#Taesan angst

[starrihan]

My Youth is Free - Toxic! Boynextdoor Break Up Scenarios

-> Pairing: afab! Reader x toxic! Boynextdoor

-> Plot: toxic breakup scenarios for each of the members

-> Genre: angst, suggestive (only some, not WH), Sungho and riwoo are misogynistic and controlling, riwoo is a manipulator, Taesan is really cold, anger issues in woonhak’s, fwb! Leehan, Leehan and Taesan are assholes, reader is blunt and swears a lot, use of real names (Sanghyeok, Dongmin, and Donghyun)

-> Warnings: misogyny, swearing

-> Word Count: 5,935 (~800-1200 words per member)

-> Notes: toxic bnd is all that’s been on my mind recently but let me know if you would like a part 2 where they make up with reader 🤭

-> Side Note: I get a lot of my inspirations from songs (like 1 or 2 lines from a song) and obviously 20 was the inspiration for this one but I always forget to link the song in case someone doesn’t know it 🤦🏽‍♀️ so here is a little edit with the song added anyways enjoy reading~ 😚

༄ ༄ ༄

Sungho:

He couldn't stand the thought of you getting closer to your male coworker. You had recently gotten a new job that required you to work a little later than he did. Sometimes you’d have so much work to do that you’d bring it home to work on, not having had enough time during the workday to get important documents and files finished before their deadline. When you told him that you would be working on a project with a male coworker he was supportive, at first. Of course you guys had total trust in each other, so he didn’t mind you needing to stay later in the office to work with him. But even after your joint project was over, you would still hang out regularly amongst other coworkers. This is what got under his skin.

“You know he wants you, right?”

“Sungho, please. We’re going out with a couple of friends too. I only mentioned his name because you’ve met him before.”

“And the whole time we hung out he was eyeing you down like a piece of candy. C’mon Y/N, seriously? The only reason a guy would hang out with a group of girls is because he wants one of them. You told me that he doesn’t really know the other girls so he’s only going out because you’re there.”

“Yeah, because I’m introducing him to them. I’m the department head so he worked with me but he should know the other people in my department if we’re going to be working together.”

“Im just saying, why would he hang out with you if he didn’t like you?”

“Excuse me? You don’t think I’m fun or interesting enough to hang out with a guy? You think men would only hang out with me because they want to sleep with me?”

“Baby, that’s not what I meant I–”

“Save it. I’m leaving. I’ll be back by 11.”

That was the first conversation of many that led to the break up. It got to a point where you would tell him you were going out and he’d automatically assume you were hanging out with the coworker, throwing a snarky, “don’t come back if you smell like him,” at you before you bitterly slam the door in his face. Until one night you had a work party and you didn’t invite Sungho to come with you, not even mentioning it to him. He only found out because your friends had posted about it.

“So were you ever going to tell me about this? Why didn’t you invite me to come with you?”

Sungho shows you his phone screen with your friend’s post before slamming it on the table. 

“You’ve been so insufferable and insecure whenever I bring up anything work-related. If I invited you out tonight you would’ve punched the guy in the face when you saw him.”

“And why is that so bad, huh, Y/N? You don’t want me to punch your boy toy now?”

“PARK SUNGHO HE IS NOT MY BOY TOY AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEAK TO ME THAT WAY, UNDERSTOOD?”

You angrily throw down your stuff, marching up to him. 

“I haven’t done anything. He hasn’t done anything. WE haven’t done anything so why can't you believe me and move on from the fact that I have a male friend? Are you that insecure about me leaving you when I’ve never done anything to betray your trust? Do I mean that little to you that you won't even give me the benefit of the doubt?”

Tears are slowly making their way down your face as you try to wipe them away before smudging your makeup. His expression softens, not realizing how far he’d let his jealousy come.

“Y/N I–”

“Save it, Sungho. You clearly don’t respect me or trust me. I’ll be back later to get some of my things. I’ll stay with my parents until you can figure your shit out. Call me when you’ve gotten some sense back.”

Anger, shock, disbelief. Sungho couldn’t believe that he had let this get so out of hand. Why was he so jealous in the first place? You guys still hung out and had dates every week and you were right; you never gave him any reason to doubt your loyalty to him. 

He’d spend the next few days figuring out what it is he wants but more than that, he just wanted to give you your space. You didn’t want to leave so abruptly like that, but his toxic behaviors were driving you mad. Every time he’d spew some bullshit about you and your coworker you’d want to punch him in the face. You needed to give Sungho the time and space to figure out what his problem was, but more than anything you just wanted to be back in his arms. 

༄ ༄ ༄

Riwoo:

When you first met Riwoo, it took him some time to get used to your bubbly and outgoing personality. You loved being out and having fun and partying, while he preferred to stay at home. It never bothered you that he didn’t always want to go out with you and it never bothered him that you would always want to go out. It would cause some small tiffs between you two about where date night would take place that week, but other than that, there were no issues with your opposing lifestyles. But somewhere along the way, his attitude about your friends and your constant outings had changed. He would fight it more often, using lame excuses that you would take to avoid any more fighting. 

“I heard you’re going out with her (your friend) tonight?”

“Oh yeah, she invited me out after an argument she had with her boyfriend. We’re just going to the food stands so she can vent, nothing crazy.”

“Well, I heard she got into a fight with him because she was showing herself off to other men?”

“I mean, it is summer and she was at the beach? It’s not like she was 'showing herself off to other men,' she just wanted to wear a swimsuit. But apparently there's more to it she’s going to tell me about tonight.”

You were a little taken aback at his statement, not having expected him to find a problem with a woman wearing a bathing suit or moreso, using such a demeaning phrase against another woman, especially at the insinuation of wanting another man’s attention. 

He just rolled his eyes and you both awkwardly sat there, until you broke the silence, telling him that you'd be leaving now and that you'd be back later. 

Letting the rest of the evening play out, you came back with food for Riwoo, hoping that whatever he was saying earlier was just a result of him being hungry or having an off day and you knew food always made him feel better. 

“Honey! I brought you some food!”

You expect him to come running like he usually does when you bring home food, but this time he just walks up to you, phone in hand. 

“Thank you baby.”

He sits down and starts eating, waiting for you to tell him about your day.

“Okay so, apparently they’ve been having these issues for a while and this isn’t the first time he’s made some comment about her revealing her body or wearing revealing clothes. Just today he told her that she couldn’t wear jean shorts to meet up with me. Like it's 90 degrees out, what did he want her to wear, fluffy pajama pants?”

“I’m sure he has his reasons for not wanting her to wear revealing clothes in public? Why doesn’t she just respect his wishes?”

“Because he doesn’t have control over what she wears and how she wants to show off her own body? Yeah they’re dating but it’s not like she’s his to claim or anything.”

“Are you sure you should be friends with someone that doesn’t at least try to hear their boyfriend out?”

“Sanghyeok, what the hell are you talking about? What’s gotten into you? Why are you acting like this?”

“Like what? I just mean that I wouldn’t want you to be around people that don’t respect what others say. Who knows? Maybe she’ll start ignoring what you say and just move on to something else. She’s making a big deal over one thing so what if you get into an argument one day and she stops being your friend? I wouldn't want that happening to you.”

He rubs your arm up and down, trying to get you to understand his point of view but you move away from his touch. 

“I don’t know why you're talking like that, but I don’t like it.”

You walk away from him, but something in your mind starts reconsidering your entire friendship with your best friend. Was she really so bad for not respecting her boyfriend's wishes over her clothes? 

A few more instances arise where Riwoo tries to nicely reason with you on who you can and can’t hang out with, saying things like “I don’t want you to get hurt,” or “I don’t think you should wear that, the men around you might get the wrong idea.” And you slowly found yourself listening to him, so much so to the point where you didn’t have anyone left to hang out with besides him. 

You spent days at home, your bright personality dimmed from not having any social interaction outside of your boyfriend. It wasn’t until you got a message from one of your friends, reaching out after you had made an excuse that Riwoo gave you to not hang out with her. It clicked in your brain that your friends had done nothing wrong. It was actually him that was the problem. 

“Hey baby, ready for movie night?” 

“No, I’m not.” 

You stood up from your little blanket cocoon ready to confront him. 

“You know what I realized? This whole time, you telling me not to hang out with this person or that doing this is wrong, even telling me what I can and can’t wear? You were just manipulating me this whole time. Why? You don’t think I should do things on my own?” 

“Baby, I wasn’t manipulating you I—“

“Do NOT call me baby, you have no right. You don’t care for me and you don’t even love me. If you did you would let me be myself and not this shell of the person I once used to be. If you don’t like how I am then why have we been together this long?” 

“Y/N, I was just looking out for you that’s it.” 

“Well you can stop looking out for me, we’re done.” 

You decide then to leave him, packing your things without turning back. He can tell he’s taken it too far. He was too selfish wanting you all for himself. You deserved happiness and you weren’t going to find that with him. 

༄ ༄ ༄

Jaehyun:

The textbook definition of a workaholic. Jaehyun had expressed to you before how important his career as an idol was and that if you couldn’t handle days without seeing him or barely seeing him at all, then a relationship wasn’t the best idea. But you of course, in the optimistic honeymoon phase, denied the hardships of being in a relationship with an idol and agreed to date him anyways. Love was enough, right? 

At first, things were great. It was hard, admittedly, having to hide yourself whenever you walked into the building and even from the staff for a while, only being able to meet him in empty conference rooms after somehow managing to sneak up there by yourself. But slowly his members and staff found out and you were in the clear to freely be around each other during his practices. You even brought snacks and lunch for everyone on occasion. But you also working meant that you didn’t get to see each other much. Though this is what you had anticipated, you didn’t think it was going to be as hard as it was. 

Jaehyun would be busy hosting or in variety shows or interviews in the morning and then spend the rest of his day at the practice room or the studio. He was allowed to be over at your apartment but even then it was hard only being able to sleep next to him for a couple hours since he would be too tired to engage in anything other than a short conversation whenever he came home. He would always try to call and talk but even that got redundant since he was always so busy. 

The lack of physical contact and barely any contact at all was starting to put a strain on your relationship. You would constantly try to get him to rest or stop working but he would insist that his work was too important to stop, often insinuating that it was more important than you.

You would try to visit him whenever possible but it always felt like you were always putting more effort to see him than he would to see you. It all came to a head when he was able to get a day off. The whole group was given time off after nonstop preparations for award shows and their upcoming tours. You were finally able to get your hands on him, innocently and not so much. The night he came home was great, filled with love and passion and all the pent up emotions from the months of strain you had endured. But the next day didn’t hold the same feelings. 

Waking up to each other was all that you had asked for since the beginning of your relationship. You’d usually find yourself asleep when he came home and then he’d be gone by the time you woke up. An endless cycle of just barely missing each other was halted for just a day. Assuming that you’d be in his arms the rest of the day, you let him sleep in as you shower and work on breakfast for the both of you, taking your time. 

“Good morning baby, it smells amazing in here.” 

The cliché back hug while you cooked up eggs was exactly what you had pictured, never wanting this moment to end. After eating you let him rest while you cleaned up a little bit. Once you were done, you were slightly disappointed to have found him in the room playing online games with Donghyun and Sungho.

“Hey baby. I thought we were going to hang out today?” 

You say, all cute and pouty. 

“I know, baby. I’m only gonna play a couple rounds with them and then I’m all yours, okay?” 

He gives you a quick kiss before going back to his game, focus completely shifting as he tried to recover from his last death. You sigh as you walk away. You didn’t want to sound commanding and needy but you’ve barely seen him and wanted to hang out with him. 

You kill time by watching shows on Netflix. One hour turns into two and two turns into 4 as he emerges from the room, a disappointed look on his face. Upon hearing the bedroom door open, you turn back to see him. 

“I have some bad news…” 

“Oh no, Jaehyun, what is it?” 

“They called me into the studio just now. Apparently something happened to the usb drive that had a bunch of pre-released tracks on them and they want to see if I can save them.” 

You look at him in disbelief, tears welling up in your eyes. Voice broken, you respond,

“C-can’t they call a computer technician or something? Why are they having you go? Do you know how to retrieve the files?”

“Well no but—“ 

“So why do you have to go then?” 

“Y/N…” 

He comes closer, giving you a hug as you let your tears stream down your face and into his shirt. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t just not go.” 

You didn’t want to sound rude or ungrateful, but you couldn’t let your anger build up any longer. 

“You just HAD to play games with Donghyun and Sungho huh? Instead of spending time with me.” 

You pull away from him, eyes red and angry as tears continue to spill from your eyes and voice cracking in rage. 

“They wanted to hop on for a bit and wanted me to join them…” 

“You see them EVERYDAY!! I’ve barely seen you because your work is SO important, more important than me and then the ONE day you have off, you choose to spend half the day with the people you see LITERALLY everyday and now you’re coming out here telling me that you have to go BACK to work??? Jaehyun I don’t know how much more of this I can take…” 

Tears are slipping down his cheeks as his voice starts to break at his next words, 

“Baby I told you that it was going to be hard and that my work is so important. You know I cant say no to them.”

“So you’re choosing work again over me? Just like how you chose your friends over me? And like how you choose everything else in your life over me? Alright, that’s fine.” 

You wipe your tears as the sadness dissipates and is replaced by anger. You have no words left to say as you try to walk past him, his hand grabbing your wrist delicately stopping you from walking away. 

“Y/N please, that’s not fair. I’m so sorry. You’re so important to me and I know this is hard but can we talk about this when I get back?” 

“I’ve given you plenty of chances Jaehyun. You always refuse my help, refuse my offer when I tell you to rest or spend time with me. I have nothing left to say to you.” 

You harshly pull your hand away from his grip, closing and locking the bedroom door as Jaehyun gathers himself, washing his face before grabbing his things and heading out to the studio. Maybe love wasn’t enough. 

༄ ༄ ༄

Taesan: 

Taesan was good at everything. Almost. He was smart, always got good grades and he was very musically talented. He could sing, rap, dance and even play the piano. He was also very determined, attending both college and dance/ singing practices at his entertainment company, KOZ. You knew he was very busy but you shared similar classes and would always pair up together for projects or assignments so not being able to see each other was never an issue. The problems arose when he was stressed beyond belief. 

He seemed very chill and nonchalant to strangers, not really showing his mischievous yet funny personality. But you knew him as the fun, lovable, fake emo that was surprisingly affectionate and loved giving you cute couple gifts, like the guitar heart keychain on your bag. But when he was stressed, it was like he shut the rest of the world out, including you. At first you thought he just didn’t know how to manage that much stress yet and would cut him some slack, letting him figure things out on his own. But when his behaviors under said stress persisted even after a couple months of dating, you were starting to get sick of it. 

He was good at everything, except telling you how he was feeling. He would text you normally one day and then go no contact for multiple days, even avoiding you during classes. It would irk you the most when you’d see him hanging out with his friends right in front of your face, acting like everything was fine and then ignoring you. Finally fed up with all his antics you waited again until he hit another no contact stress period to confront him. 

You both had a big exam coming up. Exams in this class were 20% of your grade, each, so you knew he would be stressed trying to juggle studying and practice. Like you predicted, a week before the exam he stopped messaging you. He didn’t even sit next to you in class, choosing to sit by himself in the corner of the lecture hall, face buried in his laptop and notes. You would find him later in the day at the student center, talking and laughing with his friends, still not having received even a single text from him for the last few days. You decided to take pictures of him with his friends, keeping it as evidence if he tried to deny your accusations. You waited until after the exam was over to message him, “let’s hang out today! I miss you :(,” hoping that your fake excitement was conveyed through the message. You weren’t surprised to see that he had messaged you back after, simply replying with “sure,” which made you even angrier. No talking for a week and the only thing he says back to you is “sure?” 

You’re with him in a solo practice room, the small space covered in mirrors on two sides a little claustrophobic for you. 

“Dongmin, we need to talk.” 

His sigh indicated to you that he knew what you wanted to talk about. 

“Alright, let’s get this over with.” 

His attitude was already bad, pissing you off even more. 

“Let’s get this over with? Why are you acting like this is such a burden on you? Ignoring me, your girlfriend, for a week because you’re stressed studying for an exam and being here at practice but you can hang out with your friends no problem?” 

“Y/N you’re being ridiculous I wasn’t hanging out with my friends and I have been stressed, you know that.” 

“Oh really?” 

You scoff, pulling up the picture of him laughing with a couple of his friends, the date being that of 2 days ago. His face doesn’t change, if anything he looks more uninterested than when the conversation started, not even caring that he was caught in his lie. 

“You’re really gonna stand here and tell me that you haven’t been hanging out with your friends all week when you have? Why can’t you just tell me why you don’t message me, why you ignore me whenever you have too much on your plate. All I ask is that you communicate but you never do!” 

“You’re just too much to deal with.” 

That one sentence shut you up, tears on the brink of falling from your eyes. You couldn’t believe what you were hearing. 

“What?” 

“Recently you’ve been too much to deal with. Especially when I’m stressed. I can’t handle you and all my work and practice all together. And you know I’m not good at communicating. I don’t like to talk about my feelings.” 

It was the way that he had no emotion behind his sentences that made the lump in your throat even bigger. When did he stop caring about you? When did he stop loving you?

“Where is all this coming from? I thought everything was fine? You always acted normal after your little ghosting.” 

“You never saw that as a problem? That I would ghost you and pretend that everything was fine after? At first I was just learning how to juggle everything at once. But after a while, I started to get tired of this. I guess I just didn’t know how to say it.” 

He was so cold about it that you didn’t know how to react. Heart broken into a million pieces, you couldn’t believe what you were hearing. 

“You should’ve told me a while ago. Before things got this far. It’s been 8 months and you couldn’t tell me that you didn’t want to be together?” 

“Sorry. Like I said, I don’t talk about my feelings or emotions. You should’ve known that.” 

You couldn’t stand to be in that suffocating room with him any longer, shoving him out of the way as you bolt out the door, tears falling haphazardly as you exit the building. You were so lost, so hurt that he was feeling this way and never said a thing and yet he still managed to make you feel like shit about it. You wipe your tears away, removing the keychain he gave you from your bag and throwing it down to the ground, stomping on it. 

“Fuck you, Han Dongmin.”

༄ ༄ ༄

Leehan: 

The undeniably attractive, oblivious and kind hearted man that everyone loves. He was incredibly popular on your small campus, loved by men and women alike. So you were very surprised to find that he had taken an interest in you. You wouldn’t say you had a crush on him but of course you couldn’t deny his beauty. You weren’t shy per se but you didn’t put yourself out there. You had your circle of friends and did your part in the clubs you were in but that was it. 

Everyone knew him as the lovely fish guy, always talking about his pet fish and what he hopes to achieve in his tank in the future. You had only ever seen him at your school’s aqua life club, as he was the president of it. You worked with him before but you didn’t know him that well. 

“Hey Y/N.” 

There were a couple of other people helping to organize the fundraiser your club was hosting, Donghyun came to speak to you first.

“Hey Donghyun, how’ve you been?”

“I’m doing well. I actually had a question to ask you.” 

“Oh? What’s up? Did you need help with something for the club?” 

He nervously scratches the nape of his neck before flashing his bright smile at you. 

“Actually, I was wondering if you would want to go out with me sometime? I completely understand if you don’t want to but I just thought I’d ask.”

You were taken aback, not really expecting to have been asked on a date by him, but you agreed nonetheless. Which brought you to your current situation. 

Donghyun would constantly get invited out to parties by his friends or girls who thought they had a chance with him. You guys had more of a friends with benefits relationship, occasionally going on dates whenever he asked. But you inevitably caught feelings for him. You were scared to confront him about them, worried about what his reaction might be. The next time you saw him was when he invited you out to dinner. After eating, you went back to your apartment. Usually the time after your date was spent feeling each other up, as per your arrangement, but today felt different. Dognhyun could feel the tension radiating off of you so he waited until you were back inside to ask you about it.

