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lilimonarch · 1 year

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Doctor Hanahaki - I can't be your friend, can't be your lover. [5]

Doctor Hanahaki

Chapter 5

WC: 5677

Bokuto dreams of his perspective of the story, the rejection which broke Akaashi's heart is more than what it appears.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/47404093/chapters/126963931

Bokuto was 18 when it happened.

Bokuto was putting the volleyballs away after practice when he finally admitted it to himself. There was a boy who he adored with his entire being, from the way he twiddled his fingers as a pastime to the half-smirk he would give their opponents across the net, and how he made Bokuto's day so much brighter by simply being present. Bokuto did not hate to admit it, knowing fully well it was nothing but the truth. He was in love with his setter, his vice-captain, his world.

More so, it appeared Bokuto hated how long it took for him to realize his feelings for Akaashi.

He remembers the words he told Akaashi vividly, words now laced with regret and sorrow. I'm not going to date anyone until I'm retired. He remembers, as he locked up the club room and started making his way home alone. That was the last night Akaashi was healthy, without the mysterious disease people called Hanahaki. That was the last night Bokuto saw Akaashi's real smile.

Bokuto was not sure how much in love he was with Akaashi. He loved Akaashi with all his heart! He also loved volleyball, and his mom, and barbecue! He also remembers loving a cartoon he watched when he was younger, though he would not say he loved it like all the others. He loved Akaashi, present tense. He loved that cartoon, past tense.

He hoped to whatever god was up in the sky, that he would never say he loved Akaashi, past tense.

God, if Akaashi were here, he would make these feeling so much easier to understand. Bokuto thought to himself as he opened the door to his home to change. He could go see Akaashi, or whatever was left of the former Fukurodani setter at the hospital. Akaashi was still with him.

A pit of worry filled Bokuto's stomach as he came to terms with his crush. Did he like Akaashi or did he love Akaashi? Did he love Akaashi enough to love-love him? What was the difference between like-liking someone and love-loving someone? Why couldn't Akaashi just get better?

Why am I afraid?

Bokuto changed into a new shirt and pants, bringing with him a friendship bracelet making kit his sisters never used. He would put it to much better use than either of them ever would. Bokuto had to be strong for Akaashi, because in this moment, Akaashi needed a friend to stand by.

There it was; that's why he was afraid.

Bokuto had concluded this as he asked the receptionist for a visitor sticker. Akaashi was at a pivotal moment in his life, a moment which could change everything. Akaashi needed a support system, Akaashi deserved a support system. Akaashi deserved a best friend to hold him when he was coughing petals, recovering from surgeries, running on low oxygen.

Bokuto dwelled on the emails and calls filling up his phone. Scouts from colleges and teams wanted to recruit Bokuto as a player for a hefty paycheck, one he and his family could only imagine. It was his dream slowly coming true, everything he had ever worked for was just within reach. Bokuto could almost smell it, the air in professional gyms while playing with top volleyball players in the country, the world! Busy practices from dawn till dusk, team dinners and dives at the bar. A busy life, his dream.

That's why he was afraid. Akaashi deserved someone who was going to be there for him, and Bokuto was slowly coming to terms with the fact that the special person needed to be there, and he couldn't. Bokuto loved/liked Akaashi (he still couldn't decide which one), but he couldn't. Akaashi Keiji was a crush, not the love of his life. One day, they would both find someone else to love.

He never wanted to hurt Akaashi.

Bokuto took a deep breath, plastering a cheerful smile on his face as he walked in the hospital room. Opening his mouth to give his signature greeting, he stopped as he saw Akaashi with a breathing mask rather than just the tubes he had grown used to over the past few months. Akaashi waved him over as Bokuto sat down on the edge of the bed, mentioning the friendship bracelets.

Akaashi was his best friend, Bokuto could tell him all of his worries, because Akaashi cared about him.

