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warsamongthestars · 9 months ago

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BAD BATCH (CHARACTERS) + ECHO HEADCANONS-- WITH STORIED BITS!

Because I was inspired by tags, why not a round of BB HCs?

Not TBB, just BBs. The characters, and I'm coming out the Clone Wars primarily, with only bits taken from TBB. ( Like a good fanfic, Let's steal back the small good things )

I know, I analyze--so let's see how far I can stretch it, yeah?

Today we are HCing...

99 AND THE 99 PROJECT

THE BAD BATCH'S MUTATIONS (Thus their abilities)

DOMINO SQUAD

( I would label it as Mature (Because I have a general idea of labelling), but Tumblr decided to be fucking hilarious about it--so I'm going ask you to be Mature. There's nothing explicit here, its about as snarky as a Discworld novel. So Guess that means its Teens and Up, PG-13, or whatever. )

99 INSPIRED THE 99's PROJECT

"Old man 99!? THE JANITOR FROM KAMINO!?"

Whether 99 was an alphagen or a first-gen, the idea here is based on small TCWs comments. Stuff about "Growth" tubes.

Its probably in the capitalist-eugenics aliens' (kaminonians) interest to skip the uncomfortable bits in natural human growth. After all the uncomfortable bits of human growth aren't Profitable.

So, have an age to load a clone into a growth tube, and just, rapidly grow them until they're the stage you want (to be profitable). This means skipping teenage years. It means skipping the small childhood years.

So, given that 99 is mature and capable, he was likely loaded into a growth tube about where his "teen years" would start... and it went horribly wrong. Aging him by decades instead of a few years.

And the 99 project, would be Nala Se's little project, to find out why it went so wrong--and then to fix it for future clones. Because after all, you can't have an army of old men.

And judging by the fact that 99 is the only Old Man Clone we've seen in TCWs, I imagine the project worked as intended--and like any greedy eugenic science-capitalist, Nala Se decided:

"Y'know, I could do something more with this. I could find the most common 'bugs' in our clone genome, and I could stretch them, and modify them, and make benefits out of these flaws."

And the 99s were created

ADDENDUM - on Growth Tubes

Growth Tubes would only be successful if the human brain was stimulated rapidly as the body grew, or you risk compromising the human brain. Its a very delicate organ and rapid growth would be very bad. So flash-training, basically rapidly dumping organized information and sensory input, would occur over the course of the rapid-growth. This is to ensure you have a nice healthy human brain afterwards. There are clones who did end up with a "leaky growth tube" (rumors about Hardcase), where the only issue hat ended up happening is a deficit in attention spans and impulsiveness.

What's significant about First-Gen clones, is that they mostly went the old fashioned way of growing--as in slow (but accelerated) growing. After First-Gen, Kaminonians decided: "No, this is not fast enough... and its too stressful, Teenage clones complaining about growing pains and having attitudes--its just too much. What do they think this is, a Human Domicile?"

Fast-Tracked clones are those who ended up in a growth tube the majority of their time, and even then, skipped steps once they were out. Domino Squad, being fast-tracked, maintained the "attitude" flaws characteristic of those who didn't spend a whole lotta time working with brothers out of the tube.

This is also why all "standard" clones look older than their early twenties. Many were grown out, biologically hitting the fast-forward on growing years to be fully grown. Chronologically, they are official "10". They only have 10 years of life, by the start of the war. Accelerated Aging measurement? 20. Because they are made to age twice as fast a normal humans. Biologically? Mid-20 to early 30s. It helps the resemblance to their prime, and avoids any possibilities of "late growth spurts". Luckily, clones are made to stay in their prime far longer than a normal human.

2. THE MUTATIONS OF THE BAD BATCH "They're non-standard but with abilities not seen in even normal humans."

The problem with finding a 'flaw' in a genome is that you have to ask...

a). Who is saying there is a Flaw? Are they someone you want saying that there is a flaw?

b). Why is it a flaw? ... But is it really?

c). what are they going to do to "remedy" the "flaw"? Is it an actual remedy, or are they just saying it is.

And being capitalist-eugenic scientists, who study the science of profiting from genes and geneing from profits, certain "flaws" are going to be the non-profitable kind.

They probably think its a terrible terrible sin, that the human genome is not naturally made to make capital.

But through this list of Flaws, Nala Se decided--"we can gene splice can't we? Yes, why shouldn't I gene splice. I can make much better clones through splicing."

After all, if you're going to make money from genes, in order to do more geneing, adding more Genes should surely add more Money.

FOR WRECKER...

(Shift from "canon"--for thematic reasons, this Wrecker is 9901)

Kaminonians are baffled by how strong and yet delicate humans are. They can lift 300 pounds, and yet can still get crushed to death by 300 pounds.

Its ridiculous, really.

So Nala Se took notes and samples from the beauty and gracefulness that is the Rancor.

And for her designated 9901, gave him near instantaneously recovering muscle, that could lift 3x the normal 300 pounds of health humans, and indestructible bones.

Why if an explosion were to hit 9901's face head on fro the left side--it would not, in fact, pulverize his skull or any the soft tissues the skull protects. The eye would absolutely be kriffed though.

Sure, the increased metabolism might be a bit too grand for the rations...

But the Kaminonians were assured--they are specially crafted rations, and the clone will just have to adapt. Humans can just, not be hungry after all, why it takes a month for an average human to starve! If the clone complains, well he is getting fed so he wont' starve. It's a bargain, after all. He's lucky the Kaminonians are even bothering.

FOR HUNTER...

( Shift from "canon"--for thematic reasons, Hunter is now 9903 )

The various pores of the human face always seemed to... leak to the Kaminoinans. Why do humans have to do so much leaking? Ought to make all those "face pores" that do their "poring", do actual useful work for once.

So for 9903, he got an ampullae. Plenty of the predators on the planet of Kamino had ampullae, and they seem to get along just fine.

Because of the odd small organ network that encompassed his face and down his neck, connecting various natural human senses such as scent, taste, sight, and hearing, 9903 proved to be passively sensitive towards electromagnetic fields. He would always know where North is on a planet. He would always know where he was at, and what was around him.

Why, the Kaminonians though, that would be PERFECT for droids! Droids have electric-magnetic fields!

... The unfortunate fact, that the Kamionians neglected to add, is that Everything produced an electromagnetic field, and super imposing upon natural humans senses of "being sensitive to particles" and "being naturally sensitive to atomic wavelengths"...

is that it would be a sensory nightmare. A cacophony of hell from the very world around him, to consume him utterly.

Well... The clone will just have to adapt, as the Kaminonains say. By the very coral reefs of Kamino, the clones are just not grateful for the work we do over their petty little lives.

FOR CROSSHAIR...

( For thematic purposes--we're keeping 9904 )

Humans have such tiny eyes, the Kaminonians think, how do they see so much if they're so tiny? and sensitive. By the whale song of the sea, Human eyes are just Too Sensitive.

So for 9904, they gave him super sight. But not just super sight, but super duper protected sight. They decided that the vestigial "third eyelid" had no business being vestigial anymore, the lazy little thing, and regave it life in 9904's eyes.

Why it could protect from Water, and Dust, and Bright Lights.

And they, the Kaminonians, were really reeving up now. Why just stop there? Give him reflectors. Let him see in the dark!

Why didn't we think to do this for all the clones?

Because sudden lights and sudden darkness, would mess up his eyes immediately. Because long term lights would cause a sensory overload. And long term darkness would cause (temporary) color blindness.

And no amount of protection stops a blaster to the face.

Well, thinks the Kaminonains, Its not as bad as the last ones.

FOR TECH...

( For thematic purposes... he is 9906. Yes, I like "Baby Tech", shush you. )

We know exactly what to do with this one, thinks the Kaminonians. Humans are just so... Dull. We load their brains nice and healthy, and they're still so dull.

We want at least one to have an intelligent conversation with.

I KNOW, LET'S MODEL THIS ONE AFTER US--THE KAMINONIANS! And we're geniuses you know, why shouldn't at least... one clone, be a genius like us.

For 9906, they attempted the daunting task of Modifying the Brain. Increasing memory retention and synapses flexibility. Awareness and understanding--a living computational organ.

And 9906 was Perfect.

... Save that he did not like Kaminonians, because healthy human brains, by any standard, tend to develop things like "Understanding" and "Feelings for and about other People", and tend to greatly dislike those who want to treat other people monstrously.

Why, 9906 even argued against the treatment of Clones. Clones are capable of thought and creation, they are a people and thus their own culture.

And the Kaminonians mourned. Clearly, all the work they put into this brain was for Nothing!

It only wants to learn about the galaxy and discover the beauties and wonders behind technology and space and peoples--why, it doesn't think of Profit or Genes at all!

It even argued that it wasn't a Product to be Sold, but a person to be talked to. The Kaminonians found this scoffful.

It would learn, the Kaminonians decided, oh it would learn.

ADDENDUM

What about 9902 and 9905? Well... Heheheh.

DOMINO SQUAD "A real domino effect, this one."

There are birth batches, and there are batch-squads. Birth-batches separate to all become batch-squads... but not all batch-squads are from the same birth-batch.

Such is the case of the fast-tracked "Domino Squad". Because they were fast-tracked, these clones spent an unpresidented time in the growth-tube. And worse, each one had a falling out with their original batch-squad.

The one that would be known as "Hevy" was overly confrontational, and prone to starting fights. He failed out of his original batch-squad for his attitude and physical violence.

He mellowed out, once he found that his aggression lead to serious consequence, but it didn't completely stop the fights or the lone wolfing. (Until after graduation).

The one that would be known as "Cutup" never took anything seriously, and his old trainers (and old squad) had enough. The trooper didn't even take regulations seriously, and was caught with contraband (Cutup couldn't believe that simple playing cards were "contraband", haven't they ever heard of a game before?)

The one that would be known as "Droidbait", tended to give up too easily, in a total reverse to "Hevy's" situation. Surrender is not acceptable, and he'll have to relearn the hard way.

The one that would be known as "Fives", ironically, did not have a poor record following him for anything he did. Half of his birth-batch-squad were found deceased after a training exercise. The survivors were sent elsewhere. For this, Fives was a quiet, serious but very anxious cadet and rookie until he hit arc-trooper. He kept even his name close. Just in case. Fives got to watch one of the survivors graduate with Bravo Squad. He never found out what happened to him after that.. but he doesn't assume its good.

Always have to adapt on the fly, because if you don't, the situation might just kill you. No matter how "Safe" everyone says it is. In fact, especially if its "Safe".

The one that would be known as "Echo" was the most devious.

By all accounts, Echo was a stand up trooper--he read the regulations and followed them to the letter. He took pleasure in buffing his armor and uniform. He could recite exact rules, was perfect in inspections. He knew exactly where everything is and how to act as expected. A true "By the Book" trooper. Why, what could ever be wrong with Echo?

Because if you look like you belong, and if you know the rules, you can do Anything. And Echo, he knew that people knew that the Way Things Act were often considered more important than What Things Actually Are, but you still have to Play Expectations if you want to get what you want.

And Echo, he tended to learn how play expectations. The fact is, while it was considered an accident and misunderstanding--Echo put himself in a position to get transferred away from his old birth-squad.

