#This thought has been sitting in my drafts unable to be expressed for like 9 months? 😅

[walkingstackofbooks]

Thinking about how Julian is so antsy in Distant Voices about his upcoming 30th birthday, and how he says he found out about his augmentations when he was 15.

How likely is it that he's hyperaware that half of his life has been spent living a lie, and that after his 30th birthday, he'll have spent more time knowing than not.

How far away did 30 seem to him when he was 15? How much did he assume he'd be found out before he ever got to that age?

How much longer does he think he's going to have left *after* turning 30? Being overly concerned about middle age is a somewhat humorous, if relatable, concept - but what happens when you know that your life could be over with one mistake that you're constantly on the edge of making?

How many close calls had there been in the last 15 years? How many more close calls will there be before he gets to 45? Which one will see him kicked out of Starfleet, out of medicine, into an institution? When will that be?

"Aging is part of the natural process of life", but he's not natural.

"When you hit thirty, it becomes harder and harder to ignore the passage of time": the passage of time, bringing him closer and closer to his inevitable discovery.

"In many human cultures, the thirtieth birthday is considered a sort of landmark. It marks the end of youth and the beginning of the slow march into middle age." Will Julian still be living in another 15 years time, or will he simply be existing, locked up somewhere, hidden away from society? Will he get to enjoy middle age, or will his youth be the only time he got to have?

Turning thirty means that for exactly half a lifetime, he's had to shoulder the weight of his secret. So yes, having to think about his thirtieth birthday does bring up a whole host of feelings that he can't quite manage to hide.

[putschki1969]

Hi Sarah! How's everything going? ヽ(・∀・)ﾉ I wanted to ask you if you know of any interviews were Consolation (the song) is discussed. Also, what is your interpretation of the song? I was randomly going around YT and got to hear this amazing piece live by our utahimes and got curious about it. Hope I don't bother you, thank you in advance!~ヾ(・ω・)

Hi there!!

Sorry, my reply is long-overdue. This has been sitting in my drafts for a very long time. “Consolation” is hands down one of Kalafina’s BEST songs, I LOVE IT SO MUCH. Especially the live version from their 9+ONE tour. Everyone needs to check it out in case they haven’t yet.

Back when the album was released I wasn’t as involved in the fandom as I am now and my Japanese was also not that great so I didn’t really know of any interviews where they discussed the song in detail. I had also never really taken a close look at the lyrics before.

Oh well, I thought I would use the opportunity to dig a little deeper. After a quick search I came across two interviews that provide a bit of insight regarding the album and the title song. I also tried to delve into the world of the lyrics and see what I could come up with.

My simple interpretation based on my findings 〈(•ˇ‿ˇ•)-→

I believe the song is fundamentally about the dilemma of wanting two things that are mutually exclusive. On the one hand you wish to find peace, relief and consolation but on the other hand you are greedy and you cannot stop wanting more. Since it seems you can’t have both you resign yourself to finding solace in the suffering you are enduring while struggling to fulfil all of your desires.

Below the cut you can check out my interview and lyric translations〈(•ˇ‿ˇ•)-→

Repotama Interview

Re album title and concept: Humans are greedy creatures by nature. There is a constant struggle to fulfil one’s own desires and ultimately there is also a wish to feel a true sense of comfort and consolation. However, one can never reach a point of absolute satisfaction but we might find consolation in the fact that having needs and desires is the only constant in our lives.

Re song: Due to its “coined words chorus” the song becomes quite exciting for the listeners. Our three distinctive voices are heard very clearly, Hikaru expresses a “fierce energy and determination regarding the fulfilment of one’s desires” and Wakana changes the song completely with her soothing and comforting vocals conveying a sense of “finding consolation amidst your struggles”. The duality which is expressed through those two voices enables you to fully enjoy Kalafina’s singing power.

Animate Times Interview

Re album title and concept: Consolation, relief and satisfaction are usually seen as something that stands in glaring contrast to our desires but maybe true comfort and consolation can be found within the suffering we are enduring in our constant pursuit of happiness and our struggles to fulfil our desires.

Re song: ――The title song『consolation』 feels extremely passionate, hard and energetic. One of its charms is the use of rare words such as  「むごたらしい / mugotarashii / incredibly brutal」, something that might not work for other songs.

Hikaru：I sang this word with a sense of unease, like feeling trapped *laughs*

Keiko："This song is hard so you can’t just use ordinary words in it”, that’s what Kajiura-san told us smiling wearily, this was one of her main worries regading the lyrics *laughs*. The melody is dramatic and the overall sound feels hard and unforgiving. When we listened to the music track my first impression was, “oh my God, this is so hard, where am I gonna breathe?” Kajiura-san’s inspiration for the music is also heavily reflected in the lyrics so I guess that’s why she was seeking out words that are rarely used in everday life. She also opted to have lines that are neither Japanese nor English but instead Latin. We have had elements of Latin in our songs before but in this particular song we all thought that Latin would be a particularly perfect fit.

――The part where you sing ＜Quo Vadis Domine？＞ right? The passion of the song and the Latin really go well together.

Keiko：It means＜Lord／Where are you going?＞. Since this is the title song of the album I think that Kajiura-san chose the lyrics very carefully in order to encourage many different interpretations, the words are supposed to stretch one’s imagination. Initially I thought the words were very difficult but as time went by I realised that the words were actually quite simple and raw. People seek comfort and relief, in order to reach that goal we are living our lives filled with greed, always thinking, “I want this or I want to be like that”. Hikaru is the one embodying this determination, this bundle of desires with her fierce vocals. Wakana on the other hand is the one who is asking with her voice, “is there any relief or consolation awaiting me at the end of it all?” I think those two things come across very clearly in the song.  It’s been about a month since we have finished the album production, after talking with Kajiura-san and singing the song together with the other two members as well as singing it by myself I think I can finally say that I understand the meaning of it. Also, I think the song was very difficult for you Wakana, wasn’t it?

Wakana：Yes. I sang this without any boundaries which was quite fun but it was also very hard. There are parts of the song that make total sense and other parts that are completely inconsistent, as such the song feels very raw and human.

―― There is a sense of “self-contradiction”“, like you are stuck having to choose between mutually exclusive alternatives. ＜Yet the greedy heart keeps reaching out / Unable to give up / Until it sleeps, satiated / It’ll take the darkest path＞. These lines very clearly express this sort of self-contradiction, on the one hand you are greedily seeking something while at the same time you are hoping to find peace and solace. I guess that’s a very human thing to do.

Wakana：Kajiura-san told us,"comfort and consolation are the opposite of desire, aren’t they?” People are motivated by their needs and desires "because comfort alone does not provide satisfaction”.

English Lyrics (taken from the Consolation booklet, with a few minor alterations)

Breathing alone won’t make wishes come true Please grant me tears and sorrow So I may go in deeper

Your God, so brutally beautiful Loved only those that were destroyed utterly and furiously

Quo Vadis Domine? A voice that can hardly be called a prayer I know one day your wishes alone will be answered

To the base of the taut sky We carry our burden And walked in haste as if to run away

Slowly, the first stars Shed light on your way Glittering in the pale depth of the valley

Quo Vadis Domine? One day I hope you will find consolation But if the heart remains wanting It will be unattainable

Yet the greedy heart keeps reaching out Unable to give up Until it sleeps, satiated It will take the darkest path

The soul that wants to devour all Spit out the dream it had clung to And shouted, “have mercy on me!”

