#The first one of the gang was in physics class I swear physics it’s really hard for me

[thebookowal]

⚠️SPOILERS ALERTS ⚠️

‼️FOR THE FNAF MOVIE 🍿‼️

I am FNAF fan bitch

[agaypanic]

request: ok hear me out!! touchy!reader is the new girl at whitechapel and everyone just kinda gravitates towards her but somehow the main friend group (rory, erica, ethan ect) basically adopt her into the friend group unbeknownst to them Benny has a HUGE crush on her and often sulks while hanging out with them because of how touchy she is with everyone else,, then they figure out theyre just both 2 idiots in love!!! bonus points if she’s secretly a vampire too!! (not touchy in a weird way physical touch is just her love language btw) I love your work smmmm btw :D

Looking For Affection (Benny Weir X Vampire!Reader)

Masterlist

Request Something!

Summary: The gang makes friends with the new girl at school, who turns out to be a vampire that likes being affectionate with her friends. Benny gets pouty because his crush seems to be touchy with everyone except him.

A/N: this idea is so cute!! Benny would def sulk and be whiny about it and the gang would have to be like “bro get it together” lol i cant remember if full fledged vampires can drink animal blood or only human blood, so for the sake of the story full fledged vampires can drink animal blood, also warning for eating/drinking an animal ig…

***

Being the new girl was always hard. You didn’t know anyone, you didn’t know where half of your classes were. Hell, you weren’t half convinced you could find your way home. You were dropped off at your first period and basically left to fend for yourself. Then you had to force your way through an icebreaker while everyone stared at you, and when you sat down, you realized you had no idea what was going on because everyone had been doing this for weeks while it was your first day.

So yeah, being the new girl sucked. But it was ten times worse when you had to try to push down the deep insatiable thirst for the blood of the kid sitting next to you. 

“Before you all pack up, listen to me really quick.” The teacher said as she concluded the lesson. Everyone groaned but waited for her to continue. “I want someone to show Y/n around the school and help her find her classes. Would anybody like the volunteer?”

Surprisingly to your teacher, practically everyone’s hand shot up. It wasn’t too surprising to you, though. For some reason, the transformation made vampires very appealing to people. It got on your nerves on the days that you just wanted to lay low.

“Wow. Okay…” Your teacher looked at all the hands and then at you. “Y/n, how about you pick?”

You looked around the room. You had to be strategic about this. Someone who wasn’t too excited to be around you but wouldn’t abandon you before the end of the school day. It would also be a plus if you didn’t have an insane urge to suck them dry like a juice box.

You pointed at a girl that sat on the other side of the room, closer to the back.

“If you don’t mind?” She grinned at you.

“Sure!” The bell rang, and everyone left to go to their next class. You and the girl walked out together. “I’m Sarah, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you.” Sarah took hold of your backpack, helping to guide you through the crowded hallway. When she took you to your second period, she stopped you from going through the door.

“I’ll come back after class to take you to your other ones. Since I’m like, your guide, I guess, do you wanna sit with me and my friends at lunch? They’re a little weird, but I swear they’re nice.”

This was going better than you expected. Someone nice was helping you find your way around, and you didn’t have to go through the new kid struggle of trying to find somewhere to sit at lunch.

“Yeah, I’d like that a lot.”

***

Before you knew it, third period was over, and Sarah was walking you to the cafeteria. You insisted that you weren’t hungry, so she took you straight to her table. Only one other girl was sitting there.

“The boys will come soon; they’re getting food,” Sarah told you before gesturing to the blonde. “This is Erica. Erica, this is Y/n; she’s new.”

“Hi.” You said a bit nervously. Erica gave an intimidating smile, looking you up and down.

“Hey.”

“Who’s this?” A new voice asked. You turned to see three boys looking down at you with curiosity. You stared back, waiting for Sarah to introduce everyone as they sat down.

“She’s the new girl, her name’s Y/n.” Sarah smiled at you before gesturing to each of the boys. “Y/n, this is Rory, Ethan, and Benny.”

“New girl, huh?” Benny asked from his seat next to you. Even sitting, he had to look down to make eye contact with you. 

“Yeah.” He seemed to smile at your slight nervousness.

“How’s your day going so far?”

“Pretty okay. Kind of waiting for it to be over.” You tried to not get flustered when he laughed.

“Yeah, that’s fair. What do you have after this?” You reached into your pocket and pulled out your schedule. Benny looked it over, and his grin widened. “Oh nice, we have English together.” This made you excited for some reason. Maybe it was because you now have another friend (hopefully) to hang out with in class. The fact that, upon closer inspection, you realized Benny was kind of cute might have also been a factor.

“Y/n, if you don’t mind, maybe Benny could take you to your classes for the rest of the day?” Sarah suggested.

“Oh, yeah, sure.” You looked at Benny. “I mean, if you don’t mind, obviously.”

“Of course. We’re your buddies now.” You mirrored his grin. It was your first day, and by lunchtime, you had made five new friends. This was easier than you thought.

***

It had been a week since your first day at Whitechapel, and things were going great. You had Sarah in your first period, Benny in fourth, and Rory in fifth. None of your new friends seem to wonder why you never ate during lunch. In fact, Benny and Ethan were the only ones who came to the table with food. Despite harboring such a big secret, you felt so normal.

Today, Ethan invited everyone to come over to his house after school. The group got excited, but you became anxious. You always ate when you came home after school, and you don’t think your new friends would appreciate a detour from Ethan’s house so you could juice an animal. Luckily, you lied and said you’d have to talk to your parents first, and they believed you.

When school was over, you raced home. You had to wait for the streets to clear of students going home so you could hunt. There wasn’t much to do in town in terms of hanging out, so soon, you were free to roam. The park was your best bet. You could easily catch a squirrel or a bird.

You had a squirrel in your sight when your phone buzzed. You pulled it out slowly, not wanting to startle your prey. 

Sarah

hey! we’re picking up a pizza for tonight. if you want, we can swing by your place on the way back to Ethan’s

You quickly typed a response. You didn’t want to miss out on your dinner or worry Sarah by not responding quick enough.

Y/n

sounds great! see you soon :) 

Sarah

:) 

Looks like you were having fast food tonight. You quickly nabbed the squirrel, making it drop the nut it was looking over. You didn’t like thinking too much about what you had to do to eat, so you closed your eyes and sunk your teeth in. God, it was so good. You had been starving all day.

You were lucky the sun was setting. You don’t know what you’d do if anyone saw you right now.

“Y/n?” You froze in your crouched position. The voice terrified you. You didn’t want to look up, focusing on the five pairs of shoes just feet away from you. This could not be happening. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing!” You answered quickly, hiding your food behind your back as you stood up. Pursing your lips, mainly to keep your bloody fangs hidden, you looked at your friends. They seemed either concerned or confused. “What, uh, what are you guys doing here?”

“We were coming to get you,” Benny answered. 

“Oh! Well, here I am.” You smiled awkwardly at the group.

“What’s behind your back?” Erica asked, eyeing you suspiciously.

“Nothing.”

“Come on, Y/n. You can tell us.” Sarah stepped forward, trying to coax you into telling them. She stopped herself from taking another step, staring at your face. “Y/n, is that blood?” 

You swiftly used your sleeve to wipe your mouth, trying to get rid of any evidence of what you were doing. But during your panic, you forgot you still had a hold on your food, allowing everyone to see it. They all gasped, looking at you with strange looks.

“Fuck!” You squeaked. You gently set the squirrel down and looked at your friends. “Guys, I know it looks bad. But I-”

“Were you eating that?” Ethan asked.

“Of course, she was eating it. What else do you think she was doing?” Erica asked, rolling her eyes.

“You guys are freaking her out more; look at her!” Benny scolded, and he was right. Tears started to fill your eyes. There was no way you could talk your way out of this situation. You’d have to leave town, and you just got here. Things were going so well, and you messed it all up by not being careful enough.

“Guys!” You didn’t mean to yell, but it felt like you had no control over anything anymore. They all looked at you, startled by your outburst but waiting for you to continue. You took a deep breath to swallow your nerves and tears, but it didn’t help much. “I… I’m not bad, I swear. If I was able to change, I would. But I can’t. If you don’t wanna be friends with me anymore, believe me, I get it. But I’m fucking begging you, don’t tell anyone about this. Please. I don’t know what I’d do if-” Your speech was cut short by shock. Sarah had launched herself at you, taking you in her arms to hug you. Rory and Erica joined her, while Ethan and Benny gave you small smiles. “What are you doing?” You whispered.

“It’s okay, Y/n,” Sarah said, hugging you tighter.

“Yeah, don’t sweat it,” Erica added, rubbing your back. “Everyone gets caught eating an animal at least once.”

“What are you talking about?” You were definitely confused. There was no way they were saying what you thought they were saying. 

Rory grabbed you by the shoulders, taking you out of Sarah’s embrace so you could look at all three of them.

“Welcome to the club, dude!” After an exchange of glances, Sarah, Rory, and Erica grinned at you. But they weren’t normal grins. Their canines were larger and longer, just like yours. It all made sense now. Why they never ate during lunch, or stayed in the shade whenever possible, or sometimes had an orange-yellowish tint to their eye when they seemed a bit more emotional.

Tears kept coming, but your smile mirrored the vampires in front of you, albeit a bit bloodier. You lunged at them, bringing them into another hug. Relief washed over you, and even more when Benny and Ethan joined the group’s embrace.

You were so happy that you didn’t have to hold back from giving your friends affection anymore. Before you were turned, you were very touchy with your friends. Not in a weird way; it was just the way you showed that you loved them. But after getting your fangs, you were more hesitant, the fear of hurting someone you cared about making you reluctant. But now that most of your friends didn’t even have blood for you to sense, you didn’t have to hold back anymore.

“Wait.” You loosened your hold, taking your head off of Sarah’s shoulder to look at the boys. “What are you guys then? Are you just humans?”

“Not exactly.” Ethan smiled, somewhat awkwardly. You were convinced it was the only smile he could make. “I’m a seer. I get visions when I touch things or people.” You nodded before looking at Benny.

“And you?”

“Spellmaster.” Benny held his hand up to your view and magically produced a tissue, using it to wipe away the panic and joy-induced tears. “At your service.”

***

Discovering each others’ supernatural identities brought you closer to the gang. Before Whitechapel, you didn’t know any other vampires except for the one that had turned you. You could finally talk about the stuff that you struggled with without feeling weird about it; the cravings, being wary about making friends because what if they found out or you lost control, being hyper-aware of all the mirror’s in your house so your parents didn’t wonder why you didn’t have a reflection.

But getting closer to the gang meant getting closer to Benny. You quickly learned that that was both a curse and a blessing.

Benny was so sweet, and funny, and caring. Always interested in how you were doing and ensuring you were included in group plans. It was a big plus that he was very pretty as well.

One day in English, you two were reading together for an assignment. Benny turned the page, but wasn’t careful enough. He sliced the tip of his finger, and the scent hit you like a truck. It smelled so good, it scared you. Instead of being concerned, you stared at his wound when he hissed at the pain.

“Sorry.” He said, licking the blood off. You stood from your seat abruptly, running out to the bathroom. You knew Benny would understand, but you still felt bad. 

It was bad enough that you now had a crush on one of your best friends. But smelling his blood, his delicious blood, made Benny seem even more insatiable. 

To fix this little problem of yours, you decided to keep your distance for a while. That would be hard because you were together almost every single day. So you just made minor, subtle changes in your routine. You started sitting on the opposite side of the lunch table from him. When walking somewhere, you walked with anyone besides Benny. At Ethan’s, you’d sit in an armchair by yourself so he couldn’t sit near you.

It hurt you, and you felt terrible, but it was for the best. Besides, how could a mortal be with a vampire?

Tonight was one of those usual nights where Ethan’s parents were out doing something, so he invited you all to watch some movies.

Erica and Sarah nabbed the two armchairs in the living room, so you had to sit on the couch. You could sit on the floor, but you didn’t want to be uncomfortable. You burrowed yourself into one of the corners, wrapped up in a blanket. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Benny eyeing you. He sat down in the middle of the couch, a respectable distance from you but still close. You wanted so badly to be near him.

“Start the movie, Ethan! What are you waiting for?” Rory asked, dropping himself on the couch between you and Benny. The tension, whether real or imaginary, disappeared, and Ethan pressed play. You leaned against Rory, using him as a pillow as you tried to watch. But all you could think about was Benny and the little pout on his lips.

When the movie ended, you unraveled yourself from your blanket cocoon and Rory’s limbs and excused yourself. You went to the bathroom to splash water on your face. Even though vampires didn’t really sleep, you felt so tired.

Face wet, you grabbed a towel to dry yourself off. When you were done, you looked up and became surprised at the lack of reflection in the mirror. No matter how long you’d be a vampire, you’d never get used to that.

“What’s going on with Y/n?” Your ears picked up on Benny’s voice in the living room. 

“What do you mean?” Sarah asked.

“Why is she touchy with you guys?” He sounded sad, and kind of offended.

“That’s just how she is, B. You know that. It’s how she shows she likes you.” Ethan said, sounding done with the conversation that had only just started.

“I like that she’s all cuddly,” Rory said. “She’s really warm for a vampire.”

“Then why isn’t she like that with me?” Benny asked.

“Maybe you did something to piss her off.” You could practically hear the smirk from Erica.

“I don’t think I did.” Benny paused, probably to look back on your interactions with him. But he seemed to come up with nothing. To be fair, he didn’t really do anything. “It’s like she’s avoiding me.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you liked Y/n, Benny.” Sarah laughed at him. Ethan groaned.

“Don’t get me started; he won’t shut up about her.”

“Shut up, E!” Having enough of this conversation, you threw the towel in the hamper and went to the living room. Everyone looked at you as if they had seen a ghost. Pursing your lips, you decided to pretend you didn’t hear anything.

“What did I miss?” You asked, grabbing your blanket.

“Nothing,” Benny answered quickly, cheeks pink. You were about to sit down when Rory moved to your spot. He just smiled up at you, gesturing for you to take the place that he sat in.

The place that would sandwich you between him and Benny. It was better to go along with it than argue, so you reluctantly sat down, wrapping the blanket around you once again. Benny felt stiff beside you, and soon another movie played.

Did Benny actually like you? Your friends talked about it like he did, but it wasn’t necessarily confirmed. His reaction to them talking about his potential feelings for you could have been a tell, but you didn’t want to jump to conclusions.

You became so suddenly aware of Benny beside you. It was like he was trying to keep himself compact, arms close to his body and long legs crossed out in front of you. It seemed like he didn’t want to be near you.

Or maybe he felt like you didn’t want to be near him. You wouldn’t be surprised if he did.

You felt so terrible. All this time, you were telling yourself that the distance was good for the both of you. That he wouldn’t notice, and if he did, he wouldn’t care because it’s not like he liked you in such a way that he’d be sad that you gave him less affection than you gave your other friends. 

Maybe you were overreacting. Maybe you were scared of getting close to Benny, scared of what could happen if you were close to someone you were so infatuated with but also had such a thirst for.

But you supposed it couldn’t hurt to try.

Your movements were small, barely noticeable. Your hand inched its way to his. Eventually, the back of your hands touched. Benny took a deep breath from the contact, glancing down at you. But you kept your eyes on the screen.

Benny’s hand slowly moved over yours, feeling hesitant. He kept moving until, eventually, you were holding hands. It felt nice. You wanted to kick yourself for acting the way you did. Your body fell lightly on his, sides pressed against each other.

You stayed like that the rest of the night. You didn’t want to move away, not wanting to lose the chance of being close to the boy you liked so much after distancing yourself for so long. When the last movie was over, Benny seemed happier than before, a smile decorating his features.

But all good things come to an end. You had to go home, so you let go of Benny’s hand and stood up, throwing the blanket onto Rory, who gladly accepted it.

“Okay, I gotta head out.” Everyone stood up to hug you goodbye, Benny being the last one. You hoped no one noticed that you clung to him longer.

“I can walk you home.” He suggested when you pulled away.

“B, I thought you were sleeping over,” Ethan said, looking at his best friend, confused. Benny waved him off.

“Nah, I got some stuff to do. Besides, I don’t want her walking alone at night.”

“You do know Y/n is a bigger threat than any mugger, right?” Erica asked with a raised brow. Benny just ignored her, looking down at you hopefully.

“What do you say, Y/n?” You should say no. You didn’t want Benny walking home alone this late. But as always, he was being so sweet.

“Sure.” He quickly gathered his things, and with one last goodbye, you were out the door. You mainly walked in silence, but that was broken about halfway through your walk.

“Can I ask you something?” Benny asked, hands stuffed in his jacket pockets.

“You just did.” He laughed sarcastically and nudged you with his shoulder, making you stumble. “Damn, okay. What is it?” Benny blew a loose hair out of his face, looking nervous.

“Why have you been avoiding me?” You stopped walking, shocked by the question. But you should’ve seen this coming. “Come on, Y/n. What did I do?”

You suddenly became overwhelmed with guilt. Benny thought that he had done something wrong when in reality, you were just a coward. 

“You didn’t do anything, Benny.” You said quietly, kicking rocks.

“Then what happened?” Benny grabbed your shoulders, getting you to look at him. “Please, Y/n. It’s like I’m the plague or something to you.”

You mumbled a response, and he didn’t catch onto it. He sighed.

“Y/n, speak up.”

“I like you.” Your voice was weak, and you felt like you wanted to cry. Benny looked taken aback, still holding you by the shoulders.

“What?”

“I like you, Benny. Like, have feelings for you. But I had to stay away from you.”

“Why?” Benny asked, exasperated.

“Because how the fuck can I be around you when I’m busy worrying about whether or not I’m gonna suck your blood?”

Benny stared at you, eyes wide with surprise. That didn’t make any sense to him. According to other vampires, Ethan had even better blood than Benny, and you were just fine around him. 

“It smells so good, Benny.” You said fearfully. “That day you cut your finger, your blood smelled so, so good. And it really scared me, because what if I get too close to you and I lose control? What if I try to hug you or something, and I hurt you? What if-“

Your ramble was cut off by Benny wrapping his arms around you, practically slamming you into his chest. You hugged him close to you, as tight as possible without crushing him.

“You won’t lose control,” Benny said into your hair.

“You don’t know that.”

“Yeah, I do. You’re not hurting me right now.” He was right. You weren’t digging your nails or fangs into him. You were calm.

“But what if-“

“No ‘what if’s.” Benny interrupted you again. “You like me, right?” That seemed like a silly question; you had just confessed that you liked him a few minutes ago.

“Yeah…”

“Great! Because I like you too.” Benny grinned down at you, all bundled up in his arms. “We’ll figure it out. I promise.” There seemed to be no room for argument; deep down, you didn’t even want to argue against it.

“Okay.” You pressed your forehead to his chest. “I’m sorry for basically ignoring you.”

“It’s okay.” Benny kissed the side of your head, rubbing your back. “You were just scared.”

“I’m still sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Benny gently pulled your arms off of him, hand trailing down to interlock with yours. He started to walk, tugging you with him. “Come on, I gotta get you home.”

“I could speed us there.” You suggested. Benny shook his head, smiling down at you.

“Nah. Wanna spend as much time with you as possible.”

[littlemymelody]

age regressor/little dallas “dally” winston aesthetic/moodboard !!

headcanons under the cut

rambling time

dally’s regression is traumagenic and totally involuntary.

he has a handmade stuffie made out of scraps of fabric that pony made him in home ec class at school. pony worked real hard on it and is so proud that little dally likes it.

all his crayons and stuff - all real old and beat-up, well-loved, like everything the greasers have - were gathered by two-bit. some from his little sister, many stolen. he’s always swiping stuff from stores for little dally.

tim was the first - other than buck - to find out about dally regressing, when he dropped bad after a fight. it was a sudden realisation (and not one tim really understood) but thankfully his big brother instincts kicked in, because dal was hurt and winding himself up something awful. johnny was the second, after he started playing with dally’s hair while they were both dozing in the lot and dally got soft. it was a slow realisation - johnny lining up all the little signs and bits of info in his head from all the time he’s known dally, into an understanding of “dal gets real soft sometimes, like a little kid.” (he was also the one who snitched to the rest of the gang, concerned about dal’s safety and his own ability to take care of little dally by himself.)

dally gets jealous of ‘real’ kids. scowls at them when they’re playing in the fields, or out walking with their parents. (dally has, on more than one occasion when especially young and overtired, asked darry where his ma is or if his dad’ll be home soon. when more lucid, he’s asked why he doesn’t have a ma or a dad. “don’t need ‘em. we’re your family,” darry had told him, and then hugged dally extra tight.)

oral fixation, always chewing on things he shouldn’t. clingy. restless. easily wound up. very physical. has no sense of danger or self-preservation. frequently in trouble. one time he had two’s switchblade in his mouth and darry practically hit the roof. (darry swears to the boys that if little dally ever even sees a heater, he’ll kill them.)

thinks soda’s the best at cuddling and two’s the best at playing, roughhousing and physical play style. (steve’s good at playing too, but he’s too rough, doesn’t really know how to manage his strength with a kid like two does). johnny and pony are the best at imagination-style playing - they’re good at making games out of anything, and using any inanimate objects like they’re dolls because dal doesn’t have many toys. pony likes reading to dal, but a lot of his books aren’t exactly kid-appropriate. he tries to find books dally’ll like, whether in the library or wherever he can get ‘em.

no shoes. socks if you’re lucky. pants if you’re very lucky. hair’s always an absolute mess (more so than usual); he loves having it played with, it’s the one surefire way to get him to sleep, but he still sleeps poorly and has vicious nightmares. he can’t sleep alone.

cries and fights through the entirety of bathtime even with all the toys and distractions in the world.

sits on the floor between two’s legs to watch cartoons. two’s the best at putting up with his fidgetiness because he’s just as bad.

(pinky promise i am writing actual fic. if u want that and/or more of this pls let me know!! i know this is niche but this is MY niche and i am very comfy in here. but there is room for more, hint hint nudge nudge. ok thank you for reading love you)

[thecrescentmind]

I currently need to remake their refs so instead of refs you get screenshots from the wip I’m never finishing.

Sanders Sides OC introductions!!! (TCM au act one) intro explanation/context to the au here

Yapping about them under the cut!!!

Since I got some reason decided attempting a fanseries was a good idea I’m going to be vague about spoilers and the sides will be referred to be titles instead of their actual names, I’ll probably give up on being vague about spoilers eventually but for now I’m trying

Let’s start with the basic one: it’s me but not really: TCM!Crescent

Taking the role of c!Thomas: Crescent is the protagonist! The one whose mind everyone else is apart of! They’ve only just been introduced to their sides and will learn more about them as we go. His personality is a combination of the four he’s met. She’s creative, kind hearted, emotional, anxious, a bit awkward, and simultaneously very smart and very stupid! Well, that’s not all he is, but we don’t have to think about that, do we? TCM is a fun show where we only have to deal with the problems we want to face, we can just ignore that, this place is an escape and no one is going to change that.

