#TURNED INTO A HOTTIE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

[bumblebeesfromvenus]

Eye Candy 🍬

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Jason Todd × chubby/curvy!reader

FINALLY. I've been wanting to get this out for forever but shit kinda hit the fan and I'm also sick right now lol

This is pure comedy. So much fun to write!! This is for all my thick girlies <3

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Jason wants you to meet his brother (Dick) and his best friend (Roy). As if that wasn't enough of a bomb, doubt starts to creep into your mind at the realization that your curves would make you stand out like a sore thumb in the Wayne family. Jason proves you wrong by taking you to a bar and letting Dick and Roy walk right into a trap.

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"You want me to what?"

"Hey, it's not that big of a deal-... yeah, no, it's... it's a big deal." Jason winced, brows furrowing while he flexed his hands around his mug.

Coffee- of course it was, though it was far too late in the day for even more caffeine, or so you'd scolded him once again.

You were staring at him, slack jawed, eyes widened just slightly as a brief huff of disbelief left your lips.

"Jay, you just told me you want me to meet your family. In what world is that not a big deal?!" You exclaimed, your tone a little more screeching than you'd liked.

He sighed, shoulders dropping ever so slightly, his eyes turned away as a frown etched itself onto his features.

"It's just Roy and Dick, s'not really meeting my family." He mumbled, toying with the handle of his cup, scratching his nails against the ceramic.

"Look, you don't have to, alright? I just thought-... I guess I don't really know what I thought."

Your heart ached. You've never seen him so defeated. So utterly downtrodden. His back slouched, head hung low while his gaze was focused on anything but you.

That heartbreaking glimmer in his eyes that never failed to make your own water.

Gently, you pried the mug from his grip and set it aside, taking his hands in yours.

The action made Jason avert his attention back to you, looking like a kicked puppy.

"I do want to meet them. I really, really do. Because they are your family, whether you want to admit it or not." You smiled softly, watching as he lit up immediately, a huff of relief making his chest feel lighter.

"I'm just nervous. And worried, I suppose? What they'll think, you know. I'm sure that I'm not exactly what they imagine when they think of your girlfriend." You chuckled nervously.

Jason, on the other hand, looked confused. Eyes narrowed, You-can-see-the-gears-turning-but-nothing-is-happening confused.

"What in the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

You cackled at the expression on his face and the goofy tone of his voice.

"Okay, let me put it like this. You're family is a bunch of buff, unfairly jacked and lean super geniuses. Not to mention how good the girls look. And Kori? She's a literal space princess! I just feel like I don't quite fit in. Can you imagine someone like me at one of those Galas? They would lose their minds-"

"'Someone like you? You mean a gorgeous, beautiful, stunning plump lady with a brain so big I sometimes wonder how your neck is still intact? You mean someone like that? Because we could use more of that, trust me." He chuckled dryly.

"Also, you're hot as fuck." He deadpanned, blankly staring at you.

You playfully rolled your eyes, tracing the space between his knuckles.

"A. I know, B. you're biased. I mean, they all probably expect you to date some super model." You explained, sighing.

You knew your worth. You knew that you were beautiful and perfect just they way you are, even beginning to love yourself.

But when challenged with a family full of hotties like the Wayne's plus Gotham's elite, it was hard not to feel just a little out of place with all your curves, bumps and pudge.

Jason's lips were pressed together in a thin line before he inhaled sharply and pinned you down with his gaze.

"Alright, first of all, they have no expectation of who I'd date because I was fuckin' dead, and when I came back my only interest was revenge and smashing peoples heads in. If anything they thought I would die alone."

The bluntness of his words and the expecting raise in his brows had you shell shocked, and pleasantly surprised.

"You're making problems for yourself that don't exist, ladybird." His tone turned soft as did his eyes, enveloping your heart in a blanket of warmth.

"So, respectfully, you don't have a point." He concluded for you, leaning back against the couch with a satisfied noise.

"Huh, I guess I don't." You breathed out, a smile spreading on your face while Jason already sported a wicked grin.

"There ya go. Now, can I brag about my hot, smart and curvaceous girlfriend to my dickhead brother and loser best friend? Because, sweetheart, you're one hell of a woman." He smirked, leaning in to get you all hot and bothered by his proximity.

You bit your lip, trying to act unaffected by his antics.

"Okay, fine," You groaned, feigning annoyance, "But only because I love you." You finished, failing to hide the smile on your face.

In one swift motion, Jason grabbed you and pulled you into his lap, your back pressed firmly to his chest. You let out a startled noise that morphed into a laugh.

"See? Just had to butter you up a bit, pretty girl." He nosed at your neck, a grin showing off his pearly whites while his arms were snaked around your middle.

"What can I say? You have a way with words." You smirked, looking back at him over your shoulder.

Jason chuckled and turned you in his lap, making you face him.

"I do have a very skilled tongue, as you know." He winked at you, kneading the fat of your hips in his hands.

You groaned and rolled your eyes before grinning and pinching his cheek.

"So, you up for tomorrow? It'll just be at a shitty bar somewhere. They won't judge you, I promise. And if they do, they can take it up with Fuck-" Jason raised one arm and flexed his bicep, "and You." With a wide smile, he lifted his other arm, and you watched as his muscles practically inflated.

You giggled, squeezing his arm with an approving nod of your head.

"I'll be there. I just have some errands to run, so I'll meet you at the place, yeah?" You replied sweetly, pressing a kiss to the tip of his nose.

Jason's face scrunched up at your kiss, making him look like an adorable little bunny.

"Sounds good, ladybird." He replied, smiling.

There was something hiding beneath that smile, though. Something sinister. Mischievous. You squinted your eyes at him.

"... What are you up to?" You asked suspiciously, crossing your arms over your chest.

"Who? Me? I'm not up to anything." He replied sweetly, batting his lashes at you.

"Mhm." You hummed, searching for a hint in his teal eyes.

You could see his resolve cracking, his gaze breaking from your for just a split second. You continued to stare at him. Jason cleared his throat and gave you a tight smile before striking.

Quickly, he pushed you off his lap, making you stumble to the floor of your living room on shaky legs before he lowered himself to the ground, hooking one arm around your knees and hoisting you over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

You screeched, digging your hands into his hoodie so you wouldn't fall.

"What the fuck! What are you doing?!" You screamed, cracking into a smile when you heard Jason cackle mischievously.

He moved quickly, rounding the couch and any obstacles with ease.

"Well, you see, I've been stumblin' over my words all day. Care to help me loosen up my tongue at bit, doll?" He grinned, hurrying to your bedroom.

"Jason!-"

Your voice burst with a laugh before you were interrupted by a loud crack when his hand met the back of your thigh.

You gasped, quickly followed by a slap against his clothed back.

"Remember that name, angel. I have a feeling you'll be using it a lot tonight."

.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.

"So, she coming?" Roy asked curiously, settling back into the deep-set lounge with his drink.

The redhead was seated in the middle, between the brothers, earning a shove and an annoyed eyeroll from Jason.

Dick snickered, taking a sip of his beverage.

"Why are you so obsessed with my girl, dude?"

"We just wanna make sure she's real. I'd hate to break you out of Arkham again, little wing." Dick grinned from behind the rim of his glass.

"Wow." Roy clicked his tongue, nodding along to the diabolical comment.

Jason only stared at his brother blankly, blinking once, then twice.

"Too far?" Dick asked, wincing slightly.

"Whaddya think, dickhead?" Roy sighed sharply.

"You should be so glad that I'm in therapy. Otherwise I woulda wiped the floor with you right now." Jason mumbled, taking a swig of his drink.

"It's the Piña Coladas talking." His brother chuckled awkwardly.

Jason just snorted, leaning against the soft cushions.

"To answer your question, yes, she's coming." Roy lit up, excitedly setting his beer down on the table.

"Really? So we get to meet the fabled ladybird, huh?" The redhead grinned, bumping his shoulder with Jason's.

He only shook his head and playfully rolled his eyes at Roy.

"Why didn't she come with you, then?" Dick asked, brows furrowed.

"Had to stop by the craft store." Jason replied simply, finishing his drink.

"Oh, so it's like that? You really did get yourself a pretty little thing, didn't you?" Dick smirked, watching as Jason chuckled in response.

"Dickhead's right. They not only make pieces of art, they are ones." Roy agreed.

Dick scoffed at the nickname.

"She's pretty alright. Looks like she belongs in the Louvre." Jason responded with a smile, then immediately regretting that decision when Roy and Dick began to look like the cheshire cat.

"Ooooo, Jay's in looooove." Roy teased with a chuckle.

"Did little wing find an even litteler wing? That's adorable." Duck sniffled, wiping a faux tear from his lashline.

Jason grumbled in response, flipping them off.

"At least I didn't cheat on my girl." He mumbled sharply, hiding behind his second -or third?- glass of the night.

Dick's smile fell and he was reduced to a muttering mess, pouting like a child.

"God, you guys are actual children. Can I have one night-"

they both glanced at Roy when he stopped speaking, his lips parted as he stared at the entrance of the bar.