“Everything okay? You seemed a little tense back at the restaurant?”

You fiddled with your jewelry, his nervous smile making you even more nervous. 

“Yeah it's just… there's something we need to talk about…”

“Oh, no. Don’t tell me you have a boyfriend now and have to end things with me? If you waited to tell me that after our date then that's just cruel.”

His laugh is lighthearted, almost mocking, as if the possibility of you getting a boyfriend and breaking things off him was unlikely. You reciprocate his laugh nonetheless.

“No… I actually think we need to end things for a different reason.”

His joking manner turned serious as the words left your mouth, sitting on the couch and pulling you down with him. 

“Did I do anything to upset you? I like this arrangement we have and if there's anything I can do to fix it please tell me.”

“No Donghyun, it's not you. It's just… I like you. I know that's against what our arrangement was about but I can’t help it.”

“Y/N… you know I can’t date you. It’d be too… weird. I don't meant weird but you know, I’m the president of aqua life and I have a big name here and-”

“And being with me would ruin your reputation so you decided to just sleep with me instead?”

He fell silent, confirming your previous statement and you felt your heart drop into your stomach. How had you not known how he truly felt this whole time?

“Why take me out on all these dates then if you strictly wanted it to be just sex? It’s not like everyone in the club doesn’t know anyways so this ruining your reputation bullshit doesn’t make much sense. Or were you just hoping that things would work out and you could throw me away when you got bored?”

“I’m sorry, I just don’t want a relationship with you. I took you out on dates to be nice so we could keep things like this between us. If I had known you were going to catch feelings for me I wouldn’t have done all this.”

“You’re such an asshole. You were giving me mixed signals this whole time, taking me out and treating me like a girlfriend, holding my hand and shit and you expected me not to catch feelings? Just so I’d stay fucking you in hopes that I dont realize just how much you suck? You’re a dick, Donghyun.”

He didn’t have it in him to try to argue with you or calm you down, getting up from the sofa.

“I feel like I’ve said a lot of things that were taken out of context. If you would like to talk more about this then let me know. But for the record, I do apologize for all of this. I wouldn’t have done it if I knew this is how things would go.”

“You can take your apology and shove it up your ass, Donghyun.”

You basically push him out of your apartment, slamming the door in his face. You waited until you heard his footsteps walk away to silently sob to yourself for not seeing his true colors sooner. 

༄ ༄ ༄

Woonhak:

A normally very sweet yet childish boy that had so much love to give you. His passive aggressive tendencies towards his friends would always make you laugh, his embarrassment at being babied by them entertaining to you. He could be the most perfect boyfriend ever, when he didn’t have anger issues. Even though he would never admit to it, Woonhak was very sensitive and it was very apparent when he was angry or ticked off. It didn’t help that he couldn’t control himself when he was angry, often opting to yell at the person that made him mad. 

The first time you saw him angry, he was in an argument with Jaehyun. With their comeback approaching quickly, tensions between all the boys were high and all the criticisms were getting to them. While the others had more sensibility and maturity when it came to controlling their anger, Woonhak would just explode. You had walked into the practice room to deliver dinner to the boys, a simple meal you got from the food stand down the road. You heard yelling come from the practice room but you just assumed it was an instructor giving them directions for their comeback stage. But upon walking in, you see Woonhak and Jaehyun fighting, screaming about the performance. 

You were quite soft spoken yourself, so hearing Woonhak yell like that scared you, making you drop the food on the floor, alerting the two boys of your presence. They both looked at you seething, but Jaehyun’s expression softened up when he saw you there, standing frozen as the food had started leaking from the bag and onto the floor. Woonhak looks at you but just huffs and walks away, probably embarrassed that you had to see that. You slowly clean up the food in shock, Jaehyun apologizing while helping you clean. 

You go to see Woonhak after and see that he had tear stains down his cheeks, visible through his messed up makeup. Thinking you were Jaehyun, he started yelling again, asking to be left alone before looking back at you, seeing the tears in your eyes in fear of being yelled at by him. He quickly apologizes to you before walking away, mad at himself for being such an idiot and blowing up at you for no reason. You were scared and upset, not being able to handle being yelled at from anyone, especially your boyfriend. 

You had waited for him to come to you and when he did, he immediately apologized again and hugged you, asking for your forgiveness. You of course said yes, as long as he doesn’t yell at you ever again. He agreed and you guys were fine for a while. After the comeback and promotions, they were right back to practicing for another comeback plus the first part of their tour. You had learned that Woonhak just needed space when preparing for comebacks, so you always gave him distance when he was at his busiest, but recently, everything seemed to piss him off, including you. 

You would be at his dorm, preparing food for the boys after practice and he would come home mad, stressed and tired. You’d politely offer him a try of the food you are making, only to be swatted away by him and ignored, making you feel less than adequate. He did this a couple times and your patience slowly dwindled, until you met your breaking point. 

A particularly rough afternoon had resulted in him getting into a fight with Taesan over lyrics to their new song. He was being reprimanded for trying to add lyrics that were shot down multiple times. You just so happened to get caught in crossfire, and he would blame you, saying that it was your constant need for his attention that distracted him. Upon hearing this you felt the tears well up in your eyes. 

“Is that what you think of me? A distraction to your music career for simply wanting to be by your side?”

Taesan looked like a deer in headlights, excusing himself from the situation, afraid of feeling your wrath. 

“Y/N, you know that's not what I mean, I’m just frustrated.”

“That's the issue Kim Woonhak, you’re ALWAYS frustrated. You're always stressed and there's always something wrong. Anytime I try to help you, you treat me like I’m a burden and I can never be good enough to help you. You always ignore me when I’m here so I’ve stopped asking for your attention in hopes that you’d come to me for once but you never do. Do you even want to be with me anymore?”

Tears were flowing down his cheeks not being able to hold them back any longer after your confession. 

“Y-Y/N, i love you so much. I’m sorry I’m so busy… I want to be with you I swear I can treat you right I just need some time during this comeback and–”

“I’ve given you nothing but time, Woonhak. I don’t have any more of my time to give you. I can’t stay here while you yell at me and I can’t stand the fact that you think I’m the one holding you back. So I won’t be here to hold you back anymore, Kim Woonhak. We’re done.”

You can no longer hold your tears back, letting them roll down your face and onto the ground as you slowly pack up your belongings, giving him one last hug before leaving, wishing him luck on his upcoming comeback and tour. 

[loveyni]

taesan is for …

sungho • riwoo • jaehyun • taesan!! • leehan • woonhak

a/n. hi loves!! i’ve decided to let bonedo join enha + txt for this series on my blog ^__^ the very first one being taesan~ AKA. another self callout post . please enjoy onedoor <33

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ ──

taesan is for those who fail to love in moderation; you can see it in the way they speak so fondly of their friends; the various trinket collections scattered around their room; the way their voices raise a pitch around babies or animals; the love letters they’ve never sent collecting dust in the closet.

taesan is for those who treat their playlists like little diaries; bits and pieces of them hidden behind lyrics they relate to all too well; the people they think of when those love songs play; the memories associated with each soulful melody; the endless nights they spent with music as their only comfort.

taesan is for those who obsess over personality tests, archetypes, and astrology because they have an ache to be known; for anything to give breath to their identity because its proof that they are someone (what’s ur favorite uquiz… i know u have one,,).

taesan is for those who cringe whenever a particular name shows up in their predicted text box or photo gallery memories (they can’t hurt you anymore, i promise).

taesan is for those who are hyper independent because they don’t believe that their needs are worth the time of others (to deny help is a disservice to yourself,,, i hope that one day u can open up your heart again my love).

taesan is for those who carry a particular melancholy with them, who have diligently learned to live alongside it despite it all (happiness isn’t something meant to be deserved, but you deserve it all).

── ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

req to be added to taglist !! ^^ until next time xx take care of yoursellf <3

[serejae]

WHY WE ENDED…? (i dont remember) | BND

pairing ; ot6(finally)bnd x reader

genre ; exes to lovers (can u tell im not over my ex)

warnings ; please ignore how rusty this is, i havent wrote bnd smaus in so long + me being alive in @onedoornet again randomly

IN WHICH…you and your ex just cannot stay away

[ihangelic]

NICE GUY ꒱ h.taesan

synopsis. taesan climbs through your window bloody and injured, yet all he’s wanting is to know you’re okay pair. taesan x gn!reader genre. angst to fluff (hurt/comfort), bff’s to lovers warnings. ‘unrequited’ to requited love, crying, mentioned ex, protective!taesan, injury/blood, kissing, reader wears mascara, taesan calls reader ‘pretty’, reader lives with parents wc. 1.5k

𓂃 ₊˚⊹ note. woke up this morning with an empty google doc and the need for angst. came up with this and i actually really like it!

copyright of @/ihangelic

crying in your bed isn’t how you planned to spend your saturday night, but when you heard that your ex boyfriend was going around talking shit about you— you didn’t really have the ability to do anything else.

just an hour ago you were getting ready to go to a party, your best friend taesan already in his car to come pick you up and accompany you (as always).

of course you had to get the text just as you were putting on your mascara; a friend of yours texting you that they’re already at said party— but so is your ex. they went on to tell you everything your ex said to his group of friends, yet he spoke loudly enough for everyone to hear; that he wasn’t ever really into you, that he was bored and you seemed ‘easy to get’, that he decided to drop you once you got too annoying.

after that your eyes quickly filled with tears from the humiliation that curved your shoulders, quickly texting taesan that you weren’t going to the party anymore.

he sent you a few confused texts asking ‘what’ and ‘why’ and ‘you wanna do something, just the two of us instead?’. when you didn’t answer, not able to find the energy, he started calling. after the third ring, the small flood of notifications stopped, a few minutes passing before you received one more text from taesan.

it simply read; ‘i heard. i’ll be over in a bit’.

and now you’re here; mascara running in your going-out outfit that’s going to waste as you wait to hear taesan’s car pull up in your driveway.

it’s not like you were ever that attached to your ex. it was a short, unserious relationship; one that you got into because he pursued you first and you thought he was a nice guy. but the more time you spent with him, the more you realized why you were really with him—

for a distraction.

feelings you’d been swallowing down for years, butterflies you refused to acknowledge were in your stomach— not for your ex, but your best friend.

it’s funny how the human mind works, how you can shut things out and lie to yourself until you genuinely believe it, all while your heart knows. it always knows who it really belongs to. and you hate it. you hate how as you’re lying in your bed crying, you’re unsure of what you’re really crying about; the mean words your nobody of an ex said? or is it because the one person you want is constantly by your side, yet not in the way that you want?

a knock at your window has you flinching, lifting your head to see the darkened image of taesan crouched on your roof.

this occurrence isn’t uncommon, but it has you worried every time as you hurry to get up and open your window.

“what the fuck are you doing?” you start scolding before he even steps his first foot inside, voice more harsh than needed as your emotions confuse you. “would it kill you to just use the front door for once?”

“i didn’t want to wake your parents up.” taesan says while looking down, jumping off the window’s ledge and landing on his two feet.

in the soft yellow lamp-light of your bedroom, he finally looks up— and your eyes roam over each other’s faces; taesan’s eyes hardening at your obvious tear streaks, mascara darkening the bottom of your eyes; while your heart drops into the pit of your stomach when you see a bruise already forming on the high of his cheek bone and a split on the far side of his lip.

“…what the fuck did you do?” you ask, voice coming out somewhat whispered and a little rough from your crying.

taesan looks as though he doesn’t even hear you, deep brown eyes still roaming over your features. you hate how you feel your cheeks start to heat up at the tender look of concern— and you hate it even more when his hand slowly lifts to your cheek, almost like he’s cupping your face if it weren’t for how ghostly his touch is— before his thumb starts rubbing off the grey tear stains.

your heart thumps in your chest at the action and you sniff, turning your face away from his touch so you could much more roughly wipe at your own cheeks.

“taesan, answer me.”

“got in a fight.” he answers vaguely, eyes avoiding your demanding ones as he tries to dab some of the blood onto his bent wrist instead, causing you to then notice his bruised knuckles.

“…with him?” you ask, your voice piercing the quiet between you, an odd tension— because you’re not stupid. you can put two and two together that he must have driven to the party without you to confront your ex. you can only imagine the scene it must have caused, but you honestly should have expected it. taesan has always been one to have a short fuse when it comes to how others treat you.

the butterflies that have made home in your stomach seem to want to make sure you haven’t forgotten their presence, fluttering around in a sudden burst and making you feel a little sick.

“he deserved it. he deserves more.” taesan utters, voice dark as he mentions ‘him’.

“but you got hurt in the process.” you say sternly, with a little bite as you take hold of his uninjured hand to lead him to your connected bathroom.

he sits on the ledge of the tub when the warmth of your palm leaves his, watching as you open the cabinet and pull out a washcloth.

“you should’ve seen him though.” taesan jokes, your eyes looking up to glance at his smile through the mirror before he hisses at the sting of his lips being stretched.

“i wish i could have, actually.” you softly admit, and taesan’s happy to see the corners of your mouth turn up a bit.

running the cloth under cold water, you wring it out before folding it and coming face to face with taesan, the boy only having to lift his chin slightly to compensate.

your brows furrow as you gently dab up the blood on his lip, careful with the open wound.

in your concentration you don’t notice how taesan’s soft eyes continue to take you in until he speaks up again— the surprising reverency of his tone, uttered so closely to your face, sending goosebumps across your skin.

“you look really pretty.”

your ministrations pause, eyes moving from his plump lips to his gaze— which you’re too frazzled to think about what emotion they’re holding.

you try to laugh it off, awkward and airy as you shake your head with a little smile. “please. i look like a mess. i have raccoon eyes.”

“no,” taesan disagrees gently. “looks cool, like grunge-y smudged eyeliner.”

you huff through your nose, still smiling as you remove the washcloth from his mouth, rinsing off the blood under the open faucet. once it’s all clean, damp with cold water and neatly folded, you raise your hand with the intention of holding it to his lip again to prevent swelling— but taesan stops you with his fingers curling around your wrist, lowering it so it doesn’t obscure his view of your face.

“i can’t stand knowing you were crying over him— hurt because of him…”

his confession, once again whispered while you swear his eyes glance down to your lips before connecting back with your stare— it has your confusing emotions rousing all over again, like you're scrambling to hold the pieces of your heart together before they can even break, bracing for impact.

“m’ hurt because of you.” you mumble without thinking, eyes widening in panic when you realize the words you just said out loud.

“what?” taesan asks, bewildered yet desperately wanting to understand.

you attempt to escape his hold on your wrist and run like a coward from the situation— from your feelings; but taesan doesn’t let you, standing up and pulling you captive into his arms.

“don’t make me wait anymore.” he pleads, breath fanning against your face as the proximity between you has lessened even more. “say what’s on your mind.”

and suddenly there’s nothing; everything in your head quiets except for the beat of your heart and a voice that tells you to lean into his lips. and so you do, the magnetic pull of taesan’s eyes helping you inch closer, meeting you halfway until the warm press of his skin is against yours.

the moment you touch, it’s like you’re both breathing in your first breath of life, ribs expanding before sighing and melting deeper into each other’s arms. taesan’s kiss is so wanting, yet careful— as though you’re the one with an injury.

your hands grab onto taesan’s shirt as if to confirm this is real— real enough to feel between your fingers. his arm wraps more firmly around the curve of your spine while his other hand cups your cheek, and it’s like you fit together perfectly.

when you part, taesan’s eyes still have that magnetic energy— unable to look away from his gaze that’s now completely ungaurded, more open than you’ve ever seen him before.

“say it…” he yearns, warm palm still holding your cheek— and suddenly it’s like words are easy.

“i love you.”

[mountaesan]

a wild goose chase ; h. taesan

pairing. loser frat boy!taesan x fem!reader ( ft. frat brothers!sungho & leehan ) genre. slice of life , angst if you squint , strangers to lovers , university au synopsis. taesan isn't one to usually to go on a wild goose chase , but his world is turned upside down after one conversation with you word count. 3.8k warnings. alcohol consumption , taesan fumbles a baddie ( you ) , reader wears makeup in one scene , taesan is horrendously down bad playlist. her by block b , phone number by jinusean ( screamed when they collabed w jinusean . . . i lich rally grew up with this song so it was so surreal for me LMAO ) notes. this is the first and last time i will ever write solely in a member’s pov. i struggled way too much man

Since his first day of being a pledge, Taesan’s been in a strange limbo, teetering between a thin edge of savoring the pulse of life that could only exist in a too-crowded, too busy frat party, and loathing the sweaty chaos of beer-stained floors.

Today felt like the latter.

He bit back a curse when he felt the cold splatter of cheap beer spilling onto his shoes. Yup, definitely the latter. 

The culprit, a half-drunk freshman he recognized as a pledge from another frat, mumbled a short apology before scampering off to the bar. Taesan ran an exhausted hand through his hair, contemplating once again, his choice to join a fraternity, and pushed through the crowd to the entrance of the frat house.

“Hey, Woonhak,” Taesan clapped a hand on the shoulder of his Little, a freshman with bright eyes and a cheery smile.  “You’re off pledge duty. I got you.”

Woonhak glanced at the older brother with an excited glint in his eyes. “Really? Are you being serious?”

Taesan leaned against the doorframe, the cool night air brushing against his face as he took Woonhak’s place at the entrance. He had just enough view of the street to feel like he wasn’t entirely stuck in the chaos behind him. Taking the clipboard from Woonhak, he gave the younger boy a mock glare.

“Go, before I start assigning you something worse, like mop duty,” Taesan said with a smirk.

Woonhak saluted dramatically before disappearing into the house. Probably to find the rest of the pledges and bask in his temporary freedom.

Taesan sighed, flipping the clipboard to glance at the guest list for all of two seconds before setting it on a nearby ledge. Who cared if they were invited or not? As long as they weren’t carrying anything sketchy, it wasn’t his problem.

The first group approached, a trio of giggling girls holding red Solo cups. Taesan raised a skeptical brow, clearly noticing the alcohol already in hand, but he didn’t bother questioning where it came from.

“You’re good. Go on in,” he said, waving them through without hesitation.

They gave him a quick thanks and hurried inside, their laughter trailing behind them. Another group shuffled up next, this time a pair of guys who looked like they’d eat guys like Taesan for breakfast. One of them squinted at him, as if sizing him up.

“Do we need to, like, sign in or something?” the guy asked.

Taesan stared at him blankly. “Nope. Enjoy.”

And so it went. Taesan let a steady stream of people through, his “screening process” consisting mostly of quick glances and half-hearted waves. He let his mind wander, relishing the cool breeze and the occasional quiet moments when no one approached.

Half an hour passed. Maybe more. He wasn’t keeping track.

“You’re really just letting everyone in, huh?”

The voice startled Taesan out of his thoughts. Turning, he saw a familiar face–Sungho, a senior who lived for frat events but somehow managed to stay above the chaos. He stood with his arms crossed, an amused smile playing on his lips.

Taesan shrugged, his usual deadpan expression intact. “What do you want me to do? Start a full-body security pat down?”

Sungho laughed. “Nah, but you could at least pretend to care. Who knows, maybe someone will bring a llama into the house or something.”

“A llama would probably be the highlight of the night,” Taesan shot back.

Sungho rolled his eyes but stayed beside him, leaning against the frame. “You hate this, don’t you?”

“Absolutely.” 

They stood in silence for a moment, watching another group wander up the driveway. Sungho nudged him.

“Come on, at least ask if they’re on the list this time,” he teased.

