#Twa csa

[plastic-fetish]

INTRO POST !!! ꒰ yet again 。 twas @ himeketamine > abuswepet ꒱

໑ haii im nini ノ kyo !! as yu all know ꒰ the 1s that do 。。。 i got t worded (╬`益´) ꒱ soooooo im back yet again to grace tumblr with my evil domineering radqueer presence ꒰ bats lashes ꒱

໑ chrono 15 intra 4-7 ! it , shi , hy ノ hymn prns 。RADQUEER , pro consent , pro c , PRO para ALLERGIC 2 ANTIS 。꒰ follow yur own fuckin dni thanks ꒱

໑ akutagawa , kyomoto , ichimatsu , kangel fictkin ! haver of many alter egos (＞人＜ 💧) repressed kemonomimi puppything

♡ cis ꧇

blasian , short , stalker , artist , aspd , mdd , autism , adhd , anxiety , bpd , memory loss , csa , cocsa 。

♡ tris ꧇

loli , harmful , character , cuteharmful , zombie 。

♡ trans ꧇

BJD , nymphet , harmed , sexdoll , chinese , sealpup , fawn , innocence , cultist , snuff victim , groomed , adored , stalked , addict , corpse , weight , harmed 。

perma ꧇

dead , kid , 2ooos , high , hyper , idiot , silly , bruised 。

myy paras teehee 💭 , 🗝 , ⚰️ , ❣️ , 🥀 , 💐 , 💤, 🛍️ , 🎎 , 👁 , 👻 , 🦿 , 🥤 , 🫁 , 🐾

BMFBMF RADQUEERS PSPSPSP HAIII HUMPS YU AS YU SCROLL BY 。uhgmmg evill moral igafers pleaseeeeee tie me 2 a tree && have yur way with me ,,,,

[snow-system-wol]

G'raha accidentally went down a bit of a side journey doing research and unearths some info that might be of interest to S'ria. (cw: clinical reference to CSA)

Ao3

It was not completely unheard of for S'ria to not see G'raha for an entire turn of the sun. 

Not unheard of, but still quite rare these days. G'raha no longer stuck so close by his side, with both of them doing their own tasks apart for much of the day, but S'ria typically saw him by some point in the evening. G'raha almost never slept in his own room anymore, so at the very least, S'ria saw him by the time he was turning in for the night.

It was not so the previous night, S'ria falling asleep alone – disappointed, but not concerned.

Come morning, he did ask around if anyone knew of G'raha's whereabouts. The first few answers, that he was excused from work today and was not working yesterday either, had S'ria worried, but the additional answers about him having been sighted in the Noumenon put his heart back at ease.

Knowing G'raha, he fell asleep while researching some side project. S'ria would have liked to check on him, but G'raha was likely in a level deeper than a non-Archon, non-citizen could freely wander into.

(Oh, if S'ria threw his status around and implied it was important, then perhaps, but that was not warranted here. If G'raha did not turn up by the ‘morrow, S'ria would simply send Krile in after him.)

G'raha did return that evening, though, a heavy backpack weighing him down. He seemed nervous, and S'ria was a touch concerned about that bit, but it wasn't much to consider. He remained a bit ill-at-ease for all of dinner, though, and it was a little awkward.

It wasn't until after dinner that G'raha actually addressed what was clearly on his mind. He dragged his backpack over and sat down on the floor, half on his futon and half in the pillow nest, and patted the spot next to him. S'ria gently settled down, waiting.

“Forgive me for my absence – and forgive me for this indiscretion. I did not perform research solely to be invasive, but I will confess that I began chasing more information when the lead presented itself.”

S'ria's tail swished behind him. “Raha, the evasiveness is making me a bit anxious.”

“Ah! Forgive me, ‘twas not my intent. Unfortunately I have just made myself nervous as well. Allow me to start from the beginning.” G'raha pulled out a tome from his bag and flipped it open to a marked spot. “I was reading a historical account, back from the Sixth Umbral Era, and one of the relevant parties was described in a way that was not unlike you and yours. You'd said you'd never met anyone else, so I began to … dig.”

