#The Man Upstairs Blessed Me In That Way {Memes}

[enduringdevotion]

Tags

[syrma-sensei]

→ Hush Hush Behind The Shield.

gif credit.

pairing: soldier boy/ben x wife!reader.

rating: explicit.

warnings: vought's ungodly shenanigans, mentions of cheating, couple fighting, angst, misogyny, antiquated mentality, dub-con, power imbalance, fingering, forced orgasms, angry sex, cock riding...

word count: 3.4k

summary: being america's greatest hero's wife has its perks, but they don't come for free...

taglist: @zepskies, @deansbbyx, @kaleldobrev, @k-slla, @deanbrainrotwritings, @deans-spinster-witch, @venus-haze, @thebiggerbear...

A/N: I'd like to thank my two pretty moots, @kaleldobrev who's been always there for me, listening to mental blurbs and chaotic spews of unhinged ideas and continuous mind dump ❤️ and @zepskies who bares my energy, which can be a bit much, each time I spam her dms with life cringing memes and awaful reacts ❤️

Kneeling down on one knee, your mitted hands hoisted the oven door close as you hummed a melody to yourself. Turning on your heels, you stood up and gave the dining table a once-over before allowing a proud grin slip on your lips.

“Perfect.”

Then your eyes glanced at your watch. It was half an hour past seven in the evening. Perfect. There'd be enough time to pamper yourself in a relaxing shower and spruce up with no rush before your husband was home.

You gave the dining room another glimpse to make sure everything was in place before you headed to the bathroom upstairs, walking through the living room where the T.V. displayed a Soldier Boy anti-drugs commercial.

A snore escaped your nose upon hearing the phrase: “Just say no.” Remembering how your husband threw a fit behind the scenes at how stupid it was, to the point of getting Stan Edgar himself on the line for him to find an alternative to it. Because no way he was saying that shit.

“God, I sounded like a fucking douchebag,” He'd told you in his dressing room, a smouldering reefer hanging between his lips — the irony, after they wrapped filming up.

You'd giggled, playfully plucking it from his lips to take a drag of your own, “No, baby, you did just fine.” You purred, and his mouth curled up into a small grin, “The public needs that y'know…” You tipped his chin up, your polished, long nails grazed lightly to his skin, “You're America's golden son, right? You're the man everyone should look up to.”

“Damn sure they should.” He'd chuckled, leaning down for a kiss which you gladly welcomed.

Being Soldier Boy's wife came with many many perks, but it also had its downsides, one of which was to have to deal with his short temper. But what could you say? You loved the man. Ardently so; you literally fought the world to have him all for yourself despite Vought's disapproval of your nuptial.

You savoured the victory when you married Ben in a small ceremony without Vought's blessing. It was like a slap to them when Ben imparted upon them the happy news, he delivered them a severe black eye, especially the vainglorious bastard Edgar. Who had once told you that you and Ben wouldn't work out, for it was simply "inconvenient" for a superhero like Soldier Boy to be involved in a serious relationship with a mere… human; it'd be a "disappointment" in the public eye, as he put it. Like he had a say in the matter.

But here you were, with a ring on your left hand to swagger about, and happily married to America's first hero, Edgar and Vought could say hello to your middle finger.

To nobody's surprise, you resented Vought, and held such abhorrence against them for not letting you and your husband live the life you wanted for yourselves. Despite your personal efforts, your proclaimed triumph was soon cut short because Vought declined to go public and endorse your marriage. Not that you and your husband gave two shits about their approval, but the rules were rules. And their lawyers affirmed that a public exposure of your marriage might damage Soldier Boy's rep, therefore, Vought's; given the fact that you were more than thirty years younger than him. They couldn't have it said that the hero of heroes was a creep even though they'd tried to conceal his age when he and Phoebe Cates starred in Love And War because it started to seem fishy. It was expected, though. But what you didn't see coming was Ben's response, or lack of response as to put it.

Despite being even more obdurate about this marriage than yourself. You felt terribly abjured by your husband. You'd thought he'd fight for you, for what you both had, and he'd want to let the world know about you. It'd broken your heart when it dawned upon you that Ben wouldn't risk his fame and glory for anyone, for you. Reluctantly, you bit the bullet, you had to, for him, because you loved him, and would do anything to keep this marriage intact. If you had to compromise for it, then so be it. You didn't care.

To your solace, Ben never changed after the frustrating incident; he was still the man you fell in love with. He might be smug, crass, and insufferable to everyone but you could still perceive the tender side he had though he'd never actually admit it, and you never pushed him too much. You were subtle enough to know when to stroke his ego and when to tease it. He was a man, after all. But it was obvious; he was a doting husband who cherished you in his own way. He showered you with gifts, and pampered you when he could. And he was eager to have babies with you. He never ceased to express how rapturous he would be if he were to have a son. A child with you.

Sure, you had your own qualms about that particular day, and there was more than a time you wanted to have a conversation with him about it. But you couldn't bring yourself to screw it up with stupid doubts. If Ben hadn't truly loved you, he wouldn't have treated you the way he did, he wouldn't have brought you to his workplace to have you at his side — and to poke Vought's eye every single time. He wouldn't have let you in and told you about his family and his dad, about his fucked-up childhood and how he became a hero.

No, your bond was bigger than any fleeting thoughts of incredulity.

You crooned softly as you wrapped a towel around your body after you finished your shower. Stepping out, you rubbed your hair with another towel and made your way down towards the kitchen to check on the pie.

Oh, Ben liked pies. You found it amusing how he'd swallow a whole pie alone and wouldn't affect him one bit; a supe sure required a lot of calories. Sometimes, you wished you had his great metabolism.

The moreish scent of baked dough and chocolate told you it was ready. You opened the oven door with a protected hand and placed the delicious pie by the window to let it cool down while you dressed up.

On your way back to your bedroom, you padded through the living room again. Your eyes glanced fleetingly at the screen only to stop abruptly in your tracks. A slight frown made it to your face as you saw a picture of Ben and Crimson Countess together. You never liked Countess. Something about her always disturbed you, and your guts were right.

Your eyes roamed the headline over and over, dilating in stupor.

Breaking News: Soldier Boy and Crimson Countess are officially together, Vought announced.

You shook your head in disbelief, hand grasping the remote control from the couch, shivering fingers shuffling through the channels.

Soldier Boy finally found the one!

Your heart paced up with each press.

A long awaited power couple is now here!

Vought just shocked the world by—

And here's Soldier Boy and Countess's statement…

It was hard to quell your simmering anger when you saw your husband smiling face with that bitch between his arms. Camera flashes and clicks swarmed around them with an entourage of reporters and interviewers.

“Hey, Soldier Boy, now you're together, what can you tell us about the first time you saw Countess? Was it love at first?” A reporter asked.

Ben scratched his beard with his gloved hand, drawling “First time I met Tess was when Vought concocted a hero collab years ago, remember that honey?”

You did remember that event very clearly. You were still Ben's secret girlfriend at the time, and it was exclusive to superheroes, yet Ben brought you there as his date.

Ben grinned as if dreamily reminiscing about the memory as he continued, “And lemme tell ya one thing, this one is a firecracker.”

Countess giggled playfully, gazing up at your husband in the most flirtatious way, it made you gag with disgust.

You scoffed bitterly at the blatant lies spurting right in your face. That specific night, Ben had childishly grumbled and complained about how much he wanted to be out of there. And to spice things up, he playfully dragged you from the pristine hall the event took place in, and fucked you raw against one of the wall of some other hall, keeping your panties as a souvenir for the rest of the soirée. He kept teasing you through the entire night, riling and messing you up. At the time, it was thrilling and venturous. Now, however, it knotted at the tip of your stomach. His focus that day was solely on you. He wasn't even aware of the bitch's presence for all you care.

“And when I first saw her… knew she was the one….”

You couldn't comprehend what Ben said after that point as a deafening buzz bolted through your ears. Tears rolled down your cheeks, and soon they were streaming from your eyes as you stood numb on your spot. Your tears splattered on the ground along with your heart.

“Honey, I'm home.” Ben announced once he stepped in the house. He sighed, putting his shield down and making his way to the kitchen where you usually would be, making his dinner. He didn't take his boots off though he knew you'd throw a fit about it, but let's just say that teasing and screwing with you was his favourite hobby. His anticipating grin soon dropped and a small scowl knitted his brows when an odd mixture of scents wafted into his nose. His eyes dilated at the unusual messy scene in the kitchen; the table was flipped over, glass splints scattered all over the floor, freshly-cooked food covering the carpet beneath the dining table, and a chocolate pie was squashed into the wall.

With a pacing heart, Ben cried your name, and hurriedly climbed up the stairs. His feet darted to the bedroom when he heard you sniffling and weeping.

An audible sigh of relief flouted out of chest when he saw you. Your hair was wet and a damp towel wrapped around your body, but his eyebrow quirked up when he noticed you packing a bag on the bed. The fuck?

“(Y/N), the fuck is going here?” You scared the shit outta me. He wanted to say, after the shitty day he had, he just wanted to have you in his arms and play with your hair.

You startled for a moment when you heard his southern accent. You used to be fond of it, but today you were certainly not.

“I'm leaving.” Your answer came out curt, your hands tugging your bag zippers close.

You heard his footsteps getting closer until you felt his hand on your bare shoulder, “What happened to you, sweetheart?”

You pulled yourself away from his hold, hissing, “Don't you fucking touch me!”

He didn't seem to heed your warning as he reached a hand to your face. Gritting your teeth, you spun around with your hand ready to deliver a slap to his cheek. However, and no matter how fast and pissed you were, he was always quicker and alerter. Fucking supe.

“You don't get to touch me ever again you asshole!” You shrieked, yanking your wrist from his grasp, your wet hair stuck to your face, chest heaving with each breath. 

“The fuck is wrong with you, woman?!” He growled with a deep scowl, “Just left you all happy and giggling in the morning, is it here? Your time of the month again?”

“Fuck you!” You spat, clenched hands rising up to his chest, “You're my fucking problem,” You jabbed a fist to chest, though he didn't move an inch, but damn didn't it feel good! You blew another punch to his stupidly firm chest again and again.

“Fucking Christ!” He grumbled, and with one strong arm, Ben wrangled your back against his chest and caged you in his steel hold, one hand securing both of your wrists above your head, “Calm the fuck down!”

Legs kicking and hands tugging, you tried to wriggle out of his arms but to no avail, you felt so helpless against his raw strength. Your anger and frustration poured out of your mouth in a wailing, broken voice, “Leave. Me. Alone!” You bellowed, “Go to your fucking Crimson Bitch!” Two rivulets of tears drizzled from your eyes again, “Go to your fucking Tess and let her fire-crack your nuts, you fucking pussy!”

“Christ on a cross, do you hear yourself talk, woman?!”

His eyes widened before his eyebrows scrunched deeply. He took you off guard when he brought you down to the floor as he crouched on one knee. Your towel unwrapped at the sudden movement and you were naked beneath his eyes. His hands were still holding you in place.

Two green eyes regarded you softly, “You really took that marketing shit for real?” He thumbed your lower lip, and his free hand trailed down your naked form. “Fucking hell, thought you were way smarter than that, sweetheart.” You shivered from both the cold and his touch, his sinful reaching your mound, “You really think I'd fucking leave you for her?”

