#The Cat kinda reminds me of flowery at the start of the game

[blubberingblobmonster]

WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

NEO POLITAN YOU ARE ONE CRAZY BITCH AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT

AND THE CURIOUS CAT OMFG

[thatyanderecritic]

Deathless

Title: Deathless

Media: Book, Author: Catherynne Valente

Yandere(s): Koschei the Deathless (Or as Julie and I like to call him: “Kosher”)

Yandere Scale: 1/5 (Julie: 0/5)

Criticism written by: Kai

Editor: Julie

Before we begin, Julie and I have two different views on this book. To keep things clean, I did the review while Julie did an analysis; which you can read here.

The Review:

Sigh… Kai here, back with another review. This time I’ll be reviewing the confusing and difficult to follow novel: Deathless. Bear with me as we go down this rabbit hole of a review.

Now booting Kai 2.0 … Version: Salty

Deathless is a story about… uh… Deathless is a tale about a girl named Marya (Mary? Maria? Idk how to pronounce any of these Russian names if it’s not Ivan or Dimitri.) who get whisked away by the tsar of life: Kosher- I mean Koschei and become his wife. In the beginning of the book, Marya was seduced by Koshei and his magical lifestyle. After succeeding in the three tasked made by Baba Yaga (yeah, IDFK. Apparently the Baba Yaga and Koschei are siblings), Baba Yaga gives her blessing to Marya and Koschei’s wedding. But Marya was warned that she would leave Koschei in the future and fall in love with a man named Ivan. Marya swears that’ll never happen; she’ll kill Ivan and eat his heart. Immediately starting in part 2, Marya falls in love with Ivan in the middle of fighting a war with Koschei’s brother (IDFK man, this shit is hard to follow). Marya runs away with Ivan and together they suffer in hunger and poverty. Koschei goes running to Marya and begs for her to take him back. Marya locks Koschei up in her basement (fuck man, I’m so lost) and had Ivan promise to never look in the basement. For a time, things seem to be well with Marya fucking Koschei in the day and banging Ivan at night. But Ivan, being a nosy motherfucker, looks in the basement and discovers Koschei. After Koschei tricks Ivan to give him some water to drink, Koschei regain his magic and kidnaps Marya. Now in part 3 (the final part), Marya and Koschei are living a happy married life in a small Russian town with happy villagers. Things are going swimmingly till Marya gives birth to a little girl… that little girl being the embodiment of Koschei’s death. Koschei died and Marya is freed. Turns out that Koschei had the two of them trapped in a peaceful dream within an egg. But the thing is, Koschei’s death is hidden within an egg… which is why he died (Don’t look at me, I’m fucking tripping as it is as I’m recalling the story). Now back in the real world, Marya looks for Ivan; who was dying from old age. After watching Ivan die, Marya moves on and discovers a town like the town in the dream. There, all her fairytale friends are living there as humans.Only the Baba Yaga recalls Marya and explains how Koschei’s brother won the war and turn all the mystical into the normal. Koschei is still alive in the village and Marya decided to visit him to see if he remembers her… I guess. The ending is ambiguous.

Anyways… what the fuck did I just read? Well… Julie and I technically didn’t read the full novel. Our knowledge comes from a combination of: an 11 hour audiobook of Deathless (which we didn’t finish because we were confused as fuck), the wikipedia summary, two reviews on Deathless, and the actual hard copy of the actual book (which we didn’t finish because we were confused as fuck). Let me just complain here and say this book is damn near unreadable and almost unintelligible. First, people talk as if they’re the goddamn Riddler from Batman. Characters were unable to straight up say what they mean, phrases have double meaning, and it was like reading the writings of Dr. Seuss’s less talented brother. Descriptions were just a fucking pain in the ass to comprehend. Everything about this book was a fucking mental gymnastics. Julie and I had to stop every five minutes to decode what the hell is going on.

You see that? All that flowery words bullshit? Marya is just throwing up. JUST SAY SHE’S THROWING UP AND MOVE ON. CHRIST. It took Julie and I three minutes to figure out what this description was suppose to be about. And this was one of the easier descriptions. It doesn’t even help that the story itself is just plain nonsensical. It felt like I was reading the words of the author after she puked out alphabet soup. Already, Deathless was basis on a Russian folktale that was already wild. With the combination of awful dialogue and confusing description, it was just a maze of a book to traverse.

I get some people will argue with me that this is a good book. For one, I probably just don’t understand it because it’s not my culture. Sure, you might be right. But so is the author… Catherynne is an American. Not Russian. Besides, the original folktale that Deathless is based on was easier to follow than this crap. Next argument some might have is that “Deathless is too sophisticated for your simple mind to handle.” No. It’s not. It’s ridiculously complicated for no reason. Complicated does not mean well written. There is nothing wrong with writing something simpler… you’re trying to create a novel that all adults regardless of age can understand. Truth be told, the writing in Deathless reminds me of the stuff you’ll find in creative writing class. This sort of story would get notes everywhere saying “Less description. More action” or “What do you mean? Clarify.” You're not the next Da Vinci code but a storyteller. Can’t tell a story if it ain’t readable. To compare this book, I would compare it to those research papers you would read in college. Lots of information but written by someone who’s trying to sound smart.