( He had nothing against his old birth-batch. They were fine lads. But Echo refused to be canon-fodder. If he was going to go out into the galaxy and make a difference, he was going to do it his way--if he was going to get blown up, it was because he damn well decided he was going to get blown up, not because a general told him to. )

Yes it would mean being held back. But such is the price of prep work (He certainly didn't feel like he was ready--and he wanted to test the waters a bit longer), and well, there had to be brothers on Kamino, who actually think about what they're being told--not just blinding follow without consideration.

And you can only work the rules to your liking, if you know what the rules are. Good thing Echo likes to read.

ADDENDUM

Reason Birth-batch and Batch-Squad are separate, is because the general idea is that they birth clones enmass, but since we only ever see cadets in squads, they aren't necessarily trained enmass.

There had to be a reason why Echo had the Balls to jump Rank and talk to a General, as a cadet, as request transfer.

None of the numbers of Domino Squad match up to indicate that they're apart of the "Birth-Batch". So this sugested to me that they might be from different batches--and thusly, are probably a "throw them together" squad.

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littlesparklight · 7 months ago

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The timeline I've constructed for my Greek myth fic 'verse has been a gradual process (and labour. so, so much labour sobs), and I wish I'd realized earlier I could use Herakles' age of death to help guide how many years I'd at the least need to put in between his birth and when Perseus kills Medusa. As it was I've had to move things earlier than Herakles' birth back by several decades at least once!

You'd think Herakles' Labours would be useful as a guideline, which they are. Sort of. Because the thing is, as fantastically ordered and neatly laid-out as the Labours and the other events afterwards are (sort of) laid out in the Bibliotheke (which is so helpful in general), I quickly had to just discard not just the order of the Labours but the idea that they happen in twelve years consecutively.

Mostly (but not only) because of the last one, with Kerberos. It needs to coincide with Theseus and Pirithous' attempt at kidnapping Persephone, which happens right after Pirithous has helped Theseus kidnap Helen - and Helen is conventionally between 9-12 years old when this happens. (Later I also realized that Odysseus needed to be somewhere between 16-20 years old when he got the bow from Iphthius right before Herakles murders him, which, fortunately, by happenstance my timeline as it was at that point could accommodate without changing any ages or moving any events!)

What's actually been really helpful as a guideline is the journey of the Argo (but even that isn't without problems (': ) and the events around it.

Given who all are most often considered a participant in the journey, it was obvious I needed to put the Calydonian boar hunt after it - specifically Akastos always being alive and on the journey, and still only a prince, therefore Peleus accidentally killing his father in law (during the hunt) and coming to Iolkos to be purified by Akastos and the mess that happens because of this cannot have happened yet.

So you have a neat connection of events, presumably in very short order after each other; the journey, the funeral games of Pelias, the hunt, Peleus going to Iolkos (and losing his wife); Peleus and Thetis' wedding. I put these within a collective two year span, of which the journey takes up most of one year.

I completely ignored that the goddesses always seem to go to Paris immediately after the wedding. It makes just as much sense, and worked better for character and timeline and age reasons, that Zeus would drag the whole thing out. Plus with the Dioskouroi as part of the journey they'd been to be teens at least.

I early on settled on a rather simple way to chop things up; the journey of the Argo is ~15 years before the start of the war (because of Achilles' age at the first muster), and Herakles' attack on Troy ended up being 39 years before the war. I think I originally had it be 30 years before but pushed it up.

I reaaallyy quickly decided I'd go with what other myths as well as the vase painting suggests when it comes to the Dioskouroi; that they're older than Helen (and Klytaimnestra). It makes more sense, so they've ended up being nine years older than Helen.

I had to fight a lot with both the myths and my timeline to try to figure out where to put Tyndareos' exile/Hippokoon usurping him.

You could probably put it much earlier than I did (especially if you're ignoring that Herakles' attacking Sparta is part of his post-Labours wars/events), since all that you need is that the Labour to fetch Geryones cattle has happened. One of the reasons given for the attack on Sparta is that Sparta/Hippokoon helped Pylos when Herakles attacked it to avenge himself of Neleus and his sons attempting to steal the cattle.

If you put it earlier, then all the kids are presumably born in Sparta (though I do know I've read a source that imply the Doskouroi were actually born during the exile...). I put Hippokoon's usurpation rather late, in conjunction with Helen and Klytaimnestra's births, so they're actually born in Pleuron (where I put exiled Tyndareos and his family). The whole family comes back to Sparta/Lakedaimon in my timeline only shortly before Helen is kidnapped by Theseus, when she's ten.

And Agamemnon and Menelaus come to Sparta for a year a couple years later, first spending time in Sikyon and then Calydon (to match up with that Aegisthos kills Atreus when he's "grown to manhood". But I've actually cheated a little and he's like... fourteen or something, but I couldn't have this happen later.

so basically: 1231 BC - The judgement, Paris goes to Sparta. He's twenty, Helen twenty four, Menelaos thirty. (In 1235 BC, the Epigoni attack Thebes, ten years after the Seven did so.) Seven years before the judgement, in 1238 BC, Helen and Menelaos marry; she's seventeen. Menelaos and Agamemnon are exiled from Mycenae between 1244-1240 BC; they spend the first couple years in Sikyon and Kalydon, until Tyndareos, sympathetic to their plight (and probably having had their character vouched for by Oeneus, since, uh, Helen's abduction by Theseus was just the year before they were exiled), offers to help them. They spend a year (between 1241-1240) in Sparta; at the end Tyndareos lends military aid to retake Mycenae and Agamemnon marries Klytaimnestra. In 1245 BC, the Seven attack Thebes early in the year and, too several campaigns of Herakles means Tyndareos can take control of Lakedaimon again. Later in the year, Helen (10) is kidnapped by Theseus and Pirithous, they then attempt to kidnap Persephone and are imprisoned. Peleus and Thetis marry the year before that, in 1246 BC, right at the start of the year; I liked the idea that he attempted for a couple months to woo her before the wrestling happens (and it also means a little time to perhaps grieve his wife committing suicide), so the mess with Akastos, the Calydonian boar hunt, and the funeral games of Pelias all happen in 1247 BC. Thus, the journey of the Argonauts are during 1248 BC, with the Dioskouroi 16 years old. At this point they're obviously still living in Pleuron, and have been for several years, as Hippokoon usurped him in 1255 BC, when they were 9.

I partially chose Pleuron because well, it'd make rather sense for Tyndareos to take refuge with his father in law, and because there is actually quite a lot of connection between Ikarios and a section of Akarnania (west of Aetolia, where Pleuron is). Which I decided to lean into, so that when Tyndareos goes back to Lakedaimon, Ikarios and his family stays, having been given land of their own in Akarnania.

#greek myth thoughts #lightart #just felt like blathering about my worldbuilding and timeline hehe

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tenaciouschronicler · 5 months ago

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August 28 2024 2009

Time to loot the loot!

First up some books. The first we all saw, COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY, but way more worn and potentialy deadlier. Next is the FATHERLY GENT'S SHAVING ALMANAC, currently useless to John with his lack of need but very important to Dad if he locked it in the safe. But I want to bring attention to the newspaper clippings.

Very worn with the only visible date being Monday April 13, 199X. Apparently some years back meteors also rained down shortly after 4am. The ones in the paper were not the only occurrence and, suspiciously, were downplayed as 'not foreboding' or 'not really a big deal' despite creating casualties. A Crocker facility and a residential space have suffered damage. Not sure why Dad would have kept this but with the repeating 4/13 there has to be some importance. Probably a cake mix shortage knowing his love of baking.

But just to rip us back from thinking too hard on it John finds a note from Dad on the wall:

SON.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, IT MEANS YOU ARE NOW STRONG ENOUGH TO LIFT THE SAFE. YOU ARE NOW A MAN.

AS SUCH, YOU ARE ENTITLED TO WHAT IS INSIDE. I KNOW YOU WILL TAKE THIS RESPONSIBILITY SERIOUSLY.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

Youll have to excuse me as I SOB MY HEART OUT!!

Behind the note is the safe code, 02-49-13.

A couple of things happen that made me lose it laughing so hard but it should be noted one of my many questions has been answered. A blank card has only a string of 0's while a card containing a card is a sting of 1's. Each code generated is probably some sort of fusion of binary and hex though Im not even gonna try to think of what the formula is.

Ok so, in normal John fashion he captchas the card but only having three means...

Instead of changing his modus and adding the card to the deck, John punches the 2xCaptchacard bringing him to a grand total two usable cards.

John: Throw hat down in disgust.

Goodbye, hat. (HOW EVEN?? The bounce in that hat is off the charts!)

Not learning his lesson, John captchas the punched card creating a 3xCaptchacard...

Sweet Catch, Rose! The panel below this with Roses cursor slowly bringing the PDA back to John just reeks of passive agression. Do you think before you act, John? Of course not you only do...

John: Take PDA.

The two card sylladex: inventory of dumbasses.

At this point I had to stop reading from how hard I was laughing. Even putting this together is making me giggle in delight.

Luckily the tome is too heavy to get much air and instead crushes the imp unware of its fate.

Under the cut is a bunch of stuff regarding Johns leveling.

Now the level up panel had me questioning some things. Last time we saw John level up he was only at PLUCKY TOT but now we are at PESKY URCHIN. Looking back he sucessfully killed two imps during the pogo ride, presumably the EXP for the other 3 levels

Looking at the panel where Rose is building she now has 80 grist she can work with when last it was only 50. John also gained a bunch of boondollars and now has MAN GRIT. So what info can we glean from all this.

My guess is one imp slaying gained two levels while the other gained one. The next level will either again be one imp or require two imps for enough EXP. Level ups may take climbing more rungs before giving rewards, my guess is it happened at ANKLEBITER.

Rewards are also not equal among levels. The new CACHE gain is at 40 and seeing as the other two were 10 and 20 respectively means ANKLEBITER increased the cache by 30. But GEL is only at 15. In this way GEL is harder to grind for, with longer spans between gains. We cant know for sure though without seeing the whole cache list. BOONDOLLARS dont seem to have a pattern. John gained a whopping 415 which is not a pretty number to split between three levels. This last kill saw a gain of 200, so who knows what the criteria is for this. Again MAN GRIT is new so its up in the air how this one will function. Overall it seems to me right now rewards are at every second level at minimum.

*Editing to add current proposed limits: GEL 30, GRIST 120, MAN GRIT 5

#homestuck #homestuck replay #hsrp liveblog #i spent way too long going over the level up screens to get this info #but now i need more lore #SHOW US THE CLIPPINGS I BEG #chrono

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honey-minded-hivemind · 10 months ago

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Beast Anon here! 8D Oh-ho! Wings of Fire is ICONIC! So glad to hear its merch has taken off at last! ;D

In answer to your questions, hmm...golly-gee, when it comes to your AUs there's a lot to choose from xP Although, if I had to pick on the spot...I can't help but notice your Dark AU has been getting a lot of attention lately, and I have been warming to it for the interesting twists and turns it has been taking :) I think X-Men 97 has really been going great, I'm loving it! Something I really like that I noticed recently was just how efficiently each episode manages its 20-30-minute runtime, it's another sign the show-creators put a ton of effort into the whole thing ^^ Now, my favorite platonic yandere of the week...is gonna be Beast. Always. I don't have that nifty little nickname you gave me for nothing :> Right, I'm going to be completely honest with you...I have no idea who/what Marvelade is, but, sure, if you're interested in how they'd handle the very introspective and fascinating 'What If' series, I'm all for it ^^ I've been doing very well, thank you for asking! :D And how about yourself? How've you been in the span it took me to respond? Anything new going on? ^^ In terms of topics I'd like to talk about, hmm...what do YOU think of the X-Men 97 show? =p

I am alright 😊 I planted a rose bush (I hope I did it right), and I've made a new AU...😅 That's a specialty of mine, isn't it? I have been catching up on some much-needed sleep, though, so it's good. As a kid, sleep wasn't as exciting; when you get a bit older, it is very much a necessity. I sometimes wondered as a kid, if adults at work and jobs had a mandatory nap time, if that would help with their stress? I was a weird kid, to be fair, but i think younger-me made a point to older-me.

