#THIS IS WHAT RELFECTS IN MY ENERGY

[safesthaveninexistence]

EXACTLY!!!!!!💕💕💕🥰🥰🥰🥰💕💕✨✨✨

Your aura is attractive because your energy is genuine.

[crows-in-the-house]

Bill Cipher x Reader possesion hc's

tw: harm to reader, violence and blood?

i think he would posses you in your sleep, making sure you are deep in nightmare realm, getting in only when he's sure you won't wake up :

he will start his fun with drawing eyes on your eyelids and your forehead, maybe whole body if he's in the mood,

and the best part? It's going to be with a the pernament marker sucker!

if he gets bored he might start drawing triangles or riddles, sometimes just in places you won't see, like "Bill's property" on your nape (ha! you still have that you fool!)

oooh, and maybe he will tattoo that if you've been ignoring him lately

just so you know haha

will try to see if he can bite of ur fingers

will eat spiders (his fav human must be well feed)

will bath you in nailpolish so you're "well preserved"

will prank call random people hoping he finds any of the Pines numbers (so you two can go on a murder date!!)

will make a fashion show!

but don't hope it will turn out well, he will cut out "clothes" out of your curtains, make a shawl out of toilet paper and use a grater as a bracelet. Later you may just find yourself half naked cuz he bearly knew how to put back normal clothes on you (he will defend himself saying that real clothes are boring and out of style)

on the other hand he will also put on lots of jewelry and accesories - so you may also wake up with three hats, old winter glove, two bowties (which you didn't own earlier?) and 6 rings on your toes. enjoy!

sometimes Bill will just watch tv. Maybe he will comment on "my little ponny" or other shows, what else can he do? He has to talk to somebody, you know, while waiting for his lazy human. The next day you can feel ur throat burning and eyes itching

"what about building a portal?" - you would ask. Well no, he obviously does that. It's just that it's not so enjoyable when you don't have anyone to boss around! So he gets bored quickly and nags you about it later. Or send you more nightmares about it, cuz how dare you be so sloppy with your work!?

he will also draw himslef on all your mirrors so you can look at him every time u try to look at ur relfection (if you try to clean that off, he will just scratch it with something sharp the next day, so better be cearful, theres going to be lots of glass shards everywhere)

prolly will just throw brokade everywhere cuz its pretty

if he's feeling lonely or desperate he will start rewiring your brain, maybe adding a few fake memories where he's your hero, or putting himself in a place of somebody that helped you in hard sytuation. Remember that one time you got sick and somebody was next to your bed 24/7? Yeah it was Bill, do thank him.

will read all your thoughts about him

will drink a soup made of energy drinks and candy

will write his name on ur brain. or heart. or lungs, maybe just everywhere, why not?

will act like you in front of the mirror and compliment himself!

will try making a piercing. if he fails with your ears he will just practice on your tights! And neck!

will haunt down your friends, you better tell them you were just playing tag with them. Yes, with a knife, who doesn't?

will try to lick your eyeball

and elbow

also will hurt your body in weird ways but that obvious

(buuuut maybe, just maybe, he will make you not feel all the pain the next day. If he likes you that enough, that is)

[scarlemagne69]

For my first OP, here's a list of Shadow Work Journal prompts to "sponsor your next menty b" as one of my friends said when shown this list.

-Fear: Imagine yourself unafraid.You have no doubts, no worries, no fears of the unknown. The things you used to worry about do not exist. Write about what you would do if this was the case. What would you do if you weren't afraid?

-Putting Yourself Last: Where are you putting yourself last? Think of the last time you did this to yourself in an unhealthy way. Why did you put aside your own well being and needs?

-Inspiration: Think of a time when you felt a spark of joy and inspiration. Your mind was full of awe and wonder. Where were you? What were you doing? Were you with someone? Write about what inspires you.

-Jealousy: Who are you jealous of? What desires lie behind your jealousy? How often do you feel jealousy?

-Tolerating: What are you tolerating that you do not want to be? Think of any self sabotaging behaviors and question why you continue to repeat those negative actions and/or thoughts.

-Dream Life: Envision your dream life. What would your daily experience be if you were living your dream life tomorrow? What is holding you back from experiencing this?

-Facing Your Fear: What is your biggest fear in life? If it were to happen, what would you do? How would you feel?

-Parental Influence: What parts of your parents or guardians do you notice reflected in yourself? What traits, both good and bad, are you inheriting from them? How can you break the negative behavioral chains that run through your family?

-Low Energy: Think back to the last time you were drained. What were you doing? Who were you with? What did you need at that moment?

-Judgement: What do you judge others for? Do you do the same things that you judge others for? What do you judge yourself for?

-Holding On: What are you holding onto that still hurts you so deeply?

-Avoidance: Motivation moves you forward, but what are you moving away from? What do you try your best to avoid in life? Are there certain emotions attached to these things that you don't want to experience?

-Childhood: In your childhood, what did you not receive? How has this impacted you? What do you think would be different if you had received this?

-Self: Your authentic self is what hides behind layers of learned masks. Is there anything you wish more people knew about you? Why don't they know already?

-Secret: What is your biggest secret? Why is this a secret? How would you feel if others knew?

-Anger: What makes you angry? Why does it make you angry? How do you cope with your anger?

-Change: Change is a natural constant. Sometimes, change is optional. Do you prefer change or do you avoid it? Why? How well do you handle it?

-Anxiety: What makes you anxious? Why? How do you cope with anxiety?

-Less: Relfect on everything you have, physical and nonphysical. Sometimes things can energetically weigh our quality of living down. What do you need less of?

-Traits: What traits do you dislike the most about yourself? How can you show these parts of yourself compassion and love?

-Nightmare: What is your worst nightmare? Why is it your worst?

-Pride: Reflect on your past accomplishments. Out of all of them, what are you most proud of? Why? How does this motivate you currently?

-Self Image: How do you think others see you? How would you like to be seen and why? What do you believe is the most authentic version of yourself?

-Childhood Trauma: What experiences fid you have as a child that impacted you in a negative way? Why was it so traumatic?

-Personal Change: What are 10 ways you have changed in the past 10 years? Are these mainly positive or negative?

-Biggest Dreams: What are your biggest dreams in life? If your biggest dream happened, what would you do? How would you feel?

-Freedom: What does freedom mean to you? When do you feel free? What is stopping you from experiencing freedom?

-Critical: When are you the hardest on yourself? Why? How do you feel when you become hypercritical? In what ways can you be more kind and understanding?

[plutoswrath]

hi!! I'd rly like your insight on both my BML and asteroid lilith being in virgo 😭 I'm a virgo rising too btw <3

Hello fellow Virgo rising, haha! x

BML in Virgo plays more on the fear of being unworthy/not good enough, these people can be very criticizing, rigid, they have high standards for others and can give others the feeling they didn’t do enough/aren’t enough, but this is mostly a relfection of their own critical self reflection. They can shut out any form of warmth, affection and empathy if necessary to get their way or put people in place. Chances are they fear any kind of disorder and failure, because they have been disappointed and scrutinized and criticized by others a lot, they may have been shamed for their failures or had to endure some sort of ‘lesson’ as a consequence. These people have a deep rooted problem in forgiving the self and forgiving others, that’s why they hold others and themself to such high standards. BML in Virgo also feels restricting in self expression. There is always a boundarie, a rule or guide to follow, a standard to hold on that forces the individual to act accordingly and supress inner needs and desires, as well as the sexual nature. This can add to the nervous and rigid energy of the individual, which can result in outbursts of frustration or recklessness. 

Asteroid Lilith in Virgo can bring disorder in order to create new order. She may be seen as hard to handle or stand because of her nature to observe every small detail, she questions orders given and wants to reinvent them. She might be seen as unfriendly and cold due to this, people might see her as ‘no fun’, but chances are she suffered herself from the consequences of faulty rules and guidelines. With a indset like that, she can project her own worry and stress on others, again, Virgo is nervous energy and she has the potential to make other feel nervous too. What she has to balance is her quick judgement and fear of chaos or other peoples point of views. Emotional detachement (because this Lilith is very sensitive) will bring her peace and spare her unecessary fights. 

