#The Void sees little wrong with how everyone has been feeling and the actions they all take; Xe has no issue with any of them actually

[freezinglemur]

It burns…it hurts. 

It hurts so much.

Slow, shaky breathing is the only sound to leave the little sapling as it lays in the grass, keeping its eye shut.

Why? It had tried so hard…it had one job! One purpose! And now? Now?! Now…now it just hurt.

Hate. They should feel so much hate, but it is too tired now to feel such a thing in the way it thinks it should.

It almost wants to cry, not that it has much energy for that either if it wanted to.

Their few thoughts are paused by a gentle touch. It’s…familiar, and cooler in temperature. It doesn’t burn. Somehow it's simultaneously and contradictorily warm in a sense, but not in the same way fire is. They can’t explain the sensation, but it knows who the sensation belongs to.

The void gently brushes one of their hands over the little spirit’s head. 

Why didn’t xe just give up? Feel disdain towards it like everything else? Why hadn’t they fought it like the burning ram had, even upon knowing its intentions fully? It should hate that being, but it can’t find the energy to right now. Xe did get them free, it supposed, even if it was all for not. It should–

“Shh…”

The thoughts pause again. The burns…hurt slightly less where the void lays xir hand.

“You did your best. It is time to rest now, Birch. She’ll be here to collect you soon.”

She…? Master…?

It’s hard to say, the sapling is exhausted. The void tucks a small, familiar lantern under the tree’s cloak. It limply rests its hands around it…something else to focus on. It was nice to not have darkness for a time. What a waste, now…maybe they will keep it. Out of spite–that’s all…yeah. Just...just out of spite. Right.

It feels the void rise, the figure gently removing their hands and taking a few steps back. A tendril still holds on a moment longer. Perhaps they’ll stay...?

It isn’t long before Birch is scooped up by someone else, however; someone…familiar in a different way. The void says a farewell to the sapling, and to whomever has picked it up, but the little tree doesn’t process the words well, and they cannot answer. The tendril gently falls away, returning to its owner.

The spirit feels so weak, and so tired…so very, very tired.

‘It’s time to rest, little sapling. Until we meet again.’

It gives in, it falls asleep.

And Hex departs with it in her arms.

(Based on the events of @ask-the-secret-weapons (Bonus below))

The two share a brief glance. They share an understanding, somehow, perhaps if only due to the tree and their connections to it.

Opal, as they call their vessel, stands and watches Hex depart. They hold no malice towards her nor the sapling; in xir mind, it hardly did anything wrong.

All the grudges, sins, hatred, and malice from being trapped so long–those souls had every right to feel as they did in their restlessness, and the tree only was fulfilling its given orders and purpose. Very little wrong with that, in the Void’s many eyes.

The horned god of the hearth hardly did anything wrong either; He was created, though told little of his purpose. Sentient with the ability to question, he deserved answers, to think, and to choose what to do. While Opal had hardly expected such a hasty decision to release little Birch from the burning Ram, they did not blame the Wickerman for his choice. Very little wrong with that, in the Void’s many eyes.

The town itself. It has done many wrong, and many right. Some deserve the wrath that was coming, some may not, but no one particularly wants to die. They are not wrong for wanting to preserve themselves, either. Very little wrong with that, in the Void’s many eyes.

The Phalanx. Believing they could contain things forever, they have grown so accustomed to disaster being contained or controlled. They have lulled themselves into a false sense of security, believing they are forever on top. That they can use these “secret weapons” as they call them, for whatever they please one day. “Strength in Control,” and yet, they have little control now. Perhaps they can lie to themselves longer. Rather amusing, in the Void’s many eyes.

The rest of the “weapons” themselves…quite the collection. A shame, a princess stolen away, what is she without her people, twisted into a form meant for war? What would the supercomputer think if she knew what had happened to this old friend, would she morn? A doctor, kept complacent by its programing, his only purpose to make others “happy,” what is he when forsaken? An escaped employee of this superstructure, running to make a life for himself away from disassembly; is he wrong for wanting and taking such a freedom? 

They cry out for aid, it is a shame, in the Void’s many eyes. The Void hears all the cries which do not manage to reach anyone else, desires that hide deep within, the void listens, and it provides its own aid in certain ways.

Alton, you are supposed to heed the call of your creations, and yet you give them silence. You shirk your responsibilities, and they pay the price.

And in the Void's many eyes...

There is something wrong with that. 👁

[gliphyartfan]

Your dear double anon has returned

Anyway, I hope you had a good night's sleep and breakfast, because I'm back with more thoughts on LU I had this at 4am when I couldn't sleep (that's exactly why this sounds so far-fetched and mixed, perhaps a little meaningless(?)

I've been thinking a lot about Villain Chain lately, you know, by cloudninetonine. Also in humans are hylian space orc reader but that comes later and thinking a lot about cloudninetonine basically since I reread his/her mess au.

This is all set in mess au, in fact.

So far I have only found three writings that involve them and I have not found any more, which is a shame, because I'm interested in the concept of when a hero is a villain and a villain is a hero, I've always been a fan of role reversals in any context.

And one of the writings I read was about how they became like this when their guide/Reader/player died and they made a huge statue for them as a tomb and they see the guide/Reader/player from the original chain and kidnap them to maintain it and so on (this no has minimal relevance, I just woke up very talkative, although I'm sure I sent you messages yesterday)

Yeah, wrong, but I've kept them in mind because, remember the yandere version of cloudninetonine's chain? Where they're older and guide/reader/player isn't really their guide/reader/player but they think it is? Well, here I came up with an interesting continuation.

guide/reader/player is not really the guide from the original chain either.

Whether it's Dark Link or Villain Chain, they corner the reader and are like 'aha! You have no escape, little guide' and with a blank expression guide simply (when the adrenaline and fear have passed), grabs the blade of the sword that is pointing at their neck and bends it.

Here is the first clue that something is wrong, if it is Dark Link, whether by this action or not, he realizes that there is something wrong with the guide, it is not as he remembers it. If it is Villain Chain, there is bewilderment because the guide who described that shadow that plans to betray them did not resemble the guide they had before them who was not affected by magic, potions or weapons.

is not the guide that Dark Link remembers or that he described to Villain Chain because it turns out that is not the guide either, Reader is a guide but not of that specific chain.

Either because Hylia was confused or she searched for a stronger guide/Reader to stop Dark Link she simply looked for a Reader/Guide who she felt had even a modicum of power over the Hylians and found Guide/Reader from Human are Hylians Space Orc.

But that's where my train of thought ends.

Looking back after getting a proper night's sleep and reading this out loud, I feel like this was so far-fetched but my tired, sleep-deprived brain couldn't figure it out in time.I'm not particularly satisfied with these ideas, but perhaps I'll salvage something for the future.

Or maybe I'm thinking of ideas for a Villain Guide/Reader/player getting to know everyone, seeing as how no one has really done anything like this and some players can be evil in video games.

—double anon (since you already know my problem with Tumblr and the fact that I have to send at least two messages for one to arrive, I wasn't sure if I should give myself a name because my attention span It's null and void and I bounce from fandom to fandom every week. and I disappear the moment I decide to give myself a anon name, but I've been paying attention to Linked Universe for over a month, and I think that's reason enough to know that I won't disappear anytime soon, although I have your Tumblr profile saved in my Google bookmarks anyway so I'll still come visit even if it disappears)

This is a doozy. (Quite the long one, tad overwhelming. 😅) I’m not that familiar with villain chain? Let’s see what I can do with what I can figure out.

One thing I realized is that When Reader sees how the Villain Chain practically worships them, they’re baffled.

To this Reader, adventure games are meant to be just that, games.

The idea that she’d be revered as an actual deity is unsettling, and she’s torn between keeping up the act to protect herself or leveling with them. If she lets on that she isn’t their Guide, the Chain only becomes more obsessed, deciding she needs saving from whatever memories she’s ‘lost.’

And if she realized the Chain has suffered from the loss of THEIR Guide, Reader tries to gently reason with them, perhaps offering compassion?

Big mistake sadly. The moment they show even a hint of softness, the Chain decides Reader has truly “returned” to them. They double down on their devotion, misinterpreting kindness as affection, and it fuels their possessiveness.

To jog ‘memories,’ the Villain Chain might recreate locations or scenes from the past with the old Guide.

They could go to absurd lengths ya know, clearing whole areas, painting fake backdrops, even dressing up in the same worn, ragged clothes they had when they met the Guide. Reader plays along, but she’s constantly trying to figure out an escape plan, as she now knows nothing she says or does will convince them she’s not their Guide.

The Chain takes turns watching Reader, monitoring her behavior for signs that she’s “returning” to them. This means Reader can hardly go anywhere without someone at her side or in the shadows. Even a sigh or a glance could be analyzed endlessly.

Twilight would try to remind Reader of the old days by isolating her in forests or mountainous regions, telling tales of their past escapades.

He thinks being in these familiar places will awaken her ‘true self.’ But when this doesn’t work, he only becomes more frustrated, insisting that Reader must remember and that her real memories are just buried.

Hyrule would repeatedly try to heal Reader, convinced they’re suffering from some curse.

Every time Reader resists or tells him to stop, he assumes it’s the curse talking and only becomes more insistent, going as far as sneaking healing spells while she’s asleep or distracted.

[hyunfilms]

blue side of the sky (lmh) | 15.5 [cloudy days] kat

♡ spotify playlist | series masterlist

—15.5 [CLOUDY DAYS] kat's thoughts

—WORD COUNT: 0.8k

—ON ROTATION: i hate u - sza

Kat knew she shouldn't have done this from the beginning. It started off with a blossoming friendship that turned into something more, something unexpected. But, to be honest, she couldn't help herself when Minho started reciprocating the attention, the thrill, the excitement.

She knew she shouldn't, and she should've known that this was wrong— that Minho was wrong, that the both of them were wrong. This wasn't meant to be, even through the false sense of security he gave her.

She never had Minho in the first place.

Over time, she felt like she did. She felt like she had Minho, especially when he broke the news that you and him had broken up. That things had run its course, that he wasn't sure how to fix this; how to fix you. Kat genuinely wanted to be there for him first and foremost. She didn't know much about you, but she knew you were very well-liked and a top student. You were the girlfriend that Minho adored, that everyone adored.

Everything she wasn't.

Slight jealousy and envy could do so much damage, and Kat found herself spiraling deep into that mess when things got a little deeper with Minho. When she opened herself up, when she trusted him. But he never wanted her the same way she did. And she was hoping things could change. That maybe, if she acted a little different, opened herself up more than she already has— Minho would see her differently and change his mind. That maybe they could work. She couldn't see that she was just an after-thought, someone to get his mind off of things, someone he could use as a release. She wanted to fix him so badly, when in the end, Minho just wanted to fix you, to fix the relationship.

Not her.

Never her.

All of this wasn't genuine. And it hit her hard when she realized, finally fucking realized, that he didn't want her in the same way.

It was never her in the beginning, and she shouldn't have done this. Or else, she wouldn't be crying herself to sleep. She wouldn't be second-guessing every thing about herself every time she looks at herself in the mirror. She wouldn't be angry, frustrated, fuming. She wouldn't be wishing she did things differently. She fell way too deep only to be nothing in the end.

Because it was never her.

It was always going to be you. 

You were always going to be Minho's and Minho was always going to be yours. There was nothing she could do to fix him, nothing she could do to make the outcome different.

It was always going to be you.

And she hates Minho for that. For causing all of this mess, for dragging the both of you into it. She couldn't help herself when she woke up that morning— already finding herself marching over to the café before she could think twice about her actions. Now, she's sitting here, mascara running down her cheeks, hair a mess; crying tears that she didn't know she still had because she feels terrible and shitty. 

She feels terrible for having unloaded that on you, but she felt like you needed to know. She couldn't stand seeing you walk on cloud nine, seeing life through these rose-tinted glasses. She knows you've been through a lot, but Minho needed to wake up. Jisung needed to wake up. Life was not what it seemed, and you couldn't stand on that shaky foundation forever. 

She feels shitty because all of this mess, for what? Over Minho? Over stupid, one-sided feelings? For someone who would never see you in the same light as you do with them? After all of this, it still sings, but she knew it was time to finally close this chapter of the book. Move on, do better for herself. Find someone who could actually love her for who she is and won't treat her like an option, a convenience. Someone to fill the void. But until then, she'll pick her own head up. Pick up her own pieces. Seal the broken cracks on her own.

In the end, she still loses.

Never her.

It was always going to be you.

Though, this somehow [weirdly] feels like the closure she needed. The push that she needed to close this chapter in the book and move on for good. Minho wasn't good for her, he will never be. 

But most of all, she hates Minho because she cares about him and she doesn't think she could actually hate him at all. She hopes he can be a better man for you now. After all, it's just another unfortunate story of hers— one where she tried to desperately change someone who never really wanted her in the first place.

And that's her own fault for letting herself settle.

♡ taglist: @ppiri-bahng @jihanlovic @meloncremesoda @sweetlikecherry @asjkdk @hoes4lino @skzddicted @skzho @edgaralienpoe @harui-zen @bestleeknowstan @havenwithleeknow @septicrebel @heesdazed @borahae-reads @yoontaethings @pearbunny @bintificreads @lukeys-giggle @ajxreads @everglowdaisies @allaboutsan @endzii23 @leeknowsramen @heres-your-ramen2000 @morningstardada @mal-lunar-28 @downbadreading @lilysophie @feelikecinderella @urmomma0324 @ddazed-lhs @djeniryuu @melanctton @i8rsie @maru-matt @sleepyleeji @taerifin @nattisbored @jisunglyricist @m111nho @drhsthl @nixtape-foryou @arminseas @guiltycoco @syuuji @sulkygyu @cadihyo @reianagarcia @leeknowyah @smndjdufuehr @dprkbyn @xxibreinaxx @mxnsxngie @reiheis @mellowmentalitydragon @vixensss

[florallylly]

my PERSONAL OPINION on ro//nance: 

so a disclaimer: feel free to ship whoever you want to ship. these are just my thoughts and my perspective on the explosion of ro//nance since season 4. it’s not my intention to condemn or tell anyone to stop producing their content, i just want to scream into the void before it festers. 

your wish fulfillment is valid, but so is my opinion. so if that’s not smth you want to see feel free to skip !! 

diving straight in… i wanna talk about nancy wheeler. 

to be clear: i don’t hate nancy. i think she is headstrong and determined and knows what she wants. she sticks to her guns and definitely has the potential to be a truly good person. that being said, she is extremely selfish in canon. 

from season 1, my interpretation of her is that she’s infatuated with the concept of steve harrington and the status that he could bring. he’s a fantasy that’s suddenly become attainable to the nerdy miss wheeler. of COURSE she’s going to relish his attention. 

note: i actually don’t think anyone else except barb, mike, and steve himself, ever called steve an asshole. so . do with that what you will. 

anyway, nancy and jonathan act like steve suspecting that nancy is cheating is SO unreasonable. which honestly? it’s not. catching your girlfriend alone in her bedroom with a guy who TOOK NONCONSENSUAL ILLICIT PHOTOS OF TWO UNDERAGE TEENAGERS… that’s suspicious. perhaps his reaction wasn’t the best, but he’s also like 17 years old and protecting himself the way he knows how to. and of course his friends aren’t going to take that laying down either. 

i don’t know if any of the supporters of ro//nance have ever been cheated on, but it’s not just heartbreaking… it’s HUMILIATING. and such a hit to the self esteem. and i don’t care what the circumstance is, unless it’s nonconsensual. cheating is cheating and i firmly believe that a cheater will always be a cheater. 

in this case, it’s also reasonable for nancy to be pissed when she sees the movie theater because she didn’t actually cheat at that time. both of them had bad reactions but they also both had good reasoning behind their actions. 

