#ValSkug Merge AU

[detective-inspector-her]

ValSkug Merge Incorrect Quotes Part 2

Ghastly : Valkyrie, what did you just do!?

Valkyrie : I took your advice. I stopped running from the problem and I tackled it head on.

Ghastly : I meant try emotional honesty, not murder!!

Skulduggery's house is on fire, but they don't know it

Ghastly : Damn, it's hot in here.

Valkyrie: I know, it's so hot there's smoke coming out of the vent!

Ghastly :

Ghastly : First of all, I'm assuming you have no idea what the problem with that statement is.

Valkyrie: What?

Ghastly : Second of all, we need to get the fuck out of here, NOW.

Ghastly : Yes, I'm adopting Valkyrie and you cowards can't tell me no!

Ghastly : Valkyrie, we tried things your way.

Valkyrie: No, we didn't.

Ghastly : I did it in my head and it didn't work.

Valkyrie: Standing next to sunflowers always makes me feel weak like ‘look at this fucking flower. This flower is taller than I am. This flower is winning and I’m losing.’

Solomon: Wow, you are not ready to hear about trees.

Valkyrie: Eat shit and die, Solomon!!!

Solomon: Eat shit and live, Valkyrie.

Valkyrie: I made lightly fried fish fillets for dinner.

Solomon: Valkyrie, It’s 1:15 am, what the fuck.

Valkyrie: Do you want the lightly fried fish fillets or not.

Solomon: Well, I mean yeah.

Valkyrie: So come downstairs while they’re still hot.

Solomon: Wait, you just made them?

Valkyrie: Yeah, I wasn’t tired so I decided to make lightly fried fish fillets.

Solomon: Say lightly fried fish fillets one more time Valkyrie.

Valkyrie: Isn't it amazing how I can feel so bad and still look so good?

Skulduggery: It's certainly a miracle.

China, about to leave the house: Don’t spend all day watching YouTube, okay?

Valkyrie: I FORGE MY OWN PATH!!

Valkyrie: No, I don't want to talk about physics! I don't know anything about the laws of physics because they are hard and boring. I simply would like them to behave in a way that is most convenient to ME and MY LIFE! Is that really asking too much?

China: Yes, as a matter of fact, it is!

Valkyrie: Well, guess what? Science is stupid bullshit!!

China: You take that back!!!

Valkyrie: No. Magic is awesome. Science blows. The end.

China: You need to stop swearing so much.

Valkyrie: Shut the fuck up.

China: Yeah, that's not how you do it.

Valkyrie: Alright sorry. It's just that it's hard not to swear. The words just creep up on me when I least expect it.

China: Now now, don't be like that. Just replace the swear words with 'beep' and you'll be fine.

Valkyrie: Shit the beep up.

China:

Valkyrie: SHUT, DAMMIT! I MEANT SHUT!

Valkyrie: Hello China, made anyone cry today?

China: Sadly, no. But it’s only 4:30.

China: You don’t deserve me.

Valkyrie: At your worst or your best?

China: I don’t have a worst.

Valkyrie: Because you’re already at your worst?

Fletcher: So… what would you do if you were in bed with me?

Valkyrie: Depends. Is your bed comfortable?

Fletcher: Yes.

Valkyrie: I'd sleep.

Valkyrie: Remember, Fletcher, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Fletcher: I think I crossed that line when I got a date.

Valkyrie: Hey, about that love letter you sent me-

Fletcher: blushes What are your thoughts?

Valkyrie: The fourth sentence-

Fletcher: Yeah, that’s where I got really emotional and I-

Valkyrie: It’s “you’re” not “your”.

Valkyrie: Did you know you remind me of all 26 letters of the alphabet?

Fletcher: What? Like J F K W S Q X-

Valkyrie: No, like, U R A Q T.

Fletcher: Awwww!

Valkyrie: I fell—

Fletcher: From heaven?

Valkyrie: No, I literally fell—

Fletcher: In love with me the moment you saw me?

