#THIS IS A DAILY OCCURRENCE. SHE DOES THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY. SHE LEARNS NOTHING. SHE IS A 50+yo ADULT WHO DRIVES.

[blunderpuff]

just library things: asking coworkers for donations in order to buy a newspaper subscription for a behated patron so that little witch stops coming in

[thefanficmonster]

Filterless

Corpse Husband x Plus-sized Reader (Female)

Warnings: Body Image Insecurities, Low self-esteem, Swearing

Genre:  Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Feeling comfortable in her skin has hardly ever been the case for Y/N who’s been struggling with body image issues all her life. However, they only get worse when she sees the ‘type’ of girls her crush is into.

Requested by Anon. Hi darling! Thank you so much for your request (hits close to home 😅) I’m so sorry it has taken me so long to fulfill it and post it but here it finally is and if you’ve stuck around long enough to read it, I hope you enjoy! ALSO! - Never forget how beautiful and amazing you are. Never compare your beauty to someone else’s. We’re all beautiful people and we all shine so brightly and uniquely. No one deserves to be compared to anyone when we’re all so different yet so incredible. Love you and appreciate you with all my heart, Vy ❤

If I ever need my ego taken down a few notches - it never does, it’s barely even present, to be honest - all I have to do is go on Instagram. To be honest, regardless of how I’m feeling, opening that app is bound to make my mood plummet and come crashing into the ground so hard it drives a hole in it - probably in the form of a broken heart.

Being a content creator myself, I often get asked questions about my absence on that social platform specifically. I mean, the questions are based and rational I guess, considering I’m not a faceless YouTuber and yet my Instagram account is void of any photos. It’s not like I don’t post at all - I do! I post on my story often but it’s more often than not scenery I find pretty or a poster I’ve made for a movie/video game. Bottom line is: I barely ever allow a picture of me to make it online. The most my fans are ever gonna get of me is a selfie which is also a super rare occurrence because of how long it takes me to take and choose one I don’t hate.

Ok, but how am I supposed to find the motivation to post any sort of picture of myself when on my timeline I’m always faced with people worthy of posting pictures of themselves. People with such perfect bodies and beautiful faces. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous or envious of those people - good for them! They know what they’re working with and they’re working it well. I have nothing against them, in fact, I love seeing people proud of their bodies no matter their size, shape or weight. Those are my role-models: people who are proud of themselves, their bodies, their attributes and capabilities and don’t hesitate to show them off. Those are the people I look up to but, deep down inside I know I’ll never be like.

Insecure about my body, having been referred to as ‘chubby’ and ‘squishy’ all my life. Inappreciative of the stuff I do: starting from my job as a graphic designer leading towards my job on YouTube - nothing I do, professionally or otherwise, satisfies me. Nothing I do is enough in my eyes because I feel incapable of ever being able to do enough. I’ve been called lazy and a half-asser a few too many times to be able to brush it off as a meaningless insult. 

With these problems I’ve had with myself and my own perception of who I am and the work I do, I’ve never had the time for romance or romantic relationships. I second-guess the intentions of everyone who ever shows any interest in me because in my mind I’m nothing special and I have nothing to offer - nothing attractive or likable at least. That being said, I haven’t even been one to make heart eyes at others either. I busy myself with my job and some side-gigs, brushing off any relationship questions with the excuse that I’m ‘just too busy to be in a relationship’ which is technically true.

Having spent twenty plus years with that mindset, one can imagine how surprised I was when I found myself catching feelings for someone. And that someone just couldn’t be any other than the biggest YouTube sensation at the moment - Corpse Husband.

I’m close friends with Poki - her and I were roommates at one point too - so her inviting me to play Among Us with them wasn’t so strange. One or two games, I thought, nothing unusual there, just friendly curtesy. I wasn’t expecting to warm up to the group of famous streamers nor did I expect them to welcome me among them so easily, mostly because my channel is so small and practically invisible to the YouTube algorithm. But soon enough, I became a permanent member of the team, making friends with every single one of those YouTubers I practically thought of a celebrities.

This journey of branching out to other content creators has proven itself to be surprisingly pleasant and has packed my book of friendships to the brim. All of that came unexpectedly, along with a wave of new subs and a higher view count. However, as I mentioned, it hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. I came to finally understand what my high school friends were talking about when they were head over heels for a boy - the butterflies in the stomach whenever he speaks your name; the importance of the laugh you share with him, how special and different it is; how cool it is to be impostors with him - ok they never said that, obviously, but it’s what I have as a substitute to the ‘when the two of you make eye-contact’ bullshit since Corpse and I have never seen each other in person. That is, of course, because of him being a faceless YouTuber and me being a self-conscious and insecure girl.

We do talk all the time though - texting, calling, chilling on Discord, you name it. Our conversations range from deeply philosophical to ones that might mislead someone into thinking we’re high. There’s no topic we haven’t touched upon and yet we still manage to find something new to talk about. We have plenty of similarities but we also never seem to run out of differences we slowly come across as we keep getting to know each other better and better. 

And somewhere along that journey I ended up catching feelings.

Human nature of wanting to connect with other people, I curse you for what you’ve done to me.

You might think I’m being overdramatic about the whole ordeal and that this is just a normal, natural occurrence many people experience in their life - some even daily. Well, not only am I far from used to it, but it’s also taking a toll of a different kind on me.

It’s like a constant slap to the face. 

That slap turned into a punch when Corpse and I started following each other on Instagram and I started getting daily reminders of how out of my depth I am with this crush on him. In over my head, especially when you look at all those girls whose pics and videos he reposts on his story. Imagine how that makes me feel, what that does to me - puts me back into the ‘Constantly not good enough‘ basket, the one I’ve been fighting to get out of all my life. In the past and in different contexts I could easily say that it was all just my mind hating me intensely but now - now that I know for a fact I’m not good enough and don’t fit Corpse’s criteria - it hurts ten times as much. I’m not one to do shit for someone’s attention or to attract someone’s eyes, but it really hurts my feelings. Often times, it also leads me to doing dumb things and making rash decisions. 

Like the one I made two days ago.

Imagine me cringing and shaking my head at my own stupidity as I admit this: I, in a frenzy, ordered a whole e-girl getup with overnight delivery. 

Wait, hold up, it gets worse. 

I received it yesterday and spent the whole day regretting that decision, but then, in my most insecure hours - which was somewhere around midnight - I equipped the get-up, took a picture and posted it on my Instagram page. First full body pic I’ve ever posted on there. First pic I’ve posted there of any kind. There to stay, not to be gone in twenty four hours. First pic, and it’s not even of me. It’s of who I want to be in order to fit someone’s criteria. And that fucking stings.

As you might imagine, I’ve spent today’s day regretting that decision as well. Recently my mood’s been nothing but regretting rash decisions that have surfaced under the influence of my ridiculous, constantly-present insecurities. And I would’ve probably gotten over it rather quickly had I not received a message from Corpse that read:

“Didn’t think of you with an e-girl aesthetic“

I didn’t open the message, I peeped at it as it was a notification on my lock screen. It’s still there, an unread notification. It’s been two hours since I received it and I cannot think of a single thing to say in response to that. 

Truth is, I’m afraid. I’m afraid of so many things right now.

I’m afraid of becoming that girl in the photo, cause I’m most definitely not her.

I’m afraid of letting Corpse down by admitting I’m not her.

I’m afraid of what my own mind has made me do because it hates me so much and I’m terrified of what it might do in the future.

I’m afraid and stranded on things to do.

You can’t be her forever, you know. Being her won’t make your insecurities go away, it’ll only make them worse. Haven’t you learned that by now?

I sigh, frustrated and irritated with myself as I grab my phone and tap on the notification, finally deciding to face the music and allow my instincts to carry me through the interaction. Improvisation, that’s one of the few things I’m good at. Let’s hope it doesn’t fail me.

I’m just about to type out my response - not sure what it’s gonna say - when I give the message Corpse has sent me a second glance.  I furrow my brows, finding there’s more to it than that peep through the notification let me see.

“Didn’t think of you with an e-girl aesthetic. You’re personality is so bright and colorful, I could’ve never imagined you were into the darks and blacks“

Because I’m not

I fail to realize until the message has been sent that my thoughts are exactly what I typed out and sent.

And honestly, I’m glad. It feels like I’ve spoken my truth, like I’ve lifted a huge boulder off my chest.

With that rare confidence in mind I go on and delete the picture.

In its spot, I post a picture I just now took - a mirror selfie in my homey get-up consisting of hot pink sweatpants and an oversized blue tee, my hair in a messy bun, my face free of make-up.

I caption it: ‘Oops, had the e-girl filter on for the last one. This is filterless me tho so...Hi 🥴’

A lot better, I’m surprised to hear my inner voice say. I hope I don’t get used to all this kindness on my brain’s part, probably won’t last, but damn if I don’t milk every second of it.

Just then, I receive a new message from non other than Corpse.

“Now that’s the girl I see when I think of you. She’s super cute 😉“

My, oh my, who would’ve guessed Corpse has a game like that - and by that I mean the ability to make me blush so intensely with only a text message.

Now ain’t that better than being someone else, Y/N?

It sure is, it sure is.

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[jj-babebank]

Camp Willowdale / JJ Maybank AU / PART 6

Synopsis: Camp Willowdale is buzzing with new campers. It’s Caroline Windsor’s first year as a camp counsellor after attending the camp as a camper for ten years. Little does she know that this year Willowdale Lake is going to be a little different from what she is used to it being…

Warnings: future chapters may include curse words, mentions of drugs, mentions of alcohol, mentions of sexual activities, mentions of death.

Pairings: JJ Maybank x fem OC Part 1 ; Part 2 ; Part 3 ; Part 4; Part 5 ;

Masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part 6 -

49 days of camp left

“The thing I don’t understand is,” said JJ, taking a sip of his coffee several days later at breakfast, “How is everyone so chill about all of this?”

“Yeah, everyone except for us,” said Caroline.

“And Topper,” mumbled Sarah.

Her three friends all looked up at her, eyes wide.

“What?” she looked back at them, eyes equally as wide in confusion, “Why’d you think he’s been moping around camp, face looking like a slapped ass?”

“Sarah, why didn’t you say anything at the campfire?” Caroline asked angrily.

“Um, I did,” defended Sarah.

“Um, no you didn’t,” clapped back JJ, getting visibly annoyed.

John B nodded and mumbled quietly, “They’re right, you didn’t…”

“Not now, John B,” snapped Sarah at him, turning towards her other friends, “What do you mean I didn’t?”

“When we asked you about what Topper said, you literally said ‘oh nothing of importance, he doesn’t care about the bitch either’ and then you went back to glaring at those girls goggling at John B,” said JJ.

Sarah scoffed, “I was only glaring because they refuse to listen to me and only do whatever he says,”

“That’s beside the point, Sarah,” sighed JJ, “If you weren’t too busy doing that, perhaps you’d have mentioned that Topper doesn’t buy the whole boyfriend story either, which could mean that we’ve got an ally amongst all of these lunatics!”

“Sorry,” Sarah shrugged, “I guess I just got distracted,”

Caroline shook her head sighing, “Anyway, it’s almost 9,” she looked at JJ, “What’s on our schedule for today?”

“Funny you ask,” JJ responded, “We’ve actually got swimming until 11, which means the kids have swimming until 11 and we can just chill by the lake,” he wiggled his eyebrows, “If you know what I mean,”

In the days since camp began, the whole Madison thing had died down and since there was no new occurrences and, well, no new leads, Caroline and JJ decided to put their primary focus on their teens. They’d made a small rule that every time their schedule indicated that they’ve got an activity where their physical participation is not directly required, Caroline would sneak some whiskey in their thermoses and they would quietly drink it in secret, just to spice up their day.

So far Caroline was doing a pretty good job at hiding her crush on JJ, which was somehow becoming bigger by the day. For some reason everything that JJ did was attractive. Whether it was him running, or teaching the boys how to tie a noose, or eating (pretty messily) his food, or not to mention swimming practice when he was required to get naked – Caroline could just stare at him all day. She was somewhat happy about their newfound tradition of taking over some of their daily tasks while tipsy because the alcohol was somewhat helping her seem more confident and less shy.

Caroline tied her long brunette hair in a Dutch braid and smeared the tiniest bit of mascara on her lashes, just to seem effortlessly pretty, of course. She adjusted the straps of her swimsuit and grabbed her and JJ’s prefilled thermoses before heading out to meet the boy and their group in front of the camper’s cabin.

“There she is,” said JJ, unable to hide his excitement, “We ready to go?”

The campers all agreed and they made their way down towards the lake, where Caroline and JJ sat at one of the benches while their campers hurried into the water.

“Now, now, Teens 2,” said JJ after them, not too bothered about sounding strict, “Usually our timetable says swimming, but since we’re all grown ups here, we can all do whatever we want, as long as we don’t go too far away from me and Carrie’s eyesight, alright?”

Everyone agreed and JJ sat back down next to Caroline, who handed him his thermos.

“I’ve gotta give it to you, Maybank,” she said, taking a sip of the spicy liquor in her flask, “You’ve got a way with kids,”

JJ smiled down at her, taking a sip too, “I mean they’re hardly kids, C,” he said, ��Besides, I try my best, I wouldn’t want to embarrass myself in front of you,”

That blush that Caroline was all too familiar with crept back onto her cheeks, “In front of me?” she repeated, surprised.

“Yeah,” nodded JJ as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, “I don’t see any other pretty girls around here,”

Caroline looked in the opposite direction, too shy to look at JJ, as she took another rather large sip of her drink, “JJ…”

“What? Can’t a guy give you a compliment?” he smirked, “Hey, come on now, we’re in this together, besides… your mom did say -”

Just as Caroline was about to turn towards JJ with a panicked look in her eyes, fearing what exactly her mom had said to him, two of their campers began screaming their names, diverting both of their attentions.

“Carrie! JJ! You’ve gotta come see this!”

JJ shot up, helping Caroline up as well, as they ran towards the dock. Bobby and Eli, the two campers who had called out for them, were hastily swimming back to shore.

“What is it?” Caroline asked, worry filling up her nerves.

“We found something dope!” said Eli, reaching the dock, “But we can’t reach it without you guys’ help,”

“What did you find?” asked JJ.

“That,” Bobby pointed in the direction they’d just swam from. There, a good distance away, in the middle of the body of water, stood an abandoned-looking stilt house.

“The old lake house,” JJ and Caroline said in unison.

“That’s just an old building, it’s been there forever and there’s literally nothing in it,” explained JJ, his nerves calming down after the initial jump scare, “Trust me, we’ve looked,”

Bobby rolled his eyes, “Oh, come on, you can’t be serious,” he moaned, “That place looks wicked!”

“Yeah, if you watch a lot of horror movies,” said Caroline, “JJ’s right, there’s nothing in there. I’ve been numerous times, it looks way cooler in your imagination, believe me. Reality is underwhelming,”

Eli crossed his arms, “If it’s so underwhelming why don’t you wanna take us there?”

JJ sighed, “Eli, taking you there would require taking the boats, which we’re not allowed to do unless it’s on our schedule, which it’s not, and if we take you there, we’d have to take everyone there, and -”

“Take everyone where?” came Jennie, another one of their campers’, voice suddenly.

“Yeah, JJ,” more campers gathered around the dock, “Where are you taking us?”

JJ and Caroline sighed in defeat as they shared a defeated look, making Bobby and Eli high five in victory.

“Change of plans, kids,” said JJ finally, giving in, “Swimming’s cancelled, looks like we’re going to be learning how to row today,”

_________________________________________________________

“You sure about this?” JJ grabbed Caroline’s hand as she was stepping off the boat and onto the back deck of the abandoned stilt house.

Caroline turned towards him and gave him a reassuring smile, “It’ll be just like the old days,” she said, her tone sounding promising.

JJ followed her onto the deck and they helped their campers tie their little boats on the deck’s cleats.

“Looks like y’all were really paying attention during our noose tying workshop,” JJ said proudly as he double-checked that all the boats were securely tied, “I’m gonna make sure to bring that up to Miss P and we might have a shot of winning at the Will-all-hail banquet,”

Caroline snorted at the name, “So tacky…”

“Come on guys, follow me and Carrie and watch your steps,” JJ signaled, catching everyone’s attention, “This place is crazy old so be careful! One wrong step and you may end up in the water,”

Carefully, the group entered the old creaky building. It was all too familiar to Caroline and JJ, the smell of mold and condensation hitting their nostrils as the single dusty dark room they had secretly lurked into numerous times as kids presented itself in front of them. Part of Caroline had always secretly wished for the old lake house to serve as a passageway to a parallel universe, or to hold some great big secret, or even to be inhabited by the not-so-friendly ghost of whoever built it back in the day, however unsurprisingly, nothing seemed out of the ordinary yet again. The room was empty, other than the numerous spider webs which decorated almost every corner and crease.

“There you go,” Caroline said, turning to leave, “Nothing to see here,”

JJ agreed, “As always, underwhelming and empty,”

“If it’s so empty,” spoke one of the campers, “then what’s that?” the teenager pointed in the direction of where there was once a door leading towards the front deck.

Everyone’s heads turned in that direction and sure enough, on one of the old nails sticking out of the door frame, was hung a piece of red fabric, barely noticeable from the inside, let alone from where the shore to camp was.

“Stand back,” said Caroline, slowly stepping forward towards the fabric. She peeped her head through the door hole cautiously, checking if there was anyone on the front deck, holding her breath as she did so. She breathed out in relief once she saw that the coast was clear and analyzed the fabric, “Hey, J, can you come over?”

JJ, half-impressed, half-paralyzed, snapped back to reality as he walked over to the girl who now looked so brave in his eyes, mentally slapping himself for not being a man and volunteering to go instead of her.

“Why does this look familiar?” Caroline said once JJ came over to piece of clothing. It turned out to be a dress.

JJ shrugged, pulling at the material and taking a sniff, “Whoever’s it is was here recently,” he said, “Smell of perfume is fresh,” he sniffed again, “And super strong,” he scrunched his nose, a look of disgust on his face.

Caroline took a sniff too, “Yeah, that smell is so familiar, but where from…” she sniffed again, closing her eyes in an attempt to figure out where she recognized the scent from.

“Probably one of the girls from your cabin,” concluded JJ, “I’d put my money on Jenna Kinley, she seems like the type to sneak around,”

Caroline smirked, “Sounds about right, she was probably up here sneaking around with Barry, I hear her talking about him all the time,” she unhooked the dress from the nail, “I’ll bring it back to her, she must think she’s lost it,”

JJ nodded and they led the campers out of the stilt house and onto shore again. Caroline tucked the dress in her bag along with her thermos and waited until after everyone’s daily activities were over to meet Sarah by the showers and tell her about her and JJ’s scandalous little discovery. Ever since they’d arrived at Camp Willowdale and had their phones taken away for the rest of the summer, the only source of news and gossip was whatever was happening around camp, and since it wasn’t all that much, every little bit of spice counted.

“So how was archery?” she asked Sarah as she folded her underwear and turned the water in her shower on.

Sarah followed in after her, not bothering on going into a neighboring shower stall. They had developed his habit of showering together about three days into camp, with Sarah seemingly having separation anxiety and insisting that “they’ve both got the same bits and pieces” and that how “any guy would be lucky to be in the position Caroline is in,”.

The blonde groaned as she squeezed some of her purple shampoo in her palm, foaming it up and working it into her hair, “Horrible,” she said, “How do you see me with a bow and arrows?”

“Do you really want me to answer that question?” teased Caroline, mirroring Sarah’s actions and washing her hair.

“Whatever, C,” Sarah rolled her eyes, “How was your swim date with your boyfriend?”

“Okay, first of all, he’s not my boyfriend,” said Caroline earning a smug look from Sarah, “And second, you’ll never guess what we found,”

“Oooh, is it the incessant lust you have for each other?” teased Sarah.

“No, it’s better,” said Caroline, ignoring her friend’s words, “We went to the old lake house and we may or may not have found what we believe to be Jenna’s dress just hanging there,” Sarah’s eyes widened at her words, “Yeah, we assume she’s sneaking around with Barry, how fucking scandalous is that?”

“Shut up!” gasped Sarah.

Caroline nodded excitedly, “Right? She’s been yapping about him nonstop and we just put two and two together,”

“Who’d have thought… little miss perfect and Barry,” scoffed Sarah, “D’you have the dress? It’ll be so embarrassing once you give it back to her, I can picture her face already,”

“You bet I do, it’s in my bag,” said Caroline, “Must’ve done the deed recently, it still reeks of her,” she scrunched her nose at the thought of the horrible smell.

Sarah raised an eyebrow, “What’re you pulling that face for? Does she smell that bad?”

Caroline shook her head, “It’s her perfume,” she explained, “Smells like what I imagine Miss P’s underwear drawer smelling like,”

Sarah scoffed, “Now you’ve got me intrigued,” she quickly rinsed her hair and body off, hurrying for her towel, “Where’d you say this dress was?”

Caroline nodded her head in the direction of her bag, “Somewhere in my bag,” she said, “But I’m being serious – you’ve been warned,”

As she continued rinsing her hair, Sarah dove her hand into Caroline’s bag, searching for the dress in question. When she finally felt it in her hand, she pulled the piece of clothing out pressing it against her nose to take a sniff. Her eyes widened in horror as realization consumed her.

“Carrie…” she mumbled not loud enough for her friend to look up, “Carrie, this isn’t Jenna’s dress,” she spoke louder.

This time, Caroline looked up at Sarah with a look of confusion in her eyes.

“The perfume you’re talking about,” said Sarah, “It’s Guerlain Shalimar, I’d recognize it anywhere,”

“Your point being…?”

“This perfume doesn’t belong to Jenna,” Sarah turned to look at Caroline, her eyes still wide in horror, “It’s Madison’s,”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: chapter 6 is upppp!! I hope you like it!! let me know what you think and if you want to be added in the tag list for future chapters, tell me!! xxx

tags: @k-k0129 ; @hayleyy-l ; @marvellover04

Part 7 here

[cutesuki--bakugou]

Midnight Whispers

Main Pairing: Katsuki Bakugou x Koge Naegi (OC)

Story Rating: Explicit

Genre: Fluff / Angst / Romance / Domestic

Story Warnings: Arguments, Cursing, Makeup Sex (vaginal), Hair Pulling, Bakugou Cries, Self Esteem Issues and Self Degradation, Hurt / Comfort

Written for the @bnhabookclub​​ ‘s members bingo event! 

Crossed off: Thigh Riding

Bingo Masterlist

BTW, please blacklist the tag cutesuki-lemons if you do not want to see this content from my blog. I will no longer be tagging with specific keywords for this type of content.Thank you~

Due to the nature of this post, the characters are 18+

Art in banner by me

Daily bickering was a common occurrence between Bakugou and Koge, as it had been for their entire lives. A snide comment here. A bark to pick up socks there. A whine to not put that much spice in the food. Or salt. Depends on who was cooking, of course. With someone as headstrong and easily agitated as Bakugou as a lover, it was something that Koge had grown accustomed to, and she was easily able to weed out the serious issues from the complaints that had a tendency to leave his lips without a single thought. She wasn’t much better, and she could admit that, usually snapping right back at him with her own dry humor or sarcasm that would more often than not set him off into immediate frustration. But, as a married couple with three children to care for, bickering was bound to happen, especially if it had always been present between the couple since the first day they met. 

More often than not, it was just a split second of annoyance at something the other had done, before it was filed away in the back of their minds and they returned to loving each other with a final huff or kiss on the cheek to signify that the issue was over. Sure, it wasn’t always a quick fix or easily tamed situation, but they always came out of it together, with understanding and a commitment to change. They never went to bed angry, even if it was a problem that would take days, weeks, or months to fix. Anything that was wrong, they knew that they could conquer it together, and they had learned from experience that isolating themselves and trying to deal with their problems on their own only caused harm to their relationship. 

So the fact that Koge was laying in their bed alone was honestly quite astonishing to her. Nothing about the way they had argued this time had been right. What had started out as just a small comment to make sure he gets his clothes in the dirty bin and not just all over the floor blew up into a rage that she hadn’t expected at all. Sure, she could have dealt with his typical snide comment of “Yes, Master” or something more sarcastic. But what he had said made her snap back at him without thinking, and it all exploded in typical Bakugou fashion from that moment on. 

“Katsuki, really, can’t you just toss your clothes in the bin? It’s not that hard. You’ve been bad about it lately. I already have to pick up after the kids all day, I shouldn’t have to pick up after you, too.” Koge huffed as she snatched a pair of Bakugou’s sweatpants, boxers and a t-shirt from off the floor, glowering at her lover as he exited the master ensuite with a towel around his hips. He had just returned home from a late shift doing his hero duties, and he had been quite grumpy, but that didn’t excuse him acting like a slob. If it had just been this one time, sure, she could deal with it, but that wasn’t the case. 

Every day for nearly two weeks he’d come home late and act like a total mooch. He’d eat, shower, laze around, not clean up after himself like he should, fuck Koge on occasion, and then go straight to sleep. She hadn’t brought it up yet because she assumed that maybe he was just going through a funk, but at this point, it was exhausting. 

With an annoyed click of his tongue, Bakugou stopped at his dresser, pulling open his boxer drawer without even looking at her. “Well sorry for making your life as a fucking housewife so damn difficult, Utsuro.” 

Koge paused mid bend, her fingers lightly resting against the fabric of his jacket that he had also abandoned when he returned home that night. Her stomach churning in shock of his comment, she stood up straight, placing both of her hands firmly on her hips. “Excuse me?” 

“You heard me.” Bakugou glared at her over his shoulder. “What’s your problem? I come home from a twelve-hour shift, working to support you and the kids on my own, and you can’t even handle picking up some fucking clothes?” 

“Katsuki, that’s not-” Koge’s voice hitched as she grew lost in what to say to him. “That’s not fair! I spend all day, literally from the moment that you get up at four until we both go to sleep keeping the house clean, doing all the laundry, cooking, taking care of the kids. It’s not just picking up the clothes!” 

Bakugou gave a roll of his eyes, dropping his towel to the floor as he pulled on some boxers. “Oh yeah, because that’s just as hard as what I do.” 