YES steve called jonathan a queer, but keep in mind it’s a common insult in the 80s, especially with the AIDS epidemic going on. don’t use modern standards to condemn him, but also don’t excuse his behavior. YES he was wrong, but he grew (obviously what with his friendship with robin). and do you really think he’s not going to go for the throat when he thinks that jonathan slept with his girlfriend? 

it’s a classic case of everyone’s the asshole but everyone’s not the asshole. 

moving onto season 2. BULLSHIT. nancy was projecting. like she felt so guilty about barb and associated that night with the first time she had sex with steve, so she associated steve with barb’s disappearance/death. she was processing her trauma which is totally fine, but also not an excuse to treat steve like that. to be fair, drunk words drunk words. 

what she forgot was that steve also experienced the same thing. maybe not the grief and loss that she felt, but it’s HIS house. he has to stare out at that pool every night and know that it’s a murder scene and a grave site. he may be processing his trauma by trying to forget and be a “normal kid.” and that’s fine. 

and to be SO clear: they didn’t technically break up. you could say that they did, or take that as your interpretation, but in my opinion they’re not broken up until they have a conversation explicitly discussing ending things. couples fight all of the time. it’s not uncommon to want a little space afterwards before apologizing/making up. 

so yes. nancy cheated. and she never thought about the consequences of her actions, especially regarding steve. imagine how he felt. in season 3, he admitted to being IN LOVE with her. and she called him bullshit and cheated on him. be so real, if this happened in real life, you wouldn’t be as kind as steve. he stayed friendly with BOTH nancy and jonathan, and continued to babysit their brothers. 

steve called himself a bad boyfriend, but did we ever see evidence of that? he was constantly wooing her and romancing her. like if she didn’t want that, she could have communicated that throughout the YEAR they were together. the only possible way that steve could be a bad boyfriend was regarding their difference in trauma response. which is not being Bad. it’s having different personalities and perspectives. so ??? just a gripe. 

SEASON 3…. so YEAH nancy is selfish. her and jonathan’s job at the hawkins post … like YES fight misogyny and feel infuriated because of your treatment. however, don’t strong-arm jonathan into supporting you when he NEEDS that job. unlike miss picket fence upper middle class nancy wheeler, the byers don’t have a lot of money. they’re living on a single income and jonathan works too. like he doesn’t have the ability to just drop the job. of course, he follows her in the end though. honestly, that only validates nancy’s perspective that she’s always right and her crusade for whatever is righteous. 

but she doesn’t care about collateral damage. she never took into account jonathan’s feelings. she never took into account the effect this could have on future jobs. employers DO check references sometimes fyi. (also i KNOW that it was due to a lot of misogyny, but irl new hires are often the company mule. like she could have tried to work her way up. she hasn’t even been working there that long, and she a high school student expects to be published within months?? just be a little realistic here) 

i honestly commend her because she’s bold and she’s brave. she makes a GREAT reporter. but she makes a bad friend and a bad girlfriend. from what i observe, she takes things for granted and gives too much credit to herself. these are just character flaws and that’s human to have flaws. it’s possible to be a good person and also do bad things. i actually like nancy a lot, but it has to be acknowledged that she rarely faces consequences for her actions, and has never been confronted with the fact that she constantly puts herself first with no regard for other people. 

just a quick note for season 4 bc this is getting SO long: when nancy told steve he “almost deserved” to get shot in the face. okay bitch. now i’m mad. bc? what did he do? and like. tbh WHO deserves to get shot in the face. i don’t care if it was supposed to be a flirty statement, it was SO out of pocket. 

it’s also clear that nancy takes credit for steve’s “transformation.” if i’m being honest, the only thing she really pushed him to do was to drop tommy and carol. STEVE made the decision to run back in to fight the demogorgon. STEVE made the decision to help dustin and fight the demo dogs. STEVE made the decision to stay behind to watch the kids while they stormed the lab. show me one instance where nancy influences his actions, and i’ll acknowledge it, but i just don’t see it. and i think she gives herself way too much credit. because she wasn’t there by his side working through it with him. she was dealing with her own problems (which is okay), but she can’t act like she completely transformed him and made him a heroic babysitter. think on that. 

into my thoughts on ro//nance: 

robin is steve’s best friend. she’s not JUST his best friend. he’s her platonic soulmate. when they were conceived, they were a being with four arms and four legs. but they were Too Cunt and Powerful so they had to be separated. they are literally two parts of one soul. 

now imagine: ur best friend admits he’s IN LOVE/HAS BEEN IN LOVE with his ex. and she broke his heart. that in itself already has me livid, but if i found out about the “bullshit” spiel, i would have to start throwing punches. 

i believe in season 4 that the reason why robin is so curious about nancy is because she wants to know what type of girl steve fell in love with. like what’s so appealing about nancy that she’s the only one he said he fell in love with? and i also believe she didn’t know about the cheating at this time because NO WAY would she have been nice to nancy if she knew. 

maybe you guys can forgive cheating, but i sure can’t. and especially when it happens to my best friend… it’s over. like sorry i treasure my best friend…. 

reiterating that nancy isn’t a bad person, but she just Doesn’t work with robin. putting aside robin’s opinions, nancy fucking hates her LMFAO. like she is So cold to robin out of? jealousy (a cheater is a cheater is a cheater). so it only really proves me right that nancy doesn’t actually care about the people she’s with. does she think that flirting with steve is okay after playing around with his heart before? has she ever taken into account the fact that steve may have been healing or emotionally unavailable? did she ever consider how steve felt after they broke up? 

robin did. and she’s ride or die. 

and a rebuttal to a post i’ve definitely seen before: yes, lesbians do tend to have a small dating pool which leads to a lot of friends dating exes. (i, a lesbian, have experience with this). HOWEVER, a cheater is different. because you have to acknowledge that a lot of lesbians stay friends with their exes. steve and nancy are AT BEST friendly in canon. if you would date someone who cheated on their friend, FULL OFFENSE, you’re not a good friend. that’s just a fact. 

you’re not only completely disregarding their experience, but you’re also forcing them to be in the same space as someone who betrayed them. and that’s more of a betrayal than the actual cheating imo. sorry but IN MY OPINION, i’d never want to be friends with anyone who ships ro//nance lol. it just shows me that you don’t care about your friends’ feelings like that. 

this is kind of a rant and totally nonsensical, but i have to yell about this bc i feel like it’s not even talked about. nancy is always characterized as a perfect girl, but she’s not. and that’s OKAY! but you can’t erase her history just to have two cute girls kiss. 

it’s also completely ignoring CANON love interests (vickie). which i get because she didn’t get a lot of screen time, but god can’t we find another alternative. 

and be honest: a lot of people ship ro//nance so that jonathan/argyle can get together too. or they act like it’s okay bc steddie get together and steve is happy now. 

THOUGH steve would approve of the relationship bc he’s a GOOD guy and KIND, i think that robin would have rejected it. she’d defend that man to the DEATH. 

so when you ship ro//nance, you’re erasing stobin. because robin would want someone who loves steve just as much as she does. someone who understands that he’s her soulmate and she can’t live without him. and nancy just isn’t that person. their history and nancy’s perception of steve just stand in the way of that kind of relationship. 

not to mention that steve and robin are One. like this is more conjecture but they are Literally the Same Person. and if steve wasn’t compatible with nancy, what makes you think that robin would be?  honestly, the whole concept of ro//nance just completely bamboozles me. i’m confused and i’m irritated. because it’s almost like none of you have actually had a REAL relationship. or YOU don’t care about other people’s feelings. nancy kin i guess. 

again again, my personal opinion. i choose not to consume ro//nance content, but somehow it keeps cropping up so i do have to put in my two cents. by all means, keep shipping and supporting them, but it would be nice if you read through this and thought about the characterization. 

[midnightpollux]

Changing identities, taking accountability and persisting

Today, I have decided to stop consuming information about the void, shifting and the law of assumption, most information is the same thing in different clothes, constantly being regurgitated (there isn't anything wrong with that! Rewording things is beneficial and a great asset to getting everyone to understand! It's somewhat like saturation if you think about it) and I think I've been at the point of knowing what to do for a VERY long time but, for some reason, I'm holding myself back. I have shifted, I have entered the void and I have manifested using the law of assumption, I know everything is real, I have done them all myself, but, for some reason, my journey has been a little stagnant (I haven't tried to shift since October, I have only been entering the void unaware and my manifestations haven't been going how I want them to, or I only partially receive them) and in all honesty, I am to blame. I've been stuck in a loop of consumption. I am never searching for new methods or advice to apply to my journey, I find comfort in consuming; seeing people's success, reading stories, advice, memes, whatever. Seeing people active within these communities brings me comfort (and always will). However, it's as if I am living through other people while also, sobbing and yearning to shift, enter the void again, and receive my desires. Make it make sense bro, I have all the tools under my belt, yet I sit and watch people use theirs. Am I dumb? It’s time for me to stop searching for comfort, stop consuming and start applying. (THIS IS NOT TO SAY THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH CONSUMING, I KNOW IT'S MOTIVATING, BUT IT'S COMING TO A POINT FOR ME PERSONALLY THAT I BELIEVE IS TOO MUCH)

I have also decided to take accountability. I know I have manifested everything in my life so far and I know, I can manifest my success. I have always blamed factors outside of myself because that's what's easiest; no one wants to manifest negativity into their lives, and when met with said negativity, it's easy to turn the blame on someone, or something else. I am fully aware that I am the one who controls my reality, and I am the operant power, so really who else is there to blame but myself? Right now, I'm reflecting on past situations and forgiving others and most importantly, myself, because whatever I may have experienced was delivered to me by none other than yours truly. Forgiving, reflecting and letting go will give me a clean slate to work with, reflecting will allow me to notice how my assumptions have served me in the past and letting go will relieve me of a whole bunch of built-up stuff that I definitely have been ignoring for too long. I hope to start anew with a better mindset, and a new identity.

Changing identities feels like both the hardest and easiest part for me. I am definitely capable of sticking to the new story, but my biggest problem is how long I stick to it. Looking back, I have stuck to the new story for like, 3 days and then I crash out LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL sorry it's kinda funny, to me, I've definitely done that multiple times as well. One of the most known things about the law of assumption is to persist, yet I start tweaking when my desire doesn't show up in 5 milliseconds. However, this time I am going to change my identity and stick to it, I will embody a master shifter, a master of the void and a master manifester, it's the truth after all. Through crashouts and tweakage, I will maintain my identity and receive all I desire, it's already done.

not this being my first post woah, it's kinda just a little confession????????????? idk?????????? Anyways this was inspired by a video I watched:

I really do recommend you take a watch, he makes everything seem so simple, and he definitely inspired me and made me reflect on my actions, thoughts and assumptions. Thanks for reading if you did <33!!

☾⋆⁺Midnight✮⋆˙

[estellardreams]

Okay, so... I love Nine. He's one of my favorite characters from Sonic Prime, but after the season 3 trailer came out I just... Couldn't help but take a step back at what we know so far.

Nine thinks he was used by Sonic. He's destroying the Shatterverse outside. He's using the Prism shards. He wants to DRAIN Sonic's prismatic energy to stabilize the prism so he could make the Grim.

He's very traumatized, that much we know. He basically turned against Sonic and all that betrayal and anger towards him is definitely fueling his actions. Who could blame him, really?

But what about the Shatterverse falling apart? That could be explained by him being unaware, and there could be many factors that key into this. Because for one thing, he definitely won't leave the Grim to go anywhere else, and as such won't see this destruction. Why? Because he doesn't want Sonic or Shadow sneaking in there while he's gone and stealing the Prism back.

He's still in the Grim when he sees the tears into the void, so he knows something is wrong. But he explicitly says that "The Grim is starting to decay" pointing out that he isn't aware of the rest of the Shatterverse collapsing at the time.

All Nine wants is to shape the Grim into his new home, his new paradise. One where no one will hurt him, including Sonic. He's shielding himself and building so many defenses, and at this point is going a little insane because of how deeply he's been hurt.

Think of being in Nine's shoes... You were bullied your whole life for something that wasn't in control, you closed yourself off and built defenses to survive. You grew up... Then someone comes along and tears those walls down, becomes your friend... Only to find out that they only wanted a much better, less broken you.

Do you understand how bad that feels? To know that you don't matter to your supposed "friend"?

Nine is growing more angry and frustrated towards Sonic because he's the cause of all of this. He's the cause of his heartbreak, for not being there to save him from his suffering...

For being the cause of his mere existence.

To know that the person you thought of your friend didn't truly want you and used you as a stand-in for a much better version of yourself, while also being the mere cause of your entire suffering intentional or not...

How can you not be upset at Sonic? Sure, it wasn't intentional on Sonic's side but that's just what Nine thought.

And then Sonic comes back with the variants from every single universe INCLUDING the Chaos Council, proving that he truly wanted to stop his dream while also not understanding the actual consequences of his actions.

All Nine sees is a betrayal. All Sonic sees is someone who just needs to be stopped and talked back down to their sanity so they don't DESTROY THE SHATTERVERSE.

Both sides have valid reasons... But Nine has just gone crazy because he let himself open up just once to the prospect of happiness and just decided to make it everyone's problem when he couldn't get what he wanted, intentional or not.

So in all... I don't know what I'm talking about make of this what you will.

There are too many thoughts going in my mind on this entire debacle so I'm sorry if this feels like rambling but oh well!

[garf-lover96]

big vent under cut. i know i never do that here but i just needed to scream at a void. might delete this later

i am trying REALLY hard to keep my fucking peace in this house and not bother anyone just so they don't think to go and bother me but that's just. impossible to do. i've been doing this for my whole life and it doesn't work, it just doesn't. they made me think 10 times before i say ANYTHING so i don't accidentally prolong any conflict so when a screaming match starts i just don't talk and that's wrong too apparently. they tell me that oooh you don't like us you don't want to spend time with us yeahh i wonder why. i'm not even safe in my own room and that's just heartbreaking, there's literally no right answer here. i was in HEAVEN when they all left for a weekend, it was so quiet and calm and now everything's back to normal obviously.

the best part is that i'm the only one that ever thought of getting fucking outside help, while the rest of them deny that they even need it. my sister that literally makes my life hell every day by just berating me for everything i do claims that she doesn't need help because 'i'm the retarded one in the family'. SHE KEEPS JOKING ABOUT BEING ADOPTED BECAUSE SHE'S CONVINCED THAT SHE'S THE ONLY NORMAL ONE HERE. it's like she's blind to her absolutely insane and just sadistic fucking behavior, i swear. i used to want to kill myself about it but i don't anymore, i just want to get out as soon as possible and not talk to any of them ever again. (LITERALLY HAD TO TAKE A BREAK BECAUSE NOW I HEAR MY DAD SAYING THAT ITS NOT NORMAL THAT I STAY IN MY ROOM ALL THE TIME OH MY GOOOOOOD ARE YOU ACTUALLY JUST FUCKING STUPID. ARE YOU SEEING HOW YOU ACT ON A DAY TO DAY BASIS. YOU'RE JUST MAKING ME HATE YOU MORE AND MORE. but i'm not even surprised about it anymore because he's a hardcore catholic that thinks beating children is fine! okay mister!!! you need to be locked up lowkey!! or go to extensive therapy please!)

i try very hard to be a good person i literally developed a fucking complex where i need to justify all my actions to myself because i don't want to be like them very desperately, i want to be better than all of this. but just the amount of hate that i have for my sister. like, i shouldn't even blame her for all of this because it's my parents fault that they didn't fucking do anything about her beating me when she was a little baby. because have i mentioned that she's a year younger than me???? how fucking embarrassing that is that i wanted to end it all because of an immature little bitch that calls me fat and retarded sometimes?????? and it only ever gets worse because all it took was ONE mention to my mom that my psychologist thinks i have undiagnosed autism (it was obvious since i was little, i don't know what took everyone so long honestly) and suddenly my sister heard about it too and now she calls me autistic and retarted and stupid eeeevrerryyyyyyyyy fuckingggg day i just want to bash her fucking face in with a hammer, LIKE WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT WHEN I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE MYSELF BREAKFAST. my empathy for her evaporated as well like. years ago. so now when she's getting screamed at i just don't feel anything. i wanna feel bad about it too but i just can't??? i know she's literally just a regularass person but all my hateful memories of her make her seem like she's some kind of evil spirit that was sent to this earth to just torture me. and she still has the fucking nerve to ask me what i'll but for her upcoming birthday. when i used to cry in a corner at my little 10 year old age and pray that she gets taken away like my parents just kept threatening to give her away to a fucking farm or something. I USED TO PRAY TO GOD FOR HER TO NOT FUCKING BERATE ME EVERY DAY AND SURPRISEEE NOTHING CHANGED. i could write so much more about this but my thumbs are starting to hurt and i'm only working myself up more. i will get out and never speak to them again and be at peace soon, i have to believe that it will find me

and the fight that got triggered like half an hour ago and the reason i'm writing this was caused over calling to order a pizza btw👍 love this stupid fucking awful house

[parcequecestnotreprojeeeet]

Hello! It’s Winter! I wanted a touching, heart breaking story. A break from my smut 😜

Precious Cargo

“Mr. President.”

Emmanuel looked up to see an advisor step cautiously into his office. This man was new to his staff, only having worked at the palace for a little over 2 months.

