#The implication of ��� The lead-up to ♫

[sysig]

I’m just saying I think he has a type (Patreon)

[buckyismybicycle]

Hold Onto Me: Chapter 3

Pairing: WS!Bucky x Reader (musician) Rating: Teen for now, Explicit later Tags/Warnings: canon-typical violence, canon-divergent, angst, fluff, music soothes the soul y’all, so many other tags to come Summary:  You happen to get caught in the Winter Soldier’s attack one day, but you don’t expect to ever see him again. You definitely don’t expect him to show up at your home, bleeding. You definitely, definitely don’t expect to want to go on the run with him.

♬ ♪ ♫ Started in the strangest way Didn't see it coming, swept up in your hurricane Wouldn't give it up for nothing Now I'm all caught up in the highs and the lows It's a shock to my system I don't wanna run away, so I stay My head gets messy when I try to hide The things I love about you in my mind I don't really know a lot about love A lot about love, a lot about love But you're in my head, you're in my blood And it feels so good, it hurts so much ♬ ♪ ♫

A month passes, and you’d be more worried, of course, if it wasn’t such an unpredictable schedule as it is. You hung onto the fact that he promised to come back, but the weeks pile on and your hope begins to fray at the edges.

An awful thought starts to creep in, no matter how much you push it away.

It feels excruciatingly longer now that you know what he feels like against you, and you ached with a longing to see him again. He was the light in your mundane, ordinary life. You were eating better, smiling more and performing with more confidence ever since. More than once you had to tell yourself that it wasn’t love, just something new. Exciting.

Finally, he came, exhausted with bags under his eyes.

“Are you alright?” You asked, reaching you immediately to rid him of his muzzle. He nods slowly, nose against your temple and arms winding their way around you.

“I always remember you,” he murmurs in your ear and your eyes widen at the implications but you wrap your arms around him first.

“What do you mean by that?”

“They - They make me forget things, sometimes I can’t even remember who I am, or what gear it is, but I always remember you… I always see your halo, angel.” Your eyes watered at the admission, again wondering how anyone could be so cruel. To rob someone of their memories. Their identities. How do they do it?

“You have to run away,” you sniffled, more adamant than ever. “They can't keep doing this to you!”

He answers with a kiss, and your breath is shaky when it ends. His eyes look lighter, more steely, today, and you can see he’s tired.

“Come, rest,” you tug on his hand, trying not to be embarrassed about leading him to bed. He looks almost uncomfortable lying down on your mattress, head swivelling around on alert.

“Close your eyes for a moment,” you told him.

“Will you stay with me?” It was the most vulnerable you’d ever seen him. You nod with a relieved smile.

“Always.”

-----

He visits again, in three and a half weeks. There’s something about him today that you pick up on instantly. It’s a nervous energy about him, where he doesn’t stop fidgeting and his knee bounces up and down when he sits on the couch.

“What is it?”

He shakes his head, wants to tell you that it’s nothing. Instead, he tells you that they’re buzzing with excitement, how he hears snippets of his next big hit and how nervous that makes him.

“Come on, you’re not fooling me,” you press. “What’s on your mind?” His eyes search your face and see only concern. He exhales deeply.

“I want to run.”

------

You didn’t know how serious he was, but he wasn’t exactly the joking type, so you prepared for the worst. When he left, you weren’t sure when he’d come back but his face had been determined. It starts with a backpack in your closet, some sets of plain clothes and essentials, folded and packed. A notebook, with a photograph of your parents stuck on the back, a pen, toiletries. Then suddenly you’re withdrawing cash every now and then to tuck away into the envelope in there. You feel slightly ridiculous as you buy a burner phone, because this isn’t some spy movie, but you couldn’t help but try to prepare for the worst case scenario.

You list the house for sale. It hurts, but it was for the best. What was the point of living in an empty shell, anyway? The market is insane, you get way more for it than you anticipated as it sells well over asking. The money weighs heavy in your account as you think about your parents and all the memories you had. Your envelope of cash grows fat, and you tell yourself that this is going to be okay. Hopefully.

The apartment that you end up renting is across the street. You write a little note on the windowsill of your house, hoping the new owners of your home won’t notice or paint over it before the soldier sees. Across the street, 415. You just know that he’ll understand, if he reads it.

Then, the world crumbles. Project Insight comes out, and everyone is in a panic. So much happens at once, and so much information is thrown out there. A lot of it doesn’t seem like it was meant to be released to the public. Your instincts tell you that your soldier is related to all of this, somehow, since he was ordered to fight Captain America the first time you'd “met”. This has to be the big job he’d been nervous about.

