#The Piper of Hamm fic | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

letsgobarbs · 3 months ago

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Kermit (Pedro Pascal Close Encounter 50th) x AFAB!Reader

A/N: for me and @probablyreadinsmut and all the bitches on here who looked at him and said 'smash'/'still would'. No plot, just porn. Check the warnings for the play-by-play <3

Warnings: sleazy behavior, masturbation, vibrators galore, unprotected p in v, stinky Kermit, male confidence, failed orgasms, foot in mouth, doggy, stinky sock in mouth, oral (f!receiving), face riding, anal vibrator action, pegging, more vibrators, oral (m!receiving)

dividers by @saradika-graphics

You can also read this fic on ao3 ;)

The fucking aliens could arrange a drop-off, but the American government couldn’t. And now you were stuck picking up Kermit and his friends from the Pentagon in your precious Subaru, who honestly just wasn’t feeling up for the ride. All because you were their friend. Funny how they couldn’t remember you when they were pounding some beers behind the dollar tree. You shouldn’t have expected more, after all, best friends came in threes.

Ever since they were abducted by those aliens, they haven’t shut up about it. Have they ever just tried saying no to the aliens like normal people? One of Rafferty’s grey aliens eats out of your trash every night. And you say no to the abduction like a reasonable person. You don’t get time off from work for that shit.

And Kermit. That idiot has started to think he’s too good for you because, allegedly, he got to fuck one of the beautiful angels. As if. If those aliens had to fuck anybody out of those three, it would be Dusty. You should fuck Dusty too, instead of mullet-for-brains. Alas, the pickings were slim around the neighbourhood. Maybe it was time for a move again.

You watched the muppet throw a long, exaggerated wink at the lady from the Pentagon. You mentally apologised to Kermit the Frog for having such a namesake when he started waggling his eyebrows at her. You couldn’t blame her for looking confused and slightly put off by the duck lips. But somebody else looked very interested in your loser.

Oh no, it was Rafferty Sr. You remembered her from the McDermott funeral. Dusty took the passenger seat of your car. Instead of sitting in the middle, that hussy decided to spread herself wide on Kermit’s lap. You shoved your gear into reverse, slamming down on the accelerator so her head cracked against his nose. You turned your gear stick again, flying out of your parking spot before thumping your foot down on the brakes— uncaring of the way Colleen Sr. smacked into the headrest of the front seat while you admired the hottie with the tight ass in uniform.

“Does that guy look a bit like Jon Hamm?” You asked.

“Don’t be mean, he looks right handsome— nothing at all like a pig,” Dusty explained. Whatever.

Kermit was in so much trouble. He hadn’t knocked on your door like he would on the days you let him come fuck you. And seems like he planned to miss tonight. You squint your eyes as you watch him laugh it up in Rafferty’s trailer. So, that’s how it is, huh? If he thinks he gets to just strut back to yours to get his dick wet after Rafferty Sr is done playing with him, then he’s wrong.

You slip back inside the house. You didn’t need that asshat for a nice, relaxing evening with multiple orgasms. But it was Piper you picked from your little magic box. She was old, trusty and used to be quiet as a whisper. Used to be. On the faster settings, she could wake the whole neighbourhood. And on the lowest one, Kermit could hear it across the walls of your trailer and his, just next door. Your beloved Piper— named after Pied Piper.

As you expected, a knock sounded on your door. There was an excess energy in the shuffle of his feet— almost impatient, excited. He was supposed to be in trouble tonight. But you had already climbed through the speeds of your vibrator and orgasmed once to take off the edge. And you were feeling nice and loose enough to let him in.

“Come in.” You sang over the loud humming of the wand. You could hear him shuffling around your living room and past the door of your bathroom to stand at the entrance of your bedroom.

“You started without me?” He said as he came to stand by the foot of your bed. The twang of his accent more pronounced as he stares at the head of the vibrator against the wet, glistening folds of your pussy.

You turn off the vibrator, pulling the delicious pressure from your clit and offer it to him, “Want a taste?”

