#Then you'll just feel guilty
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*SOBBING*
#I want to hug him so fucking bad#You CANNOT complain about your parents around him#Then you'll just feel guilty#This man has been through so much#Pokemon#Pokemon scarlet#Pokemon sv#pokemon scarlet and violet#pokemon sv arven#Pokemon arven#pokemon sv epilogue#Pokemon sv epilogue spoilers#muffins posting#mochi mayhem
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OK
so, I'm really really sorry to anyone who's sent me an ask that has gone unanswered.
I have like, 17 asks in my inbox and some of them were art requests (and good ones), some of them were comments about Snoots that I wanted to draw doodles for, and some of them were just messages, but I've been avoiding my inbox because of some unknown reason and now it's stressing me ouuuttt😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫
Some of these askes span back to OCTOBER. 2023. AAAHHH
SO. I'm going to keep some of the art requests on my own little to-do list, but for my sanity's sake, I need to clear out my inbox.
Idk why this is stressing me out so much, but I've had like, inbox paralysis for months and then I feel guilty for posting things when I have 17 unanswered asks and then I avoid it more and then as soon as I answer one I get another and AHHH.
now LISTEN. I LOVE ASKS. it's just my time of the month so I'm acting super extra and now I have to DELETE FOR MY SANITY.
Feel free to still send me asks, I just need a clean slate.
ANYWAYS I LOVE YOU ALL❤️❤️❤️ GOODBYE IM GOING TO DRAW LEGEND WHUMP FOR THE NEXT WEEK STRAIGHT HEHE
#ive been debating clearing my inbox for a while#but then I feel sooo guilty#because people cared enough to send me asks!#and its so sweet and I love them#but y'know how you'll see a text but then you don't respond right away#and then days pass#and you know you still haven't answered#so you try to think of an excuse to give#but then you forget to give your excuse in a timely manner#and then it becomes so late that you just can't answer anymore#like#even if you finally answer the text#its too late#so now it just sits in your text history#to mock you#its that#my Tumblr inbox is mocking me#and this is my ✨easy out✨#acknowledging that I am trash at responding#and starting over#because I can#tell me this whole rant doesn't scream conflict avoidant lol#i dare you haha#AH#ive literally stared at this post for 10 minutes because I feel so guilty
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me when I'm brave
#writing an email apologizing for a thing that happened that i feel so guilty about that it makes me sick !#but im apologizing instead of hiding away because im a brave responsible adult or whatever. and i gotta do scary and hard things bc it's th#best thing i can do in this situation#augwhauhahhggh#i still think of myself as a kid but im a legal adult and i have responsibilities and relationships to maintain and i have to be the one to#do that. im not a kid and i dont want to be treated as such so i have to do the hard bits of it too!!!!#i cant hide behind my parents#i shouldnt hide behind my parents#i dont want to hide behind my parents#and if i want that freedom i have to prove myself and take responsibility#theres a lot more conflict to be had in this life. being brave and handling this one will give me the experience and bravery to handle more#also i learned my lesson lolllllll you Can people-please too close to the sun and it will burn#there will be consequences that are worse than if you just straight up stated your boundaries#like it works the first few times but you'll get caught eventually....#guhhhhh#its okay i learned my lesson. isn't great to be human and have experiences 👍
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...I know I'm "just" aromantic, but sometimes I really wish I could come out to my mother and it does make me sad I'll never be able to.