"You're lettin' flies in, carrot top." Jason said blankly.

Roy let out a low whistle, loosely gesturing to the bar before a smirk cracked on his face.

"Look at that piece of Eye Candy over there."

Dick followed his line of sight.

"Fuck me." He cursed, eyes wide.

"Look at those hips, jesus-"

"Now that's a woman."

Jason was mid sip, uninterested in this mystery woman ordering a drink at the bar. But, he glanced up anyway, only to choke on his drink when his eyes landed on you.

He sputtered, coughing as he felt the alcohol go up his nose.

"Woah, she got you good, didn't she?" Roy teased with a laugh, patting his back.

"Yep.." Jason croaked out, holding back a laugh.

"I'm telling ladybird." Dick said quickly.

Snitch.

"When will she be here anyway? It's been a while." He questioned, pulling up his sleeve to take a look at his watch.

"Soon, soon.." Jason replied, clearing his throat.

"Man, she could sit on me, and I'd thank her. And that rack-"

Roy continued letting his eyes trail over your body.

As amusing as Jason found this little misunderstanding, he couldn't help but grind his teeth and clench his fists.

Meanwhile, Dick delivered a slap to the back of Roy's head.

"Pervert! You don't talk about women like that." He scolded the redhead.

"Says you! As if you don't wanna be suffocated by those thighs or-or knock out on that tummy, I know you do!" Roy said sharply, pointing an accusing finger at Dick.

"Of course I do, but I didn't say it out loud, now did I?" He replied in a condescending tone.

"You fucking-"

"Oh, look, she's approaching us." Jason said nonchalantly, leaning back into the cushions with a grin, watching as the petty bickering between his brother and best friend stopped immediately.

"I call dibs! I saw her first." Roy said quickly, straightening his posture and trying to look unbothered while you approached.

"God fucking dammit." Dick cursed, being left to grumble with his Piña Colada.

He looked at Jason, who was comfortably leaned back with a smirk.

"How are you so chill about this?!" Dick asked irritated.

"You'll see." Jason grinned.

You walked towards them with a smile, the drink you'd just ordered at the bar in your hand. Roy put up his most charming face and quickly cleared his throat.

"Hello there, sweethea-"

his entire face dropped when you placed a hand on Jason's shoulder and pressed a kiss to his lips. His hands instinctively went to rest on your hips, giving them a gentle squeeze.

"Hi, baby." You greeted sweetly.

"Hey there, ladybird." Jason grinned, glancing at Roy and Dick.

The redheads jaw was on the floor, speechless while his gaze flitted between you and his best friend. Dick was just as shocked, but quickly broke out of it.

"THAT’S LADYBIRD?!" He yelled, earning harsh stares from other guests.

Dick quieted down with an apologetic smile and leaned closer to Jason.

"You fucking asshole! Why didn't you do anything? You let us say all those things-" at the realization Dick went pale.

"He's gonna beat our asses." Roy mumbled, still staring at you and Jason.

"... Fuck."

You just stood there dumbfounded while Jason had a grin on his face that made a shiver run down Roy's spine.

"What things?" You asked, you brows furrowed in confusion.

Jason pulled you into his lap, resting one of his hands on your thigh.

"Don't worry about it, angel." He said softly, pecking your cheek.

"How the hell did you end with such a charity case as Jason?" Roy asked bluntly, slumped in his seat, defeated.

"Excuse me?" You sputtered with a scoff.

"That's a lot of nerve coming from someone looking like an affair baby." You shot back.

Dick burst out laughing, Jason cackling along side him while Roy only stared at you.

"And she's feisty? Fuuuuuuck.." He whined.

"Nice to meet you, ladybird." Dick gave you a friendly smile and nod, still wiping the tears from his eyes.

You returned the smile before leaning in to whisper into Jason's ear.

"Is the rest of your family also like this?"

"Like what?"

"Loudmouth assholes." You replied, staring straight at Roy who looked like you just slapped his mother.

Jason laughed, throwing his head back when he saw Roy's face.

"Ah, no. Some of them are quiet assholes."

Dick scoffed, immediately defending himself and his siblings with big hand gestures.

You chuckled as you watched.

"Don't be sad, carrot top," Jason began, giving Roy's shoulder a squeeze, "You couldn't handle her if you tried."

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Jason loves fat girls. Argue with the wall <3

Let me know what you think! 😚🩷

More of Jason and others -> 💫

《DC Taglist》: @allysunny @arkhamknightscxnt @gaozorous-rex-blog @hellonhells-x

Comment to be added 🐝🫧

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[sharlsworld]

⋆⭒˚.⋆ guilty pleasure - 𝐂𝐋𝟏𝟔 ✴︎

（ 𝗉𝖺𝗂𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀 ）𝖼𝗁𝖺𝗋𝗅𝖾𝗌 𝗅𝖾𝖼𝗅𝖾𝗋𝖼 𝗑 𝖺𝗋𝗍𝗁𝗎𝗋𝗌 𝖻𝖾𝗌𝗍 𝖿𝗋��𝖾𝗇𝖽 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽𝖾𝗋

（ 𝗌𝗎𝗆𝗆𝖺𝗋𝗒 ）𝖼𝗁𝖺𝗋𝗅𝖾𝗌 𝗁𝖺𝗌 𝖺 𝗅𝗂𝗍𝗍𝗅𝖾 𝗌𝗅𝗂𝗉 𝗎𝗉 𝗈𝗇 𝗂𝗇𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗀𝗋𝖺�� 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖺𝖼𝖼𝗂𝖽𝖾𝗇𝗍𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗒 𝗋𝖾𝗏𝖾𝖺𝗅𝗌 𝗌𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗁𝖺𝗌 𝗁𝗂𝗆 𝖿𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗅𝗂𝖿𝖾 𝗂𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖼𝗈𝗆𝗆𝖾𝗇𝗍𝗌 𝗈𝖿 𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗂𝗇𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗀𝗋𝖺𝗆

note ✫ pt. 2 of my best friends brother, this could be read as a stand alone but would make more sense to look at the other smau. the first post is kinda suggestive

🝮

yn

liked by pierregasly and 1,728,306 others

yn was going through my camera roll, i miss summer so bad

charles_leclerc first

charles_leclerc Omg I remember that week was absolute hell I felt like a teenage boy going through puberty

⤷ arthur_leclerc ew is that why you wouldn’t play chicken with us??? y/n wanted to play so bad then you ran away. you sicko what a perv

⤷ charles_leclerc It’s not funny arthur and I don’t know why you would suggest musical chairs on a fucking boat but that was horrible she sat on my lap and I almost creamed my pants right there

⤷ arthur_leclerc No one wants to know that you fuckin perv 🤮🤮 #lockcharlesup

⤷ charles_leclerc stop calling me a sicko and a perv just because she’s younger then me. i’ll purple nurple you arthur.

⤷ arthur_leclerc I’ll shave all your hair off when you’re asleep. You sleep like a rock you won’t feel a thing.

⤷ charles_leclerc I’ll shave your eyebrows off then you cunt

⤷ yn ok let’s stop there 😊

⤷ charles_leclerc Whatever you say bébé

francisca.cgomes hottie 😍😍🤤

carlossainz55 Who’s that cutie in the last slide?

⤷ alex_albon I thought we had a connection…we went on a coffee date carlos 😔

⤷ carlossainz55 Shhh look away baby, he has attachment issues…you’re the one I come home to every day 😘

⤷ yn ally 🏳️‍🌈 now get this gay fest out of my comment section

🝮

charles_leclerc

liked by lewishamilton and 5,544,814 others

charles_leclerc y/n via jade’s instagram story

yn wrong account?

arthur_leclerc is this meant for what i think it’s meant for?

jade_distinguinn Ummm???

lando charles marc hervé perceval leclerc do you run a fan page for your little brothers best friend? OMG IM GONNA GO FIND IT SHUT UP

georgerussell63 Ah, you’re one of us

⤷ danielricciardo NO WAY I FUCKING CALLED THIS IS SO CRAZY YOU LIAM ALEX AND LANDO OWE ME 300 BUCKS IM GONNA BE RICH

⤷ liamlawson30 you’re already rich?

⤷ danielricciardo Shut up and venmo me my money cunt THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

arthur_leclerc OMG YOU RUN A FUCKING FAN ACCOUNT FOR Y/N THIS IS SO AMAZING WHATS THE USERNAME PLEASE

alex_albon this is tewww good drop the user king

leclerc_pascale Charles how long has this been going on?

pierregasly NO WAY BRO YOUR LIFE IS OVER

maxverstappen1 Absolute gold, this is pure cinema. Keep it up mate 🥳😂

lando SHUT UP ARE YOU CHARLESLOVESYN???

⤷ liamlawson30 NO WAY I FUCKING LOVE THAT ACCOUNT BRO

⤷ alex_albon I always wondered how they were always so quick to update

⤷ georgerussell63 Omg no way I stalk that account every night before bed

⤷ danielricciardo SHUT UP AND VENMO ME MY MONEY YOU GUYS PLEASUHHHHH

arthur_leclerc CHARLES TELL US YOUR SECRETS HOW DO YOU MANAGE A SUCCESSFUL FANPAGE WHILE BEING A F1 DRIVER??? 🎤🎤🎤

yn awhhh charles baby you’re so sweet

⤷ arthur_leclerc WTF THATS SO CREEPY??? ITS BEEN GOING SINCE 2021 THATS WHEN YOU TURNED 18????

