#There's something funny to me about how in the New Wish timeline Dusty would be born while C and W are time traveling

[fountainpenguin]

130 Reasons Why I'm Fairy Trash

💗 Pink Train Arc

(July 2016 - Ongoing)

"You just couldn't resist the giant hippo wish, could you?" "Hey, you didn't argue then. Did you have a better way to block the portal door without destroying it and upsetting Poof?" "Fingerprint scanners! Always go for the fingerprint scanners!" "But that's so overplayed."

- Fluff, Drama, & Angst

- Prompts related to the main cast and associates: Timmy, Cosmo, Wanda, Chloe, Kevin, their parents, Blonda, Schnozmo, Trixie, Jimmy Neutron, Sparky, and human OCs like Hadley

- Poof's arc is in Lavender Train, Remy and Juandissimo in Yellow Train, Dale in Tan Train, Gary and Crocker in Purple Train, and Mark, Vicky, and Tootie are in Green Train

Summary

Timmy is an average kid with an overactive imagination... Ask anyone, though no one understands. He's still hoping for several more warm and cozy years with his fairy family. After all he's done for Fairy World, doesn't he deserve a break? Poof's left home for the Spellementary dorms. Chloe now holds custody of Cosmo and Wanda on even-numbered days, leaving Timmy with the odds. Kevin and Molly are struggling as step-siblings, but what else is new? Daily life necessitates juggling friends, back-up friends, love interests, aggressive teachers, bullies, babysitters, a puppy with a shady past... ... Well, one thing's for sure: there's never a dull moment in Dimmsdale!

Rated Gen and T

Read on FFN | Read this arc on AO3

130 Sums | Full 130 Prompt Series (AO3) | Other Arcs

Cloudlands AU - Detailed warnings & other AU info

#130 arc guides - More posts like this

More Fairly OddParents 'fics

Highlights of this arc:

- Imaginary Gary watches Timmy make new friends. This is fine. - After a time-travel escapade to dinosaur times, Wanda and Cosmo are scolded by the Pixies and then thoroughly washed down to prevent an outbreak of ancient bacteria. - Wanda struggles to connect with her...... Well, that celebrity kid Blonda's looking after. Westley Periwinkle, was it? - Time for Timmy to find a gift for the Fairy Reunion gift exchange is running out, and Gray Tuesday may be his last hope- even if today is for Pixies what Friday the 13th is for Anti-Fairies. - Timmy steals Lazy-Eye Larry’s engagement ring back from his ex-fiancée in return for $70. See also, “Dimmsdale Daze.” - Wanda leaves a 14% tip for a waiter, then feels guilty and breaks into his house to leave the other 6%. See also, “Fairly Old Parent.” - In the far future, Cosmo and Wanda look after an unusual godkid: a giant centipede alien on a frozen planet - Cosmo reluctantly allows teen Poof to drive his car.

Read on FFN | Read this arc on AO3

"Tell me that I've been a louse and a loafer- You won't get a fight here, no ma'am! Say I'm a goldbrick, a goof-off, no good... but that couldn't be all that I am..." (x)

[thiswasinevitableid]

I had a terrible thought. I want to preface this by saying that I have a difficult time starting new fics when I finish one that I love, even if I’m excited to read it. After reading Metamorphosis, it was difficult to start Falling, and now I am having a similar issue with M&M. Though I enjoy it already and am rooting for the couples! This made me think of reincarnation aus. What if Indrid knew Duck’s soul in a previous life of the latter, but after losing him had to go on?

In addition, Indrid is overjoyed when he realizes he’s finally found Duck again?

Apparently, I’m in a “what if” mood? I was thinking about how Indrid views so many timelines, the way Garnet does. How you mentioned in various parts of the Falling series. What if Duck does follow the “canonical” path, right up until he’s about to leave for Brazil? Indrid living their life through visions of what could have been? BUT THEN, because I can’t stand sad endings, Duck suddenly regains his memories(via your personal choice of magical means) and....(ran out of space)

Okay, so this is wild: A week ago, I was thinking about how I’d do a soulmates/Reincarnation story, because those AUs are not my jam but I was procrastinating (side note: I too struggle to move from one story to another when I read; your brain has to finish the rinse cycle on the universe you were in before starting on the next one)

Behind the cut for angst (with a happy ending) and, perhaps obviously, mentions of death. The fics I reference (for those who spot them) do not, canonically, relate to each other like this but since we’re playing “what if?...