Crescent is different from c!Thomas in well, they are literally just different people. Crescent is a teenager with a different gender and sexuality. I guess in terms of what they do in the story the first difference I think of is that Crescent is more aware of certain parts of themselves. This won’t stop him from acting just as oblivious though.

Now we have Artist: Embodiment of creativity, imagination, passion, and ego!

Artist takes the role of Roman! They’re passionate, creative, brave, a bit hyper, and the most confrontational of the group. He likes to act as a hero, even having a “magical girl” (despite not being a girl) form to transform into! She’s very willing to fight or get aggressive when nessecary, maybe even a bit too much. Funfact: the two dots on their crown are eyes! Her crown’s name is Ray and they’re what she used to transform into Ember Knight (the name she gave her magical form). Funfact 2: Despite being the creative side of a horror fan, Artist doesn’t like horror! Wonder what that’s about…

In terms of differences from Roman, Artist is less regal and overall has different vibes and demeanor. She also takes his thing with wanting to be a hero up several notches. She’s also less likely to just insult her friends for no reason, she will be kind of rude but with reasons. Basically if someone’s rude to her she’s rude back almost imeadiatley and she’s very aggressive towards people she has unresolved conflicts with.

Next up is Intel: Embodiment of intelligence, reason, and logic!

Intelligence, or Intel as literally everyone calls them for short takes the role of Logan! The most knowledgeable side in the mindscape, Intel is just as smart and rational as you’d think they’d be. They can be overly cold and serious at times, but that comes from a genuine desire to get things done and help out. And boy does she do a lot of helping! With Crescent being a former gifted kid who now as a teen is almost always in advanced classes (or art related classes, at least Artist can handle that part of their school) and with Intel always trying to use reason to calm the others down when things get serious, he certainly has a big job! Just hope they can handle it.

Intel acts a lot like Logan but the vibes are shifted to the right (listen it’s hard to describe how she acts I swear she’s different) but her arc and struggles are very different. Because of how much Crescent needs her she’s very hard to ignore so she isn’t really, tldr burnt out gifted kid needs a break.

Then there’s Heart: center of feelings and morals!

(I know her color is kind of hard to see I’ll fix that eventually) Heart takes the role of Patton! She’s kindhearted, empathetic, and very sensitive. The least aggressive or confrontational of the group. They’re the youngest of the gang, everyone is physically and more or less mentally the same age as Crescent but Heart formed the most recently. However they’re not a child and will dispute claims they are. Being the newest to the group they have big shoes to fill and he’s still learning how to do that best, can Heart really fill the void he left behind?

While Patton is seen as the group dad, Heart is often seen as the group child (even if she disputes it.). Her arc involves a lot of coming into her own in different ways.

And finally there’s Stress: embodiment of fear and anxiety!

Stress takes the role of Virgil, including starting out as an antagonist. At this point in the story they’re very rude and condescending, masking everything underneath a scary persona they’ve had as long as anyone can remember. But it has been a while. Him deciding to be a threatening presence within the show was a bit surprising for the other three sides, ever since the incident she’s mostly done her job remotely, staying away from direct confrontation with the others unless something major happens. So why do this now? There’s something deeper that they’re connected to, and I don’t think Crescent wants to find out what.

Stress has more energy than Virgil, but you won’t notice that at first because the scary persona definitely takes some of that energy to keep up. Her motivations are also pretty different from his but I’ll keep that a secret for now (she has the most complicated backstory out of everyone you will see)

[key2earth]

hi hello & happy happy opening! i'm blue & this is xie ziying, local night terror edward cullen haunting the halls of sua! art student, red hall girl gang stan, & proud owner of a pretty pair of pearly whites that she's putting to dentist unrecommended use outside of regular class hours! here's a barebones profile & more info / plots under the cut, pls like to plot or ask for my d/scord & i’ll be there! 💗

*tw for discussion of blood is marked out in the intro with brackets!

info

addressing these first: her teeth r sharp & she drinks blood... the vamp allegations r true. ( /hj. u will see )

anyway!! she mostly lived a fairly normal life, insofar as having 3 outta 4 ( now 2 out of 3 ) of a family being anomalies would be normal? has a big bro in huitian but their abilities are as different as they come, so the anomaly gene sure is abnormal!

she's always been the black sheep of the family, but only in the way that someone who's unconditionally loved can act out? like deciding to play the violin when you come from a family of pianists, before abandoning that all together, & being the sibling whose teachers keep calling... but the point is. she's grown up being loved by her family, & that sense of self & safe harbour has pretty much tided her through what would otherwise have been some awful memories

those & her chompers it's hard to fight someone if they're willing 2 mike tyson u

speaking of teeth... they're sharp i'm not kidding! has nicked herself many times, but this was also how she figured out how her ability works. pure trial & error & teething pains

so how do those powers work? ( tw blood mention ) basically, a lil sip of blood gives her a power up! if it's her own blood, she gets physically stronger with enhanced condition. if that sip comes from someone else, she adopts/transforms into one property from them, though she doesn't get to choose which! ( tw end )

she's completely fine with her ability & down to use it when needed or entirely unnecessary, though the fact that the fun half of her power is a random grab bag is sometimes to her detriment. she knows this because she's gotten someone's sleep deprived mental state once when she wanted their cool colour-changing irises 💔

at sua bc they had really effective advertising & her grades + power combination was bad enough that she was applying to any college that might take her in. swears she didn't mean to tag along w huitian but she did apply to sua... so...

art student, which means being on her sixth can of bacchus at ass o clock & permanent eyebags, having the worst style intentionally & calling it avant goth

applied to be evo's treasurer but doesn't believe in 'the cause' or wtv that is. she j wanted to mooch money off them. its working!!

personality deets she's got that libra sun ( i see it i like it ) taurus moon ( i want it i got it ) scorpio rising ( goth ariana )! we're starting off goth, but she's unsrs about it. only emo 4 the aesthetics. might be a stoner gal & attends all the house parties when they have good greens. very chill & laidback, lowkey doesn't care about anything until it comes to her art or her ego, then her secret perfectionist self rears its big head! likes a good puzzle but would never help someone else solve one even if they were struggling. lives mostly in the twilight hours & naps thru class. could be spotted on your roof today!

chara inspos are sunny baudelaire, himiko toga if she had a loving family, vampire vibes really

plots

writing that intro has emptied my brain & i only have the usual suspects: besties, enemies, fwbs, exes! red hall hot girls & ppl she's pissing off at evo bc the funds keep disappearing

will update more but i love a brainstorm too we should do that 💗

[half-deadmagicperson]

Phic Phight 2023 Phic 1

Title: The Water Bottle

AO3

For @phicphight

Prompt by @ectoplasmicsoda

Word Count: 2203

Prompt: Of all the A-Listers to find out his secret identity, Danny never expected it to be Kwan.

Summary: Danny was going through business as usual and noticed something was a little bit off with Kwan. Kwan on the other hand had Seen Shit ™️ and has to deal with it.

Warnings: very very occasional swearing, also mild description of injury (nothing too bad honestly)

This is the first fic I've ever posted. (Not just my first Phic Phight Phic). It's short and sweet, but I hope you like it.

Also shout out from my fellow Team Ghosts for being awesome!

"FENNNNNTURDDDDDD"

  The call rang out through the halls of Casper High. A seemingly scrawny, raven-headed boy sighed. Danny Fenton already knew this was gonna be a long day. Thursdays always suck. He turned to see the source of the voice, a muscular blond barreled towards him. The jock was flanked on either side by equally buff teens.

  "I just got an F on my math test, and you know what else starts with an F? You!" The blond spat.

 "Dash, don't you have better things to do? Like, I don't know, literally anything?" Danny replied.

   Dash was not very amused. He grabs the shorter teen by the collar and shoved him against the lockers. Danny barely even winced at the locker handle driving into his back. He looked over Dash's shoulder and noticed something odd.

 

 Dash's best friend, Kwan, was looking sympathetic towards him. Normally, he'd be smiling and joining in roasting Danny. And although he never physically hurt Danny, he never stopped Dash either. Now, Kwan's face looked almost pitiful with guilt. Maybe he finally grew up?

 

 That moment only lasted for a second however, as Dash encouraged him to join in. Then it was back to the same old smiling A-Lister watching his friend beat the shit out of someone. 

  Sam and Tucker tried their best to stop Dash, but they couldn't stop him. Blood trickled down Danny's nose as the wailing continued.

  The bell rang and the burly gang of boys dispersed. Danny rubbed his jaw and grabbed his books. At least he didn't have to phase himself out of his locker this time. His feet trekked onward to Mr. Lancer's class.

   English. The worst period of the day. Lancer droned on and on about the importance of Old Man and the Sea (by Ernest Hemingway). Danny's thoughts started to drift, turning his gaze out the window. He sat peacefully zoned out until a breath caught in his throat.

  A puff of cold mist shot out his mouth sending a chill down his spine. Great. Another one. He'd been up all night catching ghosts. The Box Ghost escaped three times. Three Times! Eventually, he was so desperate for sleep, he just left Boxy in the thermos overnight. Danny sighed. Guess he better deal with whoever it is this time.

"Mr Lancer! I have to use the bathroom." 

  The bald teacher turned around with a face that read 'Really again?'

"I suppose, Mr. Fenton, you can but be quick and actually return this time."

  Danny up and bolted, catching the same sympathetic glance from Kwan. Since when did Kwan care about his horrible bladder?

   

   Turns out the ghost was Skulker. The darn metal head just wouldn't leave him alone. He's been upgrading his tech a lot recently. It was nothing Danny couldn't handle, but he's had more injuries to hide than he used to.

   Skulker was souped pretty quickly, but not before Danny bruised a rib. Once the adrenaline of the fight wore off, a violent ache flared up in his side. This really was gonna be a long day.

 

  Danny flew back to the school and detransformed. On the bright side, he'll make it back to Lancer's class before it ends. He began his somewhat painful march back to class.

 "Mr Fenton, so glad you could rejoin us," Lancer greeted as he turned back to the board. 

 

  Danny took his seat and ignored the stares from his classmates. Once he sat down, they went back to whatever they were doing before. Several minutes passed before the bell finally rang.

   Danny was walking out of class when Dash "bumped" into him. Pain blossomed up his ribcage. He let out a faint whimper. When will it be time to go home?

   The raven-haired teen walked to his locker. Unfortunately he wasn't able to meet up with Sam or Tucker before the next class. When he opened his locker, he found a bottle of water and some ibuprofen. One of them must've stopped by before their class. He took the pills and grabbed his next set of textbooks.

   The rest of the day was slow, but uneventful. As he was walking out of his last class he met up with Sam and Tucker. Sam was grabbing her books while Tucker tapped away at his PDA.

  

 "Hey Danny! How's it going? Who'd you soup this time?" Tucker asked.

"Skulker," Danny practically groaned.

"He just doesn't give up does he?" Sam muttered. The goth then interrogated Danny over his injuries and grabbed some Neosporin for his cuts.

"Danny you need to be careful not to injure yourself next time," she stated.

"I'm fine! Besides I took those painkillers you left in my locker, so I'm not in pain really," he argued.

  Sam and Tucker both exchanged confused looks.

  Tucker was the first to speak,"Um, Dude, we didn't leave anything in your locker? We were held up by Mrs. Smith before we could get to your locker on time."

  A look of shock started creeping on Danny's face. If neither Sam or Tucker left it, then he could've been compromised. The question remains who did it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

  ��Kwan was having an interesting week. The first few days were normal enough. Football, homework, and picking on nerds took up most of his day. Though he would never go as far as Dash as to beat up students, he never saw the harm in throwing verbal insults at them. He and the A-Listers would always exchange roasts and such, but he supposed in a more loving manner than what they call the nerds.

  Wednesday night was when things changed. School went as normal. In football, he managed to beat a personal record. He also managed to score a date with Star, Paulina's second. He was really excited for that one. The plan was set to meet her Friday night and watch the newest Rapid and Rageful. All in all it was a good day. Kwan was felt giddy as he walked up to his front door. He couldn't wait to tell his parents about his new record or his date!

   Dinner was delicious as always. His mom always made the best Tteokbokki he'd ever had. Granted there weren't very other places nearby he could get some. Small towns in the Midwest didn't really get that many Korean restaurants. He put his plate in the sink before walking up to his room to work on homework.

 

   Geometry sucks ass. Kwan was staring at one of the problems for a good twenty minutes and eventually decided to take a break. His eyes haphazardly glanced out the window. A glow coming from just above a building caught his eye. Phantom. Looks like there's another ghost fight tonight. The hero (menace if you ask some of the local news anchors) was engaged in a battle with a purely white sheriff ghost. 

 

   Dash was always obsessed with how amazing Phantom was and how cool his powers were. Kwan had to admit he did admire the teen ghost for his heroics. And who wouldn't want to walk through walls, disappear, and fly? Kwan watched as the ghosts danced around the skyline, eventually drifting closer to his house.

    The sheriff ghost, Talker? Stalker? Whatever his name was, pulled out some sort of gun. Phantom's shoulders tensed up. The dead teen didn't have time to react before he was nailed straight in the chest. Kwan watched in concern as Phantom drifted down into the alleyway next to his house. Phantom stretched his hand before landing and fired a pretty powerful blast at the offender. Both ghosts landed hard on the ground.

     Kwan stuck his head outside the window. For a painfully long second, neither ghost moved. A blinding light burst out from the alley, causing Kwan to cover his eyes. Once the spots cleared from his vision he looked back down.

     Where Phantom laid, Danny Fenton got up. He was bruised, disheveled, and rocking some space pajamas. He hobbled over to where the other ghost laid while holding some sort of cylinder. Fenton opened the cap of the device and sucked the sheriff in. Kwan watched as the teen muttered something to himself before tucking the metal object into a back pocket.

     The excruciatingly bright light came back, and in Fenton's place stood Phantom. Kwan watched as the ghost boy took off into the setting sun. A strong wave of guilt crept into his head as he made the realization that Danny Fenton, the loser, the freak, the punching bag, was Phantom this entire time. Kwan came to the sickening realization that Dash had been beating up on his hero, and Danny, Danny let him? Fenton could've easily stopped Dash or any of the other guys honestly. Why didn't he? Kwan sat down as his mind reeled with the thoughts of Fenton, Phantom, and how, despite being bullied by Kwan and his friends, he still protected them.

Kwan felt sick.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   It was now Friday, and Danny's head was spinning. He asked Valerie about the water bottle and was disappointed to know it wasn't her either. He had told Valerie about his 'extra curricular activities' about six months ago when the dirt cleared up between Phantom and the Huntress after the whole incident with Dani. He went back through the possibilities in his head. Jazz was in college, so it couldn't have been her. Maybe it was someone who saw his beat down courtesy of Dash? But then why would they give him meds right after the ghost attack? This much thinking made his head hurt. He decided to put it aside and try to pay attention to class. 

   The rest of the morning droned on as usual. He failed his math test. Dash shoved him in a locker. Business as usual. Lunch time came around and Danny sat at the table with Sam, Tucker, and Valerie. Lunch was going relatively smoothly until Danny's ghost sense went off. He groaned in annoyance.

"See you guys at gym class," he muttered and took off. 

   Skulker. Again! Seriously?! The robotic ghost charged after him.

"Today is the day your pelt will hang, whelp!" Skulker roared.

"Let's make this quick. I got a test later," Danny called out.

The two engaged in battle. Skulker pulled out a flaming, green Laser sword.

"Ya know if your mind was as sharp as that sword you'd know you won't win this!" Phantom mocked. Skulker lunged at him and grazed the teen's arm. 

   The battle went on for another few minutes before Danny finally souped him. He flew back to school with a few minutes left before PE. He landed in the empty locker room and looked at his bleeding forearm. Somehow he's gotta cover this up. He walked over to his locker to grab his duffle bag. While scrounging around for the first aid kit Sam gave him, a voice brought him back to reality.

"Let me see it."

  Danny whipped his head over expecting Tucker, but was surprised to see a bulkier person instead. He looked up to see Kwan. A slight bit of panic entered his mind. Did he see his cut?

"See what? I don't know what you're talking about," he replied as coolly as possible.

"Your arm."

 The color drained from Danny's face. How'd he know about the arm? Did he see it walking in? He scanned Kwan's face for any deception or insincerity, but found none. Hesitantly he uncovered his arm.

"Ouch. That's a pretty nasty gash. The tin can really did a number on you." Kwan inspected the wound and pulled out some gauze. Carefully, he wrapped up the wound. 

"Why?" was all Danny managed to say, "why are you helping me?"

"Because you helped us so many times only for us to treat you like shit." Kwan tightened the bandage to help stop the bleeding, "I should be asking you why you helped me. You saved me and the other A-Listers countless times." 

   Danny looked at him like the answer was obvious. He opened his mouth and replied, "It was the right thing to do."

   Kwan finished and admired his work. Danny murmured a thank you, and Kwan told him it was the least he could do. The taller of the two got up to head to his locker.

"Hey Kwan?" He turned around to look at Danny, "out of all the A-Listers, I never thought you'd be the first to find out. Which reminds me, how exactly did you discover my other half?"

  Kwan flushed from embarrassment, "Well it was sort of an accident." 

  He recalled the events from Wednesday night. Danny's eyes widened.

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO PUT THAT WATER BOTTLE IN MY LOCKER! I've been trying to figure that out since yesterday! That makes so much more sense," Danny said, smacking his own face. Kwan snicked.

"Yeah that was me."

"Hey Kwan? Could you maybe possibly not tell anyone about the whole Phantom thing? If it became public, Skulker wouldn't be the only one hunting me."

"Of course! It's the least I could do!"

"Thanks for that and also the water bottle."

"Yep! Well we should probably split since seeing the two of us getting along would be suspicious."

"See you around, Kwan."

"See you around."

   The two parted ways knowing that Team Phantom might have just gained another member.

[yourtigerlily]

jealousy, jealousy

2007. it's a rainy day when Patrick and Richie began something that they are not supposed to. (I am DelilahAndTheUnderdogs on AO3, SISSIBVG on Wattpad, I have another tumblr ff account ELIFANFICTION. This one it's just my PC account) tw: cigarettes, weed, death, verbal abuse, mental health, alcohol, swearing (and getting creative about it), toxic behaviour, blood. it's an AU and Free Form fanfiction, don't like, don't read. dead dove: don't eat.

a necessary author note 

so, ugh, usually I don't post notices/notes for fanfictions.

but this time i do because i want to be sincere with you all.

when i first was intrigued by patrichie, it was in the movies’ universe, especially the first installment of the 2017/2019 two part movies. while with henry and bill i always kind of shipped them in the book too, in the first movie i felt between Patrick and Richie a tension, much more that in the book.

as for Patrick (and Henry tbh), in the book he plays the part as the “evil homosexuals” while Richie (and Eddie) is more like scared and “in the closet” homosexual trope because let's face it: in  the book they are written as children of their time, especially IT was wrote in the 80s and for the most part set in the 50s. 

Patrick is an abusive, who deserves nothing but death, in the books. Richie, in the books, copes with the fact that his mom wanted a girl with his passion with stand up comedy and ventriloquism. the book really touch many dark human sides, that's intriguing yet disturbing, like a lot. i do not recommend reading it during classes at 15. lmao, anyway.

at that time, it was different: expressing emotions, toxic masculinity and unhealthy standards in society (and Beverly faced this issue greatly, for the pressure to fit conventionally beauty standards and what meant to be a girl, set by a machist society — i mean, Eddie’s mom in the book doesn't like the fact that his son is friends with a girl, who she think is a slut, just because Be befriended boys) and racism, most of them are racist, the Bower's Gang predominantly and are loud about that, because it was accepted and normalized (hopefully today it's less but racism is still here) and people like Eddie's mom (still her lmao) thought it was disgusting to be friends’ with a black kid like Mike which honestly is the most pure and innocent kid on earth yet people cannot get pass on his skin colour. 

in conclusion, this is an AU but disturbing things will be there, though. i set it in the early 00s which was not the brightest time in our society, or its highlight because let's face it: I was a  pre-teen in the early 00s, so many traumas for me, and it's really long to fully unpack. here we are: me channeling my experiences through those characters which are really distant yet i can relate the most (Richie in particular).

enjoy this journey with me ~

weight is on my back

September 1st, 2007

A jet-black, straight haired boy was smoking a Malboro, in Derry Middle School's empty parking lot. Patrick Hockstetter was fazed, headphones on, Teenagers by My Chemical Romance playing. Derry was still sleeping. He looked eerily calm, on the verge of mass murdering, it seemed. It was not the case but not that far from truth, most days. He was simply angry. He wanted to scream, his voice stuck in his guts. His unhappiness was in his veins.

And there he was, Richard Tozier. A chihuahua trying to imitate a bulldog, Patrick thought. 

His blue eyes wandered on Richard's face. Why is he so magnetic for? 

He repressed himself. Suddenly, Henry greeted him with his annoying voice: «what’s up, fag?» He hated that word with a passion. He could not go against Henry because yes, his voice might be annoying but he's physically aggressive. Who isn't calling people with that word, meaning it as a slur? It's 2007, not many things changed from the 90s. He was born in 1991 and was four in 1995, when, fun fact, Richard was born. He remembers things, from that time. He doesn't want to, honestly. His dad beating him up senseless. Or finding himself killing his brother. 

He shooed away these thoughts, in the distant part of his brain. When Patrick was still distracted, he acknowledged Richard Tozier, nicknamed by many students (and teachers) Trashmouth.

Richard was awkward and talkative at the same time. Richard watched SNL way to much since he memorized by heart Bill Harder’s repertoire. especially, Vinny Vedecci and his italian gibberish.

Trashmouth reminded him Harry Potter, mostly the body size, the glasses and the talk-back attitude.

His cigarette was slowly burning in his right hand while looking at the short boy, absentmindedly.

«Let’s go» said Patrick, slapping Henry’s thigh «Nelson, first period, right?» said Belch «can we just skip classes? a smoke a joint?» then asked.

Patrick replied: «why not» while eyeing Henry, seeking his approval.

Every student went to their class. The courtyard went creepily silent. They moved around the building and Patrick went straight to his favourite spot, the gym. The other three did not care were he was, they went downtown, all together. 

The rain started to pour down ferociously, a growing mud smell went to Patrick nostrils. Something dangerous this way comes, he thought. He saw Richard standing there, behind the brown wall, under the gym canopy. He was smoking a cigarette and when the shorter guy saw Patrick, panicked a: «Oh fucking shit, not you» trying to run away. Patrick bloocked him under his body and shushed his mouth with his wide chalk-like hands. 

Patrick was dead serious when he whispered: «Now, Richard, shut the fuck up or I'll will kill you.» he made a brief pause, checking if the other three boys followed him but no, the were not there «or I can spare you from humiliation. There are Henry, Belch and Vic with me. You must not make a sound. Understand?» Trashmouth nodded, eagerly. «Or I swear to that fucking God, you'll never see the light again.» Patrick felt dizzy for a moment. Richard's heat was overwhelming. He removed his hand from the shorter boy's mouth and he distanced his boy for few inches.

