#UGH idk. sometimes i am like i should prob get a therapist so i can parse some of these feelings

[secretcircuit]

not to be... hmm. vulnerable on main but i really dont know how to navigate like, my dad being not amazing as a person but also like... making an effort... like i tend to keep my distance from him in particular (im very close with my sister, close with my mom also) because he can be so shitty about a lot of things, & yet there are these like, moments where i know he's really trying to connect with me and yet its not necessarily something i want... idk, i really dont know what to do with it, and it feels overwhelming and bad... but also when i do try and reciprocate, to reach back out, it often comes back to bite me... idk. i wish i didnt feel bad saying no to things. but i do.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #459

“i wanted you to know that i love the way you laugh  /  i wanna hold you high and steal your pain away”

Does the person you like have any flaws? He's never seemed very expressive of what he feels. Has anyone ever given you a ring? Why? Yes. Because it was our anniversary and he wanted to, ig. If you ruled your own country, what type of government would it have? I'm not educated enough to answer this. Creation theory, Evolution or the Big Bang theory? I really don't know what I believe about the origins of the universe, but I do believe in evolution. Describe one of your most emotional farewells. The last time I saw Jason and we talked for a long time, and I finally got my closure. It was all so heavy. It started so stiffly, but it ended with us just chatting and smiling and, to my absolute shock, a hug from him. I'm getting emotional so NEXT QUESTION. What was your last serious conversation about? I was reassuring and comforting Sara about some stuff. Is there a city that you have a particular fondness for? If so, what city is it and why? No. Are there any gnomes in your yard? No. When was the last time you were stung by a bee? What kind was it? Years ago. A bumblebee. Are you gonna buy lottery tickets when you’re old enough? I am old enough, and no. The odds are way, way too small, and I don't really dabble in addictive behavior. Have you ever been into a real cave? No. :( That's a life goal, though. Have you ever posted mean comments on YouTube? I know I did once as a kid. It was regarding Meerkat Manor and I thought it was really disrespectful to Flower just because of the music chosen lmao. The drama. What color is your digital camera, if you have one? Black. If you had to spend one day in any movie storyline, which one would it be? Alice in Wonderland, I suppose? Name the strangest game you’ve ever played (video game or real game): Oh man, I've played waaaaay too many video games. I suppose Silent Hill with how confused it left me at first. Its concept is definitely wild. Parasite Eve is high on the list, too. In your opinion, what is the saddest movie you’ve ever seen? Boy in the Striped Pajamas destroys me. What is the best song to make out to? I could answer this but I'm not gonna lmfao Is there anyone right now that you are simply/overly infatuated with? story of my life ayyyyeeeee Who was the last person to play with your hair? Are they cute? Not a clue. Who was the last person close to you that died? Did you cry? Jason's mom. I sobbed on-and-off for days. Do you consider yourself a healthy person? Physically and mentally? No, in either way. Do you know anyone who owns a boat? My dad does. I'm sure others, too, with how popular fishing out on a boat is here. Do you know anyone who uses medical marijuana? I don't know. Even for medicinal purposes, it's not legal here. Do you know anyone who’s died in childbirth? No. What did you do for your 21st birthday? I was in the psych hospital, so... lmao. Therapy, reading, and coloring. Lots of reading and coloring. Because they did NOT fill your schedule enough there. We only had two group therapy sessions a day, and the rest was just... blankness. If dinosaurs could be tamed, would you want one as a pet? I know I'd be one of the dumb ones that absolutely wanted a tiny raptor, lol. Do you own more than one copy or edition of a book? No. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? Not interested. Do you eat soup when you’re sick? I don't like soup. If you read, which book or series did you enjoy most as a child? My first real series that I read religiously was Hank the Cowdog. Then it was Warriors. Do you buy Halloween candy when it’s on sale after the holiday? No. I really don't need candy available to me. Do you agree with the “they’re just being kids” excuse? It depends on what they're doing. In a lot of cases, no. Do you ever watch talk shows? No. Do you have a/any hero(s)? Mark Fischbach, Steve Irwin, my mom... Have you told your parents all of your secrets from when you were a teen? No. Though Mom has playfully once told me that she knows a lot of things I don't think she does, and that's terrifying lmao. You’re getting married. Who’s your maid of honor and best man? M.o.H.: Mom or Sara. Best man isn't my choice. Would you rather get highlights or dye your whole head? DYE IT ALLLLLLL. Are you wearing anything of any sentimental value? Describe? My friendship ring w/ Sara. It has a heart carved on the outside and "bitch" engraved inside so no one can see when you have it on, lol. She has one that says "jerk." It's a Supernatural reference. Who challenges you the most? In what way? My therapist and psychiatrist. They just help ensure I pursue my goals and give me little