⤷ yn don’t be mean arthur it’s sweet

⤷ arthur_leclerc oh my gosh you poor thing he’s brainwashed you 💔

⤷ yn stop being mean or i’ll post that one picture of you for everyone to see

⤷ arthur_leclerc 🤐

🝮

charleslovesyn

liked by lando and 573,649 others

charleslovesyn l’amour de ma vie ❤️

estiebestie omg she looks so pretty where did you get this from??

⤷ charleslovesyn my camera roll??

⤷ estiebestie oh!

⤷ estiebestie OHHHHHH

lando I FOUND IT IM FASTER THEN THE FUCKING FBI THIS IS THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY LIFE

⤷ danielriccardo Bruh send me my money

⤷ lando are you going broke or something damn

maxverstappen1 How do you have 70k followers

⤷ alex_albon this is THE y/n fan page max

yn sweet babyyy i love you

⤷ pierregasly Wow you two are a different level of down bad for each other

leclerc_pascale Well, at least it’s a successful fan account son ❤️

arthur_leclerc If I speak…

⤷ yn shut up arthur you burned your neck with my curling iron and told everyone it was a hickey

⤷ arthur_leclerc Oh my goshhh why would you say that 😔

⤷ yn quit being mean to charles he’s feeling very overwhelmed right now

⤷ arthur_leclerc sorry i forgot he can’t focus on anything but you anymore 😒

⤷ yn you still watch moana whenever we finish watch a scary movie

⤷ arthur_leclerc y/n stopppppp

lance_stroll Bros really been playing hard to get when he’s been running a fan page since 2021

⤷ yn shut up maple licker go hug a moose or something

⤷ yn omg i’m sorry lance i just wanted to say that but i don’t know anyone else who’s canadian ��

⤷ lance_stroll you’re gucci queen don’t fret

georgerussell63 What a time to be alive

⤷ danielriccardo Oh so you can comment on charles’ fan page for his gf but not venmo me my money I won fair and square??

⤷ georgerussell63 Give me a minute damn I’m still riding on the high of this whole thing

🝮

charles_leclerc

liked by arthur_leclerc and 3,381,160 others

charles_leclerc and what about it

francisca.cgomes King behavior honestly

alex_albon period

arthur_leclerc Okay tone the attitude down queen charles

⤷ yn 😐 have you learned nothing or do want me to tell everyone the time you peed yourself cause you got excited when you seen adele…last year

⤷ arthur_leclerc ain’t no way you just said that bruh 😓 i remember when you used to defend me like this when charles would be mean to me 😔

georgerussell63 Don’t ever let them shame the fan girl out of you ✊ we’re in 4life

carlossainz55 Yesss queen show your true self

lilymhe I wish Alex would make a fan page for me too…guess he doesn’t love me 😔

⤷ alex_albon I literally tried and you told me no.

⤷ lilymhe BECAUSE YOU MADE A GOSSIP PAGE

⤷ alex_albon JUST SAY YOU HATE ME GOSH

danielricciardo i’m still waiting for my money…

⤷ lando we’re sending it damn 😒

⤷ georgerussell63 Do you need it for rent or something jeez…

⤷ alex_albon seriously you already blew through your savings or what??

⤷ liamlawson30 don’t worry bud, i sent you a little extra. get yourself something nice ❤️

⤷ danielricciardo You sent me 1 extra dollar…

⤷ liamlawson30 send that shit back then damn, everyone’s so ungrateful these days 😒

⤷ danielricciardo Hell nah I’m keeping that shit

[beef-brisket]

Adam: Swallow it!

Lucifer was still struggling.

Adam: Swallow it, you bitch!

Eventually, Lucifer managed to swallow it and not waste any of his food liquor.

Lucifer coughed: Y-You-! Fucking asshole!

Adam laughed: Not so tough now, huh bitch?

Lucifer: I'm the fucking king, Adam-.

Adam: Oh! You're NOT going to believe the fucking gossip I heard, man.

Lucifer laughed: Oh yeah?

Adam: Yeah- apparently, Alastor listens to our podcast~

Lucifer: What?! Oh man... I need to be more drunk for this.

Adam: Seconded!

Lucifer took another shot while Adam downed half a glass of whiskey.

Lucifer: J-Jesus christ, Adam!

Adam: Keep my... brothers? Uh... my other dudes name out of your fucking mouth!

Lucifer laughed: Sounds like the first man wants another day with his head in the toilet~.

Adam: Ha! Not happening, I'm only going hard now to get a good buzz, then I'm stopping.

Lucifer: Oh sure, sure. So, what's this I hear about Bambi~?

Adam smirks: Little fawn listens to our podcast!

Lucifer: Aww! How... pathetic-.

Adam: Hey. Nah, man. Nonr of that.

Lucifer: None of what?

Adam: We don't tear down other creators on this show. We build them up and encourage them.

Lucifer: ...You cut his chest open with an axe.

Adam: And I got back AND chest fucked by a maid. Your point? Look. Al. I actually don't mind him. He's not that bad once you get to know him-.

Lucifer: What-?!

Adam: And his jambalaya is fuckimg bussin. So, Bambi, if you're listening, you keep doing you, boo. You've got this- and don't listen to that weird guy with a TV for a head- radio isn't... old? What the fuck did he say?

Lucifer shrugged: No idea.

Adam: Huh... okay- well, don't listen to what I said about radio being dead- turns out, I was the dead one, so fuck me, right? You go, Alastor! This one's for you, dudette!

Lucifer didn't know whether to laugh or look completely disgusted as Adam downed nearly half a bottle.

Lucifer: Hey uh... I appreciate the enthusiasm, Ad. But maybe you should take it easy-.

Adam: Pft- Why?! Dude- I fucking told you I WANTED to die- in EDEN! You! Of all people! So, yeah... I'm fucking taking advantage of the good stuff~.

Lucifer: ...You... just admitted that on the show-.

Adam: Whatever, man. I'm sure everyone in Hell's wanted to die at some point! It's like a club- let's make a club! Suicide... Suicide h... h-h-hotties... yeah, that! Bro fist, man!

Lucifer gave Adam a weak brofist. Maybe he should turn the alcohol into water or something.

Adam: You know... I-I always thought you were- lowkey hot- in the garden- and now, actually.

Lucifer: ..."lowkey hot"?

Adam: Yeah! You're kinda, sorta, a little bit hot.

He should definitely turn that alcohol into water.

Lucifer: ...Gee. thanks, man.

The Hotel Yard

Adam: So, Lucifer hadn't heard this yet but there is an AI version of our show already.

Lucifer: Shit, okay.

AI Lucifer: Hello everyone I'm with my co-host Adam. And might I say you look like you've escaped from a mental institution.

Adam: So already you start off with insulting me

Lucifer: Yeah but we take turns

Adam: Giving blows to each other

Lucifer: Yeah we take turns blowing each other.

Adam: HAHAHA!!

AI Adam: That's not nice Lu

AI Lucifer: No, but you want to know something else? We're gay for each other.

Lucifer: What!? Hahaha!

Adam: Fucking Jesus hahaha!

I love these goobers so much 😂

AI Adam: We love recording this podcast. But our fathers hate us.

Lucifer and Adam nearly die if laughing.

Lucifer: W-What the fuck?!

Adam: It's not fucking wrong, dude!

[covertleathers]

Chapter 1: Smiling Faces Tell Lies

AO3 Link

Rating: 18+ Explicit, drugs, sex, murder, guns, blood

Relationships: Lucanis Dellamorte/m!Rook (they/them), Neve Gallus/Bellara Lutare, Taash/Lace Harding

Chapter Summary: A campy/gritty Disco Mafia Murder story taking place in 1970s New York City. Zi (Rook) is a down on their luck thirty-something who seems to have lost everything they had in one really awful week. They decide to head to one of their old haunts - The Viper's Den - a discotheque to relieve some stress. Unfortunately, this night out throws them into a bigger web of problems involving several murders, the law, and the mob.

Author's Note: I'm honestly very excited to share this because it's been so fun to work on! I've been listening to music, watching some 70s movies, and looking through old photos. Just so you know, I'm not the type to like, preload my chapters. I just post them as soon as I think I've got one finished enough to my liking. But, I've got plenty ideas swirling in my nogging for this.

Sheer luck. The rain had just stopped before Zi parked and got out of their car around the block from The Viper's Den. The 46th St club had been crammed for at least three hours by the time Zi arrived in their finest threads close to midnight. It was too easy to slip past security and bypass the line going around the block. They couldn't afford to pay the $25 for the cover (even if they could, they weren't gonna).