Indrid Cold hangs up the phone.

See you tomorrow?

Is that all he could really think of? But then again, Leo had been in danger prior to that and the whole tree mess is wrecking havoc on his mind. But then again, what could he have said.

Over a century ago, in another life, you hunted me when all my failures turned me to self interest?

Nearly a century ago, I told fortunes in dusty tents and lifted heavy things for their amusement?

As soon as I heard your voice, I knew it was you?

He shakes his head; maybe he’s wrong. Maybe Duck isn’t the man he has loved and lost twice over in his time on earth. Maybe his intuition and visions are wrong.

------------------------------

They’re not wrong. This helps him very little. Because while he remembers, Duck does not. He watches the disgust on his face at the state of the trailer, the fear when he removes his glasses.

Yes, the mess has gotten rather bad. But the first time we met was in a cave.

Please don’t be afraid of me. Please remember all the times you lay in these spindly arms, wrapped in my wings.

Please remember.

Duck saving Billy is so familiar. So like him, and when Indrid sees the argument between him and Minerva play out in the futures hes awash with pride. Stubborn and kind, not nearly as bloodthirsty as fate wishes him to be.

Strong too, if the punch is any indication. 

“I’m gonna save the Mothman.”

You remember. Some part of you remembers. You thought to save me before anything.

“That’s the whole tourism industry of Point Pleasant right there.”

Well, fuck me I guess.

-----------------------------------------------------------

He sits in the trailer for a week after the tree is destroyed. There are futures where Duck comes to apologize, to check on him, to ask for his help.

No matter how many times he plays them over, they do not materialize.

He can’t force the issue. He can’t. He can’t bring himself to go see Duck. The last time, while he never remembered, he seemed as drawn to Indrid as Indrid was to him, their loving blooming naturally as they traveled together.

Duck Newton has fought fate all his life. He’s been hounded to take up a destiny he did not want. Indrid will not be another voice yammering about fate and destiny in his ear. The man he loved, the man he could easily love again, deserves better.

He starts the trailer, and pulls away from the forest.

--------------------------------------------------

The images of the end play out, over and over, as he drives. He tries to drown them out with the timelines he cherishes that never came to be; Duck falling asleep in his arms, Duck kissing him in the snow, Duck seeking him out when everything went to hell.

“It could use some work.”

I will not allow the Quell to take you. Even if you never remember me, never love me, are never even my friend.

--------------------------------------------------

His wings ache, still sore from where something bit them during the fight. He’s staying at the Lodge while the Bago gets repaired (a Quell Rhino went straight through it). Outside he hears Duck laughing, Minivera’s booming laugh underscoring it.

I really did not see that one coming.

Duck is excited for Brazil. He is excited to be with Minerva. He is excited for his future, and Indrid would never, ever, ever take that from him.

“I do not wish to be apart from you. My life has more color, more substance, more futures in it when I am with you. I love you, and I want to stay by your side for as long as you’ll have me. You seem to feel the same about me and wish me to stay. I’m proposing a way that can be true.”

“You’re askin' me to marry you?” Indrid gives the smallest nod as confirmation. His lover turns the ring over in his fingers.

“Well?” Indrids' voice is soft, shy, unsure.

“Mr. Cold, I do believe I’ll accept your proposal.” He slips the ring onto his finger, holds up his hand and watches Indrid slump forward on the table in relief.

Two out of three meetings lead to love, that is more than he could ever dreamed of.

 “Is that what you’d like? For me to carry you away?” Indrid brushes their noses together.

 “So goddamn much.” The strong-man closes the half-inch between them. It’s as gentle and as tender as first kiss ought to be, their lips learning the shape of each other and teasing at the promise of more.