He moaned as he licked your sticky syrup from the wand. His hand massaged his bulge as he greedily took the whole head of the vibrator into his mouth. You considered turning it on then— break his fucking teeth for daring to flirt with other women. But you wouldn’t like him ugly. You eased it out of his mouth and lovingly placed it by the side table— you would need her again.

“‘yer so sweet,” He slurred as he unzipped his grey shorts, pulling them down along with his boxers to reveal his cock. It was disgusting that cock. Huge and girthy. And a damn shame it was hung on a guy like him. You felt a little ashamed that your mouth watered at the sight despite that smell.

You tugged the hem of your oversized t-shirt so it rested against your rib cage and wantonly spread your legs for him in offer. He didn’t need to be told twice, almost stumbling over his own feet with his dick in hand to press the weeping, bulbous tip of it at your entrance. Sometimes, you wondered how he lugged that thing between his legs without falling all over the place.

He choked out a groan as he slipped inside the hot cavern of your cunt. Yeah… this was why you couldn’t fuck anyone else in the trailer park. The pinch of a burn and then the overwhelming stretch of your pussy, as he bullied his way inside made you keen with pleasure.

“That’s right”—his arms slipped under your knees, adjusting your hips so he was buried to the hilt—“You take me so well, baby.”

You could feel the walls of your pussy tightening around him, contracting to pull him in deeper. It wasn’t because of his compliment, you tell yourself. His dick just felt good. But a smug smirk crept over the side of his face.

“There we go… You’ve had your panties in a twist all day. This was all you needed, wasn’t it? Just some good dickin’ down. Ya need my cock, baby? ” Ugh, no. He seems to have forgotten the time you had tied him to a chair and made him watch as you spent hours coming all over your collection of dildos.

“Pull your t-shirt up. Need to see those gorgeous tits.” He whined. You obliged, pulling it all the way under your chin to expose your swaying boobs. His eyes were hungry as they roved. He abandoned one of your legs, bringing his hand up to slap at a nipple before kneading a palmful of flesh. You couldn’t help but moan as he brutally pinched it, twisting the poor, sensitive peak until you felt the sting of pain you often liked with your pleasure.

He leaned down to kiss you, his features arranged in an almost apologetic expression. And… ew. When was the last time he had changed out of this greige t-shirt? Because you could almost swear you had bitten his nipples through that orange-red sun the last time you had sex. He smelled acrid, like cheap, stale deodorant that’s worn for several days, and the fabric of his top was a bit sour near his underarms and neckline.

You pushed him away after he had barely pressed his lips to yours— putting your foot against his collarbone to ensure he stayed upright. But his confidence never took a hit. The tip of his cock brushed against some spot inside you that freed a gasping sound trapped in your throat that condensed into a moan.

“Does that feel good, angel cake?” He asks after completely missing that spot he had previously found.

“Yeah, that’s it— you’re just a cock-hungry slut. You love my cock, don’t you?” This man was yapping far too much for someone whose pace was stuttering. His thrusts grew shallower in a bid to go faster. His hips were jerking erratically. And that coil of tension and pleasure growing inside you started to loosen— the fizziness in your veins turned flat.

“This pussy was made for my cock. Feels so good— baby— I’m— God— she’s gripping me so tight.” Your pussy was made for his cock. But it was such a shame his equipment was in such wrong hands.

“Slower… go slower.” You gasped. But as any man would, he took your words with smug challenge. He tried to go faster, and you wanted to yell with frustration. The opening of your pussy was starting to feel raw and sore.

“Take it. Take all of it.” Dear God. The aliens had gotten to his brain; there was no other explanation. You took the foot off his chest, raising your limb, and in a mishap of broken thrusts and heavy pants, it landed right against his neck— knocking the wind out of his throat and pushing his chin up. He coughed, but you shoved your toes into his mouth. His frantic movements paused as his mind caught up with the situation.