Full to the brim with cigarette smoke, silk, and sweat. This had to have been the hottest basement they had ever had the pleasure of cruising through. Surrounding them were hundreds of people, writhing to the beat. Plenty of delicious specimens for them to pick up that night. Man, woman, neither, it didn't matter if they were fine.

Just a little upper, some mezcal, a sweet high, and a hottie to bed. This was exactly the Friday night they needed after this incredibly fucked up week. Varric's dead and thus the print shop closed, losing the only semblance of employment they could keep, and Davrin still wasn't returning their calls. Fuck him. Always on his high horse… Zi wasn't like him, they couldn't hold down a real job. Oh maker, they missed him. No, they told themself, Have some self respect.

As they prowled the edge of the crowd, they kept an eye out for a familiar face. Usually, he was right at the bar…Yup, Elek. A slick, young dark-haired man who's smile captured most hearts pretty easily. Unfortunately, Zi never thought to get mixed up with him sexually or romantically, mainly because they grew up together. Two Brooklyn kids who were both caught in the muck of this city. Well, Elek was doing much better than Zi. Most were.

Elek must have saw them coming because he visibly sighed and shook his head, his gold chain nearly sparkled in the club's purple and rose lighting. He took a long drag of his cigarette, then knocked it against an ash tray on the bartop. Nursing a tall glass of what Zi assumed to be beer, he watched them approach.

From what they remembered, he wasn't related to The Den's owner, whoever she was, but somehow had free range of the place for selling and gambling. He was small game, though, compared to the other sharks that swam in these waters.

Elek was a piece of home, even if he had a hard time admitting it. They had history. If there was anyone who had what they needed to make tonight an extraordinary experience, he would be the one they'd tap. Which they absolutely were about to. You know…he looked good. Maker, they needed to get laid, this was ridiculous.

"Elek!" they called with a wave. Zi had to put on their charming face, a slight sideways smile seemed to always work. "Long time no see?"

An incredulous smirk crossed his face. "Rook," he said. "Looking for work?"

"Not tonight. And I don't sell anymore." they replied with a light chuckle. If they knew anything about Elek, he couldn't resist a cute face. Zi just had to turn the charm up to one hundred. "I was thinking, you look absolutely smoking in jewel green, is this a new sports coat—"

"You still owe me two hundred bucks, Rook," Elek casually remarked examining his watch. It looked new, gold-plated maybe. He was hiding a genuine smile behind that annoyed grimace, Zi felt like they cracked him a bit. "Want to bother me when you've got some cash?"

Right, they had totally forgot about that. A few months back Elek loaned them two hundred dollars to help cover their car note. That's why I stopped coming around so often, they mused awkwardly to themself. Shit.

"About that…" they sidled up next to him on the bar, leaning on their elbow and giving him a perfectly arched eyebrow. "My boss is dead, his print shop closed. I'm out of a job. I just need a…favor."

"Fucking…" he moaned. "Zi…do you like being like this?"

They winced on the inside, but knew not to show it. That smarted. Alluring grin still plastered on their face. To win Elek over you had to be all smiles and play to his kinder side. He didn't show it often and Zi had an unfair in to his good nature. They exploited it as best as they could. "Just one hit. It's all I'm asking for. I've had an absolute shit week and you know I'll get you back…eventually...and tell your mom I said 'hi'?"

Elek, exasperated and tired of fighting Zi's simpering act procured a tiny ziplock bag of white from his coat jacket. "If it's going to get your pathetic ass out of my face…"

"I love you!"

"Can it before I change my mind," he grumbled.

Zi got a bit closer to hid it from view and scooped away a pinky nail portion of its contents. A quick sniff and it disappeared. A familiar head rush and that wonderful heat to their face. An almost instantaneous confidence boost hit their brain like lightning. Fuck this was what it felt like to be alive. Suddenly, they felt the music pumping through their body so loudly it was impossible to stop themself from moving.

"You are a godsend," they cawed before grabbing Elek's face and giving him a kiss on the cheek. "I owe you!"

"You already do, moron."

Riding that high, Zi flew to the dance floor. Fuck, nothing was better than this. Except sex. Maybe not. They couldn't decide in this state of mind and really didn't have to. The DJ made sure that anyone at the center of the dance floor could barely hear anything else but the beat. It was so loud, Zi felt their sternum bumping in time. This wasn't Soul Train. It was far messier and stickier with a layer of cigarette ash and spilled whiskey. Everyone danced with their shirts open, bodies packed tight against each other, glistening sweat rolling down their chests.

As they moved, Zi scanned the crowd for a new friend to bed. There were a fair amount of folks from what seemed like all over town. Qunari, elves, dwarves, a few humans. What mattered most to them was their moves. If Zi knew anything, great dancers were even better fucks. They would know, an art school drop out with nothing to show for it but agile feet and impeccable flexibility.

A fairly tall and lithe qunari locked eyes with them, a smile spread across her face and they drank in her long neck and silky chestnut hair. Lovely. Zi really did like brunettes. Were they in the mood for a tall glass of water or something more…exciting?

Then, Zi spotted him. Cutting through the dance floor with precision was a man in all black. Open collared shirt with rolled sleeves. A head shorter than them, built like a gymnast with slicked back black hair. He was walking with purpose in each step, slipping between revelers like a shadow. Oh, furrowed eyebrows and a determined stare! Unfortunately, they were a sucker for somber faces, too. Zi loved the look of a serious man with his mouth around their cock. It was its own kind of art.

It was probably the cocaine that made them grab his arm as he passed (it wasn't). In hindsight, they would have realized something was off. But, a bird couldn't resist a shiny object, no matter how sharp. The man paused as if snapped from a trance and whipped his head around locked eyes with them. A heavy brow, deliciously scarred lips. He was…handsome.

"You know the discoteque is for dancing!" They quipped into his ear, flashing what they knew was a captivating smile. No one could resist Zi when they turned it on tenfold. The shadowy stranger seemed surprised that someone noticed his crossing the floor. Unfortunately for him, Zi knew a good dancer when they saw one. "Show me what you can do!"

Zi studied him a bit closer in the dizzying, spinning spotlights at the center of the club. Under deep red shadows, spliced with stark white beams of light. He wore an expensive silk shirt and neatly tailored pants. Heavy leather belt. Silver diamond chain falling into some delectable looking chest hair. Italian shoes. Wow. Rich boy. They tugged his fingers and he followed with a long careful glance around. What was this guy's deal? He was acting like he had to go somewhere. "Looking for someone?"

"Yes."

A man of few words. Sexy.

"Dance with me in the meantime, I'll make it worth your while," they crooned in his ear as they sauntered closer, dragging a single finger down his chest. The stranger grasped Zi's wrist before they could pull at his belt. His grip was strong. Fine, they thought, and instead they guided his other hand to the small of their back, their waist asking his to move in time.

"One dance." The man stated firmly. They caught the accent that time. Spanish. And they picked up on deadly confidence. Zi glimpsed the ghost of a smile briefly grace his face. Oh, they had to figure out a way snag this one.

Of course they had been right. He could move. He must have been trained. They whirled together in a blur of black and maroon, keeping in step with each other as if they had done this one thousand times before. When Zi switched to a salsa, for the hell of it, he followed easily without missing a beat and took the lead. They felt lighter than air in his hands. And that was not the coke talking.

It was as if they were easily riding each other's rhythms like the tides. Their hip would collide, then separate and each instance sent their mind reeling in joy. It had been a very long time since they vibed with someone like this. They caught the smell of his cologne, musky sandalwood and leather, and that tipped them over. There had to be a way to get this guy to come home with them.

In all the nights they had cruised The Den, Zi had never seen him. Not that they knew everyone who passed through the club, but you get used to seeing the same bodies. You remember their movements. Recognize their limitations. And yearn for their possibilities. Which this newcomer had in spades.

Zi studied his face. He was half in it, half somewhere else. Espresso brown eyes scanning the club as they turned chest to chest at the center of the dance floor. It was almost unbelievable he wasn't entirely focused on the sculpted specimen before him. Zi never had this much trouble capturing someone's entire attention.

The song was coming to a slow down, ready to end this exhilarating venture. But Zi didn't want to stop. Beads of sweat were forming at their scalp from the stifling heat of a packed room. They didn't want to stop this magnetic connection. But, something had caught The Spaniard's eye, they knew they were losing him.

The stranger nodded at the end, inclining his head slightly, "Thank you—"

"No, thank you! You're an amazing dancer." they breathed, catching his wrist again before he could turn away. The music started to swallow them again. "Could I get your name? Your number? Maybe we could go out sometime? Do you like Chinese?"

He shook his head, whatever was weighing on him had his full focus now. Zi had become an afterthought, again. Expression changing dramatically to become grim and severe. The stranger was becoming more unknowable by the second.

Shit, shit, no! They panicked on the inside, I need this!

He delved back into the crowd, hand slipping from Zi's fingers with ease. The immensity of his presence on their hip left a looming empty space as he disappeared from view.

His loss, they grumbled internally and tried to let the music take them again in a haze of treble and synths. It wouldn't be hard to find someone else, they just needed to find the groove again.

