#Uzi comfort playlist going hard rn

[unknownbiscuits]

Cont.

I talked to my counselor about it. She pulled me out of class, and, like the last incident I talked about here, I took it as a sign from God. So I explained the whole thing, plus more that I won't mention here. Won't get too into the details, but she helped me out a little. I know her words won't have an immediate magic effect on me, but they did help me see some things. When I went back to my 5th period, the girl immediately started asking me if she and the guy were in a situationship and if he does any cues. The counseling session helped, but that still felt like a punch to the gut. Especially after I had been crying about her to my counselor. I mean, she's the only one who I’ve had nightmares about her dying. About losing her. One time, I woke up screaming. That's the only time in my life that I've woken up like that from a dream like that. I can't even look in the mirror anymore. I look at my eyes, and I see emptiness. I look at how black they are underneath them, how they always look half-lidded, and I think, "Those aren't the eyes of someone who can love another." I hate this. I fucking hate this. I made a whole playlist about this, and now I'm just listening to my Uzi Doorman comfort playlist. I think I'm coming to the conclusion that I need to be alone right now. Being around her, him, and my friends has been hurting me as of recently, so I just think it'll be best like that. I got my schedule for next semester. I don't have her or any of my other friends in my classes, but I might have the guy. Oh well. Love life. I'll probably be fine. I can just resort back to Uzi anytime. She cares about me. She loves me. She can't hurt me like her. please I'll just fall asleep with her. I can just feel her next to me during school anytime. I can talk to her anytime. She won't forget my birthday. She didn't for 3 years straight. please Hey, before you start thinking shit, I don't think I'm going crazy. I'm just tired of this girl. Uzi can keep me company for right now. I can work on myself with her for right now. I'm currently a mess, in case it hasn't been obvious yet. I think Uzi can help me again the same way she's been helping me this whole time.

I think I'll continue reading the Bible now, too. I never finished the Old Testament. I've got a feeling that God can help me, even though He puts me through all this shit. Me, Uzi, and God. Uzi's my cushion and my lifeline, like always. At least for right now. Oh, and my family, too. I hope I can make things better with them. It's a funny feeling, tbh. I'm feeling a mix of loneliness, hopelessness, enlightenment, and hope. I know that probably didn't make sense, but I'm seeing shit rn that I've been struggling to beforehand. I dunno. I wish and hope that things get better. I still have feelings for the girl, but I think I can get rid of them. I'll have to at some point, anyway. I just don't want to dispose of her completely, though. I hate ghosting people, but I feel that distancing myself will lead to that. I need some help on that aspect, but it's alright. Welp, Christmas Break is coming up, so I'll have some time to think to myself, read the Bible, and hang with Uzi. I'll be good, I think. Sorry for vent-dumping here, btw. I hate littering my Tumblr with this. This stuff doesn't look clean and probably looks unhealthy, but writing helps me cope sometimes. Hoping some advice could be dropped here. I'm worried that I might be doing something wrong or there's things I'm failing to understand.

Vent 2: The Electric Boogaloo

Post-writing: Most of this was typed as it was going through my mind. Why do girls always hurt me?

Fuck, and it's the same one most times.

I wish I could fix our relationship, but idk how to do that. We used to talk all the time, and now we barely talk, with the exception of a bit of chatter here and there. However, it's not as much as before.

The situation is hefty, but I'll sum it up as much as possible.

I told her that I loved her back in May, but she told me she wanted to stay friends. Then, a week later, she started dating some douchebag who barely gave a damn about her. He just wanted to use her for her smarts, and it took a long time for her to see that. She broke up with him once in the summer, got back together with him, and broke up with him again.

Towards the end of the summer, we got our schedules for school. Lo and behold, we ended up having 3 of our 5 classes of the fall semester together. I was so excited and happy, thinking that God had finally answered my prayers; we might finally be together after all.

Heh, I love life.

School came, and we started yapping immediately for the first couple of days. Then once we got to 3rd period, we found that the teacher had set up a seating chart.

I was put literally across the room from her.

She was put right next to a guy she's known longer than me.

She looked more excited to see him than me. She had him for 3rd and 4th period.

God. Fucking. Dammit.

Anyway, that sucked for a while. Then our teacher for 4th period also set up a seating chart. Again, I was put a distance from her; she was put RIGHT NEXT to the guy again. What the fuck.

Anyway, 5th period, I made sure to sit behind her this time.

Basically, the semester continued like this. At some point, I was able to move closer to her for 3rd period. Still didn't stop her from chatting and falling more in love with him.

Initially, I hated him. I didn't even know him that well. I just hated him on the basis of, "That should be me. Me."

And then I got to know him. He's a really fucking well-rounded guy.

He's smarter than me, funnier, and doesn't struggle showing that he cares for her. He gets her things, and she gets him things. He always asks if she's ok, and even pulls her aside to talk to her one-on-one. They text for HOURS into the night, and have nicknames for each other. He always helps her with assignments first before anyone else.

Did I mention he's smarter than me? I did. He has A honor roll, and isn't even in the National Honor Society like me or her.

All shit my Autistic ass struggles with.

Fucking sociopathic fuck, why can't I just do that.

Sorry, I'm zoning again. Okay, so basically, now she won't shut the fuck up about him. She keeps asking me if I think they look like a couple, and asks for advice. Like I'm okay with all of that. Like I'm okay seeing here move farther away from me, even though I still love her.

I love her, yet she excludes me from shit sometimes. Like, I never get gifts from her, but she gives gifts to her other friends and this guy.

I dunno, I feel fucked up rn. Hold on, tumblr word limit. Gotta separate this block into another post.