nudges forward to reassure me. Who seems to hold you back? In what way? PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT ME. I listen to my anxiety WAY too much. What was the last opportunity that you passed up, and why? Going up to Lake Gaston w/ Mom to visit Ash and her fam. They go there all the time, and it's a real nice place. I just didn't want to go because of the heat. Should there be an application process for having children? Hunny, that would not stop people from fuckin lmfao Name one thing that you think defines you as a person? m e e r k a t s What is a fear you have about living on your own? That depression would get the better of me and I'd neglect taking good care of my house. One of the many reasons I'll never live alone. Not at all saying I'd leave the responsibilities to my partner, but they'd be motivation for me to get stuff done. What’s the worst name your mom has ever called you? I don't know. Nothing that bad. What’s your stance on spooning? It helps me feel safe and loved and alsdkfjalwe I just love cuddling in all sorts lmao What’s your most recent obsession? Violet Orlandi & Melodicka Bros' cover of "Somebody That I Used to Know." Have you ever been scammed? Ha ha, yes. I once wanted to get Jason a Joker and Harley Quinn pillow from deviantART; talked to the artist, paid 'em, never got it. :^) Have you ever fostered an animal? No. I would get WAY too attached to foster. I wouldn't be able to give them up without breaking down, probs. Do you know anyone who acts way younger than what they are? I'm sure I do, but no one is coming to mind atm. Would you say you’re a pretty independent person? God no. Does the last song you listened to, remind you of someone? JASON. Do you currently want a new computer? Yes, actually. I want a desktop PC for better gaming quality, honestly. Also, the "escape" key doesn't work on this laptop, one key is missing so I have to hit the sensor JUST right, and it restarts randomly sometimes. I want a PC mainly because I want to get out of the habit of being on my laptop in bed all damn day. How would your parents react if you got a tattoo? I already have like six or seven, so they wouldn't be surprised. Is there anyone you can picture yourself being with forever right now? Maybe. Who is your truest friend? Sara. What is the strangest thing you’ve ever seen outside of your house? THIS house? Idk. Nothing that I'd consider odd. What bug frightens you most? STAG BEETLES lkadjslkfja;lwekjawl;kejrlawer Who is your oldest friend? That would be Sam, and he's in his mid-30s. How long have you known them? Many years. We met via WoW, which I've been playing since '14. I don't really remember how far into it we met, though. Where are they right now? lol I wouldn't know, he's all the way in Jersey. Plus we haven't talked in a while. Have you ever dated a friend of one of your siblings? God no, that would be so weird. What is the best gift someone can give you? An ear to listen without it feeling like a chore to them. Have you ever dated someone who had a child? No. I don't think I could do it. What is the last movie that made you cry? The The Lion King remake made me tear up. Have you ever played in a waterfall? No. Ugh, that sounds like a blast. In your life who has meant the most to you? Let's not get into this. What has been your biggest failure in life? Letting depression and my other conditions take away my identity, becoming my new identity. Do you trust yourself? No. I second-guess EVERYTHING and never know what I should listen to: my heart, my head, my gut... or which voice is what. Would you ever consider getting an abortion, under any circumstances? Yes. What was the last bug you killed? Some kind in the bathroom. Idk what it was. Just a little thing that sort of resembled an earwig, but not completely. Do you prefer profile pictures by yourself of with someone else? By myself, since it's my page. Do you know anyone who has written a book? I don't think so? Do you drink milk/juice from the carton if no one is around? Ew, no. I live with another person, and even if I didn't, what if I had guests? Has anyone ever told you they liked you in a realllly sweet way? Maybe? Has a member of the opposite sex ever given you jewlery? Jason has. Do you find sleeping in cars easy? NOOOOOOOOOO. I'm too scared to let my eyes close and not see what's going on on the road. Has a boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s parents ever gotten mad at you? Why? I don't believe so, no. What is the funniest thing a child has ever said to you. Definitely something my niece has said, but idr what it was. What’s been on your mind lately? Y'all know, lol. Do you feel like you need to get something off your chest? No. Sara was recently there for that. ♥ How would you react if someone told you they had feelings for you? Be very very excited if it was from a certain person.

[noimserioustho]

11/30

Things I dont say. 

I can see my therapist on her phone. Lmao. Looking at her messages. It reflects on her glasses. 

I liked that she was snacking while meeting with me, I dont like that silly professionalism that says people cant eat lol. 

I didnt tell her I saw her on her phone, I asked if she was ok. She said yah, I told her she looked stressed. Maybe she looked bored idk lol. She said no, but maybe a lil morgane coming. I said oh sorry. Then talked about how I wish it were easier to say things. Like how I could see her on her phone. Lol. But I told her how my brain says no, no need to say that, even when it's on the top of my tongue. Lol. 