You couldn't suppress the moan when he stroked your throbbing clit. A shot of arousal seeped out of your opening much to Ben's satisfaction. Anger made the colour of your face rise, “Fuck you! Fuck your bitch! Fuck Vought!” You spat, your eyes burning holes into his as he proceeded toying with your flesh until your voice broke, “Y-You want me to buy your shit — Ah!” Two of his thick and expert digits entered your slit, massaging your love spots thoroughly. “After you didn't stand up for our marriage?!” You groaned, hips rolling to the rhythm of his fingers.

“Is that so?” His brow quirked up amusedly. Was this funny to this bastard? Was your marriage some kind of a joke to him?

You gasped as he deliberately hit your weak spot; sweet, delightful coils fluttered at the tip of your stomach, “I was under the fucking impression that you had your pretty, little head wrapped around how this fucking business worked!” He snarled.

“Fuck you! I hate you!” Your body snapped as you came abundantly on his fingers which made him grin slyly down at you.

You felt his grip on your wrists loosen, so you took your window and jerked yourself free. He was shocked when you pushed him down on the floor and straddled his hips, your dripping cunt was drenching his pants with your cum. He raised a playful brow at you but soon was replaced by a shocked frown when you slapped his irritatingly handsome face.

“Fucking hell, you fucking little ballbuster—”

You shushed him with a finger on his lips, “You're fucking mine, Benjamin, you hear me! You're fucking mine!” You hissed, having no idea where your vigour came from as you tore his shirt off of his chest. His length poked you when you gazed with searing fire in your eyes at his, “You. Belong. To. Me.” You furiously tucked his pants and boxers down, his cock springing out with life.

A wanton moan came off your lips as you sunk yourself down his cock, whereas he grumbled in pleasure as you hugged him tightly with your wet and warm insides.

You snapped your hips harshly and he growled, “Fuck, doll—!”

Another snap, your voice was laboured, “I own you. You're married not to that whore, not to Vought, but to me!”

Your skin slammed against his meat vehemently as you gritted your teeth when another orgasm was spiralling in your body. You paced up your movement, a hand banging demandingly on his chest, “Say it! You're fucking mine!”

“Holy shit!” You watched his eyes roll backwards as he rasped, “Yours, babe,”

“Holy fuck, Ben! Ben, I'm coming again!”

That was his cue to take control again. He sat up, cradling you in his warm hold, “Cum to me, babe, fucking soak my cock.” You wabled his name, clinging to his shoulders as your climax stormed out of your body like a mad hurricane. You whimpered pathetically when his two large hands on your hips kept making you ride him through your high.

“Fucking stupid girl,” He growled, shooting his seed up your insides.

With laboured breaths, you glared at each other. You felt his cock softening inside of you, “Fucking idiot man.” You scoffed.

He chuckled with a boyish grin on his sweaty face, “That was fucking hot, think I like this wild side of you, darlin'”

You snickered, “You bet, wait until you see what I'm gonna do with that little fuck, Edgar.”

Ben rumbled a deep chortle, much to your annoyance, would this man ever take you seriously? “I swear to fucking Christ, Ben, if they—you don't break off that stupid shit with Countess and go public about us, I'll fucking burn that fucking tower to the fucking ground, because I'm fucking done with this—mhmmm!”

He cut you off with a scorching kiss and its heat made you thaw against his lips. His cock twitched inside of you.

“Jealousy looks pretty on you though, sweetheart” He teased, his lips brushing to yours.

God, damn this man and his endless ego! “Ben!” You nudged him playfully.

“Can't wait to see you wanting to snatch some ladies' heads off when we go to balls together.”

You smiled at him, biting on your bottom lip. The idea of finally being acknowledged as Ben's wife warmed your heart, and his willingness to do so made your heart race. However, disturbing thoughts loomed in your head again, “Think Vought will let us be?” You asked with hesitation. Fuck, that shit really got too deep into you.

He rolled his eyes, “Try not to work your pretty head hard 'bout this, doll,” He tucked a tress of your hair behind your ear, “The man who fucking beat the Nazis can handle some sweaty fucknuts at Vought.” There was something warmly reassuring about his smugness.

“See? All that shit wouldn't happen if you didn't stay silent while they fucking tried to play their fucking game!”

Ben chuckled, “Well, the fucking was totally worth it.”

You groaned in frustration, “Ben… I thought you abandoned me.”

Your husband furrowed his brows at you, “You women hardly think sometimes, don't you?” You scowled at his remark but he sighed, cradling your cheeks in his warm hands, “I fucking fought to make you my wife. I fucking put my whole career and name at risk for you.” You blinked at him, “The day before we tied our knot, I fucking told the boardroom that I was marrying you, that I'd fucking walk off if they tried anything funny… they didn't, till fucking today.” He sighed, “They fucking announced that bullshit before I was even told.”

“Assholes,” You whispered.

“After that pathetic act, I fucking stormed to Edgar like I stormed Normandy. Let's say that he and I did a little bit of chatting,” He gave you a conceited smirk, giving you no detail of how he got scared shitless when he saw the mess in the kitchen. He thought Vought dared to fucking do something to you. And when he heard you cry he feared the worst. But of course, he wouldn't tell you anything about that. Because he was the fucking man of this house; if his feelings of fear appeared, the sense of security he provided to this house, to you, would crumble. And he wouldn't have that. Ever.

You, on the other hand, had a weird combination of pride and happiness sprouted within your chest.

“I'm so sorry, Ben…” You said, cupping his face in your hands, “I-I don't know what came over me when I saw you with her,” You couldn't even say her name.

“Couldn't have your man stolen away, could you?” He teased you.

“Never.” You answered, “And I'm sorry for what happened, husband.”

“I mean you did make it up for me, wife,” He flashed you a cheeky grin, “Though, I don't feel particularly in a forgiving mood… yet.”

Head tilting to the side, your raised an eyebrow, rolling your hips teasingly on his cock, “Don't push your luck…”

“Try me.”

[ronmanmob]

[ establish ] Beth knows that Ron isn't one for certain public displays, and for the most part, she's been extremely amenable to keeping up public appearances. But there's something about being in Esmeralda's that she can't quite put her finger on; maybe it's how much of the place seems more Panini than it does her publican. The lads gathered around aren't as familiar to her, except Pat, though there are one or two others she'd put money on would have Ron's back. She doesn't hate the fact that he turns heads ~men and women alike~ because he certainly has that effect on her, too. No, she isn't sure what it is. But unlike some people she knows, she isn't going to raise voice and make a fuss, which will in turn provoke a scene. She has far more respect for Ron than that. So instead, she lets them speak for one another. Broad back and shoulders to a part of the bar where he can survey the domain and not have anyone come up behind him he makes the perfect bulwark against the other patrons. Beth leans into him then, tucking her head under his chin, and pressing every slight curve into his equally broad chest.

Lean Into Me Meme

The automatic six foot berth Esmerelda's High Top clientele gave him almost his comical at this point. Propped up by the bar, quite at ease in the world, Ron watched London's high and mighty breeze by him like he had the plague; their courses bowing out to keep that distance constant every time he so much as shifted position. The impassivity of his mien...well, that heightened the effect he had, but it was serving double duty now. Both deflection and mask, it hid his amusement; derisory and edged with self-deprecation as it was. His condition--

..'Ee's a fuckin' monstah..

Ah yes.......There it was.

His condition made true enjoyment of the moment impossible, but what jollity those fuckers upstairs didn't douse in ice water remained despite the look of a scowl on Ron's face. If you didn't laugh you'd cry as the saying wisely went, much as weeping bought him no relief these days. So it was that he watched with a dispassionate gaze as a thousand elegant chiffons meandered by on the arms of a thousand more tailored hats and tails.

It was a Reginald night here, a Proper High Class Affair with all the attendant glitz and glamour that one of those attracted. Ron was sure a celebrity or five was in attendance, much as he couldn't pick them out the crowd. His disconnect from that strata of society was such that he'd given Reggie a heart murmur by treating such people like people instead of the rarefied things his brother seemed to want them treated as. After the last of those debacles Ron had just pulled back from these nights completely, hence his being a guest this evening instead of working staff or security, and hence as well...God bless her...

His lady Beth was in attendance.

As if called by his thoughts of her his angel emerged from the crowd and came right to him, breaching that six foot berth like it was nothing; like it wasn't between her and the most dangerous man in the room. That to her he couldn't be that, wouldn't ever be that didn't matter to all and sundry passing. More than one wanderer cast glances Beth's way as she tucked herself right into the personal business of The Smiling Man's twin brother who looked, to them, like he was waiting only for a pretext before committing some atrocity or other but to her looked like, and was, home.

The moment her slight weight pressed into him Ron shifted, tucking his arm round her body and resting his chin atop her head. His eyes were on the crowd still, mindful of it always, but his bulwark against the room and its denizens protected Beth now, not just himself. Into her hair then dipped his nose, his lips; a kiss landed, then a second and then, a question rumbled through the room's encompassing din:

"--Can y'take much more'a this?"

He'd lost the cog for it a half hour back, but keeping face was keeping face.

[samikozume-todoroki]

Warning: straight crack

Masterlist | Request rules | Gen. Taglist

Wildchild memelord reader meeting the guys for the first time and love at first sight:

Bakugou Katsuki:

You bump into him

“WATCH WHERE YOURE GOING EXTRA!!!!”

Boom boom, fingy explosions, boom boom

Gets in yo face

Not in the sexy way tho😔✊

You back up slightly

“I have a thick skin but dude you are scary scary”

Does that cute confused thing^

Like no one has said that straight to his face, and not with such nonchalance either

He respects it

But he’s still confused

“W-what??”

“Also sir please get outta my bubble, I mean I don’t mind a hot guy getting all up in my space but like consent is sexc ya feel?”

You’re an idiot.

Katsuki likes idiots (bakusqaud cough)

“And that’s how your father met me kids😌💅✨”

“Y/n I’m older than you”

“Kiri shut up, don’t ruin the story of mom and dad meeting🥺”

Todoroki Shouto:

You come up to him after the sports festival

“Ay yo! That’s the ice zuko!”

Ice zuko??? What’s a zuko???

You grab his hands in that whole “I’m praying with/for you” position

“I believe in your redemption arc!! You got this Ice zuko!!”

“My name is shouto todoroki??? What’s a zuko???”

He ends up in some random strangers, yours, house binging Avatar the next few days.

and that’s the story of how you met your future hubby

and how y’all went to comic-con in Zuko and Mai cosplay

and how your three kids were named

“Alright Zuko, Aang, and Iroh let’s go to bed”

“I can’t believe you named your kids that”

“Shut up Midoriya, when you meet the love of your life through a show then you can talk”

Kirishima Eijirou:

You bumped into him at the mall

And fell into the fountain

He helped you out apologizing

“Ya know, I don’t think this is how you get a girl wet sir”

“Agsjsghsjs w-w-whAt”

*voice crack bAybEE*

“Ya I mean usually you take her out to dinner or y’all watch a movie then you lure her to the bed-“

“mAAAM PLEA-“

“I mean that’s how it goes in all the wattpad lemons hm. Not gonna lie tho, the view of you-“

Licks lips

“Is all I need”

Kirishima_Eijirou.exe stopped working

Wait or Restart?

“Yes he will gladly take your number”

Bless Kaminari, after hyena cackling his ass off, he stepped in

A true bro😔✊

“And that is how I seduced your future son-in-law!”

