#Telling my amygdala to get in the backseat

[copingintheghetto]

Google voice typing trial run

I haven't written anything for a while. I am trying to form good habits and be consistent in just about everything in my life because that's a big problem for me. And I don't think my therapist can help me with this as my psychiatrist NP suggested.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is this the name I have and coping in the ghetto is- I don't know what these words mean as of February 28th 2024.

I need to change the word ghetto because I do not live in the ghetto anymore. I know where that is in this medium sized city, which is the capital of the state.

It's a place that is depressing to me because it reminds me of where I was and I worry that things will go badly and I'll lose my little home that I love and be walking the streets looking for anything and everything. I worry about losing my sources of income because I'm not good enough at my job according to my coaches. Even so, I think I'm a good employee that works my ass off. My homework assignment is to ask a coach for a minute of their time and read from a piece of paper that I will have written ahead of time addressing all of the things that I need to communicate. Then we'll be on the same page and a weight will be lifted off my shoulders. I will try to do this today. I have already talked to HR and she was really nice. She said she would be a mediator between me and the coaches and the leads nothing has ever come of that. Sometimes I wonder if they are treating me differently because of what she told them. Because I'm not expected to do as much as the other people. I mean new people are doing what I don't do. I've told them that I can do things if they're written down and I can see. But they don't seem to have time to let me write things down. So the solution will be to find a lesson on their learning platform while I'm clocked in before I start working and take notes. Then go up to them and say, "hey I got this written down here and I can do it now if you want me to."

What angers me is that I have carpal tunnel syndrome now because of my hard work there and my knee is messed up now as well. I'll see you doctor next week.

Then there's the anxiety about having to pay social security back around $5,000 since I went over the SGA amount beginning in November. I thought things that were incorrect, and now I know that I should have called them and asked about working full-time before I did so. It was awful for my mental and physical health by the way. The good thing is I gave them my wage information and now I'm just waiting for a caseworker to call me back.

If I do owe all of my savings, then that is just what will happen. The next step would be to save money again. And that's all there is to that.

The other thing is my psychiatrist NP who is now telling me to taper off of pregabalin and just take gabapentin, which is what I'm taking for my nerve pain in my wrist. I told her Gabapentin does not work for anxiety- that I've tried it. She ignored me and continued with her expert thoughts. I think the pregabalin shows promise. I just haven't figured out the right dose. But I am scared of talking to her about that.

The hand surgeon told me that he doesn't put people on Gabapentin long term. That if the pain gets bad, then surgery is an option. By the way, he gave me a steroid injection and I think it's helped but I'm not sure. He said it could help for months .

Back to NP. ... then the solution- if she's not willing to respect my wishes (my bodily autonomy?)- will be to find a different psychiatrist.

Unfortunately, they're pretty much all the same though. Perhaps 1 in 30 might prove helpful. But there's no law that says you have to stay with your provider. You can always seek another one.

Besides being consistent with things and writing things down before I tap on someone's shoulder to communicate, I have to figure out how to stop this compulsive talking I do all day at home.

A lot of it is just because I'm lonely and have no one to talk to. I crave human connection. Not with just anyone, of course. My own company is better than Bad Company. I wonder what the band Bad Company were thinking when they came up with that name.

I am not making an effort in this department though, so I can change that when I'm ready.

But how do I stop the talking? It wastes hours of my day every day. I apologize to my cat for not playing with her. I feel horrible. So, in order to decrease the chances of my ending up in a scary place with scary people trying to take advantage of me and succeeding, I have got to use my powerful amazing brain to make use of my precious time when I'm not at work.

Okay this should be the end of this Google Voice typing test. I think it works rather well so I'll continue to use it. This would be the beginning of another one.

Taking action. Cognitive behavioral therapy for me and you. No, the following is not something I came up with. Do I have to mention the source? I'll throw caution to the wind. This is from stuff I bought way over 10 years ago. It was expensive for me by the way, lol.

Lesson 1.

Anxiety: Symptoms, Causes, and Common Fears.

1. Notice personality traits that encourage anxiety.

2. Begin to appreciate the positive side of your personality.

3. You can change the way you think.

4. Begin making behavior changes.

5. Begin journaling.

6. Slow down in all ways.

7. Begin an exercise routine and reduce caffeine.

8. Recovery is a gradual process.

9. Use relaxation audio session three times daily.

10. Listen to your inner dialogue. Respectful? Kind?

"Your history does not have to be your future."

