#UGHH I SHOULDNT HAVE EXPERIMENTED

[pipinpali]

day 2: bat

It's become a bit of a habbit of his where he just kinda hangs upside down from places

I. I MISSED DAY ONE

I also kinda didn't finish this,,!

[certifiedgoofball]

a rant about how fucking ANNOYING my ex was when it came to my npd (even though HE HAD BPD HIMSELF) ok so first off, he was the one to help me realize i probably had bpd. and it was NICE because i was figuring things out abuot myself and i felt like i could talk to him and i was being really open. but after a bit i started feeling weird with the label, and i was noticing that i had a lot of symptoms that didnt match up with bpd, so i started researching other pds, which led me to NPD. but i had a lot of internalized ableism around the idea. so i pushed it inside myself and bottled it up, until i saw something frmo someone with NPD that i related to so deeply that i couldnt push it down anymore so i started doing more research on npd and looked at experiences from people with npd. and it made sense! it made so much sense and looking through tumblr seeing stuff from ppl with npd that were proud of their npd and were open about it and were so similar to me made me happy. so i decided to tell my boyfriend, because he was, yknow, my BOYFRIEND, and i felt i could trust him. i tell hiim that i think i might have it. at the time i was like 99% sure. and the first thing he says is i probably dont because im "too nice" and that hes SCARED. of my fucking personality disorder. which doesnt help my internalized ableism at fucking ALL. but i put it off im like whatever okay hes an anxious person its fine. but no, it just keeps going. he starts to talk about how he thinks his terribly abusive mother has npd. about how he has so much trauma over the term and how his mother is such a terrible narcissist abuser and how he still believes in narc abuse to an extent. and im like, what the fuck? listening to the things hes saying his mom doesnt even seem like a narcissist. she just seems like a regular fucking abuser. but no, of course, tell this to your boyfriend that confided in you about a terribly stigmatized disorder he thinks he might have, because of course thats good (sarcasm). and then he tells me that whenever i talk about npd i trigger him and i shouldnt talk about it so much. i shouldnt talk about my fucking PERSONALITY DISORDER. the disorder that makes up my whole personality, the one that affects the way that i think and view the world and others. but no, of course, youre allowed to talk about your bpd as much as you want, but i cant talk about my npd. (sarcasm again). if you cant handle me talking about it, imagine what its like to fucking LIVE IT. to have a disorder that everywhere i go there comes up shit about how every pwnpd is a terrible abuser and they dont deserve respect, and then i confide in my fucking BOYFRIEND about it, because i TRUST him, and i just get more stigma thrown back at my fucking face. this one is just kind of annoying and not like objectively bad, but i show them this meme one time thats like "what to do to all narcissists: tell them theyre always right" and they respond like "uhm ackshually.... its harmful to feed into their ego and tell them theyre right when they arent" LIKE I FUCKING KNOW YOU IDIOT!!! i know im not always going to be right! i know that!!!! and then they talk about how they arent comfortable when i ask for supply because they dont want to fucking "feed my ego" like what the fuck!!!! what the fuck is wrong with you!!!! and they would get fucking upset when i headcanoned a character to have npd. like what the FUCK is wrong with you. ughh!!!!!! god. they make me so angry!!!!

[dear-happypills]

me: i think that all the girls

who told me that they loved me, only said that because i convinced them to...

not because they actually meant it.

happypills: oh, jeez. conceited much?? you must have some brainwashing powers to do that...  or like. did you literally beg to convince them???? pwahahahaha. i think woo-men are STRONG, and INDEPENDENT enough to make their own decisions..

me: -_-; sometimes.... you WILLFULLY misconstrue the entire point i am trying to make..  WILLFULLY. its messed up.

happypills: dont blame me for YOU not making things very clear.. AND FOR ME BEING WOKE.

JEEEEEEEEEEEZ.

me: OHHHHHhhh. OOOHHH JEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeZ. happypills. .... happy fucking pills, is telling me that im not being very clear...... YEA> YEA. GOOD ONE. and youre like half asleep because youre high all the time. telling me about woke. TSKTSK.

happypills: oh jeez..... now youre just trying too hard...

its unbecoming.  

but, please. continue. explain yourself. clarrreeffiee thyself.

me: ......... **cough, then clears throat.  what i meantt..... was that how do you know someone actually loves you? you know? because did they genuinely mean it, and then decide no longer to be a part of your life? or maybe they were convinced that they were in love, though untrue, because certain experiences made them believe that it was love?

happypills: oh jeez.... where the hell did this come from?

me: im just saying///////// like...... wtf/

happypills: ..... well what about you? you know? with all the girls you said that too.

youre not there with them.... /// you know?

me: yea. yea, i know......

i tried to make it work though. 

happypills: Aooohhh jeeeeez. my guyyyy.... .everything you try to make “work”.....  never workssss. because your idea of make work....... is a LITTLE  very dysfunctional

me: -_-.;;;;   Aooohhh FUCKING jeeez............ i wouldnt say that it NEVER worksss.... i dont know why you have to make it a fucking absolute statement.

happypills: ok. calm down.... im only saying this because i love you.

me: ........................................ * bites lips..... th.............ank youuuuu. please, go on.

happypills: =D  look at tthatttt. so much BETTER.

