#This is a Niner fan blog now I guess

[stuffedeggplants]

When I read Order 66, I was worried that this moment might be foreshadowing something later in the book (or in the next) where Niner trades his life for Omega’s. We meet Niner as the last one left out of his entire squad, mentally running over what he should’ve done differently so that his brothers could still be there. You could bookend the part of Niner’s story that he gets to write by having him close out his chapter so the rest of his squad can continue theirs, no doubt in his mind that he’s making the correct choice and one he’ll never have to regret this time, but I’m happy Niner’s arc went elsewhere.

I also love how Darman and Corr just straight up ignore him here, like it doesn’t even merit a response lol. It’s also nice/interesting that Atin is the one to say “we don’t do that here” considering the tension between him on one side and Fi and Niner on the other right after Darman got separated from the group back in Hard Contact. 

And Darman ignoring Niner is a whole thing that I also love. When Niner tells him to jump out of the rapidly failing ship over Qiilura, Darman just doesn’t do it and has to body slam Niner out of the aircraft because the guy won’t leave him otherwise. Later here Niner tries to pull the “leave without me I’ll hold them off for you in a last stand” card but Darman & Co. pretend they do not hear, then during Order 66 Niner's like “l e a v e  m e, you fucking idiot” and Darman just refuses to lose anybody else. Darman also (against orders) runs into a burning building to help Niner recover that computer from Camas’ hideout in ImpComm, and Niner’s just ugh you never listen but their friendship wouldn’t be the same if Darman did listen at times like this. 

[thesummerstorms]

001 | Send me a fandom and I will tell you my: For repcomm?

Favorite character:

I mean.. Etain. Obviously.

Least Favorite character:

Kal, but man does Jusik put himself in the running sometimes.

EDIT: HOW DID I FORGET JINART!

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon):

Etain/Dar, Jilka/Ruu, Maze/Zey, Atin/Laseema (altho I’m very multiship in this fandom so I like some other Atin ships too), Mereel&Etain or Mereel/Etain but only like in a poly or alt timeline au but I saw it and... it works? Even though Dar/Etain is my otp

Character I find most attractive:

I mean, they’re all book characters, so aesthetic attraction doesn’t have much chance to kick in, but Temuera Morrison is nice generally, I guess. And Gena & Izzy fancast Dichen Lachman for Besany & Dichen Lachman is STUNNING. 

Character I would marry:

hah. hah. they’d eat me alive. Well. Darman’s a sweetheart, but I could never. Etain is my heart, but I think we’d squabble.

I read Niner as demi-romantic or aro & ace, and I’m some flavor of “wtf is happening” aro & ace, so I could relate there,  and relate to the anxiety/grumpiness/feeling responsible but like, idk about long term compatibility.

OR I remember a fmk game one time where I chose “Jaing with the understanding it was some long-distance tax scheme and then we divorce amicably and go away rich/richer”. That still works.

Character I would be best friends with:

I would want to be friends with Etain or Darman or Niner (it might be a lot of fun to gossip w/ Niner, honestly) or Besany but again, my experiences/skill set/ level of interesting-ness are all kinda too far removed from theirs for them to have a reason to give me the time of day, much less bond.

a random thought:

what. the fuck. is. this timeline.

An unpopular opinion:

Unpopular in some parts of the fandom, but not in mine, but like. Kal. If you follow this blog, you know what I mean.

Jusik is three great moments and a whole bunch of annoying as shit authorial morality pronouncements in a trench coat. He had so much potential, but like Kal, lived up to less than none of it. And in his “Gotab” identity I want to throat punch him.

My Canon OTP:

Dar/Etain.

My Non-canon OTP:

Dar/Etain/Rhedian, or if not including OCs, Jilka/Ruusaan. It just has SO MUCH potential.

Most Badass Character:

I think a requirement to being on this main cast is being some flavor of bad ass. Etain the unexpectedly/deceptively tiny but fierce Jedi, Laseema who doesn’t have any military or special background but learns to defend herself and her place in the world  after a terrible past and keep up with all the people who do, Besany the treasury spy and Jilka her best friend who corners Hutts for a thrills,  any given clone who is automatically a super soldier by default... like... it’s a requirement. 

Most Epic Villain:

Uthan when allowed to be herself.

But for the record, I just had to sit and think and count “wait who’s the villain in each book” because with the exceptions of Hokan (who gets pov chapters and is shitty as hell), Uthan (who is ruthless as shit and a major player in the eventual cure), and Ko Sai (who is... Ko Sai)... most of the other folk on the other side of the battle field aren’t even villains, they’re just antagonists and they’re just... there. Which is a major departure for SW when you think about it.

So like, the choices here are only Ko Sai ( *thumbs down*), Hokan (little pretentious pos), and Uthan. Uthan a la Hard Contact wins easily.

Pairing I am not a fan of:

Fi/Parja majorly squicks me out except for when Kaz writes it. but like. Canon Fi/Parja has so many boundary issues that make me uncomfortable.

JUSIK/ARLA like WHAT THE FUCK. Biggest NOTP.

Gilamar/Uthan. A softer nope, because I’ve seen fanon versions done well, but not at all a fan of canon Gilamar/Uthan from 501st.

Ny/Kal because Ny did NOTHING to deserve that.

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another):

Hah! HAH! How much time you got?

Kal- not who KT thought she was giving us at all

Jusik a handful of great moments attached to what ultimately fails as a fleshed out, meaningful character with a lot of lost potential

Ovolot Qail ‘suddenly a middle age career woman who can be manipulated by her regret at never having ~children~ as soon as Kal looks at her’ Uthan. 

Parja, who has all this potential, but KT uses as a mouthpiece for some sexist/ablelist/uncomfortable shit.

Jilka- she can still be sharp/judgy/social/a tad vain, but just let her and Besany be friends and also avoid actively shoving her in a gold-digger sterotype in book 4 (book 3? when Ordo gives Besany the sapphire) and then a random out of the blue romance with Corr, of all people, to “soften her up” in ImpComm.

Jinart is not a character, she’s a whole bunch of mean shit the author wanted to say in black fur, and that makes it hard to feel at all sympathetic to or conflicted about the gurlanin, even when KT wants us too

Favourite Friendship:

oh god, I could NEVER choose just one. 

Niner & Dar and Dar & Fi & Atin & Etain (or what we have in those tiny implied moments) and Ordo & Mereel and Mereel & Etain and Ordo & Etain and Mereel & Besany , the hypothetical SNARK /GRUMP friendship in my head that would be Niner & Jilka, Maze & Ordo...

like... it’s all so good. they’re all so good. and there’s somebody I’m forgetting on my list here, I know it, but I just can’t think of it right now.

Character I most identify with:

I mean. *coughs* Do I.. do I really have to say this one?

Character I wish I could be:

Listen, I admire many of these character’s skills, but like HELL would I ever want to experience ANY of their backgrounds or life experiences.

[smoothandspicy]

Just wanna get this out there, for whatever reason.

Around 2012, I was listing to Pandora radio, Panic! At the Discos station I think, when Fall Away came on. I really liked it, I was definitely surprised by the rapping, and when I checked the artist, it sounded familiar. I think FBR had been sending out emails or something about them, but I’d definitely seen the name twenty one pilots before. It took a few more reminders before I made a playlist for them on Spotify, which was just self titled by that point, if I remember correctly.