[thecookieborn]

Now For Something Completely Diferent

Music is one of my tools to get to know someone. I realised that it doesn’t take much for people to open up about what music they like. They get to talk about themselves and it isn’t a particualrly deep topic. That’s the trick at least. I’ve asked one simple question to plently of people. What’s your favoutive album of all time?

I’ve definitly gotten some odd answers but no bad ones. The answers always shows me something new about them. Beyond there music taste as well. Lots of people have given be “dark” kinds of answers, which makes sense. Lots of people go through some dark stuff and that usually has a lasting impact. My favourites are always the ones that take a bit more thought. 

I asked the question a couple of years ago and I got the answer, Cry Baby by Melanie Martinez. This has become a particulalry fond album in my collection. Not because I think it’s neccisaryly anything special on it’s own but simply becasue of the message I got from it. The album is probably best described as a dark pop album. Which fit the reccomnede to a tee. If she did it on purpose or not I don’t know. The nature of the songs even went far enough to be similar to her personality. All seemed like so much fun at the surface level but there was definilty a cry for help in there. 

That isn’t exaclty a deep analysis of the ablum but that isn’t the point. I started relfecting on my personal favouritve ablum after this though. Which I gave that honour to Two Left’s Don’t Make A Right ... But Three Do by Relient K. Not becuase it made me cry and not even because any of the songs have super strong meanings it simply was such a huge part of my persnoal devlopment it simply had to be. 

I’ve lisened back through it recently though and realised somehting neat. In my latest set of personal growth I’ve seen a large amount of chaotic good. The kind of “be nice to yourself or else” type of being. Whilst the album doesn’t personify that entierly, it does have high energy and posertivity that is genuine. 

[nautiscarader]

Robstar 29

Incorporating two prompts I got on FF: starfire comes from another planet to save her species by finding a mate (and bringing him home to the others).raven meditating and picking up starfire and robin in another room.

()(Ao3)(next>>)

Sitting on her bed with her legs crossed, Raven closed her eyes and attuned herself to the movements of the spheres, gently floating into the air. Her dark room allowed her the comfort necessary to achieve such mental state, and  thanks to her astute mind and training, there was very little that could have disturbed her.

Unfortunately, that very little happened to occupy the room next to her.

When Raven felt the sudden, overwhelming spike of emotions, she lost her balance and fell to her bed, flailing her legs and arms, like a spinning top thrown out of its perfect rhythm. It took her a moment to realise what was the cause of the interruption, when another burst of positive, glowing energy reached her through the walls, confirming her worries. As a trained empath, Raven could easily detect the emotions of her friend on the opposite side of the wall, despite its thickness, strengthened by various materials meant to stop sound or vibrations penetrating it (and truth to be told, Raven and Beast Boy were partially responsible for that addition).

But Raven didn’t need superhearing or x-ray vision to know what was going on the other side. Her hyper-active friend, Starfire, glowed like a bright light in the darkness, and in her state, it was a flame so vivid and colourful Raven was worried it might become a wildfire soon. A much more subdued source of energy appeared in the form of her boyfriend, and she was sure the spike of energy occurred exactly when Starfire began undoing her clothes. Raven has seen the pattern before, and knew it was only a matter of time until their desire would explode, and the only reason why it hasn’t yet was because the two were probably talking about something. And though she wanted to go back to her meditation, Raven wondered what they were talking about…

- Robin… - Starfire asked timidly, undoing buttons of her shirt - Shall we engage in another play of the roles? - A roleplay? - Robin approached towards her and placed a single kiss on her now-exposed shoulder, while his hand brushed her thigh. - I’m all ears. - No, you’re not. You’re all you. - Starfire spoke - Or is that one of verbal phrases? - Yes, yes, it is Starfire. - Robin chuckled. - So, what was that roleplay idea?

As if a trumpet was blown right next to her ear, Raven jolted in place at the same time as Starfire leaned and whispered her idea into Robin’s ears. Their auras mixed and pulsed with a new kind of desire she hasn’t felt with them so far, only strengthening her curiosity. And whether she wanted to or not, she has become a witness of some colourful spectacles of emotions in her room, and reluctantly understood that there was no point in trying to go back to her meditation.

- And? - Starfire asked, blinking - Does my idea possess enough kink? - Yeah, I’d say so… - Robin gulped, and took a step back - Ready when you are…

Starfire cleared her throat and floated a few inches above the ground, watching as Robin’s face is torn with a pretence grimace.

- Greetings, human - she spoke in a stoic, and near-regal tone. - I am Princess Koriand'r of Tamaran, and I seek your help. - An… an alien! From another world! - Robin spoke, watching as Starfire twirls around in mid-air. - That is true. I am a magical princess from another dimension.

She bowed and moved her arms, drawing a flaming arc above her head.

- I have come here to seek help of your people, for you see, my planet is dying.

She floated towards him and cupped his face, staring into his eyes as she gathered strength to fully articulate the naughty idea that has been sitting on her mind for quite some time.

- I, and many others, are in a dire need of a mate. Wars have diminished our supplies of men, and so, we were sent to other worlds to find… the most suitable of them…

Raven felt how their foreplay changed when Starfire’s voice became more and more salacious, and without becoming fully aware of it, Raven’s hand gravitated towards her sex, and she began mashing her pussy and clit first through her fabric, and then directly, as her fingers slipped underneath her costume.

- W-wait! - Robin protested - Does- does that mean that I- - If you’d be chosen, you’d travel to my planet to help us reach numbers from before the war. But I need first to test you if you are worthy of becoming the saviour of my kind.

She undid the security locks of her costume, and one by one the blue-purple armor fell to the floor, increasing Robin’s pulse witch each piece. On the other side of the wall, Raven wondered what the two were doing; she deduced they must still be in the foreplay stage, but with each second, their energies glowed more and more brightly, until suddenly, a flash appeared in her mind, at the same time as last piece of Starfire’s costume fell to the floor and she was dragged into Robin’s laps.

Their lips met in a hungry, ravenous kiss that lasted only a few seconds, as Starfire broke it looking deep into Robin’s genuinely confused eyes.

- Robin of Earth! Is this necessary for procreating? - We call it “love” - he added, placing another kiss on her exposed bosom - Don’t you have that? - I feel my people will have a lot to learn from you…

Starfire smiled and allowed Robin to overtake her, pushing her to the bed, while his kisses slowly ventured down, alongside her voluptuous breasts, flat belly and down her long legs, deliberately missing her wet sex. He looked up, hearing an annoyed gasp from her, and he only returned a cocky smile, while his arms kept her legs from impatient flailing. He stared for a moment at her radiant face, enveloped with the red halo of her hair, before he dived between her legs, listening to the sweet music of her moans produced when his tongue met with her lips.

Rave could feel the same spikes of energy, and could almost see Starfire’s back arching and her levitating in the air as Robin caressed her. She ditched all the pretence and threw aside her cape, and relaxed on the bed, raising her legs to get her hands better access to her wet sex. She drained the emotions, fed on them, and she came close to her orgasm at the same time as Starfire coated Robin’s face with her juices, after his lengthy set of licks and kisses.

- Is… is this what happens before mating? - Starfire asked, continuing her naive play. - Sometimes, if a man cares about his woman… - I think I made a good decision, then…

She reached her arms and pulled Robin towards her, tasting herself on his lips, as her boyfriend got comfortable between her legs. His hands gravitated towards her hips, and with no effort, he gently pushed them against her body, slowly puling her behind up, until Starfire caught onto the idea and helped him maintain the highly erotic position.

- Ready? - I certainly am. - she nodded.

With her legs locked underneath her arms, Robin had the perfect view of her pussy, adorned with a small bush of fiery, red hair. He grabbed her thighs again, and staring into her widened eyes, he hilted himself in, slow at first, and then, as Starfire’s voice grew, faster, until she was babbling, begging him to speed up. With a quick grunt he fulfilled her promise, and next thing she knew, he was balls deep inside her, feeling her body twitch and quiver as her nerves were suddenly set on fire with the rapid thrust.

But Robin did not respond to that, knowing well her raised voice was nothing to be concerned. Soon her cries turned into moans and wails, encouraging him to continue his noble quest, her voice breaking and quivering as her body rocked under Robin’s constant, rhythmic thrusts.