 When Indrid pulls back, pressing their joined hands to his cheek, he whispers, “simply say the word, and it will be so.”

He can’t go back to Sylvain. What good is a seer who can’t let go of the past?

---------------------------------------------

“Indrid? Oh, there you are buddy.” Duck grins at him, setting the box down on the small table in the trailer, “this was stuff they had to move when they were fixin’ it. Didn’t want to chuck it without lettin’ you look through it.”

“Thank you, Duck.” Indrid begins emptying the box, and Duck helps him, setting things in to neat piles.

“Are you excited for your journey?”

“Uh. Yeah, uh, hell, fuck, hell yeah.”

Indrid looks at him, worried.

“I’m havin’ second thoughts. And Minnie and I done nothin’ but fight the last three days.”

“All couples do, I am told.”

“Yeah but this, these feel like bigger fights. Things we need to hash out before we move to totally new fuckin continent.”

“Perhaps you can defer your work? That would give you time to work things out.”

“Ain’t sure that’s a--shit!” The sketchbook turns out to be a stack of loose papers, and they tumble from Duck’s hands. The ranger kneels down along with Indrid, and as they gather them up, Duck’s hands slow.

“Indrid? Why are these all of me?”

With horror, he sees the futures that did not come to pass, but that he drew anyway so he could look at them, held in Duck’s hands.

“They, ah, they were just futures. You must have been having a busy day, or, or something.”

“Hold up, they ain’t just of me. Seems like there’s a lot of us, uh, together. Really together.” Duck blushes, setting aside a page in a hurry as Indrid wills the floor to open up and swallow him.

“As I said, just futures.”

“Futures you wanted?”

“I, ah, I...”

“Wait, how old is this one? Did you so somethin funny to the paper?” Duck holds up the brown and brittle page.

“Huh. That fella looks like me if I were, I dunno, dressin up like a cowboy.”

“Sheriff.” Indrid corrects softly, “that was sheriff Jake Ellis. I man I loved many, many years ago. As far as I can surmise, he is a past life of yours. There was another in between who I, ah, I also loved. Who was also you.”

“........What the fuck?”

“A reasonable reaction. You should go.”

“Wait, Indrid, why didn’t you say nothin?”

“Would you have honestly enjoyed someone saying ‘by the by, we were lovers in two of your past lives, I already feel myself growing attached to you, so please date me because this feels like fate?”

“Okay, fair point, I woulda hated that. Why not stick around then, be my friend, lemme get to know you?”

“You deserved better than my lurking in the shadows in hopes of you loving me.”

“Indrid-”

“Please leave.“ Indrid points to the door. Duck hesitates, then stands and exits the trailer, gait subdued.

----------------------------------------------------

Duck hears the sad chirring start as soon as the door shuts. He turns, heading into the woods. He needs some time to think.

----------------------------------------------------------

It cant be

“Duck? Your, your flight, you missed it.” It’s been a month since he last saw the ranger.

“Yeah. And, uh, Minerva’s stayin with Leo for a bit. Had some things I wanted to sort out in Kepler before I did anythin’ else.”

“Please don’t tell me this is due to my drawings. I cannot bear the thought of you setting aside your life on the off-chance you might come to love me.”

Duck shifts side to side, “Are you at least willin to give me a chance?” He holds out his hand.

Indrid looks at the futures, but they’re too jumbled by his own indecision to be much help.

“Very well. Two months. If you still feel nothing more than friendship for me after that, please promise me you'll forget about me.”

Duck nods, takes his head, “Deal.”

---------------------------------------------

Indrid yawns, pads into the living room still half-asleep. Waiting for him on the table is a vase of flowers and a mega-pack of fruit gushers, along with a note.

Happy six months, darlin. See you tonight.

-Love, Duck.

[carly-they-jepsen]

Canon Compliant Daisuga Fic Recs

For @volleygifs and her anon!

I’ve read all 35 of the fics on this list, and I highly recommend all of them. They’re all rated General-Mature, and are mostly one-shots.

