#U ARE NOT A PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST OH MY GOD

[bellamygate]

I wish everyone who sTuDiEs PsYcHoLoGy a very shut the fuck up

[batsplat]

RANDOM THOUGHT! BUT

jorge lorenzo choosing that dichotomy angel/demon as his symbol, u cant tell me he wasnt inspired by the sun/moon thing

Like come onnn

oh my god yeah. surely!! like you say, it's a dichotomy just like the sun/moon thing, and it's conceptually similar enough to valentino's that... surely... yeah. all about establishing this little network of symbols for himself, his own web of meaning - overtaking around the outside!! x-fuera!! lorenzo's land!! butter and hammer!! angel/demon!! - to build his own narrative about his career. and this tendency is obviously tied to his penchant for celebrations, where he ALSO has a complicated relationship to valentino. on the other hand he's very insistent that the whole thing was NOT originally inspired by valentino, but then on the other he's hyper aware of valentino's influence... so of course he wants his own set of codes too!! that are both inspired by valentino but doing his own thing! and yeah!! sun/moon vs angel/demon,, that does feel like!! surely!!

what I find interesting is how valentino doesn't really talk much about this sun/moon stuff, there's just a bunch of symbols and narratives and imagery he tosses in there sometimes without really verbalising why he's doing it. kinda leaving it up to others to read into it for the most part. whereas jorge is obviously... not like that, way more willing to actually discuss this stuff. there's clearly something appealing to him about the idea of having a 'good' and a 'dark' side, he likes all this self-reflection stuff, loves a bit of omphaloskepsis, wants to continually analyse himself and discover his inner truth or whatever. and if he'd seen all the sun/moon stuff growing up and was thinking how much he vibed with that kind of dichotomy... of course it's extremely jorge to want to put his own spin on something valentino did in this way. makes perfect sense

was thinking about this passage from jorge's biography, obviously not written by jorge directly but the whole thing was written in close collaboration with him --

The material for this book was therefore a little unusual and the only possible objective was to get to the bottom of this combative, glory-hunting rebel, who sometimes looks at the world with defiance and arrogance and at other times with fear and a burning desire to learn and be liked. The devil in him has probably become more famous than the angel, because there have been plenty of controversial stories written about Jorge in the past. But his intimate side is interesting as well, and it's never too late for you to get to know him.

-- which. lol. what a writing style. but anyway, I do think this ties into the appeal of the whole thing to jorge... he sees the two sides in fundamental opposition and also thinks the devil side is non-negotiable for professional athletes (true) but. but,,, the angel side is kinda like. what he's had inside him all along. the secret soft boi underneath the hard shell

and then there's a quote from yamaha stablemate james toseland,, where he's talking about jorge and valentino and it's kinda on a similar theme (x):

once the helmet's off, jorge's shy!! reserved!! a nice bloke!! the devil version is cocky and annoying, but he's also got this Other Side to him....

but yeah, unlike with valentino, we do actually have jorge himself talking a fair bit about this stuff. give us some insight into his thinking on this. like from 2013 --

-- where he's linking the branding to the 'devilish' number... the 99. he wants to be a good guy!! but he also can't lose his devilish side!! and this from from 2014 (x) --

-- where he's saying he's more of a devil than an angel because of the nature of competition. and this from 2017 (x) --

-- which. fascinated by the idea that yamaha was like... no. no devil horns on our bike. in the same spirit as forcing him to work with a psychologist, a red line. he did finally get to add the devil's horns in his ducati time:

and lastly this from 2017, where he expands on his choice to switch to two devils (x):

it's all aggressively jorge, isn't it. like valentino, he's hyper aware of his personal branding and puts so, so much thought into it. but he's more talkative about it than valentino is, just a bit more earnest about the whole thing. still talking about switching numbers, getting rid of the manager linked to the original '48'... of course that was hugely meaningful to him, of course he takes these branding exercises very seriously as a means for self-expression. also very endeared by him talking at several points about how he's more of an angel now, he's striving to be more of an angel, the angel as an ideal etc etc. BUT the demon/devil is non-negotiable and a part of him he must also embrace... to achieve his internal balance... but now that he's got TWO devils, he interprets the devil as being more mischief than evil. fascinating

and it's very valentino in how jorge finds a way to tie this into his own arc!! "special tastes that may not be understood by everyone" - Your Fave Is Queer-Coded lol - but also the point is that it's very much an expression of individuality, him determined to make his peace with being a bit of a rebel, a non-conformist, his own guy etc etc. the valentino commitment to self-narrativisation, this tendency to refer back to his own past work and build on it. very valentino-esque commitment to the drama of it all, the theatre of talking about The Angel and The Devil inside himself,, he's so sincere about it, so dedicated to verbalising what these two sides mean to him at different stages of his career, what it means for him to balance them. he needs the devil!! he's becoming more of an angel!! the devil is an inevitable part of competitive sports!! he's getting himself two devils!! the two devils are about mischief not evil!! and so on

MY random thought I'd somehow never had before is that. given that this is jorge's whole... thing, isn't it kinda funny that valentino repeatedly used 'god' and 'devil' to describe casey?? I mean to be clear this definitely wasn't aimed at jorge, it predates the jorge rivalry and certainly the angel/devil thing, it's just kind of funny. valentino, jorge would have loved you to use those descriptors for him!! but no, it was very much a casey thing to valentino,, he deploys the 'devil' label once each for two other riders (toseland and elias) but not for any of his other major rivals afaik. valentino uses the word to talk about casey as early as 2007 and as late as 2011 -- for whatever reason, this is very much linked to casey in his mind. annoying

anyway. yeah. I agree with you -- I think it's got to be very likely that jorge was on some level inspired by the sun/moon thing. similar conceptually in terms of exploring his inner dichotomy or whatever, a way of building on his own little network of symbols, him once again wanting to put his own spin on some rossi magic. and he stuck with it a long time!! he adopted the symbols in 2008, in a period of personal turmoil and also during his first year as valentino's teammate. and so he dealt with all the stress and the change and the trouble and the heartache by: coming up with a new number, figuring out all the ways said new number was weighty and meaningful to him, thought of new symbols that would fit in with this rebrand, made it all part of his Journey of Personal Growth. probably inspired by valentino - it is just quite similar the more you think about it!! the balance between valentino's light and dark side, of course jorge would vibe with that. and it makes sense for jorge to look to valentino for inspiration on that kind of thing!! and then he made it into a Whole Thing... very sweet

[doctorlecterstheremin]

hannibal s1ep8 fromage

•boat engine will 💖💖💖 oh to be fixing engines surrounded by ur dogs

•god i just cannot stand tobias he is so scary however this scene of him making the strings is beautiful he is v talented

•omggggg wills beanie i am so obsessed w it it has such transgender vibes this man is more trans than anyone i’ve ever heard of

•honestly like a different version of will and alana would be cute together but they had no chance in this version of their world

•find it so funny that franklyn says he googled psychopaths and thinks tobias is one and hannibal is prob like 🙄 another pop psychologist and then he literally describes a whole psychopathic murderer

•like i think hannibal had picked that up abt tobias anyway but frankllyn just managed to be right by force

