#Trust me your debut novel is your first impression

[enby-hawke]

I see some of people in Facebook writer's groups saying they can't afford an editor so they plan to only use grammarly. The fuck? That's why self published authors have no trust.

There are valid reasons to self publish. I myself might self publish, but capitalism has you thinking so limited. Everyone has a set of skills they can offer. And if you don't you should at least be doing your best to get beta readers and trades but you're all creative people. Don't limit yourself. Think of what you can offer to someone else and go back to the basics and offer a trade.

I recently found an editor willing to charge me way less in exchange of a partnership where I provide character art and book covers. Think of what you can do. Can you build a website? Can you provide accounting experience? Can you provide contracting advice? Your life has already given you the tools within yourself to succeed.

But don't sabotage your success by being so arrogant that you think you can live without an editor. Their jobs are vital and they are important for a reason. Yes, even professionally edited stories make mistakes, but can you imagine what those drafts looked like without that polish.

Don't damage the trust you have with your readership by jumping the gun and debuting a subpar product. Be patient and do it right. Give yourself the best chance of success by treating your writing like a business and investing in it.

If all you have is your story why not make a gofundme/kofi/whatever and start telling people about it to save up? If people believe in your work they will want to help you. But if you think a vital service such as an editor can be replaced by a robot you're sorely mistaken and you should not be surprised if you get nowhere. Success isn't earned half assing things.

I know this came across as bitchy but I say this as someone who wants to see you all succeed.

[battyaboutbooksreviews]

🦇 Good Fortune Book Review 🦇

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

❝ But meeting him now felt like meeting him for the first time, glimpsing a new side of the person she want once imagined she knew. It unsettled her, how little she could trust that her impression of him would stay true to the versions she met later. ❞

❓ QOTD What's your favorite Austen adaptation?

🦇 Elizabeth "LB" Chen's mother is all too excited when she sells the neighborhood's beloved yet derelict community center to two Chinese men from Hong Kong, but LB isn't convinced these investors have the community's best interests at heart. With stubborn albeit good intentions, she fights for the community, too often butting heads with uptight, arrogant Darcy Wong in the process. The two are forced to spend time together, each venturing into the other's world longer than they're comfortable with. Can they see from one another's perspective, or will pride and prejudice get in the way?

💜 It's a truth universally acknowledged that many book lovers adore a good retelling—emphasis on "good." There are many that fail to hit the mark, neglecting the qualities that led readers to fall in love with the original story in the first place.

🧧Good Fortune hits every mark...and then some.

💜 The first 25 pages feature language so unique and enthralling that, for a moment, you'll forget this was a retelling in the first place. The writing is full of sass and quick wit without compromising the charm or formality of Austen's original works. Modernized, the language is moving, thought-provoking, and refreshing. Once it ensnares you, you'll find the sun has long set—or perhaps, just beginning to rise—as the story makes you forget all sense of time. Despite the familiar characters and plot, Chau does stunning work of making the story her own. The smallest of details—like LB's photography, the issue of gentrification, and Darcy's community outreach—to foundational changes—like setting the story in New York's Chinatown and making the sisters children of Chinese immigrants—all play a part in the story's progression. Chau never abandons the themes that make Pride and Prejudice such a monumental story, instead using them to bring attention to the same problems that still exist today: cultural identity, class divides, the burdens and responsibilities of family. Culture is infused in every page, granting this story a unique authenticity that other retellings lack. Infusing this story with the Chinese-American children-of-immigrants perspective only makes the classical class divide AND family values all the more poignant.

🦇 I think most readers will feel conflicted about the minor adjustments made to some of the supporting characters (namely, Jade and Lydia, who are a little more frustrating than usual). However, the frustrations both cause give LB the push she needs to adjust her perspective. Lydia's scandal and brattish behavior made me set my Kindle aside more than once, but I've never been a fan of Lydia Bennet.

🦇 Though I don't think the book needs to be longer, I do wish we got a little more of LB and Darcy together at the end. However, the original Pride and Prejudice story, along with most retellings, stop at the point they're together, so I understand it. The playful, rather than abrasive version of their banter is so entertaining that it only left me starved for more.

🦇 Recommended for fans of the original Pride and Prejudice, readers eager for diverse stories, and lovers of Sonali Dev's The Rajes series (another great retelling you NEED to read if you haven't already). Book bats, you've gotta grab this one!

✨ The Vibes ✨ ㊗️ Debut Novel 🎩 Contemporary Pride and Prejudice 🏮 Enemies to Lovers 🥠 Class Consciousness 🥟 Family is Everything 👠 Stubborn Integrity

🦇 Major thanks to the author and publisher for providing an ARC of this book via Netgalley. 🥰 This does not affect my opinion regarding the book.

[nutty1005]

Uniquely Him – Xiao Zhan: The biggest monster to defeat is himself

Translator’s Note: This article comes from ELLE Magazine 2019 Jan Issue.

He learned drawing since elementary school, drawing planets and monsters were his obsession, firmly believing in the existence of aliens. As a lively, vivid and exemplary person, he radiates a sense of security from someone dependable, and yet he has a worldly wisdom of one who knows the ways of the world but prefers not to practice it. 

He learned drawing since young, drawing planets and monsters were his obsession. When he watched Martians in movies as a child, his wild imagination gave him a battle with monsters. At that time, he was a boy who was especially fascinated with space, and believed firmly that aliens existed. When he saw news on UFOs, he was excited, curious, but also afraid – would the aliens be friendly with us?

After he read “The Three-Body Problem”, this feeling grew stronger. While exclaiming the broadness of the author’s imagination and how grand the universe is, he researched on the theories and explanations in the novel, as well as on astronomy. Xiao Zhan also imagined how the subjects in “The Three-Body Problem” would look like, “looks like an engineer, perhaps he wears spectacles, he must have a highly progressed mind, great mechanical skills, but probably useless in everyday life, just like Sheldon in ‘The Big Bang Theory’.”

The cruel logic behind all the glitz

Seated in front of the window in the hotel room, his long narrow eyes, puffy and red, Xiao Zhan just finished a day’s filming, and was accepting our interview in a layer of thick winter coat. His attitude was polite, and all around him was the vividness of youth – this made a huge impression.

He had his own studio when he was in year 2 of university, and became a designer after graduating – exemplary student Xiao Zhan’s most glorious moment was being able to design logos in projects with his seniors while he was still an intern, and the client eventually chose his design. Life as a designer lasted until 2015 – his university teacher recommended him to participate in “X-Fire” (TN: A talent search variety show) and he debuted, and since then, his life went onto a different track, becoming one of the hottest idols currently.

Actually, the challenge of becoming an artist is not much different from fighting monsters – since you receive flowers and applause, you would also receive gossip and rumors. His life had been smooth sailing till this, and this confused him for a while, “When the competition ended, there was some dissenting voices, I didn’t quite understand then. Now I’m more at peace, because when you choose a career, you need to learn to accept it. People will like you, and there will be people who won’t.”

However, the cruel logic behind all the glitz was something he could not have imagined. “Audiences do not see what you’ve experienced along the way, they would only judge you based on the final results.” He was filming his first period movie, being outdoors in the mountains at -10°C+ was a daily norm, “We’re filming by the river, everyday we could see the ice slowly form up, today the river is totally frozen, we could walk on it. Basically after every scene I have to cover my face with a warm water bag, otherwise my face would be numb from the cold and become uncontrollable.” And because today there was a scene to scream and shout, Xiao Zhan’s voice was already hoarse.

Xiao Zhan could overcome all this suffering and exhaustion well, the biggest monster he wanted to fight were his self imposed restrictions. “Just now I was thinking while doing make-up, that actually celebrities are like a product, packaged by make-up and styles in order to polish this product. I will bring forth my best to my audiences, but yet I don’t want to over package myself, the real me needs to be in it. I wish that everyone, while accepting my glorious exterior as a celebrity, would also accept my flaws and quirks, since after all, I am a vivid person.”

This sincerity and clarity is where Xiao Zhan’s wisdom lies.

“There is no grandiose in my life”

2018 is the year of rapid growth for Xiao Zhan, he had main roles in various dramas, such as “The Wolf”, “Joy of Life”, “The Untamed”, etc – honing his acting and radiating his presence.

As the lead actor in “The Untamed”, Xiao Zhan’s load was heavy and his filming schedule was tight – filming under the ceaseless summer heat in Hengdian, his mind was always tense. The temperatures in the set was as high as 50°C, the make-up could not stay on, and he filmed most scenes barefaced. The most unforgettable scene was a crying scene – Wei Wuxian, portrayed by Xiao Zhan, had an explosive emotional scene after the massacre of the Jiang family. This scene started filming in the morning, he and Jiang Yanli started crying since 7 a.m. and after they were done, their eyes were as swollen as that of goldfishes. Before this, he was filming “The Wolf” – he systematically took performance classes and grew rapidly in during the filming. “Familiar set and environment, learning to adjust to the nerves and tension, especially since there were hundreds of people servicing you on set, you can do no mistakes.” Xiao Zhan radiates this sense of security from someone dependable. “The Wolf” was his first time as a main supporting role, and he was under tremendous pressure during that period, he often dreamed of acting on set. After every scene he would request for everyone to provide feedback, and then he would learn continuously, analyze and quickly adjust.

After that he had his first cat of his life, a munchkin named Jianguo (TN: Jianguo means nut). After the performance teacher learned about this, one of the homework he gave Xiao Zhan was for him to observe his cat. As a cat-lover, he reveled in the it, “I found out some things that I overlooked, like you will find out that when she’s angry, affectionate or hungry her expression and calls are different.” Xiao Zhan was exceptionally loving to his cat – the first thing he did when after a day’s work was to go home and play with his cat. His private life was quiet and simple, he just stays at home. “The feeling of staying at home is like falling into a cloud, you could roll around as you like, there is no pressure.”

“There is no grandiose in my life.” This was what he felt that gave people the sense of security. His parents, while supportive of his career, were also worried, hence Xiao Zhan often communicated with them, sharing his career successes, helping them be at ease.

In the whole conversation, Xiao Zhan had the purity and enthusiasm belonging uniquely to a youth, and there was this sense of extraordinary realness in him. “Whether or not I want to be an idol, I don’t actually have a choice, the label of an idol is already on me, just that I want to slowly shed off the label of an idol, and become an actor accepted by audiences, so that they can see more of my inner self.”

“I especially dislike public proclamations, you have to pace your life.”

ELLE: What type of boyfriend do you think you are? XZ: I am the boyfriend who is more considerate of the other person, if there were to be my other half in the future, when she’s busy, upset or happy, or wants me to do something, I’ll try to accompany her the way she likes it.

ELLE: Are you the gentle puppy type of boyfriend? XZ: There’s definitely a dominating side, but if you were to be dominating everyday, how do you live? When you have the other half, the most important things are responsibility and trust. (After having a cat, do you think you’re a good dad?) I feel yes, from taking care of my cat.

ELLE: What type of girls do you most want to date? XZ: In many interviews before I spoke about warm, gentle and family-loving girls, but I feel that it still comes down to chemistry, and this is something unpredictable.

ELLE: If you are currently dating a girl, how would you hope to spend Valentine’s Day? XZ: Stay at home, and cook together. There’s a phrase about when you love the right person, every day’s Valentine’s Day, why do you have to spend that day in the crowd with everyone. Being an artist is quite particular, and quite tiring, I have to go back to live my life. If everyday has to be vigorous and stirring, there’s no way to live. No one can act everyday, I especially dislike public proclamations, I feel that you have to pace your life.

ELLE: If we give you a holiday now, what would you do? XZ: Go home and rest, with my parents, and then play with my cat.

ELLE: Are you a typical Libra? XZ: I don’t think so, I don’t have difficulties in choosing, when I spot something I want to buy, I’ll just buy. But sometimes I’ll be stuck in things that I care about, for example the scene I did today, if I’m not satisfied with it, I will think about it from morning till night, and annoy the others around me with my nagging.

[waywardnerd67]

TFWB - Chap 24 The Winchester Chronicles

Summary: Jared has a special signing of Jensen’s NYT Bestselling book at his renown bookstore. Characters: Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Rachel Sanderson (OFC), Reader Pairing: Jared x Rachel (OFC) Warnings: Fluff/AU Word Count: 1197 Squared Filled: Bookstore AU A/N #1: This is for @spnfluffbingo​ card

Check out: The Family We Built Masterlist

Jensen looked at his calendar seeing he had an appointment with a new client scheduled by his assistant Kat. He called her into his office before she left for the day.

“Who is this new client? I’m taking a step back from the firm, remember?”

She narrowed her eyes at him, “I remember. Trust me, you will want to take this appointment. I wouldn’t have scheduled it if I didn’t think it would be a great fit for you. Now I’m going to leave because I have a hot date with a Winchester tonight. Have a great night Mr. Ackles.”

He laughed as she left his office leaving the door ajar. Most of his firm had read his debut novel, The Winchester Chronicles, by now. A few senior employees asked for him to sign it and a couple of braver interns had as well. He needed to check in with (Y/N) to see how it was selling around the country. He looked up when there was a knock on his door and saw Jared walking in.

“Hey, what’s with the monkey suit?” Jensen motioned to Jared’s nice charcoal suit and navy tie.

He sat down in front of his desk, “I’m your appointment Mr. Ackles.”

Jensen stared at his best friend for a moment surprised deciding to play along, “Oh, well okay then. What brings you in today, Mr. Padalecki?”

“I wanted to approach you about having a book event at my local bookstore. You see, your novel has just hit the New York Times Bestsellers list and I would love to have an event to celebrate that remarkable feat.” Jared held up his phone with the website pulled up and zoomed in on his novel.

He took the phone from him staring down at his name and novel title with the number ten by it, “Holy shit…” He looked up as his friend smiled widely at him then went back to his business face.

“Now, Turn the Page Books and More, I feel is the perfect fit for this event. We can have a limited book signing and reading. We would work with your agent for promotions and have your novel featured in our front window display.” Jared pulled out an official contract placing it on his desk, “Of course you’ll want your agent to read over that and once it’s signed we can begin preparations.”

He was impressed by all the work Jared put into this and reeling from the news of being on the bestsellers list, “I will have my agent read over this after myself and have it back to you by the end of the day tomorrow.”

Both men stood up, “I appreciate this opportunity Mr. Ackles and I must say I thoroughly enjoyed your novel. I look forward to hearing from you tomorrow.” Jensen stepped from behind his desk to shake Jared’s hand.

“Thank you.” He pulled Jared into a hug, “Now stop being such a damn good business owner and let’s gather everyone to celebrate.”

“Damn right because this is fucking awesome! Congratulations buddy.”

A month later, Jensen was standing in front of his mirror trying to decide on if wearing a tie was too much or not. It was his first event of any kind for his novel and his stomach was buzzing with nerves.

“Hey there handsome.”

He turned around to see (Y/N) standing in the doorway wearing a simple flowy white dress. She walked over standing in front him, slipping the tie from around his neck. It was the simplest thing but from her it made his heart race.

“You look beautiful, (Y/N).” He said softly as she smiled.

(Y/N) walked into his closet pulling out a more casual yellow and gray plaid button down, “The Oxford is a little too much for this event. You need to be approachable and not the CEO of an investment firm.”

Jensen unbuttoned his shirt, slipping it off and trading it for the one she was holding. He noticed her eyes traveling the length of his body as she sucked in a breath seeing him in only a plain under shirt. A smirk curled on his face as he put the other shirt on.

“Thanks.” He looked up to see her looking away walking towards the door. He took a deep breath remembering his promise to her.

Jared’s bookstore was located on 6th Street, which was a popular bar hopping, shopping part of downtown Austin. He first drove past the front of the store to see a line wrapping around the building of people holding copies of his book. He could not believe the amount of people there for his book and looked over to (Y/N) who was smiling from ear to ear.

“And you thought there would be no one here.” Her sing-song tone made him chuckle as he parked behind the bookstore.

Rachel was waiting outside for them pacing as she rubbed her swollen belly. Jensen said a silent prayer that she did not go into labor during this event. Not for his sake but for Jared’s since he knew his best friend had been freaking about this event all month.

“Finally! Jared is driving me crazy and I need you to calm his ass down before I kill him.” She ranted as Jensen leaned down kissing her cheek.

“You look gorgeous Momma now relax and I’ll handle the mad man.”

She sighed hugging him, “Bless you, you wonderful man.”

Before going inside Jensen looked back to see Rachel and (Y/N) having some kind of intense conversation. Curious, he made a mental note to ask her about it on his way to drop her off back home. He found Jared easily losing his mind trying to make everything perfect. After a few stern words and a smack on the face, Jensen finally got him to calm down.

The event went without a hitch. Meeting fans of his book was an experience he would never forget. Hearing how the Winchesters’ story helped them through some dark times and give them hope meant everything to him. A few young ladies flirted with him as well as a few older ones. He would smile politely, signing their books and then would scan the room for (Y/N). When his eyes would land on her everything in the world felt right again.

When it was time for the reading, Jared surprised him by reading one of his favorite parts in the book, “Chapter 22 - The Wayward Sons…”

***

Watching Jensen with his fans and hearing some of their stories was an amazing experience for her. (Y/N) remembered all the fangirls talking about how hot Jensen was and the jealousy raging through her body. Any time a girl would flirt with him, she had noticed his eyes scanning the room until they found her and then he would smile at her. That is when Rachel’s come to Jesus talk about her feelings for him would echo in her mind.

Make your move or you’re going to lose him to some other woman and I refuse to let that happen. You’re in love with him now tell him.

If you enjoyed this story then check out my Masterlist!

My Nerd Herd:  @waywardbaby​ @ladywinchester1967​ @akshi8278​ @ericaprice2008​ @deans-baby-momma​ @spnbaby-67​ @dean-winchesters-bacon​ @carryonmywaywardcaptain​ @-lovepeacenhope-​ @destiel745​ @carribear31​ @srsllydunnodoncare​ @whimsicalrobots​ @thisismysecrethappyplace​ @starstruckzonkoperatorbat​ @adoptdontshoppets​ @mrswhozeewhatsis​ @bella-ca​ @drakelover78​ @imascio08​ @pisces-cutie​ @dwgrl1903-blog​ @mannls​ @the-salty-asian​ @winchesterprincessbride​ @xostephanie​ @superromijn​ @witch-of-letters​ @time-travel-bouqet​ @screechingartisancashbailiff​ @myinconnelly1​ @sister-winchesters99​ @thekatherinewinchester​ @maddiepants​ @tumbler-tidbits​ @sandlee44​ @destielhoneybee​ @jerkbitchidjitassbutt​ @thefaithfulwriter​ @stoneyggirl​ @supernaturalginger​ @emoryhemsworth​ @wednesdayismyfunday​ @team-free-will-you-idjiot​ @atc74​ @cosicas-cuquis​ @casseythebee

[mattbrothersscriptwriter]

My Top 20 Films of 2019 - Part Two

I don’t think I’ve had a year where my top ten jostled and shifted as much as this one did - these really are the best of the best and my personal favourites of 2019.

10. Toy Story 4

I think we can all agree that Toy Story 3 was a pretty much perfect conclusion to a perfect trilogy right? About as close as is likely to get, I’m sure. I shared the same trepidation when part four was announced, especially after some underwhelming sequels like Finding Dory and Cars 3 (though I do have a lot of time for Monsters University and Incredibles 2). So maybe it’s because the odds were so stacked against this being good but I thought it was wonderful. A truly existential nightmare of an epilogue that does away with Andy (and mostly kids altogether) to focus on the dreams and desires of the toys themselves - separate from their ‘duties’ as playthings to biological Gods. What is their purpose in life without an owner? Can they be their own person and carve their own path? In the case of breakout new character Forky (Tony Hale), what IS life? Big big questions for a cash grab kids films huh?

The animation is somehow yet another huge leap forward (that opening rainstorm!), Bo Peep’s return is excellently pitched and the series tradition of being unnervingly horrifying is back as well thanks to those creepy ventriloquist dolls! Keanu Reeves continues his ‘Keanuassaince‘ as the hilarious Duke Caboom and this time, hopefully, the ending at least feels finite. This series means so much to me: I think the first movie is possibly the tightest, most perfect script ever written, the third is one of my favourites of the decade and growing up with the franchise (I was 9 when the first came out, 13 for part two, 24 for part three and now 32 for this one), these characters are like old friends so of course it was great to see them again. All this film had to do was be good enough to justify its existence and while there are certainly those out there that don’t believe this one managed it, I think the fact that it went as far as it did showed that Pixar are still capable of pushing boundaries and exploring infinity and beyond when they really put their minds to it.

9. The Nightingale

Hoo boy. Already controversial with talk of mass walkouts (I witnessed a few when this screened at Sundance London), it’s not hard to see why but easy to understand. Jennifer Kent (The Babadook) is a truly fearless filmmaker following up her acclaimed suburban horror movie come grief allegory with a period revenge tale set in the Tasmanian wilderness during British colonial rule in the early 1800s. It’s rare to see the British depicted with the monstrous brutality for which they were known in the distant colonies and this unflinching drama sorely needed an Australian voice behind the camera to do it justice.

The film is front loaded with some genuinely upsetting, nasty scenes of cruel violence but its uncensored brutality and the almost casual nature of its depiction is entirely the point - this was normalised behaviour over there and by treating it so matter of factly, it doesn’t slip into gratuitous ‘movie violence’. It is what it is. And what it is is hard to watch. If anything, as Kent has often stated, it’s still toned down from the actual atrocities that occurred so it’s a delicate balance that I think Kent more than understands. Quoting from an excellent Vanity Fair interview she did about how she directs, Kent said “I think audiences have become very anaesthetised to violence on screen and it’s something I find disturbing... People say ‘these scenes are so shocking and disturbing’. Of course they are. We need to feel that. When we become so removed from violence on screen, this is a very irresponsible thing. So I wanted to put us right within the frame with that person experiencing the loss of everything they hold dear”. 

Aisling Franciosi is next level here as a woman who has her whole life torn from her, leaving her as nothing but a raging husk out for vengeance. It would be so easy to fall into odd couple tropes once she teams up with reluctant native tracker Billy (an equally impressive newcomer, Baykali Ganambarr) but the film continues to stay true to the harsh racism of the era, unafraid to depict our heroine - our point of sympathy - as horrendously racist towards her own ally. Their partnership is not easily solidified but that makes it all the stronger when they star to trust each other. Sam Claflin is also career best here, weaponizing his usual charm into dangerous menace and even after cementing himself as the year’s most evil villain, he can still draw out the humanity in such a broken and corrupt man.