#I get these thoughts every Pride Month.#I know my mother would never like...abuse me or kick me out of our house or anything like that.#so on that front I'm luckier than most.#And I know she loves me. I know she means well.#(and I admit I wish I could make at least some of the 'someday you'll be married' comments stop)#but she'd never truly understand and I know she'd still treat me Different:tm: somehow#hell I'm afraid to admit I'm aro to just about anyone#because half the time I expect to hear 'that's not a real orientation/label'#or that it's not 'good enough' to be part of the LGBT+ spectrum#it just sucks a lot to constantly have to pretend and hide an aspect of who I am that ultimately shouldn't be such a big deal#to feel fear and shame about it all the time and then feel guilty over feeling fear and shame#and yet here we are#vivimos en una sociedad#aromantic#aromanticism#croak.txt
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hooohoooohoooooo i think i need to go back to therapy im starting to have Thoughts that im too stupid for again
#sometimes i really think id like to feel something without stopping to analyse whether its fair and logical in this particular situation#but then i see someone else do that and get so frustrated and annoyed because can you not SEE how its useless and unwarranted and illogical#which is bad! this is a bad reaction! which i am beating away with a stick obv but its still there and i hate it#i wasnt always like this is the thing and i feel like its actively getting worse which is what worries me#i realised some time ago i dont actually go to therapy to Get Better. that is not really my intention deep down.#i dont need the therapist to tell me why im like this because im actually very good at connecting those dots and i like doing it actually#i feel like a private detective with a board of clues and red string. its fun. what i actually really go to therapy for#is to have someone whom i can PAY to listen to me do it because only this way i wont feel guilty about it lol#and it helps that it's a person who's smarter than me and has some actual academic knowledge that i lack#also ngl id like someone to Explain some things to me cause baby i just dont fucking get it. i dont *understand* why other people do that#and ngl its driving me crazy. its like trying to play a card game where i dont know any fucking rules and everyone else does#but the moment i ask for some i get bitchslapped. so all i know is what ive managed to Observe and its enough to survive ig#but you never know when you'll do something that seems completely normal to you and everyone at the table will start tweaking#its like the older i get the less i understand and its Weird
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something distinctly sad & frustrating internally about watching someone go through something chronically awful & similar on the face of it to your own horrors & wanting to reach out and talk to them about it to offer support & knowing that by nature of the similarity that is almost definitely the last thing they want/need & so you have to sort of watch from afar and psychically beam your words at them and hope it clicks soon
#the paradox of never wanting to be a burden. of becoming someone that doesnt annoy anyone#is that you feel guilt for talking about the pain with others#and so. you falsely but understandably think isolation will be the perfect solution#''if i isolate then im suffering but if no one hears about it no one cares and no one is bothered so i win''#is a fundamentally cruel take. is the thing. and it is so hard to accept that because of the guilt and the feeling that there is no winning#but the thing is when you isolate and suffer people are now both worried about you and feel discarded. feel hopeless. etc.#and i dont think you should do everything for others. and i think when you are making choices for others it is worth being#realistic about what you are deciding for them and knowing when it is irrational#bc the thing is people do care and that does feel uncomfortable#and you do feel guilty for people being ''bothered'' by your suffering#and i understand the instinct to say no! the point of me isolating is so you dont feel bad about me! stop caring!#thinking this is the righteous thing to say to someone when really it is just something that hurts to hear#i'm still learning it too. i'm not perfect at it. i'm chronically suicidal and always going back and forth with myself about all the horrors#two things:#1) guilt is not absolute as an indicator of rightness. learn to recognize when it is lying to you.#2) the best way to unburden yourself to others is to not kill yourself. to find hope or curiousity or whatever will keep you alive and#grab it fiercely with both hands. to start to be kind to yourself when it's hard and to at least recognize the goodness of others#instead of cruelly dismissing them. i don't think therapy is the only answer or even the best answer. i think too much is too expensive#to suggest anything that isnt something you can do on your own#and it is fucking hard and feels impossible and you'll have a lot of bad moments with it but like. i know you can get to a place where#you're not cured but you're not cruel anymore. and it gets easier from there#ugh none of this will ever get to that guy but i just really wish him the best and ill respect his wishes and not think abt it anymore#but just for the record that does hurt bc i care about people and it sucks when im not allowed to but thats his perogative and#he is his own person and i just really hope things look up for him soon bc hes cool and has nice art