“Deep breaths through your nose.” You guided him. It was difficult to keep your foot inside his mouth as he nodded. Your muscles ached and burned as you held your leg in the air without support. But then, he licked, hesitantly and experimentally, at the thin skin between your toes. He suckled them with a groan. A dribble of saliva leaked from his mouth and slipped its way down to your ankle.

You wrested your foot out of his mouth when he started to gently nibble, your toes felt tingly while a current coursed up your legs. It was far harder to pull off his cock, but you did it with a light hiss. It felt strangely empty— only because he was so big. You flipped onto your knees and elbows, resting your head on the bed. He groaned when your ass wiggled as you situated yourself comfortably, so you teasingly swayed your hips for him.

This time when he pushed inside your cunt, you both groaned. It was so full you could feel him in your throat. And gravity seemed to be doing the work because the heft of his cock weighed against the walls of your pussy. You pushed your ass back onto him, setting that hard and deep pace you needed for the pleasure to creep up your spine again.

You reached down to touch yourself, caressing the lips of your pussy where he was pistoning into you. You spread your fingers, they could barely frame the girth of his dick and pressed your folds to grip him tighter. He fell over your back with a grunt, his knees joining yours on the bed as he rutted into you.

“Baby— I missed this so much. It’s been so long. Missed this pussy. Missed you.” He was blabbering into your ear. You shivered as his hot breath fanned against your ear, it raised the little hairs on your neck as it spread across your heated skin. You could smell the pungent, slightly sweet scent of booze from his mouth under the sweet mint. It was kind of sweet of him to chew some gum before coming over to yours.

“How’s it been so long? I’m sure the angels on the spaceship had spectacular pussies, Kermit.” You tried not to scoff in the silence that followed. Fucking got him. His grip on your hips faltered before tightening again. He pulled a hand away and you knew it would spank you. But knowing didn’t prepare you for the sharp sting of the blow on your ass. You giggled despite the zing it sent straight to your pussy. You clenched the walls of your cunt around him in appreciation, and he might have stopped breathing for a while, making strange gasping sounds.

“Mmm. Yeah, did fuck them.” Liar, liar, liar. “You can ask Dusty too, and Mrs. Rafferty saw them too.”—You contorted to the side and removed a single, slightly damp sock from his foot—“Real pretty, beings of light. We did it after they bathed me in this—” His words were cut off by the sock being shoved into his mouth. You buried your nose in your sheets to escape that musty smell. His fingers played with your nipples, clamping them between his knuckles and pulling. The pleasure was enough to distract you until his hips stuttered, his cock swelling inside you— no fucking way.

You furiously rubbed your clit, desperate to cum while he was still inside you. Your limbs tightened and tensed, your feet arching in anticipation, you were thwarted by the spurts of hot cum spraying the walls of your pussy as Kermit laboured over you, his chest hair scratching over your back as his body rubbed itself back and forth, pumping his cum deeper into you.

The force of his weight pushed you flat against the bed, he panted over you in a heap of splayed limbs. You gave a soft cry of frustration as his dick slipped out of you, crawling out from under him to reach for Piper. You knew you would need her. You always let him fuck you first and used his cock to take off the edge, it was quicker that way, and you got to come too if you helped yourself— it was always more difficult to work your way up to a second orgasm without some help.

Kermit made urgent protesting sounds as he flipped you over on your back, his words were far too muffled to make out. He stuck his face to your cunt, slobbering from the side of his mouth as his nose nuzzled your clit. You stuck a finger through his lips and pulled out the sock you had lodged there. His mouth was immediately on your pussy, making out with the folds of your lips, the hook of his nose rubbing against your clit and you moaned in encouragement— grinding your hips against his face for more friction. His stubble offered maddening friction against the sensitive skin below.

You jerked at the feeling of his tongue roughly lapping at your swollen and red sex. It was too good to be true. No matter how many times you had trained him, this always happened. Despite his enthusiasm for eating you out, he started meandering, having completely forgotten that right up there, the most obvious little peak that was most definitely protruding out, was the clit. This just won’t do.