Quo Vadis Domine? One day I hope you will find consolation When all has been burnt to pieces I believe you will finally reach your goal

[frayedcobweb]

Tag Game 11 11 11

I’ve bee tagged in this tag a few times by different wonderful people and I just realized that every tag has different questions (I’m naturally quick like that lol). I’ve decided that I will go through tonight and do each one in the order I received the tags and everyone on my tag list will learn more about me than they bargained for :D

This first one I was tagged in by the fantastically creative @theevolutionofledarose. So thank you so much for the tag, and I’m sorry this took so long. I won’t be tagging 11 people each time lol, I shall randomly tag a selection of people off my tag list :) I hope that’s okay.

1. Do you care how long a chapter is or it doesn’t matter?

I have a thing for long chapters. My chapters tend to default to around 5-7k or 10-11k if there’s a lot going on. I really have to talk myself into having a shorter chapter lol. Something I’m working towards is varying my chapter length and it’s taken me 4 drafts of Stillcity to get around to working on that.

2. What do you consider is your writing quirk?

Hmmm, that’s a tough one. Angst paired with toothrotting fluff is something I tend to write in everything of mine. And hugs... Everyone I write hugs so very much :)

3. What’s your favourite scene you’ve ever read?

Oh I have far too many to pick a definitive favorite. But I’ll pick the one that springs to mind at this moment (scene is subject to change at any other moment)... The scene in Terry Pratchett’s ‘A Hat Full of Sky’ where Tiffany takes the Hiver through the dark door omg I’m crying just thinking about it. Actually, anything Terry Pratchett has ever written about passing from life into death <3

4. What inspires you?

Many things. Most things. In some ways everything. The world around me impacts on my writing and takes me places that never have and never will exist. Emotions are a huge driver for me. I try and capture the things that I feel in my writing.

5. Do you have a writing space? What is it?

On my couch looking out the window. Or on the bed looking out the window. Or really anywhere I have a view of the outside :)

6. Do you have soundtrack for your WIPs?

I’ve never really done the whole soundtrack thing. I have braindead noise playing in the background when I write, like Youtube clips or something just to waylay that little bit of my mind that wanders.

7. Do you have face claims for your WIPs or just description?

I’ve done a couple of faceclaim attempts for characters, but they usually end up being video game characters that are almost right, or real people who are kind of right but really not. I wish I could draw my characters and in fact I’ve won a couple of giveaways through the writeblr community that have resulted in amazing depictions of some of my characters.

8. What was your hardest scene to write?

I don’t really have an answer to that lol. I’ve got a couple of stories where I have been stuck for a very long time, unable to write the next scene... Yeah, so I guess it would be the sort of scene after the climax of a story that segues into the aftermath part.

9. What was your hardest scene to read?

I don’t deal well with other peoples’ embarrassment. Anything that convincingly writes someone being humiliated or causing their own embarrassment will probably have me put down the book to work up the intestinal fortitude to keep reading.

10. What’s the character you can relate to most?

I assume this means my characters :) I really relate to all my characters in different ways. Even the evil ones because they’re kind of expressing parts of myself that I don’t express with real people in the real world. Probably the character I relate to the most at the moment is Ciaran, but I would be hard pressed to tell you why.

11. Do people close to you know you’re writing?

Yeah :) My family and friends are amazingly supportive of my writing. Not too many of them have read my stuff, but I’m working on loosening my white-knuckled grip on my writing and letting people read it. Writeblr amazing people are helping with that :D

Alright. So, questions are as follows. (No pressure to answer if I tag you).

1. What is your favorite title or chapter title you’ve ever come up with? 2. Have you ever thought about the voice of your characters and if so, have you ever voice-claimed people? 3. What do you find hardest when world-building? 4. Do you create a whole world when starting a story or do you flesh out a smaller local area? 5. What is a recurring theme that keeps coming up in your writing? 6. Where do you get your names for your characters from? 7. Do you ever draw things/people from your writing? 8. Do you have a setting/environment that you prefer to place your stories in? 9. What’s the most you’ve ever written in one sitting? 10. Do prefer fantasy or sci-fi (magic or science) to write? 11. Have you ever created a language or an alphabet (not necessarily for a particular story, just ever)?

Tagging @focusdumbass, @cawolters, @writingwordsanddrawingpictures (not 11 people, but I’ll do another one shortly. If you want to do this one instead of the one you’re tagged in or whatever then go for it).

[fountainpenguin]

Ex-“All I Ever Wanted” Prompt

Rough draft for a scrapped Prompt about Remy and Juandissimo golfing with H.P. and Sanderson, following the return of Remy’s magical memories. This was the “All I Ever Wanted” Prompt until a few weeks ago, when I spontaneously decided to write that piece about Poof and Goldie instead.

This was one of the first few Prompts I ever drafted, so letting go is pretty bittersweet. I think it’s adorable, but I just couldn’t get it to cooperate. Enjoy it for what it is.

95. All I Ever Wanted (Takes place shortly after “Remy Rides Again”)

Autumn of the Frozen Planet

Captive audience. That was why the eleven-year-old loved the rolling golf course behind the Fancy Schmancy Country Club so much. It made them pay attention to him, and to very little else. He could talk, and his words were impossible to avoid. At least, when the listener’s hands were both around the handle of the club. The experience was cathartic. Best of all, it was free. Or the second-best thing to free, anyway- it required just a small amount of his time. Those therapeutic golf sessions were regular occurrences. They were his lifeline.

He remembered missing them. After he’d lost his fairy godparent, he’d spent so many days playing the course alone. Babbling to himself in a language he spoke without hesitation but couldn’t remember learning. Checking his cell phone for stock market updates as he waited for an invisible person to take their turn. And then, when the invisible person didn’t, he always felt foolish. Only to do it again at the next hole. The next. The next.

It all flooded back to him when Juandissimo came home. [Remy reflecting on magic memories and what Juan means to him. Remy holds Juan at a distance. He’s appreciative, but not overly sentimental.]

[Remy has been sitting on the country club steps for about fifteen minutes. He has no idea who is coming, only that he feels like someone is supposed to be- it’s that time of the week, after all. He always waits. Juan is with him, being his usual infinitely patient self despite Remy’s bitterness. He tries to find ways to entertain Remy, who scoffs and rolls his eyes. Suddenly, ping!]

As the scattered, vaguely pixelated cloud of magic faded away, Remy sprang to his feet. “And another thing I hate about my parents-!”

“Dear Rembrandt, I only just got here,” the Head Pixie drawled in his patient, stilted Spanish. “Can this wait until at least the third hole?”

Remy flinched inwardly. Sure, his memories of their past golf games were still hazy, but he knew one thing. H.P. called people by the names they introduced themselves as, or the name they signed their paperwork with, or their surnames if he really didn’t like them. He’d never said ‘Rembrandt’ since the first time Juandissimo had let it slip. No one ever, ever called him by his full first name except Turner’s anti-godfather, and they’d only met at dinner club one time.