•the cello man is wild such a cool bit and the way that will re-enacts playing it is sooooo cool and he’s so clearly embracing his dark thoughts for the first time i reckon if hannibal hadn’t framed him later he would’ve been so close to embracing him as the ripper and joining him

•garrett jacob hobbs would’ve fkn loved that display tbh

•ohhhhh i am so slow just worked out he started killing liek this to impress hannibal

•wait i’m confused why does franklyn know that tobias wants hannibal to know

•ive said it before and i’ll say it again a man who plays just the harpsichord and theremin should always be the first person u consider a suspect that is psychopath behaviour

•alana was low-key playing will it’s not fair like i don’t hold it against her but it’s a shame also when they kiss and will is like weirdly confident and he’s like ‘you have to stop thinking so much’ it’s so sexy

•god i’d lose my mind if someone said they had a professional curiosity about me mid kiss also the way she’s like ‘my advice to myself would be don’t do this’ YOU RURNED UP ON HIS DOORSTEP TO DO THIS ALANA

•ohhhh did tobias want to fuck hannibal ? y do i pick up on 0 signals ? sry tobias but hannibal has much messier murderous ppl on his mind

• i like .... tobias is so bad at being subtle he would’ve got them both caught so quick

•AYYY I KISSED ALANA BLOOM LMAOOO poor hanni also i wonder if he’s stressed at this point in case tobias gets caught and turns him in

•not hannibal pining over will and bedelia calling him criminally insane 😭

•will shoots that gun so close to his head i’m surprised it doesn’t effect him more

•FRANKLYNS LOST 9 THERPISTS HAHAHAHHA

•hannibal just watching franklyn and tobias’ nonsense 😭 also interesting that hannibal gives franklyn the chance to leave

•god i love a choreographed mads fight my dilf dancer ❤️

•i’ll never get over the way hannibal and will look at eachother and when h thought he was dead ... will actually smiles and he never smiles unless it rly means smth

[quietmyfearswith]

narcissist {carter baizen x fem!reader} 2/3

narcissist {carter baizen x fem!reader} 2/3

status — ongoing series

warnings — name-calling, hint at alcoholism, attempt at angst

word count (without the lyrics) — 1,904 words

a/n — so this is for @baezen’s the other guys writing challenge and my prompt was alcohol is the only constant in my life; tho in this one i didn’t mention it i like to think i was able to reflect the prompt.this is based on narcissist by no rome ,, listen to the song here if u want ,, feedback is appreciated and hope u guys have a lovely day !! :> y/f/n = your full name

masterlist | series masterlist

Stay out late, I just wanna get stoned

Telling all your friends that I'm never at home

And my face filling up with blood

But you're still saying they don't like your bourgeois

Surprisingly, the meeting with the representative from Eichner Enterprise went well. 

The rest of the day seemed like a blur to Carter that is until he came back at 2:00 in the afternoon after having his lunch. “You have a 2:45 pm appointment at this address,” Y/N informed him as she prevented him from entering his office. Carter looked down on the piece of paper she held and looked at her oddly as he looked up at her — she never informed him this late of having a prior appointment with anyone.

“And I’m only hearing about this now because?” Carter might have sounded rude and discourteous, but in his defense he was simply mirroring the cold tone his assistant used on him. Which, thinking about it now, was not the best way to repay her for her efforts in keeping the company together, and if he was being honest, she was the glue that prevented him from crumbling down and giving in to his negative thoughts and going insane.

Y/N wasn’t fazed or didn’t flinch upon his reply and instead put a hand on her hip, “They suddenly became available and this is an appointment you were looking out for a while now.” He nodded, only then realizing how she was able to organize and plan ahead most, if not all, of his errands. “After this what’ll my day look like?”

Walking away from standing in front of him, she was now heading back to her desk to complete her work but she informed him, “You’re free to go after you meet up with that appointment.”

He nodded and debated about whether or not he should apologize for what he had said earlier. Deciding against it, he went inside his office to quickly retrieve his car keys and other items. As he brushed past her work desk, he muttered a simple goodbye to which she just curtly nodded as she typed away on her desktop.

The drive towards his destination was filled with his denial of his current state of being. He kept convincing himself that truly, there was no problem with how he was living his life and that there was no reason for him to be alarmed, right? Upon arriving at the address, Carter’s confusion increased. He was standing in front of what looked like to be a residential building. 

Walking in front of the entrance, he noticed how the building seemed to be the location of some services — some doctor, lawyer, legal advice. He shrugged off his doubts and trusted Y/N’s words that he had an appointment here that he was putting off for some time. The lack of elevators in the premise prompted him to take on the two flights of stairs in order to reach room 207.

Knocking on the door, he heard someone give him permission to enter. A female receptionist immediately greeted him warmly, “Welcome, do you have an appointment?” Carter scratched his neck and looked around, trying to get a hint of what kind of appointment he was going to have. “Yeah, I believe a 2:45 appointment,” he replied meekly, which was unusual for him to sound like for he always needs to sound confident.

 As she nodded, her auburn wavy hair moved along with her and quickly typed on her computer, “Dr. Richards will see you know, it’s the door to your left.” She pointed at the door to which Carter followed his gaze at and mumbled a soft, “What?” to. 

Not sure what came over him, he did follow where the receptionist pointed to and found himself knocking on the door. “Hello, Mr. Baizen, come in and make yourself comfortable.” A woman kindly welcomed him as she opened the door and directed him to sit on the couch near a coffee table.

Once he sat down, the lady with salt and pepper hair immediately began to strike up a conversation, “So, how are you today, Mr. Baizen?” As she sat down on the opposite side of the coffee table, Carter noticed how she had a clipboard on her lap as she held a ballpen on one of her hands.

“Honestly? Confused. I don’t know why I’m here, my assistant just told me this was an appointment I’ve been holding back on,” he blurt out as he started to feel that his long sleeves were too tight on him, which prompted him to unclasp the top button as he settles both his hands on the arm rests of the couch.

The woman nodded and smiled warmly, “Y/N has been telling me for months how much she worried about your well-being. And that she was trying her best to convince you to see a therapist even though,” she was quickly cut off when Carter questioned, “Y/N? Therapist? What the hell are you talking about?”

Dr. Richards was silent for a few seconds, and Carter was waiting for her to admit that she was pulling his leg and that she really was a businesswoman who was interested to work with him. However, she was just really trying to piece together what was going on. 

“Y/F/N is one of my patients, and I am her psychologist. You know her as your assistant, yes?” She began her explanation, Carter nodded in confirmation and as a cue for her to continue, “One of the things she usually talks about during our sessions is her worry for your well-being. That you might be abusing certain substances as a coping mechanism. She told me how she desired for you to meet up with me, in order to address your issues and other possible problems.”

After hearing her explanation, Carter found himself with his mouth wide open in shock and disbelief. He didn’t think how serious Y/N really was when she said that she was concerned about him. That she would go out of her way to clear his schedule and book an appointment for him, it made him feel something that was weird and something he hadn't felt before — he just couldn’t name what it was.

“Well I’m here now so how does this work?” he managed to say as he shrugged his shoulders. Dr. Richards smiled in surprise and appreciation, in her point of view, it looked like he was willing to comply and cooperate with her. “Let’s start with you recalling your earliest memories with alcohol.”

