#Thank you Shemar for the perfect message lol

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Me when I lose all brain power and can’t reply to anyone for an unreasonable amount of time:

This one is for all my babygirls. I see your comments, ladies (neutral), and they make me smile. I’m lurkin and I’m stalkin when you least expect it. But lately I’ve just been taking care of my business and getting my grind on but I promise you I’ll be back to play and get my flirt on.

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Criminal Minds s05e07 “The Performer” review - or more aptly named, the episode where they arrest a vampire?

Episode 07 – The Performer

Hey guys! So I’m just gonna get into it, because I can’t wait to see my perfect puppy acting as leader again.

Let’s see what happens.

Okay, goth artist? Cool.

Wait. Why is he made up like a vampire? What’s going on here?

Oh he’s a good singer, damn!

Gavin Rossdale. Wow. Seriously amazing dude.

Fangirls. Oh boy.

Damn.

Why did he just punch that mirror?

Is he having a psycho break? Oh dear.

Ew. So the unsub drained her blood and wrote something on her? Why?

Oh god. No. fuck. Is this gonna be some vampiric crazy episode? Oh dear.

“So what did you lie about, Tara?”

Ooh. Puppy questioning a dead girl.

“Wait – seriously, are those supposed to be fang marks?”

Oh god.

“Someone drank their blood.”

Fuck.

Montague Summers: “In all the darkest pages in the malign supernatural, there is no more terrible tradition than that of a vampire – a pariah even among demons.”

Cheerful.

She said with the utmost sarcasm in her keyboard.

Haha, they’re going to work with the same detective in LA where they worked the serial case iin season one. Oh my god.

“I do remember that case.”

“Ever talk to Lila anymore?”

“You know, I think we should probably focus on this case right now. It’s a little more pertinent.”

Wait, did he just deflect? Oh poodle, I’m curious now.

Derek, you little shit.

“All right, so tell us about blood-drinkers, Reid.”

Why my poodle?

“Human blood consumption, or clinical vampirism, is known as Renfield’s Syndrome, named after the insect-eating character in Bram Stoker’s novel ‘Dracula’.” Charming.

Not.

“Renfield’s syndrome is usually accompanied by varying levels of schizophrenia and occasionally more classic cannibalism if the condition evolves.”

“Classic cannibalism. Lovely job we have.”

I empathize with Rossi’s sarcasm.

“True cases are exceedingly rare.”

“That’s comforting. Sort of.”

“Renfield’s may be rare, but vampires are anything but.”

“And there’s a huge subculture in Los Angeles of the red-drinking ‘undead’.”

Oh dear.

“They mostly just dress up like Prentiss did in high school and they make believe … it’s all kinds of delicious.”

Oh my god, Prentiss’s face. XD

“Okay, I’m going to continue spelunking through various online sites, see if anything jumps up and bites me.”

XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

“Thanks, baby g-”

Wait, is he not allowed to say baby girl anymore as her boss? SOMEONE GET HOTCH BACK AS THE UNIT CHIEF! I NEED TO HEAR THAT NAME!

“Thanks, Penelope.”

Shit.

“Yes, sir.”

See. Now I’m torn. Because it’s hot to hear her refer to him as ‘sir’, but I still want to keep the baby girl part. God damn it, this show is giving me serious whiplash. And they expect me not to turn murder suicidal?

I really don’t like this manager.

Wait. So his name isn’t really Dante? It’s just a pseudonym for the gig? Wow.

Lieutenant Kim! Awesome!

Though I thought he died back in season one… guess it’s really been four seasons since XD

Whew. He grew his hair out LONG. For a dude.

“Hook up with Garcia.”

Again, you need to work on your phrasing for us dirty-minded fans.

“Reid … set up a preliminary profile based on what you already know about the psychopathology.” I love it when they use his brain for good.

“Let’s find out what we can on Tara.”

Good luck.

Baby, why you blink so much? That was a lot of blinky faces.

Wow. This dude is seriously out of it. Fuck.