S'ria shifted closer, peering at the page in excitement. “What did you find? Oh – that's not…”

“Not a modern script, no, but I can read it out for you later if you should like to hear the exact words. And worry not, my search was not fruitless, even if ‘twas a bit…circuitous.

"First, I began looking for books on identity, psychological care, trauma, pertaining to that era… As I am certain you can imagine, this was easier said than done. The priority given to such social topics varied greatly by location, and many did not put an emphasis on it. I did eventually find a medical compendium that appeared to be describing diagnosis of the same phenomenon.”

S'ria leaned forward, intensely focused. “So, it is a thing other people experience? Does it have a name?”

To S'ria's confusion, G'raha's immediate reaction was to look a bit uncomfortable.

“It does, but, err… I do not know if it is meant to be translated so literally, but –”. G'raha visibly winced. “The medical compendium rather indelicately used ‘mindshatter’ – a-a term that has long since been declared unusable, I promise!” 

S'ria was not particularly sure if that was offensive or just odd. Certainly, it was not a polite way to be called, but it hardly seemed a condition a psychologically well person would have, so was it warranted? Ah, but, if others had this too, then perhaps thinking of it so judgmentally was unkind.

It probably said much about S'ria that the first time he truly considered whether he thought of his mental health too harshly was upon realizing it was rude to people other than him.

“You were able to find newer sources?”

G'raha nodded. “Yes, I used the old name and tracked it through records until the name began to change, and then checked modern medical tomes for those.”

S'ria raised his eyebrows. “And the new name is less…?”

“Ah, well, names, really. Each group of scholars took it upon themselves to give it a new name – some in different cultures, some in the same institute and arguing with their peers. ‘Separation of the self’, ‘traumatic deintegration’, ‘divided soul’, multiple identity phenomenon’ – to name a few.”

“So there really isn't an agreed upon name?”

G'raha gave him a sympathetic smile. “Unfortunately, no. You could pick one, if you'd like.”

The intensity of his focus broken, S'ria laid back onto the pillows. “That seems overwhelming right now, no thanks. What else did you learn, though? About what it is?”

S'ria could see G'raha's ears perk up in the corner of his vision, him scrambling in his bag for presumably more borrowed books.

“Ah yes, here we are!” G'raha cleared his throat, dropping the excitement from his tone. “...Are you certain you would actually like to hear about this? Some of the information may be uncomfortable for you.”

S'ria ears flicked, deep in thought for a few moments. He could feel G'raha's eyes on him.

“I think I'd like to know, at least.”

“Very well. Er, here are the details that seem to be consistent between different experts.” G'raha's cadence changed, suggesting that he was directly reading bits of the text. “An individual with this condition will exhibit multiple selves, of count ranging from one additional self to many. Said other selves may have different personalities and gender, and may not share memories or consciousness with the individual's primary self.”

It was uncanny, to hear this described so…casually? So concretely? S'ria did not want to be special or anything, but he'd honestly assumed there was something uniquely wrong with him. 

“That all sounds…very familiar, yes.” S'ria tried to unclench his jaw. “Does it say why?”

G'raha was quiet in response for a little too long, and S'ria sat up to look at him. He was fiddling with the edge of a page, looking briefly at a loss for words.

“Raha?”

G'raha briefly shook his head. “Forgive me, I just do not wish to be indelicate with how I put this. The condition is a protective mechanism, allowing the formation of specialized roles and quarantining of memories. It forms in response to prolonged trauma at single-digit ages, particularly, er –”. G'raha's voice dropped far quieter. “Particularly when experiencing repeated sexual abuse.”

S'ria understood the hesitation in saying that out loud – he could not suppress his shudder, the sudden trembling in his hands, a slight buzzing in his head. It was odd. He'd never had it referred to in such a clear clinical way before, and it was… difficult to describe how that felt. Equal parts validating and horrifying, perhaps.

