#The Words Best Friends Become Redefined Part 2

[ourloveisforthelovely]

The Words "Best Friends" Become Redefined. Part 2

Regulus Black AU

Summary: You had been Regulus’ friend since childhood and now his mistress. The war had changed many things, Regulus among them. Now its time to decide if you should put your self-worth over missing someone who was gone.  

Pairings: Regulus Black x Reader

Rating: M- smut

Song in Chapter: King of Wishful Thinking by Go West 

Link to Part 1 

______

I'll get over you, I know I will. I'll pretend my ship's not sinking and I'll tell myself I'm over you. 'Cause I'm the king of wishful thinking.

Your eyes snapped open as the song on the radio began to register in your sleep-deprived mind. Groaning, you sat up and threw a shoe at the radio knocking it off of your chest of drawers. Anything about being “the queen of wishful thinking” made you want to barf.

It had been several weeks since the night at the pub and you were no closer to getting over Regulus than you were on day one. Every day seemed to be the same, emotionally. You would wake up, cry a little, get mad at yourself for being sad (because you were right and he was wrong), then get up and force yourself to put on a happy face.

Regulus wasn’t helping any matters by sending you letters every single day. He had sent you the emerald bracelet that you returned several times before you finally gave up and just kept it. When it came to the letters, you just gave them to Sirius to do whatever he wanted with them.

Sirius

You were more thankful than ever for your friendship with the elder Black brother. He was always a willing ear when you needed to rant. Sirius also took extra care to not tell Remus anything about the true nature of your relationship with Regulus. For all that Remus knew, in your mind, was your friendship with Regulus had ended and you were being a royal grouch about it.

Sighing, your mind went to the previous night when you were once again raging about Regulus to Sirius.

“I’m a real idiot, Sirius. I go around throwing away perfectly good boyfriends. Well, I don’t know if he considered himself my boyfriend but god damn it…Regulus is such a freaking jerk!”

Sirius sat on the couch watching.

“You’re still wearing his ring.”

You looked down at your hand. The ring that Regulus had given you years ago was still sitting proudly on your finger.

“I know that I am! I am a mess, Sirius. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. All I want to do is cry. You know me, I’m not a crier! I can handle a crisis!”

Sirius smirked.

“A trait that you share with your brother so well…look, love, just because you love him doesn’t mean he’s good for you…hey look at me being the responsible one. Normally that’s your brother's job”

You groaned dramatically before sitting down.

“I know you are right but I don’t want to accept it. I am having a shit time at just throwing away a ten-year friendship and slight love affair. Why wasn’t I good enough for Regulus to fight for? Why couldn’t he say no to your family’s psycho ways and fight for me? Am I not…”

Sirius held a hand up.

“I’m just going to stop you right there, Y/n. You are more than good enough! You have always been good enough! Personally, I think that you are too good for the bum. Now come with me, we are going to do something. I want no complaining.”

You reluctantly followed Sirius into your bedroom. He led you to your full-sized mirror and put you in front of it.

“Now I want you to stand here, look at yourself, and tell me some of your best qualities.”

You gave your friend a frown only to earn a slap to the behind.

“I’m your best friend. I can do that…now get going, sugar bean.”

You sighed and looked at your reflection for a moment before meeting Sirius’ waiting eyes.

“I’m smart. I’m a good friend. I’ll fight for those I care about no matter the cost. I have a giving heart…I may be a sass queen…”

Sirius snorted.

“May be?”

You chuckled before turning around and hugging Sirius.

‘“Thank you, Sirius.”

Getting out of bed, you felt somewhat better. While Sirius could drive you crazy, he also knew how to make you feel a lot better.

He really does remind me of Regulus.

A truer thought couldn’t have been said about that one. Whether they argued and swore that they were totally different. Regulus and Sirius’ friendship styles were extremely similar. Standing in you in front of the mirror and making you list off good qualities about yourself was definitely something that Regulus would have done.

Stepping into the shower, you sighed in relief as the hot water washed over your aching muscles. In addition to your poor state of mental health, you had been pulling extra duties for The Order. This meant nightly patrols, tons of research, and spying on unsuspecting death eaters with Sirius and Remus.

“Hi sugar, I know that you miss me.”

You froze. This had been the first time that you had heard Regulus’ voice in your mind. Legilimency. Of course, Regulus could do this. You internally smacked yourself in the head as you “chose” to ignore him.

“Oh, you’re still not talking to me, huh? That’s too bad. I miss you, princess. Do you really expect me to go from spending every day with you for ten years to nothing so easily? I miss everything about you.”

You closed your eyes. Even though you were quite good at Occlumency, you made no move to push Regulus from your mind. Maybe you were asking for what you were getting. Maybe you were being weak…but damn it was wonderful to hear Regulus’ voice in your mind.

“Still nothing? Y/n, you really are being so stubborn. Maybe you should know what I miss. I miss seeing your beautiful face underneath me. How beautiful you look after I kiss your lips until they’re swollen and your cheeks are flushed bright pink. I miss how desperate you get when I suck on those dusty nipples. I miss how you move under me. You can’t tell me, love, that you don’t miss how your pussy trembles when I’m pushing in. Don’t forget, sweetheart, that it was I that showed you how to please a man. Now, that I know you are wet, how about a word? Anything…tell me where you are and I’ll come to you. We can fix all of these nasty little issues that we are having and get back to us…the real us.”

You bit your lip at “the real us.” Regulus didn’t remember what the real “Regulus and Y/n” was. He forgot what your friendship meant. He forgot what actual love was…

Forcing Regulus’ voice from your mind, you quickly turned off the shower.

“I have got to keep him out of my mind.”

You spent the majority of the day trying your best to avoid having your mind fall back to Regulus. Thankfully, there was enough crazy going on at the ministry to keep you busy for hours. The less that Regulus graced your mind the better. You weren’t able to sit around and think about his cocky voice in your head that morning…and how deliciously deep his voice sounded.

Merlin, I am really fucked.

You thought before putting your head down on your desk. Maybe you were more screwed than your realized?

Later that day you were more than happy to meet Remus and Sirius for dinner at a bar. Seeing your friends was just what you needed to “get out of your head.” The moment that you walked into the bar, Sirius motioned you over to the table.

Taking off your jacket, you nearly collapsed at the table. Normally, you would have kissed Remus and Sirius both on the top of their heads. Today, that wasn’t happening. Both men looked slightly offended as you held your hand up.

“Rain check. What a day! I am beat!”

You commented as Remus slid you a glass of fire whiskey. He gave you a small smile. Remus wasn’t a fool. He knew that there was more to your friendship with Regulus ending than what he was being told. Remus wanted nothing more than to question you and then go kill Regulus…but that would get him nowhere. You were depressed enough as it was. If he “offed” Regulus, you would be inconsolable. If Remus was to do anything, it would be to let you tell him in your own time.

What is it with Lupins finding the Blacks so damn interesting?

Remus looked across the table at Sirius who gave him a small smile.

Oh, that…that right there.

Remus added to his thoughts before turning to you.

“Long day?

You nodded.

“We don’t have many short ones any longer. I swear, this war needs to hurry the hell up. I don’t think that I was meant for this being careful thing. I ran into Augustus Rockwood today and had to stop myself from saying you’re next mother fucker.”

Sirius giggled.

“I’m surprised that you didn’t. Y/n, I have to say that Remus and yourself are the sassiest people that I know.”

“Does that assessment include yourself?”

Remus asked, cheekily. Sirius rolled his eyes.

“See what I mean? Sass!”

You leaned back in your chair and took a sip of your whiskey as the lights in the bar went out. Immediately, you reached for your wand as some death eaters walked into the bar.

“Boy, they sure like to make a big entrance.”

You murmured as Remus, Sirius, and yourself dropped to the floor. Remus’ eyes were wide as he turned to you.

“Get out. There is an exit in the back. Sirius and I will take the exit over there. If we all go together it will draw too much attention. If you want to go with Sirius, I’ll go the back way.”

You shook your head. The last thing that you were about to do was let them be separated. Besides, you could handle getting out on your own.

“No, just go. I’ll meet you lot back home.”

You whispered before crawling off toward the back of the pub as people in the bar started screaming. As much as you wanted to go back and fight, you knew it would be stupid. The three of you were outnumbered.

Once in the other room, you moved to stand up but someone grabbed you from behind. You quickly threw your elbow back hitting whoever it was in the ribs. When they made a painful moan, you pulled away enough to get a good look at who it was.

“Going somewhere, sugar?

You froze as Regulus took off his mask. As much as you wanted to stand and stare at him, you couldn’t. Taking out your wand you launched hex after hex at Regulus only for him to repel them away. You wanted him to hurt as much as you were hurting!

“Come on sugar is that the best you’ve got?”

Regulus said, sounding bored. You stopped and glared at him. You wanted Regulus to feel your misery. If there was anything of the man that you cared about in there…you wanted him to see your side.

“I don’t kill things. Unlike you, I don’t hurt people that I care about.”

Regulus chuckled.

“Oh, sugar. You really are mad.”

You picked up an empty bottle and threw it at Regulus. He sighed as it only hit him in the chest.

“Go away, Regulus. If you’re going to kill me then just be a man and do it.”

You snapped. Regulus was about to reply but stopped the moment that he heard Lucius Malfoy’s voice. He stood motionless for a moment before rushing forward and wrapping his arms around you.

“Don’t scream. Be silent.”

He hissed before standing his body upright. The last thing that Regulus wanted was for Malfoy to have any idea that he had “company.”

“Black, we need to go. Nothing that we came for is here. It was another piece of bloody useless information.”

You stood wrapped in Regulus’ arms clutching tightly to his death-eater robes as he gently rubbed soothing circles on your back.

Soothing…what is happening here?

You thought before taking a moment and breathing him in. Never in a million years did you think that you would ever be in Regulus’ arms like this again…yet here you were. There you were and he was holding you just as he did before turning away from you.

“I knew it was a waste of time. Go ahead, I’ll be along shortly. There is something else that I need to take care of.”

Regulus replied. He waited until he was positive that Malfoy was gone before letting go of you. When you looked back at your love’s face, he looked ready to panic. His cool calm composure was gone.

“Take the second door and get out of here. Turn into your animagus form the instant you are outside and don’t turn back into a human until you are home. Run and don’t look back…just run.”

“Reg..I…”

He shook his head before pulling you into a kiss. Neither of you moved away from the other for a moment. It was savoring the moment… enjoying the closeness that both of you missed. You sighed as Regulus’ tongue caressed yours. This was the kiss that you missed…the kiss that you longed for in your dreams…

Regulus was the first to pull away.

“Go! Stop wasting time…just please…go.”

You gave him one final look before morphing into your cat animagus form and rushing out the door into the dark silence of the ally way…

______ @amelie-black @jessyballet @knreidy1 @georgeweasleydumbhoe @justfinishthis @acciosiriusblack @siriuslyceleste @mimisparkle12 @teletubiswszpilkach @ell0ra-br3kk3r @darkenwolfie @livshifts @stelleduarte @starsval @millies0bsimp @coffeeaddictednymph @readtomeregulus @daddyslittlevillain @rogue-nyx88 @panpride @saramaple @missgorldafirst @s-we-e-t-t-ea @taylor-will-be-the-death-of-me @f4iryluvy @buttercup-beeee @i-love-scott-mccall @gugggu6gvai @jag9000 @quinis @yousmellllikecaca @mentally-unstable-hoe @haroldpotterson @padf00ts-l0ver @goldensunshineshit @aurorasnape12 @ad-astra-again @rubyroscoe1 @dumybitch @spideyxalmighty @lucasfilms77 @lostarc24 @marichromatic @play-morezeppelin @ravenhood2792 @un-lovesherself @melaninnbarbie @criminalyetminimal @brokencasbutt67-writer @authoressskr @moldy-old-boot @hankypranky @summer-novak @emiwrites3reads @shaylybaby2032 @knight-of-gleefulness @deanwherescas @sprnaturallover @wontlookaway @shitfaceddaniel-blog @untoldshortsofthefandoms @li0nh34rt @tas898 @mycuddlycorner

[myelocin]

Redefining You | Kuroo T. , Miya A.

Summary: The three times you realize you love Tetsurou, and the fourth where you finally say it. A redefinition of the love that came to you, unanswered. 

Characters/Pairings: Kuroo Tetsurou, You, (Miya Atsumu comes on ch 2)

Warnings/ Genre: Mentions of alcohol (beer?), tattooed!Kuroo, Angst, Unrequited Love, Healing, Slice of Life

Word Count: 3.2k

a/n: I felt some things last night and thought about some songs, so therefore here is an angst that is near and dear to my heart. 

[Part 1] | Part 2  | Epilogue | Bonus

-

The first time the thought came to you was at age 13. You didn’t know what love was, never really felt it before, but as you stared at the way he hid behind his bangs and shuffled closer to his black jacket- you felt it. The first tap on your heart, first flutter of the butterflies, and the first kisses of an oncoming blush blooming onto the apples of your cheeks.

At thirteen, Kuroo Tetsurou said his hellos through cheeky smiles and light laughter. When he didn’t have volleyball, he’d be seated next to you in your orchestra class sharing a music stand, and engaging in small talk. He scoffed at your weird jokes, but he looked straight at you when you talked about your day. 

You remember thinking about him in the school bus on the way home.

In him, you saw happiness; felt it even. During movie “dates” where the two of you watched Bridge to Terabithia while video calling at one in the morning because actual dates at the movie theater weren’t allowed by your mom just yet. Now, in your older years, you still often think back to those moments and laugh to yourself at how you turned beet red at Tetsurou typing ‘ur cute.’ on the chat box.

And so at thirteen years old, though still innocent towards the idea of love, through your own definitions you decided that the only explanation was that you loved him. And so love him you did.

-

The second time was four years later. You had moved abroad after your mother’s passing, and hadn’t really thought about the boy with the seemingly eternal bedhead. You flowed into your new routine quite easily despite the stark difference in culture and environment. At this point, though you still had moments where your thoughts ghosted over Tetsurou, you concluded it to be the stage where it had become just a funny memory.

Except, of course, there was that one vacation your dad forced you to go on (it being his hometown), the one where you literally knew nobody and didn’t speak a word of the dialect, in some weird turn of event you found yourself pressing the call button next to his name. Long story short, there was a really awkward conversation about why you were calling him at five in the morning but he eventually cracked a joke that was so like him, that the conversation with him just flowed naturally afterwards.  

A call turned into two, and then before you knew it, despite on standing in the opposite sides of the world, a deeper friendship between the two of you grew. 

Phone calls between the two of you became a regular fixture of your day, something that you eventually looked forward to. Still keeping in contact with the same group of friends you and Tetsurou grew up with, sometimes it felt like you never left at all. You found out that he eventually left orchestra and instead devoted his time to the volleyball team in his highschool along with Kenma.  It seemed like a natural choice for him to leave. After all, you saw him often scowl at the orchestra teacher during breaks.

At seventeen, you had that feeling again. You felt the familiar flutter during every goodnight and good morning call Tetsurou slipped within your day. Snapshots within your day included a random selfie Tetsurou had sent you and various other text messages that updated you about his day. For almost three years, you saw him through a screen. You saw Tetsurou falling asleep while flipping through an algebra textbook, yelling with or at Kenma with a game controller, or just laying back in his bed tossing and catching a volleyball while you flipped through your own notes. The distance didn’t mean much to you because despite being thousands of miles apart, it felt like Tetsurou was right there.

Your favorite moments had to be the summer of your final year in highschool.

 It became a routine where Tetsurou, knowing that you completely trashed your sleeping schedule, you were more than awake at three in the morning for him to call. That summer he finally got his license and developed the habit of driving around with you, plastered on the screen of his phone, your voice blasted on the speaker instead of playing the music you knew he liked driving to.

 He’d stop by a convenience store to buy ice cream and eat it with you (having your own midnight snack) at a quiet parking lot some distance from the city. And the two of you would stay like that for hours. You’d muse about the three a.m. thoughts swimming around your head that night and he’d listen, with the occasional snarky comment (that became endearing to you over the years), and he’d talk about the three p.m. thoughts swimming in his.

And despite being on opposite sides of the world, you managed to watch the sun together. Though, the only difference was that as it rose on your corner of the world, he sat and watched it set in his.

“We’re watching the same sun, though,” he’d say, and in a way, it made the distance feel a little absent.

So your heart decided to beat again, during a Saturday evening that autumn: when you accepted the skype call at seven p.m. and waved a good morning to a sleepy Tetsurou. He replied with a good evening before settling back into his bed with a mug of coffee and his fleece blanket wrapped up to his head.

“If you were here we could have actually gone on a date instead of that shitty video call, you know.”

You looked at him, pouting into his mug of coffee, eyes still a little bleary from sleep and figure enveloped in a giant blanket. “I know.”

“I bet we’d look cute together, (y/n).”

You pressed your face into the heels of your hands and scrunched your nose towards the screen. “Tetsu, I would look cute. You’d look slightly cuter next to me.”

He scrunched his nose and retaliated with an equally snarky comment, but you didn’t mind. The same flutter in your stomach told you that you didn’t mind. The way your heart pounded a little faster as you looked at your best friend bathed in the morning light, hit the final nail in the coffin with the assurance that you absolutely did not mind.

-

The third came in scattered moments. 

For a while you had kept it as a secret for yourself, but eventually coming clean to Kenma one night as he drawled about how annoying Tetsurou had gotten over his new girlfriend. The blonde gave you a look through the screen before groaning, “My God, (y/n). I was rooting for you two.”

You couldn’t find it in yourself to hate the girl. Next to Tetsurou, she seemed like sunshine and you could see it. In the way his smile tilted a little higher and the way his eyes shone when she spoke. He often replied to her with a voice as soft as hers, so you yielded. “He’s happy, Kenma.”

Kenma looked at you with a flat look, so you took his silence as his response. Huffing out an exhale and pushing the controller to the camera’s line of vision, you met Kenma’s stare. “Another round?”

The realization didn’t come as a completed that came to you at once.

Slowly, even as you told yourself that you were okay, and whatever this was is okay, you knew convincing yourself was another story. The dynamic between the two of you didn’t change, or at least on Tetsurou’s part he genuinely thought that it didn’t.

The mornings and evening calls were still constant even though the duration had become shorter. Gone were the nights you’d idly sit and watch Tetsurou fight sleep during homework. But it was fine. You knew she must have kept him awake enough to finish the worksheets.

Jealously was an ugly emotion, you thought. 

You knew it didn’t suit you, but you couldn’t help but feel it bubbling during that one Sunday night he’d rang you up at five thirty in the morning, because he knew you wouldn’t hesitate to answer (you didn’t), and waved a hello before flipping the camera and showing his girlfriend shyly waving at you from the passenger seat of his car.

Your throat tightened when you looked at the watch, then looked at the screen where he forgot to flip the screen, showing the setting sun’s light cast on the two.

You laughed out your excuse of needing to catch up on a little more sleep before you clicked your phone off and turned towards the window.

The sun had risen, and your heart may have clenched a little at the thought that he was watching the same sun set with someone who wasn’t you, but Tetsurou smiled in that special way with the twinkle in his eyes, so even as you watched the sky light up from the first peaks of the sun’s rays, you decided that because you loved him—you didn’t mind.

-

The next year continued like that.  The friendship stayed although the dynamic you two shared changed. As the year progressed, you took note of the dwindling calls, and hasty text messages. You didn’t bother to keep up with how their relationship deepened, but still had the heart to like every Instagram post either of them posted during anniversaries. You held on to the birthday messages or songs he randomly sent you and listened to the words that you sometimes imagined were what he meant for you. Once in a while the conversation would last longer than the occasional greetings and things felt like they clicked back into place again. But the next day, there never came the nostalgic good morning, or the sight of him with bleary eyes in the morning light, so you tucked that little piece of memory and listened to the same three songs you imagined were for you.

And because you loved him—for that time it was enough.

Before the autumn of the following year began, you found yourself seated on a twelve hour flight back to Tokyo where for the first time, in over seven years, you stood in front of him. Tetsurou was beaming, and you felt choked up.

Tetsurou’s hello was made known through a tight hug and a, “Glad you’re home.” So for that short while, you wrapped your arms around him and breathed the scent of his jacket, because for the first time in seven years, in a way he felt a little like home.

So as he sat across from you and said, “You would’ve loved her! She had to go somewhere that’s why she can’t come. But maybe you can meet another time!” you didn’t have it in you to let your smile crack and instead reached forward to clap him on the shoulder.

“Tetsu, you’re whipped.”

He laughed but nodded at your comment, but again, you took note of his happy smile so you let yourself try to mirror the emotion he held in his. And because you loved him, you thought of the tunes of the songs you imagined were for you and searched for the momentary peace in that.

-

That one time where you finally broke your silence was when he walked into your apartment with a chipped smile. 

Another two years had passed where you watched Tetsurou grow into a new identity. He still cracked the same jokes from years ago, that you remembered, but his change was first subtle with the way he liked his coffee made to the resolve hardening in his eyes, and to the ink that wrapped around his arms. But he still had moments that made him reach out to you, and in those times you’d catch him animated about the most mundane things in early sunlight— you allowed yourself to love him quietly in silence.

“I have beer,” he said as he shrugged off his coat and rolled his sleeves up. 

From your spot standing in the kitchen, you eyed the fresh ink on his arms. “New ink?”

Tetsurou placed the pack of beer in the middle of your table before taking a seat in the couch. He threw his head back and looked at you. “Yup. Got it earlier. Come sit,” he patted the empty space next to him with a little extra emphasis, “I really need a hug.”

Grabbing the bowl of chips from the counter, you made your way to where he was and sat at the empty space next to him. Automatically he slumped against your form and began picking at the chips.

Your hands patted the spikes in his hair and you leaned back, Tetsurou warm against your side.

“I feel like I’m dying,” he mumbled in your side.

“You’re not dying, Tetsu. Your heart just hurts.”

“I really love her,” his voice didn’t crack like you expected it to but his hand fisted the hem of your sweater a little tighter, so you sunk your hands into his hair and began smoothing out the wilder pieces. This had always distracted him, so you hoped it worked this time around.

You gestured for him to sit up and follow you as you grabbed a can of beer as you sat up. “Let’s get you some fresh air.”

Tetsurou grumbled a little before grabbing his own can and following you to the balcony. You leaned against the railing, cracked the tab open and took a swig. Tetsurou joined you by the railings and clinked his beer against yours before taking his own sip.

