#The good thing is that I won't (hopefully) have my period during the two upcoming trips to the Mountains with the family.

[praseodykemium]

2:48 am 6 April 2024

tonight I ate a huge block of chocolate and I felt like killing myself. I'm not suicidal. My right thigh really aches where I sometimes cut it months ago. And now while writing, I feel like shitting myself because my stomach does this surrendering thing when I feel any strong emotions. I'm not even sure what emotion it is this time.

Sometimes I cry out of nowhere. The tears just come I am not in control of them. They are usually preceded by some screeching from me. I don't know why I do that either. I hurt my close ones doing that and I don't like it.

I don't have any friends I can talk to. Well I was talking to a friend in the evening (11pm) and the discussion kinda upset me (made me feel like a worthless creature who should cease from existence), and so I watched 6 episodes of Fleabag and related and laughed and felt a lot of things but mainly- "what am I doing with my life? Have I no ambition? I should be studying for an exam next year and not enjoying something" <— that (the last two sentences) was actually from the discussion with the friend.

She said we are all born equally smart. Some just work harder than others. And she compared me and meghna (who is ofcourse better than me despite me besting her in most of our school exams in 12th. She was a topper in 11th and I was not. I'm glad in a way that everyone remembers that. I really hated expectations. But yeah that kinda stung. It wasn't the main hit, far from it). She said that her parents and loads of other doctors work REAAALLY HARD and ARE PERRRRFECTLY HEALTHY (when I told her that over pressuring yourself with work is gonna bring a cerebral stroke and you'll die early and not get to enjoy any of your money and respect and freedom.)

SO THEN IN MY HEAD, MY STUPID MIND TWISTED THST SENTENCE AND MADE IT INTO "OH I CALLED YOUR BLUFF. YOURE JUST OVERREACTING. CEREBRAL STROKES ARE A MYTH BECAUSE OHHHHHH LOOK ST ME BOASTING MY SUPER FIT AND HEALTHY AND ALIVE PARENTS WHO WORK ALL DAY!!!!!" (I hope that everyone she thought of in that list of perfectly healthy and alive workaholics STAY HEALTHY AND WELL AND ALIVE. MAY SHE NEVER FIND OUT THAT BITTER BITTER BLOW THAT CHANGES YOUR PERCEPTION OF THE WORLD. MAY SHE NEVER LOSE HER PARENTS YOUNG. GOD BLESS EVERYONE SHE THOUGHT OF AND MORE 🛐)

BUT FUCK YOU VERSHA FOR SAYING THAT because unknowingly you touched a nerve I didn't even know I still had alive. FUCK ME. God I hate everything. I really relate to fleabag rn even though I have no qualifications other than my dad dying to feel relatable to her saying "I feel like crying. All the time."

Its been 3 years and I still haven't gotten over my drunk brother (cousin) molesting me at 15. Because we were really close at a point in time (YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP). AND I TRUSTED HIM MORE THAN ANYONE. I AM STILL NOT OVER IT.

i feel I was hypersexual from as long as I can remember. I had this repeating dream-vision-imagination thing that I am in a hospital lying with my lower body uncovered naked and the doctor calling in my super older than me ( when I was 15 he was 23 or something and the younger one was probably 21) cousin brothers— to come and stare at my genitals. I have had this dream thingy since as long as I can remember. It was often repeating in my head. I do not know why. I was assaulted YEARS later by the both of them on multiple separate occasions but that foreshadowing was thoroughly confusing and unasked for and really fucked up my childhood.

I have been masturbating since as long as I can remember as well. I don't know what's wrong with me. But I'm terrified of men. And I am terrified of being penetrated. I would rather die a virgin honestly. But I'm also really fucking horny all the time. But I really really really do not want anybody to touch my naked body ever.

whenever somebody invades (accidentally or otherwise) my personal space, I have this passive surrendering feeling wash over me like a drug. Like I know that I hate it, I'm aware of me hating someone doing that but it's just that twisted horny part of me or something else maybe i don't know that forces me to remain stationary like a soldier called to attention. I let the intrusive hand finger thigh do whatever the fuck it wants to do and I stay completely still. It's not supposed to be this way. I'm a strong (not really), adult (19 in June this year), aware (vividly aware of articles and awareness videos, Wikipedia and RAIIN articles about every sexual assault terminology, their after effects, mental disorders, percentages, everything) woman with a brown belt in karate. I should do better than this. But my STUPID FUCKING TWISTED MINDED BODY REFUSES TO SEE REASON AND FOLLOW THROUGH WITH MOVING AWAY. SO YEAH FUCK ME I GUESS IM NOT GONNA GIVD CONSENT BUT I CAN JUST STAND HERE AND BE A REALLY GOOD WANKING MATERIAL FOR YOU.

