had no desire to go to Cannes with him, or to go anywhere with him for that matter, because he was bound to consider it more than it was, an invitation to step forward. But when she watched him, his ears red, the way his fingers shook, eyes insecure and kind, she just said yes. His face lit up and he thanked her, said that it was awesome, and kept smiling through the entire day. Later, during the shooting of a scene in a gallery, he kissed her on her cheek, all out of a sudden, and Plutarch was thrilled about this sweet little improvisation. Well, at least someone was.

With the feeling of someone sentenced to guillotine, she mailed the news to her manager and publicist, who both considered it a great move, and then decided to call home.

“Hi,” she heard Prim’s soft voice on the other side.

“Hi, little duck,” Katniss smiled in relief. Finally, at least something familiar - finally something that made her feel normal. “Why are you picking up? Where’s mum?”

“Mum is at work,” her sister said hastily. Katniss immediately knew that it wasn’t the case.

“Is everything okay back there?” she asked anxiously, playing with the scratched plaster on her balcony. Her eyes wandered around the complex; it was the usual view - Effie Trinket was sitting by the pool, also speaking on the phone, gesturing toward Finnick and Johanna, who were rather loudly playing Marco Polo in the pool, to shut up. Fulvia Cardew was sitting in the pool bar, tapping something into her laptop.

“Of course,” Prim humored jauntily. “I got an A in Natural History today. Gale came over and brought us something from the Hub. He’s starting in the mines next week.”

Katniss let out an annoyed grunt. “I totally forgot about it. I should call him.”

“Are you okay?” Katniss could see Prim furrowing her brows in concern, big blue eyes hard to deceive. She was thirteen but she wasn’t an idiot and Katniss was never one to treat her as such. “Has something happened?”

Katniss considered brushing it off, but in that moment, she saw Peeta walk over to Effie, sit down and start sketching something, so she told Prim everything. When she finished, the younger girl remained silent for a while, and then she just said: “Why did you say yes if you wanted to say no?”

Thirteen-year-olds were prone to letting a lot of dumb things out of their mouths - but they were also prone to see everything simply. Prim was in that transition phase when she wasn’t a child anymore, but she wasn’t a teenager yet, either. However, she had always been the one who saw things clearly and realistically while remaining so optimistic about it. And she was, unlike other thirteen-year-olds, prone to always asking the right questions at the right time.

“I don’t know,” Katniss admitted. “Say hi to mum.”

That was three days ago and now, her eyes were rested at the suitcase provocatively lying on her bed, half-empty, with only the few basics there. She didn’t even have a dress. Cinna promised to get her one, and Peeta’s stylist would do her hair and make-up, but still, it was all so out-of-the blue, she didn’t feel ready. She had nothing prepared and she didn’t feel like going out there, posing for cameras next to Peeta who was too excited for her to tell him she had changed her mind.

People do a lot of things they don’t want to do and they need to cope with the consequences. That was apparently how adult life was and she had no chance but to accept the fact that she was an adult now without ever actually having the chance to be a proper teenager. It didn’t have to be that bad, after all. At least she’d see the sea. Prim had always wanted to go there. At least she could get her some pictures.

iii.

“Stop!”

“What’s your problem again?” Haymitch lashed out, not towards Plutarch, who was sitting in his chair by Cressida’s camera, but Effie, who was lying beneath him in a tight red cocktail dress with smudged lipstick and furrowed brows.

“Nothing, just…” she pushed him away while she was sitting up, “you’re doing it wrong.”

“Wrong?” His brows shot up. “That’s about a first when it comes to someone telling me that I’m doing it wrong here,” he patted the mattress tellingly and she rolled her eyes, pulling up her shoulder strap.

Plutarch sighed and waved at them with the screenplay. “Did you even read this? It says passionately. Not I’m not in the mood to do my job today, so I’ll just give an average performance and hope Alma Coin still pays me.”

“I’m not getting paid, anyway,” Haymitch shrugged and reached for his tuxedo jacket that had been carelessly left somewhere on the floor previously. Previous four times, actually.

“We’re not getting anywhere like this,” Cressida told Plutarch and didn’t even bother to make it discreet. Not that she’d manage that, anyway, because the room that they were shooting in was quite small and except for the two desperate main stars, Plutarch and Cressida, there was also Pollux, who was doing the close-ups, Chaff, who was leaning against the desk and watching the whole scene with undisguised amusement, and three assistants.