Taesan groaned but picked up the clipboard. He glanced down at the list for show and when the group reached him, he asked, “Names?”

The group rattled off something incomprehensible over the thumping bass from inside. Taesan nodded as if he cared, waved them through, and dropped the clipboard again.

“Wow. Stellar effort,” Sungho deadpanned.

“Thanks. I try,” Taesan replied, monotone. 

“Well, I’m going to bounce. Do your job properly, dude.” With a final pat on his shoulder, Sungho’s footsteps retreated as he disappeared back into the house. 

The familiar weight of resignation settled over Taesan again as the door swung shut behind him. With a sigh, he slumped further into his position, resting his back against the doorframe as he half-heartedly pretended to check people off the list, all while counting down the minutes until he could leave.

He didn’t even look up when another group approached, letting them through with a lazy wave. He was honestly getting close to abandoning his post altogether. He’d never been assigned this duty in the first place, and he sure as hell didn’t care enough to do it right. 

But then again, if he left, Woonhak would catch flak for it, and Taesan wasn’t about to make his Little’s life harder. Besides, he had no interest in receiving a demerit for a job that wasn’t even his in the first place. No way he’d risk that.

So, he stuck it out, like some reluctant sentinel standing at the gates of a frat party he hated. 

One thing to clarify though, Taesan doesn’t hate his frat. He joined for a reason. Sure, it had taken some convincing from Leehan, but Taesan wanted to belong. He wanted to be part of something bigger. He enjoyed the parties, the camaraderie with his brothers, the sense of pride that came with being part of a long-standing tradition. 

But on days like today, when the music felt too loud, the bodies too close, and the heat in the house too overwhelming, he didn’t exactly feel connected to it. Some days, it was just too much. But that didn’t mean he was going to bail entirely. 

He was still there. 

Taesan’s thoughts drifted again, only for a soft tap on his shoulder to yank him back into the present.

“Okay, okay, I’ll do those full-body pat downs since you want them so bad. Wanna be my first?” Taesan said without thinking, his voice dripping with sarcasm as he turned around, fully expecting Sungho to reprimand him for doing his job poorly again.

But when he turned, his words caught in his throat.

It wasn’t Sungho with his broad shoulders, ready to scold him. It was a girl.

A pretty one, at that.

You were stunning, with sparkling eye makeup that caught the light like stars and a half-empty Solo cup clutched in your hand. Your smile was teasing, but there was something about your energy that made Taesan forget how to breathe for a second.

Your wide eyes met his, and his heart did something weird. A small, unfamiliar skip. He cleared his throat, trying to shake the feeling, but it didn’t go away. You were too pretty. Too close. And for some reason, everything about you made the party fade away, even the thumping bass of the music and the chaos inside the house.

He immediately regretted his sarcastic quip.

You blinked once. Twice. Then, with an easy smile, said, “So, you’re really going to give me a full-body pat down?”

Taesan swallowed hard, cursing inwardly at his own awkwardness. He’d never been good at talking to pretty girls, and you, with your sharp eyes and mischievous grin, were making him feel like a fool.

“Uh, no,” he replied quickly, his voice awkward. “I was just, uh, joking.”

You raised an eyebrow, still smiling. “Oh? Too bad. I could’ve used a full-body check,” you teased lightly, glancing down at his clipboard. “But seriously, I’m looking for someone. Have they come in yet?”

Taesan blinked, completely thrown off his game. “Who?”

“Her name’s Ji-an. She’s—”

Taesan felt a sharp pang of guilt when he realized that he had no idea who had come in, much less if someone named Ji-an had arrived. He cursed himself internally. Turns out his half-assed guest checking routine wasn’t exactly working in his favor. Maybe he should’ve listened to Sungho.

“I—uh—yeah, sorry. I have no idea,” Taesan stammered, suddenly feeling like an idiot.

Your smile faltered slightly, but you didn’t seem upset. Instead, you shrugged. “It’s fine. I figured I’d ask anyway. I’ll just look inside.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry I wasn’t any help. I didn’t really—uh—” he trailed off, feeling even more awkward.

But you didn’t seem to mind. You tilted your head slightly, your smile returning. “You know, I have to say, the ‘full-body-pat-down’ idea has some potential. Maybe you should do that for everyone. Could be your new thing.”

Taesan blinked. “My new thing? As in, like, a career move?”

You laughed, and Taesan found himself smiling despite himself. “Sure, why not?”

The two of you bantered for a few more minutes and the tension in Taesan’s chest loosened with each passing second. He wasn’t the smoothest guy, but for some reason, it didn’t feel like he was completely messing up with you.

After a while, you gave him a friendly wave with a warm smile. “Well, thanks for the pat-down offer,” you said. “I have to go find my friend now.”

Taesan opened his mouth to say something, anything, but he couldn’t find the words. He should’ve offered to help, or at least asked for your name so he could tell you if he saw Ji-an. But he didn’t.

After you disappeared into the house, Taesan cursed himself, kicking the ground in frustration. “Idiot,” he muttered, rubbing a hand over his face.

Quickly racking his brain for any ideas, he spotted a nearby pledge as his eyes darted around in a frantic attempt to regain some sense of control over the situation. He grabbed the pledge by the shoulder, his voice sharp.

“Hey, find Woonhak,” Taesan instructed quickly. “Tell him to come back to the door so I can go inside. I gotta—uh, I gotta take care of something.”

Before the pledge could respond, Taesan was already darting into the house. He couldn’t waste another second. He had no idea where you had gone, but he couldn’t just let you slip away without at least trying. He pushed through the partygoers, the bass of the music vibrating in his chest as he made his way deeper into the house, hoping to spot you again.

But no matter how many people he bumped into, no matter how many faces he searched, you were nowhere to be seen. The house was a blur of bodies, the dance floor packed, conversations overlapping with laughter and the clink of bottles.

“Where the hell did she go?” Taesan muttered under his breath, frustration beginning to boil in his chest. He stood still for a moment, trying to focus, to catch his breath, but it didn’t help. You had disappeared into the crowd. 

By the time he reached the bar area, Taesan’s determination had wavered, and he felt more ridiculous than ever. The bartender, someone he recognized from his BIO 265, gave him a nod as he slid onto a barstool. He needed something to take the edge off.

“Three shots of tequila,” Taesan said with a tired smile.

The bartender raised a brow but didn’t ask any questions. A few moments later, three glasses were set in front of him. Taesan didn’t hesitate. One after the other, he threw them back, the warmth and burn of the alcohol cutting through the mess of thoughts clouding his mind.

The shots hit him fast, the tipsy feeling spreading through his chest and head. The nervous energy he had been carrying around since the moment you walked up to him seemed to dissipate. He felt lighter, like the heavy weight of self-doubt was slowly lifting.

“Alright, alright, now we’re talking,” Leehan said as he slid into the empty spot next to him, a grin spreading across his face. “What’s going on, dude? You look like someone punched you in the gut for the past hour.”

Taesan slouched against the bar, his fingers tapping in time with the music. A small smile formed on his face despite himself.

“I… I messed up, dude,” Taesan started, his words slightly slurring, but not enough to lose coherence. “I talked to this girl, but I—ugh, I don’t even know why I said the stuff I did. I don’t know what came over me. She was cute, man. Like, really cute.”

“Alright, spill,” Leehan said, nudging him. “Give me all the deets. Maybe I can find this chick for you.”

Taesan huffed, running a hand through his hair. “She came up to me while I was covering my Little for door duty. She asked if someone was here, but because I’m so amazing and perfect at my job, I had no clue. We talked a little and then she…  walked off.”

Leehan grinned, his curiosity piqued. “What’d she look like?”

“She was… pretty,” Taesan said, gesturing vaguely. “Like, really pretty. Sparkly eyes, Solo cup, electrifying smile. She was—ugh, I don’t know how to explain it.”

Leehan’s grin widened as he leaned back against the bar. “Sparkly eyes and an electrifying smile? What are you, a poet? Goddamn, someone’s got it bad. Did you at least get her name?”

Taesan groaned, burying his face in his hands. “No. She was looking for her friend, Ji-an. That’s all I know.”

Leehan let out a low whistle. “Man, you really blew it. But hey, this is a party. If she’s still here, we can find her.”

Taesan lifted his head, shooting his friend a skeptical look. “You’re not serious.”

“Dead serious.” Leehan clapped him on the shoulder, the force almost making Taesan lose his balance on the barstool. “You’ve been moping since you got here. Might as well do something about it. Come on, dude, let’s go.”

Taesan hesitated, the tequila in his system making his thoughts fuzzy. He wanted to protest, but deep down, he didn’t want to sit there all night replaying the interaction in his head. If there was even the slightest chance of finding you again, he couldn’t let it slip away.

“Fine,” he muttered, sliding off the stool. “But if this turns into some wild goose chase, it’s all your fault.”

Leehan laughed, already scanning the room like a man on a mission. “Relax, dude. I’ve got a good feeling about this. Let’s start with the dance floor. That’s where all the magic usually happens.”

The two of them weaved through the crowd, Taesan’s eyes darting from face to face in search of you. The party was in full swing with the music loud and the air thick with energy. People were dancing, laughing, and shouting over the loud bass, but Taesan couldn’t focus on any of it. His mind was consumed by the image of your teasing smile and the way your eyes had sparkled under the dim lights.

Ten minutes quickly turned into half an hour, and Taesan glanced over at Leehan dejectedly, who responded with a shake of his head from the other end of the room. They made their way to the center of the dance floor, meeting halfway with matching downcast looks. 

“Sorry, dude. Riwoo said he saw some girl dragging a drunk Ji-an out not too long ago. That might’ve been your girl.” Leehan clasped his hand on Taesan’s shoulder. “Forget about her, man. There’s plenty of other fish in the sea.”

Taesan shook his head. “You don’t get it. She’s not someone you could easily forget about overnight.”

“You’ll be saying otherwise when you’re shitfaced by the end of the night. C’mon.”

Taesan did not say otherwise at the end of the night, but he did have something else to say to Leehan when he woke up the next morning with a splitting headache and a hangover bad enough to curdle milk.

He groaned when his alarm blared loudly, shrill beeps drilling into his skull like a jackhammer. His hand shot out from beneath the blanket, swiping at the nightstand in a desperate attempt to silence it. On the fourth swing, his fingers finally managed to find the snooze button, and for a moment, blissful silence returned. 

But Taesan’s head continued to throb, each pulse serving as a cruel reminder of the series of events last night following his encounter with you.

“Leehan…” Taesan croaked, his voice rough and crackly. He barely managed to crack one eye open, but immediately shut it again when the daylight spilling through the blinds felt like knives stabbing into his brain. He groaned louder. “Leehan… you shit.”

“Nuh-uh. I’m off best friend duty,” came a muffled response from across the room. Leehan’s voice wasn’t any better than Taesans. “I don’t know a Leehan.”

Taesan tried to sit up—key word: tried. The room spun violently, and he immediately slumped back down as he clutched his temples. “Oh my God… I’m never letting you bartend ever again.”

Leehan gave no response, and Taesan became awfully suspicious that his best friend had fallen back asleep, at the luxury of no morning classes terrorizing his schedule. Lucky bastard.

Panic prickled at the edges of Taesan’s foggy brain. Morning class. He had morning class. And it was one of those unforgiving ones where attendance counted for more than 50% of his grade. Shit. He rolled out of bed, landing on the floor with a graceless thud. The impact sent another wave of nausea crashing over him, and he mumbled out another frenzy of colorful, obscene words.

Taesan crawled to his feet, using the edge of his rickety, old dorm bed for support. He staggered to the closet, pulling out the first clean shirt he could find. It was inside out. He didn’t care. Pants? Found them on the floor. Socks? Mismatched, but at least they were clean (he checked).

He stumbled into the bathroom, squinting at his reflection. His hair was a bird’s nest, and his face looked like it had been dragged through a gravel pit. He splashed cold water on his face, hoping it would shock some life back into him. It didn’t.

“You look like you were visited by the grim reaper himself,” Leehan called from the warmth and safety of his bed. Taesan was brimming with jealousy.

“Feel so much worse,” he muttered, gripping the sink to steady himself. He grabbed his toothbrush. The minty toothpaste felt like ice against his teeth, and for a second, he thought he might actually cry. By some miracle, Taesan made it back to his room, tugging on the first sweater he could find, followed by his bag slinging over one shoulder. 

“If I die in class, tell my parents it’s all your fault,” he said, glaring weakly at Leehan.

Leehan saluted lazily from his bed. “Have fun, champ.”

Taesan didn’t dignify that with a response. He sprinted out the door, pushing down the urge to regurgitate everything he’s had to eat in the past 24 hours, and prayed to every deity he could think of that he’d make it to class in one piece. 

Somehow, he did.

Taesan stumbled into the lecture hall with barely a minute to spare. His hoodie was pulled so far over his head, it nearly covered his eyes. He slid into a seat at the very back, slouching low to make it himself as inconspicuous as possible. The professor’s voice droned on at the front of the room, but Taesan wasn’t listening. He couldn’t. His mind was elsewhere, rewinding to last night. To you.

He could still picture your bright smile, teasing and playful. The way your eyes sparkled under the dim lights, like they held secrets he’d spend a lifetime trying to uncover. You had been so easy to talk to, like you’d known each other for years instead of minutes. He replayed the sound of your laughter ringing in his ears, the warmth of your hand brushing against his, the way his heart had skipped a beat when you looked at him with a twinkle in your eyes.

The short, five minute memory served as a lifeline, pulling him through the fog of his hangover. He barely noticed the minutes ticking by, and before he knew it, the lecture was over. Students began filing out as the sound of their chatter filled the air, but Taesan stayed seated for a beat longer. He was reluctant to leave the sanctuary of his thoughts. Of you.

Finally, he heaved himself to his feet and trudged out of the lecture hall, his body heavy with exhaustion. Coffee. He needed coffee—something hot and strong to chase away the remnants of his misery.

But then he saw you.

You were across the quad, walking with your bag slung casually over one shoulder. The sunlight hit you just right, catching in your hair and illuminating your face. Your presence cut through the haze in Taesan’s mind like a beacon, and he froze, his heart thudding painfully in his chest. For a moment, he forgot all about his headache, his nausea, the dryness in his throat, even the fact that he could barely stand upright. 

All he could see was you. 

And you were walking away, towards the main building.

It was like the universe had thrown Taesan a lifeline. He bolted down four flights of stairs, his bag bouncing against his back as he burst out of the building. He sprinted across the quad, ignoring the confused stares of his classmates.

Taesan’s lungs burned, and his legs felt like jelly, but he pushed forward, desperate to catch up to you before you disappeared again.

“Wait!” he called, his voice cracking slightly.

You turned, eyebrows raised in surprise. He skidded to a stop in front you, panting heavily both from the exertion and the sheer adrenaline of seeing you up close again. For a second, he couldn’t find the words. His mind had turned blank, except for the thought that you were prettier than he remembered.

“Door guy?”

“That full body security pat down is still on the table, if you want.”

Taesan’s words hung in the air, and his eyes widened in horror as he realized what he’d just said. He had blurt out whatever words first came to mind, not realizing that he sounded like a complete weirdo in front of you. His face turned bright red, and he opened his mouth to backtrack, but then you laughed—a warm, genuine laugh that sent his heart into overdrive.

“Smooth,” you said, still smiling. “Real smooth, door guy.”

Taesan rubbed the back of his neck, grinning sheepishly. “The name’s Taesan. I… I meant to say hi. But, uh, hi.”

“Hi, Taesan,” you replied, your smile softening. “I’m [Name].”

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[restlessmaknae]

i'll be the moon // taesan

Taesan was most definitely not pining for you, he was just… curious. Curious about you, your opinion on their songs, your favourite flavoured milk, your favourite colour, the exact shade of your eyes from up-close… Wait, was that what pining for someone meant?

➳ Characters: Taesan x female reader/you

➳ Genre: high school au, rich kids au, slow burn (Taesan is down bad for Y/N, but she's oblivious at this point), fluff

➳ Words: 3.1k

➳ Warning: mentions of parental pressure, an argument

➳ A/N:��Since you've voted for a Taesan POV chapter for 'i'll be the sun', here it is! This turned out to be more of a prequel story because 'i'll be the sun' picks up the storyline from senior year, but I hope you enjoy down bad!Taesan in this. 🤗

Check out the KOZ International High series masterpost!

It all started in sophomore year. At least, for Taesan, it did.

It was one of those very ordinary, very dull days at the very end of September, the chill of the October breeze already present in the air, the pressure of the upcoming tests looming above the students. Taesan, for one, didn’t care that much about academics. Even though he didn’t want to disappoint his parents and play with the money they paid just so he could study at one of the best international high schools in Asia, if not the world, he already knew that he didn’t want to be a lawyer or a doctor or a businessman like most of his classmates.

It was just difficult to break it down to his parents because when was there ever a right time for such a confession? Not to mention the awkwardness that seeped into his bones at the very thought of telling his parents that he wanted to do music. Not for fame, not for fans, not for money. For self-expression.

Besides, KOZ International High didn’t exactly favour musician wannabes. At least, not for now. However, seeing how you had set up a Maths club last year as the first freshman to do so, he felt encouraged. Maybe no one would want to join a music club, but he could give it a try. He just didn’t know how to do it, how to actually make a music club. So he turned to the only person who had actually created one (thanks for the idea to Leehan who had actually paid attention to such details in freshman year).

The problem was how to approach you, and make it seem like an innocent question, not a favour to ask or something he wanted you to help with as in ultimately being indebted to you. You already had a lot on your plate, he could tell. As opposed to him, you did well, you were neck-to-neck with the class president in terms of grades, you attended competitions, and you were also the head of the Maths club. He was constantly in awe at how you could function like a normal human being because it didn’t seem like there were enough hours in a day for his growing body’s sleeping needs, and he did a third of what you did within a day.

One afternoon, when your best friend, Selina, disappeared somewhere, and you were left alone at your table, Taesan took the chance to walk up to you. Then, he faltered, wondering how to actually get around to asking the question, but by the time he could come up with a plausible conversation starter, you had already looked at him, your head tilted in confusion.

“Can I help with anything, Taesan?” You inquired, and though your voice was void of any malice, he could tell just how odd this situation might have seemed to you. This was probably the first time Taesan willingly talked to a girl in his class, much less you.

“Uhm, yeah, the thing is…” He started, looking around once as if any of the students around cared enough to pay attention to you two. Needless to say, no one cared, so his secret would be safe with you, he hoped. “I want to create a music club like how you set up the Maths club last year, but I don’t know how to do it.”

Taesan couldn’t tell whether you were surprised or relieved to hear such words, but he could tell that you definitely didn’t expect him to blurt out something like that. Not that he could blame you, he couldn’t really flaunt his MCR shirts when he was forced to wear a uniform to school, and he didn’t really care much about classical musicians during Music class, so you couldn’t have known. It wasn’t something obvious like Anton’s swimming career.

“Oh sure, I can help you with that. There’s a form that you need to fill out, you also need to talk with the head of student services, and you need to book a room, preferably one of the music rooms in your case for the whole semester, but it’s all pretty straightforward,” you broke it down to him in one-go, and damn, was he impressed. He was completely speechless by the fact that you answered him in such detail, and that you even thought about the music rooms!

“I can send you the details via Kakaotalk if you want,” you added a bit later since he still didn’t speak up, just stood there by your table.

He pulled himself together and thanked you profoundly because it wasn’t even as bad as he had thought so. Quick and efficient, he was glad that there was no further interaction needed, but before he could go back to his seat, you spoke up again.

“I’m sure the music club will be a success, so don’t let the paperwork get you down,” you remarked with a gentle smile, and it was the first time Taesan’s heart skipped a beat due to a girl, and it wasn’t out of embarrassment.

