#They hid like half of her backstory what the fuck

[castaccio]

Me last week, only having watched The Mandalorian, the OG Trilogy, the Sequel Trilogy, and Rogue 1: Dang I was hoping for that arc about Din being a capable leader to get resolved better....but I'm glad Bo is the leader in his stead! She messed up that one time with Moff Gideon—and I figured everyone would be a bit more mad about it—but now she gets to unite everyone under refreshed & competent leadership while Din gets to keep his kid and his episodic adventures. All's well that ends well!

Me now, knowing Bo's involvement in Death Watch:

[sayakxmi]

[Magi rewatch] Episode 7: His Name Is Sinbad [Part 3]

Is that your man, half of the Magi fandom?

A small change, in the manga Sinbad was more "consider several options & pick one", here he's just "this is how I see it & I'm gonna stick to it".

Also, gdi, I love these backgrounds.

Aladdin's doubting if they're doing the right thing far more than in the manga. Like, I think in the manga he just... didn't. He was kinda more interested in getting it done & finding Alibaba.

And, tbh, that kinda makes sense? He crossed the desert, he's kinda used to bandits being dangerous and all that.

No, fr, he sounds like he doesn't want to do it, but will do anything to see Alibaba again.

I love him.

Also, I've really said my 3 fav characters were Alibaba, Ja'far & Kouen, and now I'm like I'VE ABANDONED MY BOY. There is another. Sphintus my beloved. Get ready, bc I will spam him in Magnostadt Arc so hard.

"Sinbad might look suspicious" LMAO

The way he quickly moves to hide behind him. 10/10

Really love the music in this entire scene.

This one sounds a bit like the slowed down Enfin Apparu.

In the manga Sinbad just tells them to take what they need, just not to kill anybody. Here he's more encouraging. Not to kill, but, like, in general. The manga was more like giving permission, and here he's telling them "you should take action if you believe what they're doing to be unfair". Which, y'know, is kinda stupid when I think about it. Anime!Sinbad is fucking lucky, because this action could have lead to a political mess, like, bro could've just said that their king sucks & they should fight him. Not a good move, Anime King Sinbad!

Like, I know Sinbad will end up involving himself in internal affairs of Balbadd, but the anime makes it look pretty bad because of this scene. Supporting an existing rebellion is one thing, but encouraging to rebel is a different one.

Also, here Morgiana & Aladdin are searching for Ja'far, cuz they think Sinbad might've been attacked. In the manga it's Morgiana who hears something & informs Aladdin.

There's another thing about Morgiana & her being sidelined in the future - she's rarely singled out, especially later on. But the anime does that already. On the one hand, it's cool to see Morgiana & Aladdin be a team, but on the other, Morgiana oftentimes is viewed as a part of a group, by Alibaba specifically. If he ever thinks about her in the first place. Aladdin and Morgiana. Hakyruu and Morgiana. It's hardly ever just Morgiana.

I've told you! No Aladdin seeing Alibaba, just Morgiana noticing something wrong & informing him, then taking him away from the danger.

Beautiful.

Looks fun.

Ok, this is something I like. The manga basically infodumps about these swords, but here, it comes up in an actual conversation. "Your red fogblade of illusion horrifying as always, Zainab. / Shut up, and use your yellow fogblade of corrosion, Hassan."

Stunning.

Skillz.

Valse Hot playing as they appear.

Morgiana wrecking shit. Neat.

Ok, it's sth I don't think I've commented on the manga read, but Cassim going ??? it's a girl?? Is a mix of "kind of funny", and a nice characterization moment. Both in the anime & manga he looks surprised and kind of guilty. He might be an asshole, but he wouldn't hit a girl. Makes sense, given his backstory.

Also, I'm pretty sure Morgiana's Mariam's age if she, you know, were alive.

Also, that Alibaba with his stupid haor & one eye visible. As if there were any doubts who he was. Well, I get WHY, but in the manga he actually hid his face properly.

Ah, here Cassim just keeps going, in the manga it's Zainab who basically tells him "doesn't matter, she's the enemy!"

Also, another thing I haven't commented on in the manga - Cassim very early shows that he is the real leader. He's the one to take command in this mess, while Alibaba just stands back & watches.

Determination monolog. His priority is Alibaba, he needs to find him, and he needs to deal with these guys to do this.

(insert Saya's short scream here)

Staring.

Realization.

I love how quiet it gets, btw.

-gasp- IT'S HIM!

[smnthncl]

See, this damn fic idea keeps circling in my head, so I’m putting it here because I need to do something with it until I have time to write the full thing.

It’s basically Tav and Astarion working through both of their sexual trauma, Tav’s pisspoor ability to ask for help, and Astarion’s tendencies to hid behind a mask of drama, wit, sass, and humor to cover his fears wrapped in a neat little adventure to get our sad vampire boy into the sun both physically and emotionally.

//TW//: Sexual Assault, Abuse, Slight Gore, Connon-Typical Violence. Both Astarion and Ginger (Tav) have sexually abusive and violent back stories that are relevant to their emotional connection and the plot. They are referenced multiple times. If you can’t handle that, this isn’t for you.

Relavant Context: Non-Ascended Astarion, romanced, almost had the 5-some with Halsin and the drow twins but backed out for Astarion’s sake despite him saying he was down, chose the “let’s find a way for you to see the sun again” ending, pretty much All companions got their best ending (read: emotionally healthiest ending I could get them) (still kinda want a better ending for Karlach, but what can you do 🤷🏽‍♀️, next fic and play through with the new patch, I guess). I saved the grove and got Halsin and Jahira, not Minthara. Friends with the Myconid Colony by completing all their missions and killing Glut.

Time: A little over a year after the end of the game. I think the game happens during early/mid summer (Astarion mentions that there’s a difference between a warm summer’s day and the full power of the fucking sun if you drop the Temple of Lathander on the party and you say you though the tadpole would protect him), so it’s the beginning of fall. The days are getting shorter, and it’s getting colder.

Where: Beginning in BG, a chapter in the Underdark, half a chapter on the road, but mostly takes place in a different, home brew city I made for my actual D&D game called Whitry.

Power level: Roughly equivalent to level 15 for D&D nerds. Astarion is full Arcane Trickster Rogue and Tav is full Hunter Ranger. I min-max enough in real life D&D, this particular BG3 play through was about the story.

Tav: Ginger; Urchin Tiefling Hunter Ranger (28 during the game, 29 during the fic). She’s primarily a ranged fighter but is still damn good up close, heavy on the foraging and taking anything not nailed down. A little neurotic, probably has ADHD, prefers animals to humanoids 90% of the time, is about long-term self-preservation first and foremost, and loves hugs and cuddles. (Voice 6, V C for those curious.)

*see below; Alt Text is available* (It is cannon that she’s the spitting image of her mother except she has her dad’s eye and hair color exactly. Her mom has black hair and gray eyes. Her dad is pale like Dammon and his horns are longer.) (It is also D&D cannon that tieflings have a lifespan of roughly 180 years on average, maturing at the same age as humans. So being 28/29 is a bit more equivalent to a 24 year old human.)

WARNING: LONG BACKSTORY THAT IS RELEVANT TO THE PLOT BUT IS STILL VERY LONG

Backstory: more or less an orphan because her parents were enslaved by Zariel in Elterel but sent her off to live in Baldur’s Gate when she was ~11 to escape. It was a good idea because she escaped Zariel, but she ended up poor and on the streets of the Outer City. She foraged and hunted in the wilderness to feed herself and learned herbalism to make home remedies because she couldn’t afford a doctor (Explains the in-game potion making skills that I abused to hell and back (literally had a stash of 65 health potions at one point) and why cure wounds, good berry, speak with animals, and hunters mark are her most used spells). She did nearly anything for a coin to survive…

//TW//: Mentions of Teen SA and AGAIN Slight Gore, Canon-typical violence

Early on in the winter before her 16th birthday (late spring - think early/mid May), she wasn’t making much money from foraging. Hunting and selling furs wasn’t keeping her afloat anymore, and she got desperate* enough to turn to sex work despite her age.

*I don’t have have a problem with sex work. The issue is her age. She is aware that the people pursuing her are pedos and are likely very dangerous, hence calling the choice desperate.

It, unfortunately, paid well enough to help her rent a small shack of her own closer to the Upper City. The novelty of being a tiefling that looked fairly elven besides the obvious deviations (horns, tail, fangs, and ridges under her skin) brought a lot of interest from richer people. For the better part of the next year and a half, she financed her life this way - unhappily and disgusted with herself but otherwise comfortable.

That is until one of her richer clients, a knight named Ser Karreed Tange (human man, late 30s/early 40s, tan-ish, cropped blond hair, blue eyes - think the fake Paladin of Tyr hunting Karlach in Act 1 but older) became obsessed with her. It got to the point where he threatened her other clients to scare them off so he could schedule more of her time. He even got himself restationed to the keep nearest to her neighbor to see her more frequently. He was also a fan of more violent kinks that she did not enjoy, but couldn’t say no to as she needed the money (as was the case with many of her clients, but his were particularly demeaning and added greatly to her self-loathing about the whole experience).

When she rejected his offer to marry her (she’s still a few weeks shy of 17 at this point) and effectively keep her as a personal sex slave, he attacked her and r*ped her. Further, he cut her face to ‘ruin her beauty’ (that’s how she got the deep scar over her right eye; the smaller one on the left side of her chin she got from trying to fight back before the assault.).

She tried to report him to his captain, but none of them believed the kind knight they worked with would do such a thing, so nothing happened to him. She tried for the better part of a year to move on. She stopped seeing clients all together as many had stopped coming due to her injuries. She returned to hunting, moved back to her old place in the far east of BG, shaved her head, got her tattoo (the one that looks like smoke and goes around her left eye and wraps around the left side of her head and neck), and kept a low profile.

This worked until the next winter when Ser Tange was being dispatched east to Wakeen’s Rest. The staging ground for the march east was in her neighborhood, and he made himself known by sending a fucked up gift to her house. After having the panic attack from hell, she followed him from a bar and killed him, hiding his body in the woods she had been foraging in for half a decade, and she was never caught. She took everything on him she could sell or use including his heavy crossbow which became her favorite kind of weapon (The crossbow that banes people became her top weapon for most of the play through). A close friend, Rory (half elven trans man around her age, maybe a half year older, relevant later in the story) was her alibi and helped hide and eventually fence his armor and more conspicuous equipment.

She lived life as a bit of a vigilante for hire (hence her comfort with killing and looting people’s bodies) until the game starts, killing any known abusers in her community for a small fee. It took her a long time to be comfortable with sex again, but she is pansexual and most comfortable as closed polyamorous* or monogamous.

*closed poly meaning a defined group of people with no open dating outside of the defined group. (Halsin, for example, wouldn’t fit because he’s open to anyone that strikes his fancy; he’s open polyamorous.)

Their Dynamic: Ginger and Astarion haven’t really had sex since grave yard (The almost 5-some happened after that). Ginger has, beyond just being a morally sound person, an issue with feeling like she’s even potentially forcing someone to be intimate with her, so she doesn’t initiate with Astarion for his comfort. Astarion hasn’t really initiated anything because he has a hard time combining actual love and intimacy with sex. They are a very affectionate couple still, as both of them are heavily touch starved, especially in the context of non-sexual intimacy. They both want to have sex but are waiting for the other to say something about it because they don’t want to make the other uncomfortable. They are very openly in love with each other, but also mutually pining.

THE ACTUAL STORY EXPLANATION STARTS HERE:

This is my idea, please don’t take it. I want to share because I don’t have time to write it all right now, but I will on Ao3 eventually.

Basically, it’s been a year since the destruction of the Elder Brain, and Astarion and Ginger have made some progress on their mission but no permanent solutions. The best they have when the fic begins is a potion Ginger makes from the oil of a specific mushroom from the Underdark that grows from dead drow, duegar, and deep gnomes when the Myconids take over their bodies. Obviously not easy to get as those are sentient being. Thankfully due to the good relationship, they kindly gave them some spores to propagate a small patch. It’s still not enough to make sun walking an everyday occasion, though. The potion works for about 24 hours and needs to be applied to any part of his body that sees the sun, hair included, which he hates. It smells nice - woodsy pine and jasmine - but he doesn’t like feeling that greasy. The massages are great, though.

They have a lead on a witch that’s a friend of Gale’s. She rarely visits Waterdeep or Baldur’s Gate, but she’ll be in BG for a few days to visit her parents’ graves (personal reasons that will get mentioned later). Laurelle (Lore - ELLE) Jin (half siren/half half-elven (high elf) transmutation wizard and a touch of druid for reasons. She looks low key Jamaican mixed with Korean in the sketch I did of her, hence the name) is a potion maker and enchanter that used to be Tara’s hook up for items to feed Gale. Given how powerful she is and her half-century “friend”ship (read: situationship) with a hybrid werewolf-vampire, she seems like their best hope to finding a solution.

They meet Laurelle not long after she gets into town, and she immediately likes Ginger as a fellow potion maker (I have an adorable nerd-out over her vampire-grade SPF 9001 interaction that Astarion has to interrupt with a, “ahem, sorry to interrupt this deeply fascinating conversation, but we have a task to complete, my love” scene idea).

They inform her of the item they would like her to enchant, AND SHE CAN MAKE IT! (Into a nice ring, too!) But there are a few issues:

1. She needs moonstone, adamantine, and some of Ginger’s Underdark mushrooms to make the ring.

2. And the bigger issue, Astarion needs to be a full vampire, not a spawn, to use the item as the magic would overwhelm having the opposite effect - sunlight would incinerate him even faster, and he even would develop a sensitivity to moonlight - if he’s not strong enough. This obviously has its own subset of issues:

He needs Cazador’s blood to complete the transformation. His body has just been decaying in his abandoned Palace for a year+, so he’s all dried out. Also, it’s fucking Cazador’s palace.

The vampire transformation will corrupt his mind and make him more evil, paranoid, and power hungry (literally a D&D thing; the transformation changes the creature’s alignment). Laurelle mentions that Astarion would have already undergone some personality changes when he became a spawn, but that it wasn’t strong enough to totally override his actual personality yet. (Literally the only reason we could talk him down in the game is because the real person was still in there)

Post completing the transformation, he’s going to be hungry as all fuck, and will need to drain a full person, maybe two or three given how powerful Cazador was. A snack on Ginger to hold him over until he can hunt isn’t likely won’t cut it. He’ll be ravenous and probably won’t be able to stop once he starts. On top of it, animal blood won’t satisfy him enough despite filling his stomach.

The first issue is easily fixed with a day trip to the Underdark, so that’s not all that concerning.

The second and all it’s sub-issues are where the plot kicks in.

The first sub-issue is actually already solved, as Ginger had taken a potion bottle of Cazador’s blood the night after Astarion killed him. She had left him in their rooms at the inn to decompress in a hot herbal bath and secretly took Halsin, Gale, and Shadowheart back to the Palace and taken some with their help. This revelation earns her a look from Astarion that is clearly the beginning of him spiraling internally, but he stays uncharacteristically quiet as Ginger continues to strategize with Laurelle to circumvent the remaining issues.

