#They get me out of the house fuckingg DOING something other than crying in the dark

[rahabs]

Wide awake at 5 AM stressing about money.

[kyandice]

14/02

It’s Valentine’s Day and before today i was in Malaysia for a few days and I could only think about the things i could buy for Bryan. Lmao I bought a bag of snacks and chocolates and I was extremely excited before giving it to Bryan. So yay when I got into his room and stuff he started eating those cheese sticks anyways I love their cheese. I forgot what brand that was but I swear that brand has the best cheese in the world. So Bryan also almost finished the box of cheese dips with me he wanted to save like a box for his sister, but well he told me that his sister didn’t like the cheese soooo boohoohoo maybe small kids have slightly different taste buds. So while I was in Malaysia I went to this store and well it was filled with anime stuff and idk kpop stuff. There was like a lot Pokémon stuff to so i decided to fill the Valentine’s Day bag that I’m giving Bryan filled with Pokémon stuff. I really forgot how much I spent on that shop but I bought a Pikachu plush 20-25cm I thinkkkkk I don’t rmbbb maybe smaller lolll. And I also got like a few tiny legendary Pokémon figures they aren’t like real legit figures but i thought it would be kinda cuteee. So I kinda made a box and put it in so it wouldn’t look that awkward scattered around in the bag. There was also this fake Lego Pokémon thing and I decided to buy it for him because it looked kinda cute I don’t think he kinda fixed it buttt :

 So we had decided to Skype each other. Well apparently it’s 15/02 but like I haven’t slept so it’s counted as 14/02. And yea. Around 12am Bryan asked me to do something that I just didn’t want to do so he became angry and I became angry. And then Bryan suddenly cut and ended the call on me so I got angry and I told him that other guys wouldn’t treat me like that. I mean I don’t get angry fast, but when I do I go all destructive I’ll get insensitive to other people’s feelings and I will do anything just to make that person feel down. Also when I get angry, I don’t get angry easily and instead I’ll get angry because it was a built up thing or something. So after he cut the call with me i got angry and then I texted him saying like insensitive stuff to him. 

 But then after I said all those angry stuff to him he said I broke his heart and he said he was the worst boyfriend ever and I started breaking down and started crying. So I realized I was angry and I didn’t mean everything I said but then when it tried to call him again he didn’t pick up. I guess I’m a bitch when I’m angry tbh I don’t deserve anyone. i become mean and I’m a pure asshole when I’m angry I just want to put people down to feel better about myself I’m such a coward

 Edit: this Lego Pokémon thing would prolly be his first Lego toy after like yearssss

 15/02

So I woke up worried and like legit I woke up with my heart thumping real fast cuz I was really worried about Bryan because of ystd night. So apparently I woke up late and by the time I reached Macpherson Mrt, Bryan was already there and then I started tearing up a little cuz I thought he was still upset with me. and well guess what he had a paper bag on his hands and he passed it to me and he said Happy late valentine’s day. Then I started crying.

Like I would always make sure he tells me when he’s back from home so I wouldn’t be so worried about him. And well he told me he was back home, but like actually he lied to me and he went all the way just to shop shoes for my Valentine’s day gift. First of all, I was so touched and like cuz he said that ystd night on skype was a prank and then I felt so bad for saying all the bad stuff to him. so I became like fuckingg guilty and i cried more.

(p.s. we promised each other not to get each other gifts for Valentine’s day cuz it was exam period and I didn’t want him or me to spend time for each other choosing our gifts rather than studying. but like since I was in msia, I might as well buy for Bryan stuff since I wasn’t even studying so like, might as well. but Bryan bought it when he could spend that time studyingggg.)

Anyways I appreciate that a lot and omg I was extremelyy happy and surprised also when he gave it to me. Like, I didn’t even expect ittt. I didn’t even expect any gift since like we also made a compromise not to give each other gifts but oh wellll