You rolled on the bed, taking him with you until his back was on your sheets. You flicked the buttons on the wand again, the machine whirring to life in your hand.

“Baby, let me do this— I’ll get you there. And then we can go for round tw—” You shushed him with a finger pressed to his lips. He did have such nice, kissable lips.

“Of course, you’ll get me off. I’m just going to help you a little, okay?” Your actions were nowhere near graceful as you turned around and straddled his chest, arching your hips so your cunt hovered tantalisingly over his face. He reached out to lick it, only managing to reach it with the tip of his tongue.

“Kerm, you won’t get to cum again until I get to cum, got it?” You could feel him hurriedly nod between your thighs before you lowered your cunt onto his face settling your weight on him before he could form words to agree with your questions— you didn’t need to hear them. And this was much better. You used his face to get yourself off, grinding yourself back and forth so the stubble of his chin scraped against your clit and his nose nudged against the puckered hole of your butt.

You could feel him struggling under you, sticking out his tongue and sucking on your pussy as you humped against his face. But his every grunt and groan travelled right up the fluttering walls of your pussy to the widening pool of pleasure that was building at the base of your spine.

You gently ran the vibrator along the inside of his thigh to get him used to the sensation. His limbs flinched as if you had electrocuted him, but you bent your wrist and pressed the wand right again his asshole— insistently and just short of penetrative with enough pressure to make him keen into your cunt. His dick jumped to life.

You stroked that cock, mostly for your entertainment than his pleasure. It felt so good in your hands, he deserved more love after spending all that time with Kermit and the idiots. But you kept your touch light and lazy even when he was desperately thrusting up into your fist. After all, you had warned him that he wouldn’t get to cum until you did. You turned up the speed of the vibrator anyway, pressing deeper against his hole before pulling it away entirely. His whining complaints were smushed against your slit.

Your clit caught against something sharp, his teeth? He nipped at you again, and you shattered over him— cumming into his mouth for several long moments. It seemed he had unhinged his jaw because you could feel his wet lower lip against the springy curls of your hair. He had suctioned the entire expanse of your opening as he greedily drank and sucked the juice off your pussy.

A squirt of come suddenly landed on your face. Dazed, you look down to find his cock seeping cum. You desperately wanted to lean down to catch the tip in your mouth and lick him clean, but your thighs were trembling and shaking. You had abandoned the vibrator to keep your hands fisted into your sheets to hold you upright.

Your body was still convulsing with the waves of your pleasure as another spray of cum caught your chest and nipples, some of it spilt onto your belly. Kermit was shivering and twitching under you, the vibrator was where you had left it— leaning on his balls.

You stayed on his face long after your orgasm, your legs still feeling boneless and jelly. He made no effort to move you, just taking deep breaths of your cunt and lazily licking your release to clean you up. You turned Piper off before getting off his face and your bed to reach for your magic box.

You looked back to see him still delirious on your bed, wide, empty eyes staring at the ceiling while his face was coated in your slimy liquid and his spit— his mouth was agape, his lips slightly pulled into a smile before he reached out to lick them.

You slipped a little bullet vibrator into the gusset of your strap, a little treat for yourself, before you reached for the pretty, pale yellow vibrator— it was his favourite colour, the same as that sleeveless puffer jacket he wears all the time. You also grabbed a bottle of lube, squirting some of it onto your hand and cock.

He looked up at you with big, watery eyes when you brushed some of his sweaty locks off his forehead. You nudged his legs wider apart with your knee, your fingers smearing the lube over his hole before you circled and massaged it, slipping your finger inside while working the rim of his ass open to take you. You harshly seized the hair of his mullet, it felt rough and oily against your palm. The aliens hadn’t bothered washing his hair for him.

“Did the pretty aliens do this to you after you fucked them, Kermie-poo?” Your voice was sickeningly sweet and teasing. All he could manage was a choked whimper as you began pressing the vibrator inside his hole, a bit of drool gathered at the corner of his mouth. Yeah, this was more like it.