“What is it? I’m busy,” Emmanuel explained rudely, tapping on the screen of his iPhone for the 30th time.

“It’s your wife,” the man spoke softly, knowing what that sentence would do to the man behind the desk.

Emmanuel froze upon hearing the word “wife.” He knew Brigitte’s plane was expected back in 30 minutes, from a trip he wished she hadn’t gone on. He had a bad feeling the morning of her departure and couldn’t shake it, no matter how hard he tried to tell himself nothing would happen.

Now, he understood why his body signals were so strong.

Emmanuel managed to get his question out, “What happened?”

The advisor cleared his throat, “The… Madame’s plane was struck by lightning. And… we lost signal. The plane vanished, Sir.”

The whole world - Emmanuel's world - stopped.

He tried to catch his breath, but he couldn’t, it was impossible. His lungs had failed, and he desperately needed to lie down. No, this couldn’t be happening. He needed to see her, to touch her, to hold her and never let her go again. Why hadn’t she listened? Why did she insist on this ridiculous trip?

“I’m so sorry, Sir,” the man spoke, trying to fill the void of silence with comforting words. “I know how much you loved.…”

“No! Don’t say that! Stop talking! My wife is not gone! She’s not!!!” Emmanuel shouted, getting louder with each word. “Get out!!!”

The man quickly turned around and ran toward the hallway. He had been picked to deliver the bad news, and he hated every second of it. Everyone knew what Brigitte meant to Emmanuel. The messenger knew he was going into a warzone before he even stepped into that office.

Emmanuel couldn’t just sit behind his stupid desk. The presidency and all the shit that went with it suddenly meant nothing to him. He needed answers.

How does a plane suddenly vanish off the radar? Why was his wife flying in horrible conditions? Who was this idiot pilot? Didn’t he realize he had precious cargo onboard?

Emmanuel took a few steps toward the door but he had to stop. Running in the opposite direction toward his private bathroom, he emptied the contents of his stomach into the porcelain bowl. He didn’t have the strength to stand up, instead, he remained on the cold floor waiting for another round to come out of his body.

Sitting up against the wall, he buried his head in his hands, finally allowing the tears to flow freely.

“Emmanuel?”

He thought he had heard the sound of heels just a few moments ago, but he assumed he was dreaming. Garnering all the energy his body could manage, he rose from the floor and into her arms.

“Chéri! What’s wrong? Are you okay?” She asked, her voice shaking with fear after finding her husband in the fetal position.

He didn’t answer with words, because words weren’t enough, but with actions instead. After he was done kissing her face, his hands found the strap of her dress and pulled them down, revealing her red strapless bra.

“Honey! Stop! What are you doing?” Brigitte asked, stepping back. Ordinarily, she would never stop him but she could tell something was wrong. Besides, she could smell something unpleasant in the bathroom and she needed fresh air.

Emmanuel brought her to the couch and pulled her onto his lap, squeezing her so tight she thought she was going to burst.

“What has gotten into you? You couldn’t have missed me that much. I was only gone for 12 hours,” Brigitte laughed nervously, not having seen her husband behave like this since they first started dating.

“I was told your plane was struck by lightning and that they lost signal.” He stated, “I … I thought I lost you.”

She cradled his head against her chest, “Sweetheart, it wasn’t that bad. There was some lightning but the plane was never hit. We landed safely. See! I’m right here - all in one piece.”

“Brig - don’t ever joke about that!!” He shook his head realizing how aggressive his tone had been. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I am not myself right now.” She continued to hold him tightly, running her fingers through his wavy hair. “It’s okay, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes until she needed to get up and use the restroom. “Emmanuel … Emmanuel?” She tried to move his body but he wouldn’t budge. He had finally fallen asleep in her arms.

Helloo Winter! ❤️

I think someone is about to get fired 😅 Or i would probably even quit myself straight away, out of shame 😂

But poor Manu, his was really upside down for a few minutes there. I’m glad you didn’t keep the anguish for too long and Brigitte showed up quickly. But not so ready to smell Emmanuel’s vomit, even for some woohoo time 😂

Him falling asleep in her arms 🥰

Thank you so much, Winter! ❤️❤️❤️

[dorothygalewrites]

I know this isn't really what my page is for, but I don't really have a platform to discuss books like this besides Goodreads, and while I could do individual reviews on both of these books, I want to talk about them in tandem and what I like and don't like about them. I'll put it under a cut because it'll probably be somewhat long and spoilery, and maybe when I'm done with the back half of this quartet, I'll write a review of those two as well. But no one I know has read these books, so I just want to scream my thoughts into the void and if anyone wants to add theirs, feel free. With all that being said, here we go.

I really liked the first book in the series, I think the first hundred or so pages of this were really strong. It gripped me as I read it in a B&N cafe (which is pretty good, because most books don't). It was fun and action packed and I liked Cassie and wanted to see this new environment of teens using their special talents to help the FBI solve cold cases, while also being drawn into the ongoing case. I like that it connected her to her mother. I like that even though we got the one reveal, we still don't know who killed her mom. The plot was great. The characters? Weeeeellllllll

I like Cassie, but she's about as complex and interesting as watching paint dry. I know that Michael sees all of these different emotions in her, but eh. It was even more infuriating to watch Dean and Michael fight over her when she barely said ten words to Dean (she had, at that point, said more to Michael, but put a pin in it). Like most of what I can tell you about Cassie is stuff that happened to her, not her personality. And that's a problem.

Lia was fun in a shit stirring kind of way, but I won't lie, now that I'm two books in, I'm kinda getting exhausted with her schtick. Not that I blame her, if she developed that quickly I'd also call bullshit because Cassie's only been there for five minutes. But her being a bitch and lying (and calling others out for lying because she's a natural lie detector) and playing hot and cold with everyone is starting to get annoying. I know all the Naturals stick together because there's so few of them, but I find it hard to believe that in any other social setting, Lia would be accepted at all. Let alone allowed to get away with her bullshit. But like. Lia's fine. I don't have any major complaints about her. She's a bitch and she knows it. Thank you, moving on.

The one character that is always fun, always fresh, always is a 10/10 whenever they're on the page is Sloane. Sloane is their resident data analyst and if I had to give her a character comparison, I'd say she's closest to Spencer Reid. She's always spouting facts and statistics and she's a little awkward, but she's got the spirit. No notes.

Where both books fully lose me is the love triangle. It's present in the first one, but it's worse in the second one. Which is kind of the theme of this. But here we go, Cassie goes to this school and she meets two boys, Michael and Dean. One of them is actually layered and complicated and complex, and the other one only the author thinks is. Straight up, Dean is the most boring love interest in history and I don't know why Barnes thought it would be a good idea to ship Cassie with herself except Boy Variant, especially because (in my opinion) it seems like Michael was always being set up to be the Main Love Interest. Michael's the one who kisses Cassie first of his own volition, Michael is the first to tell her how he feels, Michael rescues her from a creep and gets shot going after her to protect her. Michael's the first person she meets in the Naturals program. He's the one that gave Cassie a nickname. He's the one that tells Cassie to figure out how she feels, that he'll wait for her to make a decision. Sure, I knew there was going to be a love triangle, but there was no doubt in my mind that it would be Michael and Cassie in the end. And I was wrong. Which is fine on it's own, but not when the story doesn't support it.

Let's talk about Michael. He's a natural emotion reader. He's a rich kid with an abusive dad, so he grew up having to read his father's emotions and that helped him hone his natural abilities. He's complicated and a rebel and will push you to a fight. If they won't hit you, make them hit you because at least you'll see it coming. He doesn't like authority. He reads Jane Austen. He does stupid things for girls he likes. He's open and honest about how he feels. You get the feeling that even with all the layers of rebel bullshit, he's a good guy with a good heart. Even when he's poking the bear.

And Dean? Dean's none of that. He's your standard, typical broody boy with Daddy Issues (Blond Variant) and basically just the same as Cassie in that his dad is a serial killer and so is her aunt (on top of her mom being murdered). He's also a natural profiler like she is, so they even share that in common. He's closed off and quiet and boring. I'm sorry, he's boring. I can't even bring myself to care about his family angst in Killer Instinct because we saw it all in The Naturals with Cassie's family. He really is that redundant to the team. I for the life of me cannot figure out what made Barnes think it was a good idea to put him and Cassie together. I'm not even mad because I think he'll be a bad boyfriend, I'm mad because the more interesting dynamic, the one that was properly set up and foreshadowed, is the one that got left behind.

I know I'm talking a lot about the love triangle, but really it's the only thing in this book series worth discussing because it's where Barnes fumbles the most. Well, maybe not the absolute most. Killer Instinct basically being a Dean reskin of The Naturals is pretty bad too. Cause that's just it. There are little changes between The Naturals and it's sequel, but it's also almost an exact copy of it's former book. And like I said, idc about Dean, so that didn't help anything.

I do like the pseudo found family vibes, I just feel like that happened way too quickly (at least in terms of everyone + Cassie, the other four I can kind of see), and I liked seeing the small bits of character development from book one to book two. But it still doesn't feel like enough.

Not helping matters are the juvenile way this was written. And look, I'm definitely not the age range for YA anymore, and I take that into consideration whenever I talk about how teenagers behave in these books. However, Cassie is seventeen and this is supposed to be "Criminal Minds for teens" so you would assume it's for an older YA crowd, but it's from Disney Hyperion and the writing repeats and hammers in everything because of everyone's ability. The reader never has to question things or infer things about personality or emotions, because there the characters are, telling us what a person is like or feeling or lying about. It's definitely the younger YA crowd, and if I had known that when I started reading, I probably wouldn't have bought them, because I don't want or need that much handholding in my books. And I don't know if I should blame the writing style on Barnes (I haven't read anything else by her) or the fact that it's under the Disney banner.

Overall, there were things I enjoyed about the first two Naturals books: Michael, Sloane, the actual case solving (when the group was actually doing that and/or allowed to actually do that), but the love triangle and how it worked out and the writing style really bring down what could otherwise be a really solid book. I'm going to finish out the quartet, but my hopes of it being a new favorite are pretty much dashed, I think.

[akaraboonline]

6 Ways to Change Your Ex to Reconsider Breaking Up

If you've recently been dumped, you're probably wondering: 6 Ways to Change Your Ex to Reconsider Breaking Up: "What will persuade my ex to reconsider breaking up?" "What can you do or say to persuade your ex that breaking up was the wrong decision?" "What factors typically influence their feelings about the possibility of reuniting?" There are a few things that can change your ex's mind about the breakup and convince them to take you back. #1: Missing You This one may appear obvious at first... "Well, obviously, if my ex misses me, they're more likely to want me back, right?" you reason. And, yes, that is correct... However, most people are unaware of how much their own actions can influence how much their ex misses them (or not). Because, really, there's only one thing that can make your ex miss you... and that's your absence from their life. The more removed you are from your ex's daily life... and the sooner you establish that distance after the breakup... the more intense and powerful their feelings of missing you will be. This means that every time you contact your ex after they've broken up with you... every time you respond to their text, answer their phone call, or see them in person... you're actively lowering the amount of time they'll miss you. After all, it makes sense, doesn't it? The more you disappear from your ex's life, the less they see or talk to you, and the more they will feel the sudden void that results. So it's critical that your ex misses you if you want them back, and while simply reducing how much you see or talk to your ex can help them miss you, completely disappearing from their lives—as soon as possible after the initial breakup—will make them miss you even more. #2: Feelings of FOMO Making your ex miss you is a key factor in making them regret the breakup, but FOMO, or Fear of Missing Out, is another factor that will help change their mind. In other words, if you can make your ex feel excluded from the fun and interesting things you're doing after the breakup, they'll wonder if they made the right decision to end your relationship. On the surface, this may appear to be a bit lame, but I assure you that instilling a little FOMO in the back of your ex's mind can actually be extremely effective in making them reconsider the breakup... Especially when combined with the other tactics I'll be discussing, such as No Contact. Never underestimate the power of FOMO on the human psyche; I've seen it work time and again with my coaching clients. How do you instill FOMO in your ex? The simplest and usually safest way is to use social media to post about the cool, interesting, or fun things you're up to. If you're going camping in the backcountry with some friends next weekend, make sure to post some amazing photos of the weekend on Instagram or Facebook when you get home.... Tag your other friends in the photos, make a subtle mention of how amazing the weekend was, and make it appear as if you and everyone else had a great time. When your ex sees this type of post, they will undoubtedly experience FOMO, even if they will never admit it to themselves. The more you do this — and the more incredible the experiences you share on social media or with the world in general — the more effective it will be in convincing your ex to reconsider. Beyond social media, you can use FOMO to your advantage by bragging about your exciting post-breakup life to mutual friends who are likely to tell your ex... Alternatively, if you've already completed a period of No Contact and are talking to your ex on occasion again, you can tell them a story about something awesome you've done recently and exaggerate how amazing it was. It's critical not to go too far with this FOMO strategy... It's extremely effective when used correctly — in fact, I guarantee it's more powerful than you realize — but it also has the potential to backfire if you go overboard with your social media posts or do so in an obvious manner. #3: Unrealistic Expectations Outside of implementing a No Contact period, which we already discussed, you don't have a lot of control over this one. Many people have unrealistic expectations about what their life will be like after their relationship ends. Perhaps it's because they've seen too many rom-coms, perhaps it's because they haven't been single in a long time, or perhaps they simply underestimated how much of a positive impact you had on their life when you were still together... In any case, this increases your chances of getting them back. Basically, if your ex had an unrealistic expectation of how things would be after they broke up... If they thought they could keep you as a backup plan, a 'friend,' or even in a friends-with-benefits situation... or if they thought they'd love being single and all the freedom that entailed... ...When your ex realizes that the reality of the situation differs greatly from what they expected, it will be extremely difficult for them to accept. If they thought that being single meant spending every night of the week at the bar, meeting new people and having one-night stands... and that isn't what happens after the breakup; instead, they go home from the bar alone every night, or their friends don't want to join them, and they end up sitting at home alone at times.... This will be both painful and eye-opening for your ex. #4: Jealousy You probably guessed this would be on the list, and you'd be correct... Jealousy, when used correctly, is a powerful tool for making your ex regret leaving you. Now, in my Ex Factor program, I call this strategy "Covert Jealousy" to emphasize how critical it is that any attempts to incite jealousy be extremely subtle and under-the-radar. If you make your actions too obvious and your ex sees what you're doing—or even suspects that you're doing things to make them jealous—it will have the opposite effect. However, if you use Covert Jealousy in the way I describe in my program, it can be a very effective way to make your ex second-guess their decision to end the relationship. Simply put, no one wants to learn that their ex is dating again just days or weeks after they split up... Even hearing about their ex hanging out with attractive members of the opposite sex can arouse jealousy in many people. Making your ex jealous is risky, but it's worth it if you can keep your cool and avoid being obvious. #5: A Sense of Urgency This is something I want to emphasize because many people overlook it. When I say "a sense of urgency," I mean that you should make your ex feel as if they only have a limited amount of time to change their mind and take you back. In other words, you should make it clear to your ex that you're quickly moving on... that you won't be around for long, so that if they have any doubts about the breakup—which they should if you do the other things we've discussed—they know they need to act quickly and ask you to take them back before it's too late. The more urgency you can instill in your ex, the better. So, going No Contact... by hanging out with members of the opposite sex and letting your ex know... by casually dating new people, advancing in life and working towards your goals, or simply being social and doing a variety of fun and interesting things without them... Most importantly, by not being "friends" with them and allowing yourself to become their backup plan. You're making them realize they need to act quickly before you find someone else to replace them or simply lose interest because you're too busy living an awesome, exciting life. #6: You Making Positive Changes To Yourself or Your Life Let us conclude with one of the simplest to put into action... making positive changes to yourself or your life in general. I'm referring to any change you make to yourself — a new haircut, a new wardrobe, losing weight, etc.... Or any changes or advancements in your life in general, such as getting a new job, making new friends, learning a new skill, picking up a new hobby, winning a school award, and so on. When it comes to physical appearance, I believe that is self-evident... Your ex will notice if you've lost 5 pounds and gained muscle, or if you've gotten a stylish new haircut, and so on. This may seem superficial, but the fact that you are willing and able to change yourself for the better will have an unspoken impact on how your ex perceives you and your potential as a romantic partner. Aside from physical changes, any positive changes you make in your life... As I previously stated, things like getting a promotion at work, learning to play the piano, enrolling in an evening class and making new friends, and so on... Those things may not appear to have any bearing on how your ex perceives you, but they do. Second, it provides you with a wealth of interesting topics to discuss and share with your ex once you do begin reconnecting, which can be extremely beneficial. Finally, it is almost certain to boost your self-confidence and self-esteem, which will make you more appealing to your ex and the opposite sex in general.     Read the full article

[darklinsblog]

Humankind’s finest | Sandman imagine

Author’s note: So I just finished The Sandman and I couldn’t get this idea out of my head so enjoy, I guess?