For the first time, you search “the winter soldier” and come back with more than just ghost stories. You read his files, and regret it immediately. You cry, and cry for the person in this file, for Bucky.

Captain America is missing in action, and rumour comes out the Winter Soldier killed him. You don’t believe a word of it, of course. Then, they say the helicarrier blew up while he was still on it. Then, Captain America shows back up and the world backtracks.

Your stomach is twisted in knots with the anxiety that builds. There’s no way for you to reach out to him and you’d just sold the one place he knew where to find you. A thousand what-if scenarios run through your mind and you nearly hyperventilate. You spend your days watching out your window for a familiar shadow stalking up to your old house, but nothing happens for days.

When he finally reappears, his breathing is heavy and his face is flushed.

“Why’d you move?” He asks, his body only half through the window of your apartment at that point, the other half still on the fire escape.

“You found me!” You cried out in relief, rushing to hug him.

“Of course I did. Why are you here?” He asked you again, peeling your arms off him to get a better look at you.

“I wanted to be ready,” you admit, a little embarrassed. “In case we ran.” You don’t look at him as your cheeks heat up, you could die right now if he told you he’d just been messing around.

“You really meant it…?”

“Of course, Buck. I -“

“Then we have to go,” he cuts you off. “Right now.” The mood shifts instantly. You then notice that he has a dirtied black duffel bag with him and his eyes are frantic. You nod and kick yourself into action. The leggings and shirt you had on were comfortable enough, so you tucked a hoodie and a baseball cap under your arm and grabbed the backpack you’d had in your closet for the last few months.

You swallow thickly as you leave everything else that didn’t fit behind - your home, your guitar, your life.

The first time he ever uses your door is when he follows you out of it, and then you’re off into the unknown.

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[thekavseklabs]

♫ ONE FOR EACH

ALRIGHTY!

I'm not going to use any of the songs that are in their tags, since those are obvious. And it's going under a cut because this is gonna get long. I will bold lyrics that are especially important to me.

3: Appetite of a People Pleaser by Ghost and Pals

Tws for this song: Disordered eating, general unhealthy habits and thoughts

Lyrics:

Ideas forming out of thin air These indulgences none can compare So many flavors that one would abhor Even though I've had enough I still demand Give me more

I need a whole personality Something inordinately sweet Order anything you'd like Nothing's changing my mind I don't care how unhealty it is 'Cus there isn't anything I'd rather be

Call me obsequious I guess I'm a bit dramatic Sometimes my appetite is eerily erratic Give me your dire expectations And I'll consume perfection You are what you eat, after all

Everything combines into one So many flavors that one would abhor And I know I've had enough I've gone too far

Now that I've become a full-course identity Take a bite of me I hope that I've become a favorable delicacy That I'm worth something I'll eat 'em all the thoughts of anyone I'll ever meet Just to make them happy Wondering why I'm a burden or so it seems Aren't I everything?

Maybe if I try a little harder, it will be okay one day Keep on eating more and more Divide my life away into servings And go beyond the point of no return

I know I'm subservient but all of this is necessary Sometimes my appetite is violently contrary Irreconcilable perceptions Appeal to my obsessions  The nausea is overwhelming

Whether I've been caramelized or rotten to the core Which one should I be? 'Cuz I dunno who I'm supposed to be anymore And it's sickening

I'll overeat the implications of your thoughts Just to make you happy Nonetheless, I feel my insides are tied to knots Aren't I more than everything?

I'm a recipe for entropy I'm too overwhelming Give me your validation I can taste your apprehension

These flavors of personality Are hindering my likeability My impulsive desire My appetite has spoiled my urge to satisfy Everyone will like me more without it Everyone will like me more without it

Now that I've become the perfect identity Take a bite of me I hope that I've become a flavorless delicacy That I'm good enough

And now that I've become the perfect identity What else do you need? 'Cus I dunno who I'm supposed to be anymore And I'm starving I'll purge 'em all the thoughts of anyone I'll ever meet Why aren't you happy?! Nonetheless, I know my insides are empty Aren't I more than everything?

