#Varaen has Issues

[varaenthefallen]

I think I just screwed myself over.

I just watched the first episode of sense8 without checking the episode length, and now it ended on a fucking cliffhanger… And it’s already past my bedtime, and I really really need to to go bed if I don’t want to mess up my circadian rhythm. I’m supposed to be wiser than doing that again, a messed up sleeping schedule is bad for me, and incredibly hard to put right again.

On the other hand, I’m in the mood for some binge-watching now. 😭

In other words: Whining over, going to bed now, gn8. *waves*

[varaenthefallen]

It’s not easy to try for a gender-ambiguous appearance as a short-ish curvy person with a preference for make-up, nail polish, dresses and skirts…

[varaenthefallen]

The more I think about it, the less I know what to think about my reawakening interest in clothing and cosmetics. For so long, I have been entirely content to just roll out of bed when I need to (or, at the worst times, when I could no longer bear to stay in bed, or not at all for an entire day) and just throw on something to prevent myself from freezing. My modest make-up collection spent a good few years collecting dust. I even had to throw away a few things like eyeliner (I think had three different ones), mascara and a good third of my nail polish collection (about ten or so, I cried) recently, because they were dried up or too thick to be useable. Still sorting through the nail polish, to be honest…

And on one hand, it is fun to use myself as a canvas once more. I like the contrast between the colourful or dark nail polish I use and my skin. I love the way my hands look with painted nails. I like my face better when I’m wearing eyeshadow, and eyeliner, and all that stuff. It also prevents my eyes from “disappearing” behind my glasses. I love wearing beautiful clothes. I usually have great fun picking out clothes to wear, matching the occasion & my mood at the same time.

I think I like having the time and mindset to think about such “superficial” stuff again. Still, I can’t help but worrying that this is not a sign of me getting better, but rather a sign of me retreating further behind another mask. A pretty tangible and obvious one, but a mask nonetheless. But then, I have been calling the process of crawling out of bed and getting ready for the day “putting on my human mask” for a while now, so there’s that. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It sounds funnier in German though.

Skipping to something only tangentially related, I found out today that there are companies selling eyeshadow for almost 20€. (I am sure there are even more expensive alternatives. Mind-boggling.) I always knew I was a cheapskate with my eyeshadows averaging at 2€ a piece, but ten times as much is ridiculous. There’s vegan, cruelty-free cosmetics available for less than half that. Well, actually, there’s vegan, cruelty-free cosmetics available for less than a quarter of that. What does that 20€ eyeshadow do? Give me superpowers, pay my taxes, bring about world peace? It’s insane.

My wallet weeps, anyway.

Addendum: I also don’t know how to feel about the fact that all of those things are considered womanly or feminine or however it is being called these days, and I am really really unsure if I am in any way fine with that… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Also, I should really go to sleep because all of this sounded way more coherent in my head.

[varaenthefallen]

Ok, my Tolkien Secret Santa fic has surpassed 1k, now could someone please write my application for me?

[varaenthefallen]

I have three things™ of varying urgency and importance to write, but instead of writing on any of those, I’m sitting here agonizing about the fact that I should be writing.

I’d really like to switch this stupid part of my brain off ffs.

[varaenthefallen]

The greatest problem about unwritten (and unspoken) rules is in the very word that defines them. We live in a society where it is just assumed that everyone operates on the same set of unspoken rules, and although I am painfully aware that this assumption is wrong, it is nonetheless jarring every time when I am reminded of that fact.

Also, we lack the vocabulary to actually talk about many of those things that are just assumed and not spoken about, in addition to it being considered rude to even try. And that’s just stupid.

[varaenthefallen]

This was just too funny not to share, so here I am, sharing. ^^

My mother told an anecdote she heard on the radio about a woman who broke up with her partner of four years because he can’t take a hint and gave her a shitty christmas present instead of the things she had hinted about. And my mother thought it sad that there are jokes about people breaking up because of trivial stuff like that.

Well, people not taking hints might be trivial, but it definitely makes for a funny story… afterwards. I ended a relationship of over five years recently. For other reasons, but that’s not important here. What is important is that I never once got flowers. I was like: “I really like flowers.” … “Carnations are such pretty flowers.” … “You could really gift me flowers, you know?” … I even bought vases! That’s not even hinting anymore, that’s dropping the anvil along with the entire smithy! But still, I never got flowers.

And somehow, the story was way funnier in German & before I typed it, but I don’t want to not post it now. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[varaenthefallen]

It’s kinda nice that my sense of self-preservation has once again risen above “would be a shame to ruin someone’s day because I can’t even keep my stupid self alive” to “would be a shame to die now because being not-alive sucks”… But I’d rather not find out by almost getting myself run over by a bus because of my own stupidity ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

[varaenthefallen]

Semi-hiatus, or something like that

Headspace has been really bad those last few days, and I’m not up to anything beyond the bare essentials and some superficial interaction aka likes & kudos thrown in. It took me three days to cobble together this post, I think that says everything. I doubt this will change in the near future.

I already unfollowed a good third of my total followed blogs a few weeks ago, when I realized that I spent too much energy and time on tumblr, but I will probably weed out some high-activity blogs to slim down my dash even more.

All fanfic is on indefinite hiatus. I’ll focus everything that I can spare for writing on my Innumerable Stars fill, which already surpasses the minimum word count, but… well, it’s a gift, it’s supposed to be better than the bare minimum.

Queue is filled with pretties until the end of the month. I may even get to refill it a bit, but most of the time, even the decision if I want to reblog something is just too much, let alone tagging it somehow close to properly.

I’ll see you on the other side.

Light’s blessing to you.

[varaenthefallen]

I spent so much time surviving that I forgot how to live.

I spent so much time thinking that life wasn’t worth living if I couldn’t make it on my own that I forgot how to ask for help.

I spent so much time waiting for things to get better on their own, but they just got worse and worse.

[varaenthefallen]

Buuuuuhuuuuu.

I wanted to sign up for the Crossovering, especially since I’m a sucker for good crossovers and (almost) every fandom could use some more.

Sadly, the way I consume media in general, and especially fanfiction, is not compatible with the sign-up process for that exchange.

There is no way to put “combine elves from Tolkien’s legendarium with any of [insert fandoms here]” in the sign up form. Alternatively I’d take a few other combinations that I’m not as hyped about right now, but would appreciate nonetheless. But the exchange doesn’t work that way and I’m kinda salty about that because I was low-key looking forward to it and now I can’t. q.q

Don’t try to help me, I already spent the day trying to rearrange my interests in a way that can be expressed through the sign-up form, it doesn’t work. This is just me, venting.

[varaenthefallen]

Writing dilemma: My writing would definitely benefit from my having a beta, but I really don’t want to inflict my erratic WIP-jumping on anyone else.

The bouncing-ideas-back-and-forth would be nice though.

Also, why is there no appropriate English translation for *schmacht*? -.-’

[varaenthefallen]

I hate words like homophobia, transphobia, fatphobia and all those others that follow the same concept.

Those people are not afraid. They are being assholes.

[varaenthefallen]

Petition for figures of speech to be universally intelligible.

[varaenthefallen]

How come that every time I play any online game with matchmaking that I feel like the only sane person in the team?

I mean, it shouldn’t be that hard to follow up on my engage, they manage well enough as soon as I’m dead. -.-’

But my teammates probably feel the same about me. *g*