Coughing up the promethazine

Living like an evergreen

Sorry for the things that I've done

Now Selena won't be friends with me

I was kissing Emily

I love you, it was never your fault

(Got me like)

Nursing a scotch, Carter laughed quietly as he recalled the events of earlier. 

He could not believe how he immediately opened up to Dr. Richards. How he told her that his father introduced him to alcohol at an early age and he saw it as their way of bonding. How he picked up on his father’s habits of turning to alcohol when they felt upset, confused, sad, or if he felt any emotion really. On how he fears he might turn up like him or worse. How he wants to continue to be successful in his business ventures.

Part of him is thankful for the appointment Y/N set up; it allowed him to be vulnerable and open up to someone who listened to him without judgement or careless replies. But the bigger part of him felt angry with her. Why did she think that he needed professional help or some shit?

A girl flirted with him earlier, to which he of course flirted back with. He suggested that they go back to his place to which she agreed but first she had to tell her friends about where she was going. Finishing up his scotch, he dropped a few bills on the counter, while another girl approached him.

In his distracted and preoccupied state, he asked, “You ready to go take this to the bedroom?” The girl looked taken aback, she had yet to mutter a word and yet he was already asking her to go home? Seemed like a win for her either way. She nodded and looped her arm around his and he guided her to where he parked her car.

The following morning, Y/N knocked on the bedroom door and hearing groans was her usual cue to enter the room. “Oh God, you didn’t mention you had someone with you.” She exclaimed as she avoided looking at the bed where Carter laid with his female companion and instead made a beeline to his closet to pick out his outfit.

“Selena, babe, you need to leave now,” Carter sweetly cooed to the woman beside him which was a contrast to what he wanted her to do. The girl shot up and slapped him, “Dick! My name’s Emily not Selena!” The slap added to his headache but he was relieved to see her wear her clothes from the previous night and hastily make her way out of the suite.

Carter removed the duvet from his body and stood up and walked to where Y/N was, he leaned against the wall, “You know I’m still mad about how you deceived me yesterday.” On cue, he was handed his outfit for the day as his assistant brushed past him, “And how exactly did I deceive you? I said that it was an appointment you were holding off on which is true because you scoff at the mere mention of help.”

He threw his clothes to the side and angrily snapped at her, “And what makes you think I need help huh? So what if I drink every now and then? Don’t think that equates to me having a problem!” She rolled her eyes and pointed a finger at him, “That right there is a problem! Your denial! You deny the idea that there’s a problem with how you always need alcohol! Not want, need. You deny the help I give you! You know what Dr. Richards told me following your appointment? She said that when you left you seemed a hundred pounds lighter!”

Carter’s jaw clenched and he looked cold, but he was just really trying to organize his thoughts and prevent himself from lashing out on Y/N. “I care for you, Carter,” she softly said as she was brushing her hand up and down his forearm, “I don’t want to see you lose everything you worked hard for. Or even worse, see you lose yourself.” 

His heart twisted upon hearing her say that. He never had someone genuinely care about him and go the extra mile in proving so. But there was something about the unfamiliarity with the situation that made him resort back to denying this kind of comfort and care. “You’re suspended from your duties for 2 weeks.”

She looked at him in disbelief at what he said, and if he was being honest he too was surprised with what he just told her. But there was no turning back now, was there? Her look of disbelief was only visible for a brief moment before she looked at him pointedly, “Fine. I’ll forward your schedule to Melissa and the other files you need.”

The sound of her heels clicking away made him look at her retreating form, he found himself following behind her with small and slow steps. Before she exited his bedroom, he gave her one last look as she bid farewell to him by saying, “I’m not sorry about what I did. Alcohol’s not the only thing that can be there for you, I’m always here for you, Carter. But I guess that’s not what you want.”

[ccatvalentine]

murder house | pilot

introduction

Season 1 - Murder House 

Episode 1 - Pilot

word count: 2,438

1978 

Far above , the branches twisted like distorted limbs reaching out. The forboding tree reaching out towards you. The open gates, showcasing a gnarled, old looking- house and a young girl standing  on the front lawn

CRASH! A sound crashes as someone throws a rock at the window of an abandoned house and shatters it. 

Bryan jokes “Hey, Troy. You're a dork.”

“Hey, shut up. Hey, freak.” Troy insults.

On Bryan’s way to the front door, Bryan blows some kisses at Addie who stares back at him, keeping a straight face.

“Excuse me. You are going to die in there.” the mysterious girl warns.

 “Shut your mouth, or we're gonna kick your ass!” Troy says,angry at the girl.

Bryan “We got bats.”

Troy moans “I hate trees!”

As they enter the house, Addie chants “You're gonna regret it. You're gonna regret it. You're gonna regret it.”

Troy “Yeah!”

Bryan “Yeah!”

The boys smash everything inside of the house with their bats.

 “Troy” Bryan says he looks at the door.

 “Awesome, go,” Troy forced.

“No, you go, shithead.” Bryan says, not wanting to go first.

The boys go down the stairs, not knowing the dangers that they are about to face.

 “Check it out." Troy pushed.

They find a room full of jars filled with human's and animal's parts. Troy picks up a jar containing an ear and drops it. As a result, it shatters onto the ground.

“It stinks in here. It stinks like shit. You remember last summer when we get the raccoon stuck in our chimney? That's what it smells like. Let's go find it.” Troy says, disgusted.

“No, it smells bad... I'm getting out of here.” Bryan says.

Troy goes further into the room, poping his crackers, while Bryan turns around, up the stairs. Suddenly, the popping stops. Bryan stops his ascension.

 "Troy? " Bryan questions.

(A bottle rolls across floor)

 "Troy? Who's down there? Cut it out, Troy. Cut it out." Bryan asks again, scared. 

 Bryan finds Troy on the ground, his throat slashed while Troy is reaching out to him, unable to utter anything. Suddenly, Bryan turns around and sees a terrifying creature called the infantata, running in their direction.

As a result, Bryan starts screaming bloody murder as Addy simply stars back at the house.

‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵

18th July 2011

Ugh this is soooo boring, I don't know why my parents aren't divorced already, whatever, it's not like I care. 

 "Mommmm are we there yet?" I complain.

 " We'll be there soon honey. " mom says looking at me from the mirror thing.

Vivien : The light is different out here. It's softer.

Violet : It's called smog.

Ben : You should be excited, Vi. You can stop sneaking cigarettes and just start taking deep breaths.

Violet : I need to go to the bathroom.

Ben : We're almost there.

Violet : I need to go.

Ben : Vi, it's a freeway. Really, where do you want me to pull over? Maybe the Honda next to us has a bathroom or something.

Violet : Bet if the baby had  to piss , you'd find somewhere.

 "Hey! Don't call me a baby!" I pouted.

Vivien : Really? Violet, I hate that word, unless I'm saying it.

Ben : I'm really glad we named you Violet, instead of our second choice. Same with you Eve.

Violet : Which was?

Vivien : Sunshine.

"lol, cringe." Violet shoots me a ' wtf' look.

Ben : It's funny. Come on, you gotta admit it's funny.

‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵

Currently, we’re at the front of our brand new house and dad is ringing the doorbell.

Ben : I love it. Don't you love it, hon? I mean, it looks even better than it did online.

Vivien : Yeah, it's interesting.