Didn’t realize they were, or had, released a new album, until Fall Out Boy was back!! And touring with Panic! At The Disco!! You could not fathom how excited I was. And hey!! It’s those guys again! twenty one pilots! I added Vessel to their playlist and tried to remember to listen to it more frequently.

I was...dealing with a lot, at that point in my life. Like, a lot a lot. By the time the concert rolled around, I was still only kind of familiar with their first album, but when the show finally started, and the lights got low, and smoke clouded the stage. And that eerie song started. And then the hoodies and ski masks and the rapping and the screaming and the wonderful mess that is twenty one pilots... I was captivated. After that, I was hooked. I really listened to the songs, really properly gave them my attention. And I remember the first time I heard Truce. I will never forget that night.

And the next time I saw them live was later that year. I knew every word. I cried. It was Tyler’s birthday.

They meant so much to me, but my life started taking a turn. I lost almost all my friends, my depression was at an all time low, and my physical health started declining, too. I broke my foot around the time blurryface came out, and I had to quit my first job. Instead of finding comfort in the music, of felt distant to me. I felt distant to me. I got annoyed by all the new, less than positive fan base they were garnering. And while I didn’t hold them responsible for that, coupled with my mixed feelings about blurryface in general...I disassociated from them. It became too much to listen to any of their music. Contrary to that, it didn’t hurt any less when I couldn’t see them live thanks to my deteriorating bone health.

I went back to it every once in a while, I couldn’t listen to Goner at all. At all. That song, the first release, it always filled me with this...emptiness. And the new version was. Too much. I still bought the album, and I watched their live performances, when I could. I still cared about them. But they weren’t a part of my life like they had been.

I grew into Bleachers and Lorde and Weezer and a few others. I drifted for three years. My depression was less violent, but now I felt very empty. I had to sell tickets to see Weezer with Panic! because my legs wouldn’t heal. I cried. Half a year later, I could almost jumped at a Bleachers concert (ironically the night before a tøp show next door, then at Weezer’s, I did jump at a Foo Fighters concert. But then...

“twenty one pilots has released a new single, check it out!” Thanks to Spotify, I decided to add Nico And The Niners and Jumpsuit to my saved songs, which is pretty much all I listen to. Jumpsuit had me in a heart beat, and NATN won me over pretty quickly. And Levitate. And My Blood.

And when the album came out, it was promptly all I listened to. The first song I singled out was Chlorine. I remember listening to it five times in a row on the way to a pumpkin patch. I have an entire animated series of music videos for most of the songs, of the story that I pulled from the album. I dodged the music videos and actual material at first because I wanted to get my ideas nailed down before I saw what they actually intended. They didn’t vary too much, in the end, which was a pleasant surprise, but that lead to me humming Forrest, and playing Implicit Demand on piano again. And they were the soundtrack of my winter.

I started this blog, followed a bunch of tøp blogs. Got into the albums concept, draw stuff again, and it...feels like home.

I’m traveling to see them today, for the first time in like, 5 years, so I’m just reminiscing, I guess. I’m glad I can feel like this again. And I will always be grateful for all 7 of those difficult years. Thank you, twenty one pilots - Tyler, Josh, their families, friends, the clique

Thank you.

[topweeklyupdate]

TØP Weekly(/Monthly) Update #52: I’m Gonna Jumpsuit Out a Window (6/30/18)

When all the cryptic weirdness surrounding dmaorg.info sprung up nearly two months ago, everyone was extremely hyped. So much content! So many theories! It really felt like hiatus was over.

There was just one problem: there were no new songs licensed or registered under the band’s name, which meant nothing was coming out. Rabid music fans have known for years that there is truly no such thing as a “surprise” music release: for legal reasons, almost all song titles show up on online registries several days, if not weeks, before they are made available to the public. And, indeed, after the initial wave of teases wrapped up, the Clique returned to a quasi-hiatus state, punctuated only by the occasional addition to the Dema lore.

This Thursday, June 28, that all changed. Let’s talk about it. 

This Week’s TØPics:

Finally, Some Good F*cking Food: Two New Song Titles Registered

Dema Recap: Cheetahs and Trenches and Cryptic Nonsense, Oh My!

One Year Later: What Do We Really Know About This Hiatus?

Editorial: When the Discourse Gets Too Much (and When It’s Just What We Need)

Major News and Announcements:

In the biggest piece of real news that we’ve received since the hiatus, two new song titles have been registered on the PPL music licensing database: “Nico and the Niners” and “Jumpsuit”. This is a highly reputable source, and not even truly a “leak” as so many have called it. The pages are managed directly by labels’ legal teams to ensure that anyone who wishes to play music in their media, advertisements, or establishments knows what songs are licensed to which artists and what steps to take to legally license them. “Heathens” was first spotted here over two years ago, not to mention countless other songs from various other artists. The two songs were just removed from the day after they were found listing, but Reddit detectives have already discovered untitled tracks with the same registration codes listed under an unknown Warner artist (ya’ll ain’t slick).

The fact that this posting was accompanied by further activity from the band only confirms that there’s some real nonsense going on. Not only did we get new Dema content (which we’ll get to) but, perhaps even more wild, Tyler Robert Joseph liked something on Instagram. Dude’s alive.

In all seriousness, Tyler Joseph’s social media habits do little to help us understand just what the hell “Nico and the Niners” is. The bigger story (and the one I’ve been slacking on reporting the last two months, my bad) is the sporadic updates to dmaorg.info. Back in early May, we got our first bit of content after the initial reveal in the form of a new letter from Clancy. The letter itself is a pretty well-written YA protagonist internal monologue, with Clancy yearning to find a place that truly feels like home outside the walls of Dema. But, Tyler being Tyler, there’s more to it than that: the date attached to the paragraph matches that of the band’s last social media post, and missing letters from throughout the note together spell out the coded message “You are still sleeping.”

The second update, posted in late May, is this lovely gif of a cheetah running under letters moving in a quick sequence. After slowing it down, the letters spell out the message “U still don’t know his real name do u?” Again, there’s much more to the post when you take the time to dig in. The listed date matches Josh’s appearance at the APMAs, the first mention of Dema. The file name for the gif is “3lurr” meaning the “he” in the question may in fact be Blurryface. Most significantly, the spaces between this message’s words were filled with letters that, when taken out separately and placed in sequence, repeatedly spell out “Nico,” perhaps answering the gif’s own rhetorical question.

So who is Nico? Well, it matches the names of one of the nine bishops in the “Compass” picture from April, which would seem to make him one of the ‘niners” who rule Dema. It’s increasingly looking like this album is really going to double down on covering a weird and fleshed out concept rife with metaphors, and I. Am. Here for it (as long as the music’s, ya know, good).

The final (for now) Dema post was released just yesterday in the wake of all of the sudden new activity. It is the first photo that seems to be wholly original, with no one as yet having tracked down where it’s from. It’s a pretty badass image, with twenty-one (goddammit) figures standing at the edge of some cliff or pit. Some have speculated that this could be album artwork, and it would certainly make for a very good cover. But that’s just the surface.

The image’s jpg name is an assortment of letters that, when deciphered using a basic alphabet sequence code, translates into “Trench”- possibly another new song? BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! Typing that jpg number sequence or “trench” into the “violation code” section of the dmaorg.info url reveals a heavily-distorted audio clip. Sound engineers on Twitter and Reddit have tried reversing and pitch correcting the snippet, but have not truly succeeded in deriving anything from it beyond that it seems to be Tyler singing “So did they obey/bury you?” But what he’s saying honestly doesn’t matter to me half as much as this fact: after over a year, we finally got to hear Tyler Joseph’s voice. That’s got me on Cloud Nine, baby. 