Pairing: Dream of the Endless x Human! Disabled Fem Reader.

Summary: Morpheus has already gotten what he wanted, but after this not being enough, he decides to stay in the Waking World a little bit longer, and he finds an exceptional female human.

Part 2 | Part 3

After a whole century of captivity Dream was finally free, he was even more powerful that he had ever been in eons, yet he felt nothing but an endless void, he was supposed to be fulfilled, satisfied, at least happy.

But he felt nothing of such nature, so he found himself tagging along with Death in a day of work, which truly put things in perspective. Especially when they parted she left Morpheus with one last thing to think about.

“Why don’t you take time to enjoy The Waking World? Maybe you need a little perspective, enjoy the mundane things, like you used to”

Maybe she was right, and so Dream found himself walking without direction for hours, until Matthew decided it was a good idea to enter a small cafeteria.

“This looks nice” he said walking in. Morpheus sighed, that crow would make the eternity feel like too long.

He went inside as he saw the staff of the cafe quite disturbed by the crow, suddenly everyone was trying to get the bird out of the building, Matthew was just flying around, cursing under his breathe and asking his master for some kind of aid. Just as he was about to interviene on the whole scene, a soft voice interrumpted.

“What are you doing?” A young woman in a wheelchair and a red apron asked rather calmly

“Are you blind? A freaking crow is inside! It could eat our eyes out!” Another young woman cried, but the girl seemed to dismiss her as she reached her hands out towards Matthew, whom seemed reluctant.

“I’m sorry if they scared you, but I promise I won’t hurt you” she reassured Matthew sweetly who finally decided to jump up her hand, she seemed quite delighted as she nuzzled the bird’s head with the hem of her finger.

“Why are you touching it? Ew!” the annoying girl went on.

“Even if you find him repulsive, this little bird is still a living creature, or how would you feel if someone was chasing you with a broom?” her tone was so peaceful and sweet it made the Lord of the Dreams curious, and suddenly, her big bright eyes laid on him.

“I presume this gorgeous crow belongs to you, sir?”

“Yes, indeed. I apologize for the fuss he may have caused, he can be a quite disobedient”

“Well, I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with being a little curious. Would you like to stay and drink something, it’s the least I could do to apologize for my friend’s actions”

He could not exactly explain why, but he stayed. Him and Matthew sat on a table, and his eyes followed the girl that rolled around the cafeteria with an incredible ease and grace, she was mesmerizing, it was impossible for his eyes to stay away from her. Sometimes their eyes would met for mere seconds, but that was more than enough to have the Endless smiling softly.

“You might as well start jumping” The Endless arched a brow at his loyal companion

“What are you on about?”

“You have to be fucking kidding! You obviously like her” the bird retorted

“Nonsense” he whispered, when slightly looking over, he noticed the girl coming towards him, he instantly rested his elbows on the table, slightly moving forward.

“Here’s your check, sir” the woman said, placing the check on his table. “I hope you and your friend come by again” she said petting the small crow softly.

“Perhaps I will” he smiled again, the gorgeous woman returned the smile, she turned to leave when he suddenly called for her. “Excuse me, miss?” She stopped and looked at him. “What’s your name”

“Y/N” she said.

“Tarian” he responded.

“Hope to see you soon, Tarian” he nodded.

Soon, he found himself keeping his promise, the very next day he appeared on that coffee shop, and the next days after that. He managed to talk to her on diverse topics, conversation flowed so easily he found himself looking forward to every single day just to see her.

He found himself thinking about her all day, he was fascinated by her dreams, the way she expressed herself, her loud laughter that she tried to conceal at times, how her cheeks would get flustered if their fingers touched in the slightest bit… He loved to discover even the smallest thing about her.

They had gone on a few dates together, and in every single one time always passed them by, ridiculously fast. He was intrigued at how someone with such life experiences, was still such a kind and warm human.

She had been bullied throughout her life, her family was “ashamed” of her for being a waitress at a coffee shop, different people along her life had told her she wasn’t worthy of love, that she was a burden to those around her, that she wasn’t beautiful enough or that she would be nothing in life due to her disability. Which in his eyes was nothing but absurd, something as insignificant as a tool for her movement had nothing to do with her value as a person.

In all those centuries alive, he had seen humans break for a diverse number of things. There was a point in all human life where they would feel so weak, where they just didn’t want to keep going.

But here she was, shining as bright as the stars in the sky, she had been through the most unfair things and yet here she was, no matter what people could have told her, she was sure of who she was and she was a dreamer, he understood that her dreams gave her hope, and suddenly he was yet again reminded with his true purpose, why he went on after eons and completed his task, because his ability to make dreams and nightmares, that were made so humans could be stronger and it gave them hope, even on their darkest days.

He was sitting on a bench on the park next to her, she had asked him for help to move seats from her wheelchair to the park bench. She had a small piece of bread and was feeding the birds, and feeling his eyes on her she asked.

“I can feel your eyes on me, Tarian” she said playfully.

“Am I not allowed not admire your beauty?” He teased, making her blush. She stared deeply into Morpheus eyes’ and he looked at her lips for a few seconds before grabbing the nape of her neck and kissing her passionately.

His heart fluttered, time seemed to go slower, like in the Dreaming, he had never felt more alive in years as the girl reciprocated his actions, he felt addicted to her, his hands went down her body smoothly, pulling her closer by her waist, wanting nothing more than to melt with her body. They broke apart just enough for them to welcome enough air into her lungs.

“That took long enough”

“I do admit the romantic side of things has never been one of my strengths” he said, reminiscing on his many failed loved stories over the centuries.

“Well what would be of life without love?” He smiled kissing her cheek softly, he didn’t want to leave her, but there was a whole realm to take care of and a century without the Lord of Dreams had been more than enough.

“I must go now, but I’ll see you in a few days” and with one last peck on her lips he came back to the Dreaming where Lucienne had greeted him as usual. Morpheus had spent a few hours in the library, reading the book that talked about your life, and suddenly he found his name on those pages.

His heart jolted, he felt such genuine and overwhelming joy, knowing he was part of your story, that The Creator had intertwined your paths together, because that was how it was meant to be.

“You know, My Lord… I have only seen that glow in your eyes a few times over the millenniums” Lucienne was grinning from ear to ear, the librarian was truly happy to see the Ruler of The Dreaming allowing himself to fall in love again

“I had to assume that I could not hide this from you for too long, Lucienne” he beamed “Her name is Y/N and she is a human”

“A human, my Lord?” She questioned in disbelief making Dream chuckle, the man was more joyous than he had ever been. This seemed a whole different Sandman

“Yes, Lucienne. Quite a extraordinary human I may add”

“Whilst I’m happy for you my Lord, I would worry about her safety, after all your enemies could take advantage of the mortality of the girl. I just don’t want to see you suffer anymore than you already have, sir.”

In full honesty with himself, that was also why it took him so long to admit his feelings towards Y/N, having loved and ending in tragedy after tragedy, with the loss of his son it could be enough for him to fully shut down and never dare to love again.

But here he was yet again, now falling for a fragile human. He meant fragile in the sense of her own mortality; because besides from that point she was far from fragile as one being could ever be.

She was strong and loud but also kind and gentle, and she loved to tell him about even the most minimal things on her day, she appreciated every small detail, every breeze, every smile. She reminded him the hidden beauty within the Waking World.

If Mortality was the problem he could grant her immortality just like he had with Hob Gadling, and if any other Endless or nightmare dared to touch a single hair on her head he would make sure to give them a rightful punishment. She had just made it so easy for him to fall for her; as swiftly as he made mortals fall asleep.

It was a true universe irony at its finest, but he refused to let her go of her. She had already lived more than enough suffering, he wanted to protect her from any evil, to praise her and to love her with every fiber, to allow her the experience of love at its purest expression.

[hegorys]

Sterek Fic Ideia #5

Claudia comes from an ancient family of hunters called "Little Red Riding Hood", her ancestor is Little Red Riding Hood herself, her family of hunters has not been lost and they still follow the code staying true to their ancestors' code of protecting innocent humans and hunting. only the bad wolves and helping the good wolves, Stiles grows up hearing stories about his ancestor so having a taste for red, always wearing red in some way especially his red sweatshirt, Little Red Riding Hood's bloodline allows for impressive physical abilities compared to werewolves , some even equating to the physical abilities of an alpha wolf, this ability awakens at age 17 or in an imminent death situation (think of the physical abilities of the Levi family bloodline from Attack on Titan, which allows them to be extreme titan hunters)

Stiles may or may not be a spark (read about the concept of sparks in fanfics on google, I've read a lot of Sterek where Stiles is a spark but leaves a lot to be desired), cladia has an old family book that explains her hunter family history, as well as everything about wolves, knowledge passed from generation to generation, Stiles is Derek's mate and he feels that even though Derek thinks that because Stiles is human he wouldn't, Stiles learns about Derek and his family, about the events with Kate and decides the best action to take is to stay close to Derek and let the wolf himself reveal that they are mates, but the day Darach kidnaps his father and Stiles goes to Derek to talk about Jennifer being Darach Derek I don't believe it and because of after that Stiles explodes and blurts out something like "how can you not believe your own mate but hear the words of a bitch who is using you", nogitsune doesn't happen (although I find 3B AMAZING and I love void Stiles , I don't really like void Stiles in fanfics)

Derek really drools when Stiles is parading around in his red sweatshirt, he doesn't know why and has never told anyone but since he was little the red sweatshirt always holds his attention, his extinct hunt is buzzing in his brain whenever he sees Stiles in red

(Note: I added the tag "top derek/bottom stiles" below just for personal taste, as much as I love stiles, I like to see derek top, just warning you not to get stupid messages saying I'm against Stiles being top, I don't go out around complaining that it's wrong for derek to be bottom or that it's wrong for stiles to be top because I know everyone has their tastes and they should be respected)

[crystalmonk5579]

Please read and reblog

Hello everyone, it has come to my attention that @wowsybobowsy on tumblr has come out with a post defending @chumburber, I’ve seen some contradictory and guilt tripping within both a post and comments she has left on the original call out post of her stealing designs from @pexterambles; for context she had stolen designs for her LOS(Legion Of Stationery/Stationary) from Pex, she had deleted her original blog, made a new blog and then proceed to make comments on the call out post and then had made a full blown post that described the actions as ‘bitchy’, when I pointed out that she not only blocked @Lokistarcorner when they tried to reach out to them to understand why she stole their friends designs she had then blocked me. This is a post not based on anyone's opinions, this is based on actions,

(I want to say that when showing photos of comments from the call out post, the comments are posted newest to oldest, meaning that you must read it bottom to top)

I'll start off with the first highlighted section ‘You don't need to go out of your way to possibly make someone’s day or life worse.’ this is pointing towards the possibility that the post has made her feel horrible, I mean this in the kindest way when I say that we are not responsible for your actions or how you responded to that post, the posts purpose was to make sure people knew of this action and to make sure people are safe and dont have their designs stolen, this was also meant to help you in pointing out your behavior so that you had the choice to correct it.

The second highlighted section ‘who don't know any better.’ This is referencing that she and many other people who have been called out didn't know any better, but I can confirm that for this situation that she is both a fully grown person as she had stated on her old blog that she was 18, I would also like to mention that the designs are public on tumblr. No matter what social media platform you could go on whether it be Tumblr, Instagram, or Twitter, anyone can see the original owner of the post. Meaning that if someone were to copy the designs, they will know they’re coping the designs, meaning that you were fully aware of what you were doing.

The third and final part ‘I think you, as an artist, would understand that NOTHING is perfect when you start out, but with a little practice, you can go a long way.’ You’re putting the blame on the original poster, saying that someone should understand something because of something that they are(IE: Saying someone should know how much a dog weighs based on geometric formulas because they’re good at math.) is saying that they should've known better, she was dropping the blame on them framing them as if they dont understand whats going on. I would also like to note that before anyone says that I’m contradicting myself with my reasoning for the second highlighted section, I have to say that that claim is incorrect. In saying someone should know better because they did something without knowledge is putting the blame on them without understanding what they did wrong. But I said that if Chumburber were to have copied the designs of Pex on a different social media platform, she would know that it was theirs without a doubt even if it was reblogged; tumblr has a symbol with the user name of the original poster to the right of the person who reblogged it, 

Twitter is the original post with the person who reblogged it above the OP.

This is a post she made to defend herself, this post is deleted but it is up on this account. I pointed out how she had blocked Loki after they contacted her trying to understand why she stole the designs and that she blocked them, she in turn commented that she had no idea what I was talking about(I am sorry to say that you can't find the comments as they’ve been turned off), if this were true though Void wouldn't have posted this comment.

(Transcript: attempts were made to deal with this privately first, it’s not like the first reaction was a callout post. All they had to do was respond, take it down, and actually communicate about it instead of blocking 

and stealing is never a good way to learn. there's a line between inspiration and thievery and it was crossed. the least they could do is credit for inspiration.)

Attempts were made to contact her. Moving on.

In the first section ‘Making a whole post with peoples usernames attached to the traced art, calling them out for all to see, is a really BITCHY move!!’ She frames the post as if Chum was under a spotlight she was not ready for, victimizing her as if she did nothing wrong without knowing. 

The second section ‘Don't beat them down and degrade them! Dredging them and calling them out will only make them quit art in general.’ I’ll state it again, the call out post was meant to inform Chum about her behavior but also other people so that they can be safe and not have her steal their designs, we never controlled how she’d react to the post, it was her decision to delete her blog. It's like saying a person can control the weather and that if it rains, it is their fault that it rained.

The third and final section ‘The human race isn't perfect! And I'm sorry that not everyone has breathtaking, cutest-eutsey anime drawing abilities!!! You're not a hero if you only defend one side. That's called being a villain. You either defend all, or defend none.’ Let's start off with the first part, about the art style. Wowsy tries to diverge it, framing the call out as if it had something to do with her artstyle. As if it had some factor into Loki’s thinking, that maybe if she had better art there wouldn't be a call out post on her in the first place. Now onto the second part, everyone has differing morals and ideals, its their own decision to defend people who think they’re on the right side, and being a villain and hero is all up to people's interpretation because of their morals and beliefs, there's always one person that will see you as a villain. Defending all is not even possible, if you were to defend all it would be like saying that you support PETA but think that using gore and violence to try and get people on your side is a scare tactic that doesn't work.

As most people can see, Wowsy describes Loki’s post as ‘a bitchy move ngl.’ she then went further into the post to say that she doesn't mean to be mean. This of course is controversial, saying that you are trying to be kind and respectful to someone while also throwing insults at them when critique them and trying to communicate your issues with them is(of course) very disrespectful and contradicting yourself at the same time.

In this screenshot Wowsy tries, not once, but twice to diverge the original idea of the call out post; first framing it as the reason why Loki called out Chum was because her art skills and that she didn't have enough practice, she then tried again with the same reason. Stating that the call out was made because her art wasn't ‘cute’ or ‘perfect’. This has nothing to do with her art, her art style, how many years of practice she has, or anything to do with her art of actions in general. The call out was made because of her decision to copy the designs of Pex.

I suggest to you all that you block @wowsybobowsyslay, other than that all I have to say is thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this post. Reblogs are very much needed to spread this information.

[softykooky]

sanctuary: seven

summary: the absence of you is a void that they never thought they’d have to experience again. they were fine before they met you. but the sky would fall before the boys would be fine after you’ve gone. 8.03k words.

genre: mafia au, ANGST, poly au

pairing: ot7 x reader

warnings (READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION) :  toxic and dysfunctional familial relationships, mentions of domestic abuse (physical and verbal), swearing, ptsd & trauma, poor mental health, mentions of anxiety & panic attacks, eating problems, alcohol abuse, abandonment issues...

rating: NC17

author’s note: okay I lied there’s going to be another part! I just couldn’t fit all that I wanted and I figured it was better to give you guys something now instead of making you wait another century for me to wrap up the story. please let me know if I forgot anyone in the taglist! please let me know what you think, and I hope you enjoy!

♡ series masterpost ♡ 

Just leave.

Just leave.

Just leave.

Like a cruel rhythm or a drum that keeps on beating in your chest to remind you of the pain that rips through your heart. 

You’re such a fool, Y/N. 