“Well! I still have a lot to say. If you don’t want to be here, you don’t have to be. But if you’re going to use the Fancy Schmancy Country Club golf course, you either have to be a member, or be invited in by someone who is. You’re not a member. And forging documents with magic is illegal. So, you have to listen to me if you want to play.”

The Head Pixie lifted one eyebrow. The amount of frustrated Spanish he understood was always up to debate, but the words ‘forging’ and ‘illegal’ he obviously recognized. “Yes, I’m aware of that fact. Very well. Play the hole and continue.”

Remy tossed his red ball into the grass and lined it up with the lower end of his club.

[Remy / H.P. discussion goes here. This discussion lasts the length of the golf game, and mostly revolves around Remy’s opinions on money and family. We glimpse that his mom is an author who is usually in her office not to be disturbed, and she smokes. Implied that she smoked during her pregnancy; couldn’t be bothered to stop for Remy’s health. Remy’s dad has never physically abused him, but Remy is unreasonably skittish around him- when their paths cross in the mansion, Remy hurriedly straightens up and brushes himself down, waiting to be acknowledged by his father, but his dad passes with barely a glance- if he even glances at him at all.]

[Remy’s attitude towards his parents at age 9 can best be described as “heartbroken” which transitions into bitter once Juan comes into his life. Only when Juan gives him affection does Remy realize how unfair it is his parents never do, and he begins resenting kids who have happy families.]

[Remy’s parents barely tolerate each other; his dad is sex-repulsed, has no sex drive whatsoever, and no sympathy for his wife’s high sex drive. Remy doesn’t know, but his mom actually had him with his dad’s twin. During Remy’s rant, Juan becomes more and more agitated as Remy describes his parents, especially his mom. Juan seems to have an unreasonable amount of resentment towards Seneca. Most of it stems from the fact that she decided to keep Remy but doesn’t care about him; Seneca had her affair with Oliver in an attempt to make Bennett jealous, and those two are twins so she tried to believe she was having Remy with her husband.]

[Juan is personally offended that Seneca takes her ability to bear children lightly, as he cannot have kids (pre-Poof). His own dad was sterile until genie magic gave him the ability to have Juan; Juan technically doesn’t have a mother since he was created out of genie magic and never knew her, and family is important to him. He doesn’t begrudge Bennett for Remy’s misery as much as Seneca, since Bennett technically played no part in Remy’s existence. Juan knows Remy’s true parents, though Remy will go his entire life without finding out. No point in telling him his biological dad is a jerk too.]

[Juan’s dream is to marry / have kids. I see Juan as this huge flirt who’s super charming, honest, sweet, and caring. He’s that sexy guy everyone thinks is into flings, but he subverts the trope by wanting commitment; he’d never kiss someone he doesn’t see himself having a future with. His dream contrasts Remy’s dream to never marry. Juan’s “mom” genie is probably Crimsona’s ancestor, meaning both sides of Gary’s family have connection to the name. 

NOTE: Juan’s obsession with Wanda comes from his clingy personality, NOT because his subspecies is lifelong monogamous. He can’t move on because HE is choosing not to. Biology has nothing to do with it and should never be viewed as a possible excuse for his behavior. He’s just a clingy person.]

[As the golf game goes on, Juan and Sanderson are constantly circling each other, silently defending their respective charges. Remy isn’t aware, but Juan is fighting the influence of pheromones and Sanderson is getting his kicks out of deliberately “teasing” him. Sanderson is the alpha and Juan is gritting his teeth trying not to be lured from Remy’s side to H.P.’s.]

[Basically stuff goes on in background while Remy and H.P. talk. Remy gets increasingly frustrated as he rants about the general unfairness of his life.]

“Remy, I can’t understand you when you speak that fast.”

“My parents hate me,” Remy muttered back, slipping into English again.

“They don’t hate you. Probably. They might. It’s showing emotions that they hate.”

“What do you know about love?” he snapped.

“Very little,” H.P. admitted breezily. “Pixies are incapable of it.”

“[Spanish]”

The Head Pixie turned his head towards Juandissimo. “I didn’t catch that last part.”

“He said he wishes to live without marriage as he cannot trust humans,” the fairy translated.

“Good.”

[Remy continues to rant through the next hole until H.P. interrupts him.]

“Are you sure about that?”

The Head Pixie rarely expressed any interest in Remy’s ranting. So that little comment actually made him turn around.

[Convo transitions to H.P. pointing out that Remy seems attached to Juan, so clearly Remy does have a caring parental figure. Juan glows with praise, until H.P. muses aloud that Juan might be faking affection in order to keep his godparenting job.]

[Juan is miffed by this comment since he literally kicked butt in Fairy Court for Remy, but he’s so flustered he can hardly speak. Sanderson quietly moves between Juan and H.P., and pheromones shut Juan down from furious to moping, though that’s glossed over since we’re in Remy’s POV. Remy probably doesn’t know Juan’s past yet b/c we’re pre-murder mystery story. Juan unhappily lets the issue drop, and Remy pushes convo forward.]

“Wait,” Remy said. “You mean… You knew? That Juandissimo broke the rules to get my memory back?”

The Head Pixie swung his club. The ball bounced off a rock, the fountain, and shattered a window. Sanderson lifted his phone and pinged the ball back to the course. “Another hole in one, sir.”

“It’s my job to know who breaks the rules,” he said finally.

“Isn’t it against the rules for your lackey to cheat the game for you?”

The two pixies exchanged sideways glances. H.P. tugged at his tie. “Not in a casual game when the score doesn’t matter.”

“I thought this was how you played,” Sanderson said, still in monotone. Remy squinted, unable to decide if the statement was actually a question and pixies couldn’t tilt their voices up that way at the end, or if Sanderson was being completely serious.

[More convo? Golf in silence?]

The ball stopped a solid two feet from the tunnel. Sanderson lifted his phone, but H.P. made a motion for him not to mess with it. He’d play it where it lay, evidently. Remy’s swipe landed nearby. As the Head Pixie trailed down to putt the ball through the tunnel, Remy looked up at the pixie who lingered behind. “Do you understand what that’s like, Sanderson? To have parents who wouldn’t notice if you went off and died somewhere in the backyard?”

Sanderson tilted his head. “No. I don’t.”

“I would notice if you did that,” Juandissimo put in, poking his head out from behind Sanderson’s wings.

“Then I am not talking about you.”

[Golf game wraps up. Juan’s nerves are wound tight by this point.]

The Head Pixie pinged away his club and ball and held out his hand for a shake. “That was a very good game, Remy. I’d wondered if your skills would slip during that time when our sessions were postponed, but I can see you’re still improving tremendously.”

“Thanks. What do you think I should do?”

“Keep your back straight, bend lower, and keep your legs spread apart.”

“I meant about the situation with my parents,” Remy said, irritated but not surprised that he had to bring the topic back up.

The Head Pixie blinked. “I have no idea. That’s not my problem.”

[eirabach]

Heathens [9/14]

Summary: After the events of Renegades, Emma finds herself the reluctant monarch of a struggling Kingdom, her only advisors a mish mash of those who’ve betrayed her in the past, and her only comfort one very uncomfortable pirate.

Believing her long lost parents could still be alive, Emma and Killian set out to find them and reunite them with both their daughter and their throne.

Easy.

Right?