Not that Haymitch used to have a problem with it, but he had many, many years to wean it, and the thought of seven people including his best friend watching him pretend to fuck Effie Trinket wasn’t exactly… appealing. He was horrified when he first read it in the script, he was horrified when they talked about it during the rehearsals and he was horrified now that he realized that she wasn’t going to make it any easier for him.

“Is there going to be a day when there’s not a problem with you two?” Plutarch shook his head and got off his chair, then waved with both hands towards the door. “Alright, everyone get out, I want just Haymitch and Effie to stay here.”

“And what are we supposed to do here?” Effie crossed her arms and then released them again to adjust her wig.

“Talk about this. I’m a director, not your babysitter,” Plutarch told her sternly and opened the door to the hall of the hotel where they had rented an entire floor to film the last take of the Venice shooting, which was supposed to be a romantic, passionate love scene but so far was only a mess that was eating up their time and money without satisfying results. “If you two have a problem, then it’s you two who has to do something about it. I didn’t care but it’s ruining this filming and I’m tired of it. When you’re done, come for us. We’re next door.”

With that, the room slowly began to empty. Neither Haymitch or Effie missed the disagreeing scowl that Chaff shot them before leaving.

“This is your fault,” she hissed at Haymitch when the door closed behind her assistant and they were left there alone, face to face. “You’re just not doing it right.”

“How exactly am I not doing it right?” he retorted. “Never thought about the possibility that maybe you’re the problem here? Like, when was your last lay?”

“Certainly more recently than yours,” she fired back, and her expression made it clear that she herself had no idea why she was even responding to him and letting him irk her like this.

“So tell me what you’d like,” he was near shouting now. She stood up and he followed, so now they were standing in front of each other with faces reddening with anger that they had this unique superpower of arousing in each other without much effort.

Effie curled her hands into fists and propped them against her hips, a gesture that, he noticed, she was often using when mad or during a fit of self-righteousness. “Do you know what I’d like? Some respect, maybe. You can’t just grab someone and throw them on the bed like that.”

“I’m sure that’s exactly what you’d use from time to time,” Haymitch spat.

“Well, if you start it like that, then finish it like that,” she continued, her voice soaked with mockery, “or are you always running out of battery in the middle of the act?”

“I’m not the only one here. Maybe you’re frigid.”

“You’d be surprised.”

He wasn’t really thinking when he did it, but suddenly, her back was against the wall and their faces mere inches from each other’s. They weren’t touching, but they could feel each other’s breath on their faces; they could feel the tension of the other one’s body. He was breathing in her flowery scent and the warmth of her skin and he promptly snapped back to reality in which this was a stupid idea. He really hadn’t been with anyone like this in a long time.

He’d lie if he said that he hadn’t thought about kissing her right there.

“That’s what you’d like?” she asked sharply with a pout on her mouth. Her feisty eyes fell on his lips for a split of a second before going up again and locking with his. That was when Chaff’s words popped up in his mind. It was like a kick in the stomach.

“You wish,” he grunted and moved away. It didn’t escape him that she let out a shaky breath as if she had been holding it the entire time.

They stood in front of each other, in a respectable distance now, with hardly much to say. There were things they couldn’t sort out in this very moment, like the fact that they were never going to get along and that he had weird and dirty things running through his mind when he saw the red spots appearing on her neck and half-exposed chest in embarrassment. They could do their job, though.

“So…” Effie ran her fingers through her wig, “what are we gonna tell them?”

Haymitch didn’t answer her, he just headed straight to the door and violently opened it. He didn’t want to admit to himself that what just happened made him a little bothered. “We’re ready.” The crew standing awkwardly in the hall looked up with careful hope in their faces. Haymitch looked at Plutarch who skeptically raised his eyes from the technical notes he was going through with Cressida. “We decided we don’t want anyone here. Just you, Cressida and Pollux.”

Plutarch nodded slowly. “As you wish.”

Once they all found themselves in the closed room again, they got in their places – Plutarch into his director chair that he had brought here for ostentatious purposes, even if any chair they had in this room would serve just as well, Cressida got behind her steady cam and Pollux lifted his heavy camera and carefully placed it on his shoulder, ready to circle the main couple in well-trained motion in order to get the best shots.

“Are you ready?” Plutarch asked, specifically talking to Haymitch and Effie, who were standing in front of the door, already locked up in a tight embrace, the hair of her wig tickling Haymitch’s nose. It wasn’t until now that he realized how petite she was in his arms.

“Yeah.”

“So… ligh- oh yeah, to hell with you two.” He got off the chair to turn on the artificial lights himself, then hurried back, “cameras, action!”