- Ro-Robin! Please do not-not stop the mating! - I’m not… gonna.

Robin flexed his feet and leaned over her, pressed his lips against hers as his hips mercilessly pounded her, diving his cock in and out. And behind the wall, Raven was spasming and writhing, inches away from her own orgasm. She felt the animalistic, primal intent they both had, and genuinely wasn’t sure if the two were just role-playing, was they just taunting each-other, or if they really wanted to do this.

And it was that new emotion that drove Raven over the edge, making her slam her hips against the bed, at the same time as Robin collapsed onto Starfire, his cock filling the condom with burst after burst of his seed, while her walls clenched around him, milking him for more. Her moans became a continuous wail, and if she wasn’t so tired, she’d gladly levitate them into the air.

- Robin… You truly are the best choice I have… - Are all women on your planet as beautiful as you? - he asked, when he caught his breath, and started toying with her hair. - Some… some are… - Then how about we do it like this: you get to keep me, and we’ll get some other folks for the rest. Deal? - I agree, Robin! You shall be my personal mate!

The two giggled, and rolled back and forth on Starfire’s bed, basking in the powerful orgasm they just went through, completely oblivious that just a few feet away they have pleasured their friend. Raven stared at the ceiling, her chest still moving erratically up and down, while her thoughts raced her mind slower and slower.

On one hand, she knew it was wrong, and she shouldn’t have spied on them; on the other, the pure, unabashed intent that emanated from the emotions, was very, very real, even if it was a made-up scenario. But the worst thing was, she desperately needed to live through it again, perhaps this time with someone who would be up to the task…

As if on command, the door to her room opened, and beast Boy walked in, with two packagaes of Chinese food.

-Hey, they Rae, brought you-Woah!

He flinched when he saw her lying half-naked on her bed, with her glistening sex relfecting the lttle light her room produced.

- Uh, is something wrong?

But before he say anything more, two dark magical tentacles brought him to her, and soon Raven didn’t need her magic to keep him by his side. She rolled him to his back, straddled him, and unapologetically tore his suit apart, revealing his naked body underneath it.

- I’d take what they were having. - They? - Beast Boy asked, curious at her behaviour. - I’ll explain later.

And with thatt, Raven began moving her hips up and down, coating his cock with the copious amount of her juices that only helped her reach her cause.  

[danaan13]

Today is my birthday. It's also been one week since a very hard decision had to be made, that changed my life very suddenly, and very painfully. The following is going under a cut. It’s also really long. My apologies to any mobile users that might get the full post anyway. Scroll really fast. I'm going to be talking about the loss of my dog. Some of it is traumatic. So warnings for injury, death, cars, insurance shit, and lots of feelings.

This post is 85% for me and 15% for anyone who's had questions since my vague posts a week ago. I have no blame or ill feelings for anyone that needs to keep scrolling. This post is going to be a lot. And I understand if one doesn't have the energy or the headspace for it. But a lot of of this is writing for my personal mourning.

One other thing: I go over events with the vet we saw. I'm not looking for different diagnoses, or different opinons, or debate, about what the vet said, or the decision we made. As I said, this post is for me to mourn. For me to record what happened. Maybe someone else would've done something differently. I don't know. We made the decision we thought was best.

And with that:

One week ago, my spouse took our dog for a walk in the evening. This was our normal routine. Newton, our dog, loved it. She was an australian shepherd mix, and naturally had all kinds of energy to work out. Even at eleven years old. It's 6 in the evening. It's pitch black out. My spouse has a bright orange, relfective rain jacket on. Newton is wearing a bright orange doggie vest, a collar that had a glowy blue led strip all the way around, and a leash with a reflective string. By our thoughts, safety was accounted for.

Their normal route took them past the shopping center that's a block and a half from our home. My spouse sees a truck sitting at a restaurant parking lot exit, as if waiting on traffic, before attempting to turn. Spouse believes they're going to continue to wait, and starts to cross the front of the exit, along the part marked as a sidewalk. Spouse is directly in front of truck, when it starts up and hits them. And pins Newton under the wheel.

The driver rolled down the passenger window to yell at my spouse. My spouse was yelling at him to move off our dog. A witness, who heard our dog screaming, from inside the restaurant, comes out and bangs on the man's driver window till he rolls it down. He finally backs off of Newton. They move her aside. My spouse was in that kind of shock where emotions shut off. They start giving orders. You call 911. You get that man's insurace. Someone get pictures. Etc.

And then the man suddenly drives away. Doesn't say a word. Doesn't leave insurance. Doesn't stay for the police. He ran.

By this point, one of the witnesses already has clear pictures of his vehicle and license plate. He's reported to the police, and they put out a call to find him.

Spouse calls me shortly after this. Call our vet. We got hit. We need to get Newton to a vet. So I call our vet. It's 6:30. They're closed for the night. But they were there for accounting stuff. They give me the number for the emergency vet. I call ahead. Tell them we'll be coming, but that I don't know what the injuries are. Just that a car was involved.

I go hop in our car. Drive a block and a half to the scene. There's two fire trucks. There's police cars. Traffic's doing that bottlenecking thing. I park and run over. Instantly get hugged by the witness who'd gotten involved. My spouse is sitting on the sidewalk. One piece. Looks okay. My dog's wrapped in sheets. She's awake. Looking around. What I could understand of her body language was a mixture of pain, but excitement because there's people paying attention to her. And oh how Newton adored every ounce of attention she could beg for.

The witness, we'll call her S now. S volunteers to come with my spouse and I to the emergency animal clinic. She sits in the back of my car while the firemen load poor newton in. Spouse comes with me, even though the firemen wanted them to go to the ER. We agree to go to the ER once we got Newton settled. S's family, two men who I presume to be husband and father, possibly, follow in their car behind us.

We get there. The vet techs wisk Newton off to the back. They need to do xrays. They need someone to stay and talk out costs. S volunteers to take Spouse to the ER. Spouse agrees to go. So I stay at the vet by myself. They settle me in a room, where I text friends updates about all this. I'm scared. And all I wanted was to hug my dog.

The vet shows up after a bit. She's very calm, very kind, and amazingly empathetic. She explains that Newton wasn't succumbing to the medicine as quickly as they'd like. She's too excited. Too many new people to meet. Gets excited every time someone comes into the room. Classic Newton. So, they only got the xrays from the one side at that time.

Her spine is fine. But a hip is shattered. There's shards. One hip is also dislocated. My heart's in my stomach. Vet explains that if it's just the one leg shattered, they can amputate. But if it's both, then it's not good. She explains that the dislocation would have to be fixed via surgery. It can't just be popped back in. She explains that our town doesn't have an orthopedic surgeon for dogs. We'd have to go to one of two major cities, two hours away. The vet then explains that she'll get better xrays, once the meds kick in and they can roll Newton over without causing her more pain. So, she draws up the treatment plan for the next twenty four hours. I leave the deposit for the cost of the care. She says she'll call me when she's got more data. And when she's talked to surgeons offices.

And then I go to the ER, trying to not cry because my dog will probably never run or jump, ever again. She's an aussie. They run. They jump. They're energetic. Newton would bounce all over the place in front of our patio door, to greet our neighbors as they walked past. She was constantly knocking down blinds from our hanging blinds there. She loved to play fetch. We've got a long hallway we'd throw tennis balls down, and she'd go chase them and run back. She'd never do any of that again.

I get to the ER. I tell my spouse. They're heartbroken. I call our auto insurance, at the nurse's request, to start that process, while we wait for the doctor to come back from the xrays. When the doctor comes, he says Spouse is fine. No breaks, fractures, or internal injuries. Might have bruising show up in a day or two. So, we're given pain medication to handle that. To note, no bruises have yet appeared, a week later. Spouse physically feels fine. Emotionally is another matter.

So, we go home. We cry. We try to settle down. It's been two and a half hours since my spouse left the house to go on that walk. I make my posts here. We make posts on Facebook. We get an outpouring of concern, love, and prayers, from friends and family alike.