“Thanks,” he mumbled with a probably very mismatched expression because he was partly surprised, partly touched and most definitely shy. You were the second person (after Leehan) he told about his aspirations, and even though you couldn’t have known about it, it meant a lot to him that you already believed in him and in his music club.

Sophomore year was spent focusing on music for Taesan.

Somewhere along the way, he also managed to blurt out to his parents that he created a music club because he wanted to do music – as in professionally. Though they were hesitant at first, they gave in to support his dreams if he studied well enough, so they made an ultimatum. As long as he had good enough grades, he could continue with the club and his aspirations, and he would go onto higher education to study music because if he had a certificate, he would have better career prospects. Knowing his parents, he knew that it was the best deal he could ask for, but he also knew that they wanted him to go onto university because they didn’t believe that his band would make it big.

He couldn’t blame them though. Even the recruitment for the music club was a pain in the ass because whilst Taesan wanted to make music, he didn’t want to sit through interviews with students who wanted to join the club and do all the paperwork that was needed. Initially, he almost failed to make it happen because at least five students were needed to create a club, and he only got four including himself – Yechan, Jungwon and Gyuvin. So to save him from the teenage angst of having his plans hijacked right at the beginning, Leehan signed up for the club, but he wasn’t there, only on paper.

To be honest, Taesan didn’t have a lot of choice, but to make a band with the boys who had signed up (voluntarily), but it worked out perfectly (it was ‘fate’ according to Yechan who liked to be overly dramatic with his words). There was Jungwon on the drums, Gyuvin on the synthesiser, and Yechan on the guitar alongside him. All of them could sing well, but the songwriting was mostly up to Taesan. Even choosing a name for themselves was easy because all other band names were… well… rather interesting. Take ‘Ketchup and Mustard’ (Gyuvin’s idea) or ‘KOZBOYZ’ (Yechan’s idea) for instance, so they went with one of Taesan’s ideas, and that’s how they became Insomnia.

Their first official gig was at the school’s Christmas gala which usually consisted of more and more boring speeches by the principal and head teachers regarding the school’s achievements and upcoming plans, students singing a Christmas song from their own country which took up most of the time and maybe a few dance performances that were actually fun. This time, Insomnia performed two of their songs as the ‘first band in the school’s history’, and even though they were a bit reluctant to do so because their songs were not exactly Christmas-friendly, it turned out to be much more of a success than they would have thought so.

Suddenly, students from other years knew their names and greeted them in the corridor, girls wanted to talk to them – including Taesan which terrified him at times –, and Yechan’s Youtube channel which originally documented his life at KOZ received so many questions regarding Insomnia that the boy decided to make a Youtube channel for the band itself. Soon, they started uploading covers and the followers poured in, even from non-students.

However, Taesan was curious about only one person’s opinion, but it would have been so awkward to go up to you and ask for it. What’s more, what if you thought that he was full of himself, and wanted to fish for compliments, from girls on top of it? Despite his newfound popularity with the band, he wasn’t interested in picking up girls, and it was enough for him to listen to his best friend who was completely head over heels for the class president. Taesan would be horrified if he were to say such things, let alone out loud.

“If you like her so much, why don’t you just tell her?” Taesan asked at one point, exasperated, because he was sure that he would rather poke his eyeballs with his chopsticks than to listen to his best friend go on and on about his crush’s beautiful eyes and the prettiest smile he had ever seen.

“Taesan, my friend,” Leehan leaned closer to him as if telling a secret, though in the busy canteen, he was sure that no one would hear them well if they weren’t eavesdropping in the first place. “You clearly don’t know anything about love. Love is all about timing.”

“As if you’re an expert or something,” he rolled his eyes and turned back to his half-empty food tray, his appetite gone. He grabbed the tray and walked to put his tray on the rolling cart nearby, only to almost bump into you and Selina on his way back.

“Oh sorry,” he mumbled, shooting an apologetic gaze in your direction. He would have probably completely disregarded your friend’s presence if she had not spoken up, her voice full of fury.

“Watch where you’re going, boy. Just because your band blew up doesn’t mean that this whole place is yours,” she exclaimed, totally uncalled for, but before he could react in any way, the girl stormed off.

You and Taesan both watched her go before your eyes met. You directed a forced smile at the boy, your eyes tired and telling stories that he wasn’t sure he could decipher.

“Sorry about that. She’s having a bad day today,” you justified feebly, but the boy wasn’t interested in the reasoning. Instead, he inquired, totally serious:

“Do you think I’ve changed because of the band?”

You were visibly taken aback by his question for a few seconds, your eyes furrowed in contemplation, but then you were quick to reassure him.

“No, I don’t think that you have. Not in a bad way, at least,” you let him know, and he could tell that you were genuine, you didn’t just say so to toot his horn. Before he could thank you for saying so, you excused yourself and followed Selina to a table.

Maybe this wasn’t the kind of opinion he was looking for, but it was still something, and he would take it over nothing at all.

Sophomore year gave him little to no chance to ask you about your opinion on the band, and junior year rolled by in no time. Insomnia had a performance at the ceremony for the opening of the school year, and his eyesight may be damned, but he couldn’t decipher your facial expression from the stage. He hoped you enjoyed it nevertheless.

Since Insomnia was now considered a somewhat serious band, Taesan didn’t have to go through the ordeal with the paperwork for the music club because they could rehearse in the music rooms as a band, and they didn’t break any rules over the 5-member threshold requirement for clubs. Now they were asked to perform at pretty much every school event, and Taesan enjoyed being busy with the band.

However, after a while, his band members became curious how he had come up with lyrics for their songs, and Yechan was very vocal about his curiosity.

“Dude, I know you say that you get inspiration from movies, books and such, but do you always engage with content where someone pines for the other, but doesn’t dare to confess?” The guitarist inquired once after particular practice, and suddenly, all eyes were on the leader of the band.

Taesan looked at all the boys one by one as if one would start laughing and say ‘you know what’ with a shrug, they can totally believe that Taesan is into such content. Instead, Gyuvin’s lips curled into a knowing smile, something that seemed pretty intimidating at times. Times like that exact moment.

“Wait! What if he’s the one who’s pining for someone?” He wiggled his eyebrows playfully, and Taesan’s defense mechanism kicked in immediately.

“What? No way! I don’t have time for girls.”

“You don’t have to have time for girls. Sometimes, it just happens along the way,” Yechan cooed, and Taesan seriously thought about committing crime and strangling either Yechan or Gyuvin on the spot. Or both of them.

What nonsense! He was most definitely not pining for you, he was just… curious. Curious about you, your opinion on their songs, your favourite flavoured milk, your favourite colour, the exact shade of your eyes from up-close…

Wait, was that what pining for someone meant?

“Leave him be. If it’s a girl at school, we’ll know about it sooner or later either way,” Jungwon shushed the boys, but there was a cunning smile in the corner of his lips, so the band leader wasn’t 100% reassured that they wouldn’t bring up the topic in the future.

They were right though. All of them knew that it was you he had been thinking about after the class trip during summer. He wished it hadn’t been that way, but he managed to walk in on Selina getting mad at you when he volunteered to let you and Selina know that they could come down to the bonfire which was set up on the last night of the trip.

He found the two girls in a corridor inside the hotel, and whilst Selina was with her back to him, he could see you clearly; how your usually calm and composed expression crumbled, how the bright light left your eyes, and he also caught sight of your hands shaking by your side.

“Why can’t you see that it’s been hurting me? You are such a terrible friend! You’ve never felt sorry for me even though I’ve always been a worse student than you. You are so smart, pretty and kind, but can’t you see that you make everyone feel insignificant beside you because of that? That’s why you had only me, because I thought I could tolerate that, but I can’t,” Selina bellowed, and it was just like the day she had gotten mad at Taesan. She could formulate the words so eloquently, the boy would have believed her because there was truth to her words, but since he knew what you were like, he knew that Selina was just being jealous. Instead of saying so, she masked her insecurity with jabbing at you.

Selina only realised that Taesan was there when she spun around and caught sight of him by the elevator. She let out a curse seeing him and ran down the stairs instead of calling the elevator. Taesan could have huffed at her, cursed at her or questioned her behaviour, but instead, he looked at you only.

He watched you take in his features that were free of any judgement, and maybe you hoped that he would just leave. But he couldn’t.

“Are you okay?” He inquired gently, quietly, but also a bit awkwardly because he had no idea if he had any right to ask you after what he had seen and heard. He couldn’t just leave without a word though. Maybe if you had been someone else, he could have willed himself to stay out of it, but you were you…

“Yeah, I’m fine,” you nodded after a few moments of silence, and it hurt for him to see you put on a smile for he knew it was anything but genuine. “What were you trying to say when you came upstairs?”

“Oh, the bonfire is ready. You can come down for dinner,” he responded matter-of-factly, and you thanked him for it in a similar way. He watched you walk away and take the stairs, the sound of your footsteps echoing in his mind for a long time even after you had left.

That’s why he kept gazing in your direction by the bonfire, and that’s why he decided to sit next to you on the bus the next day. He caught sight of Selina taking a seat beside Liv, and he could see that you watched the whole scene yourself. He made a lame excuse of having had enough of his friends’ chattering and didn’t want to speak to anyone during the upcoming bus ride. Then, he acted as if he didn’t see that you were the one whom he sat beside, and put his earphones in, pulling the hood of his oversized hoodie over his face, so that it could cover him while he was pretending to sleep.

In all honesty, he was just hoping that nobody would bother you after the night before, and you could rest a bit. He didn’t even do anything when you dozed off and your head landed on his shoulder. He wasn’t even sure that he would be able to do anything because it seemed just so right.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed this story of mine! Let me know what you think! 😊

Click here for my BND masterlist!

If you want to read more stories of mine, let it be for BOYNEXTDOOR or for other artists, consider signing up for my taglist here. 🥰

Header taken from this WHY Concept Film.

Hope you have a lovely day/night! Take care! ❤️

[lxvsiick]

THE STARS ARE ALL ASLEEP | HAN TAESAN X READER

PAIRING: idol! han taesan x non!idol! fem! reader

SUMMARY: The loss and regret Taesan feels, trying to hold on to the memories of Y/n despite the pain

GENRE: angst, breakup, taesan is kinda an ass, imagine, short story

WORDCOUNT: 5.9k

A/N: ngl, did i procrastinate during my lecture to write this? yes . . . i wrote this after listening to 星星都睡了 by PPlin x Zhen Li -- I'm basically giving you guys song reccs to listen to -- the song is really good!... enjoy the story!

★🎸🎧⋆｡ °⋆

I can take care of myself, you don’t need to keep worrying about me.

I don’t smile anymore.

The clock on the wall ticked away the late hours of the evening as Y/n sat curled up on the couch, her legs tucked beneath her, staring blankly at the TV. She wasn’t really watching, her mind too preoccupied with the events of the day. Work had been a disaster. Her boss had been harsher than usual, throwing out unreasonable demands and critiques that left her feeling drained and upset.

She sighed, glancing at her phone. No messages from Taesan. It wasn’t unusual—he was busy, always on the go with rehearsals, interviews, and performances. Being a famous idol meant long hours and even longer nights. Still, they shared this apartment, and she always tried to stay awake to talk to him when he came home.

Her heart lifted slightly when she heard the soft jingle of keys at the door. The lock clicked, and Taesan stepped inside, his hood pulled low over his face, slumping with exhaustion as he kicked off his shoes. He barely glanced in her direction as he made his way into the living room.

She straightened up on the couch, hoping for just a moment of his attention. “Hey, you’re home,” she greeted softly, forcing a small smile. “How was your day?”

“Long,” he muttered, not meeting her eyes as he walked past, heading straight for the kitchen to grab a drink. His tone was flat, his movements sluggish.

Y/n watched him, her heart sinking. “I had the worst day today,” she said, trying again to start a conversation. “My boss was being such a—”

“Not now,” he interrupted, his voice edged with weariness as he leaned against the counter, rubbing his temples. “I’m tired. I don’t want to talk.”

She froze, the words hanging in the air between them, heavier than she expected. She had been waiting all day to tell him about what happened, hoping he would listen, hoping she could find some comfort in his presence. But his dismissal felt like a slap to the face.

Her throat tightened as she swallowed her emotions. “Oh,” she whispered, her voice barely audible. “Okay.”

The silence stretched out uncomfortably as Taesan took a sip of his drink, still not looking at her. She tried to keep her disappointment from showing, but it was too late. The lump in her throat made it hard to speak, and the weight of the day, combined with his coldness, felt suffocating.

She stood up quietly, wrapping her arms around herself as if to shield against the sudden chill between them. “I’ll... leave you alone, then,” she murmured, backing away toward the bedroom. She didn’t wait for his response. He didn’t offer one.

As she turned, her steps slow and deliberate, her heart ached. This wasn’t how she imagined the night going. She had wanted to vent, to share her frustrations with the one person who mattered most to her. But now, she felt more alone than she had all day.

When she closed the bedroom door behind her, the click sounded louder than usual in the quiet apartment. She sat on the edge of the bed, staring at her hands, wondering if he even noticed how much she needed him right now.

Back in the living room, Taesan let out a deep sigh, closing his eyes as the weight of the day pressed down on him. He hadn’t meant to be so cold, but he was just too tired. Too tired to think, to listen, to be anything but worn out.

But in the silence that followed, something gnawed at him—a faint sense of guilt that he couldn’t quite shake, knowing she had wanted to talk, knowing she had needed him.

And he hadn’t been there.

☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★

I don’t want to think about you all the time.

We tried our hardest to hurt everything between us, and now it’s impossible to repair.

The sun was beginning to set, casting a warm, orange glow over the city streets. Y/n sat on the bench at the bus stop, nervously checking her phone for what felt like the hundredth time. Her heart was filled with a mixture of excitement and impatience—today was supposed to be special. Their anniversary.

Taesan had promised to take her on a date after his interview, a rare moment in their hectic lives where they could celebrate together. She’d dressed up, her heart racing with anticipation, hoping for some time alone with him. But now, as the minutes dragged on, she couldn’t help but feel the growing sense of unease.

She scrolled through her phone again, the unanswered messages staring back at her: "Hey, interview over yet?" "Are you still coming?" "Let me know if you're running late."

No response. No calls. Nothing.

She sighed, biting her lip and glancing down the empty street. The buses came and went, passengers getting on and off, but there was still no sign of him. Her excitement slowly deflated into something more like dread.

A cold breeze picked up, and she pulled her jacket tighter around her. She couldn’t shake the feeling of being stood up, but that couldn’t be true, right? He wouldn’t just forget their anniversary. He wouldn’t break his promise to her.

In an attempt to distract herself, she opened her social media, scrolling absentmindedly through the feed. That’s when she saw it—a post from a fan page featuring Taesan and his group at some event. There he was, smiling and laughing with his bandmates, dressed in an outfit far too formal for just an interview.

Her heart sank. The caption beneath the photo read, "Surprise appearance at the event! BOYNEXTDOOR looking dashing as always."

She stared at the screen, the image of him so happy, so carefree. She felt a knot twist in her chest, anger and sadness mixing together. He wasn’t just late—he had gone somewhere else entirely, without even telling her. He had time for an event but not for their anniversary.

Her fingers hovered over the phone, wanting to call him again, but she knew it wouldn’t change anything. He wasn’t coming.

With a heavy sigh, she stood up, her heart feeling heavier than her feet as she trudged back toward their apartment. Her phone buzzed in her pocket, but she ignored it, knowing it wasn’t from him.

The walk back felt longer than usual, her mind replaying the excitement she’d felt that morning—how she’d looked forward to tonight, how she’d thought this anniversary would be a rare moment where they could be like any other couple. But instead, she was left alone, walking home in the dim light, her hands stuffed in her pockets to keep warm.

Finally, she reached the front door of their apartment building. Pausing for a moment, she glanced back at the empty street, a small part of her still hoping to see him running toward her, apologizing for being late. But the street remained empty, quiet, just like the unanswered messages on her phone.

With a deep breath, she entered the building and climbed the stairs to their apartment. As she unlocked the door and stepped inside, the stillness of the apartment felt colder than the air outside. No flowers, no candles, no sign that today was any different from any other day.

She sank onto the couch, staring blankly at the wall, the weight of disappointment settling in her chest like a stone. All she wanted was to be with him, to feel like she mattered, like they mattered. But tonight, she felt more alone than ever.

☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★

You never cared about trying to get my forgiveness.

Don’t let us be covered in scars.

The apartment was quiet, save for the soft hum of the city outside. Y/n sat on the couch, her knees pulled to her chest, hugging a small black cat stuffed animal that Taesan had won for her on one of their early dates. Her eyes were red-rimmed, tears brimming but not falling. She stared blankly at her phone, an article open on the screen, the words blurring in front of her.

The jingle of keys at the door signaled his arrival. The door creaked open, and Taesan stepped in, exhaustion heavy in his posture. He looked worn from the day, his hair disheveled, still in his stage clothes. He let out a deep sigh as he kicked off his shoes, glancing toward her, not immediately noticing the tension in the air.

"Hey," he mumbled, running a hand through his hair. "I'm home."

Y/n didn’t respond, her gaze locked on him, her lips pressed into a thin line as she clutched the stuffed animal tighter. Her chest ached with the weight of everything unsaid.

He finally noticed her silence, his eyes narrowing in concern. "What’s wrong?" he asked, his voice more annoyed than gentle. He was too tired for this—whatever this was.

She didn’t speak at first, just held out her phone toward him, the screen illuminating her tear-filled eyes. He frowned, walking over to take it from her hand. When he looked at the screen, his expression immediately shifted.

It was a news article—another baseless rumor. His name splashed across the headline alongside another female idol, the two of them speculated to be in a relationship. There were photos from a backstage event, carefully cropped and captioned to imply intimacy where none existed.

He groaned, already dreading the conversation. "You’ve got to be kidding me," he muttered under his breath, tossing the phone onto the coffee table.

"Is this why you’re never around anymore?" Y/n finally spoke, her voice small but laced with hurt. Her eyes, shining with unshed tears, held a mixture of frustration, sadness, and fear. "Because of her?"

His jaw clenched, frustration quickly overtaking his fatigue. "What? No. It’s just a rumor," he snapped, throwing his hands up. "You really believe that crap? I told you not to pay attention to those things."

"But you’re never here anymore!" Her voice cracked as she stood up, still hugging the stuffed cat to her chest. "You’re always too busy, too tired, or too... distant. And then I see this and—" She broke off, shaking her head, tears spilling over now. "How am I supposed to feel? Am I supposed to just ignore it when you’re gone all the time?"

"I’m working!" he fired back, the anger rising in his chest. "I’m busting my ass for this career, for us—but you’re here, worried about some stupid tabloid story? Where’s the trust?"

"Trust?" she repeated, incredulous. "How can I trust you when you don’t even talk to me anymore? When you don’t make time for me at all? Do you even care about this relationship?"

Her words cut deep, but his frustration was too overwhelming to process the hurt beneath them. "Of course I care! But you’re suffocating me with all these doubts. Every time I come home, it’s something like this. You worry too much."

"I worry because I care!" Her voice broke, raw with emotion. "Because I love you, and I feel like I’m losing you—like you’re slipping away and I can’t do anything about it."

The silence that followed was deafening. They stood there, staring at each other, both breathing heavily from the intensity of the argument.

Taesan rubbed his temples, his voice lowering but still tense. "This is ridiculous. It’s just a rumor. I’m tired, and I don’t want to do this right now."

"You never want to do this," she whispered, her voice barely audible. She wiped her tears with the back of her hand, her chest heaving as she tried to control the sobs threatening to spill over. "Fine."