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very impossible to find the balance between "i want my friends to be able to talk to me about their problems and tell me when they're struggling" and "i am extremely emotionally fragile at the moment because i'm doing very badly and talking about very heavy topics especially with no warning is not something i feel capable of dealing with right now because i'm on the verge of a violent mental breakdown"
#i guess i need to find a way of telling people that i'm in that headspace in the first place#because i probably seem completely fine#but i can't tell people those things unless they explicitly invite me to do so first#so i'm assuming everyone just looks at me and goes yeah you seem fine so i can unload all this heavy stuff on you and you'll be able to cop#but unfortunately. i cannot and i feel guilty about it#but i already have way more bad days than good and when i have to hear people talking about like#very intense personal trauma and suicide and shit#it throws me off for the rest of the day and i go nonverbal until i can go straight home and sob until i fall asleep#and that is not an exaggeration it keeps happening to me with multiple different people#i don't want anyone to feel like they have to pretend around me in any way#but i also don't know how to cope with hearing intense things like this when i'm on a knife's edge mentally all the time#and i cannot afford to keep cutting my days so much shorter when i should be working#and also like when people DO talk to me about these things it's like#it's good they can get it off their chest#but now i'm holding onto all of the stuff they've just told me as well as the stuff i was already secretly holding onto about my own life#and now i have to go home alone with nowhere to put any of it because i don't have anyone to talk to#i've had people tell me this is therapeutic to talk about this stuff#but it's not for me because i'm not talking i'm just listening and then being overwhelmed and triggered and upset about it all#and most of it probably boils down to the fact that i cannot express my own feelings or tell people my boundaries#in situations this sensitive because it's so like. precarious and awkward#but i'm like i can't deal with it all the time it's too much
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#hollyflower#shadowclan#starclan#i have umm. mixed feelings about her#she blatantly got with someone she knew had a mate (not that he's not also guilty ofc) so i really don't like that#she was a pretty decent mom to blackstar and his siblings as far as i remember#but she was also extremely dismissive of lizardstripe's concerns about motherhood and just spews that same.#same stupid ass line of 'oh well you don't know whether or not you'll have kids but you should want it bc woman'#also she says 'having kits to raise as warriors is the duty of every queen' (literally quoted word for word)#😬😬😬😬😬#so like mothwing I'm extremely split on whether or not i like her(although i definitely have more dislike for this rhetoric so probably.#probably i would prefer mothwing but ehhh they both have problems#pretty name tho
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no bc i agree i think kirishima can only handle being cool headed for so long but like does he feel bad for snapping that bad or no🤔🤔🤔🤔
(ref post here! - @/katsukikitten)
of course he does!!! ....kinda.
i mean. i think it depends of if it's really your fault or not. and the situation you're in.
Like if he snaps when you aren't aware he's in a bad mood, or you're just trying to be helpful about something, like stress or eating enough (he never means to actually make you cry) ...
but if you're picking on his nerves about something you know he doesn't like? it's not like an apology is completely out of the question......... but he's not exactly going to feel... bad, either.
gives an apology that's more like a reminder, so to say. a hug and a kiss to remind you that he loves you, but also a stern look that says "you better not do that shit again" (gee, i wonder who he learned that from?).
i also think there's, idk, maybe three/four outcomes?
the nice one where he coddles you, the mean one where he coddles you but doesn't feel bad.......... the one where he fucks the shit out of you (gentle) to make you feel better, AND the one where he fucks the shit out of you (mean) if he can't think of any other way to make it up to you AND get the message across at the same time.
it's a lil freaky.