"I'm graduating soon and to be honest, I'm a bit nervous," Bokuto let out a small chuckle, doing his best to fill the room with conversation, knowing fully well Akaashi didn't have the energy to start a discussion. "There's a college in Tokyo that's really interested, wants to give me a full scholarship for volleyball. I'm getting calls from South Korea too, but I think I want to stay in Japan," Bokuto mentioned, stringing the blue beads into the string. A part of him hoped Akaashi would have enough energy to also make a bracelet, but it appeared not. That was alright; Bokuto was simply happy to still have Akaashi in his life. "I'm not too sure what I want to study if I go to college, maybe sports medicine. Not teaching, I'd be awful at that. There are some teams that want to pull me straight out of high school, but I get scared... you know? If I get injured on the court, I'll have no backup plan-"

"Bokuto." That was the first time Akaashi had spoken that day, Bokuto's eyes lighting up at his voice, although weak and slightly hoarse. A reminder Akaashi was still there, he supposed. "The doctors said... there's a new surgery to help me."

Bokuto was beaming, elated, jumping up with excitement. "Well, then what are you waiting for! Then, you'll be better! We can hang out at your house again and maybe even play volleyball together again! This is great, Akaashi!" Akaashi seemed nervous, Bokuto was not sure the reason.

"It's in America."

"It's... what?"

Bokuto watched as Akaashi managed to nod slowly, eyes widening as Akaashi reached for one of the basins near his bed, coughing up bloodied petals before immediately putting the oxygen mask on and leaning into his bed. "They are going to bring me to California for it, and one of the side effects... is amnesia."

His heart had been healed and broken again within 30 seconds. Bokuto let out a nervous chuckle, trying to break the tension in the room. Amnesia? "How bad of amnesia? Are we talking I can't remember what I had for breakfast amnesia or..." He couldn't imagine it, no, he refused to imagine a world where Akaashi could not remember. Yet, he knew. No matter how much Bokuto wanted to deny it, he knew.

"Bad, really bad amnesia."

Bokuto sighed, trying to gather his thoughts as he lifted up the finished friendship bracelet, slowly slipping the bracelet with his name Bokuto spelt in beads onto Akaashi's wrist, much smaller than he was used to. "But you will be alive. Perfect that I made this then, so you won't forget about me!"

It was at that moment, Bokuto decided he could not love Akaashi. For either of their sake's.

"Bokuto." Akaashi murmured, Bokuto slowly reaching out as Akaashi's dull blue eyes pooled with tears. It broke Bokuto's heart to see Akaashi cry, it wasn't fair. Is he feeling sick? Sad? God, what Bokuto would do just for Akaashi to feel better. I wish I could just take away your pain, I can deal with it for you. None of those words escaped his mouth, only forever trapped in his mind. "There's something... I need to tell you."

"Yeah, go on 'Kaashi."

"I'm in love with you."

Really? I love you too! I think I do, at least. Well, no- actually... I do love you. Sorry 'Kaashi, I'm so nervous. It's like- whenever I see you, I get this warm honey feeling inside because I go "Wow, Akaashi is here! That means I'll be okay!" But to be honest, I've never really been in love, so I don't know if it's supposed to be like this or if I actually just really care for you as a friend. God, I'm screwing this up big time, but I love you. Okay? I think I do; I think that's what love is. Oh my god, I'm so embarrassing. Yes? Yes, I love you too? Yes, can we be boyfriends? I like that idea a lot actually.

None of those words came out of his mouth, his heart was pounding as he could feel his face shift into dreaded fear. He loved Akaashi, really, so why couldn't he say yes? Why did Bokuto only have the strength to run away from his problems, the way he always did. "I-I'm sorry, Akaashi," his voice was a stammering mess as his own tears started to bubble up their presence. The voice in his bed was begging him to change the way he handled this, but Bokuto was too broken to listen. He only had the strength to run away. "I think- I think I should go."

With that, tears poured down his face. Bokuto ran out of the hospital room, running outside and into the streets, not even noticing the raindrops hitting him in the early evening. Tears upon tears clouded his vision while emotions clouded his judgement. Bokuto continued to run before landing on the doorstep of the only other person he could confide in.

He had a slight feeling he had messed up, big time.

Out of breath and soaked as thunder roared in the background, Bokuto stumbled as he knocked on the door, trembling as he tried to contain his sobs. Knock, knock, knock, Bokuto knocked on the door, trying to rub away the tears. What have I done?