Should you blame them for growing tired of you? Even snapping at you like they did, or did you deserve it? It was so easy for you to wither back into the mindset your father had trained you to adapt at the slightest intrusion. Now, after that massacre in the kitchen with the people you trusted with your whole being, you weren’t sure if it was possible to think otherwise. 

Through the warm tears that have clouded your eyes, frantically stuffing the little belongings you have into a backpack is otherworldly difficult. Your heart hurts. Your soul hurts. Your entire being hurts and you can only wonder how many times a person can be pushed aside and unwanted until they just completely break. You wonder how close you are to that point. 

There’s anger running through your veins, cocktailed with devastation and confusion, but you’re not sure what it is you’re angry at. Were you angry at them? Could you ever be angry at them, even after they did something like this? You weren’t sure what to feel anymore, but that wasn’t important. 

There was one objective in sight: pack up and get the hell out before you let anyone else completely destroy you. 

But even then, you can’t help but to think about how they hadn’t even bothered to come after you. None of them did. And it ignites a different fire of pain that you’re finding harder to ignore. You’re halfway through shoving your shirts into the backpack when a soft voice sounds from your doorway. Jun is standing there, fiddling with her apron and warm sympathy on her face. 

“Y/N, sweetie, they’re just...maybe give them some time. Please don’t go”, Jun sighs. 

“No, Jun. They don’t want me here anymore”, your voice cracks at the realization. “I’m not going to stay and be unwanted. I won’t do it again. I-I can’t.”

When the last item is tucked into the pocket of your bag, you swing it onto your shoulder. The weight of the backpack feels as though it’s pulling you deeper into the ground. Like you are sinking and there is nothing you can do but wait until your head is submerged. 

“Jun…” you breathe out, wiping away a warm stray tear, “could you...could you tell them that I’m sorry? I-I’m not sure what for, I guess for everything. But could you just tell them?”

Jun nods solemnly, though the reluctance is clear on her expression. Even she can recognize that you have nothing to apologize for. “I will, honey. Are you sure about this?”

“I have no choice, Jun. I love them and I-” you cut yourself off. 

This is the first time you’ve been able to say it out loud. You love them. You’ve fallen in love with them and the timing could not be worse. But all in all, you consider yourself lucky. There was no way you would have recovered if you confessed and all seven of them inevitably rejected it. Perhaps this fight just saved you the great pain of knowing they cannot love you back. 

“And I need to go.” 

You’d have to leave before dinner. Through the back door.  The one that no one thinks you know about but as always, no man gives you nearly enough credit as you deserve. You’ll tell the guards you’re going out for a walk and pray they don’t question the overstuffed backpack you’re hauling. You’ll just open it and run and…

Find a new home? A new life? Find a new set of souls that will cherish and care for you and make you feel like you’re actually meant to be in this world? 

You love them. That much you know is true. And perhaps people like you weren’t meant to have love in this world. 

“You’re excused, Lee. Be grateful you’re still here.” The venom in Namjoon’s voice remains clear as day, even after your ungraceful departure from the kitchen. You had left so abruptly with so few words that they weren’t able to even try and stop you. 

They still can’t see straight through the searing anger that pulses through their entire being. Anger at the world, and the traitors, and the idiotic rookie that lost them thousands in shipments. 

But the anger at you had faded a long time ago, the moment you bolted out of the kitchen and up the stairs. However, the boys were nothing if not stubborn. Why did you have to get in the way of their business? Why couldn’t you just remain kept away, for them to keep safe and away from the dangers of the outside world?

Jimin is the first one to make a move to the staircase, up to where you were packing, trying to be stealthy until the leader catches a glance of him. 

“Jimin. Stop. Just let her cool off”, Namjoon sighs, pinching the space between his eyebrows to relieve his tension headache. He was usually the sensible one. The leader of the pack telling everyone to keep their cool. But the load on his shoulders has been getting far too heavy and you were the light breeze that caused it to collapse. 

“You should wait to calm down before you talk to her, anyway. That vein in your forehead might pop out of your skin”, Hoseok snidely remarks. 

Jimin scoffs, running a hand through his hair for the umpteenth time that day. 

“Everything we’ve been doing has been for her best interest. Why is she making this so difficult?”, he exhales, frustration still licking at every word. But with a mere glance at Jimin, anyone in the room could tell that he truly held no antipathy towards you. That his words were coming from an unresolved pool of anger that had been bubbling away for ages.

“You don’t think she means it, do you?”, Taehyung mutters, eyebrows still creased in intensity. “The leaving part?”

“Where could she go Taehyung? We’re all she has at this point”, Yoongi speaks. A layer of irony coats the room as Yoongi remembers the words he had spat at you in the heat of the moment. A vicious declaration to tell you to leave, and he feels a string of guilt twining itself around his lungs. He numbs it away, of course. As he does everything else. 

Jin takes a deep breath. “Listen, we’re all stressed and sleep-deprived. Why don’t we just calm down separately and talk it over at dinner? I’m sure by then, this whole thing will be completely forgotten.” His words sound sure and steady. Jin hopes they don’t notice the worry that bleeds into his voice. 

A chorus of agreements and hums quietly sound across the room as the seven of them shuffle out of the kitchen and slowly saunter into their respective rooms. And as they tiptoe past your bedroom, where your door was shut tight, the boys can’t help but feel the rationality that has begun to trickle back in. The logic and reason that had abandoned them during the fight had slowly returned, and the thought of you on the other side of that door made them all want to barge in and hold you again. 

Maybe they overreacted. Maybe they were wrong. Pride, however, was a stern mistress, and the potential consequences of their actions hadn’t yet reached their thoughts. They hadn’t realized the poison of their words.

 They would wait a bit longer. 

Everything would be okay after dinner. 

The first thing you realize after leaving is that you chose the wrong pair of shoes to attempt an escape on foot. Of course, you had to be wearing the new ones that the boys just bought you that hadn’t been broken in yet. The heel was digging into your skin painfully, undoubtedly leaving red marks and calluses. Your feet ached with every step, but you had to soldier on. At least until you found somewhere to rest for a bit and figure out where the hell you would go.

 A glance down at your phone has you eternally grateful for your past self for remembering to charge it. Hopefully it would last you until you found somewhere for the time being. 

There was no more family in the country besides your immediate ones. And you’d rather swallow knives than go back to that. The thought of them makes you sad though when you remember Soyeon.

 You wonder how she’s doing. The things she’s been up to. Is she shopping as much as she always does? Is she happy? Does she miss you? The train of thought makes you scoff at your own patheticism. Even after everything, you couldn’t find it in yourself to hate her. You would always love your sister. 

The Bangtan manor hadn’t been as far away from the city as you had thought. On the other hand, you weren’t exactly paying attention to the time. Just let your feet carry you where they wanted to and stared blankly at the passing ground, trying to empty your thoughts as best you could. The sky was beginning to darken and the wind blew a bit colder but you refused to let it slow your pace. You couldn’t let yourself feel. Not yet, anyway. 

The first motel you see is the one you enter. It’s not grand by any means; more of a fixer-upper. The wallpaper was peeling, the carpet reeked of age and dust, and the receptionist was chewing gum and scrolling absentmindedly on her phone. The place was a dump compared to what the likes of you tended to live in. But you had limited cash, and this would have to do. 

It takes you three times clearing your throat for her to notice that a customer was at the front desk. 

“Hello. I’d like a room with one bed, please.” 

She doesn’t hide her blatant scrutinization of you, visibly looking you up and down with something akin to disapproval. Her phone is tossed on the counter annoyedly and she snaps her gum, wheeling her chair closer to the computer and clacks away on the keyboard. 

“ID and payment, please”, she drones, holding out a hand without sparing you another glance. When she looks at the card you have placed in her palm, there is a spark of recognition. The Yoo family name. She must have seen your name in the paper or something. The ambassador’s daughter. In a place like this?

You are eternally grateful when the receptionist says nothing; just hands you back your card and dangles a key from her red-nail polished index finger. You two exchange no more words. The only sounds in the lobby are the clinking of the metal key, the padding of your footsteps on soft carpet, and the smacking of the bubblegum between her lips. But it is enough to begin to allow the loneliness in. The fear of it all. The uncertainty and utter devastation that you have left behind the one place that had just started to feel like home. 

When the door of your motel room closes, and it is just you... 

You with the clothes on your back, the necessities in your bag, and all the feelings you have kept bottled up for weeks on end. It is more than easy to collapse in a cathartic heap as soon as the lock clicks in place. 

Who cares if the walls are paper-thin? You scream it out on the undoubtedly dirty floors. The agony of being so close to happiness only to have it ripped away from your hands. The pain of knowing them, only for them to push you out of their lives. 

You don’t weep for anyone else. Not the seven boys you loved, not Soyeon, not your father, not Jun. 

You cry for Y/N. 

You cry for the realization that maybe the thing you’ve been chasing your entire life is simply not in reach. That peace was something you had to fight for, completely alone. That they don’t love you back, or even nearly as much as you loved them. If they did, you wouldn’t be here, desperately trying to hold yourself together for what seems like the billionth time. If they loved you back, well...you reckon that reality only exists in your surreal dreams. 

There were distant cousins. In the states. And if you could get a hold of them, you had faith they would be willing to fly you over. You could spin an excuse at the drop of a hat. Maybe something about wanting to see America for a while and get away from your normal routine in Seoul. Something about needing space or enjoying time with missed relatives. They’d believe it. You’ll leave as soon as you can, hopefully in the morning. 

Naturally, this night is sleepless and you swear the sky is darker than usual. It’s starless, and even the moon is nowhere to be seen, hidden behind overcast clouds and you want to cry even more. Because after everything, is it still too much to let you feel the light? Is it still too much to let you rest under a gentle nightscape? 

You make a promise to yourself. To Y/N. 

You wouldn’t let her chase after pipe dream happiness anymore. You wouldn’t let her be so naive, so hopeful for something better. You’ve had your chance at finding it, and after more bumps and bruises, have come to the conclusion that maybe it merely does not exist for you. 

You promise her a lifetime of loneliness and solitude. But those are familiar things. Comfortable things. And you would take that over a broken heart any day. 

As soon as they fell onto their respective beds, all seven of them had drifted off to sleep. It seemed that days of constant work, chugging black coffee, and pulling consecutive all-nighters had taken its toll, and the boys finally caught up to the pure, unadulterated exhaustion. 

The seven of them slept through the night, plans of dinner completely forgotten as they glued themselves to the comfortable bedding. Unfortunately, with needed rest came a clear mind and the realization that they had been completely and utterly horrible to you ever since it all went down. 

Jungkook is the first to wake up. He brushes his teeth and slips on an outfit with a rapid fervor, ready to put everything behind him and just...hold you. Because he realizes it’s been weeks since he actually has, and maybe that’s just the thing he’s been needing. To feel your frame in his arms and hear your soft breathing. 

“Taehyung! Get up!” Jungkook pounds on the door of his hyung’s room. He hears shuffling from the other side, and a rustled bedhead emerges from a dark cavern.

“What Jungkook? It’s too early for this”, he grumbles, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. 

“Hyung we all slept like the dead through dinner. I’d rather not let this whole thing with Y/N marinate for any longer. Get up and let’s talk it through, I know you miss her like crazy too.” Jungkook does his best to keep his voice down since you were still sleeping in the room beside Taehyung’s. He has to round up all of them first before asking you to come out. 

So he does. Sweeps his floor and the one above to awaken the other six men. Jin and Namjoon were the only others who were dressed and ready to tackle the day. The rest of them moved like zombies to rid themselves of the sleepy fatigue. 

Somehow, they all manage to congregate in front of your door, nervously staring it down while the tension in the air choked them. It’s unnerving. The radio silence coming from your room. You must be really upset, and reasonably so. Hoseok clears his throat, twisting his hands together out of nerves, and glances at the others. 

“Well? Should I knock?”, he whispers. The other six nod solemnly, glaring at the door like it might combust at any moment. 

He steps forward gingerly and raps on your bedroom door thrice. The seconds trickle by like molasses, even slower when there is no sound from your end.

 He knocks again.

 Nothing.

 A third time. 

Complete and utter silence. 

“Y/N?”

Hoseok’s eyebrows deeply furrow, and with trepidation, he twists the doorknob and swings it open. The bedsheets are made, duvet untouched and pillows stacked neatly against the headboard. The curtains are drawn and everything looks fairly clean. Almost as if there was no one in there in the first place. Now that he looks closer, the only sign of you being there was the vase of brown and wilting peonies on the bedside table. The ones they had gotten for you months ago. Even your scarce amount of belongings were nowhere to be found. 

In the ache of the silence, nothing can be heard but their utter shock. Their minds jumping to the worst conclusion but still in denial because there’s no way that you would do that. No way they could have lost you when they all loved you so much. 

“M-maybe she’s in the basement. Or the library. I’m sure she didn’t….she hasn’t….”, Jimin cuts himself off as he drifts off into all the terrible possibilities. Namjoon yells at the guards downstairs from the second floor, and the sounds of their rushed footsteps to find you in this giant house is the only noise that reaches their ears. 

“Jun!” Taehyung hollers down below, where she is undoubtedly fussing away in the kitchen or slaving over a boiling pot. The woman calmly emerges upstairs with a sharp gaze, head held high and shoulders stiff in her posture. There is no emotion on her face, except the faint disappointment as she stands in front of the seven men.

“Where is she?”, Yoongi growls, stepping forward like a huffing beast, but Jun remains unbothered.

“Where is who?” Jun monotones. 

“Don’t play dumb, Jun. Where is Y/N?” She scoffs at the concern dripping in Yoongi’s voice. How ironic that the very person who maliciously told you to leave was now in pieces at your absence. 

“I was surprised you even noticed. It’s not something you’ve been doing as of late. Noticing”, Jun calmly retorts. She’s never been one to be afraid of them. Never scared to stand up to them, because though they were grown men, they often still needed some mothering. 

“What the fuck does that even mean?” Jungkook spits, frustratedly gripping at his hair.

“Is it not true, boys? Y/N’s been practically invisible to you these past few weeks. Who knew it would take a mere fight to finally get you guys to pay attention to her.” Jin’s reflex is to immediately respond with an argument. But the words die on his tongue when he realizes the truth in Jun’s statement.

The seven of them stare at her in silence, still high-strung on stress and anger, but intent to listen to her words. 

“She left.”

The two words that they had been so desperate not to hear sound like a death knell when they fall from Jun’s lips. Their blood runs cold, and the temperature in the house drops to subzero. A moment frozen in time and all they can do is be forced to come to terms with their actions . The room immediately explodes into desperate questions and exclamations to their head housekeeper.

“Where is she? Did she say where she’s going”, Hoseok tearily yells.

“Did she leave a note?” Jungkook chews on his lower lip until it bleeds.

“When did she leave? She couldn’t have gotten far.” Jimin grabs Jun by the shoulders, forcing her closer as if he could look in her eyes and pretend she was lying.

“Excuse me if I am speaking out of turn, Sir”, Jun clears her throat, “but what did you think was going to happen?”

The seven of them are stunned into silence, swimming in utter confusion and worry about where in the world you could be. If you were in danger at all. 

“She’s been left by herself for weeks. In this big, cold house while you all were wrapped up in your business. Tried talking to you so many times, but you all pushed her away.” Jun sighs disappointedly.

Her words ring with truth, and perhaps that is the most painful part about it all. The boys can’t do anything but stand there and listen. You were dear to Jun, and she wouldn’t let the fear of standing up to her intimidating bosses keep her from saying the things you didn’t have the courage to. 

“Y/N, she...she’s been struggling. Did she tell you that? Wouldn’t sleep for days, so I sometimes snuck melatonin into her afternoon tea. But still, she’d come out of that bedroom with dark circles that almost looked painful. I’m surprised you didn’t hear her toss and turn all night, Taehyung.” Jun spares him a glance. Not malicious or accusing. Just genuine curiosity and it makes Taehyung want to burrow himself into the ground. 

Namjoon’s heart drops as Jun continues speaking. How could they have been so oblivious to everything? So out of touch and wrapped up in other priorities that they seemed to completely forget about you? Arguably the most important person in their life. 

“Sometimes, she even refused to eat. Couldn’t even stomach a cup of soup, and she’s gotten so thin, I had to tailor all her clothes.” 

Jin’s eyes widen at the statement, his throat in knots and the sinking feeling in his gut only magnifying. Like ice water to warm skin. That’s how Jun’s words felt to their system. Like they had been so blind this entire time, so distracted by everything else that they forgot someone who had become one of the most important people to them. 