There already exists an item that protects someone from mental corruption (read: alignment changes) during transformations like this. The Netherese magic that protected them from the tadpoles is basically it. Ginger questions if it would have protected Astarion during the Ascension. The answer is no, because the magic wasn’t focused on protecting him; it was encapsulating the tadpole (Laurelle is horrified when Ginger and Astarion explain the full details of both the Ascension pact and the tadpoles). However, Laurelle knows where to get the item, and it also lead into the solution she has for the last issue.

In her home town of Whitry, there is a shifty merchant who trades in stolen and fake artifacts. Many are made in his secret sweatshops where he forces the more monstrous races (orcs, bugbears, ogres etc.) to work for next to nothing is shitty conditions. One of the few real items he owns is on display in his home, and he’s having an end of summer gala - to which she has an open invite to - in a little less than 2 weeks. Laurelle suggests kidnapping him right after the gala and stealing the artifact then to cover their own tracks, since he’s otherwise rather reclusive when he’s not selling or posturing to the public pretending to be an adventurer.

As for the potential two extra bodies that Astarion will need, there are two criminals in Whitry that Laurelle’s “friend”, Daniel (human open hand Monk/thief Rogue Bounty Hunter werewolf/vampire hybrid; he’s Asian in appearance; bulky Seo Changbin or Bang Chan from Stray Kidz but just a little taller, has a deep as voice like Song Mingi from ATEEZ, face like Dori Sakurada) had been hunting down for a little while, and he wouldn’t mind a hand capturing and dealing with them.

One is luring people from bars, and they’re never seen again. The other serial r*pist and murderer with a thing for fem-presenting tieflings that’s recently started emerging in the last few weeks.

The mention of the first’s MO leaves a familiar, sour taste in Astarion’s mouth. The mention of the second, for reasons Astarion is unaware of (he knows about her sex work days, doesn’t know about her age at the time or the knight. He thinks she stopped because she got hurt hunting. She hates talking about it, and he doesn’t make her.), causes Ginger to internally freak the fuck out.

I will stop to note that both of them have damn good poker faces, so Laurelle isn’t really aware of the two of them having internal breakdowns, but Ginger and Astarion know each other well enough to know when The Mask™️ slips on.

With a clear enough plan, Ginger and Astarion plan to set off to the Underdark right away, portal back to BG to resupply for the day-and-a-half trip south, set out, and then meet Laurelle in Whitry in a few days.

This is chapter 1.

During the trip to the Underdark, while in the Sêlunite Temple looking for the shard of the shattered moonstone, Astarion asks Ginger why she took the blood and why she never told him. His tone is accusatory.

Because she’s never been all that good at explaining herself (not really a skill you need when you raised yourself from the age of 11 and you’ve been pretty much alone for the last 2 decades), she says “I was scared that I would lose you, so I just wanted all options present.”

Astarion immediately imagines the worst even if he knows it’s irrational. He spirals thinking if she would use the blood to make him subservient to her so he couldn’t leave her. He tries to bury that idea, but the next idea springs to mind: does she think he’s weak? Was not as strong as the other companions? Did she not trust his ability to fight the Elder Brain? Another train of thought: does she pity him? Is that why she’s stayed? Does she feel sorry for making him cower from the sun? Has all her ‘love’ been a show to keep him on the line until she can “fix” him? Is he a project to her? Is that why she hasn’t slept with him in a year? He tells himself he would deserve that considering how he had pursued her under false pretenses initially, how he had only laid with her once out of true love in the graveyard. Had she done that out of pity as well?

“What is that supposed to mean?” he asks darkly, abandoning the search.

Ginger doesn’t get the question, “Exactly what I said. I didn’t want to lose you.” She didn’t understand that he meant for her to explain how she feared losing him. She didn’t realized he wasn’t making her same leaps in logic.

She didn’t say it was because she feared he would resent her for convincing him to give up that power and leave her. She didn’t say it was because she rightly feared than none of her companions were strong enough to fight the Elder Brain. She didn’t say she feared that his siblings would get power hungry first, get Cazador’s blood, and try to control him, so she drained him of enough blood for Astarion to complete the transformation, had Halsin incinerate the body, Shadowheart consecrate the ashes so he could never be resurrected, and had Gale magically hide them away forever so no one could find them to try. She didn’t say that she was going to bring it up during the exact conversation where he thanked her for not letting him ascend because she felt horrible for doing all of that and not telling him let alone getting his input. She didn’t say it when he took her to the grave yard to see his head stone. She didn’t say it because she’d finally been made love to for the first time and she was scared he would hate her for making all of those decisions for him.

Astarion starts ranting, questioning her down the whole spiral of his thoughts. He’s accusatory because he’s hurt and sacred himself.

Normally level-headed, Ginger feels backed into a corner. He’s honestly the first person she’s ever loved romantically. Beyond that, he’s also one of her first truly close friends, Karlach and Shadowheart being her closest friends outside of him (wine girlies for life). So instead of seeing his hurt, she gets defensive and angry as well, taking particular offense to being compared to Cazador when he asks about her cooking up a potion to make herself his master.

“Where the fuck did you get all of that from? When did I ever say anything remotely close to any of that?”

“What else is ‘all options present’ supposed mean then?” he snaps. He gets even angrier as she has not only not abandoned the moonstone search but has now also started collecting mushrooms growing on rotting burlap sacs to her alchemy pouch, instead of facing him.

“Gods above and below, damn it all! Will you stop being a pack rat that will do anything for a coin for five fucking seconds and look at me!” He snaps louder, fully yelling at her, voice a booming echo across the stone work.

The sudden command and unintentionally jab at her past pissed her off, and she wheeled on him, “First of all, fuck you-”

He’s in her face but hasn’t touched her. She hadn’t even hear him approach, damned rogue.

Something about the distant brasier light, barely embers, hits just wrong enough, and Ginger is back to that night. The anger turns to panic. The urge fight makes her body tense, coiling like a spring. She cool darkness of the temple suddenly feels oppressive. She can barely breathe. It takes every fiber of her being to recognize that Astarion isn’t Karreed and that she doesn’t need to lash out.

Astarion sees the change, literally watching her entire body go from the lithe, practiced grace of a skilled hunter to stone-still. Everything from the animated way she speaks with her hands to the casual sway of her tail - though it had been sharper when she was angry - comes to a dead halt. Her arms pull to her side. The only movement is the obvious urge to reach for her rapier that she’s fighting.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t know that she’s not actually afraid of him. He doesn’t know that the panic he sees in her eyes isn’t because she thinks he would actually hurt her. The spiral in his mind clouds him from seeing her try to reconcile her reality with something else.

All sees is more evidence that Cazador’s blood was going to be used to control him somehow. Only now he doesn’t think it’s because she was potentially evil and vindictive like Cazador. He thinks it’s because she scared of being hurt by him. That he’d hurt her, maybe not even on purpose, or maybe he’d lose his mind and become power hungry like Cazador again, and she’d have to kill him. That’s how she thinks she’d lose him. She loves him so much she’d rather control him than kill him. She probably wouldn’t even use the potion to control him unless she absolutely had to. It’d probably only be after she exhausted every other avenue. She knows how much he values his freedom. She wouldn’t unless there was no other option.

He softens immediately, “My love, my angel…” he reaches out to embrace her, not knowing how to apologize for giving her the idea that he would harm her.

Ginger, still steeped in panic with anger simmering just underneath it, is too consumed by her inner turmoil to notice the change in demeanor and flinches away. The tiniest voices of reason in her mind and heart chastise her immediately for it, screaming at her that he’d never, but she not of present enough mind to say more than, “Please don’t touch me, Astarion.”

Astarion’s world goes cold, bone achingly cold. He had spent a year alone in a crypt, and this was colder. Never once since they had decided to pursue something real together had they denied each other affection.

Further, Astarion couldn’t remember the last time Ginger had used his name plainly. He couldn’t remember the last time he used hers. If either had, it was followed up with some sort of pet name. Their favorites had been the more ironic ones. She called him her star despite his sunlight affliction, and he called her his angle despite her infernal heritage.

Now, he is being hit with the loss of both at once, and he’s sure he’d rather take the full blast of a cone of cold head on than feel like this.

All he can do is acquises, “Alright…”

She won’t even look him in the eye. She’s gone almost totally internal; all the walls he thought had broken down in his presence reveal themselves to be fully in tact. After few moments like this, the hard determined exterior that he had encountered for most of his first days with her had returned.

In a forced, quiet tone, she speaks, “Let’s just finish getting what we came for,” then turns away, returning to her gathering.

Ginger spends the rest of the chapter quiet and specifically not ‘being a pack rat’ despite Astarion clearly seeing her eyes clock chasm creepers and timmask spores she’d recently learned to weaponize into laughing bombs. If he didn’t know he lacked the harvesting skills she had, he’d have made an attempt, but blowing them up doesn’t feel like a great idea, so he sticks with collecting the chasm creepers, sneaking them into her pouch.

When they run through the forge to find some spare adamantine, she only speaks once to warn him a grate she stopped on didn’t feel stable anymore. And during the boat ride back to the Myconids, she only occasionally mumbles to herself as she organizes their packs while he steers.

Astarion spent the remaining trip dumbfounded by her. He scared her, he thought, and yet she was still loving to him. He’d made a half-assed comment about something and her behavior changed immediately, though he didn’t really care about her pack rat tendencies, and he hopes his stealthy gathering on her behalf corrected that misconception. He actually finds them rather endearing and useful (plenty of his gear was financed by them). She still organized his pack for him just the way he liked, adding more of the potions and tinctures she made with impressive speed - especially on a boat - as she went. Hells, she’s still actively pursuing the materials for his daylight ring.

All of it makes him feel particularly undeserving of her, and little does he know, she feels the exact same way about him.

They take the ascent to the surface through the entrance the hide out in Wakeen’s Rest. Killing the traders and leaving the cavern in tact had been useful after all. Gale’s portals (my way of explaining the waypoints) were fun and all, but Ginger likes walking. It gives her time to think. It is unfortunately mid afternoon when they resurface, so they camp out in the storage house above the hide out until dark.

That’s Chapter 2.

They spend the next 7-10 chapters painstaking slowly resolving this misunderstanding, getting better at communication, and completing their mission with a satisfying second and third dose of revenge on a former abuser. Also, they make new friends, find a nice place to settle down, and find jobs that don’t require them to risk their lives 24/7 (but there is an adventure to be had sometimes). I also intend to leave an ambiguous thread open for them to find a way to pursue a form of non-vampiric immortality for Ginger on the side with Laurelle’s help. Also, potential for Dhampire Babies!?

Tentative name: For Her Star

The sequel about finding immortality for her being: For His Angel

low key very obsessed with sex-adverse Astarion. like he's The Thirst Companion. The fucking Only Fangs joke. All the smut fan content. And then it does a total 180 and he's like "actually my sexual identity was weaponized against me and i was forced to use it to lead hundreds of people to their deaths". It's just such a compelling and interesting twist on his character. I love it.

[graceful-stranded-thoughts]

Almost

I often think about the “almosts” in my life. The “could’ve beens” that sadly turn into “never was”. The beginnings of beautiful moments that stop dead, as though its writer met an untimely end. Piles of unfinished stories, stored away in a box, locked away because the remembering is too painful. Trying to finish these doomed pieces is too painful. Coming up with endings that never happened, in hopes to soothe this anxiousness of incompleteness. But no ending is good enough because they’re lies. They’re pillows to cushion the blow as reality catches up with the fall. Because it never happened. Because it never will. Because...we never made it. We almost did. I was almost your love. There was no “She was your love” and no “She is my love”. Just that damned almost.

 And it’s the almost that kills me more than the end. What is it people say? “It’s never the end, only the beginning”. That optimistic bullshit.  But what about the almost? What happens then? What happens to the blank pages that I flip through, trying to fill the lapses in my memory? The gaps and holes that can never be filled? How can I find a beginning when there was never an end to push me in the right direction? 

It’s the almost that leaves me feeling like a failure. Because I couldn’t even fight to see it through. I couldn’t even string together a half-assed ending. I just...stopped. But it wasn’t my fault. Looking back, almost five years later, it wasn’t my fucking fault and I was a fool for spending so long convincing myself it was.. Because it took two people to tell this story, but it only took one to settle with almost.

I’d rather be left with an “It was hard, but I learned from it”  ending. It makes for a more intriguing, tragic backstory. At least I’d be left with my pride. Instead, I was left with shame, throbbing inside my skin, clawing its way through the epidermis, demanding to be seen. To be validated. To be acknowledged by you.  So you can see what you did...what you’re doing. See me. See me you fucking coward. Face what you did and what you put me through. Even though you’re looking right at me, you see nothing. At least you would if you’d even look at me. Acknowledge my presence. I am screaming at you to see me, but you refuse. Because seeing me would mean admitting to the pain that has carved itself into my irises. The pain you caused. The pain you’ve turned your back on. The pain you admitted you’d do again if you could have her back. The other her. The was...not the almost.

I was always going to be an almost. But you made me feel like a was. Treated me like a was. Held me like a was. Then you kissed me like an is and fuck...I forgot that almost was even an option. I had never been an is. I’d been an or, but never an is. There were signs. As loud as the sirens on an ambulance screaming down the highway and I turn away because it’s so fucking loud and flashy. Looking back, I was so stupid for turning up the music so I couldn’t hear them. Closing my eyes to the red, white, and blue lights..

You treated me like an is only when we were alone. Never in front of others. I could not tell anyone about being an is. “It would complicate things”. You hid behind your religion that preached togetherness and unity, but not with someone like me. Someone who didn’t drop to her knees every Sunday. But I prayed. My god, did I pray. You were my religion and I was completely devoted. I had taken my communion, your lips the wine and your skin the bread. I wanted you to consume every part of me. And you looked so heavenly when I was on my knees.

And then we hit almost. The place no one understands until they’ve been there. Until they see it come out of nowhere and you have to slam on the breaks, but it’s too late because I’ve crashed, and now I have to get out of the car and try to apologize for something that I don’t even understand. And I turn around and it’s gone. Everything. Those moving pictures in my mind that seemed to always be leading me  towards something are frozen. And I see you, but you’re far away. You don’t look at me. And then I realize, I was never an is. I was always an almost.

So I’m stuck with all these stories, cut by a knife halfway through. They seem to appear on my bookshelf the more I reflect. The more I realize that almost was always going to be my ending with you. And it’s the almost that kills. At least with endings, I get a definitive stop. I get the closure everyone says is so healthy, even though it hurts to know it’s over. There’s no way to rewrite the story because for some reason the edits disappear as I write them. But the almost...what do I do with those? I’m left with the kisses and the touches and the whispers. Those goddamn fucking whispers that keep me up at night. They mock me. Laugh as they watch the hope drain from my body and pool at the ground. Their derisive voices forcing me to remember. And then they force me to remember as the whispers smoke out anything that isn’t you. 

I’m left with the pathetic hope that maybe, just maybe I can convince you that I’m are an is. That maybe you still think I’m an is and you’re just afraid of those feelings. Because there was no set end. There was no rolling stop and mutual agreement. Just a crash. And you can fix those, right? Call your insurance company, swap cards...but there has to be someone to blame? Is it the one who came out of nowhere? Without looking to see if someone was there? Or was it the person who didn’t stop in time. Who was so caught up in the ride they didn’t bother to look at what lied ahead? Either way, the damage was fixable. Take it to an auto shop. Replace the parts. But why did you come out it unscathed? Where was your scar? Where was your trauma? Why were you fixed? Maybe you just had better insurance. Either way, I was left with almost. You were almost mine. We almost made it. You almost chose me. I was almost good enough. You almost loved me.