as i was saying. a little dysfunctional. i mean. you want someone to love you, expecting that they shouldnt ever leave you. like, i dont think thats how love works. maybe they meant it when they said they did. but the best thing, because they loved you, was.......................to leave you?.....................

me: is.... is that a question?? or are you telling me.

happypills: ..... i. ....... i dunno. 

me: wow. i give you a platform to explain, and its neither constructive nor assured. and your advice is like, antithetical to the institution of marriage -- oh sure, just leave because you love them.

happypills: ooohohhh okay. now everyone needs to marry you.

me: noooooooooooooh. thats. ughh ARGGGGGGGGGGG . why do i even talk to you?

happypills: ................. idk.... ooooohhhwhooohoooo. do you love mehhh?????

me: -_-;;; yes........ yes. thats why im leaving you.

happypills: PSH. idk what youre talking about. 

youre the one following ME.

- happypills

[murmuringtranquility]

Im trying to avoid venting about my personal life here (and i may end up deleting this at some point cause they were thinking of joining tumblr cause of me) but i have a friend who ive very quickly befriended who ive talked about a fair amount on here. I kinda expect that theyll reveal they have feelings for me? I expressed feelings for them a month ago but they (like me) can only have crushes on friends but for them its a much longer process than for me (like for them they get crushes after months to years of being friends for me its basically after a few friendly interactions) so they turned me down then. We also both experience queer platonic crushes (look that up if you dont know it) and i think im the only person theyve met who has those. Its actually the type of crush i had on them last month. We also have very good chemistry and are into a lot of similar things (we actually befriended each other cause of chnt... i hope that doesnt prophesize anything lol). basically were very compatible on paper. Weve also gotten much much closer since i first confessed feelings like were planning to go on a trip together now, they were totally cool with me hugging them, and now we are thinking about moving in together next year. So like.. i have no idea what to do? Ik i shouldnt bank on them having feelings for me at some point cause they may not. But i feel like theres a very good chance they will but i may have to wait awhile for them to express anything. So yeah. I think im okay being single but ughh having crushes that arent purely romantic are toughh

[ur-bi-gf]

Teenager? Puberty? Breakups? Breakdowns? Exs?

OKAY. So I had to delete a few posts because i made them out of anger and that was REALLY REALLY stupid of me, and i said some things i shouldnt have, and i made a person feel like they wanted to die and...

I never wanted to do that.

I mean as a teenager, we all fuck up right? I know you know what I mean, we accidentally hurt people all the time like come on.

Idk why i added puberty, I'm done with that shit so yeet that out the window.

Break ups... OH THE BANE OF RELATIONSHIPS!!! They suck.

Actually I wanna write about how life has been lately.

Its been pretty good, but you know I just kinda wish i had someone to love n shit and give all my kisses to but i need to wait because I'm still recovering from what happened in my last relationship.

I finally told my ex why i broke up with him, i dont know if he believed me, but I'm glad i told him... Besides him, the only person who knew was my therapist... I kinda kept it secret... For... A while...

Sometimes I wish I could go back a month and tell myself to not break up with him because if i didnt, i think we wouldve had a bright future. But everything happens for a reason and i do believe that. I did learn a lot. And the next person i love, i wont make the same mistake!

I said a LOT to him out of anger and he did to me, and... I dont know how to feel about it? --- ITS WEIRD TO SAY BUT I DONT.

Cause I'm not used to him being this way obviously. And hes not used to me being this way and we lashed out on each other for stupid reasons and yeah, but thats what this is all about, learning from experience, mistakes, accidents, blahblah!

I wonder why he reads my tumblr posts sometimes...

I wish i didnt express my anger like that but its hard to control, you know when you bottle it up?

I was bottling up my sadness and depression from him leaving, and jealousy of his new gf, and all that and it all came out! You know what i mean? I wish I had a second chance to make this all right.

Oh god, also when i asked him to read my last post and he said he didnt know how to feel, thats why i blew up, god i was SOOO mad, like crying out of anger and shit. Like i literally just let down my walls and let down my guard and poured my fucking heart and soul out to this boy but his reaction was "idk". But what was i expecting, right? ... Well idk, but just not that-

God i said so many things, ame i cant believe i made him feel like that, ughhh. I wish i could say sorry but there really is no way to excuse that. I feel so bad for that, I cant even ughh...

I just got so mad, also jealousy consumed me, because i was obviously jealous of his new gf, because i always thought she was better and now theyre together, i mean come on? I have good reasons.

I wish things weren't like this, you know?

I'd like everything to be back to normal. But what is normal, right?

Hes happy with his new gf, and I'm happy until I find the right one for me because I cant date people too soon because I don't fall in love easily but when I do i stay loyal and its hard for me to fall out of it almost no matter what.

Im venting to a friend now about how bad i felt for making him feel like that, because that really isnt like me.

While I'm basically over him, it'd be cool to try again cause like it was fun while it lasted, but he disagrees.

Im fine now and in the right mind set so i hope i find someone for me one day! I probably will, i dreamt of a guy last night haha but we wont get into that ;))

I'm a teenager, so i get my mistakes. I accept them and learned. I'll move on, and live for a better future

Anyways, I hope you all have a good night! Learn from my mistakes! Dont act out of anger, you may hurt someone you loved. Goodnight/Good day!

Ps. My profile pic is Rachel Green from F. R. I. E. N. D. S.