Coming Out of the Cupboard (6.7k) (G) (dancingwithwings)

"He finds out later that the angel’s name is Sugawara Koushi and he isn’t really an angel after all: he cracks scandalous jokes and grins like the devil himself, and loves shrimp onigiri more than anything else in the world.

Daichi likes shrimp onigiri too, he decides, but not as much as he likes Sugawara Koushi."

In which the infamous Karasuno storage cupboard helps to solve quite a few of Daichi's problems, Suga being one of them.

Love and Other Dumb Emotions (1k) (G) (hobbit_hedgehog)

DaiSuga Week Day Three: Shy or Bold

Today's the day. Today's the day that Koushi is finally going to ask Daichi out. But why is he so nervous?

Maybe Memories (4.9k) (G) (hobbit_hedgehog)

DaiSuga Week Day Four: Past or Future

Daichi was hiding something, Koushi knew that much. He had been looking at Koushi funny all morning. For Daichi to be acting like this was highly suspect, but Koushi had a fairly good idea of what was going on. Daichi was keeping secrets, and Koushi didn't care for that shit at all.

Root of the Root (33k) (T) (SedentaryZebra) (Tw: Institutionalized Homophobia)

When an extremely famous pop star comes out as gay the day before Suga’s third year of high school begins, he thinks the only impact on his life will be the extra chocolates he will need to buy to console his mother.

He’s wrong.

The real beauty (5.4k) (M) (Ellessey) @ellessey-writes

“You’re going to love this house, Daichi,” Koushi says. He tips his chin up, so the kisses Daichi has begun to press to the crook of his neck can keep traveling upwards. “You’re going to...wonder how you ever doubted me.”

“I never doubt you,” Daichi says.

“You think our house is ugly.”

Daichi’s soft exhalation just under Koushi’s ear sends a perfect shiver down his spine. “It is ugly,” he says. “But I already love it.”

--

Their first house needs a lot of work, but Koushi loves every moment of turning it into a home with Daichi.

Exception to the rule (4.5k) (T) (Mysecretfanmoments)

In which Sugawara Koushi just so happens to belong to the .001% of guys Daichi might conceivably fall for, and it takes a confused third party for Daichi to realize it.

boys (5k) (G) (buu)

Before, if Suga had been asked to pick a type, he would have hummed and thought it over, maybe said something vague like “nice eyes” or “nice legs” or “a good personality”. Now, he can only think “Daichi”.

Perfectionism (2.9k) (T) (Mysecretfanmoments)

“I just wish it was something you could practice before you have to… perform.” He narrows his eyes, imagining it. “Like a CPR class.”

Suga raises an eyebrow. “You want to practice it. Beforehand.”

“Yeah. Are you offering?”

((Daichi doesn't like to be bad at things--kissing included--and Suga is willing to help him practice.))

we are teenage hearts (3.7k) (G) (Pyrahus)

Daichi one day realizes that he does indeed see Suga as more than a friend -after the entire team figured it out ages ago- and contemplates how to ask his vice-captain out, while having to deal with his unruly kouhai and Nekoma.

you're good where you are (3.5k) (M) (Mysecretfanmoments)

Daichi’s legs look good in shorts.

It’s an unnecessary statement, like "trees are plants" or "the earth orbits the sun", but it keeps on surprising Koushi just how good they look in shorts; he thanks his lucky stars every day for whatever it was that led Daichi to pick up volleyball when he was a kid.

((a day in the life of Sugawara Koushi))

i do (cherish you) (3k) (T) (gabstar)

The first time Daichi suggests it, it’s a joke.

“Sugawara Koushi,” he says solemnly. He’s bent on one knee, the floor is still sticky with sweat post-practice. He offers up the lost ring, found while mopping off gym floors. “Will you marry me?”

((Five times Daichi asks Suga to marry him, plus once where he finally, finally says yes.))