“I… I see.”

“I apologize, are you quite alright?”

S'ria took a deep breath, trying to still his hands. “I am – I am not having a flashback, that is, I just – it is a bit cathartic to have it all laid out so plainly, but a bit overwhelming too. I don't want to sound ungrateful, I'm very glad to know this isn't just me.”

S'ria gently eased himself back into lying down. “Thank you for doing this research. I might ask you for more information some day, but right now I need… some time to think about this.”

G'raha slowly laid down next to S'ria and took his hand. “Of course. Let me know if you need anything.”

S'ria's mind wandered to the obvious weight of G'raha's backpack when he'd entered, wondering what else could be found within those pages. No, no, he didn't need any more in his head before he'd processed what was already there.

Still, it was nice to know – somehow intense and anticlimactic all at once – that the way he experienced the world was not a wholly unique one.

[peachysuho]

hello! ur one of my fav blogs bc ur a real sweetheart and i saw u reblogged that post so i thought i could rant to u. this is pretty triggering so TRIGGER WARNING (u dont have to respond if u dont want its ok) but lately I've been kinda having this feeling that i was sexually abused as a child and I've looked at all the signs and everything and i have experienced the majority of them. i dont rmr much but i feel like my memory has blocked a lot of it and now its coming back and I'm really scared

i’m really sorry about all of that baby….. i don’t have experience with this myself so i’m sorry i don’t exactly know what to say to you, but since you’ve done the research yourself and feel as though this is a possibility and that you’re experiencing a lot of the signs i guess what i would ask is if you’ve got someone you can speak to about all of this? it would be very helpful if there was someone you could turn to about this if you need to talk about it or possibly see a therapist at all? especially if the thoughts and feelings end up getting worse for you? by the way, as i’m sure you know, it’s very normal and common in traumatic situations for the victim to block out and repress the feelings, memories and events associated with their trauma so if you’re sure something happened but you can’t remember much or things seem fuzzy to you, it’s normal and happens to many people (as awful as it might be when having a hard time remembering the events… ah i’m sorry i hope i’m wording this correctly) but essentially what i would suggest is, if you want to or can, open up to someone around you if the possibility is there and you want to go for it because that’s really the best and most helpful thing i can offer to you right now :( i hope everything goes well for you, though and i’m really sorry these things are coming back to you…. if you need to talk more about it you’re welcome to come back or talk to me off anon if you need it ok?? ♥️

[julesxhensley]

Name: Jules Hensley Emmerson. Gender/Pronouns: Female, She/Her. Date of Birth: September 17th, 1993 Age: 26. Hometown: Portland, Oregon. Length of time in Redwood Bay: Thirteen Years. Neighborhood: McLoughlin Park. Occupation: Employee of The Vinyl Frontier/Drummer. Faceclaim: Melissa Roxburgh. 

hello hello my fools, my clowns, my fello neighbors of Redwood Bay, it is i, the ultimate clown, back with a third lil bean?? i’m a sucker, who allowed me to have a computer. anyway, here’s your intro for the long-awaited jules, FAIR WARNING she does have some trigger warnings that i’m going to try to ungracefully gloss over, which go slightly more in depth in her bio which can be found HERE. and also, she’s got a nifty lil connections page HERE. pls love her or twas all for naught.

{trigger warning: slight mention of childhood sexual abuse which will be kept vague here and never, ever mentioned on the dash, alcoholism, death, prison)

Starting in the beginning of Jules’ life on an obnoxiously warm September night, born Julep Hensley Vause, to a mother, an older brother, and a step-father whom she inherited the last name from. Her mother was a single mother before she met the dude who became Jules’ step-father, going at it alone with just her son and another baby on the way. The slightly better trailer in the slightly better area of Portland caught Jules’ mom’s attention and she uhauled her way into this dude’s home. 