By midnight, I get a call from the vet. They have the rest of the xrays. Both hips are injured. One shattered, one fractured. And then there's the dislocation. There does not appear to be any internal injury though. She'd gotten ahold of both surgical centers in the two nearby cities. Both hospitals can do surgery. But they both would require about ten thousand dollars to do it. And, they both note that Newton is eleven. She's classified as a senior dog, despite her energy and good health. She'd never be the same. Therapy after surgery might not be enough. The neat wheels some dogs get, might not be enough. There's no guarantee that her quality of life would be enough, that she wouldn't suffer.

So, I talk to my spouse. And we're breaking. She's been our family for eleven years. We call back. Make the decision, get ready, and go to the clinic. We get to hug her and pet her. We get to give her a few last good treats. We cry. And we get to hold her as she goes to sleep for the last time.

And then we go home again. We still don't know if they've arrested the driver. There isn't a report on the police website yet. We manage, somehow, to sleep. Not very well on my part. By the next morning, there's a police report. The man was arrested and charged with a hit and run.

I try to call our auto insurance back. The adjuster we were assigned to the nigh before, is out of the office for the weekend. So, I wait and then call back on Monday. We start that whole process. She starts contacting the driver's insurance. We talk to the police department and get told we can get ahold of the city prosecutor in a week. We start the process to get a lawyer.

We celebrate Christmas with our son. He doesn't live at home now. Got his own place. And a dog of his own there. He brings her over when he comes. And for a few hours, we're able to cuddle and play with a sweet dog again. It's not the same. It hurts a little. But it heals a little too.

Today is my birthday. And today I get to go pay the company that handled Newton's cremation. And pick up the clay pawprint that they made for me. Happy birthday to me. I know my Newton is no longer in pain. And that she was her beautiful smiley self, right to the last moment. I will miss her forever. But I know that we'll be okay. Eventually.

If you've read this far, and you feel the need to do something, or say something, then feel free to tag me in posts of cute dogs or cats, or other animals. Or, if you're wanting to do a more monetary action, maybe donate to organizations like the Old Friends Senior Dog Sanctuary. That's what I'm doing for my Facebook Birthday Fundraiser. You don't have to give through mine specifically. You don't even have to give to them in particular. Heck, you don't even have to tell me about it. I just appreciate that there are groups like theirs, that can provide good quality of life, to senior dogs, who have that chance.

And for anyone wondering if we're going to get another dog, we are. We put in an application at our local humane society. It might feel fast. But it's so quiet in here now. We need someone to carry Newton's torch onwards. We've looked at a few dogs already. We've not found our one, yet. But we're looking.

Thank you for reading all this. I'm sorry if this post was difficult for you in anyway. I've got a lot of mourning left to do. So for now:

Goodbye my sweet, silly girl.

Newton 2008-2019

[asknightmareanderror]

What is your view on drawing skeletons with Ecktoplasm not including Nightmare's Oily form?

OH! That’s a good question!

I don’t mind ecto-stomachs and tongues at all! They’re actually some of my favourite things to draw, ‘coz I can mess with the glows and relfections with it.

And, as a fact, in my canon universes, all the Sans’ have an ecto-stomach (and tongues).

They use their tongues to take in food and transfer it into energy, whilst the stomach is there to store food, and absorb it later, for more magic.

Magic is like blood, to me, so, they need to breathe to keep it going.

“...the wonders of being inside Thun’s universes...”

Mhm, Error has an amber ecto-stomach, and eight blue tongues. You will find that most Sans’ have the same colour tongue and belly, like Nightmare, whose got purple, or Killer, whose is black.

I do know that some people don’t really like the idea of ectoplasm and whatnot, and I can see where they come from.

But I think it gives them a little more life and reason as to how they live. (If you have any problems with ectoplasm/magic, I’m sorry) They are something I like to write about a lot, too, especially with the details you can put in.

“To be honest, it’s sort of uncomfortable that Thun knows all of this...”

Bitch, I’m God, I know everything.

“Yeah, but still...”

(I also need to update Lines of Silver, too...hopefully I’ll get the next chapter out soon. It’s just awkward writing it on the computer, (for reasons readers should know :3 ) so, I stick to my tablet.))

(A NightError drawing is also coming soon, followed by an Ankh X Ink Oneshot, but I don’t know when I’ll get that done, with everything else on my back. Haha.)

(Also, one more thing, I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep lately (with the puppy and just good ‘ol near-insomnia) So, everything will probably be a little slower, too. Hope you all understand.)

[my-makeshift-masquerade]

Is Wortox able to eat ghosts? What’s the difference between souls and ghosts?

KLEI, please, I need an answer to this question so badly! The concept that soul=ghost would be game-breaking for many reasons.

In DST, a soul seems to just be something dropped by some defeated beings. Other players who have souls also drop them upon death, allowing Wortox a chance to eat them, but the ghost of the player still exists afterwards. I know this could easily be explained by game mechanics and the need for players to be able reach a touchstone, but, guys, this is a big deal if we want to figure out exactly what souls are in the Constant.

It is implied in his quotes that he can eat ghosts, and he even calls them souls directly. When he examines a ghost of Wendy, he says: "Don't worry, I'm not gonna eat you." He also describes the ghost mob as: "An unclaimed soul!" There is clearly some kind of relation between souls and ghosts, but what is it? It is impossible for them to be the same thing since in game a soul can exist without a ghost and a ghost can exist without a soul. (If Wortox eats a players soul, their ghost still remains.)

This speculation came from the question I thought about of whether Wortox would be able to eat Abigail’s ghost if he so desired. Not to mention the many many other ghosts, so a graveyard could be a buffet for him.

My theory so far is that a soul is not the spiritual essence of the individual owner, but instead the energy from their living forms? It would be affected by how they behaved in their lives, nice or naughty, gaining positive or negative energy depending on the beings actions. (Hence why Krampus’ soul was described as foul in the short.) As we know, WX has no empathy module and therefore cannot compute moral binaries, so he has no soul that relfects where his behavior fits in that spectrum. Webber has two different beings within him with two different moral compasses, hence why he has two souls. Maybe? This is the best explanation I could come up with.

I feel like Don’t Starve/KLEI wouldn’t leave something like this in the dark, considering how in depth they’re diving into the lore. Please add on if you have any ideas or quotes from canon!

[may-the-silicon-be-based]

the Worlds II: heaven

locations discussed do not refer to the biblical location of heaven, this is just the result of Etymology.

heaven orbits the star Rigel, a blue giant approaching its end days...or end millennia anyways. Rigel is a system of 4 (possibly 5!) stars, but for the most part Rigel A the largest plays the greatest role in heavens enviroment. the planet itself probably didnt orignally belong to the rigel system, instead being ensnared by the stars gravity.

because of its massive star, heaven orbits at quite a distance, meaning that the sun lookly like a pinprick in the sky, dispite still being bright enought to light its planet. this also has the consquence of seasons being incredibly long, a single year in heaven is probably equivalent to 1000- ish earth years. heaven has no moons.

while the planet is far enough away for the water to not evaporate and the atmosphere to wear down quickly, it is still a very very irratiated ball or rock. for this reason, at its sometimes extereme tempuratures the planet is not suitable for long term human habitation, at least not without alot of luck.

while most of the organisims native to heaven are ruidmentary due to the stars young age, there are some more complex organisims that could be the mutated decendants of organisims native or earth

most plants are pale to avoid sun damage or blue to absorb light from the star, many plants and animals also use relfective coatings to deal with the suns rays.

radiotrophic fungi (which are a thing appearently had no idea) are quite common, they have melanin as a pigment and use ionizing radiation for energy.

also because of the solar winds, there is a near constant aurora occuring which can be visible even during the day. in other sky related details, sometimes earths sun is visible at night. the day night cycle is also slightly longer than earths, not very much to be noticable but enough that it requires a slightly different clock/timekeeping system.

uhhhhhh *looks at my notes*

"I don't even want to thing about what the fuck the wind is doing on this god damn planet" and "Got some hashtag weird structures on it that are like a little too fucking old to make sense"

...

seasonality is the single most important and impactful feature of the planets ecosystem, as mentions seasons are centuries long, which leads them to be very very extremes. almost all of heavens landmass is on the southern hemisphere, which also means that most terrestrial life will all experience the same season at the same time.