Flybys and Landings (2.9k) (T) (sterlinglee)

When Daichi's behavior takes a turn for the strange, Suga attempts damage control because that's what Suga does. He doesn't know the full story, but in his defense, "your captain and best friend has decided he like-likes you" isn't the first conclusion most people come to. There's confusion, a little heartache, and certain things that fail to be said until it's nearly too late. But they make it to the same destination in the end.

love is a battlefield (and there are always casualties in war) (3.9k) (T) (skittidyne)

Tanaka and Noya had crossed a line. It had involved copious amounts of Red Bull, water balloons, food dye, one of Ennoshita’s film plots, and bad ideas. Daichi, Asahi, and Yachi had been the unfortunate victims. He didn’t want to think about it. It was a miracle Yachi hadn’t run home, crying, and quit the club. (Daichi had felt like it. Asahi tearfully threatened Noya with it.)

“I need revenge,” Daichi announced on the way home from practice.

(( or: daichi and kiyoko fake-date to get back at tanaka and noya after a particularly bad prank; everyone can see the collateral damage except for them ))

you can only take what you can carry (4.2k) (T) (skittidyne)

Suga pulled Noya down from the chair. Daichi finally decided enough was enough. He knew he was just doing it to draw him in, and damn it, it worked (just like it always worked against him), because there was no way he was letting Suga get into one of Kuroo and Bokuto’s competitions.

Suga had their libero thrown over one shoulder by the time Daichi reached them. “Daichi-san! Look!” Noya chirped, waving the arm that wasn’t wrapped around the vice-captain.

Suga put up his free arm, flexing, and gave Daichi a wink.

(( or, alternatively: "do you even lift, bro?" ))

Kiss it Better, Captain (6k) (M) (utsu)

In which Koushi realizes that it's okay to be human.

**(This is the one fic on the list that is untagged borderline E smut)

The Captain and his Vice (Series) (145k) (G-M) (Crollalanza)

Daisuga stories that follow the same canon. They're not necessarily in timeline order as some span several years. and it's not entirely necessary to read them in this order. The majority of my HQ stories follow the same canon, and will intercept at certain points. Enjoy.

**(Mature fics do get smutty, but they are tagged.)

winner in the whirlwind (7k) (T) (tothemoon)

In which Suga beats Daichi at games and the latter finds someone to cherish.

(Or, snippets of encouragement and care under the guise of foot races, mischievous bets, and late night sessions of Mario Kart.)

just tell me how to get it straightforward (635) (G) (astroturfwars)

They don't need words. They never have. It's always been just them, heart to heart and eye to eye, and Daichi is as convinced of that as he is of the anxious thrumming of his blood.

Or: Daichi isn't so good at expressing himself, but that's never really mattered for Suga.

pride (4.4k) (T) (owlinaminor)

Daichi knows that Hinata accidentally called him ‘Dad’ once, and Suga often teases him about parenting the first-years, but this is just ridiculous.

“I’m not your dad, I’m your captain!” Daichi protests.

The cheering only increases in volume. They’re probably disturbing anyone who’s still at the school – but then, it’s New Year’s Eve. Nobody is still at the school besides Daichi’s insane, ridiculous, wonderful team.

“Okay, fine,” he says at last, raising his hands in surrender. “I’m proud to be your dad.”

Pick a Number, Any Number (3.3k) (G) (fansofcollisions)

It’s hideous. Repulsive, even. It makes Daichi want to curl up into a pretzel of existential horror.

“I call him ‘Bear’,” says Suga, smiling fondly.

when all the songs are through (5.7k) (T) (thewindraiser)

Daichi is out for lunch with some of his colleagues when he spots it.

The ring.

Halfway Between (5.3k) (T) (Skylark)

"Even if we come back here, it won't be the same.... Some things won't change, though. We'll still play volleyball. We'll still be friends."

Suga comes home in more ways than one.

Suspicious Pizza (1.2k) (T) (Pouler)

Daichi felt his heart skip a beat. Was this it? Was this the moment?

Oh… (318) (G) (myria_chan)

The first time Daiichi says his name in public. Does it have to be in front of Karasuno?

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond (5.2k) (T) (themorninglark)

Suga has learned to solve his problems, save for one.

It's their graduation day, and he's staring at it.

Burning (3.1k) (T) (DreadfulMind)

"Why do you have to make me look bad?"