Thank you so much to everyone who’s commented so far, I hope you continue to enjoy! This chapter and the previous are two of my favourite things I’ve written - so I hope you like them too! All my thanks and love as ever to @phiralovesloki and @katie-dub for their beta work and general amazingness, and to @seastarved for her incredible artwork! Extra thanks to Katie for taking over posting duties for me whilst I’m otherwise engaged!

Rated: E. Warnings for violence and corporal/capital punishment in previous chapter  - this one is smutty so be aware.

This chapter 3.5k

Other Pairings: Snowing

Catch up on tumblr: Prologue One Two Three Four Five Six Seven or here on AO3

Chapter Eight: Welcome Home

Anywhere is a barn, not derelict enough to be truly abandoned, but in a bad enough way that they can be reasonably sure of a few hours rest. Nonetheless, Emma is quick to fumble with the buckles of Killian’s brace, breathing out a private sigh of relief when his hook is firmly back in place at his side.

 David settles himself against the rings of an old ladder that leads up to a hayloft and jerks his head upwards.

 “He looks terrible. Get some rest.”

 “Oi,” Killian grouses, wobbling slightly as Emma dares to let go of him for a moment. David lifts his brows.

 “My point.”

 “But what about you?” Emma asks, eyes raking over his exhausted expression. “You've had - ”

 “A hell of a day, yes. But I'm used to watching over sheep for days at a time. I'm sure I can manage.”

 “If you're sure…”

 “I'm sure. Go.”

 Emma looks between his determined face, Killian’s unsteady posture, and the rotting ladder and furrows her brow.

 “Hang on,” she tells Killian, gripping his arm firmly. “I've got an idea.”

 “I'd rather not know,” she hears David grouse under his breath, as she wills her magic to listen.

 Rest, she tells it. Safe. And they're enveloped in a cloud of white-grey smoke that dissipates to reveal the straw strewn floor of the hay loft.

 “Well,” she says, eyes wide, “would you look at that?”

 Killian sighs beside her, the sound ending on a wheeze that makes her heart sink, and she sets to work.

The straw isn’t all that fresh - damp and a little musty as she flings it into the largest, softest pile she can manage - and the walls of the barn creak terribly, the gaps between the wooden boards letting through sharp breezes and bright moonlight in equal measure. None of it matters, though. Nothing matters but the man clinging to her arm.

“I’m not an invalid, Swan,” he complains, his voice still wrecked, proving himself a liar by the way he leans heavily against her. “I can make my own bed.”

 “Not planning on sharing then?” she mutters, trying to fluff the straw into something vaguely pillow like.

 He sighs, and the act makes him cough, a terrible, hacking thing that makes the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end.

 “That isn’t what I meant,” he manages when he’s able to catch his breath, and she turns to him, her hand gentle against the raw mark on his neck.

 “I know,” she says softly. “And that isn’t what I meant either. Just let me take care of you, just this once. I swear you can be as contrary as you like tomorrow, but Killian - ” It’s her turn to choke now, the words lying thick in her throat. “If it hadn’t been for Ariel - ”

 “Aye,” he says, with some of his old cheek, “I did say the mermaids would help, didn’t I? Although this isn’t - ” he coughs, “isn’t quite what I had in mind.”

 “Don’t joke,” Emma hisses, fisting her hand in his shirt, “I thought you were dead.”

 Killian’s body seems to sag.

 “To be quite honest, love. So did I.”

 She lowers him down to the makeshift bed as gently as she can, her fingers ghosting over the marks at his wrists, her brow furrowed at the way he shivers in the draft.

 “I wish it were warmer.”

 “If it were, it might be harder to be certain I’ve not descended below, Swan. Not,” he adds as her expression darkens at the implication, “that I’d expect such an angel to attend me there.”

 “If you’re trying for smooth, it’s not working,” she says, shedding her overcoat and tucking it neatly beneath his shoulders and at the crease of his elbows. “You can’t flirt your way out of this state.”

 Killian grimaces, shifting until his hand is free and tugging gently at the ends of her hair as she leans over him. “Certain? Because it is a little chilled, Swan, and I’ve heard wonderful things about body heat.”

 He smirks, but it’s a pale, exhausted thing, the tilt of his mouth making the bruises stand out brighter, the smudges under his eyes only more defined by the crinkles that appear there, and she’s filled with the sudden urge to climb under with him, to strip herself as naked as the exhaustion in his eyes and surrender herself to the fire between them until everything burns to nothing in the inferno.

 And life is short. So, so short, and so fragile, that even though he’s exhausted, the mark at his throat taunts her with how close she came to losing him and she finds herself helpless to resist.

 “Alright,” she says, pulling her shirt over her head and smiling wickedly as his eyes widen. “Better keep the noise down, yeah? We’ve neighbours.”

 “Your father,” Killian splutters as her breeches are flung across the loft space. “Emma - ”

 “Emma what?” She sits back on his thighs, one hand cupping a breast, and quirks her eyebrow in her best impression of the man beneath her. “I didn’t take you for a coward, Captain. It was your idea.”

 He groans, a long, desperate thing, and arcs his body up to kiss her. His lips are dry, his kisses more needy, not as considered or precise as usual, his hand trembling as he struggles with the rough blanket between them and casts it aside. Emma soothes him as best she can, her own hands firm and steady across the planes of his chest, no hesitation as she slides them lower and beneath the thin cotton of his prison issue breeches.

 “I miss the leather,” she murmurs, slipping lower as she takes him in hand, the heat of him in her palm a vivid reassurance of life. “But there's something to be said for easy access.” She lets just the tip of him lie against her tongue, waiting for the telltale catch of breath and the fluttering close of those dark lashes before pulling away to breathe, “Let me take care of you?”

 He nods, his hand ghosting against the length of her hair, and she lets herself drop to her elbows, her own eyes closing as she sucks and laves at him.

 He's silent but for the occasion whimper, his hand fisted in the straw of their poor bed as she works mouth and hand over him, her own arousal rising into a dull roar even as her mind works overtime, the words she still struggles to say slipping out in the way she marks him as her own.

 She presses I thought you were dead into the sensitive spot at the ridge of his cock, writes a thousand I missed yous with each swipe of her tongue, and when he shudders beneath her, she feels her heart throb I love you with every pulse of his release.

 “Emma,” he gasps, his hand cradling her head as she swallows, her eyes still closed. “Emma, look at me.”

 She blinks, shocked at the film of tears she hadn't realised she'd shed, and watches a tired smile work its way over his face.

 “I missed you, too,” he says.

 She sits up, her shoulders straight, and brings her knees up to rest at his flanks, her arousal hot against his belly.

 “Yeah?” she says.

 “Aye.” His face is still soft, but there's a hint of steel in his tone, his eyes dark and lust ridden as he curls his hook beneath her knee and pulls her further up his body. “Allow me to prove it?”

 She can’t help herself, laughing as he pulls her closer and she falls back on her elbows, her legs falling open until she’s spread before him.

 “What was that about being quiet, love?” She raises an eyebrow, and his smile turns feral. “Care to make a bet?”

 “Why not,” she says, grinning down at him. “Either way, I win.”

 “Oh, darling,” he croons, rising up until her legs are over his shoulders and she’s lying back against his body, his half-hard cock resting against her cheek. “There are no losers here.”

 She licks her lips as his cock twitches, her nails digging into his sides as he begins to work her with his mouth, and she figures there’s more than one way to keep quiet.