“This is almost like my first apartment in Georgetown. My mom wanted me to stay on campus, but I was determined to make it, so … I waitressed on the weekends to swing it.”

Nice.

“You must have been a hell of a waitress to swing an apartment in Georgetown.”

“No, I sucked.”

HA.

“I only got by ‘cause my mom put money in my account every week and we both pretended I didn’t know.”

Cute.

“Who’s this guy?” I’m with you, Rossi, he looks creepy AF.

“If you want to look into a young girl’s life today, you have to access her MySpace, Facebook and Twitter accounts.”

True.

“I’ll call the sexiest hacker on the planet.”

XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Again. People like Shemar Moore should not be allowed to say ‘lick’, ‘saliva’, or ‘bite’. I’m sorry, but it’s too much for me.

“I always feel skeevy going through someone’s life like this.”

What? But … hacker … I don’t get it… whatever. She’s amazing.

“Okay, so everything looks like it’s password protected …”

“You’re already in, aren’t you?”

“Password was Cullen.”

DUH.

“Colon?” Oh my god.

“Cullen. The vampire family from ‘Twilight’.”

“What’s ‘Twilight’?”

I died.

“Do you ever read anything other than technical books?”

“Not much in English.”

Oh god, my heart is melting.

“I’ll see what I can dredge. My love is strong.”

As is mine.

“What’s a BFF?”

Oh Reid.

“Should I go with you?”

Dude, it’s gonna be girl talk. So no. And you have work to do.

“I should really work on it a little more.”

Wait. What? She’s calling Derek and telling him he’s ready even though he doesn’t feel like it. oh god.

JJ, you little shit!

“Hey.”

With a tone that clearly says, fuck, I’m so fucking fucked up.

“We’re ready with a preliminary profile.”

No, poodle is ready with a preliminary profile.

“That’s quick.”

“So’s this unsub.”

Word.

“We aren’t looking for a vampire in the supernatural sense.”

Well, no, because they don’t exist. Dummies.

Yikes, this profile makes me want to run and hide under my bed from things that go byump.

Something is wrong with Dante. Yeesh.

So the girlie they found was the waitress from last night? Damn.

Ha. They’re onto the fucker.

“Speak to me, vision.”

Love you.

“Dante? The vampire guy? I was just about to call you.”

What?

“You know him?”

“He’s the one thing all of our victims have in common.”

Frack.

“What do you mean?”

“They worship him. They’re obsessed with his music.”

Ew.

“We need to talk to this Dante guy.”

They want an address. But he’s a celebrity.

But my baby girl is a tech goddess, so don’t mess with her. Cuz she found him in a heartbeat.

And his name is Paul Davies. Ew.

“Run him for a criminal record, too.”

“You got it.”

“Thanks PG.”

Ha, now I finally know that the nickname is cannon. I was reading fanfiction a bit before starting this thing … naughty me.

“I’d hate to think what she could find out about me.”

“Oh, I prefer not even to consider it.”

XDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

So they’re driving up big ass fancy houses. Okay.

And this fuckhole lives in a freaking big ass place. Nice.

“Sir, would you mind coming in to answer a few questions?”

Wait. What?

“Prentiss, what are you doing?”

“That car is Erin Hickman’s car.”

Fuck.

Shit. The media is all over it. Fuck.

Crap.

“Back off!”

Damn. That’s unsettling.

God, it’s so weird seeing them uncomfortable with the media.

Rossi taking over the media. Prentiss asking if he’ll be okay.

“He’s got a gun. Keep moving.”

Ha.

So they’re certain they got the guy, but they’re shocked it’s  not fitting the profile? It’’s probably not Dante, dudes.

Frack. Derek is sending Prentiss in? Damn.

“So, what did you tell the press?”

“My official statement was that I hate Los Angeles.”

Only Rossi can pull that off.

“Ask him for his autograph.”

Prentiss laughs.

Shemar eyebrow dancing time.

Oh wait, the written message thingy … right.

Smart puppy.

I actually burst out laughing at this one.

“I’m a big fan.”

Oh she’s good.