I do wish I would sometimes though. 

I did bring up my constant need for validation though! #giftedkidburnout.

Lol. 

I dont like thinking about people thinking they're right when I quit. /Leave. I dont want to prove them right. I'm more anxious about them then letting people down. Lol. 

I think I failed. Like my whole life was to get a full time job right? And like wow, so all those 4ams and holding back tears at work and headaches and .. fuck. Everything else. Loneliness. This DEBTTT HAAAAhaahaahaa. Oof. That I havent even started paying!!! Heeheehahaicuevvakdocuwvakxog🙃🙃🙃😶🤷‍♀️🍾 

Walkup. Or whatever that word is for big ugh sigh. Lol. 

Ironic, bc all I do is try and avoid failure. Lolz. 

I think I want my own space. Like desk or office or whatever, I miss it and I want it. Like I saw Spencer's and instantly knew I missed it and wanted it. Not saying a job will be like that, haha, but that's what I want. 

And I'm craving so many tattoos rn. 

But also, hey, look at me, doing this job that has no grades or super specific measurable immediate accountable outcomes. Woo. Look at me, doing it without any clear, specific validation or direction or perfect answers. Yah some could and should be better. And yah, some are really good. 

I see why people just want to sit and smoke. Lol. 

I want to do that too but I get frustrated it had to get it all out and before someone starts talking hahah. 

It was hard to talk in therapy without smoking. Today and past few weeks. But hey look at me going to the gym. 

Guess I should go now. 

I'm really just thinking about trader Joe's afterwards. 

I feel like a ball of play dough bouncing around in a cement roller. 

I like imaging myself, all of us, as starts flying through space. And I am in a spiral, pulled by everyone's gravity and not my own, not forward. Well, forward, with time, but wasting my time going out to the sides towards others. And I could be going in a tighter spiral, absorbing and feeling those around me while going forward along side them. But I'm dizzy in these big circles. Spirals. And sometimes it's just my head spiraling, spiraling so much it just feels like I have to hold my forehead in my hands. Its just so heavy and so .. . Grounding. ? Yah. Safe? Idk. That only thing I can do. 

I want to exercise but I dont want to swim. Lol goddamn swimming. Like maybe if I could listen to music. Nooooo definitely if I could listen to music!! Then it would be a lottttt more fun and better and I'd do it all the time. 

Makes me sad thinking i might not go to trader Joe's hahaha. 

I think i need more sneakers, these black boots made my back hurt. 

I remember after I graduated high school, I was craving all these tattoos. I think I was craving some certainty, you know? Like something to physically remind myself and hold on to, like a manta but pretty on my hand or arm or whatever. I think now again I'm missing some mantras, some guidance. 

I want them all!! So I might wait, probs bc money. Aw sad. But what if it got them?? Like how fun, like a lil s/l somehow pretty on my left wrist to remind me to balance speaking and listening, and maybe on my right or somewhere a pretty brain and heart!! To balance my head and heart!! (Or IS that too CBT LOLLLLL). 

(I dont think avoiding the gym, i just think I'm enjoying something else rn?) 

And I want to design (YAH, I WANT TO DESIGN IT, YOU HEARD ME)  a beautiful vine of flowers, from bloom to full fields, from my right thumb up to my shoulder. Sunflowers and daisies and roses. So I guess I have to become a tattoo artist hahah. Oh noooo. That would be fun. 

Maybe I'll get a 

..

Oh no I looked away for a second,,,,, idr what. Hahaha 

Oops. 

I'm getting really cold now, that might make me get up. I want to exercise but not swim. Lol. 

Thursday? Thursday for sure. 

Maybe I'll go to trader Joe's anyways hahahah. 

Or just .. ugh that 

TONYS

Tony's for dumplings heehee. Defs my favorite food rn. I'm not going to think about the gym $ I am wasting. 

Lol nope nope. 

I am cold. Might just turn on the oven for more chicken nuggets!! 

Ahh babyyy is dreaming :') doing that cute lil squeaky thing he does. 

I am feeling better? I think? Unless I think about the gym haha. 

I love the idea of getting grace tattooed on my left arm. In a nice font, lowercase. After I start going by Simone all the time. 

Also ugh, I love Simone and Chris. Both of those. Also ugh, I still love Chris. I hate christian though hahahah. 

Ok cold cold. 

Was about to get up, but wow I typed a lot fast, right? I'm not manic, but whoa where did this come from? All these thoughts, not overwhelmed by feelings. It's nice haha. Just free flowing thoughts. Idk how or if this will help me speak and do things and interact with people, I think that was a goal I had, but this is nice. This is good