#Unsanctioned SDL Fashion Report

[unnaturalequilibrium]

What's that colour? Salmon? Peach? Pepto bismol? 

I don't know. I'm not married to the colour but I love the look of that shirt on her. It’s obviously time appropriate for the show, but it’s also kind of modern. There’s something about the way the material and the cut falls across her lanky frame that feels decidedly modern and I like it. It’s not that I don’t care for fifties fashion, honestly this show has given me a new appreciation for it, but my brain likes recognising things. This is an island of familiarity in a sea of double breasted dresses, frills and extremely pointy bras.

Granted the skirt looks a little like maybe she got dressed in the dark and accidentally put on the bed cover instead, but it works for me somehow. Maybe it’s the colour combo that pops. Pepto bismol and bedspread goes together like…horse and radish?

I also like the addition of that ill-fated mother’s necklace. It’s a scene stealer in more ways than one, but it looked good with that shirt. It’s funny though how it’s such a frail looking thing on its own, but with that outfit becomes weirdly…solid. I don't know why I feel like it makes her look strong, but it does. 

modern Pepto Bismol look - [8 out of 10]

[unnaturalequilibrium]

Hmm, the Yellow-Elmo outfit - I feel like whatever I say about this one is going to give you a dubious impression about me and my relationship with furries. I mean, yes I have a game in my Steam library called Furry Pride, but - I also have the kind of friends who when sending me money will gladly label the transaction "drugs" or "tnx 4 prostitu". It’s just that I’ve played too much FFXIV to not be a little uncomfortable around them, the furries that is. I don’t kink shame as a rule. But it is weird though, isn’t it?!

The Elmo part aside, I sort of feel like this outfit is something you dress a toddler in, grown women and terrycloth just doesn't slap. It’s the kind of outfit that looks like it can also be used as a napkin, a tissue and a blanket. To be fair it's more the material and colour of it than the design I’m having an issue with, but honestly— my mind’s initial connection was to that kid in the second Ghostbuster movie. I feel like I saw that kid in this outfit. Or was that a fever dream? I don't know, but it's giving a little too much nursery, a little too much nesting Easter Bunny.

The best thing I can say about it is that it looks cosy. Like a soft towel or a chicken. The thing is though, she still looks really fucking good in it and I don't know if I want to know what that says about me.

yellow-Elmo look - [4 out of 10]

[unnaturalequilibrium]

(Look, I apologise in advance for what I am about to unleash. I have the fashion sense of a particle accelerator, so I should not be throwing bricks around this Hadron collider, but I just want a reason to be a bit of an asshole to and with words and have an excuse to post pictures of Marta de la Reina’s face. You’re probably a good person, so you do not deserve my fashion reports, but you’re here and until you leave—)

Brave and bold of her to try the albino tiger print and I appreciate the black velvet fuzz collar and cuffs. Gives a very Russian empress on safari look, especially with those pearls. Probably straight out of Anastasia Beaverhausen's summer collection. And despite being period accurate there’s just something about the double breasted dress that is - I mean it can afford to double the breastedness, that’s rich. Not that you’d ever mistake someone with the surname de la Reina for being poor, but sometimes it’s just easier to bring a wardrobe that in itself is so posh it probably insults the dry cleaner and is rude to the valet on its own accord. That’s money, baby. 

That said, I’m still not convinced any woman in her forties should be wearing any kind of animal print at all. Even animal prints that aren’t actually animal prints, but just look like that when you’ve got gravel in your eyes and an active imagination. Unless of course she makes it her entire personality, then it’s okay, then it’s a life choice. And I respect those. 

It’s decent though, I wouldn’t scramble for a crucifix to expel it back to hell but it doesn’t loosen my jaw either. It does get a bonus 0.5 just because she wore it when she got her flirty flirt on with Fina and her crazy-making mouth.

Haemophilic tiger look -  [5.5 out of 10]

[unnaturalequilibrium]

She is the Milky Way on its way to ask for a second mortgage at the bank. And just like Galileo - I too love the stars. So me and homeboy Galilei are going to just roll around in bed and kick our stubby little legs in excitement while we spend all night with our eyes glued to the night sky watching the constellations. Hoping they secure that second bank loan.

I kind of love this one, not just because she’s the starry night and just as beautiful. It’s a classically cut suit and the pattern and colour combo - the impression of bedazzling usually isn’t high on my list of things signifying high class, but somehow? Somehow it works. It’s probably my star fetish doing a lot of heavy lifting, but it’s a good stylish suit that makes her look really fucking good. Put together, but not severe. I mean, it’s not an outfit for every occasion, like I wouldn’t roll down to the corner shop to pick up can of Monster and a package of rice cakes in it, but if you own a small village and are a boss as bitch -  yeah, this is top notch.