“How about you Evelyn?” Dad asks me.

“I think it’s cool and superrr creepy. :) it’s totally haunted!” I beam while Violet keeps on thinking, ‘why does my sister have to be so creepy?’

Violet : Great. So we're the Addams Family now.

Ben : Hey, crabby pants. Come here.

Vivien : What are you doing?

Ben : Isn't this place amazing?

Suddenly, I see an old looking lady open the door.

Marcy : Welcome. It's a classic L.A. Victorian. Built around 1920 by the doctor to the stars at the time. It's just fabulous. These are real Tiffany fixtures. As you can see, the previous owners really loved this place like a child. They restored everything.

‘Tiffany, in that super cool famous store I see big celebrities like Lady Gaga buy and wear???!’ I think, amazed.

Vivian: Gay?

Marcy : What do you think?

Ben : Tiffany. Wow.

Marcy : Do you cook?

Ben : Viv is a great cook. I got her cooking lessons a few years ago, and she ended up teaching the teacher a few things.

Marcy : Cooking lessons... romantic. Aren't you a psychologist?

Ben : Psychiatrist. You said something on the phone about there being a study that I could use as a home office? I'm planning on seeing patients here, so I can spend more time with the family.

‘That’s kinda cool I guess : I wont have to deal with seeing the patients every day. Privacy, at last.’ I smile, happy at the idea.

Marcy : How refreshing.

(Vivien puts her dog down, and it goes running outside the kitchen, yapping)

Vivien : Violet, honey, would you go see where Hayley we-nt? Oh, never mind. Eve, try not to trip sweetheart!

“Hey fluffy, what’s wrong?” her eyes widen (she just came up with this) “I know! It’s ghost... spooky. 😃” Whoever the ghost was, decided to prank her by tapping her on the head lightly. “ Aaahhhh!!!” she screamed while running into her mothers chest while her mother was confused. Nevertheless, she’s pulled her daughter into a hug. “Mom! This shits haunted, so cool!”

Violet was used to this, username to her sister being obsessed and fascinated with scary things. Violet signed and went up to the dog,” What are you yapping at?”

That was soooo epic! Finally, I get to feel a ghost!!😊😃😀 im watching as the loser attempts to open a random creepy door, oh she’s done it, finalllly. I see her go in a bit and peek inside while she goes down the stairs. it's dark and creepy but whatever cool I guess.

‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵

I was walking back to the living room?? area. 

Vivien : This wallpaper is peeling over here. Looks like maybe there's a mural underneath it.

Marcy : The last owners probably covered it up. They were modernists. Speaking of the last owners, full disclosure requires that I tell you about what happened to them.

‘Wait?! something happenedddd???’

Vivien : Oh, God... they didn't die in here or anything, did they?

Marcy : Yes, actually, both of them. Murder-suicide. I sold them the house, too. They were just the sweetest couple. You never know, I guess.

‘omgggggg ghostsss!!!! i called it! 😉’

Ben : That explains why it's half the price of every other house in the neighborhood, I guess.

Marcy : I do have a very nice mid-century ranch, but it's in the Valley, and you're going to get a third of the house for twice the price.

Ben : Right.

Violet : Where did it happen?

Marcy : The basement. 

Violet : We'll take it.

‘:) operation find ghosts!’

‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵

Ben: Come on, babe, let's go to bed. Leave that for the morning.

Vivien : I'm a little bit worried about Violet, you know, these kids here are very different. I don't know if she can handle another year of not fitting in. Same with Evelyn, her friends at her old school weren’t a great influence on her.

Ben : You mean... you can't?

Vivien : Can't believe this place doesn't freak you out a little bit. 'Cause of what happened here?

Ben : My repulsion is tempered by the fact that this house is worth four times what we paid for it, so let's not think about it.

Vivien : This is your professional advice, Doctor, just denial?

Ben : Come on, let me give you a little love. Moving here, buying this house was the exact right thing to do for us and our family. It's a good thing and we deserve some good after all the shit we've been through.

Vivien : I've got some stuff I want to... unpack down in the kitchen. I appreciate that you're trying. I'm trying, too.

Ben : Okay.

Vivien : It's just gonna take some time.

‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵

Currently, I’m at the campus of my new middle school. I see a group of bitchy-looking girls out front.

Maria : Hey! Student council passed a rule against blowing bubblegum.

Katy : yeah, you could choke on it.

‘tf okay karen.’

“I'm new, I didn't know, sorry.” i roll my eyes.

Maria : What the hell is wrong with you? People sit here, they eat here.

“You don't know me. Why are you doing this?”

Katy : Maria's grandmother died from choking on gum, she takes this pretty seriously.

Maria : Eat it... eat it or I'm gonna kick the shit out of you.

“No. What?”

Cathy : Come on, , that's enough.

Maria : No, no, no, I want to see her eat it.

“No. No.”

Maria : Eat it, eat it.

Katy : Maria, seriously, she's like 10.

Maria tries to force me to eat the gum, but I take the gum out of my mouth and place it on Maria’s head. Maria screams.

Maria : You are dead! You are dead!

‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵

Currently, I’m peaking, leaning around the corner of my sister’s door.

Tate : This one I did after my dad left. I was ten, I think.

‘Who’s this?’

Violet : Last week, first day at my new school... sucks.

‘Ouch, that looks like it hurts.’

Tate : Westfield, right? The worst. I got thrown out of there.

Violet : I hate it here. I hate everyone. All there bourgeoisy designer bullshit. East Coast was much cooler. I mean, at least we had weather.

Tate : I love it when the leaves change.

Violet : Yeah, me, too.

Tate : Why did you move here?

Violet : My dad had an affair. My mom literally caught him in the act.

‘Yeah, why don’t they divorce then????!!‘ I acidentally slipped as i had been leaning into the door to much. oof

Violet: what are you doing here? wait, were u listening in on our conversation?!

“err, maybe?”

Tate: Who’s this?

“I’m Evelyn, Violet’s better sister, epic ghost hunter😼😎“

Tate smiles lightly, violet says, “whatever, come here.” she puts me on her lap while they carry on their conversatio 

Tate : That's horrible. If you love someone, you should never hurt them... never.

Violet : Right? I know. And the worst part is that six months earlier, my mom had, like, this brutal miscarriage. The baby was seven months old, and we had to have this macabre funeral. Have you ever seen a baby coffin?

Tate sits near Violet and gently touches her wrist.

Tate : I'm sorry.

Violet : Why are you seeing my dad?

Tate : Don't ask questions you already know the answer to. You're smarter than that.

Violet : Want to listen to Morrissey? He's cool and he's pissy and he hates everyone and everything.

Tate : Got any Kurt Cobain on that thing?

Ben : What are you doing in here?

I turn my head around and see dad by the door

Violet : Just listening to music, Dad.

Ben : You need to leave, Tate. I'm sorry. He shouldn't be in here, and I think you know that... please.

Tate : What's that thing you think I'm afraid of? Fear of rejection?

Ben : Stay away from him.

Violet : Dad, nothing...

Ben : You heard me!

Tate : No! Bullet, bullet, bullet!

‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵

im in the kitchen with mom eating some sweets and i see a women and a girl.

Vivien : I want you to stay out of my house.  Do you understand?

Constance : Can I smoke in here?