Tokyo’s skyline looked beautiful in the night. You peered at the man standing next to you, his own can pressing against his lips. “What made you get a new tattoo?”

He shrugs. “Don’t know.”

He paused to sigh. “Just felt like it.”

“You know you’re a good person right?” you ask.

“I’m not as much of a saint as I wish I was.”

“None of us are saints.”

He tipped tipped the can back and gulped down the remainder of his beer. “Not many people have broken a person either.”

And after a little pause in silence, you reassured him, “You’re gonna be okay, Tetsu. In time.”

“I don’t think I’m in that mindset yet.”

“Yet.”

He looked at you and sighed again. You thought even with tired eyes he looked beautiful. “Yet,” he repeated back.

And somehow along that night, the hours stretched into a comfortable silence. 

This felt a little like déjà vu. With Tetsurou settled behind you, chin on top of your head as he enveloped your form in his, the both of you facing the east. Little specks of yellow lights began to dance around the sky.

Tetsurou’s voice broke through the silence as he said, “Have you ever loved someone?”

You closed your eyes and leaned into his warmth, already rehearsing the tunes of the song that brought you a false blanket of serenity over the years. “I have.”

“You did?” he asks, and his is tone sounded a little shocked, but you felt it in you that deep down he must have known, or suspected something even.

“Yeah. Eight years. I saw him in everything.”

“How,” his tone was a little more tentative his time, considering he was now dancing on unfamiliar territory, “how did you let go?”

“I haven’t yet.”

He stayed silent but he squeezed you a little tighter.

And then the two of you watched as the yellow of the sun finally broke through. 

Slowly, the morning light illuminated the outline of Tokyo. You truly felt like you were in some sort of déjà vu as you looked at Tetsurou, for the first time, bathing in the same light, from the same sun, where you fell in love with him all those years ago.

You thought back to when your friend had told you that experiencing déjà vu meant that it was the universe’s own way of telling you that you’re going down the right path. And looking up Tetsurou, who felt the warmth of the sun with his head tilted back and eyes fluttered close, you knew you were right where you’re supposed to be.

Which was why you traced the ink on the side of your wrist and in a steady voice spoke, “I love you.”

He stepped back and looked at you. “What?”

His expression looked a little confused and you smiled. Holding out your wrist to him, you spoke again, “I began to tell myself that every day.”

“I realized because he made up such a big part of my life, when he moved on I felt missing and stuck. Kind of like being in a loop.” You giggled and willed yourself to remember the meaning of déjà vu again before continuing, “So like, the times where he’d be gone, I just decided to replace them by telling myself that I love me. I told myself good morning, and goodnight, and kept snapshots of my day to remind myself that I’m living this life and moving forward.”

Tetsurou looked beautiful in the morning light. Confused, but still beautiful.

“I realized in those eight years, I lost so much of myself. And he looked so happy. His eyes were literally sparkling, Tetsu! I thought that shit only happened in anime. But that kind of love happened to him so I thought I deserved that too.”

“I got this tattoo a few weeks ago, see?” 

You turned your wrist to the side and watched as he traced over the inked bundle of baby’s breath. “I read somewhere that it meant everlasting love. I was in the middle of another sad girl hour moment so I thought why not give it to myself? It’s a start, right?”

Tetsurou’s lips quirked up at your words before he looked at you. “I’m proud of you.”

You looked back and met his gaze. It didn’t hold the same sparkle that it did for her but you didn’t mind. The feeling of déjà vu never went away so you inhaled a sharp breath. Tetsurou truly did look beautiful in the morning light, more so as he stands in front of you with a gentle look in his eyes. More than five of the eight years that you knew him had you spent dreaming about the morning like this where you’d stand with your hands in his own, eye to eye in the same side of the world looking at the same sun that lay witness to your growth.

You took him into his arms and buried your face in his chest, inhaling his scent. He smelt as familiar as he felt. And the moment still feels like déjà vu you feel like you could cry. Your heart constricts in the way that kind of hurts but also kind of doesn’t, and you feel his hand rub circles on your back, so you speak, “You’ll find peace, Tetsu. We’ll get there.”

His cheek presses against the crown of your head as he murmurs, “In time.”

And in that moment you realize that even though you love him, first you tell yourself a silent ‘I love you’ , and then echo, “In time.”

-

proceed to part 2 here!

[undertheinfluencerd]

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Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man trilogy redefined the superhero genre and the summer blockbuster. The three films provided audiences with a sense of escapism unlike anything they had seen before, thanks to its heart-pounding action scenes and collection of beloved characters.

RELATED: Spider-Man Villains Ranked Least-Most Likely To Win The Hunger Games

Peter Parker, his friends, and his foes all got many chances to show off their abilities on the big screen. Indeed, the trilogy’s characters star in some of cinema’s most unforgettable moments. From upside-down kisses in the rain to heartfelt monologues about the responsibilities of a hero, Sam Raimi’s trilogy has plenty of scenes that rank as some of the most memorable in cinematic history.

10 Eddie Becomes Venom

To say that Topher Grace’s depiction of Venom is unpopular would be an understatement. In fact, most fans agree he was one of the things Spider-Man 3 got wrong. That doesn’t mean his character didn’t have some thrilling moments on-screen, though.

Eddie’s most memorable scene in the movie is his transformation into Venom. As Peter gets rid of the symbiote while in a belltower, the alien falls and lands on Eddie, quickly overtaking him. A killer soundtrack and fittingly gloomy atmosphere accompany the transformation. And even if Eddie ended up being an underwhelming villain, his conversion into Venom is definitely memorable.

9 Flint’s Confession

Every fan knows that Spider-Man 3 has way too many villains. None have enough room to shine or prove themselves as worthy heirs to Goblin and Ock’s legacies, but they still get some redeeming moments. In Sandman’s case, it’s his final monologue to Peter, where he confesses his guilt about the part he played in Uncle Ben’s death.

Enhanced by Thomas Haden Church’s performance, the scene succeeds in providing some much-needed closure for Peter. Sandman is less a villain and more a tragic figure of circumstance, and his confession to Peter confirms it.

8 Goblin’s First Flight

Willem Dafoe redefined what it means to be a comic book villain. His take on the Green Goblin is the perfect mix of over-the-top and seriousness, adding a sense of gravitas that overcomes the more cartoonish aspects of the role.

The character has plenty of memorable moments in the first Spider-Man movie. However, his initial confrontation against Spider-Man during the World Unity Fair will go down in cinematic history as one of the best action scenes of all time. It is fast-paced and thrilling, wasting not a single moment of its four-minute length. The Goblin gives an impressive display of his powers, proving that he will always be Spider-Man’s best villain.

7 Otto Octavius’s Sacrifice

Sam Raimi’s first two Spider-Man films succeeded because of how much they fleshed out the villains. They weren’t just CGI creations trying to take over the world, but three-dimensional characters with ambitions and limitations of their own. Spider-Man 2‘s Otto Octavius is one of the genre’s most compelling villains, one who succeeds in winning the audience’s sympathy while remaining a fearsome threat.

RELATED: 10 Things Only Comic Book Fans Know About Doctor Octopus

During Ock’s final moments, he sees the error of his ways and decides to go down with his creation. Proclaiming he will “not die a monster,” Octavius sacrifices for the greater good. Thanks to Alfred Molina’s committed performance, the moment is one of the trilogy’s most memorable, cementing Octavius as one of the genre’s most complex characters.

6 J. Jonah Jameson Saves Peter Parker

J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson is the very definition of spot-on casting. The actor took an already well-known character and translated him into the screen seamlessly and faithfully. Throughout his tenure in the trilogy, he gets plenty of comical moments, but his most memorable is his protection of Peter Parker.

When the Green Goblin blasts into the Bugle’s offices, he threatens Jameson and asks for the name of the photographer who takes Spider-Man’s pictures. Jameson refuses to tell on Peter, telling the Goblin the reporter sends his stuff through the mail. The scene shows a new and unexpected side to JJ, a glance at the empathy he works so hard to hide.

5 Uncle Ben’s Lesson

Uncle Ben’s death is one of the defining moments in Peter Parker’s storyline. It’s the first of many (many) tragedies to happen to the character, inspiring him to become a hero in the first place. Sam Raimi provides enough room for Uncle Ben’s character to develop before arriving at the inevitable conclusion.

Cliff Robertson’s heartfelt monologue summarises the essence of Spider-Man. “With great power comes great responsibility” has become one of the most enduring phrases in pop culture, adding a more profound layer to Raimi’s trilogy. And while Uncle Ben has little screentime, his presence remains throughout the entire trilogy, thanks in large part to his now-immortal words.

4 Aunt May’s Advice

Rosemary Harris remains the most compelling and memorable cinematic Aunt May. She imbued the role with plenty of warmth and empathy, avoiding the one-dimensional approach of subsequent movies. Harris’ Aunt May wasn’t just another peripheral character; on the contrary, she was Peter’s anchor, a constant source of inspiration for both the boy and the hero.

Her role as Peter’s guide is blatantly clear during her monologue in Spider-Man 2. While she packs her things to move out from her house, she talks to Peter about the nature and importance of heroism. Her speech is the gentle push Peter needed to understand the true role of his superhero counterpart. It’s a sweet but unforgettable moment that confirms Aunt May’s importance in the friendly neighborhood Spidey’s life.

3 Goblin’s Last Flight

Throughout the Raimi trilogy, Harry Osborn suffers almost as many ups and downs as Peter himself. The loss of his father leaves him devastated and desperate to find someone to blame, leading to his descent into the Green Goblin persona. Alas, Harry was never his father, and he proves it at the last moment.

RELATED: 10 Most Powerful Variants Of Green Goblin In Marvel Comics

Sporting the Goblin costume, Harry goes to help Peter fight Venom and the Sandman. The two confirm their friendship, and Harry bravely dies fighting the enemies. Harry’s sacrifice continues the recurring theme in the trilogy that every victory comes with a steep price. It’s also a perfect send-off for the character and a way to restore the Osborn legacy.

2 Mary Jane’s Upside-Down Kiss

For all its strengths, the Raimi trilogy has one undeniable flaw, and that’s its treatment of Mary Jane Watson, Peter Parker’s main love interest in the comics and most movies. The character barely received any development beyond her damsel in distress role. Still, Mary Jane is a crucial figure in superhero movies; she defined the “superhero girlfriend” role for better and worse.

Out of all her moments in the trilogy, Mary Jane’s most memorable is her upside-down kiss in the rain with Spider-Man. It’s not only one of the most iconic scenes in modern cinema, but a perfect summary of MJ and Peter’s relationship. The setup may seem a tad outdated under a 2021 eye, but Kirsten Dunst and Tobey Maguire’s chemistry is so electric that fans can let go of the more dubious elements of the scene and enjoy the romantic aspect.

1 Spider-Man Stops A Train

Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man remains as beloved now as he was back then. His take on Peter Parker gained new life thanks to the internet; indeed, Maguire’s Spidey is the king of memes, from Bully Maguire to the now-iconic “I missed the part where that’s my problem.”

However, this Spider-Man remains a blueprint for cinematic superheroes, thanks to his many heroic moments on screen. None is more memorable or inspiring than his efforts to stop a speeding train in Spider-Man 2. The scene works not only as an action setpiece but as a demonstration of Peter’s strongest power: his perseverance. Peter will never stop trying, even if all the odds are against him. Spider-Man is so relatable because he makes multiple mistakes and spends his time trying to fix them. But the point is, he will always try, and the train scene is the perfect representation of Spider-Man’s essence.

NEXT: 10 Unpopular Opinions About The Sam Raimi Spider-Man Movies (According To Reddit)

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The post Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man Trilogy: Each Main Character’s Most Iconic Scene appeared first on undertheinfluencerd.net.

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[scoundrels-in-love]

5 and 13! x

@clockworkswans Super late, so a tag in case you miss the response! Thank you so much for asking!

5. : K-Drama OTP(s)?

This is kind of funny because if I think about it, I love kdramas, but I don’t think I am person who typically gets all crazy about couple themselves, isolated from the story, or just... IDK, it’s hard to explain. But that aside, I do have an OTP!

Gang Doo and Moon Soo from Just Between Lovers. Will never not love them. My sweet, sweet traumatized babies that grew so much, together and individually. They nailed that sweet, sweet spot of ‘sort of enemies to friends to lovers’, starting from the kind of wrong foot and then discovering each other - and themselves - layer by layer. Brb I am getting emotional and need to clutch my chest for 5 minutes.

Some other couples I enjoyed.

Both couples in Goblin. While my feelings about some aspects of it all have gotten a lot more ambivalent over the years, I do have to be honest to the part of myself that loves them still rather unconditionally. There was something tragic and beautiful and trying to do right by each other, in the end, that really stuck with me.

Both couples of Run On. Seun Gyeom and Mi Joo make me feel all warm and happy and honestly, I don’t know if I want to date either of them or be either of them, so that’s that.

Although I am prepared to be let down by resolution of Dan Ah’s sexuality storyline resolution, I am still absolutely invested in everything that she and Yeong Hwa got going on. The tension, the redefining of dynamics and power balance, the way he makes her smile and she sees to the heart of his paintings, the way he just wants to get pegged so bad but won’t let her walk all over him as a person and an artist... Sexy.

Dan Oh and Haru from Extraordinary You. It’s not any sort of life-consuming love for them as a romantic couple, but it’s hard to not to root for them as they face so much together and come through kinder, stronger and more in love. I only want what’s best for them and, really, who wouldn’t?

Bok Joo and Joon Hyung from Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo. Although I don’t think Joon Hyung is precious bean that can’t do any wrong (there were moments he was kind of a dick, even if it worked in comedic way), their relationship overall developed sweetly and endearingly and I definitely genuinely rooted for them and found them adorable. Also, it was my first kdrama, so they get shoutout for that. If they didn’t sell me on kdramas and kdrama romance, I wouldn’t be here in the first place.

+ Bonus

Not a kdrama, but Kurodachi from Cherry Magic is definitely got me more emotionally invested than most kdrama couples than I’ve seen. They had their messups, but overall, they were earnest and sweet, and so absolutely adorable and there wasn’t one moment where I would feel like I couldn’t absolutely root for them as individuals and as a couple.

++ Bonus 2: electric boogaloo Se Ra and Gong Myung from Into the Ring could very well end up here when I have watched more than 3 eps and skipped ahead a bit, because one single post credit scene made me feel more mushy feelings about their budding romance than many epic couples or famous dramas. Also, I adore their ‘I hate your guts’ to ‘I can respect that’ to ‘I would literally do the impossible for you’ journey for I am a simple bitch.

13: Top five K-Dramas?

*groans* It’s such a hard question. I hate ranking things. So I will only rank my favorite and the rest will be a random ass mess and I don’t know if I will stop at 5. This is my blog, I alter the rules as I please. *distressed noises*

1. Just Between Lovers. I’ve not been shy about loving this drama. I could ramble and ramble about it, but to preserve everyone involved, I will just say it’s, to me, the perfect ensemble story of gradual healing and overcoming trauma as found family. It hits like a freight train, but somehow you are put back together better than before. It’s sweet, it’s tragic, it’s funny in places and it’s comforting in this one big package. It’s embedded itself in part of my heart, a promise and understanding all at once. ‘Maybe it’s not the time, yet, but you will heal. I believe in you.’ And it makes me want to believe it, too.

It’s Okay, That’s Love. I don’t know how this would hold up, if I watched it now, and I am not saying it was perfect every step along the way, but in the end, it made me cry and it made me hopeful all at once, it comforted me in times when I really needed those exact words spoken to me and there was something so lovely about this found family.

Run On is tentatively on the list, because they might still absolutely tank it in the last 6 episodes, but I really want to believe they won’t, despite my previously mentioned lack of faith in quality wrap-up of a storyline. But even so, what it has already given to me, won’t lose its meaning if that happens. (Hah, do you get that convoluted reference?) And what it has given me is comforting, soft, character-driven story with cast full with compelling characters, many different friendships and a world that feels alive with many tiny details, yet not bloated. It’s story of healing and communication, a glimpse into profession I used to dream about, it makes me want to think about who I want to be as a person and believe just a little I could become them.

Goblin. Again, more ambivalent about it these days, but I can’t deny the power it had on me back when I watched it, from cinematography to use of OSTs which still remain some of my all time favorites, to the relationships between the four leads and the found family of it all. (Are we sensing a pattern here?)

To. Jenny It revealed the meaning of comfort show to me. It’s short and sweet and, in some ways, absolute musical nonsense. It injects seratonin directly into my brain and I have rewatched it like 4 or 5 times which is genuinely a record for me.

+ Bonus Cherry Magic. Sort of same as with To. Jenny, this is probably be going to be my comfort show if I ever get over the cringe of my failed fanfic attempt that haunts me three weeks later like some kind of disfigured ghoul. The show itself just makes me feel things which isn’t that easy to do.

Send me a kdrama ask?<3

[barisifictionarchive]

MASTER LIST - suggested by the writers

The very talented creators were asked to name the favorite fics they’ve written themselves, so here’s the compiled list with our writers’ suggestions of their best works:

before the alarm. by vadaviita

(392 | General | Complete)

Sometimes, no matter how exhausted you are, you just so happen to wake up hours before you really need to; sometimes, for a moment, you're glad.

Turn the Lights Off, I'm in Love by egirldallon

(545 | Teen | Complete)

It's just Rafael and Sonny dancing. That's it.

Here, In Your Arms by Bicarisi

(626 | General | Complete)

Sonny Carisi has never felt this happy in his life.

Penis Fish, A Tale of Lost Love by rellkelltn87

(726 | Teen | Complete)

Barba is trapped on a beach with thousands of urechis unicinctus, the species of spoon worm colloquially known as the “penis fish." (Trust me, kids, you don't want to Google that.) This is basically a Twitter gag that went too far. Also, it's formatted as a TV script.

Probably don't read this if you're squeamish about weird-looking aquatic life forms.

I will escort myself out of the fandom now.

Discouraged by BarbaLovesCarisi (CaptainAmericasShield)

(1142 | Teen | Complete)

Carisi goes home to Barba after being blindsided in Arraignments. Again. He’s feeling discouraged and starts to question if he really is suited for being an ADA. Rafael comforts him and convinces him he’s wrong and things would get better.

all of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting by wayward13

(1392 | Teen | Complete)

"You grew a beard."

Rafael laughed and looked back and forth between the two of them.

"What is with you two? Does it look bad?" he asks with a smile bringing his hand up to rub his cheek briefly.

"No! You- uh you look really good, Barba," Sonny stammered, "I mean- happy. You look really happy."

"I am."

Good Thing Go by minnesotamemelord

(1501 | General | Complete)

Rafael Barba says his goodbyes.

finally safe to fall by adabarbacarisi

(1600 | Mature | Complete)

Rafael loved fiercely and deeply, when he fell for someone he was as passionate and intense with that love as he was in his work. It seemed it was in his nature to be a little too much, a little too bold, for a lot of people. He had accepted that perhaps that world-changing, earth-shattering, heart-soaring kind of mutual love wasn’t in the cards for him.

That is, until Sonny Carisi entered his life and changed everything.

Family by Ava_now

(1656 | General | Complete)

Happy Valentine's Day! Here, I got you a baby!

Harbor in the Storm by BarbaLovesCarisi (CaptainAmericasShield)

(1959 | Teen | Complete)

After the end of Sunk Cost Fallacy, Sonny Carisi needs help. Rafael Barba is the only one who can help him.

Only say my name, it will be held against you by Bicarisi

(2053 | Mature | Complete)

Sonny and Rafael had been friends with benefits for over a year. But what happens when it becomes something more?

Begin Again by glammetalkitten

(2389 | General | Complete)

The morning Sonny wakes up as an ADA and not an NYPD detective, he’s, you know, a little nervous. New job, life-changing kind of nervous.

Forgiven by BarbaLovesCarisi (CaptainAmericasShield)

(2476 | Teen | Complete)

When Rafael Barba shows up out of the blue after almost three years, Sonny doesn't know what to think. He wants to be upset, but Rafael makes it almost impossible. Rafael disappeared off the face of the earth and Sonny can't let himself forgive him that easy. With as sincere as Rafael seems, Sonny can't help but think maybe he was deserving of his forgiveness.

Where's the Love Without Remorse by girldallon

(2809 | Teen | Complete)

Some secrets are purposely kept, for a reason, good reasons.

You Raise Me Up by BarbaLovesCarisi (CaptainAmericasShield)

(3041 | Teen | Complete)

The Undiscovered Country never happened. Jack McCoy hired Sonny as an ADA then promptly retired, leaving room for Rafael Barba to become the new DA. He takes care of Sonny and supports him, even when no one else does.

White in Your Hair by FreckledSkittles

(3299 | Teen | Complete)

It's been too long since Sonny has seen Rafael. Things have changed, but it feels great.

Call by Coop_Scoop

(4119 | Explicit | Complete)

Rafael finally decides that living in Florida really isn't for him, he hasn't worked since he got there. But he needs to make a few calls to try and get back to where he wants to be and maybe get the person who has haunted his mind since he left.

he doesn't look a thing like jesus by hanzios

(5029 | Teen | Complete)

The first time he summoned the archangel, Sonny was on his couch, reading a Wikipedia page about translated Hebrew transcripts from the Old Testament.

He Who Can Endure It by abogadobarba (daltonfightclub)

(5478 | Teen | Complete)

They were always so close to the precipice of something more, but ever the pragmatists, were also privy to the many ways in which a whisper of impropriety could destroy a career such as theirs, cut down a man by half and leave him aching besides—and that’s before accounting for the scandal of it all.

But before all else, Sonny was a man of His word. So, he learned to endure it.

OR: The one in which Carisi is the new ADA and in a little bit over his head (with both the law AND Barba).

High School Barisi by icedcoffeebro

(8693 | General | WIP)

Sonny is part of the tech team in theatre, and Rafa is the understudy for the main role. They bump into each other more than once.

Taken from my brain during Stop-Motion class.

TW for mentions of parental abuse.

Do You Mind? by Larkin21

(11288 | Teen | Complete)

Pre-Barisi, set in early season 17. Barba's feelings toward Carisi grow beyond a grudging respect for a coworker, as told in missing moments from episodes 2-5.

This is the first part to a multi-part prequel for my story, Mind If I Drop Over? This part is Barba's POV and it's rated teen, mostly for language. All other parts of the series are (or will likely be) rated explicit.

Carisi's Goddamn Legs by juniperhoot

(11502 | Explicit | Complete)

Rafael Barba is obsessed with Sonny Carisi's legs. And the rest of him, come to think of it.