I have to sleep it's 3:27 am now. And I really hate Martin (Claire's i.e. fleabag's sister's husband) from Fleabag.

I think fleabag's therapist scene brought this rant on. And my right thigh really fucking hurts.

[juhneenteagues]

update: 2/9

yesterday marked a full month of having the arm implant. Uhhhh nothing happened that was as dramatic as ^^^^. It just happened that one night (mainly the crying) and it didn't happen again. Hopefully that crying hormone shit won't happen again. Ugh how embarrassing.

Idk whether or not to count the spotting as part as my period cause technically I was bleeding but obvs bc it's spotting it's really nothing.... I would say pre-spotting my period was...5 days? so the normal amount of days and then I was lightly spotting for....4(ish??) days after when my period would've normally ended. So if spotting counts as a part of your period then mine from end of Jan thru early Feb was about 8-10 days(??).

I assumed once the spotting happened I'd be consistently bleeding for months like spotting or just regular bleeding into and after each period so maybe I misunderstood the whole bleeding thing as a side effect of the nexplanon lmaooo or maybe it was explained that way but every body is different so my side effects haven't been that bad?? idfk but tbhonest if the bleeding that's supposed to be the side effect is only lightly spotting every month after my period until it completely stops or until I reach a point where I won't get periods anymore than fr I don't care lolol I fr thought it was gonna be heavy bleeding but it wasn't God bless. Hopefully the light spotting won't change up on me in the upcoming months lbvvs

Umm other than that I don't really have any updates. I still eat like shit so my skin is still trash and my stomach hasn't gotten any flatter lmao rip I haven't gone to the gym in like 2 weeks but that's what happens when you don't have a car and rely on your boyfriend for rides whenever you two hang out and on top of your own inconsistent work schedule, he also has a somewhat non-consistent work schedule and classes throughout the week¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Maybe I start doing at home workouts since I really do wanna lose my stomach 😩😩

On another note for a small period of time I have gotten back into reading. (IT'S BEEN 3 DAYS AND I ALREADY FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT LIFE) I used 1 free credit on audible and started listening to Michelle Obama's Becoming book and so far it's sooooo good! I'm on chapter 9 I wanna say and her and Barack have like just declared their feelings and the kissed after their ice cream date AHHHHHHH during all of chapter 8 I was just like "I STAN" & "OTP" 😂😂😂. Anyways the book is 19hrs long and I wanna say about 19 chapters?? (don't quote me on that one) and I think I'm like 5 hours into the whole reading hours wise.. if I can finesse a way to get more credits on audible I would cause I genuinely have been wanting to get back into reading for months but haven't really been taking initiative and this is a step in the right direction... BUT BRO AUDIBLE IS 15 DOLLAS A MONTH 😭😭😭😭 all my other subscriptions I pay for equal about $30 a month, give or take, and I do not wanna spend more 😭😭😭 I'll check in with my next post update and see if I changed my mind lmaoooooo

I think this every time I update this post but I can't wait for future me to read what past me wrote and react to it lmaooo

K dassall I hope I didn't forget anything but I don't think I did. ✌🏿

Note to self

ive had my nexplanon implant for 18 days now, if I can do math. (01/08 aka 13 days b4 my 22nd bday)

I feel like, especially within the last week, I’m always hungry 😭 the last thing I need to do is gain weight bc of this damn bc. Am highkey hoping to drop some weight and clear my skin up if God loves me 😩😩

dec’s period was the 26th-30th.. according to my period app 🙄🙄 (which i downloaded I think maybe early-mid dec?? bc ive never used one before) my jan period was supposed to start on the 23rd.. it’s the 26th… I’ve been cramping (they don’t hurt, but I can just tell that there’s something goin on in my pelvis region) tho since like the 22ndish, or maybe the 20th or 21st idr… This damn bc has probs thrown off my shit.. (im saying this and watch I start fucking bleeding tomorrow)

Sighhhhhh

Also I feel like I get randomly annoyed and irritated but I was already v moody before the damn bc so idk if it’s me or the nexplanon.. mmm

Hopefully I’ll remember to come back to this post in like a month and update myself

I already know although it’ll probs be v v minimal, I do not wanna be spotting for like 6+ months. Can I just skip to not having periods pls n thnx??

Also I feel like at random times my left arm where the bc is feels weird… mmm

umm p sure that’s all the random not-even-three-weeks-in update I have on no-babies-for-three+-years-solution so ye @me pls remember to check back by feb 1 just for the menstrual purpose and then again at the end of feb pls n thnx