#kirishima#he def has that weird problem where you can't tell what is too much until it's WAY too much#so you'll be giggling laughing playing with him and not realize he's at the end of his wits#this is like... if he's busy or not in the mood or whatever (not like when you're both into the play fighting)#and that's really what hurts#and yeah he feels guilty abt not being clearer (even if he does feel like you should know better)#and i also feel like ... he gets upset if u can't tell what's important to him#for ex. like staying home from work or not caring about certain things#he just can't verbalize it in other ways than yelling it out#i have no idea#sorry kitten if this ask was meant for u!!#but thanks for letting me answer anon!!!#making me crave some blood riot out here#anon#caitie things#gen
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Actually there is one thing I may legit start doing once I have my social anxiety a bit better tamped down on is when someone's telling me how their kid's just kind of a bum who doesn't have a job and hangs out in their room all day (why the fuck are you telling a stranger, once it was a nurse telling me this stuff and it's like... that's real messed up you're badmouthing your kid to a patient)
I think I'm gonna try and hit them with a "sounds to me like they may be depressed" (cause... it does)
Gonna take some work to feel like dealing with this stuff, but... I think I need to start basically trying to sound sympathetic to the parent, while also reframing it as "it sure sounds like they're struggling and could really use some support right now"
Cause once again... that is literally what it sounds like to me
You fools, you've got no idea you're talking to a fucking worthless loser. I will always go to bat for the isolated fuck up who can't get a job, cause that's just me. Don't bad mouth your kid to someone that's got more in common with you kid than with you, I know what it feels like to be in that situation, I'll always go to bat for them and think you're being a cry baby and need to grow up and actually parent
#shout out to the dental assistant who was like 'oh... you're 25? you've got plenty of time; I know you'll figure this out'#as opposed to they hygienist who was like 'oh you can't afford this toothbrush? maybe you should move back in with your mom'#like... what the fuck lady? you say that shit to a literal patient? ...you think that's good business#meanwhile the first lady... just can't express how much people like that mean to the world#I will always work to be a 'you're doing alright kid' kind of person rather than a critical jackass#and maybe some day I can work to lean on parents to make them feel a bit guilty about shitting on their kid instead of supporting them#cause they 100% should feel guilty#'but I feed them and I put a roof over their head'; yeah... that's called being a parent; that's bare minimum#I fucking do the same for my mom; and it sucks still playing parent; but even I manage to avoid guilting her#and I never had a kid; yet I'm pulling that off#you did... you can get on my level#and it's so sad you're not on my level when I'm fucking pathetic#you letting a loser be better than you? you've got less manners than some scum?#that's pretty fucking weak; that's my mom's parents tier stuff#and they were always feuding with a literal child and being made to look like fools when their plan always fucking failed#like... good job; you tricked a kid into eating banana despite not like it... and then they didn't like it and you looked dumb#that's who you people look like when you complain about your kids#I'm not saying raising a kid is easy; do I look like I want to do it?#but I'm saying once they're here... they kind of get priority now#and you never ever get to call them a burden#cause you had them; it's 100% your fault they're here; you have a duty now and you don't get to complain about them#now it can be a hard task; and you can be like... man... it's fucking killing me doing what needs to be done... it's a lot to deal with#but you don't get to treat them like a burden#...eh... I've got feelings on this#and the feelings are mostly just being pissed off about it
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i dont know what to do for ishi's birthday this year (ーー;)
#erm... i will definitely make a drawing and i also want to cook something sweet for us!! i want to make a cake for him#but its difficult to come up with ideas when im focused on my other boyfriend right now.#i will try not to feel guilty about it but i dont want it to seem like ive completely given up on ishi :(((( im just.. very uninspired#and my attention is 100% on r.ocket. and i dont want to force it on ishi because it wont be genuine#we'll see what the future has in store for us >_>#i hope you'll be able to forgive me...ishi😓
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welp back to bed with me.. beenn up for literally like 5 hours and I've been told my internship will probably fall through, though I won't know until literal days before I'm supposed to start. had to cancel what little plans I had for my birthday because of the weather and I haven't eaten anything in like 48 hours..