But damn, those legs.

Moments in Time by tobeconspicuous

(11640 | Teen | Complete)

When Catalina was a child she knew that there was something special about her. Her mother said magic flowed through their veins and that some people would never understand.

Catalina was unsure what her mother meant by that until one day when she was ten years old, she found a young boy in her backyard.

The truth within words by Subaruchan192

(11944 | Teen | Complete)

'Dear Rafael, You're gone. It's strange. It’s been a week since you left and yet I can still feel you here. I can feel your eyes on me, but when I turn no one is there. I hear your voice in the hall, but when I go around the corner it's someone else. You are gone, and it is strange, and it makes me sad every time.'

One week after Rafael Barba left without a word, Sonny can't stand all those words left unspoken anymore and decides to write a letter to express them. Along the journey, he discovers that he has been in love with Rafael for a long time only to realize that he is too late.

Or is he? Let's find out.

A Nice Young Man by Perpetual Motion (perpetfic)

(12767 | General | Complete)

After the events of episode 16.16 (Barba's grandmother passes) and 16.7 (Sonny's brother-in-law is assaulted by his female parole officer), Carisi reaches out to Barba because that's just his way. Barba is a bit confused about what to do about it all.

We're All Just Passing Through by nukablastr

(13790 | Teen | Complete)

After a series of disasters cause Rafael to miss the last train back to Boston, a chance encounter with a stranger may redefine what it means to go home.

Little One You Have To Take Better Care by MollyKillers

(19270 | General | Complete)

Everyone is born with a dragon inside them as a part of their soul.

Rafael believes because of the coldness in him his dragon is dead. However, when he meets Dominick (call me Sonny) Carisi something in him stirs.

Credo by snakeling

(19833 | Mature | Complete)

If a one night stand is the only way Sonny can have Rafael, he'll take it. But he wants so much more.

Catching Feelings by soul_writerr

(21034 | General | Complete)

Sonny and Rafael are such close friends that everyone around them thinks they're dating. They think that's hilarious, until Sonny starts dating someone else and Rafael realizes he made a huge mistake.

But now it's too late to fix it, so he tries to move on.

A Healing Year by adrianna_m_scovill

(24706 | Mature | Complete)

Rafael Barba learned how to protect his heart from the world, and he gave up on the hope of ever falling in love - until Sonny Carisi made him want all the things he'd accepted he would never have.

The Second Assistant by soul_writerr

(35357 | Teen | Complete)

Sonny is an idealistic, driven journalist who can't find a job. When he starts as Runway's Editor in Chief Rafael Barba's assistant, his life turns into a nightmare. Until it doesn't. And he gets better clothes out of it.

Devil Wears Prada AU.

[factoffictionwriter]

Tiva Fic Amnesty #11

Here’s the start to a reunion fic - pre 2019 madness. I wrote this several years ago, so Cairo wasn’t a thing. This was all I got around to writing before it was forever banished to my ‘unwritten’ folder.

Ziva leaned against the doorframe, a warm mug of coffee in one hand and a sippy cup filled with tea in the other (cooled to room temperature and decaffinted, of course). She watched them sleep for a minute, Tali curled protectively around her stuffed dog and Tony curled protectively around her. 

Kelev had been a last minute addition to the go-bag. The dog had been a gift from none other than Schmiel Pinkus on the little girl’s first birthday. He had been struggling with several health issues at the time, but that hadn’t stopped him from visiting his girls to celebrate one full year of a new life. The old man passed away just a few weeks later, and Tali had been really affected (as affected at a one-year old can be). The little dog, the last gift given by a man who fawned over both of the David girls from the moment they were born had become a true staple around their home. An absolute necessity, to be honest. And Ziva had become so accustomed to the little toy being glued to her daughter’s side that she found it very hard to part with it. It was bad enough she had to separate from her daughter, did she really have to lose the stuffed dog as well? Couldn’t she just keep it with her and let it’s presence act as a stand in for the curly haired girl? Would that be so terrible? 

But in the end, the dog had made the trip to America because, frankly, Tali would not be able to sleep without him. And his comfort would be even more important as the girl started to realize that her mother was gone. 

She had used similar logic when deciding to stuff the old photo in the bag as well. The photo had sat on Tali’s changing table since the day she was born. The girl knew the photo like the back of her hand. Seeing it would bring her peace and joy. And if it sparked some sort of memory for Tony as well, then it was two birds with one frame, was it not? 

Tony stirred slightly, perhaps drawn back to consciousness by the enticing scent emanating from the mug.

He tightened his arms around his daughter for a moment before opening one eye. He looked around the room until he noticed Ziva standing there. He squinted up at her. 

“That coffee?” he asked, his voice gravely from sleep. 

She nodded. 

“For me?” 

She smiled as she pushed off the frame and made her way around to his side of the king bed he currently shared with a 2 year old. She set the mug on the side table before moving around to the other side, slowly shaking her daughter’s shoulder and offering her the sippy cup. 

Tony sat up reluctantly, watching the way Ziva’s small, fragile hands caressed their daughter’s hair and listening to the soft lull of her voice as she mumbled something in Hebrew that caused the toddler to perk up and reach for the tea. 

As Tali sipped happily, Ziva looked back over at him, “It is only noon. You will likely need the caffeine if you are to make it through the rest of the day.” 

He nodded and reached for the mug, choosing to believe that the warm was from her hand holding it before and not just from the warm liquid, “Jet lags a bitch.” 

She shot him a look before brushing curls out of Tali’s face. No cursing around the child. He would have to get used to that. 

Tali yawned and moved to be closer to her mother, snuggling up on the woman’s lap, her dog all but forgotten on the bed beside her. 

“Someone is still tired,” Ziva cooed as she watched her daughter, “If only there was something less addictive to help keep her awake.” 

“Sugar?” He asked as he sipped from his mug. 

Ziva shot him another look. 

He held up a hand in surrender, “Sorry. I’ve only been doing this parent thing for about a week.” 

She winced just a bit at the accusation in his voice. He silently scolded himself. Now was not the time to be angry with her. Now was the time to make amends. To get his family back. 

“Are you hungry? I was thinking about running down to that cafe across the street and getting some sandwiches or something. I can bring it back here if you want.” She barely glanced at him as she adjusted the toddler on her lap, who was once again fast asleep. 

Tony looked at her for a minute. Her hair was down with only the front pinned out of her face. She was wearing a thin, flowy white shirt that buttoned in the front with a black tank top underneath. She had on jeans with frays and rips around the knees. She looked younger somehow. Like she spent the past 3 years figuring out how to turn back the clock and reclaim her youth. In a way, he supposed she had. No better way to turn back time and redefine your life than to raise a kid. 

Then he looked down at Tali. Her sandy curls wild from sleep. Her fuzzy purple pajamas sitting sideways on her body from all the twisting and turning she did in her sleep (definitely Ziva’s kid). She looked peaceful. More peaceful than he had ever seen her. He felt like he was getting just a glimpse into what their lives had been like before he became involved. The two girls, smiling and laughing with each other, spending all day playing together and all night sleeping beside each other. 

That was the first thing Tony noticed when he visited the burnt remains of her little Israeli farmhouse: the charred pieces from the supposed nursery did not contain evidence of a bed. 

“Tali started sleeping with Ziva when she outgrew her crib. They both seemed happier with that arrangement, so they never got around to buying another bed,” Orli explained as she carefully walked through the debris. 

He stared at the metal frame in what was left of what he assumed had been Ziva’s room, trying to picture her curled up beside a sleeping Tali. 

“They were pretty close, huh?” 

Orli stopped walking and turned to look at him, “Ziva was everything to that little girl. And Tali was the same for her mother. They were best friends. Completely inseparable.” 

Tony nodded as he bent down to pick up an odd object that kept catching the light. He held it up. A picture frame. Not wood, but some sort of weird wire design. The glass was broken, and the picture inside was blackened with soot, but he swore he could make out the figure of a woman holding up a little girl in what looked like a princess dress. 

“She told me that Tali was her savior. After you left years ago, Ziva was… well, she wasn’t happy. She hardly spoke to anyone and was truly struggling to find her place here. But when she found out she was pregnant, I think it gave her something to live for. She immediately started making plans and buying supplies. She was determined to be a good mother. She was determined to give that little girl everything.” 

“Everything but her father,” he mumbled as he carefully slid the photo out from under the glass and stuffed it in his pocket. If this trip didn’t end the way he planned, he would ask Abby to try and fix the photo. There was a chance it was the only one of mother and daughter that would ever exist. 

Orli moved closer to him, being careful not to overstep her bounds. She knew Tony didn’t like her, but she also knew that it was her job to make him understand. 

“She regretted that, Tony. More than she would even admit out loud. I saw it in her eyes as Tali watched TV or played with her toys. When she looked at that girl, she saw you. And that was both her greatest gift and her most torturous possession. She wanted to tell you, but she knew you would be mad that she had waited so long.” 

“Well, she wasn’t wrong.” 

“Yes, I know. And she thought about it constantly. If she hadn’t been in such a dark place when she first found out she was pregnant, maybe she would have been willing to tell you then. But the fact was that she waited, and she wasn’t sure how to fix that. But she loves you, Tony.” 

It had taken him several hours to process her intentional choice of words. Loves. Not Loved. Just like he had told Gibbs that Ziva loves Paris. Maybe he and Orli would get along better than he thought. 

So the next day he booked two tickets flying into Charles de Gaulle and was on the way to a tiny hotel he remembered from their visit when he stopped by the infamous cafe where the two of them had eaten before catching their flight back to the states all those years ago. He and Tali sat on the sidewalk, splitting an order of Pain Aux Raisins and talking about their next steps (or more like him talking and her mumbling along as she pretended to understand his questions about strategy and coverage). 

“So, what do you think? Should we get some sleep and wake up in the morning ready to search? How about we split up? You head toward the Eiffel Tower, I’ll head toward the Arche and we meet at the Louvre?” 

Tali nodded excitedly as she reached for another pastry, and he laughed quietly to himself. He let himself wish, just for a second, that he had brought senior along with him. It would be nice to leave Tali with him and know that she was safe and taken care of so he could focus on the search. But, oh well. This was something the father-daughter duo would do alone. An important bonding experience. 

And a bonding experience it was. The two made funny faces and laughed together through the whole walk to the hotel. And maybe it was the laughter, or maybe it was the busy parisian streets, but either way he had been completely unaware of the slim figure following behind them at several paces. Unaware until he turned toward the large glass doors of the building and saw a familiar reflection behind him. 

“Ima?” Tali asked as she leaned forward in her seat and tried to see around the side of her stroller, unsure of whether or not she was seeing correctly. 

Ziva stepped around him without a word and offered the little girl what appeared to be a plushie of the Eiffel Tower before bending down to kiss her head, “Shalom, Motek.” 

Tali smiled and looked down at her new toy as Ziva stood up and turned toward him. 

“Hi,” she said simply. 

“Hey,” he replied dumbly. 

She nodded slightly, as if showing that she accepted his greeting before stepping around him again and motioning for a taxi. 

The three of them were silent as they were driven to her little two bedroom apartment farther up town, and she barely had to glance at the two to know that they were both exhausted from their flight and still very much functioning in a different time zone than their current one. She ushered them into the back bedroom and insisted they sleep it off. He noticed that the sheets smelled like her as he slid underneath them and pulled his daughter closer to his chest, and he’s pretty sure it was that comfort that had both of them slipping into a ridiculously sound sleep. 

And now, some 12 hours later, the three of them are all sitting in a bed together discussing lunch plans. It was all so domestic.

He watched Tali reach up and grab a fist full of her shirt, sensing that her mother was talking about leaving again, if only for a few minutes. He felt about the same way. 

“Nah. We can all go down together later.” 

She looked up at him confused, “You are not hungry?” 

He shrugged, “I am. But I’d rather we all go together.” 

Her eyes narrowed at him, but only for a moment. Then they turned shy - apologetic even. She couldn’t fault him for being cautious. She’d developed a reputation for running lately.

[k-banning-kellum]

Hello k. Banning Kellum 😁, I'm a big fan of yours. I like to ask some questions (since technically you're the new owner of Jeff the killer story, not the old one but the new one) these questions are like headcanons but you're the Creator so it can be considered to be canon I guess. 1# what's Jeff's sexuality (just curious) 2# what's the age of Jeff in jeff the Killer: Scars of Corruption since it begins in 2019 3# what's Jeff's usual personality when he hasn't flooding in the (you know I mean)

Hey thanks for the questions Isabella, I’ll do my best to try and answer them. On Jeff’s sexuality, I never really put much thought into that. Jeff only appears in 2015, and since the contest rules required keeping to the formula of the original within a word limit I didn’t have too much time really flesh out deep personality/sexuality traits or development. What I get from his personality when I was writing him though is that Jeff is into girls for the most part, but he’d probably explore pansexuality by his college years. On Jeff’s age, he was 15 in 2015, and just to keep things simple, I’ll say his birthday likely falls either in December or January, so his age is always aligned with the year. So in 2019 he’d be 19 years old. (I modeled that after myself, since I was born in December of 1979, my age was pretty much always the year growing up. On Jeff’s personality. This question is tough to answer for the same reason the first question didn’t have a solid answer. I only got to work with Jeff during the opening segments of JtK 2015. Once he snapped and became “the killer” his personality was impacted and damaged. So even should he reappear later in the series, what he is currently isn’t what he’d have become had the incident with Randy never happened. However, Jeff’s personality was based somewhat around the idea of blind/obtuse optimism. He knew, on an intellectual level at least, that he wasn’t going to get the normal family “love and togetherness” trope. He knew his parents were set in their ways, and much of his time was spent trying to pretend that it was all normal. This caused him to hide behind a lot of persona in public, however, he did confide in Liu, who felt much the same, although Liu was more optimistic that any day his folks would just start doing the “happy family, going on picnics and hayrides in the fall and whatever bullshit.” This gave Liu a stronger and more resilient mindset towards challenges because he didn’t fight to redefine reality, but sort of just rolled with it. A lot of that was based on my own feelings as a child growing up an only child with a single mother. When other kids would ask where my dad was, I would always make up some shit about how he was living out-of-state. I didn’t mind telling my friends that my parents were divorced, but I didn’t know how to explain that my dad bailed on me when I was four years old, and I’d never seen him since. So I just started making up shit. That’s sort of how Jeff felt I think. Anyway, hope these answers were useful. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. As always, feel free to ask me anything anytime!

[todaydreambelievers]

The Newdie Awards!!

So, now that TDB is winding down - and in honor of the final podcast, I decided to hand out a few awards for all the people who’ve helped me along the way.  It’s a lot like The Office’s Dundie Awards! (only nicer).  

First of all, though, I want to shout a huge thank you to all the people who’ve donated so far to the TDB Pool - to keep the podcast hosted for years to come, so new people can listen, even if we’re not producing new content.  I’m amazed at how much we’ve raised so far.  Thank you so, so much for all your contributions! 

Secondly, a shout out to @seeroftodayandtomorrow - who diligently watched the show every week with me for the last two years.  That’s quite the feat and shouldn’t be discounted.  You guys try doing anything for two years straight! <3 

Thirdly, not sure how many of you realize this but @nikkisrandomthingsfan has been modding @todaydreambelieversfic for years now, and does an amazing job of it.  I can’t thank her enough for taking that over for me - and agreeing to continue to watch over the fic blog even after the main TDB blog ends.  In addition - to all the writers, including those who did the Author Spotlights with us back in the day, and to all the artists and creators out there - I hope you keep on doing your thing.  We’re blessed to have such creative talent in the fandom.  Thank you, thank you <3 

The Newdies!! 

The Matt Rutherford: Not Here but Not Forgotten Award goes to... 

All of my lovely guests who weren’t here in the finale.  I’ve had the pleasure of discussing the show with so many wonderful people - and I’m grateful to all the people who took the time to be on the podcast an share your thoughts.  Thank you for being such wonderful guests <3 

The Blaine Anderson: Biggest Stan Award goes to... 

@thedorkmark   There are plenty of Blaine stans around, but I haven’t met any that have surpassed Izzie’s passion and willingness to die on any hill.  And like Blaine, Izzie’s a sweetheart and a kind soul.  Thank you for bringing such joy and fire to the podcast <3 <3

The Mike Chang: All Around Awesome Award goes to...

@somewhereonlyino​  Like Mike, Lauren’s sometimes quiet, but always brings a fun and warm attitude to the podcast.  Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and being such a team player.  <3 <3  The Tina Cohen-Chang: Don’t Cut Me Off Award goes to...

@carojane​ - I’ve never met a person who stans Tina harder than Carly, someone who shares Tina’s strong will and ability to push through the hard parts with sheer determination.  You’re sweet and sensitive and kind but also won’t back down from a fight.  Thank you so much for everything you’ve shared over the years <3 <3

The Sugar Motta: Sweet’n’Spicy Award goes to... 

@coming-up-rosie​ - Every time Rosie pops on to the podcast, she’s sweet’n’spicy and always knows how to liven up the conversation.  While not around a lot on the podcast, like Sugar, whenever you were on you brought joy and enthusiasm - especially lovely since I kept placing you on such random podcasts.  Thank you so much for your ability to go with the flow and have fun while doing it <3 <3 

The Sam Evans: Always Lending a Helping Hand Award goes to... 

@klaineship2​ Over the years, Carmen has been such a hard worker! She’s done the entire rewatch with me, continues diligently to keep track of fics, and has even translated my and other’s fic into another language for more people to read!! Like Sam, you’re kind and dependable, and great friend who’s always there to jump in and help out.  Thank you so much for everything you’ve done over the years <3 <3 

The Adam Crawford: Cutie Across the Pond Award goes to... 

@perfectanomaly  The thing about Anny is that she’s always coming at me with an unexpected, but welcome, new point of view, and challenging me on how I see the characters.  Like Adam, she’s sweet and friendly (and also European!) and reminds me that these character’s don’t always have to live in the boxes we sometimes place them in.  Thank you so much for keeping me on my toes all these years, and giving me new perspectives to think about <3 <3 

The Santana Lopez: Tell It Like It Is Award goes to...

@honeysucklepink​ - Pink, you’ve been such a firecracker over the years!  Your deep love of music and glee and Darren Criss has driven your passion, and like Santana you’re never afraid to shy away from your opinions, even if they’re different from everyone else’s.  But also like Santana - you care deeply about the things and people are important to you.  Thank you for always bringing your massive knowledge of music and crackling stories to the podcast <3 <3 

The Sue Sylvester: Kicking Down the Fourth Wall Award goes to...

@slayediest​ - No one on the podcast has had an insider view of production quite like Slayediest, so it’s always fascinating to hear your stories about how things probably happened on the show.  But also, like Sue, you don’t really give a shit about all the nonsense going on around you, and think that most of the drama is ridiculous and silly (and it is!) and I really appreciate it about you.  You have a great sense of humor, and are always reminding me to sit back and enjoy the craziness in the world.  Thank you for letting me drag you on all these years, I’ve always valued your input so much <3 <3 

The Marley Rose: Most Precious of Precious Muffins Award goes to...

@sleepdeprivedmind - Connie, hands down, is one of the kindest, most positive, purest people I know.  I’ve never heard her say a bad word about anything, and even tries to bring a positive on some of the most negative subjects (like Will!!, lol)  Like Marley, you have such a big heart and warm soul and radiate joy whenever you come on the podcast. I’m incredibly thankful to call you my friend, thank you so much for all the great conversations we’ve had <3 <3 

The Mercedes Jones: Oh Hell to the No Award goes to...

@black-john-lennon​ - Kay was the first guest I recorded with on the show, and I’m so grateful for that first conversation, because it helped me gain the confidence that this project was something I could accomplish long term!  Kay’s never been one to back down from a fight - but doing so from a place of passion and getting to the heart of the matter.  Like Mercedes, you do have a sassy, won’t-back-down attitude, but I think you also share her vulnerability and big heart, and I don’t think that’s appreciated enough.   Thank you so much for so many fantastic conversations, and becoming someone I can call a good friend <3 <3 

The Emma Pillsbury: The Gingers Always Know Best Award goes to...

@redheadgleek​ - Oh, Julia, so calm and wise in her ways, she’ll always be there to lend a listening ear or be of service in whatever way she can be!  Like Emma - I think you’re smart and on the nose about a lot of things, but also incredibly kind and caring. And, many people may or may not know, the backbone of keeping a lot of fandom things afloat.  (She has every Klaine fic ever stored on a drive somewhere in case the apocalypse happens guys, lol <3)  Thank you for always being so sweet, and listening to me ramble on with an open mind and an open heart <3 <3 

The Kurt Hummel: There Are More Than Four Sides to Me Award goes to...

@kurtmckinnon​ - Kelley helped me redefine what a Kurt Stan could be.  Believe it or not, being a Kurt fan myself, I always shied away from the term - but Kelley’s love and passion for the character, and the show, helped me be secure in my identification of being a Kurt Stan (lol).  But more so, like Kurt, there are far more sides to you and you’ve always come to the podcast with a new perspective and a way of thinking that I might not have been privvy to.  I appreciate so much that you kept challenging how I saw the world.  Thank you so much for being such a huge, positive champion of Kurt, and always pushing me to think outside of the box <3 <3 

The Finn Hudson: The Show’s Gonna Go All Over The Place Aware goes to...

@notthatbea - My dearest Bethany, my goodness where do I even start.  Always there when I needed her, Bethany’s never been afraid to back away no matter what kinda crazy scheme I’ve got going on.  Like Finn, she’s sometimes bumbling along with me (in a good way!) but has a huge heart and always willing to go with it now how matter how crazy and out of control things get.  Thank you so, so much for becoming my good friend, for letting me take you on some of these insane adventures, and solidifying yourself in my heart - so much love <3 <3 

The Brittany Pierce: Special Unicorn Award goes to... 

@slayerkitty​ - No one has a laugh quite like Kitty’s, and it’s a delight to hear it, even when it’s for the most randomest of things.  Like Brittany, she’s a little bit sweet, a little awkward, a little odd, and a whole lot wonderful unicorn - all of it wrapped up in such a delightful way.  I’m sorry I cancelled your contract so many times - know that I couldn’t really imagine doing the podcast without you there.  Thank you so much for your fountain of knowledge, your great sense of humor, and your deep love of all fandom things - you’re unique and wonderful in your own special way, and I appreciate that about you <3 <3 

The Cooper J Anderson Emotional Tornado Award goes to...