With a quiet, bitter laugh, she turned and walked toward their bedroom. "I’m done with this conversation. Go sleep at your dorm or wherever it is you’d rather be."

His eyes followed her as she disappeared down the hallway, her door closing softly behind her, though the emotional slam still reverberated through him.

He stood there for a long moment, his anger simmering down into guilt, exhaustion pulling at him from all sides. He didn’t want to fight, but it always seemed to end up this way. They always ended up like this—torn apart by his career, by misunderstandings, by everything he didn’t have time to fix.

With a heavy sigh, Taesan grabbed his jacket and keys, heading back toward the door. The silence of the apartment felt unbearable now.

As he stepped out into the cold night air, he shoved his hands into his pockets and walked toward his group’s dorm, his mind filled with everything left unsaid, wondering how they had come to this.

☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★

When the stars in the sky all sleep, I feel so dark, my body feels inexplicably cold

The night air was heavy, thick with a silence that seemed to press down on everything. The small park near their apartment was a place once filled with memories—their late-night walks, quiet conversations, stolen moments—but now it felt distant, like something from another lifetime.

Taesan stood at the edge of the path, hands shoved deep into his pockets, his breath visible in the cool air. He hadn’t been back here in weeks, not since he’d started staying at his group’s dorm. It felt strange now, almost foreign.

His eyes shifted as he saw Y/n approaching slowly from the other side of the park. His heart clenched at the sight of her, though he couldn’t quite place why. She looked…different. Her face was pale, her eyes hollow, the dark bags beneath them evident even in the dim light. The spark, the warmth he always loved in her eyes, was gone. She looked like someone who had been carrying the weight of the world for too long.

She stopped a few steps away from him, the space between them feeling like a chasm.

“What did you want to talk about?” he asked, his voice quiet but carrying an edge of tension. He already had a sinking feeling in his chest, but he wasn’t ready to confront it.

Y/n looked at him for a long moment, her lips parting as if to speak, but no words came out at first. She shifted her weight, wrapping her arms around herself like she was trying to hold herself together.

"I’m tired," she finally said, her voice flat, void of emotion. "I’m tired of waiting for you. Of waiting for us to feel like it used to." Her eyes met his, and the emptiness in them hit him like a punch to the gut. "I can’t keep doing this."

His heart stuttered in his chest, but he didn’t say anything. He just stared at her, trying to process her words, hoping this wasn’t what he thought it was.

“I’m done,” she continued, her voice firmer this time, as if she had rehearsed these words over and over in her head before finally saying them. “I don’t want to have to keep waiting on you, waiting for something to change. I feel like I’m always waiting.”

The silence between them was unbearable now, but he couldn’t find the right words to say. His throat felt tight, like any response he tried to form would only come out broken.

She wasn’t crying—there were no tears. She wasn’t angry. Just…done. It made it worse somehow. He would’ve preferred her to scream at him, to be angry, to throw something, but this quiet resignation was shattering him in a way he hadn’t expected.

“You’re not the same,” she whispered, her voice barely audible but sharp enough to cut through the air between them. "I don’t recognize you anymore. And I know you’re tired too. Tired of me, of this... You don’t need to say it. I can see it every time you walk out the door and don’t come back until late or not at all."

He wanted to protest, to tell her she was wrong, that things could be different, but the words wouldn’t come. Maybe because a part of him knew she was right. He hadn’t been present—not really. His career had consumed him, and in the process, he had let her slip away. He let them slip away.

She let out a shaky breath, her eyes momentarily glancing down at the ground before meeting his gaze again. "I loved you," she said softly. "I still do, but I can’t keep holding onto something that’s already gone."

His chest tightened painfully, and he took a small step forward, as if to reach for her, but stopped himself. He didn’t know how to fix this. He didn’t even know if he could.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, though it was unclear if she was apologizing to him or to herself.

And then, she turned around, her figure illuminated only by the faint glow of the park’s streetlights. She didn’t run. She didn’t storm off. She just walked away, her back to him, her shoulders slightly hunched as if the weight of everything was too much to bear.

He stood there, frozen in place, his heart breaking with every step she took. His mouth opened, but no words came out. He could only watch as she walked further and further away, her silhouette fading into the distance until she was nothing more than a distant memory in the night.

The cold settled into his bones, but he didn’t move. He couldn’t. He felt numb, like everything inside him had shattered and there was nothing left but the aching emptiness where she used to be. The night stretched on, and the only sound that filled the silence was the faint rustling of leaves in the wind, as the world around him continued on, unaware that his had just fallen apart.

☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★

I don’t need the hottest and best car.

I don’t need to be the best pop star.

I want to express myself, but I messed up.

What’s there to lose! My heart’s already half empty.

The studio’s lights were harsh, reflecting off the mirrors that lined the walls. The steady beat of the music thumped through the room, filling the space with energy, but Taesan’s movements felt sluggish, disconnected from the rhythm. He was usually so precise, so in sync with the choreography, but today he couldn’t seem to get it right.

"Again," the instructor called out, clapping their hands sharply, frustration seeping into their voice. "You’re off, Taesan. Focus."

He nodded, wiping the sweat from his brow, though it felt like the sweat wasn’t the problem—it was the weight pressing on his chest. They started the routine again, but halfway through, his steps faltered. His foot missed the mark, his body off-beat. He felt his group members glance at him in concern, but he kept his head down, trying to push through.

"Stop!" the instructor barked, cutting the music abruptly. "Take five. Taesan, get it together."

He didn’t respond, just stood there, panting, his hands on his knees. The others slowly moved to the sides of the room to grab water or stretch. Taesan didn’t move. His mind was spinning, but not about the dance. His thoughts kept drifting to her—Y/n. The look on her face when she walked away, the sound of her voice when she said she was done, the quiet resignation in her eyes. It haunted him.

It was all he could think about.

He pressed his palms against his eyes, trying to clear his head, but it was no use. The more he tried to shake it off, the more the memories flooded back. The last argument, the tension that had been building for months, how he had shrugged her off when she needed him most.

“Hey, man. You good?” Jaehyun asked, cautiously approaching him with a bottle of water in hand.

Taesan shook his head slightly, forcing a deep breath. “I’m fine,” he muttered, though the tightness in his voice said otherwise.

“You’re not,” Leehan said bluntly, walking over with the rest of the group. "You’ve been off all day. What’s going on?"

He opened his mouth to respond with something dismissive, something to brush them off like he always did when things got too personal, but this time, he couldn’t. His chest ached too much. The guilt, the regret—it was all bubbling up inside him, and he couldn’t keep it down any longer.

“I—” His voice cracked, and he quickly looked away, swallowing hard. He hated this. Hated feeling this vulnerable, especially in front of them.

His group members exchanged glances, clearly worried.

“I miss her,” he finally whispered, barely audible.

“What?” Riwoo leaned in closer, frowning.

“I miss her,” he repeated, louder this time, though his voice wavered. “I miss Y/n… so much.”

The room fell into a heavy silence, the usual energy drained as his words settled in.

“I screwed up,” he said, his hands trembling slightly as he raked them through his hair. “I didn’t realize what I had until she was gone. And now—” He paused, his throat tightening, the memories of their breakup flashing in his mind. “Now it’s too late. I hurt her, I wasn’t there when she needed me, and she left. I don’t blame her.”

His eyes burned, but he refused to let the tears fall. Not here. Not in front of them.

“I regret everything,” he admitted, his voice strained, raw. “Everything that led to us falling apart. I pushed her away, I was so wrapped up in my own life that I didn’t see how much I was losing her.” His hand clenched into a fist. "I thought I could balance everything, but… I couldn’t. I failed her.”

His group members stood in stunned silence. Taesan was always the one who kept things together, the one who didn’t let his emotions get the better of him. Seeing him like this, so vulnerable, so broken, was a shock.

“I don’t know how to fix it,” he continued, his voice barely above a whisper now. “I don’t think I can. She’s done with me, and I can’t blame her. I’ve been a terrible boyfriend… and a terrible person.”

Sungho stepped closer, resting a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, man, don’t say that.”

“It’s the truth,” he said bitterly, looking down at the floor. “I still love her. I never stopped. But she’s gone, and it’s all my fault.”

“You’re human, Taesan hyung,” Woonhak said, his tone gentle. “People make mistakes.”

“Not like this,” Taesan muttered, shaking his head. “She waited for me. She was patient, and I took her for granted. I should’ve been there for her.”

His group members shared worried glances, unsure of what to say. They had never seen him like this—so lost, so regretful.

“It’s not too late,” Jaehyun offered hesitantly. “You can still reach out to her, talk to her—”

“She’s done with me,” Taesan interrupted, his voice flat. “She said she’s tired of waiting, and I can’t blame her. I would’ve left me too.”

He slumped down onto the floor, leaning against the mirrored wall, his head in his hands. The silence stretched on for what felt like forever, the only sound being the faint hum of the air conditioning in the studio.

His group members sat down around him, unsure of how to help, but unwilling to leave him alone. They could see how much pain he was in, and it hurt to see their usually composed, confident friend in pieces like this.

“I’m sorry,” Taesan whispered again, more to himself than anyone else. "I’m so sorry, Y/n."

And for the first time in a long time, he let the tears fall.

☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★

Through the whole night, you’re no longer in my sight.

Maybe everyone feels the same, but time goes by too fast.

The air backstage was charged with excitement, a low hum of activity as the staff rushed around making final preparations. Taesan sat quietly in a corner, his hands resting on his lap, staring at the floor as the muffled cheers of the crowd reached his ears. The energy of the arena was palpable, but inside, he felt a familiar weight pressing down on his chest.

It had been a few months since the breakup. Since the day she’d said she was done. He hadn’t realized how hard it would hit him—how much he’d miss her. Even now, the thought of her still tugged at his heart, the hurt still raw even though time had passed.

"Taesan, you good?" Sungho asked, breaking through his thoughts as they finished a huddle nearby.

He glanced up, forcing a small smile. "Yeah, I’m fine."

They’d asked him that a lot lately, and every time he said the same thing. He had to be fine. He had no other choice. Being an idol meant putting on a perfect face, no matter what was going on behind the scenes. It was all part of the job, and he owed it to his fans to give them everything he had. But the truth was, no matter how much time passed, she never really left his mind.

A staff member approached, headset in place, clipboard in hand. "Five minutes until showtime."

His group gave a collective nod, standing up to stretch and prepare. Taesan rose to his feet, brushing off his outfit, and took a deep breath. He could feel the adrenaline starting to build, the anticipation of the stage waiting for him. This was his world now—his stage, his music, his fans. He had to focus on that.

But as his mind drifted back to her—her smile, the sound of her laugh, the way she used to wait up for him—his chest tightened again. The ache that hadn’t fully healed throbbed beneath the surface, a constant reminder of what he’d lost.

"Focus," he whispered to himself, closing his eyes for a moment. He couldn’t let this affect him now. Not here. Not when the world was watching.

The fans were already screaming, chanting their names, and he knew the second he stepped onto that stage, he had to be the idol they all adored—the one who smiled for them, who gave them his all, no matter what was happening in his personal life.

A deep breath. He opened his eyes as the staff gave the signal.

“It’s time,” one of his group members said, nudging him gently. "Let’s go."

He nodded, shaking off the last traces of his wandering thoughts. Putting on his best smile—the smile that had charmed millions—he stepped in line with his group as they prepared to walk onto the stage.

The music swelled through the speakers, and the moment the curtains parted, a wave of sound crashed over them. The roar of the crowd, the flashing lights, the sea of fans waving lightsticks—it was everything he’d worked for, everything he loved.

He couldn’t let them down.

As they walked out, the fans’ cheers grew louder, the energy electric. He felt it surge through him, pushing the heaviness of his emotions to the back of his mind. The stage was where he belonged, and for now, that had to be enough.

But even as he smiled, danced, and sang, giving his all to the performance, a part of him still carried her with him—her memory, her absence. He knew he had to move on, but it wasn’t that simple. She had been a part of him for so long, and the love he had for her didn’t just disappear. He was still learning how to live with that ache.

As the music thumped in his ears and the fans sang along to every word, he forced himself to be present, to let the performance carry him. But every now and then, between the beats, he could feel her shadow lingering in the back of his mind.

And when the concert was over, and the adrenaline faded, he knew she’d be there waiting in the back of his mind—just as she always had been.

☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★

Finally, the wounds have scabbed over, but am I still thinking about it?

The room was dimly lit by the slivers of moonlight that slipped through the half-drawn blinds. The quiet hum of the air conditioner was the only sound breaking the silence of the night. Taesan lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling with a contemplative expression. The shadows cast by the moonlight danced across the walls, but his focus remained on the blank expanse above him.

He was in his shared dorm room with Woonhak, who was already fast asleep, snoring softly. Taesan had been lying awake for hours, his mind racing through thoughts he couldn’t seem to quiet.

It had been five months since the breakup. He had made significant progress—he wasn’t as heartbroken as he once was, and his days were filled with the busyness of his idol life. But despite all that, thoughts of Y/n still occupied a corner of his mind.

He wondered about her often. What was she doing now? Was she happier without him? Was she moving on with her life, creating new memories, and finding joy in things that didn’t include him? The questions lingered, and even though he tried to push them away, they always seemed to return.

He remembered their last conversation, the look in her eyes when she had ended things. It wasn’t anger or resentment but a calm, resolute sadness. He had always wished he could go back and fix things, do better, be the person she deserved.

Turning his head slightly, he glanced over at the small bedside clock—it was well past midnight. He sighed, running a hand through his hair as he shifted uncomfortably. The ache of missing her wasn’t as sharp as it once was, but it was still there, a gentle, persistent throb that reminded him of the love they had shared.

He recalled the little moments they had—walking in the park, sharing secrets, the way she used to laugh at his jokes, the sparkle in her eyes when she listened to his songs. Those memories were bittersweet now, tinged with the sadness of knowing that those times were in the past.

He wondered if she ever thought about him. Did she ever look back and remember the good times? Did she ever miss him, even just a little? The curiosity gnawed at him, but he didn’t have any answers. He had made the decision to give her space, to let her heal and move on, but it didn’t make the longing any easier.

He closed his eyes, imagining what it would be like to see her again, to talk to her, to hear her voice. He hoped that wherever she was, she was happy. He hoped she had found the peace and joy that they both deserved.

As he lay there, the weight of his thoughts became a little heavier. He had learned to live with the separation, to accept it as part of his journey, but that didn’t mean it was easy. The nights like these were the hardest—when the world was quiet, and the only thing he had was the memory of what once was.

Eventually, he forced himself to turn away from the ceiling, pulling the covers closer as he tried to settle into a more comfortable position. It was a futile attempt to silence his racing mind, but he knew that some things would take time to fully resolve.

For now, he would focus on his work, on the present, and try to hold onto the hope that things would get better. And maybe, just maybe, someday he would get the closure he needed. Until then, he would carry on, living his life while cherishing the memories of what they once had.

He finally drifted off to sleep, the thoughts of her slowly fading into the background, though never completely out of reach.

☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★

I realize I can live without you, but I once decided to grow old with you.

How much loneliness and struggle remain pierced in my heart.

The crisp autumn air was cool against his skin as Taesan and his group members strolled down the street. Their faces were concealed behind masks and sunglasses, a necessary precaution to avoid being recognized. Despite their disguises, the atmosphere was relaxed, and they enjoyed the rare chance to go out incognito.

They chatted casually, their conversation punctuated by laughter as they approached a quaint café they had heard good things about. The cozy little place had a warm glow that contrasted with the chilly evening air.

As they reached the entrance, Taesan was the last to go inside. Just as he was about to cross the threshold, the door swung open and someone bumped into him.

Startled, he looked down, his heart skipping a beat when he saw who it was.

It was her. Y/n.

She looked different—brighter, happier. Her hair was shorter, framing her face in a way that seemed to enhance her natural beauty. And her eyes—those eyes that used to be so full of sadness—were now sparkling with a joy he hadn’t seen in a long time.

They locked eyes for a split second, and he felt a pang of something he couldn’t quite place—hope, regret, longing. He stood frozen, caught between the urge to speak and the overwhelming surge of emotions.

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” she exclaimed, her voice warm and apologetic as she quickly stepped back. She didn’t seem to recognize him, her focus more on the minor collision than on the person she bumped into.

“No problem,” he managed to say, his voice barely above a whisper.

She flashed him a quick, polite smile before turning and walking away, her figure gradually diminishing as she moved down the street.

Taesan stood there, watching her retreat, his heart pounding. The moment felt surreal—seeing her like this, so changed, so content. It was as if the universe had given him one more chance to make things right, and he wasn’t sure if he should let it slip away.

“Hey, what’s taking you so long?” Riwoo called out from inside the café. “Let’s go!”

Still reeling from the encounter, Taesan snapped back to reality. He turned towards the café, where his friends waited, but something inside him urged him to follow her—to find out if this new version of her was truly as happy as she seemed.

Without a word, he pulled his mask and glasses off and turned on his heel, rushing out of the café. His group members called after him, confusion evident in their voices, but he ignored them, his focus entirely on the woman who had just walked away.

He sprinted down the street, glancing around, his heart racing as he searched for any sign of her. The sight of her figure, walking away with a spring in her step, seemed to guide him forward, pushing him to bridge the gap that had grown between them.

Every step felt heavy with anticipation, each breath a mix of excitement and anxiety. He didn’t know what he’d say or what he hoped to find, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that this was a chance he couldn’t let slip by.

Finally, he spotted her again, standing on the corner, waiting for a bus. With a deep breath, he approached, trying to steady his racing heart.

“Y/n!” he called out, trying to keep his voice calm and steady.

She turned, a look of surprise crossing her face as she recognized the urgency in his voice. Her eyes widened as they met his, and for a moment, time seemed to stand still. Everything around them seemed to disappear and it was only them there. Y/n’s look of surprise turns into a smile, her sparkling eyes meeting him.

“Hi.”

★🎸🎧⋆｡ °⋆

PART TWO VER.1 -- VER.2 | MASTERLIST

© ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, lxvsiick, 2024

[gluion]

places we won’t walk — taesan

han taesan x reader

genre & warnings — smau, exes, angst, fluff, slight crack, an undeniable down-bad-in-the-trenches reader paired with an emotionally constipated taesan who both cannot move on, switching between past and present conversations, pov switching notes — gluion smau writer debut? (i was known to write smau on twt LMFAO) anyway, going an angst smau to keep me alive as i write zb1 tbou. as always, reblogs and feedback are appreciated!

started: november 8, 2024, updates sporadic ended: tba request to be part of the taglist! masterlist

synopsis — although you and taesan try to stay civil with each other, there’s undeniable tension between you two in every conversation. and somehow, you remember why it's not advised to date someone in the same friendgroup as you.

(or in other words, the conversations you and taesan shared since the break up.)

profiles — the three bears and the struggling artists

prologue — the night it happened chapter i — cat’s out of the bag chapter ii — curiosity didn’t give a chance to kill the cat chapter iii — a type of unknown faith chapter iv — does the bear hate the cat? chapter v — the cat still cares chapter vi —

more coming soon

networks taglist: @kflixnet @k-labels @blankjournal @onedoornet @kstrucknet

story tag list: @tkooooop @prettyange1 @zynz0 @love-4-keum @taylorluvation

@vernyangel @cherrytaesan @prettiann @kaiyunsim @wonshuasdandan

@tsanho @cecemars @blooqz @mimimimiaa

[wontune]

pode fazer algumas locks do taesan (boynextdoor) ?? obrigadaa

𝜗ৎ ♡ taesan ( boynextdoor ) lockscreens !