#vent post#you think you have some things settled and then everything just falls apart#I was fine with grilling alone with my parents and wife because at least I'd get to eat that day without feeling guilty for spending money#but since it's gonna be raining for the next week straight I think I'm just gonna cancel it all together#like wow you'll buy food to grill as a birthday present but not give me money for groceries.. just letting us starve... cool.. fuck you too#i also really wanted to go to the new queer bar for my birthday because they're doing their 1 year anniversary event the same day#but i have like... no friends#to the point that i only found out that a queer bar had been open in this town for 11 months a week ago#after a literal decade with no lgbt spaces in this part of the country#but hey what do you expect when your last interaction with an irl friend you had was “hey do y'all wanna go to this concert together”#just to be told they had bought tickets weeks in advance and didn't feel like telling you lol... last december
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it's extremely critical that you see the photo of the perp walk for luigi mangione as being propaganda. i've seen so many people wave it off and instead fawn over his looks. and trust me, i know it ended up being kind of pathetic and weird - but please don't brush it off as a "modelling opportunity" for him. it's a fucking terrifying message the police are sending.
i want to make a few comparisons here, in case you're not from the US or familiar with why the perp walk thing is something to pay attention to. just to set the groundwork for why this is a purposeful, unusual, and cruel act by the nyc police - for why this is not a common occurrence and for why that matters.
the prosecution alleges the show of force is due to the charge of "terrorism." for comparison, in june 2015, tsarnaev was found guilty for the boston marathon bombing, which killed 3 people and injured hundreds. his actions are considered to be an act of domestic terrorism. i have spent the last hour looking through google for pictures of similar to mangione's perp walk - and so far, i have found zero. i also just do not personally remember a moment like that, despite living in boston at the time.
they allege that luigi is a stone-cold killer who carried out a longterm plan, making him particularly dangerous. again for comparison: in nyc, recently cory martin was found guilty of the killing of brandy odom. the murder was planned and premeditated to steal insurance money. and yet no staged perp walk. why didn't her life matter enough for a "show of force"?
but mangione gets paraded by a veritable army of police officers as if he is a rabid animal. for a single citizen who allegedly killed one other single citizen, the "largest perp walk ever" occurs.
so what is the "strong message" that the mayor and the police were trying to send here? the mayor speaks as if mangione is already convicted of terrorism. there is a very thin number of people who feel threatened by the CEO's death. none of us felt like mangione needs to be under massive armed guard.
the message is that you shouldn't resist. they are trying to "make an example" of him - that if you behave badly and kill a single rich person, you'll be treated as if you killed hundreds of people. you will be treated worse than a man who was found guilty of terrorism. you will be considered guilty without trial. the message is that the rich are a protected class, and you cannot touch them without massive punishment. they are trying to prevent a revolution by showing dominance and force against you.
the message is that the police are a puppet of the wealthy and that the law is not equally applied across class disparity. it is "some are more equal than others." it is "one life is more precious than another."
the show of force wasn't for luigi. it was for us. it was a warning. they are trying to remind us who is really in control.
#i bring up tsarnev only bc i feel like people DID want blood. i lived in boston. people wanted to rip him apart.#i do not personally remember a moment where he was paraded around like that. and the fact we gave more dignity to him#than luigi .... is startling.#and i just realized last night i was like - i don't really remember a perp walk like that. maybe im misremembering#but i went to google and i was like. wait why the fuck was it so fucking big.#it WASNT a random act of terror. it WASNT to injure/kill as many as possible.#even if we consider it to be premeditated murder: when have we ever done this.#so brandy's life didnt deserve “a show of force?”#the mayor doesn't say ''our city wont stand for this'' when it's a planned murder for insurance money????#anyway . ur not immune etc etc etc#but i also wanted the comparisons in here in case ppl aren't from amercia etc#this ISNT normal or usual. this was overkill by like a million#on the other hand they gotta do this bc they're scared :)#i kept this bc i had ppl ask me not to delete this but i just felt like#it wasn't really poetry just talkin
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"Did you hear the stupid bigoted thing this known outrage farmer said? What a stupid thing he said! Let's post it everywhere and make the news 24/7 about that thing and make him the center of attention so more people can see the shitty things he said! There is no downside from giving the stupid bigot more of a platform!"
"What do you mean he is the president now. What do you mean he's the president a 2nd time. Nobody could have predicted this."