«You are fucking insane, you know that, right Hockstetter?» said Richard with a glim in his eyes. 

«I know, Tozier» said the older one, lighting his joint «and you know that you are not safe with me, right?»

«Call me Richie» the curly haired one said, still smoking «and I don't care, honestly. If you want to excuse me, Hockstetter, can we make this important discussion in the gym?» 

They both tossed away whatever they were smoking and Patrick broke into the structure with Richie. The latter took Patrick's hand and he dragged him into the locker room. 

«Kiss me» said Richie, straightforward.

Patrick satisfied his request with an enormous pleasure: he put his lips on Richie's and began to devour him in seconds. Hands were traveling on almost naked bodies and Patrick realised that he was into Richie and his mischievous yet magmatic gaze, all this time. He tighten his huge hands on the other boy's curly hair while still deeply kissing him, tounge and all. 

HE'S MINE, MINE, MINE, FINALLY MINE, NOT EDDIE'S BUT MINE, his brain frantically shouted. 

«We should go back» said Patrick between his breath.

«Yeah, I think so» replied Richie, stealing another kiss. 

Their faces were still red when they dressed themselves. «Where have you been, Mr. Hockstetter?» said Mrs Orson when Patrick sat down. «I left my lunch at home, Ma’am» he lied. Mrs Orson wanted to believe him and she did. Patrick didn't know what to think when he came back to class, as confused as he was yet wanted more. Richie wrong-feet him. Big time. That feeling was new and dangerous. 

Anyway, Patrick always liked the taste of blood, after all. 

[flickerikis]

RADIO FM 222: LOVE! — profiles 01 wolf gang Grr 🐺

𖤐 — @ hsnglee : our little mister curious who just cannot mind his own business! 1/7 of enhypen and the main vocalist of the band ☆ takes philosophy and liberal arts classes alongside his music and performative arts ones for fun but then cries about how it's all too much and that college is a scam ( it is but no one agrees with his whining :p ) ... avid listener of the 222: love podcast and religiously agrees with everything even if it's all just blatantly wrong, almost cultish with how much he's into that podcast ( says it's his form of comfort?? once growled at hoon for interrupting his listening session 😟 talk about furries ) has no idea abt who y/n even was except that they do illegal stuff and got like 13 stds so when he finds out abt them being the podcast host he's quite... taken aback to say the least !

⏤͟͟͞͞ @ jayuncovered : oh my god he's so done with everything somebody save him 😞 2/7 of enhypen and vocalist / rapper of the band ( he also plays the guitar when he can! ) ✧ fashion major ( r we surprised? ) and takes music production / music technology classes ( sexy brain 😛 ) honestly just needs to be given a break from all the shit he has to deal with on the daily, someone take the large cup of black coffee from his hands god ... gave 0 ( zero! ) fucks about the podcast until the host played a song he'd recommended in the comments passing by, swears he fell in love after 😍

✿ ⊹ @ laylalover1234 : weirdo warning ⚠️ resident ‘where's my hug’ typa guy he's a goddamn loser i'm sorry jake 💔 3/7 of enhypen and vocalist of the band ( also the guitarist!!! but his voice so pretty it’s enough to make every1 love him ) ⊱ he tutors people sometimes for extra cash as a music major with calculus light physics minor ( told u he's a fuckin’ weirdo ) ... listens to the podcast from time to time and ALWAYS manages to convince the hosts to play a justin beiber song like how white can u be.

⛸ ꠴ @ hoondotcom : honestly... no one knows what's wrong with him but they're certain as hell he's a mental asylum escapee ( nurse! ) 4/7 of enhypen and he's the pretty guy with a pretty voice — also music major who hosts ice skating classes at this small rink near the uni ( gets a lot of cash tbh go hoon ) ... does not even know wtf a 222: love is and firmly believes it's a government propaganda bc why the fuck is heeseung turning into a furry the more he listens ?

ఇ 𓈀 ˇ @ sunrio : biggest fucking instigator but no one gets mad at him bc ... well look at him! ( sunoo my 4ever pretty boy ) 5/7 of enhypen and is the one who does the modelling and stuff for posters or what not for the band ( also considers himself the recordian? recorder? idk but no one takes it seriously bc who tf plays a recorder in a pop rock band??? ) ≡ in music history class and the photography club it's so cute :( ... has been a guest at the podcast numerous times bc he loves the atmosphere there and they always give him so many compliments, everyone jus simps for sunoo sm <3<3

⧉ ৶ ﾞ@ wonsecretlife : bestest boy EVER!!! everyone adores the lil' junior grade representative :( 6/7 of enhypen and is the leader !! ( really cute voice too, everyone supports this boy sm <3<3<3 ) ໑ music technology and history major and also part of the photography club along sunoo :] ... literally is co-host of the podcast and is always so cute w it I JUST LOVE HIM SMMSMMSM !!!!!!!!! only one along niki and their friend group who knows y/n hosts the podcast and he's always so supportive my lil baby

⩇⩇ ៹ @ rikicide : oh lord. well first of all he's literally in his first year of uni and the boy's already a whole damn menace! sumn needs to knock him out for eternity PLEASE 🙏🏽 7/7 of enhypen and the youngest ( no one treats him like it though ) ꒷꒦ cute baby in composition and music technology who also does a lil bit of performative and fine arts bc he's just that good yk ?? ... also sometimes features on the podcast and always makes it chaotic but those eps are literally everyone's favourites bc he's so amusing to listen to literally what goes in his head? ( also aware of y/n hosting and literally knows them since he was in diapers [not really that long ago LMFAO] )

synopsis after accidentally finding out that the college's famous radio podcast 222: love was hosted by you – the college's infamous rebel, heeseung makes it his mission to uncover the secrets you hide but it isn't quite easy when he realizes he's starting to become a little too fond of the new sides he's discovering.

rambles PLEASE IGNORE THE TYPO IK YALL KNOW WHICH ONE I WILL LITERALLY PRAY FOR YALLS FIRST BORN TO ACHEIVE WORLD PEACE 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽 i didnt notice it at first and now im too lazy to redo it so js pretend it says said ok ? ok! anyway ya here i hate making profiles sm im so sorry for the cringe wave on hoons its supposed to be a part of his character 😢 i cant wait to share my lil baby smau w u all fr if u reblog ill kiss u (unless u dont want me to then im sor i js need the interactions bless u all)

taglist

[aweecrush]

i. Tonight is their last night in Derry.

The air is warm, and around her, it’s nothing but singing, and dancing, and happy, drunken shouts. Ma’s threats must have worked in the end, because they all passed their exams: they made it. She could swear she heard something close to emotion in her voice when Sister Michael sent them off school for the last time. It was such an odd feeling, knowing they’d never come back this time. They all felt it, she knows.

Their bags are ready now. For the past few days, the house has been even crazier than usual, everyone remembering something important for her to note and keep in mind, finding something new that she would absolutely need to put in her bags. By the end of it, she’d thought her bloody head was going to melt, but she supposes it's better that it was all so mental and loud and relentless the whole time. She's not sure she would have been able to cope, if the reality of what is coming had had time to settle.

(She doesn’t think that they would have, either. It's far easier for all of them really, that unstoppable level of energy up a notch.)

Tomorrow morning, she’ll hop in the car, and leave the city that she has known all her life. Clare and James’ planes won’t leave before the late afternoon. Michelle and Orla will stay here. For now, at least - who knows.

He doesn’t say anything for a while - just sits there next to her, his arm pressed against hers. He’s wearing a t-shirt and so is she, and she can feel the warmth of his bare skin.

“I can’t believe it’s over.”

“Well, we’ll come back - all the time.”

She knows what he means, though. Of course she does - it kept her up at night these past few days, just like it must have kept him too. All of them, probably.

The days and weeks felt so long sometimes, and now…now, it seems like everything’s gone by way too fast. Now, it’s all over.

She only notices the tears in her eyes when she feels a gentle brush of his fingers against her forearm, and Erin finally turns her head to see his green ones looking at her, as soft as his smile. That’s what he is, isn’t he, their wee English fella - always so soft.

“Yeah, we will,” he promises. ”It’s going to be okay.” His voice is so comforting, too. It always has been.

And so, Erin tries to smile back and lets her head fall on his shoulder, and chooses to believe him.

*

ii. It’s so strange, not seeing them every day. Her family, the girls - even Jim down the street. She hadn’t realized how full and loud her days were before the silence that comes with her to Burmingham.

It’s not always like this, of course, far from it: there’s always a class, a party, a fun book club. Something to be part of. It’s thrilling so it is, and she loves it. Still, life away from everything and everyone she’s ever known isn’t as easy as she likes to pretend, and sometimes, it’s like she can physically feel the loneliness. What’s missing.

When the Quinn-McCool clan leaves after their first official visit, Erin can’t quite contain her tears. “It will be alright, love,” Da says, his arm comforting around her, his smell grounding as she hides her face in his coat. Ma puts a warm hand against her cheek, Granda kisses the top of her head and Aunt Sarah and Orla squeeze her so hard, she can’t quite breathe properly.

“We’re never very far, Erin love,” her Aunt says. Promises, really.

Aye - so they’re not.

*

iii. The first time they’re all together again, it occurs to Erin that she’s probably never been this happy in her entire life. James had to stay in London with his mum for Christmas, but when he arrives a couple of days later to spend New Year with them, her heart leaps into her chest.

The gang’s finally reunited.

That night, in the packed and sweaty pub, they all have to bundle up into a corner, pressed against each other. None of them seems to mind.

*

iv. “Do you have a fella at home, Erin?”

The music is loud under the neon lights shining around Tara’s appartement, and she has to talk a little loud to answer. “Not really, no. I mean - no period, actually.”

Her friend just grins. “Well, Paul certainly likes you.” She turns, and at the other end of the flat, the boy waves a little shily before going back to his conversation.

As Erin stands at the window talking to him that night, she laughs at his jokes, even though his brown eyes don’t quite feel right.

*

v. Time flies by, and before she knows it, they’re starting their second year. 

Orla’s taken history and has joined Clare in Galway, where she’s still book deep into her law classes. She loves it, although they’re all afraid her number of cack attacks is only increasing. Erin can’t help but feel a little jealous that they have each other, but she’s glad. 

James’ still in London, having the time of his life - all summer, he’d told them about the amazing classes he had, the movies he got to study, the craker teachers. It's nice to see, really. He's happy - she likes seeing him like this.

Of course, Michelle kept telling him to shut it and instead, talked their ears off about how well she was doing at making her way up the chain at the bar already, but some things never changed (it was always more soft now, her teasing, or followed by a friendly punch, a smirk. Things did change - just the right amount.) The thought of Michelle with so much responsibilities is a frightening one, but in fairness, it is impressive, how far she’s come.

Erin’s still wavering through everything - adjusting more and more each day. She really does like it here, now. 

Some classes are a bit boring and she gets all red when she gets caught snoring once, she can’t stick her new roommate. She also finds out writing whilst in a terrible hangover is not all that class after all. Feck that - it’s absolute hell is what it is, no matter how cool and artistic it sounds. Paul always brings her cake with hot chocolate when it’s really bad, though. He’s sweet.

Sure, exams are always a pain, but they all call and cheer each other up as often as they can. It helps.

Life is good.

*

vi. They’re home for Easter break, and John Paul asks Erin out.

That one, she doesn’t see coming. None of the girls does, if the look on their faces is any indication. From the corner of her eye, Erin sees James get up from their table and head to the toilets. 

“The nerve of that fella - after standing you up like this at prom,” Clare hisses, still staring angrily at the door he’s just walked out of.

“Aye, he’s still a ride though.” Taking another bite of her brownie, Michelle shrugs. “Might be fun. Besides, you need a rebound now, it’s time.”

She’s not sure she does, really. Truth is, the break up wasn’t that painful. “Christ but we are on a roll now, aren’t we: Erin breaking hearts all over the place -”

“I’m not.”

“ - Clare getting it on with sweet little Helen - ”

“It’s not - we’re just - ”

“ - Orla spinning that fella over,” and her cousin just smiles, oblivious, “James with his perfect girl, me with that Scottish block. Well done lads!”

Well. Maybe they are doing alright.

*

vii. It’s way too late to call, of course. He answers anyway.

“Hello?”

“Shouldn’t you be sleeping at this hour?” On the other end, she hears him chuckle.

“I was on my way to go hit some clubs, actually: you know, fast life of the city and all that.”

“Aye, I did hear Tuesday nights were always wild in crazy old London - lucky you.”

“I know, right. It’s getting hard, really: I mean, I’m getting dangerously sleep deprived at this point.”

“You spent all night at the movies again, didn’t you?”

James sighs, feigning defeat. “Busted.”

“Let me guess: Star Wars and Notting Hill?”

“Actually, no,” and she rolls her eyes at the pride in his voice. “I saw Star Wars last week, so tonight was just Notting Hill and a rerun of The Godfather.”

“Yes, so I’m still half right.”

“More like half wrong, but I’ll humor you. What about you?”

Erin turns the pink cord of her telephone between her fingers, eyes still to her ceiling. “Not much, really. Started to write my English essay but I couldn’t really concentrate, so.”

“Right. Is everything okay?” The badly veiled concern in his voice makes her want to cry, for some reason.

It’s so stupid.

“Yeah.” It is, really. She’s just -

There’s a beat, another. In the silence, she can hear his breathing a bit. It helps, somehow. “Just wanted to talk for a bit, I suppose.”

“We’ll do that then.”

And so, he tells her about Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant, details her how wasted he ended up last weekend celebrating his mate’s birthday (‘I karaoked Like A Prayer on top of a table - please don’t tell Michelle’), sounds half disgusted, half impressed by the lad he’s seen being chased naked down the street by the police the other day. She asks about his stepdad, and he tells her about their last lunch at his new place, all fancy and stuff.

Buried under her covers in the darkness of her bedroom, her phone glued to her ear, she smiles, and laughs, and smiles some more.

“It does it to me too, you know,” he says after a while. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Don’t always know why it suddenly comes and then goes, to be honest, but - yeah. I love it here, I do, but - ”

“It’s hard sometimes.”

“Yeah.”

“But you have Emily, right? She’s great.”

“Yes. I mean - ” There’s a pause that seems to lasts more than it actually does - gets heavier than it is. Than it should be.

It’s probably just her. “Yes, she is.”

Erin holds her covers a little closer around her body, and smiles. She’s happy for him - she really is.

“What about you? How did it go with that Danny fella?”

“It didn’t, really. There’s Matt now, I suppose.”

“Oh. Well, that’s good.”

Holding back a shaky breath, Erin nods on her pillow. “Yeah - that’s good.”

*

viii. The night is grand.  

Clare’s friends are loads of fun. It’s her idea that they come and visit her to end the summer on a high, and it’s nice, walking around in the sun all day, only having to worry about where they’re gonna go get drunk that day. Well. Get down right pissed, really. 

Tonight is no exception.

Michelle’s snogging a lad in a corner, Clare’s at the bar, laughing at something Orla's doing, all pink cheeks and crazy blond hair. They’re dancing, too, and so is she, and so is James. His curls bounce on top of his head, and she laughs as he makes her swirl, then catches her, both their chests colliding in a soft oof. She can feel his warm hands at the small of her sweaty back, and her fingers clam to his shirt for balance.

The pub is packed, and it’s all smoke and beers and shouts. 

She hasn’t felt this good in a long time.

His green eyes are dazed with alcohol and crinkling with happiness when he leans forward, forehead almost touching hers, and suddenly, it feels like they’re seventeen again. In another pub - on another drunken night.

She’d wanted him to close the distance then, to just erase it and kiss her. When he had, her heart had stopped. It still does a bit, whenever she thinks about it.

She wants him to do it again. She’s been wanting him to, all summer, and tonight, her head spinning and all inhibitions sent to hell, she can finally admit it.

“Erin.”

His voice sends shivers down her back. He feels - solid against her. Right. Exactly where he’s supposed to be.

And then, Michelle surges out of nowhere, dragging both Clare and Orla behind her, and it’s a mess of tangled limbs and giggles. When they all part, dancing and jumping all around, she misses his warmth against her.

In the morning, they all go their separate ways and back to uni, and that night is only remembered as the last summer party, where Orla drank too much tequila shots and Michelle nearly rode a Robbie Williams’ look alike.

*

ix. She meets Cilian in the library, during the first term. They talk about Beckett for an hour, and when he smiles, she notices the dimple on his left cheek.

She struggles a bit with courses - she’s always managed studies and the work she got on the side, but essays and projects are pouring down on her, and it’s been harder than before. It’s getting more and more interesting, though.

She also kind of sets a room on fire that one time, but really, it’s not her fault.

Mammy sends her a couple of photos one day, and she smiles at how grown up little Anna is getting. It feels weird, everything moving so fast.

It’s good, though. That’s what life is supposed to be: moving forwards.

*

x. At Christmas, she brings Cilian home. She’s never brought anybody home before, but he can’t get back to his family for the holidays, so. Plus, she likes him. She really does.

It feels a bit strange, and of course, Granda eyes him the whole time, but her Da makes sure to chat with him, and her Ma always smiles at him gently, and it goes well.  He’s polite with her family, laughs out loud at Michelle’s coarse stories, finds he and Clare share the same favorite books.

They’re in their usual booth at the pub when James announces that he’s going to New-York. It’s an internship, and it’s absolutely grand, in this big movie company. He beat out twenty others applicants, and he’ll get to read scripts and attend production meetings all day, which basically makes it his dream job.

When Cilian offers to give him some addresses that he loved when he was over there, James accepts with a smile.

*

xi. The girls come to visit her for her birthday. They’ve been here before, and as always, it’s great. It feels…odd, a bit. Seeing three of them and not four, blowing her candles without him clapping along. 

Still, she watches as Michelle and Orla dance with her friends from uni, as Clare happily chats with her new roommate Ashley, and she smiles.

(As it turns out, it’s a shame they don’t say a couple more days, when the big, earth-rocking news come. It would have been fun, seeing each other's faces when they hear about it.

Instead, they’re left with the next best thing as Michelle calls them all up.

“Can you fecking believe that?!” 

All in all, it’s fair to say that Jenny Joyce’s wedding announcement arrives with all the gasp inducing shock and drama that she was probably very much hoping for.)

*

xii. As Erin crosses the gates, she can’t help the roll of her eyes.

A castle. Jenny’s tying the knot in a castle.

Of course she is.

July is shining bright, there’s a band playing in the middle of the court, where it’s all flowers and butterflies and glasses of champagne being handed by perfectly dressed, perfectly handsome gentlemen. She hasn’t crossed the front door yet, and it’s all already screaming ‘yes, I did plan the loveliest event of the year’. 

Dear lord.

They’re here for the whole weekend, and she’s already checked into her room when the others start to show up, one by one. Her cousin first, hand in hand with Otis - Clare with an in awe looking Julie - Michelle. When James arrives, Orla actually tackles him to the ground, she’s so happy.

They’ve never gone so long without seeing him - ever.

As it turns out, Jenny’s beau and his family are even more loaded than she is, and they’ve spared absolutely no expense. It’s the best food they’ve ever tested at every course, the loveliest bedrooms, and activities and dancing and unlimited booze. They’re still not sure why they’re invited (‘So she can show off, that’s why,’ Michelle comments, happily downing her four o’clock cocktail nonetheless), but Erin’s sure glad they are.

She has to give it to the girl: it’s absolutely grand.

The actual ceremony takes place on the Saturday evening, and although they’ve all been raging a little over this and that and the whole marrying rich thing for the past two days, more out of habit than anything else, Jenny really does look happy.

When they exchange their vows, Erin even has to swiftly swipe a tear out of her cheek. James is the only one who sees. “Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me,” he whispers in her ear as all the guests burst out in applause and shouts. She smiles back.

She can’t believe he’s actually here.

That night, the party is even better than everything else has been, somehow - the highlight (of her entire life, probably) being her and James having to escort a drunk Sister Michael back to her room closing on three in the morning.

His face is still half shock, half absolute delight as they lean against the wall railing of the back garden overlooking the lake. The fresh air does wonders for her skin, all hot from the dancing - and the, well, carrying -, her head is spinning a little, and she can’t stop giggling.

“I can’t believe that just happened,” he laughs. He’s tanned, and the green of his eyes are made that much enticing, somehow.

“The girls are going to be raging they’ve missed this. And when she talked about the - ”

“I know!”

“And then when fell and did the - ”

“I know! Christ.”

Their laughter slowly dies, replaced by the sound of the music further away, the whispers of a few conversations not far. They've been silent for a while when Erin turns to look at his face, still leaning on her forearms, as his gaze is fixed on the water underneath them. 

“Admit it - New-York is class and all that, but it has nothing on this place.”

He chuckles. “It hasn’t, no. No rogue polar bears, no one to steal my tent, no luggage full of vodka being destroyed on the street - I mean, it was getting kind of boring, really,” and she laughs. “I did miss it a lot, actually.”

“Really?”

He’s told them about his cool, fancy abroad experience, of course, but she hasn’t had a chance to properly ask him anything yet. Hasn’t dared to, maybe.

He looks back at her for a second. Another. “Of course.”

“We were afraid you weren’t gonna come back, you know.”

“Well, technically, I haven’t even finished uni yet.” She shakes her head at his confused expression.

“Come on, James - if you had the chance? It wouldn’t have mattered, right? I mean, I get it: dream job, dream team, dream city. Michelle mentioned your friends were great. Your girlfriend.”

His face changes a little. That expression, she can’t quite read.

“Right. Well, as I’ve said, I really did miss it here. And she’s - she got a scholarship to study abroad, so she’s coming to London at the beginning of term, actually.” 

Oh. “Plus, it’s - it was great, but I’m not sure I can actually see myself live there for real, though. It was only an internship.”

Inside, she can feel her tummy twist a little. A lot.

“Right. Good - that’s good.”

She’s not sure how long they stay silent this time. Not even sure why she speaks again. “Promise to call more often then, will ya?”

She means it to be playful, but it comes out more - real than she wants it to. He’s looking at her, though, and she feels like she needs to explain. “It’s just…you didn’t call.”

Well, twice. At the beginning, and then - never again, really.

There’s a beat, a few others, and she’s about to apologize and shrug it off, move on as if that didn’t matter, as if that didn’t hurt, when he speaks.

“I’m sorry, Erin. It’s just - you had your own life, and Cilian, and it was all going so fast over there, all the time. And that time difference thing is a bitch too, and I guess I just - ”

“You were real busy.” He’s got that hurt puppy expression now, and she smiles. “It’s fine, really. Just start picking up your phone again, American boy,” she shoulders him, and he smiles, nodding obediently.

“I will.” He looks down then, but before she can comment on how impressive Clare dance moves were tonight, he looks back up at her. “I did miss you, though. Really.”

Aye. She wants to tell him how much she missed him, too, but she’s not sure she has the right words for it, really. It doesn’t matter, though, because then he’s smiling again as he turns, facing her way.

“Also, you look really good tonight, but I’m going to put that,” he says as he shrugs off his jacket and starts enveloping her in it, “here, because you’ve got goosebumps all over your arms now, and seeing you turn blue once was enough for me.”