“Y/n we talked about this- get better pickup lines cmon your game is weak”

“And Kirishima honey, I’m disappointed in your pick up line tolerance”

Midoriya Izuku:

You fell from the sky

Well not really you just crashed through the ceiling

Landing on top of deku your dazed face looks into his eyes

“Damn I must’ve crashed into hell because you’re fucking hot”

Izuku is blushing yes but he’s also out of it cause he knocked his head

“Then baby there’s no way you’re an angel cause you’re dripping sin”

I made that up on the spot and I am proud, wow my own talent astonishes me🤩

“I may be an angel, but I will gladly sin for you”

You both are two inches away from a heated makeout session but-

Cough cough

“Dudes the whole class is still here”

Izuku finally snaps out of it and promptly faints in shock

Meanwhile you’re mad cause

NO HEAD?! *throws phone, jumps and snaps a skateboard*

Doodling you number on Izukus forehead you skip out of the classroom and back upstairs

“And that’s how we met Miss Midoriya!”

“Izuku you’re all grown up”😭

“Mom whAT-“

Kaminari Denki:

This motherfucker also has wild child memelord energy

And wild children meme lords attract

Like put some meme lords in a mile radius of the other and they will sniff each other out eventually

So your first day of UA you run into the class in the middle of English

Point straight at Denki, him out of his seat pointing straight at you

“BRO!””PIKABRO!”

“Shawty let me suckle on them toes”😫

“Only if you allow me to break your ankles and put you in a skirt cause you remind me of my mom”😫

“BRO! FEEL free! Please lure me into your basement!!”😫😫

“I ain’t paid enough for this bullshit” present mic leaves the classroom💀

“And that’s how the mafia works”🤩✨

“Dad you literally told us how y’all met where did mafia come from?”

“Denki we raised a wack ass kid wtf”

“Ikr like who put the stick up his ass”

“Parentals I’m literally right here how are you guys adults I cannot-“

Shinsou Hitoshi:

So like everyone knows he loves cats right???

All of UA knows too

“Hola cat boy! Can you do me a favor???”

You walk up to him in a cat costume

Not one of the skimpy ones

Sadly

Like a full on cat in the hat onesie type deal

“I didn’t know cat in the hat went to UA?”

“I heard ya like cats, and I need you, so I am a cat

I am now irresistible you have to do as I say”

“You would have had better luck if you wore a skimpy cat costume but I’ll hear you out. What do ya want?”

“Okay right so this dickwad decided “yo let’s take panty shots of random girls”

and I’m one of them

and like he took the picture with one of my comfty panties

so the picture isn’t even cute

and I want it back but he won’t give it to me

so like can you do your whole Jedi mind trick and get me the photo back???”

“Lmao,,, what???”

“Wat???”

“So you get sexually harassed and you’re more upset by the fact that you weren’t wearing cute panties???”

“When you put it like that it sounds bad”

“That’s because it is bad”

“Oh yeah now that you put it like that it is bad. Can you fuck up his shit too???”

Mans beats the fucker up black and blue, shreds all the photos, destroys the camera, memory stick thingy, deletes all gmail account data then the account, destroys laptop, computer, hard drives, phones, 3DS, etc. etc. thoroughly

“Wow when you smashed his 3DS in his balls that was very hot”

Make out session over a half dead body: check 💯✅

“And that was how I prevented a man from having kids”🥰

“God you’re so hot, I could fu-“

“Y/n. We are literally in public with all of our friends. Stop being horny”

“I can’t help it you’re so hot yummy yummy man🤩”

A/n: LMAO I’m rereading this after waking up. I wrote this ten minutes before I went to sleep and it shows cause my god this is a hot mess💀

Tagged: @mssyprsn

[naturaldisasterfanfiction]

10.

I would say it’s been the first time where I have not walked out onto my balcony and watched the sun rise, I am actually in bed and just woke up. I thought I needed my sleep, today is a big day for me and it’s something different too, I am travelling with Robyn and I am feeling ever so excited, I have my barber coming over today so I better get out of bed. I actually slept in my bed, like the bed I don’t like to sleep in because I prefer to sleep once the drugs hit me to knock me out, I am not sure if I am living off adrenaline but I am excited. I am so excited to see Robyn, I miss her, wait that is bad. I mean I am there for the baby “shit” I said smiling to myself, I really got Rihanna pregnant, nobody would believe me but I wouldn’t tell anyone because it’s boss lady orders but I am so happy, I stayed out of the way, stayed upstairs, smoked my blunts and then guess what, god blessed me with Robyn’ number, she messages me on Instagram and was like my number, it’s been years since I have had her number. I saved it under R with a heart, you never know who is looking at my phone, I am so happy. I feel so emotional about it all, I am so happy. I just can’t wait to see Robyn, the fact she is allowing me in her circle, she is so protective of it all, she is holding her hand out to me, I am taking it and not thinking twice. I have always wanted to be with Robyn, the world never allows it. I fucked up though, when she became busy, I was busy fucking with other women but then when I realised she was leaving me it was too late, I was in a fucked up place and I wish I didn’t make that shit happen, we would be together still, and to this day I am laughing and shy with her. I just want to hold her; I love her so much and it’s crazy. I know she does too, when I think back, we were both crying but she composed herself so well, I hope she doesn’t let me down, her people can be cruel and they was cruel to us back then, it hurt but I am going to be a daddy, I am ever so happy. I mean I am a father of two, but this is special, incredibly special.

Dapping JC “my man, thank you for coming” I feel so refreshed to be honest sleeping in a bed “get rid of that, and any other shit. My daughter is coming” I pointed at the counter, Hoody just stared at me “it’s for you? It just got bought?” shaking my head “nah, don’t want it. Just get rid of it from my home. I am not going to ask twice, just do it” walking off “oh and also Keeis will be housesitting, I will be away too. JC I will be back” Robyn wants me to be better, I will be better and it will start from my home, I can do it, I know what I need to do but I just needed someone to do it for. I feel whole again, I know it’s like doing the most, but I feel so much joy in my heart, I am excited to see Robyn so much. I called Nia, told her to come with Royalty, it’s not my day but I just wanted to tell Royalty that I won’t be here for a few days and I will be back, I rather say it to her then my mom, I can only imagine my mom annoyance and I can’t be bothered to explain anything when Robyn has said tell nobody and I rather not, I feel like people won’t be happy for me like I think. I don’t want the negativity right now when I am feeling like this, in life and in my mental state I always got to have a goal and making Robyn happy is my goal which will make me happy, I just don’t need people talking shit because I will end up knocking someone the fuck out. I think even my family will say Rihanna again, move on because maybe I am crazy for her.

I feel my peers are concerned, they are watching me and don’t understand where I am going without anyone “you only had a cut three days ago, look at you now. Again?” JC said, I chuckled. He is not wrong; I actually did just have a haircut, but I got to be clean “where is my dad? He said I have to come” hearing my daughter say, “he is here trouble” Hoody said, lifting my head up “hi Chris” Nia said “hi, I won’t take up much of your time. I know you busy making deals” Royalty jumped on my lap “hey, watch it. my hair is going everywhere, I mean barely anything” Royalty touching my head “you have no hair left” she is cheeky “thank you but I wanted to see you, tell you in person. Also, I missed you” Royalty pulled a face “I promise I did” Royalty smiled “ok, so what is it. Are we doing something fun?” shaking my head “dad has been not the best dad, and I have heard you complain about it too. I have noted what you have said and I want to be better for you” Royalty frowned at me “but dad I love you but I just want to stay with you now, we can do fun things?” nodding my head “I get it but I need some time to be better, I won’t see you for a few days and I know it’s the normal thing. I don’t see you much anyways, but I am hoping to be the dad you want me to be and that you can be happy with it. That I can be there for you, you would like that wouldn’t you?” Royalty nodded her head “I do, just because you are the best when I am with you dad” I cooed out “that makes me happy, but I want more of that so daddy will be doing a deep think, but I haven’t forgotten about you yeah?” Royalty nodded her head “can you bring something back?” I laughed “uh yes, what is it?��� she always wants something “just you” hearing Nia say awww as Royalty hugged me “I will be back, I won’t leave you” hugging Royalty close.

Watching Royalty chase Zeus around the yard “are you going on a boys time away or something?” Nia asked, I mean of course she would ask “not exactly, I am going alone. I just need time to think, you know. For some change? That is what is needed, I need it” I do need it, I can’t wait to see Robyn, it’s pretty sad but I am excited. This is change, a change I am excited for “Chris Brown on holiday alone? Wow, that is not like you at all, are you sure you’re ok?” she questioned, I chuckled “yeah, yeah I am good. I will be back; I know it seems drastic. I ain’t going to kill myself” Nia’ eyes bulged out “don’t say that” I laughed out because maybe I shouldn’t say that “I promise, I just need some me time, I am good. I will be back a little more positive, but I am happy, you done well with roro anyways” I complimented “thank you, Royalty. Come on now, say bye to your dad and we can go and see Sinatra” Royalty groaned out “what! Ok, bye Zeus” she ran towards us and so did my dog, his big self running along with her “come here” picking her up “you know at some point I won’t be able to hold you, you know that right” Royalty wrapped her arms around my neck “never!” she shouted.

Looking at my watch, the SUV should be here soon to pick me up “are joining the FBI or something? Where are you going that nobody knows? This nigga is being sly, he been going missing for a while now” Sinko asked, they are all sat here just judging and having drugs, but me. I am high on the fact I am seeing Robyn “I just want you all to not be in the house while I am gone, you can’t just be here having parties and stuff, and girls included” pointing at the fact Krista is here “that? Really, just that now” I sighed out “I just need some time alone, that is all. Keeis, strict rules, you can be here and that is until I am back” seeing my phone screen light up with R on the screen, I snatched my phone from the table and answered the call “hello?” I didn’t let it ring twice, turning the volume down “that was quick, come to the house. We need to sort something out first” nodding my head “that is fine, I will see you then” I am like a dog, I mean she is literally running shit so yes “you can hang up now” Robyn said laughing “you also have that option too but I will do it” disconnecting the call, smiling to myself as I did “you got some new woman? This nigga has a new lady friend” I was going to throw my phone at Hood but I didn’t “SUV is here cuz” Keeis said “anyways, get out of the home while I am gone” grabbing my duffle bag “Chris” Krista caught my arm with her hand “when you come back we need to talk” frowning at her “about what? If it is the me and you thing, not happening” she frowned at me “you said you was thinking about it? Come on Chris, you have nothing else going for you, I am the one helping you to sleep” shaking my head “you were, but I need to change that. Like I said, everyone out until I am back” let me just leave, these are just fussing for no reason about me.

You know what bugs me, Rihanna is pregnant but then people joke on me which has put me off with going on Instagram, they dogging me out and making it a joke because she is pregnant, but it doesn’t bother me now I know I am the dad but if I didn’t, then I would be very hurt about it all. If I stay quiet then people will think I am bitter, if I answer then I am bitter and deluded and I need to leave her alone so I can’t win either way, shaking my head seeing the memes about me. I think I will remain quiet, that is the best thing for me. Seeing another post, how am I trash, and Drake isn’t, I don’t get it like what the fuck. I am losing the will to live; I need to relax because clearly I did just say I would be quiet about it all. I am just going to put congratulation under her post, I have too because the blogs are dogging me out about this. Commenting under Robyn’ post ‘Congratulations QUEEN!’ simple, I mean what else can I say but this shit is just fucking bugging me out. How can she have good news and I am being tortured about it. This is why I take fucking drugs and stay the fuck high; this shit is blowing me to bad. The media want me to stay away from her but always make me out to be the loser and drag my name into it, it makes no sense at all. I am just going to cool it with the social media because it stresses me out, I am going to enjoy my time with Robyn, and I know it will be fun with them.