 So when we reached the sch library, I could finally see what Bryan bought for me. and to tbvvvvvh the first thing I was looking for was a card, and I was kinda disappointed that there wasn’t a card inside the bag. but when I opened the shoe box there was a card so I immediately brightened up :DDD and like I read the card at the same spot without putting it down like thrice before looking at the shoes. anyways the shoes are like damn nice. okay, i slept with the shoes I’m not even kidding I’m like so in love with my shoes I love black andd pastel pink so much it’s like two of my most favourite colours and it also has my name engraved on in istg the shoes are like so beautiful I cant stop looking at it even after I went back home. BUT THE SHOES ARE FUCKING $100+ LIEK WTF DUUUUDEEEE. FUCK HE CANT SPEND SO MUCH MONEY ON ME AGAIN. FUCK I FEEL DAMN BAD SIAAAAAA

 well after that, since it was still earlyy (arnd 9am?) we decide to just get out of sch library to like go his house againnn. Well we met Cindy on our way to the Mrt and what happened afterward was even funnier. Apparently when we came back we decided to join Cindy and the rest to study at the library, Cindy asked what we did while we were out we said we ate lunch but I forgot what Bryan said but he lied to Cindy, but cuz Cindy saw us outside the mrt she caught Bryan lying and lmao I legit facepalmed cuz hahahah we’re sorta exposed.

 so yeaaa we studied in the library with Cindy and I was studying math while Bryan was studying OC. he asked me a few questions about OC I tried to recall but then a few seconds later I had my hand flicked away again by Bryan.

like okay I’m happy he’s being straightforward with his feelings with me. like if he’s annoyed he’ll show it. AND I really like and appreciate that but sometimes he goes too harsh and I’m like urghhdskjhfldsajhfsdf

 Anyways Cindy and the rest decided to eat dinner and like I thought Bryan was still angry with me so I didn’t join them cuz like I want Bryan to enjoy his meal but oh well. instead of studying while they were eating I took out Bteh’s old phone and went on tinder I had 7 other Bryan matches anyway lmao. I also shopped online and there’s alot of things I want to buy after all my exams are over. and omggggg I want this softball keychain its damn cuteeee it’s like only $2+ with shipping blahblah but yaaaaaassss I wna get ittttt. But right, after that it was like 6:30pm and I have to go home cuz “curfew”. (my parents never mentioned anything like curfew but everytime i step home after7:30 pm I will be like scolded and tadaaaaa urghsdfnbsdf;kjf;kdf)

 16/02

I finally got my contact lensees. yayyyy I can finally wear them to training and I wouldn’t feel as insecure again. people also say that I look uglier without contacts on sooooooo,sighhhh. and sometimes Bryan would joke about me being ugly without contacts and that’s when I get insecure the most. also like at times, he would tell me about how he finds a certain girl pretty on ig and ill get insecure and jealous shit like wtf but yeah. but like, I appreciate he’s being honest too but I do get like sad and insecure when he talk abt how pretty other girls are. like Angeline okay omg I hate it the most when he talks abt fantasizing Angeline I hate that shit. like normally ill just be sad. but like Angeline, I get triggered whenever he talks abt her. but like again I appreciate and like his honesty, he tells me stuff but I also can’t help but feel insecure and sad tbh idk what I want lmao. maybe girls are confusing after all.

 17/02

Bryan started watching pewdiepie play undertale. he was kinda scared too but like I guess undertale is not as scary as five nights of Freddie’s but it tends to scare a person emotionally soooooo lol okay. I’ve asked Bryan to watch Flowey’s boss fight but he didn’t want to cuz he kinda didn’t want spoilers and like wanted to watch it in order. but oh well, in the end, he spent his money on undertale and he didn’t play the game apparently cuz he didn’t found it fun as he watched all the spoilers and now finding it boring with. I asked him to play geno but he also didn’t want to screw to game up. he wanted to start with pacific/neutral but he found it boring so sighhhhh.

 19/02

it was grading today I was vvvv nervousss. it is like legit my grading in 10years. And apparently now is non contact???? contact used to be allowed in sparring for gradings welllll. so I was huhhhh no head kick huhhh and also went like waitttt no contact???? Kim mdm heard me and she like snapped at me saying: yes laa u so long never grading meh? (well I wanted to talk back and said like welll it has been 10years since my last grading, but hahahaha no balls) no beef with kim mdm shes nice, im okay with her but I think she was triggered during that grading day. There was this girl, like I don’t personally know her (ig name aka beaticecwl??????) but she asked kim mdm smthing and idk what kim mdm snapped back but I saw this Beatrice mouthing wtf as she looked away lmaoo. still no beef with her tho I’m totally alright with her.

And then for grading, I made this mistake for my red belt pattern I screwed up like wtf omg I didn’t put my feet close tgt and that Indian judge/referee ( lmao idk what to call him) pointed out my mistake and I was like shittttttt.

after that, i had to sparr with this another girl and then sparr with RAPHAELLLL?????? I was like wtf what this fucking Indian guy doing. even it is like a non contact thing its like wtfff still unfairrr. also after i was done with the whole thing, everyone told me like that indian guy kept looking at me. so much so that he missed joseph doing some fancy kick, i forgot what kick he did but lmao that Indian guy, fking black face, like this means two ways but hahahaha ok.