Again, the roll of her eyes is not even intentional. “For the last time, it wasn’t that bad, James. And for the last time, it wasn’t my fault!”

“Right. I’ll forever continue to think you falling into that pond was your own fault for drinking that much vodka, as will everyone - but nice try.” 

Erin just groans. Really though, when will people stop bringing that story up? “It was ages ago - stop it already.”

“Not until it stops getting that look on your face I won’t. Also, not to be a drag, but it was barely three years ago.”

Was it?

“Shite. It all feels like it’s going so fast, though, isn’t it? And now Jenny is just making it worse, marrying the love of her life at 21 - I mean, that’s not normal, right? We’re supposed to still be getting pissed and figuring things out - that’s normal.”

“Sure.”

“I mean, I still call my Ma because I still have questions about laundry sometimes.”

“I know - she told me.” She punches him for the mocking smirk on his stupid face.

“Oh shut it, James,” although she’s laughing, too. “Seriously though…Doesn’t it scare you sometimes? How fast it goes? How sometimes - sometimes, it feels like everything’s unfolding a certain way, and you don't have time to even think about it, and you’re…you’re just not sure that’s what you want? Not even sure what you want?” 

She’s sounding a wee bit mental now, she knows it. But he’s not laughing at her, and she realizes that this whole time, James’ been holding the front if his jacked closed around her body, his own body almost pressing against her.

“I guess it does, sometimes. But that’s just life I suppose. And you’re happy, right? With you friends - uni, Cilian? That’s what matters.”

She is. She loves her classes, and her friends are cracker so they are, and she likes Cilian. She really does. Sometimes, she thinks she could almost love him, one day.

Somehow, that’s not what she says.

“And you’re happy? With Lena, and her coming and all that?”

He should say it, too. He doesn’t.

She doesn’t know who initiates it, but she knows she certainly doesn’t stop it. She doesn’t want to stop it.

His lips are warm and soft against hers, so soft, it takes her breath away. He does. 

That night, the sound of their breathy moans fill the room, her fingers get lost in his brown curls, his hands burn every inch of her skin, and she wants to remember everything. She’s not sure her heart's ever beaten this fast before - not sure she’s ever felt this much before.

(She knows she hasn’t.)

His face buried in her neck, Erin wraps her arms around him, their legs entangled, and lets herself get lost.

*

xiii. “And how is everything love? Still working hard I hope? It’s your last year Erin, you can’t get lazy now.”

In the background, she hears her sister shout something at the TV. She sighs.

“I’m not, Mammy. I mean, it’s getting harder so it is - I swear it’s like they’re trying to make us fail at that point - ”

“Erin Josephine Quinn - ”

“But I won’t! I promise. What about yous? Is Granda doing alright now?”

“Ach don’t worry love, he’s all up and about now - it was nothing to worry about in the end. Michelle brought him something to eat from her pub yesterday, the nice thing.”

“That’s sweet,” she smiles.

“She brought him a couple of Guinness as well - when I got back, the two of them were laughing like drunken imbeciles.”

Overall, everything's going well. It’s weird, thinking that the life she’s known for almost four years now is almost over. Exciting, too.

It is, and yet, in a blink of an eye, she’s posing with her whole family, smiling wide as her friend Nessa takes the traditional graduating picture.

*

xiv. “Erin Josephine Quinn, as I live and breathe - ”

She rolls her eyes as dramatically as she can, even though she can feel the smile growing on her face already. 

Not that she can blame him, really. If someone had told her teenage self she’ll one day arrive in London with her luggages and ready for two years of Englishness, she probably would have laughed. Boked, more likely.

“Oh shut up, James.”

She still goes into his open arms - Christ, but she’s not seen him in…ages. Releasing a breathe she hasn’t realized she was holding, Erin hugs him back, her nerves settling a little at the concrete evidence that she won’t be completely alone in this big, scary town.

*

xv. She tends not to tell Granda that too much, but as it turns out, life in London’s not so bad.

It’s loud, really loud, but she does get used to it after a while, and there’s millions of things to see, to do. She finds a job, goes to the theaters more often than not, gets to know the best Irish pubs. Her flat isn’t that big, but it’s cute, central, and her roommate's nice enough, so she can’t really ask for much more.

James’ there most of the time, even though he has a life of his own, and it feels good - sharing a city with him. His first job is not everything that he wants it to be, but he works hard, and a lot. She’s proud of him, even though she wishes he wouldn’t put so much pressure on himself.

Her postgraduate studies are…fine. She still doesn’t know what she thinks of it, really - still doesn’t know what she wants. Until she does, it’s probably the best option, anyway. Clare agrees and always makes sure to encourage her whenever they’re on the phone.

“I still don’t get what possessed you to go surround yourself with so many English twats, but whatever suits you I suppose.”

When it comes to her new life, it’s fair to say that Michelle’s opinion is a little less enthusiastic.

* 

xvi. Both of them go back to Derry for Christmas, and a few days later, all of them are on their way to London for New Year’s Eve.

2002. Feck.

The party's pretty class. They decide to go just them - no significant others whatsoever. Not that they really are lots of them running around, to be honest. Apart from Clare and Michelle, it’s single-city in their little group.

There’s some of James’ friends from work, and they all drink, and chat, and dance, and drink again, and again. If there's a night of the year to be absolutely pissed, after all.

Tom is there - he works opposite James, apparently, and he’s good craic. She’s seen him before, and they hit it off. She’s always suspected he might sort of have a thing for her, and tonight, he confirms it. She makes it clear she’s not interested though, not like that, and they hang out anyway.

She’s laughing her arse off with Michelle, both of them completely and positively wasted, when Clare comes running off, both panicked and buzzing with excitement.

“It’s almost time, girls! We have to find the others - quick!”

In the big, crowded flat, it’s nothing short of a mission, but it feels like they’re on an adventure, and they really get into it, Erin riding on Michelle’s back and Clare pushing through, showing the same lack of mercy as she did when president Clinton went to visit Derry, and she had to guard their spot.

They have Orla now, but the New Year is just one minute away, and they still haven’t located James, and the sense of urgency keeps rising and rising as the seconds pass dangerously fast - and then Clare makes a turn, and he’s right here.

Well, not right here. On the other side of the kitchen area, kissing a girl with high boots and ginger hair.

“ - 3, 2, 1 - HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

And just like that, another year begins.

*

xvii. Tom is really nice. He’s funny, and she likes spending time with him. Even more so than she thought she would, actually.

It’s going really fast, too. Cilian was her longest relationship, and it feels a little like that, but so much - well, faster. He’s a nice lad, though. It’s only been two months when he asks her to go away with him for the weekend, and she accepts with a smile.

James has someone too now. Not the girl from New Year’s Eve - someone new, who he’s just met. She seems cracker.

Erin has her favorite London spots now, and she gets along with all her postgraduates friends except for that snobby Jessica girl. She tries running but ends up quiting real fast, but her friend Sarah always drags her to her yoga thing, and she goes, although she makes a point of complaining about it every time. 

That summer, for the first time in the history of the gang, they don’t get together. She sees Michelle really quick, and James catches Orla, and then his cousin, and Clare manages to squeeze a little time with each of them, but they’re never together at the same time.

It scares her more than ever, how things change. Particularly things like this.

*

xviii. “Jesus Christ - you’re wasted.” 

He collapses on the sofa, head on her lap, one foot dangling on the edge, and chuckles like an eejit.

“D’you know what? I think I might be, Erin.” She rolls her eyes, equally amused and appalled. 

Not that he’s the only one in that state, of course: the lights have gone down, the dancing part of the evening has started, and now, the whole party has turned into a shot contest.

“It’s really scary, how poorly you handle red wine - remind me to never let you go to France.” The jagerbombs probably didn't help much, but knowing him, the wine probably really was the major playing factor in that particular drunken mess.

“I think we’d have lots of fun if we went to France. Could be a revenge trip after that Paris shitshow and all that.”

“Could be, yeah - but let’s keep you here for a while.” He agrees with a nod, never one to start an argument, and Erin smiles as James closes his eyes, and sighs contently.

He’s very much a man now - a proper lad, as much as Michelle likes to pretend otherwise -, but watching him like this, happy and drunk and not a care in the world, all she sees the sixteen year-old boy again.

“You okay there?”

“I’m great. Never been better actually.” 

She snickers, her own head spinning a little. “Is that so. You look a little tired though, English.”

He wrinkles his nose a little. “Well, to be honest, I guess I sort of am? And my stomach hurts. My head too, now that I think about it.” 

She’s not really sure how much time passes as they just lay there among the conversations, and smoke, and pop blasting against the walls, a couple of her polished fingers running down his face to smooth the wrinkle between his eyes, her other hand buried in his curls.

She’s not really sure how much time passes before he speaks again, his voice almost too soft in the noise that surrounds them. “That helps, though.”

“Well, maybe I should stop it then - that would teach you to down Bordeaux like it's grape juice.”

“Technically, it is,” he argues. But he’s getting sleepy now, and his words come out as a mumble. Before long, he’s out for good.

Pete, James’ roommate, helps her to change his shirt, and get some water in him, and finally, finally manage to get him to bed despite his multiple, half-pronounced whines that he’s fine and could go all night long.

Right.

She stays for another hour before she decides to go home. Tom had only stayed for a couple ones at the beginning of the night before rushing to another party, so she gets her stuff, and heads to get a cab. Pete walks her out.

“Be careful with him, Erin?”

She smiles. “I know, I know - I should grab the wine right out of his hands instinctively at this point. I mean, he always says he’s getting better at handling it, but - ”

“No, I don’t mean that.” He chuckles a little, but his eyes don’t meet hers and his face turns serious. Concerned.

Her stomach flips.

“I just mean…James adores you, you know. He really does. And it’s - it’s not always easy for him.” He sighs, shuffles on his feet. “I know I’m drunk and I shouldn’t be telling you this - even sober, I shouldn’t be telling you this, because it’s none of my business, but…"

And then, he looks at her, his baby blues a little dazed, but focused.

“It’s hard for him, seeing you with other lads. It’s always been - always. And it’s even harder now that you’re with a guy he sees every damn day, but he’s still happy for you, because that’s just the kind of block he is. But it’s killing him, Erin. It is, and I just don’t think…You always being so close, and the drinks and the calls every day - and the moments like on the couch tonight…I just don’t think that that’s doing him any good. I know that it isn’t, actually.”

She must look rude, staring at him like this. Stupid, that’s for sure. It’s like - she can’t look away, though.

She’s just -

“I - ach, it’s not like that, Pete.” Her voice sounds shaken even to her own ears. She’s not sure why. “We just - we’re friends. We’re just friends, we’ve always been, since - ”

“Since you were fifteen. Yeah, I know.” He sighs, shakes his head.

Hers is spinning, and hurting, and she can’t think straight. “Did you know he was the one who planned the surprise visit they all made to you, back in first year of uni? I was there when he phoned the girls too, actually.” Pete looks back at her, and smiles, just a little. “You were having a hard time, what with being away from everyone again after the holidays, so.”

She didn’t know. He never said anything.

It doesn’t mean anything, though, because he’s just sweet like that, their James, and he’d do it for any of them. Pete knows that - she reminds him of that.

“Right. And did you know that he almost came to see you again? Beginning of third year - alone this time. I don’t know what exactly happened in that pub in Galway the summer before, but he was restless about it for weeks, so we told him to go, you know - to at least try. And then you phoned later that night and told him about that Cilian guy, and - well. He tried to move on after this, he really did - he literally ran away trying. But - ”

She’s not feeling well. She needs to sit, or…something. 

She needs him to stop talking.

“I was here for all of it. I was here after the phone calls, after the reunions, after the holidays. The night he broke up with that girl not long after you arrived in London, because she told him it was you or her.” This time, Pete hesitates, just for a second. “I was here after that Jenny’s wedding. And I’m telling you, Erin: it’s not doing him any good.”

All of the sudden, she feels his hand in hers, and Erin realizes that she’s - zoned out. He looks a little worried, and he squeezes her fingers, and it hurts.

In her chest, it hurts, and she doesn’t know why. 

She manages to focus on him again, just like he’s telling her to, and that’s when she realizes that she’s shaking a little. That she can't breathe properly.

“Erin - Erin, calm down. I’m sorry - I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I don’t.” She nods, somehow, and his face softens even more at that. He’s still holding her hand, and she holds on.

“I just…He has a girlfriend - he has Eva now.”

“I know.”

Erin finally looks back at him, the lights of the living room reflecting on his face. With a small smile, Pete sighs.

After a moment, he grabs her beanie for her, a gentle hand on her elbow. “Come on - let’s get you a cab, yeah?”

*

xix. She hasn't seen him in a week.

They have work, and other things, and they had nothing planned anyway.

She doesn’t manage more than a couple hours of sleep the entire time.

*

xx. November 24th, 2002.

If she had to guess, she’d probably say that this is the day everything goes to shite. Then again, maybe it did a while ago. Probably.

Definitely.

Not that she knows it at the time, of course. There’s no reason to suspect otherwise, after all.

(She’s been feeling like a ticking time bomb lately, feeling like her head - her chest - could burst any time. Every damn day.

She didn’t think it would all go down like this, though.)

She’s agreed to a drink with Tom’s mates, only realizing that it would be with his workmates that same morning. It’s good, though. She’s not sure if Pete talked to James about their conversation, but she’s thought about it, and it’s - Pete’s wrong, and it’s all fine. In any case, she doesn’t want to start avoiding him and make it weird.

Especially when there’s no reason to. Plus, she hasn’t seen him in a few days now, and that’s not usual. She misses him.

When he walks through the door, her stomach feels like jelly. 

It goes well. It always goes well with those lads, and today…It goes well.

That is, until, taking another generous sip of his pint, Curt starts telling them about his new place - and the one he’s leaving behind. 

“It’s really great, I’ll miss this flat to be honest. Actually - wouldn’t you two be interested?”

It takes Erin a second to understand that he’s addressing them. Her and Tom.

“What?”

“Well, it’s a great place for a couple - we really did love it with Rita. Plus, it’s not far from the office, not far from your UCL Erin, so - just saying.”

“You did say you were thinking about switching flat, honey,” Tom smiles, his hand squeezing her shoulder.

Conversations are still going all around their table, but in a second, and for what should be such a small, casual thing, too, it’s like everything resolves around that particular exchange. All she can see, Tom expecting, clueless expression, Curt’s curious one.

She can’t see him, her eyes fixed on them instead, but she’s never been more aware of James’ presence not so far from her. Of his eyes on her.

When she says yes, she sees him get up from his seat in her peripheral vision as Tom envelops her in a hug that feels far too tight.

*

xxi. James moves a few weeks after that night. Los Angeles, this time.

His old team from New-York got him an interview for this replacement gig where he’ll be covering someone’s job while they’re off traveling all around the world or something. For a year, apparently. 

He really hated his job in London.

*

xxii. Clare’s visiting this weekend.

It’s a surprise, too - she only calls once she’s at Victoria’s Station. Erin rushes so fast out of the café she’s working in, she literally falls on her own face.

The pub is packed and warm, her best friend is sitting right in front of her, all pink cheeks and shiny hair, and for the first time in a while, Erin smiles a real smile.

God, how she misses them.

“I’m taking her to meet my parents soon, actually.”

Erin stops mid sip, smirks. “Really?”

The girl’s entire face reddens, but her eyes are shining. “Really.”

“Aye, Clare, that’s so great! You have to introduce her to my Ma too though - she’ll have my head if you don’t.”

She’s sure Mammy will like her - Laura really is grand.

“How about you? How’s Tom?”

“I wouldn’t know, really. We kind of...split up.”

In front of her, her friend nods, almost knowingly.

“I thought as much, yeah. Just a feeling,” she adds at Erin’s questioning glance.

She looks down at her drink, then, and there’s a couple of beats before Clare speaks again. “That’s not the reason you look so sad though, is it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Come on, Erin.”

It’s probably because they’ve known each other for so long - since they were wains, really, three and barely standing on their two feet. But the second Clare says the words, blue eyes fixed on her, Erin understands.

She knows. Of course, she knows. She’s always been the brightest, after all.

Erin doesn’t want her to, though. She’s not…she doesn’t want to talk about it.

Her breath is short.

“You know, I always knew there was something going on between you two. Ever since our last year back home, really. I think the others suspected something too, actually - well, Michelle, at least. And I wasn’t sure when, what with you two being a pair of eejits, but - I always knew it was going to work out at some point.”

In her chest, there’s that feeling again. The one that never leaves now, not really. “And I know there were boyfriends, and girlfriends, and the whole distance thing, but every summer, every holiday back home, I thought - ‘right - this is it.’ I definitely did after you all came to visit me that year - and then, same after Jenny’s wedding. And then when you came to London, I could have put all my money on it so I could.”

Clare’s eyes turn even softer, somehow, and Erin realizes that she’s crying.

“What happened, Erin?”

And that’s the question, isn’t it. What did happen?

How did she end up here, on a bench in a Camden pub, her life a complete mess and her heart broken? That wasn’t the plan - that was never the plan. She’s not sure at one point it all went to shite like that.

As much as she’d like to pretend otherwise, the answer’s simple, though.

“I fecked it all up.”  As usual.

“Tell me.”

“There’s nothing to tell - I did, I fecked it all up, and now…Now he’s gone, and he’s not coming back this time.”

“You don’t know that.”

Feck but it hurts, so much, and maybe it’s not a bad thing, because at least it’s distracting her from the fact that she’s full on sobbing now.

Feck, feck, feck.

Her trembling hands hide her face, and Clare’s gentle ones come to rest on her forearms. Christ, but she’s pathetic.

“I do. I was so stupid - I was stupid, and scared and a coward. I fecked it all up, and now he hates me.”

Clare snorts. “James could never hate you, Erin. It’s actually quite clear it’s the opposite.” She can’t talk now, and so she just shakes her head. She doesn’t understand.

“Erin.”

When she finally looks up, Clare’s looking straight at her, unwavering.

“He doesn’t hate you. Now, tell me everything.”

*

xxiii. Finishing her second year of postgraduate doesn’t feel like such an achievement.  It doesn't surprise her, though: she’s known for a while now that it wouldn’t.

The job she picks up at this newspaper doesn’t pay all that much, but it’s enough to cover the roof over her head, the food in her fridge, the beers at the pub, and it gives her time to write on the side, so it’s perfect, really. Plus, her colleagues are nice, and her own age. They have fun.

*

xxiv. Spring comes and goes. So does summer. 

She gets to spend quite a lot of time back home - listening to Anna’s ramblings, Ma and Pa bickering, Aunt Sarah’s fortunes, Granda's shouts. Writing. Michelle and her drink so many free pints ‘on the house,’ she’s not sure how said house doesn’t go broke.

It feels good.

*

xxv. And so, there's work, her mates, her projects moving along more than she would have thought. The girls visiting more often, a lot of back and forths to Derry. On paper, it's not a bad year, really. It shouldn’t have been - 

But the thing is, acknowledging the fact that you’re in love with your best friend, that you have been for years and that you can’t pretend otherwise any longer when he’s thousands of miles away and you’re not even sure he’s ever going to come back - it does brings a cloud over the whole thing.

She’s grateful, of course. For everything that she does have, and for Clare listening to her call after call. For him being so perfect yet again, and not leaving her without news, making sure to always call. But she misses him so much, it’s all she can think about, every day, and she finds herself looking up the price of transatlantic plane tickets more and more often.

And then one day, he calls to tell her he’s coming back. It’s ridiculous to say that her heart stops, but it does.

He insists that it’s fine, that she doesn’t have to, but when his plane lands back home, Erin’s already waiting for him in the airport. She has to.

(And she knows - she knows she’s pathetic, and dramatic, and a lot more, probably, but…She does. She does have to see him.

She’s not going to run all over Heathrow with some romantic music playing in the background, and confess her love, apologize for being such an eejit, and beg him to say that maybe, just maybe, he does feel the same. Despite popular belief, she knows life is not a movie - that there’s a lot more, that it's not as simple. 

She will tell him, though. Soon. And for now, she really, really needs to see him.)

As the first people start to appear through the gate, she can feel her heartbeat speeding up. Again, and again, it’s excruciating really, and - and then, there’s James, all green eyes, denim jacket and wild curls. As soon as he sees her, there’s also a huge grin on his wee face, and she thinks hers might very well be just as bad.

She almost tackles him to the ground, but he catches her, his arms around her holding her up, and Erin thinks she might cry, she’s so happy. She does, really.

“Ach, you have to stop disappearing like that, you eejit.” She can feel his laugh against her chest, his smile on her neck.

She tightens her arms even more.

"If I promise I will, will you let me breathe again?"

She gets off him, her witty response already on her lips, but then there’s an arm on his shoulder instantly replacing hers. Attached to it, a girl, a smile.

She’s gorgeous.

“You must be Erin!”

And that is how she meets Amy’s, James’ new, American girlfriend.

*

xxvi. Obviously, she can’t tell him now.

“Obviously, this doesn’t change anything: you have to talk to him.”

Well.

“Clare - ”

“He deserves to know, Erin. It’s bad enough you’ve let it go that long - it’s time.”

Ach, that stings a little. “That’s not fair…I didn’t - know. I didn’t really know.”

“Right. And now you do, and I’m telling you: you owe it to James to tell him the truth. To yourself as well, actually.”

“He’s happy. He’s…he looks happy.”

He does, and she’s gripping the receiver so hard, her knuckles are turning white.

At the other end of the phone, Clare sighs. “Look, Erin, I don’t know if that girl’s the one. I really don’t. I don’t know how long it will last, I don’t know if they’ll break up tomorrow, if he’ll marry her. But…” Her voice is softer now, and even though she knows she’s frustrated, and determined, Erin can hear the compassion in it. 

She drags her arm accross her face before she looks more stupid than she already does. 

“But I do think that after all these years, he deserves to know. And truth is, whether or not he feels the same is not the issue here, because I know that in any case, he’ll want you in his life, and you’ll want him in yours. And for this to work, you have to be honest. I’m not saying it will be easy - I’m just saying, it’s a lot better than having to sit across from him every day and having your heart broken, and wondering. You can’t move on unless you go through with it, Erin.”

*

xxvii. She hears him before she sees him. The night is kind of cold, but the fresh air does wonders for her face.

Jesus, but it’s hot in that flat.

“You know hiding up won’t help for long, right? You will have to blow your twenty-five candles at some point.”

She groans, even though she can’t help a smile. He comes to lean next to her then, the London’s lights all laid out underneath them, and even in the dark, she can make out his mocking smirk. “It'll be alright - you still have a good couple of years left.”

When he winces from the elbow she puts in his side, it’s her time to look smug.

From there, they can hear the distant noise of the conversations, the laughs. Saturday Night playing. She’s not sure how long they stay like this, looking down at the city. The relative silence of the rooftop feels good though - soothing.

“You okay? You look a little out of it tonight.” 

She shrugs, smiles. “I’m grand. Just, you know…Quarter of a century and all that, I suppose.”