So it’s not the guy? Okay.

Wrong turn.

“The possible suspect’s some sort of rock and roll star.”

So weird to hear him say this.

Wait. The saliva’s from a woman? What the fuck?

“A woman. That’s incredibly rare.”

Why?

Oh. So the aggression doesn’t fit a woman.

Sweetie, you don’t know us.

“Our profiles have never been this far off, Reid. Go back and work it with a woman, see if there’s anything we may have missed.”

Back to the board, poodle.

Wait. He’s in the police station with the FBI, and his manager tells him not to worry? I’d worry.

If it were a good friend of mine, I’d worry the fuck out of myself.

Wait. The fucker is behind this? I knew something was off about this loser.

Uh oh, my cinnamon roll on her own. Uh oh.

Hey! Why is that loser hitting my baby? NOT NICE!

“What kind of fan mail do you get, Mr. Vampire?”

Ha. I love her hair.

Contemplative poodle.

“Oh no.”

You know when Reid says that, it’s definitely not good.

“I found fan mail to Dante. Vampire fan mail. It’s bananas.”

“Obsessional?”

“Add infinitum and beyond.”

Lol.

Reid and Garcia have found her. Boom.

“They got an address?”

“Yeah, I think JJ’s there right now.”

Get the fuck out there and save her.

Fuck. JJ isn’t answering.

“Keep trying.”

Damn straight.

Shit. That manager sucks.

Yes! JJ got him! Fuck you.

Ugh. They finally got him. Shit.

Oh honey, you brave little cinnamon roll.

“Are you okay?”

I love it that she’s the only mother on board, and everyone’s mothering her XD

“I feel so bad I didn’t go with you to interview Gina.”

Oh honey.

Aw, poodle blaming himself. Don’t do it.

“Still, it never ceases to amaze me how dark obsession can get.”

“And with a pop star? I mean, I was obsessed with the rat pack, but I wouldn’t have killed for Frank or Dean.”

“No, you just drank whiskey and smoked cigars.”

HOTCH!

“This from the man who’s favorite record is the Beatles’ White Album?”

And what’s wrong with that?

Old people banter XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

“Just because Manson hijacked it doesn’t have to ruin it for the rest of us.”

Exactly.

“That’s why I stick to Beethoven. There’s no chance of guilt by association.”

“Yeah. Have you ever seen a move called ‘A Clockwork Orange’?”

*shakes head no*

Oh my innocent poodle.

I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cyril Connolly: “Better to write for yourself and have no public than to write for the public and have no self.”

Wow. So profound. My god.

Oh god, I needed this episode. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the whole blood thing is definitely creepy and gross and all seven kinds of ways messed up i the fucking head. But I loved it, because it was clearly a filler episode designed to alleviate the situation and interspersed with so much contemporary (relative to 2009-2010) pop culture references and humor, I absolutely love it! And that closing scene, AWESOME!

Can’t wait to see what’s next. But that will have to wait for tomorrow morning, before work. Cuz it’s nearing ten. And I want to catch as many z’s as possible before the week, cuz I’m back to working five days a week. Yeesh.

Again, thank you all for the amazing support. Love you! <3

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Criminal Minds s02e15 Revelations review - or more aptly named, I am going to fucking kill them I cannot handle the emotional roller coaster they’re putting me through. Someone please get me a life-supply of Kleenex for Thanksgiving, or I won’t survive this.

Episode 15 – Revelations

Hey guys. Umm, okay. I don’t know how to preface this review, like at all. My mind is still spinning over the fact that they fucking thought it was okay for them to abduct Reid and just leave a cliff hanger like that and that I won’t want to murder them. Or rather, take a time machine back to 2006 and kill them, which ever floats your damn boat. But seriously, I’m so damn excited to see van der Beek as a serial killer. As horrible as it sounds. He’s a damn good actor. Fuck.

Okay, let’s see what happens.

Okay, that music is so inappropriate to the situation, guys. It’s like this awful club music when they’re actually supposed to be looking for Reid and JJ, come on guys!