It was a good thing that there was no dialogue in this scene, because they wouldn’t get very far with talking. The second Plutarch said action, Haymitch pulled her towards him, just like he did those four times before, and didn’t bother to make it any gentler despite their previous talk. Effie didn’t seem to have a problem with it this time, though, because it was her who kissed him first.

He pushed her towards the bed and when her knees made contact with the edge of it, she pulled him down with her while helping him out of his jacket. The second it was, once more, forgotten on the floor, his hands wandered under her dress, up the tender skin of her thighs where they stopped. Meanwhile, she was unbuttoning his shirt vigorously and biting on his earlobe. Her hot breath and the undying flood of soft sighs sent chills down his spine.

His fingers reached for the hem of her dress and pulled it up. He had totally forgotten that there was someone else with them when he took her dress off and they moved further on the bed, throwing away his shirt. She giggled lightly when she struggled with his belt and pulled him down for a deep kiss.

She was, without a doubt, a good kisser.

Her fingers were running through his hair freely while his were tugging at the wig and the natural hair beneath it. He didn’t see her breasts, however, he felt them rubbing against his own bare chest and once more wanted to repeatedly bang his head at something at the ridicule of this all. Filmmaking was a fucked up concept in general, but situations like these always took it to a whole new level.

Then she pulled him for a kiss again, and he didn’t know whether it was her moans, her soft touch, her sweet warmth or a few years without an affair or at least a one night stand, but he suddenly felt himself… reacting.

He looked her in the eye and he knew she noticed it too. At first, he expected her to push him off her again and to have to start all over, but she didn’t do anything to let anyone know what was going on. She just ran her nails across his back and his lips moved to her neck. Her skin was soft there, and tasted bitter after her perfume and lotion. Then she pulled his face back closer to her face and they started kissing again – in a way that definitely could pass for passionate this time.

The more they were rubbing together, the worse it got. Not that having her under him like this was a horrible experience, but he found himself desperately waiting for Plutarch to yell stop nevertheless. He was becoming a little impatient, because when his and Effie’s eyes met before she closed them and let him lead, he could tell for sure that she was teasing him even more on purpose.

“Stop!”

The second he heard that magical word, Haymitch rolled off her as if she had burned him and Effie quickly covered herself with the sheet. Plutarch and Cressida whispered something to each other and the director walked up to the bed with a smile on his face. He handed the dress to Effie and the shirt to Haymitch.

“Good job, you two,” he said indulgently, “how are you feeling?”

Haymitch didn’t want to get up in fear that someone might notice his little problem, so he just sat on the edge of the bed and shot Effie a look. She seemed to feel just as uncomfortable. “Fine,” she said, nevertheless.

“Okay,” Plutarch quickly caressed her arm and headed for the door. “We’ll give you some space and send you your assistants. Take a little break, then we’ll shoot the next sequence and we’re done here!”

With that he nearly waltzed out of the room. Plutarch was notorious for being hard to please but once he was pleased, he could be grateful.

That didn’t matter to Haymitch. His face was ablaze, his insides tight with humiliation and anger. He was shaking. “You’re a bitch.”

“We are actually quite compatible between the sheets,” she replied indifferently with a shrug just as her assistant walked in with a water bottle and a robe. “Thank you, dear!”

She got up to go to the next room that was reserved for her when she heard his coarse voice shouting after her. “Do you feel better?”

She stopped in the door frame, gifting him with a flutter of her long, velvety fake lashes. There was something in her newly smug face that was making a clear statement. I won this time, sweetheart. However, her response came in a voice so innocent, it couldn’t be further from the throaty moans that were still echoing in his brain and torturing him even further. “But why should I?”

Heeeeeey everyone! So, a new chapter is here, finally! I keep getting nice messages/reviews despite taking so long to update, which is nice. Thank you everyone for motivating me to sit the hell down and finally finish the drafts that have been in my ‘writing’ folder for way too long. Considering the long wait, and also that the next chapter is on the shorter side (for my norm), I’m going to post both 7 and 8 this weekend, and you can (hopefully) count on an update next week. Also, there have been slight cosmetical adjustments to the previous chapters, but it’s all just about the style of posting. Thanks for reading and have a nice day x

#if this was a movie #effie trinket #haymitch abernathy #hayffie #my writing #Hayffie fanfiction #thg fanfiction

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tabloidtoc · 4 years ago

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National Enquirer, September 28

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Jeffrey Epstein’s madam Ghislaine Maxwell’s secret husband unmasked