Valkyrie: MY ARM IS BROKEN!

Fletcher: Okay, but do you think I'm pretty? Be honest.

Valkyrie: I love you.

Fletcher, not paying attention: What was that?

Valkyrie: I said I’m selling you to the zOo-

Valkyrie: If I didn't know better, Fletcher, I'd say you were scared.

Fletcher: Heh, scared?

absolute silence

Fletcher: DID YOU HEAR THAT?!

Valkyrie: Ok so, apparently the "bad vibes" I've been feeling are actually severe psychological distress.

Fletcher: When's the last time you slept?

Valkyrie: Uh… a few days ago, I think.

Fletcher: A few- how many?!

Valkyrie: Uh… starts counting on fingers I need more fingers…

Fletcher: What you need is sleep!

Skulduggery: Valkyrie, I don’t think I can handle any more of your tomfuckery.

Valkyrie: Oh yeah? Well I can keep going until you’re all tomfuckered out!

Skulduggery: Your future self is talking shit about you right now.

Valkyrie: Jokes on them. I'll ruin their fucking life.

Skulduggery: Come on, Valkyrie! How any times do I have to apologize?

Valkyrie: Once!

Skulduggery: …No.

Skulduggery: May luck (and this picture of Valkyrie eating shredded cheese at 3 in the morning) be with you.

Valkyrie: I want to grow up and be like Skulduggery!

Skulduggery: That is called Acquiring Depression.

Valkyrie: I'm going to get myself some soup.

Skulduggery: Be careful not to burn yourself, it's hot.

Valkyrie: Pfft, I won't burn myself.

30 seconds later

Valkyrie, entering the room: I burned myself.

Valkyrie: Do you want to play 20 Questions?

Skulduggery: Sure!

Skulduggery: Whats your favorite color?

Valkyrie, laser fucking focused: Triangle. Do you like men?

Darquesse, bursting into the room: You two are having sex!

Nefarian, not looking up from their book: Really? Skulduggery, why didn’t you tell me? I would have put my book down.

Skulduggery: is wearing silk pants How does this look?

Nefarian: Like its slips on and off really easily.

Skulduggery:

Nefarian: No, I didn't mean it like that-

Valkyrie: We know what you meant.

Darquesse: How do you tell someone that you wanna have sex with them in a polite way?

Skulduggery: Excuse me Mx. Would you give me the honours of indulging in sexual activities with you?

Valkyrie: What the fuck is wrong with you two?

Valkyrie: Who would you swipe right for? Nefarian or Skulduggery?

Darquesse: I would delete the app.

Valkyrie: Hey, Skulduggery, remember how I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my ADHD meds?

Skulduggery: Yes?

Valkyrie: Well, it turns out they're all out for the next five days.

Skulduggery: Fuck.

Valkyrie: It's gonna be a fun week!

Skulduggery: I'm going to ask Darquesse to destroy my soul.

Valkyrie: Nuh-uh. Through sickness and health, motherfucker.

Valkyrie: I truly go into housewife mode when I'm someone's soulmate- like, I'll make you pancakes and bacon every morning.

Fletcher: This is a lie.

Fletcher: I'm literally dating them. This is a lie.

Fletcher: THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK A PANCAKE, WHAT IS THIS.

Nefarian: Look, I know you think my judgement's clouded because I like #### a little bit.

Valkyrie, holding Nefarian's notepad: You doodled your wedding invitation.

Nefarian: No, that's our joint tombstone.

Valkyrie: My mistake.

Valkyrie: If I see a bug, I simply leave the room elegantly and require someone else do something about it.

Valkyrie: If no one fulfills my wish, I simply never go back in there.

Nefarian: I only have 6 weeks left to live.

Darquesse: Oh my god, really?!

Nefarian: It's just a guesstimate based on the choices I've made.

Valkyrie: Hi, I'm Nefarian's emergency contact.