Her step-father, Richie, wasn’t the best kind of dude. He did, after all, meet her mom in a bar, ordering his millionth mint julep despite his breath already reeking of alcohol. He only cared about a few things in his life; his recliner, his beers, and his three t-shirts. He was grimy, but he worked and he paid the bills and it was the relief that Jules’ mother needed.

This is where we insert the childhood sexual abuse trigger warning. 

The inappropriate attention from her step-father began when Jules was three and lasted until she was seven, never passing the point of inappropriate touching, but it was something she struggled for years to understand.

When she was six, her mother went to the hospital and never came back. Jules would later find out that it was liver failure that did her in. Life was never the same after that and she found herself subjected to more boldness from her step-father, until he crossed paths with her older brother one night. A night which ended in both the teenager and their step-father being arrested for aggravated assault, the latter of which then was charged with possession of images he shouldn’t have been in possession of and sentenced to a time in prison that was cut short when he was murdered in the prison yard just a year later. 

End CSA trigger warning.

Her older brother was dealt a bad hand, while what he did was in defense of Jules, he was sent to Juvie until he could be charged as an adult, and then was moved to prison himself for the assault. Just was then tossed into the foster care system.

She spent the next six years tossed through the system, discovering drumming as a way to release the built up anger that she struggled to contain over her past that hadn’t been in her control at all and exploring her sexuality and preteen rebellion until she landed on the doorstep of the Emmersons at the age of thirteen. 

They ended up adopting Jules, who then dropped the last name she had inherited from her step-father so quickly in exchange for the last name of Emmerson, although she now just goes by her first and middle, liking the edginess of it. 

She also currently works at The Vinyl Frontier as a day job to pay the bills while she knocks off with a garage band at night and on weekends, still finding the most joy while beating on a set of now-worn drums while blasting some old classic rock song much to the neighborhoods dismay.

[weedpullswoman]

The suggestion that statues erected in public spaces in the 20th century (and beyond) are historical artifacts to be ‘cherished’ by virtue of their historicity is absurd due to their relatively recent vintage, yes, but also because they were part of the cottage industry under Jim Crow when Reconstruction laws lapsed and white supremacist shitheads, hostile to the enfranchisement of former slaves and their descendants, were once again free to revise history to make themselves feel better and to intimidate black Americans, whom they regarded as victors in their defeat.

Making resistance to removing these gaudy chunks of self-serving propaganda about ‘preserving’ history or accepting that that is a valid concern is a concession to the dogwhistle embedded in every marker, statue, and obelisk. Images of terrorists and thugs are threatening reminders that the past can invade the present; that was their purpose then and that is the purpose for trying to protect them now. They are a reminder, a threat, a promise. They are built on lies, resentment, and paranoia. They were given prominent position in city centers, adjacent to Plessy-spawned segregated public services and private spaces, where before they had to be confined to cemeteries commemorating military casualties.

They represent not a single period in history (”Twas Here We Lost For Real This Time Ever and Ever Amen”), not the least of which because the people who made them are impervious to historical facts, but a continuum up to the present-day of a specific ideology and that is one of white supremacy, which in reaching the height of its fervor and potency was also an anti-state threat. But that shouldn’t be the emphasis when we’re examining why these statues need to be removed. The CSA was wrong not because it challenged federal power or because its formation constituted treason but because it existed only as an expression of hatred, greed, and bloodlust. Similarly, Neo-Nazis and the Klan are not wrong because they are violent. They’re wrong because they’re racist. Being a pacifist Klanboy (or POTUS) afraid to get his hands dirty but reveling in the destruction and fear caused by his more demonstrative fellow travelers does not absolve him of his racism. There are no ‘good’ ones or ‘nice’ ones.