"Hello- holy shit. Bokuto?" The other third year opened the door, Bokuto just standing in the rain before Konoha let out a small sigh, stepping to the side. "Nobody's home, just me. Come on in, or-" his words were interrupted as Bokuto just neared him, quickly wrapping his arms around the other boy, desperately needing a hug. "God, Bo... you're so cold. What'd you do, run a marathon in this weather?" Konoha shook his head, shutting the door behind them.

Bokuto sniffled a bit, still attempting to gather his thoughts. "You're... not too far off," he let out a small laugh, simply flopping onto the couch and covering his face with his hands. "I just... I messed up, man. I need your advice, or just someone to talk to." He bet he looked pathetic, depressing, and it wasn't fair since he was the one who rejected Akaashi. Why was he upset over it?

"Well, you're here now and I'm here to listen," Konoha also sat down on the couch, getting comfortable, knowing they would be here for a while.

A while, a long while. Bokuto spilled his heart's content and extra, all his inner feelings and turmoil, his realization at practice ruined by his overthinking. The hospital visits, the confession; Bokuto had a feeling he was much more than rambling now. It might've been an hour of Bokuto just talking... just talking. Bokuto was sobbing, his words were muffled but his cries, but Konoha still listened.

"There, so what can I do?" Bokuto looked up, a slight concern as he saw the most shocked expression on Konoha's face. "Oh my god... don't look at me like that."

Konoha shook his head. "Dude... when you say you messed up, I did not think of this. This is some- this is," he was speechless; Bokuto did not blame him one bit. "Holy shit, Bokuto."

"Come on, you always know what to say. Go on, please," Bokuto was pleading.

"First of all, you're a fucking idiot for running here from the hospital in the rain. You probably weren't thinking, I don't blame you one bit. I'm just saying, you have scouts coming to every one of our games for the rest of the year and the last thing you want is to get sick. I'm just trying to look after you," Konoha sighed, nearing Bokuto and laying a hand on his shoulder. "Second of all, do you love Akaashi? I want a one-word answer, Bo. No overcomplicating it, I just need to know if it's yes or no. We can work out the details later."

Bokuto knew the answer. He would never say no, not when he felt like this. He loved Akaashi, he realized that now. Knowing he loved Akaashi seemed to be the easy part if anything. "Yeah," Bokuto slowly nodding, attempting to slow the tears pouring down his face. "I do love him."

Konoha nodded. "Alright, do you love volleyball?"

"What?" Bokuto was clearly confused, raising an eyebrow at the off-topic question. "Of course, I do! I want to play volleyball for the rest of my life!" Bokuto always got excited when someone brought up volleyball, a way to lighten his mood. "Like you just said, scouts are coming. I'm so close to getting picked, I can feel it."

Konoha nodded. "Alright then, more on that later," the lighthearted tone in the room quickly went dark, Konoha moving so he could directly face his captain. "Why did you run away?"

Why did you run away?

"Akaashi deserves better." He said it within a heartbeat, clenching his fists as he tried to avoid eye contact. "Akaashi is sick, Konoha. He's sick and I don't know if he'll get better. Akaashi deserves someone who will look after him, take care of him the way he takes care of me. Akaashi is an amazing person, and I think he needs someone who will be there. His special someone..." Bokuto sucked in a breath, hitched with sobs. "His special someone isn't me, Konoha."

Konoha frowned, wrapping his arms around Bokuto. They were getting closer to the point he was trying to make. Konoha was odd with advice, the entirety of Fukurodani knew that. Konoha had a weird way with words, hard to find the best way to say the words, but deep down, Konoha always knew what to say... just not how to say it. Konoha stepped up when Akaashi went down physically and Bokuto went down mentally. Bokuto appreciated his entire being now more than ever.

"Bokuto... If Akaashi told you to choose between him and your volleyball career, what would you pick?"

It was an immediate answer. "He wouldn't." Bokuto shook his head. "Akaashi knows how much I love volleyball, and he wouldn't make me choose."