Whoa, is that dog dead? Did JJ kill those doggies? Damn! Whoa, JJ is crazy af! Fuck!

Girl, where is Reid?

Wait, what? You just said that so nonchalantly. Come on, girl! Reid is only 25! What the fuck is wrong with youJ?

Oh shit. Hankle abducted Reid. What? No! My baby is unconscious! No!

Good. They found him. God, I hope they find him soon.

Oh shit, this Hankle is too smart and too demented. Fuck.

So he asked for directions, and then goes in the opposite direction. Oh my god.

I hate that kid’s daddy. He’s awful.

Oh god, oh god. At least he’s alive. Fuck. Oh my god.

Ew. That is so gross, oh my god. I don’t even understand what he said, but I really don’t care, that is nasty.

Oh god, Toby is one sick fucker.

Oh god, Spencer is so scared, I love him. I want to protect him forever. Fuck.

Ecclesiastes 7:20: “There is not a righteous man on Earth who does what is right and never sins.” Wow, that is one powerful quote. And true.

Aww, mussed and tired Penelope is the cutest ever.

“You know they do have hotels in Georgia.” Oh honey.

“Think of the house as a witness. It if could talk, what it would tell us?” “My guess is it would tell us to get the hell out.” Wow, that was deep. LOL I love Penelope so much.

Oh god, he’s so good he’s covered his tracks so even Penelope can’t dig around to find out about him?

Wait. What? Reid is my innocent little lady bug. He hasn’t done anything wrong ever. Come on.

So Hankle is crazy enough that he thinks that Spencer is evil, which he is absolutely not and I cannot believe I am forcing myself to watch this asshole (and I love James van der Beek, I do!) torture my Gubler, and it’s not fair.

Oh god, this is painful.

Lines? He’s been told to do lines. “Honora partum tuum. Honor thy father.” Fuck.

Hey! Chill, JJ! The dogs are scary, but they’re dogs. Come on, what could be so bad?

Oh, it’s her first time getting on the field in this intense way. Damn.

Why isn’t Emily flinching the slightest at being in the field and seeing those horrors? They’re right.

So they found an underground lair. Ugh.

Crap. That’s Tobias’s dad. He’s frozen and dead. Did Toby kill him? Crap.

Did he hunt? Gross. That’s nasty.

Wait, so now Tobias is himself? Oh god. So Tobias is the good kid, and “Raphael” is Charles, the crazy loony daddy. Fuck.

He’s drugging Spencer? What the fuck is he doing to him? What the fuck is wrong with you? Leave Spencer alone!

So Spencer witnessed his dad leaving him and his mom? Oh my god. His dad is one coward asshole. God.

Dilaudid? Fuck. That’s drugstore heroin. Damn.

He murdered his father, and good for him? Yeah, that sounds right.

Yup. He has a split personality disorder where he took on his daddy’s personality, and he wrote the journal as his dad, but then wrote the other as himself. Fuck.

Raphael is a mediator? He has a third personality? Fuck.

“The system was set up 3 months ago. Dad was already dead.” “I know that, smarty-pants, but do it for your boy anyway, all right?” Oh my god, finally some funny stuff in this never-ending crap of sadness. Fuck.

What the fuck?

Oh my god, I can’t watch this. They’re torturing my baby. Come on. Why are you filming him, you asshole?

What the heck happened?

Oh my god. They have a feed of Reid. Shit. Oh my goodness gracious.

Shit.

“I’m gonna put this guy’s head on a stick.” I’m with you, Derek. I love your protective side, now get Reid home safely. Jesus fucking Christ.

Bam. Hankle gave himself away. Now Spencer knows the team is watching. I saw it in his eyes. Oh my brave little poodle.

Oh shit. So for the part of who gets to die, he shut the feed off. Damn. He’s too smart. Fuck.

Shit. Shit. Oh my god, that is just so dang awful. My poor poodle!

I love you Gideon, thank goodness for leaving a message of encouragement for our poodle.