Page 2: Royal renegades Prince Harry and wife Meghan Markle have turned their backs on the U.K. forever by paying back $3.1 million borrowed from British taxpayers to renovate Frogmore Cottage because Harry always felt the weight of the public loan and he’s paid it back in full as one of the last stages in divorcing himself from the royal family and the U.K. itself -- the California-based couple who recently bought a $15 million mansion in Montecito also claimed they will no longer take handout from Harry’s dad Prince Charles after signing a Netflix deal said to be worth as much as $150 million

Page 3: Slimmed-down Jessica Simpson has told chubby hubby Eric Johnson to shape up or ship out -- she’s been laser-focused on healthy dieting and exercise since giving birth to daughter Birdie Mae 18 months ago but her flabby ex-football star spouse has been piling on the pounds

Page 4: Angelina Jolie has shrunk to a skeletal 99 pounds after launching a hunger strike to force hated ex Brad Pitt to cave to her child custody demands but friends and medical experts fear the star may be killing herself in the process -- Angie’s surviving on handfuls of grains and nuts and avoiding full meals and she’s banking on Brad cratering when he sees her in such a sorry state and giving her anything she wants, sober and svelte Kelly Osbourne is on a mission to find a man

Page 5: Demi Moore is drooling over love rat Justin Hartley’s Instagram posts and she’s got it bad for the lothario -- she’s had it bad for him ever since they filmed a funny skit together on The Tonight Show last year -- Demi has not had a serious romance since her catastrophic breakup in 2013 with Ashton Kutcher but she’s coming out of her shell after swearing off dating and now she wants to have some fun and she’s zeroed in on Justin

Page 6: Katie Holmes has given up on Hollywood hunks and found romance with a Big Apple chef -- she was snapped getting hot and heavy with Emilio Vitolo Jr. and the single mom is hungry for love with a man more focused on her than stardom

Page 7: Sharon Osbourne chased Marie Osmond off The Talk -- Marie thought the show would be fun and just a bunch of girls gabbing about their lives and whatnot but she found out that was totally naive because Sharon disliked her from the start and Marie felt Sharon was jealous of her and thought she didn’t belong and there was a definite rift between them and an undercurrent of bitchiness that everyone noticed

Page 8: Big-ideas guy Chip Gaines is clashing with wife Joanna Gaines over money as he wants to expand their empire but she wants to slow things down, Hollywood Hookups -- Jay Cutler and Tomi Lahren dating, Kathie Lee Gifford’s son Cody Gifford wed Erika Brown, Lily Allen and David Harbour wed

Page 9: Scandal-scarred Kevin Spacey has been accused of trying to sexually assault two 14-year-old boys during the 1980s in an explosive new lawsuit filed in New York -- one accuser has not been named but the second accuser in the lawsuit is Star Trek: Discovery actor Anthony Rapp

Page 10: Hot Shots -- Brian Austin Green stocks up at a supermarket in L.A., Gerard Butler hopped about his motorcycle after having dinner in Malibu, Olivia Wilde at the beach in Malibu, Anne Heche stepped out in L.A.

Page 11: Martial-arts movie master Jackie Chan got his butt kicked by Chinese officials out into the streets of Beijing when they seized two side-by-side luxury apartments in Beijing where the Hong Kong-born karate king’s family lived and put them up for auction in an ownership dispute but Jackie is fighting back by filing a lawsuit to reclaim his property which he bought estimated to be worth $5 million at a massively discounted $2 million in 2007 after doing promotional work for the owners, Oscar-winning vegan Joaquin Phoenix hopes to whip up a career as TV’s next top chef -- he loves to experiment at the stove adding different spices to traditional dishes but those who have sampled his stuff have confessed he’s not that good -- despite his kitchen limitations he has no plans to ditch acting but he wants to go all in on trying to become a YouTube or Food Network personality

Page 12: Straight Shuter -- Alessandra Ambrosio played volleyball in Santa Monica (picture), new Dancing with the Stars host Tyra Banks has kicked former frontman Tom Bergeron from the ballroom blocking a final farewell appearance after 15 years on the show and now Tom’s responded by giving tyrant Tyra some lip by openly mocking her bizarre new promotional video where her kisser was enhanced to mimic the show’s mirror ball trophy, it’s bye-bye booze on The Real Housewives franchise because seeing older white privileged women getting drunk and fighting isn’t fun anymore and it’s put a lot of viewers off and Bravo execs believe it’s one reason the ratings have tanked so now there will be less booze available during tapings, Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani are clashing over politics among other things -- Gwen hosted an Obama fundraiser at her house in Beverly Hills while Blake is much more conservative and they’re struggling to find common ground and the weeks leading up to the election could rip these two apart