Pictured: The Clique (I know I used this joke last time, sue me)

So what does all of this cryptic nonsense and Reddit deciphering ultimately tell us? Frankly, it’ll be hard to say until we actually have our hands and ears on new music. The Clique has compiled so many different theories about what these little snippets of photos and garbled words mean that there’s no way they can all be true. But it’s becoming increasingly clear that there was an actual plan for this roll-out stretching back at least a year and that Tyler is not (as some salty fans have suggested) just throwing out a bunch of “fake deep trash.” Each piece of the Dema content has matched up in some way with the lyrics from the shutting eyes last year:

“You’ll have to come and find me.” -> The original discovery of the website.

“My pretty sleeper.” -> The “You are still sleeping” hidden message.

“Wouldn’t it be great if we could just lay down...” -> “...and wake up in Slowtown” (and slow down the cheetah gif).

“I will fear the night again...” -> “[I hope I’m] not my only friend.” (the caption for the cliff picture)

Beyond all of that, the revelation of “Nico and the Niners” being part of the actual album should be taken as a real source of validation for all of those Reddit warriors out there: At least some of this stuff means something. (Now wtf is “Jumpsuit” about...)

Other Shenanigans:

Potential leaks from radio stations and some common sense theories have pegged a single release for the band as coming in the next two weeks, either July 6th or 13th. With all that in mind, I thought we’d look back on the weird conspiracy chart I’ve been keeping in my closet and recap what exactly we know about the band’s activities over the last year. 

The short answer is: not much. After Josh’s performance at the APMAs, there have been no interviews, no public appearances, no social media posts. Josh has certainly been much more active than Tyler, which just makes sense for his much-less introverted personality. He contributed drums to Lights’ last album (though those recordings were done well before the hiatus). He apparently hopped into the studio with Drake Bell, (though I have no idea if any of that music has seen the light of day). He’s been fine taking group photos with Fueled by Ramen colleagues, other friends from the music industry, and, of course, Debby, who he almost definitely is back with. As for Tyler... well, beyond a few Jenna photos from a few months back and the odd fan encounter, there’s been nothing, which is why that eight second audio clip hit me like a Mack truck. 

There are a few other things the truly obsessed have been able to find that I don’t necessarily want to reward by reposting here- I really want to try to keep it about the art. But we can pretty safely guess from Jenna and Jordan’s social media that the duo have been in Columbus, LA, and New York together a few times the last few months, likely for studio sessions and label meetings. Perhaps we’ll find out more about what transpired during the “hiatus” in the weeks and months to come, perhaps not. One thing’s for sure: it’s finally, finally (almost) over. 

Editorial:

The last note I wanted to leave everyone on is something a little different for this blog, but still something I still think is worth talking about. Anyone who has been visiting the Twenty One Pilots tags on any site over the last several months can tell that the fanbase has not been taking the band’s absence well. And I’m not just talking the usual overblown crying for new music or young kids worshiping their idols a little too much. That’s always been there. This is different.

A whole host of the old crowd- the update accounts, the podcast hosts, the quasi-groupies who got barricade every night- have turned pretty hard from the band, particularly from Tyler. Some just have no interest in the music of Twenty One Pilots in the year 2018 AD; they’ve discovered other topics, other genres, other artists that speak more personally to where they are in life, and have just moved on. Others have expressed deeply personal distaste for the band itself for a whole host of political and social reasons that I’m not going to get into here- that’s a debate for another time, and probably for another account.

The point is, digging through social media to try to find updates and memes has been difficult when the most dependable sources also pepper in jab at whether Tyler’s learned to carry burdens yet every few posts. And while those folks are certainly more than entitled to their opinions and feelings (I even agree with many of them), it’s hard to deny that there are large swathes of the Twenty One Pilots’ fandom that just aren’t much fun to be in right now, just like there’s large swathes of the world in general where it feels like we’re not permitted to assume the best in people and just be happy with the things that used to make us happy. For a few weeks, I’ve honestly been wondering if I wanted to keep running this account in the next era. I just wanted to go back to the time before I had to share Twenty One Pilots with the world, when this was just my band, the one that made me feel understood and valid and worthy at a time where nothing else really did

Sasha Geffen’s insightful and deeply personal piece on the band’s music for AV Club, which focuses on how Tyler Joseph depicts and discusses suicidal depression, helped bring me back to that time. Music journalists have frequently gotten everything wrong about Tyler Joseph’s songwriting, to the point where I have often felt like they were listening to different music than me. But Geffen gets it. She sees that Tyler does not talk down to his audience about the problems they’re dealing with; he’s always been right there with us, and always offering concrete and practical ways of getting through depression one day at a time. He’s an insightful and compassionate dude, way more than people give him credit for, and it shows in his art. I had almost forgotten that. I needed that reminder right now, before everything ramps up again. I hope that article offers some comfort for any of you who also want to remember why this band is still so special, all these years later.

See you all (hopefully) next week. Power to the local dreamer.

|-/

[racingtoaredlight]

RTARL’s 2020 NFL Season Week 17 Extravapalooza

Well, here we are at the end of the most unique NFL season in memory. Was it the smartest idea in the world to stage an entire professional football season in the midst of a rampaging viral pandemic? No, it really wasn’t. But, somehow, the NFL managed to make it through the year without any outright disasters (sorry Broncos, having to start a practice squad WR at QB doesn’t really count), and they did it through the tried and true combination of blind luck and pure willful ignorance. Yay, I guess? I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t appreciate having games to watch, but the whole enterprise was downright impressive in its blatant disregard for common sense and social responsibility. That’s why it’s America’s game!

There’s still a fair amount of playoff-positioning to hash out this week, which always lends a nice bit of urgency to some of the proceedings. I’m far too lazy to go into those particular weeds myself, so I’ll just link you to someone else’s work if you want to study up on the various scenarios in play.

My picks are in BOLD, and the lines come to us courtesy of our friends at Vegas Insider. I use the “VI Consensus” line, which is the line that occurs most frequently across Vegas Insider’s list of sportsbooks. Your sportsbook of choice may offer a different number, and if you’d like my opinion on said number A) you are insane, and B) leave a comment below and I’ll try to answer at some point before things kickoff today.

EARLY GAMES

Baltimore Ravens (-14) at Cincinnati Bengals

If the Ravens win, they’re in the playoffs. The Bengals don’t have the horses to offer much resistance against a supremely motivated Ravens team. I will say that the most entertaining turn of events for someone with no dog in the fight would be for Baltimore to somehow lose this game, for the Browns to win, and for Ravens fans to have to sweat the result of the Colts/Jags game to see if they make the playoffs. Friend of the blog Fryan Turd would likely suffer a half-dozen heart attacks in this scenario.

Miami Dolphins at Buffalo Bills (-2)

I have no idea how important clinching the #2 seed in the AFC is to Buffalo, and if it’s not a big deal to them they may rest some guys for all or some of this game. The Dolphins will remain feisty to the very end, of that I’m certain.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Cleveland Browns (-9)

The Steelers are sitting a whole bunch of guys and the Browns are in the playoffs with a win. I will say that losing this game to Mason Rudolph and subsequently missing the postseason would be an incredibly Brownsy thing to do. 