“I’m not claiming that it is. This isn’t a competition about who does more, Katsuki. All I need is for you to take five more seconds to put your clothes away or put your damn dishes in the sink! I’m not asking you to break your damn back when you get home. Just… I just want you to stop acting like you’re nothing but a mooching roommate who gets free food and pussy when he feels like it.” Storming over, Koge snatched his towel up off the ground, glaring up at him even though his broad and muscular body dwarfed her. “We’re a team, aren’t we? That’s what we’ve always said.” 

“Tch, sure, yeah. A team.” Bakugou hissed through his teeth, agitated snarl on his lips. “We’re a fucking team. I go work my ass off all day and risk my life to bring in money, while you sit around playing and changing fucking diapers. What a team.” 

Feeling her chest beginning to tighten, Koge did her best to blink away the burning in her eyes, clutching onto the towel tightly with both hands. “Why are you being like this? You’ve never been so mean about me staying home! And it’s only until Atsuki is old enough, then I’m going back to work. I’ve only been staying home for two years!” 

“Yeah, two years. Two years of me busting my ass for you, and all you can do is be a little bitch about picking up after me!” 

“Don’t talk to me like that! And will you look at me, stop facing away!” Koge placed both hands on his shoulder, having to use quite a bit of force to get him to turn and face her. The dark and angry glare on his face brought a lump up into her throat, tears beginning to gather up in her lashes. “Just because you’ve been working so hard doesn’t give you the right to shit on me like this, when I’m the only reason you come home to a hot meal and clean clothes!” 

“I could do it all on my own without you, don’t think so highly of yourself.” 

All Koge’s anger was immediately crushed into nothing but a smoldering pain, the tears finally escaping down her cheeks as her entire body went numb with shock. His rough expression faltered for just a moment at the sight of her tears, but in typical stubborn fashion, he refused to back down. “Oh, here come the fucking tears, huh? You know, it’s always been about you, you, you. You’re the one that’s depressed. You’re the one that’s struggling to love herself. You’re the one who’s fucking weak-” 

“Stop it!” 

“Well what about me, huh? Over all our years, have you ever even thought that I’d be struggling? That I’m the one who needs help, support, or maybe just a little fucking appreciation now and again?” 

“You never want to talk to me about these things, it’s not my fault that you’re a fucking brick wall that even I can’t get through! You don’t want to let anyone more than elbow deep in your shit, what the hell do you expect me to do?!” Koge took a moment to wipe the tears from her cheeks, though that ended up being a fruitless attempt as more were quick to replace them. “I support and appreciate you always. I’ve always been here for you! But you’re the one that acts all tough and like nothing is wrong until you explode!” 

“You’re one to fucking bark about hiding your shit, don’t start with that.” 

“Then just talk to me about it,” a hiccup interrupted her, placing her hand tenderly on his bicep to try and pull him back out of his haze of anger. “I am and always will be here for you, Katsuki. Always.” 

“You don’t fucking get it, Koge.” Bakugou shoved her hand away with a nudge, turning back to his dresser to pull out some sweatpants. “Everything that I do. Everything that I’ve ever tried to do. Fucking pointless.” 

“It’s not pointless, Katsuki. Look how successful you are, and you have a family that loves you! I love you. That isn’t enough?” 

As he finished getting dressed, Bakugou didn’t spare her another glance as he headed into the bedroom, ignoring the fact that she was at his heels. Snatching his pillow off the bed, he gave a heavy sigh, ruffling his still damp blonde locks as he paused. For a moment, he stared down at the bed, as if he were contemplating everything that had been said and what he was about to do. 

“Koge… All of the love and success in the world could never make up for the shit I’ve done and the weak person that I am.”  

 Then he left her there, standing alone in their bedroom as he made his way down the stairs. Having closed the bedroom door behind him, his footsteps vanished quickly, leaving her aching for the sound of them returning. For the ten or so minutes she stood there waiting, the silence only grew heavier and heavier on her chest, until she was left sobbing into the damp towel she was still holding. In the end, she tried to sleep, but the empty space beside her was colder and lonelier than it had ever been. She could smell him on the sheets, and as she laid there in the darkness, she found herself waiting for the heat of his touch that wouldn’t come. 

All she could do was lay there and let her mind go crazy. Why had he gone off on her like that? And what did it all mean? Was he actually growing tired of her and his family? Had they truly become such a distraction to his goals, and did he feel guilty about that? Did he not feel good enough for everything he had accomplished? There were so many things that it could be, and she wasn’t sure if she’d ever truly get a real explanation from him. 

Giving a heavy sigh, Koge turned her back to his side of the bed, looking at the digital clock that rested on her nightstand. The bright green color hurt her sore eyes for a moment, bringing her to blink a few times to alleviate the sting and clear the blur. It was just past two in the morning, meaning that she had been laying there awake and upset for almost four hours at this point. But, before she could try to contemplate what it was she should do, the small date on the bottom left corner of the clock caught her attention. 

Instantly, she felt her heart ache, pulling her blankets tighter around her as she realized what it was that could have set him so on edge. This past day had been the anniversary of not only his kidnapping when he was a first year in high school, but also the day that All Might - Bakugou’s hero and inspiration - was forced to retire during the fight to rescue him. For weeks and months afterwards, Bakugou blamed himself for what had happened, and Koge had been there for him every second that she could. Even now, at thirty-three, Bakugou still had bad dreams and memories that created an amalgamation of issues for him. 

He was strong and could hide it well, but Koge knew that it was something that he still hadn’t recovered from. The fact that it was the anniversary of one of the most traumatizing days of his life would surely explain why he had such a short fuse with her earlier. Did something happen that she hadn’t been aware of? 

Giving a small whine, Koge pulled the blanket up to her face, crying quietly into the fluffy fleece fabric. Even if something did happen… What he said was awful. I can’t just let that slip. But what should I do? 

Growing frustrated, the petite woman cried out and kicked all the blankets off her, rolling over onto her back to glare up at the dark ceiling. She couldn’t stand this! They never went to bed angry at each other like this. Why the hell hadn’t he marched up there to try and talk it out yet? Did he expect her to come down and apologize or something? She hadn’t even done anything wrong! 

Still, she knew him. She knew that stubborn, hardheaded brat like the back of her hand, and she knew that he wouldn't apologize first. He was going to avoid this for as long as he could, which would be until morning when he had to get up to head to work. She wouldn’t put it past him to try and avoid her all morning, too, putting it off even further until he arrived home again. That was something that she couldn’t stand the thought of.

She wanted to resolve all of this. 

Now. 

With a huff, Koge stood, snatching the baby monitor off the nightstand to take it downstairs with her, just in case Atsuki began to cry while they were down there. Gathering her resolve, she snuck down the hallway to the stairs, being sure to not let a single sound alert either her children or Bakugou to her presence. 

It was dark and chilly in the hall, with only the light from the windows along the stairwell allowing pale blue light to conquer the shadows. As she reached the top of the stairs, she stopped and listened, finding that there wasn’t a single sound outside of the ticking of a decorative wall clock in the living room space. While standing there, she couldn’t help but look over what she could see of her home, the moonlight creating such an ethereal glow over the modern decor. 

This home was so special to her. Bakugou had built it, for her and their - at the time - future children. It had been almost ten years ago, now, that she first walked through the beautiful blue front door. He had done this for them. There was no way he could be tired of her after everything he had done. It wasn’t possible. 

Blinking away the new tears that threatened to fall, Koge let out a quiet, trembling breath before starting to make her way down the stairs. About halfway down she paused as she heard shuffling, her pale blue gaze darting to the large couch in the living room. The back faced the stairs, so all she could see was Bakugou’s arms, which came to rest up and over the armrest. With the limp position and uncoordinated movement, Koge assumed that he had actually been able to fall asleep, which didn’t surprise her much. He was exhausted, mentally and physically, and who knows how long he spent brooding over what had happened before he crashed. 

The theory that he was already asleep was confirmed when Koge got to the bottom of the stairs, able to hear his deep, steady breathing and light snoring. 

Jerk, Koge thought as she approached the couch. Able to be a bitch and then just go straight to sleep. He’s such a… mess? What is all that mess? Coming around the side of the couch, Koge’s eyes first landed on the coffee table, which he at some point had pulled up closer to the couch. Haphazardly placed upon it was his phone, his work planner that he kept surprisingly good track of, and a pile of crumpled tissue paper from the box nearby. 

Those tissues were the oddest things to her. He wasn’t sick, and she was pretty sure he hadn’t used them for anything weird. Had he been… crying or something? As if on cue with her thoughts, the man sleeping on the couch beside her gave a rough inhale through his nose, starling her. Finally looking down at him, she felt her heart soften, just from the absolute absurdity of his position and soft expression. On his back, both of his arms were up over his head, one tucked under his pillow while the other hung limply off the armrest. His face was turned to rest against his left bicep, cheek squished in and mouth open to accommodate his stuffed-up nose. As for his legs, one was bent at the knee while the other hung awkwardly off the couch, and it was very obvious that he had grown used to sleeping in a large bed where his body had all the room it needed. 

Shockingly, the fleece blanket he had thrown over himself to sleep was still in place, pulled up to his collarbone and covering his torso to his knees. Stupid boy… that blanket is too small for him. He does look comfortable, though… But his nose is all red. When did he fall asleep? Glancing back at the table, Koge put the baby monitor down quietly, before stepping in closer to him. The face that had been scrunched up in anger was so soft now, completely void of the harsh lines that creased his fair skin. She could perfectly imagine the moments in their life when he had looked at her so softly, holding her close and showering her with affection.  

Sniffling, Koge reached down to run her fingers through the soft tufts of blonde hair along his forehead, her fingertips lightly tracing along his temple and across his cheek. It was then that she could feel something she hadn’t noticed before, a wetness that he had neglected to clean up. He had been crying, self-isolated down here with nothing but his thoughts to torment him. Just like she had been. 

In that moment of wiping away the tear with her thumb, Koge knew that he regretted what he had said. She knew that he was upset with himself, that he was ashamed and would rather let out all his emotions alone than have to face her with his shame. Because he was stubborn and prideful, and he couldn’t let his weakness show, not when it was something that tormented him so. Although what he had said hurt her, she needed to push him to rectify this, and in the still of the night, she knew that they could do it. Together, hidden from the rest of the world, they needed to bare their souls to each other and forgive. 

There was a soft groan from his throat at her touch, his face turning more into his arm as his body tensed and stretched. Koge kept her hand on his cheek gently, softly stroking his skin to try and pull him into consciousness, pairing it with a soft cooing of his name. 

“Katsuki? Katsukiiii…” 

With a deep inhale through his nose, which rattled with his congestion, Bakugou’s eyes fluttered open for a moment, barely glancing over her figure in the moonlight before he rested his hand over hers. 

“Utsuro…” Turning his head slowly, he pressed his lips against her palm, kissing her skin softly as if he were waking her up on a typical morning. His softness brought a new round of burning to her eyes, her free hand running through his hair again softly. 

“Yes, Katsuki… Wake up, love.” 

He was still for a moment, nearly falling back asleep before his eyes opened again. This time, they stayed open, glancing around his surroundings with hooded eyelids. When his tired crimson gaze finally landed back on her, his eyes widened slightly, as if he were shocked to see her there. “What are you doing, Utsuro?” He pulled her hand away from his lips, tightening his grip on her hand as his brow furrowed with worry. 

“I couldn’t sleep. I… I wanted to come talk to you.” 

“No… fuck off.” He pushed her hand away and slapped the other out of his hair, glaring at her stomach through his sleepy haze. “Go back to bed.” Although he tried to sound threatening, his voice wavered, and the way his eyebrows furrowed upwards was a clear sign to Koge that he had heard it, too. He wasn’t going to be able to keep himself composed. 

“I won’t. I’m not letting you get away again. I forgive you, Katsuki, I want to talk about it-” 

“No!” Bakugou’s voice spiked with his frustration, but he quickly lowered it as he heard it echo through the open room, being conscious of his sleeping children. “You can’t forgive me so easily! Get away from me!” 

“Shhh, Katsuki,” Before he could move, Koge lifted and slipped under the fleece blanket, sitting on his stomach. 

“Get off--!” 

“It’s okay,” As his body began to shake with the last little hold he had on his emotions, Koge took hold of both of his cheeks, stroking them softly with her thumbs as she rested her body down against him. “Let it out, Katsuki. It’s just me.” 

With her touch and soothing words, Bakugou’s face further contorted with sadness, before the tears rushed down his cheeks with the rough release of his breath. The sight of him so broken like this instantly crushed Koge’s heart, but she kept her own composure, pressing her forehead against his tenderly. “Shh… I’m here, Katsuki. It’s okay.” 

“Koge… Fuck, I’m sorry-” Bakugou wrapped his arms around her like a vice, one hand buried into her hair at the back of her head while the other clutched her body close. Even his legs lifted as his body turned a bit towards the back of the couch, doing everything he could to make sure she was as physically close to him as possible. “I didn’t mean it!” 

“I know you didn’t,” Koge allowed him the time to release all the built-up emotions, wiping away the hot tears with her thumbs. To allow him in closer, she carefully wrapped her arms around his neck, letting him hide his face into her chest and soak her t-shirt with his tears. She stroked his hair softly, lightly rubbing and massaging his scalp with her fingers and her nails. “I know, Katsuki… It’s okay.” 

“It’s not! It’s fucking not!” Bakugou moved his other arm down around her torso, squeezing her closer. Even though his grip was tight, he held her like she was a priceless treasure, secure yet comforting and tender. “I told you I didn’t need you! I’m so damn stupid…” 

“Shh… You don’t have to explain yourself right now, Katsuki--” 

“You’re my everything and I talked to you like you’re a piece of fucking gum on my shoe. All because I’m fucking tired. I’m so tired.” 

Frown crossing her lips, Koge nuzzled her face into his hair, closing her eyes to try and control her own tears. “You’re my everything, too, Katsuki… I could never be happy without you. And I’m so blessed that I get to have you come home to me every day. I… I know that something must have happened to make you feel so bad about yourself. But I need you to know something, okay…?” Pausing for a moment to wait and see if he wanted to respond, she took his silence and sniffles as permission to continue. 

“You are not weak… And you deserve all the fame you’ve gained, and all the love you receive. You deserve your happiness. I love you. And even if everyone else turns their backs on you, I will be here. Forever. Always.” 

There was a moment of silence between them, with nothing but the clicking of the clock and the sounds of his congested breathing and sniffles. Eventually, he lifted his head up to face her, his cheeks flushed so dark that she could see it even in the dim light. Smiling softly, Koge used her fingers to wipe his tears away again, before using her t-shirt to get his nose. “Snotty.” 

Scrunching up his face in detest of her pinching and wiping his nose, Bakugou gave a click of his tongue. “Hey, I’m not one of the kids!” 

“Maybe not, but you’re still my baby.” Caressing his cheeks, Koge leaned in to kiss the bridge of his nose softly. “My Katsuki. I love you so much.” 

“But I… still need to explain myself. Why I acted out like a fucking asshole…” 

“Don’t worry about that right now, love. It’s late… Neither of us have slept. Well, you did a little,” Koge smiled against his lips softly as his hand curved up along her back to her side, slowly moving down her body to her hip. “You’re really cute when you’re sleeping.” 

“Yeah? What’d you do, stare at me like a weirdo?” 

“No! I can’t help but think you’re cute.” 

“I’m not cute.” 

“Yes, you are!” 

“Tch…” Bakugou’s still gleaming crimson eyes glanced over every inch of Koge’s face, his hand slipping around her backside before down along her thigh that was resting up over his hip. Koge knew that look and that touch, her cheeks flushing with heat as he parted his lips up against hers, only hinting at his urge to kiss her. With his rough fingers softly digging into the plush, cold skin of her thigh, she couldn’t help but tuck herself in closer, fingers lightly gripping onto his hair while her heart began to pound. “Koge…” 

“Yes, Katsuki?” 

“You know when you’re really cute?” 

Koge’s cheeks flushed hotter, giving a small shake of her head, her nose brushing lightly with his. 

“When you’re under me, blushing and squirming�� and moaning my name.” Bakugou was barely able to finish speaking before he took Koge’s lips for his own, kissing her with a breathless passion that she had been missing. For weeks now, their love making had been reduced to basic and boring fucking, leaving her unsatisfied and desperately craving the affection from him that she adored. That passion that had smoldered down to barely embers became a raging fire with just the connection of their lips, burning Koge from the inside out. She knew that fire wouldn’t cease, that nothing but being one with him could extinguish the flame, and so she allowed herself to be devoured by him. 

A soft groan left his lips with just the taste of her, his hand sliding back up her thigh to pull her hips tighter up against him. Shifting her body to get closer, Koge let out a small squeak as his thigh pressed up between hers, firmly resting up against her sex. Legs intertwined and craving the new pleasure his leg provided, Koge let her hand slide around to softly caress his neck while the other stayed dug into his hair, all while her hips began to roll and grind against his thigh. With her first soft sigh of pleasure into the kiss, Bakugou kept his large palm placed firmly on her ass, squeezing the plush form. 

“Do whatever you want, Utsuro,” Bakugou spoke low against her lips, catching her gaze between the moments that their lips parted. “Tell me what you want. I’ll do anything for you.” 

Koge moaned sweetly, tightening her legs around his thigh as her grinding became more vigorous. She could feel the hard form of his cock digging into her lower stomach with each roll of her hips, being sure to purposefully push them further in so that he got some attention as well. “I just want you to love me, Katsuki,” Her voice hitched from the pressure against her clit, her skin tingling with the pleasure and heat rolling through her body from his touch. “Touch me. Hold me… And just let me in. Let me love you and comfort you, too. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” 

Bakugou’s hand slid up under her t-shirt to caress her back near her shoulder blades, pulling her in tighter against his chest as their lips met again. Meanwhile, Koge’s traveled down across his chest and around to his back, tracing the form of his muscles until her fingers reached one of the little dimples right above where the hem of his sweatpants rested. Just feeling his body like this made her movements more passionate, picking up the pace of her grinding on his leg. It had felt like an eternity since they had been so close together like this, every other moment for weeks feeling like there was no love or emotion behind anything they did. He had been so checked out of the relationship, his mind swirling in his troubles and struggles, and although she wished that he would have come to her sooner, Koge knew why he hadn’t. 

She knew, because this had happened only a few years ago, with Koge shutting down and blocking him from helping her for months on end. Back then, she hadn’t felt like she was worth his worry or like she was good enough for him at all, and she had said horrible things to him, too. And now, his internal struggles were exploding just as hers had, burdening him with feelings of inadequacy, weakness, and like he was undeserving. He didn’t have to say it. She knew, because their connection and understanding of each other wasn’t something that could be easily explained. It was deep and strong, powerful enough to get them through anything, as long as they were together. 

Beginning to be able to feel her heat and wetness coating not only her underwear, but her thighs and his sweatpants as well, Koge wanted to give him something in return. Her hand slipping beneath his sweatpants and boxers, her soft touch stroked across his ass and to his hip, tenderly cupping his hard and throbbing member after she set him free from his clothes. 

“Fuck,” Bakugou growled against her lips at the touch, pressing his forehead into hers to catch her gaze and watch her expression. “Your hands are always so damn cold. You fucking walking freezer.” 

Koge couldn’t resist a soft smirk against his lips, rolling her thumb teasingly around this tip to displace the leaking precum. “Well, someone seems to like it. You. You’re someone.” Shifting herself up a bit higher, Koge’s leg came to rest over his hip instead, giving her enough room to let his cock rest flush between her legs and up against her sex. “How’s that? Warmer?”

“Not quite warm enough,” His hand moving back down to her ass, he used his impressive reach to be able to pull her underwear to the side, the tip of his cock teasing her wet and aching hole. 

Nibbling at her bottom lip, Koge felt heat spread across her cheeks, her stomach bubbling with anticipation. She wanted him to be inside her so badly, to connect with her and be one, to share that love and sentimental passion that no one else in the world would ever see. Their love, although scarred with healed wounds and new scratches, could never be broken. 

“Katsuki,” Koge whispered out breathlessly, her hand once again caressing his cheek. “Please…” 

With only a slight shifting of his hips and some guidance from his fingers, Bakugou began to slip his cock into her, both of them sighing in satisfaction as they became entangled together, on their sides and as close as they could possibly get. One arm supporting her head with his fingers buried into her hair, the other hooked firmly around her waist, allowing Bakugou to hold her steady as he began a slow roll of his hips. The moonlit room was swimming with sounds of soft sighs and tender moans, surrounding them completely in a bubble of their own world that contained nothing but each other. 

Koge already felt like she was going to go mad from the heat between them, the strength of his body against her, and the slow yet consistent rhythm of his cock moving inside her. This feeling of being so close to him, so full and connected was something that she would never get used to, nor was it ever something she wanted to lose. As the desperation to keep him close swirled around in her belly with all her other fluttering feelings of adoration and longing, Koge kept herself clutched onto him tightly, her nails dug into his back and foreheads resting against each other. The closeness had their noses and lips brushing with every thrust, a kiss being shared here and there between moans and soft sighs. She could stay like this forever, staring into his crimson gaze, surrounded inside and out by his presence. 

“Mm, Katsuki-” Koge had to hold back a louder moan, biting down onto her bottom lip as he picked up the pace of his thrusts. “S-so good… You feel so good inside me-” A sharp gasp and a squeak cut her off as Bakugou’s grip on her hair tightened, pulling and bending her hair back just enough to add to her pleasure. He couldn’t resist a low groan that rumbled in his chest from her change in expression with the new pain, her brow furrowing upwards and lips parted in a restrained moan. The tears that she had been holding back since the beginning gathered at the corners of her eyes and in her lashes, shimmering with the moonlight and threatening to fall at any second. 

“Yeah, Utsuro? You like my cock inside you? Of course you do-” Bakugou answered for her when she was only able to give a meek nod, her voice hitching with increased roughness. “Ah fuck… You’re so tight. So fucking hot!” What was once tender morphed into a greedy craving of pleasure that was mutual between them, as Bakugou rolled them over so she was on her back. His hand still gripping her hair at the scalp, he kept his lips hovering over her open mouth, captivated by her expression shifting as her eyes rolled back. “I’ve missed that look… Fuck I wish I could hear you scream for me right now.” 

Keeping her legs wrapped loosely around his waist to let him move however he pleased, Koge allowed him to ravage her, doing everything she could to control the volume of her voice. He felt so good slamming into her like this, his thick cock filling up every inch of her and leaving nothing untouched. Her orgasm was quickly approaching, and she was sure to let him know that with his nails dug deep into the skin of his back and her uncontrollable subdued gasps. 

“That’s it, Utsuro,” Bakugou hissed against her flushed and tear stained cheek, his eyes never leaving hers. “Cum for me, baby.” 

The rare pet name slipping from his lips immediately set Koge off, more tears spilling from her eyes as her voice hitched with a moan and a sob. “Ka-Katsu--!” Right as her voice peaked, Bakugou’s large palm clamped over her mouth, releasing her hair to instead muffle her moans and uncontrollable sobs as she came hard. The feeling of her clenching and squeezing around his cock brought a hiss from behind his teeth, hiding his face into her shoulder as he helped her ride out her orgasm with slower, shallow thrusts. It took Koge a few minutes to finally fall back down from her high enough to take back control of her voice and her body, breathing heavily in through her nose and stroking his hair with trembling fingers. 

Moving his hand away from her mouth, Bakugou instead caressed her cheek, using his thumb to wipe away her tears while his lips kissed away the others. Without another word, he began to move within her again, though he didn’t pick back up where he had left off. Instead, his thrusts were slow and deep, much as they had been at the beginning, his focus entirely on her face and his gaze staying firmly locked with hers. As she looked back up at him, Koge couldn’t help but wonder how there could be so much love, so much absolute infatuation within his gaze. It made her heart - her entire body - melt into him like butter, and she could only hope that he could see it in her eyes, too. 

How much she loved him. 

How much she needed him. 

How happy he made her. 

How truly blessed she was to call him her husband. 

“Koge,” Bakugou spoke with trembling breath, his thrusts quickening as he grew closer to his peak. “I’m sorry. And I love you. I love you more than fucking anything.” 

“I love you, too, Katsuki. I love you-!” Koge tightened her grip on him as he kissed her passionately, clenching her eyes shut tightly to try and control her tears. Within moments, Bakugou’s thrusts became erratic, digging himself into her as he released hot ropes of cum inside her. Just the feeling of how hot it was made Koge tremble, sighing softly against his lips while he moaned in pleasure of his release against hers. 

“Mm, fuck--” Bakugou cupped both of her cheeks, placing kisses on her lips that soon traveled up the bridge of her nose to her forehead. “Damn it, I love you.” 

Smiling, Koge gave a soft giggle as his lips came down across her temple and cheek, able to feel the heat of his lips even against her flushed skin. “I love you, too, my Katsuki. Was I cute enough for you?” 

Bakugou gave a grunt, his final kiss on her lips rough and punishing for her teasing. “Don’t be a smartass.” Removing himself from her, Bakugou adjusted his clothes back into place on his hips before squeezing himself between her body and the back of the couch, laying down on his side facing her. Before Koge could even think about whining about being cold, he pulled the fleece blanket that had been pushed down near their feet back up and over them, tucking it up behind her back and under her side as she turned to face him. 

“Ooh, you know me so well.” Koge nuzzled her nose against his softly as they grew comfortable together. “Mm, so toasty. My heater.” 

“Fuck off.” Bakugou tenderly moved some of her hair out of her face and back behind her ear, his choice of words not matching his calm tone. “You leech.” 

“Your leech, you mean. Or should I say, your baby.” Koge couldn’t resist a smile as Bakugou’s face flushed, his brow furrowing as if he didn’t expect her to pick on him so soon. “You called me ‘baby’!” 

“Tch, so what if I did?!” His typical defensive snarl was paired with a hushed yell, as if he were scolding one of his children in a store instead of his wife. “I can call you whatever the hell I want to, Utsuro!” 

“Then do it! Please,” Batting her eyelashes innocently, Koge gave a playful pout. “Call me ‘baby’.” 

“You want me to?”

“Yes!” 

“Then I’m not going to. All you get is ‘Utsuro’!” 

“You can’t just give it to me and then rip it out of my hands like that, Katsuki!” Koge whined as she shoved her head into his chest, giving his body a punishing squeeze with all her limbs that were entangled with his. “It’s the worst!” 