And those fifties white shirt collars where it looks like you've just splayed a book wide open across your collarbones - yeah that shit gets me going.

the Milky Way look - [9.5 out of 10]

[unnaturalequilibrium]

Flashback to being 22 and reading Venus in Furs because I thought I was edgy and cool, only to close the finished book with a horrified look on my face quietly mumbling, “Oh no, it did awaken something in me”.

It’s not the fur in itself, I don’t really get that part. It’s more the idea of a woman in any fur, fake or real - pick your poison, and what it sparks. A woman in fur (even just a fur collar apparently) now comes with too many associations for it to not have my undivided attention. Attention I will be bestowing with a nervous scratch at the back of my neck as I give off a broken and cracked squawk that might at its origin have been - a tense sexually charged laugh.

Extremely bougie look, but apparently that doesn’t stop me from enjoying it. So cheers for that, Lou Reed and Sacher-Masoch.

Venus in Furs look - [8 out of 10]

[unnaturalequilibrium]

She looks like Dutch Delftware, the really expensive kind you can’t afford on a working woman’s salary. Even if I could - the pattern fucks with your depth vision so a bowl of that - just successfully scooping up your SpaghettiOs would be a fucking task, so I probably wouldn’t buy it even if I could (or so I keep telling myself). No, this is Delftware for rich people with rich tastes - like weak tea. But even though the pattern is busy as hell, it is also extremely pretty, and so is she in it. 

And I like the design and cut of the upper part of her dress. How to describe it? Like a Dorito with good cleavage? Yeah, you know that whole kind of triangular sleeveless cut, where if not for the delicate pattern and fabric I could have imagined it as something a weathered fantasy warrior wore, except theirs is in leather and maybe has some brass details. And as I’m typing this out I realise that who am thinking of is Ares of Xena fame. Anyhow, I’m sure the design is called something other than flamboyant fantasy warrior, or cleavage Dorito, but whatever you want to call it, it works for her.

Only drawback to the look is that I am now going to keep imagining what Xena would have been like if she’d played Ares. And I’m not sure this is a rabbit hole I want to go down, but here we are and down I went.

Dutch Delftware look - [7 out of 10]

[unnaturalequilibrium]

She looks like a grieving monochrome boondoggle keychain with earmuffs. You know those brightly coloured plastic braids that were way too popular as keychains in the 80s/90s and whenever the hell Napoleon Dynamite is meant to take place. Pretty sure that if you melted a bunch of those - you'd get this.

I really don’t know what to feel about this. Because she’s undeniably pretty, but at the same time are we sure she’s not wearing the repurposed vinyl seat cover that was left over when Mel’s dinner declared bankruptcy? Practical for sure, especially when it’s covered in ketchup and mustard giving it that Pollock look - all you have to do is bring out a high pressure washer and hose it down. But is it something you are supposed to wear upon your body?

At the same time it fits her and I don’t mean that as a slam on her pretty. So how the fuck do you rate that?

boondoggle keychain look - [? out of 10]

[unnaturalequilibrium]

No. Just no. She is not the Avon lady and I do not like it. Take it back.

the Avon lady look - [1 out of 10]

[unnaturalequilibrium]

My aunt has this throw pillow. My aunt also has more money than she knows what to do with and what would diplomatically be referred to as; an eclectic sense of style. It’s not that it’s ugly, because it isn’t, but would you call this dress pretty? I don’t think we should call it pretty. That’s a disservice to pretty.

She does look kind of regal in this dress though. There’s something about her shoulders that seem to develop more of an attitude when they’re hidden behind its stripes. Like maybe they want to fuck you up and maybe you want them to fuck you up?

Cocky. That’s it, it makes her shoulder look cocky. They become that asshole who brags about getting hepatitis C on their holiday, can’t stop talking about their latest bungie jump and what a thrill it is to ride your motorcycle in the rain and “you had to be there”. Douchebag shoulders, but you can’t seem to just throw your drink at her and walk away, you’re invested now. You are somehow enthralled by their tall tales and maybe you’re going to end up in bed with this fucking Shane wannabe. You can already taste the next morning's regret and hangover, but you wince and raise your hand; “bartender, another Negroni!”. 

So technically she looks like a pillow, but somehow also like deep regret and stale Vermouth, but maybe I like that? I don’t really know how to score that, probably depends on how much I hate myself on that specific day.

risk taking pillow look - [4 or 7 out of 10]