Konoha nodded. "So, what would he say instead?" A slight pause. "Come on, Bo. Akaashi knows you like the back of his hand and you know him the same. What would he say?"

Bokuto brightened a bit. "Akaashi would tell me that I should follow my passion, and he would still be there for me because..."

In that moment, Bokuto could see his future. His Japanese team jersey, standing on the court at the Olympics, waving to the crowd and doing his entry dance. In the front row, he could see Akaashi, waving with the brightest smile on his face.

I love you, Bokuto!

"Because he loves me." In his future, Bokuto could see Akaashi smiling so brightly, dressed in fan gear, and cheering, a golden wedding band on his finger. The words repeated in his head over and over again.

I love you, Bokuto!

"He loves me."

"Exactly!" Konoha pat him on the back, a small smirk on his face. "He loves you for who you are, and you love him. Okay? Don't go on with that he deserves better crap because it'll just fall into place. He wants you, and you make him so happy. Got it? The future is so far away, worry about today and today, you need to tell someone you love him." It was the same slap you gave a teammate on the field when they were off their game, the same touch which screamed get up, you're fine, we're still here to fight another day.

Bokuto got up with more determination than ever before, that excited bubbly feeling when he was over a mood, an unrivaled determination. "Yeah," he looked out the window, watching as the skies started to clear. "I got to go tell him. Thanks, Konoha." He grinned, starting to go to the door.

Konoha shook his head, Bokuto turning to see Konoha picking up his keys. "If you think you are running to the hospital from here when the roads are wet, you're out of your mind." Konoha swung his keys around, making that signature jingling sound. "Need a ride?"

"He's not here anymore."

Bokuto stared in disbelief at the receptionist, Konoha beside him (just as shocked as he was.) "No, that's not right. He was just here; I was with him an hour ago. I have clearance for visits, Bokuto Koutarou. You checked me in earlier today, remember?" His heart was pounding in his chest.

"Yes, I recall. He is no longer a patient at this hospital, it says he's been relocated," the woman stated before continuing to type at her computer. Bokuto shook his head, that was impossible. How could Akaashi leave so urgently? How could he?

America.

Bokuto reached for his phone, trying to call or message Akaashi. No answer, no sign of him even reading the messages. He didn't know how to contact his mom, panic starting to well up in his throat. No, no, no! This can't be, he can't just leave to the other side of the world right now!

"Bokuto?" Konoha grabbed his arm, a horrified expression as he saw the sheer panic on Bokuto's face. "Bo, what's going on?" Bokuto laughed through the tears, looking insane in hysteria, Konoha turning his captain so the boy could face him completely. "Bokuto? Bo? Koutarou, what's going through your head right now?"

Bokuto shook his head, leaving the receptionist's desk and heading outside, sitting on the curb outside the hospital. The post-storm golden rays did nothing to lighten his mood as he covered his face again, hoping it would muffle the sobs. "I'm never going to see 'Kaashi again."

Bokuto was awoken by the harsh coughs rattling his throat as the spring sun hit him in the face. He sat up in a panic, clutching his chest before reaching into the bin by his bed, spitting out bloody cherry blossoms. Well, that's one way to start the day, Bokuto shook his head, wiping his mouth and letting out another cough into his hand, only showing blood. No petals, just the crimson liquid he'd grown all too familiar with. Every cough brought a harsh poking feel in his airway, Bokuto frowning. Huh, that's new, Bokuto slowly got up and washed his hands in the bathroom, gazing into his awful reflection. It's been months, yet no improvement.

Bokuto saw the awful dark circles under his eyes from the constantly interrupted sleep, not to mention just how sunken he looked. Most of his signature muscle that he was praised for when he was in his prime was gone, just like that. Progressive Hanahajou, Akaashi told him. Most likely ending in death, whether it be by suffocation or the thorns penetrating him so be bled out, unless he got over who he held feelings for.

Right, Akaashi. It was always Akaashi since day one, forever and aways.

One would think Bokuto would have moved on, but no. At 38 years old, a volleyball retiree who's successful enough to live a decent life without a job, was most likely months away from his own funeral. At least Akaashi is back in my life, a morbid thought as Bokuto moved to the living room. He didn't go out much anymore, especially with all the flowers starting to bloom in the springtime. Personally, he wasn't as bothered by the blossoms as he thinks he should be, though Akaashi said staying inside was the best thing for his mental and physical health.