Gorgeously shot in the Academy ratio, the forest landscape here is oppressive and claustrophobic. Kent also steps back into her horror roots with some mesmerising, skin crawling dream scenes that amplify the woozy nightmarish tone and overbearing sense of dread. Once seen, never forgotten, this is not going to be everyone’s cup of tea (and that’s fine) but when cinema can affect you on such a visceral level and be this powerful, reflective and honest about our own past, it’s hard to ignore. Stunning.

8. The Irishman

Aka Martin Scorsese’s magnum opus, I did manage to see this one in a cinema before the Netflix drop and absolutely loved it. I’ve watched 85 minute long movies that felt longer than this - Marty’s mastery of pace, energy and knowing when to let things play out in agonising detail is second to none. This epic tale of  the life of Frank Sheeran (Robert De Niro) really is the cinematic equivalent of having your cake and eating it too, allowing Scorsese to run through a greatest hits victory lap of mobster set pieces, alpha male arguments, a decades spanning life story and one (last?) truly great Joe Pesci performance before simply letting the story... continue... to a natural, depressing and tragic ending, reflecting the emptiness of a life built on violence and crime.

For a film this long, it’s impressive how much the smallest details make the biggest impacts. A stammering phone call from a man emotionally incapable of offering any sort of condolence. The cold refusal of forgiveness from a once loving daughter. A simple mirroring of a bowl of cereal or a door left slightly ajar. These are the parts of life that haunt us all and it’s what we notice the most in a deliberately lengthy biopic that shows how much these things matter when everything else is said and done. The violence explodes in sudden, sharp bursts, often capping off unbearably tense sequences filled with the everyday (a car ride, a conversation about fish, ice cream...) and this contrast between the whizz bang of classic Scorsese and the contemplative nature of Silence era Scorsese is what makes this film feel like such an accomplishment. De Niro is FINALLY back but it’s the memorably against type role for Pesci and an invigorated Al Pacino who steals this one, along with a roll call of fantastic cameos, with perhaps the most screentime given to the wonderfully petty Stephen Graham as Tony Pro, not to mention Anna Paquin’s near silent performance which says more than possibly anyone else. 

Yes, the CG de-aging is misguided at best, distracting at worst (I never really knew how old anyone was meant to be at any given time... which is kinda a problem) but like how you get used to it really quickly when it’s used well, here I kinda got past it being bad in an equally fast amount of time and just went with it. Would it have been a different beast had they cast younger actors to play them in the past? Undoubtedly. But if this gives us over three hours of Hollywood’s finest giving it their all for the last real time together, then that’s a compromise I can live with.

7. The Last Black Man in San Francisco

Wow. I was in love with this film from the moving first trailer but then the film itself surpassed all expectations. This is a true indie film success story, with lead actor Jimmie Fails developing the idea with director Joe Talbot for years before Kickstarting a proof of concept and eventually getting into Sundance with short film American Paradise, which led to the backing of this debut feature through Plan B and A24. The deeply personal and poetic drama follows a fictionalised version of Jimmie, trying to buy back an old Victorian town house he claims was built by his grandfather, in an act of rebellion against the increasingly gentrified San Francisco that both he and director Talbot call home.

The film is many things - a story of male friendship, of solidarity within our community, of how our cities can change right from underneath us - it moves to the beat of it’s own drum, with painterly cinematography full of gorgeous autumnal colours and my favourite score of the year from Emile Mosseri. The performances, mostly by newcomers or locals outside of brilliant turns from Jonathan Majors, Danny Glover and Thora Birch, are wonderful and the whole thing is such a beautiful love letter to the city that it makes you ache for a strong sense of place in your own home, even if your relationship with it is fractured or strained. As Jimmie says, “you’re not allowed to hate it unless you love it”.

For me, last year’s Blindspotting (my favourite film of the year) tackled gentrification within California more succinctly but this much more lyrical piece of work ebbs and flows through a number of themes like identity, family, memory and time. It’s a big film living inside a small, personal one and it is not to be overlooked.

6. Little Women

I had neither read the book nor seen any prior adaptation of Louisa May Alcott’s 1868 novel so to me, this is by default the definitive telling of this story. If from what I hear, the non linear structure is Greta Gerwig’s addition, then it’s a total slam dunk. It works so well in breaking up the narrative and by jumping from past to present, her screenplay highlights certain moments and decisions with a palpable sense of irony, emotional weight or knowing wink. Getting to see a statement made with sincere conviction and then paid off within seconds, can be both a joy and a surefire recipe for tears. Whether it’s the devastating contrast between scenes centred around Beth’s illness or the juxtaposition of character’s attitudes to one another, it’s a massive triumph. Watching Amy angrily tell Laurie how she’s been in love with him all her life and then cutting back to her childishly making a plaster cast of her foot for him (’to remind him how small her feet are’) is so funny. 

Gerwig and her impeccable cast bring an electric energy to the period setting, capturing the big, messy realities of family life with a mix of overwhelming cross-chatter and the smallest of intimate gestures. It’s a testament to the film that every sister feels fully serviced and represented, from Beth’s quiet strength to Amy’s unforgivable sibling rivalry. Chris Cooper’s turn as a stoic man suffering almost imperceptible grief is a personal heartbreaking favourite. 

The book’s (I’m assuming) most sweeping romantic statements are wonderfully delivered, full of urgent passion and relatable heartache, from Marmie’s (Laura Dern) “I’m angry nearly every day of my life” moment to Jo’s (Saoirse Ronan) painful defiance of feminine attributes not being enough to cure her loneliness. The sheer amount of heart and warmth in this is just remarkable and I can easily see it being a film I return to again and again.

5. Booksmart

2019 has been a banner year for female directors, making their exclusion from some of the early awards conversations all the more damning. From this list alone, we have Lulu Wang, Jennifer Kent and Greta Gerwig. Not to mention Lorene Scafaria (Hustlers), Melina Matsoukas (Queen & Slim), Jocelyn DeBoer & Dawn Luebbe (Greener Grass), Sophie Hyde (Animals) and Rose Glass (Saint Maud - watch out for THIS one in 2020, it’s brilliant). Perhaps the most natural transition from in front of to behind the camera has been made by Olivia Wilde, who has created a borderline perfect teen comedy that can make you laugh till you cry, cry till you laugh and everything in-between.

Subverting the (usually male focused) ‘one last party before college’ tropes that fuel the likes of Superbad and it’s many inferior imitators, Booksmart follows two overachievers who, rather than go on a coming of age journey to get some booze or get laid, simply want to indulge in an insane night of teenage freedom after realising that all of the ‘cool kids’ who they assumed were dropouts, also managed to get a place in all of the big universities. It’s a subtly clever remix of an old favourite from the get go but the committed performances from Kaitlyn Dever and Beanie Feldstein put you firmly in their shoes for the whole ride. 

It’s a genuine blast, with big laughs and a bigger heart, portraying a supportive female friendship that doesn’t rely on hokey contrivances to tear them apart, meaning that when certain repressed feelings do come to the surface, the fallout is heartbreaking. As I stated in a twitter rave after first seeing it back in May, every single character, no matter how much they might appear to be simply representing a stock role or genre trope, gets their moment to be humanised. This is an impeccably cast ensemble of young unknowns who constantly surprise and the script is a marvel - a watertight structure without a beat out of place, callbacks and payoffs to throwaway gags circle back to be hugely important and most of all, the approach taken to sexuality and representation feels so natural. I really think it is destined to be looked back on and represent 2019 the way Heathers does ‘88, Clueless ‘95 or Easy A 2010. A new high benchmark for crowd pleasing, indie comedy - teen or otherwise.

4. Ad Astra

Brad Pitt is one of my favourite actors and one who, despite still being a huge A-lister even after 30 years in the game, never seems to get enough credit for the choices he makes, the movies he stars in and also the range of stories he helps produce through his company, Plan B. 2019 was something of a comeback year for Pitt as an actor with the insanely measured and controlled lead performance seen here in Ad Astra and the more charismatic and chaotic supporting role in Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood.

I love space movies, especially those that are more about broken people blasting themselves into the unknown to search for answers within themselves... which manages to sum up a lot of recent output in this weirdly specific sub-genre. First Man was a devastating look at grief characterised by a man who would rather go to a desolate rock than have to confront what he lost, all while being packaged as a heroic biopic with a stunning score. Gravity and The Martian both find their protagonists forced to rely on their own cunning and ingenuity to survive and Interstellar looked at the lengths we go to for those we love left behind. Smaller, arty character studies like High Life or Moon are also astounding. All of this is to say that Ad Astra takes these concepts and runs with them, challenging Pitt to cross the solar system to talk some sense into his long thought dead father (Tommy Lee Jones). But within all the ‘sad dad’ stuff, there’s another film in here just daring you to try and second guess it - one that kicks things off with a terrifying free fall from space, gives us a Mad Max style buggy chase on the moon and sidesteps into horror for one particular set-piece involving a rabid baboon in zero G! It manages to feel so completely nuts, so episodic in structure, that I understand why a lot of people were turned off - feeling that the overall film was too scattershot to land the drama or too pondering to have any fun with. I get the criticisms but for me, both elements worked in tandem, propelling Pitt on this (assumed) one way journey at a crazy pace whilst sitting back and languishing in the ‘bigger themes’ more associated with a Malik or Kubrick film. Something that Pitt can sell me on in his sleep by this point.

I loved the visuals from cinematographer Hoyte van Hoytema (Interstellar), loved the imagination and flair of the script from director James Gray and Ethan Gross and loved the score by Max Richter (with Lorne Balfe and Nils Frahm) but most of all, loved Pitt, proving that sometimes a lot less, is a lot more. The sting of hearing the one thing he surely knew (but hoped he wouldn’t) be destined to hear from his absent father, acted almost entirely in his eyes during a third act confrontation, summed up the movie’s brilliance for me - so much so that I can forgive some of the more outlandish ‘Mr Hyde’ moments of this thing’s alter ego... like, say, riding a piece of damaged hull like a surfboard through a meteor debris field! 

3. Avengers: Endgame

It’s no secret that I think Marvel, the MCU in particular, have been going from strength to strength in recent years, slowly but surely taking bigger risks with filmmakers (the bonkers Taika Waititi, the indie darlings of Ryan Coogler, Cate Shortland and Chloe Zhao) whilst also carefully crafting an entertaining, interconnected universe of characters and stories. But what is the point of building up any movie ‘universe’ if you’re not going to pay it off and Endgame is perhaps the strongest conclusion to eleven years of movie sequels that fans could have possibly hoped for.

Going into this thing, the hype was off the charts (and for good reason, with it now being the highest grossing film of all time) but I remember souring on the first entry of this two-parter, Infinity War, during the time between initial release and Endgame’s premiere. That film had a game-changing climax, killing off half the heroes (and indeed the universe’s population) and letting the credits role on the villain having achieved his ultimate goal. It was daring, especially for a mammoth summer blockbuster but obviously, we all knew the deaths would never be permanent, especially with so many already-announced sequels for now ‘dusted’ characters. However, it wasn’t just the feeling that everything would inevitably be alright in the end. For me, the characters themselves felt hugely under-serviced, with arguably the franchise’s main goody two shoes Captain America being little more than a beardy bloke who showed up to fight a little bit. Basically what I’m getting at is that I felt Endgame, perhaps emboldened by the giant runtime, managed to not only address these character slights but ALSO managed to deliver the most action packed, comic booky, ‘bashing your toys together’ final fight as well.

It’s a film of three parts, each pretty much broken up into one hour sections. There’s the genuinely new and interesting initial section following our heroes dealing with the fact that they lost... and it stuck. Thor angrily kills Thanos within the first fifteen minutes but it’s a meaningless action by this point - empty revenge. Cutting to five years later, we get to see how defeat has affected them, for better or worse, trying to come to terms with grief and acceptance. Cap tries to help the everyman, Black Widow is out leading an intergalactic mop up squad and Thor is wallowing in a depressive black hole. It’s a shocking and vibrantly compelling deconstruction of the whole superhero thing and it gives the actors some real meat to chew on, especially Robert Downy Jr here who goes from being utterly broken to fighting within himself to do the right thing despite now having a daughter he doesn’t want to lose too. Part two is the trip down memory lane, fan service-y time heist which is possibly the most fun section of any of these movies, paying tribute to the franchise’s past whilst teetering on a knife’s edge trying to pull off a genuine ‘mission impossible’. And then it explodes into the extended finale which pays everyone off, demonstrates some brilliantly imaginative action and sticks the landing better than it had any right to. In a year which saw the ending of a handful of massive geek properties, from Game of Thrones to Star Wars, it’s a miracle even one of them got it right at all. That Endgame managed to get it SO right is an extraordinary accomplishment and if anything, I think Marvel may have shot themselves in the foot as it’s hard to imagine anything they can give us in the future having the intense emotional weight and momentum of this huge finale.

2. Knives Out

Rian Johnson has been having a ball leaping into genre sandpits and stirring shit up, from his teen spin on noir in Brick to his quirky con man caper with The Brothers Bloom, his time travel thriller Looper and even his approach to the Star Wars mythos in The Last Jedi. Turning his attention to the relatively dead ‘whodunnit’ genre, Knives Out is a perfect example of how to celebrate everything that excites you about a genre whilst weaponizing it’s tropes against your audience’s baggage and preconceptions.

An impeccable cast have the time of their lives here, revelling in playing self obsessed narcissists who scramble to punt the blame around when the family’s patriarch, a successful crime novelist (Christopher Plummer), winds up dead. Of course there’s something fishy going on so Daniel Craig’s brilliantly dry southern detective Benoit Blanc is called in to investigate.There are plenty of standouts here, from Don Johnson’s ignorant alpha wannabe Richard to Michael Shannon’s ferocious eldest son Walt to Chris Evan’s sweater wearing jock Ransom, full of unchecked, white privilege swagger. But the surprise was the wholly sympathetic, meek, vomit prone Marta, played brilliantly by Ana de Armas, cast against her usual type of sultry bombshell (Knock Knock, Blade Runner 2049), to spearhead the biggest shake up of the genre conventions. To go into more detail would begin to tread into spoiler territory but by flipping the audience’s engagement with the detective, we’re suddenly on the receiving end of the scrutiny and the tension derived from this switcheroo is genius and opens up the second act of the story immensely.

The whole thing is so lovingly crafted and the script is one of the tightest I’ve seen in years. The amount of setup and payoff here is staggering and never not hugely satisfying, especially as it heads into it’s final stretch. It really gives you some hope that you could have such a dense, plotty, character driven idea for a story and that it could survive the transition from page to screen intact and for the finished product to work as well as it does. I really hope Johnson returns to tell another Benoit Blanc mystery and judging by the roaring box office success (currently over $200 million worldwide for a non IP original), I certainly believe he will.

1. Eighth Grade

My film of the year is another example of the power of cinema to put us in other people’s shoes and to discover the traits, fears, joys and insecurities that we all share irregardless. It may shock you to learn this but I have never been a 13 year old teenage girl trying to get by in the modern world of social media peer pressure and ‘influencer’ culture whilst crippled with personal anxiety. My school days almost literally could not have looked more different than this (less Instagram, more POGs) and yet, this is a film about struggling with oneself, with loneliness, with wanting more but not knowing how to get it without changing yourself and the careless way we treat those with our best interests at heart in our selfish attempt to impress peers and fit in. That is understandable. That is universal. And as I’m sure I’ve said a bunch of times in this list, movies that present the most specific worldview whilst tapping into universal themes are the ones that inevitably resonate the most.

Youtuber and comedian Bo Burnham has crafted an impeccable debut feature, somehow portraying a generation of teens at least a couple of generations below his own, with such laser focused insight and intimate detail. It’s no accident that this film has often been called a sort of social-horror, with cringe levels off the charts and recognisable trappings of anxiety and depression in every frame. The film’s style services this feeling at every turn, from it’s long takes and nauseous handheld camerawork to the sensory overload in it’s score (take a bow Anna Meredith) and the naturalistic performances from all involved. Burnham struck gold when he found Elsie Fisher, delivering the most painful and effortlessly real portrayal of a tweenager in crisis as Kayla. The way she glances around skittishly, the way she is completely lost in her phone, the way she talks, even the way she breathes all feeds into the illusion - the film is oftentimes less a studio style teen comedy and more a fly on the wall documentary. 

This is a film that could have coasted on being a distant, social media based cousin to more standard fare like Sex Drive or Superbad or even Easy A but it goes much deeper, unafraid to let you lower your guard and suddenly hit you with the most terrifying scene of casually attempted sexual aggression or let you watch this pure, kindhearted girl falter and question herself in ways she shouldn’t even have to worry about. And at it’s core, there is another beautiful father/daughter relationship, with Josh Hamilton stuck on the outside looking in, desperate to help Kayla with every fibre of his being but knowing there are certain things she has to figure out for herself. It absolutely had me and their scene around a backyard campfire is one of the year’s most touching.

This is a truly remarkable film that I think everyone should seek out but I’m especially excited for all the actual teenage girls who will get to watch this and feel seen. This isn’t about the popular kid, it isn’t about the dork who hangs out with his or her own band of misfits. This is about the true loner, that person trying everything to get noticed and still ending up invisible, that person trying to connect through the most disconnected means there is - the internet - and everything that comes with it. Learning that the version of yourself you ‘portray’ on a Youtube channel may act like they have all the answers but if you’re kidding yourself then how do you grow? 

When I saw this in the cinema, I watched a mother take her seat with her two daughters, aged probably at around nine and twelve. Possibly a touch young for this, I thought, and I admit I cringed a bit on their behalf during some very adult trailers but in the end, I’m glad their mum decided they were mature enough to see this because a) they had a total blast and b) life simply IS R rated for the most part, especially during our school years, and those girls being able to see someone like Kayla have her story told on the big screen felt like a huge win. I honestly can’t wait to see what Burnham or Fisher decide to do next. 2019 has absolutely been their year... and it’s been a hell of a year.

[steves-on-a-plane]

Cordonians On Set: Brothers, Actors & Allies.

Words: 3426  Pairing: Maxwell Beaumont x MC/Riley Brooks Timeline: The Royal Heir Book 2 Chapter 12 Summary: You and your friends are on the set of your husband’s big movie when you start to realize Maxwell’s made more than a few “minor” tweaks to the events. Mostly notably he’s made himself the star of nearly every scene. Your father-in-law Barthelemy isn't helping matters much either. Can you help smooth things out between the brother’s Beaumont and bring Maxwell’s head down from the clouds? Author’s Note: Basically I read Chapter 12 this weekend and was less that thrilled about it. (My MC is married to Maxwell.) So I tried to fix it. I know it’s a bit on the longer side for a one shot, but hopefully it’s worth the read. 

“Wow!” You gasped as you stepped out into the soundstage with the rest of your friends. It was the first day of shooting the movie based on Maxwell’s memoir and you’d all been granted access to watch the filming. The first set you’d been taken to was an impressively accurate recreation of the Cordonian Castle’s ballroom. You, Hanna, Drake and even Liam were stunned by the craftsmanship and detail that had gone into creating the set. Maxwell and Bertrand would have also been impressed if their attention hadn’t been captured by a familiar figure standing in the center of the faux ballroom. It was their father, Barthelemy Beaumont.

“Ah, King Liam, Duchess [Y/N]! My two sons!” Barthelemy greeted everyone with a practiced smile.

You adjusted your grip of the princess in your arms. It had become a bit of a nervous habit at this point to make sure that your daughter was snuggled close to you around people you didn’t trust. Sure, technically Barthelemy was family, but he didn’t quite feel it. You hadn’t mentioned this aloud to anyone but there was just something about your father-in-law that felt off to you. Maybe it was the fact that all of Cordonia had acted like he was dead until a few months ago. It might have been the way he always seemed treated Bertrand as if he were still a child.

“Father? What are you doing here?” Bertrand asked the question you really wanted an answer to yourself.

“I know I arrived a bit early,” Barthelemy sighed dramatically. “But the crew was very accommodating of Maxwell Beaumont’s father!” There it was again, that gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach. Barthelemy had name dropped Maxwell and didn’t seem the least bit apologetic. You wanted to call him out on it, but you looked at Maxwell who was positively elated that his father was there. You decided to take a page from Bertrand’s book and offered your father-in-law a stoic but slightly critical remark instead.

“I think he means what are you doing in LA.” You commented.

“I wanted to show my support to my sons!” You fought back the urge to scoff as he continued on. “To see the set of Maxwell’s movie firsthand and to offer my assistance to Bertrand once again. Whether that be with House Beaumont duties or lending a hand with Bartie. I still regret that you had to shoulder so much in my absence. This is a chance to make amends.”

“I assure you, I have everything well under control.” Bertrand replied coldly. It was the sort of calm displeased tone you were used to Bertrand using with you back when you were vying for King Liam’s hand. The tone that implied Bertrand was upset but willing to forge ahead.

“Are you certain?” His father frowned. “I would…” But Bertrand wasn’t hearing another word on the matter.

“I said I don’t need your help!” The Duke of Ramsford hissed indignantly. For anyone else it would have been upsetting enough to see them snap at their parent like that, but for Bertrand? It was practically shouting. It was worse than the time you almost used a dessert fork during the salad course.

“Well I…” Barthelemy took a beat to compose himself. Much like the rest of you, he wasn’t used to Bertrand lose his temper.

“Come on Dad, let me help you find a good seat!” Maxwell suggested. He guided his father away to a collection of chairs slightly offstage. You weren’t sure if Maxwell finally decided to intervene for his father’s benefit or his brothers. The others moved off to find their seats too. You reached out and touched Bertrand’s arm causing him to stop and look back at you.

“Bertrand, are you okay?” You questioned.

“Just as I told my father, I’m fine.” He grumbled. He was still irritated, but clearly not with you.

“Actually, what you told him was that you didn’t need his help. And honestly, you seem pretty not fine, to me.”

“Pardon me if I’m offended by my father following me to the far side of the earth to tell me that I can’t handle my affairs.” Bertrand cast a forlorn look in his father’s direction. You sympathized with Bertrand because you knew how import family and the legacy of House Beaumont were to him. All Bertrand had ever wanted was to build something that would make his father proud. And all Barthelemy did was criticize him. “Maxwell and I got along perfectly fine without him all this time.” He added still seething with anger.