To be continued.

[amydancepants-peralta]

first lines meme

Guidelines: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have fewer than 20, just list them all.) Choose your favourite opening line, tag some friends!

Tagged by: @amyscascadingtabs​ 💕

Tagging: insert your name here 😚

Favourite Line: I think perhaps the nod to snorking in cake in bed? felt like a nice throwback to where it all began.

(putting this under the cut as it feels ... long?  I guess I like a long beginning 😌)

let down your guard: There are a collection of nuclei in the temporal lobe of the brain known as the amygdala, that are best known for their role in sparking the fight or flight reaction in most people when met with emotions like fear.

cake in bed: As a cab pulls away from the curb outside Shaw’s on the evening of May 15th, it’s two passengers are so occupied with a healthy dose of backseat snorking - floating in the afterglow of their day - that it takes a newly wed Amy Santiago a full two blocks to even attempt to break away from her husband (husband!)’s pillow-soft kiss. 

hooked on you: “Ohh, mama … tell me more, babe.”

all the lights are shining (so brightly everywhere): Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la lah, la la lah lahhh …

from the bottom of my heart:  For a detective that had - a mere five hours ago - participated in the takedown of one of Brooklyn’s most notorious killers, Jake Peralta knows that he is feeling way too nervous about the tiny parcel that is currently sitting inconspicuously on his kitchen counter.  

to be loved by you: It’s a secret to absolutely no-one that Amy Santiago is the kind of woman that likes to excel in any skillset.

everything comes back to you: Jake’s eyes squeeze shut as he follows Amy’s descent into his couch below, ignoring the scratchy crumbs of yesterday’s breakfast and sliding his fingers into her hair, deepening the kiss he’d initiated only seconds earlier.

(maybe this time) I've hit a home run: “Okay, so run me through this one more time.”

the 5 times Jake & Amy try to get some alone time (etc): “Thought I might find you here.”

I will be the one who loves you (til the end of time): The blissful aroma of freshly brewed coffee fills Jake Peralta’s senses as he takes a much-needed sip, his feet shuffling uncomfortably in front of the plastic stand as he waits semi-patiently for Amy to make a decision.  

untouched:  He waits until she’s well into reciting the third paragraph of Subsection Eight before running his thumb over the button in his pocket, pressing once to keep the device at its lowest speed. 

the day you went away: The burning wick of one of Amy’s favourite candles crackles softly from its position perched along the end of her bathtub, the familiar scent of fig and papaya mixing with the peppery hints of her red wine as she slowly tips the glass towards her mouth.  

the shape of you: With her fingers gripped around the base of a washcloth Amy Santiago wipes her bathroom mirror clear of all remaining condensation, casting a discerning eye over the reflection that stares back at her as she drops the towel into the nearby hamper. 

boom, clap: It’s the steady roar from a shot of thunder that pulls Amy Santiago from her slumber that Thursday evening, her eyelids putting up a lazy fight against returning to sleep as she listens to the thunder’s reverberations coarse through the oft-unused metal of the fire escape outside. 

in the light of day:  There’s barely any light creeping across the floorboards when an only slightly hungover Amy Santiago opens her eyes, the dull lighting working in her favour as the effects of last night’s shots rush straight to her head.

love, in full colour: Today was turning out to be a pretty great Sunday for Amy, as she stretches her legs out on her boyfriend Jake’s surprisingly comfortable couch and presses play on the documentary he had so sweetly recorded for her.

a pretty good day: The sun feels warm on Amy’s skin, and as a refreshingly cool breeze rushes through her hair she finds it next to impossible not to break out into a grin.

love, period.: The first thing Jake notices is the empty tampon packaging in the trash can in their bathroom, the blue cardboard sticking out amongst the tissues as he discards the last of his contact solution.  

crash into you: Series 3 of her favourite podcast, Lingthusiasm, is playing at just the right decibel through Amy Santiago’s earphones as she diverts her Thursday afternoon walk to a soft patch of grass, in order stretch out her aching muscles.

love is a battlefield: Jake can feel his heartbeat turn erratic as he assesses the situation unfolding before him, resting his weight against the wall behind in an attempt to tamper down his excitement.