[unhakzlvr]

── 𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐍𝐀𝐏𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐓𝐒 | han taesan

SYNOPSIS: You hate Taesan. You hate his stupid hair, his stupid laugh, his stupid band, and his stupid attitude. Of course you didn't always think this way, when he first approached you to help him advertise his band you were more than happy to help out considering the fact that you harboured a massive crush on him, and you thought feelings were reciprocated on his end too. But following a misunderstanding you now find yourself having to spend 2 months together working on promoting his new band all whilst fighting the urge to strangle him. But as summer goes on you realise, maybe you do have a soft spot for taesan.

PAIRINGS: band leader!taesan x photographer!female reader GENRE: smau + written e2l miscommunication trope WARNINGS: eji from ichillin as YN face claim, cursing, kys/kms jokes, future warnings will be added on in each chapter!

PLEASE DO NOT SPAM LIKE! spam liking rules still apply for smaus so please do rb instead of spam liking TT I don't want to be shadowbanned !!

back to masterlist!

profiles : DA BIG 6 | rawr xd club

CHAPTERS | titles are subject to change #01 ── in this band shit for life #02 ── #needthat #03 ── don’t fumble challenge go! #04 ── oopsie 🌼 #05 ── ijbol moment #06 ── dniym??? #07 ── freak my stupid baka life . . . tba

taglist ── open ! send an ask or comment to be added ^^

@downmainstreet @honniebabez @nujeskz @snoozbin @lovaeri @onlyhyunjin @shoberi @sainns @yujinify @haechology @5ofclubs @jlheon @woorcve @love-4-keum @molensworld @minjify @cherrytaesan @film-sea @tkooooop @astrae4 @amarecerasus @noodlesfeet @rikisluv

networks- @onedoornet

word from wam 🗯️ errr first smau lolsies, ik i have barely any followers here but this is for mainly for me bc i have had this idea rotting in my mind for decades ijbol. also the header is ugly but its my first time using photoshop pls let a girl live....

[taesanrot]

[moved on] fwb!taesan x f!reader | 0.7k words shorter drabble inspired by the song moved on by laundry day!

my heart is saying things my mind just cannot speak ... i don't know what is wrong with me

taesan was an avoidant. he was good at ignoring things, pushing away the elephant in the room and pretending he doesn't care, that it couldn't bother him any less. he was good at ignoring the way your glances at him grew longer and fonder. he was even better at ignoring the way your doe eyes and soft hair made his heart race and stomach turn.

i'm clinging onto you just like i cannot breathe ... i don't know what is wrong with me

he knew it hurt you and he hated himself for it. you two had agreed to keep things between the two of you casual, seeking comfort in each others' touch in the late hours of the weekend and barely speaking the days in between. at the time it started, taesan's fleeting presence filled you up, bringing you out of the emotional trenches school had sent you into.

maybе I'm the problem saying this is alright ... am i coming on too strong?

that was your first mistake -- you should've known you were setting yourself up for failure right then and there. letting the raven haired boy light up your day with a simple stroke of his hand against your cheek; your heart never stood a chance against the curse of time.

please make sure you call, just to say it's alright ... am i waking you all night?

as the days passed, it was taesan who became the reason you ached on late nights. staring at your still unread message, you wondered why things were like this. the boy's actions twisted your mind in ways he'd never know. at times like this your mind flashed back to the way he was after the sun had set, when it was just the two of you in your own world.

we get together but things might just be better if we moved on

the way his warm lips felt against your neck, the way his fingers burned into your skin, it was all imprinted on your mind. the moments you two shared felt so intimate, and they replayed in your mind over and over like a broken record.

turning around under your heavy blanket for the tenth time that night, you screwed your eyes shut as more and more memories invaded your mind and dreams.

the two of you had been watching a movie, your head laying on his chest and his hand rubbing your shoulder softly. eyes trained on your laptop, you almost missed taesan’s face in your peripheral vision, peeking over at you. he had a habit of doing this — you always assumed he was simply checking if you were awake. you always stayed silent, just smiling and blinking delicately at him.

“i’m awake, san” you don’t know what made you blurt out defensively, but taesan shook his head softly at your words.

“i know, i was just looking at you.” your stomach still turns at the thought of the smile he was adorning as those words fell from his pretty lips.

his fond smile only looked wicked to you now, his words singing your skin and burning your resolve. how could he say all of that without feeling a single thing? you thought to yourself bitterly.

am i giving you up? ... changing seasons, can't believe it now i'm leaving you

sometimes taesan too thought he was insane. it stung to think about the sweet things he'd said or done to you -- it scared him how he meant it all completely. the boy didn't know what was wrong with him, why he couldn't just let the two of you be happy and togehter. he felt like a speed bump in the road, stubbornly and selfishly guarding his heart at the expense of your fragile mind.

hindsight is 20/20, and sitting alone in his cold and you-less bed, taesan knows what he should've done and said to you, what was staring him in the face this whole time. he was utterly in love with you and he didn't even realize.

bitterly, he pulls his phone out of his pocket and reads over your last text to him again.

[2:47 a.m]

y/n: i can't keep doing this anymore. i'm sorry, let's stop seeing each other.

you have been blocked by this number!

[2amriize]

.ᐟ taesan oneshot: i don't love you ༉‧₊˚.

req: hi if ur requests are open can you write about taesan boynextdoor rejecting the reader? love me some angst fr

pairing: taesan x reader — masterlist

Taesan and you had started talking a few months ago because of a keychain you had on your backpack from a band you both liked. From the start, he had caught your attention with his style and the way he treated you. Since then, you'd been messaging each other every day, sharing songs, and even swapping playlists.

Little by little, you felt the bond between you growing stronger, and you became much more comfortable with each other. And, to be honest, you started developing deeper feelings for him. For some reason, you always hoped he would confess first, as it was something you’d always dreamed of, but that moment never seemed to come.

Your patience was wearing thin. Maybe he was just too shy to confess his feelings, right? After much thought, you decided it was best if you were the one to confess.

It happened one day while you were heading home after university. The two of you were sitting side by side on the bus, sharing a pair of earbuds. Fortunately, there weren’t many people around, so you decided it was the perfect moment to confess.

You turned to him, seeing that he was looking out the window, and started to speak.

"Taesan, I... I like you."

The boy turned upon hearing something but quickly removed his earbud. "Huh? Did you say something, y/n?"

"Yeah, I said that... I like you. I've liked you for a while now..."

As you spoke, you looked down at your hands nervously, waiting for a response. But the only sound you heard was the music still playing through the earbuds. You looked up to find Taesan staring at you with an expression that was a mix of regret and confusion. He seemed like he was about to say something but remained silent for a few more moments until he finally spoke.

"I'm sorry, y/n, but I... I don't feel the same way about you."

You were stunned at his words. Did you hear that right? Had you misinterpreted his actions? You felt utterly confused, but more than that, completely embarrassed.

"I'm sorry if I did anything to make you think that..."

"It’s fine, Taesan. Don’t worry about it," you cut him off as you removed your earbud and stood up, getting off the bus at the next stop.

[serejae]

WE’RE TALLER IN OTHER DIMENSIONS….right? | H.TS

IN WHICH…your ex comes back in town, and with that the memories come back too

GENRE…angst @onedoornet

pairing…taesan x reader

warnings, none :)

[snooyaki]

𓂃.ᐟ 𖦹 MOTH TO A FLAME

paring ୨୧ : taesan x female reader

genre ୨୧ : angst

warnings ୨୧ : taesan is an ass, alcohol, aggressive makeout, cussing

wc ୨୧ : 2669

a/n : im back w a taesan fic FINALLYYY!! pls listen to this song while reading!! moth to a flame by the weeknd is what inspired me! hope u all enjoy 💋

all your friends say hes the one, his love for you is true.

SHE COULD NOT STOP thinking about the way his hands cupped her face, smashing his soft plush lips against hers as they kissed roughly to the point it left her lips all swollen and bruised the next morning.

or the feeling of his fingertips grazing over her waist before giving it a tight squeeze as he pressed her up against the wall, nipping at the thin skin of her neck.

god, y/n could think about him all day long.

“y/n! you should totally go for him!”

y/n snapped out of her daydreams, her eyes trailing from the wall, to her friend who sat in front of her. the girl blinked a few times, realization slowly hitting her.

she had just dozed off for the third time that day. she needed to get a hold of herself.

y/n rubbed the nape of her neck with a soft embarrassed chuckle, tilting her head to the side with slight shame.

“sorry … what are we talking about again..?”

wonyoung groaned as she rolled her eyes in annoyance. “hellooo, we’re talking about myeong jaehyun!” she reminded, her lips pouted slightly as she frowned at you not listening to her.

right, the upperyear myeong jaehyun. the captain of the soccer team and the school’s sweetheart. y/n’s friends had been trying hard to set the two up after finding out that jaehyun had just a little crush on you, a little meaning a lot.

you were pretty, kind, and lit up a room with your warm smile. how could myeong jaehyun not fall for a girl like you?

despite all the attention she received at school, she showed no interest in any of the boys around her. sure jaehyun was good looking, played soccer, and had such a good personality, but y/n showed little to no interest in the soccer boy. the girl’s friends had always wondered why, but never wondered because of who.

“he obviously likes you y/n, why dont you just give it a shot?” minji piped in, finally lifting her nose out of her book she had been hooked on for days.

y/n shook her head with a sigh, reaching into her bag to bring out the compact mirror she planned on using to make herself look “busy”.

“im not interested in myeong jaehyun.” you stated, staring at the three girls surrounding you before opening up your mirror as your eyes scanned your face.

the lipstain was rubbing off, slightly revealing your bruised lips. y/n had decided to wear a darker plum coloured lip shade in attempts to hide the bruising. it seemed to be doing a good job considering none of her friends had noticed. at least the concealer covering your dark hickey was holding up.

“but y/nnn! myeong jaehyun is so good for you, hes perfect!” sullyoon beamed excitedly, her eyes watching as you swipe the soft applicator across your bottom lip while concentrating on your reflection in the mirror.

“cant talk, busy.” you mutter, causing all three girls to let out an exasperated groan.

“myeong jaehyun huh? i agree.”

y/n knit her eyes brows as she gazed up, only wishing she hadnt. it wasn’t odd for him to show up whenever y/n was hanging out with her friends. his best friends, jungwon and leehan, were friends with hers, wonyoung and sullyoon. but no matter how many times she could see him in a day, she would always be taken by surprise.

“see, even jungwon agrees.” minji sighed, shaking her head as the three boys came to sit with the girls.

y/n felt a shiver go down her spine seeing him take a seat diagonally across from her, fighting every urge she had to not look his way.

“jaehyun is a good guy, right taesan?”

leehan nudged his friends shoulder to get his attention, watching as the boy shrugged his shoulders with a disinterested nod. “hes alright.”

“y/n, hey!”

speak of the devil.

the group look up to be met with none other than a smiling myeong jaehyun, whos attention was all on you. it took your friends everything in them to not stop squealing, hitting each other in excitement.

y/n smiled lightly back at the male, slowly scooting down in her seat to make room for the other. “hi jaehyun, no soccer practice today?” you question as the male takes a seat next to you happily.

jaehyun shakes his head like an obedient puppy, gazing at you with nothing but love in his eyes. “not today, i thought id come see you.” he chuckled, as you lightly smile in response.

“so cute ….” wonyoung whispered to minji next to her as they fangirled at the sight of you two together.

no one seemed to notice the smirk playing over taesans lips, as he watched you and jaehyun interact closely, and carefully.

no one seemed to notice but you.

ೀ

but does he know you call me when he sleeps?

“so, myeong jaehyun huh?”

you roll his eyes at the mention of his name, running a hand through your hair as you flipped onto your stomach, laying on the bed with your feet in the air.

“dont mention his name, taesan.” the girl sighed, resting her chin against the palm of her hand.

you could hear taesans sinister chuckle on the other side of the line. you can just see the stupid smirk he has on his face.

“why? i wanna talk about it.” taesan hummed in response.

“does he know about me?”

y/n shook her head with a light huff. in all honesty, you were a bit upset at taesan. y/n didn’t know why or how she ended up on the phone with him at 1:16 am. but thats how every night went. well, those nights they werent together.

but does he know the pictures that you keep?

y/n had been spending her night peacefully on her bed, soft music playing from her speakers as she scrolled through her phone aimlessly, before finding herself going through her photos. more specifically, the photos you and taesan had taken together the morning after a steamy night. all bundled in your bedsheets, naked, and holding each other close.

thats how you found your way to the phone app, pressing on taesans contact.

in all honesty, you were upset at him after finding him in the washroom of a party kissing another girl. after catching him you two broke out in a huge fight. its not the first time it had happened. you two were nothing but friends with benefits. but of course, as always someone catches feelings within that relationship. that someone was you.

“im not talking about this with you taesan.” you reply shortly, and bluntly. taesan could tell you were upset.

“are you still upset?” taesan questioned in a taunting and irritated tone. that was enough to get you all riled up again.

“i dont know, you tell me.” she spat viciously, hearing a scoff coming from the male on the other line.

“oh dont start-“

“you were supposed to be with me that night!” you shouted at him, your hands catching a hold on one of your stuffed animals as you squeezed it to your chest for comfort, sitting up from your laid position before taking a deep breath, “but no, like the dick you are you just had to be fucking another girl when you told me you would stick by me that night- you know what i dont know why i trusted you. this always fucking happens with you!!” y/n finally concluded, feeling herself get choked up with tears at the end.

but does he know the reasons that you cry?

you were crying again. crying all because of han taesan.

“the fuck did i tell you that night, y/n?” taesan spat, causing you to almost flinch from the venom dripping from his voice.

“stop acting like we’re dating.”

y/n held her breath at his words. right. they weren’t dating. she had somehow forgot that when spilling out her emotions just now.

“youre really fucking annoying, you know that? god. we arent even dating and you’re just so suffocating.” taesan groaned.

his words hit her like a stone. tears were spilling from her eyes as she tried her best to keep quiet. she could not let han taesan hear her cry, although she knew he knew.

“we’re over taesan. i fucking mean it.” your shaky voice concluded. you couldnt take it anymore. you needed to be free from satan himself.

“baby, there wasnt even a beginning to start with.”

“go to hell.” you growled, ready to just hang up the phone before taesan had spoke, causing you to pause in your tracks.

“no matter how much love he gives you, you’ll always come back.” taesans voice spoke eerily, causing you to run a hand through your hair frustratedly, a sniffle coming from you as you continued to silently sob.

you knew it was true.

“you’ll never escape me.”

ೀ

buzz, buzz, buzz!

y/n’s phone would not stop buzzing as the girl stared at the device that lay on her bed in distress. no. you couldnt. you cant answer that damn phone.

you could not give in to han taesan this time.

“y/n!” sullyoon, snapping y/n out of her thoughts as she gazed her attention up towards the girl appearing from out of her closet. “should i wear this tonight?” the girl questioned, as she smiled, nodding her head in approval.

“you’ll look so pretty yoon.” you hummed, as she nodded her head retreating back into the closet.

it had been two weeks since your last argument with taesan over the phone, and two weeks since you last spoke to him.

it had never went on for that long. y/n was scared. no matter how badly taesan treated her, she was scared of losing him.

so, she decided to spend a lot more time with jaehyun.

she knew it was wrong, using jaehyun to get over taesan, as well as get back at him. all of her friends approved of this sudden change. they really believed jaehyun was the perfect guy for her.

“your boyfriend is the best y/n, tell him thanks for getting us into this party.” minji hummed, focusing as she dabbed eyeshadow onto her eyelid.

y/n shook her head with a soft sigh and an eyeroll as she sat at her vanity, gazing into the mirror and lightly curling her hair.

“hes not my boyfriend.”

“yet.” wonyoung intervened, spritzing perfume on her neck before looking at you. “not your boyfriend yet.” she snickered.

after an eternity y/n and the girls had finally finished getting ready, making their way inside the huge house party as the booming music rang through their ears.

“oh! guys its jaehyun- y/nnn its jaehyunnn!” wonyoung slurred, as minji and sullyoon squealed in excitement.

maybe you four went a little hardcore during your pregame.

“hey … you guys okay?” jaehyun chuckled lightly, eyes widening at the sight of you stumbling.

jaehyun quickly wrapped his arms around your waist, steadying your balance. you, drunk and in heels was not a good combination.

y/n’s red face gazed up at jaehyun, a tipsy smile playing over her lips. “jaehyun!” she cheered, wrapping her arms around the males neck latching onto him with her dear life.

jaehyun was flustered. it was her first time making physical contact with him. although you were drunk, he loved it.

“hey y/n,” jaehyun chuckled, snaking his arm around your waist as he gazed down at you with a blush over his cheeks. “come on, lets get you some water.” jaehyun suggested, guiding you through the busy crowd.

“no!” you exclaimed, grabbing jaehyuns hand before dragging him with much force towards the dance floor. “come on, lets dance.”

it didnt take much for jaehyun to give in, and forget about grabbing the drunken girl a cup of water. here he was, dancing with you on the dance floor as your bodies pressed against each other from the crowd.

you knew he was watching.

there taesan stood, a drink in his hand as he leaned up against the kitchen doorway, watching you and jaehyun like a hawk. his grip on his red solo cup grew tighter, and tighter as he watched you and jaehyun get closer, and closer.

he didnt know why he was so upset. taesan swore he only liked y/n for casual hookups. but no, with the feeling of jealousy raising inside of him, he didnt have time to think and reason with himself.

“hey, han. you okay?” a voice spoke, although not catching taesans attention whatsoever as his eyes remained on the pair.

taesan downed his drink in one harsh gulp, wiping the alcohol spilling from the sides of his mouth before throwing his cup aside.

“im fine.” he stated coldly, fiercely making his way towards you.

taesan shoved past the crowd aggressively causing others to stumble at the determination. the boy grabbed jaehyun’s shoulder, pulling him away from you with much force.

“hey- what the fuck man??” jaehyun shouted, displeased. but it didnt phase taesan, who was busy staring down at the girl.

“youre coming with me.” he growled, causing you to raise your eyebrows in shock.

taesan grabbed your wrist, making his way through the crowd as he yanked you with him.

“hey!- hey taesan- ow! stop!!” you shouted, although taesan paid no attention to your discomfort.

or tell me does he know where your heart lies?

y/n took a deep breath of crisp air when finally out of the crowd, gazing around curiously in attempt to identify where they were headed.

“slow down tae!” you exclaim, drunkly struggling to keep up with his pace.

it all happened so fast.

taesan grabbed the bathroom door, yanking it open as he pulled you inside and shoved you up against the wall. the taller then slammed his hands on either side of your head, causing a small flinch.

you would be lying if you said you hadn’t found this action deadly attractive.

“what the fuck was that stunt you pulled over there?” taesan questioned, cocking his head to the side in a taunting way.

“what are you talking about? why does it matter to you.” y/n hissed back, gazing into taesans eyes daringly.

your reply only infuriated him more, lifting a hand from the wall as he harshly grabbed your face, a sound in surprise escaping past your glossed lips.

“fuck. you drive me crazy.”

with that, taesans lips came crashing down onto yours. the two shared a heated, yet passionate and longing kiss. a kiss full of desire, and desperation. it was different from all your other kisses. a good different.

“i want you, y/n. shit i want you so bad.” taesan muttered into the kiss as you felt the butterflies fluttering in your stomach.

god this boy will be the death of you.

taesan wrapped his free arm around your waist, grazing and touching you as much as he could as his hand landed on your ass, giving it a tight squeeze. y/n knit her eyebrows, moaning into the messy kiss and arching her back in response.

“then have me. for real.” you replied, causing him to pull away. your eyes trailed down to his swollen lips, seeing your tinted lip gloss smeared all over his chin. it was quite a sight to see.

taesan stood quiet, his heavy eyes gazing into the girls as nothing but the muffled booming music and their heavy breaths echoing through their ears.