“Maxwell seems pretty happy to have him here.” You said, not able to think of anything else to comfort him. You both watched as Maxwell sat next to his father and animatedly told the story about how he convinced you to come to Cordonia in the first place.

“He was rather young when our father got sick.” Bertrand recalled.

“Let’s let Maxwell and Barthelemy have their moment, they can sit up front together and we’ll sit in the back. We’ll blame it on Maxine. We can say that she should sit in the back so she doesn’t make too much noise. I’ll even let you hold your favorite niece slash Heir to the Cordonian Throne.”

“Very well.” Bertrand agreed. He held out his arms expectantly. You passed your daughter off to him the two of you claimed two open seats in the back row.

With everyone seated and the set cleared, the actors arrived and took their places. The first scene filmed was your debut at the masquerade ball. You watched as quietly as possible from behind the cameras. Truth be told you weren’t entirely interested in watching the filming. You all knew from the book reading awhile back that Maxwell had stretched the truth in some instances when it came to his novel and you certainly weren’t expecting the Hollywood adaptation to get much more factual. It also didn’t help that the actress cast to play you appeared to be a weirdly dedicated method actress with little regard for personal space. You’d mostly come to LA to support your husband and to meet the mysterious former Queen of Rivala.

While everyone else was focused on the actors in front of them, you were still thinking about Bertrand, Maxwell and Barthelemy. Things couldn’t go on much longer the way they’d been since Bertrand’s wedding. You wondered if Maxwell could sense the tension that Barthelemy had brought into the family by behaving the way he did; he must have. Maxwell was carefree and optimistic, but he wasn’t stupid. He had to know that on some level Barthelemy was toxic. After all wasn’t he part of the reason House Beaumont had needed Bertrand’s saving in the first place?

“That’s it?” You heard Bertrand remark suddenly. “Aren’t I in this scene?” He asked, looking directly at the back of Maxwell’s head. Maxwell turned and looked back at his brother.

“Well, you weren’t actually there when [Y/N] was introduced at court.” He reminded his brother.

“No.” Bertrand frowned. “That can’t be true. I wouldn’t have missed such an occasion.”

“I’m afraid it is.” You told Bertrand regrettably. “I didn’t even meet you until after the Masquerade was almost over and then you, Max and I all went to bed early. Our first real conversation was the next morning in the car ride to the Derby.”

“I remember now.” Bertrand sighed. “I was working on House finances that evening.”

“Don’t worry.” Maxwell smiled. “I’m sure you’re in some scenes coming up later.” Maxwell turned back around while the director ordered everyone to reset and shoot the scene again. As if she could sense her Uncle’s discomfort, little Maxine reached out and wrapped her had around one of Bertrand’s fingers. For a minute at least, this managed to crack through his mask and Bertrand smirked. He wrapped the rest of his fingers around her tiny hand.

As the day went on the filming moved to shoot the night of Anton Severus’s attack. The same night you were officially recognized as the Duchess of Valtoria. The scene started out much the same as everyone remembered. The actors were placed around the ballroom set all listening to the actor who portrayed King Liam give a rousing speech and welcome you as Cordonia’s newest Duchess. The creative liberties started when the Maxwell character stepped forward to thank Liam instead of you. It felt out of place because, well why on earth would Maxwell be giving a thank you speech in that moment?

Then the lights on the set flicked off before turning back on. There was a loud pop. The Drake character had a line about there being “More fancy fireworks for the fancy party.” And then the Maxwell character was ordering the guards to usher King Liam to safety. He had a corny line about it being “time to unleash the kraken!” before confronting an extra who pointed a gun in his direction. The Drake character then sprinted in out of nowhere and knocked Maxwell to the ground. You didn’t pay attention to what happened next. You looked away from the train wreck of a scene until the director called out for everyone to take a break.

“That was just how I envisioned it when I was writing this scene!” The real Maxwell announced proudly.

“Maxwell, that’s not at all what happened.” You told him. “I knew you made a few minor tweaks here and there in the story but you kind of made everything about you.” Maxwell seemed to take what you said to heart. He looked at the set and back at you. Maybe he had changed things too much.

“I thought it was very heroic!” Barthelemy announced. You wanted to comment that no one had asked what he thought, but you remembered Bertrand seated next to you. You imagined what advice he might give you and, in your head, you recalled Bertrand’s best lecturing voice.

“You’re not just a scrappy waitress from New York, Lady [Y/N]! You’re a Duchess. The Duchess of Valtoria, and a Duchess can’t be seen shouting and ranting to her Father-In-Law on some backlot in the middle of Los Angeles.”

So, you let the subject drop for the moment. There would be plenty of time for you to speak to Maxwell later when the two of you were alone in your hotel room. The director motioned for everyone to follow him to the next set so that production could continue. As Maxwell and Barthelemy lead the charge to the new set, you and Bertrand wandered slightly behind everyone else. Hana hung back too. She had been reading the troubled expressions on your face since the last scene.

“I heard the director say that the next scene is the Beaumont Bash.” She told you. “I’m sure there’s not much Maxwell could have changed there. I remember it being a pretty crazy party.”

“Ah yes, that’s when I was first introduced to the Champagne Sword Trick.” You recalled fondly. “Or as it’s better known now, the champagne and the closest weapon to Maxwell trick. I guess it will be fun to see the actors attempt that.”

“Yeah.” Hana nodded with a smile. “Plus, Bertrand I remember you being there that night, so you’ll finally see your character in action!”

“Thank you for reminding me, Lady Hana.” Bertrand smirked. “I do seem to remember having a lot of fun that night.”

“How about you let me hold Maxine for this one?” She offered. “Then the two of you can sit upfront next to Maxwell.”

Bertrand was less enthusiastic about being in close proximity to Barthelemy again, but he did want a good view of the Beaumont Bash. You were also not happy about being near him again, your urge to call him out on his behavior was still strong. However, you let Hana take Maxine and float off to the back row of chairs. You sat next to Maxwell who was taking to his father about what a fantastic success the Beaumont Bash had been that year. Bertrand sat on your other side and quietly commented what a good job the set designers had done.

“It almost feels like home.” He whispered to you.

You agreed that the set was yet another remarkable recreation, this time of the Ramsford Estate. As the filming begins the actors playing you and Maxwell were positioned at the top of the staircase. When the director called “Action!” Your character welcomed everyone to the Beaumont Bash. While the Maxwell character leapt up onto the banister. He shouted his own line of welcome before effortlessly sliding down the bannister and uncorking a bottle of champagne with a sword. It seemed more dramatic and coordinated than anything the real Maxwell could do, but that was the magic of the movies.

As champagne spilled from the bottle in the Maxwell character’s hands, horses were led onto the set with acrobats riding atop them. Some background music began to play and extras dressed as waiters and servants walked the set with trays of drinks and Hors d'oeuvres. The cameras gather footage of all the actors mingling and partying before a door onset opens. A new actor you haven’t met yet steps into frame with a scowl on his face.

“Did I miss the sabering of the champagne?” The actor sighed. “Not for the third year in a row.” The actor looked dramatically into a nearby camera as it wheeled in for a close-up. “If only my dukely duties didn’t keep me so indisposed. I hardly have time for anyone or anything of late.”

It didn’t register with you at first, but this actor was meant to be portraying Bertrand. He wasn’t by any means a bad actor, but they way he’d been written was awful. This version of Bertrand almost felt like he’d been written as a parody, a joke.  You wanted answers from Maxwell and you wanted to comfort Bertrand, but you couldn’t take your eyes off the set when the Bertrand character uttered his next line.

“I wish I could be as fun and carefree as my wonderful younger brother, Maxwell.” The camera held on the Bertrand character moping for a few more seconds before the director ended the scene. He ordered everyone to take their lunch, promising they would return to the scene again after the break. While the actors and crew dispersed around you, it seemed the real Bertrand couldn’t hold his tongue any longer.

“Maxwell is that really how you see me?” He asked his brother looking genuinely hurt. “As some sort of fun deprived sad sack?”  

“What?” Maxwell looked shocked, as if he hadn’t predicted this reaction from him at all. “It’s just…you weren’t there for some things. Liam’s bachelor party, a lot of [Y/N]’s debut, a lot of Bartie’s first…”

“Is this meant to be comforting?” Bertrand huffed.

“Yeah.” Maxwell struggled. “I mean you had House Beaumont stuff to do. I get it. And I’m sure Bartie and Savanah get it.” That was when you decided to step in.

“Maxwell, I don’t think you’re being fair to Bertrand.” You told him. “He didn’t willingly miss any part of Bartie’s life. In fact you and Savanah decided on your own to keep Bartie a secret for so long so it’s hardly fair to throw that back in his face now.”

“I wasn’t trying too…” Maxwell started to say but he could tell that you weren’t finished.

“I’ve been trying to keep quiet today because I wanted to make sure that today was about you, but you made sure of that on your own.” You said. “Not including your brother in events that he wasn’t there is fine. What’s not fine is rewriting everyone else’s lives to make yourself out to be the hero in every single situation. Drake didn’t run across a ballroom to take a bullet for you so that you looked like some big action star. He jumped in front of gun for me because he happened to be the closest person and I was in real danger. Bertrand didn’t mope around and complain through the entire Beaumont Bash either! I remember him laughing and having fun with us.”

“Now, [Y/N] I think…” Barthelemy tried to jump in.

“I think I wasn’t talking to you.” You huffed, not looking away from Maxwell. “Maxwell, your brother has always supported you. Think of all the times he thought you’d wasted family money on things like Jet skis. Lesser people might had kicked you out or cut you off, but Bertrand never did that. Instead he worked harder to manage the house. He sacrificed so many things for himself to keep you happy and to keep House Beaumont in good standing. He has stood by every questionable decision you’ve made since I’ve known you. He stood by you when you told him you brough back a New York waitress as the hopeful future queen. He stood by you when you then told him that you fell in love with said waitress and she was no longer going to marry the King.” You breathed out and sucked in another deep breath. You hadn’t expected so many words to come flowing out of your mouth.

“And lastly, I love you Maxwell. I love that you’re a carefree, optimistic, lovable guy. You don’t need to invent some other version of you where you’re a suave action hero just to impress people. The people closest to you already love you just the way that you are. So I don’t care what you have to do, I’ll pay for the re-writes myself if I have to, but you fix this script so that we all get to see the Maxwell and Bertrand Beaumont that we know and love. Because the rest of the world deserves to see who you really are too.”

“Well, that was certainly some speech, [Y/N]. I had no idea my daughter in law was such a peacemaker.” Barthelemy said. You couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

“Maxwell and Bertrand are my family.” You told him, your tone just a hint icy.

“I’m going to check on Hana and Maxine.” Maxwell decided. He placed a gently kiss on your forehead before adding, after that I’m going to talk to the writers and see what we can do about the script. With Maxwell gone Barthelemy mumbled something about joining the others for lunch. You were about to do the same when Bertrand called out to you.

“[Y/N] wait,” You turned back to him. Bertrand’s expression was blank and unreadable. “Thank you, for speaking with Maxwell.”

“Bertrand, I know you don’t need me to defend you.” You added. “But I also know from your courtship with Savanah that sometimes you’re not the best at articulating your feelings. I’ve been boiling about Maxwell’s behavior all day and I was going to wait until we were back in our hotel room to say something but that last scene…it sent me over the edge for some reason. You worked hard and took care of Maxwell most of his life. He should give you more credit.”

“Be that as it may, perhaps it’s time to admit that I have taken on too much between Duchy Ramsford, my family and my duties to the crown.” Bertrand explained.

“Bertrand, I know I didn’t grow up in Cordonia and I don’t know every apple related historical moment,” You smirked. “But I’ve seen quite a bit of recent history and I know that you single handedly pulled House Beaumont and your Duchy from the brink of financial ruin. No other Cordonian is as dedicated to their Kingdom and if anyone can juggle a family and a Duchy it’s you. But it is okay to ask for help sometimes too. Asking for help isn’t admitting defeat. It’s adding in allies to the battle.”

“How could I ever be defeated with the great Duchess [Y/N] Beaumont of Valtoria, formerly New York, as my ally?” Bertrand questioned.

“Exactly.” You smiled.

“For the record, [Y/N], I am eternally pleased that you chose to marry Maxwell.” Bertrand confessed. “While I am glad to have you as an ally on the battlefield, I’m much happier to call you my sister.”

“Right back at you. I meant what I said Bertrand, you’re family and I’m happy to help you in any way I can.” You assured him. “Now I have an important question for you, what is the royal protocol for eating with plastic utensils?”

[brotundsalz]

Call Me by Your Name: Is it better to speak or to die?

Original text by Hristiana Hinova

Illustration: elysieeh

A ten-minute ovation follows the film’s screening at Sundance. Director Luca Guadagnino opens Twitter and reads about people jumping and dancing on the streets after having seen his film. It is one of those rarely made films which produce an incredible sense of euphoria that lasts for months to come. Last year that place was held by American Honey. Both films are a spectacle for the senses—gentle monsters whose visuals are electrifying and the feeling they leave behind is truly truer than the truth we witness every day. Call Me by Your Name is a film about Love, the kind that turns life into an event, and emitting such an emotional charge life itself becomes an event. 

The 24-year-old American student Oliver is completing an internship at professor Perlman’s (his Jewish-American archeology professor with French and Italian roots; played by Michael Schulber, whose Oscar nomination hopefully becomes a fact soon) villa in the north of Italy. The atmosphere of the house is idyllic. The Perlmans are a dream family—highly educated, beautiful people who speak freely about philosophy, history and linguistics and kiss and hug whenever they pass each other on the corridors of the house. Elio, the professor’s son (an impressive debut starring Timothée Chalamet) is a 17-year-old spiritual and talented boy; he spends his days studying classical music, reading books, cycling and going out to bars in the evenings. 

Call Me by Your Name starts straight off with the conflicting event: Oliver's arrival. Oliver is an imposingly handsome and confident guy; the ancient Greeks have a word for it—kalokagathia: a Platonic ideal consisting of the harmonious combination of bodily, moral and spiritual virtues. During the first few minutes of the film, he is the object of adoration by every one of the characters (apart from the Perlmans, there are also minor characters, the most prominent of who is Elio's girlfriend, the French Marcia, played by Esther Garrel).

What happens next is magic: Elio's love for Oliver goes through several recognisable stages, which are translated on screen with a masterful ease of the camera: it glides among the characters effortlessly, like a puff of wind. (Behind the camera was Thai Sayombhu Mukdeeprom, who has also worked with Apichatpong Weerasethakul on the dreamy, mysterious and visually perfect Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives, awarded with the Golden Palm at the 2010 Cannes Film Festival.) Director Luca Guadagnino had the following to say in this regard: "We had a Buddhist behind the lens. And you can see it in every frame." 

In order to convey my thoughts in a more organised way, I will divide the text into 5 parts. These 5 parts correspond to the 5 states of mind the main character Elio goes through during the 3 weeks in which the love between him and Oliver develops. This is an attempt to decode the power of the film, which I believe is rooted in the absolutely brilliant journey through the universal emotions of love. Call Me by Your Name wonderfully visualises the inner world of a person in love and the most elated, most intense states of mind that his enchanted soul can go through. I will include a few quotes from Roland Barthes’ A Lover's Discourse: Fragments which to me is the most poetic and refined translation of the love emotion into words. Not to show off but to present you the pleasure that is Barthes’ work. This film is the same kind of translation, slightly more accessible—but no less subtle and emotional.

For at least a year I hadn’t seen a love story that could move me so much with its genuineness. One of the best qualities of the film is its script: it lacks an antagonist and a conflict. According to textbooks, this is not how you write a script. It is risky—some might say even wrong. Since it doesn’t have the stereotypical Romeo and Julietesque problem where an external force interferes with the love of the two, nor is there a serious hesitation in some of the characters. Nobody dies. Nobody is less fortunate than the other, no one is whiter or darker than the other. We witness two people fall in love and thus create paradise, and—trust me—this is one of the most exciting stories to tell.

Desire This is the third and final instalment in Luca Guadagnino's thematic "Desire Trilogy”. The previous two being I Am Love (2009) and A Bigger Splash (2015). According to the director, the first one is a tragedy, the second—a farce, and the third one—a dream. While in both previous films there is some tragicomic element which works as a warning following the desire, Call Me by Your Name does not have one. Here, loving does not lead to anything bad. The pain after the loss is not harmful.

The film starts off with a half-naked Elio who must quickly vacate his room for it is to be occupied by the guest Oliver. Elio’s house is a spacious and cozy one (with doors open all the time and delicious meals being prepared in the kitchen); whichever room you enter, it is full with books you can read under the huge windows that let in the generous afternoon sun. Everyday life is a wasteful delight. The viewer sees this and sinks into his seat light-headed, dreaming of a similar life. Call Me by Your Name manages to strike a chord in us that is rarely touched; the melancholy for a paradise not yet lived, one ripen by the caress of the graceful nature, kissed by the sky, hidden from the dusty, sore city eye.

The sexual desire is not stated immediately. The scene in which Elio and Oliver meet for the first time, for example, is filmed in a rather unconventional way for this type of narrative. Typically, love at first sight is alluded at by showing the reaction of the main character, the one who is to fall in love first, in a medium shot or a close-up. Here, however, the scene is as follows: through a half-open door Elio and Oliver shake hands. Elio is showing us his back. On Oliver’s face we can read a polite smile tired from the long ride. BAM! Nothing special. No escalating music, nor an entertaining frame. Simple.

There is a reason for this. The story is based on a novel (written by André Aciman and adapted by James Avery). The novel is told in the first person, from Elio’s perspective. Therefore, by default, this is a story that comes from the inner world of the main character, ie. we would expect less eventful and more reflective storytelling. The director wanted to keep it as is in the book and translate it on screen. Hence, Elio’s ’slow’ falling in love (expressed at a later stage in the film with the regretful words: "We wasted so much time"). The ‘slow’ in question is really nothing more than a developing character, a man who grows before the eyes of the viewer, a man who loves and is loved for the first time.

Elio’s desire for Oliver is shown with his long glances directed at Oliver from the distance: Elio watches from his widow how the object of his desire walks, goes for a bike ride, dances, hugs and kisses a woman. Elio experiences a moment of frustration: on the one hand, he knows what is going on inside him, but his body doesn’t know how to react. The boy seems to be overcome by a fever. This is why when Oliver touches him for the first time to massage his shoulder, Elio pulls himself to the side confused. Desire causes ambivalence: often, instead of pulling us towards the object of our desire, it pushes us away from it; and this reaction is a defence mechanism: “Do not enter the beast’s mouth, because there is no way out.”

Elio falls in love with Oliver also through the eyes of others. He knows that this is a man who his father, the professor, likes and respects. This is also a body that others talk about; watching him play volleyball, the girls whisper to one another that he is “more handsome than the guy from last year.” This is what Roland Barthes has to say on the subject: 

The body which will be loved is in advance selected and manipulated by the lens, subjected to a kind of zoom effect which magnifies it, brings it closer, and leads the subject to press his nose to the glass: is it not the scintillating object which a skilful hand causes to shimmer before me and will hypnotise me, capture me? This “affective contagion,” this induction, proceeds from others, from the language, from books, from friends: no love is original. (Mass culture is a machine for showing desire: here is what must interest you, it says, as if it guessed that men are incapable of finding what to desire by themselves.) The difficulty of the amorous project is in this: “Just show me whom to desire, but then get out of the way!”

Anxiety When we cannot own something, we become obsessed with a fragment of it. After Elio becomes aware that he is in love with Oliver, he starts missing him. Oliver grabs his bike and disappears for a whole day. Elio is alone in the house. He goes back to his room and examines the beast’s dwelling. This is his very room, but changed forever—soaked in the presence of the one who is absent now. There are one or two marvellous shots where the camera focuses on Oliver’s swimming shorts hanging from the faucets in the bathroom. Elio grabs a pair of them, lies down on his bed and thrusts his head inside. This is the only thing he can possess. Just a fragment, and it isn’t even from Oliver’s real body. It upsets and scares him, but at the same time brings him incomparable pleasure. When else is pleasure confusing? Love is maddening: it tears you away from your own self and hands you over into the possession of something abstract like a Thought, Scent or Idea. Elio is lost in the labyrinth of the Other. And for the first time we can hear Sufjan Stevens’ amazing music in a moment of culminating anxiety. It is an exceptional scene: Elio’s face is blurred and it seems as though a film reel is passing through it. Elio is not a part of his own life—he is a projection of the collective, centuries old face of the One in Love: the one who has fallen victim to a spell. 

The following scene: Elio is together with his parents and the three of them are sitting on a couch. He is resting his head on his mother’s lap. She is reading to them the story of a princess and a knight from some French romance; the knight is so much in love with the princess that he doesn’t know what to do about it. The horror that he experiences in regard to his feelings escalates in the lines: “Is it better to speak or to die?” This startles Elio, who realises that his choice is indeed ultimate. The scene represents a key dramatic situation. The one in love is faced with a moat: on the one side stands he himself, like a boy, bent with a frightened look over the abyss, on the other side stands a tall, noble man. Can he overcome the moat?

Heroism According to Joseph Campbell, in every story with a prominent protagonist there is a moment of initiation, i.e. the moment in which the boy takes on a challenge and thus embarks on a path towards maturity. For Harry Potter, for example, this is his departure to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. In our Bulgarian folklore, on the other hand, the hero kills the three-headed snake which usually brings him great fame and the love of the greatest beauty. 

What does Elio do to become a man?

Elio decides to speak. In spite of all the horror this action brings – putting yourself in a weak position, risking being misunderstood and humiliated, Elio exhibits courage and decides to confess. Courage, because confession is self-assertion and this is one of the manliest things to do: “I am here and this is how I feel. How about you?" As all the readers probably know, telling someone that you love them without knowing how they will respond to your feelings is a hard and painful thing to do. It can cost a lot of nerves, especially if one was brought up in the spirit of high classical values.

And Elio speaks. God, how good this scene is. I may even like it more than the last 10 minutes of the film. The scene is brilliantly conceived and filmed: Elio and Oliver are walking on the opposite sides of a monument commemorating the victims of the First World War. They are talking about history and Oliver is surprised by Elio’s vast knowledge. Then Elio, having gathered up the courage, says that he knows nothing. At least not about the things that matter. “What things that matter?” demands Oliver. “You know what things,” replies Elio after a thoughtful pause. He tells him everything by not telling him anything. Between them lies history – the stone monument, a symbol of suffering and heroism – and inside of them rages an equally important event: the Conversation.