Putting my backpack on before grabbing my duffle back “thank you sir” closing the SUV door, if Robyn wants this to work she really needs to move in silence so I wonder how this will work out between us, she does pretty well anyways so I am sure she will figure something out. Pressing the buzzer on the front door, I feel like I am going on a school trip, I am excited. It’s like the feeling when I moved to Newark with family friends and I was like fourteen, I was so happy to go and do something different, get out of VA anyways. The door opened “hey Chris” it’s Noella “hi” smiling at her “oh wow, it’s Chris Brown” Majesty said, she has grown “you are tall, I remember you was so tiny. Hi” Majesty got shy and ran off “come in, it is hectic here. We have the Barbados nation in this home right now” I laughed getting inside “so how are you? Digested the thought?” Noella closed the door “I have, still nervous about it all. I get judged a lot so yeah” Noella waved me over “well come along, I must warn you, Monica, Ronald and Lionel are here. They stayed over from the Ball. Rajad and Rorrey are not here, they left ahead of us” letting out an oh, I stopped midway “this is a lot” I said, I mean come on this is her parents “don’t feel that way Chris, come on now. No hard feelings” I am nervous “what’s up Chris?” I just melted instantly hearing her voice, I just felt like a child “uh, hey” I smiled wide “big head is feeling all nervous now I said your parents are here” Robyn looks so beautiful, so full of life just smiling and glowing “don’t be, come on. Nobody will harm you, that is when we get to Mexico” I guess I better go in.

Robyn is laughing, not sure at me or just laughing in general “Chris” Ronald shot up “good to see you after all these years” dropping my duffle back to the ground, watching coming over to me “same” shaking his hand “I am glad you stepped up, I would have been hurt if you didn’t because I know you can be a good man, don’t make me hate you” I laughed, Ronald is a good man to me but I know Robyn has been up and down with her father “I wouldn’t miss it for anything, thank you for being welcoming though” looking to the side a little seeing Robyn just smiling “you know Lionel, he’s been waiting for you Chris. They know you are coming Bravo, it’s Chris. You said you wanted to tell him off” Ronald patted my back laughing “is this the boy, you come here young man” Lionel has aged a lot “don’t get up it’s ok” I said but he got up, I don’t think I am ready “you come to me as a good man, yes” he looked at me “I do remember you, yes I do. You’re here and I can be happy with that, we meet again older Brown yes” Lionel got his hand out “you called me young Brown when we first met” I do remember that “and now you old Brown and you back in my baby’ life, Clara would be laughing her little heart out sat here, she knew. Oh, she knew, my baby loves once, only. He’s been checked, he’s a good man” Lionel said as he shuffled to sit back down “he’s a good man? Welcome Chris” Monica said, she got up from the couch “nice seeing you again” I wasn’t sure to hug her or what, but she hugged me “wasn’t bad was it?” Robyn said, she is funny.

I have been sat here with Robyn’ family as they all spoke, I am just sat here not doing anything but listen of course “ok, I am back. Forever peeing now” my eyes lit up seeing Robyn, she looks so good pregnant “you all were supposed to be moving to the door though, what the hell. Well anyways, this is how we are doing this. Ja, Mel, Jen, Bravo and my mom with me in the car. Second one is my dad, Noella and Chris with Tina, she will be in with you. Tina is quiet don’t worry. Split it up, Chris you can go first with them, leave there and we will meet you on the jet. We will leave after just to give that space of arrival; it should be fine hopefully” Robyn has really thought this through “so I need the names mentioned up now, miss mamas you too” Majesty is just laughing at Robyn, getting up from the couch “and please try and not be seen, Chris mostly. Tina it’s on you if he is seen” the little Chinese girl just looked at Robyn in shock “but I can’t predict that!” she spat “I can predict me firing you, get out now. Hurry up” I rather be riding in the car with Robyn, but I guess the boss has spoken, I don’t mind Noella, she is a good woman. Walking behind then ladies and letting then get in the SUV first “after you” I gestured Ronald it sits in first, this is big. I am going to Mexico with Robyn’ people and I have no nobody there for me at all.

I didn’t know where to sit on the jet because it’s going to be a packed jet, so I just sat in the corner, stay out of the way. I am not sure who will sit with me, if only Robyn does but I am not pushing it “auntie taking too long” Majesty complained, I like that because Majesty is me, I think she is also taking too long “sorry for the hold up! We are here!” Jen said as she is the first to get on, then seeing Rich I think, her bodyguard and then another bodyguard. At the end of the day, I am just here to see where the fuck Robyn is but there she is, I smirked a little “I just want to say, I know you bitches like to go on live, you like to post picture but please be wary of backgrounds. You know how crazy people are, do not get Chris in it and me also. Unless I say it is ok, but just be careful. Other then that take your seats so we can go, I need to pee again chile. This is not cute” Robyn smiled at me as she sat at the table “I can fit in this still woo!” Mel also sat with her, along with Ja and Jen “Majesty please sit down, where do you want to sit, every seat is going to be taken?” Majesty is sassy, she is like Royalty “I will sit next to Robyn boyfriend” Majesty pointed at me “hey! Majesty, what we say about” Noella said while laughing “I will sit here” she sat next to me “well, that took turn” she didn’t hold back “that little rascal! Stop saying words!” Robyn shouted “stop it now, sit here and be good. If she does play up, I just there” Noella pointed.

Majesty is not it; she is not the best seat buddy at all. It is like sitting with Royalty, that is never good. This child just continues to speak “auntie has those” Majesty pointed behind my ear, she is climbing the damn seats “that is nice but I got mine first” Majesty pulled a face at me “I know who you are, play no games play no games” she started singing “you sing? You sound better then Rihanna” I complimented “I know, I say it a lot. She doesn’t hear me out” I busted out laughing, oh Robyn got competition with this “can you sing me a song?” if she wasn’t so cute I would say no but she is “choose a song then?” turning in my seat “rude boy!” she spat “oh you need to go and ask your auntie for that” she jumped up and down on the seat “no, I want you to sing you got it girl! Please!” I sighed out, now I got to think of the tune. Bopping “Lil baby in her bag in her Birkin, no nine to five put the work in, Flaws and all I love em all to me you're perfect. Baby girl, you got it, girl, you got it, girl” Majesty clapped screaming and then attacked me with a hug, catching as I hugged her but the whole jet decided to hear “is she annoying you? I can totally take her now” I chuckled at Majesty just being dramatic “we are doing singing lessons, she told me that Rihanna can’t sing like me” I lied of course “I did not!” Majesty yelped out “I am not a performing monkey like you” looking at Robyn “I actually enjoyed it, do it again so I can record you” Mel said, shaking my head laughing.

Arriving at the villa, it is beautiful and so private. There are no neighbours at all, just pretty much in the middle of nowhere and that is amazing for us. Getting out of the car, I have a little buddy with me now “I think Robyn wants you” Tina said at the side of me “she does” looking over at her, she waved me over, oh Robyn does want me “wait for me” hearing a little voice behind me, she held my hand “you taking over my niece now” Robyn’ face in this sun, she is glowing and I love to see it “she likes me” I said laughing “it’s nice to see you are bonding but Majesty please go to mommy, we will be in after” Majesty let my hand go and ran off “what’s up?” I asked, “you not hot in a sweatshirt?” is the first thing she asked “possibly, is everyone going to stay here? Like is there is enough space” I mean there is a lot of people “there is half sleeping elsewhere, staying here for the mornings and stuff” I guess that will be, I just know it “but you will be staying here so it’s fine, I just wanted to see if you’re ok and I wanted to walk with you inside. The main person that will show his dislike is in there” letting out an oh “well I don’t care, I ain’t going to scare away from him” I shrugged “you’re not but I invited you so I want to make sure he doesn’t try it so just do it my way” nodding my head, Robyn walked off and I walked behind, letting her take the lead of course. This place is beautiful “mom said-” Rorrey said but then stopped speaking seeing him “oh wow, really? Is that what we doing, I should have done the party in London then” I would like to punch him “he will be also there, he is here because he is the father of the baby and he has a right to be here” Rorrey hates and I see it ”you just don’t know when to leave or leave my sister alone” I am going to leave this on Robyn “we both had sex, I wanted it too so fuck whatever you are saying. Also, your place in the home has been replaced, you have no bed. So you need to sleep in the next one, and if you cause shit then you know how to get home and you don’t want to upset mom. Come Chris” like I said I am leaving that to Robyn “I will show you the bedroom, I have come here before and it’s so nice they all have a view” maybe I could sneak into her room “I bet yours is better” Robyn instantly giggled, she knows and she isn’t stupid “ be quiet” I hope her room isn’t far.

[itsclydebitches]

Lovely Good Omens fandom! Many of you have asked for/mentioned having a text version of the Yelp reviews, which if I were a better person I would have remembered to include in the first place. Better late than never? So here’s a version below and I also threw this up on AO3 so there are options. For the record, I’m not at all trained in transcribing visual media, so if anyone wants to add to/edit/do whatever to this post, especially to make it more accessible, you have carte blanche to do so 👍

Also I typed this up in a hurry so, as always, apologies for any typos. 

Tagging: @lethargicdolphin, @marithlizard, @pearwaldorf

A.Z. Fell and Co. Antiquarian and Unusual Books 

Recommended Reviews 

Lindsay F. 

London, United Kingdom 

71 friends

3000 reviews

9874 photos

So I slipped into this place because I spotted my ex across the street and would have rather chugged a cocktail of bleach, lighter fluid, and a condensed solution of all my middle school years then talk to that asshole. Owner was on me the second I walked through the door and I thought he was gonna be one of those ‘Either buy something or get out’ types. Nah. I spilled the story, said I really wasn’t looking to purchase anything, and he LIT UP like nobody’s business. He gave me tea and promised I’d never run into my ex again. Which is a super sketchy promise on its own and also should have been hilarious coming from a guy a century behind in style.

...Kinda believed him though. 

Marina G. 

London, United Kingdom 

0 friends

33 reviews

48 photos

Pretty sure this guy wants a library, not a bookshop. I mean, he’s nice and all when you first come in, but trying to actually buy a book? Good fucking luck. He’s too busy to see you right now (for the record he’s super bad at pretending to be busy). Or claims that this book has already been put on reserve (then why wasn’t it in the reserve pile...?). Or the price suddenly jumped an obscene amount. Or he just straight up hems and haws until you get fed up and leave. I watched him pull a novel straight out of a woman’s hands once when she claimed that price was no object and she wouldn’t be leaving the store until she’d purchased it. You’d think she was trying to kidnap one of the guy’s kids!

So yeah. Feel like popping in to browse, maybe take pictures for your research, all while making quiet conversation with someone who quite frankly knows his stuff? This is the place for you. Want to actually buy something? Go elsewhere. Pretty sure Fell doesn’t even own a cash register. At least I’ve never seen one. 

He wants a library and I’d honestly tell him as much if he didn’t scare me just a little bit...

Aaron S. 

