#The Knights who say Ni

[victusinveritas]

[ultimateknightbattle]

Round 1 (Group 2)

Kaladin Stormblessed art by botanicaxu

[sharkchunks]

Eternal admiration for the best acting in all of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, by Bea Duffell

[bjfinn]

THE HORNED ONE

An origin story for the leader of the Knights Who Say "Ni", for @foxden-frontier & @honeydewtreacle -- thanks for the headcanons!

And now for something completely different ...

Neil fell to his knees and pitched forward, stopping his fall with his hands, fighting for breath, as the curse ripped through his body, breaking bones, twisting muscles, snapping ligaments and tendons. A ragged scream escaped him -- it was barely a whisper. He collapsed to the ground, writhing in agony, his clothing tattered ruins.

Tim the Enchanter laughed sadistically. "That'll teach you to steal my eggs!"

"I ... didn't ... know ..." Neil began.

"Ignorance is no defence!"

"No," Neil agreed. His voice was steadier now, the transformation almost complete. "No, it isn't." Slowly, he got to his feet. "But ... maybe you should keep your chickens in a bloody chicken coop -- instead of letting them run around the forest laying eggs anywhere they bloody WANT!!! "

Tim backed away in terror -- his spell had worked, but he hadn't planned on this. The being that stood before him was absolutely huge -- nearly twice the height of the man it had been.

"Please!" Tim cried. "Please don't hurt me!"

"I should do," came the reply. "After all, you hurt me. But I've never believed in violence -- I'm a pacifist." He looked down at the Enchanter. "I ... I just have one question."

"O-of course," Tim said, nodding frantically. "What is it? What do you desire to know? If it is within my power to answer your --"

"What am I?" the giant asked. "What did you turn me into? And why am I so bloody tall? "

"Ermm ... that's two questions, actually." The monster took a shaky step toward him, and Tim fell, landing on his arse, and hurriedly scuttled backwards. "Of .. of course -- of course, they're related questions. Intimately related, one might say. Really, it's a two-part question -- and a very good question. Quite a reasonable thing to ask, if I may say --"

Neil glowered at the sorcerer.

"Where was I?" Tim said. "Ah, yes -- your question! Well, erm ... you're ... a faun."

"A faun?" The giant looked at Tim, perplexed. "Why would you turn me into a faun? I mean, there are so many much worse things you could have made me -- you could have turned me into a ..." He thought for a brief moment, and then a smile lit up his face. "A chicken! You could have turned me into one of your chickens to replace the eggs I stole. That would make much more sense than turning me into a faun! "

Tim nodded, frowning. "You're right," he said. "Why didn't I think of that? Ah, well ... it's too late now, I suppose. You're a faun, and a faun you shall remain."

"Right," Neil said. "Well, fair enough -- but that doesn't answer the other question."

"The ... other question?"

"Why am I so tall?"

"Ah," Tim said. "Yes, well ... erm ... I suppose ... I suppose I may have been a little too, erm ... zealous. Put a tad too much oomph into the spell, so to speak. Went a bit overboard, I'm afraid ..." He coughed, embarrassed. "Sorry about that, old chap."

"Can you ... shrink me down? Make me normal sized?"

Tim shook his head. "Erm ... I'm afraid not," he replied. "Once a spell is complete, it -- it can't be altered. Sorry," he said again.

"Ah. All right -- I suppose there's nothing for it, then. I suppose I'll just ... go live in the forest, shall I? Be one with nature, as they say." He clapped his hands together. "Right. Well, toodle-oo! Pip-pip and cheerio and all that!"

And with that, the giant faun that had once been a human turned and headed into the forest.

Tim watched him go, shaking his head. "I really should learn to be more careful," he said to himself, and started back home.

*****

Neil took a deep breath and looked around himself. "I suppose the first thing to do would be to find someplace to live."

Fortunately, he already knew the forest quite well. Being a peasant farmer had never really worked out for him -- he couldn't manage to grow anything worth eating, and he wasn't able to get his chickens to lay enough eggs, nor his cow to give enough milk. His only recourse had been foraging (no hunting -- he was a vegetarian), and he'd come to know the forest like the back of his hand.

He looked at the backs of his hand, flexing the fingers. "Well, that's not true any more," he said. "Just look at all this hair!" He looked down at his body -- a thick mat of light brown fur covered his previously hairless chest and trailed down his belly to meet up with the fur below his waist. His legs, which had always been strong, now were like those of an elk, covered in the same light brown fur and ending in black cloven hooves.

All in all, he wasn't entirely displeased with the transformation -- better a faun than a chicken. Or a ... a worm, or something.

"Right," he said. "Shelter first, then food, then ... Oh, I don't know. Do fauns wear clothes? I suppose I should have something for the winter, at least. But there's time enough for that."

He continued through the forest, his gait becoming steadier with every step.

*****

"This looks promising," he said to himself. He'd discovered what looked like a small cave half-hidden among the roots of an enormous oak -- the question was would he be able to fit? If he were still human-sized, it wouldn't be a problem, but ...