Bakugou stroked the back of her head softly, giving a tired sigh as he closed his eyes. “But I like Utsuro…” 

“I know, but there’s nothing wrong with changing it up sometimes, love.” 

“But Utsuro is my name for you. And only mine.” 

Cheeks flushing, Koge nuzzled her face up into his neck, kissing his skin softly. “Mm… Because I’m yours.” 

“That’s right, baby,” Bakugou smirked against the top of her head as Koge gave a small, happy squeal, pressing herself in tighter against him. Though, it was quick to fade as the fight they had crept back up along his spine, and Koge was easily able to pick up on his sudden lax posture. 

Tilting her head back up, she caught his gaze, her hand coming to rest softly on his cheek. “You want to tell me about it now?” 

Brow furrowing deeply, Bakugou couldn’t seem to find it in himself to look into her eyes now, his gaze locked on the tip of her nose. “There’s nothing anyone could have done to me that would excuse the way I acted.” 

“It still upset you, love. A lot. Please tell me?” 

Bakugou fell silent for a moment, only the soft ticking of the clock through the quiet room giving Koge any sense of how many minutes went by. When he finally opened his mouth to speak, it was as if every little noise in the room hushed, from the ticking to the buzz of the electricity in the walls, and Koge couldn’t help but hold her breath. 

“I’ve dealt with not being appreciated like other heroes. Like Deku or Todoroki. Or anyone else, for that matter. Anything great I ever do is always latched to my attitude… and my failures. Controversies… All that bullshit.” Bakugou paused for a moment to move a strand of hair off her cheek, still unable to look her in the eye. “These past few weeks, I felt really pressured to… Prove that I was worth something. I’ve tried hard, and it’s worked, but I began to realize that I was starting to lose you. And the kids… I worried that… to get one thing I want, I’ll have to lose the other. And that scared the shit out of me. Just even allowing myself to think like that. Total fucking stupidity.” 

“Why were you feeling like you needed to prove something?” Koge couldn’t stop the small frown on her lips, which Bakugou was quick to kiss away gently. Finally, his gaze met hers, and the pain she had been familiar with since high school made itself clear. 

“Because of today. You know that every year since it happened, there’s a special about All Might’s final fight and retirement. And every time… every fucking time… The asshole reporters make it seem like it’s my fault. That I haven’t been the type of hero that was worthy of being saved back then. That his sacrifice was for nothing.” A moment passed as he gathered his thoughts, his fingers still working their way through her hair. “And still, after everything I did… Everything I tried to do lately, it still happened. And then I take it out on you… I’m weak. And like I said, nothing I can do will make up for the shitty things I’ve done.” 

Koge felt a burning build up in the back of her throat as new tears gathered in her eyes, placing her hand on his cheek. “Katsuki, that’s not true. You are an amazing hero, and so many people look up to you. They respect you and they adore you. There will always be some people out there with negative opinions, and you know that negativity gets higher ratings and views in the media. But those things don’t make up who you are. You are a great man. A strong hero. A loving husband and father. And there is nothing wrong with being weak, because you have people in your life who will support you and build you up stronger.” 

With a blink, her frustrated tear fell from the inner corner of her eye and traveled down the side of her nose, but Bakugou was quick to wipe it away with the rough pad of his thumb. Sniffling, Koge held his hand against her cheek, soaking in the feeling of his tender touch and his heat.

“I know it’s hard to accept, but it is okay to be weak. To be imperfect. Because you grow from these things. Never forget your accomplishments. You’re Japan’s Ground Zero, the number two hero. And you are my Katsuki, number one best friend, husband, and father to three little squids. I love you. Please don’t forget to love yourself.” 

Although there were no words, Koge could see the slight fault in Bakugou’s stern expression, though his face was buried into her hair as he squeezed her in close before other emotions could break loose. 

“You and your mushy shit, Koge… How do you always know exactly what to say…?” 

“Because I can see the truth, Katsuki.” 

“Oh yeah, you have like a third eye or some shit?” 

Sniffling, Koge pulled back from him, giving him multiple playful kisses on the lips in punishment of his teasing. Right as she was about to stop, Bakugou took over to kiss her tenderly, melting Koge to the core until she was like putty in his hands. With a soft hum in happiness, Koge smiled against his lips nuzzling her nose against his softly. Bakugou responded with one last kiss, giving his own sigh and small smile. 

“Thank you… Koge.” 

Tagging: @gallickingun​​ , @aizawasbedtimestories​​

[henryholmesacademia]

Predilection Chapter Two

A/N: I just wanted to thank you all real quick for all the notes on the last chapter. It means so much to me! Here is chapter two I really hope you enjoy! I also think I will TRY to update every Friday. 

The woman sighs as she presses a hand to the windowpane to admire the moon. Glass cold under her touch from the bitter air of the night. The city of London is displayed out in front of her. Street lamps were being turned off for the night, as were the lights that shone through the other windows. Even cities had to retire at some point. 

She revels in the small rush of adrenaline this afternoon gave her. Seeing him again, made what one could have considered flutters in her stomach if she ever had those in the first place. Unlike her acquaintance, she did on occasion show her emotions. One could even say that she “wore her heart on her sleeve” as it was. But she’s learned how to keep up a face. Only let others see what she allows them. It makes her job easier, it helps appeal her skills to potential employers. This employer, especially. 

She heard the creak of the floorboard from in front of her room that she rented. The sound of the paper scraping the bottom of the door as it moves from the hallway into the room. While it was not a calling card from her “favorite player”, she was not any less disappointed with the simple words written on the page. 

Limehouse. Tomorrow. 

Well then, this should be fun. 

—— 

Miss Harrison was a lady by no means delicate, but still, the utter stench of the alleyway had her gagging as soon as she crossed. She covered her nose and mouth with a hand as she had given her handkerchief to Sherlock last night. Well…she slipped it in his pocket in hopes of toying with him. Her favorite sport. 

The lock of the door catches her eye, as there was no lock and the rest of the wooden place looked to be hanging by a single beam. 

“Good gracious!” She exclaims looking at the damage. “This is well above my pay grade.” She mumbles as she squeezes in between two fallen pieces of wall. 

Getting dirty was a daily occurrence in her job, she was not immune to it. But she refuses to believe that in only a minute of walking through the door she is expected to get her new white gloves, courtesy of a recently widowed Lord, covered in soot. 

The half-burned book is one that she does need to properly dispose of, the wooden crates need to be broken apart further than they already were, and the science equipment out in the open truly needs to be made scarce. These ladies were attracting too much attention to a cause that needed the element of surprise. 

Her cleaning expedition takes her longer than she thought, and given the sound of the creaking floorboard getting louder, she wasn’t the only one sent here. She makes her way to what was left of the back of the location and fixes her appearance in the reflection of a broken mirror. Using a piece of mirror that was on the floor, she uses it to look behind the doorway to see who her soon-to-disappear guest is. 

She would recognize those broad shoulders anywhere, so what business does Sherlock have with this? She takes a moment to fix her lipstick as well as dab some of the sweat that accumulated on her brow, and after she checks her pocket watch, she concludes she has a few minutes to torment him. 

“Well, well, well, Mr. Sherlock.” She moves from behind the barely-there wall. “If I didn’t know any better, I would say you were following me.” Her smile can only be painted as smug while she clasps her hands in front of her figure, having made sure to remove her scoot-covered gloves. 

“Did you do this?” He gestures around to the nearly empty room, oblivious to her flirtation as always. How typical of men. 

“No ‘hello’?” Her eyebrow quirks up, but she catches his stern look and decides to tell him the truth. “This is not my work, Mr. Holmes. This was the state I greeted it in.” Well, some truth. The walls are still in the same condition she found them in. 

“I find that hard to believe.” He states. “This is very different from the way I left it when I came earlier.“ 

"Returning to the scene of the crime, were you?” She walks closer to him. “Believe me, Mr. Holmes-" 

"I have a hard time doing so.” He cooly responds as his hand drags against the wooden table. 

“And he comes with a bite!” She feigns shock at his response. “Mr. Holmes, I can assure you that this is the state I found it in. I was just as shocked as you when I first found it." 

"What are you doing here?” He inquires while looking at the now empty table. 

“I was looking for someone if you must know. I assume you are doing the same." 

"Who are you looking for?" 

"I could ask you the same question.” She counters. “You can’t help but ask what a missing marquee would be doing here. Unless it’s not the marquee you are after." 

"Good day, Miss Harrison.” He tips her hat. It seems she had hit a sore subject. 

“I can help you.” She offers. “It is what I am doing for my employer. Whoever it is you are looking for, judging by their connection to this location, has to have some relationship with the person I am looking for."  

He stops on his way out. "Thank you for your generosity, but I must decline. Excuse me." 

"Mr. Holmes, with all due respect, your talent lies in solving mysteries and I specialize in finding people.” Not to mention putting an end to them. “You work alone with nothing besides very few inquiries, while I have endless contacts and acquaintances.” She reasons. “The person you are looking for, are they worth the time that could have been avoided if you would have accepted my help?" 

"Stubborn woman.” He mutters under his breath. 

“What is stubborn about knowing what you want? I know that this is a case that I want to help you with.” She walks over to him and straightens his tie. “Mr. Holmes, tell me you have not forgotten what a great team we make." 

He gently removes her hand from his tie. "I try to forget." 

"Oh, how your words of indifference wound me.” Her teasing voice contrasting with the faux look of sadness on her face. She makes her way to the door. “Are you coming or not, Mr. Holmes?" 

——

"You are being awfully quiet.” The young detective looks up at the voice that calls him from across the carriage. “You have always been the quiet sort, but I thought by now you would have been interrogating me." 

"I have no patience for questions that go unanswered.” He answers, honestly. He knows the young woman in front of him to be mysterious, flirty, and too modern for her own good. Or rather his own good. The detective knows of her games. He’s found himself on the receiving end of them plenty of times. 

He observes the countryside passing through the window and thinks to himself how her games have improved if she is now able to pay for carriages instead of stealing train tickets. His train ticket if we want to nitpick. 

He then observes his companion, the closed-lipped smile on her face as she pulls out a pocket watch, his pocket watch. “Quite a pickpocket you are. I nearly had forgotten." 

"I took it as a keepsake, Mr. Holmes. It felt as if you were always with me.” She holds it closer to her figure so that he would not try to take it back. “For the next three minutes, you can ask me any question you would like and I have to answer honestly." 

"You have done this before and you never gave a satisfactory answer. The statements were only truthful because they were broad answers without substance." 

"And you remain aloof as always. Every one of those answers was on a need-to-know basis. You asked me when I was returning, and I replied that you would be aware of when I returned. Were you not aware?" 

"After how many days? How long were you in England before you decided to start your game? Before you sent your inner circle of people to torment? A week? A month?” His voice was getting louder toward the end of his accusation. 

“None of this is a game, Sherlock! I do not know what else I could do to prove that to you!” Her eyes close as she sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose between her thumb and index finger. 

The remained silent for a few moments, her using his first name did not go unnoticed but he did not choose to acknowledge or dwell on it. 

Sherlock breaks the silence first. “When I asked you why you were running away…" 

She looks at him, both sadness and fondness in her face as if she was replaying the moment in her head. "My answer was truthful." 

And there they left the conversation. 

Silence fell upon the carriage with the only noise being the driver’s commands to the horses and the stomping of the hooves. 

——

They arrived later that afternoon to a small, quaint inn. An elderly woman greets them and compliments them on their appearance as a couple, saying that their children would be beautiful. 

Before Sherlock can disagree with her forwardness, his companion links her arm through his, giving a smile and a small ‘thank you’ as she takes the key and gently pulls on his arm with a ‘Don’t stand there all day, my dear.’

Sherlock is surprised at the size of the room. The quality of the bed with all of its pillows and embroidered blanket. No expense seemed to be spared at the cost of decorating the room with high-end lamps, antique furniture, and quite beautiful light fixtures.

While he knew his companion never struggled or wanted for money, this was beyond the price he remembered her being able to afford. He had not heard of a death in her family for her to garner an inheritance. She never spoke much of her employer. Never gave any description or revealed any useful knowledge. 

"It is easier to get around if we pretend to be a happily married couple. No one will try to stick their nose in our business.” She gets her bag from him and places it on the bed. “This brings back so many fond memories. Don’t you think, Mr. Holmes?" 

"That was only one time, it was very long ago, and we agreed to never speak of it again.” He can’t help but feel as if he had forgotten something. A factor of some sort. He can’t quite put his finger on it. 

“I have never forgotten.” She smiles. “Now, let’s talk about dinner." 

——

"This is why I do not travel with companions.” She hears him mutter as he flips his watch out and places it back in his pocket. So much time was being wasted waiting on their dishes. “What information can be gathered here?” She had dragged him out to a very elegant restaurant with a very spacious dining room. Every woman wore an elegant, no doubt imported, evening gown while every man wore a tailored suit and tie. 

“My dear, Mr. Holmes, there is so much knowledge to be obtained here. Once you get some food in your stomach and a glass of alcohol in you, you will see I am right.” She reaches over and pats the back of his hand reassuringly. “I would have thought that you out of all people could have known what information could be gathered here.” She leans closer to him over the table and whispers in his ear. “In a room full of high society’s best. The only people who think their secrets matter when in reality the cook knows more than the husband who is having an affair, the widow who killed, or the child who spent their inheritance for the wiles of the world. These people, Mr. Holmes, have power and leverage as well as their weaknesses. You just need to prey on the right one." 

She returns to her seat when the server comes and places their plates in front of them. The detective looks around, to try to see what she has taken notice of. "Is that why you ran away from this life?" 

"Running away requires fleeing from something that you are afraid of. I am not afraid of a life of pearls, having a maid wait on my hand and foot, or having a husband. I just simply choose not to have it. I would much rather be here having dinner with you. You make for a wonderful companion, unlike the boring businessman I would have sitting in front of me if I did marry." 

"I do not believe he was a business-" 

"By the door, a man just walked in who owes me a favor. Go and give him my name, he will help you find who you are looking for.” Her eyes seemed to dart toward the powder room. “You speak with him while I go and powder my nose." 

"How will he-" 

"Believe what you want, Mr. Holmes, but trust me when I tell you that he will help give you the information that you need to find whoever it is you are looking for. He will not speak to you if I am here, when you finish speaking to him, go and wait for me outside of the powder room. Now get up, and go offer to buy him a drink." 

For once, he seems to follow her orders and he is able to gain some information, but it piqued his curiosity about why the man’s face resembled that of having just seen a ghost when her name was mentioned, and immediately began looking for the woman. After the exchange, he waited for her near the wall of the powder room. One woman passed in front of him and she gave him a glance of indifference out of the corner of her eye. Unusual, but not uncommon. Until his companion arrived and seemed to be placing a paper in her bag. She looks up in shock to see him. "Done so soon? How many drinks did you give him? He never gives information that easily.”

“What are you hiding in your bag?” She had wanted him to not see it. What else is she hiding from him?

“My heart. Which is why it is so small. Shall we finish dining?” She tries to step away from him, but he stands in front of her again. 

“What are you keeping from me?” He blocks her passage. For just one weekend, could she not be honest with him? 

“Both everything and nothing, Mr. Holmes. Now let me through." 

"You said you weren’t playing a game. If we are to be partners, you need to tell me the truth." 

"Let me ask you a question, have you told me who you are looking for?” She raises an eyebrow.

“You haven’t told me who you are looking for either.”

“Then I guess we both are hiding things from each other. We both acknowledge it, now let’s put it past us." 

"Because that went so well-” he is cut off by her hands being placed on the sides of his face and pulling him down to meet her lips. Her hands tangling themselves on the hair that reached his neck. His hand went to her waist to steady himself.

Sherlock heard a scoff and the rustling of fabric before she pulled away. 

She smooths the front of her dress while he is standing there, just mildly confused about what had happened. 

“Well then, shall we go finish eating?” She leaves him there, only calling after him over her shoulder. “Are you going to stand there in shock all night or are you going to come to eat?" 

They are silent during dinner, the only noise being the sound of silverware scraping their plates. The ride back to the inn being as quiet with them looking in opposite directions. 

It wasn’t until the young detective arrived at the room that he finally figured out what was wrong with the situation. 

There was only one bed.

——

A/N: I am a fanfiction writer, I couldn’t not use the “there was only one bed” trope! Until next Friday, lovelies!

@maan24​

[hinnyxromione]

“Out of No Where” Harry/Ginny Claim Debunked

So, I usually do not feed into the argument that Harry and Ginny’s relationship came out of nowhere claim because first of all, I’ve always seen it as a misadvised, unjustified argument that stemmed from what the movies presented. However, since I’m quarantined in my house and I’m a social psychologist in training, I questioned whether or not there was a way to quantify Ginny Weasley and Harry Potter’s relationship to find whether or not this “out of nowhere” claim is justified. 

To develop my hypothesis, I did a literature review from social psychology academic, empirical studies on infatuation, relationships, and love in both teenage samples and young adult samples. From that review, I found a popular theory in infatuation which states that what we deem as “crushes” develop at an exponential rate (an example depicted below). 

Think of the x-axis (horizontal line) as the time passed. Think of the y-axis (vertical line) as the number of times a person thought of the person/item of interest. The red line is what we’re interested in. In the exponential graph below, as time passes, the rate of growth in number of thoughts increased “exponentially.” So in a way, think of the corner of the red line as the point in which the subject has identified that they have a crush on the person of interest. After that crush has been identified, the number of thoughts related to that person increases substantially due to the addictiveness and fascination associated with infatuation. Of course this makes sense when we think about our obsession with the Harry Potter franchise. The more we realized we loved it, the more we thought about it. (Or I assume you’ve had this experience being that you’ve read this post to this point).

Hypothesis and Measurement:

So how does this relate to Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley? My hypothesis was that Harry’s crush on Ginny would develop in a similar pattern throughout the six books leading up to their first kiss. To test this, I quantified Harry and Ginny’s relationship through the number of pages the word “Ginny” appeared in the books. Now hear me out: the books for the most part are told from Harry’s point of view (although written in third person) with exceptions in chapters such as the first chapter in the Goblet of Fire, and first chapter in the Half Blood Prince. Therefore, every time the word “Ginny” is mentioned reflects the number of times Harry acknowledges Ginny’s presence in the situation/setting. The number of times Ginny’s name appears can also relate to the strength of her association (or friendship) with Harry, which in my belief is vital in the understanding of Harry and Ginny’s relationship development. 

Limitations of the measurement that should be considered before we discuss the results: (1) since I’m using the number of PAGES that Ginny is mentioned, this number could be different from book to book depending on year of printing, size of the book, size of the font, etc, (2) “Ms. Weasley” or “Ron’s sister” and similar references were not counted, and (3) I used pages because I thought using the number of times Ginny’s name appeared was influenced by dialogue/relevance to the scene. Obviously Ginny’s name will appear more in scenes that she is the focal point of (aka Chamber of Secrets) which is hard to compare with in books where she is not the focal point (like in Prisoner of Azkaban). I hoped by standardizing the number to the number of pages, we’d get a more comparable number that we can use to analyze between book to book.

Results

The following graphic shows the results:

So, was my hypothesis supported? It’s hard to tell. 

Ginny Weasley was mentioned on three pages in the first book which makes sense; they hadn’t met, and she was only seen on platform 9 3/4 in the beginning and the end of the book.

In the Chamber of Secrets, she was the focal point of the climax of the story so obviously she would appear in more pages. Interestingly enough, “Ginny” was mentioned on 25 pages before she was taken to the Chamber at the end of the book.

Prisoner of Azkaban and Goblet of Fire makes sense because she was not an intricate part of the plots of those books. She is also in the year below Harry so she was not in class with him and therefore is not in many settings where she would just be off-handedly mentioned as being present.

The Order of the Phoenix is the surprising finding. Her name was present on more pages in the fifth book than it was in the actual book where Harry confesses his infatuation for her. This is the portion that really throws the wrench in my hypothesis. However, after thinking about it more, it makes sense, and here’s why. Have you ever watched tv and noticed that the same commercial is on at every commercial break? This is purposeful because of the repetitive exposure effect; the more you see something, the more likely you are to be inclined to purchase that item. There’s a similar effect in infatuation research; the more positive experiences you have with a person, the more you are likely to develop positive feelings for that person (either friendship-related or romance-related feelings). Therefore, it makes sense that Harry would develop some sort of relationship with Ginny when she’s present in his life that many times in a year (127 times). Is it positive? For the most part, his experiences with Ginny in the fifth book are positive in that his experiences with her, even if they are negative in nature like in the Ministry, they are not negative between Ginny and Harry. 

Now why is she mentioned fewer times in the sixth book? After re-scanning through the book, there are many more scenes in which Harry is looking at Voldemort’s memories with Dumbledore which take up a lot of the book. That makes sense, of course, because that is the main point of the book. Ginny is still mentioned on 1/6 of the pages in the sixth book. While in the Order of the Phoenix, Ginny is mentioned on 1/8 of the pages in the book (it’s 200 pages longer than the Half Blood Prince).

Now, in terms of plot, what would dictate the reason behind why there is such a spike in Ginny’s presence during the fifth book? How about this:

“Hermione told me to get on with life, maybe go out with some other people, relax a bit around you, because I never used to be able to talk if you were in the room, remember? And she thought you might take a bit more notice if I was a bit more--myself.” (Pg 647 in Half Blood Prince)

Although never explicitly stated, it can be inferred that this conversation happened in the summer before Order of the Phoenix when Hermione and Ginny were rooming together at 12 Grimmauld Place. After that, Ginny made the effort to relax a bit more and show Harry that she has relaxed more around him. This means that she would have more positive, comfortable experiences with Harry which Harry might take more notice in. 

In addition, it’s important to note that there are a lot of moments that are left out of the books. Obviously, JK Rowling wouldn’t include every single day of the school year; that would make the books incredibly long and cause the books to lose their focus. This means that moments like the exploding snaps game Harry and Ginny had together after the chamber which we learned about in Cursed Child, or the enjoyable afternoons in the sixth book, were not present to include in these results. Also, more mundane events where interactions between these characters could have occurred, such as daily meals where nothing of importance to the plot happens, were also left out because how many times do you really want to read about Harry’s breakfast habits? These events could also show how many more occurrences Harry and Ginny had together and would change how these results appear.

In conclusion, Harry and Ginny’s relationship development makes sense when viewing it from a social psychology stance. Their relationship did not occur out of nowhere, in fact it makes sense that their relationship would develop in the way that it did when analyzing the number of events Harry and Ginny experience together pre-infatuation. In other words, his infatuation developed because of how much time he spent with Ginny in his fifth year. This of course does not even touch on the attractive qualities within each of them that make them compatible in the first place.

Continue arguing all you like about the development of Harry and Ginny’s relationship, but to me, it was done realistically and with common sense when it comes to driving the main plot of the story. I’m logging off and will not discuss this anymore. (I know I didn’t cite the social psychology studies but it’s tumblr and I really don’t feel like doing that right now)

[bexterbex]

A Soul to Mend His Own | Ch. 59

Warning, PLEASE CHECK TAGS IF YOU SEE SOMETHING YOU DON’T WANT TO READ THEN DON’T READ. Tag lists are closed

Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Will tag as I go along, Will update tags, Slow Burn, Influenced by Star Trek and other Sci-Fi themes, References to We Happy Few, Tons of References and quotes to George Orwells 1984 see if you can find them all, The First Order is the new Big Brother,  but who is really surprised, Blatant Nazi Symbolism, Interrogation Themes, Eventual Smut, Eventual Romance, Really just drawn out Slow Burn, Don’t repost without permission, Torture themes, Suggestive Themes, Execution themes, Disturbing Themes, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Controlling Kylo Ren, Physical Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, Possessive Kylo Ren, A character shamelessly based on Zelda

A Kylo Ren x Modern! Reader in a soulmate au with canon divergence. —————————————SLOWBURN————————————–

He is already the Supreme leader, searching the universe to find you, his Empress. Your name on his wrist has been the only constant in his life, while you have doubts about his existence and his acceptance of you. He isn’t in the database and why did the name Kylo Ren cover Ben Solo?

MASTERLIST

Chapter 59: Dreams

You looked at her face. She was beautiful with her angular features and smooth skin. Her heart-shaped face gave way to her large brown eyes. Her skin was peppered with freckles, and her high brows framed her face. She was rather breathtaking to look at, goddess-like, but something in your gut told you not to trust her.

She had been the woman who kept appearing before your target during your target practice, one that you were glad to shoot. Shot right through her heart. You could hear her now.

“You’re making him more into a monster.”

Her words confused you. Was she talking about Kylo?

“He’s killing him, you know? He’s killing Ben.”

How did she know that? How did she know who Ben was, who Kylo was?

“He needs to come home, and you need to let him go. He is turning into a monster, but I can save him. You need to let him go.”

Thoughts swirled around in your brain trying to figure out who she was. She obviously wasn’t his mother, no she was too young. He hadn’t mentioned a sister. Or any childhood friend of any significance. You struggled to figure out who she was until it hit you. She must be her. Rey the scavenger.

You opened your mouth, but no words came out.

“You need to let him go. I won’t let you turn him into a monster,” her voice was bitter.

You tried to speak again, but nothing.

“I can fix him, but you need to let him go. Ben needs to come home.”

You were yelling when your voice finally broke through, “He isn’t yours he’s mine! He’s always been mine!” You flung your wrist at her, “I can fix him if I want to. You need to leave him alone, he isn’t yours. Anyway, what would he want with a scavenger?”

You saw her resolve flicker at the mention of her position. Anger and sadness. She glanced at your wrist, and her nostrils flared.

“That doesn’t mean anything you know,” she pointed to your wrist.

“If it doesn’t mean anything, then why has he searched the galaxy for me? If it doesn’t mean anything then why isn’t he with you? It means something. It means something to him and there is nothing you can say or do about it that will change his mind.” You could see by the way her facade flickered that what you were saying was true. Even if she didn’t want to believe it.

“His mother wants him home.” That was all she could say.

“Is this the same woman who has been contacting me in my dreams? Been affecting me so? Causing a rift between me and him. I’ve seen some of his memories. Her abandoning him. Why would he go back? Especially when you call him a monster?”

You could see the horror on her face, you knew what you were saying was true, even though when it left your lips you weren’t sure. Her reaction cemented the truth.

