#UGHH I SHOULDNT HAVE EXPERIMENTED

[pipinpali]

day 2: bat

It's become a bit of a habbit of his where he just kinda hangs upside down from places

I. I MISSED DAY ONE

I also kinda didn't finish this,,!

[certifiedgoofball]

a rant about how fucking ANNOYING my ex was when it came to my npd (even though HE HAD BPD HIMSELF) ok so first off, he was the one to help me realize i probably had bpd. and it was NICE because i was figuring things out abuot myself and i felt like i could talk to him and i was being really open. but after a bit i started feeling weird with the label, and i was noticing that i had a lot of symptoms that didnt match up with bpd, so i started researching other pds, which led me to NPD. but i had a lot of internalized ableism around the idea. so i pushed it inside myself and bottled it up, until i saw something frmo someone with NPD that i related to so deeply that i couldnt push it down anymore so i started doing more research on npd and looked at experiences from people with npd. and it made sense! it made so much sense and looking through tumblr seeing stuff from ppl with npd that were proud of their npd and were open about it and were so similar to me made me happy. so i decided to tell my boyfriend, because he was, yknow, my BOYFRIEND, and i felt i could trust him. i tell hiim that i think i might have it. at the time i was like 99% sure. and the first thing he says is i probably dont because im "too nice" and that hes SCARED. of my fucking personality disorder. which doesnt help my internalized ableism at fucking ALL. but i put it off im like whatever okay hes an anxious person its fine. but no, it just keeps going. he starts to talk about how he thinks his terribly abusive mother has npd. about how he has so much trauma over the term and how his mother is such a terrible narcissist abuser and how he still believes in narc abuse to an extent. and im like, what the fuck? listening to the things hes saying his mom doesnt even seem like a narcissist. she just seems like a regular fucking abuser. but no, of course, tell this to your boyfriend that confided in you about a terribly stigmatized disorder he thinks he might have, because of course thats good (sarcasm). and then he tells me that whenever i talk about npd i trigger him and i shouldnt talk about it so much. i shouldnt talk about my fucking PERSONALITY DISORDER. the disorder that makes up my whole personality, the one that affects the way that i think and view the world and others. but no, of course, youre allowed to talk about your bpd as much as you want, but i cant talk about my npd. (sarcasm again). if you cant handle me talking about it, imagine what its like to fucking LIVE IT. to have a disorder that everywhere i go there comes up shit about how every pwnpd is a terrible abuser and they dont deserve respect, and then i confide in my fucking BOYFRIEND about it, because i TRUST him, and i just get more stigma thrown back at my fucking face. this one is just kind of annoying and not like objectively bad, but i show them this meme one time thats like "what to do to all narcissists: tell them theyre always right" and they respond like "uhm ackshually.... its harmful to feed into their ego and tell them theyre right when they arent" LIKE I FUCKING KNOW YOU IDIOT!!! i know im not always going to be right! i know that!!!! and then they talk about how they arent comfortable when i ask for supply because they dont want to fucking "feed my ego" like what the fuck!!!! what the fuck is wrong with you!!!! and they would get fucking upset when i headcanoned a character to have npd. like what the FUCK is wrong with you. ughh!!!!!! god. they make me so angry!!!!

[doctorhomo]

re: dark fantasy novels

yes!! violent men are Not It! it's not what we're here for! it's weird! especially when they start by the Big Scary Man threatening the fmc (who is of course small and fragile because of course) somehow, with like. genuinely physically very violent things? THAT'S NOT IT NO THANK YOU. LIKE IF YOU PERSONALLY THINK THAT'S HOT OK NO JUDGEMENT BE SAFE BUT LIKE IT SHOULDN'T BE THE DEFAULT.

and! i know the whole Social Media and such has basically shrunken everyone's attention spams but my dudes if you don't want to read a whole book you don't have to. but the point of a story is to tell a story and if you just want the smut then by all means get your smut but don't complain about the rest of the story being there! (in fact, i think the average tumblr user might be able to point out easier ways to get your smut than skimming through a book. just saying).

i genuinely think it's sad (&worrying?) that these people seem to think this is the only worthwile book/romance book/smut option that there is. like i know it's the loudest genre right now in this field but i think the people deserve portrayals of relationships that are...good. not sure where i was going with this but i guess i want to broaden everyone's horizons. i think we should lessen the Big Mean Violent Man x Fragile Tiny Often Helpless Woman population

yeah i get you!!! i also absolutely HATE the defence being “it’s fiction” and “adult women know this is not healthy and therefore dont want it” SHUT UP