Daichi scoffed, "yeah, like anyone could make you look bad,"

"Well when you're showing off your muscles like that, the rest of us are left to look like twigs," Suga tugged at the sleeves of Daichi's t-shirt, which he had rolled up around his shoulders to cool his arms down.

"It's hot, what do you expect?" he lightly slapped Suga's hand away.

"For you to not be so hot," Suga retorted easily.

They Call Me Captain Mom (4.7K) (T) (StormySteady)

Suga and Daichi make out in the gym's supply closet. This decision proves exactly as injudicious as it sounds.

(Or, the story of that one time Daichi had to take over the role of “team mom” for a few minutes while a half-naked Suga just kinda hid in the corner and giggled)

you and your dusty radio, me and my two left feet (1.1k) (T) (raewrites)

Suga already has his fingers curled into the blanket, ready to bury himself back into the welcoming warmth of sleep when a thought suddenly crosses his mind.

'It’s my birthday today.'

Sweatpants (3.5k) (T) (shady)

Daichi wears the same pair of gray sweatpants every time he spends the night, and they're driving Suga insane.

Of Course (2k) (T) (ofperspicacity)

Daichi has been acting strange for a while, and Suga isn't sure how to take it. The reason is the happiest kind of surprise.

Based on a section of "national hot dad alliance is now calling..."

First Snow (3.1k) (T) (Feelsripper)

Walking Suga home had started out as a joke between the two of them, until Daichi realized he sort of liked it way more than he should have.

Commit This to Memory (2k) (T) (shions_heart)

Daichi is in love with Suga. It just takes him a while to confess.

Mom And Dad No! (1.6k) (T) (imabignerd, kate882)

Suga and Daichi find out about the team calling them Mom and Dad behind their backs in an unfortunate way.

Look; it's You and Me (1.4k) (T) (WildKitte)

How should he say this? That he listened to a sappy love song and got so wound up around it thinking Daichi that it became unbearable to be physically separated from him?

In which Suga listens to a song.

PDA (4.3k) (T) (Veto_power_over_clocks)

Someone's leaving thimbles for (an increasingly confused) Suga. We all know how it's going to end, but what matters is getting there, isn't it?

[lady-nevermore]

Session 2

Before I begin talking about what happened in Therapy, can I just say how relieved, and am low-key/sorta glad,  that I actually managed to get a good night’s sleep last night? I actually fucking managed to go to bed early, get 8 hours of sleep, and woke up around 6 AM without feeling like I was gonna pass out from sleep-deprivation (Yess! Take that insomnia)! >:D 

Yesterday, as well as last Saturday (and even the earlier part of Today), were actually some pretty good days for me; These last couple of weekends Me and mom have been going to church for the last couple of Sundays around 6AM (most would be surprised with me being semi-religious/agnostic, but it was nice actually, calming even....) and closely afterwards we’ve been trying to make a habit of walking to our local library that’s close by (where there also happens to be a local duck pond in conjunction with said library). And Yesterday, on our way back from church, we even managed to help save this poor kitty (that had it’s head stuck in a jar). 

So yeah, woke up around 6 AM in the morn today, and took a walk with my mom to our local library. It was nice (soothing even) just walking around in the crisp cold fresh morning breeze, and looking at the reflection of the pond whilst taking in the local wildlife: ducks obviously, a couple of squirrels, robins, crows, hell we even saw a fish (Salmon I think) jump and flop back into the water like twice, as well as saw a falcon on the rooftop of the library at one point too. It was nice, seeing these animals just go about their business, frolicking and whatnot. It made me smile. :) 

We’re trying to make this a habit of sorts, (this the third time/third weekend now that we’ve done this, so far so good right) in order to help me get used to getting out of the house more often and make a ritual of getting some low-key exercise along the way.....Umm, does walking for half an hour or even an entire hour count as exercise?. lol ^^; 

Anyways, I’ve also managed to accompany my parents to the grocery store during these last past couple of weekends aswell; and yesterday, I even plucked up the courage to go with them to Lowes and helped my folks pick out and buy a new washing-machine (the last one we had, has been on it’s last/final legs for like effing years now, so this was def. a long time coming).