After grading i just went to bishan library to study with him. it was like a vvv nice library okay next time i wna study with Bryan there.

 20/02

exams are tmr and I know no matter how much I study now, I still will fail lmaoooo sighhhhh. But anyways Bryan and I ended upp shopping at bishan and welppppp we bought lego characters tgttt yayyy. the lego store was like closing down so it had sales .and omg lego characs are fucking cute I cannot I want more of them but what is money :’)

Edit: so our first lego charcater we got tgt was supergirl and superman heheheeeee

 21/02

The first thing I woke up was to remember that it was Justin’s birthday. although like we don’t even talk anymore and I also can’t ignore the fact that Justin hates me,but I still rmb the days when he was a vvvvv good friend of mine and I guess i really appreciated him sooo :’) i wished him hbdae and like well, he didn’t even want a convo with me he just replied: errr okay thanks. oh wellll.

well so im officially done with math exam, i didnt do well i guess, but i couldnt say i did bad either,i did mehhhh, maybe a fail or a boderline pass. idk lmao i hope i pass for math :)))

Also today I saw Xavier in nyp at first I was kinda excited seeing an old classmate so i rushed in and called his name and said hi before even thinking. well i wasat least expecting a fake smile and a hi, but instead he just turned around, saw me, and went like, “oh, ewwww?”. and then at that moment Bryan was also there and i feel so bad like idc if I’m exaggerating but like I felt ugly immediately like wtf Xavier is a piece of shit i wish that he would die lmao. he’s a fucked up fuckboy like wtf he dumped his ex for another girl in poly Xavier should die. so anyways after he said likee “ewwww” I’ve never felt so ugly in my life before like tbh i want to cover my face and just dig a hole and cry in the toilet. im like insecure and the way he Xavier replied me; I just wanted to kill him. i got fucking angry while im feeling also fucking lousy about myself. I wanted to like run to xavier and smack his girlfriend although she did nothing then punch the hell out of xavier. but lmao i have no balls and I rmbered that xavier is some muay thai champion somewhere lmao idc and he has a lot of yaknoooowww friends so i shouldn’t like mess with him and stuff. but at my end ,i was like near to my tears and fuck ive never hated Xavier this much before like what did I seriously do to Xavier back in sec sch.

like back in sec sch, at a point of time when all the boys were making fun of me and stuff I was a little disappointed and upset that Geralyn was still talking and having fun with those boys. like esp Xavier and Christopher. like tbvvvvh i just stopped hanging out with them for awhile cuz like everyone found christopher cute and goodlooking, and chrisopther was making fun of me and stuff.

okay, I’ve never talked about this before and I really don’t want to but I guess I should like just say it. so it was Christopher who started making fun of me. I never knew why but I guess because I dated his brother K and well. maybe they both salty so they want to make my life a living hell. and at first, everyone else was okay with me. and Christopher, being a goodlooking guy, he became popular and well more guy wanted to like click and hang out with him. so to gain more attention Christopher decided to make fun of me more so he can bring me down and make himself look better. and also dianwei, he never had any friends so he had to also make fun of me so he could click with Christopher. I seriously don’t blame them, like they did this to survive school LMAO I BLAME THEM THEY CAN JUST DIE LMAO UNTIL NOW I HOLD GRUDGES. I WAS LITERALLY BULLIED LOL I DONT WANT TO SAY ‘BULLY’ CUZ LIKE FUCK IM SO ANGRY TYPING THIS RN. but yea after the end of sec 4 I just finally asked jashap and euan like: why do the guys in class hate me so much, what did I ever do to them and why are they just so mean to me. Then jashap and euan said like: “ is not I say one ah, the rest of the guys said that they don’t like you cuz you think you cute, but I think it’s a bullshit excuse la. you sometimes think you cute but I think Geralyn worse ley. I only think you cocky in sports but that’s all right cuz you’re really good and I understand if you get a little cocky.” and I srsly think it’s a bullshit excuse also.

I just feel insecure la. like if this wouldn’t happen in sec sch I wouldn’t be so insecure I will be like fucking confident, ill know my worth welllll i know I’m just decent looking i mean like seriously i dont wna tell myself otherwise but i tend to tell myself that im ugly and stuff. nvm i dont even understand myself rn. anyways even when Dianwei, xavier and christopher were making fun of me geralyn,wuli and emilyn always seemed to have fun with those boys and they always hangout and im always felt left out. cuz if i try to like join them christopher ,D and X will always like: eh, can ask her go away. fuck them even after i go away they W,G&E will still talk with the boys and im like nvm.