@ckerouac​ - I mean is anyone really surprised by this??  RB is the ultimate emotion tornado, swooping in and creating a great time like like none other.  Like Cooper - your enthusiasm never wavers, your energy is inspiring, your sense of fun is endless, and you’re always pointing me (ha) in the right direction, and I’m guessing you probably have really great hair. 

Thank you for the phrase - ‘I wanna lick him nipple to navel’ and your vast knowledge of liquors, and the bangity-bang song, and the 2 out of 3 podcasters joke.  Thank you for jumping in on a podcast as a pinch-hitter even when you didn’t even know what the topic was.  Thank you for all the laughs and the sometimes tears and the driving me crazy but not really.  Thank you for becoming one of my greatest friends - I value your friendship deeply. Just - thank you <3 <3 

And one final thought - Iron Man’s better.  He just is, RB, I mean really ;) 

The Elliott Gilbert: Glitter Rock Vampire Award goes to... 

@snarkyhag​​ - I’m not really sure I have words to express how I feel about the one and only Le Diva Hag.  You are the Glitter Rock Vampire of my world - always there, always helping, always being a life coach and a wonderful friend.  I can’t tell you all the things she’s done for me over the years - because if I did it’d take up another post entirely.  But know that sometimes you come to a fandom just wanting to hang out and enjoy the silly world that is your favorite story, and you walk away finding someone whose become one of your closet friends.  I have nothing but gratefulness for everything she’s brought into my life.  

I love you, Snarky, you are the Elliott to my Kurt, and I promise I’m never saying good-bye to you <3 <3 

and finally...

The Rachel Berry: Greatest Star Award goes to...

YOU!!! 

To all my listeners, and all the people who’ve contributed to TDB over the years, taking polls, giving prompts, writing stories, doing art, joining in on the conversation, or just hitting like or reblog.  This blog has been made special because you were a part of it.  To my real Daydream Believers - thank you for bring such joy to my life and others.  You all are the greatest stars <3  

Congratulations!!! 

[ourloveisforthelovely]

The Words "Best Friends" Become Redefined. Part 3

Regulus Black AU

Summary: You had been Regulus’ friend since childhood and now his mistress. The war had changed many things, Regulus among them. Now its time to decide if you should put your self-worth over missing someone who was gone.  

Pairings: Regulus Black x Reader

Rating: M- smut

Link to Part 2

Songs in chapter: "Baby you wouldn't last a minute on the creek" by Chiodos and "Burn" by Alkaline Trio

_____

Let's just stop, drop everything, (forget each other's names) forget each other's names, And just walk away. Turn around and head in different directions, Like we never, it's like we never knew each other at all. We said what we feel, then we stop ourselves and just walk away. Never looking back loving every second of it, we just walk away. This is probably the best not to mention the worst idea that I have ever had. Ignoring what we've felt, Overlooking what we've done, No awkward silences, no hiding any truths. Ignoring what we've felt, Overlooking what we've done, What do you say?

You didn’t stop running until you made it back home. Something told you that if you stopped and looked back a death eater would pop out of nowhere and finish you off. Regulus’ urgent tone had put the fear of god into you.

Normally, you wouldn’t hesitate to go up against a death eater. Augustus Rockwood wore a scar from the last time that he was brave enough to go up against you. Today, however, something was different and it was a lot more sinister than normal…and Regulus knew it.

Was he protecting me from something?

Does he know something and old feelings have bubbled to the surface?

What is happening here?

The thoughts swarmed through your mind as you unlocked the door. Taking a few deep breaths you thought of everything. Regulus never had to protect you. He could have finished you off. Regulus could have killed you and never had to think of you ever again. He would be able to fully dedicate himself to the dark lord without ever acknowledging that he had once loved a half-blood girl. Regulus could marry some lovely pureblood princess that would make his family proud…

But he didn’t kill me…that has to say something…Right? The kiss…he kissed me…just like he used to….

As much as you wanted to stop and think about the kiss you knew it wasn’t the time. Later, when you were in the privacy of your room you could think about how the feelings were still so obviously there. You could think about how tender Regulus’ kiss was. It wasn’t the rough demanding dominant kiss he had started giving since becoming a death eater. This kiss was like the old days. It was like kissing the man you had fallen in love with.

You had barely gotten in the door when a pair of arms pulled you into a bone-crushing hug.

“Y/n, we have been worried to death!”

You sighed with relief hearing Remus’ voice. Hugging your brother back, you stepped back to look at him. Thankfully there was nothing out of place. Remus looked just as he had before the three of you had to make a quick getaway.

“Sorry, Remus. I took a bit of a detour that ended up being a lot longer than I planned. Are you okay? Sirius?”

Remus gently gripped your shoulders. He was bloody thrilled to see you. It had been nearly an hour since the death eater attack. Remus had been pacing the floor since he arrived home to see only Sirius waiting. The protective older brother in Remus was going into overdrive. Had Sirius not told him to sit down and breathe, Remus would have been out looking for you.

“He’s fine. I’m fine. You’re fine…that’s what matters. You’re fine, right?”

Remus asked, carefully. He knew that look on your face. You had seen Regulus.

And she thinks that I don’t know.

Remus thought sadly. He knew that you were under the assumption that Remus was clueless about your relationship with Regulus…but he wasn’t. Remus had put things together rather quickly, in fact. It didn’t take Remus looking at the Marauder’s Map and seeing the dots labeled “Regulus Black” and “Y/n Lupin” in a closet to know something was up. There was no reason for the two of you to be hiding in a closet for so long for Remus to put two and two together. There was also the way that Regulus looked at you. Regulus always had his eyes on you and soon enough his hands hovered on your lower back longer than necessary. Remus had seen it all.

Remus had wanted to call you on it but he decided not to. There was a reason that you didn’t tell him. As much as it annoyed him, Remus decided to let you tell him when you wanted.

You, meanwhile, nodded hoping Remus would believe you. The last thing that you really wanted was to tell Remus about your love affair with Regulus like this. There had to be a better day and today was NOT that day!

“Of course, I’m totally fine. You would think that some of those fucktards that claim to be genius death eaters would have enough sense to wear different shoes. We could easily point half of them out at any given point.”

Remus smirked. That was a true point.

“Our day will come. It may not be as soon as we would like but it will come.”

You could only nod. Nothing was happening as fast as you wanted it to.

“I guess the Rolling Stones were right about us not being able to always get what we want.”

Remus rolled his eyes.

“You are hanging out with Sirius too much.”

You took off your jacket and hung it up.

“Well, I mean he is your boyfriend and I live with the two of you. I’m going to pick up something somewhere. Well, I have had enough excitement for one day. I think that I am going to call it a night.”

Remus only nodded as you turned to walk toward the stairs. You stopped before turning to look at Remus. Neither Remus nor yourself said how grateful the two of you were for each other. You had always kept a watchful eye on Remus from the time that Fenrir Greyback attacked Remus as a child. If you could help it, nothing else would hurt your brother ever again.

“Remus…I don’t want anything to happen to you. Please keep being careful.”

Remus gave you a small smile.

“The same goes for you.”

Walking into your bedroom, your mind returned to Regulus. While the conversation with your former lover was brief…there was something different about it. There was something that you couldn’t put your finger on. Something about Regulus was different. Something seemed…distant if that was even the best word to use.

As you changed into leggings and an oversized jumper, you let yourself become lost in your thoughts…

I wish that we had a little more time.

You thought before lying down on your bed. Staring at the ceiling, your mind was plagued with thoughts of Regulus. The thoughts weren’t all bad. In fact, you let yourself think about the “good times.” You thought about how Regulus used to smile when he was with you. How he always told you that you were his only real friend. You were the one that got him. If you were the only person that he could talk to for the rest of his life then that would be just fine with him.

Everything always felt so right but it ended so wrong.

You sighed at the thought. The ending was enough to shatter even the strongest of people. You knew that Regulus would say the ending was your fault. You, after all, were the one that stopped seeing him. You were the one that stopped taking his letters, meeting him at hidden hotels, and cut him off. Regulus hadn’t done that…it was you.

I had to protect myself…even if it meant everything feels like hell.

You justified your decision the best you could…even if sometimes you wondered if you had done the right thing.

Taking out your wand, you pointed at the muggle stereo that sat in the corner of a table. You needed some music to get yourself out of your head. If you didn’t get yourself out of your head then you would never get some sleep.

Your eyes closed as a song started to play a haunting melody that you couldn't help but drift off into…

As we burn, pretending to fight it. Everyone learns faster on fire. Things took a turn, lost all desire You live and you burn. You live and…Like hell, we are anxiously waiting. Like hell burning silently strong. Somehow we fell down by the wayside. And somehow this hell is home. Right now, this hell is my home

You felt as if you had just closed your eyes when there was a soft knock on the door. Sitting up quickly, you turned to look at your bedside clock which read 2:45 am. Running a hand through your bedridden curls, you swung your legs over the side of the bed to stand up.

“Hang on.”

You said, yawning. Making your way through the darkness, you opened the door. Sirius stood on the other side with a not-so-typical frown on his face.

“What’s wrong?”

You asked. Silently you hoped that nothing was wrong. You prayed that Sirius was needing help making a late-night snack and decided to come to you.

“I need you to come downstairs with me.”

“Sirius, what’s wrong?”

You asked as Sirius reached out for your hand and tugged you with him. Sirius didn’t stop or say anything for a moment.

“It's Regulus. He’s here and he doesn’t look so good.”

Those words alone made you freeze. Did you hear Sirius right? Did you hear him or were you having a nightmare?

“Sirius, what?”

Sirius turned. He looked at your scared expression sympathetically. Sirius was no fool. He knew that this conversation would be hard. The terrified expression on your face confirmed your feelings.

“Kreacher brought him here. He’s beaten to hell. I don’t know what is happening. I know that you are the best damn healer around. Y/n, I need you to save my brother.”

Sirius wanted to say more. He wanted to say that he wanted you to save Regulus for yourself. Sirius wanted to say that he wanted you to save Regulus because he was not damn ready to put his younger brother in the ground. Regulus didn’t need to be dead at 18. He was too young…he hadn’t done enough. 18 was too young to be dead.

You had heard enough from Sirius to rush into the sitting room where Regulus lay passed out on the couch.

“Merlin!”

You managed to get out before rushing over to the love of your life. Kneeling down beside him, you gently put your hand on Regulus’ pulse point, praying to feel something. If Regulus died that night, you knew that you might as die right along with him. There would be no way would want to go through the rest of the chapters of your life without Regulus.

"Even if we were fighting…at least he is alive.”

You thought as you pressed on Regulus’ neck gently. When you felt a soft flutter against your fingers, you were relieved. Regulus was alive! You could deal with the injuries and trauma as long as Regulus was living.

Looking Regulus over, you noted the bruise forming under his left eye in addition to what looked like claw marks down his chest. His shirt was shredded making you wonder if he had been attacked by a knife…or scratched to shreds by some monster.

“Here’s some clean napkins and the potion that you clean Remus up with.”

Sirius said as he put the tools that you would need beside you. Remus had come in a few moments before and was standing silently. He didn’t know what to say. Sirius had woken him up not long after going to get you.

You turned your attention to Kreacher who stood at Regulus’ feet with a cold expression on his squashed face.

“Kreacher, what happened?”

Kreacher gave you a cold frown. He knew who you were and he didn't want to talk to you. It didn't matter to Kreacher that you were the one that Regulus always talked about. You were the human that Regulus loved more than anyone else. Kreacher wanted to keep Regulus safe...especially from you.

“Kreacher doesn't have to talk to a filthy half-blood.”

Sirius growled, from his place beside Remus.

“I order you to answer her.”

Sirius snapped. Kreacher glared at Sirius wanting to call him a blood traitor and swine who broke his poor mother’s heart but decided not to. Whether Kreacher liked it or not, he still had to do what Sirius said.

“Master Regulus asked Kreacher to go with him to find a cursed object. It was an object made by the dark lord himself. Master Regulus had to drink a horrible potion that made him nearly fall apart. He was then attacked by terrible creatures that nearly drowned him. Kreacher got him out…even though Master Regulus ordered him not to. I brought him here because Master Regulus was crying for Y/n.”

Regulus was crying for you!

Your heart broke at Kreacher’s words. You were not only confused but totally heartbroken. Just what was Regulus going after? Was this why he seemed “off” earlier? It would have made sense. Regulus most likely planned on dying. Regulus planned on dying and wanted to give you one last good memory of him.

Swallowing your tears (as best you could), you turned back to Kreacher.

“He’s not going to die today. I won’t let him.”

_____

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[myelocin]

To Us, A Love Story Unwritten | Kuroo T., Miya A.

Hello!! Before you begin reading, THIS STORY IS A PART TWO to Redefining You , which I highly recommend you read first because a lot of things are connected! :D

Part 1 | Part 2 | Epilogue | Bonus

Synopsis: Time away from Tetsurou leads you to the serendipity that is Miya Atsumu. 

Characters: Kuroo Tetsurou, You, Miya Atsumu

Genre/Warnings/Tags: None! Angst,  HEALING, Hurt & Comfort, surfer!Atsumu, tattooed!Kuroo, Fluff

WC: 7600+

a/n: here’s a word dump of my feelings bcos i made an oopsie and projected real ppl in 2d characters again

*playlist if u want maximum feelies: Blue (Elina), Miles Apart (Nick Wilson)

-

The thought of healing didn’t cross your mind until some months later.

In the mornings after that morning, you stood in your balcony, leaning against the railing with a mug of coffee, your thoughts wandering. Sometimes you thought of what kind of coffee you liked, and other times you caught yourself wondering how Tetsurou moved through his six AMs. Morning thoughts were reserved for the things you prefer to keep out of your head during the day. Tetsurou, of course, had always been an exception. He somehow always flowed in your train of thought whether the numbers on your watch flashed 3am or 3pm.

Or now, you thought after taking a quick peek at the time in your phone, 6:19 AM; all you could think about was how sad his golden eyes looked against the black of Tokyo’s backdrop.

Tetsurou making his way into your thoughts has always how it’s been for almost a decade, and habits are a little hard to break. At least, that’s what you say to reason with yourself.

Thinking back to your words that night, the “I love you” just kind of slipped out. But you know you meant it. Shifting your wrist to the side, you studied the tattoo again, then closed your eyes to remember the expression on your best friend’s features.

You meant the I love you, you told yourself again. Towards yourself that was for sure; towards Tetsurou.

And that’s always going to be the case, taunted the voice in the back of your head.

After that night, Tetsurou had broken up with his long term girlfriend for good. Though he didn’t necessarily ruin himself over the breakup—there were changes.

He still texted you at odd hours to show you a video he thought was funny, still showed up to your apartment for movie nights, and more or less was still present. But it was during the particularly sentimental scenes in the movie where he’d choose to refill the popcorn or grab another soda, and you could see that his can was still half full. You noticing that Tetsurou always chose to pick the other boba shop that was on the other side of town never flew past you either. You knew that that was the shop he always used to take her after classes—so even seeing how his hands never failed to tighten against the steering wheel when the two of you would drive by, you always pretended not to notice. Even though four months had passed, you know that for him, the wound was still fresh.

And remembering how sad he looked that night, you couldn’t help yourself to feel for his pain. At the end of the day, weren’t you just two people who yearned for the love that couldn’t be yours?

So you sigh and take a sip of coffee from the mug; it had grown a little cold. The digital clock on your phone read 6:31 AM next to a text from Tetsurou asking if you had time for lunch later.

Replying a quick ‘yep. meet u at the usual :)’, did nothing for you trying to have a more productive day off today and thus the morning felt a little slower than normal, so you sigh. Again.

It was going to be one of those days.

-

Tetsurou always made it a point to look gorgeous. Was he trying? Probably not, but that son a bitch knew people gave him looks that lingered a bit too long to be considered just a passing glance. You nearly snort in laughter at the way he opens the door to the café a little too, for better words, extravagantly, and walk to you purposely taking his time because you could tell he felt the way the young mom sitting at the table near the counter was giving him the look.

Then again, you don’t blame her. You weren’t too far from her reaction, albeit you actually had the decency to not openly gawk at him. Tetsurou plopped down in the chair opposite from you and pushed his sleeves up to his elbows and propping them up the table before grabbing the menu from the middle of the table.

Already knowing your order, and his even though he still looks through the menu every time, you sit in your seat waiting for him to settle on the same thing he ordered the last time you ate there.

“Tetsu, why do you have to be so extra every time you see someone looking at you for more than three seconds?”

He cocked his head to the side and peeked at you from behind the menu, “Because I’m hot, tree.”

Though you rolled your eyes at the nickname, you still smiled at the familiar banter, “I still don’t get why you call me tree when you’re the literal beanpole in this friendship.”

“That’s rich coming from you, considering you told people you knew a talking rooster in highschool,” he deadpanned, but you knew he was on the edge of a chuckle from the way he emphasized his words.

“Hey,” you raised your arms up in defense, “people thought you were interesting that way so…”

Tetsurou set the menu down and rolled his eyes at your response as the waiter greeted the two of you. Before Tetsurou could open his mouth to say what he wanted, you spoke, “I’ll get the carbonara and he’ll get the tonkatsu ramen—“

“Oi-“ he interrupted from the side, still, you continued, “we’ll also get iced tea, extra sugar for him, and a little less for me.”

The waiter looked between the two of you waiting for Tetsurou to finish speaking but he only leans back huffing out a, “She’s right.”

You smirked. “You get the same thing every time.”

“Well what if I want something else one day?” he replied to which you rolled your eyes as a reply.

In between bites, Tetsurou looks up from his meal, “Any plans?”

You twirled the straw of your drink around the liquid and looked at him, “I was thinking of traveling somewhere. My boss is letting me take some time off, and season’s kind of slow, so might as well.”

He nods, and then points his chopsticks at you, sighing, “Oh to be young and employed with an employer who doesn’t want to kill you with work.”

“We’re literally seven months apart,” you deadpan.

He huffs in his seat and continues eating.

-

“Have you decided where you’re going?”

You look to your left at Tetsurou who’s facing you, no longer paying attention to the movie playing in the TV.  Smoothing out the blanket on your lap, you sigh and tilt your head. “Kinda? I’m thinking somewhere warm. Kinda miss the sea.”

At this point the movie you two settled on a few hours ago had been completely forgotten, so you shift your body and face him. He offers you your third (or was it the fourth?) can of beer for that night, which you take and pop open immediately.

“(Y/n), can you even swim?” he laughs.

You glare at him from behind your drink. “I can go and look pretty in the beach while sipping my margaritas thank you very much.” 

Tetsurou clinks his can against yours and leans back against the couch, shifting to a more comfortable position. When he finally settles, he positions his head in a way that’s still facing you.

Draping your legs across his lap, you rearrange the blanket so that it covers the both of you. You feel the weight of his hands leaning against your legs and then hear him speak, “How long are you gonna be gone?”

You shrug. “I don’t know, a month? Two months? Haven’t even got the ticket yet.”

He gives you a look you can’t decipher, and then his voice becomes a little quiet, “What if I want to go with you?”

“Tetsu, you know your job won’t let you off that long,” you reply. 

He lets out an exaggerated sigh and pout at you, “You’re going to go and find a new surfer best friend who’ll buy you margaritas that flips his hair and you’ll forget about me.”

You chuckle. “Like that’s gonna happen.”

At this point the alcohol must have hit the both of you because you suddenly look at him, eyes soft in the way you usually would mask in the hours you were sober. He looks at you, equally as deep in the state of inebriation as you are because his eyes are as hazy as the slur in his tone when he says, “Nope! Because you looooove me (y/n).”

And he laughs at his own joke, tilting his head back to take another swig of beer. The comedic undertone flies past you anyway, because you fiddle with the edge of your sweater and sadly nod, “Yeah. I do”

In front of you, Tetsurou raises his hand, smiling, then hollers, “High five! Love you too.”

If it wasn’t for the liquid confidence, you would’ve laughed along to his joke and take another gulp of your beer to swallow the confession—but you’re four cans in and Tetsurou saying that he loves you too clouds the usual boundaries swimming in your head.

He doesn’t notice you when you take another heavy gulp from your can, or bite your lip afterwards, but he hears you when you say, “I do, you dumb fuck, I love you.”

And as soon as you say it, you feel him look at you. You choose to keep your head down. A few beats of silence passes before he speaks, “I know, (y/n),” he reaches forward to grab your hand, taking it into his. He traces the lining of the tattoo before continuing, “I know your tattoo story. And I’m still proud of-“

“I love you, Tetsurou,” you could almost wince at how loud it echoed in the silence, and the alcohol is still swimming in your system so you take another gulp hoping to dive deeper.

You feel him stop tracing the lines on your wrist so you take your hand back to your lap. He let the quiet envelop the room again before he spoke, and you could tell he was careful with his words.

“That time in the balcony, when you said you loved someone…” he trailed off so you look up and catch his stare. His eyes were still glassy; your head was still swimming, the rational thoughts further muffled by liquid confidence.

“I meant you,” you say, and try to fight the urge to break eye contact.

And because Tetsurou chooses to reply with a hushed ‘I’m sorry.’, you tell him ‘it’s okay, Tetsu.’ and retreat to your bedroom with a mumbled excuse of sleeping off a headache.

You lie in the dark with one hand over your eyes and sniffle quietly. You hear his “I’m sorry,” echo in the silence, but you try to ignore the thought at how immediate the apology was. He always had a habit of thinking about his answers in uncertain situations.

But you know him more than you give yourself credit for, you realize, so you shut your eyes and ignore the sting of the tears because you know. You’ve always known everything you felt for him had been on the unrequited side for the most part.

The certainty in his apology still hurt none the less.

--

That morning you wake up with a slight pound in your head and an empty apartment. At least he didn’t stick around, you thought, fully aware that the conversation afterwards would have most likely been too awkward to sit through.

Sighing as you rounded the corner to enter the kitchen, you paused in your track to look at the table where a plate of omurice lay in the middle next to a glass of sweet tea, the condensation still a little fresh on the glass.

Taking a seat and whispering a soft, “Itadakimasu”, you picked up the glass and took a sip. It didn’t taste as sweet as his.

Your eyes still stung, but you couldn’t help but smile at the taste. Looks like he remembers how you like your tea too.

-

After that night, there never really came a talk about where the two of you stood. Two days after the not so sober confession, Tetsurou showed up at your door with a bag of donuts demanding your company to picnic at this new spot he found recently. So you played along and pretended like nothing happened. The rational thoughts were back, your head no longer cloudy so this time, you laughed along with Tetsurou.

