#Tuberculosis the Furby | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

justinehudock · 3 years ago

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Patient zero

Patient did not suggest any special abilities nor disabilities of significance. For present discussion it is of interest to note that in the "Aussage" Test the patient gave a functional account, enumerating 100 items, 2 of which were incorrect, 98 of which the patient refused to verbally acknowledge but which were accommodatingly scratched out on the testing chambers’ blackboards with a dirty fingernail, instigating a riot in the misophonia ward, directly down the hall. Several guards are down and several more have had their ears cut off. Upon the second testing phase, aimed at determining pathological impressionability, we were pleasantly surprised to find that the patient accepted none of the invented suggestions which we proffered, indicating a high tolerance for manipulability and above average incredulousness. When she was informed of her extremely high score, the patient snorted and said only, “Yeah, right.”

Further patient back history reveals that she is one of seven children, three of whom are living, three having died in infancy, and one of whom is herself. The father had just recently died of “tuberculosis”, a vulgarity of her small southwestern home town meaning being violated to death with members of the vegetable tuber family. Patient relays that the county coroner found evidence of penetrative jícama, carrots, and, though in pickled form, Chinese artichoke that had been frozen solid and sharpened with either some kind of rock, or, more likely, a Chef'sChoice 1520 Angle Select Electric Knife Sharpener, several thousand of which had been shipped to the town’s gang system and which they had ever since been trying to unload upon the town’s private population, stuffed with drugs for a nominal upcharge, best upcharge around.

As for the patient’s mother, pregnancy with her was healthy, though the mother suffered a considerable shock when she stood on a passenger boat by the side of a man who jumped overboard and blundered his suicide when the sea beneath them was discovered to be a lightshow water simulation, part of the History of Pirates aquarium exhibit which their church group was graciously hosted by at the time.

The birth was difficult. The child weighed only 3 lbs. and the obstetrician had to root around in her mother’s cavity for nearly half an hour before finding the patient, who already displayed an immense aptitude for the game of hide-and-seek. Instruments were used, including a bullhorn, which the nurses yelled into for the patient to come out right this instant or no breast milk would be given. It was a breech presentation. That is, the patient came out hiny-first, wiggling it tauntingly in a display of pride for her insubordination.

At 2 years of age the patient was very ill with gastritis and what was said to be spinal meningitis, though the patient stated this would have been impossible as her spine had already been removed by an older male cousin who dabbled in wiccanism. She had some convulsions then. Had both walked and talked when she was about 13 months of age, three months sooner than the national average, but being three months stupider, most of her speech was virtually indistinguishable from the deranged ramblings of a Furby.

From the standpoint of general nervousness the patient was said to be one of the calmest in the family, although she was accustomed to drink five or six cups of coffee a day, and, quite bizarrely, reported often eating raw coffee beans covered with a kind of hard-shell, sweetened cocoa. None of the patient’s researchers had ever heard of this combination before, though the patient was insistent that it was common and known colloquially as “chocolate-covered coffee beans”. Even so, the patient was forcibly induced into a three-week coma upon receipt of this statement because the idea was so novel to her team. Interestingly, the hospital gift shop sells these dessert beans, and so perhaps we should concede the patient’s inducement was hasty. It is unfortunate that her report was written in pen.

Menstruation at 13 years, no irregularity. On examination we found a very well nourished and well-developed young woman of slouchy attitude, bushy eyebrows, and normal expression most of the time. Slight strabismus. Examination otherwise negative except for the fact that she is still regularly menstruating to this day at age of 22, which we note indicates an avoidance to cease menstruation.

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