Page 13: Keeping Up with the Kardashians is ending its 14-year run because the famous family members can’t stand each other anymore

Page 14: Crime

Page 15: Broken-hearted Priscilla Presley is on the verge of an emotional breakdown and dealing with daughter Lisa Marie Presley’s past struggles with addiction and ongoing divorce with Michael Lockwood and the recent tragic suicide of her only grandson Benjamin Keough have taken a devastating toll on the 75-year-old along with the impact of the global pandemic and the country’s social unrest -- she locks herself in her room and cries uncontrollably for hours at a time and has had trouble keeping up with her daily routines -- she’s selling her Beverly Hills home and moving back to Graceland but the walls outside the estate are covered in graffiti with messages like Black Lives Matter and No Justice No Peace

Page 18: Their Marriage Failed So They Tried Again -- Pamela Anderson, Larry King, Jean-Claude Van Damme

Page 19: Melanie Griffith, Elliott Gould, Marie Osmond, Elon Musk

Page 20: Brainiac Ken Jennings the all-time winningest contestant on Jeopardy! is being groomed to replace the show’s ailing host Alex Trebek by the beloved TV legend himself

Page 22: Prized props pilfered from Hollywood sets are big business for underground dealers and can fetch up to six figures on the black market and even worse some memorabilia heists have disrupted the making of major blockbusters costing studios a pretty penny

Page 28: Cover Story -- Sex monster Jeffrey Epstein’s accused madam Ghislaine Maxwell will never be convicted due to a provision in the U.S. Constitution that forbids married couples from being forced to testify against their mates and now facing charges of sex trafficking underage girls for the pervert billionaire Maxwell has a get-out-of-jail-free card because she secretly married the pedophile before he was murdered in a federal prison last year

Page 34: Prankster Sacha Baron Cohen secretly shot a sequel to his 2006 blockbuster Borat and it’s already been screened by select industry bigwigs, Pioneer Woman Ree Drummond is blazing her daughter Alex’s path to the altar with fiance Mauricio Scott

Page 38: Health Watch

Page 42: Red Carpet -- Venice Film Festival -- Cate Blanchett -- hot, Tilda Swinton -- not, Arizona Muse -- hot, Maya Hawke -- hot, Elodie -- hot, Vanessa Kirby -- hot

Page 45: Spot the Differences -- Gerald McRaney and Aubrey Dollar and Kim Cattrall on the new drama Filthy Rich

Page 47: Odd List -- a gory piece of history has landed on the auction block -- a lock of Abraham Lincoln’s hair that was wrapped in an 1865 telegram stained with the dead president’s blood is expected to fetch up to $75,000

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goodvibesatpeace · 8 years ago

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Crystals...5 Reason You Have Got One

5 reason why you have a Crystal...

I never used to be interested in Crystals, I am not going to lie... I thought ‘Hm.. yeah its just a rock’. But what happened when I walked into a bookshop in Abakini and was greeted by this massive crystal... it humbled me, I felt the power of this Crystal and, ever since I have been in love... Thats why I wear wonderful Amethyst necklaces and Chakra bracelets with Quartz, Solidite, Obsidian and Jade.

Crystals have been on earth for millions of years... in fact the earths crust is made out of 75% silicon with oxygen... so crystals are part of the earth. In the scientific community they say its pseudoscience... Crystals can’ t heal the body and as a person, I am not into believing, I am into knowing from a personal experience. And definitely Crystals have helped empower my life, at the same time, its not whats in the Crystals, its what you bring to the Crystals... the energy you bring to it.

So lets get to it... 5 reasons why you might have a Crystal

They look amazing. All the different colours, shapes, sizes... who doesn’t want one? Put your hand up. When I walked into that bookshop, I was taken back just by seeing crystals such as Lapis Lazuli, Quartz. Just the colours alone can make you feel good. They look good thats why throughout the ancient world, in Ancient Egypt you saw on the scarab beetle they had the Lapis Lazuli and on Tutankhamun there was Lapis Luzuli also. The Romans used Amethyst which means ‘ not to be drunken’... because they used to drink a lot... so it was a way of staying sober. They make you feel good, thats what I have heard from a lot of people that wear Crystals... It that true for you? Let me know...