“Come on - you’ll be fine.” He bumps his shoulder gently against hers, his scent suddenly everywhere, and Erin feels her chest tightens.

She feels like crying.

It must show, because when he speaks again, the concern is evident in his voice - the worry. It makes it even worse, and she hates herself.

“Hey, it’s alright. Michelle was only joking when she said it’s all downhill from here, you know. I mean, look at her: she passed that milestone a few months ago, and she’s now at her best drinking-wise, work-wise, and - and I will never be able to unhear this - shagging-wise.” 

He’s teasing, of course, and she’s chuckling, and he’s smiling because he managed to make her, and Erin wishes he’d stop there. That they’d change the subject, which he’ll never do, because it’s James, and of course he won't stop until he knows she's alright. Always the knight in shining armor, that English.

They should head back to the party. She should lead them there.

Before she brings herself to, though, he speaks again. “Out with it now, Erin. What’s going on?”

They really should head back downstairs. And then, and yet -

“I’m not with Tom anymore.”

There’s a small pause, barely a second. A hesitant one.

“I know. I’m sorry about that.”

He sounds a bit taken aback. Why wouldn’t he? It was more than a year ago now. 

“I broke it off right after you left. The very day you left, actually.” She should stop now. It’s still time to stop. “And - the day I met Paul, when I went and talked to him at that party, I was really missing you. A lot. And I was also really missing you when I broke up with him.”

Next to her, she can feel his whole body tense.

Her breath’s short. 

“I don’t think there would have been Danny if you hadn’t had Emily, I don’t think I would have jumped into such a serious thing with Cilian if I could have stopped thinking about what could have happened when we went to visit Clare. It felt wrong, bringing him home, and - and it all felt so right at Jenny’s wedding.”

“Erin - ”

“It did. For me, it did. And when I came to London - well, I could have gone anywhere I suppose, couldn’t I? When I came here, I guess I was hoping…and then one minute I was telling Tom I wouldn’t go out with him, and the next, everyone’s yelling ‘happy new year,’ and we find you in that kitchen with that girl, and I go back and tell him the exact opposite. Like an eejit.”

“Erin, please stop - ”

“I think I'm in love with you, James.”

She finally looks at him. He does the same, and the yearning for him pushes on her chest so hard, it hurts. “And I don’t know why I’ve just said that, because I don’t think I am - I know. It took me fecking forever to admit it, but…but I do know.”

She’s never been more sure of anything.

It’s all a little too much now, and she lets her eyes focus on the city lights once again, lets the air fill her lungs. Tries to, at least.

“And I apologize, because I also know that you probably don’t want to hear this, that it’s fecking everything up. That you have someone, that you’re happy now. And it’s fine - really, it is.” Feck, but she’s crying now. “I’m not trying to change that, I am happy that everything’s going so well for you, I swear I am. Shite - I don’t even know why I’m crying, it’s just… I’m a bit drunk I think, and - ”

“Is that why you’re saying all of this?”

His voice is…odd. It’s not surprising, given what she’s saying, but it’s - distant.

It makes her look up to him. “Because you’re drunk?”

He’s staring at the ground beneath them, although she knows he’s not really looking at it. She shakes her head, even though he can’t see it.

“No.” She’s barely had one drink, really. “I’m saying it because...because it’s true.”

“Sounds familiar though, doesn’t it.” He chuckles, not an ounce of humor in it. “I mean, you’ve just said it: at that pub when we were in Glasgow, at Jenny’s wedding. At that party too, when we were still in school, the very first time - always a lot of alcohol involved."

“I just - ”

“You just what, Erin? Feel lonely, and need someone to comfort you until the next perfect lad comes along?”

“It’s not like that - ”

“What's it like then? Please, explain to me what exactly this is, Erin, because it’s been ten years, and it’s really starting to look like whenever you're in the middle of a romantic crisis of any sort, or lack of actually, you have a habit of coming to me pretending to feel things that always, always disappear come the morning, before running off with a brand new fella the very next day.”

He looks so angry - so frustrated. She’s never seen him like that. He’s never looked at her like that.

She can’t cry though. Jesus but she can’t - she has to stop. 

Please God, make it stop.

But he continues, and her stomach twists so much that she feels like throwing up. “Not that I blame you, really: I mean, it does always seem to work out for you in the end. But the truth is Erin, I’m sick and tired of being the idiot who always comes running as soon as you whistle for him to, only to end up like a prick who should have known better.”

No. No, no, no -

“You’re not - James, you’re my best friend, and - ”

“Am I?" He’s looking right at her, his green eyes filled with - so much.

She can’t breathe. "Is that why I’ve earnt that special treatment all these years?"

She wants to stop him, tell him that she’s sorry. Tell him she hates herself too, beg him to forgive her. She wants to say all of this and more, so much more, but she can’t breathe, and she can’t talk, the words stuck in her throat.

He looks away, and she wishes she hadn’t seen the new pang of hurt that crosses his face before he buries it in his hands.

In the darkness, she can see them shake, almost as much as her own.

"Jesus Erin, every time - you do this every fucking time! And your timing is always impeccable as well, I mean - it’s impressive at this point, really.”

He turns back to her, his eyes almost dark. “How do you do it? How does that happen exactly? Do you sense it or something? ‘James might be happy, time to swoosh in and fuck everything up’?”

“No! Of course not - James, please, I swear, I’m not trying to mess everything up, I just…I wanted to say something for so long now, and I know it was still too late, but before that - I didn’t know before, I just didn't realize it at the time I think. I was stupid, I was so fecking stupid, I know that now, but - ”

“Pete told me.”

There’s a beat. Another.

“What?”

“After the party at our place - before I left for Los Angeles. Pete told me what he said to you.”

Right. She always thought he did, really.

It physically hurts now, the way he's looking at her.

“Yeah. So which is it, Erin: you didn't know, or you just didn't care?”

So many times, she's imagined this moment- fantasises it. How she'd apologies, take responsability for her stupidity/ Let him know that. As much as her mind would often wander off to what might happen if he did feel the same, if he forgave her, she always knew it wouldn't be as easy, no matter what direction their relationship would take. She knew. She thought of everything he'd say, each thing she'd respond to explain.

It hurts so much though, the pain still visible behind his rage, his voice - the fecking regret.

She was confused. Trying to pretend she didn't feel what she felt because it could never lead to anything, and then because she was scared. Stupid. Scared.

She does care. She always will, when it comes to him.

But she's not even able to offer him that, and as the tears roll down her cheeks, and something breaks between them, he averts his eyes (disappointed, frustrated, hurt, hurt, hurt) and Erin feels something breaks in her chest, too.

He swallows, does that thing with his lip. Scoffs.

“Jesus. You know, I've been in love with you since we were sixteen. Maybe even before that actually - I don't know. And I've watched you swoon over David Donnelly, and John Paul, and all the others, and even though it felt like someone ripped my freaking heart out every time I saw you with one of them, I never said anything, because - because it was still worth it. If I still got to see you, if I still got to speak with you, be in your life…it was, no matter what.”

It’s happening - the worst possible outcome of this whole mess. She knows it before he even says it.

It doesn’t mean she’s ready when he does. "But I don't think I can do it any more. I thought it would stop at some point - when we went to different cities, when we met new people. Built a life. I was hoping time would just do its work or something because really, it’s ridiculous: you can’t be in love with someone who doesn’t love you back for an entire lifetime. But nothing’s changed, and - I can’t do this anymore,” he says again. “Pretty sure it’ll kill me if I have to go through it again.”

He looks back at her. All trace of anger is gone now. Somehow, it's a hundred times worse.

The silence is deafening.

“I - I understand,” she manages after a while. An eternity.

She’s not sure anymore. “Thought you might never see me again. I had it coming, hadn’t I,” and it comes out more desperate than she means it to.

It’s difficult, though, right now - keeping control.

“I uh - I get it. I really do, but I just need you to know that - I do. I swear, I do love - ”

“Please, don’t say it Erin -”

“I love you.”

She wishes she could stop the tears, making it all look like a rehearsed, pathetic piece, much too aware of what it looks like. Sounds like.

But she’s not trying to make him pity her, or gain sympathy, she just has no control anymore, none over years and years of suppressed - everything. And most importantly, she does. She does love him, and it’s so important that he knows. 

“I love you. I know I fecked up, and you’ll probably hate me if you don’t already, and you don't want to hear it but - I really need you to at least know that.”

He snorts. "Hate you."

In the tamed light of the night, the one that’ll probably haunt her for the rest of her life, the lines of his face are well defined, his Adams’ apple the only movement visible from him, the only indication of what’s going on inside.

He’s beautiful. It’s such a stupid thing to think about in this particular moment, and yet - he is. He really is, and the certainty that she might never see him again after tonight is unbearable. And so, Erin looks at him while she still can. 

She’s not sure how she’ll go on, if she doesn’t remember every detail. Every line, every shadow.

“Why now, Erin?”

The words are so softly spoken, it’s almost funny, how they manage to cut through a silence that’s become so thick. So heavy.

“I dunno.” She doesn’t, really.

Why did she? Why didn’t she wake up when she was 20, when she was 18. When she was 16, and she fell in love with the wee English fella that had just entered her life.

Christ.

She wishes she could say more. She wishes she could answer better, explain, but the truth is, she doesn't know what to say. There’s no excuses, no rationality. She doesn’t want to pretend there is. He deserves better.

She wishes she could talk to him, though.

But the words are stuck in her throat, her eyes glued to his green ones, sad and angry and so many more things at the same time. She can’t.

Way too soon, she watches as James mumbles his goodbye, and Erin finds herself standing on her deserted rooftop, her fingers cold, her heart broken in what feels like a million pieces as the boy she is in love with turns away.

(Is, has always been. Will always be.)

*

xxviii. “Dear James,

I know you don’t want to see me. I don’t blame you, really. You probably don’t want to read me, either, and I’ll understand if you just stop now and tear that letter up. Maybe you should. Heard my letters can be pretty boring, actually.

It’s not the first one I write to you. The first’s still in Derry - in my diary. I didn’t think I’d ever show it to you, or tell you about it to be honest. But after you almost left the city to go with your mum that day, after you almost left us, I felt the need to have it on record or something - that I couldn't imagine that place without you. That I didn’t want to. Looking back, maybe that was when I started realizing - well, everything.

I won’t get into all that I’ve said the last time we spoke. I meant all of it, including the fact that I’m not trying to ruin anything for you. I swear I’m not - please know that. I just want to say what I couldn’t that night. Or all the years before that, really.

Which is that I’m sorry. I’m really sorry it took me so long to understand, and to get it together. I’m sorry I’ve been such a coward, and so selfish. Pete did talk to me, and from that moment, I should have - well, there’s so much I should have done. And said. Even before that. I’m sorry that I didn’t, and most of all, I'm sorry that I’ve hurt you all this time. If you only choose to believe one thing from all of this, please pick this one, because that’s the last thing I’d ever want to do, James. I’m really sorry.

I hope that one day you’ll forgive me for all of this, including me telling you all that out of the blue. Ten years is a long time though, I think I just really couldn’t go on pretending any more. Truth is, I thought I owed it to you as well, because no matter what, you’re my best friend, and the person I’ve loved the most.

Aye, I’ve probably sent you to sleep now. I promise I won’t write any other letters - life is shitty enough as it is, isn’t it.

Erin, xxx”

*

xxix.  She’s been 25 for a whole month.

Life’s been absolute shite for just as long.

*

xxx. Groaning, she finishes her paragraph, and bends down from her chair to pick up the pages that have once again slipped out from that stupid desk of hers. Not that putting them back changes anything to the chaos around her, really: the place looks post-apocalyptic.

It’s not really her fault though. Well, she has been alone in the flat for a week, and technically, she’s also been setting up a very questionable yet functioning organizing system for her ongoing articles and draft all over the living room, papers and forgotten empty tea mugs everywhere. But in her defense, work has been absolutely crazy lately, and well - she had to adapt.

Which is good - she wants it that way. Actually went above and beyond to get as many articles as possible. If Gary’s surprised at her demand, and at the speed at which she’s been delivering, her eyes a little red from exhaustion and her smile a little stiff, he doesn’t say anything. She’s grateful.

When she’s not writing for work or trying and falling to sleep, she focuses on her book. Christ but it’s weird, articulating that thought.

She’s writing a book.

It probably won’t amount to anything, but Erin finds that she doesn’t care that much. Maybe it won't - it surely won't, but she’s been saying she wants to for years, almost a decade, and it’s time to own up to what she wants, and act for a change. So, she does. And even if it does turns out to be shite, she’ll just write another one, this time with more experience.

Plus, it feels good, writing. It’s about the only thing that does, lately.

She’s getting a move on though. Her roomate has sworn she’d, quote, “beat her to death with a stick” if she came back to find her drowning in a pool of self pity, so she’s trying - to go for a beer after work, to go down to the coffee shop and work there sometimes. To go read at the park, or to the movies. She keeps her word - she stays busy. (Distracted.)

It’s almost three that afternoon when there’s a knock at the door, and she smiles. Clare has warned her that her (“very late, I’m so sorry Erin, but you’ll absolutely love it”) birthday present will be arriving soon.

Finishing her sentence really quickly, she gets up, tying her mess of hair in a bun and making sure her jeans are buttoned, and opens up.

And that’s when her heart almost jumps out of her chest.

“Hi.”

It - takes her a second. 

A few, actually.

“Hi.”

She should probably say something else. Anything else. She definitely should, in fact, she just - can’t.

James saves her from herself.

“Sorry to show up announced, I just…Do you have a minute?”

“Yeah - uhm yeah sure,” she finally manages to shake herself. “Come in.”

When he brushes past her, she gets a whiff of his perfume, and the familiar smell and the sudden realization of what’s happening set off a wave of relief and - so much more.

Feck, she’s missed him. She does miss him.

“Were you working?,” he asks, gesturing towards the papers scattered on the floor.

“Kinda. I mean, yes I was. But I was about to take a break anyway, so.”

“I won’t take long.”

Please do. Please, please, please, stay.

“It’s no trouble,” she says instead. “Do you want something to - ”

“I’m sorry.”

They haven't looked at each other in the last, very few seconds since he's entered, and her eyes snap back up to meet his.

She can't read them.

“What?”  

“I’m sorry. About your birthday, about…” He sighs, and she thinks he’s frustrated with himself.

She’s not sure why. “I was a dick - I shouldn’t have talked to you like that.”

“You - James, you have nothing to apologize for. I - ”

“I do, actually. It was much easier to pretend otherwise, but - I do. I shouldn’t have talked to you like that,” he says again. “I shouldn’t have snapped. Especially when I was being such a hypocrite.”

Her brain is not functioning that well, that’s for sure, but she’s so hyper focused on him, she does see it. The way his chest rises with difficulty. The way his face both softens and falls at the same time. 

The step he takes,  closer to her. “I blamed you for everything, but the truth is - I never said anything either. All these years…I never said anything. And apart from almost jumping in a plane one time, I never did anything. I literally ran away instead - twice. So I’m the last person who can come at you about being a coward.”

Around them, nothing’s changed - at least, she doesn’t think so.

Yet, it’s becoming harder to breathe.

“At least you actually had the courage to do something in the end. And I’m sorry I was such a fucking prick when you did.”

“You’re not a prick,” she breathes. Without even realizing it, really.

“Pretty sure Michelle would disagree with you on that one.”

He smiles at her, then, and she smiles back, and for a split second, it’s like everything fades - the fight, the heaviness.

For a second, there’s just - him. That look. The warmth in her entire body she only feels when he’s around. And then - 

“I broke up with Amy.”

He’s looking straight at her. 

Her brain short-circuits.

“What?”

She vaguely realizes that it’s her own words she’s just heard. That her heart’s racing in what is probably a worrying way.

Everything’s going on so fast, and she’s not - She doesn’t understand what’s happening. 

“I wasn’t being honest with her anyway, was I. Not with her - not with the others.” He takes a breath, almost imperceptible. “Not with you."

She’s not sure how long they stay like this, staring at each other in her messy living room, the sound of the city acting as a back noise filling the otherwise silent room, her remaining breakfast still on the coffee table.

She’s not sure of anything.

But James moves, then, and her watery eyes follow his as he looks down to his jacket pocket, his fingers slipping inside.

“I didn’t want to read it. I was afraid that you’d tell me you’d never want to see me again, and that I wouldn’t be able to pretend I could come here to apologize for being such an idiot for the past ten years. I cracked right before I knocked at your door, though.”

It’s stupid, because she knows what it is. Of course she does. Yet, when he takes out her folded letter, her stomach does a somersault inside.

 “I don’t think your letters are boring, by the way.”

He finally looks back up at her, and it takes her a second to do the same. When she does, the look on his face is…well. 

Her fifteen years-old self would be appalled, but again, she doesn’t have the words for it.

She doesn’t understand what’s happening.

She freezes.

“Did you mean it?” He's getting even closer now, a slight hesitation in his steps. An anxiousness that reflects on his face, in his eyes.

There’s something else, too - there's so much. 

He stops, so close, she can almost feel his breath on her skin. "Because - because I did.”

She barely has time to pray that he’s referring to the part of that terrible night that she hopes he is, that he’s confirming it. “I’ve been in love with you since we were sixteen, Erin. And I haven’t been able to stop.”

Christ, but her vision blurs. 

“I don’t want to stop.”

She doesn’t understand - With a final step, James closes the distance, his forehead against her, and she doesn’t want to understand, to believe what she thinks he’s saying, because it’s all too much. It’s like the air has been knocked out of her, but she doesn’t want to let herself believe, hope, because there’s no way he can forgive her, and there’s no way -

If she lets herself believe this is actually happening, and it’s not true, there's no way she’s not going to survive it. She knows she tends to be dramatic - she knows.

But she won’t.

“I thought you were going to hate me,” and feck, she’s sobbing now.

She can’t see his face, but she feels his small puff of air on her chin as James chuckles. 

“Couldn’t even if I wanted to.”

He kisses her despite the tears and the snot that’s probably here and despite the mess that she is, and it’s desperate - desperate, and perfect. Yet, not enough.

She holds him as close as she can, her arms so tight around his neck, it hurts a little. It probably hurts him too, really, but he doesn’t seem  to mind, and she just - One of his hand keeps her close, the other lost in her hair, his lips softer than they have any right to be against hers, and Erin’s never felt so much before.

Her heart keeps skipping beats.

“I’m sorry,” she says between kisses as they reluctantly part to breathe, just for a second. “I’m so sorry, James.”

“I know." His lips barely leave hers before he’s kissing her again, and again. “I’m sorry.”

“I did mean it.” She threads her fingers in his curls, molds her body into his as best as she can. When she leans away, just a bit, he groans and leans back in for her lips, and it sets off the butterflies in her stomach. "I'm so in love with you."

At that, his half opened eyes leave her lips to meet hers. In the ten years that she's known him, she's never seen him smile quite like that.

"You are, huh."

They have so much to talk about - she has so much to say to him.

But as James holds her close, clinging to her like he's afraid she might slips away, Erin just takes in his happy, smug little smirk, the crinkles of his eyes, and pushes on her tiptoes to kiss him again.

*

a year later.

He wakes up slowly, gently.

The early afternoon sunshine comes to tickle his face, and he scrunches his nose a little, his well inherited eyebrows furrowing in that way that’s oddly enticing. He rubs his face against her skin, burying it even better in her neck to escape the source of his growing annoyment, and she lets her hand travel on his shoulders, his upper back before moving it back to his curls.

They’ll have to add curtains for the living room to the list of things they still need to buy.

Dropping her book on the wooden floor, Erin let her eyes wander over the room, the big plant put on the corner for the time being. The still very much unpacked kitchen a little further, the boxes here, scattered all around the couch. 

Against her, James moves a bit, his body warm and heavy. She moves her now free hand up his arm, wraps it around him to hold him even better, a wave of affection for him washing over her. The window’s open, and she can vaguely hear music coming from somewhere on the street. Their new neighborhood is absolutely cracker.

In his half asleep state, James tightens his hold on her.

“What time is it?,” he mumbles after a while, lips moving against her skin.

“Dunno. Around two, I think.”

She massages the back of his neck, heart fluttering when he sighs heavily, content.

“We have a lot of unpacking to do.”

“We have a lot of unpacking to do,” she smiles as he looks up at her with those half open green eyes of his.

“We’ll have to get up from the couch soon.”

“Aye.” 

She runs her thumb along his jaw, and he closes them back, all but purring as he hides his face again, his fingers moving lazily under her shirt, his touch warm on her back.

“Five more minutes, though.”

Chuckling, Erin drops one, two kisses on the top of his head, his scent filling her senses.

“Sure, baby.” 

As his lips graze the skin of her throat, she holds him even closer, and closes her eyes.

It's okay - they’ve got time.

Also on AO3.

[doubleleoenergy]

ii. Dark Times, The Princess and the Pogue Series

Waking up, half past five, blood on pillow and one bruised eye. Drunk too much, you know what I'm like, but you should've seen the other guy.

Series Masterlist

Pairing: JJ Maybank x fem!reader

Warnings: 18+ ONLY, slight mention of blood, mentions of bruises, swearing

Summary: The events at the Boneyard leave JJ with visible evidence of what took place. Thankfully, JJ’s met with a friendly face.

Words: 2445

JJ is startled awake by his alarm clock beeping over and over, groaning as he slammed his fist on the snooze button.

5:30 A.M.

“Fuck.” He cursed, burying his body under the thick comforter. It was the first day of his senior year and he felt like shit. JJ had gotten back to John B’s place a little after midnight and the pair had passed out immediately in their beds.

The alarm went off again, JJ rolling out of bed and unplugging the alarm all together in frustration. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed, rubbing his palms against his bare thighs. The events of last night ran through his head, still slightly hungover and his eye throbbing from where Kelce sucker punched him. His eyes travel to his pillow, dried remnants of blood from the cut on his forehead. He should probably take a shower and at least attempt to clean up and look semi-decent for the first day.

JJ grabbed his towel off the floor, opening the bedroom door and heading into the bathroom. He caught a glimpse of his expression in the mirror, touching the skin that was freshly purpled under his eye. JJ turned the handle of the shower to the hottest setting, letting the water warm up as he shrugged out of his boxer-briefs and stepped in.

The water seeped into his skin, relaxing his muscles and clearing his thoughts for the moment. He normally was the guy to start fights just because he could, or come to the defense of his friends, and it felt different for someone to view him as the good guy for once. Someone like y/n, who knew nothing about him or his past.

He washed his body of the blood, dirt, and sweat from the night before, standing under the water until it ran cold. Finally, he turned off the water, wrapped his lower half in his towel, shaking his blonde locks as he left the bathroom.

“Hey, man.” John B stated, sitting back against the couch, his fingers typing up a message to the gang on when he’d leave to pick them all up for school. John B finally looked up at JJ, squinting his eyes, his face full of pity. “He socked you pretty good last night, JJ.”

JJ scoffed, grabbing a bowl for cereal and pouring the contents in, grabbing the half-used milk from the fridge and filling up the bowl.