Unity The fourth part of Call Me by Your Name shows the real relationship of the two after love has been established as a fact. It feels the longest. And this is how it is supposed to be, bearing in mind that this is a romantic film that is not specified by the genre restriction of either comedy or drama. The title of the film refers to exactly this part. Call me by your name are the words which Oliver gifts Elio and which actually carry all the charge of their relationship: true merging is when you don't differentiate yourself from the other, being so much in love that you’re sinking into the other. This is the moment of culmination: you are one with your Desire and your Desire is one with you. There is no conflict nor drama. The world is just a prolonged touch. Everything is simple and the pleasure is inexhaustible. A quote from A Lover's Discourse: Fragments:

Definition of the total union: that is “the one and only pleasure” (according to Aristotle), “joy without blemish and without impurity, the perfection of dreams, the limit of all hopes” (Ibn Hazm), “the divine splendor” (Novalis), this is: the inseparable peace. (…)

Dream of total union: everyone says this dream is impossible, and yet it persists. I do not abandon it. "On the Athenian steles, instead of the heroicization of death, scenes of farewell in which one of the spouses takes leave of the other, hand in hand, at the end of a contract which only a third force can break, thus it is mourning which achieves its expression here . . . I am no longer myself without you." It is in represented mourning that we find the proof of my dream; I can believe in it, since it is mortal (the only impossible thing is immortality). SYMPOSIUM: Quotation from the Iliad, Book X.FRANÇOIS WAHL: "Chute.”

Conclusion The fifth and last part, the one when Oliver leaves, has an almost instructive function. The father has the role of a sage, a teacher (figuratively and literally). He is supposed to evaluate the situation and interpret its meaning. He is the one who has studied art and the human nature throughout the centuries, the way in which humanity asserts itself. And yet, he is the man who admits that he has never been so close to the perfection of human relationships as his 17-year-old son has. The father’s revelation is striking: in the absence of love, one wears out. In the absence of courage to love, one withers away. Once again, this brilliant monologue deserves an Oscar nomination.

There are films that are magical. Do not doubt that Call Me by Your Name is one of them. And to put out the swollen pathos, I will tell you that the peach scene has been tested (in real life) both by Luca and by Timothée Chalamet. Seems like one can have fun in the most unexpected places!

[soundofseventeen]

Kissing in Cars (Wen Junhui)

Happy New Year my loves! I’m kicking off the year with this Jun thing bc he hasn’t let me work on anything else besides this. This is one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite bands. Enjoy! (I don’t own the gifs!) -Bee

The warm sunlight peeking through the curtains made Junhui hide under the blankets, making him afraid to open his eyes. He could feel the dip on the other side of the bed, and if he stretched his arm, he knew he’d someone on the other side. Common sense told him he knew who it was, but the folly part made him fearful. If he kept his eyes shut, then maybe he could pretend just a little bit longer. It soon became too much for him, the warmth of the blanket suffocating him so he found himself on his side, sleepily admiring the very person in a peaceful slumber. He knew that since the first time he saw you, he’d seen love and the last he’d ever need. Tentatively, he reached over to brush the hair from your face, almost certain if he were to touch you, you’d disappear. He retracted his hand at the last moment, not trusting the feeling of being too good to be true.

The familiarity of your room comforted him though. He liked that despite the fact so much had changed in so little time, that this little space stayed exactly the same. He used to tease you often about you being a person of habit but in this moment, he could understand your point of view. He zeroed in on the wooden picture frame on his side, smiling at the photo it held. You weren’t even dating him at the time, but Mingyu swore up and down, you’d fallen in love that day, what with the way he had captured the candid moment of predebut Junhui tickling your nose a leaf still attached to a twig and you pulling your head as far from him as he could. He lightly traced the Jun loves his angel before he set it gently back in place. A similar picture of you touching his heart with his hand over yours on that same day stayed in his wallet over the years.

He sighed quietly, eyes closing involuntarily as he rolled back on his back, his mind swirling between his fuckups and good times with you. Despite only knowing you since his days as a trainee, there was a lifetime of secrets you shared during that time, from the most humdrum of them like who ate the last slice of pizza to the most intense like running into a human only to have them disappear before an apology could be made, there could’ve been a novel and sequel (trilogy, maybe a series?) He thought back to the early days when he was too tired to even hold his head up and you were there to make sure he was okay. (“Why do you always call me angel?”

“Because not only do you take care of me, I can’t remember the last time the world looked so bright.”

“Stop being so cheesy.”

He grinned. “Then stop responding to angel.”

It never happened; you responded to that nickname like as if he’d call you babe.)

The nights he stayed at Pledis, his dark thoughts plaguing his mind of not living up to the standards of a kpop group and failing before he could even begin, you were there to comfort not only him but everyone, assuring them that the word could use a group like them. He created his favorite running joke to date with you by taking your hand and gently placing it on his heart explaining, “You keep my heart warm...angel,” followed by a wink and a slight shiver to prove his point.

Even upon debuting and exceeding expectations, his heart would pound nervously at hearing a rumor that’d threaten to leave a dark mark on the Seventeen label. He learned shortly after One Fine Day: 13 Castaway Boys that maybe he’d like to test the waters with you, but he was impressed with the fact that you beat him to the confession and thus the beautiful relationship to date officially commenced...well, it did once he managed to convince 12 other boys to each buy you a bouquet of flowers and had you pick out the artificial rose and gave you the oh so cheesy, “I’ll love you until the last flower dies,” line.

(“They’re a little young though, aren’t they, Hyung?” While Minghao meant that rhetorically, he couldn’t help but scoff at that. He was happy for them, but he was skeptical about the ordeal and if they could even survive it.

“Hence young love,” Soonyoung had sighed at the sight of you trying not to cry from his friend’s gesture. It didn’t keep him from dabbing his own eyes with the sleeve of his flannel. “Everyone deserves to experience it. It’s a beautiful thing.”

And with his idea of throwing the remnants of the floral designs around them came a mild case of sinusitis and multiple trips to the supermarket for over the counter medication for that.)

The early months of your (public) relationship contained a lot of dates to bakeries in an attempt to find the perfect cake pop to go with the perfect iced coffee he swore he found on Main Street and pouting when you’d tell him the combination wasn’t it and days at the studio where he flat out refused to hang up on you even though you were both busy. (He protested that he liked hearing you talk even if it wasn’t directly at him.) He met your friends almost right away and he was nothing if he wasn’t a little smug that they were tongue-tied at the sight of him even as time wore on. (“I’m confident in how I look. It’s not my fault if they find me attractive and I can’t do anything about it. I guess my angel has competition.” A shrug.) He fueled your love of plushies with buying more of them and respectively naming them after the boys and other kpop artists that had a similar personality. His favorite pastime became driving in the rain with the windows partially open and the heater off so you could watch the way the temperature dropped inside and see your breath. (“It’s proof that I know this is all real and not a dream. I...know that what I do is a dream too, but this…this is a different kind of dream. You are my angel.”)

Though the honeymoon stage never wore off completely, once you could wrap your head around the fact that Wen Junhui was your boyfriend and not just a friend, the relationship took a more comfortable and understanding approach. Because he was an idol, you learned really quickly that he couldn’t be there 24/7, especially when he was in a different country and sometimes separated from everyone except Minghao to cover some formalities with their homeland, so you got through those times with texts and pictures to fill each other in on. You surprised him many a time when he came back from Seoul, not at the airport but with milestones you accomplished while he was gone (a new job, a promotion at it, buying the apartment you currently lived in), and all he did was take you in his arms and smile because he was always so proud of you. Always his biggest supporter, you preordered anything you could and much to his dismay, hung up the album posters where it best suited them like one covering the door in your room. (“Hey angel?”

“Yeah?”

“Is that Joshua hyung on the back door?”

“Yeah! This era looks really good on everyone and I have no complaints about Teen, Age Joshua being the first thing I see.”

The two things that came out of this was that Junhui broke into your house and decorated your walls with posters of him from each era and photo shoots and the other that he became a human cocoon and did not let you go near the boys for three days, but remained skeptical of Joshua. “For the last time, he isn’t my bias.”

“Are you ever gonna tell me?”

“Not likely.”

“What if I die and the only way to save me is by telling me your bias?”

You pretended to think about it. “Then you die.”)

Junhui loved traveling the world because he loved bringing you things back from his trips whether it be a seashell or a postcard or even some knock off Finding Nemo stuffed fish he won at a carnival somewhere in Texas the first time he visited the United States. During a planned trip with your friends to New York, he dropped a not so subtle cover on YouTube that left you both embarrassed and touched and an impish smile from him when you Skyped him that night. He never forgot an anniversary, birthday or inconsequential event, (thanks to him not only putting it in his calendar but also taking the liberty of doing it to yours and everyone in Seventeen. Seungcheol scolded him about it once. You, on the other hand, were lucky to remember the days of the week. He poked fun at you, but he knew your mind was messy, complete with open, unused tabs and once cracked a joke he could hear the elevator music coming from inside), so while he couldn’t be there to celebrate, he reminded you that his future would be nothing without you. He loved you and adored your friends and he knew you were the one. (“There’s no future without you Angel.”)

Good times came to an end as the demand of Seventeen’s success rose and soon, there was hardly time for a date or even an outing with everyone. More comebacks were arranged as soon as they came back, worldwide recognition put them under scrutiny and there left no room to breathe. He remembered how he called you from Pledis that he arrived to work one morning and by the afternoon on that same day, he was in Pledis’s headquarters in Japan. That same year he found himself all over Asia and even back in the United States for a second KCon appearance and all he could do was hope you weren’t asleep when he called you. The fights and arguments were few and far between and while he was grateful for that, he was frustrated too. (“You said you were okay with this! You knew what you were getting into! As much as I want to, I can’t control my work Y/N!”)

You had unfortunately entered the part of the relationship where if the sasaengs or jealous fans didn’t tear you apart, then the distance, time zones, and hectic schedules would. Junhui started realizing this early on. He’d seen what dating in the industry could do and he wasn’t about to experience that firsthand. So he did the hardest thing he could ever do. A few days after he had gotten home, he surprised you by telling you to get ready and bring a plush with you and he took you out for dinner, where it felt like old times again. He took you home after that, trying to prolong the inevitable. He braced himself for the conversation ahead, making sure you had your plush out and stuttered the words out once he was in the parking lot. He choked a lot, the air thinning around him. He loved you more than words could say, but he didn’t want your relationship to end up becoming a chore and breaking up and hating each other. He watched you squeeze the plush a few times, and when he gently touched your hands, you bolted from the car, and he watched you run to your door, not caring it was raining or that you had forgotten your sweater with him. He waited until you were inside so he could call your friends. (“Guys, I just did the hardest thing in my life. I’m sorry. Can you come to Y/N’s place? She’ll explain it but I’m sorry. I had to do this. Make sure she’s okay. Check under the pantry in the for a box. It has the Trolls movie, a bag of hi-chews and her favorite plush and a few other things. I’m sorry. Tell her that.”)

The aftermath of that resulted in overworking and straining himself to block out the heartbreak, which left him near dehydration a lot of the time. He didn’t talk about it, but word of mouth from your friends and his condition left the other members to draw the conclusion on their own. Knowing his Carats were observant, he worked day and night on a song he couldn’t believe he was able to create from thin air and released it, (and poor timing at that, since they were working on “Getting Closer” at the same time), guiltily deceiving them that everything was alright between you and him. His punishment? An acute case of laryngitis that required bed rest and Seungcheol (along with the help of Jeonghan and Joshua) during that time fought for some time off not only for him, but for the entire group so while everyone vacationed somewhere in Japan, he was bedridden in Seoul for a week and even then, wasn’t allowed to go join them until he was right in his head. (“We need you to be okay Junnie. You won’t talk to us about it and I think you wanna figure this out by yourself since you won’t let us in,” Hansol had told him when Jun had asked for details.)

He didn’t know how much time had passed by or when this “vacation” would end. He spent day in and day out, wandering the ghost towns of Seoul in hopes of finding something to heal him. It seemed the universe had something in mind since it’s how he found you.

It was a rainy evening and you were shielding your groceries and he stopped in front of you. You had freaked out and dropped everything and he would have laughed if you didn’t look like you were about to cry and you were about to turn away, but Junhui wasn’t about to let that happen. He couldn’t convince you to get in the car with him, so he walked with you on foot, and after aimless direction and mostly one-sided conversation, he managed to get you back in the car, sopping wet nonetheless, and offered to take you out to dinner, which you refused. Not taking no for an answer, he stopped by a drive-thru, ordered some burgers and drove until he stopped at a park. He offered you a burger again, and you accepted it. It was quiet, with nothing but his playlist filling the tense atmosphere. He remembered you rolling the window down, letting the mist fall and eventually, it was cold enough to see your breath. He called your name softly, and when he saw you, cold lips met and the warmth he’d been missing flooded his body. The question for a second chance was hot on his tongue when a rap on the foggy window chased it away.

Local law enforcement wanting to know what they were doing out at this time and left you with a warning, the flashing lights disappearing behind them. (“Enough with the games Jun. Just take me home.”) He felt that the future was a few heartbeats away from disaster.

“It can’t work out,” you told him a few minutes after getting home. You were both in front of his car, not seeming to care that you could get sick from the rain pelting you. “You told me so.I know you and the look on your face.” You were grateful for the droplets falling from your face could be mistaken for the rain.

“I know and I’m sorry. But I didn’t wanna lose you. I still don’t.” And then he was momentarily angry. “If you didn’t wanna finish it either, you could’ve told me and we could’ve worked something out!”

“No, you left and told my friends to look after me!”

“What more could I do?! I wasn’t about to let you be by yourself and try to figure it out!” Like he did. “Listen I know everyone said we fell in love too young. I don’t think we did. I still don’t. If you don’t think so either...tell me now. Tell me we can work through this.” He saw the last few rays of the day turn into night, and he held his breath, waiting for an answer he might not get. The rain didn’t cease as he stepped closer to you, his hand on your shoulder. “Y/N?” No answer. “Y/N, look at me.”

“...Yeah?” You couldn’t look at him. Any will power you were holding would’ve dissipated.

“I’m sorry. For everything. I should’ve considered your feelings too.” He sighed. “I’m sorry I sent your friends when you probably wanted to be alone.”

“They don’t even hate you for anything. Do you know fucked up this makes everything?”

“I-“

“You hurt me; you hurt yourself, and you told them where to find the bad day box and leave. I know we didn’t have the easiest relationship but how’d you make it seem like it was? How did you manage to convince them of that?”

“You were my favorite. There’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for you. I made sure they knew that. They didn’t talk to me for a few weeks, but I couldn’t blame them. I hurt the love of their lives and mine.” He smiled sadly. “And we were friends before all of this. I know it’s easy to forget that.”

“You couldn’t have come to me?”

“I couldn’t. You would’ve left me outside the whole night.”

You laughed, preferring to not incriminate yourself. “How exactly would you know how I feel?”

“Right now, you’re not sure if you want me to leave.”

“No.”

“I know if I walk away right now, we’re both uncertain if this is the last time we’ll see each other.”

“Stop it.”

“If you kiss me goodnight, I’ll know that everything is alright between us. We don’t have to get back together or anything...I just need to know that you’ll be okay.” That was it. The ultimatum that had you fearing for the future. You didn’t move from your spot and Junhui sighed. He let go of you, ready to head back to his car. Before he could step further away from you, your hand curled around his arm and you kissed him.

“Can you spend the night? I don’t wanna be alone.”

When he opened his eyes again, he found the bed empty, signaling that you had already woken up. In the blink of an eye and a muffled thump later, you appeared in front of him, smiling like you finally meant it.

He leaned forward, finally cupping your face in his hands, sighing contentedly when you didn’t disappear. He thought of something good to say, but it had all been done more than once. “Do you think you can forgive me?”

You thought about it, though there wasn’t much to think about. “Second chances won’t leave us alone, will they?” You brushed the front of his hair to the side, revealing his twinkling eyes. “I don’t think we were too young either,” you whispered, pressing your forehead to his.

“Say it again.”

“What?”

“Were we too young?”

“No.”

“Again.”

“NO.”

“Were we too young when we fell in love?”

“NO!” You both screamed at the top of your lungs, until you collapsed on top of him in a fit of giggles.

“I love you.”

“I love you, Angel.”

[paul-tudor-owen]

The Weighing of the Heart by Paul Tudor Owen – reviews

My novel The Weighing of the Heart was nominated for the Guardian Not the Booker Prize. Here are some of the reviews from people who kindly voted for it.

You can buy the book here.

Beth Parry

Vote 1: Paul Tudor Owen, The Weighing of the Heart

Funny, moving and captivating all at once; a beautiful enactment of the unusual adventures that materialise from seemingly ordinary twists and turns in life. Owen is a brilliant observer of people and their deepest instincts.

Lualabear 

Vote 1: The Weighing of the Heart by Paul Tudor Owen

- This story of obsession, crime and mystery pulls you along with its fast-paced plot and unexpected twists and clever ending. The book has sparked an ongoing debate between me and my partner, which is a good sign of a successful book. Is the protagonist Nick a reliable narrator? Is it Nick who is leading Lydia or the other way round? Do people in the Big Apple really eat out so much?

Tudor Owen has a distinctive voice and throughout he conjours up a compelling vision of New York. He is clearly a writer who knows and loves the city and it shines through in this confident debut.

Plus it has characters called the Peacock sisters. What's not to like?

Christina456 

VOTE 1:

Paul Tudor Owen: The Weighing of the Heart

A love story with a twist, set in NYC, beautifully written. Wonderful debut novel, real page turner, that I thoroughly enjoyed. I learned a lot about ancient Egyptian mythology and loved the mood, the characters and the New York feeling the book conveys. 

davegat 

Vote 1 - Paul Tudor Owen - The Weighing of the Heart

I read TWOTH in a single sitting - I found the plot so intriguing and the central character so engaging that, clichéd as this sounds, I couldn't put it down. As this Auster-esque tale unfolded, I began to question a lot of what I’d initially taken for granted about Nick Braeburn, the aptly (and appley) named Englishman struggling for success in the Big Apple, and needed to read parts of it twice. This stunning debut novel has much to recommend it, but something I particularly liked was the research the author had done into ancient Egyptian art, which took me back to childhood visits to the museum in Manchester - the hometown that Nick, Paul and I all left behind.

ID9836338

Vote 1: The Weighing of the Heart, by Paul Tudor Owen

A great debut novel by an author who's managed to bring a lot of different threads in to one short but gripping story. New York comes to life in a way I've not experienced before and the readers relationship with the protagonist is as curious as the plot he leads. A wonderful read.

Carolinechatwin

VOTE 1: Paul Tudor Owen: the weighing of the heart.

Owen’s debut novel pushes all the right buttons. The characters are well drawn and the author makes effective use of anecdotes from the protagonist’s life to draw the reader in and keep them interested. What begins as a light hearted romance set against the backdrop of NYC, ends as something darker and more troubling. I stumbled across it my accident in an Islington local bookshop and read it in one sitting. Recommended!

Wutheredangel 

1. The weighing of the heart by Paul Tudor Owen is a haunting and unusual exploration of the psyche of a young man in New York. It’s a psychological love story with a dark side. But at the same time it’s funny, engagingly readable, and brimming with enthusiasm for the New York lifestyle.

MariCarmen89 

Vote 1 - The Weighing of the Heart by Paul Tudor Owen. The plot was so gripping that I read the whole book in 2 days. Bringing together the art world, ancient mythology, a deep love and admiration for New York City and all it represents, complex literary techniques and engaging dialogue, this debut novel is a must-read!

Metropolitan247 

Vote 2- Weighing of the Heart - Paul Tudor Owen - great insight into New York!

Ankahu 

Vote 1: The Weighing of the Heart by Paul Tudor Owen. Fabulous debut novel! Was immersed in the intriguing storyline. Loved the ancient Egyptian mythology which interweaves with the modern day New York the characters inhabit. You walk the streets of New York with the protagonist and really want things to work out for him. Excited to read more by this author.

Ahh6356 

VOTE 1 - The Weighing of the Heart by Paul Tudor Owen (Obliterati Press)

Review of the Weighing of the Heart

This book draws in the reader from the start and keeps the pace throughout. The author cleverly reveals more about his main character as the story progresses, while keeping you guessing until the end. Characters are very well drawn and the descriptions of New York make it easy to picture the surroundings. The story combines crime, mystery and humour and is a great read.

JenniferJuan 

Vote 1

The Weighing Of The Heart by Paul Tudor Owen

It's difficult to believe that this is the author's first novel sometimes. He does a great job of bringing New York to wherever the reader is, and helping them to fall in love with it, the way that he has. There is clearly a lot of passion that has gone into this book, and it is a fresh take on the clasdic New Yorker novel.

LyndseyR23 

My vote is for Paul Tudor Owen – The Weighing of the Heart (Obliterati Press) I was captivated by the authors rich descriptions of New York, the tenuous relationship between the two main characters and the Ancient Egyptian motifs that occur throughout. Owen does a brilliant job of, little by little, offering deeper glimpses into the mind of the protagonist - Nick Braeburn - and effortlessly distorts reality as Braeburn begins to unravel. Compelling and original writing from a truly promising author.

KevRichardson 

Vote 1. The Weighing Of The Heart by Paul Tudor Owen

A unique, New York set thriller-cum-romance-cum-art heist novel about a young Englishman who rents a room from elderly, wealthy New Yorker sisters ,and persuades a Portuguese woman who is renting another room to help him steal a priceless piece of art from them. Very much in the traditional of classic New Yorker novels and highly recommended.

Anna Helen Pickering 

Vote 1: The Weighing of the Heart, Paul Tudor Owen

The Weighing of the Heart is a love story and a mystery. Lightly comical in parts its grip increases as the story progresses and the lives of the initially-aloof characters become more and more entwined. The descriptions of place and people are evocative and sweep you into the New York world of the characters, making us wonder if we would do the same thing if the opportunity presented itself.

NotJohnWayne 

VOTE #1: "The Weighing of the Heart."

A classy, stylish novel about love, crime, art and madness. Gripped me from the first sentence and I honestly couldn't put it down.

2raggedclaws 

Vote 1: The Weighing of the Heart by Paul Tudor Owen.