Several candidates came into view as they spun through the crowns. Eventually, that Qunari woman found them again and their bodies were forced against each other as the crowd on the dance floor swelled and ebbed like tides in the harbor. Her name was Anjelika.

Zi asked over the music, "Come home with me?"

She gave an enthusiastic nod and smile. Fuck, she was gorgeous. An angel in white, Zi seemed to encircle and twirl with her for what could've been an eternity. They shared a cigarette, then an absolutely delicious kiss. Another, then another. They had feasted on her neck. She tasted like gin and lemons and ran her hand down the front of their trousers. The mysterious man slipped from their mind like water through their fingers. Only the wet essence left in his wake. Eventually, though, their high was fading.

It could have been well past 3 AM, they weren't keeping track of time. That's when the screams rang out. A record scratched and the music stopped abruptly, lights coming up to reveal the barren black walls of The Viper's Den.

"Uh…party is over, loves." The DJ stammered over the speakers, his voice slightly muffled by his facial hair against the mic. The crowd moaned in disapproval and folks weren't moving.

"Hey we paid the cover, we want to dance!" Someone said. Zi spotted a shot glass thrown at the DJ booth.

Another, "Yeah, we want to keep going!"

The sound of someone grabbing the mic and popping it against their palm, causing five agonizing seconds of horroble feedback that rocked their ears. "Get out you fucks! We're CLOSED."

Zi kept their arms wrapped around Angelika's waist, burying their face in her hair. She smelled so good. They asked again, "You coming, right?"

Then suddenly, she was all hesitation. They kissed again, her touches lingered on their neck and back, briefly pretending the music was going. There were plenty of others partiers were doing the same.

"Actually, I'm going to leave with my friends," she admitted with a sweet smile, glossy sweat sparkling down her neck. "You're a great dancer, though."

You've got to be fucking kidding me. At this point Davrin must have put a curse on them, because never had Zi came to the club and left alone. What the fuck is going on? They felt around in their shirt jacket and found their keys. Maybe it's a good night for a long drive home, then.

The crowd started moving back upstairs, murmuring anger and disappointment as they filed out. Zi followed, watching their feet in case someone dropped a bill or two. They ended up snagging three bucks. Ok, their luck hadn't totally run out.

Zi was one of the last stragglers to make it out of the cramped basement stairs. The club door was open to let in a cold wet draft, but also the sounds of walkie talkies…shit. The red and blue lights bounced around in the stairwell like memories of the dance hall. Guess they understood why the party stopped now.

All along the avenue were three or four cop cars, with officers stationed at the sidewalk, ushering partygoers out of the way before heading back inside. Eventually, they stretched caution tape over the club entrance. Zi glanced for Elek, hoping to catch him and ask what happened, but couldn't find their old friend among the lingering crowd across the street.

With one of the dollars they found, Zi bummed a cigarette, twiddling it between their fingers until they got into their car, one of the few consistent loves in their life. Wicked Grace, or Grace, for short. She was a 1969 Nissan Skyline, a car they had worked three odd jobs to get. Part time waiter, selling, and making prints at Varric's shop. Only one of those gigs turned out long term, until it wasn't. They popped open the glove compartment, rummaging around for their lighter. Dice, an old pair of aviators, a few parking tickets, condoms…no lighter.

"Fuck," cigarette hanging from their lip, they grumbled.

Zi turned over the ignition and powered the radio. Time to go home. Alone, they were reminded. It was the last thing they wanted. Or needed. In the face of Davrin kicking them to the curb, Varric's death, and in that no job. No cash. Nothing but Grace, a shitty apartment, it was all becoming too much. The precarious stack of cards they had worked so hard to build seemed to be collapsing. How could they call up Myrna and ask for the academy's help again? No, no. They'll find another way. There was no need to go nuclear.

Without warning, the passenger side door whipped open and a figure in black sat next to them. Not some drunk asshole…

Zi whipped their head and spat, "Hey, this isn't a fucking cab—"

Their cheek was met with metal so cold it nearly burned. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Not again.

The shadow put pressure on the pistol's barrel against their face, "Drive. Fast."

"Hey, I don't want to get involved in whatever the fuck this is," Zi complained, their face pushing back on the gun.

"Battery tunnel. Now." he said. "Or I kill you and I drop you into the East River."

Zi hit the gas and pulled off. At this point they were convinced their life had become some cruel, tragic comedy. Down 7th Avenue as fast as they possibly could. Of course, it was 3AM, there was hardly any traffic so they were passing 42nd in less than a minute.

"Will you get that thing offa me—"

The shadow pressed it deeper, it was painful.

"Faster," he turned around, looking through the back window. Out of the corner of their vision Zi caught a flash of intense, dark eyes.

They gunned it, pedal almost to the floor, flying at speeds they only attempt on the expressway. Narrowly dodging other cars as they barreled downtown.

Grace swerved, nearly hitting a taxi on their left side. Zi, with many, many days spent putting her to the test was course correcting with little effort, but this Mexican standoff was making them more agitated by the second. You know how hard it is to make right turn with the business end of a gun jammed into your face?

Zi swallowed nervously, "If you're running from someone, you might as well tell me where the fuck we're going. I don't snitch."

"This is nice," the man remarked nonchalantly, admiring the interior and ignoring what they said entirely. "A powerful rally car. Fast."

At least he had taste in…wait, that voice. More specifically that accent. Once that panic subsided enough for them to think clearly, they realized. The Spaniard.

"You're…you're from the club." Zi stammered, fully recognizing the handsome man they had danced with earlier in the night. His face was cast in mostly shadow, but those eyes were unmistakable.

His stare changed, but only slightly. A sign of recognition. They had to win over his good graces. He was going to be a hard one to work, but Zi had cracked harder nuts. This night had turned into some twisted fucking nightmare.

The Spaniard paused, glancing down at the cigarette somehow still precariously dangling from their lips and reached into his jacket pocket. Zi flinched until they peeped the silver lighter gleaming in his fingers. Pistol still pressed firmly against them, he leaned in, flicking it open and alight just under the end. Close enough to get it to burn. They could still smell his cologne, just like from earlier, but now there was the distinct smell of…iron. Blood. His hands were covered in it. A few precious seconds with a semblance of calm passed and he let Zi take a long, exhausted drag.

"Thanks."

"No problem."

[4kts]

HELLO????? PPYONG?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?@8-#+#+@(#;*(#!#($!$?#("+$)1)$-8$;$(#

[justanisabelakinnie]

OMG I HAVE LITERALLY BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE!!! YAY!!! 😍

Anyway, listen guys. I love Mean Girls. It means(pun not intended) a lot to me. I was literally born the year it came out, so I like to joke that it is the same age as me. I also love the memes and quotes that came from the film, and even own a Mean Girls shirt that I wear on Wednesdays and every October 3rd. It is LITERALLY one of my top five movies of all time! Seriously, you guys don’t understand how much I fucking LOVE this movie. It is, like, SO FETCH!!!(sorry I just had to lol) However, as much as I love it, and as much as I appreciate its genuine attempts to expose and deconstruct the internalized misogyny that permeates high school and the way that girls are pitted against each other, I still have to admit…it does not like women. Or at least, it doesn’t like women who aren’t white, cishet, gender conforming, slim, and conventionally attractive, and sometimes, I’m not even sure it likes them either. And let me explain why.

To start, there’s the movie’s horrid portrayal of women of color. All the main characters are skinny, cishet, attractive white women. And what few women of color exists are only negative, racist, stereotypical caricatures. There are the unfriendly Black hotties, who are all lightskin and whom Cady greets by saying “Jambo”, there’s the “I’m from Michigan” girl whom Ms. Norbury assumes is from Africa for no apparent reason, and worst of all, there are the “Cool Asian” girls who sleep with the white gym coach and fight over him, which contributes to the sexualization of Asian women for the pleasure of white men. It’s quite ironic that this movie is supposed to be all about how girls shouldn’t fight over a guy, which it rightfully shows as wrong and takes seriously with the two lead white girls(Regina and Cady), but then it boils down the two Asian girls as catty, slutty bitches who fight over a white guy and plays this for laughs. One of them is even wrongly quoted as saying the n-word in the subtitles, and the movie is full of racist jokes like this in general. And when Gretchen joins the group at the end of the movie, she speaks fake Vietnamese, which is of course, played for laughs as well. There’s also a later scene in the movie where Kevin gently turns Cady down by saying “I only date women of color” and this is played for laughs, as if the idea that a man(even a man of color) would choose a woman of color as more desirable than a white woman is ridiculous and worthy of mockery. Yes, Gretchen is also portrayed as being manipulated by a skeezy guy, Karen is a “slut” who kisses her cousin, and Regina has sex with Shane Oman, but none of them are reduced to these traits the way Trang Pak and the other Cool Asian girls are, and even if they were, white girls are still widely seen as more pure and attractive and worthy of protection than girls of color, so it would still be worse for the Cool Asians. While I’m glad that the story shows that Coach Carr was a predator by having Principal Duvall say “step away from the underage girls” it’s still played for laughs, and the movie doesn’t give Coach Carr any comeuppance(and no, him fleeing school property isn’t comeuppance, I want to see him get arrested and imprisoned), which I will address further later. If Coach Carr was preying on white girls, I bet the movie would have taken it much more seriously, but because girls of color are innately sexual, they are open to being sexually abused and exploited, according to this movie. Also, Janis is Lebanese despite her actress being a white woman. In the world of Mean Girls, white girls are beautiful, the feminine ideal, and prized, while girls of color are just vapid sluts, wannabe icons, and pushed off to the background. And this is a “fact” that is never once contested, and as a Black girl, that irritates me.