Vivien : No. Adelaide, answer me, please.

Addie : Can I pet your dog?

Vivien : No, Adelaide, I want you to stay out of the house. I want you to stop coming in and opening things up and telling me that I'm going to die.

Ben : She said that?

Constance : She says that to everybody. Say you're sorry, Addie.

Addie : No, they did it.

Vivien : Who did it?

Addie : The twins.

Constance : Shh.

Addie : Can I... pet your dog?

Vivien : No, Adelaide, listen to me. I want you to stop coming in here without permission. Am I clear?’

I wisper to mom, ‘why does she always come in the house, i can hear her a lot.’ mom just shrugs

Ben : Vivien.

Vivien : Am I clear?

Addie : Yes.

Vivien : Thank you.

Constance : Time to go, Addie.

Ben : Hallie!

Vivien : Are you okay?

Addie : She shouldn't have done that.

Constance : Sorry about all this. You touch my kid one more time and I will break your goddamn arm.

‘awkward, now thats a TRUE karen’

‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵

im at school and this bitch is trying to fucking fight me

Violet : I'm not scared of you!

Maria : Should be!

Kids : Fight, fight, fight!

i spit 

Maria: little bitch!

‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣͙ɞ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵ ‿︵‿︵

Vivien : Hey. Whoa. Come here. What happened to your face?

“Fell down.”

Vivien : Come here. Sit, sit, sit. Boy or girl?

“Girls. Three of em.””

Vivien : Hope they look worse than you do. You know their names?

“I'm not narking.”

Vivien : You know, we can easily move you to a different school. There are a lot of really good private schools right in this neighborhood.

“I'm not running away. I'm not scared of them. Not afraid of anything.”

Vivien : It's like that time in kindergarten, when you insisted that I bring you home from the slumber party 'cause all the other girls were sleeping without the nightlight on. I know you've gotten the short end of the stick, lately. This move, and...your dad and I haven't exactly been great to be around.

 “Why don't you guys get divorced, if you're so miserable?”

Vivien : We still love each other.

“ You could've fooled me. I thought you hated each other. Well, at least you hated him. I don't blame you. He was a shithead. Sorry.”

Vivien : It's okay. He was a shithead. You know, we got a lot of history. Your dad's been through a lot, I've been through a lot. Guess we need each other. What are you scared of?

“You said I'm not scared of anything, so... what scares you?”

Vivien : Lately? Everything. Life will do that to you.

[ssaalexblake]

Actual good moments in that cm episode;

Emily being all Stern Boss and saying they weren’t allowed to run away home just because there were no cases

but letting them, and joining in, on them doing absolutely no work and betting in a federal building.

also, having no clue whatsoever about poker speak and clearly getting slammed in the game

emily babe

Rossi having to promise he won’t miss his own wedding. to be fair, it Is his fourth and may be old hat to him now. 

emily: introduces reid and jj to rando cop dude having no clue the guy already knows them

Luke taking the job seriously and eating an ice cream while getting witness statements

rossi being mad he didn’t get one too

the bau is comprised of children pretending to be adults

the fact that Somehow Rossi’s new step daughter forked out the cash for 2 weeks in the french riviera for their honeymoon despite Rossi being uncle moneybags

Emily being unwilling to set the team on her boyfriend when he didn’t have any easy escape routes

casual indication that Emily has spoken to Kristy Simmons About said boyfriend, indicating a friendship we’ve not seen before between them. Or that Matt gossips about his boss’ love life to his wife which might actually be even better. 

Matt: yay we’re gonna have another kid!!!! 

Matt 2 seconds later: oh my God we’ve already got four!?!?!?!?!?!? FIVE CHILDREN WE NEED A NEW HOUSE???

Emily’s wedding toast comment about the elevator proposal made me snort

also the fact that u can tell it probably hurt her to only drag rossi a tiny bit b/c like... she’s Really good at dragging Dave

the wedding cake, made for like what, 200 people to have a slice??? well it’s only for like 20 people i hope ur damn hungry 

Tara being the only one who can actually dance

the rest of them... not dancing well

tara not giving a flying squirrell what was in the drinks garcia was handing out because all she wanted was to be drunk as hell

remember back when tara was introduced as the professional doctor psychologist???

well now she make ya mom jokes to luke every second ep as well i love her 

[mentalcurls]

9.3 NAMACISSI

Oh God I LOVED this clip. I loved it so much. I could die for this clip. 

A few scattered thoughts I had while watching it (they might not be in chronological order cause I’m at work and I can’t do my usual watch-stop-write-rewatch thing, sorry.)

So without further ado:

Allow me to be bitter here for a second: this should have happened yesterday. If Martino wasn’t so infuriatingly stubborn in his ways, if his first instinct wasn’t to close in on himself despite seeing how good it was when he opened up to his friends last time, how much support he got, how much lighter he felt, this would have been yesterday and neither us nor him would have suffered as much. That being said of course I love Marti as he is, wouldn’t trade him for the world, so I accept his flaws and the pain they bring.

The boys going to the bathroom together, in a group. Discussing the love life of one of them in the school bathroom. Washing their hands together (actually, unfortunately it is noteworthy that they was their hands at all bc men are often disgusting). Another typically feminine trope subverted. (The only thing missing was one of them fixing their hair, but it wouldn’t have fit the feel of the scene, I think.)  Toxic masculinity thank u, next; LudoBesse and Skam Italia writers thank you, now more.

How blue is that scene? The bathroom is of course very blue, the tiles, the floor. The light is cold. Marti is wearing a blue jumper, Giovanni a blue shirt, Elia a blue track top.

(Luchino is wearing warm brown *insert “coincidence? I think not” gif here*)

We cannot be sure this is the same bathroom where 5.4 Pausa took place, but it is very clear that LudoBesse thinks not-so-positive conversations regarding mental health need to be had in bathrooms.

I couldn’t find any particular significance in the order the boys came out of the stalls, but I’m sure I’m gonna read some really interesting theories from you guys soon. Maybe worst to best at reading Marti? worst to best at giving advice?

Luca, knowing the pain of being half-naked in the cold for several hours from the previous weekend is Very Worried about Niccolò, his saviour from the ice prison/cabin,  running around naked in the cold

Giovanni and the others watching Martino struggle with the soap dispenser/faucet thing and Gio stepping in to help him and direct him elsewhere just like he does in the conversation when he points out Martino shouldn’t trust the Internet about medical stuff

Giovanni starting his line with “Comunque”. It’s something Giovanni did in 6.5 Effettivamente (and here’s a lovely post by @zkainaat about it) and I’m starting to feel things about it. We talked a fair bit about “Martinese” these last few days and we all agree that nobody speaks it better than Giovanni, we also know Giovanni has a Martino voice and this “comunque” thing also strikes me as something that’s Marti-and-Gio’s, something Giovanni does for Martino to put him at ease or something he picked up from him. 

But, even more interestingly, where does this “comunque” also crop up? In our beloved 8.1 Patatine e marmellata, during “Buon viaggio”, of course, with Niccolò singing “Amore mio, comunque vada”. Coincidence? Nico stumbling on a bit of Martinese by chance? Another thing LudoBesse & co. will exploit to make us all suffer? Just me being too obsessed?