You caught his leg under his knee and spread him apart, opening the sight of his hole greedily eating up the pretty yellow vibrator until you were firmly nestled inside him. He reached for his cock that was pressing into your soft stomach, leaking wet beads of pre-cum into your belly button. But you smacked his hands away from it before he could stroke along his length, placing both of his hands at the base of your waist.

“Watch and learn, baby.” You pulled out so only the bulbous head of the cock was inside him, and he dug his nails into your waist.

“No, please, baby— come back. I’ll do better. I’ll learn— whatever you say, please.” He begged so prettily, the southern roll of his accent was downright endearing as he broke his sentences. You swivelled your hips as you thrust into him; he loudly moaned. You briefly considered stuffing the other sock in his mouth since that offending, smelly thing was within reach. But you wanted the entire neighbourhood to hear him— the Raffertys and the damn aliens too.

You set the pace sufficiently long and deep and hard enough to have his eyes rolling back into his head as the curve of the vibrator pressed up against that spot inside him, robbing him of his breath.

“Nah… you don’t gotta do any better, baby— you’re the talk of town. What with fucking angels and flirting with all those pretty girls. Nobody’s immune to your charms.” Your voice was thick with sarcasm as you chased the vibrations on your clit, greedy for your own release.

“The angels—”

“Hmm, yeah, you fucked them. Dusty watched you do it too. Maybe we should call him over, make him watch me fuck you so I could get some notes? I’m sure those aliens had all sorts of tricks up their sleeves. And then maybe I’ll fuck Dusty too.” You kept your tone entirely conversational as you caught both his legs, bending his knees until they were folded by his shoulders so you could change the angle as you fucked him.

Your knee accidentally pressed the remote of his vibrator, and he screamed as the vibrations travelled through his fuckhole, tapering off into a long, drawn-out wail as you changed the speed to the lowest setting. He was crying now, tears slipping into his mullet. You wiped that wetness from the corner of his eyes, softly shushing and cooing at him.

“You can’t. You can’t fuck Dusty. You’re— we’re— you’re fucking me.” His eyes were wide and beseeching.

“That’s okay, baby. I’m sure Colleen’s momma would love to take you for a ride.” You leaned down on him, pushing your weight onto his body so his chest hair scratched your nipples as you grabbed him by the jaw, forcing him to stare into your eyes, “And she’ll do you real nasty too.”

His cock felt hot and engorged, pitifully leaking between your bodies. The silence of the room was filled with the wet smacking of skin against skin as you rammed into him. You ignored the sting of that silence to turn up the vibrator. Ignoring his whimpers and grinding against his hole so the vibrations of your little bullet could push you towards the rising edge of your orgasm. Fuck you too, Kermit.

“Didn’t fuck aliens. ‘m just a loser—” He wailed. “Only want— fuck you.” You softened at the vulnerability in his words. Turning the vibrations down again so he could focus on your next words.

You tugged at the mullet, fingers pinching into his coarse scalp, “You’re my pretty loser. Say it. Tell me—”

“I’m— I’m your pretty loser.” You moaned as he cupped and harshly squeezed your ass.

“Yeah. That’s right. All mine. Mine to fuck.”—You bit his trembling chin, not thinking too deeply about why it tugged at your heart—“Mine to love. Mine to share.”

“Yeah, you like that. Don’t you? Maybe, if you’re a really good boy, I’ll invite Mrs. Rafferty. I think she’ll get off on having her strap in your mouth while I fuck you.” You pinched his waist, twisting his flesh until it was a lovely shade of red. He shivered as broken moans left his throat.

“You’ll do it like I taught you, right?” You turned the vibrator to the lowest setting when he didn’t respond— only the gentle buzzing permeated the air.

“Yeah, Yeah. Won’t let you down. Promise. Please, Please—” You rewarded him with a kiss on his cheek before grabbing him by the throat.

“It’s a good thing I like you like this. Nothing more than a mindless, cock-hungry slut.” You murmured.