“Forgive me for speaking my truth, sir. But I’ve never quite felt such disappointment when I heard the things you said to Y/N yesterday. A-And I don’t condone her decision to leave. But can you blame her?” Jun sighs, exasperated as her worry for you seeps into her consciousness. 

Jimin pushes away the tears that have clouded his eyes, looking down at the marble floors so that no one sees the gloss that wasn’t there before Jun started speaking. He pretends not to notice the way Jungkook’s tremulous and shaky breathing, or the way Yoongi’s fisted hands have turned completely white from the tension. All he can think about...all they can think about...is you. 

Hoseok coughs, clearing his throat and steeling his voice to not show emotion. “Did she tell you where she was going?”

Jun shakes her head solemnly, twisting her apron in her hands. The boys begin to make their way downstairs, tension in the air thicker than ever and only one priority clear in their minds.

“However…”, Jun’s small voice stops them in their concentrated footsteps. “While she was packing, she told me to say one thing to you all.”

It’s expectant. They almost don’t want to hear it at all. Hearing it would affirm that they are completely undeserving of you. That you are an angel among beasts whose love language is to destroy and wreck. That maybe leaving them would be the best thing to happen to you. 

“She told me to tell you she’s sorry. For everything.”

Everything is what you deserved. Everything is what they would do to prove that to you. 

Korea from the view of your aunt’s private jet was a bittersweet revelation. It was beautiful. So achingly and hauntingly beautiful with the ghosts of your past and the shattered promises for the future. If you squint, you could still make out remnants of the Han River. Traces of a place that seemed to cry for you as you left for the states.

You didn’t want to be truthful to yourself. You didn’t want to admit that you wouldn’t miss Korea because of the people or the landscape or the weather. You’d miss it because they were there. That home had been so close you could nearly taste it. 

The trip was a chaotic blur. You faded in and out of sleep, in a hypnotic trance that proved to be your body’s self-defense mechanism to repress every emotion you had felt since you left. Stewardesses offering you flutes of champagne, drivers loading and unloading your luggage, the words of everyone around you flowing in and out like a stream of water that you ignored. 

“I trust everything is to your satisfaction, Y/N? Really, you must come visit more often. Your uncle and I have missed you terribly.” 

Your aunt had always been a kind woman. She was from your mother’s side, and like everyone else, so oblivious to the true nature of the Yoo family. How sinister things truly were behind those closed, gold-plated doors. Their house was grand, large enough so that you could make yourself scarce and wouldn’t be a disturbance. Though you couldn’t help but to notice the lack of boyish voices drifting down the hall, or the rhythm of Taehyung’s hands on the keyboard in the room next to you. 

You offer a kind smile to the butler, who gently sets your singular backpack on the plush bed that screamed out your name. 

“Thank you so much for everything, Aunt Kim. I promise I’ll transfer over the money for the plane fees and carry my weight around here for the time being.” 

Your words make you nearly wince with the uncertainty of your wobbly plans. Where would you even get the money? Ask your father? Ask them? 

“I....I promise to be out of your hair as quickly as I can”, you shakily breathe, failing to convince yourself. Yet your aunt only holds a kind smile and a warm gaze.

“Stay as long as you want, dear. It’s the least we could do to repay everything your family has done for us over the years. Especially your father.”

You know you cannot blame her oblivion. Not when it is such a well-guarded secret. Yet her words douse kerosene to the fire in your chest. Tugs at the stitches of the subconscious wounds you have yet to heal. It makes you remember them. Your boys. How they would burn at hearing such words, grit their teeths and spit poison at anyone who held your father’s name in a high regard.

Or would they? After everything, you’re not so sure anymore. Painful or not, it makes you miss them even more. 

So you smile. Bite your tongue, hold your fists at your side, and thank her again for the kindness she has shown you when you had nowhere else to run. America felt different. The air itself seemed like a culture shock. Being the ambassador’s daughter had prepared you for fluency in English and how to carry yourself diplomatically, but the journey ahead was bound to be rough. 

For the first time in your life, you would be the only one you had to care for. Not Soyeon, not your mother, not Bangtan. You’d have to do this by yourself, now, and though all the emotions you have locked away will inevitably return to confront you, this sanctuary for now would have to be enough.

You were surprisingly more difficult to find than the boys had expected. Traveling alone with no clunky belongings meant you were able to move more quickly than they had anticipated and the motel you stayed at was paid for in all cash. However, nothing in the city could really happen under Bangtan’s watch, and here you were. Video footage displayed on the screen of their basement office, and they can only feel heartache as they watch you through the screen. 

“She checked out in the morning. Got picked up by a gray SUV and taken to the airport.” Taehyung drones, eyes still glued to the screen. Like looking at your pixelated face would bring you closer to him somehow. He missed you. They all did. 

“The plane’s not registered with any public company, so I’m guessing it’s a private one belonging to her family.” Taehyung adds on, leaning forward in his chair to rest his elbows on the table. The air was tense with frustration. Anger at themselves and at each other for letting his happen. For making you run away. 

“Any idea where it’s going?” Yoongi quietly murmurs from the end of the long table. 

“America.” 

America. You felt so discouraged and hurt by them that you had to go all the way to America. They did this. This is their fault.

“So? What are we waiting for? Tell the guards to prep the jet to America. We’ll bring her back”, Jimin gawks at Namjoon, who nurses a glass of scotch like it’s his lifeline. The room falls silent awaiting their leader’s course of action, but the six of them are left speechless when Namjoon himself starts laughing. The kind of laugh that sends chills down their spines. So raucous yet emotionless. So full of hidden pain. Namjoon tips the rest of the glass down his throat, looking at them all with a hopeless expression. 

“What makes you think she wants to see us? After what we put her through? Hell, I’d be surprised if she lets us within a 10 foot radius.” Namjoon’s words are cruel, but they can’t help but to believe it to be true. 

“N-No. She’ll understand that we were stressed. I-If we just explain everything, I’m sure she’ll-”

“Don’t you remember what happened in the kitchen? What Jun said? She’s been withering away for weeks, Jimin, and none of us gave enough of a fuck to notice. We made her feel invisible.” Namjoon chuckles, but there is only pain in his tone. One that he drowns out with another swig of top-shelf whiskey. 

“We can fix it. We can go to America and fix it”, Hoseok stares down the leader, insistent on making efforts. 

“No we can’t Hoseok”, Jin’s brows furrow, eyes lighting with fire, “Jun said she didn’t sleep. She didn’t eat. I wouldn’t take us back either.” 

The boys know better than to take it personally. They were all heartbroken in the wake of your leaving, so desperate to get to you yet ashamed of themselves, apprehensive of if they even have the right to chase after you. 

Jungkook leaps up from his seat, chest huffing and hands raking violently through his hair. He paces back and forth, eyes swimming in hurt and frustration until it all seemed to combust through his body, flinging his office chair to the side to find any form of catharsis. 

He spares a poisoned glance over to Yoongi’s direction, who still sits with his eyes glued to the floor, as if ashamed of his mere existence. 

“You.” The malice in Jungkook’s voice is crystal clear.Yoongi’s shirt collar is acquaintanced with Jungkook’s fisted hand, and he grips onto the older man like a viper to its prey. As if blunt force could make you come back. The other five boys could only watch. 

“You did this. You told her to leave. Now she’s gone. I loved her, Yoongi.” Though Jungkook’s words are pumped with antipathy, the sheer devastation is heard most through it all. Yoongi doesn’t fight back. Doesn’t even make a move to push the younger off or shield himself from oncoming hits. Just sits passively with a monotone expression, staring into Jungkook’s eyes with a blank gaze.

“You’re not faultless. You yelled at her too.” 

No, none of them are faultless. And perhaps Yoongi’s words were the nails in the coffin, but they all had part in pushing you to that brink. Jungkook’s eyes gloss over with defeat, and the grip he had on Yoongi’s shirt loosens. He steps away, unable to meet any of the gazes of his older brothers or the footage of your distressed face on the flat screen monitor. Leave. That’s all he’s known to do.

“Jungkook?” Yoongi holds no anger in his voice. It stops Jungkook in his tracks as he waits for his hyung to finish. 

“I loved her too. We all do.”

They can only pray they’ll get to tell you. 

The diner two blocks away from your aunt’s apartment complex is the last place anyone would expect Ambassador Yoo’s eldest daughter to be, much less employed at. You had spent the last two weeks scouring the area for a place that would take a girl with no prior work experience, a pending student visa, and no contacts or references. But here you were, working a minimum wage job and saving every penny to make something of yourself in this entirely new country. 

It hasn’t been easy. Trying not to think about the seven boys that you left back home. The seven boys that you love so desperately and hopelessly, and foolishly thought they felt the same. It’s in the wee hours of the night that you toss and turn, closing your eyes and imagine yourself back at their manor. You will your brain to manifest the clacking sounds of Taehyung’s keyboard from across the wall or the footsteps of Yoongi’s bulky shoes when he walks past your door every night. 

You miss them compulsively so. And perhaps they do not deserve your thoughts or heartache, but it belongs to them. Even after everything, you still belong to them. But you won’t give yourself the luxury of thinking you mean more than someone who they took pity on. 

The days are the same. You get up early in the morning, put on a pot of coffee by yourself much to the disapproval of the housekeeper. Though it’s baby steps, you feel more independent this way. The coffee is terrible, of course, but it’s the thought that counts. 

You leave before your aunt even leaves her bedroom, dedicated to your full-time job and earning money whenever you can. The pay is almost humorous, and a week’s worth of your labor probably equates to what Soyeon spends in a day. But it is your work. Your money. And though everyday starts and ends with heartache and longing for a life you once had in your grasp, it feels refreshing to learn to only need yourself. 

“Y/N”, your manager sighs as you stumble through the door with frazzled hair and painfully dark under eyes. “You’re late.”

“I know, I know, I’m so sorry. Traffic was insane this morning. It won’t happen again.” Your hair is expertly swept back into a haphazard bun, fiddling with the apron around your waist before jumping to the orders that have begun to get cold on the counter. 

The work was simple. Slow. But it was honest and enough for you. The diner was calm; a refreshing environment from the one you had in Korea. 

“Here you are, sir. Black coffee and a side of toast”, you muttered in a sugary sweet voice, fake smile stretched on your face to hide the perpetual pain in your chest that has not went away since you left the Bangtan house. It’s easier these days to just not think about it. To completely repress the trauma of your father and the boys and the failed therapy. The smile drops as soon as you turn around to walk back to the counter. 

“Rough morning?” Lina’s voice is gravelly, rough from the coffee and 15-minute smoke breaks she takes every lunch. 

“Something like that.” You collapse onto the cashier counter, holding your head in your hands to will away the pounding ache of your temples. 

“First it was me completely sleeping through the morning alarm. Then it was the bus detouring and making five extra stops they usually don’t”, you huff.

“Y/N?”

“And don’t get me started on the fact that I decided to drop my phone in a puddle when I was running here.”

“Y/N.” Lina’s voice cuts through your venting monologue. She stares past you, as if there was something behind you captivating her attention. 

“I think someone is staring at us from across the street.” Your brows furror at her words, whipping around to the window. When you see him. The air in the diner thins until it completely disappears, and the breath is stolen from your lungs. 

Your paled face and shaking hands is what he sees from where he’s standing, clad in a black hoodie that covered his head, but you could recognize him in your sleep.You are both frozen in time and chaos, staring at each other like you both did not belong. Eyes glued to the other like you are both too good to be true.

 Are you imagining it? Through the tears that reflexively pooled in your eyes and the way your body quivers, are you finally going insane and imagining a person who has been plaguing your mind for weeks? 

Your feet carry you into action when your mind is still stuck in shellshock, bursting out of the diner doors with desperation on your tongue, hands reaching out as if it would span across the streetlight and bring him closer. 

“Jin?” You are not quiet. You scream his name across what feels like a chasm, but is only just a couple meters away. Your legs usher you into the open street, and cars veer and honk to avoid your form, frozen on the crosswalk. 

It takes you one second to blink and him one second to disappear into the crowd. Like he was never there at all and your mind was playing cruel, evil tricks on your already crumbling soul. A ruse that Lina was in on, just to torture your decimated spirit. 

Could you allow yourself the luxury to think that he had come to see you? You didn’t know if you even wanted him to, didn’t know if you had it in you to forgive and forget.

“Jin.” 

It comes out as a shaky whisper under your breath. A broken voice that longs for something she cannot have. Something that was so far in space and time it now felt like a figment of your imagination. You allow a tear to fall, your heart to crack a bit more, and return to the diner.

“Where have you been running off to these days?” The words are snide. Coated in feigned concern and curiosity and meant to be a jab at Jin’s recent absence in Bangtan activities. They are easy to fall from Yoongi’s lips as he steals another swig of the McKellan whiskey he’s been saving up for a special occasion or a rainy day. What more fitting than to mourn the space in his heart where you used to be. 

Jin stays silent, only giving the intoxicated Yoongi a heavy eye roll and trudging past him. To say that the seven men were in terrible shape after your departure is a gross understatement. But Yoongi’s onset alcoholism seemed mild compared to how the rest of the boys were faring.

Both Taehyung and Jungkook haven’t left their rooms since finding out you were in America, only the sounds of their computer keys, heavy footsteps, and the empty food plates left at their doors to signal that they were alive in there. Namjoon had thrown himself into work, picking up the slack of all the other boys and sometimes emerging from his office at the early hours of dawn looking like he hasn’t slept in a week. His gaunty face and the way his once fitted shirt now falls loosely on his shoulders tells Jin he hasn’t eaten much either. 

Hoseok could more often than not be found in the training room, breaking and bruising himself to numb him from the pain of losing you. He takes it out on the poor gang recruits that were unlucky enough to be chosen to spar with him. 

And Jin? Well, Jin spent his days away from the house. Away from the business and the drugs and the people. He never tells anyone where he’s going or when he’s coming back and they are all too drained to try to ask. The boys live together but not truly. Just exist and breathe in the same space and too resentful of themselves and the others to fix the fragments you left behind. They miss you. Long for you and burn for you like they never have for anyone else. 

See, it’s one thing to not know where you are and be forced to be away from you on the basis of ignorance. But to know your exact location, have the time and resources to easily get to you, yet can’t come to you because they’ve hurt you immeasurably is a different kind of torture. A different kind of ache that haunts their souls at every waking moment. You are so close and so far away, and they only have themselves to blame for the distance. 

“Jun, can you make a meal for Namjoon? I’ll take it up to him.” Jin sighs to the housekeeper, shedding off his coat on the kitchen stool. 

Jun nods knowingly, fully aware of the effects your absence has had on the masters of the house. And she is not blind to Jin’s indifference or the way he is doing worlds better than the others. 

“He’ll probably try to yell at me and make you go away first. But he’ll be thankful eventually.” Jin nurses a cup of tea to warm him after his journey. Ones that he takes every week and for days at a time. 

Jun nods again, assembling a tray of food that Namjoon will undoubtedly leave to get cold either at his door or the end of his desk. Before he leaves, however, Jun spares the man a knowing glance and a sad smile. 

“You may want to return the private jet more promptly next time, sir. The others have gotten...wary.” 

Jin’s eyes widen at her words, frozen for a millisecond in his footsteps as realization strikes in that he hadn’t been as inconspicuous as he thought. He says nothing as he departs from the kitchen. Only stares at the marble floor and wonders what would be the next time he’d get to see you. Even if from a street’s distance. 

It takes four syncopated knocks before semblance of a noise emerges from behind Namjoon’s closed door. It comes in the form of an angered grunt, but Jin is no stranger to his leader’s brunt. He opens the door with no further permission. 

Namjoon is in worse shape than he had expected. His hair is another level of unruly, greasy and matted and looking like the man ran his hands through it a billion times. The paperwork strewn across his desk and floor reflects the mess in Namjoon’s own head. Like he is suffocating himself in his work but still finds breath in his lungs. Still finds you in his thoughts. 

“You need to eat”, Jin states demandingly. Namjoon only hums in response, keeping his eyes glued to the work in front of him. Jin pushes the tray into his line of vision.

“Eat, Joon. You can’t work if you starve. Y/N would want you to eat.” 

Your name makes his pen stop writing. Makes his eyes widen like he hasn’t heard it said aloud in ages. It’s pathetic to Namjoon, really. How much one person has affected him.

“How would you know what Y/N wants, Jin? How would any of us?” He sneers, resuming the scribbling on his paper. Jin sighs dejectedly, opting to leave the food on his table and not be bothered with trying to help someone who so clearly didn’t want to be helped. He turns around to leave. Until Namjoon opens his mouth again. 