Bokuto knew Akaashi would come by later with groceries, something Bokuto was so thankful for. It seemed as if it was ages ago, seeing Akaashi for the first time since he left, but it was a few months now. So much can change in just a few months, Bokuto sighed, taking (or trying to) a deep breath as he sat on the couch. He had been seeing Akaashi every other week as a patient now, and the doctor would stop by with groceries every week, and they would share messages occasionally.

Bokuto still was not sure if this new Akaashi liked him even slightly as a friend, but as long as the male was somewhat in his life before he died, Bokuto did not mind. Bokuto never had inner monologues like this, maybe it was him coming to peace with his fate.

A few knocks at the door. "Bokuto?" His head lifted up as he recognized the voice. Akaashi! The best part of his day. Bokuto eagerly goes to open the door, almost forgetting he's still in his pajamas from just having woken up.

"Hey, Akaashi. Again, thanks so much," Bokuto smiles and helps with the bags as much as he can, though Akaashi insists he is fine with lifting them on the counter himself. It reminds Bokuto of his weakness; there was once a time he knew he could carry Akaashi and all the bags at once. A small smile crept onto Akaashi's face, Bokuto raising an eyebrow. "What's so funny?"

Akaashi chuckled a bit as he set some of the bags on the counter, starting to take out the groceries and put them away. "Nothing..." Akaashi looked away, a sly smirk on his face. Bokuto couldn't stop himself from blushing; that was the same smirk his high school setter would make on the court all those years ago. "I just didn't take you for a duck-pajama person."

Right... Bokuto looked down and there he was, his shirt and pants absolutely covered in a pattern full of ducks. "I'll tell you; ducklings are very respectable birds to have printed on my pajamas," Bokuto smiled a bit, attempting to clear his throat. "I just got up, actually."

Akaashi's face contorted into one of concern immediately. 'Kaashi, your doctor side is showing. "Bokuto, what do you mean you just got up? It's... 5:30 pm." Right, and Bokuto knew he shouldn't be wrecking his sleep schedule when he was like this.

"Couldn't sleep, coughs get bad. It keeps me up," if Akaashi could remember, Bokuto knew Akaashi knew how awful Hanahaki was when you were trying to sleep. At the ungodly hours of a day, all you do is think about your special someone, thinking about the person you can never have does not help with the unrequited love disease whatsoever. "I'm trying to sleep, it's just... hard."

Akaashi frowned and nodded. "I struggle with sleep sometimes too. Not on your level, of course. Insomnia is the devil," Akaashi finished with the groceries, Bokuto only then realizing he had not helped much with putting them away. This was his house! Was he really that zoned out? Was he really that weak? "I could try sleeping pills, I'll send the order to the pharmacy tomorrow." Again, his doctor was showing.

A doctor: Bokuto never would have guessed. The last time he talked to Akaashi, he dreamed of being into literature. Editing, storytelling, in Japanese and wanting to learn English. Akaashi always had the capability to become a doctor... though it appeared the surgery altered more than just his memories.

"Akaashi?"

"Yes, Bokuto?"

Bokuto wasn't sure what he was doing, or why he was doing this. It was stupid, Akaashi didn't even remember Bokuto from before, let alone the fact that he loved him. "Are we... friends?" He instantly regretted the question, letting out a harsh cough as he let the petals fall into the sink.

Akaashi looked so surprised by the sudden question, but there was a genuine glint of hope in his blue eyes. How Bokuto adored Akaashi's blue eyes! "Yes," Akaashi nodded, helping Bokuto into one of the stools in the kitchen as the coughing fit continued. "Yes, Bokuto. We are friends."

"Can I show you a video?" Bokuto shook his head, but the intrusive thought slipped out of his mouth before he could control it. After all, people in love make stupid decisions. "Of me before I was... like this." Bokuto tried to make it light-hearted, still internally cursing at himself for bringing it up. "I want to show you because... you are my friend and friends, tell each other things."