I think X-Men 97 is doing pretty swell! It's using their time very well, as you said! Thirty minute episodes, yes! And there are a few curse/cuss words/adult words... So that's fun, in a way. The characters... I think they're sticking to their core personalities, which is good. They're acting the way they did in the Animated Series, and the show fits that theme, just a few years from then. I like Morph. I like Roberto. Older Magneto is looking well for an older guy, and now im sure he and Xavier at least had a QPR (queer platonic relationship) in that universe. Wolverine is grouchy and working on being a dad, so that's great. Jubilee is awesome, that never changes. The Jean Grey/Madeline Pryor thing was handled better than the comics did! (Yes, I actually know about that, yay!; I know a bit from the comics, just not, well, a lot😅). And I like that they can part on nice terms; let these people be friendly and have friends, darn it! Beast is still the same sweet, Shakespeare-loving furry scientist we all love (he was humming/singing classical music, that's a plus, and I didn't know I wanted that until it happened!) Storm lost her powers... I think she might get them back? But I'm not 100% certain. Maybe... 75% certain? Scott needs a vacation, a therapist, and possibly a few cups of relaxing/night-time tea, if not the whole package (he needs sleep and therapy, and I hope he gets it, poor guy needs a break-) So... Yeah, I think they're doing right by the series, they're using their time wisely, they kept the characters on point/in-character, and I can't wait to see more!!!😊💛💙

(I hope you are okay, Beast Anon! Thank you for checking up on me, and I wish you the best this week! Have a treat:🫐🥧🍓🥞🧃)

#honeycomb thoughts #go beast anon go!

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a-bit-too-much-of-a-pokemon-fan · 2 years ago

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Hey folks, for my benefit more than for anyone else--as this whole blog is--here's a timeline of my spring 2022, pieced together from screenshots and memories: (it gets personal and heavy at the end)

12/30/2016 - I ambitiously start a new save on Pokémon Platinum Version, my first time playing it not as a child. I immediately put it down and don't pick it up for seven years, when I take...

4/23/2022 - My first screenshot (shitty photo) of my actual first adult playthrough of Platinum, showing a Lv. 27 Luxio named Alpha. I must have started a couple days prior. (Alpha is currently chilling in Violet as a Lv. 100 Luxray, only ever used 2 rare candies)

4/29 - I defeat Cynthia by the skin of my teeth.

5/6 - The ~Breakup~ to which I allude often, which is pivotal in this story, happens

Also 5/6 - I buy Pokémon Legends: Arceus as a treat. I play it quite a bit and--despite its faults--enjoy it quite a bit too.

5/9 - I buy the red and black DS also as a treat, realize it looks like a Sinnoh Pokédex, and pop Platinum in. My in-game Pokédex reads 119 obtained. Bipolar manic response to intense emotional distress kicks in. I think, "You know what, why not catch 'em all? Better yet, why not make a Living Dex?"

5/11 - I catch 19 Bidoofs to fill slots in the PC where mons i can't possibly catch would go so I can actually track who I still need. Out of spite, I name one "MANAPHY." Pokédex reads 155 obtained.

5/16 - Pokédex reads 183 registered. I've caught almost every Pokémon possible on one cartridge of Platinum.

5/20 - Content to move everything forward to White, I pick up my playthrough of White that I abandoned in freshman year of college when my Gold DS broke. I'm 7 gyms in already, time for the home stretch.

5/24 - I beat White. Hell Yeah. This will become my Living Dex save until October.

5/28 - I move all my Pokémon forward to White and document everything in my save. Pokédex reads 185 registered. Play clock is at 159:35. I reset. Time to Nuzlocke.

6/1 - First photo evidence of my Nuzlocke, showing me in a very dire spot against an enemy ace trainer's Luxio.

6/7 - A screenshot of PL:A in the Basculegion quest. I guess I'm still playing this here and there.

6/21 - I beat my first ever Nuzlocke. Play Clock at 141:31.

And that's how I played 301 hours of Pokémon Platinum Version in the span of two months. That's 12.5 days, or 20.3% of all the time in that span. That doesn't even count the time in White or P:LA. Keep in mind that for April until the breakup I had four classes, and from then to September I had an internship that demanded 20 hours/week (quite a bit of the grinding in the Nuzlocke happened on the clock). So it's not like the only thing I did was play Pokémon.

You know what? I'm not embarrassed. I was heartbroken. I was lonely, home for the summer, away from all my friends and almost every other distraction. I needed something to fill the gaping whole in both my heart and my schedule. Pokémon was there for me. So was my family, and so were my friends (digitally). I wasn't alone, especially not with all those damn Pokémon I caught.

If anything, I'm proud of myself. I've been to incredibly dark places. When I was younger, it got so bad I did something that leaves scars on me to this day. This time, an older, stronger, more hope-filled version of myself channeled my manic energy and overwhelming emotions into something entirely harmless: a video game. Better yet, I made personal achievements out of it. For the first time ever, I had completed a regional Dex, and I attempted--AND WON--my first ever Nuzlocke.

I joked that I switched mains in Smash Bros from Samus to Pokémon Trainer because I played a debatably unhealthy amount of Pokémon. The debate is in why I played so much. Was it unhealthy when it kept my emotionally stable? Was it unhealthy when it might well have prevented more self harm? I think not. You hear that, kids? Playing Pokémon for a fifth of your time is healthy in all situations forever. Obligatory /s.

#(self harm) tw #personal #not tagging it any more because this actually really is for me. I just need to say it.

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rosecentaur1916 · 4 months ago

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Warning! Lots of word vomit! It was because I found it fun to go down the rabbit hole!

There could be an argument that Cecil is in his late twenties if you go 5 years either way, but Oscar was 33 at the time the movie came out, which means he was 32 during filming. I usually (as a rule of thumb) go by actor age unless explicitly stated or shown like in Moon Knight:

Or stated in media surrounding something he's been in like most of the Star Wars books for Poe:

So, Cecil could be at the youngest 28 and eldest 38. That's a span of 10 years give or take. So yes, soft-girl-musings could be correct, but I argue (argue meant in a friendly debate type way) that he is older. I've seen the movie and those in that age range can also be a mess because of mental health disorders (Hi! Hello! To quote Obi-Wan Kenobi "Of course I know him, he's me.") especially since Harry describes him as:

"Cecil is a good guy too. He's got his issues like anyone else. He was just in the hospital again. Sometimes things get really hard for him and his head doesn't work the way its supposed to and shuts down. He just shrinks away." That (to me) sounds like bi-polar disorder. The whole movie could be seen as a manic episode spurned on by his cousin. Anyway, I bring up this because (some) people (like myself) with mental health issues are messes in their late 20s to 30s (and sometimes older). I've always read Cecil to be in his early to mid 30s. Without going into spoilers there are several reasons I think this that all are explained by, speech pattern, slang terms, actions and mannerisms that scream this to me as someone in her mid 30s. There are so many things that depend on the movie itself to illustrate my point. For instance, there's a scene where somethings happen and the line of reasoning (Yes, the man does use his brain sometimes) seems more mature than it would be for a man in his twenties. There are references that Harry, Cecil and the people they run into through out the film use that betray that Harry and Cecil aren't only around the same age, but grew up at the same time and consumed the same media, so thus born probably in the late 70s or early 80s. The biggest indicator for me is their hobbies outside of their "work" and the events of the movie itself. Neither of them are shown to own anything more advanced than a CRT television. Neither own a cellphone and smartphones were a thing in 2012. They play Candy Land, talk, drink beer, do drugs, eat (they love food) and Harry even does puzzles in his down time. Its touched on once and never again, it doesn't have to do with the plot, so I figure its a a small spoiler that won't ruin anything plot wise. Anyway, that speaks to me that their older. Heck, they maybe be older than even I speculate, touching into that older 30s range. Heck the way they dress could harked back to Gen X's punk and grunge aesthetic reflecting that they just didn't care what people thought of them. Most Gen X teens that grew up in the 90s dressed like Cecil and Harry do:

Heck some millennials (Hi! Hello, again! In the words of Obi-Wan Kenobi "Of course I know him. He's me." again.) dress like that too, which does lend to the argument that they could be in their late twenties as I was actually in my mid twenties (24 to be precise) at the time when this movie came out. I'm a mid-range millennial as the generation started in 1981, so that lends to both arguments. The encyclopedia Britannica describes millennials as:

I was going to reference Brian Petsos' birthday too, but I can only find the day and not the year. I found one answer that isn't there or verified anymore that said it was November 30, 1999 and his IMDB says October 16 with no year. I'm not sure which is correct. Though if he was born in 1999 that makes no sense. His earliest acting job is in 2007's "This Town" and from what I could find he looks like he's in his 20s, so he clearly wasn't born in 1999! So, I'd think from that he and Oscar are more than likely around the same age, which, because Brian Petsos wrote "Revenge for Jolly!" That more than likely means he wrote Harry and Cecil to be around his own age. If Brian is at least a year or two younger than Oscar that would have made him 30 to 31 years of age.

So I think this lends to the idea not only that Oscar and Brian are around the same age, but Cecil and Harry are too. I also think that lends to the idea that Cecil and Harry are in their early 30s rather than their late 20s. Yes, there is a difference, even if its only a few years. I know, I know I've over thought this... I tend to do that a lot, but its fun for me to go on these little journeys. Plus showing evidence of why I think what it is is kind of fun too. I don't mean to try to "intimidate" anyone with words. I just like writing essays. I hate when people accuse me of that. I run away with it and get into the nitty gritty which is fun for me. Anyway... after a ton of crap you didn't ask for... I still think Cecil is in his thirties. If you wanna watch Revenge for Jolly! Its up on Pluto TV and Roku Channel for free.

How old is Cecil? I haven't see the movie yet but I can't find any info about his age

@soft-girl-musings says "late 20s bc he's a Mess™️"

so imma trust her bc i also haven't seen the movie yet 😭

#cecil dennis #revenge for jolly #I had fun going down the rabbit hole #Sorry for the word vomit #I love Cecil so much!

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kitspindles · 2 years ago

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Nobody crucify me for this but I really don’t get why people are so mad about the “Percy is still 17 thing” because like… Rick’s explanation made sense enough to me? In a book series that’s spanned almost 20 years now and takes place in “our world” but not “real world time” (and where there’s schist like literal gods and monsters), people are fuming that the timeline doesn’t make sense with all the references to pop culture? Like, we already know the actual plot timeline within the books is a little screwy and not perfect, but why are we all big mad out here trying to fight the author in a Denny’s parking lot? Just because Percy isn’t canonically 18 yet? (Or 30 something). I don’t blame him for keeping Percy on the cusp of legal adulthood with the way some of you guys have been acting lately.