“Unless….”, he teeters, “you do know what she wants.” He tosses the pen and papers aside, crossing his arms and sitting back in the desk chair. 

“Unless you’ve been going behind our backs to see her.”

Had he been turned around facing Namjoon, the younger would have seen the clear exposed truth on his face. The blatant and unhidden look of guilt and shame that he quickly masks once he whips to face Namjoon. 

“What are you talking about?” 

The responding statement is quick. Too quick. Too accosting. Namjoon squints his eyes. 

“Only the several days these past weeks you’ve disappeared from Bangtan’s radar. The bills for the jet fuel sent to my directory. The pilots you’ve been pulling away from our forces in Korea to personally tend to whatever shady business you’ve been hiding under my nose.” 

Namjoon’s words are rapid fire, piercing into the facade that Jin thought he had so carefully crafted. He should’ve known nothing goes unnoticed under the leader’s eye. 

“Namjoon, I-”

“Just be glad I didn’t tell the others. Especially Jungkook.” The thought of the youngest makes him sigh. Jungkook has always been so volatile. A ticking, emotionally-charged and codependent time bomb hiding under that muscle and masculinity. Namjoon knew better than to expose something like this just yet.

When he looks up at the man standing in the doorway of his office, he’s looking straight past him. Through the window like it was you he saw in the sky. Observing him now, up close and with more attention, Namjoon finally gets to truly see him. 

On the surface, Jin is faring worlds better than any of them. He’s clean and freshly showered, hair coiffed to perfection like it usually is. He dons a black button up; perfectly ironed without a crease in sight. But Namjoon knows him better than that. Jin looks so utterly drained it stirs sympathy in even the darkest of hearts. His eyes communicate something his words can’t: Seokjin is completely lost without your light. 

“I’m sorry.” The words come out breathily. Like he’s been waiting to say it all this time but couldn’t. 

“I just…”, he stares down at his hands, “I just needed to see her. See if she was doing alright after we…” Jin trails off, not able to face the truth of their actions just yet. And though there is lingering anger in Namjoon, he can’t help but to feel his distress vicariously. 

“You know, she’s a waitress now. At this small, run-down diner downtown. With a cute little apron and everything”, he chuckles softly, sadness seeping in every word. 

“She lives with her aunt and uncle, and walks everywhere because she doesn’t have a car, at unholy hours of the night which keeps me up every night constantly worrying about her. But that’s Y/N, isn’t it? So careless of her own safety and well-being.” 

Namjoon refrains the smile that creeps on his face at the thought of you. 

“She was smiling when I saw her. I could still see she was sad but she was smiling. Like she always does just so other people feel happier around her.”

“Jin, you don’t have to-”

“And she’s lost so much weight, Namjoon. She was trying to yell out for help and all we did was ignore her.”

Jin’s words are nails on a chalkboard. Vinegar in wine. It makes them both nauseous and rueful, and the oxygen in Namjoon’s office suddenly becomes all too suffocating. Your presence, or lack thereof, has left a heavy residue on the walls of the manor. 

The two boys sit in silence for a moment, before the sound of thumping boots on hardwood flooring echoes down the hallway, getting louder as it approaches the office. The door is nearly taken off its hinges as it violently swings open. Taehyung stands in the threshold, sweat on his brow and chest huffing up and down like an overexerted engine. He is pale in the face, hands trembling at his side and the sheer shock in his gaze tells the two older men that the words preparing to slip from his tongue are not going to be pleasant. Jin and Namjoon brace themselves for impact. 

“It’s Y/N”, his whispered voice quivers. Their hearts drop. 

“There’s been an accident.” 

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[badassbuchanan]

No Goodbye

Part 2 Part 3

Plot: Bucky’s left to pick up the pieces of a broken heart

Warnings: you will cry, angst, this is very very sad, sweet Bucky

Word Count: 4295

A/N: decided to branch out and do a non-smut angsty fic - it’s my first one please be nice 💕

“Bucky?” Y/N’s voice whispered worriedly as she watched the small team walk back through the compound with their heads hung low. The long haired super soldier looked over at her with saddened eyes, his heart sinking when he saw the hopefully look on her face. 

Y/N’s hearted thudded against her chest, her bottom lip quivering as she watched the team look at her sympathetically. “Bucky, where’s Steve?” Worst case scenarios fled through her mind as she noticed the heartbreak in Bucky’s eyes, she’d never seen her boyfriend’s best friend look so sad.

Bucky’s eyes closed for a moment too long, the raw emotion in her voice breaking his heart. He felt tears begin welling up in his eyes, knowing he had to be the one to break the news. He let out a deep sigh, trying to steady his breathing and keep his sadness at bay as he braved a glance over at Y/N. 

“Steve’s gone, Y/N.” Bucky mumbled, hearing a whimper of pain leave the girl’s lips as she broke down in front of him. Her hands flew up to cover her mouth, loud sobs filling the room as Bucky flinched in weakness, he couldn’t stand to see her like this. “He’s not coming back, Doll.” He was still trying to process the fact himself, saying it out loud only made it that much more real.

“No,” She shook her head in denial, tears streaming down her face as Bucky let his head fall back to conceal his tears. He started walking towards her, only knowing too well how hard it was to lose Steve. “No, Bucky, he promised.” 

“I know,” Bucky blew out shakily as he tugged her almost lifeless body towards him, wrapping his arms around her tightly as she sobbed against his chest. He sighed solemnly when he felt her hands clinging to the material of his t-shirt, her tears soaking through the thin material and onto his chest. “I know, Doll.”

Bucky knew more than anyone how it felt to have a promise broken by Steve. Bucky had just had to say goodbye to his childhood best friend, but Y/N had just lost the love of her life. 

She’d fallen for Steve the first day she met him. He was like a prince in a world full of frogs. She didn’t know if it was a forties thing, or a Steve thing, but he was everything she’d ever dreamed of. Steve loved Y/N just as much, she was his little piece of light in a cruel world. She reminded him of what was important and made him feel like part of him was still normal.

Shhh.” Bucky soothed her quietly, squeezing his eyes shut tightly as he rested his chin against the top of her head. Her head began to spin, trying to process what was happening as she cried helplessly against Bucky’s chest. “It’s gunna be okay.” Bucky breathed out shakily, repeating the words that Steve had said to him before he left, hoping it would somehow calm her down. Although right now, he didn’t even believe those words himself.

———

It had been a few weeks, but the days seemed to all blur into one for Y/N. She didn’t leave her room unless it was to run errands, but even then, she avoided everyone. She felt so out of place, like everywhere she was, it was wrong. It didn’t matter if she was making a cup of tea in the kitchen, reading a book in the living room, taking a shower in the bathroom or trying to have a nap on her bed. It all seemed so wrong, like she shouldn’t be doing anything without Steve.

“I don't know who I am anymore, Buck.” She sighed numbly, her mind spaced out in mourning, her eyes damp with tears just as they had been every day before. Bucky was the only person she’d spoken to, and that was only because she knew he needed someone to talk to. Maybe he liked talking to her because she reminded him of Steve.

Bucky’s heart ached as he watched her face, so straight and emotionless. She was so broken, he heard her crying when no one else was around, especially at night. It was as if she was so tired of being in pain that her face was no longer able to show expression. 

“I think if anyone can relate to not knowing who they are, Y/N. It’s me.” He pursed his lips together in a sympathetic smile, leaning his hands against the edge of the mattress from where he sat on her bed. He watched her carelessly fold the clean washing, trying to harden the pain inside her heart. 

“Yeah and who helped you through that, Buck?” She hissed out sadly, angry at herself for still being so helpless and lost after weeks. She hadn’t said Steve’s name since the day she’d found out he’d gone. Bucky had noticed it, but he wasn’t sure if anyone else had. 

Bucky sighed as he tilted his head absentmindedly, he hated Steve for leaving him, but he hated him more for leaving her. A frown crinkled on her forehead as she concentrated on stopping her tears from escaping her eyes, letting out a quiet sniffle as she kept her eyes focused on the washing in front of her.

“God, I just feel so alone.” She sighed in frustration, throwing the pair of shorts she was folding down on the bed. Her eyes closed as she wrapped her arms around herself, a tear trickling down her cheek as she sniffed again. 

“You’re not alone, Doll.” Bucky whispered sadly, trying to be supportive as his eyes softened and he carefully reached his flesh arm out to hold her hand. 

“But I am, Buck.” She pulled away from his hand as soon as she felt it, the action so sudden it made Bucky jump as she took a step away from him. “You’ve got Sam and Sharon.” She gritted her teeth at the mention of the girl that Steve had once kissed, her hands balling up into fists out of frustration. “Pepper’s got Morgan, Clint has his family, Peter’s got May, Fury’s got Maria, T’Challa’s got Shuri. But who do I got?” Her lips trembled as she pressed them together in a hard pout, looking down at the space in front of her. “He was everything I had and now he’s gone.”

Bucky listened silently to her rant, hanging his head as his heart broke at the shakiness of her angry voice. He fiddled with his hands, he knew nothing he could say would make her feel better. All she wanted was Steve. 

“I don't even know why I’m still here.” She mumbled weakly, looking around the room that had once been filled with happy memories. It hurt, everything hurt. Living at the compound was a constant reminder of the life she had once shared with Steve. Her anger faded back to sadness as she closed her eyes tightly, breaking down in silent sobs as she thought about how they’d planned to spend their future together. They’d talked about it a lot. “When all this is over, we’ll move to Brooklyn. We’ll get married, pop out a couple of babies. Oh, and we have to get a dog.” The memory of Steve’s words caused an aching cry to leave her lips, his voice ringing through her mind as she felt her whole body go weak. “I can’t do this anymore.” 

Bucky’s watery eyes widened in panic at her words, his head immediately turning to her as he instinctively reached his arm out towards her again. She was too helpless to pull away this time, letting his strong hand pull her body into his lap as she collapsed against him. 

He was worried about how she was handing the process of grieving, knowing how much it had the power to manipulate thoughts. He didn’t want her doing anything stupid, anything irrational, anything harmful. He’d become so protective over her, knowing that she was the only other person who really understood what it was like losing Steve. Anytime she cried, Bucky was right there holding her.

“I’m sorry.” Bucky sobbed out, unable to control his emotions as he wrapped his arms around her, holding her as tight as he could. Y/N’s arms wrapped around his neck as she cried against him, a position she’d come to know so well. “I’m so sorry.” Bucky felt guilty, like he was the one responsible for Steve not coming back. He was there, he should’ve tried harder, said something to make Steve change his mind.

She whimpered against him, erratically breathing against his chest as she felt her throat closing up. The all too familiar feeling of heartache took over as her hand dropped to his metal arm, clinging to him tightly as she relaxed against his chest. 

Bucky rocked them back and forth lightly, trying to soothe her as he broke down. He rubbed her back with his flesh hand, his head dropping close to hers as he held her close. 

“I didn’t even get to say goodbye.” She sniffed sadly, her eyes puffy and cheeks red from the crying. Her face was lightly stained with red lines from where her tears had fallen, the salty liquid stinging her skin.

Bucky let out the breath he’d been holding in shakily, his heart aching at her words. Their burning cheeks touched as Bucky’s hand came up to massage the back of her head. He felt so responsible for Steve not coming back. “I’m sorry.” 

She stayed there in his arms, his chest rising and falling against her side as she closed her stinging eyes. She inhaled the scent of his cologne, feeling safe in his lap as her heartbeat began to steady itself. 

Bucky noticed the way her head pressed limply further against his bearded cheek, turning his head to face her as his hand cradled the back of her neck. “It’s gunna be okay.” He whispered as a soft smile washed over his reddened face, noticing her falling asleep in his arms.

”Will you stay with me tonight?” She whispered tiredly, her eyes blinking rapidly as she fought the inevitable exhaustion. “Please Buck, I don't want to be alone.”

A selfish wave of relief washed over Bucky as he held her, still processing Steve’s absence himself, he thanked his lucky stars that at least for one night, he wouldn’t have to be alone.

———

Weeks of Steve being gone had turned into months, his absence left a void, an emptiness that was inevitably never going away, both for Bucky and Y/N.

“Y/N?” Bucky’s voice deepened with concern as he threw the car keys in the fruit bowl, being warned of her bad state by F.R.I.D.A.Y as soon as he’d walked in through the front door. “Y/N.” He called out again, picking up his pace as he rushed through the compound to find her. 

“She’s in Mr Roger’s room, Sergeant Barnes.” the AI spoke as Bucky began to panic, his heart sinking as he burst through the door of Cap’s old bedroom. No one had gone in there since he’d left, not even Y/N. 

But that’s where she was, lying on the floor, looking up at the blank ceiling. Bucky sighed with his eyes closed before he walked over to her slowly, aware of her almost unconscious state. 

His heart sped up immediately as he was hit with wave upon wave of memories of his best friend. The smell of the room, the shelves covered with small trinkets that were important to him, his record collection, the framed photo of Y/N and Steve next to his neatly made bed. It was all too overwhelming.

“What did you do, Doll?” He breathed out sadly as he crouched down next to her, his flesh fingers tracing over the empty bottle of asgardian liquor that lay in her limp hand. He carefully took the bottle from her, his eyes looking up at hers, glazed over with dilated pupils.

Y/N kept her head facing the ceiling, only moving her eyes to glance over at him. “I got lost.” She mumbled almost inaudibly, catching a hiccup in her throat as her eyes closed. 

How could she tell Bucky the truth when it was so silly. She’d gone in there to talk to him. No, she wasn’t crazy, she knew he wasn’t going to be there. She thought she would find comfort in being around his belongings, that it would make her feel connected to him. But it didn’t work.

Bucky sighed, letting his fingers intertwine with hers as he held her hand. His thumb rubbed over her skin soothingly as he bit the inside of his lip, the helpless feeling inside of him was starting to become permanent. He desperately wanted to help her, to make everything okay. But there was nothing he could do except be there for her.

“I wasn't good enough for him.” Her words made Bucky’s heart ache with sadness, his eyes closing as he squeezed her hand a little tighter. “Maybe if I was better, he would've stay-” 

“Don’t say that.” Bucky shook his head, his voice cracking a little. Y/N was the most beautiful, funny, talented girl he’d ever met. The more time he spent with her, the more he realised that. It hurt him to hear her say that she wasn’t good enough, that she had convinced herself that was the reason Steve had left. Bucky cursed Steve in his head, frustrated with what his decision to leave had done to her.

Y/N blamed herself for Steve not coming back. She hated herself for not being a good enough reason for him to stay. She sat up most nights trying to figure out exactly what it was that made him decide to go, but she couldn’t understand it.

"I thought he loved me.” Bucky felt the tears streaming down his face as he squeezed his eyes shut tightly. It physically pained him to hear how much she was hurting, the constant torment going on inside of her mind. How lost she felt, how deep Steve’s leaving had cut her up inside.

“He did, Y/N. He still does.” Bucky’s words spluttered out between sniffs. The alcohol was helping to numb Y/N’s pain, her tears silently rolling down her cheeks instead of her usual aching whimpers and heavy breathing. 

“He didn’t even say goodbye.” She mumbled painfully, her wording changing from the perspective she’d had a few weeks ago. Her sleepless nights had given her more than enough time to think, and she’d come to the conclusion that Steve knew what his plan was, so he had the chance to say goodbye, to be upfront and tell her, but he didn’t. Why? The most obvious answer in Y/N’s mind was because he didn’t care, not about her anyway. “Don’t sit there and tell me you do that to someone you love.”

Bucky stayed silent for a moment, pondering in his own thoughts as Y/N went back to staring at the ceiling. At some point since he’d left, Bucky had questioned continuing to defend his best friend. Bucky had watched what Steve’s decisions had done to Y/N, what his actions were still doing to her and in Bucky’s eyes, nothing on earth was worth causing her this much sadness. 

“C’mon, Doll. You’re tired, I know. Let me take you to bed.” He whispered through his heavy breathing as he scooped her up, lifting her body effortlessly as he cradled her in his arms. Y/N didn’t object, nuzzling her face into his chest as her arms wrapped around Bucky’s neck.

Bucky going go bed with Y/N had become routine most nights since the first time she’d asked him to stay with her, they both enjoyed the company and knew neither of them expected anything more than a warm body to hold.

He carried her down the hall until they reached her room, laying her carefully on the bed once they were inside. He pushed the loose hair away from her face, rubbing his thumb lovingly over her cheek as he admired her. 

“I’m just getting you some comfy clothes, I’ll be right back.” Bucky whispered as he leaned over her, pressing a gentle kiss on her forehead. She nodded softly, not taking her eyes off of him as he she watched him move around the room. 