1) fiction can affect real life relationships and mindsets

2) it’s OBVIOUSLY not the adult women people are most worried about???? these books are designed to look more like YA novels and are constantly being recommended to young women, how many teenagers have read these books and found it romantic?? how many teenagers are building their idea of a perfect partner from books like this???

also, yes, adult women know this is fiction, no one thinks they dont. but it does seem like it’s doing Not Great things to their mindset.. the amount of women i see saying “ughh i want a stalker boyfriend” or making imagine posts like “ughhh imagine he breaks into your house when you’re at work and is waiting to fuck you when you get back” LIKE????????? YOU WANT A STALKER BOYFRIEND?????????

anyway. my main point is that the content of these books should not be as mainstream as they are. liking porn is fine. liking sexy books is fine. writing porn and wrapping it in a pastel YA romcom aesthetic and having tables and tables of it in every bookshop isnt great. call it what it is (porn) instead of “spicy romance” and stop making it so readily available to young people who havent even had experiences of their own yet and are potentially using these as a litmus

(i also saw a twt post the other day saying something along the lines of “gen z turning on sex scenes in movies and dark romance books is part and parcel with fascism” which i think is insane sorry. there is a definite, worrying rise in puritanical ideals, but saying that books portraying sexual violence and abusive relationships shouldnt be marketed as mainstream romance is not the same as saying sex is bad outright, and im very tired of people equating the two)

[dear-happypills]

me: i think that all the girls

who told me that they loved me, only said that because i convinced them to...

not because they actually meant it.

happypills: oh, jeez. conceited much?? you must have some brainwashing powers to do that...  or like. did you literally beg to convince them???? pwahahahaha. i think woo-men are STRONG, and INDEPENDENT enough to make their own decisions..

me: -_-; sometimes.... you WILLFULLY misconstrue the entire point i am trying to make..  WILLFULLY. its messed up.

happypills: dont blame me for YOU not making things very clear.. AND FOR ME BEING WOKE.

JEEEEEEEEEEEZ.

me: OHHHHHhhh. OOOHHH JEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeZ. happypills. .... happy fucking pills, is telling me that im not being very clear...... YEA> YEA. GOOD ONE. and youre like half asleep because youre high all the time. telling me about woke. TSKTSK.

happypills: oh jeez..... now youre just trying too hard...

its unbecoming.  

but, please. continue. explain yourself. clarrreeffiee thyself.

me: ......... **cough, then clears throat.  what i meantt..... was that how do you know someone actually loves you? you know? because did they genuinely mean it, and then decide no longer to be a part of your life? or maybe they were convinced that they were in love, though untrue, because certain experiences made them believe that it was love?

happypills: oh jeez.... where the hell did this come from?

me: im just saying///////// like...... wtf/

happypills: ..... well what about you? you know? with all the girls you said that too.

youre not there with them.... /// you know?

me: yea. yea, i know......

i tried to make it work though. 

happypills: Aooohhh jeeeeez. my guyyyy.... .everything you try to make “work”.....  never workssss. because your idea of make work....... is a LITTLE  very dysfunctional

me: -_-.;;;;   Aooohhh FUCKING jeeez............ i wouldnt say that it NEVER worksss.... i dont know why you have to make it a fucking absolute statement.

happypills: ok. calm down.... im only saying this because i love you.

me: ........................................ * bites lips..... th.............ank youuuuu. please, go on.

happypills: =D  look at tthatttt. so much BETTER.

as i was saying. a little dysfunctional. i mean. you want someone to love you, expecting that they shouldnt ever leave you. like, i dont think thats how love works. maybe they meant it when they said they did. but the best thing, because they loved you, was.......................to leave you?.....................

me: is.... is that a question?? or are you telling me.

happypills: ..... i. ....... i dunno. 

me: wow. i give you a platform to explain, and its neither constructive nor assured. and your advice is like, antithetical to the institution of marriage -- oh sure, just leave because you love them.

happypills: ooohohhh okay. now everyone needs to marry you.

me: noooooooooooooh. thats. ughh ARGGGGGGGGGGG . why do i even talk to you?

happypills: ................. idk.... ooooohhhwhooohoooo. do you love mehhh?????

me: -_-;;; yes........ yes. thats why im leaving you.

happypills: PSH. idk what youre talking about. 

youre the one following ME.

