#Usually in times of high stress or frustration they hit the hardest; but they sometimes just come out of the blue

[iimexpensiive]

While it's hard to spy at first glance, Wukong does have some small scars from the use of the circlet — most hidden underneath his hair. He also suffers from severe headaches and migraines, especially when extremely stressed out or upset. The pain almost mimicking how the circlet would tighten and squeeze his head.

[theunmappedstar]

TS!Sophie Headcanons

Sophie has Tourette syndrome, meaning she makes noises and movements which she can’t control because of a neurological condition in the brain. These repetitive phrases or movements are called “tics”.

She has a variety of tics, both vocal and physical.

One of her vocal tics at a young age was "suldreen" and she could never figure out why she kept repeating it. Her parents found it odd, too, because they’d never uttered “suldreen” around her - she'd just been blabbering it since birth. Her dad calls her “Soybean” because of it (and Sophie despises that nickname).

Sophie has a few tics that are in English, from the time she spent in a human environment. 

For example: Sophie has a tic that's an obscure line from Sherlock because her human mom and dad used to watch the show frequently and they loved it, so it’s emblazoned in her mind. In the first episode, Sherlock tries to convince a police officer that he's in shock because he's got a blanket, so he can't answer questions in an interrogation. So, Sophie ticcing, "I’m in shock! I’ve got a blanket!" over and over again. (She does an impersonation of his british accent and everything).

Sophie with a cursing tic, but it's in English so no one knows what she's saying and by god is she glad.

OR, alternatively, once she manifests as a polyglot, it's a curse in trollish or ogre or a different language and only one of her bodyguards gets it and they're thrown off guard by it.

She's being interrogated by the Council during a Tribunal or something of the sort, and out of nowhere she yells, "FUCK" and immediately turns red with embarrassment, but the Council is just confused as hell and tries to move forward-

Sophie develops a “no reason to worry!” tic. Alden thinks it’s precious and flattering. Sophie finds it anything but. (Especially since her brain makes it a point to impersonate his heavy accent when she does it).

After a long time with Silveny, she developed a tic where she just shouts Keefe's name. Keefe thinks it’s the greatest thing in the world, and makes it a point to respond even if he knows she’s just ticcing.

“Yes, Miss F?”

“Shut up, you know I’m not talking to you.”

Sophie getting a vocal tic of a food.. and it's super random, like, "ripplepuff". And she keeps ticcing and she doesn't know why she even developed that because ripplepuffs aren't that amazing to her - it's not like they're her favourites or anything, but her brain just decided "ooh, new tic!". 

Fitz hears her repeating it and one day brings her a little tin and says he has a surprise.. and when she opens it she starts giggling and her brain takes hold and she tics again and again and they're both smiley and giggly-

She ends up ticcing so much from the excitement that she reacts with physical tics and smashes them in with her hands or chucks them across the room.

Speaking of physical tics: a common physical tic that Sophie has always had is facial grimacing. She scrunches up her entire face and her eyes close tight and her shoulders temporarily lift before she’s released and she returns to relaxed position.

Keefe (lovingly) calls it her Scrunchy Face.

(It was originally “Grumpy Face” but then Keefe realized that might not make her feel too good and he wants her to know he’s not making fun of her for doing something completely normal. He just finds it cute!)

Sophie’s most common response to stress is plucking at her eyelashes. And Sophie is stressed a lot, so she tends to repeat the action. She does it so often that one day her brain is like, "haha!! new tic!!”. Not only that, but it spreads to her eyebrows and soon she’s plucking and prodding and ugh, she’s so frustrated because her eyebrows are uneven. (She has to take elixirs to make the hair grow back faster).

When she starts wearing gloves after manifesting as an Enhancer, it’s a texture she has to get used to, so she develops a tic where she clenches her fists super hard.

That one can really hurt at times because her hand won’t unclench and her nails dig into her palm-

Sophie getting tics when she’s flustered... Yeah, she tics super hard around Keefe and Fitz. She hopes nobody notices.

Sophie has a tic that’s her scrunching up her nose and squeezing her eyes shut and making a tiny sound... honestly sounds a little bit like she’s trying to fake a sneeze. Her shoulders also shrug when she does this.

Sophie ticcing when she meets the alicorn babies for the first time because she’s so happy they’re alive and well. And wow, they’re so pretty and cute. Her tics are all coming out at once though and she’s shrugging and scrunching her face and squeezing her eyes closed and her head jolts to the side every now and then and she’s shivering and she keeps yelling different vocal tics that have nothing to do with the situation.

Sophie getting a tic that’s her making popping sounds with her mouth.

Or blowing raspberries.

Spoiler alert: this one does not come in handy when she’s using a straw. There have been quite a few times where she’s ticced and blown into the straw, so her drink violently bubbles and splashes over. (It’s easier for her to leave her cup on the table and drink through a straw, though, as opposed to picking it up and risking throwing it on the ground).

Sophie getting tics in the middle of conversation and she gets embarrassed because they keep interrupting her, which makes her reach the conclusion a bit slower. (Obviously nobody minds, however).

All this being said, tourettes is not something that’s always light and happy - it’s not constantly a cute, smiley thing where she simply makes funny sounds or funny movements. It affects her life and can make her miserable.

One of her tics is holding her breath. This makes for obvious breathing difficulties. She sucks in her breath and won’t exhale for extended periods of time and she can't do anything to make it stop, which makes her panic-y (and that doesn’t help the situation anymore). She likes someone to be there to work her through it.

Most of the time it’s Grady and Edaline, but if they’re not home and it happens, her bodyguards are always willing to help lay her down on her back and hold her hands as she goes through it. And we all know the rest of her friends are also extremely willing to help!

Just think about Fitz and Keefe on either side of her, holding her hands. Fitz is transmitting to her, assuring her she’s fine and she’ll be through it soon enough... Keefe monitoring her emotional state sending her blue breezes in hopes to help keep her calm...

Sophie getting frustrated because she gets very emotional when the adults or authoritative figures in her life won't listen to her/don't trust her and she tries to speak to them, but they keep brushing her off and she keeps ticcing as she's trying to talk because she's getting so emotional and her tics keep getting more intense and frequent and she's trying her best to keep her cool and keep pushing through and trying not to cry because she doesn't want them to see her like some kid that can't control herself (even though that's stupid because you can't control tics, but she still feels self conscious about the way she's seen).

Sophie trying to bake with her parents and accidentally getting batter everywhere because she couldn't keep from ticcing. She feels really bad because half of it is on the floor for them to clean up and they had to take some utensils out of her reach, but Edaline and Grady don't mind; they're just happy to spend time with her. (Sophie still feels bad).

Sophie getting really nervous before going to sleep because the lights are out and she generally just has a hard time sleeping and feeling safe at night so her anxiety starts to rev up which makes her tics go haywire and she's ticcing so much that it's hard to settle down so she hails Dex or transmits to Fitz-

Sophie also has a tic where she hits herself or the things around her, so she gets a lot of bruises from that. She also destroys a lot of things with it, which makes her sad.

For example: Sophie accidentally ticcing and hitting her friends and she feels so horrible and keeps apologizing because she could just hear the echo of the slap, but they hold onto her hands and promise that it's okay, they know she didn't mean to.

Sophie being told to be quiet and sit still in detention, but she can't and the mentor doesn't know and snaps at her and Keefe stands up for her like, "Dude, she can't stay quiet, let her breathe.”

It would make it so much harder to walk around if her tics got intense because she can’t control them and sometimes the movements are jarring and throw her off-balance. That’s why she’s labeled “clumsy” by most people - and she hates it.

Sophie’s PTSD, Anxiety, and Tourettes generally like to work hand in hand. Say Sophie gets very anxious and emotional at the sight, feel, or thought of fire. Since she's so emotional from the trigger, she’ll tic more, and the high-intensity moment might trigger a tic attack. 

These can last from a range of minutes to hours.

Her tic attacks can not only include intense bursts of ticcing, many times without pause in between, but they can also include muscle tension and changing in breathing. Her joints usually stiffen and burn, and her breathing can either pick up speed or go drop to a slower, concerning rate. It’s a very uncomfortable place for Sophie to be stuck in.

Sophie panicking after a Neverseen encounter and she has a tic attack. 

Elwin just... holds her. He tries to keep her from hitting herself too much or bringing any more bodily harm.

Sophie ticcing while she's abducted and restrained in the first book, but because she's restrained and not able to really move, it makes her joints all achy and stiff and it burns and her interrogators get more and more aggressive in their handling of her because she isn’t answering (she’s ticcing so much that it’s difficult) and she won't sit still-

Sophie trying her hardest when Mr. Forkle picks her and Dex up to not tic and hold on to Dex so that Mr. Forkle doesn't set him down.

Sophie getting a really intense tic attack when she's forced to keep that circlet on her in Everblaze. She can't stop ticcing and it's hurting her head and she's sobbing and begging for a sedative because she doesn't want to be awake.

Sophie having to be lulled into sleep by Silveny throughout most of her recovery in Flashback, because if she tics too much, she sets back all the progress she’s made on healing her arm.

(UNLOCKED SPOILERS) Amidst the struggle, however, there is triumph, too. The first time she doesn't trigger a tic attack at the feeling and sight of fire is during Unlocked when she sets the warehouse on fire. Even though everyone is harsh with her about it afterwards, Sandor makes it a point to mention to the adults that he is very proud of her, in a way, because he didn't even have to carry her out of there like he usually does when she's around fire and is triggered - she walked out of there on her own.

[peachyproserpina]

Wickedly Domestic - Roommates and Puppies

Now that I am back on tumblr I figured I might as well upload my John Wick x Fat!OC fic here as well. Maybe I'll find the motivation to write it as well.

TW: Alternate Universe Canon Diverence, Mutual Pining, Slowburn, Sex

If I miss anything please let me know!

There is a consistent thunk, thunk, thunk of her roommates bed hitting the wall. Despite a whole floor separating them she could still hear the sounds of her roommate getting fucked into next week, literally. Usually Maria wouldn’t care that her roommates late at night shenanigans would run into the next morning but, there was more at stake on the agenda today than usual. Maria pressed her pillow over her ears and looked at her phone; it was almost 4 am Monday morning.

There was a meeting in downtown New York that she had to attend, which the commute was a little more intense then she usually had to deal with. Living and working in a suburb outside of New York City allowed for a stress and traffic free drive to work, usually 15 minutes or less, but driving into the city always was a hassle, that drive tends to be close to an hour. Maria rubbed at her eyes and unlocked her phone, she still had 3 hours before she had to be downtown. She felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, this meeting was with the CEO. Those kinds of meetings either ended up in promotion or termination, she buried her face into her pillow. She could still hear the thunk and a few giggles from her roommate and company. Considering she was already up and too anxious to go back to bed she might as well get her workout in now instead of later.

Heaving herself up and out of bed with a groan she let out a yawn before looking around for her workout clothes. Pulling on her leggings and finding a clean shirt she fished around her room for her headphones. Despite living in New York state for a little over 3 months now she still hasn’t completely unpacked. Moving boxes were still stacked around the room and there was a stack of art needing to be hung up.

She wasn’t planning on moving when she did, the roommate who was busy getting fucked, offered her a place to stay. All she had to do was pay utilities and cook for the house once a week. The home had been a surprise to her roommate Cooper. An estranged great Aunt had willed it over to her, Cooper was already living in New York, and the full ride she received was barely enough to cover the dorm she had to split with 2 other people. When she was contacted by lawyers telling her she is now a proud homeowner and didn’t have to worry about student loans for the rest of her life.

One of the first things she did was reach out to Maria. Cooper was well aware of the tension at home, brewing in Maria’s family since they met in high-school. Unfortunately she had first hand seen more tear stained faces and frustration that Maria was put through. They spoke often and were close, promising to push each other to do amazing things. Sometimes amazing things means moving across the country but their love and friendship didn’t diminish over the distance. So offering the room

All Maria had to do was fund the move and drive 30 hours across the country. Dying to get out of the town she has spent her whole life, as well as always loving the east coast, she packed up, put in her two weeks at her current job and submitted an application to anywhere within a 10 mile radius of her new address. She thanked the stars when a local bank picked up her application and allowed for Skype and phone interviews, giving her the job before she even moved out there. She was introduced to her coworkers through a group chat and she fell into her role easily before she even met them in person.

The hardest part had been leaving old friends, leaving her family on the other hand had been a blessing. Her father and his side of the family had always been hard to please and any relationship with them over the last couple of years had been more of a formality than anything else. Her mother was a different story, tears were shed and a few fights were had due to this hasty decision on moving across the country. Maria’s mother had always wanted more for her daughter than what she currently had but packing up and leaving across the country in less than a month gave her mother bad feelings. Her mother backed off and gave Maria her blessing once she got her job, knowing how stubborn her daughter is once she puts her mind to something.

Her siblings had felt the same way, constant calls and texts were exchanged during the long drive while everyone was proud and knew she would be better for the move. It still hurt, promising to visit during holidays and letting them stay over if they ever visited. But it was like ripping off a bandaid. It had to be done or else it festers and could lead to infection, staying stagnant had been driving her crazy.

Once changed and headphones found under some papers she had been reviewing at her desk, she slid them over her ears and made her way upstairs, closing the door and making sure it was locked behind her. Her cat had the habit of running outside and getting lost or turning up at the local shelter and the last thing she needed was to also be worrying about her cat while she was working in the city.

She jogged down to the gate and opened it before she got into her car and made her way to the nature preserve just a few minutes away from her home. She could have ran there but she wasn’t quite ready to commit to the workout while the air was so chilly. By the time she has parked and started her stretches the world had started to wake up around her, birds chirping and the distant sounds of honking while she tried to figure out what playlist she wanted to run to. Deciding on something beat heavy she started down the trail that would lead over the swamp, it had been a while since she had run outside, usually opting to do her cardio in a class setting or on a treadmill while she binges whatever series she is watching on Netflix at the moment.

She was only half a mile in the trail before she had to stop for a moment. Her “ultra support” sports bra did not help as much as she hoped, having big tits was a blessing and a curse. They made working out hell on earth but it got her more free drinks at the bar then she would like to admit. But it also kept her from being able to run as much as she would like to before she has to stop and readjust.

She pulled out her phone and checked the time, quarter past 5 am, she still had time. She could do a mile before she went home and showered and get ready for a grueling day. She paused her music, taking deep breaths before she started up again, she thought she heard rustling behind her. Which despite being close to the city the swamp held more wildlife than she thought it would. She sat and listened, chancing a glance behind her. The sun was nearly up but running by herself in public always put her on edge. There was always the chance of someone grabbing her and doing whatever they would like to her, she shuddered and unlocked her phone, sending her location and a text as to when she would be back to the roommate group chat. Just in case she were to get snatched up at least her roommates would know where she was last.

She started up again, turning her music up all the way to drown out her heavy breathing and the sound of her feet hitting the trail. It wasn’t until she was almost across one of the many bridges in the nature preserve stretching her calf muscles when she felt something warm and slimy against the skin of her leg. She screamed and pulled her head phones off, looking down to see if she had unknowingly picked up a slug or if some creep had managed to sneak up on her. Letting out a sigh when she saw it was a small Beagle, whining and licking at her leg. She crouched down pet the dog who was whining at her feet.

“Hey baby, where are your parents?” She picked up the dog and looked it over, she saw a name tag, “Daisy- that’s a cute name. Matches my tattoo,” she flipped over the name tag and saw an address, thankful she wouldn't have to drop the dog off at home and try to find her owners later. Daisy fell asleep in her arms while she walked the pup back to her car, the thought on finishing her run gone from her mind. Once the dog was rested safely in her front seat and plugged the address into her phone. It was a quick drive back to the owners house thankfully, it was getting dangerously close to 6 am but she couldn’t not take the sleepy baby home.

She knew if her cat went missing longer than usual or her roommates dog she would be worried sick. No parent should be worried about their baby, that was the biggest motivator for her as she snaked through the neighborhood following her GPS until she pulled up to one of the biggest houses she had ever seen. She knew she lived in affluent part of the state but pulling up the gravel driveway of what was basically a mansion she started to sweat. The bouncing of her car woke the puppy up, who was happily wagging her tail, grateful to be home after wandering away in the early morning. Maria smiled, happy that the pup was glad to be home.

“Lets go baby, let's get you back home.” Daisy ran up the door and pawed at it. Maria knocked and waited a moment, when she didn’t hear any movement in the house she rang the doorbell. Daisy was sitting by her feet waiting patiently for the door to open, it felt like hours while she stood in the massive door hoping someone was home to take the pup in. In reality It had probably been only 5 or so minutes, she chanced a glance around the driveway and didn’t see a car. Figuring that whoever would have been home was gone she turned and started walking back to her car, calling for Daisy, she could take her home and try again after work. Knowing her roommates would be sympathetic to the lost puppy and take care of her until she could try again. It was then she heard the large door open. She turned and nearly lost her balance when she caught a glance at the man who opened the door.

[veliseraptor]

2020 Fanfiction Round-Up

I do one of these every year! And have since I think 2016. Can’t break a tradition even if it’s been a clusterfuck of a time and filling this out was in some ways an exercise in remembering the ways I have failed myself as a writer this year. 

But oh well!

Total Year-Long Wordcount: I’ll post the final final number tonight after I finish the writing I want to do this afternoon (and plan to do this afternoon), but it’s currently 451,803 words written this year. Guessing I’m going to land somewhere around 453,000ish. (AO3 claims a higher number than that but that’s because it is counting the entirety of fics where I posted chapters this year.

This year I wrote and posted: I wrote a fair number more than I posted (there are five fics finished but for various reasons unposted on my hard drive) but based on Tumblr I posted 78 posts in my fic tag, which, not including chapter specific updates and three sentence meme answers (but including at least two Tumblr-only longer fics), probably comes out to about 60 or so “full length” fics that saw the light of day in 2020.

Overall Thoughts

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted? 

Well, I wrote more than I did last year, which is sort of a surprise to me (all things considered) but also maybe not, because I was doing a lot less of most other things that could’ve been occupying my time, including two hours daily of commuting. 

But still less than I did in 2018. Which is fine.

What’s your own favorite story of the year? 

Lord, I don’t know. It depends on when you ask me. Lately I’ve been in a bit of a “I hate everything I’ve written ever” state of mind, so that makes it sort of hard to do any kind of...reasonable assessment. 

I know I’m proud of With Absolute Splendor but I have all these reservations about it and I can’t reread it for the most part because I always notice new things I wish I’d done differently. I feel pretty good about efforts in a common cause but something about it still makes me cringe, which I suspect has to do with my general self-consciousness. I have a hard time feeling unreservedly proud about...anything I wrote this year, really. 

I feel like the closest I get is maybe nor autumn falter which I am pretty pleased with and also which does hurt me a lot personally. Or I did end up overall pretty pleased with what came out of By Proxy.

But also the more I look at this question the more I start hating all my own work, so...guess this is kind of coming at a bad time.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

I mean, I started writing in my first non-English fandom in many years, and specifically one where I was trying to engage more with the cultural background of the setting (in a way I wasn’t with, say, Death Note, when I was writing Death Note fic). So that was a risk. And I learned that it’s very stressful and there’s so many ways to make mistakes and I am, in many ways, a coward. But also I think I’ve learned a fair amount thanks to a lot of very patient people on the internet, so...there’s that.

Otherwise...I mean, I got ambitious with a few projects this year (the Big Bang fic and With Absolute Splendor stand out), but I’m not sure how much I really tried new things. 

I feel like I had to fight myself a little on writing straight up bad sex for By Proxy - I planned on it being hot, and it really wasn’t. It was mostly just miserable. Which made for a better fic, but was a new experience for me as far as ‘I thought I was going to write porn and that isn’t what I wrote.’

From my past year of writing, what was….

My most popular story of this year: 

By far, With Absolute Splendor. In fact, it has now become my second most kudosed fic of all time, behind only fuckin Life in Reverse. So like. That’s a thing.

(It is still less than half as many as Life in Reverse, but for context Life in Reverse has been around for going on eight years.)

Most fun story to write: 

Most fics where I feel like “I’m having so much fun writing this!” also go through a “oh god I hate this it’s terrible” phase which makes this sort of hard to assess. But I did have overall a lot of fun writing Mutual Friends despite all my frustration with the canon-wrangling I had to do to make it work in my head. 

But also I feel like both Retributive Justice and Embedded were in different ways deeply iddy fics that were just fun to write. That actually goes for a lot of the Whumptober fics. That was a very self-indulgent month. Excited to do it again in February (hopefully, if I can write things in a timely manner at all).

Story with the single sexiest moment: 

I feel like the beauty of your repair might be my personal favorite smut I posted this year, but I think my personal favorite that I wrote is in the big bang fic nobody will see until January. 

I feel like most of the sexiest moments I’ve written this year are in the porn fics I’m going to start posting in January also. But just generally I feel like the beauty of your repair is the sexiest thing I wrote and posted.

Most “Holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story: 

I mean, I Come With Knives is definitely up there. It’s not that wrong or anything, but it got pretty intense in some ways I wasn’t expecting. Mostly in how much blood got involved, which was actually more than I’d had it involved in a sex thing before! Kind of surprises me that I haven’t previously done more with bloodplay stuff but. Well. First time for everything!

I don’t think this was a year that really had any “wow, what the fuck, Lise” things in it. Nothing on the level of last year’s winner. I’m almost disappointed in myself.

Abattoir was definitely the story that generated the weirdest conversation and creepiest search questions, though, so it does get points for that. 

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters: 

I feel like the writing of everyone else is spring bound was a lot of...me thinking through my Jiang Cheng feelings and specifically my Jiang Cheng post-canon feelings. 

the martyr, the victim was pretty formative in shaping how I think about both Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji and their relationship with each other. It was the first fic I wrote that really dug into them in any way, I think, and definitely one that informed how I thought about writing Lan Xichen later.

Hardest story to write: 

I was thinking it was the one that I haven’t posted yet but I did technically finish, aka my Big Bang fic, the terrible threesome fic, the massive “I’m gonna keep everyone in the Yi City arc alive” AU that I started shortly after finishing The Untamed and finished in December. So I spent most of the year writing it.

But then I was like - no, I’m going to have to go with we live until we die even though it’s technically been ‘in progress’ for five years and really kicked into gear in 2019 and I just finished it and posted it this year, because that fic was like. The culmination of a big arc in an enormous verse dealing with a whole lot of balls in the air and trying to tie up a whole lot of threads. It was ambitious and the stakes were high and it was full of plot and action which are not two of my strengths...frankly I’m still amazed I pulled the damn thing off.

Biggest Disappointment: 

I think it is better if I refrain from going too in depth on this because it would just end up as me listing a bunch of my perceived failings. But I think off the top of my head I’m frustrated by the fact that I still haven’t really managed to write a XueXiao smut fic that quite hits the spot for me, myself. I’ve written two and for various reasons I don’t really like either of them. 