 He lets out an ungodly moan as she turns to run her tongue along his length, but her breathless little laugh of victory is cut short as he parts her thighs further with hook and hand and presses the flat of his tongue hard against her clit before flicking across her just roughly enough to make her back arch.

 “Minx,” he mumbles, the vibrations of his words making her shiver. “I swear you’re trying to get me killed.”

 “You don’t need my help with that,” she gasps out as he brings his hook into play to hold her open as he flicks relentlessly against her, the cool metal sending shudders along her spine. He pauses, and she looks down at him along the line of her belly only to see him wink.

 “Then shush.”

 Emma turns her head, opens her mouth, and for once, does as she’s told.

 --

 Afterwards, they lie, sticky and sated, with Emma’s cheek pillowed against Killian’s still rapidly rising chest, their legs tangled together and the blanket long since discarded.

 “Quite the picture for your father to walk in on, Swan,” Killian had said when he’d tried to tug the blanket back over them, but she’d simply shook her head, unable to care about things like dignity, and company, and a man who may or may not be her father, when she was warm and comfortable and curled up in Killian’s arms.

 “I’m not moving,” she’d said, and Killian hadn’t pressed the issue.

 Now the cool draft from dusk has turned almost icy in the dark of night, and Killian’s large hand against her back can only do so much to chase the goosebumps away.

 “At least take your coat back,” he says lowly as she burrows her cold nose closer into his side. “You’ll freeze.”

 “Don’t care,” she mutters, her head rising and falling as he sighs.

 “Emma…”

 “Don’t.” She looks up, surprised to find her eyes are already wet as she struggles for the words she needs. “I thought you were dead.”

 “You mentioned.”

 “No - I - I truly thought you were gone, and I - I realised something.”

 He sits up slightly against the straw, the lines around his eyes relaxing as he smiles down at her. “Go on.”

 “I was angry at you,” she admits. “Furious. I thought you had kept those things - the dagger, the heart - because you didn’t trust me, didn’t want me around - ” He moves to speak, his brow furrowing, and she rests a cool fingertip against his lips. “No, no don’t. Let me - I’m not good at this, you know.”

 “I entirely beg to differ,” he mumbles, pressing the tip of his tongue against the pad of her finger. “You’re really very impressive.”

 “Not that, idiot. I know I’m good at - but anyway. Killian, I was so mad at you. Blue had said -”

 “What did she say?”

 “That you were,” she bites her lip, “being indiscrete. With the kitchen girls.”

 His eyes go wide. “And you believed her? I was teaching them letters, Swan, had you asked...”

 “No! Well… maybe, just a little, but I thought - I knew you. I knew you wouldn’t betray me. But then I found the heart and the dagger and I -”

 “I know.” He lets his head flop back, his hand coming up to tangle in her hair. “You were right to be. I knew I should have cast those accursed items off the highest tower the moment those two villains were banished, but I - ”

 “But what?”

 “Would you believe, Swan, that I was afraid?”

 “You?” she laughs, twisting her fingers in the fabric of his shirt. “I thought Captain Hook was never afraid.”

 “Maybe not,” he says, running his hand over her shoulder to rest over her own. “But Killian Jones is.”

 “What of?”

 “You.” She goes to move back, but he holds her in place, his hook sending goosebumps up her spine as he presses the curve of it into her hip. “Don’t misunderstand me, Emma. I’ve no fear of death or battle, but you. You fill me with a terror I haven’t felt in centuries. I couldn’t bear - didn’t bear - losing you.”

 “You won’t lose me,” she says with an almost venomous certainty. “You won’t. You and I, we’re a team.”

 He sighs again, and she feels the calming reverberations through her body as he relaxes beneath her.

 “As you wish,” he says, and she burrows ever closer into his side.

 “I do,” she tells him. “I really do.”

 (He’s asleep before she realises she still hasn’t told him she loves him.

 She doesn’t wake him.)

 --

 The sun breaks through the gaps in the walls and casts them both in stripes of golden light, the brightness stinging Emma’s eyes as she struggles towards wakefulness. Her face is still pillowed against Killian’s chest, although at some point in the night he must have moved in order to wrap her in their makeshift blanket - his bare skin is cool where it lies in shadow, and it scares her, her fingers tightening in his chest hair as she searches for a heartbeat.

 “I haven’t gone anywhere,” he murmurs, his eyes still closed. “I’m still just here.”

 Emma tries to surreptitiously wipe an escaping tear away without him noticing, and drops a kiss just above his heart.

 “Good.”

 He lets out a long sigh, tightening his arm where it rests over her hip, and she thinks for a moment he’s about to sit up, but instead he just rolls them until they’re lying side by side and burrows his face into the space between her breasts.

 “I missed you,” he mutters, presses into her skin, “You would have been my last thought - my last wish, Emma - ”

 She takes a great shuddering breath, and winds her finger into his hair. It’s getting long, she realises, and something about that thought makes her hold on tighter. Maybe it’ll be easier if she can’t see his face?

 (Maybe it’ll be easier with his tears on her skin.)

 “Killian - Killian, I - ”

 She doesn’t hear the footsteps on the ladder until it’s too late, the door to the loft swinging open and letting in a blaze of sunlight and the broad figure of -

 Oh gods. Of her dad.

 “Hey! Hey we need to get up, we need to - what the hell?”

 Emma scrambles desperately at the meagre cover offered by her coat, but it’s far too little too late, David’s mouth opening and closing in mute horror until he spins on his heel.

 “It’s morning,” he tells the door. “We need to get a move on, and I don’t mean whatever - whatever moves you two have planned.”

 “I see sleep hasn’t improved your mood,” says Killian wryly as he disentangles his legs from Emma’s.

 “I think the less you speak to me, the better.”

 “Alright, alright. David - Dad - can you maybe give us a little privacy? Please?”

 “Alright,” David says, much more gently. “I’ll wait in the main barn - but don’t take too long about it. We don’t know how long that spell will keep the king’s men at bay.”

 “Believe me,” mutters Killian, “it would take a hell of a lot longer than that.” And winks at Emma’s horrified expression.

 “And on that note,” says David in mock joviality. “I’m off to be sick.”

 He leaves the loft door open behind him, leaving Emma to hiss her annoyance at Killian in dark whispers as she struggles back into her breeches and ties a piece of baling twine around her unruly hair.

 “What are you trying to do?” she asks, grimacing as she flicks a mouse dropping off her shirt. “I thought you liked not being killed?”

 “Your father won’t kill me,” Killian says, a little too loudly for Emma’s liking. “I think I’m growing on him.”

 “Like a fungus!” comes echoing up the loft stairs, and Killian grins.

 “It’s a start!”

 --

 David is still scowling when they make their way down to ground level, his fist tight around the pommel of his stolen sword, and his body held tight and alert.

 “We can’t stay here,” he says without preamble. “We need a plan to find your mother, and we need it now.”

 “I have another contact,” Killian says. “A fairy - ex-fairy, as it happens - but she’s one to have her ear to the ground. The fae may well know something we don’t.”

 “Something Blue hasn’t already told you, you mean?” David asks, wrinkling his nose. “Why wouldn’t she have shared any information the fae have?”