I’m left with the memories. Flipping through these pages, never reaching an ending. I’m left with remembering how my heart raced when you had me against the wall. How my head spun when you kissed me so hard, I forgot how to breathe, but it didn’t matter because you gave me your breath.. When you held me so tight, I thought your palms would be imprinted on my skin forever. I’m left with thinking about the day where your insurance might lapse. Where you might realize that you fucked up. Not me.

But that was five years ago. And almost is a pattern of life.

I almost fell down

I almost forgot my phone

I almost didn’t come

I almost made it.

Looking back on that almost, the one that filled my stories for two years before I realized it was time to end the novel, I was the is. I always was the is. Because I did everything in my power to be the is. You were the almost. Not me. Even though I was stuck with the memories and you got your new is, I was not the almost. The situation was the almost. How you dealt with it was the almost. You made it almost. Not me. I fought for is. But all it took was for you to say “almost”.

[klbwriting]

Pirate’s Heart - Chapter 1

Perfect Color, or Not

Fandom: Six of Crows

Pairing: Kaz/female!Reader

Warning: so this chapter is pretty dark, Kaz’s backstory is dark and there is suggestion of sexual assault but it is not described

Song: Perfect Color - Safety Suit

Taglist: @sixofshadowandbone @thedelusionreaderbitch @itsemy01 @angelicdanvers @marinettepotterandplagg @screen-to-stage @aysegust @sagewrites111 @lilyoflower @hey-peeps @starjane312 @spawn0fsatan @myalupinblack​

Yellow nice to meet you

Do you know that you just blue my mind?

It was the perfect conversation, I think that I red about one time

And I told a white lie when I told you, I've never been green with envy you

You are the perfect color

 The song would not get out of Y/N's head and she hated it.  Pekka sang it to her about her tail all the time.  And she hated Pekka Rollins.  Well hated him as much as she could without a heart.  Why was she thinking so much anyway?  Wasn't she sleeping?  Why was she moving and why did she hear voices?  She groaned, eyes slowly opening to see two teenage girls standing above her.  They were gazing at her with curious eyes and she tried to wipe her own eyes, only to find her wrists were tied to the table she was laying on.  

"She's awake Nina," she said a girl with bronze skin and dark hair.  

"I can see that Inej," the other girl, creamy white skin with brown hair and freckles.  Nina was light eyed while Inej had dark eyes, and both girls were fourteen, maybe fifteen years old.  How long had she been asleep?  It couldn't have been that long, she didn't feel any older.  She turned her head, finding a mirror on a table nearby and seeing that she didn't look older, only dirty.  

"Where am I?" she asked.  She knew she was on a boat, she could feel the sea moving them, but how did she get there?  She was in the jungle before, bleeding, stabbed where her heart should have been.

“You’re on the Menagerie,” the one called Nina said. Inej tried to shush her and Y/N could hear footsteps nearby.  

“What have you girls brought me?” a beautiful blond woman asked, entering the room.  She was dressed in fine silks with an intricate peacock feather tattoo on her face, making her look almost like an animal herself.   Y/N felt a very strange pang of fear, dulled by her lack of heart, but she felt it enough to worry about this woman.

“Tante Heleen, we found her in the jungle when we were hunting,” Inej explained, her eyes downcast.   Y/N was fast learning that this woman was not to be trifled with, but she didn’t care.  She wanted out of these bindings and she would do what she needed to survive.  

“My, my, she is filthy, we will have to clean her up, get me the sponge and some water,” she demanded.  Nina did as asked, and Heleen started to clean her face.  “Not particularly special in the face, homely and plain.  Face too round for most men…eyes are dark but not special, lips are too pale will need color,” the woman continued, cleaning down her body and commenting on everything.  Breasts were too small, stomach too round, hips too wide, legs… She stopped at her legs, staring in shock as the bright scales that still dotted her thighs. They were remnants of her tail in case she ever got it back.  Heleen demanded Inej get a message out at the port for the commander, they had something special for him.

“What is it Tante?” Inej asked.  The look Heleen sent her made Inej run.   Y/N was becoming very aware of how this ship worked.  Heleen was a captain of some kind of pleasure vessel and all these poor young girls were stuck here attending to the men who paid for them.   Y/N was disgusted, and she could see from the look on the woman’s face that she was going to be the centerpiece of some kind of show for this commander. Like hell she would have another man touch her without her permission.   Y/N looked around the room and realized she would need to wait for her time to arrive.  She started to pretend to be scared, her acting not very good, it had been a long time since she’d been around anyone and Heleen saw right through it.

“O now, I see, you’re fearless are you?” she asked, a snake like smile on her face.  “Well, let’s get you dressed and shackled.  The commander will want us to report back to Argoes immediately.” Y/N’s eyes narrowed.  Like hell she was going anywhere near Argoes, not when Pekka was going to probably be there.  She would bide her time, wait for a moment to strike.   Y/N may have been a lovestruck mermaid but she was also a rare tail, trained to defend herself.  She knew things were different with legs but her upper body defensive maneuvers should be the same.  

Heleen had her hands shackled and took her to a room full of clothes, dresses in bright colors, silk, and lace.  Nina had followed, listening as the captain listed items for her to retrieve.  While they were distracted by clothes Y/N slid a hat pin into her hand, starting to work the cuffs.  Humans learned many things about mermaids and nearly none of them were true.  The idea that they were stupid, unable to function at the same level mentally as humans, they were underestimating Y/N right now and she was pleased.  

The child, Nina approached her, getting her dressed. Y/N saw the girl look at the hat pin, saw the shackles were no longer together and instead of outing her the girl said nothing.   Y/N smiled, she would let the girl live whenever she killed Heleen.  She wasn’t a monster, at least, she didn’t think she was. Heartless or not she wasn’t going to kill a child who was clearly being used by adults for terrible things.  

“Let me cut this string…” Nina said, moving to a dressing table and taking a pair of scissors and moving back to Y/N.  She cut a pretend string and slid the scissors into the sleeve of the dress she wore.  Their eyes met and an understanding crossed between them.   Y/N would kill Heleen, take this ship, and then she would take care of these children.  No more powerful men were going to use these babies for their own pleasure again.  

Heleen took her above, walked her to the side of the ship.   Y/N looked around, all the crew, everyone, was a child except for one man who seemed to be the muscle on this craft. All young girls of various ages, some as young as 7.   Y/N felt bile rising in her throat as she looked in the eyes of some of them, their eyes were much older than they should have been.  She looked at Nina and motioned for her to fall back a little bit. Nina took two steps back and sat down on the deck.  Heleen turned to face the mermaid as she stood, pointing to the island in the distance.

“Now, when we arrive at Argoes…” she didn’t finish her statement. Y/N sunk the scissors into Heleen’s eye, digging in as deep as she could.  She pulled them back out, feeling the blood on her face but not letting the warmth distract her.  As soon she killed Heleen the man came storming over, lumbering a large. Good.   Y/N ducked down, sliding under him and kicking out her leg.  He ran into it, nearly snapping it in half as he faltered, trying to balance.  For a moment she thought he would regain his footing and come for her but then Inej and Nina came out of nowhere and pushed him, sending him toppling over the side of the ship and into the sea.   Y/N stood up, rubbing her knee as she leaned to the rail of the ship.  

“Well, I’m sorry you had to see that…” she started.  Nina and Inej just shrugged and the rest of the girls on the ship looked at her.  She felt her soul ache for these children and realized maybe her soul could harness strong emotions, but it still didn’t feel completely real, still dulled by her lack of heart.  O well, she would protect these children, make them into a force a nature, show the world that they were more than just a body to warm a bed.  

“Come on, let’s push her over,” Inej said so some of the older girls, moving to Heleen’s body.   Y/N held out an arm.  

“No, you are children, you shouldn’t be disposing of dead bodies, you shouldn’t even be touching them,” she said.  “Get the ship ready, we are sailing for any port except Argoes.” She struggled but finally tossed Heleen’s body to the sea.  Turning she sought out Inej.

“Inej love, did you send that message like Heleen asked?” Y/N asked, gently touching the girl’s face.  Inej shook her head.  “Good. Now, you and Nina are my first mates alright?  So, where have you always wanted to go?”

  Kaz Rietveld didn’t know how long he had been on that boat in the middle of the ocean.  He didn’t know what day it was, what time, all he knew was that he was starving and so very thirsty.  Sitting in all this water was making it worse.  He had tried seawater, even knowing that it would do nothing but make him sick, but he had been desperate.  God, is this how he died?  15 years old and in the middle of the cursed ocean.  Fucking hell.  He should have just let his uncle know he was alive when he had the chance, but instead he had hid, never wanting to go back to that horrid fortress.  But instead, he was just going to die here.  O well, what really was his life worth anyway, crippled leg from a botched escape with his brother when he was 11 and now, well now he was broken entirely.  He knew that the moment they got on that boat, but he had gone anyway.  

He was laying down, ready to die, when the water moved, waves hitting the boat harder than before.  He sat up and looked seeing a pirate vessel flying the black colors approaching.  He knew this was his only chance.  Kaz could die in this boat or he could try his best at getting on that boat.  He waved his arms, screaming at the top of his voice.  He thought they were just going to pass but then a rope ladder was dropped down the side as they pulled up next to him.  He scrambled up the ladder and dropped on the deck, panting.  

“Water…please…” he begged.  The men around him smiled, looking like they had found a present. One of the men handed him a cup and he drank before spitting out the burning drink.  Whiskey, not water.  The pirates laughed at him and he saw a few cabin boys standing by, looking fearful of him. No, not of him, for him.  Kaz realized that he may have escaped one prison and wound up in another.  The spirit of the sea witches clearly wanted revenge on his entire family.  Taking his parents before he could remember them wasn’t enough, claiming his brother wasn’t enough, now he was stuck here. Fine.  If the sea wanted a war, he would give it one.  

For the first six months of his time aboard the Crow he was a cabin boy, but just in name.  Truly he was whatever the other men wanted him to be.  He was relieved when they brought aboard women for a week or two when he could just be a normal cabin boy.  Unless the women liked him too.  He noticed the two other cabin boys clung to each other, Jesper and Wylan, keeping each other as safe as they could.  One of the crew, an honorable ex-navy captain named Matthias also tried his best to protect them.  He often would give sleeping drafts to the crew to give the boys a night to themselves, but even he could only do so much.  

Kaz waited, biding his time until the captain himself wanted a visit. Then he put the plan he had with Jesper, Wylan, and Matthias into action.  

         Matthias put the poison in the crews dinner, which they ate at 6PM before moving to do night work on the vessel.  They were all dead before 6:30.  The captain ate his dinner at 7PM so Wylan stayed in his cabin, distracting him by being a bumbling fool and getting a severe punishment for it.  Kaz would have felt bad but he didn’t know if he was capable of feeless anymore.  Jesper brought dinner to the captain and helped a bloody Wylan out of the cabin. Kaz slid in as they left and stood, watching the captain as he ate his meal.  

         “Come here boy, I want a better look at you, want to see what all the fuss among the crew is about,” he said.  Kaz swallowed the sick in his throat and approached, letting the captain touch him, roughly feeling his hands on him.  Then the coughing started and Kaz let out a breath of relief.  The captain clutched his throat as his airways closed and soon he was dead at Kaz’s feet.  

         With the help of the others Kaz had the crew overboard and they headed towards a port far from Argoes to gather a new crew using the money the captain had stashed in a vault in his office.  The four of them argued over who would be captain but Kaz won out, being the only one truly willing to kill for the title.  He decided that as soon as he got to port it was time to reinvent himself. Kaz Rietveld was no more.  It was time to take a new name and become something else.

[yougotthatbilly]

Question 35 for Dive? OC or Jaehyun!

por que no los dos?

backstory details:

oc- confident but still shy with interacting with new ppl so a lot of her friendships start with ppl talking to her first, hence why she never stepped to jae even tho she liked what she saw since introductions

she almost didn't go to johnny's when he said he'd smoke her out in return for her help in class bc she thought he was just tryna fuck but she didn't have a bad gut feeling so she went and made a new close friend

really giddy on the inside when jae asked for a shotgun but hid it well bc she'd be damned if she let a man know his affect on her so quickly

jae- oc is the first woman he's been interested in in like half a year. cliche, but he doesn't really care for women who throw themselves at him but he also doesn't go for women that have no interest in him. not a push and pull or chase kinda guy

he had his eye on oc since johnny brought her home and introduced them but as said in the fic, he's picky so he had to get a good feel of her and he liked her vibe so when he saw the opportunity to get close to her he took it.

asked johnny about her after first introduction but dismissed johnny's accusations of him being interested in her so quick, then asked again after shotgun and first kiss night and made sure johnny didn't like her or anything

& they have very similar personalities overall

[shatteredrabbit]

Some backstory stuff for Rabbit from the @ fazbear-ent-official rp!

Side note: The whole first person thing is mainly for the FazEnt roleplayers-

TW: verbal abuse, yelling

"So...what's your story?"

“My story? Really?”

You nod, staring down at the parking lot below the two of you.

“Why is there even a ladder up to the roof back here?” You think to yourself shortly after taking a garbage bag out to the dumpster in the back. Just towards the nearby alley way is a rusted ladder leading to the pizzeria’s rooftop. Out of sheer curiosity, you climb up, the metal squeaking under your weight.

Then you see her, Rabbit. You’ve never truly gotten a good look at her, since she’s typically cooped up in the kitchen. Now that you do see her, or at least her back, it does occur to you how tiny she really is. You always knew she was short, but on top of that she seems so thin. She wears that baggy jacket all day, but now that it’s tied around her waist and you can actually see her slim-fit uniform. She’s like a twig.

“What are you doing up here?” She suddenly spoke. You didn’t think she was aware of your presence.

“I could ask you the same thing,” You answer plainly.

“I just like it up here. And it’s a great place to watch the sunset, ya know?” Rabbit looked over her shoulder at you, the bunny ears on her beanie flopping along with her movement.

“Come. Sit with me.” She pats the space next to her, inviting you to join her. You walk over, shoes clopping against the roof. In a matter of moments, you’re sitting next to her, feet dangling over the edge of the building.

“So...what’s your story?” You ask after a few minutes of silence.

“My story, huh? It’s a long one, that’s for sure.”

“I have time.”

“If you insist…” Rabbit sighs, gazing out across the city, “But it’s not really a story… More like, several little ones. Moments that had a lot of impact on me, even ones that seem so...mundane.”

[May 5th, 2010]

“Momma! Momma! Look what I drew for you!!” Four-year-old Kaya excitedly held up a messily drawn picture of the family.

“That’s nice, Kaya.” her mother answered apathetically, eyes fixed on the television.

“But you didn’t even look at it!”

“I’m busy right now.”

“It’ll only take a second!” Kaya held it higher, standing on her toes to do so.

“Pretty please!” Kaya whined after there was no answer.

“Momma, look at it!!” Kaya stood in front of the TV, insisting her mother pay attention.

In one swift motion, her mother grabbed the drawing and tore it apart. She tossed the crumbled and tattered remains on the floor before pushing Kaya aside.