Moving on from my bitching, let’s talk about the one thing people care about the most: the yandere and characters. Based on what Julie and I were able to figure out, Koschie is the supposive yandere here. First let’s talk about him. Besides talking like the chester cat from Alice in Wonderland, Koschie was a surprisingly passionate guy who really cares about Marya. The best scenes with Koschie are the scenes when he isn’t talking and just physically showing his physical affections for Marya (lol). You know the phrase: “You look better with your mouth closed”? That fits perfectly for Koschie. Koschie’s physical interactions with Marya is the only straightforward thing with this entire novel.It was the rain in a desert. Anyways… even though Koschie was a passionate guy, it doesn’t make him a yandere. He breaks many of our rules… but the biggest one he broke was that Koschie still fucks other women besides Marya and keeps a collection of his past wives in a factory. I know the anon explains that these wives were actually Marya in another cycle? But honestly, it doesn’t change anything for us. Btw, anon, you’re seriously a champion for figuring that out. Julie and I did not know at all that this was supposed to be a cycle at all. Shit… I feel like we’re a part of game theory for trying to figure out what this author even means. Spoiler alert: If you have to do a conspiracy theory on your novel, your book ain’t that great.  

Sorry… back to Koschie. Anyways, Koschie says some pretty words here and there. He sounds pretty yandere on paper… I guess. But Koschie bangs other chicks and lets Marya bang other dudes too on the side. Sure, I guess this is a progressive poly relationship. Good for them. But poly relationship plus yandere? It just doesn’t mix. This ain’t it chief. Koschie skims on the edge of being a yandere and being not a yandere. Sure he kidnaps Marya, kill some dudes that have the name Ivan, and say some possessive shit to her, but the actions just doesn’t line up. I don’t know… with the cycle theory in play here, I just see Koschie as a broken man who’s trying to reclaim control over his life. Not exactly a yandere per say. Like imagine: getting cuckold by some normal human, over and over again. Shit, I would go crazy too. I feel really bad for Koschie for falling in love with/having a wife like Marya. Apparently, Koschie and Marya are the same type of people but idk man… Marya is kinda of a crazy bitch too.

I’ll just briefly talk about Marya now. As we all know, a female lead defines a yandere. And Marya? Yikes man. I don’t know where to start with her. First off, Marya somehow managed to be both smart and stupid at the same time. We see that she’s clever enough to solve Baba Yaga’s tasks but she so goddamn stupid. Because of her curiosity, she’s extremely meddlesome and got Koschie almost killed even though he told her not to fuck with the egg… yet she fucks with the egg anyways. Then we jump to part two where Marya is more jaded and blames Koschie for all her misfortune (Idk). It’s not like he did anything bad to her. Honestly, reading their interactions, Koschie has been nothing but a gentleman to her. Besides the fact he bangs other women and like to do some weird power play on Marya, he’s pretty chill. If anything, she brought her own misfortune herself. She chased after Koschie because she’s fascinated by magic and wanted to be part of that world. Now that she’s part of that world, she doesn’t want to bare the burden of it anymore and return back with the humans; with Ivan. Btw, Marya wanted to sort of “keep” both Ivan and Koschie at the same time (because she’s thirsty). I mean… I get the sentiment, but Koschie literally stated that he wasn’t comfortable with that but Marya had her bitchy mode where she scratched Koschie and told him not to talk to her in that way (Weird flex but okay?). Ivan wasn’t cool with the arrangement either, hence why Marya left with Ivan. But oh the irony. Marya left with Koschie to avoid suffering, hunger, and fascination for magic but now with Ivan, Marya returned back to a life of suffering, hunger, and the normal. Again, more irony, Marya and Ivan have a fight because of their lifestyle. This is the part where Koschie comes begging at her door. And Marya, only being able to think with her vagina now, bangs Koschie and locks him in her basement. Just like how Koschie did a weird power play over Marya, Marya now does a power play over Koschie. One of the more fucked up lines Marya said to Koschie was along the lines of, “Lol. Look at you. Trapped in my basement… waiting for my attention while you abandon the war outside.” Like mega yikes my dude. I know Julie and I asked for a twisted female protagonist, but we asked for a relatable twisted female protagonist. Not… this. I guess Marya is strong? But… weird. Honestly… I lost any relatability with Marya the minute she started bouncing between Ivan and Koschie. And with how… sadistic she became towards the end, I don’t blame Koschie’s action. That’s a broken man with possible stockholm syndrome at this point.

Anyways… to summarize… I don’t know what I just read. Story is confusing. Characters are weird. I just have a bunch of puzzle pieces in my hand and a couple of yandere like lines. I suppose I can appreciate Koschie as an aesthetic. He says some pretty neat things, physically sounds sexy, and does some yandere like actions. So… I give him one yandere pity point for the attempt.... He might have shine better if the story was actually good.