 “Did she strike you as terribly enthusiastic about this mission from the off, Emma?” Killian asks, and Emma shakes her head.

 “He does have a point.”

 “Wait.” David steps in between them, although he only addresses Emma. “The Blue Fairy is your godmother, Emma. She’d have told you anything you needed to know, I’m sure of it.”

 “I wouldn’t count on that, mate,” scoffs Killian. “You might have done better inviting Maleficent to the Christening”

 “Oh, so a member of our inner circle isn’t trustworthy - but your source is?”

 Killian shrugs, and scratches at his right ear. “I got her out of Neverland, she owes me a favour.”

 David raises his eyebrows and folds his arms across his chest.

 “Neverland, really?”

 Killian mirrors his actions, his chin raised defiantly. “Spent two centuries there. Or thereabouts. I've seen things that would make your hair curl - ” He looks David up and down. “Well, curlier.”

 “Done them too, I expect,” sniffs David.

 “I've always been good at surviving,” Killian counters, and David’s hand comes up to rub at his neck meaningfully.

 “Is that the case?”

 Emma groans, pressing her palm to her throbbing temple.

 “Killian - David, don't. This isn't helping.”

 “Perhaps not,” David says, glaring at Killian. “But it is very interesting.”

 “What exactly are you implying, mate?”

 “I’m not your mate.”

 “Okay, okay!” Emma forces herself between them, one hand on David’s bicep and the other held out placatingly towards Killian. “Yes, alright? I get it. Almost getting hanged isn't the best bonding experience, but I need you, okay? I need both of you. Snow White needs you.”

 David deflates slightly, his hands twitching at his sides, as the two of them break eye contact to look at the ground.

 “So,” Killian says, with a trace of apology in his tone. “The fairy?”

 “Actually,” Emma says. “About that. I already found her.”

 “Really?” Killian beams at her. “Good job, Swan. How so?”

 “Less said about that, the better, I think,” Emma says, nodding meaningfully towards David who frowns. “I had help.”

 “From who?” David asks, his eyes narrowed.

 Emma scuffs the toe of her boot through the straw, and shrugs apologetically.

 “The king?”

 “The one who tried to kill us,” deadpans David.

 “But he didn’t,” Emma says swiftly, the sharp pang of fear searing back through her at the reminder. “And it was the queen who helped me save you, and you did break the law.”

 “I’ll get you a sheriff's medallion,” grouses Killian. “Make it official.”

 “Anyway - that’s not - that doesn’t even matter. They just led me to a source who told me where I could find her.”

 “Who was that?” asks David, and Emma grins.

 “I think you knew him as Grumpy.”

 “Oh gods,” David moans, rubbing his hand over his face. “At least tell me the fairy could help?”

 “She gave me this.” Emma fishes the vial of dust from between her breasts and holds it up to the light.

 “Dirt,” grumbles Killian. “She would.”

 “Funnily enough, she spoke rather highly of you,” Emma says archly as Killian winces. “She said magic attracts magic, so all I need to do is… make it do that. Somehow.”

 “Okay,” says David. “What are you waiting for?”

 “I’m not an expert, you know,” she grumbles as she turns the vial over in her hand. “I need to… hang on.”

 She fishes a scrap of paper from her boot before she closes her eyes and tries to imagine the witch they seek. She imagines shelves stocked with spells, a cottage hidden in the woods perhaps, or maybe a cave. She thinks of her mother, of the tattered paper pinned to the wall of Tinkerbell’s workshop, the faded lines of her mother’s jaw, the defiance in her inky glare.

 In her hand the vial grows hot, and then, as she opens her eyes, she sees it glowing, bright and golden.

 “Worth a shot,” she murmurs, and uncorks it, tipping the contents into the crumpled surface of the paper.

 A golden string works its way out of the vial and begins to twist and turn over the creases, the sunlight glittering off it as it forms a bright, sparkling map of the forest ahead, a single spot marked with a great gold X.

 “Huh,” she turns to Killian and David with a smile and shrugs. “That was easy.”

[goodguyjean]

“Honesty is a bad habit of mine”: Jean’s Honesty in Attack on Titan, Part 1

So a partial draft of this has been sitting in my documents for a few weeks now, but today feels like a relatively timely moment to post it because of two things that have happened recently: Jean’s character song “Rusty Honesty” has been released and—as @imperfecteclipse informed me!— last Sunday was apparently national honesty day! So let’s talk about Jean’s most defining trait!

Jean’s attempt to persuade Armin and Reiner to assist him in stalling the Female Titan, Chapter 23.

In an interview published with the first volume of Attack on Titan in English, Isayama states that Jean is his favorite character in the series because, “Jean comes right out and says what he’s thinking, even if it’s something you normally couldn’t say. That’s what I like about him.” However, many characters within the manga don’t find Jean’s forthrightness quite as endearing. Shadis, for instance, compares Jean’s personality to “a drawn sword, which tends to create conflict” (chapter 18) and Jean himself calls honesty his “bad habit” (chapter 15). It’s a personality trait—or perhaps we should say personality commitment���with consequences, often putting him at odds with others because his observations make them uncomfortable.

What I find fascinating about Attack on Titan is that Jean is never, at any point of the narrative, asked to totally give up this “bad habit”: instead, his honesty—which often takes the form of dissent—is presented as a potential asset, particularly to his development as a future leader within the Corps. In the early chapters, his honesty gives way to cynical defeatism and apathy, but over time he develops it into a tool of productive critique. He never quite assimilates comfortably into the Survey Corps, working instead to keep them on their toes. He reminds both the Survey Corps and the reader of the stakes involved in fighting the titans, wondering what it means to achieve “the greater good” at such high costs.  

It’s a trait that, when used to actively question the world order rather than just passively observe it, makes Jean dangerous. And I’ve decided to talk about it in two parts, because pulling it apart and looking at in depth has proven to be quite an undertaking, haha. This part will focus on Jean’s honesty in the early narrative (and what he means when he terms himself an honest man) and part two will explore how it assists his development as a leader up through the Return to Shiganshina arc.

As is the case with pretty much all of my Jean metas, this reading of his role in the series is entirely dependent on the manga. As I have argued here, the anime’s characterization of Jean is quite different, which significantly alters his role in the narrative.

More under the cut!

To my understanding, the early narrative of Attack on Titan establishes Jean as honest to almost a fault, but makes it clear that this honesty is rooted in a distrust for authority and the ways in which people in powerful use rhetoric to maintain control over the populace. One of the major roles Jean plays in the narrative, therefore, is to offer a realist perspective, one with which idealists such as Eren, Marco, Armin, and Erwin Smith must seriously contend if they want to prove themselves better than the king’s men. For Jean, the ends don’t automatically justify the means, and there are several moments where his position is held up as both viable and valuable. It is classic Isayama moral ambiguity: while sacrifices must sometimes be made, Honest Jean exists within the narrative to ask “at what cost?”

I’ve discussed “Pre-Trost Jean” quite extensively before, most notably here and here, but in this piece I want to focus exclusively on his honesty. My reading of Jean’s character before the events of Trost is that he is an observant and sharp teenager who is highly suspicious of empty rhetoric, critiquing the meaningless platitudes of the royal the government, Marco, and even Eren. Most importantly, his readings of people and situations are usually accurate. Jean’s commitment to understanding reality stands almost in defiance to Attack on Titan’s position that there are always multiple truths—perhaps to raise doubts about whether all “truths” are, indeed, equally valid.