“B-but-!” Kaya’s eyes began to water.

“I’m. Busy.” Her mother hissed.

Kaya got back on her feet. She stared at her mother in horror, then down to her ruined drawing. She picked up what was left of it and raced back to her room, choking on her own tears.

[June 23, 2014]

“Happy birthday to me… Happy birthday to me… Happy birthday dear Kaya… Happy birthday to me…” Kaya sang half-heartedly. She was nine now, but it wasn’t anything special. Birthdays never were special.

She blew out the flame of the match she held. It was no cake, or cupcake for that matter, but it was something. Something to just prove she’d lived another year. She took a permanent marker and wrote “9” on the small space that was the wooden section of the match. She stored the match in an empty altoids container right next to the match from last year.

Thump thump thump!

“Come in.” Kaya sighed, putting the container in the top drawer of her nightstand and closing it.

“Hey shortstack,” her dad opened the door and poked his head in, “have you seen my lighter? I need a smoke but I can’t find it anywhere.”

“Sorry, no.”

“Damn. I keep losing those things.” He huffed and left, closing the door behind him.

“No clue why…” Kaya murmured to herself as she turned her attention to a solid grey pencil box sitting on her dresser.

That’s where she hid the lighters.

[November 26, 2018]

She gripped the thread in her teeth and tugged on it to tighten the stitching. She grabbed the two big green buttons sitting on her desk and positioned them on the yellow fabric. It was almost complete.

A few more stitches and it was all done. She held up the beanie, the pale yellow rabbit ears limply dangling at its sides. The green button eyes stared at her, accented by the rosy pink cheeks. She tugged the beanie over her messy brown hair and turned her attention to the mirror.

This. This felt right. This felt like her.

Rabbit.

[March 22nd, 2021]

“When are you going to get a job, you lazy little leech?” Her mother growled just as Rabbit stepped foot outside her bedroom. Rabbit clenched her fists and tried to walk past.

“If you don’t get a job this week you’re out of here!” Her mother blocked her path to the front door.

“I already have an interview, so shut the fuck up!!” Rabbit snapped, shoving past her mother and managing to get out the front door. Her mother lurched forwards to grab her by the hood of her coat, but missed. Without a second thought, Rabbit hopped on her scooter and raced down the sidewalk.

“I’m not missing another interview because of that fat ugly bitch!!” Rabbit cussed as she sped up, tears starting to form at the corners of her eyes. Luckily the place she applied to wasn’t too far from home...but that was also problematic. What if her parents just showed up to work unannounced? What would her boss think of their behavior?? Could they get her fired???

It wasn’t until someone shouted in surprise that Rabbit was brought out of her thoughts and into reality. She swerved and skidded to a halt, just inches away from hitting someone.

“Oh my gods, I’m so sorry!!” Rabbit apologized profusely, “I wasn’t looking cause I was so worried I’d be late to my interview and-”

“It’s quite alright Miss Mayanna, I actually came out here to keep an eye out for you. Let’s get that interview done, shall we?” A man with icy blue eyes smiled crookedly at her.

He pushed the front doors open, releasing a wave of cheap pizza smell, “Welcome to Freddy’s, Miss Mayanna.”

[river-bottom-nightmare]

[New draft]

I’m finally getting hitched Tying The Knot Official Words

Wedding Vows

by roy harper, putting the laughter in manslaughter since 1983

A couple years ago, you asked me why I loved you, and I said “I-I don’t know.” Except you weren’t really happy with that answer, I could tell, so I tried to put it into nicer words. I mean, I’ve loved a lot of people in my life, or at least I thought I did. Look how that turned out. And, you know, I kind of write them off when they leave me, or when I leave them, because obviously that means it couldn’t have been love in the first place. But then I know that’s a big fat fucking lie because I still remember all of them, still remember exactly how it felt to tumble head over heels. So maybe they reason they stayed with me forever, despite one of us leaving, has to do with them and not me? And I was about halfway through this awful explanation when Dick gave us a call, told us that dealer we were tracking had just put his dirty little hands in Bludhaven, so we went to go deal with that. 

Both of us were glad that conversation was over, and I’m pretty sure you forgot all about it. But I didn’t. I never forgot about it, and I realized I never really answered your question. So, here goes.

I mean, I thought I was so smart when you met me. Sure, I was at my absolute lowest. But I was 25 and reckless, and the heroin had me feeling like a real person for the first time, you know? A human being, with the kind of secrets a grown-up kept, telling the kind of lies grown-ups told. And I thought I loved the way grown-ups loved. Always on the move, always leaving. Because it was either leave or get left. And I thought that was love. And I thought that was a brilliant idea. I was all dark and tough and had this tragic backstory, and I thought I was fucking irresistible, but only for a night. I thought I was fucking irresistible for a night, and after that I wasn’t worth shit.  

Now, I’m looking back at 25 year old me and the only thought going through my head was, what an asshole. Just, everything about me was supremely dickish. But most of all, it was the way I treated relationships. Do you remember that time you, me, and Kori went to that carnival? And Kori won that strength competition and we got free cotton candy? And I just gorged myself on candy floss, man. I was worse that Wally used to be, back in the day. And then we went on all those carnival rides and I thought to myself, I’d be fine. I run around jumping off rooftops with grappling arrows, and I used to practice marital arts with Dick Grayson. Motion sickness doesn’t happen to me. And then like half an hour later I was puking my guts out and you stood there and laughed at me? That. That’s how I treated love. I gobbled up everything I could get, and it was way more than I could handle, and then I’d throw it all up and run away. 

I’m not 25 anymore, but it feels like I’m still running. Except I can’t get away with what I used to do, ‘cause Kori can hear my fucking heartbeat and you check my arms for track marks all the time and Dick bribed his way into being my second emergency contact after you. So I hide away in my room and sort of melt onto my sofa. But not the good melting, like the way I melt into your mouth like you snipped all my strings. The gross kind of melting where I’m curled up onto the couch and I just wanna hack all my hair off with a knife and it feels like my brain is leaking all over the sofa and I know you killed most of my old dealers but I wanna bring them back to life because just one more hit, I just need one more hit, and I wanna drink myself into a rage but you locked away all the alcohol with a bat-lock that even I can’t break. Figures. It’s funny. You’ll shoot yourself in the neck before you go to Bruce for anything, but if it’s for me, you’ll swallow your pride in a second and get whatever the hell you need. 

I guess I’m just scared. I’m scared that I’m imaginary. I’m scared I’ll always end up reinventing myself every day to spare other people the trouble of having to do that for me. That what I want everyone to see always takes precedent to who I really am. I’m scared that I’ve finally lost it, that I’m crazy, that I’ve finally gone mad. But I’m even more scared that I’m perfectly sane. Because if I’m sane, then what excuse do I have? What excuse do I have for treating people the way I do, like they’re problems that I have to solve or explain or else I’ll just fall behind everyone else.

And that’s where you come in. Fuck, Jay. That’s, that’s when you came in.

I tried to word vomit that last part to you one night when you thought I was drunk and I thought you were drunk but neither of us had had a drop, and we hid behind the curtain of alcohol to have a heart to heart. And you told me people don’t have to be solved or explained. We’re all just ghost stories, and maybe we should just try to stay that way. Because we spend our days doing wonderful things, horrible things, and sometimes there’s no reason behind it. Or, wait, fuck, no. There is a reason. But that reason’s too simple and too straightforward to really be satisfying, you know? And then we keep forgetting the lesson that we learned and re-mystifying these problems that we already solved because deep down we don’t actually want to figure out why we love each other but hurt each other and-

Fuck. Sorry, Jaybird. This was supposed to be a simple answer to a simple question.

I think. Um. No, I don’t think. I know. I know I love you because I have to.

There’s no “why” about it. Any more than there’s a reason why Kori loves the dew drops that gather in the morning grass, or why that old hag in the apartment next to us can’t keep a plant alive for the life of her. I mean, I guess there is a reason. There’s always a reason, there’s always a “why.” I don’t really understand it, though. And you know how much that bothers me, you gotta know how much I hate that. Maybe if I dug around in myself for a bit, really thought some stuff through, talked to some people I thought I was done talking to, I’d figure it out. I’d figure out where all this love comes from. What it’s for.

But then the question would be answered. Why do I love you? Boom, I’d have an explanation. The ghost story would be over. And there’s really no point in telling a ghost story that has an ending, all nice and neat and wrapped up in a little package.

Right now, I think I’m finally at a place where I can just let it be. It’s just you and me. Me sleeping ‘till noon, then waking up to see you in my kitchen, looking like a fucking greek god reincarnated, a smile on your face that I don’t think anyone else but me gets to see, flipping an omelette with the same ease and grace that you flip knives. Me in fiddling with a couple spare parts, adding on to my arrows, and you either sliding up behind me, wrapping your arms around my waist and whispering in my ear how good I look in this old tank top or you throwing a greasy rag at my face and laughing at how it messed up the bun I had my hair put up in and telling me to wash up, dinner’s in 10. The two of us crowding around a set of blueprints, scheming and figuring out how to best hurt this one greedy asshole and send him down the highway to hell. And you honestly know all my secrets, all the dark thoughts I had when I was doped up and hating the world and everyone in it. And I’m the only one who knows what really happened in that funky green goo you call a Lazarus Pit, I’m the only one who knows what you went through under the League. The fact that we don’t have any secrets gives me this feeling in my chest, it’s warm and golden and sorta like how you feel with Dick Grayson smiles at you, except this time I think I caused it.

I just hope to god I’m right when I say “I love you.”

‘Cause I do. Jason. I love you. I just, fuck. I like being around you. And for the first time in a long while, I don’t think I’m going anywhere.

Fuck. That was stupid. This barely even made sense anyway. 

[Are you sure you want to delete this document?]

[Document deleted]

[New draft]

Wedding Vows.

From Roy Harper. To Jason Todd. 

I was trying something new with this and I have no idea whether it worked or not but oh well here it is.

[stephkaylor]

FAVES & FAILS: #1 (Teen Wolf)

I’ve decided to do this questionnaire when a show/book series/movies where I answer these questions with fun gifs too (its Tumblr, what did you expect?), if you want more info, the original idea post with links to each of my completed lists is here ⚡️. A bunch of my faves have already ended so getting all of these out will take a minute, but I’m aiming to post a new one twice per week. 🤞🏻Anyway, enjoy!! OH!! ALSO, I’ll be discussing plot elements in this list so...SPOILER ALERT!!

TV Show FAVES and FAILS: TEEN WOLF

FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER: STILES STILINSKI

HANDS DOWN, no question about it! He was the soul of the show, and funny, and so incredibly human on a show full of the inhuman, and that was what made him so integral.  Anyway, I could go on forever about how much I love Stiles, but here’s a gif:

LEAST FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER: GERARD ARGENT

There isn’t really a male that makes me want to punch something, so good for the writers, I guess?

FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER: LYDIA MARTIN

I really want to say Allison but it HAS to be Lydia, hands down! Her character development from a girl pretending to be vapid and shallow and who hid her genius so she could “fit in”, to a strong, powerful, confident woman secure in who she really is and the power inside of her (figuratively AND literally, lol), this girl is the real MVP.

LEAST FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER: MONROE

This was hard because there are several female characters that made me want to throw my laptop out of the window.  The short list is Kate Argent, Allison’s mom... I could go on... but Monroe’s systematic attempt to wipe all supernaturals out of Beacon Hills and then maybe the rest of the world gave me fucking high blood pressure and a rage issue. I don't care how “scared” you are, killing a kid who hasn't done anything wrong just because they are different than you is some fucked up, borderline genocidal bullshit. And she survived the finale!!? Like I had to deal with her self-righteous smirky attitude and you didn't even have the decency to punch her in the face and let me watch?!? Rude.

THE CHARACTER THAT DESERVED BETTER: Aiden (and kind of Ethan)

I badly want to say Allison again here because I love and miss her tons. But she died protecting her family and friends and I believe that she is happy wherever she went afterward.  Watching Aiden die in his twin brother’s arms I don’t know who I felt the worst for.  The boy dying, or his brother who now has to live without him... I’m gonna go cry now, brb.

THE DEADWEIGHT CHARACTER WE SHOULD’VE DUMPED IN 2009: Kate Argent

Luckily she was not a regularly appearing character, but when she showed up it was always “for revenge” and I'm like...can we just...not this season? I was having a lovely time and then you showed up with your petty anger for whatever fucking shit that happened in, like season one.  Like, honey... if it’s been so long since you’ve been relevant that I have to google what you’re upset about because I have honestly forgotten...maybe it’s time to let that shit go.  Kindly fuck off now, please...

OVERHYPED CHARACTER: Derek Hale

Like, don’t get me wrong, he’s great and I loved when he was on the show, but I feel like some people think he carried the show and it wouldn't survive without him.  Well, surprise! because he went away after season 4 and I still think some of their best shit came in season 5 and the beginning of season 6.  

UNDERHYPED CHARACTER: Deaton

Um, he was basically Scott’s druid emissary and he got no recognition for it.  He saved all of the main pack members’ lives at least once.  Also he didn't make Stiles pay for the windows, so he’s apparently not an asshole. 

OVERHYPED SHIP: Scott and Malia

I feel like they had to adjust the final season A TON because of Dylan’s injury and Kira not coming back and I think the writers panicked when they didn't know who to put Scott with (because our leading man could never not have a girlfriend, *gasp* THE HORROR!) because Lydia needed to be with Stiles and I think they picked Malia because she was basically the only one left...I was never into it.  In fact, when my friend texted me after we watched the episode where they get together, my response back to her was literally “meh 🤷🏻‍♀️”.

UNDERHYPED SHIP: Allison and Isaac

It would’ve been so nice to see where that relationship went.  Don’t get me wrong, had she lived, I would’ve wanted Allison to end up with Scott.  But I loved that the show was willing to say that it is okay to fall in love more than once in your life.  Sometimes the shows aimed at a younger audience have a tendency to act like your first love has to be the one you’re with until you die and that’s just not realistic. It was nice that the writers didn't box these characters into that mold because it gave them more depth as characters. 

FAVORITE SHIP: Stiles and Lydia

I don’t know how to explain how much I love this pairing.  Like, from the beginning he saw her for how amazing she was and he supported her as she came into her powers and then she was always there making sure that someone was taking care of him when he was taking care of, literally, everyone else, and then when he disappeared SHE KNEW something was wrong nearly instantly, and ‘remeMBER I LOVE YOU’ I need to stop before this run-on sentence goes on forever.  ALSO they’re canon official, which never fucking happens for my ships so I’m fucking excited, sue me.

FAVORITE VILLAIN: Deucalion

His backstory was well-developed and deep, he was clear with his goals, he actually executed said goals in a logical and timely manner, he was a fucking ALPHA OF ALPHAS, nuf said. 

MOST HEARTBREAKING MOMENT: Allison’s Death

Hands down, the most heartbreaking moment on the show, and I will fight anyone who comes at me with a different opinion. Because like--she was smiling when she was stabbed because she had figured out a way to help her friends and then she died in Scott’s arms and told him she loved him even though they weren’t together she still loved him and he still loved her, and I truly believe that she had zero regrets when she died, and how bittersweet is that???!  But Scott couldn't take her pain because it didn’t hurt anymore, and Lydia had to feel her best friend die and she screamed Allison’s name and if you are not hurting right now are you a monster???!?!