Hell, today, I even managed to get some spring-cleaning done and dusted the crap outta my room and living room (haven’t dusted my damn room in ages, so it’s been a long time coming) and I’m not gonna lie, but it feels so much nicer/cleaner/fresh now that it’s not soo goddamn dusty, it’s nice. ^^;

And tbh all things considered, doing all of this as of late (even if it may seem miniscule to everyone else) has all really made me feel somewhat productive, and I think that it’s helping me a lot. 

But anyways, back to the actual therapy session itself...

May 22, 2017

So, Second day of Therapy today...

And well, shit.... I mean knew it was gonna happen eventually (and here’s me thinking it was gonna take like ages for this to happen cause, if there’s one thing I really hate and can’t stand: it’s me crying in front of people, especially people I know or am emotionally attached to; it makes me feel soo fucking vulnerable, uncomfortable, exposed, and worst of all weak) but yeah, I didn’t actually think I was gonna cry this early on in our sessions (I mean we just barely got started). >_>;

...At first, My therapist just asked me how I was feeling and I told her that I was feeling nervous, nervous that during this session, we were actually gonna start digging into deeper, more emotional stuff, than the simple mere evaluation she did during our first initial session. and that’s when we started to talk and go through basically a timeline of my entire life up to this point so to speak.

- Age 5-6: Emotionally (and sometimes physically abused) by my Aunt whom was living/sharing a household with me, my parents, her husband and son at the time, let’s call her “Aunt C”; I felt like I was living in a broken home, a household full of domestic fighting (screaming matches) between my poor victimised mom and my poor excuse of an aunt who was basically a control freak and snapped / flew off the handle at every little thing. My parents were always working hard trying to make ends meet, they weren’t intentionally neglecting me or anything like that, they are good decent people (we grew up poor), but they just never really had the luxury or time to be spending time with me let alone take care of me (and so left me in my Aunt’s care cause they had no choice and it was convenient). The fighting was so bad that at one point I remember being horrified and in a state of utter shock as my “Aunt C” held my mom up against the wall with her hand around her throat (the memory of My Aunt almost attempting to strangle my mother will forever be burned in my mind). My younger self took refuge at school, My therapist says that due to the fact that I didn’t feel safe (nor was I getting enough consistent: love, attention, etc), that I started to block out everything that was happening at home via focusing on my school life, and thereby using my teachers and friends as substitute parental figures and family respectfully, in order to fill the void of what lacked in my home-life (I’ve done this all the way up till high school, I always consider my teachers as parental figures, adults I could legit trust, and each group of friends as my second/replacement family of sorts)....My therapist ain’t wrong: That’s why I always loved going to school, why my friends were the bright lights in my life from elementary school all the way up till high-school, and why I felt so damn attached to my teachers growing up, even all the way up till I graduated from High-School, to me they were my heroes (and it’s the main reason I wanted to become a teacher myself growing up.......and why I personally took one of my Teacher’s/Mentor’s/Old Friend’s death/passing soo damn hard during the year 2011, well that, and because  I was actually a close friend to them, as well). 

But none of that made me cry what struck a nerve, what really effing struck a nerve was the fact that when I was a Junior during High School, my dad had heart surgery (I was around 16 at the time), and my dad needed my mom to stay close to him (cause he was really scared and felt helpless without her), and I ended up staying at my “Aunt C” and her family’s house for a while.... And see here’s the thing, Aunt C has a son (my cousin) and I remember him telling me that he felt like i bullied him when we were kids, and in my mind we were just rough-housing, messing around as kids do when they’re 5-6.....He was serious when he told me he felt like I bullied him, and I felt absolutely fucking disgusted with myself, like sick to my stomach disgusted with myself, because in my mind I resent being put in the same category as my Aunt C or even being compared to her; because I always and will forever visualize/connect bullying with abuse (that and I personally hate the idea of people hurting other people; this all thank’s to my Aunt C).....funny how things came back full circle huh?......But anyways, when my cousin told me this, I apologized, and sincerely too....it was a serious moment between the two of us (because my voice started to crack with emotion, from tearing up in front of him), he accepted my apology and we never spoke of the incident again. 