---

3 may be extremely cruel in some ways, but it's all they know- when presented with the slightest chance they will sacrifice anything to receive love. Their personality, their health, anything. They believe themself wholly worthless and distasteful outside of what they can provide, their usefulness and desirability. They're desperate and they don’t really even know themself. Even if you try to encourage a healthy habit, they will take it too far, in an effort to please. And even as they do so, they are terrifying in the act, unhinged. Their joyful outside (which they keep because their sister innocently asked them to be happy) is a shell over a horrifying inside, and nothing they can do can hide it. Let no one be under the impression that 3 is not extremely unwell.

C: Karma by CircusP

Tws for this song: Implied abuse

Lyrics:

I've lost my mind The skies are crashing around me I'm left behind Smoke obscures all that I can see You lead me down a dark path But I'm who you blame for the aftermath You're screaming out You've broken me down and I Am left alone here to cry Someone, can someone Please, someone save me now You've charred my heart into ash I've become numb to the pain You've driven us both to crash And escape without a scratch Now you've used up all your luck It's time to get what you deserve I'm holding out for karma I'm holding out to watch you burn (burn, burn, burn...) Shoot me down Of course, I'm the sinful one here But now I've found A reason to feel no fear You lead me down a dark path But I'm who you blame for the aftermath We're screaming out You've broken me down and I Am left alone here to cry Someone, can someone Please, someone end this now I'm not usually the type To hold a grudge (u-u-u-u-u-udge) But you've affected me (me me, me) And now (I'm nothing) I'm nothing but rage (but rage) Give what you take Take what you give What you've done to me I will not forgive Give what you take Take what you give What you've done to me I will not forgive You've charred my heart into ash I've become numb to the pain You've driven us both to crash And escape without a scratch Now you've used up all your luck It's time to get what you deserve I'm holding out for karma I'm holding out to watch you burn (burn, burn, burn...) You've charred my heart into ash I've become numb to the pain You've driven us both to crash And escape without a scratch Now you've used up all your luck It's time to get what you deserve I'm holding out for karma I'm holding out to watch you burn

---

They will go along with abuse, obey to the point of their own death. But when they do eventually break? When they finally understand how angry they are, and choose to act on it? Oh, they're not going to stop at killing you.

Spades: Handsome by The Vaccines

Tws for this song: Nothing much? There's some mentions of blood and such but it's not super intense

Lyrics:

Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god They're gonna eat me up for breakfast You think you look good in whatever they sugarcoat you in

If my body is a temple you can worship at my feet but it might kick you in the teeth some So even when you're spitting blood you would save a thought for me

Cos I got so down I held the world to ransom Lonely, bored and bad thank god I'm handsome (so handsome)

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I should be picking up the pieces But it doesn't really matter as once you thought it would When you got nothing to lose

Everybody else I know would talk to me of misery as if it was contagious So come to me and promise me you'll catch me if you can

Cos I got so down I held the world to ransom Lonely, bored and bad thank god I'm handsome I'm as awful as they come oh what a pity So I thank the lord above that I am pretty (so pretty)

P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p so pretty I'm p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p so pretty

Well I got so down I held the world to ransom Lonely, bored and bad thank god I'm handsome

Arresting, prepossessing and disarming Oh what a stroke of luck that I am charming With a hand layed out upon me by committee I just thank the lord above that I am pretty (so pretty)

---

Spades knows well that he is a bad person, destructive and cruel, violent. But he's having fun fighting and screaming, and he's gorgeous and powerful, and maybe if he has enough sex and fun he can forget how alone he is and pretend that everyone loves him, forget how awful his life is and how awful he's making life for everyone else. He can pretend he's nothing but the charming, slutty, raucous laughing villain he presents himself to be.

Vynathr: That Unwanted Animal by The Amazing Devil

Tws for this song: Violence, gore, and disturbing imagery, references to sex, dehumanization, dissociation, religious imagery, this song is all around a scary gorey time and you should be warned

Lyrics:

There's a second wind coming As we lie here in our bed It rattles the bones of our fathers Carries whispers from the dead And you, you light a candle And I make sure the bairns are fed

You turn the telly on To drown out your fear And make the bed up silent on the floor So no one will hear us You try so loud to love me But I cannot seem to hear

Cause you, you touch My skin peels off like paint But beneath all of our panting There's this noise I cannot shake Well, can't you hear that scratching? There's something at the door

But the wind has picked us up now We're hanging in the air And as you grip me like an animal That you're about to spear "Be good to me, " I whisper And you say, "What?", and I said, "Nothing, dear"

Can't you hear it? It can hear you It wants me to (Throw the plate at the wall)