After a bit of twisting, he managed to crawl into the cave. Well, actually ... he fell in, when one of the roots gave way under his weight. He landed on his back, the breath knocked out of him, looking up through the hole at the dappled sunlight.

The cave was bigger than he'd thought it would be -- quite roomy, in fact. Half a dozen humans could easily fit inside, so it was nice and cosy for a single giant faun. "Yes," he said, "I think this'll do nicely." He stood up and banged his ... what was on his head???

"I really must get a look at myself," he muttered.

He climbed out of the cave and started in the direction of a small pond he had often visited.

In short order he reached the pond. Nervously, he took a deep breath and leaned over to see his reflection.

His face hadn't changed, at least -- the scruffy beard, the brown eyes, the perfectly shaped nose ... he was still a handsome devil. He smiled -- his teeth were unchanged, as well. Suddenly he gasped in shock.

Growing out of the top of his head was a pair of magnificent antlers -- gently curved, and with two large branches each.

He hadn't expected that!

Still, the more he looked at them, the more he was all right with the idea. They were quite elegant, after all. Even ... distinguished, one might say.

*****

By the end of the week, he'd become accustomed to his new existence. He'd gotten used to walking on hooves instead of feet, he'd learned to turn his head to avoid getting his antlers caught in the branches of the trees ... There was only one thing that bothered him, though -- he'd begun to forget his own name.

"I know it starts with N," he muttered. "Norris? Nigel? Newton?" He sighed dejectedly. "Well, whatever it is, it's not me any more, is it? I suppose there's nothing for it but to give myself a new name." He thought long and hard about what sort of name a giant faun might have, but it was no use -- he couldn't think of anything.

"Hmm ... I'm a bit peckish," he said. Since embarking on his new life, he'd begun talking to himself quite a bit to stave off the loneliness. "Maybe just a nibble ...

"That's it! Nibble! " He frowned and shook his head. "No, that's the sort of name you'd give to a cute little bunny rabbit -- not a ten-foot-tall faun. But maybe ... Nib? " He rolled the name around his mouth for a bit. "Nib. Nib. Hello, my name is Nib -- nice to meet you. Nib's the name, and frolicking's the game."

He nodded slowly. "I think that'll do nicely."

*****

As the greens of summer gave way to the reds and golds of autumn, the weather grew cooler and it started becoming harder to find food. Nib knew he'd have to begin stocking up for the winter.

He gathered as much as he could -- acorns and hazelnuts and other such things, but he also began visiting the nearby farms in the middle of the night to steal a few potatoes, turnips or pumpkins, or a bag of wheat, oats or barley. He knew it was wrong, and if he were caught he'd likely be killed without so much as a "by your leave" -- he was a monster, after all, and as such not entitled to due process in a court of law -- but he had no choice in the matter. It was either steal or starve. Besides, he only took a little from each farm. And he made a promise to himself that he would compensate them as soon as he was able to do.

*****

It wasn't long before the people of the surrounding communities noticed that some of their vegetables and bags of grain were going missing in the night, of course, and they set up a night watch to try and catch the thief. But when the reports started coming in about a giant with antlers on its head, they became afraid.

"It be one of the old gods," they whispered. "What's his name -- the Horned One. We've been neglecting him."

And so they began setting out a portion of the harvest each evening for their mysterious visitor.

That first night, the sight of the table piled high with food surprised Nib. He drew closer -- they'd put up a sign that read "For the Horned One of the Forest".

Nib's eyes welled up, and the tears spilled down his cheeks. These people were willing to let him have a portion of their harvest simply out of the goodness of their hearts.

That's when Nib knew that everything would be all right.

[blipblorpsnork]

no one expects the knights who say, "Ni."

[m3r1m4r5u333]

I may look ridiculous but you all should know that this headgear isn't tinfoil it's fucking mithril--

[elvisomar]

[thewisemankey]

YOU'D NEVER SURVIVE.

Unless you have a shrubbery ready.

This has been reposted by people so many times (and without credit!) since I first put it on Twitter. but hi I painted this and I like it.

Print is here!

[ssanguinemoon]

some days you just need a shrubbery

[giantsinthemist]

An Ode to Ni

The knight order of ni

those pernicious knids

their nincompoop bearings

and side-style grins

Great order of might

no man can stand in their path

not without say least

a shrubbery to keep peace

Each member so mighty

Yet separate they stall

Fallaciously whole

That Arthur might fall

-GITM "An Ode to Ni"

to all those with maladaptive sleep-deprived ravings

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

It's the 6 month anniversary of this blog! Check out these cool bugs I found.

(EDIT: Check out this amazing fanart by thecornermushroom!)

Part 2 - Part 3

[ultimateknightbattle]

Round 4

[sockenpuppe]

[wparker6804]

[krisfreedain]

"I hurt myself today."

tis but a scratch.

[owlhari]

some spamalots from memory bc i saw it the other day. it was so goofy i fell in love with these silly guys immediately

[image description from alt text]