Y/N was beyond grateful for Bucky, he’d been by her side the whole time. Whenever she needed him, he was right there. She felt guilty for lashing out at him sometimes, when all he’d ever done was shower her with love and patience. She wondered if he’d had time himself to process Steve leaving, or if he was suppressing his emotions in order to support her. Either way, Bucky had always made sure that she never felt completely alone, he took pride in looking after her, sometimes it was the only distraction from his destructive thoughts.

“Here you go.” He hummed sweetly, sliding his hand under her back to lift her torso up from the mattress. She sat up obediently as Bucky’s hand let go of her, turning around so that she could get changed privately. 

She smiled shyly at his gentlemanly ways, somewhat reminded of the way Steve was. She looked down at her body as she pulled her shirt over her head, maybe if she looked like a supermodel, Steve would’ve stayed. 

She blinked rapidly to contain her tears, her lips dropping into a pout as she quickly changed into the clothes Bucky had set out for her. A sudden wave of self consciousness hit her as she turned her body to face away from Bucky, laying back down on the bed to hide her body under the covers.

“It’s okay if you want to leave, Buck. I understand.” Her voice came out as a whimper, her eyes dropping to look down at the mattress as she heard Bucky turn back around to face her. 

He sighed sadly as he looked down at her curled up alone on the bed, wishing she knew that he needed her as much as she needed him. He knew after tonight that she was blaming herself for Steve leaving, forcing herself to feel unworthy and unloved. 

“Hey,” Bucky called out to her softly, pulling back his side of the blanket as he slid in beside her. He gently rotated her body to face him, her eyes avoiding his as he pulled her against his chest. “I’m not going anywhere. I pro-” 

“Don’t.” She cut him off, shaking her head as she slid her arms up around his neck. “Don’t make any promises.” Her heartbeat quickened as the sadness engulfed her. “Please.”

Y/N woke up the next morning in a dream like daze, feeling strong arms wrapped tightly around her, her cheek pressed against a warm chest rising and falling in a slow rhythm.

“Steve?” She whispered out sweetly, it was the first moment of peace she’d had in months. Then reality came crashing down on her, remembering Steve was gone. Bucky heard her say it, it was the first time she’d said Steve’s name since he left, his whole body froze as his heart ached sympathetically for her. 

Y/N sighed sadly, pressing her face further into Bucky’s chest as she began uncontrollably sobbing. Wave upon wave of misery flooded her body as Bucky rubbed her back under the thin material of her t-shirt, trying his best to soothe her. 

“Shhhh,” Bucky whispered gently, his metal hand playing with the back of her hair as he held her close. “It’s gunna be okay.”

Bucky had repeated Steve’s words to her almost every day, not that she knew they were Steve’s words, but he didn’t know if he was saying them to comfort her or himself. Either way, as time went on, it was getting harder to believe that it was going to be okay.

———

Y/N had taken a nap for the first time in almost six months. She’d woken up to an empty bed, an unusual occurrence, especially since Bucky had been wrapped up in her arms when she’d fallen asleep.

They’d grown so close since Steve had left, their friendship had blossomed into an unbreakable bond, a deep connection that no one could explain. They understood each other on a level of complexity that formed so rarely it was unheard of. They relied on each other.

She padded softly down the hallway, heading towards the sound of Bucky’s voice coming from the common area. She slowed her steps, gliding her palm along the cold wall as she caught part of his conversation.

“No, I can’t do this anymore.” Bucky hissed to whoever was on the other end of the phone, his voice agitated yet quiet, as if he didn’t want to be heard. “I’ve made up my mind. I’m leaving.”

Y/N’s heart sunk deep into her chest, her head spinning in disbelief as she moved into view of the doorway just in time to see Bucky hang up the phone.

“Bucky?” She whimpered sadly, her chest heaving as it tightened around her heart, her eyes widened innocently as her bottom lip quivered. “You’re leaving?”

Bucky looked up at where she was standing, his eyebrows arching in panic as he realised what she’d walked into. “Y/N.” He started deeply, a lump forming in his throat as he watched her react. “I can explain.”

She shook her head rapidly as she squeezed her eyes shut, a bubbling sense of betrayal and anger erupted in her body. “You’re just the same as he is!” She yelled as she felt tears welling up in her eyes, turning to run back to her room as she thought about going through the process of losing someone again. She couldn’t take it.

She slammed the door behind her, bursting into tears as she paced around her room, slightly hyperventilating as the fear overwhelmed her.

“Y/N,” Bucky burst through her bedroom door, shutting it loudly behind him without a care as he walked over to her. “Calm down.”

She shook her head as Bucky grabbed her by her upper arms, forcing her to stop pacing as she hung her head to avoid his eye contact. “Were you even going to tell me?”

“Stop.” Bucky’s voice hardened as he tried to get her to listen, his eyes softening with worry as his heart raced.

“Or were you just going to leave without saying goodbye?” She disobeyed his command, her anger turning into sadness as she looked up into his gorgeous blue eyes.

“Listen to me,” He spoke softly, gripping onto her arms tightly as his thumbs rubbed over of skin. She looked away from his eyes, her eyebrows arching in sadness as she anticipated what he was going to say. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I can’t lose you too, Bucky. I can’t.” She panicked as she thought about losing Bucky the same way she’d lost Steve. She wanted to believe him, but how could she possibly know if he was telling the truth? Her lips stayed in a pout, her eyes glued to the right of his body.

Bucky sighed in frustration, his heart broke knowing she didn’t believe him. “Look at me!” He spoke loudly, shaking her arms a little as her glossy eyes finally met his. “I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

Y/N lifted her hands to hold onto the material of his shirt over his stomach, holding him close as if it would keep him there forever. “I heard you on the phone, Buck.”

“Yeah, I know.” Bucky smiled softly, slightly relieved that she was listening to him now as he admired her face. His flesh hand moved up to cup her cheek, rubbing her temple with his thumb. “You heard me telling Fury that I’m leaving, as in leaving the team, not leaving you.” He shook his head, his eyebrows arching as a sympathetic look covered his face.

Her eyes looked up at him with a soft sparkle that he hadn’t seen in a long time, he let out a shaky breath, his eyes softening as he smiled down at her. “You’re really not leaving?”

He shook his head as he watched her sigh in relief, his arms wrapping around her to hold her close. “I’m not going anywhere, doll.”

“Trust me, Y/N.” Bucky whispered as he admired her face, his thumb rubbing across her cheek soothingly. “It’s gunna be okay.” Something about the way Steve said those words made it sounds true, but when Bucky heard himself say it, it was hard for him to believe.

———

“What the hell am I supposed to tell Y/N?” Bucky looked over at his oldest friend, his eyes saddened with stress and responsibility. “She’s gunna ask questions, Steve.”

“Tell her I’ve left. That I’m not coming back.” Steve instructed the long haired super-soldier, sadly running his hand through his blonde hair.

“And you think she’s just gunna accept that?” Bucky shook his head as he kicked a pebble next to his foot absentmindedly. He looked back up at Cap, trying to make him understand. “She loves you, Steve.”

“Bucky, you know I have to do this.” Steve pressed his lips together as he looked sympathetically over at Bucky. His decision wasn’t an easy one, and his best friend trying to change his mind was only making it harder. “I’m leaving her with my best pal.”

Steve grabbed Bucky’s shoulder reassuringly, witnessing the distress on his face, what Steve was asking him to do was huge. “It’s gunna be okay, Buck.”

Bucky sighed, trusting that Steve knew what was best as he wrapped his arms around his friend to say goodbye. “No matter what happens, she can never find out the truth, Buck.”

tag list:

@harrysthiccthighss

@annestine

@bestofbucky

@be-patient-be-good

@nothing0is4here

@velvetcardiganbucky

@sexwithhiddlesbatch

@codyl-angdon​

[saphirered]

We've all seen fics where Caleb's SO dies and gets resurrected, and we seen Caleb accidentally hurting his SO, but what about Caleb accidentially killing his SO? Maybe Reader got burned by one of his fire attacks? The revival's successful, but damn, the angst.

Angst was requested and angst you shall receive. I hope this is to your liking. 😘

Trigger warning for death and grief themes.

Caleb sits on his knees, head bowed, whispering pleas in Zemnian to the gods, the world, to you, your cold hand encased between his own, occasionally pressing a kiss to it in the hopes you’d just wake up. But you’re not going to wake up. Not in the way you would in the morning when you’ve had a particularly late night and Caleb has to drag you out of bed, you being stubborn or pretending to still be asleep so you maybe could convince him to join you for a little more. Not in the way after you got knocked out in a fight, when you sit up and rub your eyes with a grunt like usual. Nothing within his capabilities will wake you up.

So here Caleb sits, begging for it to be a nightmare, some sick and twisted tricks played on his mind but there’s no denying this is real and this is the truth. You’re dead. You’re dead and it’s his fault. You ended up as collateral damage in his reckless attempt to kill the creature. You got stuck in the crossfire of that. He hadn’t realised you were doing so bad already, you even sent him a wink right before when he asked if you were okay. Why did you? Why didn’t you just tell him you weren’t? Why did you lie? Not lie, omitted the truth.

He knew exactly why you did it but that doesn’t make it any easier. You’d known the other’s weren’t doing great and barely holding on already. You were severely outmatched and couldn’t get away from the creature. Not without it chasing after you and running you in an even more perilous situation. Anything Caleb could do would affect anyone close to the creature. With Yasha having dragged Beau out of the fray you were the only one left to hold it at bay while the clerics worked on patching them up, Fjord and Veth offering them cover. You were the final line of defence. At the end of the day you had to keep the clerics alive.

Caleb took a calculated risk. A fireball to send the creature dropping into the ruined depths of Aeor. He had tried to keep you out of the range but wouldn’t have been able to strike the creature without putting you at risk. The spell worked and the creature got hit with full force. It was your attack right before the fireball struck that had send it stumbling, then with the blast, it lost its footing and stumbled off the edge.

But you too, dropped. and when you did, the creature’s tail lashed out, grabbing onto your body, dragging you with it. The creature had hit the platform below in its fall and the impact had made it release you, saving you from the full drop. Caleb had rushed to the edge, fear, pain, anger and guilt riddling his mind thinking he had truly lost you but there you were, bloodied, bruised, broken and burned. Because of him. All because of him. How could he have been so stupid and reckless. When he brought your body back to the others, he wasn’t quick enough. You’d already faded into the cold embrace of the Raven Queen and the clerics had expended their last resources.

So that leaves Caleb here, sitting at your side a day after you died, body preserved by the graces of Caduceus and the Wildmother. The clerics set up their ritual, working around him and you as the others help where they can. Beau and Veth had tried to console him, tell him it wasn’t his fault and if he hadn’t they might all have been dead right now. He appreciates his friends trying but it’s of no use. He already made up his mind and it’s not going to change anything. You died because of him. He murdered you and how is that any different than his actions in the past? How does that make him any different than the lives he’s taken in the clutches of his former mentor? Is there truly no redemption for him? You’d slap him for even thinking that way.

“Mr. Caleb? Why don’t you try talking to them? Persuasion has worked in the past to coax someone back.” Caduceus places a hand on the wizard’s shoulder but it barely registers. Yet the firbolg knows they did not fall upon deaf ears when the whispers stop for just a moment.

“I-. I do not think they’d want to hear from their murderer.” Speaking the words make them so much more painful. By the looks of it, Beau is ready to unleash in a degrading rant about how wrong Caleb is, breaking him apart only build him back up but she’s held at bay by Yasha. This is not the time and place. Caduceus doesn’t claim to know what Caleb’s going through, nor may he be the brightest mind here but he understands and can empathise.

“I know no matter what I say it won’t change your feelings so instead I will offer you this. You owe it to them to try. Not for what happened here but for the countless times they’ve been there for you, have had your back, and for the unconditional love they’ve given you. You owe them to try.” The wizard looks up over his shoulder to the firbolg, pain in his eyes, and the trails of silent tears that have long since run out. Caduceus is right. He owes it to you to save you and right now it is within his power to try. If he doesn’t, if he fails he’ll have condemned you to this fate. If he succeeds with this part, he’ll be able to look into your eyes again. You may never forgive him but he hopes to see you smile, hear your voice even if just once more.

Caleb nods looking back at you, bringing your limp fingers up to his lips and pressing them against your knuckles. He takes in a deep breath and tries to find the right words as Caduceus steps back. What are the right words? He cannot afford to fuck this up. He cannot afford to fail. He must succeed. He must.

“I know I might be the last person you want to hear right now. I want you to know I’m sorry-“ Caleb’s voice cracks as he feels the eyes of the others on him. He brushes some of your hair away from your forehead, running his thumb across your cheek.

“I don’t-uh. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I can do this. You’re always here for me during difficult times. You’d put your hand on my cheek and tell me ‘If anyone can do it it’s you, Caleb Widogast. You could move mountains if you set your will to it. Now stop being stubborn before I slap some sense in you.’ but now you’re not here to tell me that. You’ve shown me there’s a world beyond the walls I put up, that there is a light at the end of that tunnel, but now I cannot help but feel the world has grown dull, the walls are caving in, and that light is fading.”

“I have no right, no right to ask you this, but I need you to save my world one more time. So please, I beg of you. Do not leave me to brave this world without you.” The weight of his heart heavy on his conscious. Caleb feels a pressure causing a ringing in his ears. He’s so focussed on you, he cannot take his eyes off you. Not even when the others do their part in the ritual. He realises this pressure is coming from the effects of the spell to bring you back. He holds his breath, not daring to take in oxygen if only to savour the moment, hoping it will not pass, that for just a little longer he can hold on to the hope you’re coming back instead of having that hope crushed by a potential failure.

The pressure fades but nothing happens. Nothing changes. It’s silent as everyone waits for something, anything to happen. That moment alone feels like an eternity of suspense. Caleb finds himself whispering prayers and pleas in Zemnian again, your hand clasped between his own as he squeezes his eyes shut tightly to live through the memories of you, preserve them for the rest of his life just in case because he refuses to forget even a single one of them. He’s so consumed in his own mind he doesn’t notice warmth returning to your fingers. He doesn’t notice your chest beginning to rise and fall. Caleb’s pleas continue.

“Would you mind translating that? I think my brain got a bit scrambled.” Caleb freezes and his eyes open. Your eyes are closed but your brow is furrowed. Furrowed in discomfort. Not sleeping and not void of your usual expressions. Colour has returned to your limbs and face and no longer dulled. Caleb falls silent in disbelief, frozen in place and mind blank.

“Caleb?” You speak his name, peaking through one eye to see the wizard in his disheveled state. You sit up, grunting in pain. Apparently being brought back from the dead isn’t kind on your physical form, not even mentioning the exhaustion weighing on your mind. You could sleep for a couple of hours… or days… or weeks… You could do with a break really. All of you could. You nudge Caleb’s head up by his chin allowing your fingers to slide onto his cheek.

“Blink twice if you need me to get Beauregard to slap you back into reality.” You muster a smile as you brush your thumb over his cheekbone. Caleb doesn’t understand how you’re not recoiling in disgust or lashing back in anger. He doesn’t understand how you can look at him with love and kindness.

“I’m so sorry. Please-“ Caleb goes off in a spur of apologies, begging for your forgiveness.

“Caleb, I love you but you really need to stop. This is a problem for another day.”

“You died. I killed you. How can you even look at me like you do?”

“So what? I died. I’m here now. I got better. Now preferably I’d like to not die again, some things are beyond our control. And if you need some kind of reassurance; Veth killed Cad that one time and he doesn’t hate her.” Veth yells a ‘hey’ in defence while you earn a chuckle from the firbolg. You know Caleb isn’t just going to take your word for it and you’re also not going to make anyone buy you’re totally okay with just dying and being brought back to life because you’re not but you also know that you can’t blame Caleb for being a factor in what happened when you yourself were aware of the risks of the situation you were in. You made your own bet and it didn’t pay off but all your friends are still alive and well, Caleb’s still alive and well and that alone makes it worth the risk you took.

“You have no idea how much I love you.” Caleb breathes as he pulls you into his arms with a gentleness as if you’re made of porcelain, or will fade out of existence if he holds on too tightly.

“I think I have a pretty good estimate but we can compare notes later if you’d prefer.” You pull back enough to look at Caleb’s face, brush aside some of the red strands and softly place your lips on his. It’s not a heated kiss but one filled with emotion and a desperation no less. Neither of you thought you’d get to be in each other’s arms again but here you are despite everything. Maybe your work here isn’t done yet. You still got some asses to kick.