“You should see the other guy.” He retorted, a big grin on his face as he stuffed a spoonful of cereal into his mouth.

“Who was she anyhow?” John B questioned, kicking his feet up on the coffee table.

“Y/N? Said she just moved back here from Montana. Used to live here when she was little.” He shrugged nonchalantly, stuffing another bite into his mouth.

“She seemed into you, JJ.”

“Nah, man. She was just thanking me for beating the shit outta Kelce.” JJ claimed, tossing his finished bowl into the sink.

“Whatever, man. The way you’re acting shows me you might be into her too.” John B stood up, walking towards the bathroom to shower before they had to leave.

“We don’t even know if she’s a Kook or not!” He called out, hearing the door shut and the shower start. JJ walked towards his room, peeking his head outside the door. “By the way, there’s no hot water.”

“Fuck you JJ!”

The Pogues pushed through the front doors of Kildare County High School, mingling with the other students as they walked down the hallway towards their lockers.

“JJ, starting the semester off right with that shiner.” Kiara teased, earning a middle-fingered salute from JJ.

“Not funny, Kie.” He called out walking backwards down the hall until he turned, knocking into the person in front of him, sending their backpacks, and bodies, flying into the white vinyl tile floor.

“Fuck!” Y/N cursed, rolling herself off her back and scrambling to get up.

“Sorry, I wasn’t paying…” JJ trailed off as he got to his feet, remembering her features immediately. “…attention. Shit, y/n, I’m sorry.” JJ held out his hand to help her up, pulling her to her feet as she grabbed her phone and backpack off the floor.

“Hey, JJ. It’s all good.” Y/N mumbled, smoothing out her dress. JJ thought she looked beautiful, her body clothed in a forest green dress with tiny white flowers, a black belt pulled tight to cinch it in at the waist. Her feet were covered in a pair of plain white sneakers, a few scuff marks on the sides to show that they were worn in.

“Oh, I brought this in case I ran into you. Not that I meant to physically run into you like this.” He dug his hand into the back pocket of his cargo shorts, pulling out the bandana from the night before. “Sorry, I didn't have time to wash it.” JJ dropped the bandana into her hand, locking eyes with y/n. She couldn’t help but get lost in her train of thought, his ocean blue eyes distracting her.

Y/N pulled herself back to reality, a bright blush spreading on her cheeks as she stuffed the bandana in her backpack. “Uh, thanks. Your eye looks…well, like shit.” She announced, chewing her bottom lip between her teeth. Nice response, y/n. JJ noticed how flustered she was, a different side of her than the confidence she exuded the night prior.

“It’s nothing.” Just as he spoke Topper and Kelce descended the hallway, Kelce glaring straight at the two. He looked rough, a few cuts along his face and a line of bruises covering the right side of his face from his temple down to his cheek. Kelce gritted his teeth as he passed, JJ grinning from ear to ear as he gestured towards the man. “He definitely looks like shit though.” JJ proudly stated, y/n turning her head to look at the damage JJ had done.

“I really wish you’d let me repay you for last night.” Y/N insisted, shifting her weight as she stood.

“It’s no big deal, really.” JJ leaned his back against a set of lockers, raising an eyebrow at the woman. “So, what’s your class schedule?”

Y/N huffed, pulling a folded piece of paper from her backpack and opening it up, furrowing her brows as she looked at the information. “Uh, I don’t really know if these are good or bad but…here.” She handed him the sheet of paper, hoping he may be able to give her some guidance.

JJ did a once over of the contents before handing it back to her. “Well, it looks like we have the same first class. Mr. Sunn is a good guy, and a great teacher. I’ll walk with you there, if you’d like.”

Y/N nodded her head, pulling her backpack higher up on her shoulder. “Lead the way.”

The last bell of the school day rang, dismissing the students from their classes, a rush of teenagers flooding the hallways. Y/N had shared two classes of her day with JJ, her first and third periods, and it was nice to know someone on the first day.

She had gotten the same questions: what’s your name, where are you from, why are you here, are you a Kook or a Pogue? The last question was mainly asked by classmates, and frankly, she didn’t know what it meant. JJ was called a Pogue the night before, it seemed as though it had been a slur that night.

Y/N walked silently out the front doors of the school, getting ready for the two mile walk home when she heard someone calling her name in the distance. She turned around, a smile lighting up her face as she saw who it was.

“Hey, how were the rest of your classes?” JJ asked when he caught up to her, pulling his backpack up with his left hand. 

“They were fine, thanks for helping me figure out where they were earlier.” She admitted, walking down towards the front sidewalk.

“Anytime. So uh, where are you headed?” JJ slowed his pace to keep in step with her, looking down at the woman.

“I was about to walk home actually.” Y/N stated, fiddling with the strap on her backpack.

“Walk home? Why don’t you hitch a ride with us, John B won’t mind at all. Plus, I’d love for you to meet the gang.” JJ stepped in front of y/n’s path before she could protest, looking at her with reassurance. “C’mon, you’ll love them.”

Y/N huffed, nodding in agreement before JJ directed her over to where John B had parked his van. The rest of the Pogues were already inside, John B sitting in front with Sarah in the passenger seat, Kiara and Pope waiting in the back of the van, the door slid open.

“Hey guys, I’d like you to meet y/n, thought we could give her a ride home.” JJ announced, gesturing to the woman beside him. “She’s the reason I look like shit today.” He teased, causing y/n to shove him just enough to make him sway.

“Damn, y/n, you’re already not taking JJ’s shit. You’ll fit right in.” Kiara commented, jumping from the back of the van and giving a small wave. “I’m Kiara, this is Pope, John B, and Sarah.” She pointed to each one of them.

“Nice to meet you guys.” Y/N smiled sweetly at them before JJ guided her into the back seat of the van, closing the door behind them. Y/N moved to sit on the plush leather seats, JJ squeezing in next to her, their legs pressed against each other. Her eyes focused on JJ’s thigh pressed against her own, her heart beating loudly in her chest, the roar of the engine coming to life pulling her from her thoughts.

“Where to?” John B asked, backing out of his spot in the parking lot and heading towards the main road. 

“Two miles down make a left on Sycamore lane. It’s the third house on the left.” Y/N instructed, pushing down the cuticles on her fingers, a telltale sign of her nervousness. The radio played lightly in the background as they drove, John B and Sarah talking about their late-night plans.

“So, y/n, you just moved here?” Kiara questioned, shifting in the spot next to her on the seat.

Y/N nodded her head, still picking at her cuticles. “Yeah, I used to live here when I was little, but I don’t remember it.” 

JJ turned his head towards her, his knee knocking against hers as they sat close together. He could smell her citrus body wash filling his nostrils. “You live with your parents?”

The question made her stomach turn sour, trying to remain as emotionless as possible. “I live with my older sister, Bailey.” JJ could tell there was some pain in her voice, and he didn’t want to pry, leaving it at that.

“Well, you’re welcome in the Pogue life anytime.” Pope added, leaning his head against the van window.

“Right...thanks Pope. I kept getting asked today if I was a Pogue or a Kook at school. Care to explain?” She asked, tilting her head to look up at JJ.

“Alright, so we’re all Pogues...well, Sarah was a Kook but now she’s just as shit as the rest of us.” He teased, receiving a glare from the blonde woman. “So as Pogues we are basically the bottom feeders of society. We live in the cut, are regular working-class people, you know, that shit. But we’re obviously much cooler than the rest of the people on the island. Then there’s the Kooks: they live in the figure 8, are the upper-class of the island, us Pogues work for the Kooks most of the time. They think they’re the cream of the crop, but as you know from meeting Kelce, they’re the shittiest people you’ll ever meet. So, are you a Pogue or a Kook?”

Y/N chewed on her bottom lip, shrugging her shoulders in response. “I guess I’m like you guys, if that’s okay. I mean, my sister’s an emergency room nurse at the hospital so she makes decent money but it’s...it’s just us.” Her voice was soft, looking down at her hands. Kiara threw her arm around y/n’s shoulders, a proud smile on her face.

“You’re definitely a Pogue, especially after the way you talked to Kelce last night. JJ told us all about it during lunch.” Y/N’s heart skipped a beat at the thought of JJ talking about her. Maybe he was just bragging about the fight, it didn’t mean anything, right?

The van pulled to a stop in front of y/n’s house, a one-story bungalow-style with a bright yellow front door. JJ opened the door of the van, hopping out and offering his hand out to y/n, helping her to her feet on the sidewalk.

“Thanks.” She mumbled, trying to hide the crimson blush on her cheeks. JJ saw it though, resting his arm against the frame of the van, a warm smile playing on his lips.

“No problem.” 

John B rolled the passenger window down, giving y/n a small wave. “If you’re not busy Thursday after school we’re going fishing, we’d love for you to join.” The gang shook their heads in agreement, y/n meeting JJ’s blue hues as he nodded as well.

“Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks again for the ride.” She gave one last wave before walking up the steps to her front porch, fumbling with the keys before unlocking the door and pushing inside, the van taking off down the street.

“Bailey, I’m home!” Y/N cried out, dropping her backpack by the front door and kicking off her shoes. Her sister appeared around the corner, clad in her scrubs from work.

“How was the first day?” She asked, going to the fridge and pulling out a beer, popping off the cap and taking a swig.

Y/N plopped down on the couch, a smile spreading across her features. “It was actually great. My new friends want to take me out fishing Thursday night, is that okay?” She asked, turning her head towards her sister who was finishing up a pot of hamburger helper on the stove.

“Yeah sure, I’ll be working a double, so you’ll be on your own that night. I’m glad you’re making friends; I promise you’ll love it here. I did when I was little. And mom would be happy that we’re back here too. She never really wanted to leave, there were just…too many bad memories.” She turned off the heat and moved the pot off the burner.

“Now come set the table, dinner’s ready.”

Tagging those who may be interested or who may boost this. Let me know if you want to be added/removed from the tag list: @midnightf, @serendipityrogers, @sokovianheadtilt, @bucksmotel, @blackwiddows, @fuckandfluff, @agentofbarnes​, @astrydis​, @moniamaybank​, @matbarzalschain​, @bigassnocash​

[peralta-guaranteed]

What abkut mafia!jake au

Stop giving me awesome AU ideas that I cannot write the fic for! 😭

- due to some really, really bad choices after high school (did he ever make other ones? who knows), Jake Peralta has ended up as a grunt for the Ianucci family. He doesn’t really do much - he’s mostly someone who gathers information and new areas for them to work in, because he’s good at randomly befriending people and milking them for all it’s worth. He’s done a few ‘deliveries’, too, but has never had to really get physical.

- (he was at one family meeting that turned into the ‘farewell’ of a mistrusted member and he still has nightmares about it)

- he’s never been arrested for anything and thought the police didn’t even know his name, so imagine his surprise when he’s approached by one of their higher-ups (as if he knows the rankings, psh, pigs are all the same) and subtly but definitely asked if he would be willing to work with them

- his task seems simple: bring one of their cops into the family undercover, the same way he has ‘recruited’ several bodega owners and other ‘low-skill’ workers that turned out to be useful for the family. Maybe keep an eye on the cop as well and help her out if she’s struggling

- she? oh yeah, it’s a woman. A frankly gorgeous woman, he realises when they meet up with her and some FBI dude who obviously pretends he’s not FBI, to discuss it all further. Her name is ‘Dora’, and he knows that’s a lie from the second she’s introduced, but the less he knows, probably the better. The rules are set, he gets a special cellphone number of a ‘cousin’ to contact if something goes wrong, and two weeks later Dora Perez is steadily working her way up the ranks with the Ianuccis, who are very proud of Jake for bringing in this brilliant new talent.

- He might or might not be looking out for her a little bit too much. He might or might not get involved in far more shady dealings with the Iannuccis so he can work closer with her. He might or might not be in deep, deep shit.

- ‘Dora’ is grateful for it, though, he learns every time he drives her home after a more difficult job. She used to be withdrawn and quiet with him, which he tried to equalise by cracking more and more stupid jokes and doing random silly stuff during their drives, but then one time they drive in absolute silence while she cleans blood of her hands, and he says something, he doesn’t remember what, but it’s the right thing apparently, because she starts to talk. She talks to him during every ride after, telling him about the stress and the constant guard she has to keep up and how none of her research binders prepared her for this, and at some point she tells him about nightmares and seeing death around every corner and she can’t wait for this mission to be over.

- (for her sake, he can’t wait for that either. For his sake, he wishes it would go on forever.)

- They’re sent out for a big job together once, because Jake has already become ‘connected’ to Amy in the Ianuccis’ eyes, and they both end up with blood on their hands, and some of it is hers.

- he gets out of the car after that drive home, and gets up to her tiny, fake apartment, and helps her clean the wounds (nothing too big, just cuts, because thank god that guy only had a knife before he beat it out of his hands and then beat the living daylight out of him after he injured her) with the softest fingers she’s ever felt. Then the cleaning alcohol is swapped for drinkable stuff, and they talk, and they talk about everything and nothing, about how a dead-beat dad and an absent mother make a Mafia goon, and how family pressure and a sense of constant duty make a detective who so badly wanted to say no to this assignment but couldn’t.

- “For what it’s worth, Dora, I’m glad you said yes. I mean, not that- not that I want you to do this kind of work- and I want things to be over for you soon, because- but- I’m glad it’s you.” “Amy.” “Hm?” “My name is Amy. Amy Santiago.”

- He wakes up in her bed the next morning, with her in his arms, and he kind of doesn’t regret a single thing, even as his smart-brain is screaming at him. He’s pretty sure he would’ve willingly died for her even before this night, but now, he realises... that he probably will.

- Amy (Amy, not Dora) does freak out a little more than he does when she wakes up. She can’t get involved, she says, this is a job, a dangerous one, and she has to focus on that job and getting the mafia gang and not- okay, okay, let’s not overthink this then, Jake says only to calm her down, we don’t do anything ‘involved’, we’re just... having fun. Keeping things light and breezy. Helping deal with the stress.

- and so, despite how much it hurts and how much it makes him happy at the same time, Jakey the Jew becomes Jakey, Dora’s Loverboy. It helps, he supposes, because it means the Ianuccis won’t suspect them hanging out so much, and send him along to most of her jobs now so he can watch out for her, and he gets to be with her in a way, even as she constantly reiterates ‘light and breezy’ to keep him at a distance no matter how close they get.

- it doesn’t feel very ‘light and breezy’ when they spend time together in front of the TV, though, to get their minds to relax after doing whatever the Ianuccis needed them doing. It doesn’t feel ‘light and breezy’ when they joke around in the bodega getting ice cream on a particularly hot day out doing jobs, or when she shows him around the library after meeting her ‘cousin’ there for a chat. It doesn’t feel ‘light and breezy’ at all when she sighs into his arms when he’s holding her in bed, neither of them even wanting to take the night any further than soft hands under tshirts, because all they really need at some point is the comfort of each other.

- and then one day, after a few months of this ‘light and breezy’ and ‘Dora’s Loverboy’, Jake gets invited for a ‘Talk’ by the family. With a capital T. And he’s not been that high up in the ranks at any point, and he’s not really done much for the family, but he’s not an idiot. He knows what that means. So of course he doesn’t tell Amy, writes her a short but succinct note instead that maybe ends with the L-word somewhere in it, and goes to have a Talk.

- The Ianuccis know that there is a rat, but they don’t know who. And they know that if Jakey is good for one thing, it’s information. So The Talk doesn’t end as quickly as it usually does, and the way he’d expected. It hurts a lot more, for one thing. Jake thinks of offering up some other goon or lower family member as the rat, if only to make the torture stop, but his brain is too broken in the moment to figure out a convincing story. And when the name ‘Perez’ suddenly drops into the conversation, there’s really only one other name he can still think of clearly to blame. Peralta.

- he doesn’t remember much after that - he’s pretty sure he heard gunshots, but none of them hit him, so what’s the deal with that? Everything else is pretty much a blur of pain and cold, and lots of shouting, and then warm soft hands on his face and a quiet voice saying his name amidst it all, and when he wakes up the next time he’s in a hospital bed.

- He’s in that hospital bed for two weeks to recover, and no one visits him. Not that it should be surprising - Nana is dead, his mom doesn’t know about anything he’s done since the age of 18 for a reason, and there’s no one else who in their right mind should care to visit him. So imagine his surprise when a detective shows up, introduces herself as Rosa Diaz, and explains that she’s Amy’s partner at work, but she’s not here for official business.

- “She wanted to come see you. Hell, she fought tooth and nail for it. But she had to be debriefed, stupid FBI assholes, and then it turned out two of the Ianuccis got away, so we had to find them first to make sure they don’t go after her for revenge” (well that explains the constant patrols in the hospital for him, as well) “and we had to hide her for her safety, but, Jake, she wanted to come see you. I swear.” “It’s okay.” Jake says, and it’s really not, but he’s been a brilliant liar for years now. “You can tell her... it’s okay. The job is done, and I’m, I’m glad she’s finally got it over and past her. Really. Tell her it’s okay.”

- He’s debriefed by the FBI after he gets discharged, as well. They tell him ‘good job’ and ‘thanks’ and pay him a surprisingly large amount of money and cover his hospital bills, so that’s good. They also advise that he move, not far, but far enough that any possible leftover scragglers of the family don’t remember his old place for a ‘visit’. So he moves, a few blocks only, enough to get a new favourite bodega and deli and discover that the library is actually nearby and that there’s this community college that Amy kept talking about for some reason, and if he takes a few classes to finally get a degree, it’s not about getting a proper job at some point, it’s more about not thinking about anything else. About maybe forgetting, even if it was her that basically got him where he is now.

- (it does not work)

- she knocks on his door a month later. She looks strange in her professional outfit instead of washed out jeans and a tanktop with a stupid slogan on it, but also so perfectly her. That’s Amy, he thinks, not Dora anymore. That’s Amy, and he still loves her just as much as he did when she was ‘Dora’ in his sweatpants and tshirt. Maybe more.

- “You’re a hard man to find, Peralta.” She says, and he knows that’s a lie, but she smiles with a scared look through it and he takes it for what it is - an attempt at saying anything, really, after 1 1/2 months of silence, when she’s probably got a speech all prepared in her head but needs to get there first. “That’s such a bad, cheesy movie line.” He helps, and she laughs and yeah, that’s all he needs in life. “Well we never watched any good movies, did we.” “Hey, we watched Die Hard. That’s the best movie there is.” She rolls her eyes but nods, and opens her mouth, and Jake thinks that the speech is coming now, but he has no idea what it might entail. Thank you and good bye, maybe. Good job, great work, can you sign this official statement for me so I can add it to my paperwork? possibly. “Screw light and breezy.” She says instead, and then she’s in his new apartment, which is much nicer and cleaner than the old place was even after she worked her magic on it, and she’s kissing him, and he’s never, ever letting her out.

[chibi-writes]

Hi and welcome to the fandom that should have been an otome game. May please ask for headcanons for the dorm leaders with a short fem MC who looks beautiful and innocent but knows martial arts, because she was almost kidnnaped when she was young

Thank you for requesting!! Sorry if some of these seem to OOC! 

Riddle Rosehearts - 

- Ight I’ll be honest. He’ll be surprised to say the least. 

- You look so cute and innocent, but Riddle just saw you deck Ace by mistake after he tried picking you up as a joke.

- He scolds you, but you can tell from the look on his face he was caught off guard. 

- Later on, a few days after the incident, he asks about your skills.

- When you explain your situation when you were young, he’s rendered speechless.

- Who would dare kidnap such an innocent person?! (Realistically he knows that people like that exist but still!!!)

- He promises that you will always be safe both in Heartslabyul and by his side!

- He very much so has a newfound respect for you and your abilities. You certainly save him a few gray hairs knowing you are well-trained but still, it’s okay to lean on others once in a while.

Leona Kingscholar -

- He sees you sparring with Jack one afternoon morning and barely bats an eye before doing a double take. 

- Well shoot! He thought you were physically weak looking at your looks alone.

- But if the women in his hometown showed him anything, it’s that looks can be deceiving. 

- He might probe you about it if you do some amazing shit in front of him. But otherwise he’ll just rest easy knowing you can defend yourself. 

- On the off chance a conversation bringing up why you know martial arts happens, he’ll be healthily concerned. 

- He may not say it, but he would keep and eye out for you. He would definitely wring some necks if a Savannaclaw student were to mess with you but I think you would do that before him. 

- Once again, he would rest easy knowing you can defend yourself, but that won’t stop him from intervening when he feels it’s appropriate.

Azul Ashengrotto -

- You probably already on his radar for a deal. After all, you seem pretty naive and innocent. Surely you wouldn’t be able to defend yourself if the twins were to bring you in-

- Well. the unexpected should be foreseen dear Azul.

- One day, when visiting Monstro Lounge, Floyd surprise hugged you from behind. Both Azul and Jade were pleasantly surprised when you turned the tables on Floyd, effectively pinning him down. Granted you didn’t hurt him, but it was still surprising. 

- Azul was thinking he could use this… But decided not. 

- Instead, after you apologized to Floyd, stating it as instinct, Azul brings you into the VIP lounge and asks you how you became so strong.

- After you explain… Well…..

- Azul is silent. Thoroughly caught off guard I’ll tell you that. He now realizes that you’re not as weak as you seem. 

- He offers a deal to have the twins accompany you places so you don’t have to worry.

- If you decline, the twins might still keep an eye out for you. 

- Regardless if you take the deal or not, he does declare Monstro Lounge as a safe place, he swears by the Great Sea Witch!

Kalim Al Asim -

- Wow! You can do that?! Cool! 

- Highkey reminds him of Jamil but friendly

- He’ll probably ask you to show off your skills a lot

- He thinks they’re cool!!!

- When he asks you why you know how to defend yourself…

- His face darkens for a moment before returning to his usual bright self. 

- He’s glad you’re okay!! And he really likes your cool abilities you got from it!! But he promises, You WILL always be safe in Scarabia. Jamil isn’t there for nothing, and Kalim IS a magician in training. He knows some stuff.

Vil Schoenheit - 

- Vil sees you trying to teach Epel some martial arts, and before he could harshly scold the boy, he sees you show off an advanced move to Epel.

- After Epel’s scolding, And your’s too Vil questions your abilities. He appreciates the effort you put into learning such advanced skills after all…. Even if they’re… less.. Than ideal for his personal tastes. Though if those dumbbells in Vil’s room taught us anything, it’s that he appreciates strength too.

- When you explain…. He sports a frown before ‘fixing’ up his face. Can’t have wrinkles after all!

- He’s fairly impressed by the amount of effort you put into becoming stronger to prevent future outcomes. And while looking as radiant and delicate as you do! Why, even the Beautiful Queen’s strength was nothing to laugh at after all! 

- In the end he applauds your efforts and asks you to refrain from having Epel go through any messy training in his uniforms. 

Idia Shroud - 

- Idia was walking from class one morning, shudders horrible, I know. And he sees you being ganged up by a few not-so-friendly Savannaclaw students. He was about to send a robot or Ortho to try and break up a fight, but he sees you quickly make work of the rowdy students.