What they have done for Technology. Are you reading this on a computer or mobile? Oh, yes you are. Well, if it wasn’t for Silicone (Silicone Valley) there would be no computers or mobiles. Silicone is practically in every single computer and mobile around the world... Crystals are the foundation of all the Technology we use, they make up the foundation. Marcel Vogel... a research Scientist for IBM, he studied the Quartz Crystal and what he found is that the Quartz Crystal is a receiver and transmitter of energy... So just like the human body gives off energy, we can read waves, brainwaves... Crystals are also oscillating. Why is this important? Because it shows us they are alive... not in the sense that we are but in another kind of sense. Nikola Tesla... Google him... Thank me later. If you want to understand the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, vibration, frequency... the Quartz Crystal , which is made up of a Silicate type of Mineral, is found in Watches, Radio sets... it is what makes the watch so accurate. Crystals have the most orderly structure that exists anywhere on the face of the earth... why? Because they have the lowest amount of entropy which means the molecules aren’t all over the place... So thats probably why you bought that Crystal the other day. And, by the way, Amethyst is my favorite Crystal.

Crystals maybe helping you heal. Once again they call this a pseudoscience but I don’t because I realise that... they have done some studies saying that with Crystals, its only Placebo. But I guarantee that if enough research money went into the proper study of Crystals, they would find without doubt that they can be used to heal people energetically of all kinds of ailments. Because they have been used throughout the ancient world, for eons, to heal. But, once again, we have to start changing what we feel is alive and what we feel is dead... nothing is dead in this world, its all energy. Healing with a Crystal, what has helped me along my journey, is to realise that the colour of the Crystal you pick is very important. You are going to walk into a shop one day, you are going to see a Crystal that you really really like... ‘Oh, I want that one’... maybe its a Chrysocolla, I like that name.... maybe its a Quartz, maybe its a Turquoise, Pyrite... anyone you want... you are almost going to be drawn to it instantly, thats the Crystal you should buy.... like I was drawn to Amethyst instantly. This is coming from someone that didn’t even care about Crystals and for me its all about your personal experience... they maybe used as a Placebo effect but... check out the work by Doctor Joe Dispenza who talks about how we are the Placebo... everything is a Placebo. So when I was walking along Venice beach one day, I met a guy selling Crystals, I said ‘What do you think, you have been selling Crystals for so many years, can they heal people? And he said its the energy that you bring to the Crystals... that is what will heal you. And I have seen it along my journey... I love the Amethyst because this colour Purple represents the Third Eye and the Crown Chakra’s... it keeps me sober so I can stay away from drinking a lot... Thank you... I am trying to kiss it right now.

It represents something personal to you. Crystals can be used as an ally, a friend, a support.. you can put them under your bed, if they get dirty you can cleanse them under the Sun, wash them, take care of them, you can communicate with them, talk to them and they do wonders. I love staring at Crystals, for me this is a kind of therapy... I realise I am not alone and just realising, I am not better then you because I have a Crystal... once again its personal meaning, what does the Crystal mean to you... that is the only thing that matters and I respect that. I also respect if you don’t care about Crystals.. that is also cool but right now, I love Crystals... High Five.

You want to learn more about the universe. For me, Crystals are frozen energy that... whenever you come into contact with a Crystal your learning something new. They are teaching you more about the hidden secrets of the universe. There are so many different kinds of Crystals, its hard to keep count. Take the Lapis Lazuli for example... the colours almost resemble planet earth... blue and gold.... thank you.. thank you.. you just want to kiss it... it feels so good. Some people get polished Crystals, some people have then raw because they can get more energy from it that way. But, once again, I just love Crystals because they make me feel good... if you have serious health conditions, realise that the greatest Physician is yourself... Crystals alone can’t heal us because, once again, we must never externalize our power. There are many people in the medical profession, alternative... that can help us... we can also help ourselves but Crystals are amazing ways, they are amazing friends and they help us all create more beauty in our lives and feel better. I love you Crystal!.. True Story.

Have a Wonderful Day!

Much Love to all… There are many deep waters out there!!.. go in peace my friends :)

#crystals #spiritual #energy #gemstones #amethyst #lapis lazuli #quartz #greatest version #chakra #healing #crystal healing #silicone

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qualitytimemachinepatrol-blog · 5 years ago

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itsfinancethings · 5 years ago

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October 26, 2019 at 07:00AM

On September 30, 1970, a reporter asked Janis Joplin to explain her fearless sexuality. “It seems to bother a lot of women’s lib people that you’re kind of so upfront sexually,” Village Voice writer Howard Smith told her. Joplin, by then accustomed to such criticism, responded: “I’m representing everything they said they want.… It’s sort of like: you are what you settle for.… You’re only as much as you settle for. If you don’t settle for that and you keep fighting it, you know, you’ll end up anything you want to be… I’m just doing what I wanted to and what feels right and not settling for bullshit and it worked. How can they be mad at that?”