Counter Woman: You're here to pick him up?

Valkyrie: I'm here to remove myself as his emergency contact.

Skulduggery: Do you ever get pre-annoyed? Like you already know someone is going to piss you off?

Darquesse: What? No, I—

Nefarian: enters room

Skulduggery: jaw clenches

Skulduggery: Hey, quick question. How petty am I allowed to be?

[detective-inspector-her]

Incorrect Quotes Based Of This Au Because I'm Finally Writing About It -_-

Darquesse: I am strong! I beat Skulduggery at arm wrestling! Valkyrie: Anyone can beat Skulduggery at arm wrestling! Skulduggery: Hey-

Skulduggery: Met a dumbass today. Awful. Darquesse: You looked in a mirror? Skulduggery: Someday you will have to answer for your actions and god may not be so merciful.

Skulduggery: Why don’t you go talk to them? Valkyrie, sarcastically: Oh. Yeah, sure. Skulduggery: What? So you go tell them they’re cute, what’s the worst that could happen? Valkyrie: They could hear me.

Valkyrie: Can we talk? One 10 to another? Darquesse: I’m an 11, but continue.

Darquesse: What is your favourite mythical story? Skulduggery: The Story Of My Will To Live. Darquesse: I don’t think I’ve heard of that one before.

Skulduggery: Valkyrie, you’re in charge! Darquesse: Valkyrie, can we start a fire?

Darquesse: All of your existences are confusing. Valkyrie and Skulduggery: How so? Darquesse: Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to any of you upsets me.

Darquesse: Well, you know what they say: Can’t bake a pie without losing a dozen men!

Valkyrie: Darquesse, this morning, I called you abhorrent and reprehensible, and I’d like to withdraw that statement- Darquesse: Aww, thanks- Valkyrie: But I can't. Those are the 2 words that best describe you.

Skulduggery: Nothing feels better than winning Monopoly. Not love, not sex, not free pizza, nothing! Valkyrie: I’m sorry, have you tried pizza? Skulduggery (Has Valkyrie's Tastebuds): Yes, and it doesn’t compare to owning half the board and watching the light die from your friend’s eyes as you take their money and feel your friendship slowly deteriorate. Darquesse: I like you.

Darquesse: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake. Valkyrie: Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear. Darquesse: … Darquesse: You mean ring bearER, right? Valkyrie: … Darquesse: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to Tanith and Ghastly's wedding.

Valkyrie: God has let me live another day and I'm going to make it everyone's problem.

Skulduggery: Darquesse is a perfect cinnamon scone who’s never done anything wrong in her entire life! Valkyrie: Never done anything wrong?! She set a city block on FIRE!

Valkyrie: Go big or go home! Skulduggery: Please, for once in your life just go home. I'm begging you. Go. Home. Valkyrie: I'm going big!

Skulduggery: I’m not mad, I just need to know why you two had a fake ID. Valkyrie: Incoherent mumbling Skulduggery: Huh? Darquesse: …You need to be 18 to hold the puppies at PetCo.

Darquesse: Have you done this before? Valkyrie: Well, Darquesse, it's like if you read the script you come better prepared. Skulduggery: That's not what they do in the US, they don't read things. Darquesse: I don't read, Valkyrie. Valkyrie: You're Irish!?

Skulduggery: I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Valkyrie: You know what I asked Santa for Christmas this year? Skulduggery: If you say me, I swear I’ll— Valkyrie: You? What? No, I asked him for that cool Ninjago Lego set we saw in Target!

Valkyrie: English is CRAZY. Oregano is both a spaghetti leaf topping and a form of paper art! Skulduggery: What is this "paper art" you speak of? Valkyrie: That shit where you make cranes and stuff out of folded paper! Skulduggery: … Valkyrie.

Valkyrie: Nice rock. Skulduggery: Thanks, Darquesse gave it to me. Darquesse: I threw it at you! Skulduggery: Isn't she the sweetest?