And this right-wing preoccupation with reconstructing cretins like Lee exists not necessarily to foment revolution along white supremacist lines, but it certainly emanates from the childish desire to whitewash certain racist institutions -- slavery, Jim Crow -- and make them appear benign or even noble, old hat Beardian nonsense trying to ape respectability, ditto 20th and 21st white women’s obsession with romanticizing antebellum ‘culture.’ It’s not a coincidence that this cultural revisionism gained speed following a slight uptick in the collective lot of black Southerners and, indeed, all black Americans. Unable to cope with this, white Southerners valorized the traditional enemies and murderers of black Americans. Present-day white terrorists know this, are conversant in the language of the coded bigot, which is why they’re running scared now the jig is up on using ‘heritage’ as a bulwark against criticism of their fetishism for a racist past and future ethnically-cleansed utopia. They will, in fact, be replaced. But that’s cold comfort for all their past and future victims and for the people of color who have to endure their cosplaying, vigilantism, and invasion of college campuses, not to mention the emboldening of your average neighborhood shitheaded neo-Nazi, itching for enough plausible deniability that they can embark on a little mild genocide.

[falconridgegrp-blog]

Silica in Construction: Hazards & Control Measures

In recent years, to protect workers in the construction industry against exposure to hazardous chemicals, the Ministry of Labour removed the exemption to Ontario Regulation 833 that construction projects enjoyed.  This regulation sets out requirements for protecting workers against chemical exposures and to abide by the current Ontario legal limit for respirable crystalline silica (quartz & tripoli) of 0.10 mg /m3 TWA.

Silica is very common in construction. It is a major component of sand, cement, gravel, stone, brick and mortar.   It can be present in asphalts, roof coverings, joint compounds, plaster, caulking compounds and mastics.  It is a common filler for paint, plastics, rubber and water filtration and employed in sandblasting, grinding, abrasives and scouring cleansers.

As a result, occupational exposure to crystalline silica is one of the common occupational hazards on a construction site. Health effects that result from overexposure to crystalline silica include breathing difficulty, lung irritation, decreased pulmonary function, progressive respiratory symptoms, and silicosis lung disease and/or lung cancer.

Silica Risk Factors in Construction

According to IRSST Report R-771[1], workers in construction face a serious risk of overexposure to crystalline silica.   Some of the dangerous occupations include pipeline labourers, drillers, bricklayer – mason, cement finishers and underground workers (IRSST Figure1 [3]).   For these occupations, the geometric mean silica exposures exceed the Quebec and Ontario respirable silica legal occupational exposure limits (OEL) of 0.10 mg/m3 TWA.

Occupation is not the only factor that needs to be considered when evaluating the risk of silica exposure – tools, tasks and working materials should play an important part in assessing this risk. Some construction tasks expose workers to silica in amounts, which are 1 – 16 times the acceptable legal limit (IRSST Figure 2 [3]). These tasks include silica for traffic control, tuck point grinding, sawing roofing, tunnel boring, breaking masonry, bush-hammering concrete, grinding and sawing masonry and abrasive blasting.

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Some materials present higher exposures than others do with ceramic materials providing higher exposures than cement, followed by mortar and brick then by concrete blocks (IRSST Figure 3 [3]).

Finally, IRRST looked at silica exposure by tool and observed that all examples except for the sander exceeded the OEL for quartz silica in an 8-hour day.  These tools in increasing order of exposure included masonry tools, tuck point grinder, surface finishing grinder, tile cutter, drilling machine, jackhammer, tunnelling machine, bush hammer and portable masonry saw (IRSST Figure 4 [3]).

Control Measures

After reviewing all the aspects, which affect silica exposure in construction, it is imperative that engineering controls are implemented to protect workers.  Built-in exhaust ventilation and water spraying are important and absolutely necessary engineering control measures to minimize worker exposure to silica dust.

Administrative controls such as safe work procedures, worker training, on-the-job training, new worker orientation, safety meetings, hazard assessments, workplace inspections, silica awareness training and regular toolbox safety meetings are necessary to reinforce safe working with silica.