New York, NY

68 friends

212 reviews 

337 photos

I stayed here for three days once. Found a bathroom off the romance section and a chair hidden away in the back. Way comfier than my mattress at home. Mostly played iPhone games and kept real quiet at night. Experiment ended when I popped out for breakfast and didn’t make it back before a random 10:00am closing. Don’t think the owner ever realized what was up. 

Hana S. 

London, United Kingdom 

112 friends

115 reviews

208 photos

I really love this place. I’ve been coming here since I moved to London, about twelve years ago, and it’s one of the most soothing bookstores I’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting. Yeah, you hear talk of weird things going on at Fell’s, but really? We could all do with a bit more quirky in our lives. And Fell provides that in spades: Annual plants that never seem to wither, let alone die. The smell of incense mixing with cocoa. Strange books tucked horizontally into the shelves, feeling like they have a touch of magic to them. Nonsensical conversations taking place in dark corners (I’m talking candid chats about the apocalypse and whether angels could actually bless all the rains down in Africa. I swear Fell and his boyfriend are the religion Mythbusters or something.) I’m going to sound like a total nerd here for a moment, but it feels like some sort of liminal space. You know when you were a kid and you were just desperate to receive your Hogwarts letter? Or find your own wardrobe to Narnia? That’s what walking into Fell’s feels like. Like you’ve finally found that portal and can stay as long as you like, provided you don’t try to take anything back with you into the ‘real’ world. Hell, maybe that’s why he won’t let anyone buy his books. 

Robert T. 

Union City, CA

4 friends

26 reviews

3 photos

There’s a snake?? In this shop?? A reALLY MASSIVE SNAKE????? What are y’all doing talkin’ about your meet cutes and shit someone call pest control!

Malini D. 

London, United Kingdom 

0 friends

48 reviews

99 photos

I’m not gonna pretend I have anything to say about whether this is a good bookstore or not, but if you ever want knitting help you should definitely stop by. Mr. Fell knows an absurd amount about crafts for a guy who looks like my grandpa and he’s now replaced Youtube as my go-to for alleviating “Omg please fix this how the hell did I manage to reverse the pattern??” panic. For the record, I didn’t just wander up to a random bookseller one day and demand that he help me salvage the ruins of my first sweater. I’d taken a seat inside to wait out a storm, had my messy sleeve stuffed into my purse, and he’d offered the help. Bit of a bastard about things like gauge and color--not everyone wants to wear tartan, dude--but you get used to that. He means well. Said I should come back to show him the finished piece, which I did. Things just kind of spiraled from there. He’s an absolute treasure trove of knowledge once you get him talking and a muffin to boot. If he were twenty years younger and in any way straight I would have asked him out in a heartbeat. As it is I’m considering setting him up with Grandpa. 

Tiffany L. 

London, United Kingdom 

132 friends

312 reviews

34 photos

I’m not really a book person myself but I followed my wife in with our seventh-month old and was kinda embarrassed when he started making a fuss. Normally I’m full Badass Mom mode while in public--I’ve got a kid to feed, change, sooth, and you all can damn well deal with it--but this place was so quiet Liam seemed extra loud in comparison. I was about to take him back out when a man appeared out of nowhere. The owner I guess, based on how some of these other reviews describe him. Older gentleman with clothes out of some period piece. Anyway, he scoops Liam into his arms like he was born for it and started bouncing. Our fussy, temperamental, drama queen Liam settled in an instant and my wife got to browse to her heart’s content. I don’t know how he did it, but that man is an absolute angel. Full stars for that moment alone. 

Gillian L. 

The Hague, The Netherlands

283 friends

256 reviews

60 photos

Anyone know if the old Bentley parked out front is for sale? 

Update: It’s really, really, really not 

Billy H. 

Austen, TX

40 friends

2073 reviews

774 photos

QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS QUEER BOOKS SO MANY QUEER BOOKS!!!

Gabriela G. 

London, United Kingdom

3 friends

22 reviews

1 photos

Run by this delightfully frumpy guy who sometimes hands out biscuits from a sewing tin like my gran used to. He asked me if I was looking for anything in particular and I told him my name was Jared, I was 19, but sadly I’d never learned how to read. I have NEVER seen a man more confused in my life. 10/10 would meme him again. 

Colie A.

Enola, PA

201 friends

2778 reviews

10382 photos

I’m setting the record straight here since there are a bunch of reviews claiming it’s just London folklore: there is a snake at A.Z. Fell’s. Must be an exotic pet he usually keeps upstairs because I’ve only ever seen it twice. Is it big? Yes. Scary? Fuck yes, but I’ve never seen it do anything more than give a warning hiss at this drunk who wandered in and started yelling. (Are snakes good guard dogs? This one is.) The other time he was just chilling on top of one of the shelves. Snoozing, I guess. I asked Mr. Fell if I could pet him and he said maybe after he woke up, but then I had to get to class and all. 

Afraid of snakes? Steer clear. Otherwise I’d really recommend popping in and seeing if he’s around. Idk, maybe I’m just a snake fan but he looks super sweet and chill. Life is short. Boop the snake snoot. 

Jeremy W. 

London, United Kingdom 

86 friends

409 reviews

12 photos

I live down the street from A.Z. Fell’s and let me tell you, this place is spooky as fuck. All sorts of weird lights and noises coming from it. At all times of the day and night too. Either this bowtie wearing bookworm has one crazy sex life or the place is haunted. Jury’s out on which. 

Heather Ki. 

London, United Kingdom 

0 friends

3852 reviews

1 photos

This shop smells. Not that old book smell either, oh no, but like something is molding. I took my little Johnny in here to try and get him interested in something other than those damned video games and I walk into what smells like a whole cloud of toxic mold! My boy has a weak constitution as it is and if he comes down with anything I will be pressing charges, you mark my words. 

Jo. W. 

London, United Kingdom 

32 friends

410 reviews

61 photos

Hey, does anyone want to talk about the fact that this place burned down last month? As in, completely up in flames, I saw it happen, nothing but a smoking husk afterwards? Does no one else remember this??

Tiggi N. 

London, United Kingdom 

32 friends

33 reviews

24 photos

Has anyone read this guy’s opening hours? I included a photo above: “I open the shop on most days about 9:30AM perhaps 10:AM. While occasionally I have opened the shop as early as 8, I have been known not to open until 1.” Absolutely insane. This guy’s a madman and I love him. If anyone actually manages to get into this place please let me know because I need to shake Fell’s hand. 

Mackenzie J. 

City Centre, Manchester, United Kingdom 

807 friends

2592 reviews

13218 photos

I told my girlfriend this shop’s got a snake named Anthony and she didn’t believe me. Going back for proof next week. 

Update: got the snake selfie!!!!!!!!

Penny O. 

Chicago, IL

87 friends

557 reviews

16 photos

Caught the owner snogging some hot twink behind the cookbooks. Well done, my dude. 

[asherranceoftheheart]

I Trust You - JSE Drabble

Summary: Marvin knew that his little brother had been overdoing it lately again. It didn't help that he was probably having nightmares because of his stress and their unique circumstances. Hopefully, Chase would trust him just enough to let him help him. Warnings: Fluff, Platonic Cuddling, Family Masterpost of my Stories AO3 edition of the Post

Tag List: @the-rampaige​ @iris-the-asparagus​ @sqxxddygremlin​ @awkward-bullshit​ @jaysflight​ @assbutt-of-the-readers  @egopocalypse Author’s Note: U want sum fluff fuckers

His little brother hasn’t been sleeping again.

Marvin, perched on the top of a bookshelf in the living room while in his cat form, watched Chase exit out of the kitchen with a cup of piping hot tea clutched tightly in his hands at three in the morning. He sat down on the couch and did nothing else but stare at the blank wall nearby with an empty gaze.

The cat studied Chase’s aged features, skin pale from the lack of sunlight, eyes red rimmed from crying and accented by the thick black bags underneath them, a seemingly permanent furrow on his forehead, the unkempt beard he had no energy to groom unless he was going to record a video for the channel, the hair that was growing longer with each passing day since he had no energy to go to the nearby barbers for a trim, and most importantly, the lack of light and emotion in his blue eyes making it look empty and dead. It all added up to aging the man decades beyond his true age which further increased the worry of the other egos as they watch Chase become more and more of a shadow of his old self.

When was the last time they had seen Chase smile and laugh so carefreely and sincerely rather than plastering a fake one on his face every day just to avoid worrying them? Marvin searched his mind for that memory and then remembered that the last time he had seen Chase laugh and smile from the bottom of his heart was when Stacy allowed the kids to visit him and she even mustered up enough strength to look him in the eyes for a few seconds without fear and hatred burning in her eyes.

That… had been a month ago?

‘You’re going to burn yourself out again, Chase…’ Marvin thought, his fluffy ears drooping down dejectedly.

He kept his bright blue cat eyes trained on Chase’s back intently. There was a few minutes of tense silence before Chase signed and placed the untouched cooling cup of tea on the table in front of him and twisted his neck just enough so that his eyes would meet Marvin’s unblinking ones.

“I can feel you nagging.” Chase scowled but there was no heat behind it. “Stop it.”

Marvin blinked and tilted his head to the side before murring and jumping down his throne, landing gracefully on the floor with barely a sound. He approached Chase and entwined his feline body around the man’s legs with small mews before jumping up on Chase’s lap and perching his forelegs against the man’s chest. He rubbed the top of his head under the bottom of Chase’s chin, purring up a storm that relaxed some of the tension from Chase’s body.

Chase gave out another sigh but this time it was tinged with fondness. He reached up to scratch the cat behind his ears just like the way he liked it. The man chuckled when Marvin practically turned into goo in his lap.

Marvin gave him a scolding yowl and then bapped his nose, Chase nearly turning cross-eyed as he stared at the paw that was still tapping his nose. The cat gave another attention catching growl and Chase gave him a wry smile.

“I know, I know…” Chase murmured, sliding the paw away from his face before pressing a kiss on the top of the feline’s marked forehead, quirking up the corners of his lips at the tiny mew his action warranted. “But someone has to hold the fort while you guys are trying to find a way to get rid of the glitch bitch and wake Jack up at the same time.”

Marvin gave him a tiny kitty kiss on the bottom of his chin before jumping off his lap and to the empty side of the couch. The cat started glowing so brightly Chase covered his eyes with his arms. When he removed them after a few seconds, he saw Marvin remove his cat mask and place it on the table beside the cup of tea and looked up to reveal his scarred face and his intense sapphire colored eyes.

“You haven’t been sleeping again.” Marvin narrowed his eyes accusingly especially when Chase avoided his gaze. “Has He been plaguing your dreams again?”

The magician clenched his hands which gave off a subtle green glow in response to his protective anger at the prospect that the glitch was tormenting Chase again. While the demon’s practically obsessive attention over Chase was a blessing since it turned his attentions away from them, allowing the other Septics to search for a solution to his existence, it horrified them seeing the results of the demon’s torment on their brother who always seemed to think that just because he didn’t have any notable powers like the others, he would be the perfect irreplaceable bait.

It didn’t help that the demon became increasingly eager in its attempts to capture him as Chase’s influence over the channel and his popularity with the community increased.

“No! No,” Chase grabbed his hands frantically. He didn’t want the magician to go on a hunting spree for Anti tonight or rather today. While Marvin was strong, he and Anti didn’t know the meaning of self-control and often ends up injuring each other gravely. Good riddance to Anti getting hurt but he didn’t like seeing his older brother in pain. “It’s just the regular stress and depression insomnia and nightmares. Sure he might play as a character in some of them but it’s not really Him.”