There’s no year ever given in the books to date the exact time of Percy’s adventures (or his birth year) because, like Rick said, his adventure is happening whenever you pick up the book and read it. Yes, there’s a wide range of pop culture references and jokes from over the years in the series but like… so what? He writes jokes that the current audiences and year will understand, that’s all. The series has been going for, what, 17 years now? And new fans of varying ages are always joining. The series and the jokes are ever evolving to reach these newer fans (many of whom are elementary and middle school aged, remember). As far as I know he never claimed for there to be a strictly linear timeline based in our real world time. He’s kept stuff vague on purpose to avoid giving exact years.

I think we all forget that The Lightning Thief started out as a bedtime story for Rick’s son, and that it took some time to even be accepted and published as a book. He didn’t initially set out to create a whole series with 15+ books spanning almost 20 years. I’m sure he didn’t know how large and expansive the series would become, and so that’s why there’s no set in stone timeline. Some authors give their series set years and stick with it throughout (Cassandra Clare, for example, has a whole intricate timeline going for her Shadowhunter books and sticks to it like glue), and some don’t. It’s just how it is. And most characters don’t tend to age outside their books… so yes, Percy is still 17 because, as of The Tower of Nero (which came out 2 years ago now, btw), his last canonical book appearance, he had yet to celebrate his 18th birthday or even officially start college. Just because we’re out here “celebrating” his birthday in the real world doesn’t mean he’s actually aging. It’s just a little goofy thing because he’s a popular character.

Are people just mad because this character we grew up with who kept aging in the books is now frozen at 17 (because his story is done) and we keep aging? We do need to remember that it’s a kids/young adult series, ergo, the characters are all still teens and pre-teens. Not yet adults.

Anyway I’ve just been thinking about that sorry

#please don’t rip my head off for this #I’m just really confused as to why some fans are frothing at the mouth about this #you can be mad about him not aging #free country and all that #but some people really went off the deep end over this #percy jackson and the olympians #heroes of olympus #trials of apollo #pjo hoo toa #percy jackson #pjo fandom #pjo #rick riordan #rrverse #riordanverse #my stuff

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feyre-starborn · 3 years ago

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I really hate acotar reddit rn with how they view Feyre as weak, no personality, and too perfect. Just recently, I saw a comment under an obv Feyre anti post that “she’s only kind and brave what now?” Idk maybe being a b*tch doesn’t always equate to being strong. I just hate how acotar reddit perceives Feyre in a very misogynistic way. It’s fine if you can’t relate with her but to say that she’s weak just because she has a different trauma response from yours is not it and is completely insensitive to those who can relate to Feyre. Saying things like “too untouchable” or “too perfect” dismisses the journey she went through in the trilogy and how she recovered from her trauma. For someone that values objectivity and canonicity in the books, acotar reddit sure likes to twist narratives just to lift up their faves.

Hey there <3,

I completely agree. And unfortunately it’s not just Reddit. The same arguments can be seen by antis here too.

Feyre’s whole journey in the original series constantly highlights that Feyre isn’t perfect? I don’t get why they assume that she is? But it’s probably because not being perfect doesn’t mean she’s problematic either. Because she isn’t. Feyre isn’t perfect but she’s not problematic either. That’s why the antis like to twist the narrative and blame Feyre for everything wrong that happened in the series that wasn’t her fault and accuse her of war crimes or blame her for Ne.sta being SA’d. Like huh?!?! (and yes. these are real arguments made by antis in their 20’s/30’s)

Feyre has so much to offer. Ne.sta doesn’t. Feyre’s power and reputation—not as High Lady or Rhys’ mate/wife—but as Feyre, the human girl who saved all the fae, spans the entirety of Prythian and beyond. And a perfect example of this is when Balthazar didn’t want to kill N.esta—not because of Ne.stas powers that were apparently so scary—but because he didn’t want to be on the receiving end of Feyre’s wrath. Nesta’s sister. And Vassa crossed a whole continent to find Feyre Cursebreaker for help. Not High Lady Feyre, not Rhys’ mate, but Feyre Cursebreaker!!!!!

People respect and love her. People care about her and would do anything for her. People are intimidated by what she did throughout the series but still respect her. The same can’t be said about Ne.sta. No one respects her. No one cares about her. The only thing she had to offer was her powers…and now they’re gone. Literally no one gives af about her, except her two friends, her mate, and somehow the sister she abused her whole life.

And these antis love to compare specific characters to Feyre—example: Viviane—to make Feyre look/seem weaker…but all they’re doing is making her look so much better? Viviane and Feyre are friends through Mor—whom they hate. They say that Viviane deserves to be High Lady more than Feyre and even go as far to say that she is the first High Lady, yet still to this day Viviane is only a consort and that’s it. They love to act like N.esta and Viviane would be besties but completely forget that Viviane doesn’t interact with N.esta and couldn’t gaf about her. Feyre is her own person with her own powerful reputation that everyone knows—before she even became fae—, and they respect her and are grateful for her. Nes.ta is just Feyre’s horrible older sister that stole powers from the cauldron and throws temper tantrums at 25 years old.

N.esta is just a nobody sister with a reputation for being snobby and rude, while Feyre is genuinely someone to be respect and be cautious about at the same time. Ne.sta is all bark and no bit while Feyre is genuinely someone to be cautious of. She’s more sly and quiet when it comes to her threats. She may seem kind but cross her and you’re literally dead. That’s why the antis thinks she’s weak. Because Feyre is actually the one that “doesn’t need to resort to threats”. While threats is all N.esta has going for her. That’s it.

But they clearly do all this this to uplift their fave because she is both problematic and not perfect. She is the definition of a horrible character with no empathy or remorse for anyone but herself. Feyre is selfless but N.esta is probably the most selfish person in the series. Nes.ya never had to make any sacrifices, while every other character did. And that’s because she’s spoilt rotten. The antis know this. And no matter how hard they try to argue about it or justify her actions, no amount of justifications can erase what’s canon. They also know this too. This is why they completely attack Feyre. Because they’re relating a little too hard to N.esta and her treatment of others especially Feyre. So that’s why they feel the constant need to make N.esta look like a hero, while victim blaming Feyre and trying to turn her into a villain. Because they feel a little too guilty and don’t want to confront that part of themselves so instead they attack Feyre and those who relate to her while enabling N.esta and her fans abusive behaviour. Because they know they’re wrong and can’t stand it.

And it’s also because N.estas/Ne.ssians story was such a flop that they are going feral with the rage and disappointment and feel the need to take it out in the Feyre fandom because Sarah literally loves Feyre so much. They thought Ne.sta would be a “queen of queens” but she wasn’t. She’s just a useless side character again by the end. The purpose of n.estas story and powers was literally just to continue Feysand’s story and set up this crossover, that Rhys seems to be the main highlight of because of his links to Bryce and Ruhn.. That’s it. Her story and powers are completely irrelevant while Feyre, Rhys and their story was so important for the series and this crossover.

So…No matter how many headcanons, fanfics or otherworldly arguments you make, it doesn’t erase what’s in canon. And in canon, N.esta was never a good person, but Feyre always was, even when she wasn’t perfect!!!! And if there is ever a weak character, it’s Nes.ta. Not Feyre.

#feyre archeron #pro feyre #high lady feyre #high lady of the night court #feysand #pro feyre archeron #rhysand #pro rhysand #pro feysand #feyre #anti nesta #anti nesta archeron #anti nesta stans #pro night court #pro inner circle

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pumpkinstep · 2 years ago

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I finally read sky and Jesus christ what the hell is happening. it seriously feels like they're using a lack of communication and willful ignorance as a crutch this time more so than usual. it's super frustrating that this newest arc seems to completely ignore any of the established events all of the clans share and throw it out the window entirely.

you'd think after all this time, moons upon moons, season after season, of starclan constantly beating it into the clans that they should stick together and be close to one another, they'd be less wary of eachother. especially after uniting to solve a huge conflict only like what 3 or so months ago? it really doesn't seem like it was that long ago. like say it was maybe a year or so ago, it still doesn't make sense. clan life doesn't move on so quickly that that span of time would be ancient history.

yet every cat seems to talk about it like that. they all talk about the whole dark forest shit like it was hella long ago.

I also think it's super weird that starclan admittedly refuses to do anything, especially since the whole of starclan rarely ever decides to agree whole heartedly on what to do with the living, so even if a majority of them decided to stay away, surely there would be some who would go against the larger will of starclan like spottedleaf and yellowfang did in the past.

Nighthearts chapters are annoying, squirrelflight is dead inside and I don't think she and bramblestar are mates anymore. sunbeams chapters are super unnecessary and I feel as though this arc would have seriously benefitted from having a one cat perspective instead of continuing to go with the split perspective thing.

it certainly feels completely out of character for the whole of thunderclan to start acting like they're the most important cats in the forest and the best clan of all despite the fact they let an imposter lead them and do horrible things without question. honestly it says a lot about brambles character, his leadership, and relationship with his mate that no cat so much as questioned him when he started acting out.

it's also super weird that they put so much importance on Firestar in the clan. like I get that undeniably he was one of the best leaders of his time but like you never see that importance and pressure to fill his paw prints carried through the rest of his clan.

literally bramblestar was raised by firestar and we never see him struggle with being another firestar. we never see him struggle with the knowledge he has to fill the power vacuum or void or whatever fire left behind with his death.

I also noticed it's even stranger when you consider a good majority of thunderclan currently are directly related to him as well. he has paws in every single facet of clan life there, they might as well rename it fireclan.

it's just annoyed that this is suddenly a big issue and focus in the clan now even though his legacy lives on in the form of like 20 something direct blood relatives in a clan made up of like 30 something cats.

I'm getting off topic but just about the whole starclan thing.

why the hell are they suddenly being so vague? like if anyone had learned anything from previous conflicts and their solutions, collaboration and clear direct communication is more important than anything, especially since what happened before. honestly I'd argue that it'd be more interesting to have a perspective of a starclan cat to better outline the conflict left unresolved there after the ashfur incident. how cool would that be? it would make sense to, it would heavily accentuate the dread and helplessness of the river clan situation just as it did with goosefeathers and shadowsights tragic efforts.

I feel as though we've gone too long with being open and connected with starclan now to pull back and turn around. why not lean into it? build up starclan culture and look more into where prophecies come from or how they receive them. hell I'd be okay if they kept that vague if they'd just lean into all the way and let us see starclans conflicts just as clearly as we see the living cats since they're all so strongly connected.

it's a serious mess and I don't see this book having a good ending. I'd like an arc to have a resolved conflict for once that doesn't bleed into the other arcs. like let's just wrap up this messy ashfur nonsense and move on. the series needs to end all together at some point and I'd rather it concluded sooner rather than later before it gets any worse.

#warrior cats #a starless clan #spoilers #i guess #sky spoilers #bear barks

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dystopia-fantasy · 4 years ago

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Always read the job description -Part 1

Max was a fit, well built man. He had been body building since he was 14 and now In his early 40s he has the body of a god, but is slowly getting to the age when he needs to find another way to make money. He knows he can't take part in his competitions anymore, and needs to take it easy. He got great grades in school and college, proving people wrong that you can't be a nerd in a jock body.