The story of deviant artist Nick Braeburn and his pursuit of his desires amidst the old money of New York's Upper East Side had me gripped instantly. This is a shockingly assured first novel; funny, thrilling and hallucinatory, with echoes of the most enjoyable elements of Highsmith and Dostoyevsky. I didn't come away trusting Nick, or wanting him anywhere near my life, but I deeply missed inhabiting his world. I couldn't ask for more in a book.

RachelELane 

Vote 1: The Weighing of the Heart, by Paul Tudor Owen.

Review of The Weighing of the Heart: Set in New York, and told through the narration of main character Nick Braeburn, Paul Tudor Owen weaves an impressive tale of New York possibilities, Ancient Egyptian art, and a passionate but fragile love affair. Emboldened by a seemingly straightforward opportunity to improve their lot, Nick and artist, Lydia, commit a crime that all at once realises their desires and triggers the steady crumbling of everything, including their relationship and perception of what's real.

This book is written so authentically, and pulls you in so completely, that it becomes almost oppressive, and despite it being a compelling page-turner, I had to put it down and walk away at one point because I was too stressed with how things were unfolding. To elicit that response from a reader in a debut novel is talent indeed, and I eagerly await the next offering from Paul Tudor Owen. A fabulous read.

Ellelong1 

My first vote is for The Weighing of the Heart.

I loved being swept away to New York, its excitement and thrill and darker undercurrents. The narrator is a brilliant addition to the literary strand of outsiders who’ve told their tales of life in the City. As Nick Braeburn’s story unfolds, the author conjures that feeling of never quite being able to own New York, to make it yours and know it completely; and in a neat parallel the reader begins to wonder whether Nick is telling the truth, or whether he is as inscrutable as the city he loves.

I also really enjoyed the use of Ancient Egyptian imagery, which ushered in vague memories of primary school history and seems to tie in neatly with periods of New York’s architectural history, with so many key buildings built on classical and monumental lines. The painting at the heart of the book became so real to me that I sneakily searched for the artist on the internet – I love being convinced that a real-world element has found its way into a book.

The twists and turns of the plot make it a compelling and fast-paced read – highly recommended.

passionaria 

My first vote goes toThe Weighing of the Heart by Paul Tudor Owen (Obliterati Press), the story of a young English man in New York, his first relationship and how it ends and the move to rent an apartment from two elderly ladies who seem to be a bit “Grey Gardens” and slightly sinister. He meets and falls in love with a beautiful fellow lodger who is an artist. He works in a gallery and we learn a lot about the NY art world, and about the Egyptology that has always been Nick’ passion, and which he finds his landladies share. They hatch a wicked plot that ultimately leads to their downfall and brushes with NY’s seamy underbelly. There are hints throughout the book, but the ending came as a complete shock to me and took my breath away. I don’t want to say anything that might be a spoiler, so please read it for yourself.

AMichaelKay 

Vote 1. The Weighing of the Heart by Paul Tudor Owen (Obliterati Press).

A beautifully written debut novel about a young Englishman, Nick, living in an Upper East Side apartment in New York. His mysterious landladies, the Peacock sisters and the other tenant, Lydia, have an increasing effect on his life as things take a sinister turn. I particularly liked the way Nick's state of mind took on a dream like quality as things started to unravel for him. The intrigue and suspense continue right to the end. I also liked the Egyptology references throughout the book. Highly recommended.

GGID2080179 

First vote - Paul Tudor Owen – The Weighing of the Heart (Obliterati Press)

I loved reading this fantastically paced novel. The main character begins to unravel as the novel develops and the stakes continually increase. The plot is beautifully linked with Egyptology that adds a fascinating dimension and I loved the portrayal of the New York that Nick and Lydia inhabit. I was totally gripped and loved every minute of reading this. I particularly enjoyed the final third of the book as things really start to unravel for Nick and his grip loosens on his world. I’m really looking forward to reading more from the author in the future.

allen twyning 

Vote 1 - Paul Tudor Owen - the weighing of the heart. A heartfelt tribute to the Big Apple. Owen in his debut novel gives us a touching almost palpable account of his times in New York. Emotions are raw as we explore the city through his eyes. The relationships explored throughout the book feel genuine and any reader can tell this is a true labour of love for the author. It’s an incredible piece of work and leaves the reader eager to see what this promising young author does next. Truly incredible.

jjsmclaughlin 

VOTE 1: The Weighing of the Heart by Paul Tudor Owen (Obliterati Press)

The Weighing of the Heart is so compulsively readable that everyone I lent it to, like me, read it in no more than a day and a half. The story rattles along at a feverish pace, which sort of mirrors the narrator's thoughtless way of living. It's also very funny. It's supposed to be a mystery, but the reader is duped as much as the characters. Kinda reminded me of Bret Easton Ellis; Funny, absurd and mischievous.

Susi51 

Vote 1, Paul Tudor Owen, The Weighing of the Heart.

Wow a fabulous debut novel, I loved it. It is definitely a page turner, I read it in two days! It is an intriguing and tense mystery with characters that really draw you in. Set in modern day New York with ancient Egyptian mythology, there are twists and turns and some humour. The main character is a young English man, Nick, who soon becomes obsessed with a The Weighing of the Heart piece of art work and wants it at any cost!!!! I can't say anymore without giving the whole story away. After the introduction of the art work in the book I checked to see if it was really ancient Egyptian mythology. Oh my, it is, obsession is not good!!!

Isobellong 

Vote 1: Paul Tudor Owen - The Weighing of the Heart.

A pleasure to read from cover to cover - at once thrilling and thought-provoking. What appears to be an already intriguing love story becomes a cinematic journey through New York, the representation of which perfectly describes its timelessness.

A must read.

MrHandsomeBWonderful 

Vote 1: The Weighing of the Heart by Paul Tudor Owen (Obliterati)

Really enjoyed this book - very accomplished for a first-time novelist. Difficult to review without giving too much away, but the central character, Nick, is very well drawn and convincing as a narrator, with just enough glimpses beyond what he's saying to give you pause, and lead you on in the story. I think it would merit a re-read just to pick up on the clues once you've finished the book. I enjoyed the author's ear for dialogue, and particularly, given Nick's 'Englishman in New York' remove from a stable set of peers, overheard phrases that he chooses to write down - I've not seen this done before and it's very effective. There's a wry sense of humour that permeates the book, which makes the change in tone as the book goes on more jarringly effective. There's also a slightly dreamy, ethereal quality that's reminiscent of Jeffrey Eugenides or Emma Cline, and the pacing is very Patricia Highsmith in terms of propelling the reader to the end.

alexbuxton 

Vote 1 - The Weighing of the Heart by Paul Tudor Owen

A tour de force of a book. Paul Tudor Owen not only has an excellent middle name, but also a gift for storytelling that makes this a real joy to read. As he's the writer, not me, I won't make this too long, but would simply urge you to read this now. Your summer will thank you for it. Evoking a stylish, at times menacing, New York, and bringing to mind all sorts of crime noir books but with an oh so original take, this gripped me from start to finish. As sexy and otherworldly as a book rooted in the very real world can be. No mean feat.

ArabellaFT 

VOTE 1 - 'The Weighing of the Heart' by Paul Tudor Owen

I very much enjoyed this excellent debut novel. It's not a standard crime story, and it develops into an engrossing mystery as the reader begins to question the motivations of the characters and whether all is really as it seems. It has a slightly dreamlike quality, which works well with the references to Ancient Egyptian mythology. This is a book that can be read and re-read, there's so much attention to detail and the characters are each fascinating in their own way.

Tudor Owen 

(1) The Weighing of the Heart by Paul Tudor Owen.

An exciting read this, as we ponder the reliability of the narrator, the tension of the crime and whether we (the parents of the author) appear in any thinly disguised form in the narrative. We don't and so we VOTE for this book. David and Sue Owen

simplicitydrifter 

Tudor Owen 

Have a recommend for your refreshing honesty.

MrKelly2u 

VOTE 1: THE WEIGHING OF THE HEART by PAUL TUDOR OWEN

Original plot, perfectly pitched atmosphere and a great premise. Excellent read.

gpwigglesworth 

Vote 1: Paul Tudor Owen – The Weighing of the Heart (Obliterati Press) I loved this book. A young man moves to New York and fortuitously takes up residence in a stylish apartment with 2 elderly sisters. What follows is a tale of art, love and theft with a touch of madness - all set withing the brilliantly realised bustle of New York City. This is an excellent debut from a very talented writer. There are echoes of Donna Tartt (no bad thing of course) though this is very much it's own book. I like a book that keeps you guessing keeps you enthralled and this certainly does that. I look forward to Mr Tudor Owen's next tome!

kkumaria 

My vote goes to Paul Tudor Owen’s The Weighing of the Heart (by Obliterati), which - in addition to being wonderfully evocative of the energy of New York for the twenty-something - brilliantly builds a thrilling tale of obsession and recklessness.

pauldhull 

I would like to vote for The Weighing of the Heart by Paul Tudor Owen. I rattled through this debut novel in a few days. A well paced plot and a page-turner in the best sense of the term. The ending also left me satisfied and avoided sentimentalism. Covering modern life in New York and Ancient Egypt there is something for everyone here.

stevetamburello 

Vote:

1 The Weighing of the Heart - Paul Tudor Owen

Review:

I've never been to New York but within a few pages I was fully immersed in the city through the eyes of Nick Braeburn, as he finds his place in the New World in the spirit of the great American novels like Catcher in the Rye or On the Road. But before you realise, it all takes a less than ideal turn. The constant presence of the Egyptian gods added an interesting layer to the story and there's plenty to mull over when the book is done. A writer to watch..

Richard Luscombe 

Vote 1: The Weighing of the Heart by Paul Tudor Owen

Review of The Weighing of the Heart: This is a brisk-paced modern New York tale spun around an art "heist" with a difference. Two young expat artists trying to find their way in the Big Apple meet and fall in love and chance upon an opportunity to cheat their wealthy landladies... but at least one of the young lovers may not be exactly who they seem and their ingenious scam stands on the edge of discovery. In his debut novel Paul Tudor Owen paints a vivid picture of NYC's art scene blended with a colorful dive into Egyptian mythology.

anna88 

Vote: The Weighing of the Heart, Paul Owen

The debut novel from Paul Owen is illustrative and captivating. Set in New York, the reader is immersed in the life of Englishman Nicholas Braeburn. Much of the city is left behind as the novel is largely set in the mysterious setting of the grand yet dilapidated house of the Peacock sisters. Nick's existence appears somewhat simple and romantic on the surface. However, this simplicity is gradually eroded throughout the novel. One action turns Nick's life around, changing the pace and feel of the second half of the book. With echos of Donna Tartt, this page turner is a must read. Really looking forward to seeing more from Paul Owen!

patmayne 

Vote 1 - 'The Weighing of the Heart by Paul Tudor Owen (Obliterati Press)' I can't believe this is the Author's first novel. Set in New York, it captures the style and feel of the City as majestically as anything I've read by such literary luminaries as Auster, Tartt and Salinger. Beautifully written, accessible language and a slightly phantasmagorical story line (that taught me more about ancient Egyptian mythology than any school trip to a museum did!) this book deals with love, betrayal, identity and the age old question of the American Dream. I'd certainly recommend that you give it a go and I personally cannot wait to read more!

Bookphace

2nd VOTE for Paul Tudor Owen's The Weighing of the Heart. An impressive debut novel, it's economic prose but the overall sense is one of richness and substance with a finely woven plot and some balanced and contrasting characterisations.

[laniakeabooks]

January Wrap Up

I read 11 books in January which is a personal record. I’ve included the synopsis pulled directly from Goodreads and my (short) thoughts on the book. If you’d like a longer review of any of the books I read this month, feel free to request it!

The Innocence Treatment by Ari Goelman - ⭐⭐⭐

Lauren has a disorder that makes her believe everything her friends tell her--and she believes everyone is her friend. Her innocence puts her at constant risk, so when she gets the opportunity to have an operation to correct her condition, she seizes it. But after the surgery, Lauren is changed. Is she a paranoid lunatic with violent tendencies? Or a clear-eyed observer of the world who does what needs to be done?

Told in journal entries and therapy session transcripts, The Innocence Treatment is a collection of Lauren's papers, annotated by her sister long after the events of the novel. A compelling YA debut thriller that is part speculative fiction and part shocking tell-all of genetic engineering and government secrets, Lauren's story is ultimately an electrifying, propulsive, and spine-tingling read.

 Nothing I found particularly impressive… it had potential but didn’t quite meet it.

 The Memory Book by Lara Avery - ⭐⭐⭐⭐

 Sammie was always a girl with a plan: graduate at the top of her class and get out of her small town as soon as humanly possible. Nothing will stand in her way--not even a rare genetic disorder the doctors say will slowly start to steal her memories and then her health. What she needs is a new plan.

So the Memory Book is born: Sammie's notes to her future self, a document of moments great and small. It's where she'll record every perfect detail of her first date with longtime crush, Stuart--a brilliant young writer who is home for the summer. And where she'll admit how much she's missed her childhood best friend, Cooper, and even take some of the blame for the fight that ended their friendship.

Through a mix of heartfelt journal entries, mementos, and guest posts from friends and family, readers will fall in love with Sammie, a brave and remarkable girl who learns to live and love life fully, even though it's not the life she planned.

 I am shocked. I never expected to like a contemporary this much... especially "sick-lit" or whatever people are calling it. Maybe it was because I found a lot of what Sammie said to be so relatable, or maybe because NPC is exactly the type of disease I'd like to research in my future. Maybe it's because one of my greatest fears is getting dementia and losing my memory.

Whatever it was, I hope I can find it again in another book.

 Vox by Christina Dalcher - ⭐⭐

 Set in an America where half the population has been silenced, VOX is the harrowing, unforgettable story of what one woman will do to protect herself and her daughter.

On the day the government decrees that women are no longer allowed more than 100 words daily, Dr. Jean McClellan is in denial—this can't happen here. Not in America. Not to her.

This is just the beginning.

Soon women can no longer hold jobs. Girls are no longer taught to read or write. Females no longer have a voice. Before, the average person spoke sixteen thousand words a day, but now women only have one hundred to make themselves heard.

But this is not the end.

For herself, her daughter, and every woman silenced, Jean will reclaim her voice

 Uh, yeah, not impressed. Disappointed. Annoyed. It felt like Dalcher was trying too hard and was clearly ridding on the coattails of The Handmaid’s Tale’s recent re-emergence.

Also, the narrator on the audiobook and pronounce Wernicke’s area which just grated on my nerves and honestly pissed me off.

 First We Were IV by Alexandra Sirowy - ⭐⭐⭐⭐

 It started for pranks, fun, and forever memories.

A secret society – for the four of us.

The rules: Never lie. Never tell. Love each other.

We made the pledge and danced under the blood moon on the meteorite in the orchard. In the spot we found the dead girl five years earlier. And discovered the ancient drawings way before that.

Nothing could break the four of us apart – I thought.

But then, others wanted in. Our seaside town had secrets. History.

We wanted revenge.

We broke the rules. We lied. We told. We loved each other too much, not enough, and in ways we weren’t supposed to.

Our invention ratcheted out of control.

What started as a secret society, ended as justice. Revenge. Death. Rebellion.

 Wooooowwwww... I am starting off this year with some pretty good reads. Granted, I read probably 3/4 of this one in emerge on my birthday after having twisted my knee skiing the day before...

This book didn't take the path I thought it would. It just felt like the climax and conclusion occurred in the same paragraph? I don't know maybe that's just me...

I'd love to see this as a TV show (maybe Netflix since they tend to do a rocking job).

 Day 21 by Cass Morgan - ⭐⭐⭐

 It's been 21 days since the hundred landed on Earth. They're the only humans to set foot on the planet in centuries...or so they thought. Facing an unknown enemy, Wells attempts to keep the group together. Clarke strikes out for Mount Weather, in search of other Colonists, while Bellamy is determined to rescue his sister, no matter the cost. And back on the ship, Glass faces an unthinkable choice between the love of her life and life itself.

In this pulse-pounding sequel to Kass Morgan's The 100, secrets are revealed, beliefs are challenged, and relationships are tested. And the hundred will struggle to survive the only way they can -- together.

 I still much prefer the Netflix adaptation. Although I enjoy this recovering from an apocalyptic event storyline the books take, I find that they lack the action that I love so much in the show… not to mention that my favourite characters don’t exist.

 52 Reasons to Hate My Father by Jessica Brody - ⭐⭐⭐⭐

 Lexington Larrabee has never to work a day in her life. After all, she’s the heiress to the multi-billion-dollar Larrabee Media empire. And heiresses are not supposed to work. But then again, they’re not supposed to crash brand new Mercedes convertibles into convenience stores on Sunset Blvd either.

Which is why, on Lexi’s eighteen birthday, her ever-absent, tycoon father decides to take a more proactive approach to her wayward life. Every week for the next year, she will have to take on a different low-wage job if she ever wants to receive her beloved trust fund. But if there’s anything worse than working as a maid, a dishwasher, and a fast-food restaurant employee, it’s dealing with Luke, the arrogant, albeit moderately attractive, college intern her father has assigned to keep tabs on her.

In a hilarious “comedy of heiress” about family, forgiveness, good intentions, and best of all, second chances, Lexi learns that love can be unconditional, money can be immaterial, and, regardless of age, everyone needs a little saving. And although she might have 52 reasons to hate her father, she only needs one reason to love him.

 Be prepared for a spoiled, bratty, unlikable main character. If you can’t stand characters like this, then I suggest avoiding this read, especially since we are trapped in her head (1st person narration) for the duration of the book. However, Lexi does have a great character arc, so if you are able to tolerate her for the first half of the book, you’ll actually start to like her.

Another contemporary I really enjoyed… not sure if this is because I’m not as picky when it comes to my favourite and least favourite genres anymore, but then again it my just be that I stumbled across two contemporaries that suited my fancy this month.

 The Loneliest Girl in the Universe by Lauren James - ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

 Romy Silvers is the only surviving crew-member of a spaceship travelling to a new planet, on a mission to establish a second home for humanity amongst the stars. Alone in space, she is the loneliest girl in the universe until she hears about a new ship which has launched from Earth – with a single passenger on board. A boy called J.

Their only communication with each other is via email – and due to the distance between them, their messages take months to transmit across space. And yet Romy finds herself falling in love.

But what does Romy really know about J? And what do the mysterious messages which have started arriving from Earth really mean?

Sometimes, there’s something worse than being alone . . .

 Okay. First of all, the UK paperback cover is gorgeous. This would have one hundred percent been a cover buy if the synopsis hadn’t also intrigued me.

I went in thinking that it would be a space-based romance, but boy was I wrong. And good thing too. I’m not a huge fan of romance (more like I tolerate it for a good plot), and this book did not focus of the blooming romance as much as I thought it would.

Space, suspense, beautiful cover? Sign me up!

 Crash by Lisa McMann - ⭐⭐⭐

 Jules lives with her family above their restaurant, which means she smells like pizza most of the time and drives their double-meatball-shaped food truck to school. It’s not a recipe for popularity, but she can handle that.

What she can’t handle is the recurring vision that haunts her. Over and over, Jules sees a careening truck hit a building and explode...and nine body bags in the snow.

The vision is everywhere—on billboards, television screens, windows—and she’s the only one who sees it. And the more she sees it, the more she sees. The vision is giving her clues, and soon Jules knows what she has to do. Because now she can see the face in one of the body bags, and it’s someone she knows. Someone she has been in love with for as long as she can remember.

In this riveting start to a gripping trilogy from New York Times bestselling author Lisa McMann, Jules has to act—and act fast—to keep her vision from becoming reality.

 Not bad but not amazing either. It’s your typical psychic teen struggling with her newly found gifts and trying to prevent a tragedy. I’ll continue on with the trilogy since I have the bind up, they’re quick reads, and they’re a good distraction from my stressful studies… so basically just what I need.

 Bang by Lisa McMann - ⭐⭐⭐

 Jules should be happy. She saved a lot of people’s lives and she’s finally with Sawyer, pretty much the guy of her dreams. But the nightmare’s not over, because she somehow managed to pass the psycho vision stuff to Sawyer. Excellent.

Feeling responsible for what he’s going through and knowing that people’s lives are at stake, Jules is determined to help him figure it all out. But Sawyer’s vision is so awful he can barely describe it, much less make sense of it. All he can tell her is there’s a gun, and eleven ear-splitting shots. Bang.

Jules and Sawyer have to work out the details fast, because the visions are getting worse and that means only one thing: time is running out. But every clue they see takes them down the wrong path. If they can’t prevent the vision from happening, lives will be lost. And they may be among the casualties…

 This second book in the Visions series took an interesting turn on the whole psychic thing, but a lot of the book was spent going back and forth between “No I don’t want to do this” to “Yes I’m in” and “No I don’t want to help” to, again… “Yes I’m in” which was kind of a drag.

 Number of Pages Read: 3438

Average Rating: 3.5

Favourite Book of the Month: The Loneliest Girl in the Universe by Lauren James

The cover, the space adventure, the thriller-type aspect to the plot… everything I love all in one.

Least Favourite Book of the Month: Vox by Christina Dalcher

I was just… really disappointed.

  Keep up with me on Goodreads!  (https://www.goodreads.com/LaniakeaBooks)

[thesteadydietofeverything]

Video Game Year in Review: The Top 10

As with any year-end list, this one probably isn’t complete. Last year, I fell in love with Nioh over winter break after I had already made my top 10, and just a few days ago, I started playing Hollow Knight. As I made clear in my previous lists, Metroidvanias can be hit or miss for me. I can get fed up with wandering around without a clear destination, and Hollow Knight has a bit of that so far, but it also has one of the most atmospherically welcoming settings for a video game in recent memory, and so far I’ve been pretty damn enraptured by it. I’m not too worried about it making the list at this point; it didn’t even technically come out this year anyway, but its Switch release earlier this year gave it somewhat of a second debut, for all the earned attention it finally got. At least I got a little shout-out here before publishing.