“Mmm— your cock-hungry slut.” He was jerking his hips into your pelvis to chase the vibrator with each thrust.

“That’s right. Do you wanna see it?” Your voice sounded eager and excited to your own ears. And you were lost to your pleasure, mindless of the words leaving your mouth until you heard them. “Do you wanna see my slut take a cock. He looks pretty as a picture being my obedient little fuckhole.”

You slipped out of him, and he looked so aggrieved you almost felt bad. But you pulled him to stand in front of the vintage vanity you’d bought from the thrift store. He was a pretty sight; his doe eyes were at half mast and hazy with pleasure, and the colour was rising up his chest and neck onto his face, which was framed by dishevelled hair that gave him a rooster head. His chest and abdomen were stained with his cum, and your cum was slightly drying on the apple of his cheek. His lips were puffy— regrettably, not because you had kissed him, but because he had bitten it to silence his own sounds.

His large, intimidating cock was angrily pointed at the mirror, curving downwards under its own weight and glistening with your combined juices. You raised his feet so he was balanced on the table of your vanity before you pushed into his puckered, winking hole again. You shoved the remote of his vibrator into his slightly parted mouth. And he obediently bit down on it like you had offered him a biscuit— it buzzed louder than ever before, and his knees buckled in front of you.

Your hands wrapped around him to reach for his cock, lifting it to press against the small muffin-top of his belly. But his balls still obscured your view through the mirror, so you cupped them into your hand and raised them to show him the sight of that pale yellow vibrator gently thrusting up into him.

“My pretty little cocksleeve. I’m gonna buy you one of those ejaculating dildos, baby. Fuck you so full of cum, and then watch it dribble out of your gaping hole. I want to know it’s clinging onto your ass and thighs when you go hang out with your friends.”

It was just perfect. His thighs were quivering, and his cock jolted under your hand every now and then as you massaged his balls. The bullet vibrator over your opening and the buzzing from the one over your mound had encased your core in this tinging pool of fury pleasure.

And before you could register what was happening, you bit into the meat of his bicep, pushing impossibly deeper into him as you convulsed and shook against his back, riding the waves of your orgasm. You raked your nails against the skin of his side and chest, leaving angry, red scratch marks against his tan skin. You twisted the little peak of his nipple. He followed soon after with a hoarse shout— painting your mirror with his cum. You gently caressed his limbs as he shuddered and spasmed through his orgasm.

You’d have to clean your make-up kit and vanity table later.

He was kissing you in the shower, smelling of your shampoo, conditioner and body wash. He wasn’t half bad at it, a bit eager and enthusiastic in a telling way that he hadn’t kissed someone in a long time. And you felt his cock persistently press against your side. You lowered yourself to your knees before taking the tip of it in your mouth without any preamble.

“Oh, um, you don’t need to do this.”

“I want to.” You whispered, swirling your tongue around his head.

“You didn’t want to before…” He trailed off nervously.

“Well, you weren’t my boyfriend before.” You said with a roll of your eyes. Your lips kissed the protruding vein that curved under his cock to its side— adding a little suction as you licked at its path.

“I’m your boyfriend?” His hand flew to his forehead in surprise before he slicked his hair back, gazing down at you with a boyishly sweet smile that showed his dimples and straight teeth.

Yeah, guess he’s kinda cute… you thought as you took his cock deeper into your mouth until his tip hit the soft palate at the very back of your throat.

A/N: Need another monsterfucker girlie to write about him fucking those aliens on the ship. But not beautiful beings of light type of angels but more biblically accurate and maybe several tentacles with a side of mpreg type of angels. Need to knock him up. Maybe the pool they dunked him in to take away the pain also made biological changes ya know?

UPDATE: WE HAVE IT!!! THE ALIEN X KERMIT FIC WITH THE TENTACLE ACTION @romanarose doing the god's good work.

#pedro pascal #Kermit x you #Kermit x reader #snl 50 #close encounter 50th

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