Giovanni gives the best advice. I need a Giovanni for myself and I can only aspire to reach the same level of wisdom as Giovanni Mago dell’Amore Garau.

Apparently, it’s a well know fact at liceo Kennedy that the school psychologist is obsessed with celery and I love that. He’s the closest thing we have to the representation of the actual quirky, weird af professors that usually roam the corridors of every Italian high school, but especially (imho) of liceo classico.

So they go to see the psycologist, dr. Roberto Spera. Someone with an actual degree. Thank God. (From what I read online, in Skam og Isak only speaks to Magnus whose mum is bipolar, and that’s cute but it also seems too much of a coincidence. IDK I haven’t seen the og so I can’t tell if it felt realistic, but I definitely like that in Skam Italia the boysquad went to a professional.)

Oh, dr. Spera how I missed you.

Giovanni Garau and Roberto Spera doing the Lord’s work and spreading the Very Important Message that you should not a) believe everything that’s online; b) only look up things online without talking to experts or reading their book/articles/papers etc.; c) self diagnose- or diagnose someone else on the basis of something you read on Wikipedia or WebMD

NAMACISSI. Guys, we knew it was something significant! *pats the whole fandom on the back*

“Is it Buddhist?” no, honey, that’s namastè

Dr. Spera’s desk is blue, he’s wearing blue, but the walls are yellowish and the light is much warmer here than in the bathroom.

Martino tells him everything this time. About Niccolò, about the off-again, on-again they went through, about finally getting together and being finally happy until last Friday. 

I wonder how amny encouraging looks and nods Giovanni had to give him to make Marti spill all the tea.

I wonder how many times the boys cut in and how many times their eyes widened and their ears perked up because Martino said something they hadn’t heard about before.

Robert Spera, patron saint of debunking false information and asking the right questions. 

And the KING OF SHADE. He disses Trump and reads Maddalena for filth while also shading Martino (”Tre mesi...UNA LUMINARE!”). We stan.

 I nearly fell over laughing when he didn’t know what blocking meant and I love Luca for explaining and promising to teach him, I bet poor Roberto has given out his number to subscribe to something and now there are so many telemarketers calling and messaging him trying to sell him the weirdest things.

Bless Luchino. As I mentioned before, I knew what was going to happen in this clip and I loved the things they changed but I also lovelovelove that Luca still got to tell Marti not to believe Maddalena. He’s naive, he has acted plain dumb, he has been ignorant to the point of offense, he is not the most empatically aware, so it’s much more significant when he’s the one to point things out.

And of course I love the wording and I feel for the translators who have to deal with it. And I love that dr. Spera uses the same words (what else could we expect from the man who asked “E se il copilota è andato a pisciare?”)

Luca casually dropping “Ti ama” (He loves you) and “È innamorato di te” (He’s in love with you), nonchalantly, like he’s talking about the weather and my heart doing high kicks and backflips. Can’t even begin to think what Marti’s was doing.

the boysquad Can’t Deal™ with Martino, Gio facepalms, Elia looks away with the far away expression of a soldier who just came back home, Luchino goes for the classic “Ma che cazzo stai a di’?” (WTF are you saying?) hand gesture

dr Spera looks on, approving

“Te l’ho già detto che ti devi fidare degli amici” MARTINO GUARDAMI MARTINOOOOO

dr Spera slips up and talks about the last time he and Marti talked, but he notices his mistake right away and fixes it changing the subject (THAT HOW YOU AVOID  BLOWING A COVER, DO YOU HEAR ME 3.4!NICCOLÒ?)

I love that Roberto Spera has one (1) “experiment” that’s so versatile he can use it for all occasions

Luchino not being able to physically support Martino by himself during the experiment though (I desperately tried not to read into this, because I want it to be a thing done for shits and giggles, I want it to be just fun, but my mind keeps replaying “so are you like..transgender?” and “whe two gay men have sex one is the man and the other one is the woman?” and, yeah, on his own Luchino would not be able to support Martino in the metaphorical sense either)

anyways, I love i Contrabbandieri for going to the psychologist’s office all together, both to support Marti and because they’ve already adopted his boyfriend Niccolò and he’s not feeling well, which makes Martino not feel well either and they want to know why-how-when-how can we help

I wonder how Gio will feel when he’ll inevitably get out of Martino that he went to talk to dr. Spera before coming out to him, before talking to him. Will he be hurt that his friend didn’t feel like he could talk to him? Will he feel guilty? 

(Let’s not forget that afaik the boysquad still doesn’t know about Filippo. How will they all, especially Giovanni, take the fact that Martino told basically a stranger about Nico before telling them? I need fic explorations of the dynamics that all these characters will create)

Anyways, once again Martino exits dr. Spera’s office with an important life lesson, a new outlook on life and hope, as well as bruises from falling on his ass

(Giovanni and Elia in that position, laughing at their friend are giving me ~feelings~ I don’t know why)

Well, I guess that’s it. My inbox is open if there’s anything you want to discuss!

[tumblunni]

Okay the BIG TODAY THING

It seems i might possibly be gone for six months

I've been talking with my support worker about taking a course at this place thats uhh apparantly gonna help me get better with the depressions and stuff. And we had a meeting to go look around the place and make introductions and stuff but i had NO IDEA it would be all such short notice! I might have to move in IN TWO DAYS FROM NOW, what the fuck!!! And like if its not that its gonna be at the end of the week or next tuesday at the latest. Im so fuckin unprepared and im really freakin out!!

..uhh...how to describe it..well i guess its literally a mental asylum? But it's absolutely NOTHING like the horror movie stereotype! Its not a hospital with cages or locked rooms, its just like a big comfy cute shared house. Like a bunch of completely normal small apartment rooms but they just happen to be all connected to a shared kitchen and stuff and have on site nurses and a big schedule of therapy sessions and group activities like pottery class or bowling. You have the freedom to come and go as you please if you're on "voluntarily admitted" status (that's me!) and even if you're on what they call "sectioned" its still not scary loss of all your freedom. The highest level of sectioning is just like "requires an escort"? You're still allowed to go outside but you have a higher level of supervision from your key worker because you could potentially be a danger to yourself. But that's very rare and most people are only on maximum sectioning for a few weeks at the start of their treatment, if they've come straight from a situation of self harm or other concern factors. Most of the "sectioned" patients just have a time limit on how long they can spend on unsupervised outside activity. It's a pretty generous 8 hours apparantly!

So yeah i was getting worried about nothing, thinking i was gonna be in big scary solitary confinement and locked inside a tiny broom closet or jabbed with brain lazers. It honestly just seems like a summer camp resort for adults! And everyone there seems very nice, and im excited for being able to learn life skills like cooking and potential steps towards getting educational qualifications someday. And to have the help of a more specialist support worker who can assist me with even the smallest little problems. Like this nice lady Tazmin (who might be the one i get?) was saying how they've had other people with social anxiety before, and how we could plan "gradual exposure" to all the things that scare me. Like she said she'd be able to come with me and we'd take the bus and them get off at the next stop. That'd honestly be really helpful to help me get over being scared of the crowded spaces on buses, but i'd never be able to do it normally cos i'd be too embarassed taking such a short bus ride. Plus well itd be a waste of money,but if i'm a patient here i would get a free bus pass so it wouldnt be a problem.