Next there is the horrible lesbophobia. The entire movie relies on the fact that Regina excluded and ostracized Janis for being a lesbian, and now Janis wants revenge, so she uses Cady to ruin Regina’s life and get that revenge. This is not a problem, as it realistically shows how homophobia was a thing in the past and how lesbians and other gay people get excluded and isolated for their sexuality…or at least it would be if Janis was actually a lesbian. But at the end of the movie there’s a random scene where Janis is making out with Kevin, for literally no reason other than shock value. Because of this, the movie gives the impression that bullying a girl for being a lesbian is bad because she might actually turn out to be straight, implying that being a lesbian is the worst thing a girl could ever be. Which is so fucking disappointing because this movie which is supposedly all about female solidarity and how girls shouldn’t cat fight could have sent a message that you shouldn’t treat lesbians like predators or weirdos or outcasts just because they like girls, and that girls should accept other girls regardless of their sexuality. But instead of telling the audience that you shouldn’t bully girls for being gay because it’s wrong to treat being a lesbian as a bad thing, it instead sends the message that you shouldn’t bully girls for being gay because being gay actually IS a bad thing, and you shouldn’t call a girl gay when she isn’t. The scene where Janis kisses Kevin does not even affect the plot. It only exists to assure the audience that “phew, it turns out she’s straight after all!” and ensure that she’s still sympathetic because she’s not actually a nasty lesbian…but what if she was one? Would that really be so bad? Would that justify the Plastics bullying and ostracizing her? Would that make her deserve to become an outcast? Apparently so.

This is a perfect example of queerbaiting. If you’re gonna have a female character who is gender-non-conforming, is ostracized for being a lesbian, hangs out with an effeminate openly gay guy along with a bunch of “art freaks” and no one else, reacts with disgust after kissing that gay guy(who is likewise disgusted for obvious reasons), and is literally NAMED after a lesbian singer, then you’d better do the common sense thing and actually make her a lesbian. The movie constantly shows being a lesbian as the worst thing you could be and the worst insult that you could ever call someone, especially in the big climax scene where Cady snaps and tells Janis that it’s not her fault that Janis is in love with her, which is supposed to show that Cady has really crossed the line, but would have been much more effective if Janis was actually a lesbian, rather than it just being a rumor.

And if you’re one of those people who’s just gonna go “but the whole point is that they only thought she was a lesbian because she’s masculine, wouldn’t that be an unfair stereotype???” Hello, feminine lesbian here. Masculine lesbians still exist, and they are frequently underrepresented in media because people think it is somehow more “progressive” to have a masc female character “subvert stereotypes” by making up for her masculinity and still being romantically available to men. And secondly, there is more to Janis’ lesbian coding than just her not being hyperfeminine, as I said above. They literally named her after a real-life lesbian for God’s sake and her best friend is a gay man(because of course the two queer outcasts at school would find each other). It’s just queerbaiting at this point to make her so heavily lesbian-coded but not an actual lesbian. It’s like the movie was mocking those who might think she’s a lesbian by aggressively forcing her to be straight. It’s irritating and it’s painful. And if you still think that I am making this up and that the movie does not treat being a lesbian as a bad thing, there is a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scene during the Halloween party where Cady sees two random girls making out…and looks at them in disgust. This is never touched on again or called out by the narrative, so the intention is clear that the movie just wants us to think “two girls kissing? Ew, gross! Good thing Janis isn’t one, right?”

But while the movie does characterize masculine women poorly, it also does something similar to feminine women. The movie falls into the typical trap of associating femininity with vapidity, shallowness, materialism, vanity, and meanness. Regina’s redemption is associated with her playing hyper-aggressive sports which is often seen as more traditionally masculine(which I don’t personally agree with but the movie does portray it as such), while Karen and Gretchen stay an idiot and a shallow sycophant respectively, Cady becomes more and more feminine the meaner she becomes, and at the end of the movie she is shown dressing like her old self, but more fashionably. Now, I don’t think that the movie completely shows femininity in a bad light, considering that the Plastics, even after they break up, are still feminine, but I do think that it associates femininity more with being less sympathetic and smart. Especially since near the end of the movie, Janis angrily calls out Cady for being a mean girl, which would be fine if not for the fact that the movie completely glosses over the fact that Janis was also a mean girl as well, and portrays her as totally in the right. When Cady rightfully points out that Janis was also involved in this, Janis ignores it and blames solely Cady, and the movie encourages us to agree with her.

Near the end, during the dance, Cady apologizes to Janis, who snidely asks her if she’s still an asshole, which is teeth-grinding when you remember that Janis was ALSO an asshole, while the movie blames solely Cady for being a mean girl, and never Janis. The entire point of the movie is that all of the girls are mean girls, and here the narrative only blames the Plastics for being mean because they are popular and girlier, while pretending that everything Janis did was entirely justified and acceptable because she is more tomboyish and an outcast. And this isn’t me defending the Plastics, or saying that Janis deserved to be an outcast. But the movie should have held them ALL accountable, and not heralded Janis as a badass hero and an underdog throughout, when the point should have been that NONE of the girls were in the right, not even Janis.

So with that out of the way, even with all its flaws representation-wise, the movie still does a good job of showing toxic teenage girl culture and how girls shouldn’t be pit against each other, right? Except…no. It doesn’t. The movie fails to deliver its main message that teenage girls shouldn’t be in competition with each other, because it fails to properly examine WHY girls are pressured to compete with and undermine each other, and does nothing to critique the patriarchal society we live in that tells women to hate each other, fight over men, slut-shame each other, etc. none of the male characters are shown facing any comeuppance for how they treat the girls and women in the story, Jason isn’t shown learning to be a better person and respect Gretchen, Coach Carr, as said above, gets away scot-free with grooming and quite possibly raping two underage girls, Regina’s dad is barely in her life(though he does show sadness and disapproval at her actions), and the other male characters aren’t shown as being sexist or held responsible for any misogyny or leading the girls to have any internalized misogyny at all. This movie doesn’t show any of the social forces, or the types of sexist messages from men, that would lead girls to do things like backstab each other for boys, compete for male attention, dumb themselves down to not intimidate men, or develop eating disorders. Instead, the movie simply blames the women themselves and acts as if girls act this way just because, or because they feel like it, which sends the accidental message that girls act this way because they’re naturally catty and bitchy and competitive towards each other. Instead of saying “girls feel pressured to fight each other because guys compare them or tell them that they are less than” or something like it, the movie merely asserts that “girls need to stop catfighting and acting petty and cruel and sneaky all the damn time”. It acts like girls are just that bitchy and insecure and constantly crave male validation because that’s simply how girls are, not because society engineers and pressures them to be that way.

One thing I really can’t stand is that popular quote from Ms. Norbury that goes “you guys have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores! It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores!” And how everybody in the fandom praises and celebrates that line and acts like it’s totally revolutionary and empowering. When all it does is imply that men being sexist to women is women’s own fault and something that they brought upon themselves through their actions. It’s victim-blamey “men respect women who respect themselves” type bullshit. It pins the blame of internalized misogyny onto women themselves and acts like we’re the ones who chose to pit women against each other, when in reality it is MEN who pit women against each other, leading to some women internalizing that.

In addition, the scene where Cady is told by Ms. Norbury “you don’t have to dumb yourself down to get guys to like you” would have been more meaningful if the movie actually showed why Cady does think that, like having a guy tell Cady that smart women are unattractive or that she’s intimidating men by being too good at math and no guy will dare date her because of it, leading to her thinking it’s true because she’s naïve and doesn’t know any better. The same is true for the Plastics looking in a mirror and hating themselves, Regina being obsessed with staying skinny, and Regina’s mom having breast implants(which the movie also makes fun of, by the way 😒). But the movie doesn’t show any of that. The closest it comes to that is showing Regina’s little sister Kylie dancing to an inappropriate music video on TV, but she’s so unimportant that it means nothing in the grand scheme of things(and also…it’s played for laughs once more. Sigh). Once again, the blame is placed entirely on the women themselves for acting this way. It’s not like society’s messages breed internalized misogyny in women, no, it’s just natural, that’s just how women are. Women, amirite? Bitches be crazy. #JustGirlyThings. It’s gross.