Though you could tell this time around his gaze towards you lingered a little longer, and he began to have moments where it looked like he was contemplating to start a conversation then ultimately deciding against it at the very last second. It was fine, though. You weren’t sure if you were ready to have that conversation just yet.

So the next few weeks flowed like how it always did. Movie nights, playful banters, small talk, and beer—only this time you never drank more than two.

“Have you decided where you’re going?” he asks.

“Yeah, there’s this island in the Philippines. Siargao. My flight’s next week. The place looks sunny enough, but I might hop around the other islands if I stay long enough,” you reply.

“Don’t drown,” he laughs, and sets his beer down. You turn your focus back to the movie after chuckling at his reply and ignore how he never picked up a third can this time. And unlike before, he didn’t ask if he could come along this time.

-

Tetsurou drops you off with a half hug and a request that you update him as often as you can.

After a final wave at the gate, you board the plane with a return ticket to Japan slotted for two months later down the year.  

-

The island of Siargao is as beautiful as the pictures you always see on social media. Outside the unit you rented, was a stretch of untouched beach that was some ways from the main square of the city. And true to your words, for the first week of your arrival, you spent your days kicking the sand, lounging by the water and sipping on margaritas.

Tetsurou sent you multiple messages during the first few days, to which you replied through selfies with your margaritas. He’d send you a photo of himself rolling his eyes with the caption “off to work, because I have a job. Like some people.” , or something along similar lines.

You tried to think this wasn’t some random trip you took just because of Tetsurou. It had been a long time since you last took a vacation for yourself; work was lenient, you saved up enough, and frankly, you missed the beach. Tetsurou was just the icing on top of the cake that helped you make your decision, you rationalized.

Plus, you thought, this place is paradise.

And you held on to that thought because a few days later came the knock on your door at six in the morning that introduced you to the serendipity you never could have predicted. Your little summer serendipity came in the form of a six foot one, and totally ripped blonde named Miya Atsumu.

He knocked at your door asking if you knew any places that rented out surfboards and scooters. By the time he was at the third word of his sentence, you knew he was Japanese because of the accent that lingered after he spoke. By the fourth sentence, he smiled in a way that had his eyes crinkling. And by the end of the conversation, by whatever being possessed you in that moment, probably that extra margarita, you had agreed to go to the main square in the city with him.

Atsumu knocks on your door for the second time that day at five in the afternoon wearing a loose white button shirt and another eye crinkling smile. Dangling a set of keys in one hand he nodded behind him and said, “Ready to go? I got the scooter from the place you told me.”

This time, you voiced out your hesitation, “Ahh, it’s alright. You don’t have to get dinner for me tonight. I just happened to know a place.”

He smiles and blinks at you laughing, “Ya travelin’ alone?” You nod then he continues, “Same here. Might as well know someone in the area. Heard the food here’s good, so let’s go.”

You open your mouth to protest but he turns and walks towards his scooter so you huff and follow after him. He did have a point. You were going to be there for two months so might as well actually take the time to know some people.

-

After Atsumu helps you fasten the belt on the helmet, he tells you to ‘feel free to hold on to my waist if ya need to balance.’ and then backs to the main street. Your hands rest on his shoulders as he drives along a road parallel to the stretch of water on your far left. It must have been close to seven, you take note, because as you glance up the colors in the sky begin to blend into mellow hues of orange and red.

You look forward and glance at Atsumu’s reflection in the side mirror before briefly catching his eye. From the mirror, you could see an expression that was somewhere between a smirk and a smile.

“Ya like what ya see?” he yells over the wind.

You squeeze his shoulder, then lean closer saying, “Just drive. I’m not in the mood to die.”

He laughs over the holler of the open air and you can’t help but smile along to how his laugh lingers in the air.

Soon enough, the two of you settle into a restobar by the beach, one close enough to the water where you could ditch your flip flops and let your feet sink in the sand.

This has got to be the fifth margarita I’m drinking today, you think to yourself before taking a sip. Still good though, you inwardly snort. Atsumu sits across you from the table nursing his own choice of drink.

The atmosphere was nice, the live musician strumming his first song in the background. Then Atsumu speaks from across you, “So,” he begins, “How long ya stayin’?”

You fiddle with the straw of your drink, facing him, “Two months. You?”

He shrugs, “I don’t know yet. Off season and there’s not much to do back home, so might as well be bored somewhere a little more scenic.”

“Indefinite vacation,” you nod—impressed, “Must be hella loaded.”

He laughs again, “I’m comfortable.”

The silence envelops the two of you again, but as the musician begins another song, from the corner of your eye you see Atsumu listen, clap, and smile so you decide maybe befriending this stranger won’t be so bad after all.

The next night you head for go for drinks, Tetsurou messages you with a picture of him and Kenma in the car with a caption, “movie night minus the traitor who left the country >:((“ and you reply with your signature margarita selfie with Atsumu throwing a peace sign to your right. Tetsurou replies with a smiley face and you don’t hear from him for the rest of the night.

-

The next few weeks consisted of waking up shy of the sunrise and walks along the trail where the waves crept towards the sand. Atsumu liked to join you in the mornings, of course, the days he actually wakes up before ten AM. Some days you’d watch him peddle out into the water catching wave after wave as you sat in the sand, under a shade. You didn’t really go out into the water and preferred to just sit in the sun, so the times Atsumu would catch a break, he’d lay out a towel next to you and sit to talk.

He was talkative. Extremely talkative. But it was welcome, you suppose. He asked aimless questions during conversations. Conversations with him usually sounded like this: “(y/n)?” “Yep?” “Whadda ya think about riceballs?” “They’re…okay, I guess.” “Good to know.”

It was endearing, you suppose. Atsumu respected your boundaries and never pried, that fact was for sure. Though, he chose to fill in the beats of silence with little facts about his life. Over the course of the next month, in the moments you’d spend with Atsumu during the day, you’ve learned that he was playing for a professional volleyball team, he’s originally not from Tokyo, he tripped during a fan meeting, has a twin brother who’s darn good at cookin’ (he emphasized), and that his favorite food is fatty tuna. You don’t remember specifically asking, but he talks anyway you can’t bring yourself to mind one bit.

During the past month and some, Tetsurou sporadically texts you a greeting to which you reply to—but this time, it wasn’t until much, much later that you realize you didn’t think too much about the change of tone and much hastier conversations. You usually ended the phone call this time around, too.

Nearing the last few stretches of golden hour, Atsumu would routinely knock at your door and drag you out to walk around the beach only retreating to your respective units hours after the sunset.

It was during this one night where Atsumu sits you down and stars a small bonfire. He excused himself for a brief moment then came back with a Tupperware of what you assumed to be snacks, a blanket, and a hoodie which he lent you (that up to now you still haven’t returned).  You smile as he takes his seat next to you, comfortable in his hoodie.

“So,” Atsumu breaks the silence, “how come yer runnin’ away for two months?”

“That’s kinda sudden,” you reply.

He knocks your shoulder with his lightly before speaking again, “You don’t have ta’ share if you don’t wanna.”

“No pressure,” he says again and his eyes crinkle at his smile so you press your shoulder against his and say, “I just wanted time for myself I guess.”

He nods, so you continue, “It’s nothing dramatic, really. For a big part of my life I just…lived according to how people placed me in their lives. I guess I just wanted the space where I had to make decisions from nothing if that even makes any sense.”

“Depends. How many margaritas did ya have today?” he jokes.

“Atsumu! You were with me the whole day, I haven’t even had one yet,” you laugh out.

“But I understand what ya’ mean. Yer all good, I just thought you were gonna say you were soul searchin’ cause of a boy that broke ya’ heart back home.”

You look at him and wince. “In a way, that was a factor as well.”

Half expecting a sympathetic reply, you find yourself rolling your eyes and laughing because Atsumu suddenly yells, “Bingo!” and flicks your forehead.

He faces you and holds his hands up, “Hey, we all got a reason to do stuff so I ain’t gonna judge ya’.”

You smile and lean against his shoulder because you know he’s sincere. 

“Atsumu?” you call out.

“Yeah?” he replies as he turns his head looking at you. 

The red of the flames flicker as a glassy reflection against the brown in his eyes and your thoughts become jumbled for a second.

“If I find out you’re here because you got dumped I’m never letting you live it down.”

His eyes crinkle along with his laugh and you find yourself missing the pools of brown, but the echo of his laugh resonates clear in your ears as compensation so you decide you’re satiated.

“I swear I just got bored back home!”

Atsumu spends the next few hours by telling you stories and giving you soft smiles, and you don’t notice the absence of Tetsurou’s message that night.

-

On the afternoon after some weeks more, Atsumu comes to you by knocking at your door at five in the afternoon (which doesn’t even surprise you at this point), demanding you put on swimwear because he was going to teach you how to swim. At first, you stare at him with a blank look—wherein he stares at you right back with equal intensity, so after some time, you sigh and shoo him out, telling him you’ll meet him outside after you get ready.

After tugging on some shorts and a bikini top, you walk outside and glance around looking for the telltale blonde of Atsumu’s head. It doesn’t really surprise you when you hear your name being hollered from some distance, so as you look to the direction of the water—you see Atsumu waving his arms wildly, already waist deep out in sea.

The water was warm, at least, and you carefully wade in the water towards Atsumu. He lets you grab his arms to help you find balance against the waves knocking against you.

“You know you’re going to fail if you try to teach me right?” you say.

“Just needed an excuse to get you in the water,” he chuckles. 

You respond by splashing him with a handful of water. And somewhere in between splashes of water and playful banter, you find yourself wading chest deep into warm water, Atsumu’s arms acting as your anchor against the push and pull of the waves. The two of you stay like that for some time and you allow the woosh of the water and distant sounds of the children on shore fill the silence.

“Golden hour’s almost up, ‘Tsumu, we should go back.” you say after some time. 

He stands behind you and leans down a bit, then surprises you as he wraps his arms around you, pulling your back to his chest. Your breath hitches, then his voice sounds low near your ear, “Look at the sky.”

And so you do. The sky in front of you lights itself in bursting shades of oranges, reds, and touches of violets. You turn your face to the side but stop because you see Atsumu staring at you, the expression on his face soft.

“Pretty, ain’t it?” his lips part to say, and you nod because you see licks of the sky’s painting reflected in the glassy brown pools of Atsumu’s eyes.

He blinks and smiles in a softer way that only the corners crinkle up, and you don’t notice how your hand eventually found its way to wrap around his because you’re gravitating towards him—face angling closer until you felt his lips press against your forehead.

“Did you know,” you begin, “when you feel deja vu that means the universe is telling you you’re going down the right path?”

Atsumu looks as you, “Does this feel familiar?”

“In a way,” you respond and smile.

Turning to face him, Atsumu’s hands cradle yours as he presses his lips towards the side of your lips, then back to the side of your head feeling him smiling into the kiss. “You’re somethin’ else, (y/n).”

You look at him wearing a smile mirroring his, “Something good I hope.”

It’s something good, you decide later that night as you settle in bed after dinner with Atsumu. The past few hours flew by in a mirage of good conversation, light hearted jokes and even more eye crinkling smiles from Atsumu.

Settling into the comforter, you grab your laptop just in time as Tetsurou’s face pops up on screen, requesting a video call. Propping yourself up on your elbows, you hit the accept button and wave hello as Tetsuou’s face appears on the screen. He holds a can of beer as a greeting and leans forward. His eyes look glassy.

“(Y/n)..” His voice trails off before slowly continuing, “—how are you?”

You don’t notice his tone from the high you’re still feeling from the day so you beam at him, “I’m good! Atsumu and I are really hitting it off! You’d love him Tetsu!”

He stares at you through the webcam and then he sighs deep. Finally catching a drift of the atmosphere he’s giving off, you watch him crack another beer open and slowly speak, “You okay? Did something happen?”

He sets the can down at the table in front of him and places his face in his hands. You notice the new ink around his forearms. “I miss you, (y/n).”

“I’ll be home next week, Tetsu,” you say

“I—“ he pauses to look up at you with glassy eyes, “I think we should give us a try.”

Your heart clenches. “Tetsurou, you’re drunk. We can talk when I get home.” He shakes his head, and his movement is a little sluggish, so you continue to speak before he could, “I saw the photo your ex posted earlier. You’re still not okay, Tetsu.”

He leans back to his chair with a little force, “And suddenly you are? After being in love with me for eight years, (y/n), you expect me to believe that you’re suddenly okay? Bullshit.”

Your face grimaces, and you feel anger bubble up, the emotion seeping into your words, “I don’t think you’re ever going to go away, Tetsurou. For years I watched you fall in and out of love with someone who was never me. I’m not suddenly okay but I accepted that this—“ you pause to gesture between the two of you, “—isn’t going to happen and I’m moving on. I watched you when you were at your happiest and I deserve that too, Tetsu. I deserve to be at my happiest whether it be by myself or with Atsu-“

“We can try, (y/n),” he cuts you off softly.

“But I don’t deserve someone who isn’t sure about me,” you reply.

And maybe it’s the liquid confidence that riles him up, but he suddenly straightens his back and looks at you with the same glare you stare at him with, “And are you sure about Atsumu? You told me none of us are saints, (y/n), you’re not better off than I am here.”

You open your mouth, but the silence remains; the atmosphere suddenly heavy.

Then Tetsurou slumps before he he speaks, “(Y/n), I—“  

“It’s okay, Kuroo,” you watch as he winces at his surname, “It’s late and I really want to get some sleep. You should too. Take care.”

You catch the last second of him parting his lips at an attempt to reply before you promptly ended the call and shut off your laptop.

His words ring in your ear the entire night, and you think of Atsumu the entire night. You watch the second hand of the clock on your bedside table tick slowly. Your hand comes to rest against your eyes as you try to let sleep pull you in.

You think of Tetsurou who looked at you with glassy eyes that told you all the reasons why his heart was still hurting, then you think of Atsumu—of how the sunset looked better reflected in his eyes than it did painted across the sky.

“I really hope this is something good,” you echo your words from earlier as you let sleep finally succumb into slumber.

-

The night before your flight, Atsumu seats you outside for a bonfire, with the same blankets, snacks, and hoodie fitted around you. The first few hours he jokes about little stories that happened throughout his life and listens patiently when you’d share a snippet of yours.

At this point, you weren’t sure where the two of you stood. You look at him from the corner of your eye as he blows against an extremely burnt marshmallow before sheepishly offering the stick to you.

“When we’re back in Japan I’m lettin’ ya taste ‘Samu’s cookin’ to make up for this I swear.”

You lean your head against his arm and blow on the charred marshmallow, “Have you decided when you’re coming back?”

“Yes, but I’m not tellin ya,” Atsumu chuckles.

“What!” You exclaim, suddenly sitting up, “You already have a ticket?”

“That’s also a secret, doll.”

You sigh and move to lightly punch his shoulder, but instead, he catches your hand midway and envelops it in his own. Atsumu looks at the tattoo on your wrist peeking out, so tentatively, he pushes down the sleeve and looks at it.

“Baby’s breath means eternal love, right?” he asks, voice hushed.

“I’m surprised a big, buff, man like you knows,” you reply.

“Oi, big buff men can be sentimental too,” Atsumu quips.

“(Y/n),” he begins then looks at you in a way that suddenly has your stomach churning, “Should we give us a go at this?”

He asks the same question as Tetsurou did a few nights back and your head is swimming. Tetsurou’s words muddle the thoughts in your head as you turn to face Atsumu who is looking at you with eyes that always held the same softness that remained unchanged from two months ago.

Is this even fair for Atsumu? is the thought that you circle around.

“I don’t want to give you only half of me, ‘Tsumu,” you cradle his cheek in your palm and your heart stirs when he leans in. 

“You’re too good for me,” you confess.

He closes his eyes and you find yourself missing the dancing specks of scarlet flames reflected in his orbs. 

“You’re killin’ me, doll,” he sighs, his face still warm against your palm. Atsumu’s hand trails up and cups your hand that’s still flush against his cheek.

“Is this the part where we say we’re the right people who met at the wrong time?” he jokes quietly. Atsumu looks at you with a smile contrasting against the somber expression in his face, and you feel your heart clench.

Your thoughts momentarily flicker back to the night you talked to Tetsurou in your balcony some months ago and remember the feeling of déjà vu hinting that you were heading in the right direction with your decision.

Staring back at him, you look at your own reflection in darkened pools of brown and don’t feel déjà vu’s familiar push. Atsumu’s other hand trails up your face and his thumb rubs against your cheek. You stay silent when he sighs again and your heart clenches in the way that hurts, and your brain scrambles for a reason why.

Atsumu angles your hand in a way that lets him press a kiss to the tattoo on your wrist. “Hope ya heal in time, (y/n).”

You’re still quiet, thoughts still muddled as your rationality wrestles to string words to convey to Atsumu. “We can stay in contact, ‘Tsumu. I still want you to be in my life,” you slowly say.

“I don’t wanna be hurtin’ you while you’re still tryin’ to find yourself,” he says, and you nod. Déjà vu never comes and your heart still aches.

And your heart remains heavy as the two of you stand up to retreat for the night. Against the door of your room you look at him and press a kiss on his cheek. He smiles at you.

“Well, I guess,” you initiate, “see you around?”

He smiles and crosses the short distance between the two of you, then presses a chaste kiss on your forehead. “If the universe wills it, doll.”

The feeling of déjà vu is absent for the rest of the night.

-

After the first few days of your arrival back in Japan, you stay in your apartment cursing the winter. This particular winter was a little harsh for Tokyo and the sudden temperature change you needed to adjust to didn’t help with your traitor immune system. Kenma had waited for you at the arrival area of the airport instead of Tetsurou that day. Then again, you weren’t complaining—you didn’t have any plans to talk to him immediately after coming back home.

You didn’t need to report back to your job until the next week so the first few days, you loitered around your apartment mindlessly passing the time. Some mornings, you’d drag a chair by the balcony and sip your morning coffee. The snow accumulating on the rails and the gloomy morning light was a far cry from the little island you explored with Atsumu back in the Philippines, but your thoughts still ghosted around him from time to time.

The morning you left for the airport, he slept in, but that didn’t stop you from leaving a sticky note in his front door with your contact details neatly printed in the paper. Throughout your day, your eyes constantly flickered to sneak glimpses at your phone’s notification bar, but there was never an unknown number. So you sighed, and instead scrolled through the photos you managed to capture with him. The image of Atsumu stared back at you through the screen, expression beaming with unfiltered happiness and you find yourself smiling along every time.

A knock on your door one morning brings you out of your haze. Before you could look through the peep hole, another knock comes and then a voice, “Ah, (y/n), I think you’re home now,” your hand on the door knob loosens, “It’s Tetsurou. Can we please talk?”

You must have stayed quiet too long because he speaks again, “I got you donuts.” 

And you sigh, because he’s right, the two of you need to talk. But you still tell yourself you’re only opening the door because it’s six in the morning and you can’t be bothered to make breakfast so the donuts are the only reason you’re letting him in.

-

Tetsurou sits on the opposite side of the dining table gripping the handle of his mug with one hand before he clears his throat and looks at you, “I’m sorry.”

“Tetsurou,” you begin, “You’re someone that I don’t think will ever leave my system.” His eyes are a little clearer now that you return his stare. “You’re still the person who grew up with me even if time difference existed you know. You’ve had so many roles in my life and that’s never going to change.”

He looks at you, suddenly looking like a teenager again. His golden eyes stare at you and gleam of something unspoken. “I think somewhere along the years I really did fall in love with you, (y/n). And it just sucks how we never met at the same page. I really do love you, (y/n).”

“Maybe in the next life, Tetsu,” you say suddenly choked up. “We both deserve-“

“A fresh start.” He cuts you off, smiling. “A fresh start.” You affirm.

Before you knew it, Tetsurou rolls his sleeve to his elbows and angles his arm showing you a small outline of the sun peeking out behind some buildings. You look at him just in time for his explanation, “It’s not as sentimental as your baby’s breath tattoo, but sunrises remind me of you.”

You feel your eyes water when you look at the amber of his eyes growing glassier, “You got a tattoo that reminds you of me?”

“You’ve always been a constant in my life, (y/n). I shared so many sunrises with you. And I mean it when I say that I want you to find what makes you happy.” He tells you as you smile and lean forward, tracing the lining of his tattoo. The moment feels a little like déjà vu that doesn’t disappear when Tetsurou speaking again, “I love you enough to realize that kind of happiness won’t be with me, (y/n).”

He looks at you and everything feels so familiar. You choke out a sob that sounded a little like a laugh and Tetsurou does the same.

“You’re never getting rid of me, you lunatic,” you say, and Tetsurou laughs—eyes glassy from the pricks of tears fighting to slide down his cheeks. “We’re okay, right?” He asks you. And you nod, because your heart constricts in a way that doesn’t hurt, the knot in your stomach gone and Tetsurou looking so beautiful from the morning light that filtered in feels so familiar.

“Always, Tetsu.”

And after some moments of comfortable silence, he looks to the window on his left saying, “So, surfer dude slash volleyball player, huh? I think you got a type going on, (y/n).”

You roll your eyes and finally grab a donut from the box. “Yeah.”

Tetsurou chuckles, “Tell me about him. He’s the first guy who makes you look dopey in love.” So you smile and look out the window thinking about the boy who spoke of the little moments and showed you worlds under the sun and feel your heart mellow to a gentle beat, “He’s something good.”

-

Atsumu’s number doesn’t show up on your phone for the next month, but you try to keep yourself from doing your own research, or as Tetsurou pointed out, stalking, for his presence in social media. If he didn’t want to be found, you’d just leave him to it.

Tetsurou sits across from you at the arrival gate in Haneda airport later that month, scrolling through his phone and mumbling curses because Bokuto, his friend, had told him the wrong time for his arrival and won’t be arriving until a few hours later. Instead of driving back home, wasting gas, and sitting through traffic, you suggest to pass the time at a café instead.

“I swear to god, (y/n), remind me to end my friendship with him the second he lands,” Tetsurou huffs from across you.

“You’re being dramatic again,” You roll your eyes, laughing. 

“He’s gonna be here in a bit,” you pause and stand up, grabbing your phone, “I’ll go check the board so stay here.”

“Since you left your wallet here, I’m treating myself to another frapp, thanks (y/n)!” you hear him call from behind you, so you turn to flick him off as you keep walking.