Anyway, here’s ten games I loved the shit out of in 2018. This was one year with a handful of games that I absolutely adored, none of which necessarily immediately jumped out to me as hands down the best one of the bunch, and honestly, that’s the way I’d prefer it, but it did make ranking them a bit tough. Really, from number five onward, the ranking gets pretty interchangeable. I didn’t plan on the game in my number one spot being the one that it is until I actually wrote out my feelings for it and decided that out of all them it was the easiest for me to just gush about. Alright, no further ado:

10. Donut County - Overall, it’s probably a good thing that Donut County isn’t longer than it is, but for as mechanically simple as sucking objects into an ever-expanding void is, it’s something that I felt I would’ve been perfectly entertained doing for a lot longer than the game lasted. Donut County has a wildly inspired and novel central gameplay hook, a relatably goofy sense of humor that might border on obnoxious if it weren’t so sincerely delivered, and an anti-gentrification, anti-capitalist message that mostly works without beating you over the head too hard with it. Ben Esposito and his team have created one of the most charming and original games I’ve played in years here.

9. Paratopic - “Cinematic” is a grossly overused and frequently inappropriate word to use in games criticism, but this game often had me coming back to the word, observing how many ways it feels like it authentically takes inspiration from creative methods seen more often in film, particularly art films, than in games, much more so than say, Red Dead Redemption 2, which typically embarrassingly pales in comparison to any movies it’s obviously aping from. There’s its willingness to not explain to you what’s going on, letting you pick up on clues from scenery and incidental dialogue. Its multiple switching perspectives, laced together to draw meaningful narrative connections. Its tendency to sit in the atmosphere of a scene. Its ability to tell a succinct story intended to be experienced in one sitting. And most of all, those jump cuts. I know Paratopic isn’t the first game to employ this technique, but as far as I can remember, it’s the first that I’ve played to utilize them for purposeful artistic effect, and every time it happened, it was oddly thrilling. I loved when I’d switch from walking to suddenly driving, and had a moment of panic, as if I suddenly just woke up at the wheel. The cliffhangers scenes would occasionally end on made me desperate to get back to that thread. Hell, even just the fact that there clearly were scenes, that lasted a few minutes at a time, then moved on to the next one, felt weirdly refreshing at a time when AAA design is becoming so absurdly bloated. Paratopic excited me, not in its desire to emulate a separate art medium, but in its casual realization of how many underutilized narrative techniques work genuinely effectively in this medium.

8. Dusk - I really can’t imagine a game that more perfectly matches my Platonic ideal of “video game comfort food” than Dusk, aside from, maybe, the game in the number one spot of this list. I was raised on 90’s PC FPS games like Doom and, as is much more relevant to this game, Quake. Yeah, for the most part, it’s nice that games have moved on, both in depth of gameplay and artistry, but goddamn does a back-to-basics twitchy shooter with inspired level design and creepy atmosphere just feel good sometimes. The grainy, chunky polygons of this game encapsulate everything I love about the rudimentary but remarkably evocative minimalism of early 3D graphics. The movement feels absurdly fast by modern standards, and the effect is thrilling - every projectile is dodgeable, as long as your reflexes are sharp enough. Undoubtedly the most impressive thing about this game is its ambitious level design, so much of which rivals even John Romero’s. The longer this game goes on, the more sprawling and labyrinthine it becomes. The map shapes become increasingly wacky. The gothic architecture becomes more foreboding and awe-inspiring. Dusk does a lot with a little, and in the process, makes so much more than a tribute to game design and aesthetics of the past - for me, it stands right alongside its obvious inspirations as one of the very best of its ilk.

7. Into the Breach - An absolute masterclass of game design. Into the Breach leaves nothing about its mechanics obscured, making sure you understand how every move is going to go down just as well as it does, and the fact that the result is still compellingly challenging is a sure sign we’re in the hands of remarkably skilled and intelligent developers. The narrative in this game is sparse - you assume the role of time-looping soldiers attempting over and over again to save your world from alien invasion (think Edge of Tomorrow), and that’s pretty much all you get for the plot, aside from some effective but minimal character beats and dialogue one-liners. And yet, every battlefield, a small grid with its own arrangement of sprites (giant creepy-crawlies, various creative mech classes, structures full of terrified denizens given a modicum of hope at the arrival of their ragged potential saviors) offers a playground for drama to unfold, as gripping and epic as any great mecha anime battle. As I mentioned in my previous list with Dead Cells, I have trouble sticking with run-based games, and this game wasn’t quite an exception - honestly, if it had something resembling a more traditional narrative campaign, I could see it potentially filling my number one spot. But that a game of its style nevertheless stuck with me as well as it did proves what a tremendous achievement I found it to be.

6. Astro Bot Rescue Mission - This was both the first game I’ve played fully in VR and the first game I’ve ever platinumed. I guess that might say something about how thoroughly I fell for it. For some reason, one of the questions that my brain kept posing while playing this game is, “would you like this game as much if it weren’t in VR?” I would like to pose that first off, if this wasn’t a VR game, it would be quite a different game, but yes, probably a perfectly delightful 3D platformer in its own right. But most of all, this game helped me realize what a bullshit question that is in the first place. By virtue of its VR nature, this game is just fundamentally different, just as the jump from 2D to 3D resulted in games that were just fundamentally different. The perspective you’re given watching over your little robot playable character allows to look in 360 degrees, and often you need to, if you’re seeking out every level’s secrets, and yet, while it moves forward, it doesn’t follow you vertically, so sometimes you’re looking up or down as well. It’s difficult to describe exactly how this perspective is so much more than a gimmick or something, outside of the cliched exaggeration of “it feels like you’re really there, man,” but honestly, this statement isn’t wrong. I truly did feel immersed in these levels in a way that I wouldn’t have if this weren’t a VR game, and while it’s not exactly a feeling I now desire from every game, it does stand out as one of the singular gaming experiences I had in 2018 as a result.

5. Thonebreaker: The Witcher Tales - I gushed plenty about this game in my review. How its approach to Gwent-based combat is both welcoming to newcomers and remarkably varied, offering new ways to approach and think about the game with nearly every encounter. How its sizable story is filled with fascinating characters and genuinely distressing choices, forcing you to grapple with the inherent injustices of your position. How its vivid art style and wonderfully moody Marcin Przybyłowicz score sell The Witcher feel of this game, despite how differently it plays from the mainline entries of the game. And maybe most of all, how criminally overlooked this game has been. So I’ll make the same claim I did before - if The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt did something for you, it’s likely this game will too. Don’t worry about the card game - I did too, and trust me, it’s fun. It’s the new Witcher game; that really ought to be all you need to know.

4. Yakuza 6: The Song of Life - There’s...a lot about the Yakuza games that I’ve come to adore, but one of the biggest ones that kept sticking out to me while playing The Song of Life is how they build a sense of place. After playing Yakuza 0, set in 1988, and Yakuza Kiwami, set in 2005, I played this one, set in 2016. Each time, same Kiryu, but older, same Kamurocho, but era appropriate. Setting every Yakuza game in the same map has to be one of the quietly boldest experiments in video games, forgoing fresh new vistas to explore in favor of the same familiar boulevards, alleys, and parks of the iconic red-light district, painting an exquisitely detailed and loving portrait of a neighborhood changing with the decades. While Kiryu’s exasperation at once again walking into the all-too-familiar crowded streets of Kamurocho, brighter and louder than ever, hardly matched my eagerness to see how it had changed, it felt appropriate. Though he’s still the hottest dad (grandpa?) in town, he is kinda old now, and he’s certainly earned the right to just be over it a little. Even the silliest of the era-relevant sub stories (one of which delightfully features Kiryu putting a selfie-stick wielding, obnoxious-stunt pulling, wanna-be influencer shithead in his place) serve to underscore how out of place he now is in his old stomping grounds.

By contrast, the other setting of Yakuza 6, the quaint seaside town of Onomichi, very quickly begins to feel like an idyllic retirement destination. The introduction to this part of the game has to be my favorite video game moment of 2018 - Kiryu trying to calm a hungry baby, while walking the deserted streets after dark in search of one store that still happens to be open. The faint sound of ocean in the distance effectively evokes the freshness, the bitterness, of the air. The emptiness and darkness of the space is almost shocking, compared to the sensory overload of Kamurocho. And there’s Haruto. Kiryu took Haruka in when she was 9, so he’s never had to deal with a baby before. He’s out of his element, but hardly unwilling. The help he gets from Kiyomi and his other new friends is the kind of comfort Kiryu needs at this point in his life. Likewise, the events in Onomichi play out like a retirement fantasy - building an amateur baseball team out of local talent, building relationships with the denizens of a bar in an incredible Japanese version of Cheers, hanging out with the town’s Yakuza, who are so small potatoes they seem to barely fit the definitions of organized or crime. It all works beautifully as a touching send-off to my favorite video game character.

3. Tetris Effect - There was a long time where I was contemplating putting this as my number one game. I went through some strange conflicts in the consideration - next to all these original, thoughtful games, am I really going to say that fucking Tetris is best one of them? Is that even fair? Is this game really anything more than just regular-ass Tetris but with some pretty lights and sounds and a 90’s rave kinda vibe? The answer to all of these, is, of course, yes, but also no. I’d defend my choice any day, though. This is the first game to actually get me into Tetris. I always appreciated it; it’s a classic, but it was never a game I had actually put much time or thought into before. This game not only sold me on Tetris, but got me obsessed with it, to the point where the name feels remarkably appropriate: ever since I began playing, I’ve been seeing tetriminos falling - in my sleep, in daydreams, any time I see any type of blocky shape in real life I’m fitting them together in my mind. The idea that all Tetris pieces, despite their differences, need each other and complement each other and can all fit together in perfect harmony, and that this is a metaphor for humanity, has to be some of the cheesiest bullshit I’ve ever heard, and yet, the game fully sold me on it from the first damn level. It’s all connected. We’re all together in this life. Don’t you forget it.

2. Celeste - This is a damn near perfect game, both as refreshing and demanding as a climb up a beautiful but treacherous mountain ought to be. I died many, many times (2424, to be exact), but the game explicitly encouraged me to be proud of that, acting as a friendly little cheerleader in between deaths, assuring me that I could do it. It’s both a welcome break from the smug, sneering attitude so many “difficult” games tend to traffic in, and absolutely central to its themes involving mental health. As the shockingly good plot starts making it increasingly clear that it’s about Madeline’s quest to conquer (or, at least, understand) her inner demons, the gameplay itself offers a simple but effective metaphor for struggling with mental illness - yes, it’s hard, and yes, you’re going to suffer and struggle, but you can make it, and you will make it, because you’re so much better than you think you are. Oh, and also, it’s not all bad, because at least you get to listen to some absolutely rippin’ tunes while you do it.

1. Ni No Kuni II: Revenant Kingdom - (Another one I reviewed!) This is my ideal JRPG. In my mind it stands next to childhood treasures like Final Fantasy IX. Unlike some recent Square projects that specifically try to clone their late 90’s output, this game hardly feels beholden to the game design of the past, and yet, feels of a piece with that era in a respectably non-cloying way. It has a bright, colorful, inviting world full of charming characters, an all-time great soundtrack by Joe Hisaishi, and an exciting, deep combat system with an emphasis on action. Building my kingdom of Evermore was remarkably satisfying, down to all the little dumb tasks my citizens would ask of me, none of which my very good boy King Evan was too busy or too proud to refuse. There’s very little grinding. It’s a long game by most standards, but at 40-something hours, it feels lean by JRPG standards. And for as much of a storybook fantasy as the plot is, as much as it reduces woefully complicated socio-political issues into neat, resolvable tasks for Evan to solve, it always came across as perfectly genuine, and sometimes surprisingly affecting. It’s the game that I’ve wanted to play since the PS1 Final Fantasy games stole my heart as a kid. That’s hardly what I expected it to be as I started into it, and what a joy it was to discover that it was.

[eddycurrents]

For the week of 2 July 2018

Quick Bits:

Ant-Man & The Wasp #3 is another fun issue in this mini as Scott and his tiny alien friends try to come up with a way to rescue Nadia. I’m still highly impressed by Javier Garrón’s art on this series, as it continues to push inventive designs, combined with Israel Silva’s bright, bouncy colours.

| Published by Marvel

Astonishing X-Men #13 begins Matthew Rosenberg and Greg Land’s run on the title and it’s very well done. It kicks off what looks to be Havok’s redemption arc, but the road is very rocky and unlike say, Magneto or Sabretooth, he’s not being given too much slack from his former compatriots. This first issue has a good deal of Rosenberg’s trademark humour and some pretty decent art from Land, Jay Leisten, and Frank D’Armata.

| Published by Marvel

Avengers #4 made it dawn on me what this run reminds me of, Grant Morrison and Howard Porter’s run on JLA. It’s intelligently crafted, widescreen action with Jason Aaron, Paco Medina, Ed McGuinness, Juan Velasco, Mark Morales, and David Curiel pulling it off very, very well.

| Published by Marvel

Captain America #1 is great. Ta-Nehisi Coates’ debut on the series finally addresses the fallout of Secret Empire on a personal and emotional level and it leads to an incredibly compelling story of war and pieces, as a new threat begins to surface and we’re left in a world where people don’t know who to trust. The story is enriched immensely by Leinil Francis Yu, Gerry Alanguilan, and Sunny Gho’s artwork which is just incredible. Yu is a consummate storyteller and this book is just flawless with its visuals. I’m very interested to see where this creative team is going to take this story.

| Published by Marvel

Cosmic Ghost Rider #1 continues the fun that was to be had during Donny Cates, Geoff Shaw, and Antonio Fabela’s excellent run on Thanos, with Cates’ Interceptor/Reactor collaborator, Dylan Burnett taking on the art chores. You don’t need to have read the earlier Thanos series to come in here, but I still highly recommend reading that run. “Thanos Wins” was a damn good story and so is this. The irreverent humour is here in spades, the art is glorious, and Frank Castle’s new mission should be interesting.

| Published by Marvel

Dark Ark #8 takes a very interesting turn as Shrae confronts the monster of the deep plaguing Noah’s ark. Juan Doe’s designs for even more of the monsters, and the deep one, are amazing.

| Published by AfterShock

Deadpool #2 has more glorious art from Nic Klein. This is among the best art in a Deadpool series and the character has seem some pretty incredible artists work on him. I can again easily recommend the title on the art alone, but I do have to say that the story is growing on me. I like the somewhat serious yet patently ridiculous interplay between Klein’s art and Skottie Young’s dialogue, with some very nice humorous moments here.

| Published by Marvel

Death of the Inhumans #1 is going to break your heart. Even if you hate the Inhumans, this is pretty harrowing. Donny Cates, Ariel Olivetti, and Jordie Bellaire are crafting a tale of loss here and this issue really makes that loss feel real, the threat possibly inescapable, as the Kree threaten genocide. This is pretty epic and I’m anxious to see what happens next.

| Published by Marvel

Death or Glory #3 is a harrowing issue, cutting deep twice, once as we go on a trip through Glory’s past and once again in the present, with a few other punches for good measure. Rick Remender and Bengal are delivering an incredibly nuanced, well-thought out, well-illustrated crime tale here and I recommend it highly for everyone. Loving this series.

| Published by Image / Giant Generator

Delta 13 #3 reaches the point in the horror story where there are weird shenanigans going on, but the creature(s) haven’t yet revealed themselves to the crew. Steve Niles and Nat Jones are really milking the atmosphere they’ve established, it should be very interesting when the story explodes.

| Published by IDW

Doctor Strange #3 is labelled as an Infinity Wars tie-in and given that it advances the plot and whereabouts of the Time Stone, it is absolutely essential to the overall story (even if “Infinity Countdown tie-in” might be a better label at this current point). Mark Waid and Jesús Saiz deliver a mostly standalone story here, fleshing out some of the character development between Strange and Kanna, but this issue should have interesting ramifications on the wider Infinity Stones arc.

| Published by Marvel

Giant Days #40 sees the welcome return of Max Sarin to the art chores, coinciding with Ed moving back in from the hospital. I’m impressed with what John Allison does with the confrontation between Ed and Esther. It’s not at all what I would have expected, but it feels right.

| Published by Boom Entertainment / BOOM! Box

The Gravediggers Union #8 is the quiet before the storm, with Cole having a talk with his daughter before the end, trying to convince her to walk away from destroying the world. I still love how Wes Craig, Toby Cypress, and Niko Guardia have turned this huge, weird epic into a deeply personal story of a girl who feels betrayed by her parents. Very much looking forward to seeing how this concludes next issue.

| Published by Image

The Highest House #5 is another brilliant issue in this series that everyone should be reading. Everyone. The layers of characters, the intricacies of the plot, the absolutely amazing artwork, Mike Carey, Peter Gross, and Fabien Alquier are crafting a masterpiece here.

| Published by IDW

Hunt for Wolverine: Weapon Lost #3 takes a turn as the detective group searching for Wolverine find a Wolverine. As with the other Hunt for Wolverine minis, most of this looks to be shaping up to be a wild goose chase, but for the most part these are still interesting stories in their own right. Charles Soule gives us another cliffhanger at the end here, I wonder if it will end up like last issue’s?

| Published by Marvel

Immortal Hulk #2 I’d probably argue is even better than the first issue. While that feel of the lonesome wanderer that’s reminiscent of the television series and the Marvel Knights run from Bruce Jones is still present here, of a Bruce Banner terrified of the Hulk, the story here twinges a different flavour, Len Wein and Bernie Wrighton’s Swamp Thing. This issue taps into that feel of the reticent monster, hunting down things that are even worse. This is a great standalone tale from Al Ewing, Joe Bennett, Ruy José, and Paul Mounts.

| Published by Marvel

Incognegro: Renaissance #5 concludes this wonderful series, working out the final details leading up to Xavier’s murder. Like the original Incognegro graphic novel, Mat Johnson and Warren Pleece have crafted a wonderful mystery that weaves into it some very important, very interesting history and sociological themes. I’m hoping that there will be more.

| Published by Dark Horse / Berger Books

Infinity Countdown: Champions #2 makes some big changes, huge developments really, that make this issue absolutely necessary if you’re a regular Champions reader. Jim Zub, Emilio Laiso, and Andy Troy conclude this tale on a bittersweet note, including an epic confrontation between the team and Warbringer.

| Published by Marvel

Joe Hill’s The Cape: Fallen #1 reunites the team who adapted Joe Hill’s short story the first time around, Jason Ciaramella, Zach Howard, and Nelson Daniel, for a new mini set between the panels of the original story. While reading the original certainly informs this, I feel like you can still enjoy this new mini so far on its own merits.

| Published by IDW

The Last Siege #2 brings us round to gathering the pieces for the conflict between this last bastion against an upstart king, as well as the ramifications of capture and exile of Sir Feist. Like the first issue, the art from Justin Greenwood and Eric Jones is perfect.

| Published by Image

Medieval Spawn & Witchblade #3 incrementally advances us forward, giving us a fight between Spawn and one of the Queen’s minions and delivering a bit of exposition on the Witchblade’s legacy. I’m not sure if it’s in Brian Haberlin’s originals, since it kind of looks like he’s using digital models, or ultimately completely Geirrod van Dyke’s work, but the rendering on Spawn and Scourge’s armours looks incredible.

| Published by Image

Paradiso #5 returns with some incredible world-building as we learn more about the religion of the world as it is now and of some of the history and landmarks throughout the city. Everything about this series is amazing, with Ram V, Devmalya Pramanik, Alba Cardona Gil, and Aditya Bidikar, creating something very unique here.

| Published by Image

The Quantum Age #1 begins a new ongoing series in the Black Hammer empire, with Jeff Lemire riffing on the Legion of Super-Heroes, and Wilfredo Torres and Dave Stewart providing some beautiful artwork. I’ve loved what Lemire and his artistic collaborators in Dean Ormston, David Rubín, Max Fiumara, and Stewart have done previously, deftly working through the various different eras of comicdom (mainly with analogues to DC stuff), while still telling engaging surface level stories. This looks to be no different, although featuring a future gone wrong rather than the optimism of the usual LoSH stories.

| Published by Dark Horse

Submerged #1 is an enthralling first issue, with Vita Ayala, Lisa Sterle, and Stelladia capturing an almost perfect balance of magical realism, juggling between the fantasy and horror of the descent into the underworld and the mundane of Elysia’s family life.

| Published by Vault

Thief of Thieves #38 comes a little more than a year and a half after the last issue, with a transition from Andy Diggle to Brett Lewis on writing duties for this final arc. There’s a decided stylistic shift, from all out action to Lewis’ epistolary narration, but with Shawn Martinbrough’s art it still feels like a continuation of the overall story. It does a decent job recapping what happened previously in story through a flashback of Conrad’s last moments, but even as someone who’s read the rest of the series, I feel like I need to go back and re-read them again for full impact.

| Published by Image / Skybound

Transformers: Lost Light #19 adds a step away from zombie robots to the mix as the series races towards the end. There are a lot of moving parts coming together in James Roberts’ script, plot threads and characters converging from years of storytelling, and the payoff is pretty epic. It’s also really nice to see a return of IDW’s original Transformers artist, EJ Su. It seems fitting as everything starts coming to an end to return to the beginning.

| Published by IDW

Unnatural #1 begins republishing in English Mirka Andolfo’s Contro Natura, which was originally published by Panini in Italian. It’s definitely different for North American markets, but I welcome more translations and more funny animal books. Especially ones as good as Andolfo delivers here. The art is phenomenal and the story, putting forth a society that is oppressive in its reproductive rights, making taboo any number of unions that don’t follow conception, is a much needed one.

| Published by Image

Weapon X #20 continues this transition into a new incarnation of the team. It’s not as hard a break into the new as the solicitations and some of the ads would have you believe, continuing on the story of Omega Red and the Russian mutant death camps, but it’s working towards setting up a new status quo under Sabretooth’s lead. The humour and action from Greg Pak and Fred van Lente is still present, but they’re joined here by Ricardo López Ortiz, just recently having finished an arc on Hit-Girl, who brings a decidedly different verve to the story.

| Published by Marvel

Other Highlights: Ask for Mercy #2, Assassinistas #6, Cloak & Dagger #2, Dungeons & Dragons: Evil at Baldur’s Gate #2, Elephantmen: The Death of Shorty #2, Elvira: Mistress of the Dark #1, Ghostbusters: Crossing Over #4, Go Go Power Rangers #11, Hillbilly #11, Jazz Maynard #12, Jeepers Creepers #3, Jim Henson’s Beneath the Dark Crystal #1, Jimmy’s Bastards #9, Judge Dredd: Under Siege #2, Lowlifes #1, The October Faction: Supernatural Dreams #5, Paper Girls #22, Prism Stalker #5, Pumpkinhead #5, Red Sonja/Tarzan #3, Ruin of Thieves #3, Spawn #287, Spider-Man vs. Deadpool #35, Spidey: School’s Out #3, Star Trek: Discovery - Succession #3, Star Wars #50, Star Wars: The Last Jedi #4, Throwaways #14, Transformers: Bumblebee #1, Vagrant Queen #2, Xerxes #4

Recommended Collections: Animosity - Volume 3: The Swarm, Betty & Veronica: Vixens - Volume 1, Doctor Strange: Damnation, Fear Agent - Volume 2, James Bond - Volume 2: Eidolon, Quantum & Woody! - Volume 1: Kiss Kiss Klang Klang, Rogue & Gambit: Ring of Fire, Scales & Scoundrels - Volume 2: Treasurehearts, Skin & Earth, Sleepless - Volume 1, Spider-Man - Volume 4, Transformers: Wreckers Saga, Witchblade - Volume 1

d. emerson eddy often feels like a stranger in a strange land

[much-ado-about-nothing03]

‘Ragdoll’, Daniel Cole

A body is discovered with the dismembered parts of six victims stitched together, nicknamed the Ragdoll by the media.