Here are some notable moments when Jean describes his outlook.

Chapter 3. 

Chapter 3. 

Chapter 15.

“Honest” and “realist” are labels which Jean chooses for himself, but we come to trust his self-assessment over the course of the Trost arc, where we see him as both eager to get a good grasp on the situation (he follows Armin, Mikasa, Reiner, Bertolt, and Annie to check on what’s up with the Rogue Titan, for instance) and quite cautious (out of everyone, Jean is the only person who wants to leave the Rogue Titan to its fate).

Chapter 9.

I think it’s important to recognize that Jean’s preference for honesty and suspicion is a choice, one which we can actually see him making in a flashback to his cadets days, when Shadis asks him why he joined the military.

Chapter 15.

These panels mark a pause, perhaps where Jean thinks about what his answer will be. He’s already heard responses like Armin’s (”To make myself useful in the struggle for humanity’s victory, sir!”) and while he knows this answer to be “correct,” he decides to flout authority--which is asking for his service to the realm--and be honest about his motives. It’s small (and he receives a headbutt for his troubles!), but it communicates his dissent to the accepted cultural narrative for why these children serve. He’s serving because he wants a better life and a sense of security which he most likely lacks (I’m an OVA denier, sorry; it just doesn’t make sense).

(As a side note,  I think Armin’s phrasing is deliberately vague for the same reasons that Jean is overly honest--Armin, who is also suspicious of the cull, doesn’t say he will serve the king, like Marco, but that he will serve humanity. Even at this stage in the narrative, Armin and Jean have similar thoughts about their situation, but take different approaches.)

However, Shadis’ headbutt is indicative of the type of reaction Jean’s honesty usually receives. Shadis observes later that Jean is not particularly beloved among the other recruits.

Chapter 18. 

And Jean himself is hyperaware that his critiques create conflict with his comrades, as we see in a scene where he apologizes to Eren for calling him a coward. Jean admits that his intention is not to get a rise out of Eren and calls honesty his “bad habit”: he’s even willing to negotiate a truce, before Mikasa shows up.

Chapter 15.

Likewise, Jean apologizes to Armin after he takes a “joke” about insubordination (an expression of his frustration at being kept in the dark by Erwin Smith while on his first expedition outside Wall Rose) a bit too far, realizing that he’s worrying Armin.

Chapter 25.

I take these moments as proof that Jean, while sometimes confrontational and reactionary (particularly with Eren, but sometimes with Marco and Sasha as well), doesn’t particularly relish hurting other people’s feelings (although he does sometimes use very impolite language to express himself!). While he could work on tone and learn when to pick his battles, he usually has a point he’s trying to make. Ultimately, his comrades come to realize this too, with Sasha and Connie deciding to enlist in spite of the horrors of Trost because Jean refuses to try to persuade them and instead tells it to them like it is.

Chapter 21. My theory about what Jean’s body is doing in that last panel.

We also learn in these early chapters that Jean can take back (and perhaps even appreciate) what he deals out. After all, it is Marco’s somewhat tactless but overall correct assessment of Jean which spurs the latter to join the Survey Corps after Trost is nearly destroyed.

Chapter 18. Jean seems a little nonplussed but he doesn’t deny it. 

Similarly, he seems to accept Annie’s jibe in during the graduation party: 

Chapter 3. 

And he also takes Reiner’s wondering critique during their confrontation with the Female Titan.

Chapter 23.

Never denying a fair point, we learn that Jean truly understands honesty as valuable.

Given all of the above information, it seems to me that Jean’s honesty is a reaction to something, most likely a combination of the royal government’s dangerous rhetoric and the looming threat of the titans. Certainly, when we first meet Jean he has become cynical of the former and despondent about the latter, firmly believing that humanity is doomed and that the only thing he can do is fight for his own survival (which, if Jean were a real person, would imply to me that he felt like his survival was in some way threatened—presumably because he lives on the front-line and he witnessed the cull, but we may never know for sure).

Chapter 17.

Pre-Trost Jean is Jean at his least productive, showing a potential for critical assessment to rival Armin’s, but not using it in service of a larger goal. The events of Trost—the destruction of the city and the loss of Marco—force Jean to decide what really makes his life worth living. He decides that it is, in fact, his comrades and that the only thing he can do is join the Survey Corps to protect them from the titans.

However, his penchant for honesty does not disappear once he’s chosen a career path. Unable to let his suspicion of authority go, Jean turns his critique on Erwin Smith when he disagrees with Smith’s decision to withhold potentially life-saving information from his Scouts in hopes of catching out a spy.

“How many soldiers do you think died for nothing?”, Chapter 27.

Two things are important, here, I think. First, that Erwin Smith has not been honest: in fact, he has actively spread misinformation about Eren’s whereabouts in the scouting formation to confirm his suspicion that there are some humans within the military who are aiding the titans. Whether or not we as readers understand and agree with this tactical decision, Jean certainly objects. At this point in the narrative, Jean does not see Smith’s methods as significantly different from those of the Walled World’s government—while he sees the Survey Corps as his best chance at protecting his friends, he remains wary and questioning.

The second important piece of information we learn from these scenes is that Jean is still vocal about his concerns.

Chapter 25.

Not only does he question the Survey Corps, but he’s willing to do it publicly, at his own risk, setting up his eventual dissent during the Uprising arc.

So, to conclude this probably unnecessarily lengthy and speculative analysis, Jean retains his suspicion of authority and continues to risk being honest even after joining the Survey Corps. What is so fascinating about this development, and what I will explore further in the next installment of this meta, is that Jean’s frankness and sheer commitment to speaking his mind are touted as what actually makes him a great leader among the newest batch of Survey Corps recruits.

Thanks for reading!

[mistye-dawne]

actually you know what? 1-54 lmao. (or just whatever ones you want to answer.)

This took way too long cause my niece has been a wiggleworm all morning and I’m up and down chasing her ever 5 mins lol.

1. Favorite place to write.There is a park about an hour away from me that I go to, if able, when I’ve got writer’s block. I’ll walk about a mile into the forest and sit by a creek that runs into the river. It’s a trip but is worth the effort when I just really need an isolated place to think.

2. Favorite part of writing.Character creation. Even in fanfiction, I always change up the background/personalities a little to add my own touch and present them in a new light. I also love learning and researching so I’ll just look up random things and see if I can’t design something or someone around an idea or belief.

3. Least favorite part of writing.Editing… moving on. I guess I should say editing my own work. Sometimes because I wasn’t the happiest with how a chapter turned out and sometimes because I really don’t feel like re-reading what I just wrote 3 times over only to read it again later and still find typos and parts that just don’t flow quite right.

4. Do you have writing habits or rituals?I have to be listening to something. Music, tv, the ambiance of a coffeeshop, etc. Unless I’m at my favorite place I can’t write in silence, but even there it isn’t quiet.

5. Books or authors that influenced your style the most.Toni Morrison morrison is the first name that pops into my head just because I re-read at least one of her books each month.