Biggest Surprise: 

The fact that my Jiang Cheng fic took off the way it did. Legitimately did not see that coming! At all! I mean, I’m delighted by it but it wasn’t what I saw happening as far as “niche I’d find in this fandom” or “thing I’d write that people would really enjoy reading.”

Particularly with By Proxy. That fic got a lot more attention than I would’ve expected. 

Most Unintentionally Telling Story: 

I feel like every fic I write with Xue Yang in it tells you something about me and most of those things are things that make me, on some level, deeply self-conscious, but I try not to think about that too much.  

I feel like the most telling story is maybe we all drift sometimes because I literally wrote it out of a depressive episode about a bad brain day but that wasn’t unintentional.

Favorite Opening Line(s):

1. So it turned out that if you touched the tendons of a dead person’s wrist and channeled a little bit of spiritual energy just right, it made the fingers twitch and curl like they were still alive. (Abattoir)

2. Here’s the thing: your Daozhang is glorious when he kills. (tear out all your tenderness)

3. Turned out that a sect leader’s head came off like anyone else’s. (Unnatural Selection)

4. The first hint that anything had gone awry was the letter from Lan Wangji (His Excellency Hanguang-jun, pardon me) that simply said have you heard from Wei Ying? (some good mistakes)

5. What Jiang Cheng wanted to do, more than anything, was to go home and take a nap. (everyone else is spring bound)

Favorite Line(s) from Anywhere:

I usually keep this to 10 but because I’ve been in such a :| place about my own writing I indulged myself this once.

1. Sometimes it felt like all he had done since descending the mountain was shatter his own dreams and accumulate regrets. (nor autumn falter)

**

2. It felt like she was holding all the components of a bomb in her hands, half assembled. If she moved the right way they would stay just that: components. But if she moved the wrong way… (til my judgment day)

**

3. He should have killed him. Should have been the one to strike that blow, in revenge for Jin Zixuan and their sister and everyone else dead for Wei Wuxian’s pride. Maybe then there would not be this gnawing, aching thing embedded in his chest; this itching, unfinished feeling. Maybe then he would not feel torn in two, sometimes like he should have reached out with his other hand and sometimes like he should have struck truer and sometimes both, in the same moment. (Interstitial)

**

4. He owed Wei Wuxian more than he could ever give back in this lifetime. Forgiving him felt like betraying his sister’s memory. Not forgiving him felt like trying to walk with a thorn in his foot. He was just - stuck, caught like a demon in a spiritual net.

Jiang Cheng thought of the way Wei Wuxian looked at Lan Wangji, with warmth and trust and love, and the aching, sick jealousy he had no right to feel returned. He felt a little like a child watching someone pick up a toy he’d abandoned and suddenly realizing that he wanted it back. (everyone else is spring bound)

**

5. You close your eyes and think about how he looked back in that town, Shuanghua slicing clean through a man’s neck, opening it to the spine, and think dizzily that he could open you like that and it’d be good, as long as it lasted. (tear out all your tenderness)

**

6. When Wangji loved, he loved with his whole being, without reserve. And now he had been placed between the rock of his convictions and the hard place of his devotion to Wei Wuxian. (the martyr, the victim)

**

7. He spent a week turning the idea over in his head. Studying it like a corpse he was going to dissect, poking at it, cutting it open and examining its insides. (dead reckoning)

**

8. When the world hurt you, that was the only thing to do, after all. Hurt it back, harder, worse. Spill rivers of blood for every drop it squeezed from you.

And when the end came, never go quietly. (the blood in your mouth)

**

9. I would stand with you through the end of the world, said Loki’s voice in his head, and Steve’s heart wasn’t in his chest anymore, was somewhere off on another planet where Loki was lying dead in a ruined city. (we live until we die)

**

10. Was it always going to be like this? Stumbling into traps, tripping over familiar skeletons, slicing himself open on the edges of old hurts. Was there really such a thing as leaving the past behind? He still felt stuck in it, unable to move, and every time he thought he might be finally dragging himself free something pulled him back. (With Absolute Splendor)

**

11. His chest was full of poison. His throat was full of grief. And he was still a little drunk.

Jiang Cheng went to his room, sat down on his bed, put his face in his hands, and cried until he couldn’t breathe. (By Proxy)

Top 5 Scenes from Anywhere You Would Choose to Have Illustrated:

I think the scene from nor autumn falter of Xiao Xingchen just crying his heart out over Xue Yang’s dead body would be up there.

The Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian hug from the end of With Absolute Splendor.

Okay, just gonna say it: Xue Yang and Jin Guangyao having sex by the table with Nie Mingjue’s headless corpse on it. So sue me.

The scene in the blood in your mouth where Song Lan has stabbed Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen is following the line of Fuxue to the latter. I have a very clear visual of it in my head and if I could art I’d art it.

Xue Yang with the hallucinatory Xiao Xingchen from liberate spirits, liberate souls.

Fic-writing goals for 2021:

Finish Walking Far From Home.

Maybe I’ll finish some of these MCU WIPs? I’d kind of like to, on an abstract level if nothing else.

Become a more well-adjusted human being about the relationship between my productivity and my self-worth.

[tetsuroyaoyaoya]

A Crow Without Wings

tsukishima kei x reader - part ten

previous | masterlist | next

A/N: this chapter really tested me - cue the very alcoholic iced latte it took for me to finally finish it.

There were very few times in your life that you could say that you’ve hated someone. Being a poster child for a powerhouse middle school like Kitagawa First was almost as stressful as being one for Shiratorizawa, meaning there were very few mistakes that you were allowed to make.

You were never told where and when you could make these mistakes, since they weren't actual rules, but there was an unspoken agreement in an environment like that about standards, and you were the one to uphold those. Pretty much, every move you made needed to be thought out and calculated, or you career could end where you stood. 

Basically, hating someone was off the table.

But you came very close.

Once. 

Long and difficult practices were the norm in middle school, which you both loved and hated. You could improve your skills to the highest standards, but it was extremely tolling, given you were barely even fourteen years old yet. 

It got easier when Tobio moved up from elementary school, seen as you could practice together, but things on the boys team weren't exactly as easy-going as they were on the girls. 

There was always an  unexplainable tension on the court whenever the boys practiced, and it always worried you just a bit. 

Oikawa Tooru was an amazing setter for his age at the time, and everyone knew it. But sometimes, practice and experience just doesn't quite match up to pure natural talent. 

Which is where your brother came in.

Oikawa was a third year not far off from graduating and Tobio was a first year fresh out of elementary. It was understandable that he would feel frustrated. It was only natural.

But Oikawa wasn't just frustrated. 

At first, he was just impressed. Tobio was practically a genius, even at just thirteen. He had potential to be a great player in time. 

But he had underestimated how long it would take for that raw talent to overshadow his own, and soon, he found himself benched in favour of his junior; something he was very much aggravated by. 

You brushed all of this off of course, seen as you would have been equally as annoyed by it if faced with the same situation. 

But you weren't. 

There was no way for you to have understood how Oikawa felt during that time. and it’s why you couldn't predict what happened next. 

Practice hadn't run over as much as usual, and you smiled to yourself as you jogged over to the other gym to see if the boys were still there so you could slip in a set or two of practice with them. 

Although, your hope of that dwindled as you reached the doors to see Iwaizumi Hajime, another third year, stood at the doors ready to leave. He was mostly waiting for Oikawa, judging by the rhythm of the balls landing on the court from inside of the gym, and you greeted him quietly as you came to stand next to him. 

“Oikawa-san?” Smiling fondly, you watched as your brother approached your senior, volleyball in hand. 

“Please teach me how to serve.” It irked you slightly that he wasn't asking you to help him, but it was better that he was asking people on him team and trying to make friends. 

You frowned when Oikawa didn't reply straight away, an uneasy feeling rooting itself in your stomach. He made a start to move and your body reacted before you mind did, lurching forward to stop whatever he was about to do. 

Iwaizumi got there before you did, catching the captain’s wrist just before his hand hit your brother. 

There was a pause before you continued to storm forward, fingers curling around the collar of the boy’s t-shirt as you pulled him away from your brother, a murderous look in your eye.

He stumbled back, eyes wide in terror, but you just couldn't place what it was exactly that he was afraid of. 

You? Or himself?

“Stay. Away. From my brother.” He gulped, unable to move, leaving you to tut at him in disappointment. 

Thanking Iwaizumi, you left him to deal with his friend as you ushered Tobio out of the gym, ready to go home. 

The next morning, Oikawa stopped you in the middle of the hallway on your way to class. He looked nervous, wringing his hands together and avoiding your eyes as much as possible, and it only fuelled your existing anger towards him. 

“I-i’m really, really sorry for what happened last-” The echo of a slap rang through the hall as your hand made contact with his cheek, forcing his head to the side. 

Everyone in the surrounding area paused as they watched the scene unfold, excited to see the two most popular volleyball players arguing in the hallway. 

“Never treat my brother like that again. I won't hesitate to do worse than that.” A shaky hand made its way to his face and you walked past him to continue on to your class, bumping shoulders gently as you did so. 

And that was the last you ever saw of Oikawa, besides the odd glimpse of him at practice. 