FAVORITE STORYLINE: Eichen House Escape/Dread Doctors in Season 5

It was hard to pick between the Dark Druid storyline in season 3A, but the Eichen rescue/Lydia learning how to be a BAMF Banshee from Meredith while she was catatonic (ALSO ‘Stiles saved me’ I AM DEAD!!!), and the whole la bête du gévaudan thing was great, and reuniting the pack after Theo had royally fucked it up earlier that season, it was all just superb! *chef’s kiss*

STORYLINE WE COULD’VE DONE WITHOUT: Like, the whole second half of the last season, TBH

It was a petty, counterintuitive, and just garbage. The monster was dumb, Monroe is a royal twat (as I stated above), and it didn't have a conclusion.  Like, the fuck? This isn't Game of Fucking Thrones you guys do not need to leave every season finale with so many loose ends it make people want to throw their laptops off of a cliff into a vat of hydrochloric acid.  And it was the LAST SEASON so there’s no hope of fixing this bullshit storyline. ugh, kill me now. 

BIGGEST PLOTHOLE: Scott’s pretty selective “True Alpha” powers

They, like, kind of tried to pass it off as it taking a ton of energy so he can’t always do it all the time.  But he got through a mountain ash barrier to save Deaton and activated his True Alpha but then couldn't get into Eichen to get Lydia out because of the mountain ash...? oh and also where the fuck did Cora and Isaac go? (I, sincerely, hope he’s not still just chinning in fucking France wondering were Argent fucked off to)

OVERALL MARKS OUT OF TEN (10 being that watching this show has probably increased your life’s worth by at least five percent; 1 being the only thing this show has given me is a stomach ulcer and trust issues): 

8.75 out of 10.  This show was a blessing and I would definitely recommend it to other people. (mostly because I love to get people hooked on my favorite shows and then they're stuck and we can be tortured together). 

THE END! Thanks for reading my overly-long and overly-obsessive list.  Do come again soon.  I’ll probably have another of these up next week.  🤍🤍🤍

[allmycrushesaredead]

So me and a group of friends made mechsonas and I wanted to share mine!

Btw, these are picrews i found, not my own work

Name: 火花 影 (Hibana Kage) 

Nicknames: Sparky 

Gender: FUCK 

Pronouns: Fae/faer 

 Age at mechanization: around 26 

Tol or Smol: Around average height? I'm gonna say about 5'5 ish 

Looks: Pale skin. Glowing eyes that change color depending on faer mood, bright blue, curly hair that's cut short in a bob cut. Faer mechanism is the neck, and there are glowing bloodstains below the area. Fae generally wears all black, close fitting clothes that are easy to move around in. 

Personality: Fae may be on the smaller side, but fae will fight you if you're a threat to faer friends or faerself. Very quiet due to past trauma, doesn’t trust easily.

Backstory: Hibana is from the planet 星の花 (Hoshi no hana), or Flower of the Stars. It abounds in vibrant colors and neon lights. Hibana was a doctor before the cyborgs decided to wreak havoc on faer city. All of faer family was killed and fae was left alone. Still fae continued to work in the streets, trying to help anyone who needed it. This meant that fae helped both sides. Although fae held resentment towards the cyborg gangs, fae wouldn't let that get in the way of faer work. Everything was going relatively well until a gang decided to snatch Hibana and take faer to their headquarters to try and fix up a very hurt leader of the gang. When fae told them fae wouldn't be able to fix the damage done, they slit faer neck, leaving faer for dead. 

Extras: Fae is a polyamorous asexual lesbian :)

I also really pieced together faer story and I’ll post it below the cut! Warning tho, its kinda graphic and traumatizing, but I’m proud of it and wanted to show it off!!

Hibana hates technology. 

When fae was seven, the Dākusutā killed faer mom and dad. The Dākusutā was a notorious gang on Hoshi no hana, with connections in the government and nearly every aspect of society. They mainly worked with cyber threats, but kept up a very intimidating physical presence and weren’t afraid of resorting to violence to get things done. 

Hibana’s parents worked as moles, ratting out the most influential people who worked with the gangs. The few respectable government officials left in power would make sure that they got that person removed from power somehow. 

However, as more and more people connected to the Dākusutā kept getting removed from office, the Dākusutā started to get suspicious. When they started targeting the people responsible for removing officials from power, and more and more officials wound up dead, Hibana’s family started to get worried. They went into hiding, moving from place to place when the Dākusutā got too close. And it worked, at least for a while. But they got complacent. The had eluded discovery for a year and a half, and it started to feel like they never would be found. It had been three months since the last move, and the family had fallen into the happy pattern of a simple life.

By the time they finally caught wind of the Dākusutā’s plans, it was already too late. They were already surrounded. With the Dākusutā banging down the door, they hid Hibana, warning faer not to make a sound and to stay hidden until it was safe to come out. So, fae did. Fae cowered in that cold, dark place, sobbing silently. Fae was forced to listen as faer parents begged the Dākusutā to let them live… Fae listened to them die screaming. And the Dākusutā weren’t merciful. They dragged out every last second, executing Hibana’s parents with sadistic pleasure. It went on for hours. Hours went by as Hibana tried to block out the agonizing screams of faer parents. Fae wasn’t naive either. Fae was young, but had seen enough in faer seven short years to know exactly what was happening to faer parents, and fae knew there was nothing fae could do about it. 

Fae felt so utterly helpless. But, fae did what fae knew fae had some control over. Fae stayed hidden and stayed quiet. After faer parents finally went silent, fae didn’t dare move. Fae knew someone could be staying behind to make sure no one came out of hiding when they thought no one was there. Sure enough, another hour went by before fae heard a pair of footsteps shuffle out the door, leaving the house silent. Still, fae didn’t dare move. Another hour went by before fae dared to leave the safe space, heart pounding and tears streaming silently down faer face. 

 No one was waiting for faer when fae walked into the main room. At least, no one alive. Hibana’s parents were in the living room. What was left of them, rather. Fae stared in shock, shaking violently. But fae couldn’t stay and grieve. It wasn’t safe. Fae just ran, a pair of child-sized bloody footprints trailing behind faer. 

Hibana went to the only place fae could think to go: the library. Libraries were practically unheard of on Hoshi no hana, and the few that did remain were viewed as so archaic that no one ever went. But in the few months fae had been in the area, that had become faer sanctuary. Hidden away in the dusty books, fae could escape for hours, lost in distant lands. Fae could be anything, do anything, know anything. All the information fae could ever want was right at faer fingertips. 

So, it wasn’t a huge surprise when fae found faerself at the steps to the library. Hands shaking, fae pushed the doors open, closing it quietly behind faer. 

Silent footsteps padding through the aisles, fae made faer way to the nest of sorts fae had made for faerself. There were a couple of blankets, pillows, and a battered old stuffed toy that fae had brought faerself, but the majority of it was from the librarian, a middle-aged woman named Karui Kibō who looked much older than she was. She was a kindly, sweet tempered lady who always made sure Hibana had enough things for faer nest and food for when fae stayed there for extended periods of time. But she knew not to disturb faer sanctuary and understood it at a personal level. For several weeks, she merely gave a soft smile that crinkled around her eyes, nodding lightly as Hibana walked in. After a few weeks, she would make some small talk, and after two full months, they would end up talking for hours about their favorite books, favorite places, and dreams for the future. Fae even confided in Karui, revealing that fae wanted to become a doctor. It was practically unheard of that someone would study to become a doctor. They had technology that could do that now, AI that could do the job better than anyone could have before. But Hibana was determined. And so, Karui made sure fae could learn to be a doctor. She started to bring books about medicine that fae could understand, making a stack next to faer nest. 

It was now, as Hibana walked slowly over to faer nest that fae saw the growing mound of books. Normally, fae would have rushed to open one and dive straight into the wonderful information it contained. Instead, fae just curled into faer nest, faer shoes sticky with half-dried blood. Fae stared numbly at the bright clashing colors, their vibrant hues sickening. Fae suddenly wrenched them off, chucking them away from faer with a silent sob. Aside from the crash the shoes made colliding with something in the distance, fae didn’t make a sound. Even when Karui found faer, realized what had happened, and had cleaned faer up, fae didn’t make a sound. Fae changed faer clothes, donning the muted greys and browns of the clothing Karui had made for faer and sat silently, staring blankly into space. It was weeks before Hibana spoke again, and moths before fae could hold a conversation. Fae slowly opened up, falling into the pattern of reading, studying, and spending time with Karui. 

Years went by, and the two only grew closer. It was twelve years later when Karui started to get sick, her age finally catching up with her. She knew her time was coming and she was ready. Unlike most on Hoshi no hana, she didn’t fear death. Rather than placing her life into the hands of technology, being programmed and gaining a sort of immortality through technology, she embraced the inevitability of death.

When her time finally did come, she went peacefully. Hibana grieved, of course, but fae knew Karui was at peace. It was then that Hibana vowed fae would never be immortalized as code, living on as programming. Fae would die one day and finally attain that peace. Until then, fae wanted to help people, to ease their suffering. Fae practiced as a doctor, treating those who couldn’t afford or didn’t trust the AI. Fae finally felt fae had a purpose in life. Fae helped anyone in need… even the very people who killed faer parents. And everything was fine… until it wasn’t. 

A few years after Karui passed, Hibana was approached by a member of Dākusutā who demanded that fae come with them. Leading faer to a secluded area, they showed faer the leader of the Dākusutā, bleeding out and quickly losing a lot of blood. They demanded that fae heal him, pulling out a wickedly sharp knife to threaten faer with. Still, Hibana kept faer cool, hands steady as fae attempted to find the origin of the bleed to get it under control. But fae couldn’t find any wounds. The man bleeding out without a single wound fae could see on his body. Unsure of what to do, fae tried to compress the skin, stop the bleeding. It was impossible. The man’s skin simply oozed blood in any place fae wasn’t compressing, and bled through the bandages when she held them to the skin.

It was then that fae realized fae couldn’t save him. The other gang members must have realized as well, because the person with the knife now pressed the blade to Hibana’s neck, blood beading where the sharp metal pierced the skin. They demanded that fae heal him, or that they would kill faer. Fae tried to explain that there was nothing fae could do, but they just pressed the blade harder. Fae closed faer eyes, vowing fae would die silently. Fae wouldn’t beg for mercy, wouldn’t cry out. Fae was ready. 

When the gang member let out a harsh cry and Hibana felt the blade slit open faer throat, fae felt a small smile pass over faer face. It was time. It felt like the cruelest joke the universe had ever played on anyone when fae was given faer mechanism. Fae never wanted to live, fae was ready to go, and yet was forced to live on, immortal, and trapped. 

 That’s why fae refused to trust faer shipmates. Fae occasionally found faerself caring for the others, only for some minor altercation to happen that shattered faer fragile trust. Fae still cared for the others, but fae sure as hell wasn’t going to suffer for it. So, most days fae hid up in faer quarters, packing the shelves with books and building faer nest, hiding away in comfortable solitude. Fae still helped the others when asked with the tech issues, as fae was probably the most knowledgeable in the area, but fae despised every second of it. 

Fae also hid to not show faer weakness. The smallest things could trigger a panic response, leaving faer frozen in flashbacks, never sure what around faer was real. Simple words or phrases would leave faer grabbing at faer throat, clutching that blasted thing that forced fae to live, nails ripping at it in a pointless attempt to make it all stop. 

But fae never told anyone, so it was easier to just hide in faer nest, safe behind this mask of an uncaring persona. Fae would do anything for faer shipmates, but fae never let faerself get close. It just wasn’t worth the risk.

For reference, the gang is ダークスター (Dākusutā) which roughly translates to dark star and the librarian is 軽い希望 (Karui kibō) that means light of hope,or light hope, but the idea of a light of hope sorta thing

If i remember right, Hibana’s name meant shimmer in darkness.

more info!! 

just so yall know, hibana's natural hair and eye colors are blue, so its not that fae dyes it or somethin, fae doesnt have control over it. basically fae doesnt wear bright colors because it reminds faer of faer planet, but fae cant change the fact that faer hair and eyes are colorful, at least not without putting in tons of effort that fae doesnt want to put in to change it

also since faer veins are faer mechanism, faer blood (or ig what you could consider faer blood) actually shimmers and sorta glows like the mechanism on faer neck. so, theoretically, if fae were to blush, fae would basically glow like blues and purples. theoretically. also theoretically, if you were to look closely at faer in the dark, fae almost shimmers a little bit, but very faintly. the most noticable thing you see in the dark is the fact that faer eyes glow, but very coldly, and if fae makes eye contact with you, you probably wont be very calm, you'll probably start freaking the fuck out. its kinda creepy

[zombolouge]

⭐⭐⭐!! I'm behind on catching up with Indefensible (bc I am also in the US and have been Big Overwhelmed too, so sending positive mental health vibes your way as well), so I will leave it to you to pick a part of a fic that you are most dying to discuss!

AH bb take your time catching up, there’s no rush!! It will still be there whenever you’re ready <3 I will send some positive mental health vibes right back at you, lord knows all of us in the US really need them lol 

Okay, so my pick for this...hmmm, why don’t we talk about TRAUMA. I’ve had a lot of people comment about how I handle everyone’s trauma in the series, so I figure that’s a solid point of interest :)

I knew I was going to be writing this fic before I had actually played all the games, which gave me a bit of an advantage from a writing perspective because I actually took a HUGE amount of notes while I played. The most important of these notes were pages that I called “Lists of Trauma”. And I had one for every character. I would set them up every time I saw something in the games that would have been potentially traumatic, including backstory stuff that came to light. Then I’d write down what the trauma was, when it occurred, and how I felt it would affect them (both immediately and long term). 

Pretty much everybody gets that Miles Edgeworth is traumatized. The game does a decent job of showing some of that, by giving him PTSD and mentioning his fear of elevators, using his recurring nightmares as a plot point, etc. But Miles is by FAR not the only one in the series traumatized. Pretty much every case is enough to send someone to therapy for a hell of a long time, but it’s not always highlighted as much as Miles, and I think it’s easy to brush everyone else’s trauma under the rug because their coping methods were a little more understated. I do think the evidence is there in the games, but it’s not obvious (Capcom puts a lot more subtlety in there than I initially would have expected. Either that or I’m adding subtext on my own and giving them too much credit. EITHER WAY, it did give me a lot to study and pick apart.)

One of the biggest themes in my writing is addressing and processing trauma (lol can you tell I have trauma I have worked on processing? hahaha). I tend to lean towards doing it in healthy and productive ways, as well, so I was HYPERFOCUSED on all the events happening to each individual character. By the end of the canon storylines, I had a pretty solid idea of what people still needed to work through and how things were holding them back, which is honestly how I arrived at some of the plotlines I did. They’re all engineered to be ways to push the characters where they need to be in order to heal. Or at least to grow (full healing is gonna take decades and y’all I can’t be writing this for the rest of my life haha)

In some cases, like with Phoenix and Miles and their relationship, I knew that it was going to involve a massive breaking point to get them anywhere. It’s been decades in game-time and they haven’t taken very many steps forward, which tells me that repression is so ingrained you basically have to make them completely snap and land in a place of “nothing left to lose” before they’d take any more steps. Hence the remote location and the cold temperatures and them working together and the closet scene and the hot tub scene and the spit-take scene and the obvious trap and...etc. Really had to slam their damn heads together repeatedly for this one. 