Max had some money saved and was able to keep up on bills for a few months but needed a job to keep his large house, in the rich area of the city. He got a call from a business he applied to a couple of days ago, telling him to go in for an interview tomorrow, and if it goes well he will be sent straight on a trip for the company. He gets his new blue suit ready to be worn the next day.

The morning arrives, it's 5am, and Max wakes. He does his normal morning routine, making breakfast, working out, taking a shower, then gets his suit on ready for his early morning interview. Driving to the office building in the middle of New York, it's at least 50 stories high, and is made of mostly glass, and is one of the newest modern builds in the city.

On arrival a large man in his late 60s wearing a suit greets him, "hello sir, you must be max, Sir Mammon is on his way down to collect you, may I say what an amazing suit you have on today".

Max looks the man up and down, seeing the man's huge belly flowing out from under his dress shirt, showing a massive W shape, "thanks mate, you might want a bigger shirt" then points to his belly.

"sorry if I offended you sir, but all clothing has been chosen by Sir Mammon himself" Mammon is the big boss of the business "if you would like to make a complaint I can print you a form".

Max laughs, "No thanks, I'm gonna sit over there, tell Mammon im there".

"will do sir, have a great day" the man says while max walks away paying no more attention to him.

About 15 minutes later a young handsome slender man walks over. "Max is it?" He says behind Max.

"yes.." max says confused.

"I'm Mammon, nice to meet you" he smiles holding his hand out for a shake.

"oh hello Mammon, is wasn't expecting someone so young, no offence of course" max shaking his hand.

Mammon let's out a little laugh, with a little grin "it's ok max, people don't expect someone like me to own such a remarkable company like this one would you like to follow me, we can go up to my office, this is Mark by the way, he's my Butler". Mark is another large man aged around 50, he has a massive belly stuffed into his suit, hes huffing and puffing, like he ran a marithon, "don't mind him, most of my staff are..."

Max cuts him off "fat?"

They both laugh, "you could say that Max" the elevator arrives and they all walk in, "now max, you did read the whole advertisement correct?".

Max didn't, it's was 48 pages long, who would read it all? He just looked at the wage he would get, it started at $100,000 per month. "Yes, I did".

"that's good, most guys are more keen to keep their body's but I guess if your struggling you'll do anything."

Max now confused just nod's and watches though the glass elevator as they fly up to the top floor.

"where here sir" Mark the butler says peacefully in his British accent.

They walk into the room, and Mammon sits at his desk pouring himself a glass of wisky, and Max one too. Max looks around in aww, the room was covered in art work, with the walls painted in golds and whites and had its own bar. "How do you have all this money?" Max asked.

"a mix of many things, this company, and a few investments paid for this whole building, I have many other ways but we're not here for that." Mammon points at the seat," take a seat max" Max sits the chair is made from leather and is very comfy. "So, max, I've gone through your file, I think you're perfect for the job."

"so, does that mean I have the job?" Max replies confused, expecting to be asked a question.

"well yes, if you agree to the terms"

"terms?" Max still confused.

"well yes, you expect to be paid 10times the amount the normal person for this job without any terms or conditions?"

"well I didn't know.." Max gets cut off.

"Max let me simplify them for you. You sacrifice your body to the company, and in trade you get, $100k X the amount you weigh paid into your account per month, So if you weigh 450lbs, you get $450k a month."

"what the fuck? That's sick, I'm not doing that, I'm leaving" and with that Max got up from the chair and stood face to face with Mammon, with the desk all that is separating them. "Your sick, you fa**ot".

With that Mammon's eyes glow a bright red. "I'm a what?" Max got through back against the chair by an invisible force. "Max you could have just left with your freedom, but now look what you've gotten yourself into".

"Let me go, What the fuck?" Max says while traped against that chair, it chreeking with the force of his muscle.

"I'm a fucking demon max, I'm never going to 'let you go'" he took a second break to mock max, "now, what did you say? Fa**ot, was it?".

"fuck, I didn't mean it" the force pins him down harder, trapping his arms against the leather chair arms, and pushing his legs against the underboard. "Please let me go home, I won't do it again."

"shut up max, the process is already starting".

Max looks down to see his body deflating, his pecs turning from mountain peaks to a flat surface, his giant powerful arms turning weak and light. And then looking up he sees a whole new man infront of him.

"Not as big as I thought I would get, but boy I'm big" he took a break to admire his new giant arms and pecs.

"what the?" Max looks in confusion, "how did you do that? Give me them back".

"what are you gonna do max? I'm an infinitely powerful being and you, your an old man, or at least your going to be."

"I'm only 42, what do you mean, going to be?"

"you see I don't have my infinite life span on earth, so to stay alive and in this fit body, I absorb anything a guy has and I want. In your case, these massive muscles, but then I need to absorb their life force as well, in order to make sure I don't age."

"what do you mean life force?"

"well, you have roughly 50 years, worth of life left, I'll drain about 20 years leaving you in your future crippled body at around age 60, force you to work for the company for another 20 years, then when your 80 drain the rest of your life, which after you get fat won't be much, then you got to hell."

"man your sick, let me go, LET ME GO!".

A bright red light shoots from Peters hand enveloping Max's whole body, and he starts to age, his face wrinkling, skin dropping, eye sight worsening, hearing getting muffled, and mind changing a little. "Max, you ok old man?".

"yes sir" max was confused in his mind, why did he say sir?

"max, you ready for your Cruise? You can have tones of food for the next 6 months."

"Yes sir, I'm ready" max lifts his head, opening his eyes to see a new blurry room from his new old eyes.

"you're gonna need these from now on" Peters eyes glow and a new pair of glasses appear on Max's face he can now see clear.

"thank you... Sir", max blinks seeing Peter infront of him, "what have you, done to me".

"Max, I've turned you into the perfect office worker, old, brainiac, who is soon going to get fat and live the rest of his life, in an office chair for me, don't worry for accomodation you live here now, we have apartments on floor 30 to 40, all workers live here, it's policy, we have also sent a team to your house to, well, blow it up, that way nobody is going to be looking for you, becuase we can plant a body"

"give me... My.... Body back, give me... My.. life back."

"Max we both know that will never happen, now enjoy a life of gluttony, and prepare yourself for hell, that's gonna be worse then anything I can do to you." Peter snaped his fingers and a red glow enveloped max.

Recovering from the glow max sees two men infront of him with a trolly of sorts between them. "Is he awake" one says,

"I don't know" said the other.

"im- awake" max said in a much older raspy voice.

"good we can now start the feeding" the man on the left said, his body as muscled as a god, ripped from head to toe, and we can see everything.

Max rubs his eyes under his glasses and opens them again, "Fucking hell, put some clothes on both of you".

Both men where nude, one a ripped god, another muscled up but with a big gut. "Clothes are banned here mate" the beefy man said in a type of Australia accent, "you cant say much fella, look at that tiny pecker".

The men laughed pointing at Max's shriveled up old cock and low hanging balls, "what the fuck"max tries to move his arm to cover him but his arm doesn't move, he looks down to see him stuck in a chair, with a cut out hole under his ass, and straps tying him down, trapping him. "What... Are you gonna do to me?" Max asked sceared.

The men laughed at him again, "no need to act to sceared, we're here to feed you for the next 6 months".

"but... Sir said..." Max get cut off.

"he said you'd be going on a cruise? Fucking hell are you dumb? He's a demon, you shouldn't trust a demon" The muscled guy says.

"bro let's start the feeding we have 50 other guys to see and I wanna watch football Tonight." The beefy guys says, and in unison both their eyes glowed a bright red, showing they where demons too.

The trolly between them had several items on top, one long tube, which floated in the air for a few moments before shoving itself down maxes nostril and deep into his stomach, his head flipped back trying to wriggle it out, but it was stuck. Another item moved into his frame, a IV bag holder, holding a giant barrel type object made of glass, and two large bags floated of the table again and started to drain into the barrel, and the tube connected itself to it, starting a flow of the liquid into maxes stomach.

"done" the beffy guy said. "Now we'll be back tomorrow to refill your barrel, and clean you up if you make a mess, but youll basically be unconscious for the next 6 months, due to the drugs were feeding you."

"so enjoy your sleep mate, you'll litterally wake up a different man." The two men laughed and walked out, max tried fighting the restraints but in his crippled form could do nothing. The door slammed and locked, and the room fell dark, max screamed begging into the darkness to be let free, and to have his life back, which he had only an hour before, but nothing happened, nobody came. He felt the drugs taking effect, but tried to fight back, but it was useless, his body slumped and loosened. His mind fell blank as he drifted of into his 6 month hibernation.

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cheri-translates · 4 years ago

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[CN] Gavin’s R&S - NW Project (Eng Translation)

🍒 Warning: This post contains spoilers from an R&S (NW计划) which has not been released in EN 🍒

Heavy angst warning... T-T

To follow along with the narrator: here

[ Chapter One ]

The NW Project - “New Weapons Project” in full. This project was first put forward 20 years ago.

Even though I’m the main person in charge of this project, the person who raised this project wasn’t me. Neither was it an outstanding scientist. Instead, it was this man in front of me.

Patiently, I finish reading the agreement in my hand, which spans dozens of pages. Before putting my pen to the page, I lift my head to look at him. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

The man looks straight into my eyes. Without a hint of retreating or wavering, his tone is calm as he responds, “I’ll take complete responsibility for the consequences.”

“You aren’t afraid of permanent infamy?”

“This is our only chance. Exchanging the lowest cost for peace experienced by the most number of people. Black Swan doesn’t leave us any choice.”

I fall silent, but the man doesn’t give me an opportunity to probe further.

“This is the second time I’ve made this decision.” He continues speaking calmly. “Ever since the first step was taken, there has been no room for backing out in this matter.”

I pinch the pen with force, the weight in my hands a little difficult to bear for a moment. I take a deep breath, finally signing my own name on the paper, underneath the name already written on it.

I’m very clear that we have no room for retreating. We have to move forward!

After signing, the man hands me an archive envelope. “This is the first experimental subject this time round.”

I open the archive envelope directly. When I see the name written on the materials, I lift my head to look at him in shock. Before I can speak, he responds. “There’s nothing wrong with the materials.”

“Right now, he’s the most suitable candidate.”

“But-” I continue finding it difficult to believe.

“You can return to make preparations. He’ll be here soon, and the NW Project can officially begin.” There’s absolutely no change in his expression. He’s so calm that it’s as though he’s talking about someone who is insignificant. But the tenseness of his body faintly reveals his inner perturbation.

I suppress the shock in my heart, not adding anything else.

Returning to the office, I open the file once again, reading it seriously--

Gavin, 24 years old, Evol ability is wind control. His Evol was awakened at 17 years old. During the tests two years ago, his ability levels were determined to be of the highest rank.

In the attached photograph, a young man wearing the white Special Task Force uniform is facing the camera. His eyes have a knife-life fierceness and a trace of unruliness. Even when separated by the photograph, they bring with them a certain sense of oppression.

This is a resolute person - that’s what I conclude. But when he undergoes the modification in this project, whether it’s successful or not, would he be able to remain as resolute?

I’m unable to make a determination, but I hope he does. After all, he’s their child...

[ Chapter Two ]

The restarting of this project, which had stopped for decades, was beset with difficulties. But no matter how difficult it was, this project had to be pushed forward.