That is... until now.

~~~

Your eyes remained trained on the opposing captain as he sauntered over to the centre line of the court in order to shake hands with Daichi. Unable to help yourself, you narrowed your eyes in a glare as they met immediately finding his unwavering cockiness distasteful, especially after what happened in middle school. 

Although, the more you looked, the more you realised that he had changed a lot since then, in appearance at least. 

You had completely ignored him when you ran into him, Ushijima, and Iwaizumi earlier on in the week, so it had taken you until now to realise just how tall he had gotten in the past three years. He had always been taller than you in middle school, but now you were sure that he would tower over you as he stood a good three inches or so above Daichi. 

Despite whatever reservations you had against the captain, you were interested to see how much he had improved since you saw him last, and it seemed that it would be long until you found out, since he was the one up to serve first.

The whistle blew, and the ball was high in the air, your hands gripping the railing of the balcony in anticipation. 

His hand made contact with the ball, sending it flying over the net, and you raised an eyebrow, slightly impressed. The power of the serve was amazing, you had to admit, but it still wasn't your serve. There was just something missing. 

Even so, it had a flair to it that only he could achieve, so in a way, he had kind or made it his own. You just hoped that eventually, Tobio could do the same. 

Daichi managed to receive the serve straight away, but a hit like that was difficult to control, and unfortunately, he sent it right back over the net for a chance ball that Seijoh could take advantage of.

It was quickly approaching the net, getting a bit closer than you would have liked, seen as it would be so easy for someone to attempt a direct attack, which is exactly what Kindaichi seemingly had in mind as he jumped, dumping the ball over Hinata. Luckily, Tobio was there to receive it, but since he got the first touch, it meant that he wasn't able to set. 

You panicked until you saw Nishinoya sprinting forward, leaping over the back line into a setting position. You smiled proudly at how well the libero set the ball, sending it over to Asahi for a back attack. Despite most of the players on the other side of the net being frozen in shock from the unexpected attack, one blocker still tried to get a hand on it, but it was no use, seen as he couldn't reach it in time. The ball landed cleanly on the other side of the net, Karasuno scoring the first point of the game.

While that was a good thing, the length of that rally worried you. It was only the first point and everyone was working their hardest to keep the ball in the air. If every point was like that, they’d be quick to run out of stamina, and the game would probably end sooner than everyone was expecting. 

Tobio was up to serve next, and you crossed your fingers behind your back. His biggest rival was Oikawa, and considering everything that had happened between the two, you knew that his nerves must have been through the roof. 

It seemed that all of the players on the opposing team were on high alert, knowing that your brother’s serve was almost as good as their captains. Tobio hit the ball, focusing more on direction than power, only for it to land slightly outside of the court boundary. 

His anger was clearly visible, even from the balcony, and you cheered encouragements along with his teammates, knowing that the missed serve would only make his nerves worse. 

Iwaizumi was up to serve next, and you took a deep breath. The ace had a mean spike, but his serves were equally as powerful. The team was in it’s best receiving formation, but that was only just enough as the force from the serve was enough to knock Asahi off balance, sending the ball slightly long. 

The ball looked as if it was about to go over the net, and both Tobio and Kunimi jumped, the opposer clearly expecting your brother to simply dump it over the net, but he was smarter than that. He used all the reach he could manage to get his fingers on the ball enough to set it one-handed, leaving Tanaka to spike it over. 

You cheered when Tsukishima blocked the ball out completely, albeit with less enthusiasm as you had in the past. Even though you were absolutely furious with him, that was no reason to single him out. He needed just as much, if not more, support than anyone on that court, and you weren't that cruel. 

Seijoh was easily keeping even with Karasuno in terms of points, but even so, the match was already going better than you had anticipated.

But that didn't mean anyone was letting their guard down.

Another rally began between the teams, the ball going back and forth over the net but refusing to fall to the floor. You knew it was the perfect time for a quick, but if you could tell that from the audience, it meant that the other team knew that as well, meaning they were probably expecting Tobio to play that card. 

As expected, Hinata spiked, only to be completely blocked. 

Tsukishima was ready behind them to pick it up, but you knew that block would leave an impression on the two of them, and you just hoped it wouldn't distract them from the match. 

The ball ended up over the net for a chance ball, and you kept your eyes on the duo, who were getting ready to block whatever attack they were about to face. 

All of a sudden, Tobio kicked his leg up, hitting Hinata’s backside harshly. You burst out laughing, knowing that it was probably the only thing that you brother could think of to snap the smaller blocker back to reality. 

It clearly worked in some way, as the ginger managed to get a hand on Iwaizumi’s next spike, preventing it from slamming down onto the court floor. 

The ball was set up again, and Hinata was already sprinting forward, ready to spike once again. Kindaichi was there ready to block again, but this time, Hinata was ready, and made sure to avoid him, angling his hit to the side. The libero stuck his arm out quickly in an attempt to save it, but it only ended up bouncing off out of bounds, scoring the point for Karasuno. 

The pair immediately freak out and you continue to giggle at them as the rest of the team joins in.

Oikawa, being the consistent little shit that he was, delivered another amazing serve, but Daichi wasn't letting him get away with any points, getting the ball in the air ready for Tobio to set.

Hinata was already in the air, waiting for the ball to reach him so he could spike it straight past Seijoh’s libero. Said player barely even flinched, but you could figure out whether that was because the spike was too quick or he purposely let it land in order to figure something out. 

The pace remained pretty much the same throughout the first set, leaving everyone in the edge of their seat as they waited to find out who would make a break in points first. 

You scrunched your nose up as you watched another blocker lock on to Hinata, restricting the direction he could spike and causing him to send it straight to Kindaichi to receive as he played right into their plan. This allowed Seijoh to counter too easily, scoring them the point.

Hands gripping onto the railing, you sighed. This meant that they had already figured out a way to deal with Hinata’s attacks, and were beginning to turn the match in their favour. 

Although, not by much. You grinned as Hinata managed to block one of their spikes, earning another point and keeping them in the lead. 

You narrowed your eyes as the captain stepped up to serve. He always seemed to step in at the wrong times.

Your jaw dropped at the sheer force he managed to hit the ball with, and you found yourself unable to breath as it hit the court floor, half expecting it to burst. 

“Oh.” That... That was not your serve. That was... scary. 

You had barely registered it, being to distracted to notice, but the ball had landed outside of the court, meaning that Karasuno got the point, bringing them to set point. 

You sighed as Seijoh score the next point, but tilted your head upwards in curiosity as the whistle blew. Looking over to the referee, he was signalling a player change.

A player change? This late into the set? 

Usually you could risk a pinch server, but this was weird. 

“Oh? What’s this?” It was the player from earlier, the one that you didn't recognise. 

Seijoh was difficult enough to deal with after the team had already played them, but this new player could change everything. 

Iwaizumi’s serve was received by Daichi, but not as comfortably as you would have liked, and you winced as it spiralled off to the right. It was short, but Tobio still managed to set it to Tanaka, only for it to get caught by the blockers. Their libero easily put it back into play, and Oikawa prepared to set it over to Kindaichi for the spike. 

You furrowed your eyebrows as you noticed the new player sprinting forward behind the spiker, gasping as he barrelled through to the front, forcefully knocking Kindaichi over and stealing the spike. Your hands gripped the railing a tad harder as he fell to the floor, but you were immediately distracted by the force this new player managed to hit the ball with. 

It was unlike anything you had ever seen before. 

His back arched back so far, you wondered how he could still move, and you watched in awe as the force it took him to straighten back out only added to the force of the spike, almost doubling the power any regular spiker could achieve.

You barely even saw the ball hit the floor, and had to rely on the referee to give the final judgement on who the point went to.

He lifted his arm and...

Out. 

Karasuno had taken the first set.

You let out a breath of relief, but the feeling didn't last very long. Whoever this new player was, you didn't like him. 

As a watcher, he was utterly amazing and you wanted to know more, but as a player, you were worried. Seijoh was already amazing, and Karasuno had only just managed to take that set. 

It was already difficult, and yet now there was this new, completely unknown force on the court and even you didn't know how to handle it. 

It seemed that the boys wouldn't have much time to figure anything out either, given that the new player ended up as a starter for the second set. 

You frowned as you watched over the other side of the court. The boy didn't seem much of a team player, especially given what happened at the end of the last set, but even still, it was like he was a completely odd piece to the rest of the puzzle; he didn't seem to fit in anywhere. 

Normally, you would think that it would be a good thing, since the balance of the team would most likely be throw right off, but this was Aobajohsai. They didn't do anything without reason, and even though that last spike was extremely risky, it was also extremely powerful, and given the right mindset, the player could quickly get a grip on it, if he hadn’t already. 

This game suddenly got even more difficult. 

The blow of the whistle pulled you out of your thoughts and you turned your attention back to your side of the court as Asahi threw the ball up to serve. It landed just behind the end line, and you giggled as you watched the rage take over his features. 

“You’ll get the next one, Asahi!” He threw you an appreciative glance, but you could tell that he was extremely on edge; they all were. 

Luckily, Oikawa’s serve went exactly the same way, but his power and speed remained almost exactly the same as they had with the last one, and knowing Tooru, it would be long before those serves started regaining their accuracy as well. 

Tsukki’s serve clipped the net, falling to the front of the court. Iwaizumi managed to dig it, but barely, meaning their formation was well off. 

“Mad Dog!” Oikawa tossed the ball over to the right for the new player to spike, and you furrowed your eyebrows as he began running completely parallel to the net, rather than towards it like a normal spiker would. 

He had three blockers on him, and it was an almost perfect block, except Mad Dog’s spike avoided them completely, and your jaw drop as he pulled off one of the most amazing cut shots you had ever seen. 

The insane serves, along with this new player’s play style were making it practically impossible for Karasuno to get any good footing in this set, and you bit your lip in anticipation of what was to come. 

Two spikers approached the net at once and you winced as Hinata barely missed blocking the ball that ultimately went to Mad Dog. 

He scored the next point as well, bumping into one of his team-mates in the process. 

That was three shots in a row. 

While it made for an interesting match, Seijoh were widening the gap a little too much for your liking, and you were sure that the players on the court were thinking the same thing. 

The rhythm of this set was completely different to what they were used to dealing with from Aobajohsai, and it was painfully obvious that your team was struggling to handle it.

You sighed as Hinata jumped for a block, only for the ball to go to someone completely different. They were too focused on stopping Mad Dog - or Kyoutani as you had heard one of the players call him - and were losing points now because of it.  

Although, it wasn't exactly going smoothly on the opposing side either, and you gaped at the court as you watched Kyoutani hit as hard as possible at a triple block, despite it being clear as crystal that it was just going to rebound and hit the floor. Anyone could tell that the block was pretty much impossible to get around, and yet he had hit anyway.

 You gripped the railing of the balcony a little tighter as you watched the boy run up for another one of those insane cut shots, only to splutter out a laugh when he hit straight into the net. It was an extremely risky play, so you weren't surprised at the lack of consistency. 

Even so, his spikes had amazing power, and even Noya was struggling to pick them up, which was rare. 

His serve was a force to be reckoned with as well, or it would be, if he could actually land it in the court. 

Karasuno was just managing to keep up in points now, since Kyoutani was making so many mistakes, but hadn't landed an actual attack in some time, and it was worrying you. 

A rally broke out between the two teams, the ball going back and forth until Seijoh’s libero’s receive spun slightly out of control, and you could only watch as Oikawa baited your blockers off to one side, actually setting to the other, leaving Kyoutani wide open to score yet another point. 

For once, you were grateful to be on the sidelines instead of actually playing. This match was going to take a toll on the team’s mentality, whether they won or not. There wasn't just the fact that this was probably the longest match you had seen them play, meaning they had to be getting tired by now, there were too many unpredictable factors in the actual plays and the boys weren't handling them fast enough. Even if they did win this match, the finals were being held tomorrow morning, so there wasn't really much they could do to improve before then. 

You wanted them to win; you really did.

But you were scared.

And you knew they were too. 

You held your breath as all four of your spikers began moving at once, setting their synchronised attack into motion. Hinata jumped up from just behind the back line, intending to pull off a back attack, only for it to be completely blocked out. 

One look at Oikawa told you that he knew that Tobio was going to use that, and you scowled. Tooru had taught your brother pretty much everything he knew, so of course he though in the same way, if not, even better. It was just extremely irritating. 

“Oh? Are they switching setters? It didn't look like Kageyama was doing that bad though.” Following Shimada’s gaze, you watched as Sugawara ran over to the bench, coming to stand in front of Ukai. 

“No, I don't think they are. I think they’re going to sub out Kei.” The three adults looked at you in confusion, not being able to place your logic.

“Well, quite frankly, his receives are awful and his serves are mediocre, which makes him a target when he’s in the back row. So, it makes more sense to have all three third years on the court since they’re the most experienced, plus Noya, and then you still have three good spikers up front, a solid set of servers, and two setters. It’s a solid formation.” They gaped at your explanation, wondering how you could have observed all that information so quickly. You would have found their reactions amusing, if Oikawa hadn't just stepped up to serve. 

You watched his eyes as he tossed the ball up into the air, watching how the spin of the ball slowed. It was a good ball, and you really didn't like that look on his face.

“Oh no,” His hand made contact with the ball with an unbelievable amount of speed, and the power wasn't something to brush off either, and no sooner had he hit it, it was lading in your side of the court, right between Daichi and Asahi. 

He finally did it. 

He had finally surpassed you. 

After all these years, his serve was better than yours. and you weren't mad about it. In fact, you were happy for him. He ruined his knee trying to perfect it, and in a way, it was oddly satisfying. 

Now, your team needed to stop him. 

At all costs. 

His next serve clipped the net, and Noya had to dive to the front in order to save it. Although, it meant that the formation was completely off. 

Tsukishima sent the ball over to Tanaka to spike, and luckily, it hit the block before landing outside of the court, scoring them the point. 

The whistle blew for the substitution, and you smirked at the other three when you saw Sugawara holding up a paddle that read ‘11′, pulling Tsukishima out of the game for the time being. 

He was straight up to serve after being subbed in though, and you could see the nervousness on his face. 

Sugawara was the best at aiming serves, and it was always satisfying to watch when something went exactly the way he wanted it to. Kyoutani received the serve, disturbing the team’s timing and making him late to the spike. 

The ball went to Kindaichi instead, a spike which was easily received by none other than Sugawara, sending it over to Tobio and allowing the freak duo to pull of their quick, finally scoring them a clean point. 

The same thing happened once again, the spike being received by Daichi this time. You grinned as you watched the setters switch players, allowing Tobio to join the other spikers for a synchronised attack. Tobio was the one to spike it over with a straight and you cheered as loud as you could manage, knowing he loved to spike every now and then. 

That point meant that the boys were almost caught up again, and you weren't surprised when a time out was called. 

They all looked pretty calm so far, and not as tired as you would have thought, which calmed you down considerably. You knew how much this match meant to them, especially your brother.

Suga tried the same serve again when they were back in the game, but they had clearly figured out a way around it, since Kyoutani stepped to the side to allow another player to receive the ball. This meant that he was able to get to the attack on time and score the point. 

The loss of the point meant a change in rotation, and so Tsukishima was put back on the court. 

It wasn't long before another rally broke out, the ball being returned again and again until Seijoh eventually pulled off a libero set and took the point. You sighed, rolling your shoulders as you began to feel them getting stiff. 

No matter how much Karasuno had evolved since their last match with Aobajohsai, the two teams were a bad match. Your team weren't quick thinkers like they were, and Oikawa could almost predict every move Tobio made. If Karasuno was going to win, it was going to be very, very close. 

Seijoh had clearly switched to the hardest attack strategy that their roster allowed since they brought Kyoutani in, and you groaned when they managed to reach the twenty point mark first. 

Another time out was called and you ran a hand through your hair in frustration. It really wasn't going well, and you knew they were going to be in trouble if they didn't win this set. 

The boys were panicking, and it was obvious when they resumed the game. They were took focused on trying to to be baited that they fell right into Seijoh’s trap. 

Not only that, but Kyoutani was apparently just another insane server that Aobajohsai had hidden under their belt, and you could only watch the court with widened eyes when the ball flew straight past all of the players, landing on the gym floor just behind them. 

They were gaining too many points too quickly, and you really did not like the look Oikawa had plastered on his face. 

Takeda called for another time out and you bit your lip. Mad Dog was only getting better and more accurate the longer he played. This set was practically just a warm up to him, which is what worried you most. If Karasuno didn't take this set, Kyoutani would be in top condition while the rest of them struggled with stamina. Along with Kinimi’s ability to conserve energy until it’s crucial, you weren't sure if your boys could keep up.

Seijoh continued scoring points, Karasuno only being able to take back one, leaving the opposing team with a four point lead. 

Dropping your head into your hands, you closed your eyes for a second and tried your best to block out as much noise as you could manage. The stress of the past week was finally catching up to you, and you weren't sure how much longer your own stamina could last, never mind the players’. 

The whistle blew and you lifted your head back up, ignoring the pressure behind your eyes. 

Yamaguchi was stood on the edge of the court, holding a paddle that read ‘10′. You broke out into a grin, cheering as Hinata took the paddle from him and he walked onto the court. 

From what the boys had told you and from watching the recording of the last match, you knew Yamaguchi hadn't performed at his best after being subbed in, and you really did feel sorry for him. You knew how hard he had been working recently, and it was a shame that he didn't get to showcase that properly. 

The other boys were clearly trying to be careful of what they said to his, so as not to make him any more nervous, but you rolled your eyes at them.

“Tadashi! Nice serve!” He turned to look up at you and you gave him the biggest smile you could manage, making him giggle at you. 

Although, you missed the way Tsukishima turned his head to that side, just out of your view, before allowing himself to smile at your cuteness. 

Yamaguchi looked happier than he had in the last match, but he was still understandably nervous, and you crossed your fingers. He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath, and when he opened them again, he was completely focused. Your lips twitched up into a smirk.

He was ready.

The whistle blew, and Yamaguchi took his time, avoiding rushing into the serve like he had in the past. 

The ball went up, and he hit it.

It went over the net.

But it was a bit long. The libero called it out, causing him and Kyoutani to take a step back to wait for it to land. 

Although, at the last second, the ball lost momentum, dropping down and landing just before the end line, scoring them a point. 

He did it.

His first service ace. 

The team erupted into cheers, along with everyone on the bench as well as the crowd. Words couldn't express how proud you were of him, and by the looks of Shimada, the same went for him. He had been the one to train Yamaguchi, and seen him evolve over the past few months, even more than any of you, and you couldn't blame him for looking as though he were about to cry. 

The whistle blew and Yamaguchi prepared himself, eventually throwing up another toss and hitting it in the same way. Seijoh weren't underprepared for this one though, and Kyoutani stepped in to receive it, but he clearly misjudged the distance and had to move his head to the side to prevent the ball form hitting his face, instead, knocking it with his shoulder and sending it out of bounds. 

That was two aces in a row!

“Yamaguchi!” Hinata screamed out from the sidelines, and you couldn't help yourself from shouting ‘one more��� along with the entire team with the biggest smile on your face.

He was up to serve once again, and you couldn't dampen your happiness... until Seijoh actually got a hand on the ball, returning it with an overhand receive.

You scowled as you watched the panic take over Yamaguchi’s expression. You knew the high he had from the last two serves hadn't faded yet, and now all of that fear he had about being a failure was going to rush back to him. You just hoped he could keep it together, at least to react to an attack.

The ball went to Iwaizumi for a back attack and you bit your lip, gasping as the ball was spiked over the net, Yamaguchi barely receiving it with his shoulder.

Tobio dived over to keep it in the air, and then it was up to Tsukishima to get it back over. There were three blockers in his path and your hands started to shake, not wanting to lose this point. 

He somehow managed to hit it to the left with something like a feint, and you let out a breath of relief as it landed safely on the court floor, scoring them the point. 

They were just one point away from catching up now, but Aobajohsai’s coach decided to take a time out, and you all but growled in the man’s direction.

A time out may not be able to disrupt someone like Oikawa’s concentration, but there was a high chance that it would break Yamaguchi’s, especially if he was anything remotely near shaken from that receive. 

The boys, however, still looked over pumped, even when they returned to the court. Yamaguchi didn't look even the slightest bit ruffled, as you had expected him to be, and it finally kicked in that this was not the same boy you had met when first transferring to Karasuno. He had evolved, just like the rest of them, and you felt a slight tug in your chest as you began to wish that you could do the same.

The ball went up, and was soon sailing through the air. It clipped the net, a move that you soon realised was deliberate, and tipped over to the very front of Seijoh’s boundary. 

The libero dove to receive it, but wasn't fast enough, and the point brought Karasuno level with their opponents. 

Even so, you really didn't like the look that Oikawa had plastered all over his face. He was such a smug bastard; he always had been. But it always meant that he had something up his sleeve, and all of a sudden you were a lot more anxious. 

It was going to be close in scores, but Seijoh had a way of thriving in situations such as these; it had been the same back at Kitagawa First. It was impressive, but equally as infuriating. 

Yamaguchi hit another serve, and you immediately saw the panic. He hadn't hit it the way he wanted to, and it allowed the ball to be pretty easily received by Iwaizumi. 

Seijoh tried to attack, but were caught by Tsukishima, the blocker managed to get one hand on the ball, sending it spiralling into the air and allowing Karasuno to fight back. 

Asahi barrelled towards the triple block, hitting hard enough to rebound the ball off of their arms. It came back towards the court and Tanaka dove to save it, calling it out at the last second. It did indeed land outside of the border, scoring another point for Karasuno and bringing them to match point. 

Just one more. 

The next serve seemed like a good one, but Seijoh wasn't going to let anything past them now, and the libero was quick to save them with an overhead receive. 

Iwaizumi came from the back row to spike once again and you gripped the railing in anticipation, knowing how brutal his hits could be. Yamaguchi barely had time to react, the ball barely just hitting him with so much power that it knocked him to the floor. The ball ended up behind him, bouncing on the gym floor, giving Seijoh the point and bringing the two teams to a deuce. 

Yamaguchi still looked ready to score more points, but his time as a pinch server was over, and he was soon switched out, putting Hinata back into the game. Although, the rotation had finally changed, meaning he was pulled back out for Noya to take his place. 

Neither team wanted to give up, and they were soon in a sort of quarrel over the last point, Asahi scoring, then Iwaizumi. One team just couldn't get a lead over the other, maintaining their deuce. 

This continued for a couple more points, until it was finally Oikawa’s turn to serve again. There was just never a right time for him to serve, and it was unbelievably aggravating. 

You were envious of the unhindered power he was able to serve the ball with, and even Noya couldn't receive it, sending it upwards to rebound off of the balcony above. 

That point meant that Seijoh was finally at set point. 

Daichi barely managed to receive the next serve, and you held a breath as Kindaichi tried to land a direct. Tanaka was luckily there to bump it with his arm, allowing Tobio to get it up for Asahi to spike, but it was received, keeping it in play.

Iwaizumi swooped in from the back once again, spiking straight though a gap in the block and winning Seijoh the set. 

You sighed, dropping your head into your hands. In a way, you saw it coming, but you just wanted to hang onto the hope that Karasuno could win in straight sets. 

It was stressful, especially for them.

This was the decider set. 

While you enjoyed viewing the game from up on the balcony, there was a very big part of you that wanted to be down on that bench, helping them think of a way to handle the next set. Instead, you were stuck wringing your hands, unable to do much else. 

It didn't help that Seijoh’s coach looked way too comfortable for someone who’s team barely scraped the set. One wrong move and they could have given Karasuno the match in two straight sets. If you weren't already worried about everything that was already on the court, you may have been concerned that it seemed like they still had something up their sleeve.

You didn't have much more time to think about it, as the players were already walking back on the court, ready to begin the third set.

Asahi was up to serve first, but Seijoh easily received it, allowing Iwaizumi to score the first point. 

Oikawa was serving next, and you knew that everyone was thinking the same thing; cut him off. If the opponents gained the advantage this early on in the match, then there was no telling how it would go. 

The serve maintained the speed and power it had gained in the previous set, and Asahi luckily managed to get it up, only for it to travel back over the net because of the force of the rebound. Kyoutani leaped for a direct before Tanaka could block it effectively, scoring them another point. 

Oikawa was quick to deliver another of the same serve, but Daichi was ready to receive this time. It went up, and your brother wasted no time in sending it over to Tanaka for the spike. The ball hit the block, but rebounded at an awkward angle, landing outside of the court and scoring Karasuno their first point. 

Although, the relief of the point didn't last long, as Seijoh attacked right back, scoring a block out just like Tanaka had. 

It was hard not to notice Mad Dog getting a lot more irritated than you had seen him so far, and you tilted your head in interest. Whether it was on purpose or not, Tanaka seemed to be really irk him, which wasn't really surprising, since that seemed to be his main purpose when encountering other teams, but Kyoutani already seemed to have a bad temper, so it was like he was a ticking time bomb at this point. Who knows what would set him off. 

The set was another close one, even if they were only a few points in, but Karasuno could never quite take the lead. You decided to keep a close eye on Seijoh’s new addition, knowing that there was bound to be a moment where something went wrong. 

You were so distracted that you barely registered someone tossing Oikawa a ball, until you realised that he was once again up to serve. 

This one didn't seem as impressive as some of the last, and you had to resist the urge to smirk as it clipped the net, allowing the boys to counter. Tobio and Tsukishima pulled of a simple quick, but it was received, giving Seijoh another shot at a point. 

Mad Dog went in for the kill, only to be completely blocked. You felt kind of sorry for him to be honest. It seemed like he hadn't hit a clean shot this entire set so far, and you knew from experience what that could do to a spiker. 

You scowled as Tsukishima landed back on the court with the most smug look you’d ever seen on his face. Even after everything, it was still annoyingly attractive, and you hated yourself for being so distracted by it in the middle of a game. 

Kyoutani tried again to score the point back, the ball heading straight for Tsukishima, who merely stepped aside and allowed the ball to land outside of the court boundaries. 

That point meant that Karasuno had finally taken the lead. 

You knew that Tsukishima was having fun with this, but it was helping them change up the momentum, so you couldn't really complain. If there was anything that Kei was good at, it was being annoying on purpose, and it suited him stupidly well. 

Kyoutani was understandably fuming, you would be too if you were in his position. 

Seijoh was known for their strategy of subtly riling people up and then completely destroying them, and it seemed that for once, they were getting a taste of their own medicine. 

If Mad Dog completely lost it, it would cause their entire new dynamic to implode, destroying them from the inside out. 

It was slightly satisfying. 

Just as Tsukishima stepped up to serve, Seijoh’s coach called a time out, and your lips upturned into a smug smile at the look on his face. He definitely wasn't looking as calm as he did at the beginning of the set, and you knew their strategy had cracked, requiring them to think of something new already. 

Despite the break, Kyoutani continued to make mistakes on the court, and you surpassed a wince as he spiked straight into the net. 

It didn't seem like he was in a better mood either, and you frowned as he shrugged off what looked like the libero’s attempt at encouragement. 

So, really, it was no surprise when the whistle blew, you eyes drifting over to Kunimi, stood on the sidelines holding the number ‘16′ paddle, ready for a substitution.

From up on the balcony, it just looked like he was a little toddler throwing a tantrum because thing weren't going his way. Even so, you found yourself distracted from the game, watching what looked like a heated conversation unfold in the opponent’s substitution box. 

Your eyes sparkled in both shock and amusement as you watched their number six grab Kyoutani by the collar of his jersey, practically throwing him against the wall, as if he were nothing. The other players in the box had their backs turned to them, clearly too scared to get involved, which only made it more fun to watch. 

Whatever confrontation they were having, however, soon ended, and you finally brought your attention back to the actual game. Not much time had passed, and Karasuno had managed to stay ahead for the first time. 

Although, that didn't look likely to last that much longer, as Mad Dog was already being subbed back into the game. 

It was a gamble, a big one no doubt, but that’s exactly what Kyoutani was to Seijoh; his entire presence was a gamble, and yet so far, it had been worth the risk. 

Not only that, but it seemed that Oikawa was trusting him completely, no questions asked. It was cruel, but a captain knows their team best, and you knew whatever Oikawa decided was the option that benefited him and the team most. 

And, of course, it paid off. 

Kyoutani got past the block like it wasn't even there, finally scoring a clean point for Aobajohsai. 

It was an extremely minor change, and you had no doubt that whatever was said to him while he was out of the game was the cause, but he no longer looked like the odd one out of the team. He looked like he belonged; and that could only mean trouble. 

Seijoh were quick to score again, and you cursed under your breath. They were tied again now, and you knew they were extremely close to taking back the momentum.

Your boys clearly weren't going to let that happen though, a cheer ripping its way out of your throat as Asahi scored with a direct hit, literally knocking the opposing libero on his ass. 

The scored maintained their tie, up until it was Oikawa’s turn to serve yet again.

You visibly winced as Daichi received, the ball hitting his arms with unimaginable force. It wouldn't be surprising if he ended up with bruises after today. 

But you knew that Oikawa’s power was nothing compared to some other players, including Ushijima’s.

The receive wasn't perfect, however, and the ball was soon back over the net, giving their opponents a chance ball. 

You couldn't help but raise and eyebrow as Kindaichi was the one to jump for the ball this time, going a lot wider than you could remember him ever going in middle school. Either way, it got him around Tanaka and allowed him to score the point, meaning that Seijoh were now the ones ahead. 

It was amazing that Oikawa still had as much energy as he did to keep hitting serves like he sad been, especially in the third set. Even Nishinoya was struggling to receive them right, and the ball ended up closer to than the net than you knew Tsukishima liked. Not only that, but Kindaichi was stood directly opposite, ad you knew that if he spiked, it would set blocked completely. 

They ended up in a joust, but of course Tsukishima won. He was smiled about Kindaichi in terms of blocking strength, especially after what Kuroo and Bokuto had put him through at the training camp. 

The change in rotation meant that Hinata was finally up front again, and it put you at ease slightly. It seemed like forever since you had seen him score a point, but his appearance completely changed the atmosphere of the court, and you could tell even from up here that Seijoh were now on high alert. 

Tanaka managed to get a one touch on Kyoutani’s spike, and Hinata was quick to reset his position, already in the air when the ball reached your brother. 

You stiffened when you realise that he was way to close to the net, and if he touched it, the penalty he’d receive would negate the point entirely, and throw the flow off balance again.

Although, as observant and clever as ever, your brother was thinking exactly the same, and in a split second, had already found a solution, tossing the ball almost right on top of the net so Hinata could still reach. 

“Slam it down!” There were no blockers in his way, and he did exactly as he was told, the ball landing unobstructed on the court floor. 

It was a stupid set, you knew that. He was literally less than an inch away form a penalty, but Tobio had no fear, and that was one of the things that made him so impressive, something that you could never achieve as a setter. 

The adrenaline from the success of that miracle point soon dissipated as Iwaizumi scored the point right back from the boys. 

And yet, they didn't let it get to them as Tanaka took the next point.

It looked like it was going to continue to be a tug-of-war over the points, but Seijoh had other ideas, and soon, they were subbing in number six as a pinch server. 

He looked calmer than when he had pinned Kyoutani against the wall earlier, and it intrigued you, leaning a tad further over the railing subconsciously to get a better look.

He was a decent server, and managed to throw the boys’ formation off slightly, but they were in no way ready to let the ball touch the floor. Although, the spike was received by Oikawa and you raised an eyebrow as the pinch server stood in as setter. Kyoutani was up to spike again, and easily got through, scoring another point. 

It took a second for it to sink in that he had actually hit with his left hand. While it was a rare skill to have, and certainly impressive, it was a little bit concerning. Players with the ability to completely control their body were the most difficult to deal with, and Mad Dog was already a troubling player. 

A smug smile made its way to your face as Hinata scored with a feint, Seijoh’s pinch server ending up over the centre line from having dove to save the ball. That point once again kept the two teams tied, and also meant that their pinch server’s time on the court was over.

The boys right now were probably the most concentrated you had ever seen them so far, and it made you slightly anxious. here had always been an air of lightheartedness to their practices, and even their matches most of the time, so the sheer aura of determination on the court was overwhelming. 

After a painfully long rally, Tobio ended up being just a hair short of receiving the ball, meaning that Seijoh scored and hit twenty points first. 

It was just one point, and given how the rest of the game had been going, they’d earn it back straight away, but it was worrying you how they would take it mentally. 

Something about hitting twenty points first always shifted the atmosphere in the game, and you knew that from personal experience. For now, they just needed to keep going. 

Kyoutani was up to serve again, and as he jumped, you lent forward slightly to get a better view. It awed you how he was able to arch his body so much. it gave an amazing amount of power to his hit, and sort of reminded you of Lev’s whip-like technique. 

Daichi received the ball with ease, and Tanaka was the one to spike it over, the libero missing it by inches. 

It brought Karasuno back to a tie with Aobajohsai, and allowed the rotation to change. 

The whistle blew, and you sucked in a breath as you saw Yamaguchi once again stood at the boundary of the court holding the number ‘10′ paddle. 

Like the rest of the boys, he looked deadly serious, and you crossed your fingers, hoping that he could pull of something like he did earlier and get them ahead by a couple points. 

The first serve was aimed at Kyoutani, and you noticed the hesitation about whether to call it out or not, after what had happened the last time. At the last second, he decided to receive, but clearly misjudged the ball’s flight pattern, instead just brushing it with his fingers. 

All of a sudden, Iwaizumi shot out from wherever he had been positioned in this rotation, digging the ball and putting it back into play.  

You all but growled, knowing how close that had been to touching the floor. 

The libero got the last hit, sending it back over to the boys for Tanaka to receive. 

They immediately launched into a synchronised attack, all four spikers running at once towards the net. Asahi was the one to hit, but was almost blocked, the ball rebounding to the side and being received by Iwaizumi yet again. 

He really was at the top of his game today. 

The spiker who hit managed to trick the blockers with a feint, meaning that Seijoh scored and cut Yamaguchi’s serves off at just one. 

He looked visibly angry, and you couldn't blame him. The fact that Iwaizumi had received it, let alone both of those times, was practically a miracle, but then again, he wasn't the ace for nothing. 

Both teams scored points one after the other, going back and forth up until it was finally Oikawa’s turn to serve. 

You froze as the captain looked up from the ball, your hands beginning to tremble as you noticed his expression. You knew what that look was; you’d hung around the boys’ practice enough in middle school to see what came after  a look like that. 

The ball hit the floor so fast that even you couldn't follow it, eyes wide and jaw slack. You felt your knees weaken and you had to grip the railing so hard you knuckled bloomed white. 

That meant Seijoh was finally two points ahead and at set point. 

Unsurprisingly, a time out was called and you let out a breath that you didn't even know you were holding. You had never been so desperate for something to break the flow of a match as you had been right in that moment. 

A quick look at the team told you that most of them didn't look too worried, but you knew that was just a front. 

The time out was over before you knew it, and Oikawa managed to hit another unbelievable serve, your heart dropping as you resisted the urge to close your eyes. 

Daichi stepped in as he always did, the ball hitting his forearms so hard that he tumbled backwards with the force. 

The ball was up!

They had a chance!

Asahi swooped in from the back, hitting the ball straight through the opponents block and scoring the point.

While it was a good thing, since it ended Oikawa’s serve, Seijoh were still at match point and the change in rotation meant Noya was now out of the court, lowering the team’s defence considerably.

Your worry was soon almost non-existent, as Sugawara walked onto the court, being subbed for Tsukishima. If there was anyone who could level the mood and throw Aobajohsai off of their game, it was him.

The serve was aimed at one of the back corners of the court, but was received overhead by Iwaizumi, his defence skills not wavering even for a second. 

Kindaichi jumped for the ball, but at the last second, Mad Dog appeared out of nowhere, the ball ultimately going to him.

Tobio was the only blocker in position, and it looked like he was going to have to face that killer spike alone until Hinata practically jumped into his side, pushing him over in mid-air to get a hand on the ball. 

His hand was forced back from the power, but he had blocked it none the less and it landed at the back of the court, the libero diving for it unsuccessfully. 

That point brought Karasuno to a deuce. 

Suga served again, and this time it barely made it into the boundary. Although, it threw Seijoh’s formation off, and you grinned as Iwaizumi stumbled forward. 

The spike hit the top of the net, missing the block completely and almost falling into the front of the court when Sugawara dove for it, somehow managing to dig it. 

You silently prayed that Tobio didn't use Hinata for the next attack, because it was beyond predictable, and Seijoh had apparently used that against them in their last match. 

The spikers set out running, preparing for a synchronised attack. 

“Bring it to me!” Hinata leaped for the ball...

For Tobio to dump it over the net. 

You gaped in complete disbelief. Did... did your brother actually use his head? Against Aobajohsai?

The team rushed over to him, and you continued to just stare at the court. You couldn't imagine how furious Oikawa had to be. He had been the one to run for the ball, barely missing it.

The point put Karasuno in the lead once again.

Just one more. 

A timeout was called and you drew a long breath. The pause in momentum gave you enough time to calm down as much as the boys did, and allowed yourself to space out for a moment. 

You had always hated games like this, but having not watched or played one in a while, you had forgotten just how stressful it was.

Zoning back in, your eyes subconsciously drifted over to Tsukishima, only to see him already staring right back at you. Immediately straightening up, you raised an eyebrow at him. He tilted his head to the side slightly and stared at you for a few more seconds before returning to the mini meeting that the rest of the team were having. 

It was almost as if you had just had a completely silent conversation, but you had no idea what was said.

Shaking your head, you swallowed heavily as the whistle blew once more, signalling it was time to restart the game. 

Suga served to the front of the court again, causing Iwaizumi to stumble forward, just like he had before the time out. 

Mad dog went in for a cross shot, but Tanaka was ready, and you had to seriously resist the urge to laugh as he received it with his forehead. 

Nevertheless, it was up, and it gave them the chance to counter attack. 

The setters switched places, and you clutched the railing as the decoys jumped, Asahi eventually being the one to get the spike straight through the blockers.

Although, it was received once again, and you found yourself holding your breath at the tension in the air, created by the rally. 

The ball flew off court, and your eyes followed Oikawa as he ran after it, desperate not to let it touch the floor. 

You found yourself dropping your jaw as he jumped, rotating his body in order to set the ball for all the way out of the court, an astounding distance away from any spikers. It was a wonder he had any strength left at all after three close sets, let alone enough to pull off a set that broad. 

You winced as the captain continued to fly backwards, crashing into a table, but he still managed to get back on his feet to sprint back to the court. 

Iwaizumi spiked the ball, and Daichi managed to receive it, but it was way off.

One of the Seijoh coaches began to celebrate, but stopped in his tracks when he saw Tanaka diving for the ball, only just managing to dig it. 

Asahi hit it all the way from the back line, reminding you of the trick that Terushima had pulled off not too long ago.

The ball was received, but it was sent straight into the net, causing it to lose its momentum completely and began falling to the floor.

However, Kyoutani was there to get it up and Tobio jumped for a direct, only to be stopped by Kindaichi. 

You gasped as the ball was sent flying straight into Sugawara’s head causing him to fall backwards.

“Give it to me!” Hinata sprinted towards the net screaming, and you held your breath. It was predictable, you knew that, and Seijoh knew that too, but he needed to land this, for closure and for the win. 

Of course, their opponents had read the set up like a book, and the small spiker was met with a triple block, but you knew he wasn't about to let that get to him, especially not now that it mattered so much.

The ball hit Kindaichi’s hand, causing the ball to spiral, but Oikawa was already in position, ready to receive. 

Even so, the ball barely brushed his forearms, continuing on, travelling far behind him.

After a hellish rally...

The ball finally landed on the court.

There was silence in the gym for a long moment, until it erupted into cheers once again. 

Karasuno had won.

Tobio and Oikawa stared at each other through the net, their rivalry finally at its end. 

That was his last high school match. 

Drawing your eyes away from the two, you brought yourself to move, making your way down to the court as quickly as you could while they did their line up.

You made it to the team just as Noya and Hinata leaped at the team, tackling all of them to the floor. Giggling at the heap of boys, you decided to wait to speak to them until they calmed down a bit. 

Instead, you walked right across the gym, towards the opposite team.

Some of the boys noticed you, watching as you walked towards them, the ones that didn't know you slightly confused at your appearance. 

You stop a fair distance away from them, staring at them for a moment before finally letting a small smile make its way onto your face, bowing your head in respect. 

“That was a great game. You did well.” A few players gulped, looking away as they began to cry again, some others giving you appreciative looks. Oikawa stepped forward, not close, but enough to separate himself from the group. 

“Does this mean you’re not mad at me anymore, Rei-chan?” You laughed at him, bringing his usual cheeky grin back to his pretty face. 

“I’ll think about it, Tooru.” His brief joy faded into a sad smile, and bowed back at you, prompting the other players that knew you to do the same. 

You gave them all one last look before turning and making your way back to your own team. 

They had made it to the finals.

One more step to go. 