But their trauma, while being some of the most obvious, wasn’t the only kind I wanted to address. Like, seeing everything play out with Apollo and Dhurke, I just kept thinking how fuckin badly that would mess someone up, and that isn’t even considering what he’d gone through BEFORE that (former boss was a murderer, and the ways he found out weren’t the softest. Best friend murdered, and the circumstances around it ended up with him getting physically injured TWICE. There’s a lot going on with that poor boy.) And Maya, who is forever cheery in the games, always struck me as someone who hid any negative emotions at all costs, and holy shit she has to have a few. She’s been accused of murder, manipulated by family, her sister was murdered, she had to raise her cousin from a young age, she’s been kidnapped MULTIPLE TIMES, had her body taken over by someone that DEFINITELY wanted to kill her and her best friend. On top of that, the first games make it pretty clear she has some inferiority issues, and alllll those traumatic situations would have only fed into it. I think she got really good at covering that up rather than really good at feeling confident. 

Pretty much all the characters got trauma’d at one point or another, and the timeline over the span of canon basically meant that nobody ever had much time to recover before some other bullshit was happening. It’s why many of the characters in Indefensible, sometimes more than once, have opined about it being neverending or how they were losing hope that they’d ever have a whole year that was just normal. 

I’ve included so many scenes where they are just breaking down and talking about feelings, because holy fuck they all need to. lol It’s also why I ended up jumping on the FranMaya bandwagon so hard because the way that the pair of them are traumatized and how they handle it is very complementary to each other. I think they’re both able to pull the dark out and soothe it within one another, keep each other from overthinking things, and provide a sudden rock to lean on when things get difficult again. If they didn’t have each other, I think the second half of Indefensible wouldn’t work as well, because Franziska absolutely would have snapped irreparably. But, uh, that won’t make as much sense until later. ;)

Anyways, this was long and rambly and I could probably make a separate post about each individual character’s trauma and how the fic is designed to shine a spotlight on it and get them to start processing it. I THINK ABOUT THIS STUFF A LOT, OKAY? 

Link to the fic if anybody needs it: Indefensible 

[summerpogue]

‘Paradise on Earth’ // Part Two

part two!! next part will be around the pilot, so we’ll be gettin’ into the action! I just wanted to build a lil backstory for reader first. I hope you enjoy! let me know if you want to be added to the taglist for this! Posting late, this hasn’t been edited yet!

Word Count: 2k+

Warnings: smoking, drinking, I can’t remember for sure but there’s prob cursing

part one

Gif Credit: @rudypankows​

Music flowed through the Chateau as Y/N sauntered out of the spare room, aka JJ’s room, towel drying her hair and subtly dancing along to the melodies of Hozier. She was currently decked out in JJ’s hoodie and board shorts as she stood in the living room and admired what she’d done. Having snuck over just past the asscrack of dawn after JJ and John B headed their separate ways for work, she got to work herself giving the Chateau a major facelift that included a deep cleaning, some new throw pillows, and a freshly stocked kitchen. She’d managed to finish with enough time to give herself a shower, washing away all the sweat and grime she’d accumulated over the course of revamping the disgusting bachelor pad. Her phone chimed with a text from John B just as she opened the front door for the pizza guy. 

‘Leaving figure 8 want me to get u?’

‘I’m actually out right now, meet you there?’

‘Sounds good 👍🏼’

She set the pizza boxes on the counter and gave the place a final look over as she sat on the edge of the couch to wait, but she began to grow impatient. Her left knee bounced erratically as she checked her watch every two minutes. She stood with a huff, walking to the kitchen and grabbing a slice, deciding not to wait for them anymore, and just as she took the first bite John B threw the front door open.

“Damn, how did you beat me?” He asked, head down as he came through the door and he let out a soft gasp when his eyes lifted from the doorknob, “oh my god, you did not.” He said, eyes scanning the room in amazement as he saw the place the cleanest it had ever been.

“I did! Welcome to your clean home!” She said in between bites, and she set her slice down as John B crossed the room and wrapped her in a bear hug. Pope and Kie were only seconds behind, muttering ‘holy shit’ in unison. John B kept an arm around her waist as he pulled away.

“I can’t even believe you did this, this is so nice.” He said and a grin overtook her features. 

“I wanted to John B, I want you and JJ to be taken care of.” She leaned up and pressed a kiss to his cheek and stepped past him to open the cabinet under the sink, “but you see this? These are all the new cleaning supplies I bought you, there are sticky notes on everything telling you how to use it, what to use it on, and how often. Please for the love of god utilize it because I saw some shit in here that will haunt my nightmares for the foreseeable future.”

He chuckled and put a hand on the back of his neck, “yeah, it was pretty bad wasn’t it?”

“What was pretty bad?” JJ asked, walking through the front door, “holy shit.”

“That’s what I said,” Pope replied. 

“Who did this, Y/N?” Everyone nodded and he crossed the room to give her a high five, “what the fuck, you’re so nice.” She let out a loud laugh.

“That’s the JJ version of ‘thank you’, I’m pretty sure,” Kie said, and as everyone laughed Y/N encouraged them to grab a slice. They migrated to the front porch food in hand, and before long they were down in the yard huddled around the fire-pit as the crickets sounded in the distance. Hues of red and orange illuminated each of their faces and their laughter echoed through the yard as Y/N effortlessly plucked the strings of her guitar delicately in the background. She smiled at JJ who was rolling a joint and he looked up at her, cheeks flushing when he noticed her gaze was already on him.

“What?” He asked, tongue flicking over the seam of the joint.

“Just checking your progress on that joint.” She smirked, and he chuckled before sticking it between his lips and lighting it.

“Just when I thought JJ smoked a lot of weed you came along and proved me wrong.” Pope said, eliciting a giggle from Y/N as she put her guitar down and accepted the joint from JJ, “and you’re so much more productive than him it doesn’t make sense.” She really laughed now, smoke puffing out of her nose at the unexpected jab at JJ.

“It’s the LA lifestyle, man.” She said, taking another hit, throwing on a cheesy grin and as Kie pointed a camera at her. This was life in the Outer Banks, and she loved it way more than she thought she would. Having come from such a vibrant and flowing city it was hard to adjust to the laid back pace of OBX, the friendly vibe throughout town where everyone knew everyone. She’d always secretly looked down on small-town life. When her dad moved she couldn’t even begin to wrap her mind around why he’d left but in the short six weeks she’d been here, she now knew all too well. The joint was gone as quick as it had been procured, having been shared between her, JJ and Kie and as Y/N laid against the cool ground she couldn’t help but smile as JJ followed. The two of them laid shoulder to shoulder looking up at the crystal clear sky, occasionally pitching into the conversation between their friends. 

“Hey… I know I didn’t properly say it earlier but, thank you for what you did today.” He said softly, tilting his head towards her slightly.

“What did I- oh! That,” the day had been so long that mixed with the beer and weed she’d honestly forgotten what her morning had entailed, “seriously it’s no big, I’m happy to do it.” She laid a hand on top of his, which were folded on his chest.

“I know, it’s just… you don’t have to take care of us, but I’m kind of glad you are, despite how damaging it is to my ego.”

“If it helps you can think of it as benefiting from the Kook lifestyle that’s shit on you for so many years?” She asked and everyone laughed out loud, she hadn’t realized the other three were tuned into their conversation.

“She makes a good point, JJ.” John B said, and they both sat up, “but that doesn’t mean we’ll ever stop being grateful.” 

“You wanna know how you guys can thank me?” She asked, and they both nodded their heads, “can I crash here tonight? I’m too tired and buzzed to drive at the moment.”

“Oh, yeah. You can crash here whenever you want, you don’t have to ask.” John B said almost dismissively as if he was amused by her simple request. As if on cue she was wracked with a massive yawn that she tried to hide by burying her face in her sweater paws.

“I’m pretty sure that was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen,” Kie said, snapping another picture of her and somewhere in the back of her sleepy mind she thought about how grateful she was to have friends that photographed everything not for their Instagrams but for each other, so they would always remember these summer nights.

“Yeah, same.” Pope agreed, the two of them were looking at her like she was a puppy and she giggled as she hid her face again.

“Come on, sleepy one. I’ll help you to bed.” JJ said, standing and holding his hands out to her. She stood and waved her hand and the mess they’d left, making a mental note to deal with it in the morning and bid goodnight to everyone. 

“He’s so whipped already,” Pope whispered and everyone started snickering. Y/N was too tired to have heard, and if she had she wouldn’t have been able to process it anyway, but JJ heard loud and clear and flipped them the bird over his shoulder. His hand guided her by the small of her back as they walked through the house and after sending her down the hallway he grabbed her a glass of water from the kitchen. Her footsteps were practically shuffles as she approached JJ’s bed and kicked her shoes off. She threw the blankets back and crawled in, tugging the blankets on as she tried to cocoon herself in comfort. JJ entered the room and chuckled as he saw her, and she sat right back up with a soft smile when she saw him.

“Thank you,” she said before taking a sip and as she set the glass on the nightstand she watched JJ fidget awkwardly through her heavy lids.

“Alright, well I’ll leave you-”

“Stay with me?” She interrupted, patting the mattress beside her.

“Oh, it’s okay… you don’t have to- I don’t mind sleeping on the couch.”

“JJ.” She said, looking at him deadpan as she lifted the covers, “it’s just two friends sharing a bed.” She said and she smiled as he slid in next to her, “plus, I really hate sleeping alone.” They settled in, and for the first time in a long time, JJ felt nervous. It wasn’t the first time he’d had a beautiful girl next to him in bed, but it was the first time he’d had Y/N in his bed and it felt… right. 

“I’ll deny it if you say anything, but… me too.” He lifted his arm and she immediately snuggled into his chest, exhaling as she relaxed against him. “You’re pretty amazing, you know that?”

She sighed dramatically, “yeah, it’s about time you mention it.” She giggled, “don’t get all sappy on me now, JJ.”

“I’m not, I’m not.” He playfully swatted the arm that was draped across him, “so, check-in. How you likin’ Pogue Life?”

“I love it, I feel… I don’t know, free? I guess I’ve never really known what real friends feel like. I’ve only known you guys for a couple of weeks, but like... I’d definitely hide some bodies for you guys.” She joked, “every time I came to visit my dad I thought this place was Boringville, USA, but I guess I never really explored past Figure 8.”

“Most Kooks don’t, don’t feel bad for overlooking the splendors of the Cut.”

“I’m pretty sure this is the most comfortable I’ve ever been.” If she was a cat, she was certain she’d be purring and JJ looked down at her, taking in her lopsided smile and closed eyes.

“How stoned are you?”

“10.” He shook his head and laughed, “maybe 11.” 

“Stoned enough to forget Pogue rules?” He asked, half-teasing as his fingers began tickling her sides and she squealed as she tried to turn away from him. Her laughter was filling the room and flowing out the open window into the humid night as she tried her hardest to fight off his attacks.

Outside the three shared a look and John B took a sip of his beer with raised eyebrows, “well, at least they’re not fucking?” 

“At least I hope not,” Pope said with a grimace as another bought of laughter floated through the breeze, and Kie downed the rest of her beer before turning the music up a little to offset the sound coming from the back of the house. 

JJ finally relented, giving her a chance to catch her breath as she wiped the tears that were streaming down her cheeks from laughing. She turned her body away from him, pretending to be upset and he chuckled as he pressed against her, laughing again when her body jerked feeling his arm move over her waist, bracing for another onslaught of torture.

“I come in peace.” He whispered and she relaxed against him. 

“You’re evil.” She muttered, eyes drifting closed as sleep began to tug at her mind.

“You’re exhausted, get some sleep.” She took a deep breath, exhaling as she snuggled back against him, her hand finding his under the covers. 

“You get some sleep.” She said, trying to be sharp and teasing but the words came out slurred and raspy as she fought for the last shreds of consciousness.

“I will, just as soon as you do, sweetheart.”

She hummed, “alright. Goodnight, JJ.”

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

--

[emprcsario]

🌙 — ALL ABOARD ! The HMS PROMETHEAN welcomes ( KANE KEANE ) to the expedition in their capacity of ( THE EMPRESARIO ). They are ( 33 & cis man ) and might be painted as ( LEWIS TAN ). When you strike up an acquaintance, address them as ( he/him ). Their deeds on land precede their arrival — people say they are ( resourceful, charismatic, clever  ) but ( greedy, impulsive, selfish ) when the tide turns. Their purpose aboard the Promethean falls in line with ( taking his cut before england does. the arctic ocean smells like money and he’s collecting the riches before anyone else can ). 

stinky stinky bastard child. will sell you to satan for a cornchip. only bottoms for love. a backstory below the cut. wanted connections? what are those. i want everything. feel free to attack me with ways of inserting ur muse into his life at any point (goes for agathe people too, mf traveled a lot, wouldve been in france on many occasions, probably left a shit impression; i also almost wrote “travels”, how embarrassing, as if he’s gonna go anywhere else). 

illegitimate child of an established london businessman who owned a cotton mill, several properties and estates, and dabbled in all sorts of trade, textiles, fur, jewels, most of it done illegally because he was just as money-hungry as kane would later become

first grew up in poverty with his birth mother. his father always knew of his existence but loathed kane’s mother so he stayed away and gave zero fucks. he only took him in and claimed him as his own after her death when kane was eight. baby kane gets a new name and lands himself a “family”

then grew up alongside his half-brother and for obvious reasons was sidelined. his father and his wife provided for him, a home, food, solid education but he was never made to feel like a part of the family. while his brother (abel, older by four years) was groomed to inherit the businesses and land, kane was expected to come up with a plan that would get him out of the family’s sight as soon as possible

suicide mention tw: their father died of a heart attack when kane was 23 and his step-mother killed herself shortly after. abel inherited all of his father’s businesses, land and money, as presumed, but surprised kane with an offer of partnership. kane agreed in a heartbeat because it meant he would have a secure future ahead of him

the continued to work together for a few years until kane started getting greedy; a fifty-fifty split wasn’t good enough and he basically sold his brother out; abel got imprisoned for going around custom charges on some of the trades he did, kane got himself out of that situation by claiming that he had no idea that anything shady was going on. 

kane took over the businesses, paid bribes where needed and continued to grow the fortune that now belonged to him. the moment he started sleeping on a bed made of money, he finally felt like he was in control of his life

he stuck his hand anywhere he could, business-wise. if there was something lucrative in the city going on, you bet your ass that kane was in on it. 

murder tw: guess who’s back in the house. that’s right, abel was freed and wanted his father’s money back, with a side of revenge. the second kane heard about his brother being free, he hid so he could come up with a plan. didn’t work, abel found him, almost slashed his brother’s throat (kane has a pretty big scar from that happening). in the end it was kane who got out of the fight alive — he killed abel and to make things Interesting, pinned it on his right hand man (whom he may or may not have been involved with), which shows that he really just Doesn’t Care about allegiances

carried on, business as usual. then kane heard about the promethean’s expedition and even though everyone around him told him Not To — that leaving all his shit behind was risky, that just Going there was risky, he decided to go anyway. back in england, he’s got everything. but promethean goes beyond that. and if something screams more, kane’s going after it.