winter is arduous, most of the ocean on that side of the planet will freeze into thick ice floes, at the height of winter these basically become glaciers and are stable and long lived enough for semi-permanent settlement. food is scarce, most aquatic life migrates away and short days and years without sunlight near the poles makes it near impossible for anything to sustain life. most terrestrial animals enter some sort of dormancy period during this time and herbivores becomes less common as plant life becomes scarce. Many other plants and animals will reproduce in fall and then lay eggs or produce seeds that are able to survive winter in dormancy and then emerge in spring, the parents dying. this leads to large gaps of time between generations, a species that looks like it went extinct in winter will then suddenly reemerge come spring time. many organisms become albino for camouflage or develop more pigmented tissues to work with the lower levels of solar radiation.

the events of the book take place in early spring and at just the end of winter.

during spring time as mentioned there is often a resurgence of species who's offspring were dormant over winter. all the frozen glaciers begin to thaw causing massive flooding. most species that thrive during this period are amphibious. disease also becomes an issue during spring, many fungi coming out or dormancy and then wet and warming enviroment being a breeding ground for bacteria. monsoons also.

summer like winter, is harsh, especially with Rigel. if it was an irradiated mess then its more of an irradiated mess now. organisms employ similar strategies to those in winter, becoming dormant or producing seeds and eggs to survive the season. the whole hemisphere becomes a desert, the waterline recedes exposing seabed and at the height of summer the sun will never set for years at the poles. past the equator a more tropical enviroment forms on the seabed near the new water line, plants have to be highly resistant to saline soil and are thus specialized. similarly near the poles where some liquid water may exist oasis may form. radiotrophs thrive during this season due to getting the maximum of ionizing radiation they can. most organisms are small, have reflective coatings or large cooling structures to control the heat if they are still active. the aurora borealis also becomes much stronger during this time.

lastly there is fall [quick content warning for mass animal death and horror elements] fall can be split generally into two parts, the first part is much like spring where organisms come out of dormancy after summer. rains come in and rehydrate the desert and plant populations that migrated to the poles or coast begin to spread outwards. unlike earth most organisms reproductive cycles occur during fall, not spring. overall this is the most survivable time of the year, when food is plentiful, temperatures are moderate, weather is not extremes, and water is readily valuable.

the latter period of fall is relatively short, only occurring over a roughly 30 year period. when writing the season i like to take inspiration from earth's own seasons and then dial them up to their extremes. for fall i decided to go with that element of decay, leaves falling etc. So essential during this short period there is a mass death of most animal life as plant life begins to go dormant for winter. most plant shed their leaves and other nutrient rich parts to conserve energy and what's left is often too tough or nutrient deficient to support life.

because this happens so quickly there are no existing large populations of scavengers and decomposers to remove the dead. during this time practically the only strategy that will succeed for survival is dormancy or scavenging/decomposing. various fungi and insects are prevalent, as well as scavenging fauna.

*checks notes again*

"

Hey nice flesh world

No comment

"

the only reason this phenomenon does happen in spring when organisms are preparing for summer rather than winter is because a sufficient amount of plants, making up the bottom of the food chain, slowly migrate to the poles and coasts animals that eat them following. of course some still die but this migration is slow enough that no mass death occurs. autotrophs also usually do well during the summer because of the increase in energy they can absorb, most heterotroph deaths not being caused by lack of food but due to dehydration and heat exposure.

i know this post is way longer than the hell post, mostly because the seasonal explanation was long but really it was necessary so whatever.

i will in a later post get into the cultural implications of all this for the sentient species living there (the angels) as some of this stuff can make them pretty odd folks.

[gingersnapple2143]

Happy New Years

I’ve basically stopped getting on tumblr completely. I’m still fucked up mentally, idk if I’ll ever actually recover. And the person that is the root of my issues knows it and will most likely read this and not say a word to me about it or will just skip over it and act like his life is perfect. So at the start of 2019 (I started writing this at 12:14am), I’m clearing the air. Because here I can get it all out and say everything I want without interruption and because it makes me feel better while also helping keep a permanent record of some of the events that have happened.

I am gonna be 100% with myself because this is probably the last time I am going to publicly post about this and I just want all my thoughts in one place. I want to start by saying, as fucked as it may be, do still love him with a good portion of my heart. My ex. Even though he has caused all of my issues of being abandoned by those I love to spring back up with one fucking sentence, I now fear that I’ll be left by those I trust more than anyone in the world, whether that’s a platonic relationship or a romantic one. I doubt he will ever fully understand how he has caused me to never want to trust anyone that says they enjoy my company ever again. You can’t just tell someone ‘when you had your arm around me I felt alone’ and not expect that to bother someone, especially someone you know is emotional and will take that to heart. And saying ‘it was my depression that made me say, that it wasn’t the norm’ is just a piss poor excuse and is a relfection of how he sees my point of view and then tries to justify his words. Don’t try and use your depression as a ‘get out of jail’ free card because of your shitty words that you said AFTER you said you had gotten in a better mental place. That’s not cool and you know it.

I’m not sorry for any rude things I have or will say unless I really cross a line on my morals. As you said ‘be angry and don’t hold back. It gives me insight on your emotions’ so by that logic you shouldn’t have any ‘bitter words’ to say to me because I really haven’t been rude. I keep my insults in my brain. I don’t talk shit about you, something that even surprises me if I’m going to be real because I could if I really tried.

But anyways. My goal for 2019 is to try and get myself back. The me that I was before you ripped me to shreds and then didn’t even have the guts to face me on it with your ‘I only have so much energy’ shit you threw at me when I wanted to try and work through things with you so that maybe my process of moving on would be easier. But no, just like with the ‘alone’ comment, you only focused on what would make you feel better in that moment. So if I’m standoffish, you know why now. My goal of finding myself again isn’t something I can concretely tell anyone. As I’m just gonna be more focused on myself than anything else.

I just wanted to get that out there for our mutual friends to see and for myself to finally let some see the kinda stuff you say. As I said, my goal is to make myself feel better. So for once I’ve stopped caring on what others might think. I’ve officially stopped caring about how I sound to you because you will read this in whatever tone you think my emotions are currently, which is most likely wrong as you seem to think I’m saying anything out of anger. No. I get why you’d think that, but no. If I were angry, I’d get revenge, post screenshots of your messages where you were a complete ass. But I’m not angry. I’m actually in an almost limbo state emotionally. No longer numb but I can actually feel my emotions again like they are under a sheer sheet.

This was really long. But it was therapeutic. Goodbye.

[thinkingcloud]

Questions to Ask Yourself Related to Self Love

So.. it's been a while..okay maybe a couple of weeks...However it's never a bad time for reflection. For some reason, it's easier for me to type out my thoughts than to write them with a pen. perhaps is easier because then i don't have to focus too much on words on a page but I can just write out loud by typing. ore perhaps it's more of a focus thing where grammar and spacing don't really make too much of a difference and i can freely write without hand cramps. Or it helps my mind think faster. Who knows...but I decided to ask myself these multitudes of questions to reflect on myself and give me a starting point to further reflection.

1. Do I believe I’m worthy of good things like love and happiness?

Well...I do think i am worthy of good things that include love and happiness...perhaps.. I've been told too many times that I am not.

Try having your parents tell you...

no one wants you your too fat.. you're going to be an ugly bride if you don't lose weight.

You shouldn't have kids you wouldn't know how to take care of them

You cant even take care of yourself.

How will you financially live you still are at home?

How can you afford certain things?

Who would want to marry you? Who would love you?

Hm... I don't know sounds like nobody since apparently, that is what I reflect.

2. In what ways do I show love for myself?

I tell myself postitive things. Attempt to reflect on things to be grateful for.

3. Do I speak up when I feel I’m not getting what I deserve?

I try...keyword is trying because sometimes when you tell others what you deserve will not change their minds...

4. How comfortable am I with saying “no” to things or people who don’t bring me joy?

Difficult...because I am someone who will always try to see the better in people. Perhaps they do not bring me joy...Things that don't bring me joy probably need a change in perspective because things that don't bring you joy should be avoided. But saying no is never easy.