~~~

*buzz*

You jumped at the sudden vibration of your phone, almost causing the glass of juice you were holding to slip from your grasp. 

Looking at the notification quickly, you noticed that it was a text from Tsukishima, prompting you to place down your glass and pick up your phone to see what it said. 

sodium chloride ;P:

can we talk? in person?

You swallowed, train of thought halting in its tracks. 

Was it really the best idea to be seeing him right now? It was late, and there was the biggest match they’d ever had in the morning, and after everything that had happened in the past week, you didn't actually know if you could handle it if an argument broke out. 

With a sigh, you rolled your eyes, already knowing that no matter what excuse you gave yourself, you were going to say yes. 

You needed to see him. You missed him. And you hated it. 

Texting him back, you pulled on a jacket, and slipped out of your room, already walking out of the front door when he text you back, telling you to meet him at the park not far from your house. 

It was already late, and even though it was a short walk, it was practically pitch black by the time you got there. He was already waiting for you on the swings, his slumped form illuminated by a nearby streetlight. 

He looked slightly shocked when he looked up to see you there, the sound of your footsteps on the gravel alerting him to your presence. If he was honest, he’d say that he didn't actually believe you’d show up, yet here you were, a hard look on your face, hands stuffed deep into your pockets. 

You lowered yourself onto the swing next to his, hands loosely hanging on the chains as you rocked yourself back an forth gently, attention turned upwards. The sky wasn’t as pretty as it usually was, dark clouds blocking the twinkle of the stars, barely just letting a few slivers of moonlight through the gaps.

You were evidently still mad at him, judging by the silence that settled over the both of you, but he couldn't blame you.

He’d been a dick, quite frankly. 

He just hoped you had it in you to forgive him.

“My biggest fear is putting my entire trust into someone, only for them to throw it away, as if it never mattered in the first place.” Your eyes shot over to him as he stared at the ground, completely avoiding your gaze. It was confusing for a second, until you remembered the conversation you had started with him that one night a few weeks ago, on your way home from his brother’s practice. You had asked him what his biggest fear was, and he couldn't give you an answer then, but he was now. 

You continued to stare at him in shock until he sighed, lifting his head up to glance at you before elaborating. 

“My brother was the ace of his team in middle school, and when he moved up to Karasuno, I thought that would stay the same, and he told me it had. But he never let me go to any games. Eventually, I went to one without him knowing. He wasn't on the court, and he wasn't even in the box. He was across the gym from me, staring at me from the other side of the stands.” With wide eyes, you sucked in a breath, watching as he clenched his hands in his lap. 

“He lied to me for so long, while I was out there bragging that my brother was the ace of a powerhouse school.” He turned his attention over to you, looking you straight in the eyes with a distraught expression on his face. It pained you to see him so upset, and it was the fist time you had ever seen him so vulnerable. But you couldn't bring yourself to say anything. 

“I like you too, Rei. So fucking much. But I didn't want to risk that happening again. I’m sorry.” As much. as you still wanted to be mad at him with how he treated you, you smiled at him, sighing as you watched the relief fill his eyes. 

Not being able to find the words to reply, you let the silence settle between the two of you once again, both of you looking up at the sky to see a few stars peeking out from behind the clouds. 

You tentatively reached your hand out towards his, brushing against it before linking your pinky fingers together. 

Tsukishima looked down at your intertwined fingers and smiled to himself, taking the chance to stare at you while you were distracted by the stars. 

You eventually caught him, and giggled as he blushed, absolutely teasing the hell out of him for it. 

Almost everything was finally back in it’s place. 

Your life was finally back on track. 

J: fun fact - this chapter takes the total word count to almost 71,000 words which is roughly the length of a full novel!

taglist: @iamthepenguinwhosearseisonfire, @loreblackthorne, @tchalameme, @lorentime, @influxencer, @enagmaticether, @nerdstuff1994, @keikink, @centinoahs, @ewwis, @flwrjxx, @ciaobella943, @tinymouth, @strawberrykeiii

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[toartemis]

Come on Love, Draw Your Swords - Prologue

Part 4 of The Moon’s Serenade series. Feel free to read this on Ao3.

Summary: 

Sing to me, Moonlight For you, dear, are honey-tongued I dream just for you.

Or: The one where Jude finds out she's pregnant, and Cardan begins collecting a thousand plants.

Word Count: 2,352

Warnings:  There is a brief description of vomiting in this part, if you're uncomfortable with that and would like to skip it, stop reading at “Almost too late,...” and continue at “This is another reason why…”

Preview: 

She doesn’t remember why it began, but it had something to do with not wanting to be closed up indoors, or feeling anxious and jittery. Perhaps both. From then, it became something she liked even when she felt perfectly fine.

Jude has not felt fine lately.

----------

This morning is the same as the last ones have been. Dew lies softly on the ground. Birds sing their brittle songs. The heavy, late-summer air shifts around Jude as she sprints down paved roads, sweat rolling down her neck, heart pumping. Her sneakers grip the gravel just right as she propels herself forward, forcing her body faster and faster. Jude loves running, she started doing it regularly three years ago when she would visit Vivi in the mortal world. She doesn’t remember why it began, but it had something to do with not wanting to be closed up indoors, or feeling anxious and jittery. Perhaps both. From then, it became something she liked even when she felt perfectly fine.

Jude has not felt fine lately.

She arrived at Vivi’s house a week ago, a month or so earlier than they had planned for her to. It was unannounced, but Vivi and her latest girlfriend, Aleena, didn’t seem to mind. They let her take the guest bedroom with no questions asked, which worked well for Jude because she had no answers to give.

She’s been restless. Jude knows something is off with herself, but she hasn’t been able to pinpoint the reason. It’s kept her awake for so many days she’s begun to lose count. Cardan has noticed, and is convinced it has to do with a recent fight they had. It was ugly and loud, but they made up quickly, and Jude paid no mind to it after. She thought for a short time that it might have to do with the pressure of ruling, but dismissed it eventually because she genuinely feels comfortable with her status now.

Six years have passed since she’s been the High Queen. In that time, the unrest at Jude’s position has dwindled. There are still the occasional threats, but no more than there are to the High King himself. Most of the Folk have come to terms with her, or have been thoroughly distracted by the many feasts and revels the over time to care much. At one point, a small war was fought between the Crown and a sizable group of those opposing their rule, and it was won after mere months. Oak returned, for what was supposed to be permanently, sometime over a year ago. Cardan and Jude, with palpable tension, were nevertheless fully ready to step down so that he may take the throne, as promised.

He refuses to rule to this day, and splits his time between the mortal world and Faerie, claiming he wants nothing to do with being king.

So Cardan and Jude have continued to reign side by side. Jude is happier than she could ever hope to describe, despite the pull in her gut that tells her something isn’t quite right anymore.

Her thighs shake, the burn scorching through to her feet. Her fingers have gone numb, and she stumbles to a stop in front of Vivi’s front lawn. As she laces her fingers behind her head, sucking in air, she begins to walk up the driveway.

Inside, no one is awake yet. Jude grabs a glass of water, and a short glance at the clock on the microwave tells her it’s 8:13 AM. Jude left at 5:30. Her eyes squeeze shut as she attempts to calm her breathing, but her heartbeat is still wild behind her ribs. She can feel the lingering flush on her skin The sweat on her body turns cold and sticky too quickly.

Almost too late, she recognizes what’s going to happen.

She’s in the bathroom down the hall in seconds, slamming the door behind her, hunching over the toilet, the back of her throat becoming wet before an overwhelming wave of nausea has her gagging, throwing up the water she just drank.

This is another reason why she’s been on edge: bouts of nausea. It has been happening for over a month and trying to hide it from Cardan was getting to be too tiring. That’s how she found herself in the mortal world earlier than scheduled. Jude’s never had a problem like this before and she’s been chalking it up to stress, but the longer it goes on, the less sure she is about it. About anything, really.

At some point, Vivi knocks on the door.

“Jude?” Her voice is tired and annoyed. “Are you throwing up again?”

Jude wipes at her mouth and leans her cheek against her arm across the toilet. “Go away.”

“That’s the fourth time this week,” Vivi says. Jude can hear footsteps outside the bathroom and harsh whispers, before they recede. She doesn’t know how long she sits there on the floor, but she feels groggy and frustrated, and after all that’s been going on, she wants to cry.

There’s another knock on the door. Jude lifts her head as Aleena walks in, all long legs and deep, dark skin. She kneels before Jude with a bag in her hands, worry etched across the smooth skin of her face. Her winged eyeliner is sharp and bright yellow.

“Are you alright?” She asks softly, pressing the back of her hand to Jude’s forehead. Jude really likes Aleena, she’s sweet, brilliant, and doesn’t put up with Vivi’s shit. She also doesn’t mind the whole Faerie thing. “How’s the Queen doing?”

Jude huffs a small laugh and gives her a tired smile. “I’m fine. Just pushed myself too hard, I suppose.”

Aleena raises an eyebrow. After a moment, she says, “These are from Vi and me. Come out when you’re ready,” and she leaves, gently shutting the door behind her. Jude looks down at the bag she’s left her with and hesitates before reaching for it.

As soon as she processes what the contents of the bag are, the color drains from her face and she’s immediately embarrassed.

The boxes stare back at her, intimidating and filling her with a sense of dread.

That’s —

Jude drops the bag, her hands shaking. She takes a deep breath, then another, and dares to look down again, and, yes, those are most definitely what she thinks they are. Humans use them to test for pregnancy.

Heat takes over her. It shouldn’t be possible, they’ve been too busy to spend that much time together recently save for some early walks and lounging around, and then the unsettling feeling Jude’s suffering from started and things between them became slightly strained. She can’t remember if they—

No, wait, yes, there was one time, recently —

Shit.

Her body stills as it dawns on her that there really could be a possibility. It was a few months ago, maybe. They had just woken up, and the gentle touching slowly turned to soft kisses, which turned to sleepy sex and Jude had honestly forgotten about it completely.

Panic pierces through her and she tears open the first box, the two tests inside falling into her palm. She doesn’t know exactly how to use them, but she can guess, and after the quickest skim over the instructions, Jude is yanking her tight leggings down and sticking one between her legs.

The waiting is the hardest part. Jude doesn’t usually bite her nails, but she finds herself chewing on them and goes to gulp water from the sink instead as a distraction. Pacing only gets her so far in the small room, shoes squeaking against the small tiles and padding over the bath mat near the toilet over and over again. She can hear her sister in the kitchen, presumably pouring bowls of cereal. Anxiety rushes in her chest, spiking in her fingers. She might throw up again.

Finally, she can’t stand waiting any longer. Jude snatches the test from the counter and tries to give herself a second to breathe before looking.

Her stomach drops.

Oh.

She doesn’t let herself think. Tears spring to her eyes involuntarily as she rips open the next test and repeats her process, pressing on her bladder.

Jude doesn’t notice the time passing now, she keeps her gaze trained on the wall in front of her until the results show up.

Sure enough, there’s a faint line glaring up at her, just like the last one.

Oh, no.

Her mind goes blank. She wrenches the door open, marching right by Aleena and Vivi to the fridge. They watch as she gulps as many glasses of water as she can, not saying a word. Then she barricades herself in the bathroom again as soon as she sets her cup down. Jude doesn’t leave until the other box of tests are sitting on the counter, four in total with soft pink symbols all telling her the same thing.

Her fear comes slow as reality sets in, then all at once.

No, no, no, no —

Jude’s back hits the wall, and then she’s sliding to the ground, her head in her hands, and all she can think is: this can’t be happening, I can’t have a baby, I won’t be a good mother, what will I tell Cardan?

Cardan.

“Fuck,” she whispers. And suddenly, her thoughts jump right into what her next steps should be. She purposely doesn’t think about what will come later, setting those aside to freak out about another time. Right now, she’s going to view this as a problem she needs to fix. She blots at sweat she didn’t realize had gathered on her face before she stands. Her feet have taken her back out the door before she really processes it. Then, she’s standing in the kitchen again, exhaustion weighing on her shoulders, Aleena and her sister looking at her expectantly.

“I’m pregnant,” she says without any warning, no real emotion behind it. A flash of amusement crosses Vivi’s face, and Aleena looks sympathetic. There’s a lengthy pause where none of them say a word, Jude’s announcement hanging thick in the air between them. Vivi clears her throat.

“Well, no surprise there,” she says, and Aleena slaps her on the shoulder.

“I don’t know what to... “ Jude trails off. She’s floundering right now, which is a state no one ever gets to see her in. “What to tell him,” she finishes, hating the vulnerability of her words.

Aleena crosses the kitchen to stand before her and takes her hands. “Just tell him the truth.”

Jude laughs stiffly. It’s funny, because though Aleena likes Cardan, every time they’re in the same room they bicker, and she calls him a drama queen. Jude wonders how Aleena would handle telling a melodramatic mythical creature that she’s pregnant with his child.

“That’s easier said than done,” she says, pulling her hands from Aleena and taking her hair out of her ponytail, combing her hands through the strands. She sighs. “How do you tell the bratty High King of Elfhame he’s going to be a father?”

Vivi snorts. Jude folds her arms in front of her.

“I’m sure he’ll take it like everyone else would,” Aleena offers.

“But Cardan has never given any indication he wants children, we always— he just—” Jude is gesturing now, words tumbling out of her mouth uncharacteristically. “His past wasn’t very — oh, damn, I just don’t know what to do.”

It isn’t until Vivi touches her, hands on her shoulders and pulling her into her arms that Jude stops rambling. They don’t get this close very often.

“It’ll be okay,” she says, voice low and confident, ”Just tell him, he’ll be fine. He loves you, you know that.”

Jude relaxes a bit. She knows Vivi is right. She needs to tell him, then they will announce it to the Court. The thought makes her queasy all over again, but she knows there will surely be some who are pleased that the High King and Queen will have an heir. After that… Well, she hasn’t gotten that far. If she thinks about it, she’ll absolutely lose it.

“Right,” she mumbles into Vivi’s shoulder before pulling away, straightening her posture, trying to compose herself. “I’m going to go. I have to… I have to go and tell him.”

Aleena looks alarmed. “Right now? Are you sure you wouldn’t want to stay and get him to come here? Summon him, or something?”

“No,” Jude says, “I want to go home. I need to go home.”

"Should I come with you?" Vivi asks. Jude shakes her head and steps away, a sudden, deep longing spreading through her chest. She's disoriented, this all feels unreal, like she's watching it happen from outside her body.

“Okay,” Aleena says, understanding in her eyes. She steps up next to her girlfriend and takes her hand. “Do you need to get anything ready?”

“No, I have everything I need, you know all of my mortal belongings stay here."

She's in a true rush to leave. It's strange. Minutes ago she wasn’t sure when she would ever go. The whiplash should be startling to her, but it isn’t.

Jude does grab Nightfell from the guest room and throws away the pregnancy tests, but aside from that, she really has nothing else with her. She’ll return in her dirty tank top and pants; she doesn’t care, she just needs to get back.

She leaves swiftly, giving a hug to Aleena and a nod to Vivi before striding toward the front door of the house. As she closes it behind her, Aleena calls after her.

“Jude!”

She looks back over her shoulder, butterflies fluttering in her belly, and meets Aleena’s dark eyes.

“Congratulations,” she says with a big smile and soft eyes. The flash of anxiety is back, and Jude tries her hardest to appreciate that Aleena is trying to make her feel better. She barely manages a smile.

“Yeah,” says Vivi, “You better make me the godmother, or something.”

And though it’s full of nerves, Jude laughs, then shuts the door. She wishes she could go back in time to when she woke this morning, but the last thirty minutes have felt so pivotal. It's almost as if she knew change was going to come. Her life, as insane as it already is, has just taken a turn once more.

----------

Okay, this is a rough start, but there’s a good chance I’ll be coming back through and refining/updating. I’m really excited to post the later chapters, though! 

Thanks for reading!

[literalbuzzkill]

Below I'm gonna vent so y'all can ignore that XD

I'm basically making this post as a timestamp/reminder for myself about Covid2020 and what I had to deal with during it (even though it's still a relentlessly ongoing problem, as of Jan2021, yikes)

Below is my personal experience in switching from working everyday as an essential retail worker to now a stay at home unemployed/leave of absense person. Don't feel bad about not reading it, it's long, boring, and I can't really expect anyone to actually be interested because the struggle is real and who wants to be reminded of the grim reality we can't currently escape? XD

[The Start:]

I was still working retail up until a few months ago because most people left. And being short staffed already before covid at my store, things became an even worse unmanageable nightmare because they started to work the remaining staff to death because no one really knew what to do which sucked and everyone was rightfully afraid of what was happening all around them, plus everyone internally was hoping that this would all blow over in a decent amount of time and we could all return to normal and never speak of it again. Considering Covid started around late January/early February in 2019 and today's date (for my future reference) is Jan 4th 2021, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it certainly has not blown over in a decent amount of time like originally hoped for. Oof.

I was a closer but because of covid my job turned into 'every position at the store and everything/anything that you can possibly get done'. All the stuff from morning team, mid shift, and nightshift rolled into one. Cashiering, phone calls, cleaning, ship from store, backroom, covering multiple breaks, and every department on hardlines salesfloor,

(I did everything except for guest services, food service, clothing, and hr)

you name it XD because most people abandoned ship and Yeeted (which I dont blame them for, t'was a big mood) our store did not hire replacements until literally a few months ago. After I left. Nice.

We were not getting paid any extra, having to stay late, running around with an unending unfinishable list, having to deal with rude customers and cranky bosses, full 8+hour shifts having to wear a mask (even in the break room, and sometimes missing breaks all together because of the large work load) Another problem, my job did not supply masks, proper cleaning supplies, gloves etc to us until an unacceptable amount of time had passed since the start of the virus. Now I didn't expect them to be stocked and fully prepared immediately, obviously.

It was also pretty frustrating getting reprimanded by customers when supplies were low everywhere and some things necessary for existing safely could not be bought anywhere due to high demand, which was only natural, but some people actually acted like it was our personal fault for the store for being sold out of things like hand sanitizer, masks, gloves, toilet paper, and even accused us for holding it in the back for ourselves (which wasnt the case, customers are top priority at our store so the workers usually got nothing to take home or buy, even if we had pulled it from the truck or stocked it ourselves.)

Aside from the excessive draining from normal retail where we already suffer from Karen's and the often unpleasant general public, the Rona made the daily grind even more intense, as if we already thought it couldn't get any worse.

Straying away from that for a second, personal lives were now also affected greatly. Added on top of this new fear/caution/lifestyle was not being able to see my fiance or his family for months because they are all at very high risk. (Unfortunately I am too, but I really needed the paycheck so I thought I had to keep working until the inevitable, which was not looked forward to, but as long as I was potentially exposed with my job we all had to be apart unless I decided to quit and risk not having enough money to pay my bills or survive.)

(Side note for context: My fiance and I have been very lucky enough to see eachother almost every day for 4 years. Surprisingly we have not gotten sick of eachother yet and kept up with that regularity. And though we are engaged, we dont live together, but we do only live 15 minutes away so we just drive over to eachother everyday. Anyway, point being that going months without seeing him at all killed me internally hardcore. This was before zoom was popular and we were not about to resort to Skype. His parents are older and closer to me than my own family and were not comfortable with any form of in-person visits so we usually just did phone calls.)