 And then everytime i try to tell geralyn how i feel, like: eh geralyn im sad and blahblahblah, then she would like brush it off and reply things like: its okay laaa. and ill be like (in my brain: WHAT DO U MEAN ITS OKAY LOLLL) Ookay i cant blame gerlayn. Shes pretty, everyone wants to hangout with her, be her friend. all the guys wants to talk with her and stuff. so i cant really blame her when she has to choose sides like me or the guys. and i know geralyn is a nice girl and she wont just give up on one side. She will like try to make continue being friends with both side. and i think this would one day bring Geralyn to her downfall. Like for geralyn, she must stop being so nice and seriously choose a side she thinks benefit her. she cannot choose 2 conflicting sides and make freinds with both like its really difficult to to see each other fight while youre friends with both. even if history were to repeat again, i would want geralyn to pick a side. even she would stop being friends with me i rather have it that way then she try to be friends with 2 conflicting side. i would understand geralyn if she didnt pick me and i wouldnt blame her, really.

  23/2

Today is Tammy’s bdae and shes also a vvv good friend. well we dont talk much anymore. but we used to click with each other since she was into horoscopes, anime and welllllll same stuff as meeee???

well bryan and i also decided to study today at bishan library and instead we went shopping again like omg istg we have the worst self control ever. we decided to just watch the SAO movie, the ordinal scale one. Anyways we went to that lego shop on sale again before the movie started and i bought batgirl and batman, bryan bought batman, joker & a box of nexo knights lego set. lmao istg bryan is still like a cute little kid. you should see his face when he fixes legos its just so cute lmaoooo. right now i just want to collect alot of lego characters omgggg welpppppp

after i went home,i tried studying for cep but lmao, i was alr in like holiday mood and like even if i studied it wouldn't srsly help la.

Anyways about the sao movie it was nice like i had feels but much of it was like confusing and lmao idk but yeah it was nice but lol kirito jesus-kun againnn. I wanted to watch sao with Tammy’ for her bdae but like fuck i damn lazy and tbvh i dont want to spend time with people who are no longer close to me. like i see no reason to like hangout with them. its awkward even after yall talk out of 'how’s life been’ and its just awkward so mehhhh. like if it’s yile or wuli or geralyn, its okay and it wouldnt be as awkward. i mean, i think im awkward to like almost everyone like, i cant keep the conversation going i have nothing to say and most of the times i dont initiate the conversation and it feels like i didnt put in the effort to like talk to them but sigh oh weeeeellllsss.

(but i really studied because bryan motivated me but like i accidentaly slept at 2am. siannnn faail laaaaa

lmao repeat sem alrrrr sighurghslfdkjhfdsakf)

anyways my father is like listening to some chinese songs now like i dont understand the lyrics but the song is like so nice and touching i feel like crying

24/2

Today is like cep exam and duh i wasnt even alittle bit ready. so lmao i just did 3 conversion questions and i decided that im done with the paper. i cant even confirm that my conversions will be crrt but i was ready to fail this anyways sighhhh. i left the exam hall after an hour and went to the toilet and poo-ed. and while poo-ing i had a message from Wuli that she wanted to meet me. so yay, we met up and she passed me some care pakage thing (the pakaging was like srsly cute) so after that i walked home tgt with wuli then i walked back to the mrt to meet Bryan. And wtf it was raining heavily fuckkkkk and i couldnt go back home to take my umbrealla cuz my fking maid was at home urghas;fh;dsaf. well so i met up with Bteh to study (apparently to study) but we went to dhoby to weeb it out. Bryan got me that sonic charcater gacha from one punch man and omg its so cute. I love bteh so much like hes the sweetest thing ever (wheres that crying emoji)

anyways, i had my whatsapp updated,REGRETSSSSSS. wa is like more laggy now on my stupid xiaomi phone with all the whatsapp story and shit wtf. why everyone copy snapchat fucking lame siaaaaa.

and peeepoooo :(((((, when i went back homeeee, i realised one of my sawamura’s feet missing and im like sooo soooo soooooo saddd fuckkkk. i wna find blue tack or clay soon to make his feet.