Minnesota Vikings (-4) at Detroit Lions

Despite having nothing to play for and no reason to risk further punishment, Matthew Stafford is suiting up for this one. Dare I say that Stafford is...A GAMER? I do dare say it. I hope he whips ass and the Lions win in what could be his last home game in Detroit. I would sacrifice one of my siblings to get Stafford onto the Patriots this offseason, and also to get a larger share of my family estate.

New York Jets at New England Patriots (-3)

Oh man, this is not going to be a fun game to watch AT ALL. Sullen Bill Belichick, Broken Down Cam Newton, Traumatized Sam Darnold, Dead Man Walking Adam Gase--this game has way too many depressing ingredients, to say nothing of the very-likely-to-be atrocious quality of play. Let’s just move on.

Dallas Cowboys (-1.5) at New York Giants

This is essentially a playoff game, as each of these teams needs to win (and for Washington to lose) in order to clinch the shittiest division of all time. I’m taking Dallas here because they’ve been rolling in recent weeks and Daniel Jones isn’t close to 100% healthy, but what I want most is for the Giants to win, the Football Team to lose, and for us to get the hilarious spectacle of a 6-10 playoff team.

Atlanta Falcons at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-7)

I’ve ridden with the Falcons all season, why stop now? 

[looks at season record] 

Okay, that might be a good reason to stop. BUT I AIN’T GONNA!

Hey, do you think Matt Ryan could end up on New England? He went to Boston College, right? What have I become, coveting other teams’ used goods? This is no way to live.

LATE GAMES

Green Bay Packers (-4) at Chicago Bears

I’m greatly enjoying the Trubiskaissance. The Bears making the playoffs would make for some tremendous restlessness and conflicting emotions among Bears fans, as a strong showing would likely mean that Mitchell and Matt Nagy will run it back next season. This would entertain me as a man who isn’t a Bears fan. 

Las Vegas Raiders (-2.5) at Denver Broncos

I truly have no opinions or thoughts on this particular contest. Oh wait, here’s one: fuck the Raiders for ruining so many of my picks. Here’s another: Do you think New England could trade for Derek Carr? HELP.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianapolis Colts (-14)

The Jags are quite possibly the most ready-to-start-their-vacation team in the league, and the Colts need to win this game to make the postseason. I’m bummed about how things turned out for my man Gardner Minshew this season in Jacksonville. I hope he’s able to continue his career with a franchise who appreciates his comedic potential more fully. You know who would love him? Famous mirth-merchant William Belichick.

Los Angeles Chargers (-4.5) at Kansas City Chiefs

Tremendous opportunity for Justin Herbert to pad his already fantastic rookie-year numbers against the K.C. JV team. The thing that makes me the most nervous about this pick is the possibility that Chargers Head Coach Anthony Lynn knows that this is his last game, and as a result will make sure to unveil his most breathtaking piece of clock-mismanagement performance art yet.

Arizona Cardinals (-3) at Los Angeles Rams

I can’t in good conscience get behind a team that intends to start John Wolford at QB, no matter how awesome their defense is. Then again, maybe if Sean McVay basically controls his movements Ratatouille-style the way he does with Jared Goff, he’ll be okay. If Arizona loses and misses the playoffs, Coach Handsome might experience the quickest progression of “This Guy Has No Idea What He’s Doing” to “This Guy Is A Genius Who Is Changing the Way Football Is Played” and back to “This Guy Is a Dipshit” of any coach I can remember.

Seattle Seahawks (-6.5) at San Francisco 49ers

The Seahawks continued there whole “now the defense is good, but the offense is kind of blah” thing last week in a 20-9 win over the Rams, and I see no reason to think things will change. The Niners finally got All-Pro TE George Kittle back from injury, but then immediately lost studly rookie WR Brandon Aiyuk. The injury gods have really had it in for them this season. Despite the brutal injury luck, San Fran has remained competitive all season, and I say they keep this one within a TD.

New Orleans Saints (-6) at Carolina Panthers

The Saints won’t have RBs Alvin Kamara, Latavius Murray, Dwayne Washington, or their fullback Michael Burton. They’ll also be without WR Michael Thomas once again. If I were Saints Head Coach Sean Payton, I’d start Taysom Hill at QB for this game so that he can use his legs to augment the severely diminished run-game, and also to give Drew Brees’ ribs more time to heal. I’d also be an insufferable dickhead. Well, more of one. Okay, I’d be the same, I’d just be addicted to pain pills. More addicted, I mean. I’m Sean Payton.

Tennessee Titans (-7) at Houston Texans

DeShaun Watson has been absurdly good this season, despite the total shitshow around him. He leads the league in Yards Per Attempt while also being third in the league in Completion Percentage at 70.1%. He’s not dinking and dunking his way to his eye-popping numbers. You’d think having a franchise QB in place would make this a primo job opening for potential head coaching candidates, but between the lack of high-end future draft picks and general ownership/executive ineptitude, it’s gotta give a desirable candidate pause. Yikes. Clearly, Houston should trade DeShaun Watson to New England. 

SNF: Washington Football Team (-3.5) at Philadelphia Eagles

The Eagles have nothing to play for and a bunch of key players are skipping tonight’s game. Among them are TE Dallas Goedert and RB Miles Sanders, which is going to make things extra tough for QB Jalen Hurts against Washington’s exceptionally nasty defense. The Football Team also has major injury questions, as QB Alex Smith, RB Antonio Gibson, and WR Terry McLaurin are all listed as Questionable. As of this writing, it looks like all three of them are going to play, but I have no clue how effective they’ll be. All of this uncertainty does not make for confident betting, imo.

Last Week’s Record: 4-7-1

Season Record: 99-112-8

[ravensale46-blog]

Bears’ fans are the second most confident in the NFL

Welcome to SB Nation FanPulse — a survey of fans across the NFL, powered by SurveyMonkey. Each week, we send 32 polls to 100+ plugged in fans from each team. Bears fans, sign up HERE to join FanPulse.

Another week in the NFL and another win by our beloved 10-4 Chicago Bears. Our fans have been riding high all season long too with our confidence results, currently at 97%. Sure we saw a little dip after the Bears lost each of their four games this year, but overall we’ve stayed confident in the direction of our Bears.

This week, the only fanbase that is trending higher than ours are fans of the 12-2 New Orleans Saints,and they are at an understandable 100%. Cleveland Browns’ fans are also at a 97% confidence level, but who can blame them. They have an exciting young team to root for as well.

When looking over the confidence level of our NFC North rivals, I can definitely see why Packers’ fans are down in the dumps. Losing to the Bears dropped their percentage 18 points, down to 27%.

And I can also understand why the confidence levels from Lions’ fans have been dipping too. Their latest loss, a 14-13 squeeker to the Buffalo Bills, has them at 23%.

But Vikings’ fans are happy that their team is still alive for a playoff spot, and with as much talent that they have, I can understand them being hopeful. Their fans are up to 54% this week and they travel to Detroit for their next game before hosting the Bears in what could be a win-and-they-get-in the playoffs game.

Here’s the full FanPulse list this week.