#bulletbilltime rambling#ok I promise I won't keep making political posts but this is a sore point for me#we as a people seriously need to start being more critical of the ways in which the world around us is pushing us to be outraged#and especially how we're motivated to share the thing that outraged us#bigots are popular on social media because they get people to share them from being mad at them#I'm just as guilty of this don't get me wrong#but also like... so many of these alt-right grifters are banking on people talking about them#the more ppl talk about them the more reach they have#if you spread their bigotry even in the spirit of dunking on it#you are giving their bigotry a platform and it will reach ppl it couldn't reach before#you are literally helping them break into a new audience#'oh but my audience knows I'm a leftist!' it doesn't matter#every time you share someone's reactionary takes it's one more node on the tree of reach that it has#and it's more likely it will reach the people who are more susceptible to their messaging#dunking posts in water on tumblr is like... a start at least in signaling that the take is bullshit#but idk I feel like we can do better#we do need to discuss and disarm the stupid takes but your clapback meme won't do it.#in fact memes and clapbacks as a whole are a godawful way of educating people#we need proper dialogues not fucking debates#unfortunately on a national level this is probably not gonna change bc the news love their controversial topics. it gets views.#so we need to at least start refusing to platform them in our own spaces at the very least#just. stop sharing the bigot. you'll live.#AND FOR FUCK'S SAKE DON'T TURN THEIR RACISM INTO A FUCKING MEME#yes this is about the haitian quote. yes if you are non-haitian and made jokes about haitians eating cats or dogs you did racism.#it isn't okay just bc you did it ironically#AND YOU ARE PLATFORMING RACISM ANYWAY SO WHAT THE FUCK#I am going to grab all of you fuckers and shake you around like snowglobes until you get this through your thick skulls#the post is stored in the tags#I hope social media explodes
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why is it so hard to admit to yourself you ARE in the wrong. when you KNOW it's true. how do you become selfless enough to just stop making excuses for yourself and let go of your own ego and feel the shame bc that's what you deserve
#do you confess to everything you feel guilty about???#to who???#everyone???#do you admit you're tainted by your own selfishness and always will be now?#that you'll just never be as good as others???#and that's your own fault???#it hurts but it's what i deserve#can i ever make up for it?#i just want to die bc i really am no good
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#tag talk#I've gotten pretty good at talking in such a way as to reassure and assuage peoples doubts.#currently working on selling my electric piano on fb marketplace (I had to make a new account for it cause I deleted my old one years ago)#and there's a lot of automatic suspicion people have that it might be a scam. but there's a lot of details you can add to fight that.#when working out a time to meet. mention you have a job or mention things you'll be doing when you're busy.#people love pictures or videos because we still have that inherent trust that videos and photos can't be faked.#I used that one a lot of grindr. a lot of people would just use the same two or three grainy photos so sending fresh photos occasionally..#-occasionally would stand out against everyone else who puts no effort into their profile.#there's just so many little ways to communicate authenticity but you can't try too hard or you'll come across as scammy.#idk though. maybe my inability to conceive of anyone mistrusting me makes me also just seem trustworthy.#in nursing I could gain paranoid residents trust really easily and could calm down anxious residents by just explaining the process to them.#which honestly is a victory for the autistic urge to just explain everything and then maybe explain it again and again#idk. I just try so fucking hard to be genuine and authentic in everything I do and that's kind of a skill you can artificially apply#like how you can learn to be kinder to people. learn to be more patient. learn to be more loving. likewise you learn to be more authentic#*whispers* (which also helps on the offchance you do need to lie about something. people believe you about that too)#but lying isn't something you ever want to get caught at because that shatters your whole reputation and then you're fucked#but you know what? confessing a lie yourself boosts your credibility massively. if you think you're about to get caught? get ahead of it#turn a lie into a mistake you feel oh so guilty about so you just had to say something and suddenly you're a golden child with integrity#anyway this has been manipulation 101#use your powers for good not evil or whatever. you want people to like you and if you ever fuck up and lie they won't like you so don't
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