Darquesse: I dropped Valkyrie. Skulduggery: Darquesse, what the fuck.

Skulduggery: If you want my advice- Valkyrie: No offense but you’re the last person I want relationship advice from. You tried to kill your significant other. Multiple times. Skulduggery: First off, that was before we started dating. Secondly, they’ve also tried to kill me. Darquesse: It’s true. It was mutually attempted murder.

Darquesse: Why won’t you all just lie down and die with dignity?! Skulduggery: We don’t do anything with dignity!

Darquesse, texting: O Valkyrie: What? Darquesse: Don’t read into that. Valkyrie: But I will read into that. Darquesse: HOW?! IT’S A LETTER! Valkyrie: Why is there a space after it, hmmmmm? Darquesse: Dude, really? Darquesse: It’s a fucking letter. Valkyrie: It could stand for something! Darquesse: IT DOESN’T, I PROMISE! Valkyrie: Like Oppression! Or worse… Darquesse: Dude, I just typed the letter O, that means nothing. :/ Valkyrie: Optometrist. Darquesse: Oh my God…

Skulduggery: Valkyrie, can you help me? All of my clothes keep disappearing for some reason. Valkyrie, wearing a suit jacket that's 2 times bigger than her size: Spooky.

Skulduggery: Would it be discrimination to only hire employees at my doughnut shop who have the same name? Darquesse: Legally, I don't believe that breaches any discrimination laws. Morally though… I don't know. Skulduggery: I believe god is on my side when it comes to Duncans' Doughnuts.

Skulduggery: Valkyrie, Darquesse, I’ve left a letter telling your guardians not to worry— Valkyrie: They won’t. Skulduggery: That you’re safe— Valkyrie: That’ll just depress them. Skulduggery: —and you’ll see them in a few weeks. Darquesse: Do we have to?

Skulduggery: What language do they speak at the center of the earth? Skulduggery: Core-ean Valkyrie: The center of the earth is arond 5430 degrees Celsius! Nobody is going to live there so they don’t need a language! Darquesse: Core-ean.

Valkyrie: The ritual. To perform it requires a sacrifice. Skulduggery: Sacrifice? I nominate Darquesse. Darquesse: Wait, what? Skulduggery: Because you're little, you'll fit on a barbecue. Darquesse: I'm 5'9, it's like average height in most of the world! Valkyrie: It's not that kind of sacrifice guys!

Skulduggery: Please, Darquesse, after everything we’ve been through together. You can’t do this. Skulduggery: I’m sorry Darquesse. Skulduggery: I’m begging you. Don’t do it. Darquesse: It has to be done. Skulduggery: Darquesse: Skulduggery: Darquesse: Places +4 Uno.

Skulduggery: I’m not being weird. Am I being weird? Darquesse: Yes, and that’s coming from me.

Valkyrie, to Darquesse: Are you peanuts? Because I want to boil you alive.

Valkyrie: You don't know anything about me! Skulduggery: I know EVERYTHING about you! You are an open book written for very dumb children!

Darquesse: I’m not so sure you’re stakeout material. Valkyrie: I’m a chronic insomniac, I was born for this.

Darquesse: I'm not mean. Name one mean thing I’ve ever done. Valkyrie: When we were younger, you convinced me eggs weren't real. Darquesse: They're not. Valkyrie: Haha, very funny. Darquesse: I'm serious. Didn't you hear? Valkyrie: No… what happened? Darquesse: …Why would you fall for this again-

Darquesse: I woke up and chose VIOLENCE. I WILL COMMIT ARSON AND BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND!!! I AM ANGRY- Skulduggery: Awwww, you’re so adorable! Give me a hug~ Darquesse: Wh-What? nO, yOURE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF ME! TREMBLE BEFORE MY WRATH- Valkyrie, recording: This is so cute.