“youre mine, l/n y/n.” taesan finally stated. “youre mine, and no one else’s. you hear me?” the male spoke, his hand tugging your face closer to his.

y/n nodded in response, a playful smile over her lips. “i hear you han taesan.”

where it truly lies.

— nari ¨̮

#ˋ ୨୧ ˊTAGS !

[kaiyunsim]

split —

pairing : best friend!taesan x gn!reader

summary : you find youself caught in the subtle whirlwind of unrequited love with someone and one-sided pining.

warnings : ANGST! holy angst, love bombing, maybe more

a/n : “christmas is coming” !! another niki inspired fic :3

songs queued ! : split - niki, oceans and engines - niki, drivers liscence - olivia rodrigo

— w/c : about 1k — not proof read ! —

taesan : online

the early spring sun filtered through the large windows of the university café, illuminating taesan’s face as he smiled. the warm light softened his sharp features, making him look effortlessly beautiful, as if he belonged in a painting. you tried not to stare too long, shifting your focus to the steaming cup of coffee in your hands.

“you’re so easy to hang out with,” taesan said suddenly, his voice cutting through the soft hum of the café. it was the boy you were crushing on for 2 years.

you blinked, caught off guard. “what?”

he grinned, leaning forward on his elbows. “i mean it. it’s like, no matter what we do, it’s always fun when i’m with you.”

your heart skipped a beat, warmth spreading through your chest. “you’re exaggerating,” you said, trying to laugh it off.

“i’m not,” he insisted, his gaze locking with yours. “you’re just… different. in a good way.”

you looked away, heat rising to your cheeks. moments like this were what made it so hard to walk away, even when you knew better.

“so,” taesan continued, leaning back in his chair with a casual ease, “what do you want to do today? we’ve got the whole day to ourselves.”

it was rare to have a day like this, just the two of you. your schedules usually didn’t align, and taesan was always surrounded by friends or admirers. but he had texted you the night before “free tomorrow. wanna hang out? just us?” and you’d jumped at the chance.

“i don’t know,” you said, forcing a smile. “what do you feel like doing?”

taesan tilted his head, his eyes sparkling with something playful, almost teasing. “come on, y/n. don’t make me decide everything. you always have the best ideas.”

he reached out suddenly, brushing his fingers against the edge of your sleeve. “you’re too modest, you know that? you should give yourself more credit.”

you felt your breath hitch at the contact, his words settling over you like a warm blanket.

“i heard there’s a new vinyls at the records store,” you offered, trying to steady your voice. “we could check it out.”

taesan’s face lit up, his enthusiasm palpable. “perfect. let’s go.”

the store was quieter than you expected, the echo of damp music filled the rooms. taesan walked ahead, stopping occasionally to inspect a disc. every so often, he’d glance back at you with a mischievous smile, like he was silently inviting you into his world.

at one point, he paused in front of an vinyl by earth, wind, and fire, splashed with bold reds and blacks. “do you like this one?” he asked, gesturing to it.

you shrugged, stepping closer. taking a listen to it through on of the portable players the store provides.“it’s nice. calm and nostalgic. i would definitely listen to it again”

taesan nodded thoughtfully, his gaze fixed on the cover. “it sounds nice. something that i enjoy over time.”

then he turned to you, his expression softening. “kind of like how i feel when i’m with you.”

your heart stuttered, and you stared at him, unsure if you’d heard him correctly.

“don’t look at me like that,” he said, laughing, though his voice held a warmth that made your chest ache. “i’m just saying the truth. you’re good to have around, y/n.”

you managed a small smile, even as his words carved deeper into the fragile hope you tried to ignore.

lunch was at a small, tucked-away diner taesan insisted on visiting. over plates of beautifully served sushi, he regaled you with stories about his latest escapades which were really just late-night study sessions, group projects that went horribly wrong, as well as music he had been producing.

“you always know how to make me laugh,” he said at one point, shaking his head in amusement. “seriously, what would i do without you?”

your stomach flipped, the sincerity in his voice making it harder to stay grounded.

“probably the same things you’re already doing,” you replied, trying to keep your tone light.

“no way,” he shot back, leaning across the table slightly. “you make everything better, y/n. don’t sell yourself short.”

he reached out then, brushing a crumb off your sleeve. the gesture was so casual, so natural, but it sent your heart racing.

“you’re quiet today,” he said, his tone softening. “everything okay?

you hesitated, unsure how to answer. how could you explain the weight of feelings you’d carried for so long, feelings you knew he’d never fully return?

“i’m fine,” you lied.

by the time the sun began to set, the day felt like a dream slowly slipping through your fingers. the park was almost empty, save for a few joggers and dog walkers, the horizon painted in hues of orange and pink.

taesan leaned back on the grass, his hands tucked behind his head, while you sat beside him, arms wrapped around your knees.

“this is nice,” he murmured, closing his eyes.

you watched him, the way his chest rose and fell with each breath, the faint smile on his lips. it was moments like these that made everything harder, moments where you almost let yourself believe there was something more between you.

“taesan,” you began, your voice trembling.

he opened one eye, glancing at you with a hint of curiosity. “hmm?”

you swallowed hard, your heart pounding. “do you ever think about… us?”

he frowned slightly, propping himself up on one elbow to face you. “what do you mean?”

you looked down at your hands, unable to meet his gaze. “i mean… do you ever think about what we are? what we could be?”

the silence that followed was deafening.

“y/n…” taesan’s voice was gentle, almost apologetic.

you braced yourself, already knowing what was coming.

“i care about you so much,” he continued, “but i don’t think i can give you what you’re looking for.”

his words felt like a punch to the chest, the air leaving your lungs in one sharp exhale. you nodded, forcing a smile you knew didn’t reach your eyes.

“it’s okay,” you said, your voice barely audible. “i just… i needed to know.”

taesan reached out, placing a hand on your shoulder. the gesture was meant to be comforting, but it only made the ache in your chest worse.

“you mean so much to me,” he said softly. “i hope you know that.”

you nodded again, unable to speak.

that night, as you lay in bed staring at the ceiling, your phone buzzed on the nightstand. it was a message from taesan.

“i hope you’re okay. let me know if you want to talk.”

you stared at the screen, your chest tightening. the rational part of you knew he cared in his own way, that he didn’t mean to hurt you. but that didn’t make it any easier.

for the first time, you didn’t reply.

instead, you turned off your phone and curled up under the covers, tears slipping silently down your cheeks.

you knew this was the end of the lingering hope you’d clung to for so long. there would be no magical moment of realization, no shift in the way he saw you.

and while the thought of letting go felt unbearable, you knew it was the only way to start healing.

because staying would only break you further.

taesan : blocked

[chewnotchoke]

to let a good thing die - gongfourz

warning: leehan and taesan, bff gongfourz, angst, friendship fallout, they call each other 'donghyun' and 'dongmin' but i'll refer to them with their stage names a/n: i originally wanted to make it a love triangle where hts fell for klh, however, i did not want to add a cliche love triangle anymore where their friendship simply gets ruined by a girl so instead, i just focused on their dynamics as best friends :) wc: 6.7k (my longest fic yet) playlist: bruno major - to let a good thing die // lana del rey - margaret // wave to earth - love // phoebe bridgers - scott street // conan gray - the cut that always bleeds // billie eilish - tv // lorde - ribs // mac demarco - watching him fade away

the one constant in a world that frequently felt chaotic and uncertain was the bond between leehan and taesan. their relationship developed gradually over time rather than being sparked by something significant or profound. they had this unshakable connection, built on an implicit commitment to always stand by each other.

there was something comforting about their relationship, like the warmth of a campfire on a cold night. it was strong, steady, and able to push away even the darkest moments.

leehan is the kind of person who can turn the most mundane moments into something fun, tossing playful jabs or flashing a quick grin that’s as disarming as it is genuine. yet beneath his laid-back demeanor lies a quiet loyalty for his best friend, taesan.

for leehan, caring about taesan isn’t just a passing thought—it’s woven into the fabric of his being, a constant he doesn’t need to say aloud. his way of showing it is subtle: an encouraging word when taesan's fire flickers or a shared laugh to lighten the weight of the world.

taesan, on the other hand, is a force of nature. he’s full of purpose, his mind racing with ideas and plans, always reaching for a horizon only he can see. ambition fuels him like a roaring engine, pushing him forward with relentless determination. but even with his eyes set on the stars, taesan never forgets leehan. he values him as a grounding presence, the person who reminds him to breathe amidst the chaos.

to taesan, leehan isn’t just a friend—he’s a safe harbor, someone he trusts to understand him in ways words can’t always express.

when taesan forgot his lunch in middle school, it was leehan who pushed his tray across the cafeteria table, pretending he wasn’t hungry. when taesan showed up late to cram school, drenched in the rain, leehan wordlessly handed over his spare hoodie. when taesan confessed he’d failed another math test, leehan stayed up all night crafting a cheat sheet—not so taesan could cheat, but so he could study better next time. 

the park was washed in gold by the afternoon sun. the rusty swing set, a memory from their shared youth, was occupied by leehan and taesan. with each push, the chains creaked as they swayed gently under their weight.

as they watched a group of children play tag on the grass, their laughter resonating in the cool air, they had been silent for some time. with a heavy voice, leehan breaks the silence. 

“do you ever wonder how things might change when we enter college?” kicking at the mud beneath his feet, he asked the question. taesan could only offer him a wry smile as he turned to him, “why? are you worried about drifting apart as we’re finally starting to figure out our lives?” 

“something like that.”

it took taesan to give a response. he stared at his friend and finally added, “you know, the world doesn’t have to be perfect for us to have our own piece of it. and honestly...you’re the only piece i’d ever need.” it was all sincerity–raw, and unfiltered, and leehan could feel it from taesan’s voice. 

taesan’s grin returned but tinged with something softer, almost fragile. “i know life gets messy, and sometimes it feels like we’re barely holding on, and i know it’s going be harder in our 20’s, but every time i feel like i’m drowning, i think about this, us. and i know i’ll be okay.”

“but i’m kind of worried though,” taesan adds. “you’ve always been there for me and i’m scared of leaning too much on you, and if i am not reciprocating the same care you’ve given me. you’ve always felt like a brother, an older one. you were there when i scraped my knee, trying to learn how to ride a skateboard from you. when i had that silly breakup in high school, when i almost failed my math test. i don’t want to be a burden for you, where you always have to take care of me and make sure i’m okay whenever i mess up.”

leehan chuckled softly, the sound warm and reassuring. "it doesn’t make you weak. and for what it’s worth, you’re the one who reminds me to laugh when i get too serious, who pulls me out of my head when i overthink. you take care of me in your own way, even if you don’t realize it. so i want you to keep leaning on me, just as much as i need you here, too."

leehan’s mind drifted to the time in middle school when he had forgotten to finish his homework. the teacher’s glare had felt like a spotlight, and humiliation burned hot on his cheeks as he was told to stand at the back of the classroom. but just as he began to shuffle toward the wall, taesan had quietly risen from his seat and joined him. “forgot mine too,” taesan had mumbled, even though leehan knew it wasn’t true.

he remembered the warmth of that moment, how the shame of standing alone had melted into something almost bearable because taesan had been there, sharing the weight of it without a second thought.  

another memory surfaced, sharper and more vivid: the sound of pounding rain as leehan sprinted through the streets, his heart racing with worry after hearing his mom was sick. he hadn’t even noticed taesan trailing behind him at first, gripping an umbrella in one hand and shouting for him to slow down.

by the time leehan stopped, both of them were drenched, rain dripping from taesan’s hair and soaking his clothes. yet taesan didn’t seem to care; he simply held the umbrella over his friend’s head, his hands trembling slightly from the cold, determined to shield him from the downpour.  

taesan, on the other hand, found himself smiling at a memory of his own. he thought about the night he lost his cat—a quiet, aching grief that had made him curl up in his room and refuse to leave. he could still see leehan leaning against the doorway, arms crossed but eyes gentle, waiting patiently. “food’s getting cold,” leehan had said, his voice soft. he hadn’t pried or tried to offer hollow comfort. he had simply waited until taesan finally stepped out, sitting across from him at the table in silence, offering companionship without needing to say a word.  

for a brief period, the only sound in the place was the soft hum of the kids playing. then taesan exhaled, a tiny, nearly apologetic smile pulling at his mouth. his shoulders releasing tension, and his heart feeling lighter than ever after hearing such words from leehan. 

that day, despite everything, it was just the two of them as best friends. and at that moment, it was more than enough. 

until things started to shift in their sophomore year as college students. 

taesan began to feel the heavy, unrelenting weight of adulthood pressing down on him. it was nothing like the carefree days of high school, when life was a blend of joys and trivial worries. back then, it was all about laughter, mischief, and the simplicity of being young. now, it felt as though every responsibility, every expectation, was stacking itself on his shoulders, threatening to crush him under its weight. 

but what tormented at him most wasn’t just his own struggles—it was the fear of becoming someone else’s. he dreaded the day of himself becoming the burden rather than the bearer, making his chest tighten with unease. especially to leehan. 

leehan often found himself waking up to the faint glow of a desk lamp at the dining table in their shared dorm. there taesan would be, hunched over his notes and laptop, dark circles under his eyes betraying yet another sleepless night. the sight had become too familiar.

"dongmin, don’t tell me..." leehan muttered, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he walked into the room. his voice carried a mix of concern and exasperation. taesan glanced up, the exhaustion etched into his face undeniable. but instead of answering, he closed his laptop with a soft sigh and rose from his seat. he began gathering his things for the class that awaited him.

"dongmin, you haven’t been sleeping for days," leehan said firmly, stepping closer.

taesan paused, slinging his bag over one shoulder. "i have a really important presentation later," he said, his voice calm but weary. "i can’t screw this up." 

leehan frowned, watching his friend push himself yet again. "you need to rest, though. you can’t keep running on empty."

“i’ll be fine," taesan replied with a small, tired smile, brushing off the concern as he always did. "i probably won’t be back for lunch, so don’t wait for me. eat something good, okay? i’ll see you after class." and with that, taesan headed for the door, leaving leehan standing there, worry tugging at his chest. as much as leehan wanted to stop him, he knew taesan’s stubborn determination all too well. all he could do was silently promise to be there, ready to catch him if he fell.

it was just after leehan’s second class when his phone buzzed insistently in his pocket. the caller id flashed ‘university clinic,’ and a strange chill ran down his spine as he answered. the nurse’s voice was calm but firm: taesan had fainted after a presentation, and his name was listed as the emergency contact. hearing that sent a wave of emotions crashing over leehan—fear, frustration, and a flicker of something warmer, something he couldn’t quite name. he didn’t even stop to think.  his legs moved instinctively as he sprinted toward the infirmary.

when he pushed open the door, he saw taesan lying on the small bed, looking pale, his usual energy drained. his lips curved into a faint smile when he noticed leehan, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “you’re here,” taesan murmured, his voice barely above a whisper. “why? have you eaten lunch yet?”

leehan exhaled sharply, running a hand through his hair to calm the anger bubbling inside him. “do you really need to waste what little energy you have worrying about me?”

taesan let out a breathy laugh, though it came out more like a cough. “i’m fine. it’s not that serious. didn’t the doctor say i just need some rest? i’m an adult now, leehan.”

“and yet, you can’t even take care of yourself,” leehan shot back, his tone harsher than he intended. the smile faded from taesan’s face, replaced by a shadow of guilt. “i’m sorry,” he said quietly, his voice so soft it was almost swallowed by the room’s silence. leehan’s chest tightened as he realized how his words had landed. he reached out, his hand resting gently on taesan’s arm, a gesture meant to reassure.

“hey,” he said softly, his voice gentler now. “i’m not mad. i’m worried. i hate seeing you like this. but you know i’ll always be here, right? whether you think you need me or not.”

taesan’s gaze shifted away, his fingers clutching at the blanket. “that’s what scares me,” he admitted, his voice trembling. “that you always have to take care of me.”

for a moment, the weight of taesan’s words lingered in the air, heavy and unspoken. leehan tightened his grip on taesan’s arm, his own voice steady and quiet. “you’re not a burden, taesan. not to me. you never will be. so stop trying to do everything on your own.” taesan’s lips quirked into a faint smile again, though it was tinged with something bittersweet. “you’re too good to me, you know that?”

leehan shook his head, his own smile breaking through. “maybe. but you make it worth it.”

the silence that followed was warmer this time, leaving only the steady hum of the infirmary clock marking the passing seconds.

but the following days weren’t as warm. 

taesan had been alone in their shared dorm for three days now. leehan had barely been home, only returning long enough to sleep, his presence almost ghostly in its absence. the days passed in a blur, with taesan filling the space with his own thoughts and distractions, but something was missing. every morning, taesan would check his room to find that leehan had already gone—his things left behind, his bed untouched. it was as if leehan had simply faded away.

that morning, as taesan stood in the kitchen, rinsing the dishes he had used for breakfast, he heard the familiar creak of the door opening. his heart jumped in his chest, and for the first time in days, a small spark of relief flickered in his chest. he turned around to see leehan step inside, dragging himself like a ghost from the hallway.

“you’re back!” taesan said, his voice a mix of surprise and relief.

leehan’s response was a strained, half-hearted smile that barely reached his eyes. he walked slowly, his footsteps heavy, as if the weight of the world was pressing down on his shoulders, his bag hung loosely from one arm.

“are you alright?” taesan asked, his brows furrowing in concern. “you haven’t been answering my calls. how was your test?” leehan didn’t immediately respond. instead, he simply sighed, the sound as hollow as his smile. “sorry,” he muttered, looking away. “let’s not talk about that.”

before taesan could press further, leehan disappeared into his room, the door closing behind him with a finality that felt like a wall between them. taesan stood frozen, his heart heavy with unanswered questions he glanced at the clock. only ten minutes before class. he should go, but something worried him, telling him to wait. so, he did. he waited by the door, listening for any sign that leehan might come out.

when the door finally opened again, it wasn’t the leehan taesan had hoped for. leehan emerged, but this time he was carrying a much larger bag, his clothes different. his movements were mechanical, devoid of the warmth that usually accompanied him.

“i don’t think i’ll be home for the next few days,” leehan said, his voice distant, the words detached as if he were speaking from a far-off place. “take care. i’ll see you soon.”

taesan’s throat tightened, his stomach lurching at the finality in leehan’s tone. “wait, what? donghy—”

but leehan didn’t stop. without another glance, he turned and disappeared out the door, leaving taesan standing in the midst of a room that suddenly felt too empty and quiet. the seconds dragged into minutes, and taesan stood there, numb, watching the door as if hoping leehan might come back.

but he didn’t. the sound of leehan’s departure echoed in his mind, and taesan realized, with an unsettling clarity, that something had shifted. though he didn’t know what it was or how it happened.

taesan had known something was wrong with leehan for days. it had started subtly at first: leehan had been quieter than usual, disappearing more often, his smiles more forced. taesan had brushed it off, telling himself that it was probably just the stress of exams, or maybe leehan was dealing with something personal. but it wasn’t like him to pull away without saying anything, especially not from taesan.

last week, leehan had mentioned that his program had a qualifying test to determine if he could continue to the next semester. it was a big deal, and taesan had noticed how much time leehan was spending with his study group, buried in textbooks and notes. but even so, the silence between them felt different—longer, heavier.

but that night, after finishing his own studies, taesan couldn’t help himself. he opened the messaging app and typed out a message:

"hey, what else have you been up to lately? haven’t heard from you in a while. you good?"

he stared at the words, his thumb hovering over the send button, unsure if it was too much, or too soon. but it was the truth—he was anxious. he didn’t know what leehan had been up to, how he was holding up, or even if he was okay. he sent the message and then sat back, waiting. the minutes turned into an hour. his phone sat on the desk, quiet, undisturbed. 

it was only when taesan was about to drift off to sleep, the heft of the day pulling him under, that he finally heard the familiar ping of a new message. he reached for his phone, his eyes still heavy with fatigue, and unlocked the screen.

it was from leehan.