PINTEREST BOARD

[crownjevvel]

romeo bio copy-pasted from the server ;0

Name: Ezekial / Zeke 

Codename: Romeo

Age: 19

Powers/E.P/Skills: If he makes physical contact with someone, they will fall completely in love with him and be totally under his control. These love zombies' strength is increased tenfold, and are very useful for when brute force is needed. However, he has a limit, and once he's overwhelmed the zombies go into a violent frenzy for 3 minutes before snapping out of their trance. They're near impossible to tame in this state. He can get overwhelmed very easily. He cannot control too many people at once, and he cannot control someone much more powerful than himself. Using this power en masse also gives him terrible migraines, and wearing himself out can cause him to faint and his headache to immobilize him for a day or two.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

trans rights baby! hes post op :)

loves to cook! probably part of the chef crew.

ironically, he loves and is comforted by physical affection, and he likes to hold onto/lean against friends when he feels comfortable. he can do this by wearing a vengestone earring to suppress his powers outside of battle. however, it mysteriously vanished one day.

hes a big fan of the ninja. he first saw them during the talent show to get the fangblade in season 1. safe to say cole was his favorite and kai was his idol.

when hes stressed, he likes to dance.

the therapist friend. ready to help at the drop of a hat. despite this, he's very reserved and is usually by himself either training, cooking, or just sitting and thinking.

hes a bit vain, and tends to overestimate himself sometimes, so he makes a lot of half ironic, ego-centric jokes and really plays it up for laughs. but deep down he doesnt believe in himself very much and doesnt take failures well. because of this he trains hard and constantly.

hes a bit of a flirt, but gets flustered very easily. he loves to give (and secretly receive) compliments.

other personality traits include: wistful, perceptive, wise, neurotic, analytical, detail-oriented, emotional, ditzy, and persistent. sometimes described as pushy or a control freak when he's particularly anxious about something.

lavalamp (romeo x cole x kai x jinx) is a thing theyre all in love with each other. said fuck it, poly time.

Backstory:

Ezekial grew up under ninjago city, son of the head of a literal underground crime ring. He never knew his mother, and when he asked his father all he'd be told was that she was a powerful elemental master, and along with his "impeccable DNA" he create a child with even more raw capabilities. The only thing left of her was a vengestone earring she made for his father so they could be together, and Zeke kept it hidden away for years.

Zeke was used as a weapon the minute his powers surfaced, taking control of anybody who opposed his father and subjecting them to immeasurable amounts of pain. Safe to say he's pretty traumatized and regrets a lot of things, but his father would always say "my roof, my rules," and would be violent if he didn't comply. His father took pride in Zeke's powers, probably because they were once his own. He never tried to control his father because his strength far exceeded his own, and he knew his father would kill him if he lost control. They both knew that, and it was constantly rubbed in Zeke's face. It would be betrayal, it would break his father's trust, and he wouldn't hesitate to punish his son in any way he saw fit.

His father wants to be adored and admired, and dreams of a life surrounded by equally shallow friends indulging themselves in all the worlds temptations, looking down on those who don't wish it for themselves. He wants more, and more, and more. But Zeke isn't like that, not entirely. He never liked using his powers like he was forced to, to the point where he despises his abilities. At 15, he found a way to sneak out to the surface, and was astounded by what he found. The lights, the sounds, the people, all friendly and going about their business. People helped each other, they had fun with each other, and they were expected to. It was unlike anything he'd ever seen. Every now and then when the time was right, he'd sneak off and walk around the city. He'd talk to one new person each time, even though he was nervous. He learned so much about people, about friendship and family, the history of his home and its current protectors. He loved it all, and he wanted desperately to see more, to learn more, to feel more, to help more.

He was 17. One night while sneaking away, his father caught him leaving. Knowing what his father would do to him if he was caught, he ran away as fast as he could. Lackies were sent after him, and he used his powers to escape, controlling them for a brief moment before his panic set in and they went rampaging through his father's base. He ran and ran until he hid in a tea shop, run by a spunky and mysterious old lady. "You look frazzled, young man," she said, "take a seat next to that other young person over there, and I'll get you some nice, rejuvenating tea." He looked over and saw someone with deep black hair and a golden-yellow sweatshirt. They waved, and he reluctantly waved back and sat with them, putting in his father's earring on the way. The stranger commented on it, noticing the vengestone. After some playful banter and a cup of tea (and maybe a wink somewhere in there there, earning Zeke the nickname of "Romeo"), the stranger says their name is Jinxx, but down with their crew theyre called "Èyùn", and they always have room for one more on the team.

[dyadsaber]

A New Reylo Shipper Reads the TFA Novelization Part 4: In Which I Refuse to Believe that the Han and Leia I’ve Known Since I was Eight are That Awful at Parenting or Relationships, and I Have Feelings About a Scene With Rey in a Chair

Full disclosure: I am an old fan.  I saw Star Wars for the first time in 1989 because my mom took me to see Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade in theaters, I thought Indy was the Best Thing Ever, and mom decided I was old enough for Star Wars, too. I was 8.  I saw Phantom Menace in theaters the month before I graduated from high school. So I’ve had ideas about what Han and Leia are like as people for the vast majority of my life. 

I have spent a lot of time and mental energy trying to wrap my brain around the way that Han and Leia and Luke act and make choices in the sequel trilogy so that I can enjoy the things that I actually LIKE about the sequels. (And I like a lot, or I wouldn’t have a Reylo blog or be writing about this novelization.) Some of it, I can come up with explanations for.  They are sad explanations, but I can get my brain to buy them instead of screaming THIS PERSON WOULD NOT DO THAT. But the way that this novelization was going to have Han and Leia talk about Ben’s fall to the Dark Side in the scene where they meet up again is NOT ONE OF THEM. 

OH YE GODS THIS MAKES ME SO ANGRY. (I’m going to swear a lot below…) 

When Han and Leia see each other again, we find out how long it’s been since they’ve seen each other… 

Husband and wife stood regarding each other for the first time in years.

YEARS? Really? My first question when I read this was, how many years? Apparently, various supplemental timelines reveal it has supposedly only been seven years since Ben turned to the Dark Side and Luke’s temple was destroyed, which means Ben was, what, twenty three when shit went down? I have issues with this as well. All of the other clues we’re given point to him being younger. This is a glaring example of “no one cared about these characters as much as the fans did and so people weren’t careful with the timeline.” 

Getting back to the issue of Han and Leia not seeing each other for… an unspecified at this point number of years, I get that what happened was traumatic. I get that it probably took a toll on their relationship, but having Han just say “screw it” and fuck off with Chewie, and Leia just… keep on keeping on has always smacked of lazy writing to me. It feels like Abrams didn’t want to have to DEAL with the messy questions about how Han and Leia would be with each other if they had STAYED TOGETHER and dealt, sometimes well, sometimes poorly, with the loss of their son.  So he was just like, “NOPE THEY SPLIT UP ISN’T IT SAD?” And it IS SAD, but the Han who CAME BACK even when there was no reward in it for him, whose last words before being FROZEN IN CARBONITE were “I LOVE YOU,” and the Leia who WALKED INTO JABBA’S PALACE TO GET HIM BACK would not be like this.  I can see them trying to work through their grief together, and then Han just needing to get away for a while, or them agreeing to focus their efforts on finding their son and turn him back in the areas where they each most likely to have an effect, BUT NO. They just… split, and we don’t even get a lot of backstory about exactly how that went so we can understand the emotional arc for these characters. DUMB. I CALL BULLSHIT. 

And speaking of HORSESHIT CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS…. Here’s some extra stuff Han says that wasn’t on screen. 

“He’s gone, Leia. He was always drawn to the dark side. There was nothing we could’ve done to stop it, no matter how hard we tried.”

This is longer than what he says on screen. His line here in the film is “We lost our son. Forever.” And the longer version pisses me off SO MUCH. How would HAN know he was always drawn to the Dark Side, unless Luke and Leia were TELLING HIM that’s what was happening? (Possible, but this doesn’t read like Han reminding Leia of things she told him already, and I don’t like what that theory says about Luke and Leia making Han afraid of his own kid.) 

I know on-screen Han says something about “even Luke couldn’t help him,” the stuff about THERE IS NOTHING WE COULD HAVE DONE just makes me FURIOUS. Is this supposed to be COMFORTING to Leia? Like, “Well, we did our best and it’s not our fault he turned because that was always gonna happen”?  WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK. Han is not that much of a fatalist.  He tries to tell himself that Ben is gone for good NOW, which is understandable, but “there’s NOTHING WE COULD HAVE DONE IT WAS ALWAYS HOPELESS?” No. Get out of my house if you’re talking that level of shit about Han. 

And then there’s THIS CRAP ABOUT LEIA, AND I’M GONNA BLOW A GASKET LOOKING AT ALL OF THIS AGAIN. 

So, when Leia says “it was Snoke” in the film, Han doesn’t react much, and to me, that scene on screen reads like Leia is reminding Han of something they both already know, but in the novel, she apparently… just… never mentioned Snoke to Han, and she KNEW ABOUT HIM ALL ALONG? 

“Snoke?” She nodded. “He knew our child would be strong with the Force. That he was born with equal potential for good or evil.” “You knew this from the beginning? Why didn’t you tell me?” She sighed. “Many reasons. I was hoping that I was wrong, that it wasn’t true. I hoped I could sway him, turn him away from the dark side, without having to involve you.” A small smile appeared. “You had—you have—wonderful qualities, Han, but patience and understanding were never among them. I was afraid that your reactions would only drive him farther to the dark side. I thought I could shield him from Snoke’s influence and you from what was happening.” Her voice dropped. “It’s clear now that I was wrong. Whether your involvement would have made a difference, we’ll never know.”

So you are telling me that LEIA FUCKING ORGANA had a CHILD with a man (and married him? Are the new canon ones even married? Does it even matter? IT DOES TO ME.) and then hid a REALLY IMPORTANT FACT ABOUT THEIR SON from that man because she thought… Han was too impatient? And she thought he wouldn’t be able to handle it and would make it worse? And so she just… hid it from both of them and tried to deal with it on her own? The more I think about this, the angrier it makes me.  

One of the things I love about Star Wars is how much we get to see characters leaning on each other, both physically and metaphorically, and being part of a team that supports each other.  It’s one of the reasons I hate the way that the sequels separate people and have characters that have spent their whole arcs looking for connection ending up on screen alone at the end. (I know Rey’s not staying on Tattooine, but the fact that the last time we see her, she’s by herself was a choice that makes me mad.) ANYWAY… The idea of Leia deciding she has to struggle with this BY HERSELF (and maybe with Luke? Who even knows?) and ON PURPOSE cutting Han out of the loop entirely is just… stunningly out of character. It’s another one of those writing decisions that makes for good angst and terrible characterization if you know ANYTHING about Leia, in my opinion. 

And I refuse to believe that this next line is anything other than a need for this information to be gotten across to the audience in an extra clear way.  This is Han’s response to all of the above, I think. 

He had trouble believing what he was hearing. “So Snoke was watching our son.”

So this confirms it. THIS is DEFINITELY the first time Leia even MENTIONS Snoke manipulating their kid to Han. The implication here is that after Ben turned, Leia let Han roam around the galaxy for seven years,  BY HIMSELF, NOT KNOWING THAT THEIR KID HAD BEEN FUCKED WITH BY AN EVIL DESSICATED PICKLE? SHE LET HIM KEEP THINKING THAT BEN’S TURN WAS JUST BECAUSE THERE WAS SOMETHING INNATELY WRONG WITH BEN AND NOTHING MORE? DUMB. Canon not accepted.

I need to go watch this scene in TFA, with all of its flaws, to cleanse my brain of this stupidity. 

Oh… one last thing that is not nearly so rage inducing, but gets to one of the things that annoys me about the prequels. (This is a little later when Han is leaving.) 

He put his hands on her shoulders, and thirty years fell away in an instant. “Leia, there’s something I’ve been wanting to say to you for a long time.” Fighting to hold back tears, she put a finger to his lips. “Tell me when you get back.”

On the one hand this is kind of sweet, but on the other LET HAN SAY I LOVE YOU, ABRAMS YOU TEASE.  Let Leia say “I know.”  You LOVE cheap callbacks to the original trilogy, and this wouldn’t have even been a cheap callback because it would have made sense for the moment and the characters. I would have bought it. I would have paid a high price for it.  I’m tired of characters not telling each other things (FINN IN THE LAST MOVIE OMG).  I know it’s a way to up the tension, but it just reads as lazy writing here to me, especially now that I know that this is the last time we get to see them speak to each other, and there’s really no REASON she shouldn’t let him say it. 

And now… some feelings about Rey in a chair. 

First, let’s get this out of the way… What Kylo Ren does here is NOT GOOD. Like, “this made me remember all the reasons I was so resistant to shipping them” levels of not good. But then I remembered that I’ve been fangirling over REALLY TERRIBLE PEOPLE since Jason Isaacs stepped on screen in The Patriot in theaters (Go look it up. I’m really old, ok?), and I ship pairings that hurt each other WAY more permanently than Rey and Ben do, and I got over my misgivings.  (Half of one of my OTPs canonically killed the other half in a fit of anger, and she STAYED DEAD. I still ship them because this was a stupid writing decision.)

What I think is so eerily fascinating about this whole scene, both on the page and on screen, is how… weirdly direct and honest Kylo is the whole time. And it’s not just honesty (but I’m going to scream about that a lot), it’s… how careful (for him) he is with her. 

So I knew this was going to be a ride of a scene when the very first time he talks from Rey’s PoV, we get… 

“In Kylo Ren’s voice there was unexpected gentleness.”

Was it also understanding and tall? (That will never stop being funny to me… sorry.) 

And THEN, when she asks about her friends, he’s like (paraphrasing here) “Well I COULD tell you they all died…” 

“But I would prefer to be honest with you from the beginning. You will be relieved to hear that as far as their current status and well-being is concerned—I have no idea.”

This matters a lot to me.  And it solidified my belief that he THOUGHT he was telling her the truth about her parents in TLJ when he said they were “nothing” and that they abandoned her.  He MUST have been acting on an incorrect assumption that he arrogantly assumed was true because, that this is the important bit, he never knowingly lies to her...  I really wish that honesty line had made it into the film. 

And the fact that he thinks RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING that this is going to be the beginning of an ongoing relationship where he would even CARE about establishing trust… just makes me laugh at the presumption on his part, but also makes me want to be like, “Ok, so you’re kind of right but also hilariously wrong because this is NOT GOING TO GO HOW YOU THINK.” Mostly I just enjoy simmering in the dramatic irony of it all. 

And then he takes his mask off because Rey called him a creature in a mask, and that probably hurt his feelings or something.

 “In itself the narrow face that looked back at her was not remarkable. It was almost sensitive.”

And this is where I became even more convinced that… maybe casting hadn’t happened for all the parts yet?  But ADF had descriptions of types they were looking for? Because if there’s one thing that Adam’s face is pretty much ALL THE TIME, it’s sensitive (and holy crud expressive).  No almost. 

Also, if Adam had been cast, this bit: 

“If not for the intensity of his gaze, Ren could have passed for someone she might have met on the dust streets of Niima Outpost.” 