Kidnapper: We have your child Ghastly: I don’t have a child? Kidnapper: Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crusts off their sandwich? Ghastly: Oh god, you have Valkyrie

Skulduggery: Valkyrie, why does your bucket list have ‘Die’ on it? Valkyrie: So I can die feeling at least a little bit accomplished.

Skulduggery: Valkyrie, I am nothing if not a man of principle. Skulduggery: Now let’s break into this apartment.

Valkyrie dies in a game with ships Skulduggery: This ship is no longer a ship of love, it's a ship of vengeance, a gavel of justice against all that is wrong in the world, showing no mercy, as no mercy was shown to us. Skulduggery: The spark of love will now fuel the fires of destructive glory as I wage my war across the world with righteous fury. Darquesse: Legend has it that Valkyrie still haunts the ship, stealing my fucking drinks. Valkyrie: Of course I do.

Valkyrie, throwing her head into Tanith's lap: Tell me I'm pretty! Tanith, lovingly stroking her hair: You're pretty fucking annoying, that's what you are.

Darquesse: You look mentally ill. Valkyrie: I am. Let’s go.

The Squad is eating dinner mentally, in Valkyrie's head. Darquesse: Can you pass the salt? Skulduggery: throws Valkyrie across the table

Skulduggery: So what’s the plan? Darquesse: I don’t know. You’re smart, points at Valkyrie she's mean, come up with something.

Skulduggery: Go ahead, Valkyrie. Let it out, cry. If you don't, your tear ducts will get blocked up, and then when you get old, you won't be able to cry. Darquesse: Just when we thought it was safe to let you back into the conversation.

Darquesse: I see the red flags, I acknowledge that they're there, and then I completely ignore them.

Darquesse: What do I get? Skulduggery: A night of fashion, mischief, mayhem, and possible death. Darquesse: Ooh, check, check, and check; not sure about that last one. Skulduggery: It won't be you. Darquesse: I'll get my coat.

Darquesse: Skulduggery, can I speak to you for a minute? In private. Skulduggery: Ooh, someone's in trouble. It's me. I don't know why I did that.

Valkyrie: I hate Darquesse. Skulduggery: "Hate' is a strong word. Valkyrie: I have strong opinions.

Valkyrie: Do you even, cuddle, bro? Do you even lift, bro… each other up with kindness? Do you tell your loved ones that you care about them regardless of who is listening? DO YOU EVER RESOLVE CONFLICTS, EMOTIONAL ISSUES THROUGH COMPROMISE AND COMPASSION RATHER THAN ANGER AND DENIAL?!

Valkyrie: Can we go to a haunted house? Skulduggery: What’s wrong with the one we live in? Valkyrie: Wh-what? Skulduggery: Goodnight, Valkyrie.

Skulduggery: Children are the most insanely stupid people I have the displeasure of interacting with. Darquesse, referring to herself and Valkyrie: Even us? Skulduggery: Especially you guys. Valkyrie: Darquesse: Valkyrie: Petition to kick Skulduggery out so he stop insulting us. Darquesse: Seconded.

Skulduggery: My level of gay has reached “sighing deeply whenever anything extremely heterosexual happens near me”.

Skulduggery: If a demon possessed me, I’d just be like, “Okay, take it from here, good luck man.”

Skulduggery: Define “dream”. Darquesse: Dream - the first thing people abandon when they learn how the world works. Valkyrie: That’s too dark!

Skulduggery: Is anyone going to tell me what's going on in here?! Darquesse: It's kind of complicated, but Valkyrie- Skulduggery: Got it. Forget I asked.

Valkyrie: Gives a bouquet to Darquesse Darquesse: You know I'm allergic. Valkyrie: That's the point.

[detective-inspector-her]

I wanna focus on a plan for a new fic plan, but I'm torn between a few.

[detective-inspector-her]

Left to right.

Tanith Route AU

Left Behind AU

Gordon Killed Earlier AU

ValSkug Merge AU

Kidnapped AU

Raising Cain AU

Fae AU

Timetravel AU

This still isn't all of them, I just ran out of space.