Overall score: 1/10

[autistic-council-spectre]

character headcanons meme: nihlus and garrus ;3c

my boys

ignore the fact i fell asleep after rbing that post lmao. it also didn't save my draft and i had to redo like half of it aaaa

nihlus-2-4 songs that are probably on their iPod:Novocaine by Fall Out Boy,Liar Liar by Avicci,and The City Is at War by Cobra Starship -the one place they sometimes end up falling asleep–where they’re not supposed to: tbh i feel like he probably sometimes comes back from missions+meets w the council and is like yknow what,,their office meeting space is a good place to sleep and just flops. or if it’s just a kinda tired he takes naps at cafes when waiting for saren -the game they’d destroy everyone else at:mmm probably either first person shooter games or card games?? bc like both are good on long missions to play during downtime so he just kinda. gets good @them both -the emoticon they’d use most often: either >:0 or 😘 Probably Definitely directed @saren most lmao -what they act like when they haven’t had enough sleep: like. if it’s just a little bit lack of sleep he’s kinda grumpy but trying to be civil+Obviously looks pretty tired and doesn’t process words as quick as before. if it’s like pulling a couple all nighters he has -2000 filter, spaces out here and there p often and starts laughing at the most random words -their preferred hot beverage on really cold nights. or mornings. or whenever: hums i think tea :? like the turian equivalency of hyacinth tea w that kind of nice soothing sweetish flowery taste -how they like to comfort/care for themselves when they’re in a slump: s̶u̶c̶k̶i̶n̶ ̶s̶a̶r̶e̶n̶s̶ ̶d̶i̶c̶k̶ i mean fixation aside probably making a pile of pillows+blankets and gently convincing saren to come cuddle with him and watch trashy space anime. OR or sitting out in the garden underneath the stars and seeing how many patterns he can make out of them til he falls asleep -what they wanted to be when they grew up: mmm i feel like he always kinda wanted to be a freelance mercenary or like benevolent pirate(like treasure planet kinda feel :?) and also liked the idea of working w animals like varren either in a veterinarian setting or like K9 unit setting either one -their favorite kind of weather: whenever it’s nice and dark outside and it’s raining really heavy so that way you have an excuse to stay in under the covers and snooze or read for hours -thoughts on their singing voice (decent? terrible? soprano? alto?): tbh he k n o w s he’s bad @it like not awful but not amazing either and sometimes will purposefully exaggerate just how bad he is to mess with his friends and watch them Suffer™ -how/what they like to draw or doodle

when he's like stressed i figure he doodles on his hands and arms little tick marks like llllllll all over in groups of 3 or 9. but when he's just bored an chilling he likes to doodle this friends bc he's a sappy boy

garrus

-2-4 songs that are probably on their iPodthis nerd totally has them organized between cool fight songs ™, fricklin songs, lovey ones and one's that remind him of x friend so like: Kiss the Devil by Bel Heir, Mighty Long Fall by ONE OK ROCK, and She'll Never Fall In Love by Zoo Legacy -the one place they sometimes end up falling asleep–where they’re not supposed to if its got a flat surface that's where he be but pre game i figure like. curled up under his desk snoozing so no one can come in and yell @him right away anyways and during game like curled up at the kitchen table or inside the mako -the game they’d destroy everyone else attotally strategy games and the like it's just rlly nice whenever things click into place for him like that so he's gotten Rlly Good at it -the emoticon they’d use most often 100% 😚😘😍 when he's in a relationship he's a sappy lil fuck -what they act like when they haven’t had enough sleep-1000000 patience like he wants to be civil but he's running on 0energy and wants to be Alone™, also leans on everything while pretending he's totally Not asleep in between drowning himself in coffee -their preferred hot beverage on really cold nights. or mornings. or whenevertotally the turian equivalency of hot chocolate w like the lil mini marshmallows and everything -how they like to comfort/care for themselves when they’re in a slump listen. listen he listens to one of the fleet and flotilla songs u can't convince me he doesn't just curl up on the couch and binge watch it when he's having a bad day, probably also while eating ice cream -what they wanted to be when they grew uptbh im gonna agree w canon a lil in that he wanted to be a Spectre when he grew up bc they we're cool and he wanted to help ppl like :0 but i also figure he wanted to be an engineer or mechanic to take things apart and put them together again and generally see how it works -their favorite kind of weather mmm whenever it's like rlly bright outside and warm like not Holy Fuck The Sun Is Gonan Kill Me warm but just mmmm :3 kinda warm so he can hang outside and look at animals or nap in a sunny spot like a big ol cat -thoughts on their singing voice (decent? terrible? soprano? alto?)nmm a pretty good singing voice actually i think? and he can hit those low notes when he's singing along to his music damn easily -how/what they like to draw or doodle

hums i feel like he kinda enjoys drawing schematics of things like ships, planes, cars etc like he doesn't have the designs fully fleshed out just a general yeah this would look Rad +geometric patterns and 3D shapes like whenever you 1st learned how to draw a 3D cube and that's all u did