- happypills

[murmuringtranquility]

Im trying to avoid venting about my personal life here (and i may end up deleting this at some point cause they were thinking of joining tumblr cause of me) but i have a friend who ive very quickly befriended who ive talked about a fair amount on here. I kinda expect that theyll reveal they have feelings for me? I expressed feelings for them a month ago but they (like me) can only have crushes on friends but for them its a much longer process than for me (like for them they get crushes after months to years of being friends for me its basically after a few friendly interactions) so they turned me down then. We also both experience queer platonic crushes (look that up if you dont know it) and i think im the only person theyve met who has those. Its actually the type of crush i had on them last month. We also have very good chemistry and are into a lot of similar things (we actually befriended each other cause of chnt... i hope that doesnt prophesize anything lol). basically were very compatible on paper. Weve also gotten much much closer since i first confessed feelings like were planning to go on a trip together now, they were totally cool with me hugging them, and now we are thinking about moving in together next year. So like.. i have no idea what to do? Ik i shouldnt bank on them having feelings for me at some point cause they may not. But i feel like theres a very good chance they will but i may have to wait awhile for them to express anything. So yeah. I think im okay being single but ughh having crushes that arent purely romantic are toughh

[greatcomettexting2]

the thing about the mod steph and mod nero of greatcomettexting is that i never got to parse out how icky they made me feel whenever i drew boundaries but i really want to because i still feel icky about it so ill warm myself some cawfee and do it now

nero talks a lot about how “none of us what REAL callout worthy things hes done!!” but i figure so long as my skins crawling about how obsessed they both were with me then i can risk his constant talk in every new server he joined about how he “has attempted literal actual murder” even if it was just him having an episode in high school and lobbing a brick

mod steph’s already had a huge history of not knowing when to draw boundaries with people and theres a dozen fucking people who can vouch for this because they all stopped talking to her once she started this weird shit. whether it was suicide baiting people into pitying her and listening to her for like all of 2017 or copy pasting other peoples vents to send herself(wild?) in the Vent Channel. clara talks a lot every one or two years about how much shes “changed” but she continually tests these boundaries to fuck around with people and nero isnt better in this respect at all. it felt like sometimes theyd realize something was a boundary for someone and then trigger it on purpose 

like. the first and biggest and weirdest thing is that nero and clara would take entire conversations i’d had years ago and roleplay them out WORD FOR WORD in text or on call. sometimes id get uncomfortable with how clearly they remembered each word in the conversation. this wasnt a one off thing, this went on from 2018 to today, and it really really disturbed me, but i had no idea how to talk to either of them about it, because when i did clara would act like she had no clue what i was talking about, and say shit like ““listen jules, i feel like this is one of those instances where you think somethings happening, but it isnt.” the excuse nero used for this was that “ive always thought jules was so cool” but that doesnt explain copying out entire conversations i had that he shouldnt really remember from as early as 2017. it did feel at times like he enjoyed taking on the role of me in these conversations and saying the things i said out loud. this got very very creepy very very fast

that brings me to the next thing which was this. weird obsessive fascination mod steph had with my approval. there is just so much shit.  she picked up her other name “clara” from a friend i have named kai who used to go by clara--the reason steph picked this name was because i would gush a lot about kai to her (which made me really happy because clara would have borderline suicidal breakdowns when i talked about my other friends.) she got really really fucking uncomfortable whenever i gave approval to anyone else too and would act like. a petulant child if i couldnt give her compliments she wanted. the most recent example of this was that i complimented someones selfie that wasnt hers she stayed cold to me for two days. i finally decided to ask her what was wrong and she admitted she had felt “kind of bad” when i ignored her selfie and when i asked her why she didnt communicate this to me, she explained she gets kind of “mean when shes high” (she doesnt, she has a bpd break for julesyboy’s approval when shes high.) she would also get super uncomfortable when i expressed attraction to Anyone, (romantic OR platonic) and begin comparing herself to them (why do this) on text and on call. a most memorable recent experience of this was when i explained to her in detail about a guy i like who’d bit his knuckle, and then she posted selfies everywhere of her blushing profusely and. biting her knuckle (and it really really wasnt the same, poor thing, she really did try.) theres dozens upon dozens of examples of this

and i realise that whole paragraph is wild and kind of funny if you think about it in the context of... like, a kid who admires the attention of their friend. but clara and nero would try their hardest all the time to test everyones boundaries to the point where it got way too weird. if nero knew something was specific to someones abuse he’d make sure to push them about it or make posts about how “weak!” it was for people to deal with “x and x.” or if someone were to expressed a self harming behaviour he would jump in w “OMG! LISTEN! I DO THIS TOO!!.” or he would make jokes about him “selling pics! this is just a reminder! :3 happy valentines day!” (same post, all platforms) before three of my friends who were sex workers approached me asking if this was a weird little joke. it really did feel like at times he said things he knew would shock people the most. and it really did feel like at times every time someone said something out of the ordinary he would. go out of his way trying to say he did that too, it wasnt a big deal. “it doesnt matter if youve self harmed yourself a lot, have i talked about how i once attempted murder yet. does that sound too edgy? i know people are scared of me... omg... omg omg.” and like this is all fine because if you hear his tinkly baby voice on call none of this shit is all that scary, no matter how much he talks about “how his friends think hes really really tough” (where are his friends.) but it does get a little weird when you think about how much of my trauma i confided in both of these two only to have nero blow it off, and how much they enjoyed doing that thing where they would roleplay out my conversations  from 2017 with nero in the role of saying the things i responded with.