6. Favorite character you ever created.Childlike Evergreen for an idea that I’ve been playing with. She’s so cute and nothing like her character as an adult lol

7. Favorite author.Kristen Cashore, author of the Graceling series.

8. Favorite trope to write.

9. Least favorite trope to write.

10. Pick a writer to co-write a book with and tell us what you’d write about. 11. Describe your writing process from scratch to finish.1. Take pen and paper. Write everything that come to mind then end up trashing more than half of it.2. Write nothing but dialogue to go with everything written in step one.3. Combine both into a word document.4. Edit and make look pretty for others to enjoy.

That’s actually how I do it. I will plot out and idea with rough imcomplete details. If something need dialogue to get it moving a have a seperate journal that I write nothing but raw dialogue in. I color code everything so that it’s easy to reference back to and see what goes with what. Then I literally just splice the two parts together including every possible word before editing and cutting most of it out.

12. How do you deal with self-doubts? I’ll go through some of my older pieces that I’ve never published/shared and compare it to my current work. Idk, seeing how far i’ve improved always give me a boost in confidence.

13. How do you deal with writers block?First, I walk away from a project because trying to force something out can ruin a piece and just spend a little time each day writing something, anything, just so that I’m always keeping up with my practice. I’ll also read a bit more and get out of the house more often cause my writer’s block stems from cabin fever most of the time.

14. What’s the most research you ever put into a book?With my current piece that I’m writing. I took the idea of herbal medicine and looked up different plants what were used as medicines/ healing aids. Example: Belladonna, deadly nightshade, tincture was used to help aleviate thing like motionsickness, nausea, and even menstrual cramps. I thought it was interesting and since I was writng about dragon slayers and their perpetual uneasiness with transportaion, added into the story. In general though I always do a fair amount of research because I’ve not experienced all there is in the world and want to be able to make a connection with readers by presenting believable and accurate ideas.

15. Where does your inspiration come from?I’ve always felt more comfortable expressing myself through the written word and grew to love books and storytelling when I was little.

16. Where do you take your motivation from?Same as question 15?

17. On avarage, how much writing do you get done in a day?If I’m doing computer work, anywhere from 1500 to 2000 words. I could easily do more if I let myself, and I sometimes do, but I always walk away from it at some point during the day so as to not overexhert my hands since they already hurt my after a while of handwriting or typing.

18. What’s your revision or rewriting process like?For revisions, I can just cut and add in the document. If i doing a rewrite I will create a new document and write it side by side. I feel like i make more changes that way which is the point of rewrites.

19. First line of a WIP you’re working on.He wiped the sweat from his brow as he came upon her silhouetted form on the forest floor.

20. Post a snippet of a WIP you’re working on.“What is you plan to accomplish with this stupid ritual?”

“Oh, I don’ even know it’ll work. I just read about it thought maybe I’d give it a go if the opportunity presented itself. Your cerlestial mage appearing was just that.”

21. Post the last sentence you wrote in one of your WIP’s.Lucy had been so caught up in herself that she failed to asking how Bickslow was holding up. 22. How many drafts do you need until you’re satisfied and a project is ultimately done for you?Nothing is ultimately ever done for me. that’s propably why I’m still sitting on a collection of shortstories that I’d like to get published but haven’t yet.

23. Single or multi POV, and why?No preference. Both come fairly easy to me but I think that if done well, single POV provides the most entertainment.

24. Poetry or prose, and why?Prose. I’ve taken poetry classes and had to read said poetry in front of 100+ people in college. I still cringe when I tell that story…

25. Linear or non-linear, and why?

26. Standalone or series, and why?Standalone. I just can’t imagine writing multiple multichapter things centered around the same idea. Idk

27. Do you share rough drafts or do you wait until it’s all polished? 28. And who do you share them with?Rough drafts are for my eyes only. Occasionally a beta when I find the need but that’s rare.

29. Who do you write for?For the sole purpose of manipulating the emotions of readers. Basically, I like to write trash that’ll make people cry when it suits me. Nah, I write because my head is full of all sorts of ideas and I just have to get them on paper so to speak. Sharing my creative writing is something new for me but so far, I’m not regretting that choice.

30. Favorite line you’ve ever written.You showed me the world, then left.

31. Hardest character to write.Gray… never was a favorite of mine so I just can’t connect with him.

32. Easiest character to write.Lucy

33. Do you listen to music when you’re writing?Most of the time.

34. Handwritten notes or typed notes?Handwritten. I waste a lot of paper and wish that I didn’t but it’s just most comfortable for me to handwrite the roughest form then expand the ideas on the computer.

35. Tell some backstory details about one of your characters in your story ________.

36. A spoiler for story _________.

37. Most inspirational quote you’ve ever read or heard that’s still important to you.You aren’t the man who will make or break me. I have learned those men do not exist… I do not need you in my life. But I really, really want you in it

38. Have you shared your outline of your story ________ with someone? If so, what did they think of it?Meh, I’ll talk to my brother about ideas sometimes. He’s not a writer but he’s a good listener and is one of the few people that actually seem to enjoy it when I talk about writing with him.

39. Do you base your characters of real people or not? If so, tell us about one.I do and my favorite one is based off of my best friend from college. This girl and I met a week before classes began and she really like how my name was spelled. We hit it off from there. I’ve actually written a story based off of that first interaction between us. She’s a family woman and has such a passion for teaching english. She’s got an attitude and does what she wants, but she was the mom friend that i needed because I usually play mom for my other friends lol

40. Original Fiction or Fanfiction, and why?Both. All of my original works are based off of real stories from real people that I know. My fanfiction is where my creativity shines though especially when working with a universe like Fairy Tail.

41. How many stories do you work on at one time?However many that suits me. My exception to this rule is only 1 multichapter fic at a time due to how much time and research I invest into the piece. I’m also far more critical about editing chapter versus oneshots.

42. How do you figure out your characters looks, personality, etc.

43. Are you an avid reader?Yes. Reading is what makes the writer.

44. Best piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten.One semester I took a research class and had to design and conduct my methods and gather data. There was one part where we had to develop how we were to gather the data we sought and my instructor told me that it was hard for him to critique my methods because I had already done so in the proposal. I figure leaving a guy who writes for a living unable to write anything is a good thing lol

45. Worst piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten.Taking a creative writng class with people who don’t love writing as much as I do. To elaborate, we would be required to write something of our own creation and you could tell who loved writing based on the feedback they gave. I can’t begin to say how many people took to giving me grammar advice because they couldn’t think of anything to say about the content…

46. What would your story _______ look like as a tv show or movie?

47. Do you start with characters or plot when working on a new story?Characters.

48. Favorite genre to write in.Adventure/drama

49. What do you find the hardest to write in a story, the beginning, the middle or the end?Always the beginning.

50. Weirdest story idea you’ve ever had.Oh god. Please no. Umm when I was like 15 I started writng this story about elemental angels and they had to save the world or something like that. Idk, when I look back on it I think that it’s weird

51. Describe the aesthetic of your story _______ in 5 sentences or words.

52. How did writing change you?Writing has helped me to become more confident in myself and also helped me to cope and move forward from the abuse I lived through when I was little.

53. What does writing mean to you?Writing is literally what saved my life so it’s everything.

54. Any writing advice you want to share?Write. If it’s something you want to do then do it. You only get better the more you pratice it. If you don’t know what to write, try a word promt challenge and write about whatever comes to mind. Just let your ideas flow.