-

Looking at the board above the gate, your eyes scan to look for information regarding Bokuto’s flight. Under said flight, you smile looking at SIARGAO listed within the board. Briefly, your thought wonders off to Atsumu; you hoped he was doing well.

A flow of people begin to trail out of the gate and into the lobby. Assuming that it must be from Bokuto’s flight, you stand on your tip toes from your little corner to look for the telltale monochromatic palette of his hair.

Grabbing your phone, you hastily press call to Tetsurou’s contact name, to which he answers with a drawled out “Heeelllloo?” along with an exaggerated slurp to the Frappuccino he bought with your card.

You open your mouth to tell him to come over, except that you don’t because standing a few meters in front of you is a familiar blonde.

From the phone in your ear, you hear Tetsurou call your name, so through the haze in your thoughts, you mumble a quick “Never mind.” and hang up. You don’t think Atsumu notices you just yet because he’s pulled his luggage to the side, a little closer to you this time, and pulled out his phone to what you could guess was him texting somebody.

You don’t speak for the first few beats of silence because, holy shit this is fanfiction material—is this actually happening? Eventually he pockets his phone and looks around, before his eyes spots you, who at this point, is still openly gawking at him some distance away.

Then three things happen in succession; first, Atsumu’s eyes widen, second, he blinks really fast, and then finally, third, cracks a smile.

And as soon as his smile pushes the crinkle in his eyes, you feel yourself release the breath you’ve unconsciously held in. He pushes his luggage with him as he walks towards you, hand held up in greeting and the smile still plastered wide on his face.

“Yo,” he says and your heart bursts with your reply that came out a little more breathless than you’d expected, “Hi.”

-

Tetsurou stands some distance away from the two of you, holding your wallet and his Frappuccino. He spots the blonde mop of head you’re staring at, really you should chill out (he thinks), and immediately recognizes his features as Miya Atsumu, the same guy who’s been a part of your daily margarita selfie for the two months you were in the Philippines.

The bedhead watches you walk towards Atsumu, and he to you before you both met somewhat in the middle, then looks at you, finding himself smile because of how happy you looked. He stands in his spot and can’t help but feel some sort of déjà vu as he stops himself from approaching the two of you. His heart, he realizes, clenches in a way that sort of hurts but sort of doesn’t, but because this is the first time looking at you with a smile so unabashed, he settles with the thought that because he loves you—you deserve nothing short of the happiness you’re feeling now.

And you can’t help but feel the same as Atsumu laughs out a comment about how the universe must really want the two of you together. His arms circle your figure after exchanging a few pleasantries and inside jokes and you smile into the crook of his neck.

“This feels a little like that déjà vu thing ya talked about before, ya know.” He mumbles. And for the brief moment you see Tetsurou’s text on the screen of your phone reading, “whipped.”, you laugh in a way that has you feeling dizzy and light. You feel like you could cry when Atsumu kisses the side of your head, because this moment feels so familiar.

Atsumu feels so familiar. So when you break the embrace and look at the reflection of your watering eyes in the warm pools of his, more than ever, you were sure that this is exactly where the gods meant for you to be.

-

a/n: *i’m aware there’s no direct flight from haneda/siargao but pls bear w me ;A;

proceed to Epilogue :D

[rfield87]

Writing Advice from Best-Selling Authors: Stephen King

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This week’s re-blog is one that was written by Lauren Passell, and is titled: Stephen King’s Top 20 Rules for Writers. It was published on March 22, 2013. If you would like to read the blog on the Barnes & Noble website where I found it, I will leave the link below. 

(When I was re-writing this blog I found some typo errors and corrected them as I went along. It must be the editor in me.)

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/blog/stephen-kings-top-20-rules-for-writers/

                         Stephen King’s Top 20 Rules for Writers

Stephen King’s books have sold over 350 million copies. Like them or loathe them, you have to admit that’s impressive. King’s manual On Writing reveals that he’s relentlessly dedicated to his craft. He admits that not even The King himself always sticks to his rules - but trying to follow them is a good start. Here are our favorite pieces of advice for aspiring writers:

1. First write for yourself, and then worry about the audience. “When you write a story, you’re telling yourself the story. When you rewrite, your main job is taking out the things that are not the story. Your stuff starts out being just for you, but then it goes out.

2. Don’t use passive voice. “Timid writers like passive verbs for the same reason that timid lovers like passive partners. The passive voice is safe. The timid fellow writes “The meeting will be held at seven o’clock” because that somehow says to him, ‘Put it this way and people will believe you really know.’ Purge this quisling thought! Don’t be a muggle! Throw back your shoulders, stick out your chin, and put that meeting in charge! Write ‘The meeting’s at seven.’ There, by God! Don’t you feel better?”

3. Avoid adverbs. “The adverbs is not your friend. Consider the sentence “He closed the door firmly.” It’s by no means a terrible sentence, but ask yourself if ‘firmly’ really has to be there. What about context? What about the enlightening (not to say emotionally moving) prose which came before ‘He closed the door firmly’? Shouldn’t this tell us how he closed the door? And if the foregoing prose does tell us, then isn’t ‘firmly’ an extra word? Isn’t it redundant?”

4, Avoid adverbs, especially after “he said” and “she said.” “While to write adverbs is human, to write ‘he said’ or ‘she said’ is divine.”

5. But don’t obsess over perfect grammar. “Language does not always have to wear a tie and lace-up shoes. The object of fiction isn’t grammatical correctness but to make the reader welcome and then tell a story...to make him/her forget, whenever possible, that he/she is reading a story at all.”

6. The magic is in you. “I’m convinced that fear is at the root of most bad writing. Dumbo got airborne with the help of a magic feather; you may feel the urge to grasp a passive verb or one of those nasty adverbs for the same reason. Just remember before you do that Dumbo didn’t need the feather; the magic was in him.”

7. Read, read, read. “You have tor read widely, constantly refining (and redefining) your own work as you do so. If you don’t have the time to read, you don’t have the time (or the tools) to write.”

8. Don’t worry about making other people happy. “Reading at meals is considered rude in polite society, but if you expect to succeed as a writer, rudeness should be the second to least of your concerns. The least of all should be polite society and what it expects. If you intend to write as truthfully as you can, your days as a member of polite society are numbered, anyway.”

9. Turn off the TV. “Most exercise facilities are now equipped with TVs, but TV - while working out or anywhere else - really is about the last thing an aspiring writer needs. If you feel you must have the news analyst blowhard on CNN while you exercise, or the stock market blowhards of MSNBC, or the sports blowhards of ESPN, it’s time for you to question how serious you really are about becoming a writer. You must be prepared to do some serious turning inward toward the life of the imagination, and that means, I’m afraid, the Geraldo, Keigh Oberman, and Jay Leno must go. Reading takes time, and the glass teat takes too much of it.”

10. You have three months. “The first draft of a book - even a long one - should take no more than three months, the length of a season.”

11. There are two secrets to success. “When asked for the ‘secret of my success’ (an absurd idea, that, but impossible to get away from), I sometimes say there are two: I stayed physically healthy, and I stayed married. It’s a good answer because it makes the question go away, and because there is an element of truth in it. The combination of a healthy body and a stable relationship with a self-reliant woman who takes zero shit from me or anyone else has made the continuity of my working life possible. And I believe the converse is also true: that my writing and the pleasure I take in it has contributed to the stability of my health and my home life.”

12. Write one word at a time. “A radio talk-show host asked me how I wrote. My reply - ‘One word at a time’ - seemingly left him without a reply. I think he was trying to decide whether or not I was joking. I wasn’t. In the end, it’s always that simple. Whether it’s vignette of a single page or an epic trilogy like ‘The Lord of the Rings,” the work is always accomplished one word at a time.”

13. Eliminate distraction. “There should be no telephone in your writing room, certainly no TV or videogames for you to fool around with. If there’s a window, draw the curtains or pull down the shades unless it looks out at a blank wall.”

14. Stick to your own style. “One cannot imitate a writer’s approach to a particular genre, no matter how simple what the writer is doing may seem. You can’t aim a book like a cruise missile, in other words. People who decide to make a fortune writing like John Grisham or Tom Clancy produce nothing but pale imitations, by and large, because vocabulary is not the same thing as feeling and plot is light years from the truth as it is understood by the mind and the heart.”

15. Dig. “When, during the course of an interview for The New Yorker, I told the interviewer (Mark Singer) that I believed stories are found things, like fossils in the ground, he said that he didn’t believe me. I replied that was fine, as long as he believed that I believed it. And I do. Stories aren’t souvenir tee-shirts or Game Boys. Stories are relics, part of an undiscovered pre-existing world. The writer’s job is to use the tools in his or her toolbox to get as much of each one out of the ground intact as possible. Sometimes the fossil you uncover is small; a seashell. Sometimes it’s enormous, a Tyrannosaurus Rex with all the gigantic ribs and grinning teeth. Either way, short story or thousand page whopper of a novel, the techniques of excavation remain basically the same.”

16. Take a break. “If you’ve never done it before, you’ll find reading your book over after a six-week layoff to be a strange, often exhilarating experience. It’s yours, you’ll recognize it as yours, even be able to remember what tune was on the stereo when you wrote certain lines, and yet it will also be like reading the work of someone else, a soul-twin, perhaps. This is the way it should be, the reason you waited. It’s always easier to kill someone else’s darlings than it is to kill your own.”

17. Leave out the boring parts and kill your darlings. “Mostly when I think of pacing, I go back to Elmore Leonard, who explained it so perfectly by saying he just left out the boring parts. This suggests cutting to speed the pace, and that’s what most of us end up having to do (kill your darlings, kill your darlings, even when it breaks your egocentric little scribbler’s heart, kill your darlings).”

18. The research shouldn’t overshadow the story. “If you do need to do research because parts of your story deal with things about which you know little or nothing, remember the word back. That’s where research belongs; as far in the background and the back story as you can get it. You may be entranced with what you’re learning about the flesh-eating bacteria, the sewer system of New York, or the I.Q. potential of collie pups, but your readers are probably going to care a lot more about your characters and your story.”

19. You become a better writer simply by reading and writing. “You don’t need writing classes or seminars any more than you need this or any other book on writing. Faulkner learned his trade while working in the Oxford, Mississippi post office. Other writers have learned the basics while serving in the Navy, working in steel mills or doing time in America’s finer crossbar hotels. I learned the most valuable (and commercial) part of my life’s work while washing motel sheets and restaurant tablecloths at the New Franklin Laundry in Bangor. You learn best by reading a lot and writing a lot, and the most valuable lessons of all are the ones you teach yourself.”

20. Writing is about getting happy. “Writing isn’t about making money, getting famous, getting dates, getting laid, or making friends. In the end, it’s about enriching the lives of those who will read your work, and enriching your own life, as well. It’s about getting up, getting well, and getting over. Getting happy, okay? Writing is magic, as much the water of life as any other creative art. The water is free. So, drink.”  

Which of these rules do you like best?

[rt8815]

OC Ask Game

I was tagged by the amazing @illegalcerebral

I put a Keep Reading link because this is looong.

1) Name (and why you chose it if you like) McKinley Campbell Durand. I named her after McKinley Morganfield, better known as Muddy Waters. However, the “in universe?” reason that will be given - which I haven’t written yet - is that McKinley and Campbell are family names from a few generations back.

Campbell comes from the Gaelic words for ‘crooked’ and ‘mouth.’ I just like the name. Here’s a post (that I had to rewrite because Tumblr’s a dick and wouldn’t let me edit the typos in the original. The rewrite had typos too! Blargh!) that discusses her first and last names. I thought it would be funny for her full name to consist solely of last names.

2) Fandom and how they fit into the story Criminal Minds. She works at a D.C. museum practically around the corner from the J. Edgar Hoover building (as indicated in “Let It Bleed”). That’s a tiny hint that it’s the National Museum of African American History & Culture, but I don’t think I’ll mention it very often, if for no other reason than I’ve never been to the NMAAHC and don’t want to describe it inaccurately.

The official story is that Spencer and McKinley met at the museum (again, in “Let It Bleed,” which is probably the least favorite thing of mine that I’ve written). However, they’d met once before, and texted a few times after that. Because my brain is all over the place, and because I’m telling the story in non-chronological order, I haven’t written their first meeting yet. The only details I’ve revealed thus far are that it was nighttime in a park, McKinley caught Spencer off guard and made him fall to the ground, and whatever they talked about set Spencer straight and lifted his spirits. Also, a swingset was involved. Beyond that, I’ve inserted McKinley into the plotlines and events of the show, with necessary alterations, and there’s a ton of domestic Spencer and off-duty team stuffs.

3) Do they have any family? Biological family: daughter Sophie and son Jason; her Mom (no name yet); maternal grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins; and her estranged father (no name yet). Chosen/found family: husband Spencer; the BAU.

4) As a child, what did they want to be when they grew up? When she was a toddler, McKinley wanted to be a pediatrician (a doctor just for kids?! Cool!) or an ophthalmologist (she’s worn glasses practically her whole life). As an older child she aspired to be an entomologist or herpetologist. In her teenage years she considered a career in forensic pathology or criminal psychology. While earning her BA in English, she discovered that Public History was her true calling.

5) Their greatest dream To be a good Mom. To inspire learning in others.

6) Their worst nightmare Losing her family; having to see her father again.

7) Strengths Empathy, insight/self awareness, forgiving nature but knowing when to cut her losses

8) Weaknesses McKinley struggles with imposter syndrome.

She can be very mean. I mean, downright nasty cruel, verbally. This is rare though because, and I’m paraphrasing a future bit of dialogue here, anyone whose behavior could arguably warrant such a response is beneath her notice and not worth the effort. She’s more likely to close the door on someone. When she’s removed a person from her life, she is done. They become literally nothing to her. McKinley will rightly claim that this is about self-preservation and boundaries, but she really takes it to the next level.

9) What would they chose between: morning and night, sweet and savoury, beaches or meadows, cities or countryside, winter or summer, Christmas or Halloween (sorry, Spencer!), movies or TV shows, action or rom-com, clowns or vampires, stars or the moon (both!), cocktails or pints [Neither. McKinley doesn’t care for cocktails or beer. Scotch, brandy, rum, and dry wines are her poisons. She’s been known to add Kahlúah to vanilla ice cream, Baileys Irish Cream to coffee (she wants to try Drambuie next), or make hot toddies when she has a cold (obviously not mixing any alcohol with any medicine)]

10) How do they relax? Reading, or having Spencer read to her; knitting; listening to her records or playing her guitar; exercising with Boogie so she’s exhausted enough to sleep that night; baking and cooking

11) What makes them angry? Injustice, apathy/indifference, ableism, willful ignorance

12) What makes them afraid? The awful things she’d possibly do under duress; her family getting hurt or worse; spiders and other bugs that bite and/or sting

13) What is a moment from their childhood that has shaped who they are? It’s not a single event, but growing up with an abusive parent has certainly had a lifelong impact on McKinley. You’ve heard the expression “once bitten, twice shy?” She’s “once bitten, there’s no twice because you no longer exist.” She’s working on that. It’s also cultivated empathy, though, and is part of the reason she volunteers in the hospital’s rehab wing.

14) Do they have a sense of humour? Intellectual humor, pop culture references, puns/Dad jokes, science jokes. Sometimes morbid.

15) What do they value in their friends/loved ones? Honesty and empathy

16) Do they have any pets? An Aussie Collie/Border Aussie named Boogie-Woogie. He’s her first child.

17) Worst memory? Probably the day Meadows shot her and she thought she’d never see Spencer and Penny again.

18) Best memory? The days Sophie and Jason were born. Minus, y’know, the agonizing pain of labor and delivery.

19) Do they have any tattoos? (If no would they get one?) Nope and nope

20) If you could write them into another fandom, which one would you choose? If I knew the MCU better, I’d love to write her in as a Stark Tower employee! She’d be an anthropologist and would study alien societies the Avengers and S.H.I.E.L.D. have encountered. She’d naturally be drawn to Loki, initially in a professional capacity (they quickly discover they relate to each other on a personal level as well).

He’d first find her annoying: “Why are you pestering me, Mortal? Surely you’d rather interview my oaf of a brother?”

“No, not even remotely. He only ever wants to discuss battles he’s won. There’s so much more to Asgard and the other realms than that. I want - I need - to learn your literature, your science, your culture and history. You’re well versed in all of these subjects and you’re an excellent teacher.”

He stares at her impassively over his mug of tea, but his heart - that Judas of an organ - flutters slightly at the compliment. And how can he say no to a fellow scholar?

“I prefer your company to Thor’s too. You have this calming presence. Thor’s sweet but he’s also obnoxiously loud and brash and he always hugs me even though I keep telling him I don’t like it. And he’s constantly swinging his hammer around, which makes me think he’s overcompensating for something.”

Loki nearly chokes on his tea. Yes, this mortal is considerably more tolerable than others.

“Very well. Friday evenings at 6:00, my chambers. Arrive late and suffer my wrath.”

From that day forward, whenever Thor tries to hug her, he gets mildly electrocuted.

Did I accidentally sorta kinda write a drabble? Would anyone be interested in making this a collab? That’s what they’re called, right? (Can you tell I’ve given this some thought? Haha! I have even more details in my head.)

21) Do they like their job? (What else would they do if they could?) She loves it! Hmmm, what else…? A librarian maybe. Or animate and produce an educational cartoon series.

22) What is their sexuality? Demisexual

23) Do they believe in love at first sight? Soulmates? One true love? McKinley believes in “seeing the potential for a good relationship at first conversation.”

Yes, although she feels that term has become overused and poorly redefined.

People can find love again after it’s been lost.

24) What music do they listen to? Has that changed over time? I actually recently answered an ask about this. Yes, she grew up on what passed for country in the ‘90s. God help her, she had a boyband phase in junior high.

25) Can they cook? What food do they love? McKinley does pretty well in the kitchen. She loves a wide variety of food. She grew up in the south, so tons of carbs/comfort foods. She loves Thai, Japanese, and Indian food. She cooks up Middle Earth-inspired dishes (ha! nerd). She’s especially proud of a seed cake she bakes.

26) What are their hopes for the future? For her family to be healthy, safe and happy. To be debt free.

27) How do they react to being threatened? It’s a coin flip. McKinley might curl up like an armadillo and hope the predator gets bored and leaves, or she might kick the stool out from under them and cause their chin to slam into the bar and crack several teeth.

28) What is their love language? McKinley and Spencer both exhibit the Acts of Service love language, because just saying “I love you” isn’t enough. You ought to show it. She’ll randomly bake doughnuts for Spencer or play guitar for him in bed, and he’ll take care of laundry, dishes, and any other chores he sees need doing.

Quality Time is important for them too. Once a month, Luke and Penny babysit so Spencer and McKinley have a day alone together. It doesn’t really matter what they do. The point is it’s just them.

It caught McKinley by surprise how much she enjoys physical affection, given that she can be touch averse but holy moly she was more touch starved than she realized. She lives for snuggles and makeout sessions and playing with each others’ hair. When one of them doesn’t want to be touched, they hook their pinkies together.

29) What do they find most challenging in relationships? At work? In general? At work she struggles to gain her colleagues’ respect (think “Boy Genius” treatment except she has lady bits). In general, she struggles with trusting people.

30) What do you as a creator love best about writing this character? Giving her everything I wish I had but don’t.

Bonus: Include a link to your favourite work with this OC or write a small drabble.

October 12, 2021

Warm sunlight filtered through the curtains, gently rousing Spencer from a pleasant sleep. Just when he’d decided to get up, he felt the mattress dip behind him and his wife’s breath fanning over his ear.

“Who’s the birthday boy?” whispered McKinley.

Spencer smiled softly but feigned being asleep.

“Who’s the birthdaaay boooy?” she repeated, bouncing slightly.

“The good-looking guy to your left?”

“Happy Birthday!” she laughed, pressing kisses along his neck, suddenly shifting the mood from playful to sexy.

“Would the birthday boy like his birthday present?” she asked as she lifted the covers.

“Well, look at that - it’s already unwrapped!”