the reason ive typed out this long ass post is bc it literally just made my skin itch a little. it still does. when nero and clara would Do The Thing where they played out jules’ old conversations and . when they would post a lot of selfies with captions like “ahhh i love myself! i promise!” only to see my pictures from 2017 and go “ughh... i was REALLY ugly back then, but i promise im pretty now! clara/nero was ugly too, not gonna lie!” before venting about how they were never satsified w their reflections in the mirror it was weird. when clara would vent every night i didnt compliment like. a fucking selfie of hers. about how Unloved She Truly Was it was weird. like bros i am an abused neet living at home and after im done college im fucking out of here forever... u have nothing to be weirdly obsessed about, and copying out conversations i had with you and things i said to years ago won’t make u love yourself any more

tldr: mods neroratio and stephclara were very microobsessed with my attention and with attention in general to the point where they would literally roleplay being me and act like i was “making things up in my head” when i asked them wtf was wrong. and if you remember them from greatcomettexting and admired them for speaking their truth then like. this is what they were like

[ur-bi-gf]

Teenager? Puberty? Breakups? Breakdowns? Exs?

OKAY. So I had to delete a few posts because i made them out of anger and that was REALLY REALLY stupid of me, and i said some things i shouldnt have, and i made a person feel like they wanted to die and...

I never wanted to do that.

I mean as a teenager, we all fuck up right? I know you know what I mean, we accidentally hurt people all the time like come on.

Idk why i added puberty, I'm done with that shit so yeet that out the window.

Break ups... OH THE BANE OF RELATIONSHIPS!!! They suck.

Actually I wanna write about how life has been lately.

Its been pretty good, but you know I just kinda wish i had someone to love n shit and give all my kisses to but i need to wait because I'm still recovering from what happened in my last relationship.

I finally told my ex why i broke up with him, i dont know if he believed me, but I'm glad i told him... Besides him, the only person who knew was my therapist... I kinda kept it secret... For... A while...

Sometimes I wish I could go back a month and tell myself to not break up with him because if i didnt, i think we wouldve had a bright future. But everything happens for a reason and i do believe that. I did learn a lot. And the next person i love, i wont make the same mistake!

I said a LOT to him out of anger and he did to me, and... I dont know how to feel about it? --- ITS WEIRD TO SAY BUT I DONT.

Cause I'm not used to him being this way obviously. And hes not used to me being this way and we lashed out on each other for stupid reasons and yeah, but thats what this is all about, learning from experience, mistakes, accidents, blahblah!

I wonder why he reads my tumblr posts sometimes...

I wish i didnt express my anger like that but its hard to control, you know when you bottle it up?

I was bottling up my sadness and depression from him leaving, and jealousy of his new gf, and all that and it all came out! You know what i mean? I wish I had a second chance to make this all right.

Oh god, also when i asked him to read my last post and he said he didnt know how to feel, thats why i blew up, god i was SOOO mad, like crying out of anger and shit. Like i literally just let down my walls and let down my guard and poured my fucking heart and soul out to this boy but his reaction was "idk". But what was i expecting, right? ... Well idk, but just not that-

God i said so many things, ame i cant believe i made him feel like that, ughhh. I wish i could say sorry but there really is no way to excuse that. I feel so bad for that, I cant even ughh...

I just got so mad, also jealousy consumed me, because i was obviously jealous of his new gf, because i always thought she was better and now theyre together, i mean come on? I have good reasons.

I wish things weren't like this, you know?

I'd like everything to be back to normal. But what is normal, right?

Hes happy with his new gf, and I'm happy until I find the right one for me because I cant date people too soon because I don't fall in love easily but when I do i stay loyal and its hard for me to fall out of it almost no matter what.

Im venting to a friend now about how bad i felt for making him feel like that, because that really isnt like me.

While I'm basically over him, it'd be cool to try again cause like it was fun while it lasted, but he disagrees.

Im fine now and in the right mind set so i hope i find someone for me one day! I probably will, i dreamt of a guy last night haha but we wont get into that ;))

I'm a teenager, so i get my mistakes. I accept them and learned. I'll move on, and live for a better future

Anyways, I hope you all have a good night! Learn from my mistakes! Dont act out of anger, you may hurt someone you loved. Goodnight/Good day!

Ps. My profile pic is Rachel Green from F. R. I. E. N. D. S.