Canal Street Chronicles (Saints): 100%

Dawgs By Nature (Browns): 97%

Windy City Gridiron (Bears): 97%

Stampede Blue (Colts): 94%

Bolts From The Blue (Chargers): 88%

Arrowhead Pride (Chiefs): 85%

Niners Nation (49ers): 76%

Field Gulls (Seahawks): 72%

Music City Miracles (Titans): 69%

Bleeding Green Nation (Eagles): 67%

Battle Red Blog (Texans): 65%

Buffalo Rumblings (Bills): 64%

Baltimore Beatdown (Ravens): 58%

Daily Norseman (Vikings): 54%

Turf Show Times (Rams): 49%

Big Blue View (Giants): 40%

The Phinsider (Dolphins): 39%

Blogging The Boys (Cowboys): 38%

Silver And Black Pride (Raiders): 37%

Behind the Steel Curtain (Steelers): 33%

Gang Green Nation (Jets): 32%

Pats Pulpit (Patriots): 28%

Acme Packing Company (Packers): 27%

Pride Of Detroit (Lions): 23%

Hogs Haven (Washington): 20%

Bucs Nation (Buccaneers): 14%

Mile High Report (Broncos): 9%

The Falcoholic (Falcons): 9%

Cincy Jungle (Bengals): 8%

Cat Scratch Reader (Panthers): 8%

Revenge of the Birds (Cardinals): 3%

Big Cat Country (Jaguars): 2%

With the Bears heading out to California to take on the 49ers, both our fanbases were asked to predict the point spread in that game. Bears’ fans went big and are guessing it’ll be a 10 point win by the NFC North Champs, while ‘Niner fans saw their results glitch out leaving us to wonder how they view Sunday’s contest.

We had one more Fan Pulse result this week to share. We were asked about the most surprising storyline in the NFL this season and here’s how all 32 fanbases voted.

Anything stand out to you about these results this week?

Bears’ fans, if you aren’t a part of WCG’s FanPulse, join now!

Get the shirt or hoodie right now!

Source: https://www.windycitygridiron.com/2018/12/20/18149161/chicago-bears-fans-are-the-second-most-confident-in-the-nfl-cleveland-browns-saints-49ers-spread

[dropbee7-blog]

Bears’ fans are the second most confident in the NFL

Welcome to SB Nation FanPulse — a survey of fans across the NFL, powered by SurveyMonkey. Each week, we send 32 polls to 100+ plugged in fans from each team. Bears fans, sign up HERE to join FanPulse.

Another week in the NFL and another win by our beloved 10-4 Chicago Bears. Our fans have been riding high all season long too with our confidence results, currently at 97%. Sure we saw a little dip after the Bears lost each of their four games this year, but overall we’ve stayed confident in the direction of our Bears.

This week, the only fanbase that is trending higher than ours are fans of the 12-2 New Orleans Saints,and they are at an understandable 100%. Cleveland Browns’ fans are also at a 97% confidence level, but who can blame them. They have an exciting young team to root for as well.

When looking over the confidence level of our NFC North rivals, I can definitely see why Packers’ fans are down in the dumps. Losing to the Bears dropped their percentage 18 points, down to 27%.

And I can also understand why the confidence levels from Lions’ fans have been dipping too. Their latest loss, a 14-13 squeeker to the Buffalo Bills, has them at 23%.

But Vikings’ fans are happy that their team is still alive for a playoff spot, and with as much talent that they have, I can understand them being hopeful. Their fans are up to 54% this week and they travel to Detroit for their next game before hosting the Bears in what could be a win-and-they-get-in the playoffs game.

Here’s the full FanPulse list this week.

Canal Street Chronicles (Saints): 100%

Dawgs By Nature (Browns): 97%

Windy City Gridiron (Bears): 97%

Stampede Blue (Colts): 94%

Bolts From The Blue (Chargers): 88%

Arrowhead Pride (Chiefs): 85%

Niners Nation (49ers): 76%

Field Gulls (Seahawks): 72%

Music City Miracles (Titans): 69%

Bleeding Green Nation (Eagles): 67%

Battle Red Blog (Texans): 65%

Buffalo Rumblings (Bills): 64%

Baltimore Beatdown (Ravens): 58%

Daily Norseman (Vikings): 54%

Turf Show Times (Rams): 49%

Big Blue View (Giants): 40%

The Phinsider (Dolphins): 39%

Blogging The Boys (Cowboys): 38%

Silver And Black Pride (Raiders): 37%

Behind the Steel Curtain (Steelers): 33%

Gang Green Nation (Jets): 32%

Pats Pulpit (Patriots): 28%

Acme Packing Company (Packers): 27%

Pride Of Detroit (Lions): 23%

Hogs Haven (Washington): 20%

Bucs Nation (Buccaneers): 14%

Mile High Report (Broncos): 9%

The Falcoholic (Falcons): 9%

Cincy Jungle (Bengals): 8%

Cat Scratch Reader (Panthers): 8%

Revenge of the Birds (Cardinals): 3%

Big Cat Country (Jaguars): 2%

With the Bears heading out to California to take on the 49ers, both our fanbases were asked to predict the point spread in that game. Bears’ fans went big and are guessing it’ll be a 10 point win by the NFC North Champs, while ‘Niner fans saw their results glitch out leaving us to wonder how they view Sunday’s contest.

We had one more Fan Pulse result this week to share. We were asked about the most surprising storyline in the NFL this season and here’s how all 32 fanbases voted.

Anything stand out to you about these results this week?

Bears’ fans, if you aren’t a part of WCG’s FanPulse, join now!

Get the shirt or hoodie right now!

Source: https://www.windycitygridiron.com/2018/12/20/18149161/chicago-bears-fans-are-the-second-most-confident-in-the-nfl-cleveland-browns-saints-49ers-spread

[sadheartsongs]

twenty one pilots • trench

hello and welcome to this blog. this is supposed to tell you about beautiful new and probably older records, depends on when i’m going to listen. haha. for now, i thought the perfect record to start this thing is the new twenty one pilots album. whoop whoop.

twenty one pilots • trench

i’m pretty sure that i wasn’t the only one who wasn’t on twitter, instagram and all that stuff like everyday in the past year, following theories, listening to their old stuff and impatiently waiting for the hiatus being finally over, one day after it started. i understand all of you, seriously. this band saved so many of us and made our lifes so much better, disappearing this way hurted a lot of us. anyway. it came to an end and this record came out, along with a lot of tourdates - if they’re playing near you, GO. it’s expensive but worth every penny. i can’t wait for my date(s). <3

• jumpsuit: i can’t believe how much i hate pressures of a new place roll my way. jumpsuit jumpsuit, cover me. // i remember listen to this song for the first time so well, this feeling was like the end of a very confusing time, the start of something new, like a new sunrise when you look up to the sky and feel relief and everything is finally going to be alright again. well, i think this was the perfect choice for the first single because this sums up the whole record pretty much? and it basically makes the perfect transition from blurryface to the new era like - spirits in the room, friends or foe? felt it when i’m young, feel it when i’ old. i’ll be right there but you have to grab my throat and lift me in the air. (well, i seriously so can’t wait to hear this part live) this are exactly the parts tyler has  always painted black on his body while being on stage. well.

• levitate: don’t feed me to the vultures ‘cause i’m a vulture who feeds on pain // i admit i’m probably going to jail because i listened to the leaked version. oops. but u feel me when you’re listening to this right? i’m always in awe when tyler starts rapping like this, i don’t understand how the twitter people always have this one on the last places on their trench ranking? have u ever listened to this song? and please think about the fact that josh also wrote lyrics for this, APPRECIATE IT; DAMNIT! and the ‘welcome to trench’ part at the end, how can you not love that. this song represents the beginning of the new era, the start of something wonderful. show it more love.