Nonetheless, the scowl remained in Marvin’s lips. The magician glared over the shoulder of his little brother, eyes giving off an eerie glow due to his anger before he forced himself to calm down since Chase was looking at him with concern and weariness in his face.

He suddenly pulled Chase into a big hug, burying his nose into Chase’s growing hair. He felt the younger ego clutch at him, slightly shaking as he finally allowed himself to break down. Marvin rocked the two of them as he allowed Chase to shatter in his arms.

The magician ran his fingers through Chase��s long hair, rubbing here and there to release some of the tension in the father’s head before dropping it to the back of his neck in a comforting grip. Chase laid his cheek against Marvin’s shoulder and relaxed.

The two of them spent some reasonable time in companionable silence before Marvin broke it with an idea that had been lurking in his mind.

“Chase… You still can’t sleep right?” Marvin whispered, he didn’t want to disturb the peace that they were in. Chase answered in a positive hum but said nothing else. “Would you mind if you let me hypnotize you into sleeping without any bad dreams?”

The question made the form in his arms go rigid. The concept of letting anyone into their heads was a rather sore subject for any of the Septics. It meant giving away control and the possibility of being manipulated. Anti being able to take anybody’s form and even act rather exactly like them did terrible things to their trust issues until the Septics finally had a few interventions to clear the air between them.

Their bonds with each other has grown tighter over the months since their creation especially when they all had to face the concept of Anti once or twice. Recently, the one hit the worst with these issues was Chase with how he was currently maintaining the battlefield with Anti.

That’s why Marvin didn’t push him. It was just a suggestion. In fact, he even doubted that the other would take it—

“I trust you.” Chase quietly murmured before pushing away from the hug and looking him in the eyes. Those earnest baby blues melting away some of the ice in Marvin’s heart. “I know you won’t hurt me so… Go ahead. Maybe I’ll get some nice rest this time, huh?”

Marvin placed both hands on Chase’s shoulders and gazed deep into his eyes, checking if there’s any doubt or reluctance to do this. But all he saw was the desperation to rest, the deep-seated weariness from life, and the absolute trust in him that warmed Marvin’s heart.

He knew that he wasn’t the most positive like Jackie or innocent like Jamie. His morality was a bit dubious and inches more on the gray-side of morality. To see the complete trust his younger brother held in him when even sometimes he could see the doubt in Jackie or Henrik’s eyes…

“Alright… Time to relax,” Marvin whispered, allowing his words to carry itself into Chase’s ears, his influence slithering into his mind and easing away the tension and unease in his heart.

Chase sighed, melting into his arms. His eyes drooped down and they gazed almost emptily into Marvin’s eyes. Marvin brushed Chase’s cheek and wrapped his arms around the younger ego’s waist.

“You’re safe, Chase.” Marvin murmured, allowing his magic to exert more influence over Chase’s trusting mind and untangling the ‘knots’ that was making it hard for the other to sleep. “We’re all safe. You can rest now.”

At the word rest, Chase’s eyes slipped close and he slumped against Marvin, completely dead to the world. Marvin caught his weight and then carefully maneuvered Chase into his arms in a bridal carry. He stood up and then started walking them up over to Chase’s room so that he can tuck the other in.

He walked upstairs and into the room at the end of the second floor. He hip bumped the door open and sighed in fond exasperation at the slightly messy state of his younger brother’s room.

He could see some papers with doodles and notes on possible future video scripts and the some community interaction ideas such as reddit, memes, and even green screen edits. At the desk, he saw their pictures and Chase’s kids’ hand-drawn pictures being proudly displayed on the wall while his laptop remained in sleeping mode. There was also an open can of Coca-cola near the computer which made Marvin’s lips quirk up in amusement as he remembered the constant jokes of Coke sponsoring the channel that Chase kept on beating to the ground.

Marvin carried Chase into the only bed in the room and used his magic to flip the covers back. He carefully placed the sleeping man on top of the bed and was about to straighten up when he realized that Chase’s hands were tightly clutching the front of his shirt. When he attempted to pry it away, his movements stopped when Chase let out a tiny whimper. The magician looked down at the youtuber with a wry smile.

“Well… I guess I’m sleeping in the bed with you.” Marvin sighed, but his heart fluttered at the show of trust.

He slipped into the bed with Chase and pulled up the covers over their bodies. He pressed his forehead on the crown of Chase’s head and then closed his eyes. He allowed the weariness in his body and Chase’s heartbeat to slowly lull him into a dreamless sleep.

[gaymirajane]

distance

Femslash Fairies drabble 15/20

Ship: LuLi

Rating: G

For: @dragonshost

When Lucy’s phone lit up, her heart lit up with it, eyes shining in the artificial light it offered. The name that had popped up was a name that Lucy had become familiar with, that was now synonymous in her mind with happiness and laughter and warmth: Lisanna.

You looked beautiful today… the message read, and Lucy felt her face heat up. They had been messaging like this for a while, toeing the line between friendship and more, and it made Lucy ache, all day, for the other woman. She knew that it was unconventional, but it was real, and that was enough for her.

For now.

You didn’t even see me!

Her reply was quick and lacked the emotion that she felt pooling in her chest. In a few seconds her phone lit up again.

I didn’t need to. You always look beautiful <3

Lucy squealed and rolled onto her side, pressing her face into her pillow and kicking her legs. She had to meet Lisanna - it was as fundamental to her as oxygen at this stage, and they lived in the same country; it couldn't be too difficult. Her thumbs typed out messages and deleted them in rapid succession, not being able decide how she should reply. If she flirted more, it would make her interest obvious, and Lucy definitely did not want to come across as too keen. But if she replied with anything else it could have the opposite effect, and her crush on the other woman might never be realised.

Sighing, Lucy settled on something teasing and casual.

You’re such a loser >.<

She still had the messenger app open when the reply came in, thumbs tapping anxiously at either side of the screen.

But I’m your loser :*

Lucy replied with a heart emoji and threw her phone down with a groan. Her arm flopped over her eyes as she kicked off her blanket.

Life was so unfair.

The woman of her dreams was sending her flirty messages and here she was, lying alone in bed. How could someone feel so close and yet be so far away? It was frustrating, and Lucy knew that it would plague her mind as her body succumbed to sleep. If that were ever to happen.

Instead, her head was filled with soft blue eyes and short platinum blonde hair; she was smitten, she knew that, and every message they exchanged, every phone call they enjoyed, pushed Lucy closer and closer to breaking her rule about long distance relationships. Lisanna would be more and worth that effort, after all.

Just as her thoughts began to clear and blur around the edges, the man upstairs started blasting his music again. Lucy pulled her blanket over her head, cursing to herself about how only she could choose to live under a heavy metal enthusiast. She would have to go and talk to him about this tomorrow morning. Again.

When her phone illuminated the room, it made Lucy jump. She checked the time and frowned; Lisanna was nearly always asleep by one in the morning.

Can’t sleep. Stupid guy playing music too loud below me.

Lucy laughed aloud at that, rolling her eyes at how similar their circumstances were.

Snap. Guess that’s two bodies we have to hide now >:D

It was a small world, it seemed. But not small enough. Lucy craved something physical, something more than just funny snapchats, video calls and memes. It was great, of course, perfect in fact; but it was not enough. She wanted more, she wanted intimacy; slow walks and kisses which linger. It was torment, but Lucy would not trade it. The special thing about this kind of relationship was that she had fallen for Lisanna’s humour and empathy before she had seen the woman. The fact that Lisanna was an angel incarnate was a bonus really, and soon she became all the blonde could think of.

Her writing internship paid very little, but Lucy promised herself then that she would hold Lisanna in her arms before the year ended, and the warmth that held kept the smile on her face until she drifted off to sleep, and even after that.

~’*’~

Waking up, Lucy knew that she was lucky. She yawned, padding barefoot to her window and swinging it open. The beach greeted her, and it was a view that never failed to take her breath away no matter how long she stared at it. Getting a place with such a view for so cheap was a blessing to her, and it made her noisy neighbour almost bearable.

“I think I’ll treat myself to a day on the beach today.” Lucy mused to herself, sliding on her slippers and heading to make herself breakfast.

It was her day off, and although Lucy still intended to spend it writing, she was still excited for the day ahead. It would be a good opportunity to make progress on her novel as opposed to the bland journalism she had been doing for her internship.

She slipped into some loose-fitting clothes which allowed her skin to breathe in the heat, and packed a bag of food and drink, not wanting to come back to her apartment until she was satisfied with the work that she had done.

Stepping outside, it was warm but not overly so, and Lucy was grateful for the blanket she held under her arm.  She stretched herself out, got herself comfortable, and gave herself a moment to bask in the morning light before she pulled her notebook and reference materials from her back. Sipping her tea, Lucy tried to focus on the words, but her mind was filled with Lisanna, with her fluffy white hair and her eyes the colour of the ocean. Trying to focus was useless; she was useless. All she wanted was the other woman by her side, and it was a constant thought in her mind, a whisper from her heart to her soul.

Sighing, Lucy rolled her shoulders, stretching her neck idly as she looked around at the other people on the beach. On the beach there were couples, and students swarmed the coffee stand that had just opened. Lucy smiled dryly at that, remembering her university days with fond nostalgia. A woman had just been served, and Lucy’s eyes transfixed on her, wide and unblinking. Her heart stopped, beat faster, and then stopped again.

She would recognise those short white tufts of hair anywhere.

“Lisanna?” Her voice cracked in confusion, and when the woman turned, eyeing her up uncertainly, Lucy felt too hot, too dazed.

Lisanna took a moment to recognise her, but then she did, and she was sprinting as quick as Lucy is standing. Their arms were around each other in moments, lips pressed against foreheads, as they laughed breathlessly into one another.

It was almost painful, the feeling of bliss that passed over Lucy, and it was countered only by her disbelief.

“What are you doing here?” Lisanna asked, and her voice was deeper in person, slower. Lucy loved it all the same.

“I live in the building over there.” Lucy gestured to the apartment block behind them, and Lisanna’s smile faded, her eyes blinking slowly.

“That’s where I live, too.”

They stared at each other, fingers clasped, and bodies held close, until the laughter was bubbling out of them again.

“I’m on the fourth floor.” Lucy offered, excitement present in the way her eyes squinted, in the way her body leaned in close.

“I’m on six!”

Lucy felt her jaw drop.

All this time, Lisanna had been two floors away, that was all. They had spent hours planning meetings, looking at the same stars, cursing the distance between them, and yet it was nothing, completely insignificant to the turn of the Earth.

Lisanna was taller than Lucy had expected, her eyes more vibrant in colour, and yet she was just as breathtaking. Lucy cupped Lisanna’s cheek, rested their foreheads together, and let the breeze pass over them for a moment.

“Incredible.” Lucy muttered, and she wasn't sure if she meant the situation, or the woman in front of her.

Growing up, Lucy had never believed in fate, or destiny, or any romantic jargon that people used to excuse their actions, but this was as close to that as she would get. This was proof that, if two people were supposed to be together, their hearts would find a way; no matter what, love would always find a way.