5. Do I feel guilty if I put my needs first?

Yes...because when your selfish...guilt creeps in. Or pehaps I am not really sure what my needs are to put myself first

6. When was the last time I felt beautiful? Smart? Or powerful?

probably..some time in high school when I was a bit fitter..I dont think i ever felt smart.partially becuase I compared the knoweldge I accquire to others..Powerful..not really sure I have ever felt that way...I always saw myself as an underdog.

7. If someone tells me I’m not good enough, how would I respond?

I'm sorry that you see my that way and perhaps that is your opinion however I see myself as good enough for me and that is what matters. Your opinions dont matter unless they are to help me improve upon myself. Your thoughts dont help me change. Thoughts are normally a relfection of self.

8. If someone tells me I’m amazing, how would I respond?

Thank you for your kind words. you too are amazing and keep doing what your doing.

9. How often do I apologize, even when it’s not my fault?

Often, and that is because although I am not at fault.. taking responsibility for actions even though they are not your own show more courtesy and boldness.

10. How often do I take on other people’s problems as if they were my own?

Sometimes often..the reason is because when you care about others...you put yourself in their shoes...hoping to help them solve the issue. Althought it may be a problem they can solve by themselves.

11. When was the last time I told myself “good job”?

Not sure I have...perhaps I have just been more thankful of faith and God then anything else.

12. How often do I spend time and energy taking care of myself versus taking care of others?

i'm not sure I can really answer this question. I dont think i really have spent time on myself.

Questions to Ask Yourself Related to Happiness

13. What are the top 5 things that bring a smile to my face?

Others that I can help bring a smile too or help effect in a postive way

Puppies...they are so darn cute.. okay maybe just cute stuff in general

New and amazing taste... I love food so when there is a new flavor experience or just a reminder of something good

Being around postive and uplifiting people

Sense of stillness... strange but its just silence..

14. How do I define the meaning of “joy”?

Joy... I think is a feeling a general state of just happiness. It just feels good inside and outside.

15. How important is my own happiness?

Honestly... i thnk this has been out in the backburner in that I dont htink I've ever truly understood by own happiness.. It's like you want to see yourself happy but your to wrapped un in the details to actually see how you feel or how to reflect on that.

16. When was the last time I laughed so hard my belly ached?

I'm sure that have been many times. I'm not sure exactly but I think it was a month ago...its probably something I said where I was the only one laughing...but its okay humor isnt bad.

17. How often do I have a positive experience versus a negative experience?

I think mine have been more negative and that is because the persoective I usually have has been negative. I have been tyring to put htings in a different perspective to make sure that the experience that was negative I reflect on what was actually positive that could out weight the negative

18. How content am I with life in general?

I would say I am not content and that is because I know that there is more capability. To be content is to stay the same mediocrity average and why be content? Those who adapt evolve and change makes you appeciate things more. If you cannot adapt by being content...Content doesnt allow change.

19. How would I answer the question “I’ll be happy when…”?

When I can finally silence all the noise.If I can find my own inner peace that allows for me to be happy and reflect on being better.

20. What’s preventing me from being truly happy now?

I have not found a way to be who I want to be...I have allowed the distractions and opinion of others reflect who I am. Instead of embracing who I am...Thoughts and opinions who try to mold me into who they want me to be and not who I truly am.

21. What am I doing to increase my happiness?

I am going to reflect on myself...To change what I think needs to be changed so That I can be who it is I am meant to be. I will try to do things that bring me happiness and disconnect from things that don't

22. Do I have any regrets that I can’t let go?

I dont think I have regrets persay...I mean everyone has them but are they really enough to be things that we regret? I mean we cannot really get back the time that was lost or the experienes that we shouldve had. So its time to let go.

23. When was the last time I let myself have a good cry?

I dont think i've had a good cry...I think i've had tears for situations that have hit me...I mean most reflections upset me because the truth hurts.

24. What does a “happy life” look like in my mind?

Happy life...looks like a home that I look at and realize how much though had been place to create it. A family that appeciates the experiences and the quality time. It's creating traditions and having fun and love being around each other. Being able to embrace my creativity and loving things but able to let them go if need be.

25. How do I bring happiness to other people’s lives?

By helping them achieve their goals and dreams...or by simply providing the simple joys that they would like. Or helping to influence them in a more positive direction

26. Would my friends describe me as a “positive person”?

Not yet...and that is because I have not shown them that side of me.

27. When was the last time I found the “silver lining” in a bad situation?

I think I normally try to...but most of the time its suriving the situation

28. How do I express gratitude?

I will usually try to provide a gift.Or try to bless the person who has blessed me..I'm still working on this.

29. If I were to describe 3 things I’m grateful for right now, what would they be?

A roof over my head, food to consume, and support system from those that care.

30. Do I believe I’m responsible for my own happiness? Why or why not?

Yes...no one can bring you happiness...not really.. Happiness is not an object...its a feeling its not alive. So really the only one responsible is self. Keyword is my own... well if it is yours...then how can someone else be responsible? As a mentor told me if you OWN it..then it is yours you feed it, you water it becuase if you dont...it dies.

Questions to Ask Yourself Related to Resilience and Mindset

31. How do I respond to a tough challenge that really tests my limit?

I naturally over analyze so i have to know the details and I have to know the tools available. Which is why tough challanges throw me in a loop beucase I will overthink so much that the challange then becomes why I made things so tough and complicated in my mind which then cloud my plan of action.

When instead...I find my own facts and take whatever it is head on.

32. How long does it usually take for me to bounce back from failure?

A while...becuase I tend to dwell on things that were not successful trying to analayze the situation the details what was suppose to go correctly what did I do?

33. True or false: It takes a lot to knock me down.

FALSE, Because I allow things to knock me down instead of standing up to it. Being resourceful to actually stand my ground

34. What am I more afraid of? Failure, or the regret of not trying?

Tought call because it has been all of thes throughout my whole life. I always afraid to fail because it would disappoint my family.

Regret...I have alot of the time because of my lack of boldness..what couldve or shouldve because I was afraid of making a mistake or I had a fear of what could go wrong. Most of these things were in my head.

Not trying... well i think this would be more in certain situations because I would have regret before not trying something which is why I would try somethign so I dont have the regret.

So I think my fear is more of regret or failure. Regret because it is more reflecting. Failure you cannot fail if you didnt try. But if you dont try you have regret. So really regret i think brings me more fear but the fear of failure brings more reality to me.

35. How adaptable am I to changing circumstances and environments?

I like to think of myself as adaptable..Because you sometimes cannot change all your circumstances and if you are not in control of them the only thing you can do is adapt.

36. How often do I tell myself “I can’t”?

Often...and that is beacuse I let my mind think too much to the point of talking myself out of it,

37. When was the last time I encountered a frustrating situation and what did I do to make it better?

Everyday...and I dont think i have truly made it better,

38. Do I believe I have control over how I feel and the experiences I have in life?

I do..however beleive it no. i dont htink I do...and that is because I have chosen not to take the responsibikity necessary to control my experiences. Be it positve or negative is my choice. i have to choose how to feel and whether I let my feelings dictate the expereinces.

39. When was the last time I felt really disappointed or hurt? What helped me overcome it?

I think it was honestly...waiting for a moment that I had thought about...and when it came...I was more disappointed because I didnt see the value of what it was. I'm still overcoming it.

40. How often do I complain?

Frequently because I forget...i cannot control everything and that complaing doesnt solve issues.

41. When was the last time I solved a tough problem and what did I learn from it?

I'm not sure what the problem was...But I have a feeling I just dealt with wht was a hand and I did what I could.

[spikedfanta]

organizations and people

suresh kumar

yashas shetty

whofeedsblr

rewilding

5) suresh kumar farm - re-wilding - indian english garden, chakota, etc. //

experience ((the wild garden ))

today, i've been thinking about the internet and all its knowledge systems - there is much that the internet doesn't contain. it does not contain so many stories, the ability to generate respect and mindfulness for one's surroundings, to help one better be in touch with reality -- but at the same time it can connect one to others trying to do the same.