Would have read more like: “If not for the intensity of his gaze, his ridiculously good looking hair that probably took a whole team of stylist droids to maintain, and the fact that he was tall as a tauntaun, he might have passed for someone on the street.” But I digress. 

So this next line of his is from a really awful moment that should not have made me smile.  But… he’s not even angry, here. He’s just exasperated, and that fight on the Death Star they have in TRoS made this extra amusing. (Not that anyone who’s read this far is going to be on my case about this, but I know how problematic that line is! I know how problematic this whole scene is! Not an uncritical consumer of media here, just having fun reading with a shippy lens!) 

When she maintained her silence, he almost sighed. “I can take whatever I want.”

The old " Well, I guess we're doing this the hard way" sigh. I can SEE IT. 

And then, one of those unique to the novel lines that I somehow didn’t know about before reading the book that just STOPPED ME IN MY TRACKS when I got to it. 

“I would have preferred to avoid this. Despite what you may believe, it gives me no pleasure. I will go as easily as possible—but I will take what I need.”

HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS. I mean on the one hand, have a “not as much of a jerk as you could have been” gold star, but on the other hand, for KYLO “I HAVE A TEMPER AND GET WHAT I WANT REN” to have the intention to tread carefully with her and to CARE enough about what she thinks about him that he SAYS IT? WOW.

Thank you for coming to my talk, “Kylo Ren ALWAYS Cares What Rey Thinks of Him: A Thesis Presentation by Me” 

So he tries to get into her brain again, and we get this: (I can’t tell whose PoV this supposed to be from. It’s Rey all around this point, but it doesn’t make sense that it would be her here, and ADF can’t hold a consistent point of view in this novel to save his life, so… it makes more sense to me that it’s Kylo’s PoV.)

“And hesitated. What was that? Something there. Something unexpected.”

Loneliness would not be unexpected. He wouldn’t be surprised by that. It makes sense that the original intent was this is Kylo sensing her ability to use the Force, but if there was ANY pre-planning of the bond at all, this would have been a moment where he’d be able to sense it.  (I now want to be directed to any and all articles of behind the scenes discussion of the bond and who first decided it was going to be A Thing.  Was that just Rian Johnson?) No matter what happened from a Doylist perspective here, what happened from the Watsonian perspective is that Kylo went fishing in his other half’s mind and stepped right into their one-in-a-million connection in the Force and was like, “WHAT IS THIS???”

So we’re going to skip over the part of Rey crying because that does terrible things to my soul that I don’t have words for. (I may ship Reylo now, but I loved Rey on her own from the second she stepped on screen in theaters.) 

This moment, though… this is so telling. 

“Rey—you’ve seen the map. It’s in there. And I am going to take it. Don’t be afraid.”

Geez this is so him. Frustratingly so. I see why they cut it for the flow of the scene and to make him scarier but WOW. “I’m going to do what I want, but YOU DON’T NEED TO BE AFRAID. Here let me comb through all of your insecurities and worst memories AGAINST YOUR WILL while you’re strapped to a table, ok? WHY ARE YOU SCARED?” 

Honestly, the fact that he even thinks for a second that “don’t be afraid” is going to be AT ALL HELPFUL OR EFFECTIVE in this situation just goes to show how… weirdly out touch with normal people he is. (“Ben Solo Learns How to Be a Person and Not Something Out of Nightmare” is a fic trope I will read and write forever.) 

Then there’s that “SOMETHING” again…

‘Ah, he thought to himself. Something there, of interest. Not the image of the map. That would take another moment. But definitely something worth investigating.”

WHAT IS THIS? It would be easy to say, “He’s just sensing her Force capabilities, or the bond,” again, but we’ve already seen him have that reaction.  This reads like he’s specifically sensing another MEMORY, but we don’t ever get what it WAS before she pushes back. (Probably reading too much into this, but OF COURSE I AM. I’ve written seventeen pages of reaction to this nonsense so far, and I show no signs of stopping.) Anyone want to put forward wildly speculative theories as to what it was? I’ll start: He’s very specifically sensing her memory of Ben falling to the Dark from TRoKR, and it’s drawing his attention because it’s a memory of HIM. 

And now for Round 1 of “Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better.”  Rey pushes back and finds herself in Kylo’s mind. 

A look of amazement replaced the fear on Rey’s face as she discovered herself inside his mind. Stunned at the realization, she found herself inexorably drawn to—to… “You,” she heard herself saying clearly, “you’re afraid.”

DRAWN TO WHAT, ADF? To his vulnerabilities? To the place in his mind that correlates to the place in hers that he went poking at? I mean, that makes sense, an it would be instance #1 of Rey replicating what Kylo did because… he’s the example of Force use she’s GOT at this point, and it makes sense that she would be unconsciously doing what he did.  (So really… he accidentally taught her a lot… just saying.) 

And finally,  just kind of love this description of caught-flat-footed Kylo Ren: 

“In the corridor, a stunned Ren found that he was breathing hard. That in itself was unsettling. He did not know what had just transpired in the holding cell and, not knowing, was left uncertain how to proceed.” 

She… raised my breathing rate? I’m???? Having??? A??? Feeling????? Or wait have I been having a feeling this WHOLE TIME AND SHE JUST POKED IT???? WHAT IS GOING ON??? What do I DOOOOOO????? Oh good a stormtrooper needs to talk to me. Time to NOT THINK ABOUT ANY OF WHAT JUST HAPPENED FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.  

Rey clearly had the one brain cell the dyad shares between them for this scene, and for a long time after. 

That was WAY longer than I meant it to be, but… thanks for reading! I’d love to know what people think.  I feel like I walked into a party late and want to talk about ALL THE THINGS people were screaming at five years ago. 

[keldae]

@starknstarwars had sent me a prompt for “First Hug -- Theron/Xaja”. The hellsite unhelpfully ate the post when I tried to schedule it, but happily I had a backup on GDocs. Behold, your prompt answer! (If you folks haven’t read Xaja’s backstory, I’d recommend reading this for context.)

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"Pretty sure that's our guy," Korin muttered as he and Xaja sat at a table inside the Blaster's Path, watching the cantina through the dim lights. "Big-looking Nikto over there, eyeballing the dancers."

"I see him," Xaja murmured back to her brother. "And that datapad he was using… it's gotta have something useful Theron or Dad can pull for finding the Nova Blades' hideout."

"Or the psycho cultists themselves," Korin nodded. "Shame he’s being so protective of it. How are we doing this? Jumping him when he tries to leave?"

"There's a pack of other Nova Blades kicking around nearby," Xaja shook her head. "We jump him, we'll get too much attention. We just need to get that datapad off of him quietly."

"Well, we'd better figure something out quick, 'cuz he looks like he's about to get up and go. And we ain't gonna be lucky enough for him to be goin' for a dancer."

"You would like that, wouldn't you…" Xaja rolled her eyes as Korin shrugged and grinned. Her brow furrowed in thought for a moment before she stood up, tugging her jacket back over her lightsabers. "I'm a little rusty, but he's also had a few drinks… just be ready to cause a scene if I need cover."

"Not that I'm not down for causing a scene," Korin slowly said, frowning in confusion, "but what are you doing?"

"Trust me. I know almost exactly what I'm doing." Xaja shot him a wink, then stepped away from the table and vanished into the milling patrons of the cantina. A short human woman like her could disappear easily in this crowd, even with that bright hair of hers.

"I got a bad feeling about this…" Korin muttered under his breath as he tried to not look like he was searching for his sister in the crowd, and keep an eye on their target at the same time. He quietly swore when the pirate stood up, stowing the datapad in a pocket, and started looking for ways to cause a disturbance to slow the Nikto down.

He almost missed the glimpse of Xaja appearing just beside the Nikto. Her right hand flicked slightly, and the Nikto sharply looked away from her, frowning like he had heard something. If Korin hadn't been watching the exchange like a hawk, he probably wouldn't have seen how Xaja's left hand deftly slipped into the Nikto's pocket, relieving him of his datapad before she slipped back into the crowd. None the wiser for the theft, the Nikto finally shrugged and started making his way to the cantina's back exit.

"Well, I'm not as rusty as I thought," spoke Xaja's voice just behind Korin, making him startle. When he looked back at his sister, he could see a proud smirk and the edge of the datapad, protectively hidden under her jacket. "Still got it."

"How in the hells--?"

"I'll explain later.” Xaja glanced over her shoulder, ignoring Korin’s bewildered stare. “Let's get out of here before he realizes the datapad's gone and comes looking."

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The safehouse was quiet when the siblings made it back unscathed -- only Theron was present, frowning down at his console screen. "Welcome back," he distractedly called over as he heard their footsteps. "Turn up anything useful?"

"Yeah, I think so." Slipping the datapad out of her jacket, Xaja made her way over to Theron and handed him the small computer, trying to ignore how her heart skipped a beat when she saw his amber eyes soften in a smile. "Stole that off a stray Nova Blade. It should have some decent intel on it."

Theron's eyebrow raised, impressed. "Nicely done." He reached to take the datapad from Xaja; his fingers just brushed her own, and she had to firmly tamp down her shiver. She did not have a crush on the handsome spy, she scolded herself, and reacting to him like a lovestruck teenager was a distraction from the important task at hand. A Jedi Master could keep a grip on her emotions, dammit.

She almost missed his next words, while she was silently arguing with herself. "And considering neither of you look like you went ten rounds with any grouchy pirates, I'm guessing Korin's sneakier than I gave him credit for."

"Don't look at me -- that bit of criminal activity was not my doing, believe it or not." Korin shook his head as he flopped onto a couch. "You gotta tell me how a Jedi learned how to pick pockets like that, Xaj…"

Theron blinked in surprise, then grinned. "Wait, what new scandal is this? Our resident Jedi is a practised thief? This has gotta be one for the tabloids."

Xaja groaned as she stepped back while Theron chuckled, shaking her head. "It's a really long story…"

"I'm all ears." Korin grinned. "And for listening to a Jedi, even. Don’t get used to it."

"Wonders never cease," Xaja deadpanned before frowning down at her crossed arms, aware of Theron turning to lean back against his computer, listening in. "... So the story starts back when I was a kid. When the… I-I was in the Temple when it was attacked in the Sacking." She felt concern and pity spiking in the Force around her from both of her listeners, the cheerful mood in the room faltering to sadness. "I managed to get out through the sublevels and hid in the Works--"

"As a kid?!" Korin's eyes bulged as he shot upright. "How the fuck did you not die?"

"Sheer luck, and small seven-year-olds being able to hide easily?" Xaja shrugged, unable to meet Korin or Theron's gazes. "I… well, I had to find a way to survive, and none of the adults in the area were… trustworthy. So I, uh… I learned how to pick pockets. It wasn't a lot, but it kept me alive."

"Shit… I'm sorry." Theron's voice was unusually soft and gentle. "I can't even imagine what that must have been like."

"And as a kid…" Korin soberly frowned. "That was not the story I had imagined you learning pick-pocketing in."

"Why, what'd you expect?" Xaja looked up with a little frown.

"Some sorta wild escapade involving a protocol droid, half the Hutt Cartel, two monkey-lizards, and a goat…"

Xaja snorted, relieved at Korin's innate ability to wreck a serious mood as the spacer smirked. "No, that's the speeder hotwiring story. Ask nicely and I might tell that one someday."

"I gotta hear that one sometime, and I’ll buy as many rounds as it takes to hear that story." Theron grinned before frowning. "How'd you make it back to the Jedi? They don't frequent the Works on the best of days."

"No… and I'm not sure I would have believed anyone claiming to be a Jedi, not when… when I thought everyone else had been killed." Xaja looked back down at her arms, then back up. "It was a couple of years after the Sacking. I had found an area near what's now Justicar territory where a lot of smugglers were operating out of. I snuck onto a ship to hide from… from what I think was a slave trafficker. I must have fallen asleep while hiding, since I woke up when the ship was in hyperspace. The crew of the ship didn't have enough to spare for another mouth, so they let me off at their next port, which was Ord Mantell."

"Yeeesh," Korin muttered. "Not much of an upgrade there."

"At least there weren't cthons and psychotic droids," Xaja pointed out, unaware of Theron suddenly frowning. "Anyway, I… I was scared of pretty much everyone, so I kept doing my pick-pocketing thing for… maybe a month? Kept getting away with it until I stole a credstick from this one guy -- he might've been a teenager, I can't quite remember. But he was with a couple of older men, one of whom was a Jedi, and they eventually managed to catch me--"

"Ghost." Theron had pushed off from the computer he'd been leaning against, eyes wide and face paling. The Force around him flickered with shock. “Hells... you're the little Ghost from Fort Garnik."

Xaja felt the blood drain from her face as she put together the pieces that Theron had already connected. She hadn't ever told anyone else the name that the kind teenager had given her while working to earn her trust, when she was just a terrified little girl, on a planet that she didn’t know. If Theron knew that name... "Fuck," she whispered, her hands flying to her mouth. "That was you?! You were the…" 

"You were that little kid who was too scared to talk to anyone…"

"You're the guy I stole that credstick from, who kept trying to talk to me…" Xaja could feel the planet starting to tilt under her feet as she tried to process this new information. "Oh, hells…"

She heard Theron take two long strides toward her, his hands awkwardly settling on her shoulders. "You okay? You look like you're gonna faint…"

Xaja shook her head, trying to focus on just breathing, until she felt Theron hesitantly pull her into a hug. "I didn't think I'd ever find out who you were…" she whispered as she leaned into the hug, her hands settling onto his sides. She could feel his rib cage moving with his breaths, and tried to centre herself on that… a task made far more difficult when she realized she was close enough to confirm that he smelled really, really good.

"Marcus and I tried to keep tabs on you, but lost track of you when we didn't know your name…" Theron sounded stunned, almost as much as Xaja felt. "Always wondered what had happened to you…"

"Fuck. I never thought..." Xaja shook her head into Theron's chest, then sheepishly mumbled, "Sorry about the credstick."

That got a snorted laugh over her head as the hug tightened reassuringly. "Don't worry about that. You clearly needed it more than I did."

"I owe you a few big ones…" Xaja finally slid her arms around Theron's waist and tightly squeezed. "Thank you," she whispered. "I never got to thank you for rescuing me. You saved my life, doing that… thank you."

"Don’t mention it." She could feel Theron rest his cheek against her hair, the pressure solid and reassuring. "Good thing we found you when we did. I'm glad you turned out okay, after all of that…"

Maybe, considering the circumstances, she could be excused for burying her face in Theron's chest and savouring the tight, secure, protective hug around her slim frame. For all that Master Gilrad had done in bringing her back to a Jedi Enclave for desperately-needed healing, it had been the boy with the kind amber eyes and bright red jacket who had rescued her by earning her trust… the boy who had become the handsome, clever, snarky spy she trusted now, and who she still stubbornly denied she had any sort of a crush on. The Force, she decided, had a really weird sense of humour.

Having completely forgotten about Korin still sitting there watching the entire thing go down, she was unaware of her brother smiling at her and Theron before turning away and slipping out of the safehouse on quiet feet. Best to intercept whoever was due to return to the safehouse (if he remembered correctly, probably Jakarro) and give the spy and Jedi inside time to process this unexpected reunion. He could pester one of them for more details as to their apparent very-first meeting as kids later.

Besides, maybe if they were alone for a while, it would do something about the ridiculous sexual tension between the two of them that everyone else could feel.