Once again, Mean Girls is a fun movie. It’s fabulous, it’s fierce, it’s iconic, it has amazing costume and set design and dialogue and an incredible banger soundtrack. And it has great female characters, too! In the main cast, at least. And I love each and every single one of them to death! But is it a feminist film? No way, honey. Nuh-uh. Not in the slightest. I know that this review sounds like I am hating on Mean Girls, but I genuinely do enjoy it. And I genuinely do also think that it really did try to send a feminist message about female friendships and solidarity. It was, after all, inspired by a parental self-help book called Queen Bees and Wannabes, which is all about female social hierarchies in high school. But unfortunately, it fumbled the bag, not just because it failed at its core message, but because of how it writes all types of women negatively, as I stated above. You can adore something and acknowledge its flaws. You can love a work and admit that it’s not perfect. You can enjoy a story without it being the most progressive and revolutionary think piece ever and you’re not less open-minded for loving it. But you still gotta be honest with yourself. And so do I.

I suppose that, for me, Mean Girls would be placed in the “it thinks it likes women, it WANTS to like women, but it doesn’t” category. Because that’s where it belongs. It tries so hard to be a feminist film, but it’s overshadowed by white feminism, lesbophobia, racialized misogyny, and a whole host of other things that prevent it from being the feminist groundbreaker that it tries to be. It’s not as bad as the Barbie movie, but irs still pretty bad. So despite my deep and sincere love for this movie, I can’t in good faith vote yes. Mean Girls thinks it likes women, it wants to like women, but it does not. It especially doesn’t like women like me, probably because it doesn’t consider women like me to be worthy of being liked, or as anything other than a caricature or a negative example of what to avoid. And that’s just a fact that I have to accept. 😞

Does Mean Girls (the movie) like women?

Mean Girld (Film, 2004)

Explain your reasoning in the tags!

[skeleslime-phantom]

They're getting better and better~

[mediumgayitalian]

prev

———

Twenty minutes later, Solace hurries out of his cabin in cowboy boots.

And jeans.

Nico gapes at him.

“Go go go go go, questions later,” Will hisses, herding him behind the Apollo cabin. “We are on a time limit, we gotta —”

“You’re wearing close-toed shoes.”

“Yes, yes, sometimes I wear the clothes that I own. Wild. Let’s go.” Will tugs, uselessly, on his arm, but Nico’s half-certain his jaw has taken root in the ground, cementing him in place, because what the actual shit.

“Solace, you wore flip-flops to the snow-smothered bus stop in January. I thought you had, like, a condition!”

“I do have a condition. It’s called You Are Not Hurrying, Death Breath, let’s go —”

This time when he pulls, Nico stumbles after him, ducking under windowsills and inching around flower gardens. Every time someone so much as looks in their direction, Will plants both hands on his chest and shoves them into a corner somewhere, craning his neck to watch until they move on. Every time he does, another piece of Nico’s soul breaks away from his body and descends into hell. There is an actual trail of bones and tilled earth and dead grass behind him. Will doesn’t need to worry about being stealthy — the death aura of Nico’s dignity is large enough to scare off anything within a four mile radius.

“In here!”

Undeterred by the death aura, for some reason, Will seizes his bicep and shoves him in a crack between the Hypnos and Dionysus cabins. He slips in a millisecond later, crowding him against the warm bricks, forearm pressed awkwardly next to Nico’s head.

“Hnggh,” Nico gasps, mournfully wishing his last sliver of self-respect goodbye. Rest in fucking peace. “Do you have to be so — close, Will, gods —”

“Shhh!”

“If you shush me again I am going to rip your throat out —”

“Go, go, go!”

Yanked forward again, Nico doesn’t have the time to finish his threat. This time, at least, they sprint the final stretch to the shed without any more hiding and shoving.

Thank all the fucking gods. One more second of Will’s stupid torso — since fucking when does he wear polo shirts, huh, what the shit fuck is up with that — pressed against his and Nico’s bronchitis was going to come back. And this time he’s going to succumb to it.

“Okay,” Will says. He stands in front of a tarp-covered lump, gripping one side and jutting his chin out at the other. “On three, we tear this off and start pushing. We need past Thalia’s tree in under thirty seconds. Got it?”

“No,” Nico says stubbornly, “you still haven’t explained what the rush is —”

“One two three go!”

Will, unfortunately, has been tricking ADHD teenagers into doing things they don’t want to do for years, so Nico’s ripping off the tarp and shoving the chariot out of its stall faster than he can register what he’s doing. He practically sprints to keep up with Will, chariot wheels creaking happily as they rush over stones and sticks and forgotten weapons.

“We’re leaving now, Chiron! Bye!” Will hollers, moving too fast to give him a second to respond. Luckily, Chiron is similarly busy, galloping after a speeding Harley without more than a backwards wave and a sharp don’t die, please!

“That dynamite I gave Harley’ll only keep everyone distracted another thirty seconds,” Will mutters, ignoring Nico’s alarmed the fucking what you gave Harley, “so we need to move, let’s go.”

“Will — slow down a half fucking second, Christ, not everyone is seventy percent leg — we don’t even have pegasi!”

“Will you keep it down.” Will looks back and forth, eyes wide, like he’s worried someone is going to pop up with a pack of the winged animals. “Just — stop asking questions! We’re almost home free!”

“You’ve gone insane. It’s finally, actually happened, after all these years, who woulda thought, fully bonkers at age sixteen —”

“Oh, shut up.”

Muttering his complaints, Nico helps him push the infernal chariot down Half-Blood Hill. Among his grievances, he makes it abundantly clear that 1) this is stupid, 2) he did not agree to physical labour, 3) he would not have agreed to come if he had known about the physical labour, and 4) this is stupid.

“Just a few more yards, then we can —”

“Okay, no, that’s it.” Nico lets go of the chariot, letting the wheel dig into the soft ground and send the whole thing halting. He meets Will’s pout head-on; arms crossed, jaw set, foot tapping, refusing to give into those big blue eyes.

“C’mon, Neeks.” A faint explosion sounds off in the distance. Will’s eyes get more pleading, more hopeful. “We won’t have much time after the diversion wears off…”

“You have three seconds before I turn the hell around, Solace.”

“Please?”

“One.”

He pushes uselessly at the chariot. It spins a sad little circle without someone pushing the other side. “Neeks!”

“Two.”

“Alright, fine! Help me push again and I’ll explain on the way down.”

“Much easier when you just do as I say,” Nico grumbles, starting to push the stupid (horseless and therefore useless) chariot again. “Isn’t it?”

Will, predictably, rolls his eyes, although he can’t quite help the smile that pulls at his lips. Nico tells the butterflies that go buck fucking wild in his stomach to go to hell. This does nothing.

“How much do you know about the chariot?” Will asks eventually, after a couple minutes of shoving the stupid thing past a deep trench in the soil, leftover from the war. (Nico is going to set the fucking thing on fire. It’s a flying chariot — shouldn’t it be lightweight? Why is he suffering?) They’re nearly three quarters down the hill, and it takes everything Nico has not to risk it all and shadow travel the last couple dozen feet. Yeah, it might kill him, but then his problem would immediately go away. Tempting does not begin to cover it.

“Uh, big source of drama, right? Apollo and Ares worked together to seize it, argued over who got to keep it?”

He cuts a careful glance over to Will, well aware it’s a sensitive topic. He knows the question isn’t a trap — Will would never do that to him — but it’s probably best to tread lightly. As far as he’s concerned, this is a sore point that’ll take more than a couple years to heal.

Luckily, there’s no tension to Will’s face. “Mhm. I wasn’t there for much of the planning, ‘cause I was busy in the infirmary and also, like, twelve, but it took a lot of time on both sides. When Michael and everyone seized it, though, it glowed gold.”

“…Ah.”

Will snorts at his awkwardness, nudging his shoulder. “Yeah. Sure made it hard for the Ares cabin to claim, as dicey as it may be. Here, help me park it on the side of the road.”

There’s a thatch of weeds and undergrowth separating the road from the base of the hill, so dragging the chariot over is a struggle and a half. Nico can’t help but think that this task would be very easy if the chariot was harnessed to a couple pegasi and flying over the fucking thatch, as it is meant to do. When he voices this very valid thought, Will does not respond.

He does walk into a thistle, though, so Nico feels considerably better about the whole ordeal.

“The thing about the blessing —” Will grunts, yanking the chariot onto the gravel shoulder with one final tug — “is that it’s not that big of a deal. My dad blesses shit all the time. Our cabin is blessed. The infirmary is blessed. Hell, half my scalpels are blessed, and I throw those things out all the time ‘cause they’re dangerous when they get dull. Just because my dad blessed it doesn’t mean we actually have to keep it.”

“Okay…” Nico says slowly, “then why was it such a big deal?”

“The blessing on its own wasn’t.” Will’s voice gets fainter as he lowers himself onto the pavement, dragging himself under the belly of the chariot. Nico is confused for a full three seconds before a particularly rough patch of asphalt snags Will’s shirt and drags, and wow, are those jeans low rise. His throat is suddenly very dry. “Blessing a chariot on the other hand…”

Will makes a dorky little noise of success, crawling back from under the chariot. When he resurfaces, he’s grinning, carved piece of wood the same material as the chariot clenched in his hand. There’s soot smeared across his left cheek, his curls have tangled themselves into more of a mess than usual, and there are three separate scuff marks on his nice jeans.