“You both call him by the name he wishes to forget. The name that he says isn’t strong enough. What did you do so wrong that made him want to kill Ben? Why isn’t Ben strong enough?”

The look on her face said it all.

“You don’t have an answer. Well, I do. If you come near him, I will kill you even if it kills me. You, his mother, his father, and Skywalker have harmed him enough. You have killed Ben, he is just putting him out of his misery. You can’t have him, he is mine.” You were seeing red as you bared your teeth to her. Who does she think she is, trying to take him from you?

Before you could say anything more, there was a pressure behind your ear. And then you felt someone climb over you. You opened your eyes to be greeted by Kylo’s creamy neck.

He released his hold on the back of your ear. You glanced down at the rest of him, which was still naked. “Good morning, Kitten,” he said as he pushed his bare pelvis into yours. His hands now trapping your arms to either side of your head.

Your dream temporarily is forgotten as you had nirvana pinning you down. “Do you want to join me at training this morning,” his groin tantalizingly grinding into you. His lips then attacked your neck, not relenting until you answered.

“No, you can play with your knights all by yourself,” you teased.

He narrowed his eyes at you as he released his hold on your arms. He propped himself up on his elbows and dropped his head as he started to kiss down your chest, “Mmm what if I want to play with you Kitten?”

He continued to kiss as he reached the crevice of breasts, his nose tucked between them perfectly as he pushed your neckline down so he could kiss the bare skin hidden there. You took your free hands and grabbed his hair and brought his head up out of your chest. His face scrunched in disappointment before you nose kissed. “No, you have got work you have to do.”

You rolled your hips up into his, his hands came to hold your hips. You could feel the problem that was arising because of your teasing. You just smirked at his frustrated groan. You kissed him before you pushed him off and got up. You smoothed down your nightgown and just looked at him with a smirk before you headed to the dressing room. Before the door shut to your little sanctuary you heard the bathroom door shut. Problem solved, you thought.

You weren’t in the room more than two minutes before Adlez and Olivia-Rose walked in.

“I hear the shower running before his morning workout. Is there something you would like to share,” asked Adlez as she jokingly batted her eyes at you.

Both you and Olivia-Rose giggled at her antics. “Maybe, you know how a week ago, Kylo was cheeky about using the shower before bed?”

Adlez’s face broke out into a smirk, a hint of mischief in her eyes. “Praise the Supreme Leader. Did he climb into bed without any clothes on like a naughty boy?”

The last part caught you off guard, “Adlez!” You gawked at her, shocked at her choice of words.

She shook her head at you, “You have so many things to learn, m’lady.”

While you were surprised Olivia-Rose acted as if this was a normal occurrence, and it might be seeing as they were around each other much more than around you.

“Don’t worry m’lady I have no interest in taking the Supreme Leader from you, however, his knights are a completely different story.”

You smirked at her. “Even Cardo?”

“I could make him be a good obedient boy in no time.” She whacked one of your combs in her palm. A glint in her eyes told you she wasn’t kidding.

“Well, when I first met them Kylo said they were all single so go for it. General Hux also mentioned that my influence on them might teach them some manners, but I believe you might be able to do that more effectively.”

The smirk widened as she winked at you through the mirror. She put your hair into a more elaborate style than normal.

“Today is your first official day as First Lady. Are you excited,” asked Olivia-Rose. She was the quieter of the two but she brought a nice balance to your group.

You sat stunned for a moment. Between Kylo’s flirting and your dream, you had forgotten that today was your first day on the job so to speak. “Is it? Wait, what time is it?” You tried to crane your head around to look at the clock but Adlez grabbed your head and straightened it forward.  

“Earlier than you are used to. We are here a whole two hours early. As we will be every day from now on. No more sleeping in. You shall get up when the Supreme Leader does. You shall be prepped during his training, and you will eat breakfast together from now on. After that, you shall do your duties in the morning, shall take lunch meetings and after lunch, you shall have your lessons as normal until you are finished with them,” said Adlez firmly. The look on her face said that she was prepping you for war.

Once Olivia-Rose was done with your makeup Adlez moved you to the armoire, “From now on if you are expected to have meetings in the morning or during lunch you shall have to wear a dress. No compromising. You must look your best.” She then started to put you in your dress of the day.

“Now let me look at your nails, we can’t have you looking any less than perfect on your first day,” said Adlez. Apparently, they were up to inspection as looked over them. “Your daily maintenance will be a much bigger ordeal. While technically the Supreme Leader is the face of the First Order, you are much more. He hides his face behind a mask, but yours is open for anyone to see. So it must be as perfect as we can get it.”

You had never thought of it that way. Kylo got to hide behind his mask and his black armor. You were exposed for the galaxy to see. You had no mask to hide behind. You were vulnerable at that moment with them, Adlez seemed to take notice.

“Do not worry m’lady, I will be the second to slash anyone’s throat who dares to criticize you, the first being the Dark Lord himself.”

Her declaration reassured you for a moment. You knew there would be many more struggles ahead of you as the First Lady, but you knew people had your back for the most part, even if you would have to face some battles yourself.

You stepped out of the dressing room, hearing the shower turn off in the bathroom as you waited for a few moments before entering the dining room. The lieutenant was already in his usual seat as you sat down. You told him good morning as a fully dressed Kylo entered the room.

He stopped to give you a kiss before he took his seat next to you at the head of the table. Olivia-Rose and Adlez then filed in. You and Kylo took your breakfast together as the others quietly mingled.

“Would you like to go over today’s schedule m’lady,” asked Lieutenant Mitaka.

“Yes, please,” you answered simply. Used to the monotony of it all.

“You have your meeting with the Supreme Leader and Allegiant General this morning to go over your role. After that, you will be joining them and members of the High Command for a lunch meeting. To which afterward you then have your lesson with the Allegiant General and then dinner with the Supreme Leader.”

Today was practically a whole day with General Hux and a whole day with Kylo. You bit your lip as memories of your dream came back to you. You wondered when you should bring it up to him or if he already knew. After all, he could see into your mind when he wanted to, right? Your mind was no longer just yours to inhabit. He was there too somewhere.

His eyes flickered to you as if he knew that you were thinking about him.

‘What is it, Kitten?’

So he hadn’t been in your mind just now?

‘No.’

Are you only here when you want to be?

‘Yes, unless you would like me here all the time? Because that can be arranged.’

The image of the woman flickered in your brain, asking who she was.

His face scrunched up in confusion and anger. You started to replay the dream, and his eyes began searching your face for something.

‘She cannot harm you, I will not allow it. I will stop her from entering your dreams.’

It was your turn to search his face. You could see the frustration and anger there, and the tiny bits of worry that clung around the edges. He said he would protect you. That he would keep her away from you. And you believed him.

You closed your eyes as you sent more of your dreams to him. This time he spoke out loud but not to you, “Out,” he commanded the others. You opened your eyes to the order.  

They were confused, but they obeyed the order. You could see the worry on all of their faces.

Kylo brought his hand to the side of your face, “Show me,” he whispered.

You closed your eyes once more as you drew the dreams from your memories. When you got to the one with the man, woman, and child his breath hitched. You could feel the hold on your mind waver for a moment. You opened your eyes for a split second and you saw a tear fall down his cheek. His eyes were closed.

You closed your eyes again, showing him the desert planted dream. Showing him and her, and how it hurt your heart. “That is a lie,” you heard him say out loud.

“She believes it will be true,” you said back. Your heart aching for him.

“I know, but it won’t be. Not when I am so close to killing him.” You could feel the grief crash in waves off of him. Your breaths syncing together.

You then showed him the dream on the grass planet. The one where it was just you and him, you always waking up before you could fully reach him. The one where your dream would end with you waking up to him. The waves of grief calmed, as you showed your memories of you waking up to him.

Kylo then pulls you into his lap, burying his face into the crook of your neck as you pet his hair to comfort him. After a few minutes of just holding you, you say, “There is just one more.”

You then show him the dream of you on a throne with the large black dog with the scar. The one with the long black shaggy hair and the chain around its neck.

Kylo kissed the crook of your neck and then said, “That will be us one day. You on the throne, me being the dog that worships at your feet. Your protector.”

You took his face in your hands, looking him in the eyes, “But I don’t want that. I just want you and me together and happy. I don’t need anything more.”

He pushed forward and kissed you, leaning his forehead against yours, “But you deserve the galaxy. And I will give it to you.” Another kiss graced your lips. This one held on for moments. Eventually, his hands came to rest on your hips as he said, “We have to meet with Hux. It is one step closer to you becoming an empress, Kitten. So we best get to it.”

You slid off his lap and moved so he could stand. You could still feel his hold on your mind as you left the dining room and headed upstairs to your meeting. You wondered how long he would stay in there, holding the most intimate part of you. Part of you didn’t want to find out.  

[kylorensdestroyingthings]

Sunshine | Reylo

ao3 link

a/n: I really love AU reylo sue me okay? requests are open!!

warnings: fluff, BAND AU, Soulmate AU

Rey sat in the middle of her physics lecture, listening to her professor drone on and on about a topic she'd learned in high school. Beside her, Rose was scribbling words onto her arm. After each word she'd wait a moment until more appeared on her opposite arm. It was her soulmate. Rey rolled her eyes at the girl as she giggled silently at something Finn had said. They'd been writing each other since they first turned 18. Rose and Finn were madly in love and it made Rey want to barf, just the thought of it made her gag. Sure she was happy that her best friend was in love, but the thought of writing endless love notes on her body never appealed to her.

Typically, when people turned 18 the first thing they did was write on their skin- to see if they'd get a response. Just about everyone had a soulmate, but there were the few rare occasions that someone was born without their other half designated by the stars. Rey never wrote on her skin because everyone left her. She didn't want to be reliant on someone's handwriting. She wanted to be her. Luckily, she never got some type of declaration of love and she was fine with that. Nobody could leave her if they didn't reach out. That was her philosophy in life.

She'd always been very careful not to write anything on her skin, for fear of a response. Anytime she accidentally got marker on her hands called for an immediate trip to the bathroom to scrub the ink from her skin. As soon as the lecture ended, Rose and Rey walked to the local coffee shop on campus, their daily routine in order to study. Rose claimed them a spot in a booth away from the door while Rey went to stand in line to order their coffee and tea.

___

Kylo Ren was about to lose his mind, or commit a felony. It was only the second week of the First Order tour for his band Knights of Ren, and he was contemplating if it would be worth looking for another bassist if Hux didn't just shut the fuck up. Seriously, the pale red head was way too loud on their cramped tour bus. Phasma gave him a glare before shaking her head. "It's not worth it." She had told him. "It might be if it gets us some peace and quiet." He grumbled throwing one of Hux's own drumsticks at his head. The red head grumbled. "I fear for whoever has you as their soulmate." Hux scoffed rubbing the back of his head tenderly. "And I mourn for Phasma, considering her's will be dead in a matter of seconds." Kylo snapped angrily. Hux knew soulmate's where a tough topic with Kylo, yet he brought them up at every single god damn opportunity he had.

Kylo didn't mind not having a soulmate. Well, he didn't know if he did, they never reached out and he had no desire to himself. He just tended to assume that he didn't have one. His parents were soulmates, but they seemed to be pretty bad parents. His nights as a child were spent listening to his parents fight thinking he couldn't hear them. Maybe they were in love before him, that was a good bet but growing up they seemed to hate each other.

"Ha, yeah right Ren." Hux said throwing a marker at Kylo. Catching it, he looked around for a piece of paper. Once he couldn't find it he decided his skin worked best, somewhat forgetting that it wouldn't just appear on his own. "Yeah, look it's on my to do list." Kylo said showing his wrist.

To Do

1. Murder Hux

___

Rey returned with her tea and Rose's coffee. She handed the cup to Rose whose eyes suddenly widened.

"Uh Rey, have you talked to your soulmate lately?" Rose asked cautiously, knowing the subject was touchy for the young adult.

"Jesus Rose, you know I've never spoken to them in my life and have no desire to." Rey said with a scoff sitting down in the booth directly parallel to her. "Well, um you might wanna look at your wrist?" Rose squeaked and Rey's eyes snapped to her wrist where a simple to do list was written out.

1. Murder Hux

"Oh my god." Rey said almost spitting her tea out. "I didn't write that"

"Yeah no shit! What kind of name is Hux!" Rose almost yelled. "You gotta write back man."

"Hand me a marker." Rey said shocking herself. All of this defiance of not writing her soulmate and for what? To give that up the moment they wrote her? Rose quickly scrambled for the pen she used to write Finn all the time. Once in her hands, Rey wrote out a simple question. "God, I hope they're not a psychopath."

Does this mean I'm an accessory to murder?

Rey waited a moment, her heart rate had accelerated. She'd never done this before. It was a foreign feeling like no other. Talking to her soulmate. The thought even felt weird, nonetheless when the words appeared on her skin this time, she felt a tingle. Maybe it was because she was consciously focusing on the words, who knows.

So you do exist came the mysterious reply. Rey laughed rolling her eyes as she scribbled on her arm again. Maybe she could understand the appeal to it now.

You never answered my question. Rey replied, dodging how her soulmate knew of her negligence to reach out. But technically the blame could go two ways.

No, I'm just threatening my Bandmate. He's annoying.

Rey let out a hearty laugh, as if that made sense. Rose watched on in awe, still completely shocked at what was happening.

___

Kylo was surprised when a response showed up, he'd completely forgot about the chances that someone out there was made specifically for him. He felt like he didn't deserve a soulmate. The fates decided otherwise. Maybe he was worthy of someone.

You're in a band? They asked and he felt the tips of his ears growing red. What if this person was an obsessed super fan? He felt narcissistic even thinking that, but it wasn't rare that people drew the same words on their arms thinking he'd be stupid enough to believe them. He hesitated answering, almost scared it would be someone who knew him.

We're actually on tour currently he wrote. Plenty of bands were on tour, surely whoever they were wouldn't single his out.

Anything I might know? The words appeared on his skin. Surely whoever it was had to know who they were. They'd been on every radio station, youtube interview, and all over social media. They blew up pretty much overnight, and went from playing in small venues barely selling tickets to sold out concerts at arena's.

It's an Emo/Alternative band, nothing too special. His arm was covered in writing at this point, he was receiving strange glances from Phasma who, thankfully had managed to keep Hux quiet.

My roommate is super into that stuff, always dragging me to shows with her whenever they come to town.

"Let's go pretty boy, rehearsal in 10." Hux said calling to him. He hadn't even realized when the bus stopped moving.

"Be right there." Kylo said looking back down at his arm. Hux only scoffed and walked away from the scene, as if he hadn't been this enamored the first time him and Phasma made contact in high school.

Sorry to cut this short, but I have rehearsal he wrote apologetically. He genuinely did want to stay here and talk to the stranger all night if he could. And I have a show tonight

Oh no worries, I have an exam to study for. Break a leg :) For the first time in ages, a genuine smile crossed Kylo's face. That was a rare occurrence, and a complete stranger managed to make it happen.

Thanks :)

___ The two chatted over the next two months, growing closer. He told her about concerts, groupie's, and of course Hux and his never ending mission of annoying Kylo. She told him about her exams, her classes, how much she worked because she was stressed about money. He always offered to help her, but every time she declined, telling him that she needed to work for it herself.

He admired her for that, but let her know that if she ever needed help, he'd find a way. She still didn't know the name of his band, and he didn't mind that. She knew him as Ben. Something to differ her from the rest of crazy fans. As he was thinking about her, he felt the familiar tingle on his skin.

Today's been absolutely horrible. He frowned at that. Every once and while, she had bad days but his were more common. Knowing she felt bad made him want to destroy whoever made her feel that way.

What happened sunshine? He asked her awaiting the response. Slowly each word showed up, and when the ink smudged almost like someone was wiping it away in certain places he could tell she was crying, it smeared the ink.

I went to turn in my paper, only my computer crashed and i lost everything so I wrote a horrible paper just to meet the deadline, and then someone stole my wallet at the coffee shop so I have to get a new card and then a bird pooped on my backpack, and it's just not a great day.

Hey don't cry sunshine. He wrote the words down quickly, his heart physically aching at the thought of her crying. Kylo wanted to hold her and never let go. Unfortunately, being soulmates didn't mean you could find one another physically quickly. Another thing was that any attempt at getting a phone number or basically anything other than a first name was off limits. It just meant, there was someone out there made especially for you. Everything is going to be okay, you're strong, your paper is amazing, and you can wash your backpack.

I wish you were here love Kylo's heart fluttered at the words.

Me too, sunshine He wanted more than anything to be there. To finally know what the girl he loved looked like. To hold her in his arms, and keep her to himself. Enough about the bad, what's good that's happening soon for you?

They did this a lot when one of them had a bad day. It tended to help and get their minds off of whatever was feeling wrong to them. Typically, Rey was always the happy one who was making Kylo feel better.

Rose is dragging me to a concert this weekend that she won tickets for, I don't know who but they're always fun. He smiled at that. For some reason, Rey was always letting her roommate drag her everywhere but she always had fun doing whatever Rose's plan was for the week. He was thankful for the girl because from what he could tell, Rose always looked after Rey well.

That will be fun, try not to fall for any of the band members ;) He laughed at his own joke, startling Phasma.

"Talking to your girl again?" She asked looking up from her book. "Yeah," Kylo said smiling. "I want to write a new song, for our next show."

"About her?" Phasma said cocking a blonde eyebrow. "Fan's will certainly love that."

"They all know they never had a chance anyways." Kylo said rolling his eyes.

"Tell them that." She spoke flipping a page in her book. "But I like the idea."

___

That Saturday night, Rey stood in front of her mirror looking over her outfit with uncertainty. The green overall dress and black shirt she wore under it were out of her comfort zone, but she knew she didn't want to stick out like a sore thumb if she wore something else. She borrowed some of Rose's boots that were always for these concerts they went to. They were hard would prevent her feet from getting smashed when they were at the barricade.

She tucked a pen into her pocket, just in case,  she had told herself. That was a lie, she always wanted to talk to Ben. Suddenly she felt the familiar tingle, looking down at her wrists Ben's handwriting appeared.

Be safe tonight sunshine <3.

Always am love <3.

___

The crowd for Knights of Ren was dense. Their first album had been what got them on to the top 100 charts. Rose made Rey listen to them on the ride over, and Rey completely understood why. The lead singers voice was one of an absolute angel. The bassist was pretty amazing too. Somehow, they'd manage to get tickets about 3 rows away from the right side of the stage.

Rose squealed from beside her. "Dude this is going to be so amazing!"

Suddenly the lights went down, suggesting the concert was about to begin. Kylo Ren was absolutely gorgeous and she could tell he loved being on stage. After playing through the entire album Kylo spoke into the mic for a little bit.

"Okay, so I actually have a surprise for you guys here." He spoke, his deep voice traveling through the arena. "We're playing a new song, one I wrote very recently, for someone very special. This is Sunshine."

He nodded at Phasma who began to strum the first couple cords. Rey listened to the song carefully. It was really beautiful, and one of the best songs she'd ever heard of.

The words appeared on my skin

you said baby i've had a bad day

and I told you

Sunshine don't cry

I'm only a couple thousand miles away,

and love, you wish I was there

but I'm right here in your heart

always there to chase the rain away.

Sunshine, don't cry.

Rey's eyes widened. Remembering the conversation she had with Ben meerly days ago. One of the first things he told her was that he was in an alternative band. She scrambled for her pen in her pocket looking at Kylo with certainty before writing on her arm.

I'm right here

____

As he finished the first chorus, he felt the tingle. Subtly, he looked down towards his wrist where the words appeared. Frantically, he looked up searching the crowd, his leather gloves with the fingers cut off clutching the mic tightly.

____

She noticed his eyes searching the crowd as soon as he looked at his wrist. The same one she had wrote on. His eyes screamed one question Where? Quickly, she wrote down her location within the crowd.

My right, third row.

Despite there being thousands of people in that arena and the crying girls throughout the entire row her and Rose were in, she locked eyes with Kylo, well to her he was Ben, immediately. His eyes widened, almost in disbelief before he hopped off the stage, walking straight towards the barricade. Rey found herself pushing through the crowd of screaming girls to reach for him, Rose following hesitantly behind her. When they finally were face to face, he let the last line of the song fade away before speaking quietly, away from the mic.

"Sunshine" He spoke, making her heart burst into flames. For the past two months, she'd been imagining his voice saying his name for her. Finally, here they were. Staring at each other face-to-face in a crowd of thousands of people.

"Ben." She whispered and he put a large hand to her face cradling her cheek.

"It's you."

"Yeah, it's me love." With those words she kissed him deeply and lovingly. His arm came to the small of her back, holding her against the barricade as close as he could get her. Her hands held the back of his neck softly, but hungrily. He was finally in her arms and she never wanted to let go. Suddenly, the sound of fans screaming excitedly broke them from each others trance.

He turned to Rose quickly. "I owe you so much for bringing her here. Anything you want."

"Name your firstborn after me." Rose said in her typical fashion but also getting over the shock of what was happening.

"Sure, anything." Ben said before looking back to the crowd awaiting him. "I'm bringing you backstage, wait for me to finish?"

"Of course." Rey spoke grabbing his hand gently. Ben nodded towards security and then towards Rey before lifting her over the barricade and pressing his lips firmly against hers once more.

"I'll see you soon, Sunshine."

[passable-talent]

Could I get some B, X, O, and Y fluff alphabet for my favorite gym leader, Miss Nessa of Galar?

—

absolutely, anon! tidal wave of nessa fluff is on the way! ლ(╹◡╹ლ) 

- mod ren 🦇 

—

edit: IF YOU ARE HERE, YOU SHOULD BE FOLLOWING @cosmicali-teaa​ AS THAT IS THE ACCOUNT THAT THIS AUTHOR IS NOW ACTIVE ON

Nessa; B, O, X & Y (Fluff Alphabet)

Beauty: What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

You know that saying that eyes are the window to the soul, and the expressors of true emotion?

Nessa absolutely loves looking into your eyes. 

They bring her comfort when she’s feeling stressed, and they provide her with reassurance and love; all with a single glance.

All she has to do is seek your gaze out from across the room to feel serene (even though being with you is much better, but that’s beyond the point). 

She finds them to be extremely beautiful too, especially in the light.. Or in the way they sparkle with joy whenever she showers you with affection, or the way they light up whenever you see her. She just can’t get enough of it.

Tying in with this, she’s pretty adept at reading your emotion- It’s a little talent of hers to be able to tell when you’re upset or not.

Just like you’re able to calm any of her worries with your reassurance so easily. 

These facts aside, she’s absolutely enamored by you- everything about you is amazing in her eyes. 

She loves running her fingers through your hair, she loves your smile, your laugh, every little quirk of your personality, all the time you spend together at every opportunity, the way you greet her after a long day..

This list could probably continue into the abyss and beyond- She may not seem like it due to the calm and even somewhat stern demeanor she possesses in day-to-day life, but Nessa is quite the romantic at given opportunities; she could very quickly list why she loves everything about you.

As a whole, she admires you; and it’s much too complex and deep to be expressed through the love of a few qualities alone. 

—

On Cloud Nine: What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

The changes in Nessa when she’s fallen in love are difficult to detect to an untrained eye, due to how casual they appear to be and especially how subtle they are in their beginnings.

Thanks to her demeanor and ability to keep her composure, Nessa is actually pretty good at acting normally around the one she’s pining after.

However, no one can escape certain telltale signs, and Nessa is no exception.

When she is around you, she displays very subtle physical signs; like the faintest of blushes, giving you her utmost attention, and maybe even getting a little more touchy with you than normal (nudging your arm to get you to look at something, hugging you, etc).

She may also accidentally lose her train of thought around you and appear distracted on occasion. 

She isn’t one to stutter her speech directly, but she may struggle a bit with trailing off and restarting her sentences, as well- but (thankfully, she thinks) these events are a bit few-and-far between.

Nessa has a little habit of giving little gifts and trinkets to those close to her; her modeling career in addition to her position as Gym Leader gives her a bit of wiggle room as far as spending is concerned.

This habit also carries over into her endearment, as it’s one of her primary means of showing affection- the volume of gifts you get and the frequency in which it occurs will both increase a bit, and that’s a quality that may still be noticeable to those who are paying attention…

She may also gift you hand-made items (she likes making carvings!) rather than bought ones. These are special occurrences and will also increase in frequency as the two of you grow closer.

She also actively works on picking up your likes and dislikes, and this will also factor in to the types of gifts you get from her.

Nessa is pretty direct by disposition; If her feelings become obvious to others, or even to you, she isn’t going to attempt to hide it if she’s called out or asked about it. She’ll most likely own up to it, turn right around and confess to you on the spot. 

No questions asked, no hesitation (despite the fact that she’d likely be now-red in the face and fighting internal fear), just forward honesty towards you.

Honesty is key for her, and she will be honest in spilling exactly how she feels to you. 

Even if she isn’t confronted or asked about it first, she still may be first to initiate if enough time is given- Coming to terms with her own feelings and acknowledging them is the first step in that process, and that’s a step that doesn’t take her too long to take.

—

XOXO: Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

In public, Nessa is on a calmer side of the PDA spectrum, and yet at the same time she has nothing to hide- hand holding, hugs, and small little kisses are all in the realm of possibility.

Her fingers interlocked with yours are the most common sight in public, though; The other two are little bit less-occurring. 

Behind closed doors, however, Nessa becomes a lot more affectionate and this is pretty evident in her behavior alone.

She’s a cuddler, all the way. Cuddling up with you and watching a movie or cuddling with you at her favorite lighthouse spot by the ocean are among her favorite things to do.

She has a habit of absentmindedly stroking your hair and she’ll do this a lot- Most of the time she isn’t even aware she’s doing it.

But it’s one of the many things that bring her comfort and calm.

She’s prone to feeling the need to give you extra attention as well, due to all the time she spends away from home on a day-to-day basis.

Another way she expresses affection is through her cooking- Seafood is her shining area of expertise from living in a coastal town and having a family of ocean-lovers, so if you like seafood you’re in luck. As for everything else, uh… she tries her best, right? (Thankfully she’s a quick learner. If you’re good at cooking, she’d love to learn from you..)

She still retains her affectionate streak around her family members, and she loves seeing them with you. This also applies to the other Gym Leaders and close friends.

She will spontaneously choose random times throughout your time together… and in these random times, you will get absolutely peppered in kisses.