[placetobenation]

SmackDown on Fox Episode #43 SmackDown Episode # 1,092 Orlando, FL – WWE Performance Center 7/24//20 The show opens just like last week with some promo videos, but this week they were all centered around the bar fight as we got to hear from Jeff Hardy, Sheamus, & bar room brawl veteran JBL.  These opening promos were even worse than last week, especially the first part with Hardy as he is very hit or miss when it comes to promos and this was a miss by a country mile.  We then go inside the PC where the Golden Role Models make their way to the ring for our 10-15 minute show opening promo. Sasha and Bayley talk about how they redefined the word greatness after they “won” all the gold at Extreme Rules and how they don’t just walk the walk they talk the talk. They say that the Women’s Evolution is over because the concept began with them and now it ends with them since they have all the gold. They say that kids at home need to look no further for proof that their dreams can come true, but despite how hard they try they will never be as good as they are.  Nikki Cross and Alexa Bliss make their way out to the top of the ramp and Nikki is fired up about how she was cheated out of a win at Extreme Rules and demands a rematch with Bayley.  Bayley says that SmackDown is the land of opportunity and Nikki can have her rematch but only if she beats a worthy opponent, that opponent ends up being Nikki’s best friend Alexa Bliss. Alexa looks very hesitant and doesn’t really want to go against her best friend but Nikki has become so hell-bent on getting back at Bayley that Alexa’s hesitance pisses her off and she shoves Alexa on her butt and storms to the ring. That match will be right after the break. Match #1: Alexa Bliss vs Nikki Cross The Golden Role Models were on commentary during this match.  We get a lockup and both women jockey for position in the corner and then we get a break before another lockup where Nikki tries for a waist lock but Alexa takes control of the arm and then both women keep transitioning into different moves to try and take control of the other’s arm until Alexa tries to get a quick win with a schoolgirl but Nikki kicks out at 1. It looks like we are getting another lockup but Nikki surprises Alexa with her own schoolgirl but Alexa is able to kick out as well. We get a side headlock takeover from Alexa but Nikki scissors out of it and then we get Nikki taking Alexa down with a side headlock and Alexa scissors out of it as the tag partners stare each other down. Alexa with another waist lock and a side headlock but Nikki shoots her into the ropes where Alexa ducks a couple of clotheslines and takes Nikki down with a shoulder block Alexa runs off the ropes and gets caught with a couple of arm drags and then Nikki locks in an armbar. Nikki then sends Alexa into the corner and charges in but Alexa moves out of the way and goes to slap Nikki, but Nikki blocks and hits her with an elbow and then tries for a tornado DDT but Alexa blocks and tries to transition into the DDT, but Nikki counters and clotheslines Alexa a couple of times and then hits Alexa with a dropkick followed by an avalanche in the corner. Nikki pulls Alexa out of the corner only to send her right back in and hit her with another avalanche followed by a running bulldog that gets Nikki a 2 count. Nikki sets up for The Purge but Alexa counters with an STO takedown and then she hits Nikki with a basement dropkick that sends Nikki out of the ring. Alexa looks to hit Nikki with the baseball slide but Nikki traps her in the ring skirt but isn’t able to capitalize as Alexa hits her with a kick. At this point, Sasha and Bayley had gotten out of their seats and were loudly mocking both women so they decked the champions and this took us to commercial.  We come back to both women trading right hands while Nikki is on the apron and when Alexa tries to run to the ropes Nikki grabs her by the hair but gets slapped by Alexa and then Alexa drives her shoulder into the injured ribs of Nikki and kicks her back down to the floor where Alexa successfully hits the baseball slide. Alexa allows Nikki to crawl back into the ring and then she kicks her in the ribs and stomps a mudhole into her in the corner. Alexa snapmares Nikki into the center of the ring and applies a top wristlock that gives Alexa full access to Nikki’s ribs and she takes advantage of that as she drives her elbow into the ribs. Nikki tries to get back to her feet in order to escape the hold but Alexa quickly brings her back down with a couple more kicks to the ribs. Alexa hits the double knee drop onto Nikki which sends Nikki rolling to the outside for a breather, Alexa goes after Nikki who tries to make a comeback with a knee to the gut and a side headlock, but Alexa pushes her off into the barricade which inflicts even further pain on her injured ribs.  Alexa rolls back in the ring and looks to try and get a count-out victory but Nikki slowly gets back into the ring so Alexa continues to go after the ribs including two more double knee drops which surprisingly only get Alexa a 2 count. Alexa gets Nikki in the corner and repeatedly drives her shoulder into Nikki’s midsection. Alexa slams Nikki to the mat and locks on another top wristlock so she can continue to drive her elbow into the ribs. Nikki finally fights her way out and hits Alexa with an arm drag and a jawbreaker. Nikki hits Alexa with a cross chop and then hits her repeatedly with forearms until Alexa is back in the corner and then she slams Alexa face-first into the top turnbuckle and then goes for another tornado DDT but once again it doesn’t work as Alexa throws her off and then hits her with a code red for a 2 count.  Alexa goes up top but is cut off by Nikki who climbs up to join her, Alexa blocks a superplex attempt by elbowing Nikki in the ribs and then she shoves Nikki back down to the mat and jumps over her when she comes charging back toward her. Alexa tries for a big right hand but Nikki ducks and hits Alexa with an arm trap neckbreaker for a 2 count. Nikki picks up Alexa and puts her in a fireman’s carry position but Alexa escapes out the back and tries for a waist lock but Nikki quickly reverses and hits Alexa with an inverted DDT for yet another very close 2 count. Nikki goes up top and looks for a crossbody but Alexa moves out of the way sending Nikki crashing down to the mat with her injured ribs, Alexa tries to go over and capitalize but the referee tells her to stay back and once Nikki tells the referee she is ok Alexa walks over and is caught with an inside cradle and this was what put Alexa down for the 3 count. Winner: Nikki Cross via Pinfall   Match Rating: **¾  We come back from the break to Nikki Cross who is excited about her win, Alexa walks up and tells Nikki that tonight she got one over on her and she is very happy for her and then Alexa tells Nikki that it’s time to focus on taking the title from Bayley.  I really enjoyed the promo from the Golden Role Models and the fact that they wanted the Women’s Evolution to end just because in their eyes it can’t get any better than them having all the gold. I liked that they had Nikki earn her rematch rather than automatically giving it to her. The match itself really surprised me as I wasn’t expecting it to be as good as it was, in fact, I would have to say that this is Alexa’s best singles match in quite a long time. I feel they are teasing Alexa turning on Nikki pretty soon and while I wouldn’t mind Alexa going back heel which is where she really excels I don’t think they need to be breaking up one of the very few women’s tag teams that they do have because the division is pretty scarce already. Sasha and Bayley were great on commentary and their back and forth with Michael Cole is always great. Just like last week, I didn’t like that Bayley got to make the match between Alexa and Nikki because she is not in a position to make those kinds of decisions, why didn’t they just have Stephanie show up on the tron just like she did Monday and make the match, I mean if wrestlers can now make matches why aren’t all of them just booking themselves into world title matches. I know people are tired of the authority figures in wrestling and while I would agree with that to some extent I feel they are needed in order to make sense of why certain matches are happening, if they have an authority figure for Raw and SmackDown that just shows up every once and awhile as William Regal does in NXT then it could work.  We then get a recap of the Swamp Fight before going inside the Firefly Funhouse. Once we are inside the Funhouse Wyatt says the Swamp Fight was fun and the fact that Braun Strowman came back home warms his heart. Wyatt understands that some are worried that Strowman is stuck in the nasty swamp forever but Wyatt assures us that everything in that swamp is 100% organic. We then start hearing strange noises that are coming from the head lantern but Wyatt tells it to hush as he is not letting him out again because he had his chance but now it’s The Fiend’s turn. Bray starts laughing and waves goodbye as this edition of the Firefly Funhouse comes to an end.  I liked this edition of Firefly Funhouse as I found it interesting how the lantern which represents the old backwoods cult leader part of Bray Wyatt’s mind still wanted out but Wyatt told it to shut up and he can’t let it out which means that for now, he has gone back to suppressing that part of his mind and because of what happened with Strowman the Fiend part of his mind has been awoken again and now it’s time for the even more demonic and evil part of his mind to take over and face Strowman, this was some really good shit.  We go to a recap of last week’s match between Matt Riddle and AJ Styles and then Matt Riddle makes his way to the ring as he is in action after the break.  Match #2: Matt Riddle vs Tony Nese Riddle takes Nese down with a waist lock takedown and then hits him with a couple of gutwrench suplexes and then hits a couple of brotons both to the front and back of Nese both of which result in 2 counts. Nese makes a comeback as he jumps over the top rope while at the same time he hangs Riddle throat first across the top rope and then he follows up with a big springboard moonsault for a 2 count. Nese locks in a bodyscissors but Riddle eventually gets to his feet with Nese on his back and then he tries to power Nese into position to hit the Bro Derrick, but Nese knees Riddle and escapes from the hold. Riddle hits Nese with a push kick that sends Nese into the corner where Riddle hits him with a couple of running forearms and then Riddle hits an exploder followed by a PK and then Riddle finishes things off by hitting Nese with the Bro Derrick for the win. Winner: Matt Riddle via Pinfall   Match Rating: **¼  After the match, Riddle gets on the mic and calls out King Corbin. King Corbin comes out and says that Riddle doesn’t get to just call him out as he has to put in a formal request but that request would most likely get rejected because Riddle doesn’t belong in his kingdom. Corbin says that Riddle may be new on SmackDown but that freshness will fade and after that is gone all that is left is a frat boy with no shoes who looks like he just rolled out of bed. Corbin then announces that he is putting a King’s Ransom out to anyone who can prove that Riddle doesn’t belong on SmackDown. Riddle says that he is not a subject in Corbin’s kingdom but rather Corbin is the next special guest on the Bro Show.  Tony Nese slides back in the ring and looks to capture the King’s Ransom but he immediately gets laid out with a roundhouse kick as the segment comes to a close.  The match itself was a fun little squash. I like the concept of Corbin putting a bounty on Riddle’s head as that makes this feud a little more interesting than it would’ve been otherwise as bounty storylines in wrestling are always fun when they are done right (Harley Race putting a bounty on Ric Flair’s head heading into Starrcade 1983 for the best example). This was a pretty tolerable Corbin segment as the promo was pretty quick and his time on the show was kept short which was nice.  We go to the back where John Morrison is talking to Miz about hashtags he could use for himself but Miz keeps rejecting them all and then they head to the ring for MizTV which is after the break.  Miz and Morrison are in the ring and welcome us to MizTV, Morrison continues to talk about hashtags for himself until Miz announces their special guest Naomi.  As Naomi comes to the ring Miz and Morrison are dancing in the ring with Miz really going over the top with the dancing, but Naomi isn’t impressed. Miz talks about how Naomi started trending on Twitter after last week with fans using the #NaomiDeservesBetter and Naomi replies that while it’s not always easy to come out to the ring with a smile on her face, she is able to do it because of all the support she has. That answer isn’t good enough for Miz so he digs in even deeper and asks why she always loses if she has all that support and this sets Naomi off and leads to her cutting a passionate promo where she says that she wasn’t trying to trend but then asks Miz to consider why people are behind her so much that they start a hashtag for her it’s because for the last decade whether she is in a match or stuck in a karaoke contest she shows up and gives it her all on a consistent basis and that’s why fans support her and want to see more of her.  Miz and Morrison then say things are going to get worse as they bring out their surprise guest Lacey Evans. Lacey starts to put on lipstick while she cuts a nonchalant promo where she asks Miz and Morrison if they have ever gotten their asses kicked so bad that they needed a pity hashtag in order to stay relevant and then she says that Naomi has been there for a decade and has nothing to show for it and this is enough to push Naomi over the line as she shoves Lacey which causes Lacey’s hand to slip and she now has red lipstick on her face and teeth and then we get a brawl between the two women which ends with Naomi getting the better of Lacey. The segment ends with Lacey storming to the back when she sees her lipstick all over her.  We need more of this Naomi on the mic as this was the most passion she has shown since she got into the WWE,  We got a recap of the SmackDown Tag Team Championship Tables Match from this past Sunday.  We go backstage where Big E is pacing in front of the trainer’s room which Kingston soon exits from and Big E asks him what the trainer said (about his injured ribs) and Kingston tells him that it’s not good as he is set to be out for the next six weeks, but on a positive note, he plans on taking those six weeks to spend more time with his family. Big E tells Kingston to take his time and when he gets back they will go back to chasing after those tag team championships, but Kingston tells him that he feels that this happened for a reason and now is the perfect time for Big E to shine on his own because for the first time since the formation of New Day both Woods and Kingston are on the sidelines. Big E tries to talk his way out of it a couple of times but Kingston is persistent as he says that Big E has been selfless for the past six years since New Day formed but it’s now time to show the world what Big E has to offer and that he has the blessing of both Woods and himself and this is enough for Big E to finally allow himself to be comfortable with going out on his own. Kingston tells him to put his meat on his meat and the two best friends hug.   This was by far my favorite moment of the night because it was simple and genuine and shows that you don’t need to always have a lot of over the top gimmicks and gaga to make special moments in wrestling. I love that Big E is getting a singles run without having to break up New Day or turn heel. If they really put everything behind this singles run and actually have him go for the Universal Title it could be bigger and create more buzz than when Kofi Kingston was having his run at the top last year because as much as people love Kingston I feel the love for Big E is even greater, Big E has a bigger personality than Kingston and in a lot of ways has been the star of The New Day. Seeing as both Kingston and Woods won’t be around I wouldn’t mind seeing Big E drop the comedy stuff for a while and be more serious like he was during this segment, but either way, I look forward to seeing what Big E does next.  AJ Styles makes his way to the ring as he will be on commentary for the next match after the break. Match #3: Shorty G vs Lince Dorado vs Gran Metalik vs Drew Gulak The winner of this match would face Styles next week for the Intercontinental Championship. LHP split off to face the other two men in the match as Dorado takes Shorty down with a dropkick and then LHP teams up on Gulak and he tries to fight them off but LHP hits him with a double hip toss and an assisted wheelbarrow senton. We then get a face-off between the two LHP members, Dorado with a single leg takedown and then we get a drop-down, leapfrog, and tumble over spot and then Metalik passes Dorado into the ropes where Gulak trips him up and pull him out of the ring so he can slam him on the floor.  Gulak gets back on the apron but is sent right back down to the floor with a running hurricanrana over the top rope. Metalik gets back in the ring and is having words with Gulak when Shorty G comes up from behind and attempts a German suplex but Metalik lands on his feet and then Shorty ducks a clothesline and takes Metalik down with a flying arm drag and then Metalik rebounds off the ropes with a handspring and a backflip which Shorty is able to avoid. Metalik hits a spin kick to the gut of Shorty and then walks the ropes where he comes off with a dropkick on Shorty for a 2 count when Gulak breaks up the pin.  Dorado hits a dropkick on Gulak and then works him over in the corner with strikes but Gulak reverses a whip into the corner moments later only for Dorado to leap up and over and then backflip all the way into the opposite corner and then Gulak runs into a boot and is then sent back out of the ring with another running hurricanrana. Dorado looks to dive out onto Gulak but Shorty tries to stop him buck Dorado ducks and takes out Gulak with a tope suicida. Metalik hits Shorty with an overhead kick and looks to hit a beautiful springboard crossbody but Shorty catches him in mid-air with a dropkick. Shorty goes up top and hits a moonsault to the outside which takes out all three of his opponents and this sends us to commercial.  We come back to Shorty working over Metalik and then he shoves Metalik into a back elbow from Gulak and then hits him with a back suplex which Gulak breaks up. We get a moment where everyone is trying to make quick pinfalls but they keep getting broken up. Gulak sends Dorado to the outside and then looks to hit Shorty with a snapmare but Shorty counters it into a backslide which leads to both men trading pinfall combinations none of which are successful. Shorty hits Gulak with a suplex and then Gulak is sent out of the ring. Shorty tries to go out after Gulak but Metalik cuts him off and both men are back in the ring. Shorty and Gulak double team Metalik and send him into the ropes but he comes back with a handspring back elbow that takes out both men. Dorado enters the ring and sends Shorty to the floor and then he goes to work on Gulak in the corner, Gulak reverses a whip into the corner but Dorado dodges a clothesline attempt and takes Gulak down with a springboard moonsault for a 2 count. Gulak rolls over to the corner and Dorado goes for a monkey flip but Gulak catches him and spins him around to where Dorado is on the top rope and Dorado comes off the top with a crossbody for another 2 count.  Gulak reverses another whip into the ropes and this time Dorado rebounds with a handspring stunner but once again Dorado only gets a 2 count as this time Metalik breaks up the pin. We get some words exchanged between LHP until Shorty shoves Metalik into Dorado and then he hits an exploder on both men. Shorty hits a running kapo kick on Gulak and Dorado who are stacked in the corner and then he completes the trifecta by taking Gulak down with an exploder as well. Shorty catches a charging Metalik and hits him with a nasty looking bridging back suplex for a 2 count. Shorty attempts a waist lock takedown but Gulak breaks the grip and transitions into Gu-Lock from a scoop slam position, Shorty gets to his feet while Gulak still has the hold locked in and then uses the ropes to flip behind Gulak so he can apply an ankle lock in the middle of the ring and when it looks like Gulak may get to the ropes Shorty falls back and grapevines the leg until the hold is eventually broken when Dorado hits a big splash off the top rope for a 2 count.  Dorado hits Shorty with a kick and then goes for the moonsault trifecta but when he goes for the final one off the top rope Gulak crotches him and then Gulak goes up for a back suplex but Shorty comes from behind and puts Gulak on his shoulders and then dumps him over the top rope to the floor. Shorty then runs up and hits Dorado with a German suplex off the top which sends Dorado out of the ring and this gives Metalik the opportunity to hit a rope walk elbow drop on Shorty to pick up the win. Winner: Gran Metalik via Pinfall   Match Rating: ***¼  After the match Styles enters the ring and offers to shake Metalik’s hand but before Metalik can extend his hand Styles slaps him in the face and then Dorado gets in Styles’s face which allows Metalik to recover and then he slaps Styles and follows up with a springboard DDT and then holds up the Intercontinental Title to end the segment.  This match came out of nowhere as there was no advertisement for it ahead of time even though it was for the number one contender spot for the Intercontinental Championship, but it definitely delivered and I was glad to see these four guys who are underutilized get a good chunk of time to go out and have a really great match and I would be completely fine if they decided title challengers in random matches like this especially if those title matches are only going to be for an episode of SmackDown and not a PPV. While I realize there is no chance that Metalik will win the title I am so happy to see him get the spotlight shined on him because he absolutely deserves it as he is so talented and always delivers in every match he is in. While Metalik is the talking point coming out of the match I don’t want to take away from his tag partner Lince Dorado who is also great and that splash he hit to break up the ankle lock looked really good.  We get a video package for Otis and Mandy Rose and it’s announced that they will be making their return next week. Nice to see that they are returning next week as the show has felt like it was missing something the last few weeks with both of them gone as well as Sonya Deville.  We cut to the back where Kayla Braxton interviews the new SmackDown Tag Team Champions Cesaro & Shinsuke Nakamura who talk about their title win at Extreme Rules and how they enjoyed putting Kingston through both tables and wish they could’ve done the same to Big E. They plan on running through all the teams on SmackDown.  After the crazy exciting week I had of getting hyped for the upcoming season of Big Brother 22 (which will be their second ever All-Star season and it starts on 8/5 for anyone who might want or need something to watch during their quarantine) and my mind is focussed on that by the time that Friday came I had absolutely forgotten that Cesaro and Nakamura won the tag titles the Sunday prior. While I guess it’s cool that they won the titles I have to say they won them at the absolute worst time as there are no babyface teams for them to face on SmackDown outside of Lucha House Party  We get a recap of the Jeff Hardy and Sheamus feud as the bar fight is coming up after the break. Match #4: Jeff Hardy vs Sheamus (Bar Fight) Sheamus enters the bar first (dressed like former TNA Wrestling star Aiden O’Shea) and takes a seat and asks if Hardy has shown up yet even though it is clear that he hasn’t arrived seeing that the bar is completely empty, moments later Hardy announces that he has arrived and instead of immediately starting the fight like you would expect Hardy decides to take a seat beside Sheamus and have a little chat. Hardy asks Jeeves the bartender for a glass of water and after a few minutes of just hanging out with his arch-nemesis Hardy finally decides to start the fight as he throws the glass of water in Sheamus’s face and away we go.  Hardy slams Sheamus’s face on the bar a few times until Sheamus comes back and slams Hardy back first on the bar with a side slam and then slides him down the entire bar as glasses and mugs break when he comes into contact with them and then when he gets to the end Sheamus hits Hardy with the ten beats of the bodhran and then dumps him on the floor. Sheamus takes his eyes off Hardy as he orders another drink but when he looks over Hardy is running down the bar and he takes Sheamus down with a flying clothesline off the bar but when he goes to pick Sheamus up he is shoved into the brick wall, but then he sends Sheamus into a wall of Jameson barrels. Hardy grabs some basketballs from one of those arcade-like games set up inside the bar and starts throwing them at Sheamus. Hardy and Sheamus start fighting in the back of the bar next to the bathrooms where Hardy grabs a keg but Sheamus prevents him from using it and then he hits Hardy in the back with it and then uses it to pin Hardy’s head up against the wall. Sheamus sends Hardy into the wall a couple of times and then slams the bathroom door into Hardy multiple times. Sheamus takes Hardy into the men’s bathroom and slams him head-first into the sink and then drags him over to the urinal and puts his face into it while he flushes it as he is trying to drown Hardy. Sheamus holds Hardy up so that he can look in the mirror and then starts talking trash and this gives Hardy an opportunity to fight back as he throws Sheamus into one of the stalls. Hardy starts crawling back toward the main part of the bar as Sheamus gets to his feet and starts his way back as well, but he is unable to find Hardy at first as Hardy had snuck into a supply closet and now is wielding a ladder which is repeatedly driven into the gut of Sheamus and then throws it at him. As Sheamus tries to recover from the ladder shots Hardy dives off the bar with a crossbody but Sheamus is able to catch him and rams him into the brick wall a couple of times. Sheamus grabs a guitar and looks to smash it across Hardy’s head but Hardy is able to duck and the guitar smashes against the brick wall. Hardy fights back with some right hands and clubbing blows but Sheamus reverses a whip which sends Hardy into a drum set and this sends us to commercial.  We come back from commercial to Sheamus screaming at Hardy who is still down after being sent into the drum set, Sheamus looks to hit the Brogue Kick but at the last second Hardy holds up a drum and Sheamus kicks that instead and puts his foot straight through it and then Hardy sends him into a table. Hardy tries to slam Sheamus head first on the bar but Sheamus blocks and slams Hardy’s face into the bar. Hardy ducks a clothesline attempt and hits Sheamus with a Twist of Fate. Hardy sets the ladder up next to the Jameson barrels and then drags Sheamus over to where the ladder is set up, but when Hardy goes to climb the ladder he is hit from behind by Jeeves the bartender who Hardy quickly deals with as he powerbombs him through a table. Sheamus takes advantage of Hardy’s focus being elsewhere and breaks a chair across Hardy’s back.  Sheamus grabs his hat from behind the bar and puts it over the face of Hardy and then takes his time as he goes over and pours himself a drink and then drinks it before going back over to Hardy but when he takes his hat off of Hardy’s face he sees that Hardy’s face is now painted and his eyes have changed. Hardy jumps up and starts beating the crap out of Sheamus and when Sheamus pushes Hardy away to create space between them Hardy grabs a bottle and breaks it over Sheamus’s head, Hardy climbs up the ladder and hits Sheamus with a Swanton Bomb off the top and that is enough to end this Bar Fight. Winner: Jeff Hardy via Pinfall   Match Rating: ***½  After the match, Hardy places Sheamus’s own hat on his face and then blinks his eyes to turn them back to normal and then he calmly walks out of the bar through the back door to end the show.  I have to say that although this feud between Sheamus and Hardy has been absolutely horrid and completely tasteless this blow-off to the feud was pretty damn good and much better than I expected it to be, even though I thought the part where Hardy has a chat with Sheamus before the fight was dumb. Hopefully, this is the end of this feud and both men can move on to bigger and better things. This was a pretty good episode of SmackDown I really don’t have anything to complain about as everything was a hit for me on the show. I thought all the matches were really good and we got some nice development on storylines including the much-anticipated singles run for Big E. That’s it for me this week I’ll be back next week when it will only be five days until the start of the next season of Big Brother which for the next three months will be more important to me than wrestling is.

[elitemarketingpro5-blog]

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The Third the reason why Network Marketing works is because really based on a social wave dating back to ancient times. The particular wisdom of our fore daddies still resonate in the traditions of Network Marketing, as they speech words of liberation on the list of oppressed and those subjugated by simply Pharos, Cesar's other lord kings and their governments. That they spoke their wise phrases which has at the heart of the meaning the UNMEASURABLE VALUE OF ANYBODY and sent out the separated with the words, "go out and make disciples of the world" and so two by 2, they went out and their issuing message is carried out by individuals still committed to this vision.