- He is shocked. To say the least for his shy self.

- Later, back in his room, he asks you where you learned that, when you tell him…

- He frowns. He can find them. I can ruin their lives in more ways than one. There ARE worse fates than death after all…

- If you decline, he’ll mutter under his breath before typing away at something. You’ll have to change the topic with this one. 

- Change to topic to the skills themselves. It might launch him into asking a bunch of questions or an offer to be muscle reference for him (Think that one card story where he gives Ortho feet)

- If he goes off on a rant, he’ll catch himself mid-sentence and apologize profusely. That offer still stands though, remember that.

Malleus Draconia - 

- Malleus is going for a stroll outside Diasomnia when he sees you and Sebek sparring. HE hides himself so you guys can’t see him, but he is very impressed with your fighting skills against an equally advanced Sebek. Sebek’s impressed too but this ain’t about him

- Later that night, Dragon boi asks about your impressive skills. Where did you learn them? Why? Who taught you? Etc. Etc.

- Explaining to him is a MESS because his first instinct is HOW DARE SOMEONE TOUCH MY FAVORITE HUMAN but in body language form. Similarly to Idia, he offers to find this person and destroy them ruin their lives. 

- Once again, if you decline, he’ll leave it be. It seems you’re more at peace not thinking about that person anyway. 

- The person who hurt you walks unscathed today, but know this, if anyone tries that shit again, they’re not gonna survive. Period.

[h2bakugou]

Idk if you do these kind of requests or not, but Amajiki, Tomura, Chisaki and Kacchan and their gf who’s on her period and she’s feeling low and just not herself???

a/n: i do hun! i did a similar period hc but this is different and i haven’t done these characters so here ya go love!

headcanon: them with a s/o who’s not feeling good on their period

key: (y/n) - your name / (f/n) - first name / (l/n) - last name / (e/c) - eye color / (h/c) - hair color / (y/q) - your quirk

warnings: swearing, fluff

»»————-　★　————-««

tamaki amajiki

»»————-　★　————-««

Tamaki is a sweetheart. He is there for you and will hold you until you feel better.

He’s a little shy but he really cares about you, and when it comes to the people he cares and loves, this boy will go to the ends of the Earth for you.

Soft kisses on your cheek or forehead.

Holds you in his arms while you play with his hair or snuggle into his neck.

When you’re not feeling your best, Tamaki is there to reassure you. Granted he struggles too, he hates seeing you like this.

“Bunny, you’re amazing, please don’t say such awful things about yourself.”

His indigo eyes are full of love and meaning, and you can clearly tell that he wants to say more, but will leave it at that for now.

Knowing that Tamaki has his own struggles with things like that, it really means a lot to hear him say that to you. 

Tamaki knows how to take care of you and will probably not leave your side unless you need him too, or want some space. 

Sleeping with Tamaki is one of the purest forms of love honestly. He’s holding you close while still allowing you to move if you ever get uncomfortable. His fingers delicately trace shapes and words out on your skin as your snoring softly beside him.

It’s nothing weird or funny, he’s not trying to pull any stunts, it’s just the two of you, sleeping, or worn-out and resting.

It’s him loving you and making sure that you’re feeling okay. 

It’s him reassuring you that you are precious and that bad days happen and there’s not much you can do but let them pass.

love this soft boy !!

»»————-　★　————-««

tomura shigaraki

»»————-　★　————-««

As much as I am a Shigaraki stan, I feel like this man’s first reaction would be disgust.

“What is coming from where?”

“It’s called menstruation-”

But on a real note, he probably never had a proper sex education class, and everything he learned about anatomy and stuff was either picked up from someone else, or learnt about from a game or movie.

Onto the headcanon stuff, overall I feel like once he comes to terms with what’s happening, he’s protective and caring.

Doesn’t like when the members of his league, let alone the people closet to him in both platonic and romantic ways, get hurt.

So seeing you in almost constant discomfort and pain is agonizing to watch.

By your side most of the time unless you want him to leave you alone, which is a struggle because he is persistent and bratty in the best ways.

‘I’m not leaving you-”

“Tomura, I just want some space.”

“Shut up and let me hold you.”

He takes your huff as a sign of agreement, but eventually it’s those same arms that you wanted gone, the arms you’d fallen asleep in.

Tomura probably acts like he’s the one on the period.

He’s ordering Dabi, Kurogiri, or anyone else who steps into view to get things for you so he can watch you 24/7.

Okay but as annoying loving as Tomura is, I could also see him getting frustrated with you.

“You clearly don’t feel good so just lay down and get some rest!”

“But I don’t want to!” You’re pacing around the room you share with Tomura while he stands by the door.

“Lay down.” Tomura orders.

“Make me.”

It’s a simple phrase that comes with varying consequences, this time, it’s being slung over his shoulder and tossed onto the bed, force down by him just laying on top of you like a human blanket.

“T-Tomura! That hurts!” You breathe out.

Eventually rolls off of you and just holds you close, getting some much needed rest.

Hates seeing you look down on yourself during this time because he truly loves you. He’s learned to love because of you.

“You’re the only idiot I tolerate in this shit hole. You’re fine the way you are.”

“Was that supposed to be a compliment?”

Maybe he isn’t the best with words, but his actions, aka the hoards of hugs and kisses, are what show you he cares.

In the nicest way possible, he is the epitome of “alright babe i’m in the pad isle, what size pussy do u wear?” but he’S LEARNING

»»————-　★　————-««

katsuki bakugou

»»————-　★　————-««

Katsuki Bakugou is probably one of the most sensible guys to help you when you’re on your period.

He’s going to be there for you, bring you snacks if you need them, provide warmth and cuddles when it’s time to sleep or if you have cramps, but he also isn’t going to put up with you if you get grumpy.

He knows that that kind of stuff tends to happen, and he doesn’t want to make it worse by angering you more. He’s struggled with restraint, but when it comes to you, it’s both easy and challenging.

He wants to be there for you, but he knows you might need your space.

When he sees you talking down about yourself or feeling low, this man is going to beat the shit out of you verbally. He’s showing you love and affection by yelling at you. All kind words of course.

“You’re fucking beautiful! And you’re not worthless!”

“Suki, it’s one am-”

“But you’re mumbling about how you aren’t good enough and that’s bullshit.”

“Alright alright, I get it, I’ll stop.” You say softly, closing your eyes while trying to fall back asleep beside your loud boyfriend.

“Yeah you better or I’ll have to kiss you, dumbass.”

“Kissing me is a punishment?”

“You know what I meant!”

He’s flustered

Holds you close when you can’t get comfy.

Kisses you a fuckton oh my god.

Kisses you when you say bad things about yourself, kisses you to show he loves you, kisses you when you’re kinda grumpy, kisses you when you’re not mad, you get the idea.

He just wants to see you smile, and kissing you is one of those ways that makes you flustered and makes you smile that goofy smile that Bakugou fell in love with.

I mentioned this in another headcanon, but this man’s hands are period cramp relievers- place those bad boys over the pain and relax.

They’re warm, and big, and it’s also cozy and securing laying in his arms.

The best way to lay on Bakugou is to get up under his sweater and tuck yourself onto his chest, placing his hands over your sides and dozing off.

He’ll steal a few kisses, and probably take a cheesy selfie to set as his lockscreen later, but he’s not far behind you in the sleeping department.

Genuinely doesn’t see how you don’t see yourself like a goddess. But nonetheless, he will never stop complimenting you and reassuring you.

He loves you so much, and he’ll be damned if you see yourself as anything less than what you are, and that’s truly amazing.

»»————-　★　————-««

kai chisaki

»»————-　★　————-««

This man is smart, arrogant, and driven, but sometimes he can be a bit of an asshole.

Will obviously be at your side if you need anything, after all, you are his top priority.

This could go a few ways. If he’s comfortable with you, and overcoming his mysophobia, he’ll do everything he can and is comfortable with to make sure you’re okay.

If he’s still struggling with germs, he may not be physically affectionate, but he’ll do his best. 

I feel like Chisaki probably shows his love through gifts, or at least to an extent he’ll try to show his love with presents.

But when he comes to terms with his feelings, he’s a man of words. He’ll say how he feels before he shows it. And it’s hard because actions do speak louder than words. And sometimes not being able to kiss or hug Chisaki is hard.

But his reassuring really hits different. Because Chisaki isn’t one for affection. He runs a gang, or a section of a larger gang. He didn’t have time for relationships before he met you, and he probably could’ve gone years before he ‘settled down’ if he hadn’t met you.

So hearing Chisaki tell you that he loves you and that you are not disgusting or pathetic, you know it means something.

You’re fully tended to when it comes to things like snacks, drinks, hygiene products, it’s all taken care for and Chisaki wouldn’t have it any other way.

He is here to take care of you unless he’s told otherwise. If it’s space you want, he’ll give it to you, but not before he knows you’re completely okay and that you won’t need anything while you want space.

If he’s comfortable with getting physical, his hugs are sweet. Just being held by him is a blessing. His kisses are even better. It’s always a private thing, he’s not just going to whip his mask off and kiss you in the middle of the hallway, despite how much he’d want too.

Chisaki works and he works hard. So it wouldn’t be rare if he only ever cared for you at night/during the morning. Of course he’ll spend time with you during lunch or if he’s got a break, but he can’t spend every minute of the day with you.

But I think not seeing him constantly is what makes spending time with him that much better.

You’ve got something to look forward too, as does he. He enjoys coming back from a long day, to take a nice shower and climb into bed with his favorite person and hold you until you both fall asleep.

Kisses you on your shoulder, neck and cheek the most. Hugs you from behind and cuddles you by wrapping his arm over your side, having your back pressed to him.

He genuinely hates seeing you talk down about yourself, but he’s not going to constantly remind you that you’re gorgeous and nothing is wrong with you.

It’s hard to love yourself, but he knows deep down that you’re special and you’ll realize it sooner or later.

Overall, Chisaki is a pretty sweet guy, but he’s resilient and reserved. He knows what he wants, and he’ll do anything in his power to make you feel better.

»»————-　★　————-««

masterlist

[recurring-polynya]

What’s your opinion on pre-canon Renruki?

I think that they already had a romantic or almost romantic relationship back in the Academy, maybe even back in Rukongai, and the reason it wasn’t explicit is because firstly it would have spoiled the endgame couples, and secondly it’s a shonen, so it’s implied.

I think they fooled around when they were orphans in Inuzuri. They grew up together, they were always together in their “teenage” years (however adolescence works for souls😅), I think it’s not impossible that they had their first experience, if just their first kiss and make out session, with each other. When they joined the Academy, they spent less time together due to their different courses, and I think Rukia’s sad expression when Renji leaves for the mission in the real world depicts that (along with worry for him, and maybe even jealousy for his achievements compared to hers). By then I think they were quite intimate, they fooled around sometimes (with the little time they had) and knew the other’s and their own feelings, but never said anything like “I love you”, or talked seriously about the depth of their relationship. If they were “just friends”, as some antis like to claim, they wouldn’t have been so heartbroken, have so many regrets and felt so guilty during their separation. And why that separation in the first place? It’s not a matter of class difference, because Rukia did talk to people of inferior status, like her Squad mates. What’s actually forbidden to people from different classes is relationships. If Renruki was just a friendship, there would have been no problem, but their bond was beyond that. Rukia wanted Renji to tell her to stay with him, but his feelings of inferiority and belief that Rukia deserved better (maybe even better than him) prevented him to do it. Their separation doesn’t feel like an end to a friendship to me, it feels like a breakup. They avoided each other because it hurt so much, and they couldn’t bear to have any relationship other than a romantic one, which was impossible once she became a Kuchiki.

After the Soul Society arc, they got back together. They were physically too comfortable around each other to be just friends, like when he basically hugged her to encourage her to go back to Soul Society when Orihime is kidnapped (and maybe he was also comforting her), or when, during the fight with the Fullbringers, he casually placed her head resting on his thigh. By then they were secretly dating, in my opinion. In the last arc they were always together, it’s so easy imagining them as a couple.

What do you think? Is my interpretation far fetched? I’d like to hear your theories about their feelings, when they blossomed, when they confessed, if they had something going on during their Academy years…

Thank you if you decide to answer!🤍

Well, as you say, Bleach is a shounen, and also I don’t think Kubo was particularly interested in including romance in the story, so I don’t think there is a correct or incorrect interpretation. It’s left to the reader to imagine what they like. I don’t think “spoiling the endgame” has anything to do with anything.

I don’t think your interpretation is “too far-fetched,” although I don’t happen to agree with it. There’s very little to go on in canon, people can fill in the gaps in whatever way makes them happy/makes sense to them. I have exactly 0 interest in arguing with people on the internet about stuff like this. I enjoy reading fanfiction that has wildly different interpretations from my own, I generally love to hear a variety of ideas, although I generally prefer the format of a narrative over Tumblr posts (funny, since I do seem to write a lot of them).

Anyway, here are a bunch of opinions. This is way, way too long, so I'm gonna throw it under a cut.

That being said, you have some really amatonormative ideas in there that I do take issue with. Friendships absolutely can be as deep and important as romantic relationships. I categorically reject the idea that a romantic bond is stronger than a friendship one or that acts of physical affection necessarily imply a romantic relationship. I actually have no beef at all with people who want to read Rukia and Renji’s story as a very strong friendship. I do think it was still reasonable for Renji to avoid her during their separation, even if his goal wasn’t romance. He wanted to see her live a better life, and didn’t want to drag her down. Yeah, sure, if he just wanted to be a casual workplace friend, he probably could have joined Squad 13 and seen her once in a while. But, especially in the early days, it would have been a bad look for Rukia to continue socializing with people deeply below her station, and I feel in my heart that Byakuya would have forbidden her from seeing Renji if he found out she was hanging out with someone from her Inuzuri days, even if it was just casual. Yeah, there exist people who say Rukia and Renji are "just friends" for the sake of other preferred ships, but also, like, so what? Who cares? That’s a lot better than making Renji out to be a bad person or trashing his character. To be honest, I am generally happy to read a fanfic that had some other Renji or Rukia pairing if it actually contained some solid Renruki best friend content (I have found a few 369 fics that do this, and maybe also in the little bit of RenIchi content I have read, so, uh, good job, my gays. This is sometimes touched on in ByaRen fics, but usually not as much as I want, althought I also tend to hold these to a high bar, because if I have to deal with Byakuya in my fanfics, they should have to deal with the Rukia-Renji friendship 😂)

Anyway, you asked for my interpretation, so here it is . These are all just, like, my opinions, man:

Life in Inuzuri just really, really, really sucks, and Rukia and Renji both have a lot of trauma and emotional hang-ups from that time. I think they forged a deep emotional connection during this time that was probably a little too codependent to actually be healthy. They had no models of healthy families or relationships. I also think they were incredibly close to Fujimaru, Kosaburou, and Mameji, and that even if they wanted to have a romantic relationship, they wouldn’t have, at the risk of ruining the more important bonds of the larger group.

In my fanfic, in their last days in Inuzuri, I do have them fool around for a brief period. It coincides with the deterioration of the bond with their last surviving friend, leading to his death. I did this for trauma reasons, because that’s how writers are.

“Communication” is probably the most important theme in my writing, and a thing I bring up all the time is that young Rukia and Renji had a thousand ways of communicating survival-based things between each other, and 0 ways of communicating how they felt about each other.

I did a post on this recently, but their whole gang was incredibly powerless in Inuzuri. They lived on the fringes of society and stole scraps to survive. I think that their number one duty to one another was to survive. In the anime, Rukia swears that she will never leave Inuzuri, that she will always stay with her friends. I think the reason she does an about-face is not just because their friends are gone, but because she realizes that she will lose Renji next, and the only way to prevent that is for both of them to get stronger. Neither of them actually wants to become a soul reaper. They do it for each other.

I think that Renji would have remained in Inuzuri and tried to make a life as best they could, but Rukia knew this was futile, and where Rukia goes, Renji follows.

I think they purposely maintained distance at the Academy. Just as in Inuzuri, their primary duty to one another is to survive and thrive. They were rejected and mocked for their low origins, and hanging out together would have made this worse. I think it hurt Rukia that Renji made new friends, but on the other hand, they were exactly the sort of people who would help him get a leg up in the Gotei. Rukia’s Academy days were very painful because she saw Renji succeeding, just as she wanted, but leaving her behind in the process. Conversely, Renji got super focused on doing well, with the idea that he could pull Rukia up behind him, except for the part where he never actually told her that.

I feel like I’m in the minority here, but so much fanfic focuses on Rukia and/or Renji being “wrong” in the scene where he tells her to go to the Kuchiki, but I disagree! Everything they have done is in order to get to a better life! It is Renji’s duty to encourage her to leave him behind. He doesn’t want to be an anchor holding her down. Likewise, Rukia knows that if she doesn’t go, she’s just gonna be a burden on him. Their relationship has always been about each of them surviving separately over having happiness together. Up to now, they’ve always managed to find each other again, although this kinda looks like it might be it for them. Do these kids need to go to therapy? Yes! Did they do anything wrong? No!

I think about this a lot, but even if Rukia had turned down the adoption (which… I’m not actually sure she could have), even the offer would have ruined their relationship. Imagine that Renji asks her to stay, and she does. Maybe they even get together at this point. Every rough patch, every time there’s money troubles, this spectre of “Rukia could have been a Kuchiki” is going to hang over them. In fiction, there is often an idea of sacrifice being a one-time romantic gesture, but in my real life experience, this sort of thing hangs around like an unwanted ghost. I can, in fact, envision a scenario where this is exactly how Aizen manages to get his hooks in Renji, by offering Rukia an unseated spot in Squad 5, even though she “isn’t really good enough to deserve it” and “taking care of them.”

I am really fascinated with Rukia’s crush on Kaien/Miyako. Bold proclamation here, but I think there is something developmentally healthy about young people having crushes on the older people in their lives, provided that said older people treat them with respect and dignity and don’t take advantage of it in any way. Crushes are, by their nature of being unreciprocated, a safe way for young folks to imagine the sort of people and relationships they want to have in their lives. I headcanon Rukia as bisexual, and maybe also a little bit genderfluid, and she had these two extremely cool people in her life, whom she maybe wanted to be and maybe wanted to kiss and maybe to have a marriage like that some day. I… like to think that their role in her life healed some of her trauma before their death caused even more.

Fully into headcanons now, but I like to think that Renji had a parallel experience, with, of all people, Ikkaku and Yumichika. Like him, they came from the ass-end of Rukongai, but they stuck together instead of bowing to the social mores of the Seireitei. It is critical to note that they were able to do this through strength. This is literally not a thing that Renji and Rukia could have done, but at the same time, Renji sees this as the kind of relationship he wants to have with a partner. He doesn’t want to look after Rukia and protect her, he wants to fight back-to-back with her and then make out afterwards. He’s still convinced that he needs to go through the proper class channels to see Rukia again, but without their influence, I don’t think he ever would have been able to say “fuck it” and turn on his captain during the Soul Society Arc.

Meeting Ichigo and dealing with his unreasonable need to protect everyone he cares about, personally, was also a huge blow to Rukia and Renji’s “I cannot allow the other person to take any risks for my sake” hang-up. Ichigo has his own traumas, which are entirely different from Renruki’s, but the one thing he had was growing up in a loving family. (Isshin has his problems, but I feel strongly that he always made his kids feel like his love was unconditional). I’m not saying that making friends with a shounen protagonist is a good replacement for therapy, but it does have healing properties.

Entirely off-topic, but I feel like Ichigo is incredibly selfish in the way of Terry Pratchett’s witches: “All witches are selfish, the Queen had said. But Tiffany’s Third Thoughts said: Then turn selfishness into a weapon! Make all things yours! Make other lives and dreams and hopes yours! Protect them! Save them! Bring them into the sheepfold! Walk the gale for them! Keep away the wolf! My dreams! My brother! My family! My land! My world! How dare you try to take these things, because they are mine!

Where were we? Oh, yeah. I honestly think that it is unknowable when in canon Rukia and Renji confessed. I already covered this pretty thoroughly in this post. I hate the idea that they were secretly dating. Renji worked incredibly hard to get his post and I think that both his job and Byakuya’s respect are very important to him. I do not think he would put either of those things at risk like that, nor would Rukia want him to. I tend to prefer a slow-burn approached, and I honestly think they got together during the 17-mo timeskip at the earliest, and more likely post-canon entirely, although I think them confessing in the Royal Realm is the spiciest possible outcome, so that’s what most of my fanfic cleaves to.

[btsmosphere]

Crossfire | KTH

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

Moodboard Masterlist

~summary: The night your life blew up sent you on a collision course with the campus bad boy, Kim Taehyung. Though you were well aware of his reputation, it was his doorstep you ran to when you were bleeding with nowhere to go.

~word count: 3.5k

~gang!au, mafia!au, college!au, angst, fluff, action, strangers to lovers, friends to lovers

Warnings: swearing, violence, kidnapping/being restrained (warnings apply to each part individually, please read them)

~a/n: so things heat up a bit in this chapter... I hope you guys enjoy the faster pace, it felt right to me but there are more scene cuts etc so I hope it works :) and huge thank you again to everyone reblogging my work! I see you and it really helps me out xx

Taehyung wondered if you noticed.

He knew you were often asleep long after he left, but he wondered if you remembered the times he had woken up with an arm over you, or when you had both moved closer in the night, or the way he would let his sleepy eyes wander your face before he decided to face the world.

Or maybe it was all lost in the haze of sleep for you, belonging only under the covers and in the dark.

He wondered if you ever heard his singing again. Whenever he sang in the mornings, though he had always enjoyed doing it for himself, he thought of you. He hoped you were listening.

After the excitement of hitting the jackpot with Soonjae, you spent your days with Tae’s books again. You had served your purpose, assured by him that they didn’t need more than one inner member for the time being. You doubted you would have found anything on the last member of the list, ‘Jintao’, anyway.

Days and books passed. So did nights with Tae.

It became clear to you that his way of expressing himself was quite physical. Though you enjoyed his touch, and initiated it yourself, you knew that to him, it was just the way he was with friends. Nothing more.

But it didn’t matter to you, as you enjoyed yourself in his company anyway.

Another meeting was called. This time it was much more fruitful, and a date was set. Since the last one, members they had already gathered from Shinhyuk’s gang had been able to pass on information to root out more members, and so on.

As Jin confirmed that Soonjae had successfully been bought out with a healthy mix of blackmail and promises of freedom, you glowed. The boys weren’t shy to thank you as well, even though they had doubted you at first.

Jungkook had found out about a deal Shinhyuk himself would be present at, though Jungkook was not required. And they were using the shop Shinhyuk had gained after his earlier attack, so he would be in the middle of their territory and at their mercy.

This was their chance to turn the tables on their enemy.

The idea was to capture Shinhyuk at the deal, and with him gone, the rest of the gang would be ready to fall apart. Their allies could move in, easily taking the area Shinhyuk had dominated for so long.

During the subsequent movie night, you and Tae shared a private toast with plastic cups of coke. To your hard work, though you insisted he share some of the credit.