The final control in the hierarchy of controls is personal protective equipment. Respiratory protection may include full-face air-purifying respirators,  powered air purifying respirators or abrasive blast type CE supplied-air respirators depending on the type work being performed.   Equally important is that the construction project has a respiratory protection program that meets or exceeds the requirements of CSA Standard Z94.4- 2011 (reaffirmed 2016) selection use and care of respirators to ensure workers are trained, fit tested and work safely with the personal protection that is provided.

What can employees do to limit their exposure to crystalline silica?

Ontario Regulation 833 s. 3 (1) requires that every employer shall take all measures reasonably necessary in the circumstances to protect workers from exposure to a hazardous biological or chemical agent because of the storage, handling, processing or use of such agent in the workplace.   An assessment of worker occupational exposures is highly recommended.   Where exposure is possible then a control program to limit worker exposure should be developed.  The control program should follow the hierarchy of controls to minimize worker exposure.   The control measures in decreasing order of effectiveness range from elimination/substitution to use of engineering controls, followed by administrative controls and finally the use or respiratory protection.

Hierarchy of Controls [2]

Engineering controls could include dust suppression techniques such as using tools with water spray, negative pressure containment, and shower facilities with dirty/clean change rooms, wash stations.  Administrative controls could include silica hazard training, respiratory protection training, signage,  personal hygiene requirements and restrictions on eating drinking and smoking while personal protective equipment might include respiratory protection, eye protection and work clothes/street clothes change out.

Worker Safety with Silica: Key Questions to ask.

Is there crystalline silica in your work site?

Have you done everything to protect your workers from this hazardous substance

Are your workers trained on the hazards of crystalline silica?

Have all possible control measures been implemented?

Do you need air monitoring to ensure safety

T. Harris Environmental Management (THEM) can help you assess workplace exposures, develop a silica control program, provide training and assess respiratory protection requirements. Contact THEM – your silica experts. https://constructionlinks.ca/news/silica-construction-hazards-control-measures/ Established in 2003, Construction Links Network is a peer-to-peer network sharing platform for the construction, building and design community. This one-of-a-kind platform provides the tools necessary to source and distribute the latest news, videos, events and innovative products / services the industry has to offer which helps our members plan, design and build great projects around the world. #construction #building #architecture #engineer #safety

[snow-system-wol]

The nightmares continue, but at least they become less frequent -- and perhaps it's finally been enough months that S'ria can start to process.

(cw just below readmore)

(this is written by a B Side author and requires slightly stronger cw, primarily for the dialogue itself)

•References to possession etc, re: In From the Cold

•Discussion of hypothetical (not canon) sexual assault, somewhat explicit language

•Vague references to CSA

It was not days after averting the world's end and S'ria's near death – it was not weeks either, no. It was nearly three entire moons, with S'ria mostly having physically recovered, that everything aligned to create this moment.

G'raha slept peacefully, warm and comfortable in the middle of S'ria's bed – with the man himself half nestled against G'raha's side and half atop him. It was an arrangement that had slowly developed – from S'ria not wanting G'raha in his bed at all, to sharing while barely touching, to a gradual shift towards cuddling – as S'ria both grew more comfortable and was medically cleared to sleep in positions not on his back). There was still caution, G'raha did think S'ria properly being “little spoon” was not an option, but this was quite nice on its own.

G'raha woke up slowly, drowsy and relaxed, trying to figure out if there was a particular reason he was awake. He had not awoken from a nightmare, there were no loud noises like a storm, his body had no imminent complaints or needs, so… well, it certainly happened for no reason from time to time.

And then S'ria made a pitiful whimper, curling tighter into G'raha and lightly digging claws into G'raha's shoulder. Ah, that made more sense. ‘Twas not any cause of his own that pulled him from sleep, but rather S'ria's distress.

G'raha was… not certain how to proceed. Surely S'ria would like to be free of his nightmare, but shaking him awake did not seem a kind or viable path – it seemed like it would make things worse. To simply wait and listen seemed callous and slightly voyeuristic, though. He took a middle ground of gently purring – perhaps the comfort of it would filter through to S'ria's dream.