Janis made it sound as if fighting the urge to settle was the most natural thing to her. But deep down inside there had always been the yearning for doing exactly that: getting the house, the white picket fence and the husband. They had been the middle-class hopes of her mother, Dorothy, who herself had fought hard for a life of stability in 1950s Port Arthur, Texas. Janis, her mother’s daughter, was often tormented about leaving that white picket fence behind. “I keep pushing so hard the dream/I keep tryin’ to make it right/Through another lonely day,” she sang in “Kozmic Blues.”

She was born a misfit—a tomboy, a painter, a girl who didn’t accept arbitrary boundaries, a girl with a big voice—but she never stopped wanting to belong. That’s why, years later at the age of 25, it had been so daring of her to leave behind the band that had launched her, Big Brother and the Holding Company. She had joined the group in San Francisco in June 1966 and two months later they were bunking communally in Marin County. Despite technical shortcomings as musicians, they were a dynamic live band with a solid following, and they correctly saw in Janis the element that would elevate them to status similar to their Haight-Ashbury scene-mates Jefferson Airplane and the Grateful Dead. Sure enough, Big Brother and the Holding Company broke big in June 1967 at the Monterey Pop Festival, signing with Dylan’s manager Albert Grossman, who secured a lucrative deal for them with Columbia Records.

But Joplin was beginning to feel again that part of her that would not settle. Her ambition ratcheted up. She looked more to her heroes Nina Simone and Etta James. Rather than shriek over Big Brother’s blaring psychedelic “freak rock,” Joplin longed to work her voice with more nuance, and explore soul and other musical genres; she envisioned keyboards, a horn section, more sophisticated tunes. In remarkable letters she wrote her parents, she explained, “I have to find the best musicians in the world & get together & work. There’ll be a whole lot of pressure because of the ‘vibes’ created by my leaving Big Brother & also by just how big I am now. So we’ve got to be just super when we start playing—but we will be.” To New York Times reporter Michael Lydon, she admitted: “I’m scared. I think, ‘It’s so close. Can I make it?’ If I fail, I’ll fail in front of the whole world. If I miss, I’ll never have a second chance on nothing. But I gotta risk it. I never hold back…” Anyone who really knew her would not have been surprised by her leap of faith. As a roughhousing tomboy in Port Arthur, she’d exhibited a fierce will not unlike that of her father, Seth, who led a double life as a Texaco engineer by day, and a cerebral bookworm and atheist by night. He and Dorothy adored their daughter, but their showdowns were legend—Janis refusing to do what she was told, damn the consequences. With adolescence came compulsive risk-taking; she was the female “mascot” among a group of outlier intellectual boys, a role that helped set a bold Joplin in motion.

Unlike her father, Joplin would not hide her defiance. She vocally opposed segregation in her high school, which made her a target of bullies and racists. She sought out the hard-to-find music of Lead Belly and Bessie Smith, sneaking out to juke joints with boys, and was accused of sleeping with her male companions. At 17, after a midnight ramble in New Orleans, she crashed her father’s car. She would soothe the shame with alcohol, the first drug on which she became dependent. And then she’d do it all again.

Joplin found temporary solace in traveling, which she’d been introduced to by Kerouac’s On the Road, a game-changer for her. Her first taste of freedom came at 19, when she briefly lived like a beatnik in Venice Beach, California, then hitchhiked alone to San Francisco, before hightailing it back to Texas. She soon cultivated an ardent following of fellow college students in Austin, who clamored to hear her sing blues, country, and folk with her first group, the Waller Creek Boys.

Forever restless, Joplin hitchhiked for the second time to San Francisco the day after her 20th birthday in 1963. Already writing songs and accompanying herself on an autoharp, she floored audiences in the Bay Area, gaining confidence and vocal skill, gig by gig. But after spending the summer of ’64 in New York’s Lower East Side, where she learned to play 12-string guitar, Joplin became addicted to methamphetamines. She returned to Port Arthur yet again, sobered up at the Joplin homestead, and attempted to renounce her life as an artist. But she could not resist opportunities to perform in Houston and Austin clubs, where her voice manifested ever more powerfully, an uncorked siren calling her away from the life of dutiful commuter student and sociology major at Beaumont’s Lamar Tech. At age 23, after sharing a bill in Austin with the 13th Floor Elevators, she split town for Haight-Ashbury yet again. When she wrote her parents to give them her whereabouts, she promised to stay clean.