Assigned to the shocking case are Detective William Fawkes, recently reinstated to the London Met, and his former partner Emily Baxter.

The ‘Ragdoll Killer’ taunts the police by releasing a list of names to the media, and the dates on which he intends to murder them.

With Six people to save, can Fawkes and Baxter catch a killer? 

⭐⭐

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As a true crime enthusiast I was quite excited to start this book. I had been out with my best friend during the COVID lifting of restrictions browsing through charity shops when I came across ‘Ragdoll’ by Daniel Cole and bought it straight away, for only the price of £2. Anticipating an exciting and scary read I saved the book for a special occasion, unfortunately after all this waiting it did not live up to my expectations. 

About the Author: 

Daniel Cole lives in Bournemouth on the coast of England and at 33 years of age had worked as a paramedic, an RSPCA officer and worked for the RNLI which is, I believe, quite an impressive resume. 

‘Ragdoll’ was Daniels debut novel which had come after five years of rejection and became the first book in a series of three, the sequel titled ‘Hangman’ and the third book titled ‘Endgame’ with another due to release this year. The book was a great success with Cole who had his book published in over 30 countries becoming Sunday Times bestselling author, as well as a TV adaptation in the works.

Therefore my opinion perhaps is unpopular and won’t do any detriment to his reputation.

My Thoughts:

The Positives:)

The concept of the book is imaginative and was ultimately what drew me to it. In my spare time and while I complete art homework I often listen to true crime podcasts and documentaries, my favourite source being the youtuber and podcaster Stephanie Soo (you should check out her videos: (234) Stephanie Soo - YouTube), therefore I have heard of many a gruesome tale however when I read this blurb I was shocked. Never had I come across a case as bizarre as this. Of course I was drawn in, who wouldn’t want be? I have to praise Daniel for this as it is what kept me turning the next page or picking up the book to read the next chapter. 

Another positive to this read were the characters. I found myself laughing at their interactions and continuously intrigued by their relationships between one another. Detective Emily Baxter reminded me off a more outspoken version of Rosa Diaz from Brooklyn 99 and I could constantly relate with her being irritated with the more incompetent or overly ambitious characters such as Edmunds, a character which despite his eagerness holds an undeniable endearment. Although the characters were interesting they were somewhat one dimensional and I wasn’t able to grasp onto one or feel emotion towards any. But maybe I’m just cold and hard to please.

The Negatives:(

I don't know if my standards are high or I’ve just become numb to gruesome events but in my opinion the book wasn’t very...Scary? It’s a thriller and I haven’t read in this genre before but Brian Masters' biography on Dennis Nelson: Killing For Company was more unsettling than this. Which makes sense considering it goes into depth of his murders but I was a bit under whelmed ,not to sound too psychotic, I just thought there would be a focus on the killer and his murders. Furthermore the discovery of the killer was extremely confusing and therefore anti-climatic. Initially (spoiler alert) it seems that a trusted police officer after a long, scary and disappointing career and unsuccessful marriage has gone completely rouge (as well as bat shit crazy) in order to gain brutal justice. However it just seems he made a phone call to sell his soul (but not really) to get someone else to kill a few people, including himself, that he didn’t really want dead and actually quite liked. I know. What?

On top of this I felt a prequel was necessary as the whole situation was ignited by a previous serial killer labelled the ‘cremation killer’ who burnt little girls alive, was captured by previously mentioned ‘trusted police officer’ William Fawkes, was found not guilty at the trial, was then released, killed another little girl, was then arrested and found guilty of being the cremation killer and was finally murdered in prison by the ‘Ragdoll Killer’. I The whole context of this built up the behaviour and situations of many of the characters and without a full narrative of the events something felt missing.

Are you tired of hearing my complaints? Because I am. To briefly summarise the storyline was interesting and the characters were fairly compelling but the language and description used was not breath taking. As well as this the switching of point of view of character was disorientating and i was not extremely impressed with the end reveal.

_____________________________________________________________

But who really cares? If you’ve read it or now want to read it despite my criticisms (or because of them) let me know if you disagree, would love to hear your opinions on this. Despite everything I did want to read it and finish it nor did I ever get so incredibly bored that I stared into space rather than look at the page, but I won’t pick it up to give it another read. 

My next Post will be on ‘Cilkas Journey’ by Heather Morris, writer of ‘The Tattooist of Auschwitz’ which I have just finished reading recently. Looking forward to sharing my thoughts :)

Hope you are having and have had a good week. 

See you soon. 

Eliza Moon *)

[japanessie]

MY FIRST STORY MMA Tour Final The Premium Symphony 2017 in retrospect

On 23rd December 2017, MY FIRST STORY made another milestone by performing at the same venue which was supposed to have been the place where their rival brother band ONE OK ROCK was originally scheduled to perform with Linkin Park in November. Looking at the visuals presented to us so far, it was a roaring success.

Photos by Masanori Fujikawa and Taka Tallman except *

Here are my thoughts .... for my reader who requested. Basically a continuation of what I had said in a previous post before.

1. The stage looks like something inspired by Jules Verne novels combined with the Parthenon. 

That’s impressive!!

Then, similar to OOR, they also used a runway heading out to the audience. OOR normally use this for their acoustic set where the band members would gather together with their instruments. MFS used the end platform for Hiro where the digital piano was mechanically raised from below the stage. For a rectangular concert hall, you have to have this kind of setting for the audience's optimal viewing.

Look at the laser lighting! It was among the elements that worried the s**t out of their boss GEN back in the Shinkiba Studio Coast show because it was expensive. But looks like he’s not worried anymore based on this elaborate display.

Ready to go “Around The World In 80 Days” or “20,000 Leagues Under The Sea”! XD

2. The attendance at Makuhari was higher than the Budokan.

From the TV clips shared by Japanese fans, 18,000 people came compared to 12,000 for the Budokan. Reading through fans' reports, it looked like Blocks A & B were the most packed or the crowds consisted of the hardcore fans. One girl in Block B said she wished she could transfer to Block C where she could breathe.

Looking at the crowd placement, I started to feel doubtful whether choosing a seated ticket for this venue is worth it for someone like me (154cm tall) because unlike the multi-tiered Budokan or the Makuhari Event Hall, the Makuhari Hall 9-11 are flat. They're exhibition Halls after all. How high were the seats raised from the main floor if they were raised at all?

* Photo: Makuhari Messe Hall 9-11 when empty. Making me wish that it had a premium ceiling seat XD

3. It was MFS first attempt at using a full orchestra + a full choir

When they first announced the MMA Tour Final, they said this would be MFS as we had never seen them before. The ALL SECRET TRACKS album obviously had been arranged for this. The Live was not named The Premium Symphony for nothing. To me MFS music from the start has always been heavily layered. It was inevitable that they would arrive at this point.

Photo: The moment the curtain came down. Aaaahhhh!!! That’s 終焉レクイエム (Shuuen Requiem) making its debut everyone \(^^)/

  When MFS did the acoustic set for Itsuwari NEUROSE Final at Shinkiba Studio Coast, my mind actually wondered whether they would one day tackle the violin-cello string arrangements. Would have been slammed with the "OOR copy" moniker big time if they did it back then, wouldn't they? The difference is MFS actually created songs with orchestration right on their album rather than pick a few songs and re-arranged them with a string section for the Live show.

You know what’s beautiful about the above photo? The backup musicians were smiling as they looked at the band members giving it all. Despite the different genres they come from, all artists know passion when they see it.

4. The Surprising setlist :-o

More like shocking to me!

The most striking thing about the setlist is the fact that they had excluded their signature Live songs Second Limit, The Story Is My Life, 最終回STORY and Awake :-o. Seriously?? WTF! You know what this means??! This means they were signalling the beginning of a new era. Up to this point, an MFS show would not be complete without those songs. This is them presenting the fans the new-phase MFS!

The Setlist

1. 終焉レクイエム (Shuuen Requiem) 2. ALONE 3. Black Rail 4. 悪戯フィクション (Itazura Fiction) 5. Missing You 6. REVIVER 7. この世界で一番の幸せ者にはする事など出来ないかもしれないけど... (Kono sekai de ichiban no shiawasesha ni wa suru koto nado dekinai kamoshirenai kedo...) 8. 失踪FLAME (Shissou FLAME) 9. See you again 10. Love Letter 11. monologue 12. 虚言NEUROSE (Itsuwari NEUROSE) 13. LET IT DIE 14. "BOOM" 15. Zero Gravity 16. The Puzzle 17. CHiLD -error- 18. Tomorrowland 19. モノクロエフェクター (Monochrome Effector) 20. 不可逆リプレイス (Fukagyaku Replace)

(Encore)

-Nori Ohtani marriage proposal- EN1. 「花」 -0714- (Hanarenai yo) EN2. Merry Christmas EN3. REVIVER

While I understand their wish to move forward with their music, it's sad for me to see 最終回STORY go because that's the song through which I fell in love with MFS (T_T). 

5. Hiro debuted his piano solo performance

My wish came true \(^^)/! Back in 2014 when MFS released their Taylor Swift remake We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, I told another fan on my friend's MFS FB fanpage that I hoped to see Hiro perform with a piano. 

I guess it wasn't the right timing for it then because it was the time when Hiro was still so heavily criticized and ridiculed as being Taka's copycat. Hiro with a piano onstage would be a bad move a few years ago. Nowadays, the comparison with his famous brother is much kinder as MFS music is speaking for itself more and more. So I think Hiro picked the right time to finally do it.

By the way, Hiro played See You Again solo. For Love Letter, he played solo halfway and then joined by the others. Can’t wait to see these (^^)

6. Hiro’s vocal performance

You see this one coming. My MFS concert commentary wouldn’t be complete without me talking about Hiro’s vocals, would it? True that I wasn’t there at the Hall BUT I have come to the point were I can slowly trust him to nail it around 90 to 95%. While I wasn’t expecting perfection, I know Hiro had worked really hard as he was confident enough to again include the song I directly and openly criticised him for through the band’s social media back in 2016, 失踪FLAME . Though they did not respond to me directly but Hiro did acknowledge on STORYTELLER that the song was hard.

When I saw this visual for 失踪FLAME , I felt good because I knew he still kept his determination to get that song right. I believe he handled it well. He wouldn’t have made this visual display if he couldn’t do the song right, could he (^_-)?

7. Former drummer Masaki came (^^)

Their friendship remains solid and Masaki once again showed that he wouldn't miss his former bandmates' big moment for the world. He tweeted saying it had been awhile since he went to see them, how awesome the show was, apologizing that he was giving an impression of an elementary schoolkid’s excitement and then attached his old photo wearing his underwear with producer Nori with a congratulatory message. Because that’s the only two-shot photo he ever had with Nori XD

8. "Men In Black" (^^)

Who wasn't taken by the fact that the band performed fully in suits? 

I think rather than setting themselves apart from the backup orchestra + choir members, the look they chose tied the whole thing together. The formally attired orchestra + the choir that coloured the overall feel of ALL SECRET TRACKS and their visually impactful LET IT DIE MV from ALL LEAD TRACKS. It was "MFS The Premium Symphony" and not "MFS with some guest musicians for some songs".

Oh, yes. To me Teruki Nishizawa is the most dashing of them all in black suits. They’re all cute guys but Teru actually has that “prep school + white collar” aura which transcends well with that outfit. I don’t think I’m biased at all. Just look.

9. Hiro & Blouson Chiemi

I'm a bit blurry with this one, did he do something like her comedy skit onstage or what? I saw a few Japanese fans mentioning her name along with Hiro’s. Knowing that Hiro likes her, I was hardly surprised. But MFS always edited out extra things like this when the concerts went to DVDs. So, if he ever impersonated any celebrity at all, it probably wouldn't go on the official release (-_-)

But at least we had seen Hiro posing like her during VAMPS Halloween Party 2017 XD

*Photo: From BREAKERZ Daigo’s blog

10. Sho Tsuchiya did not perform with them this time

Though he did appear here and there on the MMA Tour, he did not perform at the Final as I previously had expected. Well, they already played up his surprise appearance to the MAX at the Budokan. Anyway, I'm glad I wasn't at the Budokan because I swear I would have pissed in my pants the moment I saw his face on the screen XD. But it wouldn't have the same impact doing it the 2nd time around, eh? The only way Sho’s re-appearance can top the Budokan is if they actually announce him coming back to them.

* Photo from iTony Entertainment (it’s JMS subsidiary too!)

11. The biggest surprise of the night ..... Nori's getting married!

Their producer Nori Ohtani proposed to his girlfriend and after which, the band launched into their wedding anthem 「花」 -0714- . The fans, including yours truly XD, flooded the band's social media with messages congratulating him and wishing him well.

My thought :

Dating a rock band's manager / producer has its perk, eh? If things go well, you may get an epic marriage proposal with an orchestra, a choir and 18,000 eye witnesses too XD

Overall

One fan commented on IG that after watching the Makuhari show, the Tokyo Dome now doesn't seem like a dream anymore. I agree with her. I mean, if a band or any artist can hold a packed show at a venue like Makuhari Messe, with glowing reports and feedback afterwards, then the Tokyo Dome is not a dream but already a given.

[gadgetgirl71]

Amazon First Reads December 2020

Well its only 23 days till Christmas Day where has the year gone? What frightening is that this months Amazon First Reads are due for release on 1 January 2021. For me and other Amazon Prime Members it’s time to take our pick of this months Amazon First Reads. So if your an Amazon Prime member don’t forget to get your free First Reads Book.

This months choices are:

Domestic Suspense

Lie, Lie Again by Stacy Wise Pages: 366, Publication Date: 1 January 2021

Synopsis: For three women with so much to hide, there’s no such thing as a little white lie…

All three women who live at 1054 Mockingbird Lane have secrets…and with a body at the bottom of their apartment building’s staircase, those secrets need to stay buried.

Sylvia Webb has a plan. And a potential Mr. Right. He’s sweet, simple, and dependably clueless about what she’s up to. The only thing unpredictable about him is his needy ex-girlfriend, who is this close to shattering Sylvia’s dreams. But Sylvia’s not going to let that happen.

Riki McFarlan has a good career and an amazing boyfriend who wants to settle down. If only she didn’t have feelings for her neighbor—who happens to be her close friend’s husband. With everything going so right, why is Riki flirting with something so wrong, so…dangerous?

Embry Taylor is as devoted to her children as she is to her husband, who’s a bartender by night, an aspiring actor by day. She is his biggest fan. But with his career not taking off and tensions high, even sweet Embry has something she’s desperate to keep hidden.

Lies, secrets, and revenge. For three neighbors with stakes so high, someone is headed for a downfall.

Thriller

Bloodline by Jess Lourey, Pages: 347, Publication Date: 1 January 2021

Synopsis: Perfect town. Perfect homes. Perfect families. It’s enough to drive some women mad…

In a tale inspired by real events, pregnant journalist Joan Harken is cautiously excited to follow her fiancé back to his Minnesota hometown. After spending a childhood on the move and chasing the screams and swirls of news-rich city life, she’s eager to settle down. Lilydale’s motto, “Come Home Forever,” couldn’t be more inviting.

And yet, something is off in the picture-perfect village.

The friendliness borders on intrusive. Joan can’t shake the feeling that every move she makes is being tracked. An archaic organization still seems to hold the town in thrall. So does the sinister secret of a little boy who vanished decades ago. And unless Joan is imagining things, a frighteningly familiar figure from her past is on watch in the shadows.

Her fiancé tells her she’s being paranoid. He might be right. Then again, she might have moved to the deadliest small town on earth.

Suspense

Sweet Water by Cara Reinard, Pages: 363, Publication Date: 1 January 2021

Synopsis: What did her son do in the woods last night? Does a mother really want to know?

It’s what Sarah Ellsworth dreamed of. Marriage to her childhood sweetheart, Martin. Living in a historic mansion in Pennsylvania’s most exclusive borough. And Finn, a teenage son with so much promise. Until…A call for help in the middle of the night leads Sarah and Martin to the woods, where they find Finn, injured, dazed, and weeping near his girlfriend’s dead body. Convinced he’s innocent, Sarah and Martin agree to protect their son at any cost and not report the crime.

But there are things Sarah finds hard to reconcile: a cover-up by Martin’s family that’s so unnervingly cold-blooded. Finn’s lies to the authorities are too comfortable, too proficient, not to arouse her suspicions. Even the secrets of the old house she lives in seem to be connected to the incident. As each troubling event unfolds, Sarah must decide how far she’ll go to save her perfect life.

Book Club Fiction

Confessions of a Bookseller by Elizabeth Green, Pages: 483, Publication Date: 1 January 2021

Synopsis: A heartening and uproariously funny novel of high hopes, bad choices, book love, and one woman’s best—and worst—intentions.

Without question, Fawn Birchill knows that her used bookstore is the heart of West Philadelphia, a cornerstone of culture for a community that, for the past twenty years, has found the quirkiness absolutely charming. When an amicable young indie bookseller invades her block, Fawn is convinced that his cushy couches, impressive selection, coffee bar, and knowledgeable staff are a neighborhood blight. Misguided yet blindly resilient, Fawn readies for battle.

But as she wages her war, Fawn is forced to reflect on a few unavoidable truths: the tribulations of online dating, a strained relationship with her family, and a devoted if not always law-abiding intern—not to mention what to do about a pen pal with whom she hasn’t been entirely honest and the litany of repairs her aging store requires.

Through emails, journal entries, combative online reviews, texts, and tweets, Fawn plans her next move. Now it’s time for her to dig deep and use every trick at her disposal if she’s to reclaim her beloved business—and her life.

Romantic Comedy

<The> Marriage Code by Brooke Burroughs, Pages: 379, Publication Date: 1 January 2021

Synopsis: In Brooke Burroughs’s endearing debut novel set in vibrant India, enemies turned allies encounter obstacles in an unexpected multicultural romance only to discover that in the end, love is love.

Emma has always lived her life according to a plan. But after turning down her boyfriend’s proposal, everything starts to crumble. In an effort to save the one thing she cares about—her job—she must recruit her colleague, Rishi, to be on her development team…only she may or may not have received the position he was promised. (She did.)

Rishi cannot believe that he got passed over for promotion. To make matters worse, not only does his job require him to return home to Bangalore with his nemesis, Emma, but his parents now expect him to choose a bride and get married. So, when Emma makes him an offer—join her team, and she’ll write an algorithm to find him the perfect bride—he reluctantly accepts.

Neither of them expect her marriage code to work so well—or to fall for one another—which leads Emma and Rishi to wonder if leaving fate up to formulas is really an equation for lasting love.

Historical Fiction

A Splendid Ruin by Megan Chance, Pages: 347, Publication Date: 1 January 2021

Synopsis: A mesmerizing novel of dark family secrets and a young woman’s rise and revenge set against the backdrop of the devastating 1906 San Francisco earthquake.

The eve of destruction. After her mother’s death, penniless May Kimble lives a lonely life until an aunt she didn’t know existed summons her to San Francisco. There she’s welcomed into the wealthy Sullivan family and their social circle.

Initially overwhelmed by the opulence of her new life, May soon senses that dark mysteries lurk in the shadows of the Sullivan mansion. Her glamorous cousin often disappears in the night. Her aunt wanders about in a laudanum fog. And a maid keeps hinting that May is in danger. Trapped by betrayal, madness, and murder, May stands to lose everything, including her freedom, at the hands of those she trusts most.

Then, on an early April morning, San Francisco comes tumbling down. Out of the smoldering ruins, May embarks on a harrowing road to reclaim what is hers. This tragic twist of fate, along with the help of an intrepid and charismatic journalist, puts vengeance within May’s reach. But will she take it?

Biographical Fiction

Your Story, My Story by Connie Palmen, Pages: 201, Publication Date: 1 January 2021

Synopsis: From the award-winning author of The Friendship comes a shattering, brilliantly inventive novel based on the volatile true love story of literary icons Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes.

In 1963 Sylvia Plath took her own life in her London flat. Her death was the culmination of a brief, brilliant life lived in the shadow of clinical depression—a condition exacerbated by her tempestuous relationship with mercurial poet Ted Hughes. The ensuing years saw Plath rise to martyr status while Hughes was cast as the cause of her suicide, his infidelity at the heart of her demise.

For decades, Hughes never bore witness to the truth of their marriage—one buried beneath a mudslide of apocryphal stories, gossip, sensationalism, and myth. Until now.

In this mesmerizing fictional work, Connie Palmen tells his side of the story, previously untold, delivered in Ted Hughes’s own uncompromising voice. A brutal and lyrical confessional, Your Story, My Story paints an indelible picture of their seven-year relationship—the soaring highs and profound lows of star-crossed soul mates bedeviled by their personal demons. It will forever change the way we think about these two literary icons.

Children’s Picture Book

Scooper and Dumper by Lindsay Ward, Pages: 40, Publication Date: 1 January 2021

Synopsis: Introducing two new vehicles who work together no matter what!

The best of friends, Scooper the front loader and Dumper the snowplow take care of their town in all kinds of weather. One day a snowstorm hits, and the big city needs their help to clear the roads. Each of them must be brave in their own way to get the job done.

This wintry adventure spotlights the ideas of individual strengths, teamwork, and friendship in a vehicle buddy story that boys and girls alike will love.