The raintree - I never knew how dividied people were about it.

those blogspot blogs - so many people had/have one. and the articles still pop up now when you look for hyper niche information - particularly during this project, when i look for information on places - flora and fauna - and general nature, food, and life related information on bangalore! a blog that someone started out of their own interest to share a part of their lives - carve out their own space on the internet. and it differs from instagram, or facebook - it really does. while super useful for sharing what youre up to - you dont really get to sit and share long form content about your life. and i wonder if that has reduced ones capacity to then read about these happenings in someone elses life. it's only now, when so much of the information i am looking for (related to experiencing places in and around bangalore - treks, markets, spaces of nature, etc. + food + flora and fauna, lakes, edible weeds + bangalore nostalgia) happens to be on blogs. an unofficial networked document of the city that is coming together with google searches. the way we gather information on the internet, so disparate yet all coming together - which is why a resource bank for the project is important.

we learn on the internet by gathering all this information from all over - sources from youtube videos to blogs to even comments (which can be very useful!) to forums and niche old websites.. and they become a psychogeography of place on the internet. we then synthesize it together to create our own understanding which we can then share, i think. and it all has such a personality...

i think this research combined with actively going out of my way to engage with people in the real world is really building a sort of image in my head. i think what i am trying to do is express that image in a project, and using all these tools from people abroad etc etc to express it in a very bioregional local way - a sort of 'back to the land' for the internet. it's astounding to see the amount of videos for things like making henna or flower garlanding or gardening -- anything you want to learn, and there is a video. it wasnt always this way wasnt it? i remember that there were so many western videos you had to shuffle through. at any rate, one part of the project is documenting my creations and what im learning in a bioregional way -- by creating a sort of alter ego and making an internet personality/blogger type.

what kind of personality can i give my alter ego? she'll be allowed to say and do a lot more than i can, i think. but she still lives in my body and experiences what i experience. she is a curious scientist of the world - she is the child forever in me. she picks up things and runs with them. she is playful and mindful.

speaking of mindful, i am back in bellandur and i havent been doing much sense mapping. i havent done much sense mapping at all. im not sure what im scared of... well, im going to hear the birds and smell the dust and feel the dust and hear the construction and taste the rose apple see the kind of boxy room i live in, in an apartment .. where all the noises echo louder and loom off further into the distance.. as well as make their way here. what is the difference from yelahanka, with the trees? covering me with their canopies? what about suresh's farm - further from the hubbubububub.

symbols.. hmm.. the home garden tulsi. a tincture or tonic water. a weed popping out of a pavement. two birds playing. construction sounds. far off construction red light. dust. colours... faded blue, grey, white, green, red. crushing. the act of it. the sound. the sound of simmering. the sound of ticking and an oven. chopping. plucking. leaves rustling. crushing in your fingers and smelling.

scent of tulsi and basil as i rub it and it makes me less anxious and less nauseous and very calm and minty. henna and its bittery herbal smell. the tonic waters.. sweet basil, a bit anise like. and lemon, no citrus just sweet lime leaf. malabar spinach and a stain like blood. royal purple blood. the sweet pannir of a rose apple,, a delicate. treat. what if i added rose petal? rose water? a gingery affair, spicy.. floating suspended in water. a bug. i like how they call it that. how long till it comes alive? lemon and fenugreek and black tea in henna - the goopy mixture, ready to go on my hair. soapy - the leaves. clay like - the powder. visually.. the leaves go sop and lose their green on so much boiling. on pounding. the malabar spinach goes POP. there are greens and a pumpkin. visually, i feel satisfied by the rainbow today. purple malabar. indigo.. uh.. i suppose the malabar satisfiesx that. green.. the tulsi, the aloe, thee lemongrass, the basil, the ajwain, the betel leaf.. the spinach greens.. the henna. wow. a lot of green. taste.. well all of it tasted nice. chewing a tulsi and betel leaf. yum. yellow.. lemon and panir. orange hmm. papaya? carrot. red.. hibiscus. a curry leaf.

well, anyway. i got a lot out of my head today. i shall have to spend some time organziing and planning tomorrow. i am a in a little bit of a 'do mode' flow. tomorrow morning, i will wake up by 7.. meditate. hear birds. sense check in. go for a walk to soul kere lake. sense map/check. come back. drink herbal tea. plan - covid test, things to buy and do today, places nearby to go (if any) - make a trip outside (wrap up by 12 hopefully)

lab work today -- hopefully 12-4 and later at night, with time for research (new media, blogs, projects related to tools, etc.) and some checkin in - sense journaling, symbolism, relfection, artistic expression. evening. we henna.

documentation of research for these recipes! going through comments, that only comment from soemwhere who has the same question as yours.. bringing that back to my regional level and answering it here.

at an experience leve.. suresh kumar. i am astounded by someone like him, and i wonder if i can ever be someone like that. i feel like such a privileged city girl around him, in awe of everything, dumb and stupid. but this is not true right? idk. he is a very cool man and i love how friendly he is which is required to work at such a community level. how can i imbibe that level of community gathering and effort? it is by dedication to your work but also a level of genuine respect for everyone around you. i wager that i dont have that respect? for myself? maybe? i dont know. no, and for others either. because there is competition - what is it he said. i gained my confidence through my work. there is no other way. holy shit. there is no other way. i must gain my confidence through my work. just do a lot of it. and be as open and genuine as i can to others. work on EneErgIes. no? somewhere, i know there is something that drives me to do things. and even if it might be 'shit'.. i think i have a vision, perhaps.

there are things to plan.. tomorrow, i will spend an hour just 'starting'. i suppose. blog posts be damned. i suppose as the idea comes, make a tumblr draft and let it sit with a quick note and memory. tomorrow is also a making day. so is saturday. saturday evening i plan the next week, and finish what i 'started'. and sunday i make teasers with whatever content i have right now. no time to build new content. just enough for swati and co to get a gist of what im about. and dont share everything. keep a few teases.

think i really want to do a clay texture map tomorrow. and also work on the animation. and childhood. and topography. Oh! spring equinox celebration meal as well. and chill climate weather bengal oo roo. and nostalgia mapping. def some mapping. animist... POV.. herbalism and energy and nature of plants. the ability to stain. to scent. to taste. my experience of the plant.. and what is the plant experience of me? to crush and chew and nibble. but my reality isnt a plants reality. i dont know if it 'hurts'. it exists differently. it exists. i exist.

i want some jasmine flowers definitely to make some jasmine hydrosol..

need to read some diance ackerman, and some animism / that camden art festival thing before i sleep. some

todays kitchen mapped out

[infiniteorangethethird]

I have a post that's been floating around for a while now that mentions the same topic but I think I'll take this chance for a long ass rant (cos I mean, where else can you find an audience that understands these kind of issues lol)

Apologies for the length, but I had to get this off my chest

Now I'm not sure how common of an experience this is among other madders, but I've had pretty much the same one paracosm for my entire "madd career". Obviously over the years it changed and evolved but it was always the same base concept, the same paras, the same places and expanding history. I'm not sure if it started out as madd at first (it's been a while, I might have been a functional human being back then but I don't remember anymore lol), but it definitely turned into an unhealthy coping mechanism as shit hit the fans. I'm not going into details bc it's personal stuff but the gist of it is that as I grew older, the things I considered to be "eternal, unmovable absolute truths about life" (friendships, parental love and guidance, trust, justice...) slowly either disappeared or turned out to be false, a lot of the time the blame being put on me for feeling bad about it or not knowing better.

And for a really long time, I thought my paracosm is going to be the same, that it's just something I do as a kid to pass the time (and cope with life) but as I grow up it'll go away, until I realized: there's absolutely nothing that could make me make it go away, nobody can forcibly take a metaphysical thought process away from me, so why worry about it leaving like everything else? And then I made a promise to never, ever let go of this world, just based on someone telling me to do so.

So my inner world turned into a safe, steadily available place for processing life. And although my daydreams do relfect upon real events, they are my perception of those events, a relfection of my reality. And I think that's an important part of madd, the "untouchable" nature of our paracosms. We live in a society that constantly judges you, punishing you for "incorrect" (read: unconventional, or inconvenient for others) behavior, until you no longer know what is genuine criticism and what is just people being shitty, and you no longer know what part of you is really you and what is just a mask you wear to protect your own self from hate and judgement. But there's nobody to judge your paracosm and the things happening within, so for me at least, it's a place where I can truthfully express myself, be myself without outside influence; and at the same time, since the framework of the paracosm (the people, the settings, the world) is so detached from reality, I can distance myself from the issues and view them from safely afar - it is not me going through all that, being challenged, having to face danger, but these paras, these people, for whom I already know everything will turn out fine.