Akaashi raised an eyebrow before nodding, pulling out a stool and sitting beside Bokuto as the taller male pulled out his phone. Bokuto searched in the cloud, a video dated to his senior year of high school. He had to be careful, to pick one of the videos without Akaashi in it. Despite him wanting nothing more than Akaashi to remember his past, Akaashi made a choice to leave it behind and no matter the reason, Bokuto would respect it. Finally settling on a video, he vividly remembers Akaashi was the one recording, his name never being spoken.

He watched the videos with Akaashi a lot, that's why he knew.

A video of Bokuto practicing his serves in high school, the moonlight poking through the glass ceilings in the gym, Bokuto would occasionally glance to see the doctor invested in the video. "Hey! Hey! Hey! Watch this!" The camera was panned to Bokuto, a few paces behind the serving line. Bokuto ran towards the line and tossed the ball up to serve, only to fail as the ball flopped to the side, Bokuto tripping and landing on the ground.

The rest of the video consisted of laughter by the person recording. "Oh my god, Bokuto? Are you alright?" Present-day Akaashi's eyes lit up when his past-self spoke, though Bokuto tried not to point it out. The video ended with Bokuto jumping up with a thumbs-up, his teenage-self running toward the camera.

Akaashi turned to Bokuto. "Say, who was that person recording it?"

Bokuto tried to breathe, but the air seemed to get stuck. "My person..." he laughed, trying to get some air in, only coughing in response. Bokuto panicked slightly, holding his chest as he tried to gasp for air, nothing working.

"Bokuto? You alright?" Akaashi's eyes widened, turning his head and locking his eyes.

"Yeah- I'm..." his words were dry and cutting out as Bokuto tried to breathe, why couldn't he breathe? He was starting to get dizzy; his vision was getting spotty. "No... wait, I'm not..." his words were broken up by coughs full of petals and gasps for air.

No.

This can't be how I die.

"Bokuto," the former volleyball player felt a tough comforting touch on his shoulder. "Slowly, deep breaths. Try not to panic," Akaashi pressed his other hand to Bokuto's chest, his hand right against Bokuto's hammering heartbeat. Bokuto tried his best but to no avail, he was sputtering petals as the closest he got to breathing, were haphazard wheezes and coughs. "Your Hanahaki is getting worse, but I need you to stay with me."

"I'm sorry, 'Kaashi," Bokuto knew he didn't have the energy to cry as his breath seemed so far away, already knowing unconsciousness was pulling him closely. "Please- please don't leave..."

The last thing Bokuto saw was Akaashi running towards him.

It was raining.

The sound of pouring rain sounded even inside the room, followed by lightning and thunder Bokuto could see from where he lay in a hospital bed outside the window. The blanket felt too thin and there were tubes connected to him, oxygen through his nose. The next thing he noticed was Akaashi, his sleeping figure in the chair in the room.

Sleeping? Bokuto looked outside once more and saw the window was clear as night. He would typically wake up with coughing fits, yet the oxygen seemed to help. However, he knew the oxygen wasn't the only thing assisting him. It wasn't medically proven but being in a peaceful moment with the person seemed to help. Akaashi's figure, so peaceful, so beautiful. Akaashi was beautiful, though he told himself the same thing over and over again.

The sudden moment of peace was interrupted by a cough breaking the moment, a few petals falling from Bokuto's mouth as Akaashi jumped awake, looking around but seeming to calm when his eyes laid on Bokuto. "Breathe, Bokuto," Akaashi got up and raised the hospital bed, laying his hand on Bokuto's aching chest while he did so.

Bokuto tried to open his mouth to speak, but God he was so tired. It feels like the day was wasted; he slept in till the evening and then promptly passed out. The words felt dry on his tongue, so he figured he'd just lay still. Akaashi was smart, he would connect the dots.

"You fainted, lack of oxygen," connect the dots, Akaashi did perfectly. The two were made for each other. Even if Akaashi could not remember, perhaps he still subconsciously knew Bokuto inside and out. "It's about 11 now, sorry I fell asleep."

For once, Bokuto did not speak. He just nodded, hoping Akaashi would fill the air with conversation for him.