You know, just a reminder of how much she loves you!

Quality time and physical touch are Nessa’s primary love languages- Ultimately she loves simply being in the same space as you when you both have free time, let alone being able to cuddle with you.

She loves to take you swimming as a way to spend quality time, too.

If you don’t know how to swim, congratulations! You have a new teacher now! She’ll always make sure you’re safe/doing okay in the water, too.

—

Yearning: How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Nessa is of course very understanding while you’re busy and/or away for something.

After all, she’s absolutely prone to the same thing and it happens quite a bit due to dual-occupations.

But that doesn’t mean she’s not prone to missing you!

Because she absolutely is, and she does quite a lot, even when she’s busy herself!

However, she tries not to get hung up on it too much. It’s a fact of busy life and it happens to everyone, too, at one point or another.

You can definitely expect a few affectionate texts heading your way, though; Ones supporting you in whatever you’re doing, ones telling you how much you mean to her, and ones stating she’s missing you and that she’s excited to see you next!

Collaborative planning your activities for when you see each other next are also pretty likely.

And she always has her Pokémon to spend time with in the meantime, too.

The fluctuating levels of ‘busy’ in her own life make missing you more bearable- sometimes her own daily stresses are enough to keep her mind off of literally everything…

And she’s perfectly content with texting and even just sending you texts, or even voice calls should opportunities for that come up. They’re satisfying in their own right.

And she’ll always try to answer your texts as often as she can, too.

And despite the fact that the wait can get pretty saddening sometimes, it just makes the next time she’s able to see you all the better!

Because no text can compare to actually hearing the sound of your voice and seeing you smile.

- mod ren 🦇

[peterjakes]

Sam x Grizz Fanfic - ‘Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth’

Third part and possible last of ‘The sun is but a morning star’ series - grizz meets eden and its cute x

also posted of ao3; https://archiveofourown.org/works/21281282

It had been a week since Eden was born and she was thriving. Being constantly showered in affection but not only her extremely tired parents; but her extended family which included Kelly, Gordie, and Bean. Little did she know the biggest disaster of the small world of New Ham she had been born into. Things still hadn’t mellowed down; even with many trying to figure out what they were going to do to try to fix the mess they’d been landed in. This was something that was extremely worrying for Grizz. He hadn’t seen Sam since they reunited; he thought it best to give him a little bit of space, especially as he still technically had a new-born to look after. Grizz ached to see Sam but he didn’t want to disturb him or Becca. Although the tension between him and Sam had finally disappeared; he still felt as if he still couldn’t barge in on Sam and Becca. It was as if he’d ruin their little family of bliss, and that was the last thing he wanted to do.

It was his third day back since arriving from the expedition and he’d spent most of that time in his room, hiding. Anyone else who had been living in his house had already cleared out when he first arrived, which was actually a blessing. Back when Allie was in charge, as part of the guard, Grizz spent most of his time at Allie’s, rarely going home (only to change or shower). He remembered how after a few weeks of Allie being mayor, Grizz and Gordie started their own little book club, just to past the time. Soon enough Bean and Becca joined in, just to listen. Then Sam. They’d all try to least have breakfast together at least once a week, like a family ritual. Gordie made coffee, Grizz the tea, Sam the toast (even though it was burnt almost every time). They’d take about menial, mundane, meaningless things. Life before New Ham. What they were going to do after graduation, how much they all hated Mr. Cam and his dumb moustache, missing their families, the normality of their lives before. Grizz took charge of watering all the plants, whilst Bean and Becca would go around the garden picking out the prettiest flowers to decorate the house. Will changed all the light bulbs whenever they broke, even though he seemed to smash most of them. If anyone was having a rough day; Grizz would leave a small but inspiring quote on their pillow or pin it to the fridge. Daily group naps became an important part of everyone’s day. They all took care of each other. But all of that was gone now. Cassandra dead. Luke, a traitor. Allie arrested. Will arrested. Becca, a mother. Sam, a father. Bean scared. Gordie alone. Grizz alone.

These thoughts floated around Grizz’s mind whenever he wasn’t thinking about Sam. Sam’s lips. Sam’s freckles all dotted perfectly on his face. Sam’s soft, soft hair. Sam’s sparkling, vivid blue eyes. He wanted to touch him again, all of him. Even just to be in his presence, Grizz pined for him. The space between them was almost becoming too much. It was as if there were oceans between the two. Grizz was being pulled down by the weight of his need for Sam. He knew he’d have to talk to Sam again. No, not ‘have to’, he wanted to. He wanted to see that special smile, the one that seemed to make Grizz forget anytime he wasn’t with Sam.

Once again, Grizz knew he’d have to be the one to make the first move, Sam had a new-born to take care of after all. He moved along his bed, reaching for his phone which was placed on the bedside table. Before typing, he quickly scrolled through the texts he and Sam had sent each other, nothing special, nothing incriminating but every single word held so much more than it first appeared. Grizz typed out the message and hit sent before he could think otherwise, not wanting to waste a moment longer.

Grizz: Hey

He flicked off the message, not wanting to see the non-existence of the three little dots and scrolled down to his last conversation with Luke. Again, meaningless. Luke had taken Grizz’s varsity jacket by mistake when they were on duty one night and was offering to swap. Grizz’s slender fingers started to type up a message but quickly deleted those words. No real words could be sent. No real words could describe the hurt Grizz felt when he realised what Luke, his best friend, had done. Yes, he felt betrayed. Luke, who’d Grizz had known since he was 7 years old. Luke, who’d Grizz had stuck by through all of those years. Luke, who was popular with everyone, but never seemed to let it go to his head. Luke, who loved Grizz like a brother. Luke, who Grizz couldn’t tell who he truly was. Luke. This intense thought was interrupted by a slight vibration coming from Grizz’s phone, to which Grizz scrambled to pick up and dropped the phone 4 times before opening up the message.

Sam: Hey; sorry I haven’t been around much. Are you okay?

Grizz: It’s fine, I’m fine. Are you? How’s Eden?

Sam: All she does is cry and poop; like Becca 😂

Sam: I want to see you; can I see you?

Grizz: Haha, I’ll tell her you said that 😉

Grizz: Of course, you can.

Sam: Come to Becca’s house later. 6?

Grizz: I’ll see you then x

As soon as Grizz sent that kiss, he regretted him. Not completely sure why, especially as he and Sam had done far more to warranty a simple ‘x’ on a text, but still. Sam and Grizz had seemed to move so fast, something that at the time Grizz wasn’t aware of. At first, it definitely wasn’t something to complain about. But the day Grizz and the group left for the expedition, only moments after he said goodbye to Sam, that bittersweet departure, he wondered how they’d gotten to where they were.

Becca’s house was the other side of town, and unfortunately for Grizz that was a sure set for him bumping into someone he really didn’t want to see. The last time Grizz had around Becca’s, it was the first time he’d been properly alone with Sam. After meeting in the library, to his Grizz’s delight, Sam had invited him round to practise some ASL. It had only been for a few hours, but Grizz had actually learned a lot. Not just about ASL.

Upon arriving at Sam’s, Grizz contemplated knocking or just walking straight back home. His nerves had started to kick in once again, something that was becoming a regular occurrence when it came to Sam. He doubted Sam even knew what he did to him. Brushing those thoughts aside, he lightly tapped on the door, as if there was a small part of him that hoped no one could hear it. Of course, he wanted to see Sam, but it had been a few days and that meant time to think. And in his current state, thinking wasn’t particularly wise.

Only a few seconds passed before the door swung open as if Sam was eagerly waiting for the other boy. Grizz was greeted by those beautiful, blue eyes, the ones that made him feel all giddy inside. When Sam looked at him with those eyes, it was as if they were made especially for him and only him. Grizz didn’t care if he never looked at anything else.

“Hey,” Grizz quickly signed to Sam, before being pulled into a big bear hug by the smaller boy, something he’d missed in their few days apart. Sam seemed to grip tightly on Grizz’s shoulders as if he never wanted to let go. Grizz was wearing his hair in one of his tight buns; a look that made Sam go absolutely crazy.

“I missed you.” Sam looked up at Grizz, his eyes glistened with complete and utter despair, which was something Sam didn’t like to see. He hadn’t expected things to go back to how they were before; that would have been stupid. It would take some time. But all they had was time.

Grizz raised his eyebrows, “It’s been two days, Sam.”  to which Sam shrugged and led Grizz to the kitchen, which Grizz hated to say was a complete tip. The table was covered in a variety of different baby essentials; baby wipes, a breast pump, nappies. Parent life he supposed.

“You’ve been busy, huh?” Grizz said, whilst picking up a loose baby wipe, frowning at the sight of it.

Grizz didn’t know much about babies. How many 18-year olds did? Grizz had never had much to do with babies or other children. Being an only child and living away from any cousins or extended family made sure of that. Grizz liked to think he was pretty good with kids, he and Luke helped out with the junior football team sometimes and he enjoyed it. He liked to think he’d be pretty good with younger children too. But he never got the chance.

“Babies,” Sam answered and yanked the baby wipe out of Grizz’s hand, throwing it aside.

“You look tired.” Grizz signed hastily, to which Sam gave a ‘no shit’ look.

“I am exhausted. All I want to do is sleep.” Grizz chuckled at that comment, edging closer to Sam, closing the gap between the two. He wanted to touch Sam again, even if only for a moment. Skin on skin. Something. Just something.

Sam waited a moment before asking his next question, unsure whether it would be too raw still. “Do you want to meet her?” Sam couldn’t think of anything better, than seeing Eden in Grizz’s arms. That was what his dreams were made of.

“What?” This had caught Grizz off guard; something that had happened quite a lot when it came to Sam. Grizz couldn’t explain what he did to him, but he wasn’t going to deny that he enjoyed it. The natural path for this meeting to go would likely have included meeting Eden, but this thought hadn’t crossed Grizz’s mind. It wasn’t that he hadn’t thought or didn’t care about Eden, but there had been more important things for Grizz to worry about. Firstly, figuring out how the fuck everything had turned to shit so quickly. And how he could protect Sam.

“Eden. You wanna see her?” Sam cocked his head, not wanting to pressure Grizz into anything, but making it pretty clear that he would absolutely love to see it.

Not wanting to disappoint Sam, Grizz slowly nodded, trying to seem as eager as he could at that moment. “I..uh…yeah, yeah.”

“Sure? You don’t have to.” Sam knew this was still difficult for Grizz. Sure, Sam wasn’t the biological father, but he was Eden’s father and he would be for the rest of his life. He never wanted to hurt Grizz or make life hard, but he didn’t want to separate the two sides of his life. And Grizz holding Eden was something he had to see. Desperately.

“Yes, Sam. I want to see her.” Grizz signed carefully, wanting to make sure that Sam understood that he wasn’t going to be awkward. How could he? It wouldn’t be fair of him.

Sam nodded, “Okay.” And pulled Grizz towards the staircase near the back of the house, Grizz hadn’t paid much attention to the interior the last time he was here. He obviously had other things on his mind at the time, which had been on his mind ever since he’d spoken to Sam properly. But the house was quaint, relatively small and had that ‘homely’ smell Grizz could only dream of when he was growing up.

The two entered Sam and Becca’s room, which is occupied by a very exhausted sleeping Becca and gurgling Eden. Grizz stopped dead, like a deer in traffic lights when he first saw Sam pick up Eden. He looked so natural, cradling her in his arms. This image, such a perfect image, still brought some sadness to Grizz.

“She’s beautiful.” Grizz signed this, putting special emphasis on ‘beautiful’, unsure if he’d actually signed it right. He’d been practising this sign specifically after last seeing Sam. He had a feeling he would be using it more often.

“We think so too, perfect little angel apart from when she starts screeching. Loses her charm a little.” Sam whispered this, obviously not wanting to stir the small child. He moved closer to Grizz, delicately placing Eden in Grizz’s strong arms.

“Oh, she could never,” Grizz mused, looking down at Eden, giving her a small smile. She was so small, so tiny, so soft, so clean. She seemed to stop stirring as if she felt so calm in his arms. Looking down at this perfect being, Grizz couldn’t understand how anything could be bad again.

Sam gave Grizz a tired smile and motioned to take Eden back. Grizz complied, carefully handing Eden back to Sam, cradling her head as he did. “She has her eyes, Becca, don’t you think?” Sam nodded again, his eyes started to droop ever so slightly, whilst placing Eden back in her crib. He stared down at her for a few seconds, as if he was in his own little world, waiting for her to drift off once again.

“You need to sleep, Sam.” Grizz interrupted Sam’s thoughts, whatever they were, placing his hand on Sam’s right shoulder, wrapping his fingers down, slotting in perfectly with Sam’s skin. Sam brushed him off, physically and mentally, frowning. Of course, he needed sleep. Understatement of the century. But everyone needed sleep. Grizz doubted anyone slept a goodnight’s sleep the day the expedition group came back. Everyone was filled with worry. Gordie had visited Grizz after dinner that first night back, briefly filling him in on the events. That had scared Grizz. But that wasn’t the main thing. People had stopped going to the cafeteria, only a handful turned up for that night’s dinner. This just reminded Grizz of when Cassandra died; they had just managed to sort it out before it got any worse. But Grizz didn’t think they’d be so lucky this time.

“I’m serious. You look like shit.”

“Is that how you charm all your boyfriends?” Sam muses before realising what he said, quickly looking at Grizz, a worried look started to appear on his face. “I didn’t-“stuttered Sam, wondering why he ever said anything when he was around Grizz. It was like his brain didn’t work.

“Right…” Grizz couldn’t help but a chuckle a little but tried his best to keep it in, not wanting to embarrass Sam. Quickly changing the subject, Grizz interjected, “But seriously, if you don’t go to bed right now, I’m gonna have to carry you.” Now that was a threat. Grizz wasn’t even sure if that was possible. Sure, Sam wasn’t the biggest guy in the world, he was quite a few inches shorter than Grizz, but who wasn’t? From his 13, Grizz had always been the tallest in his class, that’s what made him so good at football. It was just easy. But that world seemed so far away, and nothing in his life now was easy.

Inching away from Grizz, Sam started to pick up some of Eden’s things; a baby pink blanket that had seen better days, the raggedy elephant plush that Gordie had gifted them and a single dummy. Grizz could tell Sam was doing his best to ignore him, but it became obvious that he was failing.

“Come on, sleepyhead,” Grizz said this more sternly, he was genuinely concerned about the amount of sleep Sam was getting. No one was sleeping properly, but still, Sam looked like he was about to collapse.

Sam shook his head, moving away from Grizz once again. “I need to keep an eye on Eden.” That’s all he had done for the past few days. It was the least he could do for Becca, who had carried Eden all that time, and was so damn exhausted. It wasn’t like it was a chore though, Sam relished every moment he spent with her. He never knew anything could be so precious. So precious but so loud. So, tiring.

Grizz knew this tactic; he’d himself used it before when blocking Sam out. This was one of the things he’d regretted. He never wanted that, quite the contrary actually, he wanted them to be honest with each other.

“Nope. No way. Bedtime.” Grizz only signed ‘bedtime’, placing his right hand onto his left eye, and tapped the top of his wrist, where one of his hair ties was wrapped around.

“But-“

“I’ll look after her. Least I can do.”

“You’re tired too.” Sam sighed, he didn’t want to ever put Grizz out or make him uncomfortable. Sure, Eden was adorable, and no one in their right mind could resist her. But Sam knew it was still a delicate subject and he didn’t want to force that onto Grizz. Then again, it was becoming very clear that Sam could not work with next to no sleep. And who was he to argue?

“I’ll come join you, later. When she’s settled. Deal?”  Grizz signed all of this, allowing his fingers to move swiftly and smoothly, once again unsure whether he’d done it right, there still seemed so much he needed to learn. That was something he wanted to request from Sam, but in his current state, thought it best to wait until Sam could actually stand up without his eyes drooping as if his eyes would roll out of his head.

“You. Are. So. Annoying.” Sam enunciated these words, poking Grizz’s chest with his index finger each time. He knew he’d might as well give in, Grizz didn’t seem to be wavering and Sam never wanted to fight with him again, that had been far too exhausting.

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s go, before I have to pick you up and carry you there.” Grizz started to manoeuvre Sam towards the door, giving him a slight push, to which Sam complied. If he was being completely honest, going to sleep was something he’d wondered if he’d ever experience again. He never knew babies could be so demanding. Cute, but demanding.

“Bossy.” Sam signed, placing his index finger on and off of his chin three times, almost aggressively. This quite new to Grizz, he’d only ever seen Sam sign with an almost calmness, even when he was angry, he never seemed to raise his voice. Which was something he loved about him.

“Stop winging.” Grizz scoffed just as Sam directed them to the only other bedroom in the house, which Grizz quickly realised must have been Becca’s moms’ room. The remnants of a middle-aged woman living there were still quite clear; the odd photo of Becca and her mom, a single David Bowie vinyl and a plush velvet throw sprawled across the king-sized bed. Even though Becca’s mom had likely never even been in this version of her room, Grizz felt slightly uncomfortable, as if he was invading her privacy.

Sam flopped down on his bed, star fishing across the sheets. Grizz turned to leave the room but was quickly pulled down on top of Sam. Sam let one of his hands go from Grizz’s wrist, placing it on the back of his neck, slowly caressing it. He gave him a little smirk, before crashing their lips together, almost in slow motion, like a blurred dream. This kiss was fuller, Sam seemed to have complete control, moving his tongue around Grizz’s mouth, wrapping it perfectly against the other boy’s. his hungry mouth melded into the other. Making sure he didn’t pull away, Grizz slid his body down beside Sam, holding tightly to his head. Their lips magnetised with each other; they were naturally attracting to each other like a type of force of nature. Meant to be. Sam quickly moved his hand up towards Grizz’s head, pulling out his hair tie and gripped onto a lock of hair, pulling it slowly. Moans escaped Grizz’s mouth as the kiss developed and Sam could feel his breathlessness against his own mouth. Grizz hungrily pushed back, working his mouth against Sam’s, their tongues battling with each other, trying to pin each other down. Grizz could feel the heat rising in his cheeks and removed Sam’s other hand from his wrist to feel his face. The kiss started to slow down a little, Sam’s muscles were tiring. He slowly pulled away, but placed a short, sweet kiss on Grizz’s lips before laying back down on the bed. The two boys laid there quietly, both breathing hard.

“Now, I’m tired.”

[1dfangirls35]

Voir Dire- N.H.

A fake dating OU about contracts, soulmates, and risking it all for love.

Story Masterlist // Talk to me

eleven

warnings: some language and mentions of infidelity

They say that social media is both a blessing and a curse. To Kelsey, this statement had never been more true.

With the release of his newest single, "Put A Little Love On Me", Niall had spent weeks traveling around the world, doing all sorts of promotion. Including plenty of pap shots with Krystal. At the start of the promotional run, Becca, her resident aspiring entertainment journalist, had introduced Kelsey to both the blessing and the curse of Niall Horan fan accounts. In some lapse of good judgement, Kelsey had followed such accounts on Instagram, resulting in a flood of Niall pictures daily. Although she loved to see pictures of Niall when he was out and about promoting, it was his other companion who she was less than thrilled about seeing. 

Niall had been good about preventing Kelsey from being caught off-guard. Whenever he was set to make an appearance with Krystal he gave her a heads up, letting her know exactly where and what they'd been papped doing. And he was always right, with those pictures popping up on the internet later in the day.

Kelsey had quickly learned that social media was not ideal when you were watching a guy you were see date another girl in front of the camera. She soon discovered that the best way to move past the fact that Niall lived a completely different life in person than he did with her was to simply avoid social media. If she didn't see it, she didn't have to think about all the comments saying how perfect Krystal and Niall were together. She didn't have to be reminded that she wasn't getting to walk the red carpet with him or hold his hand as he walked through crowds on the way to his hotel for the night. She could, quite honestly, pretend that Krystal didn't exist.

But today, Kelsey was particularly bored laying on the couch. She'd had a long shift at The Manhattan the night before, and she'd decided that today was just going to be a day of relaxation. Niall was coming over later this evening and until then, she had nothing to do but rewatch old Grey's Anatomy episodes.

So when she picked up her phone and the glowing purple and pink icon of the Instagram app caught her eye, calling out to her on the bright lit screen, she couldn't help but click on it. Because what harm would a little mindless social media scrolling do?

She almost didn't recognize what it was when she first scrolled past it. A blingy new ring seemed to be a weekly occurrence for at least one of her friends. But then it hit her. Like all of a sudden she'd been hit by a bus.

Kelsey looked at the ring again. It wasn't small by any means. It's exactly the one they'd admired on Pinterest boards for years in college. It's the same one they'd looked at in jewelry cases at the mall just for fun. But when they had done all those things, Kelsey never would have imagined that the giver of that ring would be him. But then again, there's a lot of things that a year ago she never would have imagined happening.

Kelsey swiped left and there he is. His smile bright and his eyes crinkled on the sides like they used to when Kelsey made him laugh. His face pushed up against hers showing off the ring in her hand. Kelsey felt sick to her stomach. A year ago, Jessica was trying to get hints from Sam as to when he was going to propose to Kelsey and now...Jessica and Sam are engaged.

Her eyes become fixated on the photo. A picture that less than a year ago likely would have consisted of her face instead of Jessica's. Staring at it felt like Kelsey was holding her hand over an open flame; but yet, she couldn't seem to bring her eyes away from it.

She thought about the night at the beginning of senior year, when Sam had walked in on her dabbing her eyes at a wedding video on Youtube. He'd laughed at her at first, wondering how she could possible be growing so tearful from watching a video of two complete strangers. But then he'd crawled into bed beside her and clicked replay and they'd watched it all over again, this time with his arms wrapped around hers and her head resting on his broad chest.

"How're you going to make it through our wedding without crying if you can't make it through this babe? You know I'm gonna write vows a million times better than those," He'd said with a grin; the one where his eyes crinkled on the sides.

They'd spent the rest of the night critiquing the weddings of complete strangers. Laughing, crying, deciding that when they got married it would be in the fall because that's when the leaves were the prettiest and the air was cool enough that Sam wouldn't sweat through his tux, and that if they were going to have to have cake at their wedding (for tradition of course) it was going to be red velvet, because that was the only kind Kelsey would eat. Kelsey had warned Sam that when he proposed it better have meaning. It had to incorporate some piece of their relationship. Something that showed the journey they'd had together. No crazy flash mobs or impromptu dance numbers allowed.

And that's what really got her: thinking about the proposal she'd always dreamed about. She hadn't thought about Sam this hard in months. She'd said she had moved on, that he meant nothing to her anymore. But her she was sitting on her couching, staring at his stupid, crinkle-eyed smile and remembering every stupid little detail of the fairytale romance they'd planned out. And that almost stung more than him cheating on her with her best friend. Almost.

The tears began to swell in Kelsey's eyes, but she tried to hold them back. The last thing either of those backstabbers deserved was a single ounce of liquid to be shed in their name. Because she was happy right? She'd moved on.

Kelsey tried to scroll, as fast as she can to get to something, anything but the picture of her ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend happily engaged. It was only bad luck that she would happen to land on a picture from one of the Niall fan accounts, but this time, instead of a charming photo of Niall it's a picture that had been manipulated into a wedding photo of Kelsey and Niall. Taunting her as if Niall is just the next man on her list to lose to someone else.

Kelsey threw her phone to the other side of the couch where it lands with a thud. She didn't want to look at it. She didn't want to think about Sam and Jessica. She didn't want to think about Niall and Krystal. Was this what her life was coming to? Always being the other woman?

So Kelsey did the only logical thing she can think of. She grabbed a bottle of cheap Moscato from its place on the top of the refrigerator and pours herself a glass. And then another. Until slowly, she started to feel numb.

*******************

Niall could tell something was wrong the second he walks into Kelsey's apartment. He spotted the empty bottle of wine before he spotted her, laying on the couch with a bag of popcorn and The Notebook playing on the TV. He knew a woman with an empty bottle and  The Notebook was almost never a good sign.

Becca cleared her throat loudly as Niall entered, gesturing for him to come towards her. He slowly crept towards her, his brain racing through trying to think of what he may have done that would have sent Kelsey into such a downward spiral.

Becca didn't say anything to Niall. Instead, she held up the same photo that Kelsey came across hours before. To Niall, it looked like just another engagement photo at first glance. But judging by the way Kelsey was laying on the couch like she just went through a bad break-up, he could put the pieces together of whose engagement this was. It had to be Sam's, the guy that broke her heart.

Niall didn't know much about Sam other than the obvious. But judging by the empty wine bottle sitting on the glass coffee table, there was a lot more to the story than Kelsey has ever let on.

"She's probably nowhere near as perfect as you," Niall said as he slides onto the couch next to her. He hoped his words would give her some consolation, a little reminder that she was far better than any girl her ex-boyfriend could be engaged to.

But Kelsey's eyes didn't fill with relief or reassurance. Instead they shifted towards the floor as words are muttered from Kelsey's mouth that Niall never saw coming. "She was my best friend."

Niall turned his head to look towards Becca for confirmation of this new revelation. Kelsey's best friend engaged to her ex-boyfriend was a more complicated story than he initially thought, and it definitely explained the messy state that she seemed to be in. But Becca has seemingly vanished, leaving Niall to pry the details from an intoxicated Kelsey all on his own.

"I..." Niall wasn't sure what to say. Should he ask for more details in hopes that maybe with more information he can provide some comfort to her that it would all be okay? Or does asking questions just bring up old wounds, wounds that in the few months that Niall had known Kelsey, she had kept hidden? Should he instead keep quiet, knowing that she would tell him in time if she wanted to?

Niall didn't have to make a decision though because shockingly, for both Niall and Kelsey, she began to speak. "They'd never really been close you know, in fact when Sam and I first started dating, Jess hated him."Once the words left Kelsey's lips she couldn't take them back. It was like the wine has opened a gateway into her inner monologue and Niall was about to hear it all, whether she wanted him to or not.

"I was hopelessly in love. The butterflies in my stomach, heads in the clouds kind of love. And I thought Sam was too. There was never a bone in my body that doubted his love for me," Kelsey said slowly, and Niall can sense the ache in her voice even with all the alcohol.