[sun-shine-slut]

Your stupid

((Kryozgaming x reader, something simple to start off this account I guess XD this is also on my wattpad so if you see it there now you know why))

I smiled warmly as I walked down the street, It was a nice and calm Friday afternoon, Mini to my left as we walked. I was visiting him and the guys for the week, laughing I smiled as we ate the icecream Craig was generous enough to buy us both icecream. Hearing foot steps behind us I ignored them, hearing their laughter I got curious and started listening to what they said as Craig continued to talk about that happened on his latest meme stream. [that I watched fully bc they are funny as balls] "It's bad enough that he's fat and even eating icecream come on?" I internally froze as I realized that they was shit talking Criag who was next to me.

      "Nah the cow next to him is worse, bet she doesn't even know what diet means." They cackled, stopping Craig I turned to the both of them not caring for the questioning look Craig gave me. "Would you two boys like to repeat that to our faces." I glared hissing out the word boys, the taller one had little to nothing to him, the other one a bit more stalky but nothing I couldn't handle. "Yeah, you two fat cows should learn what a diet is." The taller one sneered at us crossing his arms.

      "Craig, hold my icecream." I hissed watching Craig open his mouth before shutting taking it from me too shocked to really stop whatever I was about to do. "Fat? Oh no dear it's power." (If you get that reference, bless-) I glared as they both laughed at me untill I swung at them, that knocked the smile off there face as they both squared up to me. "Craig, don't get involved." I chuckled as I dodged a punch from the shorter of the two, they both seemed glad for a fight, I can't wait to make them regret who they chose.

       Holding my nose closed I followed Criag as he fastly rushed me to John's house since it was closer than his. I of course won the fight, but man did that smaller boy have a had a hard hit, they both were definitely in worse shape than I was but in the end we both fought the only difference was that I won. "You are so amazingly stupid! God you care too much about what people say, what am I going to do with you? God help me, One of these days your gonna get us in big trouble." Craig ranted like a worried mother hen as he used the spare key for John's house as he ran upstairs to go find John, knowing the other guys where out doing something today, probably vlogging.

       Walking into the kitchen I met eyes with the man in question, John looked at me in disbelief. "In a few seconds Craig is going to come in here and your going to tell him that your going to help me, I do not want to listen to Craig yell at me, or I just might jump off the roof." I hoarsely explained as I started to feel pain slowly seeping into my body, John slowly nodded confused as balls. "CRAIG! John's in the kitchen!" I yelled before holding my jaw in pain, the tall kid looked like a strong breeze could blow him away but man did that first hit from him hurt like fucking balls.

       Listening to Craig and John talk in fast but quiet voices, jumping up ontop of the kitchen's island I pulled out a pack of cigarettes out of my pocket. Sitting one to my lips I light it hearing the voices stop, "I thought you said you stopped." John asked as I took a deep inhale, "for the most part, only when I'm stressed and I did just fight two teenagers." I laughed before groaning in pain feeling my jaw throbbing in pain. "Can someone grab me an ice pack? Or like maybe help me?" I whined as the rush of the fight wore off, now I was in pain and pissy. Moving my hand away from my nose I didn't care if blood got on this shirt I'll just buy and new one.

     John locked eyes with Craig and he sighed ans nodded rubbing his forehead, "fine John, I trust you, (Y/n) I'll be back with a new shirt since that one is clearly ruined." Craig sighed as he walked over to me, "thank you, fucking dumbass." Craig finally broke down and gave me a small smile as he turned to leave with one last strong look to John. I watch John look for a ice pack. Wiping the blood from my nose away (more like smearing it across my check and getting it all over  my hands) I looked at John turn around and chuckle lowly, "it looks like you ate a bitch out and she got too into it and she hit your face." John joked as he gave me the ice pack rapped in a washcloth walking out of the room to probably go grab the first aid kit out of the bathroom.

      Gently resting the covered ice pack against my jaw I finish my cigarette, watching John come back in as he started to set up the first aid. "Your actually pretty calm, I thought this would brake your chill." I joked watching John give me an unamused smile. "No, but seeing your shit recked is not a great sight either." John snarky replied hiding his concern as he walked over to the skin and wetting a washcloth. "They were shit talking me and Craig's weight, you know how hard he's been working out, and staying on track! And I've even started working out at least twice a week, I've been trying, you gotta give me some kind of credit." I explained defining myself the best I could with out hurting my already bruising face.

     John, sighed knowing how much my friends ment to me, "Fine, now this is gonna hurt, so relax and trust me." John huffed as he gently started to wipe away the blood on my cheek, and under my nose. I watched John's focused face, I relaxed my body, I didn't even realize I was tensed. "Take a picture It'd last longer." John smiled, and he moved up to above my eyebrow were a nasty cut was, the taller boy had a nails that cut.

     I chuckled at John's remark before clinching my fists in pain. "Sorry." John whispered, feeling his warm breath tickle my face smelling his breath, mint of course that was the only flavor he vaped. I stayed still and quite as John gently placed an bandaid on my cut. Looking my face over one last time to see if he missed any cuts, but only seeing bruises which he couldn't do anything about the bruises, "(Y/n) I-" I cut John off when I grabbed his face pulling him into me kissing him. As I was about to pull away I felt John's hands grab the back of my head pushing back into the kiss, with a quiet humm of happiness.

      Finally I slowly pulled away, "sorry, for no warning, but I love you so much, more than I can really say." I blushed at John's small smirk. "Actually I was about to do the same but first." John paused, flicking my forehead "that's for being so retarded," I gave John a pout rubbing my forehead. Grabbing my face gently cupping my cheeks making sure to not push on them, he pulled me into another sweet kiss. Moving my head to the side I deepened the kiss, "Should I come back later?" I heard Craig remarked behind us at the opening of the kitchen.

   Pulling away I started laughing at Craig's teasing look he sent us, "About time you two, I thought you guy's would never get together." Craig joked as he walked over to us handing me my Shirt, "I'll be on my way and leave you two alone." Craig laughed winking as he left. "(Y/n)?" John asked, I turned to him with a smile as I ran my fingers through his long bleached hair, probably getting some blood in it from my hands. "Yes?" I simply replied feeling like I was on cloud nine. "I love you too, more than I love anything else." John whispered against my lips before kissing me again, keeping his touchs light and soft not wanting to hurt me.

   Who knew that fighting two teenagers would get you together with your crush?

((Hope you guys enjoyed! You can send in asks about me or requests! From anyone from banana bus squad or the misfits!))

[drjacquescoulardeau]

JOHN DIFELICE – LURES, CAREFUL WHAT YOU FISH FOR – 2017  

I am going to review this book the way I entered it and ran through it, at first w<ith amazed eyes and surprised wits and then little by little finding some depth. I might vene get to some conclusions that should surprise you. Note I WILL NOT psychoanalyze the author, which would be ridiculous and frivolous.

 DOES THE WORLD MAKE SENSE?

Strange story of a solitary, isolated, uncommunicative and non-understood or even non-understandable man who is married to a crazily jealous woman. The upstairs shower over the kitchen moans every time the man is taking a shower and imagine his wife in the kitchen who hears that sexual music of some kind of orgasmic event: meet Ernie and Dora. Don’t you think it would be simple to change the flooring under the shower? Not for them indeed. The end of this absurd situation of non-communication comes when the train Ernie is going to take is blown up meaning bang and smoke over debris by another woman. Terrorism is the home pacifier of awkward couples because Dora finally understand communication is better than phantasmagoric ranting about some surreal raving of the material world.

 ICH GROLLE NICHT

Sarah and Abraham and their pregnancy problem. Using a fertility doctor instead of an Arab slave, or even just plain God’s visitation. A certain Dr. Sperm who has no real name and just very dark and florid chest hairs flowing out of the open neck of his medical scrubs, is the pro(fessional)creator of the miracle of this test tube artificial insemination. A dream about God of course. Very Jewish but cleaned up of the second woman Hagar, replaced by medically monitored onanism (that does not seem to cause hair loss), something severely condemned by Mosaic law, but, well, there are so many strange things in this godless world. Spoiling oneself. And yet we all have known that angst and fear, that desire made perverse by the procedure. The deep pleasure of fertility tests. The title is of course an allusion to Schumann and his lieders. “Ich grolle nicht und wenn das Herz auch bricht.” “I bear no grudge, although my heart is breaking.” But why on earth is his heart breaking? Probably because of the sad, extremely sad story of Sarah and Abraham behind this sad tale of a fertility doctor playing God with gullible parents. Please visit Genesis 16-21. Let me give you just a few verses of the saddest part.

 16 Now Sarai Abram’s wife. . . had a handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. 2 And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai. 3 And Sarai Abram’s wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian. . . 4 And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes. . . 6 But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thy hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face. . . 15 And Hagar bare Abram a son: and Abram called his son’s name, which Hagar bare, Ishmael. 16 And Abram was fourscore and six years old, when Hagar bare Ishmael to Abram.

17 And when Abram was ninety years old and nine, the Lord appeared to Abram, and said unto him, I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be thou perfect. 2 And I will make my covenant between me and thee, and will multiply thee exceedingly. . . 15 And God said unto Abraham, As for Sarai thy wife, thou shalt not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall her name be. 16 And I will bless her, and give thee a son also of her: yea, I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people shall be of her. . . 19 And God said, Sarah thy wife shall bear thee a son indeed; and thou shalt call his name Isaac: and I will establish my covenant with him for an everlasting covenant, and with his seed after him. 20 And as for Ishmael, I have heard thee: Behold, I have blessed him, and will make him fruitful, and will multiply him exceedingly; twelve princes shall he beget, and I will make him a great nation. . .

21 And the Lord visited Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did unto Sarah as he had spoken. 2 For Sarah conceived, and bare Abraham a son in his old age, at the set time of which God had spoken to him. 3 And Abraham called the name of his son that was born unto him, whom Sarah bare to him, Isaac. . . 9 And Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, which she had born unto Abraham, mocking. 10 Wherefore she said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman and her son: for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son, even with Isaac. . . 14 And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child, and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness of Beer-sheba. 15 And the water was spent in the bottle, and she cast the child under one of the shrubs. 16 And she went, and sat her down over against him a good way off, as it were a bowshot: for she said, Let me not see the death of the child. And she sat over against him, and lift up her voice, and wept. 17 And God heard the voice of the lad; and the angel of God called to Hagar out of heaven, and said unto her, What aileth thee, Hagar? fear not; for God hath heard the voice of the lad where he is. 18 Arise, lift up the lad, and hold him in thine hand; for I will make him a great nation. 19 And God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water; and she went, and filled the bottle with water, and gave the lad drink. 20 And God was with the lad; and he grew, and dwelt in the wilderness, and became an archer. 21 And he dwelt in the wilderness of Paran: and his mother took him a wife out of the land of Egypt.”

ARTIFICIAL LIGHT

What a strange story of a woman who is going to get married to a man she does not love at least not any more. She finally finds the courage to tell him. He leaves speaking of pre-wedding jitters that will go away with time. She ends up looking at the light in some other apartment across the city wondering if there is something there, someone there. She is like a moth, attracted by a light in the darkness, a moth that gets light burnt in the night. Is that Hagar in her wilderness? Probably but what a sad solitude again.