G'raha could not say if it had any positive effect, but for all his thoughts about not intentionally waking S'ria, he awoke soon after on his own.

S'ria jolted suddenly, coming to consciousness with rapid breaths – and then froze completely for several moments. He must have been taking in the situation – half undressed, tucked in bed and partly entwined with someone else.

He then snapped out of it, shoving G'raha away and scrambling backwards, gracelessly freeing himself from the bed. G'raha quickly sat up to see S'ria uncomfortably sprawled on the floor, wild-eyed and panicked. 

“Ria – Ria, ‘tis alright, you are safe.”

Even if the wheezy hyperventilation did not immediately pass, S'ria latched onto the name and began to stop his frantic side-glances around the room. Much as G'raha knew there were more words that scared S'ria than either of them could ever discover, he also knew that S'ria's master had never misused S'ria's family name. G'raha could not say whether the man would have, if he'd had such cultural knowledge, but G'raha doubted he'd have cared to use it.

As such, as long as S'ria could process his words, this version of his name would always indicate a non-threat.

G'raha hummed while he waited, lyrics forgotten in his anxiety – but it was plenty good enough for S'ria, who was finally lucid, getting his bad leg into a less twisted position with a harsh hiss.

“Would you care for assistance in getting back up?”

S'ria shook his head immediately and limped the few steps to the nest at the foot of the bed – where he wrapped himself in G'raha's long-abandoned quilt and made himself comfortable among the pillows. “No beds tonight.”

It was good, if nothing else, for words to have returned to him.

“Of course. May I join you on the futon?”

“Mhm.”

This was so rarely an arrangement at night, even if not unheard of. S'ria had arranged the room to his liking, with the bed being against a wall, a large heap of pillows at the foot of that, and then a single futon mattress beside the pile. That was originally G'raha's, but the only time he slept in it these days was when they both took afternoon naps on the floor.

Its presence was a blessing now, though, allowing him to comfortably remain by S'ria while giving him plenty of personal space. S'ria looked cozy, bundled up and sunk into pillows, but G'raha doubted he would fall asleep again readily.

G'raha didn't intend to fall asleep before S'ria was fully relaxed either, though. The following quarter bell, perhaps even half, was quiet except for faint clock ticking. S'ria eventually broke the stillness with unexpected words. 

“Can I talk about it?”

Oh, G'raha needed to stamp down on the urge to say yes too hastily, lest he sound eager to hear these things.

(He was not, though perhaps any ‘eagerness’ was instead how he felt about S'ria being in a place where the pain was now bearable to speak of.)

“Of course you may. Merely instruct me on what is most comfortable – whether I should speak or look at you and the like.”

G'raha briefly considered asking if he should perhaps bring a wastebasket over, given prior patterns, but that seemed like something too minor to risk S'ria shutting down over. No, he would simply stay and do as S'ria asked.

“For now… you can look at me, but don't comment or interrupt.” 

G'raha silently nodded, just once, regarding S'ria in a way that he hoped wasn't overly intense.

“How…how can I explain this in a way that will not sound…overly sensitive of me…?”

G'raha's resolve to follow S'ria's instructions wavered from the very beginning, already wanting to interject to tell S'ria that he'd never be judged here. He bit his tongue and waited for S'ria to continue. 

“Do you know what they did after they took me from camp?.” A wry smile graced S'ria's face. “Sat me down for a fancy dinner. That really doesn't sound so bad, compared to what you all must've thought – you must have thought it’d been something awful, but…”

His eyebrows drew together.

“It wasn't even that I woke up shoved into a random soldier's body, just – the dinner. It was only me at one end of the long table, and then Zenos at the other end, with Fandaniel prattling on off to the side… and all I could think about was those few times He invited me to dine alone with Him instead of having food brought to me. Already knowing this was Garlemald, being at that table made me feel like I barely knew where or when I was.”