This then turns into a "give and take" process, where I give my paras my experiences, my thoughts, my emotional energy, and in return, they give me back their reactions, their thoughts and emotions on the subject that I couldn't tackle myself. And with time, the paras take these gifts, these thoughts and emotions I give them, and turn them into personalities, into people; and they retain these personalities over long periods of time, so than when the worst of the existential dread hits, when I truly start not only to feel like I don't know who I am, but to doubt the very fact that I as a person exist - they're still there, reliably as they have always been, holding and embodying the pieces of thoughts and feelings I gave them and they collected into these complex and almost independent entities we know as paras.

Which then, of course, raises the question. In a world full of instability and false promises, where the only consistent thing is my paracosm, in a world full of judgement, where the only consistently safe place is my paracosm, is the world I built from my own experiences and beliefs not a reflection of my own self? Are the emotions of my paras, ones who I built by giving them my own thoughts, not my own emotions? Are their reactions to the themes of my reality not my own reactions? When they are happy or sad for things I have never experienced, when I laugh and cry alongside them, watching from a safe distance but still deeply immersed - are those experiences, not influenced by any outside viewer, nor my very own judgement, not the truest form of self expression and -discovery?

If the self is but a mix of inner feelings and the sum of life experiences, isn't this paracosm, the one I built from my inner feelings and life experiences, the only thing that shows absolute consistency even whilst changing, not the self itself? And if so, why couldn't I use it as a source of identity, when all else fails?

Anyway this went from personal opinions to straight up philosophical discussion but that’s my two cents on it lol, anyone reading feel free to reflect on or add to it

as i’ve thought about it more and more, i’ve realized that maladaptive daydreaming isn’t what caused my identity issues/confusion, but it’s actually how i’ve been coping with those issues. 

not only has my identity been distorted because of trauma and mental illness, but i also haven’t been able to (at least comfortably and safely) explore/express my identity in real life, so i resorted to doing so through fantasy. but of course, having to do that has led to other unique issues. 

because i’ve explored my identity through my parame/paraself, so much of it is the relationships with my verits. that part of me is inseparable from the rest. but that’s not something i can really express in real life. so now it feels almost like… my identity is trapped inside of my daydreams. 

when i’m immersed in a daydream, i feel whole in ways that i can’t in real life. in real life, the constant absence of my verits is so jarring and heavy. and it’s not like i can just talk about my verits with people. that would literally feel like cutting open my chest and letting someone punch through my ribcage.

it’s weird how i can only feel even a little bit connected to myself when i’m dissociated from the rest of the world. 

[plutoswrath]

:( house systems make things different and I know it's not about choosing but...

tropical : libra stellium + virgo mars scorpio venus

- can relate to it like lack boundaries ppl pleasers, work my a off all the time, and being jealous-hesitant in love/secret crushes i'll never tell, simple :)

but sidereal! virgo sun&moon, libra mercury venus and LEO MARS

- never thought of myself having leo energy, like shouldn't leo placements be prominent? Can relate to virgo's nervousness tho. Plus i become earth dom (grand trines in earths) but i'm v talkative and flighty jumpy in convos. What do u think :)

also if i've not yet wished u a happy scorpio full moon then i wish u a happy scorpio full moon my frd :) stay safe!

I’m sorry, I get to this ask pretty late now, but i hope you had a happy Scorpio Full Moon as well, and thank you so much!! <33

Eventually only you can tell what resonates more to you, but when it comes to choosing which type of astrology you want to use, you can always choose both, same with house systems, when a fluid way of using house systems depending on the method is fine, I think it’s the same with astrology types, especially if you are still at the beginning of learning and rather uncertain.  Leo in the chart can potentially feel demanding/overwhelming, but it depends which house it sits in, how it’s aspected, how the whole chart plays out alltogether and (not to forget) the environment and what attributes it encourages to develope. I know some people with Leo stelliums that are very introverted and actually really quiet because they have a Cancer Moon and Mercury (Water signs can really throw a whole charts energy off, especially Cancer energy can add a lot of introvert energy to a person). Leo energy doesn’t have to be prominent in that sense that it overshadows the whole chart, your Leo Mars can show especially strong in situations that play into Mars’ nature! So maybe relfect on situations where you where in a competition, what drives you/motivates you, how you behave during a fight (verbally of course asdfgh) and how your temper is during conflict alltogether. Maybe this can help! x 

[brittnisfoodchallenge-blog]

Pre-Challenge Relfection

Introduction

My family and I have never struggled to put food on the table. We have been very fortunate to be able to afford all the necessities and wants that we like. I view my family as middle class, we are not overly wealthy, yet we are able to purchase luxury items and go on vacations. Finances are not a stress or burden, my parents make sure my sister and I understand how to manage our money. At the age of 20, I still live at home and have never really had others be dependant on me financially for basic needs. I am hoping this assignment will give me, as well as the other students, a better understanding and insight to those who live in poverty. When I was 13, I spent time over the summer volunteering at the local food bank so I have seen first hand just how many people in my own community are reliant on emergency food services. When Shireen first showed us the assignment I was like “I totally got this” I don’t eat very much due to my busy schedule with work and school so I thought the food challenge is going to be a breeze. Now before going on my grocery shop I’m actually a little nervous, I have to be able to balance my budget as well as my impulses (I have not eaten yet today). I have never had to shop on a strict budget so I am worried I’ll buy unnecessary things and will run out before the week ends. Well, here we go! My 7 Day Food Security Challenge starts NOW! 

Let’s Go Shopping!

My trip to the grocery store was unlike any other before. All confidence I had quickly disappeared the further I wandered through the isles. I spent almost two hours (YES, ALMOST TWO) walking around in circles picking up items then putting them back down, trying to decide whether or not I really needed it and could afford it. My initial idea was to pick up rice, frozen veggies and chicken to make stir fry for some of my dinners. It wasn’t until I went to get the chicken when it all hit me smack in the face. Only three chicken breasts cost pretty much half my budget. I had to seriously take a step back and consider whether it was worth it or not. I put the chicken back and the rest of the trip it blew my mind that the things I was putting in my basket were so cheap and had almost zero-nutritional value. I was constantly using my calculator to figure out how much money I had left to spend. I called my mother several times to ask questions about prices and what would the better decision be between items. I opted for getting more food at a cheaper price rather than spending a large sum on the chicken. I thought to myself how many other people have to make that decision every week. The food I bought did not include any significant potion of protein, or vegetables. This worried me to some degree, how will this change effect my mood, energy, sleep, and overall health after just one week. Some people do not meet the Canadian Food Guide standards due to the cost of healthy food. This grocery trip really opened my eyes to how valuable money truly is and how far you can really stretch your dollars. This is what I came home with:

I bought one bag of white rice, one bag of frozen mixed vegetables, one loaf of white bread, one package of cheese slices, one box of popcorn, two apples, two oranges, four packages of ramen noodles, one can of beef stew, one box of macaroni and cheese, one carton of apple juice, and one carton of iced tea lemonade. All of that for $18.30, $2.70 under budget which I like just incase I need to go purchase something else if I run out. Many of the items I purchased are from the same brand, NoName, they had the cheapest prices compared to all of the brandname items. It does go to show how a name can add dollars more to the same products, I find that crazy. The quality of the food and the taste will be up for me to discover this week. I do feel guilty of not having more fresh vegetables, fruit, or protein, however that is the reality many families and individuals have to face and I hope to gain more perspective by being forced to purchase more cheap food rather than a little amount that is more expensive. I have written my initials (BH) on each item because I do live at home and have a 15 year old sister who likes to eat the food I normally buy. My game plan is to have fruit for breakfast, soup/grilled cheese for lunch, and then the rice with veggies for dinner. Again as I said earlier I do not eat a very large amount, so we will see how much I go through or if I need to go purchase more with my left over money. I have not eaten at all yet today so while I was shopping I was a bit hangry. So let’s see how we make out with this haul!