I'm the paper cut that kills you I'm the priest that you ignored I'm the touch you crave I'm the plans that you made But fuck all your plans, I'm bored "And can't you hear that scratching?" I ask your eyes

I've got knuckle burn from typing all these lines into your chest And as the belt from your buckle is tightening I make shipwrecks out of my dress And the door below, it splinters And the creature creeps inside

And we fall into each other The scratching grows so loud Because that unwanted animal Wants nothing more than to get out And I scream 'Oh, what's the time, Mr. Wolf?" But you, you're blind, you bleat, you bare your claws

Oh, and you rip my ribcage open And devour what's truly yours And our screaming joins in unison I cry out to the Lord 'Cause if we join our hands in prayer enough To God, I imagine it all starts to sound like applause

Can't you hear it? It can hear you It wants me to

And these plates, they smash like waves (Place your hand in mine) And on the wind, it howls (How long can this last?) But that second wind is coming, love It's coming for all we own And on the creature scratches It doesn't know how to get out (Let me out)

And you, you follow philosophies But me, I laugh, I choke "Well, hello, my hollow Holofernes" I wink, but you don't get the joke "Hold the hand of the god-child, " they said 'As he falls from the sky" "Be good to me, " I beg of him "Be good to me, " I beg of him Be good, be good, be good Be good, be good, be good, be good And he replies (Oh) "No, no, not I"

---

Vynathr is wildly out of control, terrified by himself. He wants to love and be loved, but not only does the intimacy horrify him- he fears what he will do to those he loves, and it is a valid fear. His curse is that unwanted animal, and it will allow him no joy nor love, and burn down all those he cares for in blind rage.

Xavier: Looking Like This by Lyre Le Temps

Tws for this song: none

Lyrics:

Am I looking like this? Tell me, am I looking like this? No not at all, you can't control You think I'm showy, but I'm not at all Am I looking like this? Tell me, am I looking like this? In my world, swing is swag Do you understand what I'm talking about?

I'm wearing some bling-bling made by Gucci Riding a 305 ferrari Cross me somewhere in the street Maybe I would just look at your feet Without a 300-dollar pair of shoes Don't even think you're gonna talk to me, you're a fool You can cry, or maybe you can die Okay you won't die, but we know you will cry

Man, I'm just way too far I can't explain to you Man, I'm just way too far I'm just too good for you Man, I'm just way too far I can't explain to you Man, I'm just way too far I'm just too good for you

Am I looking like this? Tell me, am I looking like this? No not at all, you can't control You think I'm showy, but I'm not at all Am I looking like this? Tell me, am I looking like this? In my world, swing is swag Do you understand what I'm talking about?

You are more stupid than my dog Have you got my shit? You look as ugly as a frog Have you got my shit? You have no subject when you talk Have you got my shit? I'm so clever, got it locked Have you got my shit?

Oh, fuck off I heard he's a jerk You call him a jerk? He's an asshole I call him a douchebag, man Give me a break You will need to make your personality Please, and you will uh, witness one of the great miracles of life

Am I looking like this? Tell me, am I looking like this? No not at all, you can't control You think I'm showy, but I'm not at all Am I looking like this? Tell me, am I looking like this? In my world, swing is swag Do you understand what I'm talking about?

You are more stupid than my dog Have you got my shit? You look as ugly as a frog Have you got my shit? You have no subject when you talk Have you got my shit? I'm so clever, got it locked Have you got my shit?

I was kidding; I've never worn no Gucci I'm a badass, not a douchebag, sorry Would you give me just one more chance So I can propose you up for one more dance Tell me what you see if you look a bit closer I'm a good guy not some kind of fucker Watch your mouth, leave the rest untold I'm only nice, when I'm under control

Man, it went way too far I can't explain to you Man, I went a way too far I'm just as good as you

Am I looking like this? Tell me, am I looking like this? No not at all, you can't control You think I'm showy, but I'm not at all Am I looking like this? Tell me, am I looking like this? In my world, swing is swag Do you understand what I'm talking about?

Am I looking like this? Tell me, am I looking like this? No not at all, you can't control You think I'm showy, but I'm not at all Am I looking like this? Tell me, am I looking like this? In my world, swing is swag Do you understand what I'm talking about?

---

Ending on a light note, this man is an asshole that can, will, and does judge people off of a glance, often by how much money they seem to have. Honestly no one benefits from this- if he's disinterested, oof, if he's interested he's probably looking to steal all your stuff.