A month later, as Black Swan’s activities grew increasingly frequent, the man, in the capacity of commanding officer, led the team himself, leaving the base. He kept his promise, bringing the first experimental subject back - the NW Project could officially restart.

Gavin stands in the middle of the laboratory quietly. His familiar appearance causes me to have a lapse in concentration. But very quickly, I retract my emotions and explain what the first phase of the experiment entails, and its possible effects.

When he hears the cruel wording I use, he has no reaction, no wavering, and no fear. His back is straight, and there are still speckles of dried blood on his body. I’ve only met his eyes once before averting them quickly. That pair of eyes shrouded in shadows suppress far too deep, and far too heavy emotions. Yet, they reveal a certain odd sense of calm, as though he has calmly and fearlessly accepted his fate.

“Gavin, are you ready?” The man, who has remained silent all this while, finally speaks. In an incredibly cold voice, Gavin responds. “Yes.”

The man turns his head towards me, nodding slightly in indication. “It can begin.”

We’ve been waiting a very long time for this experiment. Before the experiment officially begins, the man’s footsteps leave hurriedly.

All procedures proceed in a systematic and orderly way. Underneath the cold lights of the laboratory, Gavin, who has been injected with the drug, is submerged into transparent phosphate buffer. Dozens of metal patches are linked up to his body, monitoring the slightest change in data.

As the experiment carries on, something peculiar happens quickly. The fluctuating lines on the electrocardiogram gradually slow down. After a sudden jolt, it becomes a flat line. Just like the final glow of light in the darkness extinguishing suddenly, although we had already prepared ourselves for this, I still find my hands trembling when this moment arrives.

A researcher informs us that Gavin’s vitals are falling, and that his Evol fluctuations are barely able to be captured. All the data cruelly tells us that this experiment is about to fail, and the death of this young man will be announced soon.

I pound my hands onto the wall heavily to prevent my fingers from trembling, and direct everyone to carry out all possible rescue measures. But as time passes by - one minute, two minutes... his signs of life have completely vanished.

“Gavin...” Quietly, I watch that young man, whose eyes are shut tight, and recall when this departed person had said this name to me.

Suddenly, the lines on the electrocardiogram fluctuate for a moment, and someone exclaims in surprise. I frantically observe the screen, watching as the degree of fluctuations gradually increases. It’s as though a hand has forcefully pulled him back from the fringes of death, finally bringing him back to normal. Everyone heaves a long sigh of relief.

After the experiment, I assume the task of observing Gavin’s situation. On the sickbed, the young man who has experienced death has a face void of colour. Even in an unconscious state, his eyebrows remain deeply furrowed.

I tidy the items that were collected from him: A phone which is turned off, a set of keys, a Special Task Force ID... and a photograph which was originally in his breast pocket. This photograph seems to have been taken unawares. It has already turned slightly yellow, and has a pretty-looking girl on it.

After a while of thinking, I place the photograph next to Gavin’s pillow.

Perhaps this way, he can have a good dream.

[ Chapter Three ]

It has been a week since the experiment ended.

A few things surpassed our initial expectations: Within the first 30 hours of Gavin awakening, his state of mind temporarily went into chaos. At the same time, the strength of his modified Evol left us unable to control him, and he destroyed the entire laboratory. Fortunately, he recovered at a certain point. But he became deficient in terms of emotions, and turned extremely cold and distant. It’s as though he had become the strongest “weapon” as we conceptualised.

“Thud--” The sound of something heavy falling drifts from the tightly shut door. The hand I’ve placed on the door pauses. After waiting for a few minutes, I push the door open.

Gavin is standing in the middle of the spacious underground training room. A pair of cold and indifferent eyes look over. Even though I’ve experienced this several times, my heart still jumps, and my body tenses up involuntarily. All the cells in my body warn me - he’s extremely dangerous.

I maintain a set distance, and advise, “You should act according to our designated plan to undergo this adjustment process.”

Gavin doesn’t speak. Black wind encircles his surrounding, the swirling air slicing the walls and floor like knives. In an instant, it ripples through the entire room. I reach out to touch the blood oozing from the new wound on my face, quietly putting even more distance between us.

I watch silently as he exhausts his Evol, waits for it to be restored, and repeats it again. This is an incredibly painful process, no different from breaking all the bones in his body and forcing them to straighten. Such capacity for violence often results in harm to himself. Very quickly, his whole body is riddled with scars, and his entire person appears as though he has been pulled out from a sea of blood.

“Today’s training should be over.” I speak up once again, stopping him.

But what I get as a response is the sound of a ear-piercing report. Stunned, I look at the patch of white appearing before Gavin. Everything in that region has completely disappeared - there has been a change in his Evol. According to the plan of the experiment, he should only reach a breakthrough after half a month.

This time, Gavin finally speaks. “Someone’s waiting for me.”

This seems to be a thought he is clinging onto. Sometimes, one’s thoughts can destroy a person, but can also strengthen a person.

I don’t know who is the person waiting for him, nor do I know how he obtained such a belief. But it enables him to persevere in this cruel project.

--The NW Project can stimulate the experimental subject’s Evol gene to its highest degree, enabling one’s Evol ability to reach its strongest state in a short span of time. But its pitfall is just as obvious. There’s a large possibility that an experimental subject wouldn’t be able to withstand the weight of such strength, and face a decline after his Evol reaches its peak.

Right now, the strength Gavin has obtained after the modification has far surpassed approximations. None of us are able to predict what ending awaits him should his Evol start to decline.

Gavin finally stops, sitting on the steps in exhaustion. I can’t help but ask, “Why did you accept this project?”

“I need strength.” He says this without hesitation.

“Is obtaining strength necessarily a good thing?”

“Not to most people.”

I understand the meaning in his unfinished words, because he is even more certain than we are that he can control such strength.

At this moment, I suddenly look forward to his future, even though an experimental subject from the NW Project will only become a “weapon”. And the future of a weapon is only to destroy or be destroyed.

[ Chapter Four ]

It has been two weeks since the experiment ended.

The modification in the NW Project has reached its final phase. From Gavin’s body, we’ve collected large amounts of information, supporting the future development of this project.

At the same time, Black Swan’s sudden appearance on the surface leaves us with no choice but to speed up the process of the NW Project, and search for the next batch of experimental subjects. But this is an incredibly difficult matter. Every person who accepts the modification has to possess a sufficiently firm willpower. They have to persist through the agony of such destructive strength, and have to endure the temptation such strength brings.

During this special period, Gavin suddenly looks for me. Seeing the documents placed in front of me, I lapse into a long silence before speaking. “If you’re clear on the consequences this would bring, I’ll sign it.”

“I’m very clear.” Gavin stands up straight, the resoluteness in his eyes not wavering even once. Without further questions, I lift my pen, signing this agreement solemnly - to allow NW717 to be dispatched, and carry out missions.

“If you insist on choosing this path.” I take out a set of seemingly normal-looking gloves and place them on the table. “They can help you control such strength.”

Gavin freezes slightly, and it looks like he has been taken aback. But he doesn’t ask further questions either, putting on the black gloves, the leather material fitting every finger seamlessly. He looks at his hands, a hint of cloudiness flashing across his eyes, though it dissipates very quickly.

This is a strength which shouldn’t exist on this earth, yet it has surfaced due to various incidents.

The next time I see Gavin who has returned from a mission, all the staff have already left the laboratory. The assistant had given me a warning beforehand, but I’m determined to be here.

What I see is a Gavin who is on the brink of collapse. His body is bowed, both fists balled tightly, veins evident, as though he has sustained a blow which is difficult to bear. I understand the cause of such a situation, and it’s exactly the consequence I had warned him about before he left on the mission--

The drugs used during the NW Project modification are especially fierce. Before they are completely assimilated, the backlash is also especially fierce. Right now, perhaps every blood vessel and every cell in his body are bringing him incredible pain. Such pain far exceeds the very first experiment by multiple folds.

“You need to stop the pain.” I take out the injection needle, prepared to give him a cortisone shot.

“No need.” Gavin doesn’t even lift his head. His tone is perhaps even calmer than mine, but his voice trembles almost imperceptibly. “I’ve seen your report. I need this chance.”

He’s betting on that one glimmer of hope. I respect his wishes, setting down the cortisone shot. Instead, I give him the final dose of drugs for the experiment. After all of this, I await the final outcome from afar.

Gavin remains silent from start to end. The sound of his breathing is so light and faint that it seems to disappear, only the data on the equipment displaying the radical changes in his body. Just like this, my eyes are wide open as I observe the entire night. At the first glimmer of dawn, Gavin stands up. Because he has been maintaining the same posture for a very long time, he staggers for a moment, almost losing his footing.

I do a complete examination for him, and discover that he has indeed grasped that one thousandth of a chance. In our plan, the degree of completion of the modification will hover at around 80%. But right now, Gavin has far surpassed this numerical value.

With a complicated expression, I look at the final verdict. Before Gavin leaves, I warn him once again. “It could engulf you in the end.”

The air surrounding Gavin permeates with danger, but his eyes are as calm as ice. “I can’t retreat.”

This project doesn’t leave him any room for retreating.

I know that the success of Gavin’s modification also represents drawing the curtains on an expansion of the NW Project. I’ve stored all the data and reports related to him in a file, ready to accept the next experiment.

[ Chapter Five ]

Along with the implementation of the NW Project, the effects of the modified individual increasingly got out of our control. This caused us to start pondering on how we should handle those people who accepted the experiments once everything was over.

Someone asked me about what I planned to do, and my answer was that I would perhaps find a place where nobody recognises me, and live the rest of my life with a guilty conscience and remorse.

As the very first successful experimental subject of the NW Project, Gavin’s choice came even earlier than I expected.

I reach the doors to the commanding officer’s office. Just before the door closes, I see an insignia on the desk at a glance, along with that pair of black gloves.

When we cross paths along the corridor, Gavin gives me a slight nod. I hand him something - the Special Task Force ID which was collected from him when he had first undergone the experiment. Gavin seems to find this unexpected. Very softly, he says a “thank you” before leaving without taking it.

From behind, I watch his retreating form - his back is very straight when he walks. At this moment, his footsteps gradually turn from heavy to relaxed. I watch as he takes out his phone to make a call, disappearing into a corner of the corridor.

I hope this will be the last time we meet.

With anticipation in my heart, I push the door to the office. The man stands at the window, as though waiting for something.

“Why did you choose to let Gavin leave?” I ask.

The man returns to the desk, the NW symbol on the wall behind him seeming to become the heaviest shadow, caging him. He says calmly, “Behind this position, I’m also a father. Even though I’m not qualified.”

He pulls open a hidden drawer, retrieving a yellowed photograph from inside - I know that what’s on it is the image of a beautiful woman who remains in the memories of everyone.

I recall the night on which he knew Wardia had passed on, and recall the child who had splinters all over his body, his face filled with resistance and despair. It was such an endless, heavy night. The next day, the man had already collected his wavering and crumbling self. It’s as though all the pain I saw was just an illusion.

That child from back then has already grown up. He has grown up to have an indomitable spirit, and to the point where nobody can overlook him.

Just like what his mother had anticipated, he has become a strong protector.

For an inexplicable reason, I suddenly speak. “Actually, the two of you are very similar.”

The man immediately shakes his head. “He’s more outstanding. Back then...”

At this point, he seems to sink into a short contemplation, and doesn't continue.

I don’t harp on this topic. Taking out the file, I give him a report on the final verdict of all the experiments in the NW Project.