 25/02

its a saturday and wellll my 18th bdae isnt the best but it isnt one of the worst either. The best bdae would still be like 2 years ago which was my last softball game at Nationals back in sec 4 :DDD

lmao then tzewan told me that vincent made fun of me during lecture and well i cant believe he did that but oh weellll not everyone can be trusted. so much for trusting him and being such a good friend. i dont wna brag, but he fucking wouldnt get tgt with his ex if it wasnt for my help lmao what a bitch. i also realised that zane, vincent esp aloy didnt quite like a girl hanging out with them, so well i get left out everytime too. yaknow, after this, i feel that history might be repeating itself. first in sec sch, now in poly. isit like really my fault? like seriously, where did i went wrong. i mean i never had the same problem with girls before. but i didnt really quite like hanging out with girls soooo. its either im a loner arnd sch or i hang out with guys and end up having problems like this. so i told bryan like abt the whole thing abt vincent and then he got angry because he wanted me like to make a police report of him giving me sexual harassment HAHA out of revenge( vincent asked for sex like twice ). but lmao i no balls so bryan got angry. Bryan’s kinda cute when he get’s angry

only sometimes tho. actually last sem i was extremely motivated not to fail anything cuz i rlly dont want to like remodule and get seperated from jeffrey and vincent but oh well. now i dont mind remoduling cuz V,A and Z doesnt mean anything to me now.

 and just when i thought i was gg to have a bad bdae, because of fucking vincent, well apparently i have other friends that would cheer me up. Bryan tried cheering me up, and i enjoyed the meal with my family too.

but tkd ppl made everything bttr like most of them wished me hbdae and yayyyyy it made me happpy soo :DDDD ck also sent a pm and like thats damn cute of ck to do soooo.

but like,im kinda salty and i envy how everyone bought regine a stuff toy and like celebrated and bought her a small cake like okayyyyyyy. LIKE I DONT GET IT IM CLOSER THAN YALL THEN REGINE IS TO YALL WTFFFFFFF. okayyy nvmmmmm

welllll i told my father i want to start learn how to crochet (so i also can make bryan stuff) he let me spent like alot items in daiso to buy yarns and stuff yayyyyyy.

 26/27 of feb

I sneaked out of my house to see bryan. he ubered to aljunied’s mcd and he actually bought a star wars lego set and some rabbit woman from the batman lego movie. Well, we went to some void deck and he started fixing the lego thingy again. idk but he looks fucking cute when he does that?????

but okayyyy after that we ubered back to tpy and I waited for bryan to go back and shower until 5am. so like we didnt sleep the whole night and i feIt kinda guilty cuz it was like bryan’s exam and he was tired af. so after Bryan’s OC exam we went shopping and we went to like more lego shops and bought more lego characters :DDDDDDD like omg all i want to do now is to like collect lego characters :DDDDD and like we had to feel each packet for batman. i found harley quinn and yayyy. I also felt for a few batmans and yayyy i got someee. and andddd my junior said that she had all the harley quinns and she wanted to give it to me so yayyyyyyyy

 28/02

so today is my last paper, it’s fucking ipc and lmaoooo im not ready for it. okay so i left the exam hall after an hour lmao its a sure fail i dont even know how to do anything.

BUT YAY exams are over and I can finally haveee funnnnn. So we went to like tpy’s the singpost thingy. Bryan was like gna collect smthing and I thought he was gg to get the phone cover that he bought. well turns out the parcel was for me its like something he bought for my bdae :DDDDD and like we went to pastamania to eat. fuckkkk i was like vvvvvv excited to open the thinggg. the pakaging felt like that it might be a mug. well, i gget to open the pakaging before eating andddddddddddd IM LIKE SO HAPPY Bryan got me a Toriel figure frm Undertale like fuck it’s so cute istg. I didn’t like really expect anything for my bdaeee presyy????? like I thought he gave me the sonic gacha alrrrrr. but tbh im afraid he spent quite alot money on me so urghksdhlkhfkdsf. AND I FOUND OUT THE SHOES COST HIM $200+ NOT $100+ FUCKKKK BRYAN WHY

So since we wanted discounts on the lego stuff we buy frm the lego store, we went to watch the batman lego movieee. so like if u show your ticket, you can become a member and you’ll have like 10???20??% off for like discounttt???? but yeahhhh Bryan got a membership and yayyyy. The movie was vvv funny and cute like omg I like Joker the most he’s damn cute????

fuck i bet this thingy is gna have alot of typo error i didnt even check the 3rd time but whatev i wanted to post it for a vvv long time but ok idc anymo :D

dont ask me why im spamming here with lego gifs they are fking cute okaiiiiii