This is why Network Marketing works.

Some sort of mission that speaks on the person and tells him/her that their is no reason you should feel like you aren't are generally be fulfilled as a individual. People are attracted to Network Marketing given that they feel encouraged by, not simply the message, but with the example leaders in the industry display in service of one another.

Multi-level marketing offers, without regards on their race, color, creed, nationality or economic situation, the opportunity to obtain their dreams through a motor vehicle that is meant to provide the monetary means and the personal expansion for an equal platform for all of us.

This opportunity and its strategy attracts the most committed as well as sincere servers of humankind. The leaders and control of the many Network Marketing companies are absolutely committed to the success of the testers that marry their lifestyles and dreams to the market.

Is there bad people out there profiting from others that make people inquire why Network Marketing has a awful rep? Yes.

Is just about any industry, charity or corporation free of rotten apples? ZERO!

The reason why Network Marketing has a undesirable reputation is far from purpose and is nowhere close to truth.

The bursting of the real estate property bubble and the victimizing on the subprime markets by loan companies is exponentially a whole lot worse than all lawsuits in any Network Marketing history put together. Precisely what Bernie Madoff did inside the securities industry is greatly worse than any poor rumor about why Multi level marketing has a bad reputation. As a former in the construction industry more than half my life and all what exactly I've seen makes Internet marketing seem like Zion.

- The complexities for these problems eludes to your greater cultural problem a large number of Network Marketing companies are dedicated to resolve through responsible consumerism.

Why then Network Marketing has a bad standing? I can't be sure but I am able to give a pretty good idea. It can be because its unconventional. It can weird for people to see a whole lot positivity and generosity.

Is actually weird for people so dependant upon their jobs for economic security and only have their careers to fall back about (so much for security) to see that others are daring enough to live and struggle and hurt for a wish or a purpose.

It's odd to many that so many people are certain to get together and cheer an individual on that isn't wearing the football helmet.

Misery likes company and when you are in the clouds some one on earth is eager to grab for your leg and get you down with them.

The many bad news about Network Marketing depends upon rumors of a lawsuit or possibly a cousin that lost the shirt because of a company. Normally are not there lawsuits in any enterprise? You should be afraid if you was to here that there is no such thing since lawsuits in Network Marketing. Would you want to sue somebody who have doesn't make any money?

Multilevel marketing will continue to grow and also flourish as more item companies find that leveraging men and women and their relationships at a talk about in the profit is the best approach to establish their brand, specially with the availability of social media containing refined free advertising.

Being a manufacturer, would you like to pay $1,000,000 in media and promotion for the chance of getting buyers or would you rather shell out a commission for every product or service sold without having to gamble using your money? Yes, a pet bird in the hand beats a couple of in the bush. And this is why Multi-level marketing is so attractive to many businesses.

Not all Network Marketing companies provide you the same opportunity. Some present massive bonus' for hiring and sell you the dream of eventually having enough residual level in your organization to be able to be given a worthy retirement. Network Marketing businesses that serve this type are companies that offer telephony or energy services.

The causes most in those organizations don't ever make anything is because there is very little continuing paid out and qualifying for your small percentage is challenging in those companies. rapid the lure of people acquiring paid for something they are going to perform anyways, which is pay any bill, does not stand in the eye of reality when When you qualify for the residual, it is nickels that are being paid out.

Other companies give a product through a binary payment plan which is great for specialized recruiters and marketers but it really is very difficult for your average person to make a buck.

The most successful companies offer the personal growth and an environment that allows you to have great results, probably not in the Network Marketing firm you are in but through the connection with those involved in your corporation you become a better professional and even more effective as a person. This kind of takes years of building along with growing with those in the organization.

Every rare from time to time there comes along an opportunity with the obligation product, right direction, appropriate ideals, and the right settlement plan that shows what exactly the ownership is contemplating. These opportunities are several and timing is important. So the famous saying moves, the t in moment is bigger than the testosterone levels in talent.

The real possibility is when a company is usually conscientious about their reps regarding the message about supplying everybody a chance.

A company who may have a real product that provides a true service of real worth, and a compensation plan that is certainly transparent enough that it will give you a clear idea of what the control is thinking.

A company which offers you all the educational for you to refine yourself as a particular person while paying you that which you deserved for the time an individual dedicate representing them in addition to living their opportunity.

[nerdygaymormon]

THE FAMILY: A PROCLAMATION TO THE WORLD

I’ve been rereading the Family Proclamation and have some thoughts. 

“marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God“ - it doesn’t say this is the ONLY marriage arrangement that is ordained of God

“the family is central to the Creator’s plan” - there are many models of what a family looks like, and these are all part of “the Creator’s plan”

“ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God... Gender is an essential characteristic” - it is interesting that these two statements are together. You know how we say ‘A to Z’ or ‘Alpha and Omega’ as a way to say these two and everything in between, could that be true of “male and female”...and everything in between? Science teaches that gender is a spectrum, could this spectrum be eternal? 

Also, this seems to be saying that God is both feminine and masculine, not one or the other.  

My trans friends generally don’t have an issue with the statement that gender is eternal. Their spirit’s gender and their body’s sex don’t align, but yes, their spirit has a gender that existed premortally and will exist after this mortal life. 

I also think of how the word “eternal” is often used as a title for God. Immortality and eternal life are two different things. Gender being eternal could mean gender is of God, not that it is fixed and can’t change or progress. 

“God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.“ - This is a commandment in general, humankind is to continue to have future generations. This does not mean all individuals must have children. In fact, many cannot have children and they’re still allowed to marry. They might adopt or become foster parents or maybe not have any children.

“the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.” - In the temple the language is different. For decades it was stated in a way that can include same-sex marriages, “with their husband or wife.” In 2019 this was changed to “legally and lawfully wedded according to His law.” Gay marriages are legal and lawful. The leaders can define ‘His law,’ but so can gay couples who feel they have been told by the Spirit their relationship is allowed and welcome. 

“Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” - The word “entitled” bothers me. If it means that children are “deserving” of these things, okay, but many children are born to parents who aren’t married or are raised in a single-parent home or get kicked out of a two-parent home. What difference does it make to them that this document says they’re “entitled” to something different? And there’s plenty of families with a mom & dad that are dysfunctional and aren’t good for children. 

When this document was written, gay marriage was not yet legal. We now have studies that show children who are raised by a same-sex couple don’t do any worse than children raised by an opposite-sex couple. In fact, studies suggest the best arrangement for children seems to be having 2 moms. And because fathers who are straight men are more likely to be abusive or preoccupied with their careers than other parents, they bring down the averages so that statistically most any arrangement of a family without them can be better for children. 

“Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.” - Let’s examine how Jesus did family. In the New Testament He is not portrayed as married or as having children, He doesn’t perform marriages. He attended at least one wedding so He’s not against marriage, although He does not command us to marry nor to have children. Jesus redefined family to privilege chosen family over biological family. Jesus didn’t favor supremacy of one gender over another, in Romans 16 ten women are named, 8 of whom are church leaders, including a deacon, a teacher and an apostle. Jesus doesn’t have anti-gay or anti-trans teachings. The teachings of Jesus on family seems pretty inclusive.

“fathers are to preside over their families...Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.” - How sad the father’s role says nothing about nurturing and raising his children. His sole responsibilities are to preside, provide and protect. And what about working mothers, does this statement mean they’re violating their divine gender role? I have friends where the wife works and the husband is the stay-at-home dad and that works well for their family. 

People like to say that women are naturally more nurturing. Perhaps that’s so, but if we put the nurturing instinct of men and women on bell curves, there will be men who are more nurturing than some women. 

“Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.” - I suppose sexual orientation or gender identity would count as “other circumstances” for an adaptation. Essentially this phrase exempts queer people from the rules laid out, this is a Proclamation for cis/het people.

“the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities” - Too often this means “we gotta stop the gays,” but by opposing gay marriages, that is disintegrating actual families, some of which have children. 

“WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.” - This is the final sentence. This document is a call to take action. The LDS Church has used it in their briefs to the courts advocating against legal rights & recognitions for queer people.  

It seems to me this sentence could be a call for measures to strengthen families. For example, to not split apart families by immigration laws, increasing aid to families in poverty, paying for children’s education, having work environments that don’t encourage parents to work long hours, providing good quality affordable day care, paid maternity/paternity leave, livable wages, working to reduce violence and sexism, offering affordable & accessible health care, giving the children and spouse of a gay person the same benefits & legal protections as straight couples.

————————————————————

I have issues with how the Proclamation has been used. Rather than a call to boost support for couples and the raising of children, it’s used to stop people from being with the people they love and deciding some families are more valuable than others. It’s used to oppose queer people who are asking to be treated fairly and equally. Queer people aren’t even in this document. How come I don’t hear this document read at church to rail against about abuse or to advocate for positive legal changes benefiting families? 

This document says much about what Church leaders think is the ideal family. Instead of preaching the ideal family, wouldn’t it be better to talk about family ideals? Things like love, compassion, trust, responsibility, forgiveness, honesty, integrity, hard work, service, kindness, loyalty and inclusiveness. Families can look like a lot of things, there’s not just one configuration of people who qualify as a family. Let’s honor all families as holy, let’s recognize the good and beauty families add to the world and to the lives of those who exist within them. 

I know I’ve been critical of parts of the Family Proclamation, but there are many principles in the Proclamation I like, including the idea that we’re each divine and are loved by Heavenly Parents, that loving family bonds will continue after mortality, children should be valued and loved and their physical and emotional needs cared for, and that spouses should help each other as equals. I like the importance of following the teachings of Jesus, including forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, and work. 

[breathe-smiles]

pt i. fragile notes

prologue:

i hope you’re not reading this. you know who you are. i can’t think of a reason why you would be [reading this], but in the slightest chance that you are, i hope you stop eventually (or at least come to an understanding of why you do continue to).

this piece is all about you. you’re enlaced in every word and punctuation. but i promise that it’s for me and i’m the reason i’m writing. i forget that this blog is my space - the only space i let myself be unapologetic, completely honest, and brutally real. so if you’re looking for something written to and for you, open any of #s 1 through 10, even if you’re still afraid to.

this piece is a collection of things i’ve jotted down over this period of time in between my last letter to you and now. these are feelings and emotions and thoughts that i have not been able to address, process, comprehend, or make sense of. these are things i’ve put on hold.

i’m in a headspace i’ve never been in before. i am encountered by circumstances i don’t know how to overcome. i actually thought i knew it all this time around - how to deal with any insecurity, separation or loss, heartache, growing pain, or communication issue. but once again, my fate has taken me on a path that is so indecipherable. what’s guiding me? where does it want me to go? is it taking me somewhere? where do i turn?

my sense of direction is pretty skewed to be upfront. i haven’t had to deal with a curve ball in quite some time. i’ve been meticulously in control for a long while. and it’s been great paving my own path; in the past 2 and a half years, i’ve learned a lot about the kind of person i want to be and how to potentially get myself there.

but now life’s in flux again. i’m feeling things that contradict each other; my thoughts are so mixed up i almost feel numb. i feel so much that i feel almost nothing. i wonder if this is a product of your departure or the arrival of a new period of growth - perhaps both (because they’re separate, but not mutually exclusive).

so, here are some fragile notes. my goal is to sort through them until i make sense of them. i want to reestablish my grasp on my being and my journey, because my life at the moment feels all over the place. i’ve always strived to create a world for myself that’s black and white, a place where everything has its boundaries and is clear. now that i’ve been in gray zone for a while, i want to gain a better understanding of where i’m headed and where i’d like to be headed. because the future’s in my fate, but it’s also in me. the roads are paved, but i’ve got the steering wheel. i’ll buckle up, i guess.

revisitings + expansions of already written words

i’ve been trying to convince myself that you don’t mean the world to me but you do, and you might always will. at least a little bit? you walked into my life and demonstrated to me what love could be (even redefined what i wanted it to be). despite knowing that there’s always going to be somebody better, you are, quite simply, all i really need.

i want to apologize to myself every time i choose to love you more than i love me. that’s every time i hold back from calling you drunk, every time i stop myself from asking you to be in my life again, every time i feel like i’m falling apart and i know you know how to fix me - but i know i’d never let my broken parts get in the way of you being absolutely carefree and happy. i apologize to myself that i can compromise giving in if it means something better for you, if it means giving you a better chance at being content. i apologize to myself for all the little times i put you above me, even if it only proved to me that my love for you was genuine.

why do we let beautiful things die?

they do say if you love something, let it go - and if it comes back to you, it’s yours.

i’ve recently come to the conclusion that it’s been difficult not saying your name out loud because you’re relevant in so many contexts. i don’t think i’ve stopped talking about you since we’ve broken it off, and not even on purpose. i wrote you into my future; i talked about you because you were in the infrastructure of so much of my life. i didn’t do it on purpose, that much is clear to both of us. we tried so hard not to do it when we were together, but i guess i did subconsciously because it was so easy to. you made sense with me. you made a place for yourself in my universe so effortlessly. you became embedded into my world. my future entwined itself with parts of you so much so that my future became you, even though it wasn’t supposed to. upon your departure, it took me a long time to understand why i wasn’t in pain. i understand now it’s because it didn’t even feel like you were gone (but now it does, and i think you really are gone). my future was you but it’s supposed to be me. isn’t that what you always believed? that your future was and will always be you? perhaps there was never even a place for me.

as i was assembling all of your things into a box, something i didn’t get to do until thanksgiving, i realized there were just too many pieces of you in my surroundings. objects of utility that have become a part of my daily life, small tickets from places we had gone that i had superglued to my door, my toothbrush and turtle anklet and that gigantic plush bunny you helped me carry back to my house. there are parts of you in my life i still don’t quite know how to delete. there are objects i don’t know how or where to put away. you’ve left your mark. some days i can still feel you sitting on my bedroom floor, and other days i can’t shake the image of us laying on my bed crying on our last day together. man, that shit makes my heart drop.

i’ve said goodbye to you more times than i can count. i’ve said goodbye to you so many fucking times and it jeopardizes my need for ultimatum, something i’ve always achieved with my last letter. unfortunately, it’s not been the same in your case. i’ve declared that i’m over you, still in love with you, angry at you, sulking over you, again and again in cycles that it stopped making sense to me to declare anything at all. do i love you? do i hate you? do i blame you or do i blame myself? am i over you? am i not? maybe that’s just how this life thing works - you can’t always be sure i suppose. i just wish i didn’t feel like i needed clarity to properly function and exist.

i don’t know if you ever really understood how you made me feel. the security and comfort you brought into my life, like i could see everything in a blink finally working out, like years of floating not knowing where things were going finally pulled down with gravity towards reality. you made me feel like everything was coming together. you made me feel okay, merely solid for once in my life. i’ve never ever felt as okay as i did with you. maybe i don’t feel quite okay right now, but i know i will be. because i have to be eventually, right? or at least that’s what my best friend tells me when i ask him if i’m going to be alright.

your departure feels like a slap in the face, a reality check, that things don’t work out like they feel like they’re supposed to, that your fate and your growth and your life may very well have always been separate from mine. maybe we are no longer together because we were never a unit. we were two distinct beings tied in pinky promises and interlocked hands, like a string tied in a knot eventually coming loose.

now that you’re gone and you love another and you’re growing with somebody else, i feel an odd sense of separation and distance that i don’t know how to explain. it’s like a discrepancy that i can’t make up for, like you are morphing into a person that is unfamiliar to me, a person different from the one i remember and held close and adored, like i don’t know you like that anymore. and though it’s not surprising that you’ve moved on to somebody else, it’s somewhat unsettling because you were somebody i was committed to knowing forever. one sided things have never been my groove, and maybe here knowing that you’re holding somebody new so close, you really did lose me.

maybe you’re still you, and i’m sure you’re still you. you’re just taking on parts of yourself that you have yet to find and keep finding. that was the agenda, wasn’t it? so perhaps i am overthinking and perhaps i am doing the same. perhaps i am doing everything you’re doing - growing, discovering, creating, and attempting at loving - but my brain is villainizing you because i feel like the stupid one. for believing that we were something so incredibly irreplicable and special and unique, that our love was something maybe so extraordinary that it was all only in my head and not yours. my anxieties always try to discredit the love i experience through my relationships, like these loves are not as grand as they might’ve felt. and i wonder if that holds true for our love, too: was it just as ordinary as any other?

we are not a fairytale. while i’ll care about you forever, i’m the only one in this world that loves me more than anyone else could. that means doing what’s best for me, understanding you don’t love me like i always thought you would. the dreams and the fantasies and the idealizations and the pedestal i put you on - it’s all in my fucking head. and i need to throw that shit out if you’ve moved on, you know? i don’t sulk on what’s not mine.

i’ve been unsettled with the idea of losing you for a long time but i find a slight comfort, something eerie inside of me, simultaneously making me want to fly and glow and shine, but also very sick to my stomach, that maybe i’ve already lost you. here i am holding onto the slight intuition that you’ll be here again one day, something that we said we could feel in our stomachs, something like a 6th sense. months of fluctuating between knowing you’re gone and knowing you’ll be back, counting on the fact that you are something so amazing that i’ll probably never be able to replicate, comparing everybody i could love to you and saying how could this person ever measure up. but who am i kidding? you’ve long moved on. you left and you found a new world where there’s no place for me. and maybe deep inside of me, i always knew there was no place for me, that maybe i was never essential, never needed, and i know still very clearly i am not - and it’s never hurt me because i know you and how you are. i was an episode and a companion for only a period of time, a character that only made sense in part of the plot. but i also know, as perfect as i make you out to be, that this is not what i want out of a lover or a partner. i shouldn’t feel unnecessary. i know i deserve better. i know i deserve more.

when have i ever been afraid of loss? when have i ever not known what to do with a vulnerable heart and some disappointment? i have navigated through these emotions prior to this. every healing journey is different and so is every period of growth, but i can hold onto where i’m heading. i know where my hope and my faith can take me. i know fate’s doing its thing. i know there’s something bigger and brighter and better out there calling my name, pulling me towards it - even if i don’t know what it is right now.

and i’ve spent these past few months hoping the prettiest things for you, the most beautiful moments and experiences, the happiest and most enlightened you could be. but i need to start wishing these things upon myself. i’ve given you every last bit of love i wouldn’t feel guilty giving you. it’s time for me to love me. what do i want? how do i get there? what bits about myself are in for reform? is this a solo journey or do i let people in? it’s in flux. maybe gray zone is not so bad. i feel myself growing. i just want a sense of direction.

i’m going to be patient with myself because i always am. i will not let anything even scratch my well-being.��so that’s that, right? detox, breathe, and feel again. rebuild, construct, create, and rise. isn’t that what i do best?

to you: i hope you find what makes you weak. i hope you find what makes you crazy. i hope you find what you can’t live without and i hope you find what has the power to kill you. you’ve never had weaknesses to me; nothing could ever make you soft. but there’s strength in letting things make you soft - and i hope you find that.

there’s beauty in coexisting between the delicate and the indestructible. i know who i am and i know what i can do and i know as shaky as i may be, i am capable of shaking the world. i am a powerhouse even if i don’t believe it sometimes. so what’s a loss of a boy that i loved gonna do to me?

i find it interesting that our breakup was essentially us moving to different cities and turning off love switches for the other person. needless to say, i never knew love worked like that. but i guess since i’m writing this, it doesn’t work like that (at least not for me).

i knew it was over when i listened to the way you talked about her. it’s okay; i know how to stand on my own two feet. you’re not holding me up anymore but i’m still steady.

what i’ve learned from our breakup is that your dreams and your goals can exist at the same time as people you love. you can grow as an individual despite being with somebody you love. i didn’t do what was true to me when it came to our breakup and loving you. my truth is that love is stronger than anything else. i didn’t stick around to prove that. i didn’t give it my best shot. and for a little bit, i think i hated myself for it. but i remember that i am only one half of me and you, so maybe we just weren’t meant to be.

something has to fucking change.

i am having trouble processing our breakup because it’s filled with contradictions. why did i let you go when i knew i loved you? was my love for you really the reason i let you go? who would i be if you were still in my life? just how sure was i about you? why do i find it difficult to open up after you? why do i constantly remember all the ways you took care of me so perfectly? am i really not ready to move on? where do i stand emotionally? am i over you or not? i know you prioritize yourself more than anything, but were we really something you could let go of so easily? do we have different perceptions of our relationship? why do i feel like i’ve always been on the same page as you, but i’m trailing behind so far now? did i believe in us more than you did? was i the only one that thought our love was so special? was that discrepancy always there? did months of mental preparation for our breakup do anything for me? these questions fucking suck.

i have to remember that every period of growth is different and i can’t expect the same things to happen in cycles. just because i know how a breakup goes doesn’t mean it’s going to feel the same every time. it’s scary because it’s unfamiliar. it’s scary because you don’t know what’s gonna happen. breathe. take it easy. (i sound like jay but these are honestly probably his words.)

i guess we didn’t have as coherent as a partnership as i thought if we just gave our relationship up so easily. we didn’t even put up a fight. we didn’t even try. i’m ashamed i thought we stood a chance against forever.

i guess we let this go because it wasn’t good enough to keep around. our love felt like something else, but it still wasn’t enough to stay.

the amount of growth i’ve experienced in the past decade has morphed me into completely different people at different points in time. but i somehow feel like i’ve always been consistent in lots of ways. i wonder which parts of me have been held constant and which parts of me have continued to change. will these parts always stay the same and will these other parts always be temporary?

there are moments where i’m taken over by memories of us in all the places we got to see together. i don’t even try to think about them, but they just reappear in my mind. living with you, being on a plane with you, figuring out maps with you, learning about the world with you. philadelphia and los angeles have taken on new meanings for us, but upon revisiting these memories, i realize i lost my most intimate companion. i don’t think i can call you my best friend, nor were you simply my lover, but i did lose my most immediate connection in proximity. i was supposed to do so much with you. i guess the worst part is knowing very well we were capable of it.

i let you define home and now new york city is just you everywhere i go. fuck that shit. this is my city. i’m reclaiming my space. my bed. the 7 train. the church we’d volunteer at. central park. college point boulevard. driving lessons. your parking spot. my sheets. the front porch. new york is mine. i can’t let you define what new york is to me. i shouldn’t be afraid to come back to my city just because you exist in its crevices. this is my home. our last memories here are not. you are not.