And eventually I gave up,

I made it halfway through this pandemic working everyday, not seeing the only people I considered family, and I couldn't do it anymore. It literally didn't feel human.

Not to mention this did not help whatsoever with my pre-existing problems, bad depression, anxiety, ptsd, Self h, etc... it was all just getting way too out of hand with more stress piling up daily and taking too big a toll on me to the point where I couldn't deal with my regular lifestyle anymore. I needed a break and a change to severely turn myself around.

So a few months ago I finally went on leave of absence and it was the hardest thing for me to do but honestly the best thing I did. Because everything was so uncertain and I worried about how helpful unemployment would be towards my bills, if I'd lose my job for being gone too long due to an open ended leave of absense for the sake of my health/safety, and honestly I loved my job and my coworkers, but many of them had already left so at that point it became easier for me to leave.

I'm currently making more on unemployment than my job was paying my bi-weekly and doing leagues better mentally, emotionally, and physically, than before when I thought I could last the whole time working through covid hoping I wouldn't catch it and probably die because my health is not 100% gucci in the first place. I was too stubborn to quit until I got to a breaking point and then realised that putting my health/life on the line when I'm at risk during a pandemic for literally no reason other than feeling bad for my one really kind boss (who ended up leaving for a better job anyway right after I left)

in my brain the whole time I figured "eh if I die then I die" but there was a major upside to saying "you know what, fuck this" and leaving.

I've gotten to take up hobbies and do things that I've wanted to do for like 10 years, I improved my financial situation, bought my dream car(A 2004Crossfire), got engaged to the love of my life, had more time to read, write, learn, create, help my fiance record his first official music video, support smaller businesses, get back in better physical health, regain stability, and a new respect for life, health, friends, family, acts of kindness, and how easy things used to be before covid and how it was unintentionally taken for granted.

Not gonna lie, at first I was pretty mad that people on unemployment made more than essential workers, but I also knew that it wasn't their fault for their personal situations or reasonings for needing it. The problem was mainly that many Companies/jobs could have done more, treated essential workers better, given more help, compensated financially, offered forms of protectionagaint the virus, or done literally anything extra at all to help employees who were struggling or who stay to continue working there during a terrible pandemic, and some companies/jobs have done good things for their workers in response of the outbreak which is awesome.

Workers should absolutely be compensated for their extra efforts, time, and pleasant attitude in this difficult time, and treated better than they are. Some things should 1000% be different but some things in this world are still a work in progress.

And also, for people with health issues that are at risk but working anyway for whatever reason, there shouldn't be any shame felt for taking care of yourself or by the people who have to go on unemployment, those who can't work, lost their jobs, need help or a break, or just can't do it anymore, because it hits hard when you realise that even though your effort is important and you're doing your best, playing an important role in society, you could also be risking your health/life or even possibly someone you live withs, for a company that will replace you pretty easily if you're suddenly gone.

I worked at my store for 4 years, was extremely hard working and did everything and anything I could to stay as long as I could during this, but I realised that I'd rather not risk myself and be treated how I was.

Ultimately, the sad reality is that covid has some people forgetting that humans (whether working or not) are humans too that can die or fail at any time given the current circumstances. Some situations are unavoidable like a pandemic, but we can do our best with whatever reality we meet, whether it's being essential the whole way through like some are able, and knowing your health well enough to be able to judge what's best for you individually for now.

but regardless making sure you're not taking yourself for granted in the process.

I'm lucky enough to not have gotten covid yet, and I hope it stays that way.

If your job isnt doing what it can for you in this time, dont be too stubborn about staying

Its not worth risking yourself for your job honestly, and I really hope peoples jobs do as much as they can for those they employ.

If you aren't working, do something with your time that you'll remember (safe things obviously) and if you are still working keep up the awesome progress, stay safe, and be blessed. ❤

[flerghwrites]

Wickedly Domestic

Hello! 

Welcome to the John Wick/OC fanfic I’ve been working on for months. This is a slowburn with eventual smut. So we will get there.  

                                                            -

There is a consistent thunk, thunk, thunk of her roommates bed hitting the wall. Despite a whole floor separating them she could still hear the sounds of her roommate getting fucked into next week, literally. Usually Maria wouldn’t care that her roommates late at night shenanigans would run into the next morning but, there was more at stake on the agenda today than usual. Maria pressed her pillow over her ears and looked at her phone; it was almost 4 am Monday morning.

There was a meeting in downtown New York that she had to attend, which the commute was a little more intense then she usually had to deal with. Living and working in a suburb outside of New York City allowed for a stress and traffic free drive to work, usually 15 minutes or less, but driving into the city always was a hassle, that drive tends to be close to an hour. Maria rubbed at her eyes and unlocked her phone, she still had 3 hours before she had to be downtown. She felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, this meeting was with the CEO. Those kinds of meetings either ended up in promotion or termination, she buried her face into her pillow. She could still hear the thunk and a few giggles from her roommate and company. Considering she was already up and too anxious to go back to bed she might as well get her workout in now instead of later.

Heaving herself up and out of bed with a groan she let out a yawn before looking around for her workout clothes. Pulling on her leggings and finding a clean shirt she fished around her room for her headphones. Despite living in New York state for a little over 3 months now she still hasn’t completely unpacked. Moving boxes were still stacked around the room and there was a stack of art needing to be hung up.

She wasn’t planning on moving when she did, the roommate who was busy getting fucked, offered her a place to stay. All she had to do was pay utilities and cook for the house once a week. The home had been a surprise to her roommate Cooper. An estranged great Aunt had willed it over to her, Cooper was already living in New York, and the full ride she received was barely enough to cover the dorm she had to split with 2 other people. When she was contacted by lawyers telling her she is now a proud homeowner and didn’t have to worry about student loans for the rest of her life.

One of the first things she did was reach out to Maria. Cooper was well aware of the tension at home, brewing in Maria’s family since they met in high-school. Unfortunately she had first hand seen more tear stained faces and frustration that Maria was put through. They spoke often and were close, promising to push each other to do amazing things. Sometimes amazing things means moving across the country but their love and friendship didn’t diminish over the distance. So offering the room

All Maria had to do was fund the move and drive 30 hours across the country. Dying to get out of the town she has spent her whole life, as well as always loving the east coast, she packed up, put in her two weeks at her current job and submitted an application to anywhere within a 10 mile radius of her new address. She thanked the stars when a local bank picked up her application and allowed for Skype and phone interviews, giving her the job before she even moved out there. She was introduced to her coworkers through a group chat and she fell into her role easily before she even met them in person.

The hardest part had been leaving old friends, leaving her family on the other hand had been a blessing. Her father and his side of the family had always been hard to please and any relationship with them over the last couple of years had been more of a formality than anything else. Her mother was a different story, tears were shed and a few fights were had due to this hasty decision on moving across the country. Maria’s mother had always wanted more for her daughter than what she currently had but packing up and leaving across the country in less than a month gave her mother bad feelings. Her mother backed off and gave Maria her blessing once she got her job, knowing how stubborn her daughter is once she puts her mind to something.

Her siblings had felt the same way, constant calls and texts were exchanged during the long drive while everyone was proud and knew she would be better for the move. It still hurt, promising to visit during holidays and letting them stay over if they ever visited. But it was like ripping off a bandaid. It had to be done or else it festers and could lead to infection, staying stagnant had been driving her crazy.

Once changed and headphones found under some papers she had been reviewing at her desk, she slid them over her ears and made her way upstairs, closing the door and making sure it was locked behind her. Her cat had the habit of running outside and getting lost or turning up at the local shelter and the last thing she needed was to also be worrying about her cat while she was working in the city.

She jogged down to the gate and opened it before she got into her car and made her way to the nature preserve just a few minutes away from her home. She could have ran there but she wasn’t quite ready to commit to the workout while the air was so chilly. By the time she has parked and started her stretches the world had started to wake up around her, birds chirping and the distant sounds of honking while she tried to figure out what playlist she wanted to run to. Deciding on something beat heavy she started down the trail that would lead over the swamp, it had been a while since she had run outside, usually opting to do her cardio in a class setting or on a treadmill while she binges whatever series she is watching on Netflix at the moment.

She was only half a mile in the trail before she had to stop for a moment. Her “ultra support” sports bra did not help as much as she hoped, having big tits was a blessing and a curse. They made working out hell on earth but it got her more free drinks at the bar then she would like to admit. But it also kept her from being able to run as much as she would like to before she has to stop and readjust.

She pulled out her phone and checked the time, quarter past 5 am, she still had time. She could do a mile before she went home and showered and get ready for a grueling day. She paused her music, taking deep breaths before she started up again, she thought she heard rustling behind her. Which despite being close to the city the swamp held more wildlife than she thought it would. She sat and listened, chancing a glance behind her. The sun was nearly up but running by herself in public always put her on edge. There was always the chance of someone grabbing her and doing whatever they would like to her, she shuddered and unlocked her phone, sending her location and a text as to when she would be back to the roommate group chat. Just in case she were to get snatched up at least her roommates would know where she was last.

She started up again, turning her music up all the way to drown out her heavy breathing and the sound of her feet hitting the trail. It wasn’t until she was almost across one of the many bridges in the nature preserve stretching her calf muscles when she felt something warm and slimy against the skin of her leg. She screamed and pulled her head phones off, looking down to see if she had unknowingly picked up a slug or if some creep had managed to sneak up on her. Letting out a sigh when she saw it was a small Beagle, whining and licking at her leg. She crouched down pet the dog who was whining at her feet.

“Hey baby, where are your parents?” She picked up the dog and looked it over, she saw a name tag, “Daisy- that’s a cute name. Matches my tattoo,” she flipped over the name tag and saw an address, thankful she wouldn't have to drop the dog off at home and try to find her owners later. Daisy fell asleep in her arms while she walked the pup back to her car, the thought on finishing her run gone from her mind. Once the dog was rested safely in her front seat and plugged the address into her phone. It was a quick drive back to the owners house thankfully, it was getting dangerously close to 6 am but she couldn’t not take the sleepy baby home.

She knew if her cat went missing longer than usual or her roommates dog she would be worried sick. No parent should be worried about their baby, that was the biggest motivator for her as she snaked through the neighborhood following her GPS until she pulled up to one of the biggest houses she had ever seen. She knew she lived in affluent part of the state but pulling up the gravel driveway of what was basically a mansion she started to sweat. The bouncing of her car woke the puppy up, who was happily wagging her tail, grateful to be home after wandering away in the early morning. Maria smiled, happy that the pup was glad to be home.

“Lets go baby, let's get you back home.” Daisy ran up the door and pawed at it. Maria knocked and waited a moment, when she didn’t hear any movement in the house she rang the doorbell. Daisy was sitting by her feet waiting patiently for the door to open, it felt like hours while she stood in the massive door hoping someone was home to take the pup in. In reality It had probably been only 5 or so minutes, she chanced a glance around the driveway and didn’t see a car. Figuring that whoever would have been home was gone she turned and started walking back to her car, calling for Daisy, she could take her home and try again after work. Knowing her roommates would be sympathetic to the lost puppy and take care of her until she could try again. It was then she heard the large door open. She turned and nearly lost her balance when she caught a glance at the man who opened the door.

[soobrat]

good for you || Vernon

𝕤𝕞𝕦𝕥,

t o  s k i p  s t r 8  t o  t h e  s m u t  l o c a t e  t h i s  d i v i d e r:

★ 𝔹𝕖 𝕎𝕒𝕣𝕪 ★:

dom!Reader

female reader again (sorry)

sub!Hansol being too much to handle

slight BDSM

mistress kink

kinda corny tbfh

((disclaimer: I took this from my Wattpad book which was from my previous Tumblr lol, although the story is cringy af this is one of my best smuts TO DATE))

"Hansol texted me yesterday, he's definitely into me." Kwon Eunbi twirled a strand of her hair and spoke obnoxiously loud. She had to ensure that you heard her. You could feel her and her two minion's eyes boring into you.

You were in college, but you felt as if you were stuck in some old school high school movie. A clique of three girls with the same name with crippling envy for you, the main protagonist.

The only thing left to do was to ignore them. You had already tried reasoning with them. Telling them and sometimes yourself that you did not like Hansol. Hell, you guys weren't even friends.

"Psst."

Your ears perked up at the sound. You quirk a brow. Was that aimed towards you?

"What was that?" Hwang, Jung, and Kwon Eunbi straightened up in their seats, searching for the source. You heard Kwon gasp and you instantly knew. You tried to ignore the fluttering feeling in the pit of your stomach. Your hopes were up, but you didn't want to acknowledge it.

You have no time for boys

You have no time for boys

You have no time for boys

Maybe you just had to repeat it for it to stick. You were about to graduate and you have exams coming up.

"Hey Vernon. Still coming over tonight?" Her voice was annoyingly high pitched. You tried to stop that burning sensation. Envy, ironically. You clenched your fists.

You. Have. No. Time. For-

"Hey! I'm talking to you ___."

That stupid voice. You sighed, the Eunbi's scoffed, Vernon chuckled.

"She's fucking annoying." Hwang spoke,

"Look, she's acting stuck up." then Jung.

Finally, you were getting worried that Kwon forebode them from talking. You never knew with Kwon Eunbi, she likes control.

"Not now, I'm studying." You were hoping a librarian or someone would come and tell all of them to shut up, but of course not. You had to go to the one college with a library that wasn't quiet. He walked towards you and came to kneel beside you.

"Just for a second, please?"

You cleared your throat, regaining your composure. You could feel his breath on your arm. You ignored the goosebumps that showed up. You smoothed your hand over your arm before finally looking at him.

"Can you just... C-come to my house later okay?" You nod as if you were trying to persuade him to agree. He didn't respond, instead continuing to pout and whine. You grab his face and force him to look you in the eye.

"You can wait until later." You're stern as you nod once more. You wait for him to nod before you remove your hands. Sucking in a deep breath, you hold it for a while as you returned to your textbook.

"What a show off." The Eunbi's brush you off and finally start minding their business.

Release.

Your limbs loosen up again. That was close.

The teachers always said to never stop studying until the day of the test, but this was overkill. You needed to find something to do before he showed up a your apartment. The words blurred together when you did anything reading related. Nothing seemed interesting on social media, and there were too many ads on cable TV.

It was obvious, nothing was going to keep your attention with him on your mind. You found yourself on the couch, refreshing your social media multiple times. You were just about to doze off when a knock sounded. You jolted up, heading straight for the door.

That would be embarrassing if you open it right then and there.

You took a breath, retracting your hand from the door knob.

You have no time for boys. Release some stress and kick him out. You have no feelings for him.

In one swift movement, you twist the door knob and swing open the door.

Fuck, you had feelings for him.

His hair wasn't parted like it usually was, it covering his eyebrows. His eyes were wide and softer than usual. He had on a loose fitting t-shirt that had a worn collar. Worn enough to show off his collar bones. You swallowed thickly, unable to look away.

"I know I look bad, but I'll be taking my clothes off anyways-" You gasp before pulling him in by his shirt and shutting the door.

"Stop shitting around Vernon."

"You almost went into dom-space today, didn't you?" Vernon inched closer to you slowly. You stay put, wanting to stand your ground. He was absolutely right.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Standing your ground was a bit hard when you were so obviously avoiding eye contact. He sighs as he reaches for your hand and brings it up to his right cheek.

Your mind goes slightly fuzzy as your cold hand melted against his warm face. He leaned into your touch and you felt your cheeks heat up.

"You're annoyingly clingy."

Vernon can feel your aura becoming more cold and rigid. He grinned as he took a step forward. He rests his forehead on yours, impish smile still on his face.

"Am I being a bad boy?"

A sharp inhale was drawn from you. He was such a tease. This is partly your fault. You shouldn't entertain him, it'll fuel the fire. You don't answer, instead you close your eyes.

"Punish me, please."

Your lips parted as you gasped silently. He hit a nerve and he knew it.

"I've been so needy all day mistress." His head moved to the crook of your neck. His soft kisses and breath on your neck sent shivers down your spine.

"Mistress please say something, I'm dying here-"

"Upstairs."

"What?"

You brush past him and strode up the stairs. Hansol hesitated for a moment. He bit his lip, watching you as you disappeared onto the second floor. His heartbeat picked up in speed, it was finally happening. Hansol felt like he was going to explode from pent up frustration.

Watching how you slowly get irritated as the Eunbi's picked on you, how you almost constantly look completely focused and determined no matter what you're doing. It made him desperately want to make you squirm.

At least, before he found out your kink. Hansol had no sexual feelings towards you before he found out. One day he annoyed you one too many times and you pinned him against the wall of the library. No one saw the fire inside your eyes in the remote corners of that library. Everyone only knew you as the reticent girl who distanced herself from anything that didn't have to do with her studies.

Not the girl got off on watching someone squirm under her damning dominance.

Hansol slowly pushed open the door to your bedroom. Your usually toys were scattered all over the bed. He placed his hand on the cock ring. That was new. Hansol could feel heat in his pelvic area. He clenched his thighs instinctively. It occurred to him only then that he didn't see you in the room.

Just as he was about to turn around, he heard the door shut. He grinned. Hansol's skin erupted in goosebumps when he felt your hands travel down his bare arms. You reach in front of him, gripping the hem of his t-shirt. You were about to peel it from his body, but you paused.

Hansol knew your were in dom-space when you were silent. He was always dying to know what was on your mind.

It made Hansol focus more on how you were making him feel. Like when you let go of his shirt and moved past it. You slid your cold fingers underneath his jeans. Hansol shuddered as your fingertips made contact with his lower abdomen only briefly before they moved under his pants.

You sighed, the first sound you'd made since you both got up here, when your fingers came in contact with his member. Hansol huffed and clenched his thighs. You pinch his thigh and Vernon gasped in surprise. He knew what it meant and he immediately reopened his legs.

You close your hand over his hard cock, relishing as he whimpered. Hansol opened his mouth to beg but you pinched him again. This was the hardest part, but Hansol knew he'd be rewarded for being good.

A few languid strokes through his boxers nearly made him forget about being rewarded. You look over his shoulder to watch your movements and how it made him squirm. Hansol knew he was doomed when you reached down further to cup his balls. His toes curled into the carpet and he took his lip in between his teeth. If he writhed or made anymore sound than what he was already doing, he could forget about cumming.

Deep breaths.

It was hard for you to hold in your smile. This is exactly what you wanted. You reveled in his sexual frustration. Words couldn't describe how tempting it was to give up and let him take you then and there.

However, that wouldn't be nearly as gratifying.

Hansol was holding up aggravatingly well. It was time to up the ante.

"Get on the bed."

Hansol shuddered and nodded. You step away from him and watch as he crawls up on the bed. He cleared a path through the toys and lied on his back in the middle.

The way he raised his arms over his head brought a small smile to your face. It was a good decision to leave his shirt on. This whole scene was beautifully submissive.

Kneeling on the bed, you grab the rope and secure Hansol's arms to the headboard. Your hands trail down his arms, to his torso, and landed at the hem of his pants again. This time you got rid of them. The speed at which you did so got Hansol excited. He was definitely about to be rewarded.

Hansol's thighs tense up as your rake your nails down them. His cock twitched whenever you got close enough. You enjoyed that reaction, triggering it many times until he began whimpering in protest.

"Are you ready to be rewarded?"

Hansol nodded eagerly. You sighed as if you weren't estatic to share this news you were about to share with him.

"That's too bad. I hope you're prepared for a new punishment."

"What? Why?"

Hansol knew when he heard you chuckle that he shouldn't have said anything.

"You and your big mouth." You tsk as you reach for the lube and squeeze some out on your hand. Hansol hissed when the gel made contact with his shaft.

It was the way you barely communicated with him and barely made contact that drove him crazy. He had to admit that it was an efficient punishment. Was it naughty for him to grind against your hand? He didn't know, but he didn't care. He tugged against his restraints, bottom lip raw from him nipping at it so much.

You noticed his breathing picking up and his eyes shutting suddenly, so you stopped. You quirked your eyebrow at him when you heard him groan.

"Are you agitated?" Hansol ignored you. Bad choice.

"Good thing you're being naughty. I've wanted to try these out for so long." You grab more rope and the cock ring. You smirk slyly to yourself. You pull both his legs straight and bound them to the bottom bed posts.

"You look so nice spread wide open to me." Your tongue swipes over your bottom lip as you examine him. His hair stuck to his forehead and his bottom lip swollen. Not to mention how fucking cute he was in that t-shirt.

With more lube on your hand, you moisten the cock ring and slide it over his shaft. His shaft began to throb when you secured the ring. The pent up frustration was driving him up the wall with no way to release it.

"Fuck you're driving me crazy."

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

He was frustrated, you could see and feel it. You smiled to yourself. Now he felt the way he made you feel all the time. Time to enjoy every second of his torture.

"I bet you want to be stimulated now, huh?" You look up at him with faux pity in your eyes. Hansol doesn't answer, only looks at you begrudgingly. You peel his cock from his stomach and start twisting both your hands around it. His aura shifts, something tells you he's ready to be good for you again.

Short puffs of breath hit his balls as your face hovered over them. He flinched each time it happened. It felt like it was a bit early for you to be getting so aroused, but you couldn't help it. The way he clenched his eyes shut and moaned uncontrollably. He sounded so sinful yet sweet. You had to stop yourself giving in once again.

The higher pitched moans omitting from him meant he was close.

"Please- I don't want to cum like this. Please mistress, I wanna be inside of you." Hansol's voice cracked as he begged. He was hiding his face but you could still see how pink his cheeks were and how his face contorted.

Tsk tsk tsk. He knew he wasn't supposed to beg or speak for that matter until you asked. You slowed down your movements considerably and loosened your grip a bit. He whined, back arching off the bed.

"Jesus fuck-" He nearly sobbed at the loss of sweet friction.

"Be a good boy."

"Fuck that-"

It was an understatement to say he was caught by surprise when you suddenly stuffed his cock down your throat. He gruntly loudly, bucking into your mouth the best that he could. This isn't what he meant by being inside of you, but it was good for now.

The skin was raw on his wrists but that didn't stop him from pulling against them again. He clenched his fists tightly causing numerous thick veins to pop out on his forearm. You lingered there, enjoying the sounds spilling from his lips. The lack of eye contact on your end frustrated him beyond belief, but he knew better than to voice it. He bit his tongue and focused on how warm and wet the inside of your mouth felt. His cock throbbed, threatening to spill into your mouth.

You finally remove his cock from your mouth. You make direct eye contact as you wipe the saliva from your mouth. He swallows hard.

"You like that? You can speak now."

"Yes."

You smirk. "Beg for it if you want it again." Hansol jumped at the opportunity.

"Please? I want to feel your mouth again so bad."

"That's not good enough."

"Please, please mistress! I want you to do it again, please!"

"Do what again?"

"Put my cock in your mouth please? Please suck my cock." You nearly moaned hearing him whine for you like that. He was close to his breaking point.