Nico ducks his head, hiding a smile. What a dorky loser. Even dressed up as he is (boy, has Nico fallen low, if he’s calling jeans and cowboy boots dressed up), he still manages to look like…Will.

A really, really hot version of Will, but. Whatever. Details.

“The hell is that?”

“This,” Will says grandly, feeling around the wall of the chariot until he finds a specific spot, “is the reason my brother gave a fuck about a dumbass chariot.” He sticks the edge of the wooden tool in a tiny groove, wedging it open to reveal a hidden panel and a small, golden button. Nico meets Will’s grin with raised eyebrows, impressed.

“What do you know about Michael?”

“Uh, not too much.”

“You think he, in any reality, would have had that much interest in a hunk of wood?”

Nico had scarcely met him more than a couple times, but Michael Yew made an impression, that was for sure. For someone who was shorter than Nico when he was ten years old, he sure took up a lot of space. In the few times Nico remembers seeing him, he’d been concerned with his bow, his camera, or showing any given person who so much as blinked at him wrong just how quickly he could turn their ass concave. If Nico is correct, actually, the one time he and a pegasus had been in the same vicinity, they’d hissed at each other. Nico didn’t even know pegasi could hiss.

He tries to find a delicate way to say this.

“He seemed more interested in other endeavours,” he says politely.

Will laughs loudly. “He would rather shove an arrow in his eye than race a chariot!” His bright smile is impossible not to match, and Nico is relieved to find him totally comfortable, relaxed; hell, even excited. Usually, any talk of his siblings, even fond, makes him quiet. He’s glad for this change, however unusual. “Man, I loved my brother more than anything, but he was the most ornery motherfucker I’ve ever met in my life. He taught me every swear in every language by the time I was nine, just because he knew it would drive Lee batty. He didn’t care about some spoil of war.”

He smirks, wide and devilish, and Nico’s knees go weak. Dimples like that should be illegal.

“He was smart, though. And he figured, if dad’s blessing made this chariot anything like his own…”

He reaches out and presses the golden button with his thumb, letting go and standing back once he registers a faint click. After a couple seconds, the chariot begins to glow, soft at first, then brighter, then Nico has to squeeze his eyes shut to avoid the stinging burn, and then when he opens them, it —

He gapes. Will grins.

Where the chariot used to be, is now a shiny, brand-new, black and yellow motorbike, two helmets gleaming on the sparkling leather seat.

“…Then it might be a little more than some lousy chariot.”

Without waiting for Nico to pick his jaw off the floor, Will rushes forward. He tosses one of the helmets to Nico — which he barely manages to catch, still working on processing what the fuck just happened — and tucks the other under his arm. Nico happens to notice how his biceps flex with the action, and then vows to have his father bankrupt the entire polo shirt industry, because he can never be caught lacking like this by any mortal soul. It’s humiliating.

There’s a click as Will unlatches the seat, lifting it up to access the compartment under it. He pulls out a bundle mass of black fabric, and with a flick of his shoulders reveals it to be a fucking leather jacket and oh, gods, Nico takes back the polo shirt complaints, he can live with the polo shirt. This is too much. This is —

“Any time you’re done ogling at me, you can climb on,” Will calls out. He doesn’t even have the good grace to look in Nico’s direction, instead sliding on the seat facing resolutely forward, amused smirk on his face. And because he wants Nico to die, actually, he straightens his jacket, making sure it fits his shoulders right (by the gods does it ever) brushes his hair backwards (there is no genuine reason for someone’s hair to actually shine in the sunlight) and slides his helmet on. When he finally does look back in Nico’s direction, through his raised visor, the combined sight of his sparkling blue eyes and the cut of his face under the angular helmet actually gives him tachycardia.

“I hate you,” Nico croaks. “Not joking.”

Will throws his head back and laughs, baring his long, tanned throat. Nico follows the bob of his adam’s apple like Tantalus does the forbidden fruit. It’s horrible, and what’s worse is that Will is visibly preening like the fuckin’ peacock he is. Someone should remind him he’s basically a dressed up turkey. Or something. Nico’s brain is operating at twenty percent capacity, his ability to metaphor properly is a secondary concern.

“Just get over here, you goober. We’re on a time limit, remember?”

Shoving his helmet on to hide his flaming face, Nico does, sliding on with a healthy four inches of space between them.

“Mm, not gonna work, ParaNorman. This thing’s enchanted, we’ll be going well over a hundred. Hold on properly.”

Praying to seven different gods for strength, at once, Nico scooches the agonizing few inches closer.

“Hands around waist, Death Boy.”

“I’m fucking — I’m getting there, you asshole, gimme a goddamn second.”

“Do you need help?”

“I need you to shut the fuck up so I can focus.”

Maybe it’s the healer in him, or maybe there actually is a god looking out for Nico and they decide to have mercy. Maybe it’s a third option. Either way, Will reaches back and wraps his callused hands around Nico’s wrist, tugging them gently forward and resting them on the narrow curve of his hips. Nico holds them there, along with his breath, until some of the panicky tension starts to loosen in his chest, and he relaxes forward, resting his chest against Will’s back.

“There,” he says quietly, humming with approval when Nico’s arms link properly around his waist. He squeezes his clasped wrists once — a silent you good? — and waits for Nico’s minute nod, face buried in the back of Will’s neck, before starting up the engine, revving it twice before leaning forward, body flush to the bike. Nico can practically feel his grin, it’s so clear in his mind’s eye, in the delight thrumming through Will’s entire body, that he can’t help his own smile, too, can’t help but feel the thrum of the machine, the sharp smell in the air. He tightens his hold and Will lets out a loud, whooping laugh.

“Let’s ride, baby!”

With a push off the ground and a twist of a thrusters, they’re off, leaving behind only the echo of the roaring engine and the joyful, startled sound of Nico’s shriek.

———

next

[piccoloswifers]

[optimism-blooms]

Favorite Outfits: Jeremiah Fisher • The Summer I Turned Pretty S2 (2023)

Bonus •

[squiddlysq]

Love is Love is Love & so on & so forth

[sprunkimortality]

*turns saves into a girl*

Saves: "W- Was I supposed to feel something...?"

[boringkate]

How to have a succesful indie porn career!!!

1) Get a studio apartment in a city with affordable rent and then never move.

2) Live in a city with good public transit so that you won't have to own a car or take ubers.

3) Be in a place with free healthcare.

[simcoesleftear]

So it turns out the turn fandom has its very own cryptid:

the george washington stans

[deadwooddross]

Poppin in for the first time in a few months— I’ve been following your art on and off for like two years now, and I just want to say that your art style is still one of my favorite art styles. It’s unique, I love you draw noses/mouths/eyes (gods i love the way you draw mouths and teeth and facial expressions in general, am trying to learn from how you do this because it’s SO GOOD) in a really detailed way while still maintaining stylization, and the grittiness of a lot of your art really inspires me! 

 Also, your armada of trans characters (happy early pride, btw!) are wonderful. Umami in particular is my beloved (to be loved is to be changed indeed, she’s wonderful, and I think about that particular post all the time). Gender stuff’s been funky for me over the past few years, and your peeps have been something of a comfort for me as I figure myself out. Especially because a lot of your characters don’t adhere to strict gender norms— they just exist in their gender, whether that’s dude or woman or nb or something else, and it’s been helping me figure out that I can just exist wherever I’m at, too. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but yeah, it’s appreciated.

I also just really appreciate the diversity in your character designs in general, especially as someone who struggles with variation in character design. I might be rambling here, but even amongst all your fantasy stuff (I’m not quite sure what warhammer is, but you make it look epic), your people just look like they’d be regular people. Like no shade on other artists!, but at the same time, the same anime-esque small nose round/oval face different hair different eyes athletic build for everyone’s favorite characters gets samey after awhile, and i don’t know a lot of people who look like that in real life, y’know? While like your characters like Lyell and human Umami (off the top of my head) and your less obviously fantastical designs in general look like people I could run into while, like, I dunno, grocery shopping or something. They’re unique, but they’re also grounded. It’s definitely something I want to bring to my own art— it makes me feel like I could connect to the character designs more because of it. 

I hope this all made sense, but basically your art is really really cool, and you’re character designs are top notch! wishing you a wonderful Pride and a great rest of your week

I've just been looking at this ask every now and then like :] wahhh, thanks!! it's always nice to get an idea of what it is people See in my art these days, since it just kinda looks 'normal' to me haha. Never really think of it as being all that stylized until I realize oh wait, most people are out here drawing much more reasonably sized mouths, oops, and i love regular people! Truly some of the best inspiration for interesting character designs to me are usually out buying corn nuts and a beer at the gas station and whathaveyou...regular people are great, i recommend jotting down any interesting folks you see as fast as you can, like a monk frantically scribbling down a vision from heaven

[coconutcows]

I finally got to watch the new episode and I have to say my favourite part was when Marcille asked if one Senshi was more attractive than usual and both Laois and Chilchuck were like “what are you talking about Senshi always looks bangin????”