• morph: for if and when we go ‘above’, the question still remains, are we still in love and is it possible that we feel the same? // a lot of people say that morph is their favorite and i can totally understand. the shoutout to blurryface, named nicolas bourbaki (i really like that name), the ‘not done... josh dun’ part, you won’t ever get rid of that earworm again and catch yourself singing the lyrics in every situation ... and i love it when tyler hits the high notes. i like the alternative vibe of this. this is probably the song of trench. i guess that could be a single one day, remember my words. 

• my blood: when everyone you thought you knew deserts your fight, i’ll go with you. // the fourth song we got to hear - i already fell in love with the few secods we got to hear in that spot haha - the fact that tyler most probably wrote this for the clique makes my heart melt so much. the fact that he loves and needs us as much as we need him. and they were so afraid that we all cold be gone while the hiatus. fuck, we’ll never leave. do they know that i was grown with you? we’ll go with you, wherever this may be. we’ll hold your light, we grab our bags and go with you. and we’ll stay, you don’t need to run. stay with me, my blood. and again, i love those high notes, damn. 

• chlorine: sipping on straight chlorine, let the vibe slide over me. this beat is a chemical. // ahhhhh. here we are, my favorite song on this record. i knew it the second the song started and it hasn’t changed since then. i seriously just love everything about it. the beginning ‘so where are you? it’s been a little while....’ well i think that would’ve been the perfect first song for the shows but who asks me, haha. the beat, the lyrics, tylers voice, the fact that the whole song is about his time staying in dema (at least i guess so) - i’m running for my life. that he compares living with blurry / nico to sipping on straight chlorine. i love the slow part at the end. i’m sorry i forgot you. favorite song. i hate it that it’s not on the setlist. give this gem more attention. give it all the love you have. love love loveeee.

• smithereens: but if i’m feeling someone stepping towards you  can’t describe just what i’m feeling // how beautiful is the fact that tyler wrote this beautiful song about the love iof his life, jenna? you know i had to do one on the record for her like this. this is seriously the cutest thing ever, they have such a luck. i hope that this is forever. i followed jennas midnight cooking the past year on instagram, now we know that she did this to support tyler on writing and recording and this is so fucking heartwarming. if there’s one otp in this world, it’s definitely tyler and jenna. all the love for them, all the love for this song.

• neon gravestones: i could give up and boost my reputation, i could go out with a bang, they would know my name // fuck. fuuuck. this song hits me everytime i listen to it, real deep. the warm fuzzy feeling you got while listening to smithereens goes into a cold, freezing wind. a lot of the twenty one pilots songs are about (the thoughts of) suicide but i think this one is the one who hits hard the most, which gets you thinking about everything and everyone. i can’t find words for how this song makes me feel. but he’s so right with his words.’you mourn for a kid but won’t cry for a king - if i lose to myself, you won’t mourn a day and you’ll move on to someone else’ it’s actually like this, if someone ‘famous’ dies everyone is like oh my god i’m so sorry i was always such a big fan and stuff and the next day everyone has already forgotten about them. the world is so false and fake those days and that’s a pretty sad fact. and i hope, i pray (and i never pray usually) that we really never, never, never have to read or write such stuff about them. this is the kind of song you can’t listen to while doing something and just sing along. you have to get in and get in deep. and think about it.

• the hype: nice to know my kind will be on my side. i don’t believe the hype // am i the only one who thought of ‘wonderwall’ instantly? damn i love indie-influenced songs so much and that’s one of the reasons why i like this one so much. don’t believe the hype, it can be over anytime soon. or go on for months, years, forever? we also don’t believe the hype. but i’m happy that the hype exists so i got into them and this is one of the best things that happened to me the past years.

•  nico and the niners: east is up, i’m fearless when i hear this on the low. i’m careless when i wear my rebel clothes // the second song after the hiatus. i’ll never forget listening to this for the first time. i’ll never forget walking through london a few days later, singing this song the whole time. if you haven’t followed the dema thing during the hiatus this whole song might won’t make much sense to you. (but the video, maybe!) the whole thing about nico (bourbaki) and the niners (bishops) is pretty confusing but that’s the thing about this band, nothing is ever easy or instantly understandable. there’s much cryptic stuff and theories and you’ll be in conpletely or not at all. and its worth it being in at all. and you’ll have a earworm of this song forever, isn’t that amazing?

• cut my lip: though i am bruised faces of contusions know i’ll keep moving // i read another review of trench lately and they said that this one is a rather ‘boring’ song. well, i don’t think so. i like the kinda rebel attituide tyler has there. and another kinda indie-influenced vibe. and high notes! and the ‘i’m a lion’-part... they said it before. i like lions.

• bandito: i could take the high road but i know that i’ll be going low // bandito is the motto of the tour. the bandito tour. i love this. and this song is my secret favorite on this record. it has to grow on you, at least it had to grow on me but once it got you, you won’t get it off. ever. i love the slow beginning of the song and how it gets faster at the end and this is like the feeling you have shortly before your favorite band coes on stage and you get ore and more excited with every second. ‘i created this world to feel some control’  this world - trench. trench is the place where we can go. some kind of sanctuary. we all need a trench for our own.

• pet cheetah: my houses the one where the vultures are perched on the roof // oh dear. seriously, i don’t know what to say about this one haha. i like the beginning of the song, most of it but the ‘i got a pet cheetah down in my basement...’ part? the hell? haha. what the fuck? this song is like to personalities talking to each other in one head, maybe fighting or making up or whatever... i’d love to have this kind of drugs yo need to write this stuff and end up putting it on a record. but, i like it, it’s something you wouldn’t expect and that makes it special and kinda loveable. but i need to know why he called the cheetah jason statham.

•  legend: you’re a legend in my own mind. my middle name, my goodbye // tyler wrote this song for is grandpa who passed away lately. this ís one of the worst things that can happen to you if you’re a lucky one and be good with your grandparents (or family at all.) i love the ‘you were one of those classic ones’ part, this sounds like a own classic. like something you’ve already heard before, something you know and makes you feel warm and fuzzy. but the lyrics makes you sad again, it’s a bad feeling when someone you love suddenly don’t kow you anymore. but you have the memories, nothig can ever take this away. and there will be a day when you’re having lunch together again.

• leave the city: they know that it’s almost over // the last song on this album.in time i will leave the city but for now i will stay alive. this is like a metaphor i guess, there will be a time where we can leave the ‘city’, the prisons in our head, dema, whatever got caught us up. and until then we have to stay alive, better times will come. or at least better feelings. and if you’re lucky, you’ll end up far from home. in trench. in trench you’re not alone.

• • •

i guess the long wait and even the hiatus was worth it - for me, this is the album of the year. or more. i know i can’t write a objective review about this - i’m way too much up their asses for this haha - but if you need an album, which makes you cry and smile, dance and think, make you feel alone and not alone at all at the same time, listen to this. just close your eyes and listen to tyler singing and josh drummig. it will take you to a better place, you can forget about shit for a while. everything will be alright in the end.