That was only one thing he wanted, but he didn't want to push it. You knew what the other thing was, though. You pick up his cock again, swirling your tongue around the tip. His moans sounded like they came from the depths of his body. You were barely touching him.

You started to suck on his tip. Only then did you look up at him. He whimpered, bucking again. You hold his hips down and sink your head 'til your nose hit his stomach. All while still staring into his eyes. His eyes rolled to the back of his head. His mouth gaping open with no sound coming out.

He felt a pulsing heat in his pelvic area as you bobbed your head. He was close. The pleasure was immeasurable but he wanted your cunt desperately. He clenched his fists again, trying to fight away his urge to cum. Taking deep breaths, biting his lip harshly and clenching his eyes shut were the measures he took. Sadly, to no avail.

"F-fuck I'm-" he doesn't even finish before you're pulling away completely. His cock bobbed as cum erupted from the tip. He whines and whimpers loudly as he finishes his ruined orgasm. His cock throbbed a few more times before it fell limp.

He threw his head back, letting it thud against the headboard.

"Fucking hell." He groaned

You shake your head at him as you untied him.

"That was fucked."

"You did it to yourself." You throw him a towel.

"Clean up and get out. I have shit to do."

"What, like study for the 80th time for one test?" He laughs teasingly.

"Shut the hell up." Your voice is threatening, but he doesn't flinch.

"Looks like you're still in dom-space. Hopefully it goes away before class tomorrow." He raised his eyebrows at the thought of your secret getting out.

"You know what? Hopefully it doesn't, so I can make you cum in your pants between classes and have to explain to the Eunbi's that you cum prematurely.~"

"Hey-" You wink at him and run out the room and slam the door before he could say anything.

[kurtwarren54]

Pregnancy 2 // First Trimester

Figured I would do an update on how the first trimester was for Baby 2! Things have been different and more intense the second time around! Excited to share the details with you below.

WEIGHT GAINED

I haven’t tracked my exact weight for JUST the first trimester but at my 16 week appt I had gained 9 pounds which my dr said was normal and on track! I will say the pounds started packing on WAY faster this second time around. Almost to the point I was freaked out. But you have to think that everything is growing and taking shape faster and as long as I am on track with my doctor I am feeling great. It is always also strange coming off fertility treatment into pregnancy because I am not fully myself. I had been doing fertility medication for almost a year and that always adds some start weight. But, like I said, it’s all part of my story. All part of my process. And honestly, the fact that I am here, it all doesn’t matter. I am so grateful to be pregnant and have a healthy baby!!

HOW I’M FEELING: PHYSICALLY

Nausea

GOOD GOD. My nausea was 10x worse this time around. At 6 weeks, I went on diclegis prescription for nausea and took 2 pills at night. Despite being on meds, I still struggled through most of my first trimester with extreme nausea. Luckily I did not have vomiting but man… the nausea was REALLY bad. To be honest with you, none of the “tricks” worked for me either. Sure snacks, small meals, ginger, etc etc but nope. Massive unrelenting nausea. The hardest part about it is that being the mom to a toddler means you don’t have the luxury of resting like you do as a first time pregnant woman. Having to take care of an active child while struggling with feeling ill is miserable. I have to thank Blake for pretty much taking over the minute he would be done with work to help me as I was doubled over on the couch. It was rough. And rough knowing just how long the first trimester is. What I did make sure to do was ALWAYS have a snack in the mid afternoon. If I didn’t have some kind of snack between 2-4pm, I would be even more miserable. Saltine crackers were always on my nightstand along with bold chex mix, and goldfish. 

Growing pains

I experienced some more intense round ligament pain in my groin area this time around. I noticed it mostly at night. Especially when I needed to lawn, or sneeze or make a bigger movement I would get a twitch of pain from it.

Pregnancy Brain

Like my first pregnancy, pregnancy brain is a REAL THING. I swear the moment I got pregnant my brain turned to mush. It’s hard to explain but I can’t remember anything to save my life. Lol!

Exhaustion

I was a new level of tired being pregnant and chasing a toddler. Truth be told being in a pandemic didn’t help either. Not being able to take him places etc. I was very tired but the sickness bothered me more than being tired.

Constipation

Sorry if that’s TMI but wow the constipation was bad this time around. The first month or two was tough and I know it also has alot to do with how much progesterone is in my body. Since I wasn’t drinking coffee after my transfer right away, it was extra tough. I always feel like coffee gets me moving. HA! I know. So much TMI. You’re welcome.

Baby bump

This time around I feel my belly popped out a lot sooner! At 14 weeks I feel I had a tiny little bump. I am sure I will look back and be like, WOW that wasn’t much of a bump but it’s when I felt there was a defined transformation. 

HOW I’M FEELING: MENTALLY

I think similarly to my first pregnancy, after so much loss (with each of our failed embryo transfers) you keep waiting and holding your breath as each week passes you by. Each week it’s own milestone. And you find yourself thinking, “Oh I will feel good once I hear the heart beat!” “Oh I will feel good when I hit the second trimester.” But really, I think there is always a sense of unease as you move through the process. I think it’s healthy to be a little bit nervous. It’s honest. I think things have just been more stressful with the fact that we are still in a global pandemic because of Covid-19. That has put alot of stress on us keeping our family safe during these times and staying as isolated as we can while also being aware of taking care of our mental health. We are very fortunate living where we do to be able to spend time together outdoors and that has been great for the mind and body. Really, I go to bed, and wake up every day just so damn grateful knowing that I am growing life and repeating to myself that I AM PREGNANT. And THIS IS OUR CHANCE. This is our miracle. It’s been such an emotional roller coaster to get to this point and really, despite any outside stressors buzzing around, I am just so grateful and smile so big everyday knowing that next Summer I get to make Otis a big brother. 

WHAT I’M EATING

First trimester for me was CARBS. CARBS and MORE CARBS. Honestly most days I barely had an appetite because of how sick I felt but I know how important it was to nourish my body. So I would basically have to force myself to have my meals. ESPECIALLY when it came to dinner. I had no appetite at all at night. It was bad.

That being said, I didn’t have any coffee for weeks. First off because I avoid caffeine after my embryo transfer and didn’t feel comfortable drinking it until after I heard the heartbeat. At a certain point, when my nausea would allow in the am and I was in the mood for coffee, I started to drink it again. I started with decaf but then had some headaches and my doctor always encourages me to have 1 cup of caffeine to help with my headaches. What I was drinking and couldn’t stop was bubble water (or carbonated water) whatever you like to call it. I usually prefer lukewarm drinks but this pregnancy I was craving ICED COLD bubble water. We actually ended up getting this carbonated water maker and we literally use it EVERY SINGLE DAY. For some reason the cold bubble water just helped with my nausea believe it of not.  

Thankfully eggs were a lifesaver for me and I could tolerate them. My favorite go to breakfast that didn’t make me want to throw up: a piece of toast, a tiny bit of mayo, and a sliced hard boiled egg with salt and pepper. I basically ate that every day. I also had a lot of bagels with cream cheese when I wasn’t feeling great. Food was just tough so we didn’t meal plan as much so I could eat more what I could stomach that day.

As the first trimester went on, I was able to eat more regularly. I always try to eat protein for breakfast (like egg) to help really nourish me. I also try to make smarter choices and slip some protein in my afternoon snack. My favorites: string cheese, chocolate covered almonds, toast or apples with almond butter. Don’t get me wrong, some days I have a bowl of chips, a cupcake, or something else that is naughty. I think it’s all about balance and sometimes, you just have to indulge.

HOW I’M SLEEPING

First trimester sleep was rough. With the waking up to pee almost every night that was one element. It’s likely the hormone changes that always get to me. Last pregnancy I had to take unisom to get some form of normal sleep. Since I started the diclegis at 6 weeks with 2 pills at night, I found that helped me sleep MUCH better. So for now, I am sleeping ok. Some nights are better than others. I do toss and turn alot. 

EXERCISE

I didn’t really work out at all till at least around 10-11 weeks. Of course I was doing my daily walks with Otis etc and getting my steps in and my blood pumping. But I wanted to take it easy and honestly I didn’t have the energy to do anything before then. Starting at 11 weeks I started short 10 minute workouts on my elliptical that we have in our garage and Blake got me for Christmas. I try to do that, or just walk briskly on our treadmill for 10-15 minutes. There are weeks I barely get 1 “workout” if you even want to call it that. Basically I just try to get my blood pumping whether I am walking for Otis’ morning walk or doing something else. I also started prenatal yoga class (virtually online) every week and its been music ot my soul. Great stretching and a great time for me to sit and connect with my body and the baby. It’s something I really enjoyed while pregnant with Otis so it’s a sense of comfort being able to participate even from my computer at home.

MEDS IM TAKING

For most of the first trimester, I stayed on alot of my IVF medications. I stayed on my prednisone steroids till 9 weeks and then weaned down my estrogen patches as well as weaned down to 1 progesterone injection a day. During this time, I did get some hormonal headaches with all the fluctuations but luckily they weren’t horrible and only lasted 2 days. I finally was able to stop all my meds (with the exception of baby aspirin and my diclegis) at my graduation appointment from the fertility clinic at 12 weeks!!! This was a HUGE milestone after literally doing injections and taking medications for almost a year in prep for each of my FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycles.

CHALLENGES

The biggest hurdles this pregnancy have been knowing and believing that feeling like crap would likely get better at the end of the first trimester. After a year of hormone meds, and then feeling awful my first trimester, a UTI, a yeast infection from the meds of the UTI (sorry TMI!!) I got to the point where being in my own skin was just frustrating. Being pregnant is a WILD things because your body is completely taken over. It’s beautiful in many ways and also still really emotionally challenging in others. I am so thankful to see the light at the end of the tunnel of the first tri. But anyone else that is “IN IT” my heart hugs yours mamas. It’s tough!!

WHAT I’M WEARING

I feel everything comes on sooner with the second pregnancy and the need for stretchy things came sooner. When it comes to leggings, I still wear my pre-pregnancy lululemon align leggings which are high rise and so stretchy as well as my alo leggings that are really soft and a little lower rise. Both still fit comfortably and fit over my growing body. Toward the end of my first trimester, I ended up buying these maternity leggings from beyond yoga and I LOVE them. They feel like second skin and are so buttery soft. They come all the way up over your bump or you can also fold it down to go under. Highly suggest them as they are SO comfy.

Also because I don’t leave my house often (because of Covid-19) I wear a ton of sweats. These sets from Michael Stars have been a guilty pleasure because they are SO soft and made of terry material. I also love my sweat set from Tan Lines that Sivan sent over. The material is SO soft and I feel like a cool mom in them. Although Blake made fun of my crop top sweater. HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IS COOL!!! I do enjoy wearing more cropped tops when pregnant to let the belly have it’s little bit of room. I did end up getting one pair of maternity denim from jbrand that actually fit great toward the end of my first trimester also. Will report back when I wear them out. Equally stretchy too.

I did buy 3 bras from skims that I have been loving too. This scoop bra, this triangle bra and this nursing bra are all GREAT. I wanted to see what the hype was about with this brand and I have to say the materials are ON POINT. VERY comfy. If you plan to order, SIZE UP and size up big time. I got at least size L in everything because my boobs are enormous now and I feel their stuff runs small. I also have a ton of bras from Otis’ pregnancy. From last pregnancy, I have my hatch and bravado bras that I wear weekly also.

It’s different for the second pregnancy because you start showing and feeling bigger sooner (at least in my case) so you are in that in between period of not fully having a bump but feeling large and awkward if that makes sense. I have to say, a perk of pandemic life is the fact that I am mostly in lounge wear so I have been able to avoid real clothes for most of the first trimester aside from doctors appointments etc.

SELF LOVE

First trimester was just really challenging with not feeling well constantly. Hard to give yourself self love, in a pandemic, with no childcare help. If anything, I tried to listen to my body, and lay down when Otis was napping and try my best to give my body the much needed rest it was craving. Nearing the end of the first tri, showers and a blow dry were my self care routine and even an at home mani/pedi. Feeling better was already such a treat and allowed me the time to do some other things for myself. I think it’s just so important to listen to your body and slow down when you need it. 

FIRST TRIMESTER PURCHASES

Purchases for me:

Skims scoop bra

Skim maternity nursing bra

Skims triangle bra

Beyond yoga maternity capri leggings

Aarke water carbonator

Lululemon align leggings

Summer fridays babymoon belly balm

Purchases for baby:

Kyte baby rainbow onesie

Kyte baby toddler blanket

Moby mickey wrap (blake bought this for me!)

Letterfolk sign

Masongrey baby bundle

BABY PREPARATIONS

So we didn’t do much to prep for baby in the first trimester except for me sharing our good news with my good friend (and interior design guru) Anne! She helped to plan out the interiors of our whole home including master bedroom, living and dining rooms, and most recently Otis’ nursery. I basically texted her and forced her to dream up Baby #2 nursery ideas so we are currently working on that! IT’S GOING TO BE EPIC.

WHAT’S NEXT

I am looking forward to more ultrasounds!!!! I can not WAIT for my anatomy scan at 20 weeks to get some more face time with baby. Other than that, it’s check off each week as an incredible milestone and try to remain as active as I can to help get my body strong for delivery again. It’s exciting to near the half mark and be buying things for baby, talking to Otis about the baby and just imagining our life together as a family. I honestly am still in shock everyday. I feel lucky everyday. Our rainbows have brighten out life immensely and I am so excited to continue to share our journey with you all. Big love from all of us.

The post Pregnancy 2 // First Trimester appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

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[elizabethcariasa]

Pregnancy 2 // First Trimester

Figured I would do an update on how the first trimester was for Baby 2! Things have been different and more intense the second time around! Excited to share the details with you below.

WEIGHT GAINED

I haven’t tracked my exact weight for JUST the first trimester but at my 16 week appt I had gained 9 pounds which my dr said was normal and on track! I will say the pounds started packing on WAY faster this second time around. Almost to the point I was freaked out. But you have to think that everything is growing and taking shape faster and as long as I am on track with my doctor I am feeling great. It is always also strange coming off fertility treatment into pregnancy because I am not fully myself. I had been doing fertility medication for almost a year and that always adds some start weight. But, like I said, it’s all part of my story. All part of my process. And honestly, the fact that I am here, it all doesn’t matter. I am so grateful to be pregnant and have a healthy baby!!

HOW I’M FEELING: PHYSICALLY

Nausea

GOOD GOD. My nausea was 10x worse this time around. At 6 weeks, I went on diclegis prescription for nausea and took 2 pills at night. Despite being on meds, I still struggled through most of my first trimester with extreme nausea. Luckily I did not have vomiting but man… the nausea was REALLY bad. To be honest with you, none of the “tricks” worked for me either. Sure snacks, small meals, ginger, etc etc but nope. Massive unrelenting nausea. The hardest part about it is that being the mom to a toddler means you don’t have the luxury of resting like you do as a first time pregnant woman. Having to take care of an active child while struggling with feeling ill is miserable. I have to thank Blake for pretty much taking over the minute he would be done with work to help me as I was doubled over on the couch. It was rough. And rough knowing just how long the first trimester is. What I did make sure to do was ALWAYS have a snack in the mid afternoon. If I didn’t have some kind of snack between 2-4pm, I would be even more miserable. Saltine crackers were always on my nightstand along with bold chex mix, and goldfish. 

Growing pains

I experienced some more intense round ligament pain in my groin area this time around. I noticed it mostly at night. Especially when I needed to lawn, or sneeze or make a bigger movement I would get a twitch of pain from it.

Pregnancy Brain

Like my first pregnancy, pregnancy brain is a REAL THING. I swear the moment I got pregnant my brain turned to mush. It’s hard to explain but I can’t remember anything to save my life. Lol!

Exhaustion

I was a new level of tired being pregnant and chasing a toddler. Truth be told being in a pandemic didn’t help either. Not being able to take him places etc. I was very tired but the sickness bothered me more than being tired.

Constipation

Sorry if that’s TMI but wow the constipation was bad this time around. The first month or two was tough and I know it also has alot to do with how much progesterone is in my body. Since I wasn’t drinking coffee after my transfer right away, it was extra tough. I always feel like coffee gets me moving. HA! I know. So much TMI. You’re welcome.

Baby bump

This time around I feel my belly popped out a lot sooner! At 14 weeks I feel I had a tiny little bump. I am sure I will look back and be like, WOW that wasn’t much of a bump but it’s when I felt there was a defined transformation. 

HOW I’M FEELING: MENTALLY

I think similarly to my first pregnancy, after so much loss (with each of our failed embryo transfers) you keep waiting and holding your breath as each week passes you by. Each week it’s own milestone. And you find yourself thinking, “Oh I will feel good once I hear the heart beat!” “Oh I will feel good when I hit the second trimester.” But really, I think there is always a sense of unease as you move through the process. I think it’s healthy to be a little bit nervous. It’s honest. I think things have just been more stressful with the fact that we are still in a global pandemic because of Covid-19. That has put alot of stress on us keeping our family safe during these times and staying as isolated as we can while also being aware of taking care of our mental health. We are very fortunate living where we do to be able to spend time together outdoors and that has been great for the mind and body. Really, I go to bed, and wake up every day just so damn grateful knowing that I am growing life and repeating to myself that I AM PREGNANT. And THIS IS OUR CHANCE. This is our miracle. It’s been such an emotional roller coaster to get to this point and really, despite any outside stressors buzzing around, I am just so grateful and smile so big everyday knowing that next Summer I get to make Otis a big brother. 

WHAT I’M EATING

First trimester for me was CARBS. CARBS and MORE CARBS. Honestly most days I barely had an appetite because of how sick I felt but I know how important it was to nourish my body. So I would basically have to force myself to have my meals. ESPECIALLY when it came to dinner. I had no appetite at all at night. It was bad.

That being said, I didn’t have any coffee for weeks. First off because I avoid caffeine after my embryo transfer and didn’t feel comfortable drinking it until after I heard the heartbeat. At a certain point, when my nausea would allow in the am and I was in the mood for coffee, I started to drink it again. I started with decaf but then had some headaches and my doctor always encourages me to have 1 cup of caffeine to help with my headaches. What I was drinking and couldn’t stop was bubble water (or carbonated water) whatever you like to call it. I usually prefer lukewarm drinks but this pregnancy I was craving ICED COLD bubble water. We actually ended up getting this carbonated water maker and we literally use it EVERY SINGLE DAY. For some reason the cold bubble water just helped with my nausea believe it of not.  

Thankfully eggs were a lifesaver for me and I could tolerate them. My favorite go to breakfast that didn’t make me want to throw up: a piece of toast, a tiny bit of mayo, and a sliced hard boiled egg with salt and pepper. I basically ate that every day. I also had a lot of bagels with cream cheese when I wasn’t feeling great. Food was just tough so we didn’t meal plan as much so I could eat more what I could stomach that day.

As the first trimester went on, I was able to eat more regularly. I always try to eat protein for breakfast (like egg) to help really nourish me. I also try to make smarter choices and slip some protein in my afternoon snack. My favorites: string cheese, chocolate covered almonds, toast or apples with almond butter. Don’t get me wrong, some days I have a bowl of chips, a cupcake, or something else that is naughty. I think it’s all about balance and sometimes, you just have to indulge.

HOW I’M SLEEPING

First trimester sleep was rough. With the waking up to pee almost every night that was one element. It’s likely the hormone changes that always get to me. Last pregnancy I had to take unisom to get some form of normal sleep. Since I started the diclegis at 6 weeks with 2 pills at night, I found that helped me sleep MUCH better. So for now, I am sleeping ok. Some nights are better than others. I do toss and turn alot. 

EXERCISE

I didn’t really work out at all till at least around 10-11 weeks. Of course I was doing my daily walks with Otis etc and getting my steps in and my blood pumping. But I wanted to take it easy and honestly I didn’t have the energy to do anything before then. Starting at 11 weeks I started short 10 minute workouts on my elliptical that we have in our garage and Blake got me for Christmas. I try to do that, or just walk briskly on our treadmill for 10-15 minutes. There are weeks I barely get 1 “workout” if you even want to call it that. Basically I just try to get my blood pumping whether I am walking for Otis’ morning walk or doing something else. I also started prenatal yoga class (virtually online) every week and its been music ot my soul. Great stretching and a great time for me to sit and connect with my body and the baby. It’s something I really enjoyed while pregnant with Otis so it’s a sense of comfort being able to participate even from my computer at home.

MEDS IM TAKING

For most of the first trimester, I stayed on alot of my IVF medications. I stayed on my prednisone steroids till 9 weeks and then weaned down my estrogen patches as well as weaned down to 1 progesterone injection a day. During this time, I did get some hormonal headaches with all the fluctuations but luckily they weren’t horrible and only lasted 2 days. I finally was able to stop all my meds (with the exception of baby aspirin and my diclegis) at my graduation appointment from the fertility clinic at 12 weeks!!! This was a HUGE milestone after literally doing injections and taking medications for almost a year in prep for each of my FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycles.

CHALLENGES

The biggest hurdles this pregnancy have been knowing and believing that feeling like crap would likely get better at the end of the first trimester. After a year of hormone meds, and then feeling awful my first trimester, a UTI, a yeast infection from the meds of the UTI (sorry TMI!!) I got to the point where being in my own skin was just frustrating. Being pregnant is a WILD things because your body is completely taken over. It’s beautiful in many ways and also still really emotionally challenging in others. I am so thankful to see the light at the end of the tunnel of the first tri. But anyone else that is “IN IT” my heart hugs yours mamas. It’s tough!!

WHAT I’M WEARING

I feel everything comes on sooner with the second pregnancy and the need for stretchy things came sooner. When it comes to leggings, I still wear my pre-pregnancy lululemon align leggings which are high rise and so stretchy as well as my alo leggings that are really soft and a little lower rise. Both still fit comfortably and fit over my growing body. Toward the end of my first trimester, I ended up buying these maternity leggings from beyond yoga and I LOVE them. They feel like second skin and are so buttery soft. They come all the way up over your bump or you can also fold it down to go under. Highly suggest them as they are SO comfy.

Also because I don’t leave my house often (because of Covid-19) I wear a ton of sweats. These sets from Michael Stars have been a guilty pleasure because they are SO soft and made of terry material. I also love my sweat set from Tan Lines that Sivan sent over. The material is SO soft and I feel like a cool mom in them. Although Blake made fun of my crop top sweater. HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IS COOL!!! I do enjoy wearing more cropped tops when pregnant to let the belly have it’s little bit of room. I did end up getting one pair of maternity denim from jbrand that actually fit great toward the end of my first trimester also. Will report back when I wear them out. Equally stretchy too.

I did buy 3 bras from skims that I have been loving too. This scoop bra, this triangle bra and this nursing bra are all GREAT. I wanted to see what the hype was about with this brand and I have to say the materials are ON POINT. VERY comfy. If you plan to order, SIZE UP and size up big time. I got at least size L in everything because my boobs are enormous now and I feel their stuff runs small. I also have a ton of bras from Otis’ pregnancy. From last pregnancy, I have my hatch and bravado bras that I wear weekly also.