 THE PERILS OF BELIEVING IN SANTA CLAUS

Santa Claus is the new god of this godless society of ours. He can only be God since Christmas is the birth a child that will not live beyond thirty-three years. A nine-year-old boy still believes in it and his mother is so happy and keen about it, nostalgically probably because it means setting up a tree, sharing presents and some kind of ritual that is more perverse than religious but it is charming. The husband and father finds that primitive and childish. The father finds nine a little bit late and old for such “faith” in a babyish tale. His wife is revealed as pulling his leg and she tells him she believes in it too in spite of the fact she buys all the present. But she finally reveals the truth: she overheard her son explaining to a friend of his he still believed in Santa Claus because he does not want to hurt his parents who consider that old man a very big deal. And the wife goes away alone in her truth and the husband knocks his whisky bottle down but it is empty anyway, implying he is a drunk as a skunk. But that is a happy ending, isn’t it? No cleaning to do. This life is so empty, so cold, so inhuman in a way without some simple beliefs in maybe impossible things but sweet things like Santa Claus. And since Santa does not exist, life definitely is empty, cold, inhuman, the desolate trinity of this godless life of ours.

 STAN SLADE AND THE CASE OF THE KILLER MEME

The man Stan wants to experiment how a meme can crossover to a gene, or vice versa. Meme-gene-crossover caused by anger, first hypothesis, or by fear, second hypothesis. He fails in his experiment and discovers people react only the way they are tamed, conditioned by not even education but by simple repetitive memes. They follow lines that have existed for years, millennia, forever. The girl he meets in the subway on the way to his experiment is trying to write something from what she observes in the subway and in the street. She fails too because she cannot find the final twist of a story by observing real life that is not comedy. Think of  Grenfell Tower in London, or the Manchester Arena in Manchester. Fiction is not real life. Real life is a lot more dramatic.

 What's left is a vision of life that is nothing but repetitive enslaving to quotations, memes that are repeating themselves, without the repeaters even knowing they just repeat sentences that enslave them into prefabricated reactions and behaviors. Pretty sad story after all. Note though the OBa-Di Obla-Da meme from the white record by the Beatles - or is it McCartney? – shifts from the man to the girl thanks to a poor street violinist who more or less repeats it just to make the money she needs to survive. Pretty sad spectacle with such a total self-regulating mess that follows lines and rules that are not even human, just physically unavoidable. The concept of meme is too cultural for these "rules". And the concept of gene is just out of scope. Memes pass from one person to another but it has no genetic content. But our intellectual character does not answer the real question though. How are these memes that inform our minds invented and how do they spread, and why? The American Revolution came at a very precise time and cannot be erased. It can maybe be outdated but by what and how? It sure was the perfect safeguard for the USA to remain forever a black chattel slavery society, and yet it only has retained the racism of it, but it sure is difficult to erase that crime against humanity that racism is.

SING FOR THE LONELY

So suicidal! The lonely one is a woman who is "ugly" and visually rejected by everyone till one night she sings a tremendously sad song and everyone receives the song as if it were theirs, sad, loveless, alone, solitary solitude, etc. The meme of the song, the meme of the voice may erase the meme of the looks. But then she disappears from the bar and from life entirely and becomes a haunting recollection that only lonely people can hear, the voice and the words. The memes of the voice and the words, but not the meme of the looks. They can hear her, not see her. Cruel life. There is a tremendous fate in this vision: we are all alone, solitary, isolated, cut off from the rest of the world and we can only survive with that fate if we remember the beauty of this solitude when transposed in poetry and music. Only art can make us strong enough to confront our solitude. Only poetical and musical memes can give us eternal life.

 This story (like all the others) is followed by a small poem entitled ZOLOFT. Zoloft (sertraline) is an antidepressant in a group of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). The way sertraline works is still not fully understood. It is thought to positively affect communication between nerve cells in the central nervous system and/or restore chemical balance in the brain. Zoloft is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). Zoloft may also be used for purposes not listed in this medication guide. And the she in the poem buys the Zoloft of her prescription and a “home” coming rope and she terminates her life and her Zoloft addiction in the attic of her home. That’s so lofty an end. How will she be remembered. What is her eternal life? She (we assume she is a she) can only end herself by suspending her life in the loft of her home and so loft herself into the other world.

 DAD IN THE MACHINE

Settling account with Daddy, and this one is not Father Christmas. He finally died ignoring his two children, the way he had ignored his wife, their mother. The only woman he cared for married his own brother and became his sister in law, the aunt of the children. Tommy, the son, is a whizz kid and he lives in a totally digital and virtual world he has created himself for himself and only himself. The daughter writes plays and she is the master/mistress of the characters as long as they are on the paper. But they may get some free will when actors are good. Both evade the real world, one onto the lamp-lit workbench in the dark basement and the other onto the lime-lit stage in the dark theater.

 Tommy, the son, uses a machine to download the psyche of the father and then to explore it and finds out what he wants to get: declarations of love, declarations that were never true or present in real life and that the son has always longed for. In other words, the son rebuilds the father the way he wants him to be, but he was not. The daughter Kelly then discovers that this digital virtual father can be a nice man after all, though he had ignored her right to the end in spite of all she did to take care of him at the end and she brings forward the final desire of hers. She wants her brother to make the digital virtual father says the same loving things to her, that he has never said. . . ever.

 For these two grown-up kids to fall in such a trap they must have suffered a lot under the blind, cold, freezing and frozen rule of their father. More generally though these stories explore the implacable, impossible, inhuman and un-human world of people who are completely isolated, alone, unable to have any contact with anyone and who can only dream such contacts through fantasized or imagined beings that have no reality. So sad. So pessimistic. So void.

LURE OF THE UNATTAINABLE

CRUEL IS A EUPHEMISM. Two mothers raised together from the first day. Their two sons raised the same way. One girl loved by Michael, dated and married by Freddy. Michael goes to California to become a doctor and comes back only to replace his father when he retires. He has an affair with Freddy's wife. She stops it after a while and asks Michael not to tell. But She tells Freddy who invites Michael – who does not know how to swim – to go night fishing. Freddy reveals his knowledge about the affair to frighten Michael and then they laugh. Freddy forgives him. But Michael insists to have a real proof of his forgiving. He jumps into the water and requires Freddy to come and save him. Freddy gets ready for it but he does not. He just looks at Michael drowning.

 There was an allusion to Abel and Cain when the two men were boys, but here the "vengeance" is so cruel, cold, calculated and yet not calculated, purely circumstantial. By the way Freddy will have some difficulty explaining why Michael took off his life-jacket before "falling" in the water and why, though he turned the boat's light on, he, Freddy, did not rescue him.

 In this case two men who are so close that they could have developed some intimate adventure which might have clarified and simplified the rivalry or made it more complex hence more human. They did not though and in fact they remained so solitary, so alone, so isolated that Michael in love with the girl lets that girl be dated and married by Freddy and then a long time later he betrays Freddy's friendship and seduces the wife or lets her seduce him, and then Michael challenges Freddy to let him die – or save him – and Freddy lets him die. The world is horrible. Life is hateful. Life is also lethal and death is the necessary outcome for life to go on.

 SPREAD MY ASHES LIKE WE PLANNED

A morbid threesome. Three men going on a canoe trip on the third weekend every August, till one of them dies, Ballgame, leaving Nickels and Diggs behind with the mission of spreading his ashes in the face of all the bartenders of the bars they visited on their canoe trips and it unavoidably rained every single year. Their whole life was dedicated to dreaming of going to Dublin one day, which they did not do, and to suffering the rain, and doing something they did out of habit and with no conscious reason at all. That’s the dictatorship of a meme for sure.

 Morbid, lethal, mortiferous, deadly. Vicious too and this habit that has no real reason or objective or motivation is a caricature of the Obsessive Compulsive Disorderly Life most people are having, the meaningless obsessional order of their habits being the disorder of their life itself. And Zoloft might be the solution with a good rope and a church with a high organ loft.

 To conclude there is only one word possible. This author is trying to haunt us with stories that carry, depict and inject in us the poison of life, that poison that makes us solitary people who will die alone, completely alone and those who do not die when we die will die soon and anyway sooner or later. This calamitous fate of ours, reverberating with Biblical fiction, is the very poison of our life that will kill our life in the end. Life is the utmost self-destroying unsustainable dimension of human beings and they do not seem to realize it. And they will cry when their last day comes. They have been warned but the warnings on the cars of their lives is an option, like the blinkers and the reverse gears, maybe the brakes too. I just wonder if for many the wheels are not the ultimate option of their existential cars.

Dr. Jacques COULARDEAU

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Wait A Minute

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Wait A Minute

–Verse– Wait, wait, wait a minute Wait a goddamn minute Wait, wait, wait a minute Wait one fucking minute I’m looking at your year end list You’re choosing rappers you’re friends with Who be rapping what their friends did Toolie ratchets and extensions Wait, wait, wait a minute We done already heard their best shit We already got the message They on a lean, molly, Percocet trip Think I found what real success is Running around here since “The Message” Forty pounder full of death wish Money counter full of blessings I sent a cannonball right at the cannon barrel Through your wall, closet, through your damn apparel Through your grandma chair, through your granite counter Topping, I ain’t tryna stop it ’till you standing on the doorstep Of the man upstairs, nigga, you’re next Wait a minute, nigga I’ve been going crazy on these records way before Flex This the bad half Shady vortex, armed in navy warfare Y’all them Barnum Bailey boys Best to back the fuck up or get smacked the fuck up eighty million different ways If I say it’s fuck the world then the world’s getting fucked Eighty million different ways When I’m finished with it Then the world’s gon get the AIDS like some 1984 sex This the traumatize your favorite rapper year This the homicide related racketeer All I’m tryna hear today is trap and drill It’s all downhill from here like Jack and Jill Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute Wait a motherfucking minute I’m giving all my hoes an ultimatum, she my mascot I’m just tryna motivate her, I’m just popping shit She just getting ass shot Like a Soulja Boy home invader I get a whole clip to all my haters Just so I could go and get exonerated Wait, wait, wait a minute Wait a motherfucking minute I watch you niggas go tool up I’m Compton menace on school bus It’s documented, boy, prove what? Been dropping gems since I grew up I got to feel this void move, bruh The target’s been destroyed, boo ya These nerds rapping for attention For a word from Vlad or Akademik Prefer to slap you over engine I’m Murs rapping for the Guinness Wait, wait, wait a minute I know you heard I’m back in business I’m going harder than Tha Carter X I’m birds flapping independent I’m tycooning through the pressure I’m typhooning through this weather I might do a nigga beat for ’em Give him back to him a little PHresher Got the cash holding on line two, brink trucks noise on one Casanova with the rifle, fuckboy, don’t run I’m live from it with the streams Buying guns and getting beams You guys coming with your teams It’s feeling like iFunny with the memes I flip the blade like “say something” Around dough like Rajon Let you rip the stage Then I come and rip the stage down more like Trey Songz Category slaughter gang shit Feel me, nigga, this is God hustle Phantom or the ‘Vette, Tammy Lahren, Charlamagne shit The odd couple Wait, wait, wait a minute I’m prime away from fucking mating with her I bend her over, stick her on the expensive car Tyler fucking Creator with it You a lame, you from Twitter fame You had a chain, now it’s your nigga chain Face down on your computer keys sleep Closest you gon’ be to laying in your name Body bag after body bag Leave a trail laying in your lane I’m Cold Chillin’ on the record business But I ain’t saying I distribute Kane Wait a motherfucking minute You popping molly with the actors I fucked the baddest of the white bitches I’m Talib Kweli with the blackness I’m most def with immigration Ladies on top of ladies I’m Mos Def with immigration Babies on top of babies Wait a motherfucking minute