It was always... interesting to get more snippets of memories from S'ria's past – he chose to speak of it so rarely and every time G'raha had to bite back showing the anger on his face. It was such a delicate place of conversation, and he was almost glad that S'ria had requested his silence this time – to not have to think what words he must carefully choose.

“There was a moment where I was actually happy to be in a body that'd never been His, I wasn't even that upset to be forced into Garlean armor and body, and then I realized my original body had to be somewhere, and I – was it safe? That was the only question on my mind. Then Zenos walked to a dark corner of the room and there I was, motionless. I at least looked as I should, but – but I don't –”.

S'ria pulled the quilt tighter around himself. “You won't like me putting it so plainly, but I can't – there aren't many words to dance around it.”

He turned his face partly away from G'raha. “Zenos is – was – obsessed with me. With Fray, really, but he didn't know. The way Fray remembers being spoken to, in Ala Mhigo, was so hungry and maybe the wrong sort of thrilled, and they couldn't tell if he was getting off on fighting us.” S'ria winced. “I – I didn't like the idea of him being alone with my unoccupied body, because… I don't think he actually wanted to fuck me, but I never knew for sure. And I wouldn't have even known if he did something.”

G'raha's wince echoed S'ria's own, but S'ria was luckily not looking at him. S'ria was right – it was jarring to hear him speak about Zenos in such directly crass ways, but G'raha did not blame him for that. It wasn't as though it was anything new – G'raha had harbored similar concerns when he first saw Zenos and S'ria interact, and it was an honest relief for S'ria to declare that he at least thought it was not quite like that.

“But then he made it clear that he was going to ‘borrow my flesh’, and he seemed so fucking curious about my body and where my strength came from, and I was so scared the whole time I was trying to fight my way back. What would he do with freedom and no observation, what could he do to you while wearing my face?!”

S'ria choked on a sob and G'raha's hands twitched, desperate to comfort him without making him feel worse. He did not need to figure out or struggle with that for long – S'ria, still bundled in the safe barrier of a thick quilt, crawled into G'raha's arms and shoved his head under G'raha's chin. G'raha doubted S'ria could much feel the pressure of the arms around him, but that was likely by design – but his trembling was still obvious, as was his raspy breathing.

“When I got my body back, I could still feel his presence and I couldn't get rid of it – and I… I couldn't stop wondering what he could've done that I would never know. D-did he inspect me? Fight some beast, to see what it was like? If he was aroused back in Ala Mhigo, would he have felt the same while fighting in my actual body – and then would he have been too curious and wanted to – to touch –”

S'ria made a quiet sound of distress and cut off with such suddenness that G'raha briefly feared that the wastebasket would have been needed after all. S'ria's breathing carefully slowed, the agitation in his body giving way to tiredness.

“Raha, ‘m sorry, this is… it's gross that my mind goes to these places. He just borrowed my body to test something, he wouldn't have assaulted me, I know… but I can imagine exactly what it'd feel like, and that bleeds together with the memories of Mast–”.

S'ria's mouth audibly clicked shut and G'raha's heart ached for him. S'ria almost always simply said Him, spat out in a tone that made it clear who was meant. The few times that politely referring to the man as ‘Master’ slipped out, S'ria invariably seemed absolutely horrified and disgusted by the impulse.

After a long wait, S'ria quietly shaking and tears soaking slowly into G'raha's shirt, he realized that S'ria was quite done speaking after that. G'raha exhaled slowly.

“Oh, Ria.” G'raha's voice cracked. “‘Tis not your fault that you would think that way. None of it is.” He didn't know what else could be said or how to make S'ria feel better. Perhaps there was nothing to say. S'ria curled farther into G'raha's arms, a warm shapeless weight against his chest. G'raha purred to him, and a weak answering rumble, attenpted self-soothing, came from S'ria.

Oh, if Zenos dared to survive his death at the edge of the universe, G'raha would tear him limb from limb if he ever tried to return.