The original intention of this project was to utilise absolute abilities to get rid of rebellious Evolvers, and reduce the damage between civilians and Evolvers. During the project, we fulfilled this original intention, though it also brought about several inevitable problems. And right now, perhaps it’s time for it to leave the stage.

After waiting for a very long time, I finally hear the man’s announcement. “The NW Project will officially end one week later.”

Perhaps we have already been waiting for this moment for a very long time. I pack up the files, and give him a salute - as well as to everyone who has contributed to this project and to this world.

Very soon, this project will be covered in dust and enter the vast and long tide of history, and will never be spoken of by anyone.

Only those glistening stars continue to illuminate the boundless and long night.

A translated comic based on (but not entirely) on this R&S: here

#mlqc #mlqc cn #mlqc spoilers #mlqc gavin #this hurts so good

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cyclogenesis · 3 years ago

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For the writing ask (you don’t have to answer all of them since I probably picked too many, sorry!): 1, 2, 7, 8, 10, 19, 20, 26, 30, 31, 32, 36, 38, 39, 40. (Thanks 💜)

I did it, I answered all of them!! (Yes, it took me a couple of days aha.) Thanks for asking anon! 😘

1. Which of your fics would you keep the basic plot of but rewrite completely?

Generally speaking I would rather die than rewrite anything ever, and most of the stuff I’ve written I can look back on and be like “nice”. I did recently reread a few bandom fics I wrote and felt mildly horrified by the fact that some of the writing was so spare that the dialogue sections were like reading a screenplay, so I’d have to say those would come the closest. Like I wouldn’t actually ever rewrite them, but were I to write them today they would read very, very differently.

2. Anything that you’d like to write but feel like you’re unable to?

Honestly I read soooo much Hydra Trash Party stuff and would love to vibe with Bucky’s sexual trauma in fic more but I feel like I’d really struggle to write that kind of background given my usual writing style. That’s the kind of super iddy thing I usually do in chatfic, but unfortunately I don’t have anyone to do that with in this fandom, so I’ll just keep whining internally about the lack of HTP Sam/Bucky while doing absolutely nothing to address that glaring lack.

Rest of the answers behind the cut!

7. Your favourite ao3 tag.

I cruise the Bottom Bucky Barnes tag like a 50s kid dragging Main.

8. How slow is a slow burn?

HERE’S THE THING. So if I ship something super hard, like hard enough to write or read fic about it, then I have already interpreted the canon itself as a slow burn because presumably they haven’t kissed yet, and I’m writing or reading fic because I’m ready for the kissing to be happening. I also don’t tend to read a whole lot of long fic. So basically I’m gonna need kissing by at least the 15k mark unless it’s like, masterfully written.

10. Top three favourite fic tropes.

You know, I’m honestly not usually drawn to stuff that’s very traditionally tropey! I don’t write it too often either, usually with fic I’m just a simple gal who wants to look at canon and then figure out a way to get them to acknowledge they want to kiss each other. I do love fake relationships though!

19. Share a snippet from a wip without giving any context for it.

“There’s more than one Loki,” Sam is disturbed to tell him. “A bunch more. One of them is a good guy now.” Actually, Strange had described him as ‘moderately helpful and uncomfortably sincere’. “Another one, uh, broke time, and now there are multiple timelines that have created different universes.”

“Got it,” Bucky says, in the tone of someone who in no way has it.

20. Do you work on a single project or many at the same time? How does that work for you?

I usually have a couple of things going at once that I bounce between until I decide that I’m Going To Finish Something, Dammit and force myself to focus on just one. It’s generally fine because I’d rather have too many ideas than none at all, though I’ll sometimes inadvertently cannibalize myself and have to edit out things I’ve used in two different WIPs.

26. What would you describe as OOC?

I’m honestly pretty forgiving about that, having been trained to suspend my disbelief by liking really dark fic hahaha. One weird thing that tends to throw me in not-dark fic is a lack of humor in the dialogue. I tend to like fandoms with pretty funny characters or people, so I like to see their sense of humor reflected in fic. Sam and Bucky in particular are really funny characters in their own ways - gimme the banter, please!!

30. Describe a fic that almost happened, but then it didn’t.

In so many fandoms I’ve had visions of an OTP epic spanning years and years, and in zero of those fandoms have I ever completed one of those stories.

31. What was the most difficult fic for you to write (but in the end you made it)?

There is a point where every fic feels like the most difficult thing I’ve ever written. Something particularly cute that I do, which I love, is writing very intensely up to the sex scene, and then getting shy about it and wandering away and not working on it again for a little while, despite the fact that usually the whole point of the fic is that I want to get to the sex scene!!!

32. Do you have a word/expression that you always use in your writing?

I’m sure I have plenty of things like that!! I try to edit repetitive things like that out because when I’m reading a lot of a writer’s stuff little phrasing quirks always stand out to my copyeditor brain. That said, I know when I’m doing it and still tend to huffily be like “well that’s the best way to phrase that action!!” so, whatever.

36. How do you come up with fic titles? What’s the one you’re most proud of?

I either have a title from the jump or I’m combing my music library for a lyric snippet I can use like ten minutes before I post the fic. I’m pretty fond of This Is A Song About Fucking in that I committed SO deeply to jacking myself off there; it’s a phrase that Brendon Urie used to say to introduce Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off during the Nothing Rhymes With Circus tour (I had to look that tour name up. Thank GOD I had to look that tour name up) and I used it for a 5SOS group sex fic posted a cool eight years after that tour (which I went to multiple dates of, oh god) ended.

38. “This never happened” fix-it fics or “this happened but” fix-it fics?

Definitely the latter, when a canon makes a lousy choice I’m usually like well here we are, let’s talk about where we go from here. But I don’t really look for anything with the fix-it tag in general, once the canon breaks something I loved I’m usually so moody that I just abandon ship and stop reading fic haha.

39. Wildest AU scenario you have written?

I verrrry rarely write AUs for posting, but have chatficced some truly bonkers nonsense in my time. My old writing partner in bandom and I used to get weird with Brendon/Ryan - the satyr/fairy and fisherman/selkie days were really something.

40. Write a 9-word fic.

I’m too invested in the thing I’ve written 5k words of these week to think of anything new, so here’s a snippet from that instead.

“Come here,” he chokes out, and the helpless hope on Bucky’s face in response nearly undoes him completely. He sits up to meet Bucky halfway, grabs at his shirt the moment he’s within reach and drags him close, Bucky climbing onto the bed all long limbs and graceless need. The kiss is a surprise only in how rough it is, a hard press of lips like Bucky’s greedy to touch Sam any way he can, like this is just another way for them to collide.

#anonymous #asks #WHEW #this was good i love talking about fic #really hoping i can finish this one i'm working on sometime next week pray for me plz #i'm like HARD back on my feelings bullshit love to write sam and bucky just like desperately in love with each other #i'm 11k deep and don't see a way out of this under 20k help

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turtle-to-eternity · 3 years ago

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What It's Like to Have Unmedicated ADHD

A little over 2 weeks without my stimulant is going to be rough. But with this last pill, I'm going to describe to you exactly what it's like to be unmedicated with this disorder.

Here is my average day unmedicated, typical of the past 24 years of my life:

I get up an hour late (way better than yesterday!) and sit dehydrated with a painfully dry mouth and a pounding headache for hours. Occasionally I'll glance at my empty water mug and think about how I could refill it by walking 10 feet to the fridge. Even with a full mug, I frequently forget to drink water. Just grabbing the mug and drinking more than a couple seconds is too much, for most times that I even remember it.

As I'm doing this, I stare at the icons on my desktop. I think about how I used to have fun playing Stellaris. Though I can't remember why I stopped, setting everything up to play it again sounds useless and impossible. I go through these thoughts for 10 other games I used to enjoy, before I go to Reddit.

I browse Reddit for a couple hours, opening a new tab for every comment section because I can't stand just looking at one thing at a time. I go through gifs and pictures so rapidly that I don't really absorb any of it. Occasionally, I'll actually start reading something in the comment section. Most times this happens, I'll close the tab while I'm still reading through it, as if my hand had an attention span of its own and I so rudely exceeded it. This might frustrate me enough that I'll open that comment section back up, and then immediately forget why I did, so I close it again.

Then it's time for thinking about the basic self-care I'm supposed to do. About how it's been 3 hours since I've woken up and I've accomplished nothing. I think about how I could just get up and do my stretches so easily. About how if I went to the bathroom and started now, I could bathe and brush my teeth and shave without skipping stuff due to the pressure of getting to work on time. Then, I get on Youtube.

I see some 15 minute video compilation for a game I enjoy, from a creator I enjoy. Maybe it even promises some information I actually care to know. I open a new tab for it, and 7 others for 30 second meme videos I don't care about. Hey, they're so short there's no reason NOT to watch them, right? They're about anime and movies that I've never watched, but I go through them all anyway as if I enjoy it. The fast-paced nature of them is probably the only reason I bother. I open even more of them from recommendations, and continue this for the rest of my pre-work time. By the time I finally stop, my recommendations are full of references to countless pieces of media I have never, and probably will never, consume.

I finally get back to that 15 minute video I actually wanted to watch, but there's no time for it now. I have at most 20 minutes to wash myself and get dressed before I leave. I stress about how I'm about to go to work still dehydrated, and I forgot to brush my teeth for the 4th day in a row, and I haven't clipped my fingernails, and I'm going to have to buy yet another $1 stick of deodorant because I forgot to use any before I rushed outside.

Once at work, I remember I didn't get anything to drink still. I end up having to buy massively overpriced water from the registers, because buying a whole case would look weird and people might comment on it. I realize after walking across the store that my hair looks insane. Nobody said anything to me, probably because I looked at my phone to avoid looking at anyone. Even still, I felt their disdain for me. I don't disagree with it.

For my whole shift, I majorly stress myself out. I get absorbed in one of 2 different kinds of daydreams;

In one kind, I'm often about to be written up or fired. I tearfully scream at my bosses about how when I'm at work I only think about how afraid I am of losing my job. I'll eventually break down and cry about how hard it is just to do my daily routine, let alone work each 8 hour shift efficiently. All the little labels and numbers are so hard to remember let alone find, and I'm put in an unfamiliar area every other day. My focus is pulled to abstract thoughts and daydreams, no matter how hard I try to stay in the present. Usually I work on autopilot, fumbling with each item I put up like a dumb zombie. I can't stop myself from getting like this for long, I can only snap out of it when it's already happened. I feel fear and shame each time, not knowing how much time I've wasted.

They frown and shake their heads at me, like strict parents that caught their kid in the cookie jar. Even as I wipe the sweat out of my eyes they tell me how slowly I work. I rant about how horribly uncaring they are, wearing tight-lipped expressions and speaking in condescending tones as they rip away the financial stability of desperate folks that are trying their best to hold on. That no matter what they tell themselves about only being messengers, the suffering of each person they've fired hangs like rope around their necks.

The other kind of daydream is an idealistic fantasy of how I could start actually doing the things I want to do and earn happiness. I diet like I want to and get fit and attractive, I actually spend time developing interests and realize I have real talents that are useful and appreciable to others. I meet a friend and lover that shares many of my interests and cares about me, and lets me care about them. Often the feelings I get from having these daydreams are intense enough to put me on the verge of tears. Maybe that's why I typically have them when I'm assigned to an isolated spot in the store.