*** Which book will you choose? I have no idea which book I’ll choose as there a couple of books that interest me this month. ***

#AmazonFirstReads, #Amazonkindle, #AmazonPrimeMembers, #BiographicalFiction, #BookClubFiction, #ChildrensPictureBook, #DomesticSuspense, #HistoricalFiction, #Kindle, #KindleBooks, #RomanticComedy, #Suspense, #Thriller

[emmaswanchoosesyou]

CSBB: Part of the Narrative (10/17)

Emma Swan just wants to write the follow-up to her bestselling debut novel, that’s all. But when she gets off to a rough start with her new editor, Killian Jones, she knows it’s not going according to plan. Then, an unexpected figure from Emma’s past reappears and life begins to mirror the crime thriller she’s penning. Suspicion and secrets abound–but love might too. A writer/editor AU with a thriller twist.

Rated E. Includes sexual content, kidnapping, some gore, and minor character death–not to mention salty language! On Ao3 here.

Chapter warnings: Weeping, feelings, confrontations, and revelations.

Happy Halloweek, have some pain! And more revelations!  Thank you for all the likes and kudos and reblogs that have been cherished and squealed over. Thank you to all the wonderful ladies at @captainswanbigbang for all you’ve done to make this possible, and all the support you’ve given. Sophie @shady-swan-jones made the delightful banner and another photoset that I adore. Kayla @bleebug did some incredible art for the first and sixth chapters, which you can check out here and here. And all the love and thanks to Kris @sambethe for beta-ing this and making it a ton better. Like seriously, she’s the best.

[Ch. 1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9]

Chapter 10

Emma confronts growing suspicions that Regina is hurting Henry. Killian thinks she might wrong and overreacting. When she doesn't handle his reaction well, she runs into Cleo, who has more news to share.

Emma

“Henry? Are you okay?” Emma asked, worried at how quiet the phone had gone.

They had talked three or four times in the past couple of weeks, about every imaginable topic they could--school, their respective interests, tentative things they wanted to do if they had a chance to see each other again. Emma got the impression Regina wasn’t thrilled, but she was just happy to have the opportunity to chat with her son.

The silence continued a few more moments before Henry finally said, “Yeah.”

“What’s wrong?”

He sighed. “Nothing, really. I just feel...weird.”

Emma’s brow furrowed and she paused, trying to decide how to get him to tell her more. “What kind of weird? Are you sick?”

“Cool it, okay?” Emma could practically hear his eyeroll. “I feel fine like that. But you know how I told you when we first met that I feel like somebody’s watching me? I feel like that, but more now.”

She bit her lip. “Is there a reason you think that?” She didn’t want him to be right, but she also really didn’t want him to be wrong either. Being right would be awful, and scary, and she didn’t know what they could do, or how she could protect him.

But if he was wrong, she worried Henry would be upset with her, would think she didn’t believe in him and trust him. Worse, Henry might decide he couldn’t trust her and would push her away. She couldn’t abide that.

“It’s mostly a feeling, but a couple of times I’ve seen the same person waiting outside my school. He never picks up a kid, and he is always gone when I turn to look back,” he said, his voice carefully neutral.

That was worrying, and he didn’t sound completely crazy. It bore looking into, even if there were plenty of explanations for the behavior he was describing.

“That makes sense,” Emma reassured him, “but is there a reason you think they’re watching you?”

“I mean, it makes sense, right? Between Mom’s job and you being famous? And sometimes I think I see them other places too.”

“Oh.” She couldn’t argue with that--she was well-known, even if she loved her privacy, and Regina was pretty damn well-off. Of course, it could be someone watching another kid--acrimonious custody battles were definitely a thing, she’d learned during her stint as a bail bondsperson. Not that it made this any better. “Hmm. Have you talked to Regina about this?”

Henry gave another long pause. “I did once. She told me I was probably imagining things.”

That was worrying.

“Yeah,” Henry said. She couldn’t tell much from his tone, but he seemed to be fishing for some kind of response from her.

If only she knew what that response should be.

“What does this person look like?”

“Well, I think it’s a man. They seem fairly tall, and they always wear a hat. They’re white? And not all that noticeable.”

“Hmm,” Emma muttered.

&&&

"Hey, can we talk?" Emma asked, stepping through the open door of Regina’s large, corner office, the nicest in the building, without waiting for an answer. The floor-to-ceiling windows let in plenty of natural light, which shone warmly on the ornate ash furniture. The room was decorated in whites, greys, and blacks with hints of red throughout, managing to make it look inviting and imposing at the same time. Emma was impressed all over again, even if it was her second time in the office.

Regina looked up from her computer, seemingly unperturbed at Emma’s unannounced intrusion. She was as poised as ever, clad in black and cobalt, not a single hair astray. "Do I have much of a choice? You're here, and you're talking, so...by all means, continue with this undoubtedly deeply important interruption."

Emma clenched her fists, willing herself not to respond to her baiting. "I'm here to talk about something that should interest you. Or someone, rather. Henry."

Taking her hands away from the keyboard and swiveling in her chair to face Emma directly, Regina leaned back in her chair. "Oh?"

"When I was on the phone with him last night, he mentioned something’s been bothering him. He feels like someone is watching him," she said, settling into the uncomfortable visitor's chair across the desk from Regina.

"A lot of people are watching him, Miss Swan. I'm in the running for mayor of the town, and I'm quite well-known. I'm a prominent member of the community, and Henry thus has a correspondingly large number of eyes on him."

"That's not what I meant, and you know it." Emma gritted her teeth.

"No, I don't know what you mean."

Crossing her arms over her chest, Emma continued, "Then let me explain it. Henry feels like someone is watching him. In a hostile, spying-on-him, following-him-home-from-school kind of way."

Regina's lips tightened. "He brought this up to me a few weeks ago."

"I know. He said you brushed him off, telling him you thought he was imagining things."

Regina flipped her hair back over her shoulder. "And maybe that was a poor choice of words and a childish oversimplification on his part. Because he's a child, Ms. Swan. He sometimes sees things that aren't there, and children his age tend to think, on some level, that the world revolves around them. Something you might know if you had ever actually raised a child before."

Her smug tone had Emma's jaw clenching, her teeth grinding. Don't punch your boss, don't punch your boss, Emma silently repeated to herself. Taking a deep breath, she asked, "Did I offend you in some way? I can't think of any reason for you to be so hostile to me. We've made each other a ton of money, and I'm the person who gave birth to your son. I happen to think you've done a decent enough job raising him since he's a pretty polite, interesting kid. I just thought you’d want to hear about the concerning thing Henry told me."

Regina sat back in her chair, her shoulders relaxing as she thawed a little at the positive mention of Henry and her own hand in raising him. "I'm not offended. I have no reason to be offended."

"So it doesn't bother you at all that Henry sought me out?"

It was Regina's turn to clench her jaw. "I'm not thrilled about the manner in which he did so. I would have wholly supported him looking for his birth mother--you--had we done so together, had he not done it behind my back."

"Is there a reason he might have felt it necessary to do that, Ms. Mills?"

Regina narrowed her eyes at Emma’s change from her first name. "I don't like what you're implying."

Emma couldn't resist the taunt, her pride still smarting from Regina’s earlier words. "Oh, I'm not implying anything. I'm saying that I think there's a reason Henry didn't tell you," she said cockily, a smirk tugging at one corner of her mouth.

"Get out," Regina said coldly. Her volume was controlled, but there was no mistaking the fury in her voice. She stayed in her chair, gripping the corner of her desk tightly. "Get out of my office right now."

Emma stood leisurely, exiting the office without looking back.

&&&

“Jacob glanced back over his shoulder, hurrying through the alley. He prayed he could outpace the man following him, that maybe this time his foster parents and Raisa would believe him,” Killian read aloud from her draft on his screen. “But god, what if it was his foster mother? What if she were the one actually responsible for all of this chaos?”

He was sitting next to her on one of the stools at the kitchen island, pushing up the reading glasses that had fallen down his nose. They were working on her latest chapter and polishing off Chinese takeout while they did so. Emma’s heart clenched at the pleasant domesticity of it.

“I’ll never get over how weird it is to hear someone reading the words I wrote,” she said, taking a huge bite of her mapo tofu.

He smiled at her. “I can’t imagine that. Didn’t you read a good deal of it yourself at signings and readings with Bonds of the Past?”

“Sure, but that was just me reading it? Hearing someone else? That’s incredibly strange.”

“It can’t be that odd, especially in my melodious, accented voice,” he said, winking at her.

Emma rolled her eyes, biting back a smile. “You’re ridiculous.”

“You like it Swan, admit it,” Killian teased, his emphasis on each of the “t” sounds getting her hotter than any elocution had the right to.

“I might,” she said, staring at the way his tongue waggled at the corner of his mouth. Seriously, it was unfair.

He took a long drink of his watered down old fashioned, the ice having long since melted. “Then I shouldn’t have to tell you that it’s probably mutual.”

Her face reddened, and she bit her lip. “Then it won’t be too forward of me to ask you to stay over tonight?”

The warmth in his eyes turned hotter, his eyes darkening. He cleared his throat and replied gruffly, “I’d be honored to.”

“Honored? What are you, three hundred?”

“What I am is a gentleman,” he said, waggling an eyebrow at her before he sighed and looked back at the document on his screen. “A gentleman who is probably going to regret saying this, but we should finish looking over this chapter.”

Emma grimaced but nodded. “Work first, play later? Fine, fine, be responsible like that.” She looked wistfully at the page count, realizing they were only halfway through the chapter.

She really wanted to take him to bed. They’d been dating for about a month and a half, and Emma couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt this hard up. She definitely hadn’t waited this long since she was a teenager, and she half-regretted suggesting they take it slow.

It had been going slowly, all right. Too slowly. Honestly, she was shocked she hadn’t jumped him when he’d come in the door earlier, looking adorably earnest and unbearably attractive in his black jeans and black and muted purple floral button-up.

Killian took off his glasses and scratched behind his ear. “I’m probably going to hate myself for this later, but you might not want to extend that invitation once I say this.”

“Oh god, editorial bullshit I’m not going to like.” Her face remained impassive and her voice light, but her shoulders tightened at his words.

“Unfortunately.”

She sighed. “Well, let’s hear it, then. Let’s get this over with.”

He hesitated. “I…I don’t think you’ve really established a good motive for the foster parents’ culpability with Jacob. Why would they do it when they’re already acting as his guardians? It just seems unlikely to me.”

Okay, that’s annoying, she thought, trying to bring back the calm she’d felt a couple minutes before. “You don’t think I’ve established how shady they are?”

“You’ve talked about them being shady, but haven’t given much evidence or textual support for it beyond it being a feeling Jacob has,” Killian said, sounding apologetic. He was clearly feeling the pain of the tentative balance of their professional and personal relationships, and she might have felt badly, if he weren’t completely wrong. “But they are guilty of it. Can’t you just wait and see how it plays out over the next couple of chapters?”

He leaned back in his chair. “I’m just trying to make your book as good as it can be. I do have faith in your ability to get the reader there, just…this is the process.”

Emma felt a rush of irritation surge through her. “It might be the process, but I’m pretty damn sure it’s obvious they’re shitty parents. I would think you of all people would understand the need to trust the protagonist. Just because he’s a kid doesn’t mean the adults around him shouldn’t believe him. Or that the reader won’t.”

He paused, seeming to consider his words carefully. “Are you sure this is about the chapter? I’m starting to think this might be about something else, something closer to home.”

At that, she deflated, her burgeoning rage dissipating. Averting her eyes, she twiddled her chopsticks. After a few moments, she finally nodded. "I--well, there might be some stuff going on with Henry."

"What kind of stuff?" He reached out and took her hand, and her heart clenched.

"The kind of thing where he thinks someone is following him and has decent reasons to think so. But Regina doesn't believe him, and she blew me off when I tried to bring it up with her."

"Ah."

Chancing a peek at Killian, she saw he was avoiding her gaze. "What does 'ah' mean?"

He bit his lip before answering. "Keeping in mind that I don't know all the particulars and haven't had a good deal of time to think about it…I can think of several reasons that might be. And don't you think that--and this is me inferring from what I read from your chapter--that suspecting Regina of some kind of involvement in this is rather ludicrous? You might be overreacting."

She saw red. "Ludicrous?! Overreacting?!"

He didn't seem to notice, or at least acknowledge, her increased agitation. "Well, as I mentioned, why? Why would she do such a thing, Swan?"

"Oh, gee, maybe it could have something to do with my sudden appearance in Henry's life. If he was really happy with her, do you think he would have sought me out?" Emma bit out, unable to keep the sarcasm from her tone.

"Don't you think that's a bit…self-serving, love? I can think of plenty of reasons Henry might have sought you out even if he was 100% thrilled with his relationship with Regina. After all, you seem happy now, but wouldn't you like to at least know your parents?" Killian kept his tone even as he said this, but all it did was serve to further infuriate Emma.

"You were right, I don't want to hear this. And I don't want you to stay over tonight."

He looked at her, brow furrowed in worry. "Do you…are we okay?"

For the second time that night, she slumped back in her chair. "I…I think we will be. I'm just really fucking furious right now and don't want to look at you."

"You want me to leave."

"That's about the size of it."

Killian put his glasses away and closed his laptop, placing it into his messenger bag. He stood slowly and went over to where she was still seated, leaned over and pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead. "Very well, Emma. You know where to find me."

She sighed. "Yeah. I'll call you tomorrow?" Suddenly sounding unsure, she reached for his hand and squeezed it before pressing a kiss of her own to it.

"I'd love that," he said, smiling sadly as he walked to the door.

But Emma didn't respond. Lost in thought, she didn't acknowledge his departure.

&&&

Emma slowly dragged herself out of bed the next morning. She hadn’t slept well and now had a crick in her neck, the product of having spent most of the night tossing and turning.

And she was embarrassed. She had, in fact, overreacted the previous night. Slightly. As far as she was concerned, Killian was still mostly wrong, but he’d brought up the topic in as diplomatic and tactful way as he could. Like a reasonable adult in a grown-ass relationship…something she just wasn’t used to.  

Once she fortified herself with caffeine--coffee, she didn’t deserve hot chocolate--and made herself presentable, she would go to Killian, and they could talk it over. She’d heard a rumor once that that’s what adults did when they disagreed with someone they cared about, and she was willing to give it a shot.

She stepped into the bathroom and grimaced at the reflection in the mirror of her snarled, disheveled hair and blotchy face. (So she might have cried a little after Killian left, what of it?) Okay, so maybe she’d have to push back the timeframe for the day a little, the whole “making herself presentable” portion was going to take longer than she’d like.

Emma was going to need breakfast. And, she could admit to herself, moral support. She brushed her teeth and took a quick shower, throwing on a simple outfit that was comfortable, reassuring, and still cute. The flowing material of the tunic was soft, and the leggings tucked into the boots provided that edge of familiarity she needed for what was sure to be a trying day.

Eggs, bacon, and humble pie were on the menu.

&&&

She slid into her favorite booth, the smell of coffee, grease, and breakfast food in general making her feel at home and soothing her anxiety. Granny’s may not be fancy, but it was as unmistakably her as a place could get.

That sense of well-being deepened when a small whirlwind moved across the diner and into the seat across from her with astonishing speed. The expensive perfume she wore was at odds with the casual environment, and the heels too high and the outfit a tad too tailored, but Belle’s presence was always a welcome one in Emma’s book.

The artfully arranged curls framed a small, delicately beautiful face, and her blue eyes peered at Emma with concern.

God, she wasn’t going to cry just from Belle giving her that caring, motherly look. She wasn’t.

“Ruby will be out in just a second. She had to check on some things with the dairy supplier,” Belle said, fiddling with the wedding ring that matched the one on Ruby’s hand. “But how are you?”

Despite her earlier admonition, Emma’s eyes welled with tears. “I’m fine.”

The only response she got was a doubtful glance and a raised eyebrow that challenged her to continue.

“Okay, maybe I’m not fine,” she admitted.

Ruby arrived then and silently poured three full mugs of coffee. “You’re obviously not fine, Emma. You’d never text me before ten in the morning if you were.”

Emma looked up at her blearily. “Point made,” she said, and Belle and Ruby exchanged a look.

“What can I get you, sweetie?” Ruby asked. “I could even do a grilled cheese if that'll help.”

“No, but thank you. Maybe some waffles? And some advice and a hug?”

“We can do that.”

In a startlingly short period of time, she was polishing off her plate of waffles. Ruby sat next to her, arm draped over her shoulders, while Belle sat across from them, listening intently as Emma filled them in on the previous day’s happenings.

“It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Metaphorically, that is,” Belle commiserated.

Emma sighed. “Yeah. I just…did I mess things up with Killian? Am I totally off base with the whole Henry and Regina situation?”

Ruby tightened her grip on her. “No, I don’t think so. From what you said, Killian seemed fine last night. Sad, but okay with you needing a little space. And with Regina and Henry…you need to follow your instincts. You’ve always had good ones. Remember that doctor I went out with a couple times? You totally called it with how weird he turned out to be.”

“Rubes, no one could have guessed that he would be into experimenting on dead bodies.”

Belle turned to her wife, intrigued. Ruby just shrugged. “Sure, but not even Granny tried to stop me from dating him.”

“That’s because every time she told you not to do something, you just…intensified the thing,” Emma said.

“Still, points to you. Just take what you can get, Emma.”

“I will. For starters, another hug?”

Both Ruby and Belle obliged, embracing her tightly and packing her a large takeaway bag full of a pie Ruby had made for the diner along with cookies Belle had made that morning.

Heart and arms fuller, she made her way home. Arriving at her apartment she was startled to see a familiar face outside her door--Cleo.

&&&

Emma stared at Cleo, confused. She had rarely--if ever--seen her outside of work or work-related events, and she was a little puzzled to find her outside of her apartment. For starters, how did she even know where she lived?

Belatedly and somewhat superfluously, she realized that Cleo had access to her HR files, which was probably how she learned her address. But that still didn't answer why she was here.

Cleo met her eyes wordlessly, looking more torn and indecisive than Emma had ever seen her. Her hair wasn't in its usual orderly, business-like ponytail, and she wasn't wearing her usual carefully tailored leather or wool. She was wearing jeans and a baggy sweatshirt, her hair was wild and wavy, and she looked as exhausted as Emma felt.

Emma's stomach clenched, sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. Finally, she spoke, stepping towards her front door. "Uh, hi, Cleo. What's up…on a Saturday? Outside my apartment?"

Cleo grimaced. "We need to talk. Can we go inside?"

"Yikes, that phrase doesn't usually lead to good things," Emma said, motioning her inside and leading her to the couch. She sat at one end and Cleo at the other, neither looking at the other.

"I wish I could say this would be an exception, but I can't imagine this conversation will be fun. Or easy."

Emma tilted her head, considering. "Okay, well, would you like some coffee first? Or tea? I can get you a slice of pie, too."

"That…sounds good."

Emma carefully cut the pie while the coffee brewed, the gurgling of the percolator the only sound in the apartment. As soon as it was prepared, Emma brought out their mugs and pie and rejoined Cleo on the couch.

She cleared her throat, unsure of how to begin. "So..."

"August has been spying on you," Cleo blurted out.

"What?" Whatever she'd been expecting, that hadn't been it. She put down her mug, splashing some of the coffee on herself. She winced, but made no motion to get anything to clean it off her top.

"He's been digging for information on you, colluding with at least one other person. For reasons I can't entirely figure out."

"The fuck? What? Spying on me? With another person? And uh, how do you know this?" She stared at Cleo, her mouth gaping open.

Cleo's mouth twisted. "August has been giving all this information he's gotten about you to a woman. I'm not entirely sure who. I’ve heard them on the phone, her voice sounds familiar, but..."

"Shit."

"Yeah."

Emma sat there, stupefied. She didn't get it. August had brought her into the publishing house, making it possible for her to not have an agent. He'd essentially acted as one for her, providing a mutually beneficial professional relationship that been good for both of them. She would have probably answered any relevant questions he might have. So what the hell was he asking?

"I don't know what to say."

"I'm sorry, Emma. I didn't want to burst in on your Saturday, but I thought you needed to know. And I'm afraid that's not the worst of it," Cleo said, looking truly apologetic.

"What could be worse than that?"

"The person August was using to get a lot of that information, at least for a while, was Killian."

Fuck.

Emma wasn't sure how to process the information Cleo had just given her. She had sat motionless while Cleo told her how she'd gotten the information and what had tipped her off that something might be wrong with the entire scenario. It had seemed pretty clear.

She just didn't get why.

"Jones seems to have been involved initially because August expedited his immigration to the US. He could have gotten it done otherwise, but he seemed to want to get out of England fast, and August somehow made that possible," Cleo explained.

"How? I wouldn’t have thought August had much pull with any sort of governmental organization. He's good at marketing and making connections, but Regina is the one at Mills & Booth with the ties to deep pockets and the power players."

Cleo looked at her sympathetically, taking in the lost and confused expression on Emma's face. "Well, I can postulate he's made some connections that might help. And the money seems to have come from his silent--or rather, unseen--partner."

Emma sighed. "Who might actually be Regina."

"It could be, yes, but I don't know for sure," said Cleo.

"Jesus. Just...why? Wouldn't it have been easier to just ask me stuff?"

"Would you have told him? You're not the most forthcoming, and I'll be honest, I don't know whether August's motive is personal or professional. All I know is that he asked Jones for as much information as he could get about you, from personal stuff to what you were working on with your novel."

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Emma chewed on her thumbnail while she considered everything Cleo told her. "So Killian told him everything? Everything I've been telling him for the last few months?"

"I'm not sure," Cleo replied carefully. "What I can tell you is that Killian seems to have stopped providing any information about a month or so ago. At that point, he functionally ceased communication with August beyond the usual professional progress updates you'd expect." She hesitated before continuing. "I'm sorry. I know you two were getting closer."

"We've been dating for the last month and a half, basically," she said bluntly.

Cleo winced. "That…I don't really know how to say much beyond 'I’m sorry', but I can't help but think you'd want more of an explanation from Killian than from me."

"Yeah," Emma said, pushing aside her growing pain and swelling rage, "I do want to confront Killian. But what about August? Do I ask him? Do I tell him? Hell, can I sue him?"

Averting her eyes, Cleo shook her head. "I'd wait until I knew more, if I were you. I have to say that I might not have acquired all of my information through the most straightforward or, uh, legal methods."

Emma let out a startled laugh. "I never would have guessed, Cleo."

She smiled sadly. "There's a lot you don't know about me."

"I guess there's a lot all of us don't show each other," Emma mused, a storm raging inside her as she finally realized how much Killian had hidden from her.