Niall didn't say anything, instead watching as Kelsey shifted her gaze from the window to her nails, bringing her fingers to pick at the edges as she began to speak. "It was a few weeks into second semester. I'd been studying non-stop for the LSAT, partially because it was two days  away and mostly because after the news of my parents divorce I needed something, anything to get my mind off of things. I'd told Sam I'd be in the library all weekend studying. But I felt guilty that we hadn't spent much time together recently. So I decided I'd surprise him. It would make both of us happy, giving me a much needed break from studying and him some extra time with me that he'd been complaining about missing out on." Kelsey paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. "And so I went to his apartment, all dressed up. He didn't answer the door when I knocked, and I figured he was either sleeping or listening to music, neither of which was abnormal for him."

Kelsey noticed that her voice was beginning to shake. It's the first time that she'd told the story, the whole story, to anyone out loud. Niall seemed to sense her hesitance, reaching his hand to grasp hers, and offering a reassuring squeeze.

"So I let myself in," Kelsey continued. "And I walked to his bedroom, pushed open his door and found my best friend naked on top of him." The image still bore through Kelsey's mind. The guy dropping, chest stabbing feeling she'd had that day lingering now. "Nothing prepared me for that. Nothing prepared me for finding my best friend on top of my boyfriend." Kelsey looked at Niall, her eyes beginning to water.

"Sometimes I wonder, what would have happened if I had not just let myself in. Would I have found out some other way? Or would I still be living in ignorant bliss, working my ass off in law school while he fucked her on the weekends?" Kelsey spat.

"And the worst thing of all was that he knew what I was going through with my parents," her voice grew more angry. "He knew how fragile I had become, how much distrust I had in love. And then he went and shattered me while I was already broken. I couldn't come back from that, not for my LSAT that Monday, not for anything."

Kelsey began to sniffle, wiping a stray tear that had escaped from her eye with the pad of her finger. Niall instinctively wrapped his arm around her shoulders, bringing her towards his chest and rubbing her back in a smooth, rhythmic motion. They stayed like that for a moment, Niall not sure what he could possibly stay and Kelsey still trying to find her words while keeping her emotions in check.

"I searched the deepest corners of my mind for some red flag I missed, some sign that they'd been doing this all along, that I'd just been oblivious to their love. I spent nights laying awake running through every moment I'd spent with the two of them for any signs of attractions, I tried to recall every time that Sam had been late to answering my texts or hadn't let me know where he was. But I couldn't find anything, I still can't find anything," Kelsey said with frustration.

"But now," she began sitting up and wiping her eyes once again. "Now, they are engaged and that's the end of that," she smiled, but it's a smile Niall can see right through. It was one of those smiles you used to try to mask the fact that you were an emotional wreck. The kind that you think might make yourself feel better even though you feel like absolute shit. Those smiles never worked, and it didn't work for Kelsey in that moment either.

The truth of the matter was, whether Kelsey was ready to admit it or not, the roles of those two people, arguably the two most important people in her life just over a year ago, was over. There would be no glorious scene where Kelsey rushed into their wedding, shouting that this was a mistake and Sam suddenly realizing that it was Kelsey he had loved all along. Similarly, there would be no scene where Jessica came begging for forgiveness from Kelsey, and Kelsey would accept, realizing that what Jessica and Sam had was unlike anything Kelsey and him could have hoped for.

Kelsey began to think that maybe this utter despair, this feeling of rock bottom, this ache in her chest like her wounds were reopened, would catapult her into a place of healing. A new journey. Or maybe now she noticed all the scars she'd been holding onto for so long. Maybe her wounds were still there, and maybe this was simply making her realize just how fragile she was. Nothing in her life was certain. She didn't have her career path solidified, she didn't have her family, and did she really even have Niall? Or was that just a mirage as well? "What are we doing?" Kelsey said suddenly.

"What do you mean Kels?" Niall asked, taken aback by the sudden change in subject.

"I mean what are WE doing?" Kelsey said again, gesturing between the two of them. "What are we Niall? Just messing around for the fun of it? It's not like we can ever be something with all this sneaking around." Kelsey didn't intend for her words to come out so harsh, but it was what she was thinking. It was what she questioned to herself every time she came across a photo of Niall and Krystal. 

"We're getting to know each other Kelsey. We both agreed to take things slow, and you know I like you. I really like you..." Niall looked at Kelsey, his brows furrowed. "Is this because of the engagement?"

"Yes. No. I don't know," Kelsey threw her head into her hands. "I just," she paused again, her mind searching for the right words.

"I just think about how I'll never be able to post a photo of us snuggling on the couch, or how we can never go out to dinner or walk on the beach hand in hand. And I just wonder if this is even something. Or is this just us being stupid and foolish and thinking that this can go somewhere with all these limitations stacked upon us." Kelsey feels her cheeks begin to grow wet. Again. It had got to be the wine, because Kelsey didn't feel sad about this. She felt frustrated.

"And god, I just have this idea in my head that keeps playing over and over.  And all I see is you and her and you telling me that you realized it wasn't all fake with her," she let out, her voice beginning to crack. She didn't know if she could do it. She wasn't sure she was strong enough to find herself in the position of the other woman once again.

"Kels," Niall said softly, running his fingers through her hair. There was a phrase on the tip of his tongue. I phrase that involved the word falling and was almost as terrifying to Niall as being trapped in a small space for hours on end. So he pushed the words away, instead taking the tip of his finger and wiping a stray tear from Kelsey's eyes.

"You've went through a lot today, you're hurting. And honestly, I don't know if anything I can say right now is going to make you feel better. But all I can tell you is that I would never hurt you in the way that they hurt you okay? And this thing we are doing? This is more real than anything I've ever had. Okay?" he looked into her eyes, they're red and puffy, but they were still the most beautiful things he'd ever laid eyes on.

"Okay," Kelsey replied. It was no answer. It was no solution to all her doubts and fears. But for tonight, and for her wine-influenced mind, it was what Kelsey needed to lay her head on Niall's shoulder and drift off to sleep.

Tag List: @awomanindeniall​ @ihearthemcallingforyou @niall-is-my-dream

[itsswimmingtragedycollection]

YouTubers are shitty people

First of all, deal with it, accept it, let it sink in so we can fix it like we should have done a long time ago. The more I get to know and learn about that community, the more I am convinced it’s specifically appealing to extraordinarily self absorbed, self important, egocentric, entitled people, and that’s no coincidence. I couldn’t put my finger on it for a long time, because it’s not until you come across a *few* actually decent youtubers that it becomes obvious. Reminds me of older generations and casual homophobia. They never see it as an issue because in their circles, everyone is doing it and it’s very well accepted if not even demanded.  The main reason I chose to call them collectively shitty instead of naming names, even though not *literally* every single one of them is shitty, is because they all (at least the very successful ones) seem to share certain character traits. But before we get into that, let’s discuss yt as a platform first. The best thing about it is also the absolute worst thing about it: ANYONE CAN DO IT. Politicians talk about farming as a low skill job, but that ain’t it, being a youtuber is. If you know how to film a video and have internet access, congratulations! Because that’s literally it. Now of course, some creators will put more time and effort and their additional skills into their work, but even if turning your camera on is all you got, it’s not an obstacle whatsoever. Just look at Tana Mongeau real quick. She sits in front of the camera, tells a whatever story, that could easily fit into THREE sentences, for half an hour, with minimal editing and bam! Hands down one of the laziest ‘content creators’ to this day, but still, in the yt world, she’s the 1%.  Other than Tana Mongeau, the more important problems with ‘anyone can do it’ are the factors determining who becomes the fairest of them all (which is what enabled her rise to fame in the first place). This is where we get political, but let’s get real, spilling the tea about who said what about who is so last year, in 2019 we’re looking at the bigger picture. The bigger picture would be, where we are as a society, which is not a good place at all. The situation is, a handful of people~the famous 1%~are fucking us in the ass for profit and effectively getting away with it.(Not really news) They are able to accomplish that with three main mechanisms: 1. Keeping people busy and stressed. If you have to get up early, work all day for shit pay and worry about paying your bills, debts, feeding yourself, keeping that job...you don’t actually have the time for much else. An average worker doesn’t have hours or days to spend on in-depth researching of socioeconomic trends, they’re mostly just going to rely on quick news they get from the media, which, as we all know, does not paint an accurate picture, to say the least. That middle class persona, who has a decent job, full 8 hours of sleep and some free time, with the rising rates of poverty and homelessness, is becoming a rarer and rarer occurrence.  2. Isolation. There’s this whole individualism thing that we got going on. You know the ‘We are all individuals for ourselves!! If you’re successful, it’s only because of YOU personally and if you’re a failure it’s because you’re stupid and unworthy!! Everyone is competition!! Asking for help is shameful!’ And also, belonging to a group (American, white, black, gay, straight, man, woman, trans...) is a part of our identity, but it’s almost like, identifying with a certain group means picking a side. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s great to know where you come from and to find a place where you belong, but individualism has us thinking that the differences between these groups are somehow irreconcilable, when, in reality, we have a lot more in common than not.  3. Providing you with an enemy. We all see this every day. ‘Mexicans are stealing your jobs! Immigrants are the biggest threat to national security! North Korea is our number one enemy!’ You know, usually people with virtually no political or decision making power in the country get to take all the blame. And if you’re an average person, stressed, depressed and isolated, and someone points a finger and says ‘This is the reason your life sucks’ instead of saying ‘Hold up, that’s not true, you’re the reason my life sucks, get that dusty dick out of my ass and let me take a break’ you end up throwing stones at people getting fucked just as hard as you.  (I would also like to point out that a big part of keeping this in place is fucking up the education system and rewriting history in a way that favors the existing situation so one feels less inclined to question it form an early age.) Now let’s get back to youtubers. The reason I wrote this long ass introduction is because youtubers come from the society and are very much a part of it. They don’t fall from the sky straight into our hearts, even though it might feel that way sometimes. In fact they are a product of it, because who thrives and who perishes is decided by the said society. People tend to gather around content that resonates with them, so just like a Trump supporter is very unlikely to endorse AOC, and vice-versa, we support youtubers that align with/represent our own beliefs and values the most. So upon taking into consideration the very shitty values and beliefs that we get shoved down our throats on a daily basis, it is only reasonable to assume they take part in deciding which youtuber we like and want to see succeed. And if we take a closer look at youtube’s it list, we will notice some pretty worrying similarities. First of all it’s rare to find one without a questionable past (and present) that ranges from racism, sexism, misogyny to bullying, lying, scamming...It’s so common that it’s not even that big of a deal anymore, it’s just a thing that happens. Kinda like apology videos. Who doesn’t have at least one these days? It’s hard for me to believe that out of hundreds of thousands of youtubers out there, we somehow accidentally cherry picked, almost exclusively, only the ‘problematic’ ones. And they are all ‘problematic’ in the same way.   Second of all, they are very self important. Also coincidentally.  When you make tons of money and have worldwide fame at a young age, and most of them are young, you start to think that you *must* be special. God must have put his finger on your forehead and made you better than everyone for all of that to happen to you. Sadly, this is encouraged by fans too. Even more so since today being rich is *the shit*  and the ultimate end game, so people will look up to them, admire them, idolize them etc. This leaves a very strong ‘you can’t sit with us’ aftertaste and frequent outbursts of entitlement whether it’s inability to take criticism, coming after regular people, letting fans tear them apart or  refusing to be held accountable for your bs and blaming other people. I think James Charles is an excellent example of an entitled youtuber. Even Gabbie Hanna handles criticism better. And he also categorically refuses to be responsible for any damage he does. Whenever a sister scandal occurs it’s either a) not his fault or b) he was a different person back then and has since done some personal growth so we can’t hold it against him.  Next, we gotta talk about that youtuber ego. We get to experience it any and every time someone asks ‘Why tf are youtubers getting payed insane amounts of money?’ They are a very easily triggered bunch and I can’t count all the times I heard ‘YOUTUBE IS A JOB NO ONE WORKS FOR FREE SO NEITHER DO WE JEALOUSY IS A DISEASE GET WELL SOON’  Here’s the thing though, no one disputes the fact that it’s a job. What is unfathomable to outsiders is, why would someone give a person five figures for saying ‘Buy this shit it’s really cool’ on camera? How is that possibly worth that much? Fact of the matter is, it’s not, but saying ‘By this shit it’s really cool’ to a shit ton of your followers, is. The youtuber ego is what happens when you can’t say ‘We earn money by exploiting the trust our fans put in us’ but you still have to justify your position so you say ‘First of all. We’re super special, original and unique. This is a very hard job, we work our asses of, if it was easy, everyone would do it.’ And then you star believing it. But more importantly, your followers believe it too. At the beginning I pointed out that anyone can to it because it’s a low skill job, so if you wondered why everyone is not doing it, it’s precisely because we’re constantly being told the opposite, and I gotta say, I don’t see anyone questioning it. Even though it’s not even remotely true. Take a look at any group, beauty gurus, entertainers, commentary channels, drama channels, whatever you choose, if you’ve seen five creators in a bunch, you’ve pretty much seen them all, not a whole lot of originality going on there. In fact, this ‘uniqueness’ is nothing more than some basic branding. Drinking coffee is so Emma Chamberlain, conspiracy theories are so Shane Dawson, racism is so Pewdiepie and so on.  Pewdiepie actually brings me to my last point. He illustrates what I want to say so incredibly well. As we all know, he’s been called out, multiple times, for blatant racism, antisemitism, sexism, overall regressive, aggressive, harmful standpoints. And absolutely nothing happened, he’s doing just fine. Why is that? Because, firstly, he never gets called out by his own fans. Like I said, we pick who we support, which means his fans gathered around him because they liked and shared his viewpoints in the first place. Not only did they not call him out, they defended him. How many times is Pewdiepie going to have a sister scandal and get away with it? As many as he wants. He’s never gonna be cancelled because the only people who have the power to do that, love his racism. He’s virtually untouchable. It makes sense why he acts like he’s got God by the balls. And, coincidentally, he is the most followed youtuber in history of youtubers with 80 MILLION SUBSCRIBERS. All the other shitty youtubers ™ stay relevant and slaying for the exact same reason. Their fans like them because they are shitty, it’s a vicious circle. Not ony are shitty youtubers ™ a reflection of how much we need to do better, they are to an extent preventing that from happening. ‘Such, such and such bad behaviour made this person rich and famous, so it must be good, and every time I watch their videos I am surrounded by people who think the same, which in turn, encourages me to glorify it even more.’  The whole reason I wrote this, is because we really, really, need to do better. I have seen people calling them out on things I mention here, but so far I never saw anyone connecting the epidemic of shitty youtubers ™  to our current circumstances as a society, which is definitely there. So instead of wrapping ourselves into the comfortable blanket of ‘as long as a lot of other people are thinking like me, everything is fine’ we should start asking for more from ourselves and others.  Pass it on, spread the good word. 

[fear-god-shun-evil]

Marriage Testimony: I’ve Found the Right Marriage Partner Ordained by God

By Su Xiaobei

I was born in the 80s. My parents were both humble and incapable farmers. My mother often told me, “In my day, marriages were all arranged by parents. Before getting married, I had only met your father once, and we barely knew each other. Only until after our marriage did I know he was incapable. Since then, I didn’t have an easy day. I’m so miserable!” In my memory, whenever quarreling with my father, she always complained, “Why did I marry you?”

As time went by, I gradually grew up and began to have my own thoughts. While I was at school, my teacher told us that “One’s destiny is in his own hands” and “We can build a brighter future with our own two hands.” Hearing this, I made up my mind: I’m not gonna live like my parents; my marriage should be determined by myself; only by marrying a person I like can I lead a happy life. With this thought, I kept looking for a partner in the vast sea of humanity.

Later I met a boy, who was honest and capable, and was six years older than me. In the beginning, I thought: As long as we love each other, age is not an issue that could come in the way of our marriage. However, after knowing him for a time, I found that we had differing tastes and characters, and shared nothing in common. In the end, I quit my job and returned home, and our relationship drew to an end.

Before long I went to a city of Guangdong Province to work. Living a fast-paced life, I adopted a relaxed attitude toward love, believing that my marriage partner would appear sooner or later. One day, when attending a dinner party with my roommate, I met a boy who impressed me with his appearance and speech and behavior. After the dinner party, my roommate told me, “A boy had a crush on you today. If you like, I can introduce him to you.” Knowing that he was the very boy I met at the party, I agreed to meet him, and soon we fell in love. We had common tastes and common topics, which made me firmly believe that he was my other half. Three years later, he introduced me to his family, and they were all satisfied with me. Nevertheless, because of the long distance between our families, I was afraid that my parents would disapprove of our marriage, and thus didn’t take him home to meet them. But I made up my mind that I must get married to the person I like.

I returned home that fall, and told my parents that I was going to get married. Unexpectedly, as soon as they heard the boy’s home was far away, they firmly opposed our match. My mother said, “Arranged marriage is right and proper. It is humiliating to marry into another place; if you are bullied in the future, there is no one around to support you.” She even asked my relatives to persuade me, but it didn’t work. Seeing that my family disapproved of our marriage, I didn’t ask for their opinions any longer, and decided to leave this house and never come back. However, my mother made a vigorous attempt to prevent me from leaving and kept me in the room, insisting that I should be engaged before leaving. In order to leave earlier, I had no choice but to agree. I thought: Once leaving this house, I won’t come back, and then the boy’s family will break off the engagement. Later, my aunt introduced a boy in the neighboring village to me, and we got engaged very soon. After that, when I was ready to leave, my mother said to me in tears, “Sweetheart, you’ve grown up. You should stop acting like a child and be sensible. If you accept fate, then your life will go smoothly; otherwise, you will live in pain. Just look at me. Though my marriage is full of frustrations, that’s my destiny and I’ve accepted it, and so should you. Now that you are engaged, you shouldn’t part with that boy.” Upon hearing that, I felt disgust and said, “I won’t resign myself to fate. My destiny is in my own hand. Can’t I decide whom I’m gonna marry?” Then I left for Guangdong Province without hesitation.

Although I went back to work, what happened at home became a knot in my heart, which made me depressed every day. One day, a colleague asked me to accompany her to hospital for a health check. When we arrived, she said, “For the sake of your health, you should also have a physical.” Then I had an examination. However, when the result was out, I was shocked that I had a malignant tumor. The doctor told me, “You are seriously ill and need immediate hospitalization. The malignant tumor in your uterus grows very fast; I’m afraid you can’t procreate in the future.” This news struck me like a bolt from the blue and shook me so much that I couldn’t accept it, feeling as if the sky had fallen. Later, I was hospitalized. To my surprise, when I told my boyfriend about my illness, he, who had a sense of responsibility in the past, never showed up since then. Only then did I realize what “true love” was; it was so silly of me to break with my family for such a person. In despair, I left the hospital of my own volition.

When I returned home and told mom about my illness, she immediately sent me to the hospital. Seeing that she cared for me day and night, I felt remorse for my deeds and actions of the past. Over the following year, I received chemotherapy every month, which soon made my hair fall out. Looking at my ugly appearance in the mirror, I was in great pain. During my illness, the boy I was engaged to often came to the hospital to take care of me. When I lost my temper with him, he silently bore it without any complaint. In addition, ugly as I was, he still didn’t break off the engagement, which was contrary to my expectation and touched me; gradually, I began to accept him. Because of the illness, I became taciturn. Sometimes I lay on the hospital bed and gazed out of the window, thinking of my situation; then I came to know life was so fragile that it couldn’t withstand a single blow. I couldn’t help but think to myself: Why am I so miserable? Why can’t I have the life and marriage I want? This isn’t what I expected. Could it be that I am truly unable to control my own fate? Then who controls it? Why couldn’t I get what I had been struggling for? Why? Later, through a year of painful treatment, my illness was cured. Having come back from the verge of death, I felt as if I had been in a dream and so happy that I could live freely, yet my doubt about the correctness of the words “One’s destiny is in his own hands” still remained.

After illness, I soon got married to the boy I was engaged to. Later, we had a lovely daughter and lived in happiness and peace. When my daughter was three months old, my aunt gave me a book of God’s words, in which I found the answer to the mystery of fate. God’s words say, “Marriage is a key event in any person’s life; it is the time when one starts truly to assume various kinds of responsibilities, begins gradually to fulfill various kinds of missions. People harbor many illusions about marriage before they experience it themselves, and all these illusions are beautiful. Women imagine that their other halves will be Prince Charming, and men imagine that they will marry Snow White. … Though everyone has their own ideas and personal stances on the subject of marriage, no one can foresee who will finally become their true other half, and one’s own notions count for little. After meeting a person you like, you can pursue that person; but whether he or she is interested in you, whether he or she is able to become your partner, is not yours to decide. The object of your affections is not necessarily the person with whom you will be able to share your life; and meanwhile someone you never expected quietly enters your life and becomes your partner, becomes the most important element in your fate, your other half, to whom your fate is inextricably bound.”

“Where you will go every day, what you will do, who or what you will encounter, what you will say, what will happen to you—can any of this be predicted? People cannot foresee all these occurrences, much less control how they develop. In life, these unforeseeable events happen all the time, and they are an everyday occurrence. These daily vicissitudes and the ways they unfold, or the patterns by which they play out, are constant reminders to humanity that nothing happens at random, that these things’ ramifications, and their inevitability, cannot be shifted by human will. Every happening conveys an admonition from the Creator to mankind, and it also sends the message that human beings cannot control their own fates; at the same time every event is a rebuttal to humanity’s wild, futile ambition and desire to take its fate into its own hands. … From these daily vicissitudes to the fates of entire human lives, there is nothing that does not reveal the Creator’s plans and His sovereignty; there is nothing that does not send the message that ‘the Creator’s authority cannot be exceeded,’ that does not convey the eternal truth that ‘the Creator’s authority is supreme’” (God Himself, the Unique III). In these words, I found the answer to my question. It turned out that our fate is not controlled by our own hands, but is arranged and ruled by the Creator; our marriages are also predetermined by Him. No matter how hard we try, we can’t alter the predestination of the Creator and have to play our respective role in our marriages. It’s just like the saying goes, “Man’s life is fated by Heaven.” Although I could fight for my marriage, I still had to return to the path God had predetermined for me; what’s more, from my own experience, I realized all that God has arranged is the greatest.

At that time, I couldn’t help but think: In the past, why did I always face fate defiantly? Then I understood that during the course of my learning knowledge, Satan’s poisons “One’s destiny is in his own hand” and “We can build a brighter future with our own two hands” were instilled in me, which made me vie obstinately against fate all along. It was not by chance that I got illness, but was God’s salvation; God used the fact to awaken me from the fallacy that “One’s destiny is in his own hand,” making me reconsider who is in control of my fate. In His powerful words, I found the answer that God is the Master of my fate. In addition, I felt even more grateful for His salvation and love for me: If not for the illness, I never would have seen through the so-called true love among men; if not for God saving me in this way, I would still be drifting in this world and become further and further from Him, and moreover would continue to oppose God and be fooled and harmed by Satan; if not for God’s care and protection, who knows what I would be like today. Thank God! My illness was His grace and special favor, which gave me an opportunity to know Him, accept His care and protection, submit to His sovereignty and arrangement over my fate, and live with joy and happiness before Him. All glory be to God!

[auggie-hunter]

#grahamys.

auggie foregoes the grammys for the simple fact that it’s her night to shine.

that, and he and teddy had this unspoken understanding about the comfort of the girls being with either one of them over anyone else.

(new parent nerves, josie had called it. she said they’d go away. eventually.)

but it’d work out, if only because it gives her a night off to take the stage with her sister, and celebrate all of her hard work. especially in a year where hard work was really optional because everything else was difficult and she went ahead and had not one, but two babies, and worked on not one but three albums while planning four a fourth.

she deserved that, and though he’d love to be right by her side, the way he has from the very beginning, he’s more than happy to take a back seat and stay home with their two little pieces of sky.

“you look amazing.”

they have a moment in the bathroom while she’s getting dressed.

she smiles at him through the mirror. “thank you.”

“no matter what happens, you killed it,” he says from his place at the doorway, stepping in a second later to zip her dress up in the back. “biggest and best year out of anyone.” his lips find the bit of bare skin at the nape of her neck, just above the neckline of the floral dress she wears and below her hairline.

“except you maybe,” she shivers a little and turns in his arms, and her smile is small and knowing.

“i just stood here and rode your coat tails, so definitely even me,” he chuckles, and teddy takes his hand, pressing a kiss to the back of each one, soft and quick so as to not ruin her lipstick.

“among other things.”

auggie snorts and teddy laughs goofily, tugging on the hem of the warm maroon pullover he wears, her name scrawled along stars down the front.

“are the girls still asleep?” she asks.

he nods. “mhm.” he reaches into his back pocket, pulling out the baby monitor to show her where both their daughters are fast asleep in each of their cribs.

“i’m gonna miss them,” she frowns, and he gently rests his hands on her arms, pressing his lips to her forehead, careful not to ruin her carefully styled bangs. “and i wish you were coming with me.”

“yeah, me too.” he wraps both arms around her, and gives her a squeeze, reaching down to lightly tap her bottom. “but tonight’s your night, baby.” he pulls away to look at her. “we’ll be right here rooting for you and waiting for you to get back so we can celebrate.”

“you’re very cute, but if they’re back to sleep by then, you’ll for sure be asleep.” she kisses him, lipstick be damned. “thank you.”

---

her performance makes him cry but mostly because he’s overtired, and hadn’t known just what songs she’d perform. but he should’ve known his wife would be impossibly on the nose about things.

and it isn’t the song with his name blatantly written all over it, but the next one, the wedding vows she’d said with shaky hands holding his in the middle of the night in a paris hotel.

but her beautiful voice soothes rosie back to sleep, and briar just wiggles inside her own bassinet, seemingly too excited to sleep. he should try and get her to sleep, too, especially since she’d just learned to sleep through the night. but it’s a special night.

“she’s just too great to miss, right bri?” he asks, running a hand over her belly. she shoots him a grin, and he she’s just learned to smile, but it makes him melt every time.

bixby’s win is thrilling, and when he squeezes belly, auggie can see teddy and daily itching to run over to him.

teddy’s win, however, is the icing on the cake. it’s the culmination of the last full year they’d spent indoors, navigating being newly married, new babies, and her relentless work ethic. the culmination of choosing not to keep up their lame attempt at secrecy because their lives had gotten too big and too beautiful to hide.

