#The way Carlisle convinces himself that his loneliness-turned-hope is nothing more than the monster's reproductive drive... :(

[jessicanjpa]

AU in which Carlisle comes very close to changing Edward in 1918. Based on his brief observations of the boy's character, an entire century of angst comes to life in his imagination. He reluctantly concludes that Edward will be happier with his parents in heaven.

He lays a comforting hand on the sweaty forehead and waits. The boy doesn't need comfort; he's already far away, blissfully unaware that his body is drowning and that the only one who could save him has chosen not to. His stillness seems to confirm that dragging him back for three days of unspeakable pain—and an eternity of relentless, painful self-denial—would be nothing but cruelty. The most selfish of acts.

Happier possibilities begin to break upon Carlisle's imagination, but he holds firm. Even when he imagines a growing family of golden eyes, the boy finding the most unlikely love after a century of loneliness, he holds firm—he knows how unlikely that happiness is, for either of them. He knows it is only the voice of the monster within, rising from its deep slumber to birth a new monster. He will not let it.

The temptation is greatest at the end. It seems impossible, but somehow Edward stirs just enough to open his bloodshot eyes. Slowly, painfully, his blurred vision moves until he is looking right at Carlisle. He seems to want to say something.

Carlisle doesn't move or speak until it's over. At last, his fingers drift down and close the empty, staring eyes. He moves his other hand to rest over the silent heart and murmurs a prayer. It's mainly for himself, a broken-hearted prayer of thanksgiving that he was strong enough to resist. Mastering his bloodlust was the first great trial of his existence; finding his soul again was the second. But this third trial, the aching promise of family, has somehow turned out to be the most painful. It is a war he has fought for over a century now, but at last he has won... at great cost. By the time he signs the death certificate, he can already feel the scars forming. He will mourn that lost future forever.

The cost of victory is greater than he knows. Five other lives, and perhaps many more, had depended upon his failure today. Carlisle moves on to the next battle, the next bed in Influenza Ward C, relieved that it's time to fight an easier enemy.