Oh and the area seems really nice! Its so different from my stupid house right now in a crowded neighbourhood with NOTHING but houses everywhere for a mile! Its seriously almost a mile's walk to the ONE SINGULAR SHOP IN THE AREA and they close on sundays and dont sell vegetarian food. :( This area around the shared house thingie is a really nice bustling shops place but not super shops? Like i mean its a lovely village that has all the small shops you need, not a huge skyscrapers busy tourist place. The perfect balance of conveinient and not scary! They have a library and a park so close to the place, and a bazillion charity shops holy FUCK im so excited to have charity shops again!! I think you call them thrift shops in america? But i just always really love bargain hunting and finding nice surprises in places like that! And there's places to do pottery classes and group trips sometimes to do stuff like cinema or bowling or just having your big ol scary therapy meeting at the nice coffee shop at the end ot the road.

So yeah dont worry about me guys, im not trapped in some horribke hell place! I'm sure it'll be as non threatening as an Intensive Therapy Boot Camp can possibly be, im just still nervous as hell cos well yeah I Have Social Anxiety And That Is Why I Am Here In The First Place. Im scared im not gonna be able to succeed at this. I really wanna leave at the end and be all mentally buffed up and ready to make all these nice nurses proud!

Oh and man Richard has been so nice about this?? He was super freaked out and apologetic about it being Scary Short Notice, we had a bit of a dumb misunderstanding where he clearly told me and i clearly said yes but i somehow completely misunderstood what he was saying and thought i was saying yes to something else??? So im so fuckin glad that at the very end of the appointment right when i was gonna get out the car he was like 'oh so remember your suitcase on wednesday' and i was like WHAT. Like man can you imagine how much more terrifying it would have been if i just turned up on wednesday with no supplies but the shirt off my back and was like 'wtf where is he driving me OH GOD NO'. Bunni why you so bad at the good of talking!! Seriously richard thanks so much for clearing it up but also AAAAA i accidentally agreed to the shortest of short notice and i dont know if he's gonna be able to reschedule it!!!

And man i was there crying in his car about how i dont wanna be in hospital on my birthday, and babbling all the different things i had planned fot the next few months. And GOD DAMN MY DUMB BRAIN i ended up blurting out that i had a preorder of a videogame that i was gonna miss. And i straight up started explaining pokemon to my mental health counseller who is also a dj, how damn fake does my life sound?? Anyway he said that i'll still be able to keep him as my support worker when i get back out of this, and we'll still have weekly or monthly meetings while i'm in there. And he keeps reminding me that i'm free to leave if i feel uncomfortable, but i know that i'd feel like a failure if i did! So he legit fuckin goddamn said (THIS SOUNDS SO FAKE) that i could take a day off when the dumb game comes out, and he'd play co op pokemon with me. HOLY GEEZUS RICHARD YOU'RE LIKE THAT HOLY GRAIL OF THERAPISTS! And man he even said it wasnt embarassing for me to sleep with a teddy bear and he'd help me pack it up safe and ensure nobody saw it while we move my bags into my new room. And then i was like "uhh but also the teddy bear is a giant lifesize embarassing pokemon merchandise" and he was like "okay so we need DOUBLE STEALTH". Apparantly the new sequel to Pokemon Go is Pokemon Sneak! God he helped calm me down from this freakout so much, he's always great with lil jokes and motivational sayings. And i talked about how i first started being interested in Obscure Deep Sea Slug Facts because pokemon has some characters based on weird real life animals, and like its Very Educational Honest, And Has Appeal For Both Kids And Adults. How on earth did this turn into Motovational Pokemon Blabber Time??? Anyway thats how i ended up texting a professional psychologist pictures of gastrodon at 7.30pm.

SO

Yeah

In summary

I'm mostly just worried cos this is short notice! And cos its such a big commitment that being short notice is Super Bad. I need to friggin clean the whole house top to bottom in two days, so it doesnt get all gross and attract flies while im gone. And i need to toss out like a hundred bucks worth of frozen food that aint gonna keep for 6 months. And i need to wash all my damn clothes. And i dont even have a suitcase and this is at a terrible time where i dont get paid for a week so i cant buy a new one right now!! And damn i DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO TAKE AAAAAA

And the BIGGEST PROBLEM

Is that i wont be able to talk to you guys for half a year!!!

They dont have wifi and im not allowed to take my computer anyway. They only allow laptops and all i have is a desktop and AAAA its too short notice to save up enough to get a laptop mannnnn! Fuck man i didnt even think about that, i need to go pause my broadband internet for six months, do they even allow you to come back after that long?? And man part of me wants to ask to borrow money from friends to get a laptop but i know this time i cant promise to pay you back within the month cos AAAGH ALL OF THIS SHIT!! Like damn man if anyone is willing to let me pay back a hundred and fifty quid in 6 months??not bloody likely!! And man the only place to get a laptop in TWO GODDAMN DAYS is stupid fuckin Amazon :( but god im gonna go stir crazy being unable to do art or gamemaking or friggin anything to occupy myself!! I can bring my 3ds but i barely have any games for it and ive already finished all of them except harvest moon a new beginning which i quit cos it was bad. And the screen is broken anyway gahhh. SO MANY THINGS I NEED MONEY FOR IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IS NON CONDUCTIVE TO MONEYING

So anyway GAHH i wont have an internet connection in the house, and i'll be able to walk down the hill and use the library computers hopefully at least weekly, but they forbid all social media sites. So like can i get the emails of everyone who wants to keep in contact? Man i dont know how im gonna manage this AAAAA!!! i will send u loads of pics of scenic asylum beauty and dumb updates on my stupid life of probably very little progress.

And AGGGHHH i dont even have the time to plan a blog queue or anything fuck man geez aaaaaaaa

I NEED TO BUY A NEW PAIR OF TROUSERS WITHOUT HOLES IN THE KNEES man i cant live on singular pantage in a shared house

[credulouscanidae]

i just wanna…complain a bit here but im hesitant to cuz when i talk about my head stuff and wellbeing theres always someone who stumbles into my ask box criticizing me but whatever

just had my first appointment with a psychologist about gender transition and im…..unhappy? i mean if this is the shit you have to go through to transition then bloody hell are the people who got through it are strong

firstly i was talked over and did more listening than explaining. she kept making assumptions and kinda acted like i SHOULD be saying yes to them.

she just….had a lot of generally shitty views. she kept basically saying “pronouns are too confining cuz im just me ^_^” and she even said similar about autism (cuz i had to talk about my family and that came up). shes like “what even is autism anyway ya know? it’s just a collection of traits ppl have. YOU could even be on the spectrum” and basically alluding to that whole “everyone is kinda autistic” BULLSHIT. made me super uncomfortable.

she asked me if i had any support networks and i explained i get a lot of support online. i was going on to say i get lots of rl support but she cuts me off and goes into this ramble about online not being validating enough cuz u NEED rl support. after her rant i kinda defensively said i have a good rl support network. didnt even get to explain WHO cuz she kept fucking interrupting me with her bullshit.