“this is for the fans who never stopped supporting me, whether through a tweet or waiting hours after a show just to say hi to me,” her smile is bright and her words are earnest, and he knows just how much they love her and how much it means to her that they do. he knows how much everything she does is because it’ll make them all happy, because that makes her happy.

“and this is for my sister, my daily,” she looks to daily, who stands beside her in a suit and teary eyes, just so proud. “who always pushes me and ights for me, and i wouldn’t be half the writer i am without her, i wouldn’t be where i am without her.” and daily’s mouthed ‘i love you’ makes his heart squeeze, because it’s the way they’re two halves of one whole in every way that counts. 

“for belly and crosby and honey and ollie, and--” her siblings’ names slip out in rapid succession, from years of mentioning them all, and also a desperate attempt to not forget one of them. “bixby! bix, god i’m so proud of you!” she grins at her brother, and gives him a wave, and though his smile is hidden behind his mask, bixby’s eyes are so bright, auggie knows he’s smiling just as brilliantly, and is equally as proud of her.

“and this is for auggie,” the way she looks into the camera then grounds him, her gaze warm and intense, and he wants nothing more than to squeeze her and remind her just how proud of her he is every single day. “for my august. for never slipping away, for always being right here.”

“always,” he mumbles in response. “always, always.”

“even if right now he’s at home with briar and rosie,” she continues, and he smiles, glancing down at the girls, each in their own bassinet. “who i hope grow up to be just like you,” and he has to scoff because he’s hoping they’re all her, from head to toe and everything in between.

“you’re always right here,” she finishes, eyes tearful as she touches a hand to her heart. auggie briefly wonders if his own heart will ever stop feeling like it’s going to burst over teddy graham. and he kind of hopes it never does.

---

he’s definitely asleep by the time she gets home, just like she said. but he’s on the couch, and he’d tried everything to wait up for her, but when the ceremony ended, so did rosie’s nap, and she’d been fussy until he’d gotten her to sleep on his chest.

(how they manage to not wake briar is beyond him, but he’s a mere mortal, and he’s not about to question the many divine occurrences around him)

but he’s got a tiny rosie curled up in his chest and briar asleep in her bassinet. and if teddy graham could melt, she’d for sure be a puddle of goo right now.

she toes off the warm boots she’d stuffed her feet into after the show, setting them down at the foot of the stairs with her soft pink heels before making quick work of washing her hands on her way into the living room.

“hey,” teddy says softly over the back of the couch, threading her fingers through his hair. the arm around rosie tightens slightly. “it’s just me.” she runs her fingers over his eyebrow just as he opens his eyes.

“i’m awake,” he mutters, voice hoarse and thick with sleep.

“oh yeah, super awake,” she teases as he opens his eyes. “hi baby.” she greets him setting her grammy down over the back of the couch.

“winner, winner, chicken dinner,” he grunts, easing up a second later, careful to not jostle rosie awake. “look at you.”

“winner winner chicken dinner.”

auggie smiles up at her. “congratulations, champ. you were amazing tonight.”

she eases over the back of the couch and presses a lingering kiss to his temple. “thank you. it was... kind of incredible? ” she walks around and takes a seat beside him. “i got scared for a second there,” she admits holding her hands out to take rosie.

“i could see it in your eyes.” he hands her over, and smiles as he watches teddy’s face practically melt as tiny limbs mold into her arms and chest. “but i knew it was coming. they’d be crazy not to.” he picks up the shiny gold gramophone, tracing his thumb over the engraving.

“technically, this is your grammy, too, august.”

“yeah considering all the stress you put me through while pregnant.” he scoffs and she laughs. “should i put ‘grammy award winner and dorothea’s better half’ as my twitter bio?”

briar whines a second later. “i don’t think she likes that idea,” teddy pouts, glancing over at her.

auggie’s quick to lean forward to grab her, easing her onto his own chest. “okay, okay, i get it, mom’s totally the better half of this duo.” he kisses her head, bouncing her and rubbing her back. “we all know it.”

teddy reaches out, running her thumb between briar’s wrinkled brow, hoping to help soothe her.

“i’m proud of you.” he glances over at her. “for today, for this year... you’ve gone above and beyond.”

“i’ve cried enough today, please,” she sniffles, unable to help her tearful chuckle.

“i mean it though,” he grins. “it’s been the honor of my life getting to spend this last year with you. all you’ve accomplished...”

“we. this would be nothing without you.”

“shut up and let me compliment you,” he glares, though there’s zero bite whatsoever, and her laughter confirms she knows it.

“i love you.” she kisses his cheek. "thank you for everything.”

[torestoreamends]

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Recap – 16/12/17

When I see an incredible performance of Cursed Child there’s normally a moment when I look at the stage and think ‘this is very special, and I need to do everything I can to remember it’. With this performance, that didn’t happen. It didn’t hit me how amazing it was until the next day, when all the tiny little details came flooding back to me, and I slowly realised that every single tiny piece of what I’d just seen was flawless.

Every time I see the show I want to see new things, I want to learn something about the characters, or about the technicalities of the show. I want to take something exciting away with me, some new revelation that can feed my future enjoyment of the world and of the show.

With this one, it felt very average at the time. Everyone did their normal things, no one noticeably brought anything particularly new to the table. It was very standard, very well executed; safe but high-quality. But on reflection, within the things I’ve become so familiar with over the last seven months, were new and exciting things, tiny things, that made the whole show incredibly special. Like a layer of glittery festive icing sugar on top of a very standard but tasty chocolate cake. This one definitely glittered.

I think I might get the things that I wasn’t wildly in love with out of the way first, so nothing gets in the way of the lengthy speech I have planned about how much I adore Mackley, Samuel, and James Howard (among others).

So I had never seen a cover Ron until this show. I’ve seen the show n amount of times, and have now seen the main Ron n-1 times. This started out as luck, but recently became more by design. Anyway, I was resigned to this one. I guessed it was coming, prepared myself accordingly, and now there is no longer a character in the play that I haven’t seen a cover for!

I think I need to see Danny’s Ron again. I always find it weird seeing a cover of a character for the first time, because you spend half the play just getting used to them so you don’t really get a full sense of what it is their doing, and what journey they’re going on. But that didn’t stop me having opinions.

I thought he was great with the more serious stuff. I really enjoyed his second timeline (this was one of the best second timelines I’ve seen all round actually), especially the awkward staircase scene with Hermione. Where he fell down was the comedy. I think the problem came from him replicating what Tom does, and obviously he’s a different actor to Tom. I think he would have been a lot more successful if he’d done his own thing with it.

There were things that are really funny when they’re over-emphasised, and he didn’t really push those things. They would have been great if he’d gone further with them (I’m thinking of the baby or a holiday scene in particular, which had good potential, but I just wanted more of everything). Also, in Act Four I found his Ron more standoffish and sulky than a joker, especially in the church, which really didn’t work for me. He’s a good actor, but definitely not my Ron.

Anyway, moving on to the things I really enjoyed.

Part One

This cast is weird. They’ve always been weird. And what I mean by that is that, in general, their Part Two is a lot better than their Part One. It’s been that way ever since the first show, and I don’t know what it is, but Part One often just feels like set up. The real action begins at the end of Act Two, and that’s when the really brilliant stuff comes out. That’s when they fire up.

However, every month or two, they’ll give a performance where Part One really shines. It’ll come alive, every second of it will be compelling, and I’ll be totally blown away. This was definitely one of those. It was a great Part One.

The fun really started with Mackley’s blanket scene. Last time I saw him do one of these I thought it could have been more explosive, but this one was everything I expect from him. He actually screamed himself into tears, which was really cool.

I didn’t notice it this time, but normally one of my favourite things about a Mackley blanket scene is how the power balance between Harry and Albus changes when he’s on as opposed to Theo. When Theo is Albus, Harry takes a position of physical power in the scene – Jamie stands up and towers over him, while he stays curled up on the bed until near the very end of the scene.

With Mackley it’s the opposite. Albus stands up and positions himself behind the bed head, putting a physical barrier between himself and Harry, and using the height advantage over his dad to make himself big and intimidating in his anger, meanwhile Harry sits on the bed looking up at him. Since Jamie uses his physical positioning in scenes in such a specific way, to emphasise where harry feels he is in the pecking order, I actually love seeing this difference. I find it very cool and very fascinating.

The other great bit of the scene this time was how Mackley screamed in his face. It gave me beautiful flashbacks to the days of Jamie P and Sam, when being nose to nose and yelling was a daily occurrence. I can clearly remember Mackley straining as he shouted, and by the time he got to the end of “no, I just wish you weren’t my dad!” his voice cracked, and Albus went from angry to broken in a heartbeat.

That fracturing at the key moment of the scene, when Albus is his angriest, just shows how much Albus really loves his dad and wants to be loved back, and emphasises his despair in the fact that he thinks it will never be possible to get that love. My friend @eldabe said the most brilliant thing, which I think applies perfectly here: “Mackley’s Albus is just such a unique combination of vulnerable kid and confident teenager”. He is confident, he’s bold, he shouts for what he wants, and inside he’s this mess of a child who just wants love and friendship and adventure, and I think that is what I find exciting about him.

Oh the quiz scene in this show... I cannot overstate how much I adore Samuel and Mackley as a combination. They may not be the most Scorbusy, but I love how much fun they have together. I love how Mackley is enough of a loose canon to keep Samuel endlessly entertained.

Whenever I see Mackley and Samuel together they sparkle at each other. They have this joy in their eyes, and you can see their love of performing and performing together, and you can see how much they’re enjoying themselves. This is particularly the case with Samuel, because every time I’ve seen him with Mackley, there comes a point in the show where he stops doing his job and starts having fun. It stops being a thing he loves that is his livelihood, and becomes a game. He sort of takes flight, and everything becomes effortless, and somehow when Samuel is enjoying himself and when he’s flying, he’s even more Scorpius than he is when he’s really focusing on his craft. It’s not really something I can capture in a description, it’s something you have to see for yourself.

But anyway, in this show, the quiz scene was where Samuel started having fun, and from there the rest of the Part was just pure joy. It was delightful.

I remember one moment very clearly from this scene. When Scorpius says “get that strange look out of your eye”, Mackley turned to Samuel, put his hands on his shoulders, and for the first time ever I got this overwhelming sense of Albus as a hero. In that moment, Albus was the hero of his own story, he was taking control of his life, and he was a force of nature.

Over the shows I’ve seen Mackley do as Albus, I’ve seen the balance between Albus and Scorpius get better and better. The first time, I didn’t even notice Anthony until some point in Act Four, because Mackley and Albus were the star of the show. But the more I see him with Samuel, the more the balance between Albus and Scorpius gets. Albus no longer dominates Part One the way he once did; this quiz scene was the only moment where I really felt he was in control of their partnership.

Ed was in Danny’s track in the St Oswald’s scene. It was aesthetically pleasing. (If anyone doesn’t know why that’s significant... message me and I’ll explain.)

This was only the second time I’d seen Martin as Amos/Dumbledore, and I certainly enjoyed his Amos a lot more this time (I already loved his Dumbledore). It took me until this second show to get used to his voice and the way he plays the character. He feels a lot more solid, and a bit younger than Barry; more tough and up for a fight, and I quite like that. It certainly worked well in the scene at St Oswald’s, where he and Mackley were going at each other. I also love how you can see Delphi getting more and more frustrated with him, because he’s so head strong and difficult to control.

One of my favourite things about seeing Mackley as Albus is getting to see him play not only with Samuel, but also with Annabel. You can see how well they get on and how used to each other they are. The two of them really come alive together. The best example of this is the ‘Wizzo!’ moment.

They don’t decide before they go on what they’re going to do there. It’s pure improv. Annabel comes up with an idea on the spot (presumably something as ridiculous as she can think of) and Mackley has to copy her as if he’s been doing it all along. And then Samuel has to come rushing in and go along with the whole mess. It’s really glorious. (This show’s wasn’t the best one I’ve seen. Annabel confessed last time Mackley was on that she was running out of ideas, and while this one was fine and very ridiculous, Samuel didn’t pick up on it as well as I’ve seen him do before. There have been some truly stellar ones before though.)

The other random thing that I adore about Mackley is how calm he is about the Expelliarmus. It doesn’t look like he’s at all worried about catching the wand. He does the trick a lot slower than Theo, but that actually makes it better, because he’s so confident in it that you never doubt for a second that it‘ll work. It’s always very impressive.

I have been hearing about James McGregor’s Bane for a long time, but have never managed to see him before. However, I finally understood what all the fuss was about (honestly, I got AA16 for the most aesthetically pleasing show ever – Ed as ‘Danny’, James as Bane, and Leah as Polly. Even I was jealous of me.) Anyway, I did just about manage to form coherent thoughts about James’s Bane, which was no mean feat, let me tell you.

He’s a very young seeming Bane. His anger is raw and new. Nuno’s (and Adam’s too from what I remember) feels worldly and developed over years of bitterness and hatred, but James’s Bane has a similar sort of anger to Albus, one that’s just beginning to take flame. It was a really interesting take, and he felt sort of naive in his anger. It made me wonder how long centaurs live, because I always assumed Bane was older by now, but maybe not in centaur years. Anything goes when your character is a magical creature!

I had three favourite things from the First Task scene this time. 1. Josh and James P spelling TWT with their hands at the start of the scene. I’ve seen this before, but it’s normally Mackley and James P, so it was cute seeing James P teaching it to Josh in character at the very beginning of the scene. 2. Before the ‘I love Krum’ chant, Mackley turns his back on the audience, and when it starts he does a Macarena style jump to start the routine. It’s ridiculous, and I love everything about it. 3. Rupert decided he was very very scared of the dragons, and went to hide behind Ed, who ended up right at the front of the crowd.

Also, I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned it before, but I love everything Samuel does in this scene (I love everything he does in every scene but whatever). Scorpius gets so excited working out which task it is, and looking around the crowd. He’s so overwhelmed to be part of history, it’s adorable. One of Scorpius’s cutest moments, and one of the (many) parts where you realise how perfect Samuel is.

A really cool thing in the hospital wing scene was seeing how detached Martin’s Dumbledore is from everything. It was so portrait-like. At the end of the scene, when he says ‘and I never had a son’, he wasn’t looking at Harry. It was like he couldn’t bring himself to, or maybe just that a portrait can’t express emotion in that way. Either way it was very interesting, and it goes along with what Martin’s said before about Dumbledore being a grief stricken old man, and very similar to Amos in that sense. That grief and emotion, and the inability to express it (especially at this point in the show) really makes sense.

I will never not love the potent look between Scorpius and Harry, once Albus has run away after telling Scorpius he can’t talk to him anymore. It’s such a guilty, heartbreaking thing. (Also, Mackley’s version of Albus running away is so gorgeous. It’s definitely one of those ‘vulnerable kid’ moments, which are so powerful beside the confident teenager he’s playing earlier in the scene. He so desperately needs his dad that he’s willing to throw everything away with Scorpius for a chance a his dad’s love.)

The DADA scene in this show was absolutely flawless. I’ve never loved Rakie’s Hermione as much as I did this time around. She usually has brilliant interaction with everyone in the scene, but this time in particular she had these really cool moments with all of them. I remember her catching Josh laughing and crouching down in front of him when she said the ‘what limited popularity you’ve got left line’ and then sort of repeating to him a couple of times that he should be quiet, while he looked utterly bemused and a little bit afraid. At one point she also told April off. Having said all that, she was a lot calmer and more contained in this show than others, and I think that was why I loved it so much – she has a tendency to play it too wild for my personal taste.

So last time I saw the play I discovered a new technical detail that I’ve never seen before. In the duel scene, as well as the handles on the back of Harry and Draco’s costumes to help them be lifted more easily, @ohscorbus and I noticed that Draco is wearing a sort of harness under his robes. I noticed it again in this one, and thought it was a fun little thing that’s super subtle and that people might miss.

Anyway, this was a fantastic duel. Possibly Jamie G’s best attempt at a Flipendo ever. He landed perfectly on his feet, and I was incredibly impressed. I think he was impressed too, because he ended up in the wrong place for the next spell while he was recovering from doing so well! He had to run across the stage, which I’ve never seen him do.

The best bit, though, was the bit after the duel. James Howard was exceptional in this one. He was the person in particular who didn’t anything especially stunning, but he exuded Draco to an extent I’ve never seen before even from him. Every detail was beautiful, and on reflection those details were even more breathtaking than they felt at the time.

I love it when he speaks so softly as he says “don’t lose the boy”. Draco means that line with every part of his soul. That experience and that sentiment is what makes him such a good and caring dad. He gets that sort of thing. He understands and identifies with Albus, whether or not he knows it, and that softness, the deliberateness, just proves it. I far prefer a quiet delivery to the louder ones. Counter-intuitively, it makes it much more direct and impactful.

I don’t know if I’ve said it before, but Samuel’s library scene is a work of art. Truly, it is a masterpiece. And I mean that in the highest sense of the word. Every single thing he says and does is so carefully crafted, into this wash of emotion and atmosphere. He holds the audience in the palm of his hand. This scene is why I want to have words with everyone who hasn’t given him an acting award yet. Because really. Really really.

Anyway, this was one of the best. This was beautiful. Because not only was Samuel firing on all cylinders, but Mackley was too. This was another instance of Mackley yelling himself into tears, and Samuel responded with emotion and anger and all the power and strength that Scorpius has inside him.

It was an angry, loud one. The tears were angry tears. And yet the bit about Astoria was so soft. (Don’t get me started on Samuel’s dynamics. I could write a novel.) Actually though, the best bits of stillness and quiet came in the second half of the scene.

One of the things Mackley does so incredibly well is having the confidence and courage to be absolutely still and hold an emotion on stage. He does it after Albus’s sorting, and he did it again here.

When they emerged from beneath the Invisibility Cloak he just stood at the back of the stage looking at Scorpius for the longest time, totally silent and still, and when he moved forward it was tentative and nervous, like he didn’t know if he was allowed to be near Scorpius anymore. The whole interaction was soft and slow and full of silent tension. Samuel always takes so long to say “thanks”, and normally Theo is waiting to jump straight back in again and go on with the apology, but Mackley didn’t. He took a pause that only built the tension and atmosphere between them.

When the hug in this scene finally came, Albus hugged Scorpius so hard that he actually lifted him off his feet. Samuel was not expecting that. He was so determined that Scorpius should not hug Albus back, that he ended up flailing his arms and feet around in the air in an attempt to kill his instincts for self-preservation. It was very sweet.

A final note on Part One. April has changed the line “girls and boys” to “boys and girls” a couple of times now. It makes the line feel very weird, but it is quite entertaining. I’d like to know if it’s deliberate, because she’s so confident about it that you really can’t tell.

Oh and one more, because I can’t help myself. I love how when Myrtle flirts with Scorpius, Samuel closes his robes over himself and makes himself all small, and then when she flirts with Draco, James hunches his shoulders and makes himself as small as he can too. It’s so sweet to see how much they really are father and son. These Malfoys are perfection.

It was an utterly gorgeous Part One. I loved every second of it, and it got me very excited for Part Two.

Part Two

This Part Two was such a slow burn of feelings that even now, over forty-eight hours later, I’m still suffering. I got very little from it in the moment, but it continues to slay me, which is a good part of why I’m writing this recap! The more I think about it, the more I love it. So I shall now make myself love it even more...

Samuel corpsing is my favourite thing. His ambition in life seems to be to make everyone on stage with him break, so to see someone else break him is a thing of beauty. I’m beginning to wonder if actually Elizabeth is trying to make him crack in the first scene of the act, by getting creepier and creepier. Anyway, whether it was deliberate or not, I think she managed it.

She sort of stroked Samuel’s cheek in this chillingly creepy way, and I’m pretty sure Samuel lost it for a bit. He was still sort of half grinning, half laughing in the next couple of scenes. But like I say, it’s difficult to tell sometimes if he’s broken or not, because he spends so much of his time smiling, and he also has Scorpius do all these anxious smiles when he’s very afraid, which he definitely is in this scene.

I love Leah’s Polly. I don’t think I have anything more to say about it than that... She’s great. I hope she stays next year and gets promoted, because she’s definitely my favourite Polly ever.

So the scene in Draco’s office. This has become (perhaps it’s always been) my favourite scene in the show. I love it with everything I have, and I love watching Samuel and James’s version – every one of their versions of it.

This was a very standard version of the scene. It had all the normal stuff that I’ve come to expect from these two. Samuel cried, Draco came out from behind the desk when I expected him to, Draco grabbed Scorpius’s chin and studied him... The usual.

Except this scene, on reflection, was so far from usual. It was stunning. Stunning for two main reasons.

First, when Draco emerged from behind the desk, he glanced over his shoulder at the door before saying “did your mother really say that of me?” I’ve talked to James about the possibility of Draco being undercover in this world, and I sort of take that as read in his portrayal at this point. So this glance over his shoulder was wanting to make sure no one would overhear this dangerous thing: how desperately he wanted to confirm that Astoria had said he was brave.

Second, after the chin grab he turned round and braced himself on the desk. This is powerful enough already, because he simply can’t face Scorpius when he says “can’t lose you too”. He’s trying to stay strong, but he knows he’ll break if he looks Scorpius in the eye. However, in this version there was an added level of potency.

As he said the line he ran his fingers round the edge of his wedding ring. He was so obviously thinking of how much it hurt him to lose Astoria, he doesn’t want anymore of her light to leave his life. Scorpius, this Scorpius in particular, is the last piece of hope that he has left to hold onto. He needs Scorpius so much in that world. Scorpius is his inspiration to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep up his Malfoy front and be who his family needs him to be. That single little run of fingers round the wedding ring has caused me a lot of pain in the last day or so. James is so rude, but I love him for it.

David’s writing on the blackboard is getting more obscure by the day, which is fun, but also a bit frustrating. It’s gone beyond the point where I know the phrase or can easily find it through google. This show’s one was ‘sapienter di-‘ so if anyone has any Latin intel and can help out with a translation, let me know!

Why is it that the covers are so good at getting hooked onto the Dementors, when the main actors do it every day and are still rubbish? I find it mind-boggling. Anyway, if Danny and Nicola ever end up doing a show together it will be the most stress-free Voldemort timeline we’ve ever seen.

I want to know what Draco says to Scorpius during their walk up to the castle together after the boys have returned from the lake. You can always see Draco talking to Scorpius, maybe telling him off, during the end of the scene by the lake, but he can’t be all angry, he must also be so relieved. I’d love to hear all that... I wonder if maybe after Draco is done telling Scorpius off he just stops talking, and it’s tense, awkward silence for the rest of the walk.

Josh as Karl in the bit with the kids eavesdropping on McGonagall’s office is really cute. Normally Mackley’s Karl does such a good job of comforting Rose, it’s one of his most lovely scenes, but Josh’s Karl really does not. He has no idea what to do. Craig and Yann end up coaching him through it, telling him he’s closest to her so he has to do something, telling him what it is he needs to do. And in the end all Josh’s Karl can manage is a really awkward little pat on the shoulder.

Mackley’s Albus’s relationship with Harry really shines in Part Two. This is also where we see the ‘confident teenager’ part of his personality come out. He’s so bold in his interactions with Harry. Where Theo’s Albus turns away, avoids eye contact, almost hides himself, Mackley’s Albus does the opposite.

In the dorm scene, when they’re sitting on the suitcase, Mackley has Albus turn to face his dad right from “Really scared you?” It turns from being slightly bitter and disbelieving to a real question, and Harry’s response to it shifts, towards amazement that his son doesn’t understand how scared he is of everything. It’s a real step on their journey, that with these two comes from Albus’s boldness.

The beginning of Scorpius and Albus’s dorm scene feels so empty without the pillow fight these days. It’s very weird.

The Owlery scene was pretty great in this one. Annabel and Mackley get on so well together that their interactions are brilliant, and then you have Samuel on the edge figuring things out on his own.

Scorpius realising Delphi was evil was really cool this time. He said “I don’t believe you were ever ill” so softly, like he was just disappointed in her. Disappointed and upset. She’d let him down by lying to him, when all he wanted was to trust her like Albus did. It was a lovely take on the moment.

Also, Annabel was kind of grabby, touchy feely with the boys. Delphi patted Scorpius on the knee; help Albus’s face, all the good stuff that makes her extra creepy.

This torture scene wasn’t just good, it was revelatory. Ever since the 17th of September, when I first saw Mackley with this cast, I’ve been on something of a journey of discovery with this scene. In that show, this scene really confused and disconcerted me. I found Mackley’s take on it so far from my concept of Albus (which he normally matches up with so well) that I was completely thrown off. And then, of course, I saw Theo do the same things that I’d seen Mackley do, but for some reason I preferred them then. So I’ve been figuring this one out, talking about it a lot, trying to understand where both Theo and Mackley are coming from, and I think I finally get it.

Mackley has Albus almost completely collapse in this scene. He’s still fierce, but that’s inspired by Scorpius, who’s the strong one, the one holding everything up. Scorpius is using everything he gained in the Voldemort timeline to be solid and keep fighting and refuse to be broken, and Albus latches onto that.

I don’t think Mackley nodded to say that yes he would go along with Delphi this time, but I’ve talked to both him and Theo about what it means when it does happen, and it’s a ploy. It’s to convince her that he’s going to go along with her, and buy himself and Scorpius (mostly Scorpius) time. And even if it’s not that, even if it’s just a total, fearful collapse, I can sort of understand that too.

The way Mackley plays Albus’s reaction to Craig’s death is to fall apart, all his fight and self-confidence imploding, and I see why. It’s not that event that destroys him, that’s just the tipping point, it’s that on top of everything that’s happened.

When Albus decides to destroy the Time-Turner, it’s because he’s already so broken by the thought of the damage he’s caused. This is a boy who (according to Theo) has nightmares about anything bad happening to his family. In everything that’s happened in the show to this point, all that Albus has done is hurt people, and he’s very much aware of that. He’s caused damage to the whole world, to his family, and to Scorpius, and in destroying the Time-Turner he set out to put all that right, but all he’s done is get someone else killed, for which he fully blames himself. So of course he collapses! It’s the despair of a kid who wants to do some good and still fucks up.

At his lowest point in this scene he must question whether he’s worthy of anything (Scorpius’s friendship, his dad’s love, any of it), if this is what his impact on the world is. Maybe this is what the Sorting Hat saw in him, this potential for complete and utter destruction.