In just over a year, she achieved much of what she thought she wanted, but chafed at the constraints of Big Brother. As she turned to heroin to soften anxiety and fears of rejection, her urge to rebel—even within the parameters of the counterculture—could not be reined in. “I’ve been doing it for 26 years,” she told the New York Times in 1969, conflating her age and her lifelong iconoclasm, “and all the people who were trying to compromise me are now coming to me, man. You better not compromise yourself, it’s all you got.… I’m a goddamn living example of that…. People aren’t supposed to be like me, sing like me, make out like me, drink like me, live like me, but now they’re paying me $50,000 a year for me to be like me. That’s what I hope I mean to those kids out there… that they can be themselves and win. You just have to start thinking that way, being that righteous with yourself, and you’ve won already.”

Joplin’s great champion Ellen Willis, a rare female rock critic of the era, worried for post-Big Brother Janis in the pages of The New Yorker. “Did Big Brother perhaps give her more than we realized?” she wrote. As often happens with performers, Joplin had to learn in public, so the initial answer to this question was a resounding maybe. Only three months after assembling her back-up players, Joplin was still finding her way, which showed in her two-night stand at New York’s Fillmore East. Joplin didn’t fall back on her usual over-the-top performance techniques, but modulated herself, doing the “kind of things that milk you rather than hammer you,” she said. Willis was one of the few critics who seemed to get it.

Rolling Stone’s Paul Nelson resolutely panned the shows, describing Joplin as “The Judy Garland of Rock” who “strangled the songs to death.” Six weeks later, when she performed back in San Francisco at Bill Graham’s Winterland, her “people” did not call for an encore—a first on her own turf. Afterwards in the dressing room, journalist John Bowers noted, “She is pale, as if in shock, saying, ‘San Francisco’s changed, man. Where are my people? They used to be so wild. I know I sang well! I know I did!’” One of her earliest fans, esteemed jazz critic Ralph J. Gleason, advised her in his San Francisco Chronicle column to “scrap this band and go right back to being a member of Big Brother if they’ll have her.”

Hurt but undaunted, Joplin continued to pursue her musical vision. She recorded her debut solo album, I Got Dem Ol’ Kozmic Blues Again Mama!, its title alluding to a persistent existential dread her father had called “the Saturday night swindle.” She’d written new songs including “One Good Man,” a Bessie Smith blues update. Other material ranged from her adaptation of the Chantels’ “Maybe,” a favorite from her teen years, and Rodgers and Hart’s “Little Girl Blue,” inspired by the 1959 Nina Simone recording of the song. (Simone would later applaud Joplin’s version.)

The album debuted on Billboard on October 11, 1969, remained there for 28 weeks and gradually moved up to #5. Joplin’s aching original “Kozmic Blues” just missed the Top 40, hitting #41. Reviews were lukewarm, with Joplin, again, being taken to task—by male critics—for being “bent on becoming Aretha Franklin” and dumping Big Brother. An exception was an insightful Village Voice piece by Johanna Schier (later Johanna Hall, coauthor of the Pearl track, “Half Moon”), who wrote that Joplin “was singing stronger and better… The top of her range is more solid and her vocal control is maturing… She breaks through into greatness by anyone’s standards.” Backed by her Kozmic Blues Band, she would play the biggest venues of her career to date, including a sold-out concert on December 19 at Madison Square Garden.

Bettmann ArchiveJanis Joplin and her final group, the Full Tilt Boogie Band, perform at the Festival for Peace at Shea Stadium in August 1970.

The first year of her brief solo flight, Joplin headlined Woodstock, performing an hour-long set in the middle of the night, singing until her voice gave out. She made her debut on The Ed Sullivan Show and The Dick Cavett Show, appeared on the cover of Newsweek (the cover line: “The Rebirth of the Blues”), and toured Europe for the first time, a series of concerts garnering rapturous responses. At London’s Royal Albert Hall, she’d even managed to roust a sold-out, normally staid audience from their seats.

Joplin remained peripatetic, musically speaking, and driven. She’d learned to play and sing Kris Kristofferson’s “Me and Bobby McGee,” and the song opened new doors. Joplin sought a smaller, rootsier-sounding unit to bring it, and other material, to life. She would christen this group Full Tilt Boogie. With them, she would mature as a bandleader and co-producer of her recorded output, all gloriously evident on her final album, Pearl, and in footage of Joplin and Full Tilt Boogie’s live performances. Following her death during the Pearl sessions, on October 4, 1970, “Me and Bobby McGee” topped the charts for two weeks, and Pearl became the most commercially successful album of her career. Despite her kozmic blues and the critics’ initial discouragement, Joplin, of course, had refused to settle for anything less than traveling the road her music took her.

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addictionfreedom · 6 years ago

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