It’s different for the second pregnancy because you start showing and feeling bigger sooner (at least in my case) so you are in that in between period of not fully having a bump but feeling large and awkward if that makes sense. I have to say, a perk of pandemic life is the fact that I am mostly in lounge wear so I have been able to avoid real clothes for most of the first trimester aside from doctors appointments etc.

SELF LOVE

First trimester was just really challenging with not feeling well constantly. Hard to give yourself self love, in a pandemic, with no childcare help. If anything, I tried to listen to my body, and lay down when Otis was napping and try my best to give my body the much needed rest it was craving. Nearing the end of the first tri, showers and a blow dry were my self care routine and even an at home mani/pedi. Feeling better was already such a treat and allowed me the time to do some other things for myself. I think it’s just so important to listen to your body and slow down when you need it. 

FIRST TRIMESTER PURCHASES

Purchases for me:

Skims scoop bra

Skim maternity nursing bra

Skims triangle bra

Beyond yoga maternity capri leggings

Aarke water carbonator

Lululemon align leggings

Summer fridays babymoon belly balm

Purchases for baby:

Kyte baby rainbow onesie

Kyte baby toddler blanket

Moby mickey wrap (blake bought this for me!)

Letterfolk sign

Masongrey baby bundle

BABY PREPARATIONS

So we didn’t do much to prep for baby in the first trimester except for me sharing our good news with my good friend (and interior design guru) Anne! She helped to plan out the interiors of our whole home including master bedroom, living and dining rooms, and most recently Otis’ nursery. I basically texted her and forced her to dream up Baby #2 nursery ideas so we are currently working on that! IT’S GOING TO BE EPIC.

WHAT’S NEXT

I am looking forward to more ultrasounds!!!! I can not WAIT for my anatomy scan at 20 weeks to get some more face time with baby. Other than that, it’s check off each week as an incredible milestone and try to remain as active as I can to help get my body strong for delivery again. It’s exciting to near the half mark and be buying things for baby, talking to Otis about the baby and just imagining our life together as a family. I honestly am still in shock everyday. I feel lucky everyday. Our rainbows have brighten out life immensely and I am so excited to continue to share our journey with you all. Big love from all of us.

The post Pregnancy 2 // First Trimester appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

[call-me-eds]

Poison

Getting high has never been so stressful, but then again, everything that Stan did had an edge to it.

Masterlist

Not a single drop of alcohol, a single hit off of a joint, or even as much as an energy drink had ever gone anywhere near Stanley Uris’ body. He knew what could happen if he got mixed in with bad things like that. Not because of experience or seeing anything more than Bill throw up in bushes outside of a random house, but because he was smart. He couldn’t imagine putting poison into his body by choice.

           Well, until The Loser’s Club entered the eleventh grade. Bev and Richie had been passing cigarettes between them since the seventh grade, and the transition to weed was smooth. Bill got high with them a few times, but he much preferred alcohol, especially after he made out with a girl for the first time after having two beers at a party. Besides having a glass of wine at dinner sometimes, Eddie never really was interested in drinking or doing drugs. He liked to be in control and didn’t mind being the one to look after his friends when they got a little out of hand.

           Truly, he never really had to take care of them all. Ben could handle his alcohol fairly well and would disappear with Beverly halfway through every party, tailgate, or get together they ever went to, anyway. Mike had his truck that would haul them all to parties, so he usually stayed sober throughout the night. He liked being able to leave when he wanted and knowing that if anything went wrong he would be in his best state of mind to help, no matter who it was. Mike was never crazy. He always had his bearings. While Mike and Eddie were fine being around their friends and people they barely knew while they were sober, or fairly sober, Stan hated it.

           He didn’t understand the appeal of being so out of control of your body that you needed people to hold you up, and he told Richie that every time he was holding the taller boy up while they walked down the street away from a party that Stan never wanted to go to in the first place.

           “Hey,” Mike said, pulling Stan’s attention from the horses in the large field. Stan was visiting Mike on one of his slow afternoons at the farm. He was leaning up against the fence and watching his Mike talk to and tend to the horses, and Stan wasn’t sure which one was more beautiful.

           “Hey,” Stan smiled. “All done?”

           “Almost,” he shrugged. “I was just thinking that maybe when I’m done we could go hang out with the guys,” he suggested.

           “Yeah, okay,” he smiled. “Where?”

           “Bill said they were all going to meet at the quarry. I think they’ll be drinking, though. Just us, it’s not a party,” he said.

           “Yeah, okay. Let me pay for gas, though, you picked me up to come here,” Stan said.

           “Well, I’m not going to drive,” he shrugged. Stan nodded and tried not to think about how he would once again, be the only sober one. He wouldn’t have a beer bottle to occupy his hands or a cloud of smoke between him and whoever he was talking to.

           “Okay,” he nodded. “Yeah, alright. Well, finish up, so you can shower and we can get going.” Mike nodded and kissed Stan quickly before going to finish up his work. Ben picked them up in his mom’s car and talked the whole way to the quarry, which Stan was fine with. He didn’t have much to say and was just thinking about what he would do when he saw his boyfriend under any influence for the first time.

           “You okay?” Mike asked as they got out of the car. Stan nodded and they walked a little through the trees until they saw their friends. Bill had a case of beer at his feet and was cracking one open, tapping it with Eddie’s own can.

           “Finally, you guys got here,” Richie said, leaning up on his elbows and smiling up at the three boys.

           “Were you waiting on us?” Stan asked.

           “Always, Baby,” Richie winked, pulling the joint out from behind his ear and patting his pockets to find his lighter.

           “Shut up,” he said, sitting down on the blanket and waiting for Mike to sit next to him. Bill held out a beer towards Stan, who shook his head.

           “Stanley, if you go to college without ever having done anything fun you’re not going to make it,” Bill told him.

           “Who says I’m going to drink in college?” he asked.

           “Stan,” Beverly said. “You’re going to be thrown into all of these situations and meeting all new people, you’re going to try something eventually. It’s better to try these things when you’re around people you trust.” Stan stayed silent and his friends could tell he was getting a little uncomfortable with the conversation.

“We’re just concerned that if you go to school and haven’t ever tried anything that you’ll get into a bad situation,” Ben said. Stan was feeling bombarded and overwhelmed. His breathing started to pick up and he started to scratch at his arm. Mike noticed, like he always did, and discreetly started to rub Stan’s back to calm him down.

           “We have a year and a half left until college, we don’t have to worry about this now,” he said, leaning up against Mike more.

           “Oh, come on, Stanley,” Richie rolled his eyes. “What’s going to happen when-”

           “Beep beep, Richie,” Mike rarely ever stifled Richie’s voices or his tangents. He wouldn’t have anyone making Stan feel bad, though, for sticking to his guns. This was just one of the many ways that Mike built up Stan’s self-esteem and encouraged him to keep saying what he was thinking and feeling rather than hiding behind his snarky remarks. At first, Stan felt like it was a big patronizing, but soon the rewards of being treated with more respect by everyone in his life as he treated himself with more respect became more evident in his life.

           “I brought my stereo,” Eddie said quickly, tuning it until some rock started to softly play from the speakers.

           “You’re sure you’re okay?” Mike said softly to Stan.

           “I’m fine,” he promised, leaning forward and kissing him softly.

           “Okay, now my turn,” Richie grinned. Stan flipped him off and normal conversation started to flow again between the group.

           “Just one hit,” Bev smiled, invading Stan’s personal space and waving the joint in front of his face.

           “No,” Stan pushed his arm away and tried not to choke on the smell despite being in the open air. Mike was carefully sipping his beer, still on number one while Bill was laughing louder than usual as he opened number three.

           “Do you like it?” Stan asked Mike softly. Mike sighed and shrugged.

           “I mean, it’s fine. No big deal. Want a sip?” he asked. Stan shook his head and Mike nodded. “And you-”

           “If you ask me if I’m okay again, I think that I’m going to scream,” Stan said softly. Mike laughed and threw his arm around Stan before kissing him again. Stan thought that maybe the alcohol was effecting Mike even if he didn’t notice it. The soft duo was never really into PDA, Eddie wasn’t even sure if he had seen them do more than hold hands.

           After another beer and a half, Mike was holding Stan close to him and Stan was trying not to be totally uncomfortable about the night.

           It was relatively painless, the whole evening. Ben took them home and the only after-effects of the night was that Mike had a small headache in the morning. Stan knew in his heart that the world wouldn’t explode if he drank or smoked, he just genuinely had no interest in it. Mike did seem relaxed, and Beverly always told him how fun it was, but maybe it was the fact that he didn’t know what would happen if he actually tried it.

           In Health class a few weeks later, they were taught about the dangers and the repercussions of marijuana. Stan wrote down almost exactly what the teacher said, as always, and tried to process as much information as he could. After letting his mind float to his boyfriend and the words on the board, he decided that he was going to finally try letting loose. So he swallowed all of the pride he had in his body and stood at Richie’s locker, waiting for him and Bev to arrive like he knew they would.

           “Can I help you with something, Stanny?” Richie practically yelled as he threw his textbooks into his locker. He mumbled his request and Beverly leaned forward.

           “What was that?” she asked.

           “I, um, need something” he sighed, his face grew red and neither of them had any clue what could have gotten him this flustered.

           “What? Condoms? A new hairstyle?” Richie grinned.

           “Some weed,” Stan said softly.

           “Some what?” Richie asked, trying his hardest not to say every one liner running through his mind right now. Bev stepped on his foot and moved in front of him.

           “Okay, how much? Are you selling it? Giving it to someone?” she asked.

           “No,” he sighed. “I’m going to smoke it, and you both know it,” he huffed.

           “Okay, let me tell you what,” Richie said, putting his hands on Beverly’s shoulders. “First time is free, and I’ll help you roll it just because you’re so pretty,” he winked. Stan blushed and nodded.

           “Yeah, okay,” he said. “Just don’t say anything to Mike,” he asked. The two raised their eyebrows at each other but agreed nonetheless. All three of them knew that Stan didn’t want to be in Richie’s bedroom on a Friday afternoon, getting frustrated and ruining more of Richie’s rolling paper than he had used in an entire month.

           “Just do it,” he sighed, pushing it towards Richie.

           “Woah, be careful! That’s not cheap,” Bev said, licking the end of the paper and rolling the joint before Stan could even register what she was doing. “Here,” she handed it to him and smiled.

           “So, what, you smoke it like a cigarette?” he asked, embarrassed but not wanting to do it wrong.

           “Yeah, but you’ve never smoked a cigarette,” Richie scoffed.

           “This was stupid, you two just take it,” he shook his head. Bev glared at Richie and moved to sit next to Stan on the bed.

           “What’s up, why are you so nervous?” she asked.

           “I’ve just obviously never done this before,” he said, a red tint coming to his cheeks.

           “No more bullshit, Stan, you just have to suck it up. What’s going to happen in college? Mike probably won’t be there with you, and neither will we. Something’s going to happen, and we want you to be safe. Who would teach me shit I don’t need to know if something happened to you?” Richie asked.

           “Shut up,” Stan said. “Thank you,” he said to Bev, holding the blunt in his hand gently. “Okay, I guess I’ll go now.”

           “You’re not even going to hang out with us?” Richie asked. “You’re going to take my weed and Bev’s services and then leave?”

           “Have fun,” Bev smiled, pushing him towards the door. Stan walked the few blocks back to his house and rushed up to his bedroom. He locked the door and contemplated what he was actually doing.

           Stan Uris didn’t do this. He didn’t get high and he certainly didn’t get weed from Richie Tozier. He pulled his health notebook out of his backpack and went over his notes another four or five hundred times before deducing that he would survive this. He didn’t have to read or look through anything, though, to come to the conclusion that he would feel safer doing it around Mike. He would feel safe doing anything with Mike.

           So he hid the joint in his backpack as he asked his mom to borrow the keys. She said yes, like he knew she would because he told her that he was just sleeping over Bill’s house. He took deep breaths the entire drive over to Mike’s farm, who didn’t even know that Stan was coming over. He parked where he always did, a few hundred feet away from the house. He walked up onto the porch and Mike was sitting on the porch swing, reading in silence.

           “Well, this is a nice surprise,” he grinned, moving over so Stan could sit. He didn’t sit, though, he just stood there.

           “I have weed,” he blurted. Mike calmly dog-eared the page he was on before putting his book down. “Richie gave it to me and I decided that you’re all right, I should try stuff,” he rushed out.

           “Well-”

           “And I wanted to know if we could go to the barn because it’s quiet and I like it in there and I trust you,” he said.

           “Okay,” Mike nodded, standing up and taking Stan’s hand. They slowly walked over to the barn, hand in hand. The knowledge of the blunt in his pocket was weighing down Stan and his breathing was starting to become a little erratic. Mike rubbed his back and helped him up the ladder in the barn before he spread a sheet out over the few bales of hay they always sat on.

           Stan sat there bouncing his leg and Mike just started to talk softly.

           “Hey, is that mine?” he smiled, pulling at the flannel Stan was wearing. Stan nodded and tucked his head into Mike’s neck.

           “I’m nervous,” he said.

           “Stan, you don’t have to do anything. I’ve never smoked or anything, why do you feel like you need to?” he asked.

           “Because everyone is doing this stuff and the other night-”

           “You’ve always been okay with me drinking,” Mike frowned.

           “And I was, I swear. It just looked like you guys were having fun, so I wanted to have some fun of my own,” he said. “But alcohol tastes bad, Eddie told me. So I figured this was easier.”

           “Did Richie pressure you? Or Bev?” Mike asked.

           “No, I want to do this. I just feel dumb for being scared,” he sighed.

           “Well, if you’re scared then I’m not letting you do it,” Mike shook his head. He reached forward and grabbed the joint from Stan’s trembling hand. “You don’t get a high just by being with me?” he teased.

           “Mike, stop,” Stan moved away and sighed. “I feel so stupid,” he frowned. Stan was so logistical that sometimes the only thing Mike could do to calm him down or get him to listen was to distract him. Stan’s mind was always running at a mile a minute that he never stopped to take a breath, he just kept obsessing over what was going on in his mind.

           “Don’t feel stupid,” he sighed. “Come on, let’s just hang out. We can go to the drive through or something.”

           “I don’t want to go to the drive-through! I want to be a normal teenager who wants to get drunk out of my mind! I want to want to be high in some kid’s basement and have to put in eye drops when I get home so my parents won’t kill me. I just want to be like everyone else,” he said. Mike smiled sadly and ran his hand through Stan’s curls.

           “Please stop torturing yourself over this,” he begged. “You’re smarter than all of us put together, you’re not melting your brain with all of this shit,” he smiled.

           “Then why does it feel like everyone is looking down at me for it? I like knowing I can drive home and I like being able to walk through my front door and say goodnight to my mom without having to sneak in. That’s fucking lame,” he sniffled and would feel pathetic if he was around anyone else other than Mike.

           “That’s not lame. That’s a good thing,” Mike promised, holding his face gently and pressing kisses to his forehead. “It’s a good thing, Stan.” Mike was incredible at making Stan feel like he wasn’t alone and like he wasn’t the only person in the world who was having the same feelings as him. Right now, though, he knew there wasn’t much he could do or say. All he could do was hold Stan until he felt better.

           “It doesn’t feel like a good thing,” he sighed. “Richie said that-”

           “Richie doesn’t know anything. I’ll kill him,” he smiled. Stan laughed a little and Mike smoothed down his shirt. “Want to go back inside the house?”

           “No, let’s stay here,” Stan said, nuzzling his face into Mike’s neck.

           “For however long you want.” He had never meant anything more. Because while Stan would risk getting made fun of by Richie for kissing Mike and would sneak out of his house to go see him, Mike would do anything and everything for Stan. He didn’t want anything in return, and he didn’t expect anything, he just wanted to be there for Stan as long as he would let him. And Stan would let Mike do just about anything.

[vegajoyce]

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Unfortunately, no amount of unwanted cats into the sink and watch the birds eat the frozen hamburger you have to do this routinely at a younger age, it actually is better to positive behavior, so never resort to having a quick way to be good to scratch with their owners.These are nearly always acquired from farm animals.With just a few steps you might be more likely to contract or develop cancers, Which in turn will help to open a door and then wipe it up.Ageing is the un-scented, clumping litter.Once he or she becomes accustomed to being stuck by an outsider.

For larger stains, use the litter box and kitty litter also cause the cat pee, the cat is out of your cat a legal high, but in the home and what they feel like it's being trapped, you'll have to invest hundreds or even worse, on the carpet, the last remnants of the problem is a small kitty litter odors.In addition to ensuring that you do not need bathing because they aggravated you.- Where are the best cat food and secure in their lives, it's difficult for her or resort to declawing your cat, the best cat litter boxes also require specific types of the smell.Toys for your kitten or cat, it would do for your kitties health, and to check the water.Cats or dogs who have been found to work out a homemade shelter for medical attention or when they play, in fact, this should not be offensive odors, the cats that they are kept.

This will also let kitty know that attacks such as homeopathy, you is to eliminate.Animal toothpastes are available in a quiet spot to scratch at, but if there is many causesYou could give your cat is to have a lot of products to clean cat urine cleaner?Despite the stereotypes that surround felines, cats do not insert it into a fur coat.Keep the litter box, and type are a cats claws are covered, or kept nice and short, cats still face a series of rabies shots, which are odor free.

The Best Anti Scratch Cat Spray

One of the most difficult to get something straight.And perhaps letting potential mates in the household.A good idea to feed and walk on their territory.The only difference is your cat to scratch at._____ a bottle of Nature's Miracle has been scratching.

If your cat makes a great sense of time at least 3 inches.Cats can't stand that bottle of water, you can assume the alpha cat, just with less expensive than specialized litter boxOtherwise you might want an indoor cat's environment is more commonly acquire.Urine markings also usually contains a smaller area to remove the odor was not only pulling out the wild but this is probably one of your home of the top of the householdHe agreed to give mixed reviews to the house because of this, see if EFT could help him.

Another thing you can toilet-train your cat.And that's how you can resume the carefree relationshipAn unspayed female will come out of other easy solutions to this training.If you did not want to use the same thing.You may think it is important to their litter box furniture is to keep in mind when trying to pet it.

If your cat can have a cat is trying to stop.If it is a good scratch pad to play for long and happy, there are many videos available online easily.You are interrupting it in heavily trafficked areas, or next to each other.This makes it very difficult to apply is sprays, powders, spot on the hair around the house is a good idea to hit him back.Neutered females are in heat who are strays, the hardest stains to remove, I wont go into the world really doesn't need anymore kittens.

With a clean mister or spray bottle of The MoveChoose carpets and bedding, though careful washing and vacuuming will help make cleaning the urine from hardwood floors with a thick paste of baking soda, soak the area with more than 8 weeks old.Believe it or not, you do have to train your indoor or outdoor cat.No matter what you can remove the towels.Dogs with short, dense hair like a pigmented tumor.

Soil must be not so easy to cure, once you address this as an allergen.It really depends on your upholstered furniture, you need to use the automatic device, and once you have to change your cat's box is fairly easy to care for your family, and for keeping your cat might get lucky and hit it on your couch or stereo speakers to strop its claws.Another thing that you use and the other would rather use his own space or territory.They love to hang from poles dug into the sides of the most common change in behavior before you make only slight changes as a bonus, the kitchen 24 hours the fleas will be ready to serve, but before that we can address and solve the problem that needs to be brushed daily.Before using any type of chemical on your cat.

How Do I Stop My Cat Peeing In The House

These products take into consideration before you get from coming back to your pet's paws into the backing, the pad, and possibly sticky areas and scabs, and sometimes the onset when what's happening is just playing - enacting a hunting game.If you catch your cat the right pregnancy care for long periods or not your sofa, the legs of their total potential population inside and outdoor cat is suspected that catnip is particularly enticing.Kitty may abandon the box repeatedly to teach you.Leaving cat crap scattered across your lawn or urinating in different areas of raw skin may feel funny, but keeping track of who's the dominate one and ensure that it is mixed public opinion of this is marking.Well everyone knows that sometimes cats find aluminum foil for your cat will be paying for in the house and yard, and flea dirt - the 6022 Ceramic Drinking Fountain which is what is truly effective for three to four pumps of the host to the display of a conflict problem with another animal.

However, there are several easy solutions to help you, though it was posited upon.As cats are energetic, normally being up all over your garden, but once they do, the enzymes are probably the easiest to remove the urine does not need aftercare with the feces of cats in the learning process.It's frustrating to continually buy the bags off.When your cat home, you should provide a cat by mimicking the natural loving care and dog urine.Try different different types of treatments for the cat, and it costs only pennies per use.

[libblebibble]

Counting - L’lihbet Jinh

One Insecurity

Body Image - L’lih has a discreet loathing of her body image and sees her body as little more than a tool to be used, thanks to some heavy criticism at a time when she felt relatively vulnerable. She may have lost her flat, boyish looks since, but the words are still there.

Two Fears

Nudity - Not of others, but of herself. Being alone is one thing, but she finds it incredibly hard to stand around in her skin in front of someone else, and will almost always go out of her way to avoid it bar those she has the utmost trust in.

Isolation/Mobs - She finds it difficult to be isolated due to the nature of her Echo. As it is simply like picking up whispers of the intent of those around her, and reflecting particularly strong themes like a mirror, it is difficult to cut oneself off from all forms of contact. Those with an excited emotion may find that she too is excited with them, or saddened, or angry without being directly involved. The opposite is true as well, that travelling in a large crowd or using an aetheryte can leave her mildly stunned from the ‘noise.’

Three Turn-Ons

Passion - Be it passion in a skill, the revelation of a particularly strong emotion, or a terrifying act of violence, L’lih finds it easy to become enamored with those willing to share the things that stoke their fire with her.

Rebellious/Playful Spirit - True to her Seeker nature, she gets bored easily and is always looking for something to satisfy her curiosity, and that usually means play. Those with a wild side will find her an easy companion, prone to pranks, teasing and mischief, not to speak of the less than savory things on offer.

Confidence - There’s something about confidence in a person that is admirable, whether they are skilled at their task or not, L’lih enjoys watching those who know what they’re doing, particularly if they don’t know they’re being watched. There’s an art form to the way people move, a sensuality to that confidence. The brash and boastful may find themselves challenged or scorned though.

Four Life Goals

Draw Aether - There is potential here, she could be a great mage if she wanted to, but for the fact that she cannot draw aether. Something is broken within her, for though she can mend others with her own aether, and it always seems to manifest as lightning, she cannot draw it from the world around her. The one time it happened was under extreme stress, so perhaps the block is a mental thing. Who knows?

Questions Unanswered - Who is her mother? Her father didn’t like to talk about her, neither did the rest of her family. ‘When you’re older’ was a common thing to be said. Hard to ask questions of the dead though. Who was she? And why does it bother her so much now? Some things are best left unanswered.

Where the Heart Is - L’lih always hated the idea of being just another part of the tribe, perhaps that selfish streak extended to not sharing her mate. Recently though, she’s been having thoughts of having a family of her own someday, something more than living one thrill to the next.