So now JJ is blaming herself for splitting up with Reid. Damn. Derek isn’t blaming her, but he’s determined on finding Reid, god I love that character they’ve created. Damn.

Oh god. Tobias is so far gone. I can’t stand it. My poodle. My pretty little poodle. Be strong, baby. Gideon and Morgan are coming.

Aww, Jane, I love you so much!!!!! It’s like Reid is convincing her to get out of bed, and she’s like, let me rest, let me read, and I’m all – I’m with you, you lovely lady.

JJ, what is up with you? Don’t snap at my goddess! I know you’re blaming yourself, but don’t do this to yourself. Come on.

“If you stop being affected by things, you … lose parts of yourself, you know?” oh my god, that is one of the most powerful things to ever have been said in this series. I love Penelope Garcia so fucking much.

“So remove it.” “It’s the internet, sir. Once something’s out there, you can never take it back.” So true, yet so sad.

Okay, good. Send it out that it’s a virus and everyone will go off. I love you, Penelope.

Oh god. Oh god. I can’t watch him beating up my poodle. I can’t.

Oh my puppies, I’m so sorry you have to watch this, Penelope. Oh my god. Oh my god. He’s choking on himself. Oh my god.

Oh my god, Matthew is one of the greatest actors I’ve ever seen, holy shit, I’m beyond impressed and horrified.

Also, van der Beek is good.

So now Tobias is going to try and save him? Please. Please save my poodle.

Oh thank god.

Bam. Thank god. They got a lockdown.

Wait. So Tobias is so far off the deep end, he’s convinced that he’s Raphael is Revelations? So he thinks the BAU team are the seven angels of death? Fuck. So now he’s making Reid choose one of them to die? No. uh-uh.

Come on, dude.

Oh god. He’s pointing a loaded gun at him. Shit.

Just say a fucking name. Come on.

Why would he name Hotch? There must be a reason! Come on!

What the fuck? Did he just quote Genesis to explain Hotch as a narcissist? What’s going on? That’s the opposite of Hotch.

Wait. Did Reid just purposely misquote the verse at Tobias, knowing that he’s too far gone, so that Hotchner would recognize it as a fake and know it’s a clue? Oh my god, my poodle is amazing.

Bam. He’s in a cemetery. Come on.

Oh god, now he’s remembering the day he came to collect his mother to the nuthouse. Oh my god, my poodle, I get it, but you can’t do it to your mom. Oh you poor thing.

Oh Jane Lynch, you perfect lady, I love you beyond measure.

What? He made him quote a sentence that means that because he put his mom in a mental facility, he ought to die, and therefore he’s going to make him dig his own grave? Oh hell no. Please, please, someone come and save my poodle.

Oh thank fuck.

Come on! They’re outside! Go outside!

Come on, Derek, Jason, come on.

Yes!

Yes!

He got Tobias! Finally!

Fuck. My poor poodle survived, thank fuck.

Oh god, I’m so thankful those guys are so amazing. My perfect team of superheroes. Oh my god. That was so hard for me to watch. Fuck.

Oh my god, the one thing that can break me, the one fucking thing. Tears in my favorite actors’ eyes – shit, Shemar, why????? Oh god, why can’t you let me survive this without breaking down? Assholes!

Wait. Why does he want to be alone there?

Oh honey. Oh Reid. No. He wants to remember his childhood so he takes the dilaudid? Oh honey, no. you don’t need those. Come on.

 Okay. So they found Reid. Thank god. This episode was one big kick in all of my poodle (that’s my new nickname for Reid) feels and just left me so emotionally vulnerable that it’s not fair in the slightest. Absolutely not.

But form a completely objective point of view, this was genius, James van der Beek was INCREDIBLE! I can’t stress this enough. This is seriously amazing work. And Matthew just proved himself to be beyond brilliant, I’m just slack-jawed with how much emotion that little fucker generated in me that I’m astonished.

Loved those two episodes (both The Big Game and Revelations) and cannot wait to see what else those assholes who love to play with my emotions have in store for the rest of the season.

See you all next time. <3