When I was explaining all of this to my Therapist, I didn’t even realizing  i started to cry (like the silent, suffer in silence type of crying too); what really made me cry harder and struck a nerve was that she told me (after me telling her that I wished I would have known better as kid) was that it wasn’t my fault, that I shouldn’t be blaming 5-6 year old me for something that I wasn’t even mature enough to truly comprehend in regards to my actions and their respective consequences/repercussions.....I thought that I already made my peace with all of this in the past.....but to be honest, I think that really I needed to hear that from my Therapist. 

We talked a lot about other moments in my life as well, like when I was 7 years old, my parents had left me with my godparents for like a week, and this was during Summer Vacation mind you (cause they didn't want me near my Aunt C anymore, and they were scrambling, looking for another place to live); I felt abandoned, like my parents abandoned me; my silly 7 year old self couldn’t emotionally comprehend what was happening, and didn't realize that it was only a mere short week( but in my mind at the time, it felt like months)....That was the first time I ever had a panic attack, the night my parents left me with my godparents (my godparents are and were good people mind you, I just wasn’t close or didn;t really know them all too well at the time). 

We also talked about My High school Graduation, and how I noted that i felt depressed, sad, alone, and how I felt somewhat distant/abandoned by my friends (which I obviously blamed myself for); and how afterwards Grad-Night (they still do these nowadays right?) first kicked off my insomnia. -___-;

And the fact that one of the reasons why I feel so anxious is the fact that I’m afraid of encountering or spontaneously meeting up with some of my old teachers or high school friends, She asked me why I felt like this; and I said it was mostly because, I was mostly known as the straight A student, a teacher’s pets; and that these people had high hopes for me, hell I had high hopes for me; and that I’m afraid of feeling their disappointment, anger, rejection, of the the fact that I wasted my life after high-school, that and well.......that I’m also ashamed that I cut them all out of my life after I fell into a deep deep depression and had a mental/nervous breakdown (after my Mentor/Teacher/Friend passed away, and me shortly after failing all of my college classes, and dropping out of community college). Because if there is one thing I value above all else: it’s Loyalty and Friendship (I also told her that i’ve always had trouble keeping friendships in the past due to my trust issues, that stem mostly from my abusement from my Aunt C...cause if you can’t even trust family, how can i trust anyone else; but trust me, I fight against that anxiety-filled reflex as hard as i can, in order to still continue to strive and open-up/connect with people, especially those i consider and am honored to call: friend). 

But the second thing that made me cry was the fact that My Therapist told me that she thinks that I’m a really strong person for willing to try to come to therapy in order to get better, and that I still had my whole life ahead of me (I’m 25 mind you, am a college dropout, doesn’t know how to drive, still live with my folks who deserve a better daughter than me, never even had a job before and am housebound, and all of this makes me feel like a goddamn failure), and that it wasn’t too late......hearing someone else besides my parents tell me this, solidified the possibility of there being some actual truth to what she was saying, that there was actually hope, and that was what made me cry, because of nigh possibility that there was still fucking hope for me.....well, that and that it might not be too late for me to reconnect with some of my old high-school friends from the past, even if it’s been 8 years too late (this one still scares the crap out of me mostly for fear of confronting them, their rejection and disappointment, facing their anger, etc). 

....After a while, she told me that I placed waaay too many high expectations of myself (am too damn hard on myself) and she told me, that, that is my anxiety talking not, me.

And that she was glad to hear that I started putting in the effort of me trying to voluntarily going with my parents to the grocery store during the weekends (these past three weekends), as well as that fact that me and my mom have been trying to go to church, and take walks near our local library (you know the one with the duck pond). 

Feeling sorta drained right now, gonna try to head to bed at 10:30 or 11 PM, in order to wake up early again (really need and want to kick my insomnia’s ass)....I’m sure there are loads of stuff I forgot to mention, or that I accidently skipped...If remember, I’ll probably do another one of these blog posts, and call it: “Therapy Session 2 Part 2″ or something like that. heh xP

- Lady Nevermore