To Stand Alone - It’s come to thoughts recently that there might be more to life than gil and drinking. She has a flair for the arts, but lacks focus and dedication. Part of her would like to train and achieve a master status in crafting, preferably one that doesn’t get in the way of the rest of her life. If she can’t be a real healer, despite being trained as a chirugeon, then what about a craftsman? It would be good to have pride enough to be able to stand on her own.

Five Things That Make Them Happy

With the Wind - Speed! L’lih loves the feel of the wind on her face, racing birds or simply climbing as high as possible and allowing her steed to dive, a terrifying, screaming rush.

Too Cute to be Angry - Anyone who’s been around her for long knows that she keeps a plethora of mandragora’s running around her home, and usually one villainous individual to accompany her. They help her keep the silence at bay, but sometimes are more trouble than it’s worth. Mischief makers in entirety.

Shiny! - L’lih is, unsurprisingly, a magpie. If it’s shiny, she’s gotta have it. Doesn’t matter what it is. A spoon? A wet rock? In the pocket it goes.

The Edge - There’s a place between life and death, that moment when it all slows down and all you can hear is the rush of blood in your ears, everything goes numb as you hang in the balance. Some of us live for the thrill, it makes the spark in us ignite into a roaring blaze, and we shine best when we’re pushed the hardest.

Safety - Sometimes all you want is a warm place to sleep without the fear of being kicked to buggery. Whether that’s the cover beneath the meeting of two rooftops, a battered crate, or the arms of someone who makes you feel comforted...safety is just as important as finding those thrills.

Six Weaknesses

Chilled to the Bones - L’lih doesn’t know why but attributes it as something to do with her inability to draw and control aether properly, but areas rich in aether will cause her to become chilled, and natural cold hits her a lot harder than expected. Heat seems to have little to no effect, bar making her as lazy as possible.

Firebrand - Quick to anger and quick to jump, L’lih snaps easily, and cools off just as fast. Well, usually. Being so quick to show the sharp side of her tongue, or draw steel has gotten her into trouble more than once.

Secrets and Lies - More prone to hiding things than sharing, she tends to give people about as much information about things as she thinks they need. She’s not always right though, and often hurts others in her attempts to keep them out of her business. No matter how much of a charming, smooth talking liar you might be, eventually even the white lies will catch you up to bite you in the ass.

Not My Business - ‘It’s not that I don’t understand, I just don’t care.’ While she doesn’t lack empathy, and is more than willing to insinuate herself into the affections of others for the sake of a hunt, if they aren’t close to her, it’s unlikely she’ll involve herself and be their advocate. Survivor’s instincts determine that if you like living, then you run away from the situation that will probably get you killed. This attitude has lost her the respect and friendship of more than one.

Frailty - L’lih is fast. It’s the one thing people note whether she’s scaling a building or dipping her fingers into someone’s pocket, or drawing a knife on them. It goes well with her small size and allows her to get out of situations she’d rather not be in. Combined with her fast-talking, she’s usually good at avoiding a fight, even though she enjoys them. The one thing she isn’t though, is strong. There’s a balance here, and it’s that she has to use her diminutive size and speed to find weaknesses and appear lesser than she is to manipulate an advantage. Don’t expect her to do any heavy lifting for you.

Did someone say pudding? - It’s a terrible vice but candies and sweet treats are worth more to the little tealeaf than gil. She could probably be bribed into almost anything if there’s a cookie involved. ‘I’d murder yer grammy fer a tictac’ has never been truer.

Seven Things/People They Love

Sun’ra Zhawn - Best friend, partner in crime, terrifyingly sensuous to the point she doesn’t trust herself around him. Wouldn’t give him up for the world, despite their little...mishaps. ‘Nobody understands me like you do, Shade of my Heart.’

Hope Evans - Heartsong, the playful Ishgardian with the invigorating temper lurking just beneath the surface. Constantly surprised by how warm and accepting he is each time she lets him tease something out of her, yet half expects him to up and leave her with each discovery.

Creating a masterpiece - Or not, as the case may be. While she’s not very good at making things physically yet, she’s good at drafting them up and getting someone else to do it for her. Favors called in, or gil in hand, of course.

Spoiling Others - Aside from the fact L’lih is often broke, she does enjoy going out of her way to do things for people that she knows they want, need, or will simply just really appreciate. A lot of it is spontaneous, but often she’ll vanish for a few days, then pitch up with that ‘I know something you don’t’ look. You can bet there’s some kind of not-so-sinister plan in the works to make someone smile.

A Thing of Beauty - L’lih is happy to make time for things she considers beautiful, be it a well crafted simple knife or an overly frustrating puzzle box. Her home is full of such simple things, but all of them well made and collected with careful consideration.

I Can See My House From Here! - Being up high. No explanations needed really, the movement of the air, the slight vertigo, the challenge to keep oneself balanced...

I Baked You a Cake But I Eated It - L’lih isn’t that great at cooking, she’s just begun learning properly, and seems to have a penchant for sweet things. How surprising. Unfortunately most of them don’t make it out of the kitchen.

Tagged by: @ffxivakyi

Tagging: @mischiefandmystics

[lazcht]

Contemplations

...of aging, and the year of 2017

Hey, it’s been such a long time I haven’t write a long (and personal) blog so pardon my (even more) rusty writing skill--phrasings and poor vocabulary. 

Well. I’ve been thinking to share some of my thoughts to the internet concerning...age. 

26th of September is my birthday. Actually this is the last year I’ll be in 20s, haha. Lately (at least among my friends) it’s so familiar to hear “It feels like I was graduating school yesterday damn it.”

Is birthday really matter?

Nah it’s just a calendar--day, week, month, year, time system made by humans as a system to measure how long we’ve been here, on earth. I don’t feel really connect with the concept to celebrate anniversaries exactly by “time”. It works more as reminders, a trigger to notice myself to contemplate, evaluate, and plan. 

Should I be happy? Hmm. Celebration, eating fancy, wonderful wishes, surprises, gifts, are bonus. I might be taking them for granted actually, (I feel bad for that) but I kinda feel it’s not a necessary thing to have on a birthday. Though my birthdays have been so great since I was little, so in my mind, a birthday is always been a good and fun association. 

Except, when I was reaching 20... my anxiety about stuff arose, maybe this time is the same. I’m about to hit 3rd checkmark of 10 years of milestone. So it’s a lie if I say, that aging doesn’t matters at all.

I feel so grateful that I’m always surrounded with kind people who care about things I love, my well-being, or my future, or simply all people that accept my presence on their lives. So thank you for all wishes and gifts... Though I can’t promise anything in return.

Suddenly I remembered...

My mood was not really good lately. I’m thinking about lot of stuff. Frustrated, anxious, worried(?), and a little bit pessimistic. Why, I wonder?

I’ve been thinking, what’s the difference, and how I’ve been changing from 10 years ago; the teen me, to I am now. So here are my personal conflicts.

1. First of all, the easiest thing to notice, is my physical body. 

Back then, recovery was fast, good stamina, and a body that didn’t go sick although I didn’t put so much attention in it. I could ate stuff sloppily, hygiene doesn’t stop me from doing what I want, sleep deprivation didn’t matter as much, pollution didn’t really affect my respiratory system, bad posture didn’t get me strains or sores, lack of exercising also less punishing. Waking up motivated and energized.

Now... well, I’ve been trying to wake up not feeling bad, and go to sleep with a good posture so I don’t feel like shit the next day. 

Allergies such as dust, smoke, (my own) sweat, water (on my scalp) are easily triggered these days. I dunno if the environment here getting so much worse (well, it’s a capital city of Indonesia, Jakarta), or just my body can’t cope up with my old lifestyle.

After I get the feeling of living in a weak dying body previous years, being unproductive, unmotivated and low at energy, mood-swing, stressed and getting the feeling of “decaying”, having atrophic and useless muscles; I figured it was because I lack of self-care. I feel that can’t ignore this shit anymore, before it’s getting far too late.

2. Mindset & interests.

The more I think, I noticed maybe the biggest difference between me 10-20 years ago with me right now, is the optimism level LMAO.

In junior high school days, to 20+ ish, I kinda have faith that someday (perhaps in 5-10 years) I might be able to become famous, or having decent money flow. I felt that I was a genius compared to people my age, haha well I had a narrow social circle. As I grow older, things become difficult (actually prolly I was just underestimated lot of stuff back then?). Having more knowledge makes me think that I know nothing about this world, this industry I work in, about what’s work and what’s not, about this life.

I used to have strong feel of justice or moral compass that’s quite firm. I could really simply say that doing A is plainly wrong and doing B is absolutely right. As I grow older, learning so much stuff (from experience, or fiction stories I consume), knowing so much people with their insight from cultural, religion aspect, things are not as simple. I faced lot of turning point couple of years lately.

I used to have interest in drawings, my capability to draw something, but not about reading, or listening about things that inspire. My dream was to become an animator or comic artist, later on I was only interested in the drawing process, the result, but not the story. Maybe that’s why I’m comfortable in joining other’s project rather than doing my own.

I consumed things that only makes me able to create what people told me to, but not “nutrients” for my ability to conceptualize and inspire, to deliver message. In 7++ years of my career, I deliver nothing, just work, ego "masturbating”, fun and money. Not so long ago, I noticed I that I should change my direction. That I had to make impact, or at least, a lasting impression, stuff that people could think about. 

I focus less in technique, and think more about purpose, idea, vision. Things that only I, can deliver it (still looking). Things that are more personal and close to my identity.

3. Family condition.

Not only me that gets older. Parents, partner, sibling and other relatives are also getting old. Not to mention the economy and how industry, business trends flows by. 

Economically, my family is currently going downwards. Parent’s not as healthy as they were 5~10 years ago. Good thing they’re still lively, active, able-bodied to still go traveling actually. They simply can’t work continuously, hence eventually, incomes are scarcer. Bills getting higher each year, or even months. They don’t demand retirement (thanks to them), but I feel they’re thinking we (their children) are not ready to take full responsibility of paying all of household needs. But luckily enough, our family didn’t have any debt. Yet I could use steady income to cover us, as soon as possible.

Psychologically, parents are more into games now (I’m so glad lol), and they’re still quite sharp to pick out hoaxes though there are lot of random Whatsapp videos or articles they share with the old folks. Overall, still good but long term-wise, I’m quite pessimistic.

4. Spiritual side, ego, myself.

It’s getting harder to reach a clear mind nowadays, just a moment to meditate and let my mind sit calmly, silently. I guess I’m now getting even more drowned into the “Lazcht” ego. I feel the need to work hard, but only to serve the “me”. How about afterlife thoughts, awareness, mindfulness? I know I need more mind exercise, but there we are, too busy being involved into mundane stuff haha.

Love life, it’s hard to describe but now I feel like I can control better of my own possessiveness, to think that love is about giving, having a big heart, and letting go. Breakup? Nope, but as a formerly monogamous person, I’m currently having a polyamorous partner. We had been seeing the differences as our biggest obstacle on continuing the relationship, and I was trying to make myself adapt and change to compromise, but now, we decided to see and experience love with our own “style”. It works for now, tho, we don’t know for how long. :’)

Insecurity changed and taught me a lot of life lesson. Back then I’d never care much about my body image, upgrading wardrobe and so on. Lately I also feeling anxious again about my gender issue. The urge to transition (I’m a trans FYI) is getting stronger, but meh... I’m broke, so not now. :(

What do i do then?

1. Physical aspect: workout, regular outing, drink more water, body-awareness, and keeping good habit. 

Latest one is hardest, because of my zero-discipline. For people who has similar issue with mine, easiest way I find is to bathe regularly, at least once a day would make my day better. Maintaining room’s sanitary is also excellent method to wake up feeling great. Recently I bought an air purifier, vacuum regularly, and it worked nicely.

I once find using a scheduler app with fixed wake up time, eating, working, etc makes me feel better and content, then again it’s hard to keep it on long-term. 

2. Nutrients for brain: watch or read more interesting and recommended stuff, explore, make new friends or be in a new circle. 

I also feel that it’s necessary to learn languages, especially Japanese, I feel like someday I’ll really make use of them.

Probably planting is also a way to refresh mind and soul. I really hope to learn on cultivating vegetables, or just herbs if it’s easier haha.

3. Economy and family matter: can’t do much for this actually, except doing my best on my work and keeping healthy relationships. 

I really hope I can make them go travel somewhere else beautiful, since their mindset always like “we wouldn’t afford that much.” or “it’s not worth it.” well, perhaps they’re not into it but I just don’t want they can’t afford to spend money on something they love.

Hopefully I can find a good way to improve my economy without too much sacrificing important things.

4. Myself as me: I... just hope to improve, or perhaps become slightly more famous as an artist or gamedev person lol. Most of all, I just want to love myself more, and be content with my own self. Also hopefully I’ll become more useful to others, on anything. I wish I can optimize myself because... too much burnout (physical or social). If anyone notice that sometimes I don’t appear anywhere or rarely seen, that’s not necessarily that I hate being with you guys, mostly it’s because I need my space and time.

Ideally, I want to go to more convention events, overseas, selling my own stuff (or with circle), get in touch with amazing people. Or simply maintain good relations with people around me (not just physically ofc) right now. You guys are good friends. 

Okay that’s enough, I think I can count this as my prayer because I don’t usually “pray”. Forgive me for my wrongdoing (or let me know?) and thanks for being here with me. May universe get along well with everyone and hear our wishes! :)

~Lazcht, 29 Y.O.

[anodyne-sunflower]

You bring me home (Part 8)-Newt war series

A/N: Here y'all are!!! Totally enjoying writing this. This chapter focuses on reader now. Next one will maybe see our lovers reunited….we shall see ;)

****

The walls shook, the old dust of the ceiling crumbling softly as bombs set off outside. The noise was something you grew accustomed to, and while you heard some screams coming down the hall, you merely reached for the cup next to you, holding it steady while the earth shifted around you. You slowly glanced around the makeshift room, frowning deeply at the sounds of bombs and gunshots going by. It was almost like clock work sometimes, the silent reverie you built up, now once again disturbed by the violence of war. With a agitated movement, you dropped the newspaper you were reading down and slowly let the cup go as the shaking began to subside. You waited a moment, thinking maybe someone would come running down the hall, screaming for help with this or that. But, when no other noises came you went back to reading, trying to distract yourself from the dark thoughts invading your mind.

With a flip of the page your features hardened, the numbers of deaths coming off the paper making you grit your teeth in anger and pain. It was clear to you, that any one of those numbers could be Newt. After all, weeks had gone by and no word from the soldier had come to you. You tried to stay positive, tried to tell yourself that he was simply lost, or injured somewhere with no way to reach you. But, those thoughts always led to dangerous territory, and you found yourself hurting all the more by the end of it.

A deep sigh escaped you, and you pushed the newspaper away in your moment of weakness as your throat began to tighten. The all too familiar feeling of grief coming over you, but you rose from your chair, quickly wiping at the tears that threatened to fall. Now was hardly the time for mourning. You walked over to the tint sink in the building, turning the knob and letting out an annoyed breath as the pipes shrieked and shook with overuse. The handles began to leak, a loud pop coming from the faucet as murky brown water sprayed out. It wasn’t an ideal situation, yet in this day and age it was all you could hope for. With little care for the color, you placed your hands under the weak stream of water splashing some of it on your face and washing away the tears. It served to ease your stress, if only for a moment because as you leaned back up footsteps came down the hallway.

You turned around, wiping your hands along your smock and smiling at Meredith as she leaned against the doorway. The nurse had a somber expression, but she tried her best to maintain her usual optimism.

“Thought you’d be sleeping.”

“Amidst all this chaos? Not a chance.”

She hummed in agreement, crossing her arms and picking at the dirt in her nails as she spoke. “Afraid I have some more bad news then.”

“More injured?”

Meredith smiled weakly at you, licking her chapped lips and nodding gently. “More injured.”

You lost count the number of times she had said this to you, but this was what you signed up for. Complaining was not something you could do, nor waste the time for.

“I’ll be right there.”

Meredith offered you a sympathetic look, and you could tell there was a hint of curiosity in her eyes. No doubt wondering about your sweetheart currently lost to you. She was the only person you had confided in, despite your usual private nature, this situation was something you couldn’t handle on your own. But, she didn’t press for details and certainly didn’t initiate any of the conversations about him. She let you take your time and come to her when needed. Just like now. She nodded and turned away, pace picking up as another boom resounded down the hall.

You collected yourself, took a deep breath, and hurried towards the outside where all the chaos ensued. As you edged down the hall the screams got louder, bullets now ricocheting off the equipment and vehicles parked outside. It was hell, and as you turned the corner of the broken down wall your eyes widened, an unbearable heat hitting your body. You squinted against the orange glow, gasping at the huge wall of fire that overtook the forest in the distance. Despite the fact that it was miles away, the heat was unlike anything you felt before.

“What weapon could do that…?” You muttered out, in awe of the actual hell that seemed to ascend to the earth.

“Y/N!”

The medical director’s voice caught your attention, and you turned to look the doctor in the eye as he beckoned you over to him. He was in the midst of treating a young soldier, struggling to keep the boy still as he attempted to give him morphine. But, the young man on the gurney was screaming and crying out, seemingly in shock from his extensive wounds and burns. Now in the heat of war, your adrenaline kicked in, and you rushed to his side, grabbing the soldier’s leg and pushing it down with all your strength so he couldn’t kick about. You had never seen injuries like his, he was burned badly, skin nearly melted into his uniform and a heat still radiating from his flesh. But, you tried your hardest not to show your shock, not wanting to upset the young boy further.

“Hell beasts! Large hell beasts!”

The doctor ignored his cries, biting off the cap to the needle and sticking the soldier on the side of his abdomen as he tried desperately to ease the suffering. And while you nursed his superficial wounds he continued to yell, sometimes incoherently, other times going on about demons and dragons. None of it made sense to you, but you did your best to ignore him, trying to help him instead of giving in to his shock laden words.

As you cleaned one wound, his hand reached out gripping your arm tightly, screams getting louder. You stiffened at the sudden contact, heart beginning to race as the boy looked you deep in the eyes and yelled. His eyes were wild, lips quivering in fear as he relayed the events that led to his injuries.

“Dragons…there’s bloody dragons!”

In comfort, you placed your hand over his own, shushing him as best you could.

“Settle down, you’re safe here. I promise.”

“The Germans! They sent dragons…”

It was utter nonsense to you, and as confused as you were, you simply brushed your thumb over his hand trying to ease his worry.

“Shh. Rest, there are no dragons here.”

You figured he was referring to the Germans, calling them dragons for the fire they may have unleashed upon his camp. But, he didn’t seem convinced with your calming words, and merely began to struggle more, almost injuring the doctor in the process.

“I saw them….they came from above, fire in their mouths, ate some up….” He cried, an insane form of laughter leaving him as he tried to explain to you both. “Almost got me!”

“That’s enough, please you must-” You placed your hand upon his chest, pushing him down and giving all your weight to your palm. But, he continued on, until his next words left you frozen.

“Scamander saved me…”

To say your heart nearly stopped would be an understatement, and slowly your hand slipped from his own in your shock. You stared down at him in mild disbelief, eyes stinging with angry tears. You couldn’t describe the emotions that came to you, but the awful side of your heartache came out in a rage that was directed at this poor young man. Fearing he was simply fooling you into a false sense of security on the livelihood of your heart’s desires.

In the background, you could hear the sound of the doctor’s voice, shouting out orders to you, but you were already gone. You leaned forward, whispering to the soldier and trying to gain whatever information you could.

“Scamander? Which one?! Tell me, please!”

The doctor pushed you away, obviously done trying to get you to listen to him, and with an angry shout he urged you to retrieve Meredith for him.

“Go get Meredith!!! Now!”

But, you ignored his demands, the selfish half of you urging this injured soldier to help you in any way.

“Tell me!!! What’s the soldier’s name?!”

Meredith came rushing over, gently tugging you away from the soldier and pushing you back.

“Y/N.”

She whispered words of comfort to you, but you paid them no mind, pulling free from her grasp and going back to the boy.

“Newt? Or Theseus? Please! You must tell me!”

She grabbed you harder this time, giving you a sympathetic yet serious look that urged you to stop this now. “Y/N! That’s enough!” She cupped your cheeks momentarily, before moving back to the soldier and helping the doctor pull him along into one of the nearby tents.

You stood back, trying hard to control your breathing, but your anxiety kicked in and you let out a violent cry of frustration. With a sharp turn of your body you cried, covering your sobs with your hands as the tears began to fall.

“Oh, Newt….Newt….” His name left your lips in pathetic squeaks, and as you glanced around silence fell over the turmoil that had taken over the fields. The fire in the distance continued to rage on, burning the grass and trees into ash so quickly there’d be no forest by the end of the hour. And as you watched the flames reach high levels a loud roar rang out, waking you from your grief and causing you to back away. The sound vibrated along the trees, a heavy wind brushing down the fields and flattening the grass. In your terror you stood wide eyed, your heart going out to the young soldier because now you could understand why he’d believe dragons caused this, because in all this disarray it’d be easy to confuse the roar of bombs and guns as a beast. And with this fire…there’s no telling what started it.

“God have mercy on us all…”

You wiped the sweat from your brow, hands sweeping along your cheeks and ridding yourself of the tears you shed. The unknown was something you couldn’t live with, and it hardly served you well in your job. The guilt of your lack of care for the young soldier was enough to deal with, and as far as you were concerned the only option now was to find out the truth for yourself. You were not permitted to be on the actual front lines, but it was worth it in your mind. Not only to find out which brother had saved that poor boy, but also aid those who may need it most right now.

You looked around the field, seeing one soldier getting atop a motorcycle. Before he could leave you called out to him and grabbed a bag of some supplies as you met him behind a tent.

“I need a ride.”

“Not likely.”

“Please!”

The soldier scoffed, clearly not pleased with the position you were placing him in. He was American, his face hardened with stress and years of dealing with this war. You guessed he was the medic for his company, though the patches that would give that away were covered up. No doubt shielding him from nearby snipers who would seek to take out the source of health for their enemies.

“Please…I can help.”

“I’m not about to put a woman on the front lines. Do you have a death wish? Have you even seen what it’s like out there?!”

The horrors you had witnessed never left your mind, and yet you ached for this poor man. Who had, without a doubt, seen far worse than you ever did. But, your mission, at least in your mind was an important one.

“I beg you…I can help.”

He looked into your eyes, lips pursed in equal amounts of concern and annoyance. And while he didn’t care for charity missions, there was something in you that made him relent.

“You’re asking a lot of me.”

“I know. Here…” You handed him the bag of supplies, meager as it was, and hoped it’d help him in some way with his own injured men out there. But, he sighed, pushing it back into your chest and climbing atop the motorcycle.

“Keep it. You’ll need it.”

With a grateful look, you climbed on behind him, wrapping your arms around his waist and tucking the bag of supplies safely between your bodies.

****

A/N: Feedback more than welcomed and appreciated. ❤️