[zeroviraluniverse-blog]

Five most memorable moments from the Richard Sherman-49ers rivalry - San Francisco 49ers Blog

Visit Now - http://zeroviral.com/five-most-memorable-moments-from-the-richard-sherman-49ers-rivalry-san-francisco-49ers-blog/

Five most memorable moments from the Richard Sherman-49ers rivalry - San Francisco 49ers Blog

SANTA CLARA, Calif. — From 2011 to 2013, there was no more heated NFL rivalry than the one between the San Francisco 49ers and Seattle Seahawks. The NFC West division rivals were not only two of the best teams in the league, but played a physical, punishing style of football that left opponents eagerly awaiting game’s end.

While there were many superstar players dotting both rosters, none better defined that rivalry than then-Seattle cornerback Richard Sherman. Which is why it’s almost hard to believe that just five years later, Sherman, who once openly acknowledged that he simply blocks all 49ers fans on Twitter, is set to be a Niner.

One of the league’s most feared cornerbacks will suit up for a new team in 2018:

• Niners offer 3-year, incentive-laden deal • In signing Sherman, 49ers aim to win now • Lynch, Niners welcome their new CB • Sherman-49ers rivalry memorable plays

The Niners and Sherman came to terms on a three-year deal Saturday night, offering Sherman a chance to stay in the NFC West and to play his former team twice per season.

Before we fast-forward to what comes next, let’s take a little stroll down memory lane. Here’s a look at the five most memorable moments from Sherman versus the 49ers:

1. Let’s begin at the end. Nobody knew it at the time, but the NFC championship game that followed the 2013 season would be the unofficial finale of the 49ers’ three-year run of greatness and thus the end of the most intense meetings the rivalry had ever known. It ended with perhaps the biggest play of Sherman’s career. With 22 seconds left and the Seahawks clinging to a six-point lead, Sherman leaped and tipped a pass from Colin Kaepernick intended for Michael Crabtree in the corner of the end zone. Seattle linebacker Malcolm Smith caught the deflected pass for an interception to ice the victory and send the Seahawks to the Super Bowl, where they would win their first championship. Smith and Sherman are now reunited in San Francisco.

2. Of course, what happened after Sherman made his acrobatic tip might be the moment that drew the most ire from 49ers fans. Moment after making that game-saving play, Sherman stopped for an interview with Fox’s Erin Andrews. When Andrews asked Sherman to take her through the play, he went on a rambunctious rant in response to comments he said Crabtree made about him the previous offseason. “Well, I’m the best corner in the game,” Sherman yelled. “When you try me with a sorry receiver like Crabtree, that’s the result you’re going to get. Don’t you ever talk about me.” He would go on to apologize the following day. Worth noting: Crabtree plays for the nearby Oakland Raiders, who are scheduled to play the 49ers at Levi’s Stadium this coming season.

3. Sherman played for former Niners coach Jim Harbaugh at Stanford, but in the years after they both arrived in the NFL in 2012, Sherman made it clear he didn’t have much of a relationship with his former coach. In Week 2 of the 2013 season, the Seahawks hosted the Niners in Seattle and drubbed them 29-3 on Sunday Night Football. Sherman had two tackles, an interception and shut down Niners receiver Anquan Boldin. After the game, Sherman gave Harbaugh a tap on the back as he ran off the field. Asked about it after the game, Sherman threw a little verbal jab at Harbaugh. “I told him good job, good game, but he didn’t give me nothing back,” Sherman said. “I guess sportsmanship doesn’t go both ways.”

Kirk Cousins. Jimmy Graham. Andrew Norwell. This class could get wild. Here’s everything to know heading into free agency, which begins Wednesday.

• Mega-guide to 2018 free agency » • Latest news, players to watch » • Barnwell’s free agency & trade grades » •Ranking top 100 NFL free agents » •Predicting contracts for top 25 » • Intel on more than 175 free agents » • Best, worst case for every team » • 2018 QB carousel: Test for yourself »

4. Back in 2012, just as things were heating up between the teams, the Niners knocked off the Seahawks 13-6 at Candlestick Park. After that game, multiple Seahawks claimed Harbaugh honked his horn and waved at Seattle’s team bus, according to what Sherman told Yahoo! Sports. In the December rematch, the Seahawks throttled the Niners 42-13 as Sherman came up with an interception and three pass breakups. After that game, Sherman said he tried to convince Seattle coach Pete Carroll to run up the score against Harbaugh as Harbaugh once had when the coaches were rivals at the college level. “I’m not gonna lie to you,” Sherman said. “I told Pete, ‘Let’s score and go for two.’ He said, ‘We have more class than that.'”

5. It happened after the 49ers had faded from contention, in 2014, but we’d be remiss if we didn’t acknowledge one of the stranger Sherman-Niners moments. After Sherman posted a pair of interceptions as Seattle beat the Niners 19-3 on Thanksgiving night at Levi’s Stadium, NBC had set up a Thanksgiving dinner at midfield for reporter Michele Tafoya to give to the players of the game while she conducted a postgame interview. Soon, it would become the site of one of Niners fans’ most haunting memories in their new stadium: Sherman and quarterback Russell Wilson chowed down on turkey legs while sitting directly on the 49ers’ logo.

Despite all that, it’s safe to say many 49ers fans are already embracing Sherman now that he plays for their favorite team. If Sherman can return to full strength from an Achilles injury, all of his previous antics will undoubtedly become water under the bridge. For now, simply unblocking the many members of the 49ers faithful on Twitter would be an ideal olive branch for Sherman to extend.

[racingtoaredlight]

RTARL’s 2020 NFL Season Week 3 Extravapalooza

Immediately coming out of Week 2 the national conversation was focused mainly on the fact that my picks went a very respectable 10-5. But, after running out of superlatives to describe my handicapping skills, the discourse shifted in the direction of the absolutely brutal spate of injuries that took place. Saquon Barkley, Nick Bosa, and Courtland Sutton were all lost for the season with torn ACLs, and Christian McCaffery, Brandon Scherff, Jimmy Garoppolo, Drew Lock and a whole bunch of others went down with various tweaks and tears that will keep them out of game action for multiple weeks. That’s a lot of really good players! And Jimmy Garoppolo! 

There seemed to be a desire to chalk up a lot of the injuries to a lack of preseason game action, but I’m not smart enough to know if that theory has any merit. Hopefully, it was just a freak occurrence and we won’t see another week like that any time soon. If I can make a bold statement that I’m sure nobody has ever mentioned before: the NFL is a lot more fun when the best players are on the field.

My picks are in BOLD, and the lines come to us courtesy of our friends at Vegas Insider. I use the “VI Consensus” line, which is the line that occurs most frequently across Vegas Insider’s list of sportsbooks. Your sportsbook of choice may offer a different number, and if you’d like my opinion on said number A) you are insane, and B) leave a comment below and I’ll try to answer at some point before things kickoff today.

EARLY GAMES

Los Angeles Rams at Buffalo Bills (-2)

The Bills have looked great in their first two games, no doubt about it. BUT, those two games were against the incomprehensibly shitty Jets and a Dolphins team that I don’t think anyone would call world-beaters. The Rams represent a huge step up in weight class, and I’m not sure how the Bills will handle it. I still love Josh Allen and believe in the Bills in general, but this game might be a little shock to the system for them.

Chicago Bears at Atlanta Falcons (-3)

I’ve read a few takes saying that a trip to Atlanta to play against a ghastly Falcons secondary is going to make Mitchell Trubisky and the Bears offense look much better than they are, but what this pick presupposes is that a meeting with Mitchell will make the Falcons secondary look better than they are.