then i had to give a brief timeline of my life and of course that means talking about dad. she asked if i had any suicide attempts which i stupidly said yes. she keeps relating my experiences to “oh yeah lots of trans ppl have had this happen….father issues among transmen is very common” and im like…what are u getting at. ugh. i explained one of my suicide attempts that was inspired by my older brother’s attempt method. she said i was being a bit of a copycat cuz i saw bro do it and she trivialized it to “playing chicken with a train” and “would you even count that as a suicide attempt?”

also she kept going on about how the brain isn’t developed until 22 years old and then kinda used that as an excuse to start talking about how young trans people are …..god idk?? she basically said “in the 70s it was punk….these days it’s gender haha” kinda like a statement?? that pissed me off. got to the point where i felt like i had to add in exaggerated anecdotes about my childhood to even SEEM VALID. all what i said was true, just exaggerated.

i didn’t tell her about my bpd out of fear, but she mentioned bpd at one point basically saying “ppl like that have identity issues so we’re hesitant to let them medically transition”

then it got really fucking awkward when i was talking about my depression and how much better im managing it. i mention i have ambition and hope for the future, which is different to a few years back. she asks what things make me hopeful, i tell her my partner (we talked about him before this but i’ll explain this soon), my friends, the idea of gender transition, making a living, etc. then she’s like “if gender was taken out of that mix, would u still be hopeful?” and im like “uhhhh….i mean…life would be harder for me but i could get by…i just dont see myself in a future without transition…im tired of living like this” and then shes like “thats a bit of a red flag. are you saying you’d kill yourself if you didnt get to transition?” (we had just been talking about suicide) and im like….legit shocked. im like “no??” and then had to spend 5 minutes, nearly on the verge of tears, trying to explain that that’s not what i meant. she said that that’s the WRONG reason to want to transition and puts pressure and manipulation on her to approve it. i said thats not what i meant and that i find the “lemme transition or i kill myself” thing wrong.

so that made me feel extremely fake and manipulative and awful lmao

and earlier before this convo when she asked what my support networks were, i FINALLY got to explain i have a lot of rl friends and roommates and honestly the only prominent online support is from my partner since he’s from the uk. this turns into a running convo that appears throughout the session about internet safety. she questioned “but how is that even a relationships, like what do u do?” and then i shyly say that we talk on skype/video chat almost daily and then she goes on this spiel about “people on the internet can make themselves out to be like anything they want to be to appeal to you” and i got super defensive. i said i trust him and i know what im on about. she asks how long we’ve been dating (there goes my wanting to tell her it’s a qpr) and i exaggerated AGAIN saying weve been friends for 2 years and been together 6 months. lets not forget when i finally tell her about my mum and shes like “did u seek out your relationship with your partner after your mums death? did u get attached bc of that?” and then she said some other shit about autism that i dont even wanna talk about on here.

and oh goddddd what else.

OH YEAH i had to tell her about my abuse history and by extension mums and she basically asked “how do u know youre not being abused by this partner in the uk?” following her logic that im doomed to be abused just because mum was and i have been in the past.

and then as i left she kept stressing that i need to get approval by other doctors saying im emotionally stable and not at risk of suicide bc hormones can fuck u up. and yeah ok fair enough. i tell her im very in touch with my emotions and she says back ��well if you’re reading them properly”

who fucking knows anymore.

lady, you’re trans so you know better than anyone else what dysphoria feels like. you talked 80% of the time for an HOUR. you DON’T KNOW who I AM. you do NOT know SHIT about me or my struggles or the fact that ive been ACTIVELY WORKING ON MY MENTAL ILLNESS FOR YEARS. (OH AND ACCORDING TO HER “MENTALLY ILL” IS A PROBLEMATIC TERM CUZ ???? WHY??)

and i cant even use my psychiatrist to write a letter saying im stable and ready for transiton cuz earlier to-fucking-day he told me i should hold off transition until my bpd is under control and that it’s not smart to pursue it. oh and also he put me on medication. :)

yeah uhhhhhhhh…..i think i know myself better better than anyone. im not coming into this expecting transition to be easy. dont even think i was oblivious to how emotional it can be. it’s fucking awful. i know this. ive had literally 3 different doctors tell me “OOOOOO YOURE EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE TRANSITION ISNT A GOOD THING YOU PROBABLY JUST CONFUSED” and im like….yeah…..definitely confused after all these years. definitely. it’s not like i  stayed trans even after all this shit or anything. gender psych wants me to “unwrap” my sexual trauma so she can….idfk….deem me really trans or some shit.

how the fuck do people deal with professionals. ive had small doses of this sorta shit my entire counseled life, always trivializing my symptoms to just being “stressed”. i wasnt believed about my symptoms besides depression+anxiety for YEARS…and now that im finally opening up about my bpd and gender stuff, im getting this intense dose of professional bullcrap and im already sick of it.

gender psych interrupted me and condescended me the entire time. shes so fucking ableist ESPECIALLY towards autistic people (and once again my allistic privilege played a part cuz i can only IMAGINE how differently that appointment wouldve gone) and seems very technophobic, or at least against the way things are these days with LDRs and young trans ppl.

whatever. lets hope next session wont be so fucking messy.

[distilledpoetry-blog1]

Rules: Answer the questions in a new post and tag blogs you would like to get to know better.

Tagged by: @infinite-minded 

Thank you so much for tagging me, darling! <3

Nickname: From my parents, chiquita (idk why, but they’ve always called me like this as a kid) and variants. From my friends: Oliver and Satan

Star sign: Cancer


Height: 1,59 


Last thing I googled: Victorian hairstyles... and female anatomy :Ia

Favorite musicians/bands: Could go on forever and ever. My favorite band of all times is undoubtedly Moonspell, but I have some others I treasure.

Song stuck in my head: Clown by Korn


Last movie I watched: Maaaaaaaaan, I have no clue? I don’t watch them much, but I believe it was a historical movie set in Ireland or smth? Don’t recall the title whatsoever :C


Last TV show I watched: The Strain

What are you wearing right now: A friend’s band shirt, some loose pants and flip-flops. Currently? Going to get rid of that because I just woke up xD

When did you create your blog: Ohoho, my first blog dates back to.... hmm... 2011? This one is new tho. 2016?


What kind of stuff do I post?: Aesthetic stuff, anatomy, artsy, artsy and some fandom stuff~

Do you have any other blogs: Well, yes, but I moved to this one from my old one because I changed as a person and it did not represent who I am currently.


Do you get asks regularly?: Nope. I wish, tho.

Why did you choose your URL?: It kinda came up to me when I was daydreaming? It first came as Distilled-Poison, because I was a lil bit sour at the time I was at it, but I changed to the word “Poetry” because it is more fitting !

Gender: I’m a GOD. Just kidding, cis fem?


Hogwarts house: According to Pottermore, Gryffindor. Still... Slytherin has my love >u>


Pokemon team: Team Instinct


Fave color: Shades of blue? Or red.

Average hours of sleep: Depends if I can sleep or not. Usually, I go to bed at midnight (around 2:00-3:30 on vacations) but earlier if I have college <3


Lucky number: 2 ~

Fave characters: Oh, man, time for the list? Nah. I will keep it vague. Armand from VC.

Dream job: Oh, man, professional ~artist~, but I am currently on the Psychologist path, which is also awesome!

I tag: @sheepskeleton , @monstersinthecosmos , @kisecchinosedai , @seemsfoolish and @theraphaellus ?