Suddenly, Akaashi reached for Bokuto's hand, holding it gently but avoiding the IV. Bokuto could feel himself flush at the touch, but he gave a pleading look, as if he was saying please don't let go. "You said we are friends, and friends tell each other things." Akaashi spoke softly, rubbing his thumb in a soft circle. "You tell me a lot of things; I should tell you things too."

Tell me why you left your past behind. Tell me it was my fault, that I gave you Hanahaki and you never wanted to see me again.

"I had Hanahaki once," Akaashi mentioned, seeming quite despite the calm demeanor he was fronting, surely for Bokuto. "I was 17, one of the first cases here." Akaashi seemed nervous, almost as if he wasn't used to talking about it. Granted, Bokuto could understand. "They didn't know what caused it yet, just thought it was a new disease. Surgery came in a few months later." This was the first time Bokuto would hear the story from Akaashi's perspective, the closure he so desperately needed.

"How do you remember it?" Bokuto found the words spilling out of his mouth without hesitation. God, that was an intrusive question, but one he would like to hear. He seemed much livelier, at least. "Surgery back then, it tampered with all your memories. Not just the person you had feelings for, but everything." Akaashi looked impressed with Bokuto's knowledge. "I did my research."

Akaashi seemed thankful for Bokuto finally starting to contribute to the conversation again, seeming more like himself. This slowly brightening feeling quickly faded as Akaashi gave himself time to reflect. "I don't know," Akaashi looked out the window, watching the rain continue to pour. "I don't remember anything from most of my high school years. Middle school are the last normal clear memories I have- and then..." his eyes widened, Bokuto feeling Akaashi's grip tighten. "All I remember from High school before the surgery was how much it hurt. Nothing too clear, just the pain." The words ached in his entire heart, but Akaashi said it all as if it was a statement of fact. "It's strange, I can't remember what else happened in those months, just the coughing and wheezing and... those petals."

There, verbal confirmation. Bokuto was nothing to Akaashi's past. After all, it was essentially his fault, was it not? If Bokuto had known better, accepted the confession when Akaashi was on his death bed, maybe Akaashi would have been happier. One thing Bokuto was never going to get around was how sad Akaashi looked, even if he couldn't even admit it to himself. Dr. Akaashi lacked all the spunk his vice-captain had, the joy a person should have.

Maybe if Bokuto had accepted the confession, he wouldn't be in the hospital, with flowers and thorns in his throat. "Then what?"

Akaashi seemed almost surprised at the question. Almost as if nobody ever was invested in his story, nobody until Bokuto. "Well, I woke up, better. No coughing, I could breathe. My lungs were in rough shape for a bit, but I got my strength back."

Tell me why you left your past behind.

"Back then, I couldn't remember anything. I had my mom with me, and she was the only person who was of significance... that I could remember at least." Bokuto took note of Akaashi's words. He didn't say he loved his mom, or anything. He would call them significant or important. "I owed everything to the doctors, the people who made the surgery. I was almost ready to graduate, had to do something. I wasn't too passionate about much so becoming a doctor was the least I could do. Nothing holding me back."

Bokuto laughed. He didn't mean to, but it slipped out. "Sorry, it's just your logic... it's different." The surgery nowadays only erased the memories of who you loved, and that feeling of romantic love. It was the timing, wasn't it? The surgery back then, his entire life was tampered with, couldn't love anyone at all, and his passions? The things he loved to do, victims to the surgery's tampering. "Can I say something?" Bokuto had a feeling he would regret it, but Akaashi gave him permission to continue. Here he was again: trying, pleading, begging for the past and present to mix. "I think you would've made a good writer."

A beat, a single beat. For a single moment, Bokuto could swear he thought Akaashi was going to cry. He didn't. Perhaps it was all in his head. "You think so?" Akaashi raised an eyebrow, a bit confused.

Bokuto nodded. "I know."

#doctor hanahaki #hanahaki #haikyuu #haikyuu!!#akaashi keiji #bokuto koutarou #konoha akinori #bokuaka #Lili's fanfictions #ao3 fanfic #trouble breathing

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