“i’m sorry i haven’t been home lately. and i don’t think i will be for the whole week. i’ll be back once i’m done. make sure you’re eating well.”

the message was short. vague. empty.

taesan stared at the words for a long time. there was something hollow about it, something that left him unsettled. taesan reread the message, wondering if there was more beneath the surface, some hidden meaning that he wasn’t catching. but in the end, the words sat coldly in his chest, unanswered and unyielding.

three more days had slipped by since leehan’s last reply. silence hung heavily in the apartment, with taesan left to his own thoughts in their shared space. despite the suffocating  curiosity, taesan resisted the urge to call, respecting the unspoken boundaries. seeing leehan occasionally online on the messaging app was enough to reassure him that nothing dire had occurred.

on his way to campus, taesan crossed paths with sungho, one of leehan’s friends from his program. a spark of hope stirred in his chest as he greeted him. “sungho, have you been with donghyun? how’s he doing?” sungho’s expression shifted, a mixture of surprise and concern. “donghyun? hasn’t he come back to your place yet?”

“no, i haven’t heard from him lately.”

sungho sighed, glancing away momentarily. “ah, you didn’t know? leehan failed the qualifying exam last week. it was tough—he had to retake it with an additional 80 questions. but he finally passed on the second try. if he had failed again, he wouldn’t have been able to apply for the next semester. and he would have lost his spot in your college dorm. he’s been a wreck since the test, crying a lot. i thought you knew?”

a load settled on taesan’s chest. he hadn’t known any of this. the silence suddenly felt heavier, tinged with guilt and worry. before he could respond, sungho gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder. “i’ve got to go now. take care, dongmin.” with that, sungho walked away, leaving taesan standing in the middle of the bustling campus, lost in thought.

late at night after class, the dorm was eerily quiet, and there was still no sign of leehan. taesan sat on the couch, his heart weighed down by the conversation he’d had with sungho earlier. the day’s fatigue clung to him as he idly scrolled through instagram, seeking distraction.

his thumb froze when he stumbled upon leehan’s latest instagram story. it was a group selfie with classmates, a table laden with food and alcohol, and the caption, “thank you, guys. it wouldn’t have been possible without you.”

a storm of unspoken emotions swirled within taesan. he placed his phone face down on the table and sighed heavily. moments later, the front door creaked open, and leehan stepped in. his face bore a different expression than the one taesan remembered. something softer, more at ease.

“dongmin, i’m back! i mi—” leehan’s words trailed off when he noticed taesan’s lack of response. concern flickered in his eyes as he gently closed the door. “are you alright?” he asked, lingering in the doorway. “is it true?” taesan’s voice was low, almost a whisper.

“what’s true?” leehan frowned.

“you failed your qualifying exam.”

“oh, that,” leehan shrugged, a sheepish smile playing on his lips. “how did you know? but it’s all good now—”

“no, it’s not!” taesan’s voice cracked as he interrupted, his frustration surfacing. leehan blinked, taken aback.

“dongmin, it’s really fine. i passed the second time.”

“but you didn’t tell me,” taesan muttered, his gaze fixed on the floor.

“tell you what?”

“that you were struggling. that you needed support. instead, you celebrated with your college friends. people you’ve known for barely a few semester, while i was left in the dark. if sungho hadn’t told me, i wouldn’t have known anything.”

leehan’s smile faltered. “dongmin, i didn’t want to be a burden. i thought—”

“a burden?” taesan cut him off, his voice trembling. “do you think i’m not scared of being a burden too? but other than that, i’m more terrified of becoming someone you can’t rely on. do i mean so little to you as a friend?” his eyes shimmered, tears threatening to fall. the room was steeped in silence, the pressure of unspoken fears and misunderstandings pressing down on them.

“dongmin, i’m so—”

“was it not possible with me, donghyun? is that why you didn’t tell me?” taesan’s tears streamed freely, his voice trembling with a fragile softness. leehan’s gaze softened, the sight of his best friend in tears pulling at his heart. “that’s not true, dongmin. i didn’t tell you because i didn’t want to add to your stress. when you fainted from exhaustion after your presentation, i knew you weren’t in the right headspace. if i had told you i failed, it would’ve only worried you more. you mean so much to me as a friend—i couldn’t bear the thought of adding more weight to your shoulders.”

“donghyun, i could have helped you study—”

“and that’s exactly what i didn’t want!” leehan interrupted almost shouting, his chest heaving with emotion. “i didn’t want you to see me as someone who couldn’t succeed on his own. it’s not about that! dongmin, i was more afraid of losing what we have here, in this apartment, than losing my own dreams!”

taesan was rendered speechless, overwhelmed by the raw honesty in leehan’s words. he hadn’t expected such vulnerability from his friend, and it struck a chord deep within him. “you always care about academics, and you wouldn’t understand that because you’re full of determination and purpose! you’ll never find yourself in this terrible situation, scared on the edge of losing your spot in what we share.” leehan’s voice echoed in the small living room, his words cutting through the quiet like a blade.

taesan stood there, frozen, the weight of leehan’s remark sinking into his chest. confusion swirled in his mind, mixing with a sharp sting of hurt. his brows furrowed as he tried to process the words, the frustration in leehan’s voice, the unspoken resentment hidden beneath.

“i—” taesan began, his voice faltering. he didn’t know what to say, how to respond to something that felt so out of nowhere, so unfair. “you know what? let’s just stop talking about this,” leehan muttered, his tone weary, almost defeated. 

“i’m sorry for making it a big deal.” taesan felt his throat tighten as he answered, the words he wanted to say trapped somewhere between his heart and his mouth. he couldn’t bring himself to argue anymore, not when it felt like every word would only widen the gap between them. so, he turned away. quietly, almost reluctantly, he made his way to his room, the sound of his footsteps muffled by the thick silence that now filled the space. 

for weeks, silence draped over the dorm like a suffocating fog. leehan and taesan were locked in an unspoken calm, neither willing to break the stillness that had stretched into nearly two weeks. it wasn’t pride that kept their words at bay, but the heavy weight of guilt. for leehan, it was the guilt of almost leaving taesan in the dark, of burdening him when he was already struggling. for taesan, it was the guilt of not being there for leehan, of failing to comfort him when he needed it most.

and beneath it all lingered the echo of leehan’s confession, his yearning for permanence in their shared space—a permanence that, for taesan, would always belong to leehan alone.

despite the silence, their care for each other never wavered. leehan would quietly prepare extra portions of food, knowing taesan often pulled all-nighters and might need a late meal, even though leehan himself rarely ate more than a small serving. meanwhile, taesan would tiptoe into leehan’s room after he had fallen asleep, gently turning off the lights and softly closing the door left open.

the semester was winding down, the days slipping by in a blur, and before anyone realized it, summer break was just around the corner. taesan had been singularly focused on preparing for an internship interview slated for the next semester. it was all he had thought about for the past week—a chance to inch closer to his dream, especially since it was with a prestigious company. with his grades qualifying him for the application, he seized the opportunity without hesitation.

amid his preparation, taesan had barely noticed what leehan had been up to. it seemed like his friend was also engrossed in studying for something, though taesan hadn’t had the chance to ask.

as a way to celebrate their hard work this semester, taesan and his classmates decided to unwind with a dinner at a local pub. the thought of sharing a meal and laughter with friends was a welcome break from the intensity of the past weeks. taesan was planning to break the silence with leehan tonight once he got home.

or maybe tonight was a bad time, because leehan was also at the pub.

leehan and taesan sat at opposite ends of the pub, surrounded by their own circles of friends. the air was alive with the buzz of conversation, laughter echoing across the room. taesan, though engaged in a lively discussion with his friend, jaehyun, couldn’t help but glance over at leehan from time to time. his gaze lingering on his best friend. he watched, not out of curiosity, but out of concern, silently willing him to eat more, to take care of himself.

meanwhile, leehan sat at his table, doing his best to ignore the darting glances and hushed whispers that seemed to hang in the air around him. he heard bits and pieces of the murmurs , gossip about his recent failure. he didn’t care. they didn’t understand, and they never would. the success he sought was never meant for them, but for someone else.

but on the other side of the room, things were beginning to escalate. one of taesan’s classmates leaned in, his voice rising just enough for taesan to catch the words. “i don’t understand how dumb someone could get not to pass the test on the first try. yeah, sure, he passed the second one, but that’s just wasting his time, honestly. right, dongmin?”

the words were a blur to leehan, barely registering in his ears, but for taesan, they hit hard. he felt his muscles tighten, his temper beginning to simmer. his grip tightened around his glass of beer, his gaze hardening as the same classmate continued, oblivious to the damage he was causing.

“kind of pathetic, don’t you think?” the classmate sneered.

that was the breaking point. taesan slammed his glass down, rising from his seat with such force that his chair scraped across the floor. his eyes locked on the classmate, anger igniting in his chest. leehan, who had a hint of what was being said, braced himself. his body was tensed, ready for whatever might come next. he wasn’t sure what it was all about, but if it got worse, he wouldn’t stand by idly. taesan walked toward the guy, voice low but seething with anger. 

“shut up,” taesan says. “you don’t know a damn thing about donghyun.”

the classmate, ever the instigator, stood up to meet him, unafraid and ready for a fight. the atmosphere in the pub shifted, everyone now watching, tension hanging heavy in the air. “what’s your problem, taesan?” the classmate sneered, not backing down. “you didn’t know a damn thing either. leehan didn’t tell you, did he? didn’t want you to know how pathetic he was for failing that exam.” he scoffs and continued, “after all, some people just aren’t cut out for that level.”

taesan’s patience had worn thin. the words his classmate had spat, the cruel mockery, the way everyone around them had gone silent as if they were waiting for him to do something, he couldn’t hold it back any longer. the burning anger that had been boiling beneath his skin suddenly roared to the surface. 

his first instinct was to grab something, anything. but even in his anger, there was a moment of calm. his eyes locked onto the nearest object, the beer mug resting on the table. without thinking, but with controlled precision, he grabbed it and poured the beer over the guy’s head. the beer splashed in a cold wave, soaking his classmate’s hair and dripping down his face, the mug now empty in taesan’s hand.

“hope that helps cool down your overblown ego,” taesan said, his voice dripping with sarcasm, a sharp edge of defiance in his tone.

but his classmate’s smug expression remained unchanged. his lips curled into an arrogant smirk, eyes narrowing as if daring taesan to do more. before taesan, could fully process it, the guy’s fist came crashing into taesan's face. the force of the punch sent taesan stumbling backward. the sharp pain in his cheek was almost too much to ignore, but he forced himself to focus.

the instant he regained his balance, his fist swung out in retaliation, landing squarely against his classmate’s jaw. but before taesan could take another step forward, he felt hands pulling him away.

leehan had rushed over, his grip strong on taesan’s arm as he yanked him away from the scene. taesan’s instincts screamed to pull back, to lash out at his classmate once more, but when he saw it was leehan trying to stop him, something inside him shifted. his anger, his adrenaline, all of it, suddenly dulled. his body, tense and ready for a fight just seconds before, relaxed against leehan’s pull.

“taesan, let’s go,” leehan urged, his voice low but firm. taesan didn’t resist as much now.

the anger hadn’t completely subsided, but the sight of his best friend trying to stop him, trying to keep him from making a bigger mess, made him pause. he allowed leehan to guide him toward the door. the moment they stepped outside, the cold air hit him like a slap to the face, bringing him back to reality. taesan stood there for a moment, shivering not from the cold, but from the rush of emotions that still swirled within him—anger, regret, frustration.

he looked at leehan, whose face was a mixture of concern and disappointment. taesan wanted to say something, but the words caught in his throat. instead, he just stood there, feeling the weight of everything he hadn’t said and everything he’d done. he was frustrated, almost feeling like he wanted to cry out of anger. 

“why…why didn’t you say anything?!” taesan’s voice was rough, raw with emotion. “why aren’t you mad?!” his chest heaved with the force of his frustration, his fists clenching at his sides.

leehan’s eyes softened, but there was an edge to his voice, a slight tremor that betrayed the emotion he was trying to keep in check. “why did you have to get into trouble because of me, dongmin?” his words rose in pitch, more from concern than anger. “this isn’t just about you, donghyun! it’s about respect. he had no right to talk about you like that!” taesan answered, his arm jerked toward the pub, where his classmate’s voice still echoed in his mind.

“i don’t need you to fight my battles, dongmin,” leehan said, his voice cracking with frustration. “i can handle it.”

taesan’s breath hitched, and he exhaled sharply, his eyes softening, the anger that had once burned in them replaced by something darker like hurt, deep and raw.

“do you really see me like that?”

his voice dropped to a whisper. “you always carry my burdens, you always worry when i’m about to break. but when it’s your turn—when it’s you, you don’t need me. you never ask for my help. i thought... i thought you needed me just as much.” he paused, swallowing hard.

“is it so hard to lean on me, donghyun? after everything we’ve been through, after all this time…am i still not the kind of person worth relying on?”

leehan’s heart clenched, the weight of taesan’s words striking him harder than any punch had. his breath caught in his chest. “you are,” leehan said quietly, the words heavy, as if admitting it physically hurt.

“you are… but not when we’re both having a hard time.”

a silence fell between them, thick and suffocating, as if the air itself was too heavy to breathe. the words hung in the space between them, too much to bear.

“maybe we’re just not the friends we used to be, donghyun,” taesan muttered, his voice hollow.

the silence deepened. it was the kind that pressed down on them, crushing, leaving no room for anything else. neither of them moved, neither of them spoke. the weight of the words, of the distance, settled like a stone in both their chests, suffocating the bond they once thought was unbreakable.

a week later, they were both in their dorm. on the surface, it seemed like everything had returned to normal, but beneath the surface, it hadn’t. taesan had just gotten off a call with his professor the day after the incident, who brought up the recent situation at the pub. the news was disheartening—unfortunately, the company taesan had been aiming for didn’t tolerate any involvement in violence, no matter the circumstances. as a result, he lost his spot for the internship interview he had been diligently preparing for the past weeks.

one night, taesan remained on the couch, his head bowed, staring intently at his hands clasped tightly together. leehan noticed the shift in taesan’s demeanor. “what’s wrong?” he asked, placing his cup of water on the table. the weight of the situation pressed down on taesan. it was crushing and disappointing, but somehow, he couldn’t even muster the energy to feel sorrowful about it.

the dim light of the evening filtered through the window of their shared apartment, casting long shadows across the living room. “i heard from the office today,” taesan finally said, breaking the tension. his voice was low, almost emotionless. “they pulled my name from the interview list. the internship’s off the table.” leehan asked if he did not even try to plead and reconsider, but taesan says he didn’t want to do anything of that.

“you’re not seriously going to take the blame for this,” leehan finally said, his voice cutting through the stillness. “why? why didn’t you ask them to reconsider?”

“because if i did, then standing up for you wouldn’t be worth it.” 

“you’re throwing your life away for something that wasn’t even your fault,” leehan continued, his tone rising. “you have so much ahead of you, dongmin. why would you—what would you now?” he looks at taesan.

“i’ve thought about it for days. i’ll find a new opportunity, and…”

“and?”

“and a new university.”

leehan remained silent, not because he didn’t want to speak, but because he couldn’t find the words. his emotions overwhelmed him, and soon he was sobbing quietly. the tears weren’t just for taesan transferring schools.

it was the guilt crashing at him, knowing taesan was throwing away everything he had worked so hard for, all because of him. leehan buried his face in his hands, his shoulders trembling as he struggled to contain the weight of his sorrow.

rather than feeling sad about taesan’s departure, leehan was consumed by self-directed anger. he couldn’t shake the blame, couldn’t ignore the role he played in this unraveling mess.

“dongmin,” leehan choked out, his voice trembling, “your dream was supposed to start here! and now—” he paused, gasping for breath between sobs. “and now it’s all gone because of me. i’m so sorry...”

taesan turned to face him, his expression calm but filled with quiet determination. his voice was soft, yet steady. “donghyun, this is the life and dream i’m willing to set aside for you, but i will never let anyone disrespect you like that. you say i’m full of determination and purpose? donghyun, you’re the only purpose i ever need. and i want you to be happy.”

his lips curved into a faint, bittersweet smile. leehan shook his head desperately, gripping taesan’s hands tightly, his eyes pleading.

“how can i be happy if it costs me you? how can i stay here and not think about everything i’m losing?”

taesan’s smile faded, his gaze locking onto leehan’s. he studied his best friend, searching for something, perhaps a way to make this easier, or maybe the strength to let go. the silence between them was thick, each word that followed weighted with pain.

leehan continued, his voice breaking with emotion. “it hurts like hell to let you leave, but it feels just as wrong to make you stay. i caused all this mess, and keeping you here won’t change anything. it’ll only hold you back from finding new opportunities. i can’t do this, i’ll go with you.”

taesan sighed, the heaviness of their reality settling in. he knew leehan was right, but that didn’t make it any less painful. the bond they shared was deep, but this was a stage that required them to walk separate paths, no matter how much it hurt.

taesan’s lips tugged into another bittersweet smile. “i’ll be okay. it might take some time, but I’ll get there. i always do.” he reached out, placing a hand on leehan’s shoulder. “this isn’t about me, donghyun. you didn’t ask for this, but now that it’s happened, you can’t just ignore it. don’t throw away something good because you feel guilty. that’s not fair to you.”

leehan’s throat tightened, and he looked away, tears stinging his eyes. “i don’t deserve this. i don’t deserve you.”

taesan’s eyes softened, but there was a glimmer of pain. he let his hand fall away, his gaze lingering on leehan for a moment longer. “we’ll figure it out… just not now.” taesan said, though even he didn’t sound convinced.

leehan could only nod, unable to trust his voice. his heart screamed at him to say more, to fight harder, but he was frozen by the weight of inevitability crushing them. without another word, taesan turned and walked to his bedroom, the sound of it closing behind him echoing through the soon-empty apartment.

months passed, and life took them down different paths. taesan settled into his new university, finding his footing amidst unfamiliar faces and new challenges. he threw himself into his studies, into building a new life, but the cracks in his heart remained, each one bearing donghyun's name.

leehan stayed behind, moving through his days in a haze of routine. the apartment felt emptier without taesan’s presence, the silence now deafening where once it was comfortable. he told himself he was fine, that this distance was necessary, but late at night, when the world quieted, he felt the absence like a wound that refused to heal.

both were consumed by the demands of their new realities, yet neither could shake the haunting presence of what was left unsaid. taesan would catch himself staring at his phone, thumb hovering over leehan’s name, wanting to reach out but knowing it wouldn’t change anything. leehan, too, found himself staring at old photos, the smiles frozen in time a painful reminder of what they’d lost.

in the end, it wasn’t a dramatic falling out that separated them but the slow, inevitable drift of two people caught in the relentless current of life and guilt. they had once promised to figure it out, but the truth was, some things couldn’t be fixed.

sometimes, even the deepest bonds can be undone by the pressure of guilt, and sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is let go.

perhaps they were meant to be each other's anchor in their youth, a steady presence during the roughness of growing up. but as their lives evolved, it became clear that their paths, once intertwined, were now running parallel but separate. maybe they were never meant to follow each other into their dreams. instead, they had been each other's solace in the past years, a constant in a world that often felt anything but.

and though the distance grew, the echoes of their friendship lingered.

a silent reminder of what they had, and perhaps, what they were forced to leave behind.

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