By the time I get home, I am emotionally ruined. I feel stable, but the slightest inconvenience makes me clench my muscles and scream silently until I feel like I've finally had an aneurysm burst. This is when I'm most likely to snap and bite my grandmother's head off, because she's started ranting about Obama or socialism/communism or the vaccine. Or about how the vaccine is socialism and that's why it's bad. Maybe it's because instead of getting me home so I can rest, she's decided to drag me to some fast food joint because she refuses to buy frozen food like I do.

After I get home I throw my clothes aside and put on whatever sweatpants I can grab. After taking 3 different sleeping pills, I fidget and flop around in bed for a few hours, never feeling comfortable.

Eventually, I fall asleep thinking about how I'll do better tomorrow.

#life blogging #actually adhd #adhd #living with adhd #mental heath awareness #neurodivergent #depression

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citylightsbooks · 4 years ago

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The Motor of the Essay: Rachel Kushner in Conversation

This is an excerpt of a free event we held in conjunction with Litquake for our virtual events series, City Lights LIVE. This event features Rachel Kushner in conversation with Dana Spiotta celebrating the launch of The Hard Crowd: Essays 2000-2020, published by Scribner. This event was originally broadcast live via Zoom and hosted by our events coordinator Peter Maravelis. You can listen to the entire event on our podcast. You can watch it in full as well on our Youtube channel.

*****

Dana Spiotta: I know that everyone's going to ask you these questions about writing fiction versus nonfiction. And I read somewhere that you said, with your novels, you begin with imagery more than an idea or a character. With the nonfiction, there is a range of pieces about writers and specific books to journalism--like the prison story and Palestine--and then there’s the ones that are personal essays, right, like the girl in a motorcycle. So I guess they might all have different origins. But where do you begin with that? And how is that different as a process from what you write in fiction?

Rachel Kushner: Yeah, so it is kind of a different process for me, although I sometimes feel guilty to try to make declarations about which is harder, or how one does one thing, because you know, for some people, the essay is what literature is.

For me, fiction is more difficult. And so in a certain way it's what I've signed on to do with my life, because the process can be so mysterious and fickle and unreliable. And I'm waiting to catch a wave, or get the drift and then try to figure out how to sustain it, and then how to change it in order to sustain it. Managing so many different things at once is a very curious hermeneutic, because you need to know where you're going.

But then you also need to let happenstance inform you. I think some of the ways that we are challenged, and how we learn in our lives and also as writers, are by having encounters that we did not anticipate or predict, and that happens in fiction. And then you're kind of in a "taking mode" and you know exactly what's for you and you go with it and you run.

Essays are a little different for me. I mean, obviously. Time is shorter. But usually the motor of the essay is a sprung sentence. I come up with one sentence that is doing something in the syntax and it's making something sort of declarative. And it's kind of a gambit. And it needs to be followed by another. And sometimes I'll have a whole paragraph like that. And those paragraphs will just be floating in the void of the potentiality of the essay that I haven't written yet. And I don't sweat, like, "How am I going to link this to that?" yet. Because I just know by instinct that they're both going in. And if I put them in the essay, then they are interrelated by virtue merely of their proximity to each other. Then I start to build links.

Some journalism is a very different process. Like you mentioned, for the piece that I wrote, originally for the New York Times Magazine, about prison abolition and the carceral geographer, Ruth Wilson Gilmore, they said it can be any length and made it long. So you know, it was like 20,000 words. And it was my version of that essay, and it probably was a pretty good essay. But I think the weakness in it was that I was not speaking to their audience. And they really--you have written for the New York Times Magazine--they want to be able to countenance everything you say, sentence by sentence. It's not like writing an op-ed, where you just say your thing and then people can fight it out in the comments. They want to be fully on board. And I wouldn't want to have to do that all the time.

It's extremely difficult, because you have to keep remembering how to bring in somebody who may have wildly different ideas about how society should be organized, and not seem polemical, not seem pushy. It's a kind of seduction I think that really benefits from collaboration with an editor. It's arduous, it takes time. That essay took two years to write, but because the subject matter was important to me, ultimately, I decided it was worth it.

Dana Spiotta: Yeah, it's such a great essay. And I learned so much from it.

Peter Maravelis: When you're writing about events and feelings from decades ago, how do you return to the experience? What takes you back?

Rachel Kushner: That's a really great question. So, you know, with some of these essays, like the first essay in the book called “Girl on a Motorcycle,” which is about the Cabo 1000--a no longer existent, illegal motorcycle road race where you span the Baja in the course of a day--was the first thing that I ever published and I wrote it 20 years ago. And after looking back over it, in order to put it in this book and to improve upon it, I opened it up; I wrote a new beginning and a new ending. There are so many details and scenes in that essay that I never, ever would have remembered had I not written them down when I was much closer to the meat of that experience.

But there are other essays like the title essay which I just wrote quite recently. I'd put the book together, and I knew it was going to be called “The Hard Crowd.” And then I just basically sat down and wrote this essay. And I think, you know, as maybe you're telling a story, or going through your life, sometimes things really do sort of trigger the release of a memory. And Proust has this conception of two different kinds of memory that he calls voluntary memory and involuntary memory. And voluntary memory is the kind of fixed story that you tell, you know, "Oh, he's telling that story again," meaning it's a kind of sclerotic, hardened account that, for Proust, doesn't really have any real artistic or intrinsic wealth to it. Whereas involuntary memory is maybe when you would smell a perfume that you haven't smelled in 30 years and it reminds you of this or that. And I think that writing itself can activate involuntary memory, because you start to see into spaces you haven't seen in a really long time.

Like when I was writing this essay, I somehow ended up talking about Terence McKenna, and remembered that I'd seen Terence McKenna give this lecture at the Palace of Fine Arts. And then I saw the Palace of Fine Arts and him on the stage and where I was sitting, and who was in the audience. And so then I mentioned in the essay that this noise musician who I don't know, but I knew who he was, was sitting right in front of me. And that was a funny thing because the New Yorker called him and asked, "Were you at a Terence McKenna lecture in 1991." “Yeah, I was.” I mean he probably thought like the FBI is after him or something. I can start to see things and details in pretty haunting detail, particularity once I'm starting to build the framework that will allow those kind of involuntary memories to come up to present themselves.

Peter Maravelis: Do you feel that maybe kids who grew up in a certain era share communal memories, like growing up in San Francisco in the 70s is full of shared moments and scenes?

Rachel Kushner: Yes, I do feel that, but I would maybe even particularize it to not just an era, but to kids who grew up in a certain world within San Francisco. And I'm going to just be blunt: it's the kids who went to public school in San Francisco in the 70s and 80s. We all traversed a world together, and the particularity of that world. I'm not saying that it's special or different. Everybody has a world that they traversed, and that stays inside of them as memory. And ours is ours. And those who experienced it do feel bonded, I think, for life, in a way. And it's something I've thought about a lot since that essay was published in the New Yorker because of the number of people who reached out to me and wanted to talk about their own memories of this same world that we shared.

Peter Maravelis: In the New York Times review, Dwight Garner mentioned the phrase: “At the party, she was kindness in the hard crowd," from the Cream song "White Room." Is that in fact where your title came from?

Rachel Kushner: It is. I mentioned that in the title essay, it all becomes clear, or at least somewhat clear where I heard that song, and why I made it the title of this book. It's a good line.

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aro-aizawa · 4 years ago

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Do you think Crusader Kings is worth the price??

honestly???? idk. i think this kind of thing is always always always dependant on what your personal preferences is. if you love strategy games, it’s a good one. if you like a challenge, it’s a good one. if you can reasonably afford it? it’s a good one. like i’m not gonna lie and tell you that i didn’t hesitate to buy it but i did for a long time.

bc i have a reluctance to buy games if they’re over £20 and crusader kings 3 was twice that. AND if a game is too hard i give up, so i was worried that i’d only play like 6 hours and not play again. but i only bought it like less than a week ago and i’ve already got 51 hours.

personally, i’m really really enjoying it. because i love love love doing legacy stuff, where i can hand pick my heirs and have them inherit, and you can tweak the game rules so you don’t have to put up w some of the bad shit abt history, like making it so that it’s female centered so you can have the daughters inherit instead of the men, and you can set it to be equal. some game adjustments disable achievements for understandable reasons but you don’t have to play feeling the crushing weight of 10,000 year old sexism.

here’s a quick fire list of the things that i enjoy and dislike about crusader kings 3:

you can create your own rulers

the events are fun and interesting, varying heavily depending on your character

i just had an event where i found a puppy as a child and i had the option to take it as my own, get rid of it, give it to a friend or take it apart to see what’s inside (giving me a permanent boost to a stat)

and i once had a random event where a servant gave me food at a feast and asked how i liked it and got suspicious so i went into the kitchen to investigate more and found out that he was a cannibal so i could choose if i wanted to become a cannibal too, kill him immediately or throw him in jail.

it’s a LOT of micromanagement if you’re into that kind of thing and it does have a lot of customization options. which is really fun!! it can be kinda awkward to do but it’s fun.

i just like the idea of being a queen okay, ngl i love love love playing royalty in games so the idea that i can rule the whole known world??? ......yes.

you can adopt a dog if you get the right event.

things that i don’t really like/wish should be improved:

there are a lot of bugs. like. on the whole it’s kind of hard to notice, but when you’re playing it’s ridiculously easy and bothersome. they mess up pronouns a lot, and sometimes the game will alert you to things that haven’t happened.

there is a RIDICULOUS amount of people sleeping with other people. like, no joke your spymaster will tell you about 25 different people cheating on people and having kids w ppl out of wedlock. it can be infuriating when it happens to people in your direct family, especially your player heir.

because of that i like making a baby the player heir when my character is close to dying, but making your grandchildren and great-grandchildren your heirs is difficult without killing your own kids.

ngl it’s kiiiind of pricey. idk if it’s just my opinion and it’s hard to determine how much a game should be worth, but i think that £30 or £35 would suit it better than the £42 i paid for it. you’re probably best off waiting until it goes on sale.

it DOES take a fair bit of time to get used to the game. i had to restart it like 10 times just to get the hang of it bc there’s so many moving pieces in it that it’s deffo overwhelming if you jump in blind.

either way, it’s not really up to me to say if you should buy it or not. it all depends on your preferences and your financial situation. i technically shouldn’t have bought it myself because i’m a week away from getting paid but i’m without a large chunk of my money until then because of buying it. i’d definitely reccommend watching playthroughs or guides before you decide, it’s what i do when i’m iffy on getting a new game.

if you’ve got the time/attention span to watch long videos, i’d reccommend checking out ManyATrueNerd’s playthough. it’s where i got into the game, i’ve been a fan of him for over half a decade so he helps my adhd when i’m playing a game to have him in the background so i was looking for series of his that i could have on and i got into it lmao.

#anonymous #crusader kings 3 #and if you decide it's not for you i'd reccommend checking out manyatruenerd regardless #it's legitimately my favourite youtuber he's just #he's really comforting to listen to even for games i'm not into and super fun to watch for games i am #Anonymous #edit: i just realised you asked if it was worth the price not asking if you should buy it djdisjsyiwn #tdlr: if you can get it on sale that’ll be ideal but it’s ppppprobably worth it if you don’t #as long as the game is exactly up your alley i guess

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