As you chucked away the litter in the kitchen that night, out of breath after just a minute, you rediscovered your pack of red pills. You certainly hadn’t been taking them consistently.

That night, the rare occasion came when you could not get to sleep. Lying in the dark, you gazed over at Tae, just a lump under the duvet as he slept. You had shared in the excitement and hopefulness with the others earlier, but now you couldn’t help thinking-

What would happen when it was all over?

If they succeeded, and you could go back home, what would happen to you?

Last time you had interacted with Tae, and it certainly couldn’t be classed as more than that, you had gone straight back to normal afterwards. He had been charming, and of course he was attractive, but it had been easy for you to stay away, knowing his friends and their reputation.

Or at least you thought you had known.

Now you had met them all, shared takeaways and movie nights, and you and Tae had shared far more. You couldn’t forget about it. You wouldn’t want to.

“Are you excited?”

Pressing your lips into a smile, you gave Taehyung a nod. Not the most enthusiastic of responses.

Today was the day.

That evening, if everything went according to plan, Shinhyuk would lose everything, and you would be free. You could see your dad again. Go back to your place.

It wasn’t that you weren’t excited, but the excitement was swamped by everything else you were feeling.

“Hey, it’s gonna be ok,” Taehyung took your silence as denial and shuffled closer to you where you were reading a book against the headboard, eventually laying his head on your shoulder. And though it thrilled you, you stiffened. Trying your hardest not to react, you stared down at your book without absorbing any words.

Tae had opted to stay home from college today, even though the raid was to be in the evening.

Together you had made a ‘fancy’ lunch of pancakes, watched a short film and now you were anticipating the hour when he would have to go. Today had felt too full of goodbyes. You knew, however, that there was still one more to come, when he would leave to fight once and for all.

“You’ll get to go back home!” he attempted again to lighten the mood, but his words only made your heart heavier.

Sighing, you put your book aside, tilting your head to lean on top of his.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do when I see my dad.”

“Trust me, you’ll be happy when you see him again.”

“You’re right,” you sighed again, “I just… he got us into this whole mess – not that I don’t understand why.”

Taehyung considered you for a second.

“Not everything was his fault. He just did it because he loves you. He wants the best for you.”

“Why are you right about everything?” you laughed, making your shoulders shake and dislodging Tae’s head from its spot.

Sitting up fully again, he shoved your shoulder gently in retaliation. There he stayed, face slightly obscured as he sat forward while you rested back.

After a moment of silence, his impatient hands flipped his phone over.

“The others are setting off,” he informed you. You had learned that the eldest four were going to lie in wait, Taehyung and Jimin going in later as backup. Jungkook was at one of Shinhyuk’s other bases, known simply as ‘angel’, out of suspicion’s reach.

Taehyung didn’t have long.

“Do you think…” he started, voice low and quiet, “do you ever think that even though everything that happened, with your dad, though it was messed up… maybe something good came out of it?”

You stared at the back of his head.

“I wouldn’t have met all of you guys otherwise,” you admitted, “it’s been fun with you.”

Nodding, Taehyung finally turned, positioning himself in front of you. Your eyebrows furrowed as you saw him look down, taking a deep breath.

“You know, when we had that project together, it was never more than a crush,” his eyes came to meet yours and your heart thudded in your chest. He was so close to you, watching you intently, “but, Y/N, I really like you. And it’s not good, what happened, but I’m glad you came to my door that night. And I know I’m going to miss you after all this so I had to say something, maybe I’m crazy but-“

“You’re not crazy,” you finally found your voice after staring in awe at the boy, at the words coming out of his mouth, “I-I feel the same. I want this to be all over with Shinhyuk, but I don’t want to stop seeing you. I don’t want to go.”

You were sure the look in his eyes was mirrored in your own.

Shakily, he exhaled.

The two of you were so close now, the air around you static, holding its breath as you leaned forwards, closing the distance.

Until your lips met, you hadn’t known how much you wanted it. Taehyung’s hand came up to cup your jaw softly, the other travelling to your waist as you savoured the kiss, blissfully sweet but filled with longing.

Chasing more bliss, you tilted your head, transforming the kiss from something gentle to something more, and all too soon it was over, leaving you both panting, foreheads resting together, breathless smiles on your faces. Returning the gaze from Tae’s dark eyes, you looked back with just as much awe.

His eyes dropped once more to your lips. Your own parted in anticipation as you watched him dart his tongue out subconsciously.

Then his phone buzzed.

You both hesitated, but pulled back. Today of all days, you were aware the messages would be important. As he reached across the bed for the phone, his hand enveloped yours, happy now he could finally hold it when he wanted.

The screen lit up, showing only two words from Jungkook.

Code Black

One of Hoseok’s hands rested on the wheel. The car was engulfed in shadow, the four boys silent as they watched their target across the street.

Before, it had looked unassuming, just another local business in the row of shops crammed together. Now, the sign had been ripped down, leaving a gap in the otherwise continuous row of neon and paint that made up the front of other businesses. Both front windows were shattered, painting spiderwebs over the black canvas of the dark interior.

Tonight the road wasn’t busy. It was easy to spot as the car pulled up outside, two men in suits leaving it and entering the shop.

“They’re early,” Jin muttered, but they prepared anyway.

The deal would be over quickly, Shinhyuk just coming to pick up and inspect his new haul of weapons.

Sticking to the shadows, Yoongi led the way, easily blending in with the streets in his slouchy black clothes. Hoseok tapped his foot as he watched his friends leave one by one.

The men inside jumped when Yoongi threw the door open, holding his glock confidently in front of him. Namjoon and Jin flanked him, pulling out their guns as well, leaving the two men outnumbered, one behind the counter of the shop where the package was due to be, the other’s hand flying instantly to the holster on his belt.

For a moment, the only sound was a car starting up outside.

Then the second man turned around, gun raised, and fired. Yoongi ducked, running forward at a crouch as the glass door behind him shattered, two more shots going off as the other suited man fired and Namjoon retaliated.

Another shot flew past his shoulder as Yoongi dived over the counter, tackling his opponent, quickly handing him a fist to the face, hand fisting his collar.

From the other side of the shop came the grunting of the others as Namjoon and Jin took the first man down. In the struggle, he started yelling.

“Backup! Backup!”

Jin ripped an earpiece from the man’s ear, tossing it across the room.

Once they had both of them under control, Jin pressing the face of the man that had shouted into a table, arm in a lock behind his back, Yoongi pinning the other down with his gun lying uselessly in the middle of the shop floor, Namjoon strode to the counter.

“Where is Shinhyuk?” he demanded, looking between both men, neither of which were the intended target.

Not a word came in reply.

Maintaining his composure while the other two looked between each other in panic, Namjoon reached across the counter to lift up the large duffel bag that lay there. He frowned.

Placing it on the top, it made no sound, and pulling open the zip revealed the bag to be full of rolled up newspapers.

“What is this?” Namjoon’s fury bled through his words as he rummaged in the bag, coming up empty handed. A few balls of newspaper rolled onto the floor, but no one else dared move.

Looking at the man below him, Yoongi found he looked as dumbfounded as the rest of them.

“Where are the weapons?” he shook the guy, glaring at him until a reply left his lips.

“I-I don’t know, Shin said we had to come and pick them up-”

The buzzing of a phone sounded, and Namjoon pulled his out.

Code Black

He whirled around, but no one was to be seen outside. Only their own car.

Jin stepped back, releasing his captive.

“What is it?” he asked Namjoon.

“Jungkook. It’s a trap,” the blond ran a hand through his hair as he looked around the space in panic. They were in a dead end.

Yoongi was standing too now, and followed his leader in a heartbeat when he moved to the door.

“Where the fuck’s our car?” one of the men spoke behind them.

“’E’s left us,” the other responded in shock, “no one’s coming.”

Turning, Yoongi found them both standing, lost, staring at the empty road outside and the fake bag of ammo.

“You should get out of here,” he warned, stepping into the night.

“Bring him in.”

Shinhyuk had turned off his screen the moment he saw bangtan approaching the shop. He had sent disposable men; whatever happened to them now didn’t concern him. Catching the rat did.

Now, he strolled into the room where Jungkook was held.

“Well played, Jeon,” he snarled, “Very subtle.”

The boy glared back at him with ice in his eyes.

“I know you stole the file,” he continued, then to the guards flanking him, “search him.”

Struggling against his bonds didn’t help, but Shinhyuk’s smirking face had riled Jungkook up enough that he didn’t care about the metal digging into his skin. He didn’t know where his friends were. He had only had time to send out that one message as the guards had come barging in to get him.

At least he could take pride in the amount it had taken to get him under control. There were several nursing wounds upstairs as they spoke.

As rough hands patted at him, pulling his clothes and making their way into his pockets, Shinhyuk kept talking.

“I had my suspicions, Jeon. You proved them today. You were the only one I told about the deal, the perfect opportunity for bangtan to try and make a move, but it was just a fairy tale,” his lips curled up into a wolfish smile, “there were never any weapons. There was never any deal.”

He looked on, chuckling, as the search concluded, but the result pulled the smile right of his face.

“No file?” Jungkook took his turn to smirk.

“I know you’re the rat, boy,” Shinhyuk advanced, pushing his face right into Jungkook’s space, “but if you aren’t, how will your pretty friends know where to find you?”

Jungkook’s blood ran cold.

He was the bait.

Shinhyuk’s laughter rang out through the room, haunting him even after the man had slammed the door behind him, leaving Jungkook struggling against his bonds alone in the cell.

“Code black – Jungkook’s been found out,” Namjoon began addressing the tense boys gathered in his front room.

“They’re holding him at angel,” Taehyung added. He clutched his phone with white knuckles, having just been using it to speak to the leader of that specific base, the first rival that had defected to their side.

“Right, we can easily get in there and get him back,” Jin spoke remarkably calmly.

“Not so easy, actually,” Tae’s voice was dark, “Shinhyuk’s there too now. He’s waiting for us to come in.”

Every one of them was sitting forward in their seats, wracking their brains for a next move after they had been played and taken off-guard. Jimin lowered his head, running both hands through his hair.

“What if we turn up in one of Shinhyuk’s cars?” Hoseok suggested, “we can call on some of the drivers.”

“You’re right,” Namjoon nodded, “we still have the element of surprise on our side. He doesn’t know we’ve infiltrated him.”

“But let’s just get in, get Jungkook, and go,” Jimin said.

“Right,” Namjoon agreed, “today doesn’t have to be our victory anymore. Let’s just get Jungkook back and safely.”

Together, they stood, filing out of the room in silence.

You couldn’t stop reliving your kiss with Taehyung all evening. He had been gone a while, leaving in seconds after he checked his phone, hurriedly telling you something had come up.

Worried though you were, you knew all you could do was wait. It wasn’t easy trying to stay patient after you and Taehyung had finally confessed to each other, and you wanted nothing more than to continue where you left off.

Equally, your mind wouldn’t stop running through all the worst case scenarios. How would you know if something bad happened to him?

Trying your best to preoccupy yourself, you read for a bit longer, pushing away the nerves over what could be happening out there right now. Every time your mind drifted from the page in front of you, you told yourself there was nothing you could do. The plan was a good one, and now all the boys had to do was pull it off.

Somehow that didn’t help.

As darkness fell, you quietly made your way downstairs, closing the curtains while staying out of sight. You didn’t even turn the living room light on.

Already you were a little out of breath, so you stopped and rested on the arm of the sofa.

That was when someone knocked on the door.

Turning towards the sound, you started walking, but stopped yourself only feet away from the front door. Tae’s friends sometimes knocked, but they all had their own key too.

A second knock sounded, louder this time.

Frozen on the spot, you debated with yourself. Who on earth could it be? Maybe something had happened to Tae, and they were here to tell you…

The banging resumed, this time with a shout.

“Y/N?”

You gasped. That wasn’t one of the boys, but it sounded a lot like-

“Jake?” you muttered under your breath, approaching the door to look through the peephole.

Sure enough, there was your college friend on the step. He was looking down at something you couldn’t see, but it was him alright.

Cautiously, you lifted your hand to the catch and opened the door a crack.

“Jake?”

His hands flew behind his back, making you frown at him.

“Y/N…” he pushed at the door, which you let fall open just a little bit more, “I can’t believe I’ve found you, it’s all gonna be okay, yeah? We’ve been looking for you for so long…”

“Oh, Jake, I’m sorry…” you shuffled in the doorway. He was standing close to you, eager to be let in, but you stood your ground, “I couldn’t get in touch, but I promise I’m fine I just-“

“Y/N, you aren’t thinking straight,” he pushed forward again.

This time you weren’t strong enough to stop the door opening. You stepped hurriedly away from him as he crossed the threshold. You wanted to sit down again, but you didn’t feel comfortable with Jake in the house.

“We were so worried at college Y/N, and so is your dad” he begged, holding his hands out, “let’s just get you home, okay?”

Frowning back at him, you didn’t move, so after a second he walked closer instead, driving you further down the hallway.

“Jake, please leave,” you told him.

What he was saying didn’t make sense. Your dad was under Shinhyuk now, your college friends couldn’t have possibly contacted him-

“Let’s go home, Y/N,” he said.

But you knew your ‘home’ wasn’t safe anymore. Your eyes darted to the open door behind him, wondering if you could run. Then you saw something.

Two long metal pins were jammed into the lock at the front of the house. He had been trying to break in.

All you knew when you started running was that you weren’t going with Jake. Rushing through the kitchen door and slamming it hard in his face, you dashed out of the side door, straight onto a small alley between two houses. Not letting your feet stop, you ran as fast as you could, away from the main street and further into unfamiliar paths.

Behind you, the door slammed as Jake gave chase, but instead of calling out to you, he shouted, “this way!”

Then more footsteps joined him.

Blood whooshed through your ears, chest constricting after only a couple of corners, but your pursuers gave no sign of letting up. The stab wound seared in your side, and for a moment your vision went white. It was only a split second, but you knew you were in trouble.

Not now, not now…

You willed your legs to keep going. You had to get away.

Then the bang of a gunshot deafened your ears and you ducked blindly, stumbling forwards before picking up the pace again.

One more shot hit the wall by your ear, making you flinch away.

Sparks were filling your vision, and you could barely breathe, but you pushed yourself, knowing danger lay behind. Your eyes screwed shut against the pain as you forced yourself to run, when a bang sounded, followed by a new, burning pain slicing through your shoulder.

You were unconscious before you hit the asphalt.

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[michellejackson]

Letting you sink in

Fandom: Druck

Pairing: Fatou Jallow/Kieu My Vu

Wordcount: 1815

Fatou thinks she has been ghosted yet again, Kieu My proves her wrong.

You can also read it on ao3 :)

It seemed to be on theme for Fatou to wait around for Kieu My. Twice now she has lain in bed looking at what she’s sent wondering why she’d been left on read. She knew she should work on the math problems given to her by Ilai, but somehow her thoughts kept drifting off, she couldn’t get Kieu My out of her head. She couldn’t get their shared kiss out of her head. Kieu My had kissed her, like actually kissed her, a moment Fatou had dreamed of ever since she first saw her raise her hand in physics. Fatou had paid close attention to her in those classes, noticing how she never fully raised her hand, but always had the right answer. Thinking about her always made her stomach jump a little.

She kept drifting off until she heard a small knock at her window. Looking down from the ceiling and casting her daydreams aside, she saw a tall silhouette in the window, shadowed by her curtains. She looked at it for a while, contemplating who it could be. The knock came again. Fatou carefully got up from the bed and took small steps towards the window. She pulled a tiny bit off the curtain aside to see who it was and as her eyes adjusted to the person standing before her she quickly let go of the curtain. She was yet again staring at the silhouette. 

“Uhm, hi, Fatou,” a low and hesitant voice came from the other side of the window. Oh god. Pulling the entire curtain aside, Fatou was suddenly standing face to face with Kieu My. 

Through her initial shock, Fatou managed to wave a little. Kieu My smiled and pointed at the windows handle, it took a minute for Fatou to catch on and she silently cursed herself for being so slow before opening the window and letting Kieu My climb into her bedroom. Kieu My was standing in her bedroom. This was not the way she thought her day would go.

Fatou just looked at Kieu My for a while, trying to figure out what to make out of the situation. She thought about what to say, should she ask about the kiss? About why she left without saying goodbye? Should she tell her that she likes her? Does Kieu My like her back? 

Of course, Fatou asked none of those questions, instead what gets out is a hesitant “how did you know where I lived?”. Studying Kieu My, she could see her getting more hesitant. “Um, I texted Zoe and she in turn asked Nora, who then texted me your address,” the words slowly found a way through her lips (in which Fatou was definitely not staring at) and when she finished speaking, she looked kind of embarrassed, this made Fatou smile. “Oh, okay,” was all she managed.

Silence followed, and Kieu My looked anywhere but at Fatou, her eyes eventually landing on Maike. “So that’s the tortoise Contantin and Ismail stole, huh?” a slow nod, “he told you?” 

Kieu My looked at Fatou again, “yeah, he was freaking out because he didn’t have anywhere to put it or any knowledge of how to care for it so I told him you worked at an aquarium and possibly knew a thing or two and probably were his best bet-” she abruptly stops talking and quickly closes her eyes. Fatous smile grew bigger, “you know where I work?” She suddenly felt better about knowing her zodiac sign.

Opening her eyes, Kieu My looks a little uneasy, trying to find the right words. Hesitantly she opens her mouth, “yeah, Zoe must have mentioned it or something, I don’t know…” She trails off. 

Smiling at her, Fatou opens her mouth, “I texted you”. Kieu My stares at the axolotl on the wall, nodding, admitting to seeing it. It got silent. Fatou didn’t know what more to say, Kieu My just admitted to leaving her on read, so instead of filling the silence she waited for Kieu My to start talking. “I had a family emergency,” Fatou nodded, suddenly filled with worry. “Everything is okay now-” Kieu My continues, “-or not really, but we’re managing. I don’t really want to talk about it.” 

Fatou just nods again, she notices how Kieu My says this so nonchalantly, as if she doesn’t care, even though she clearly does. Fatou doesn’t push her to talk more about it though. 

“I’m not gonna say that I didn’t have time to answer your message though, because I did, I had-” Fatou’s stomach drops and her smile falls, Kieu My was here to reject her. Of course, it was inevitable, but for a second she really thought it wasn’t, which made this so much worse. Kieu My is still staring at the wall and Fatou finds herself just wishing for this to be over. 

“-I’ve, uh, been thinking about it a lot, the kiss I mean,” and it was a mistake Fatou thought, trying to soften the blow. “It was my first kiss.” Silence. “With a girl I mean, and I really don’t know how to do this. I’m new to this, you know, with girls, I don’t really know anything, and I don’t really know if you… you know, wanna do this or anything or if it was only just a one-time thing” Kieu My franticly waves her right hand around as she speaks seemly fast again, and Fatou quickly looks up to her in shock. 

Kieu My wants “this”? Fatou opens her mouth, thinking of things to say. It’s like her brain short-circuited. Kieu My wanted this, wants this. That’s what she meant, right?

“So, uh, yeah I didn’t really know how to formulate that into a text message, and I was kind of freaking out about it so I just showed up here like a creep,” she stopped her rambling for a second to laugh at herself, Fatou smiled, she had never seen Kieu My look so frantic and vulnerable. What should she say? What could she say? At a loss for words Fatou just stared at Kieu My. The silence clearly wasn’t the respond Kieu My wanted, because she quickly closed off. 

“You know what this was stupid, I’m really sorry for just showing up here like this, you don’t date friends, I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page,” the rambling continued as she turned around and quickly walked towards the window, “I’m very sorry for kissing you and also I was really drunk so,” her ice queen persona was once again quickly coming to light. Fatou was getting tired of this, she was getting tired of chasing after Kieu My and then getting freezed out seconds later, “we’re friends?” 

That was, without a doubt, the wrong thing to say. Kieu My’s face fell even more, which didn’t seem possible two seconds ago. Crap. “Oh wow, well, no. I guess we aren’t”.

Before anything Fatou said or didn’t say could be interpreted wrong again, she started talking. 

“I like you.” The silence was so loud that she could hear Kieu My turn around. “I’ve liked you for a really long time, not that you would’ve noticed because you never really noticed me, and when you first did notice me it was because I was friends with Nora and you and your friends were ganging up on her, which by the way, was fucked up,” she didn’t know where she was going with this, but continued before she lost courage, “you know, up until the Friendsgiving dinner we had for Ava I kind of thought you liked me too, I thought I felt something and I was so sure, and then you kissed that guy. I acted so stupidly because the whole time I was running after you and the whole time you just didn’t care,” she took a deep breath, “and then at Ava’s, when we watched that movie and were talking, I thought we were getting somewhere, but then again you just shut me out. And on tinder you just ghosted me, and then on new year’s you just left,” Kieu My was looking at her eyes now. “You always close up on me, including now, you’re not ‘the ice queen’, Kieu My, and you don’t have to act like that around me.” 

Silence followed and Fatou was contemplating if she should sew her mouth shut. Did she go too far? Before she could take anything back, Kieu My’s voice filled the silence. 

“I noticed you.”

Three simple words, crashing down on everything Fatou thought she knew.

“What.”

“You were almost always late; I would see you skating into the school from the classroom window. I was always curious about you, you had this… easiness about you.” Fatou was stunned. Kieu My took a step closer to her, seemingly deciding against running away. 

“I freaked out at Friendsgiving, I had all these feelings towards you that I couldn’t place, and this guy was coming onto me and it just felt… easier I guess.” She took a deep breath before hesitantly continuing, “I like you. I liked you at the dinner, I liked you at Ava’s, even when I thought you rejected my pathetic attempt at flirting. When I saw you on tinder, I thought it was a good chance to get to know you better, that it would be easier on text. But then you invited me to hang out and I freaked out again.” She stepped closer and laughed nervously.

“Oh,” was all Fatou got out.

“Oh.” Kieu My repeated. 

Fatou was at a loss for words yet again, her eyes taking in Kieu My, her eyes, her lips, her smile, she was smiling so beautifully, Fatou couldn’t help but smile back.  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making you feel like I was leading you on, and I’m sorry for acting like-” Fatou quickly interrupted, “I swear if you say ice queen-” Kieu My laughs. “Fine, I’m sorry for acting like a brat then.” Fatou starts laughing along her, lightly pushing her shoulder, “no!” She exclaims, hand lingering on Kieu My’s shoulder. 

When their laughter dies down and silence takes over, they’re left standing close, just looking at each other, just like on New Year’s Eve. Fatou looks up at Kieu My, smiling, trying to get the words she’d been contemplating out into the world. “Kieu My?” Kieu My looks down at her, her smile nervous. “Yes” she says as she raises her hand to softly caress Fatou’s cheek. 

“I like you.”

Kieu My lowers her face as Fatou stretches to match her height, their noses touch softly. 

“Fatou?” 

“Yes?”

“I like you too.”

“Do you wanna be with me?” It’s a light whisper, but it’s loud enough for Kieu My to hear, and she does, and her responding smile could brighten up the whole world.