Washington Football Team at Cleveland Browns (-7)

I know they gave up 30 points last week, but The Football Team’s defense has played really well through two games so far. They mauled the Eagles in a Week 1 victory that saw them sack Carson Wentz 8 times, intercept him twice and hold Philly to 57 rushing yards (3.4 yards per attempt) TOTAL. In Week 2, they held Arizona RB Kenyan Drake in check for the most part (86 total yards, 4.3 per rush) and managed to pick off Kyler Murray once while sacking him three times. Washington was done in by Calimari’s running ability, which is gonna happen to a lot of teams, I reckon. Baker Mayfield is no Kyler Murray when it comes to his wheels, so I’m taking the 7 points.

Tennessee Titans (-2.5) at Minnesota Vikings

Minnesota has looked DREADFUL so far, getting whomped by the Packers and then the Colts. I honestly don’t have a great reason for picking them, other than thinking “they can’t be THIS bad.” If this year has taught us anything, it’s that thinking things can’t get worse is pretty stupid, yet here I am. The only aspect of this game I have any confidence in prediction-wise is in saying that it’ll be the first early game to wrap up. These teams are gonna run, run, and then run some more.

Las Vegas Raiders at New England Patriots (-6.5)

Last week, I once again picked against the Raiders, and they once again made me look stupid by not only covering, but winning outright. So help me if Cam Newton leads New England to an absolute thrashing of this collection of assholes he will immediately become my favorite Patriot ever. 

If I wanted to give a non-spite related reason for my pick, I’d mention that Las Vegas will be without rookie WR Henry Ruggs , LB Nick Kwiatkoski and T Trent Brown, and that G Denzelle Good, T Sam Young, TE Darren Waller and RB Josh Jacobs are all Questionable as of this writing. I’m totally picking against them out of spite, though.

San Francisco 49ers (-3) at New York Giants

The Niners were absolutely wrecked by injuries last week, and now they’re playing again on the same turf that they feel took out their comrades. I can’t help but wonder if that’ll be in their heads a little bit, and if there’s anyone who knows the minds of NFL players, it’s a guy who’s never even attended a school at any level that fielded a football team. Nick Mullens is a pretty good backup QB, and it’s not like he’s replacing Russell Wilson, but still. I can’t take an injury-riddled road favorite starting a backup QB. Seats are rapidly opening up on the Daniel Jones bandwagon, but I remain resolute...for now.

Cincinnati Bengals at Philadelphia Eagles (-4)

I’m really torn here, because I am all the way in on The Joe Burrow Experience and want good things for him, but if the Eagles come out looking like an exploded diaper again it’s gonna get really awkward and depressing in Philadelphia, and I can’t handle feeling even more secondhand cringe and despair in these trying times. I’d greatly prefer a middling Eagles season that keeps their fans’ rage at no more than a simmer, and for that to be the case they’re gonna need to win decisively here. Sorry, Joe.

Houston Texans at Pittsburgh Steelers (-4)

After dealing with Daniel Jones in Week 1 and the Drew Lock/Jeff Driskel Combo Meal in Week 2, the Steelers defense will now have to contend with DeShaun Watson. In my expert football-knower opinion, this will be a more difficult challenge for them. Conversely, the Texans started their year with games against the Chiefs and then the Ravens, and while I do think the Steelers are pretty good, they’re a step below those two death squads. In what’s become a running theme in my picks this week, I think a bit of equilibrium is restored and the Texans have somewhat of a get-right game while Pittsburgh gets taken down a peg.

LATE GAMES

Carolina Panthers at Los Angeles Chargers (-6.5)

This is a tough one. Conventional wisdom says 6.5 is a pretty big number for a rookie QB in his second start, though like everyone else I thought Justin Herbert looked more than legit in his debut. The L.A. defense has been fantastic, and they’re plenty good enough to paper over any potential rookie mistakes from their QB. 

I’m going with the Chargers less because of them and more because of how poor the Carolina offense has looked so far. Teddy Bridgewater is a great story and I’m glad he got himself a nice contract after his horrific leg injury in Minnesota, but he hasn’t looked like an NFL starter this year. New Panthers OC Joe Brady performed a miracle and gave the LSU Tigers an offense for the ages, so he clearly knows what he’s doing. Maybe the Panthers will get it together as the season goes on, but for this week I don’t see it, especially without all-world RB Christian McCaffery. 

New York Jets at Indianapolis Colts (-11.5)

11.5! That’s a large number for a pro game, and it’s terrible that I didn’t have to grapple all that much with laying the points. The Jets have looked historically awful and I feel bad for everyone on their sideline except for Adam Gase and Gregg Williams. Fuck those two. I don’t have a solid read on the Colts quite yet, but I’ve been around long enough to know that a Phillip Rivers-led squad would NEVER blow a layup like this.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-6) at Denver Broncos

I get that Tampa Bay is the road team here, but A) there are no fans in the stands, B) Denver has lost several key players to injury and C) they’re starting Jeff Driskel at Quarterback. The Bucs giving less than a TD seems odd to me. Maybe there’s some concern about the altitude affecting Tom Brady’s elderly lungs, or about the possibility of Rob Gronkowski buying thousands of dollars worth of edibles in Denver and mixing them in with the pregame spread. Classic Gronk move, imo.

Detroit Lions at Arizona Cardinals (-5.5)

I don’t see any way the Lions slow down this Cardinals offense, so their only hope is to outscore them. If stud WR Kenny Golladay were healthy I’d like Detroit’s chances a whole lot more, but he’s listed as Questionable with an injured hammy at the moment and on Friday assessed his situation as follows: “Wouldn’t say it’s 100 percent. I really wouldn’t even put a percentage on it, I just know I’m not 100 percent.” That doesn’t sound great to me, but I don’t come from an All Medical family, so I could be wrong.

Dallas Cowboys at Seattle Seahawks (-5)

The formerly formidable Seattle Seahawks secondary has given up 450 passing yards to Matt Ryan, and 397 yards to Cam Newton in their two games this season, while the Cowboys were also carved up by Matty Ice (lol) in their insanely improbable Week 2 win. Both of these passing attacks are fantastic, so this feels like an absolute orgy of touchdowns in the making. This game has the week’s highest over-under at 56.5, so I’m not exactly breaking any new ground with this analysis. That’s really the main hallmark of this blog series, now that I think about it. 

SNF: Green Bay Packers at New Orleans Saints (-3)

This game would be a lot more fun if All-Pro WRs Michael Thomas and Davante Adams were suiting up at 100% for their respective teams, but sometimes the Football Gods are dicks. Thomas is OUT with an ankle injury, and as of this writing Adams is being called a game-time decision with a bad hamstring. I’m guessing the game is gonna be more Aaron Jones vs Alvin Kamara than the Aaron Rodgers vs Drew Brees matchup it’s being billed as. That’s still plenty good enough to get me to tune in, as those guys are great in their own right. All things being equal, I trust Aaron Rodgers more to make chicken salad out of chicken shit against the Saints D at this point in time, so I’m giving Green Bay the edge. 

Every time Sean Payton takes his 1st ballot Hall of Fame QB off the field in favor of Taysom Hill, an angel gets its oxycodone prescription refilled. 

MNF: Kansas City Chiefs at Baltimore Ravens (-3.5)

My feelings on this game can be summed up by one of the great orators of modern times, “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair:

Last Week’s Record: 10-5

Season Record: 19-11-1