In the context of a good, kind, loving boy, who just wants friendship and for his dad to appreciate him, it’s heart breaking. He’s heroic and noble, and so much like his dad – he takes the weight of everything on his shoulders. And for a kid like that to get to the point he reaches in this scene is devastating. It’s the opposite of everything he wants to be, and he really thinks it’s all his fault, even though so much of it has come from his manipulation.

So that was the revelation I reached, watching Mackley in this scene. I’ve finally come full circle, and figured out exactly where he was going with Albus on the 17th of September. I’ve learned a lot about Albus in the last three months, and I’m really glad I have, because now I can appreciate how that Albus that confused me so much is still the same as my Albus.

Another person who I had a minor revelation about in this show was James Howard. If you know me you’ll know that James has been my Draco ever since I saw his very first performance. I’ve loved him every step of the way. And on Saturday I managed to pin down one of the reasons I adore his Draco so very much.

James has nailed Draco’s instinct for both self-preservation, and the need to protect his son. He plays a Draco who has clearly learned so much from his life experiences, who knows how to behave in duels, and around instances of Dark Magic, and who knows how to do all sorts of difficult spells. But he’s also learned these sort of worldly instincts, things like how to handle hierarchy in a situation, when it’s his place to step in and fight, and when to let someone else take charge and trust that they’ll do a good job. When he’s functioning in a group and not as a lone wolf, he’s brilliant, despite his social awkwardness and how afraid he is.

He knows how to survive all sorts of situations, because he’s seen so much, done so much, experienced heartbreak and failure and true fear. Everything he does in the play is about survival, it’s that instinct to keep himself and his son going, whether it’s in the Voldemort timeline when he’s defending their position, or when he knows Scorpius has been kidnapped, or when he’s fighting Delphi with the group. He can manoeuvre around all those situations, and James makes that feel so real, like such a basic instinct for Draco.

He makes his acting choices, and the person he sees Draco as being, feel entirely real, entirely ingrained, and his thoughts and ideas are like pure instinct and mannerism. There’s no separation between him and Draco, and it’s an incredible thing that I’m in awe of and would love to know how he pulls off.

I’ve now seen Morag as the Station Mistress twice! I actually saw her first show, which I think was a surprise to the cast as much as to us – James McGregor was listed on the cast board, so that first time she was a last minute substitution.

The second time was definitely better from all sides. Having her as a surprise was very cool, but also sort of threw off the whole balance of the scene, and it was better with practice, because the boys had to switch up their lines, and she had to figure out where to stand on the stage to make the scene work.

I’ve spoken to a lot of people who seem to prefer Martin’s Amos to his Dumbledore, but I’m actually the opposite. Although I’ve warmed to his Amos now I’m used to it, I think the standout is his Dumbledore, which is really fascinating.

He gives Dumbledore so much fragility and pain. Although his Amos is a lot more solid-feeling than Barry’s, his Dumbledore really isn’t. His Dumbledore is fracturing at the seams and falling apart. It’s not a take I’ve thought of before, but I love it a lot, especially in the context of Martin’s theory that Dumbledore and Amos’s grief is what makes them so similar.

I can’t remember if I did Cackle Watch with Alex last year, but I’m certainly doing it with James. I have this theory that the destiny of everyone who plays Draco is to end up cackling when they say “maybe it’ll be mine soon enough”. I think it’s an inevitability of inhabiting that character for a year. It just happens. Alex did it, and now James is just proving the point, because every show he sneaks just a teeny bit closer to cackling there. At the moment it’s still a laugh (albeit an evil one), but soon... Soon we shall achieve full cackle.

Having raved about James, because I think he’s perfect, I do want to pull up one thing he does that’s getting increasingly annoying and frustrating with every show, and that is the way he delivers “she wanted me to have someone when she left”. He does this stupid, unnecessary, really fake pretend sob as he says it, and his voice cracks, and maybe it’s just me having seen him do it *cough* number of times, but it’s irritating, and I wish he’d stop.

The emotion he generates in that speech about Astoria and Scorpius is so beautiful, he does an amazing job, and I feel like the fake sob throws away all his hard work. It doesn’t need to be there to make him sound emotional. I’ve seen some absolutely stunning versions of that speech, and I wish he would have the confidence or whatever it is he needs to just see that through, rather than trying to ‘sound emotional’ and ruining the real, natural atmosphere he’s created.

A gorgeous thing he does in this scene, once he’s come back from the awful fake emotion, is to cradle the Time-Turner after Harry says “and nor will a Time-Turner, I’m afraid”. That thing contains all his hope of saving Astoria and Scorpius. It contains everyone he loves in the world. It’s all he has left at this point in the play. If the show ended after that scene, Draco would be left only with a gold Time-Turner, and the knowledge that he could search for centuries and never manage to get his beloved family back, and that is heartbreaking and wonderful. He cradles it like a baby, like he’s holding a much younger Scorpius safe in his arms, with so much gentleness. It’s Draco’s saddest moment of the play.

The best thing about a Mackley and Samuel show is Godric’s Hollow, when they just go wild. This wasn’t the wildest one I’ve seen from these two (I still fondly remember the 17th of September when it was both of their last shows before a break, and they went totally nuts and Mackley made Samuel corpse), but it was lovely, the culminating moment being when they both leapt into the air an inch apart and I truly thought for a second that we were going to get a dorky Scorbus chest bump, which might actually have killed me. They did not actually do a chest bump, but we were so close. I hope they do it one day. It would be wonderful.

I put in my bullet point plan of this recap that I should mention the snow in Mackley’s hair so... here we are. Mackley has the perfect hair for collecting snow. It just sits there, all nestled in the fluff. It’s great.

I have about ten thousand favourite things about Samuel’s performance, but one of my most beloved elements is what he does when the seven are looking for the perfect place to wait for Delphi. Obviously in the script, Hermione is the one who spots St Jerome’s as a great hiding place, but over the summer, Samuel started having Scorpius sort of point it out a few seconds before she spotted it. He would sort of look between here and the clock, and surreptitiously point. She didn’t notice for a long time, until one glorious show when she turned round and caught him. Ever since then, spotting St Jerome’s has become a collaborative effort between Scorpius and Hermione, and it’s such a sweet moment between them. I love that Samuel throws in fun little things like that.

At the line “It was Rodolphus Lestrange, Bellatrix’s loyal husband’ Annabel changes Rodolphus for Bellatrix, resulting in a momentary pause as she considered how to escape from this fuck up, and in which I freaked out, as I do when these things happen. She almost recovered perfectly. The line got a teeny bit warped but what can you do? The most astounding thing about it was that Annabel messed up a line, because I feel like she never does that! Everything is always so natural and in the moment, and flows so well, that it seems as though she is Delphi. She delivers the lines differently every show, just going with how the mood takes her, and it’s that naturalness that’s always so impressive with her.

The hug in this one between the Malfoys when Lily and James are being killed was utterly heartbreaking. When Voldemort was confronting Lily, Draco was already kissing Scorpius’s hair and trying to comfort him, and the second she was hit with the Killing Curse, Scorpius grabbed his dad as tight as he could and hid himself in his arms, with Draco cradling him and protecting him. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them hug so fiercely.

And then, to make everything worse, when the seven were spinning away on the turntable at the end of the scene, I could see Scorpius shifting his hands on his dad’s back, like he was trying to hold onto more and more of him, as much as he possibly could. There was so much desperate need, and love and support there. It was beautiful.

I love a good penultimate scene, especially when there’s adorable teasing and stuff going on.

Recently, when the staircase gets wheeled on at the start of the scene, Samuel has started bouncing around and getting all hyper and excitable before anything has even happened – it reminds me a lot of when he’s tapping his fingers together with excitement for the start of the dorm scene. His Scorpius is full of constant energy and hyperactivity – he must have been an exhausting child; I almost feel sorry for Draco and Astoria.

Mackley does a great teasing Albus. I remember him flapping his robes at Scorpius, laughing about Rose, all sorts. I think all the Albuses have picked up on the way Helen flails her robes when she says “Scorpion King”, and are determined to mock it. Also, I love Mackley’s “and she said no”, which is sort of sung all dramatic and opera style, and ends with him cackling. Like I say, teasing Albus is great.

I can’t talk about this scene without talking about Samuel’s delivery of the new version of us line, which is so utterly unacceptable, and only gets worse every time I see the show. He says it so slowly. It’s so painfully and beautifully uncertain and heartfelt. It’s like Scorpius is navigating his feelings along with the words. He goes so softly and carefully through it, picking his way from word to word, and it’s that uncertainty that makes it real, and gives it weight.

You can tell how important it is to Scorpius to say what he’s saying and say it well. And like he’s said at stage door, this is a moment where the boys know something has changed between them; that it’s something incredibly important, but not yet quite what it is or what it means. That is what Scorpius is trying to put into words here, and Samuel does it with such beautiful, tentative, meaningful perfection. I could write songs about the hope that the end of this scene brings. It’s exceptional.

I’m not going to end the recap on a low note by talking about Mackley’s pigeon racing line – just know that it was so cringey this show (the worst I’ve seen) that I almost crawled under my seat and hid. Other things from the final scene, though, include the ending of the fabulous arc Mackley sets up around Craig’s death and how it impacts on Albus, and ultimately on the repair of his relationship with Harry.

I also really want to touch on one of my favourite bits of meta from the show, which I’ve really grown to love recently. It requires a tiny bit of backtracking to the scene with Hagrid in the house after Lily and James’s deaths. At this point, the back wall of the theatre retracts, so there’s a gap between the brick wall and the arch detailing. It creates the effect that Hagrid really is standing in the ruins of a house, with just a barebones structure around him.

But at the end of this scene, the back wall stays retracted, and as the fire fades, the impression is not so much of a ruin, but of a structure, a scaffolding, something solid and new and bare that can be built around. And building is what’s happening in these last two scenes, when Scorpius and Albus try to figure out where their friendship is now, and as Harry and Albus tentatively explore how to be a good father and son for each other.

I absolutely love this tiny bit of a set design. I think it’s brilliant. Everything has been torn away, stripped back and laid bare. They’ve all revealed so much of themselves in the last Act, and now they’re starting from a new foundation. They’re going to start building something new together, using the tentative scaffolding of the experiences they’ve shared and the things they’ve learned, and it’s not going to be easy, but they’ll make it work. I think that back wall symbolises hope, and growth, and the future.

So there we go. A recap! It’s not full of every tiny detail (because I would have to write a novel and I don’t need to start a second one of those), but this show was good enough to be worth something, because it was so full of insight, and just such an interesting experience.

I’m a repeat viewer of this show because I always want to learn about the characters and the story and the technicality of this play, so any performance that teaches me as much as this one did is a real standout in my books.

[acciotomriddle]

Jegulus Fic: Rainbow

This was written as a gift for @havsgast  who wanted James and Regulus communicating through flower language

Zim, I know you’re having a rough day so I hope this cheers you up :)

Also on Ao3

Summary: James and Regulus start talking through the language of flowers and slowly fall in love (T rated)

“They mean love, you know.”

James turned his attention away from the red roses and towards the soft voice, surprised to see the amused grey gaze of Regulus Black staring back at him.

“What?” James asked with a frown. “The roses? Did you send these?”

The thought of Regulus sending him a bouquet of love-flowers made James’s heart jump in a pleasant way, which wasn’t something James wanted to think about right now. His head was a little bit fuzzy from the Firewhiskey, but not so much that he didn’t know he shouldn’t be ogling his best friend’s little brother.

“Me?” Regulus scoffed. “Goodness no! Roses are incredibly cliche, don’t you think? If I wanted to convey a message of love through flowers, I’d sent an althaea—a hibiscus—which means consuming love. Much more romantic and unique than-” Regulus sneered-“red roses.”

James blinked. “You’re a clever kid, Regulus, bad choices of yours aside.”

“Kid?” Regulus repeated with amusement. “I’m eighteen now, and only a year younger than you, might I add. And I’m trying to make amends for my bad choices, while you are currently making one by drowning your sorrows at a bar. So your girlfriend left you? Big deal! Move on and find someone better.”

James tried to glower, but Regulus’s smirk suggested he hadn’t quite pulled it off.

“I’m not moping over Lily if that’s what you think,” James ground out. “We argued and we fought, and we’re both better off apart. I’m just pissed I spent months pining over her only to have the real thing be nothing like the fantasy.”

“Well that’s the thing with relationships, isn’t it?” Regulus said pointedly. “They’re either the best thing to happen to you, or they break your heart. Imagination isn’t going to break your heart, but it’s not going to make you happy either.”

“You’re a weird kid, Regulus,” James retorted slowly, making Regulus scowl. “You’re here offering me deep love advice while your brother told me to go out and bang my way through every single attractive person I laid my eyes on.”

“Yes, well Sirius is asexual and deeply enamoured with your werewolf friend, so I don’t think his advice has much of a basis for validity,” Regulus smirked. As James’s eyes widened in horror he hastily added, “Don’t worry, I’ll keep Lupin’s secret. It didn’t take much to figure out what he was once you actually took a closer look into his life. Anyway, I’m going to leave you to finish drowning your sorrows, but I also recommend you drown those roses, too; if a secret admirer can’t think beyond roses to send a message then they’re really not worth it.”

- - -

James woke up the next morning to a big bunch of flowers on his windowsill, dark pink in the middle and white on the edges of the petals. A small note was attached that read:

James - You should try wearing one of these. Regulus.

- - -

It was only after James had fashioned himself a crown out of the flowers that he considered the possibility that Regulus hadn’t meant wearing the flowers literally. After all, Regulus had been talking a lot about the meaning of flowers.

As James knew nothing about plants, he decided to turn to somebody he knew who did.

Alice answered the door with a smile that turned into a frown as soon as she saw James.

“James?” she said loudly, glancing back into her house. “Sorry to be rude, but now isn’t the best time.”

“It’s fine, Alice,” a familiar voice spoke up, and moments later Lily appeared in the doorway.

James’s heart didn’t leap at the sight of her anymore, and for the first time it didn’t ache either. He would rather they be happy apart than unhappy together.

“Lily,” James murmured. “You look good; almost glowing, even. Anyway, I’m not here for a visit, Alice; I was just wondering if I could borrow a book or two off you.”

“A book!” Lily repeated with an amused smile. “Are we sure this is even James Potter?”

“Ha ha,” James retorted sarcastically, grinning. “I’ve, er, been trying to start gardening actually, and I know you’re big on the whole Herbology thing, Alice.”

Alice’s eyes lit up as soon as James mentioned Herbology, and she quickly ushered him inside the cottage and to the small library that she and Frank had set up.

“Really I just need something to help me identify plants and flowers,” James said as Alice began pulling book after book off the shelves. “And I heard there was something about flowers having different meanings; that sounded kind of interesting.”

Alice paused in her eager searching to fix James with an amused smirk.

“The language of flowers? That’s rather romantic, James,” Alice teased. “It doesn’t have to be, I suppose, because not all the meanings are positive ones but-”

“Do you have a book with the meanings in?” James cut in, causing Alice to roll her eyes, but a few moments later she reached for a book off the shelf and handed it over to him.

“Here,” she said. “This one will tell you every flower and plant to exist, Muggle and magic, and what they mean in flower language. There’s even big, colourful pictures.”

James knew Alice was teasing him, but big, colourful pictures always aided his studying; he was quite the visual learner.

“Thanks, Alice,” he beamed. “You’re the best.”

- - -

As James learned from the book, the white and pink flowers that Regulus had sent him were called sweet Williams, and their meaning was a smile.

You should try wearing one of these, Regulus had said. A smile—of course that made more sense.

James had to grin at Regulus’s sense of humour.

He searched through the book to find the perfect response, settling on sending Regulus a bunch of coral roses which symbolised appreciation. He scrawled a note to go with it, writing:

Hey, kid, I appreciate the flowers. Hope these roses aren’t too cliche for you. James.

- - -

Regulus’s response came with a bunch of flowers James discovered were called double Indian pinks which had pale pink petals with a dark pink centre. The note read:

You’re a twat, but it’s kind of endearing. The roses aren’t cliche at all in this case—I’m quite impressed you knew the meaning. I’ve got them on my windowsill now.

The book said the double Indian pinks meant always lovely.

James didn’t know if Regulus meant the roses or him, but the thought of it being the latter made James’s stomach flutter.

He sent back some lesser celandines, a small, vivid yellow flower that meant joys to come, and attached a note that read:

Meet me at the same bar tonight? 9pm?

Regulus’s response was one word—yes—with no flower but a single peach, which was still an option in the book.

Your qualities, like your charm, are unequalled.

No fruit had ever tasted so sweet.

- - -

James was comfortable with his sexuality. He’d known from being a young teenager that he was bisexual and he’d always been honest and open about that. A lot of people took his sexuality and his close friendship with Sirius to mean that he and Sirius were deeply in love, but honestly James had never been attracted to Sirius.

He could recognise that Sirius was attractive, of course, but James loved Sirius like a brother and it would never be anything more than that.

Regulus, on the other hand, had the handsome, aristocratic good looks of the Black family, but he was missing the brotherly bond with James. Regulus couldn’t be considered short, but he was a couple of inches smaller than James and Sirius, and was particularly lean and slender—the perfect physique of a Seeker. He had blood red lips and pitch black hair which stood out vividly against his pale skin and eyes, making his features rather striking.

James found him quite mesmerising, and he wasn’t sure why he hadn’t noticed until now.

Regulus met his gaze across the bar and smiled a smile that had James’s stomach fluttering.

“Hi,” James greeted lowly as Regulus approached him, extending a hand which clutched a green stem dotted with small, vivid yellow flowers. “For you.”

Regulus gave James a slow look up and down, smirking appreciatively as he took the flower from James. “Agrimony...meaning gratitude and thanks.”

“No need to show off, kid,” James grumbled, but he gave Regulus a sly wink. Pale pink began to stain Regulus’s cheeks at that, and James tried not to look too satisfied.

“I appreciate the sentiment,” Regulus smiled. “And for you.”

Regulus held out a rather delicate looking flower, with white petals that hung upside down.

“A snowdrop, I know that much,” James said, taking the offered flower. “I’m not a genius like you, though, and I don’t know the meanings without consulting the book I got on the language of flowers.”

“I’m not a genius; I’m just observant and have a good memory,” Regulus shrugged. “But colour me impressed that you’re actually reading a book, and it’s for flower language of all things.”

It was James’s turn to blush, and not for the first time he was grateful that it was hard to tell with his complexion.

“I read...occasionally,” James grinned. “Tell me then, not-genius; what does a snowdrop mean?”

“Hope,” Regulus answered simply, fixing James with a pointed look.

James’s heart skipped a beat. “Hope? For what?”

“I don’t know,” Regulus murmured softly. “Maybe we can figure that out together.”

- - -

Exchanging letters and flowers became a daily occurrence for them. Sometimes the flowers would have meanings, like the purple pansies that Regulus sent James—you occupy my thoughts—and sometimes they were just for aesthetics—like the bluebells James sent to Regulus after he’d seen them on a walk—these mean constancy which is true, but mostly I thought they looked nice.

Three or four times a week they would meet at the bar and chat for hours into the night, returning home in the early hours of the morning. Sometimes they would go home alone, but more times than not they would go home together. Sometimes those nights together were soft and gentle, while others were urgent and frantic, but they always left James feeling satisfied and content.

They hadn’t put a label on what they were, not feeling the need for one, but they worked as they were for now. James knew there was trouble coming—not only was he sleeping with the younger brother of his best friend, but Regulus was also not just a Death Eater, but a Death Eater who had repented and wanted to flee the grasp of Voldemort.

As he arranged the poppies he was about to send to Regulus, though, he realised he was happy for the first time in months.

Red poppies—consolation.

You’re mine, James wrote.

- - -

James didn’t even send a note, simply sending Regulus a bunch of the white, budding citron flowers; Regulus would know what they meant—sadness.

Regulus arrived not long after James sent them.

“Lily’s pregnant,” James said with a shrug, not moving from where he was sat in the corner of the room, legs curled up beneath him on the wooden floor, staring at the Floo where Lily’s head had been hours earlier. “Six weeks along. It’s mine; last thing we did before we broke up.”

“Oh.” Regulus frowned, crossing the room and gingerly taking a seat beside James, patting his knee. “Are you-” uncertainty filled his voice- “are you getting back together?”

“No! Merlin no!” James exclaimed quickly. “We both agreed a kid’s better off having two separate parents who are happy than unhappy parents who are together. But Lily said she wants me to be part of the baby’s life, and I want to be, but-”

“But what?” Regulus pressed softly as James trailed off. “Most parents are thrilled to hear this kind of news, not sad.”

“I’m sad because what am I bringing this child into?” James answered bitterly, folding his arms over his chest. “There’s a war raging on around us, for one thing, and for another, I’m nineteen. I’ll be twenty when the kid’s born, and I’ll still be a kid. A kid trying to stay alive and not get killed by a Dark Lord, at that!”

“You’re young, I’ll give you that,” Regulus agreed. “But I think you’ll make a great dad; you’ve got the character for it. My parents are fucked up but they managed to raise me and Sirius to be relatively alright people.”

James managed a laugh for the first time since Lily had told him the news. “Have you met your brother?”

“Valid argument,” Regulus smirked. “And yes, bringing a child into a world like ours isn’t the safest scenario, but the James Potter I know wouldn’t let a little fear rule his heart. Besides, just consider a child something more worth fighting for.”

- - -

Later, after James’s head felt clearer, helped a lot by Regulus’s visit, he sent a fresh bouquet to say thank you; deep pink roses.

Thank you for being in my life.

Once again he didn’t need to send a note.

- - -

Regulus also wrote no note as he sent back some Austrian roses, delicate red petals with a yellow centre.

Thou art all that is lovely.

- - -

James could scarcely believe Regulus had only been in his life for a month.

He’d known him for years, of course, but really he hadn’t known him at all. James had known Sirius and he’d known Lily, and he’d been so focused on them he’d missed what was right in front of him.

Regulus had made James’s life a rainbow of colours, flowers brightening his every day. James had even told Lily and Sirius that he was seeing someone—he hadn’t said who, because Sirius certainly wasn’t ready for that revelation—but they were both happy for him.

James was happy for himself.

They’d spent Boxing Day together, and Regulus had been loving and adoring, and seemed entirely carefree.

Which was why it was such a concern to receive the mixed bouquet of flowers from Regulus only two days later.

White and pale pink althaeae. Pink carnations. Blue michaelmas daisies.

Consumed by love. I will never forget you. Farewell.

James had never fled his home so quickly.

- - -

Regulus was still at Grimmauld Place when James arrived, but he had his travelling cloak on along with a sorrowful expression.

“Where are you going?” James demanded desperately, glancing down at the house-elf Kreacher who was glaring up at him disdainfully. “Have I done something? Are you going back to him?”

“No...no,” Regulus said softly, hanging his head. “Please, just go, James. You’re making this too difficult for me.”

“I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on,” James protested stubbornly. “Farewell? That’s not just goodbye—that’s goodbye forever. Tell me, Regulus. Please.”

“I-I have to do something; something that will hopefully help lead to the defeat of the Dark Lord,” Regulus admitted quietly. “I know I can do it, but I don’t think I’ll survive.”

In that moment, James would have rather have had Regulus say he’d fallen out of love with James, or that he was returning to serve Voldemort. Not…that.

“No,” James stated simply. “No, you can’t give up your life like that. We’ll go to Dumbledore or something; he’ll-”

“James,” Regulus cut in. “Please, I’ve made peace with my decision. Just go before I change my mind.”

“Like that’s going to make me go!” James scoffed. “I’ve just found you! I can’t turn away and leave you to walk to your death. What do you have to do? Why do you have to be the one to do it? Whatever it is, there has to be another way!”

“Have you ever heard of Horcruxes?” Regulus asked, and James shook his head. “You wouldn’t have done; it’s one of the Darkest kinds of magic there is. When you kill another person it breaks your soul, and it’s possible to take a piece of a broken soul and remove it to an inanimate object which becomes known as a Horcrux. So long as you have a Horcrux you can never truly die.”

“And Voldemort has one?” James replied bitterly, the words like acid on his tongue. “Dumbledore will know how to destroy it! Tell him all you know and he’ll help, I swear it!”

“I need to do this, don’t you see, James?!” Regulus cried. “I took the Dark Mark! I got involved with the Dark Lord without considering the consequences of my actions. I was blind to the truth and made bad choices, and I want to repent but that requires action. My sacrifice can lead to a better life for everyone else...for your child. It would be selfish of me to live.”

“You’re wrong,” James replied softly. “You’ve seen your mistakes and you want to make amends; that’s action enough. Come with me to Dumbledore, Regulus, and we can get rid of this Horcrux thing without losing you.” James’s throat went dry, his eyes prickling with wetness. “Please, Regulus; I don’t want to lose you...you might be afraid of being selfish, but I’m not; I love you, and I don’t want to let that go. Please…”

James offered his hand out, and Regulus glanced down at it before looking back to James.

“Am I allowed to be selfish despite all the bad I’ve done?” Regulus asked quietly. “Please tell me I can be, James.”

“Do it,” James urged. “Be selfish; we’ll find another way.”

It felt like forever, but finally Regulus took James’s hand.

- - -

James was beaming ear to ear as he hurried out to the waiting room where Regulus was waiting along side Sirius, Remus, and Hestia Jones—who was now dating Lily.

“It’s a boy!” James announced, heart swelling with pride. “Harry James, we’re naming him. The Healers said we can have visitors now.”

A smiling Remus and Sirius hurried ahead with Hestia, but Regulus hung back, clutching a bunch of baby’s breath flowers; tiny white petals on a narrow stem—pure heart and innocence.

“Congratulations,” Regulus said. “Being a dad suits you.”

“Being a dad is terrifying as all hell,” James corrected with a grin. “Here-” he reached for the flowers off Regulus, holding them tightly as he pulled Regulus into a warm hug, kissing the top of Regulus’s inky hair before he pulled away. “I hope you realise you’re an honorary step-dad.”

“Hmm, I understand that terror a little better now,” Regulus smirked. “Oh, for you,” he added, summoning a bunch of tulips towards him. “What better way to declare my love?”

James smiled. “I love them. I love you. I love Harry. Oh my god. I love Harry. I’m a dad, Regulus! I have a son.”

Neither of them could stop smiling after that.