#THIS ARTICLE DROPPING AFTER TWO HOPEFUL WINS IS COMEDY. but i’m not laughing much

[stromer]

i desperately need to study the brains in the canucks front office because you mean to tell me your team has a great couple of games, your two drama-ridden star forwards finally get some points, fans are happy, and your idea of a good pr move is to continue talking about how unfixable this rift is and they’re to blame for pretty much everything

[liberty-barnes]

Just Breathe

Tom Holland x Female!Osterfield!Bisexual!Reader

Summary: Childbirth waits for no one, not even the Oscars.

Warnings: fluuuuuff, pregnant reader, mentions of childbirth, good press articles, BISEXUAL READER WOOOHOOO

Word Count: 1.5k words

Estimated Reading Time: 6 minutes

A/N: heeeeey look @peterspideyy​ @parkersbliss​ that crazy idea i ranted to you about like six months ago finally got done! i can’t believe i did it... this feels too good to be true, is the world gonna end or something?

Masterlist 

"I don't think this is a good idea."

"Me neither."

"Please, just stay here."

You looked up to your brother and husband, frowning as you smoothed your hand over the soft black fabric of your gown.

"I am not missing the Oscars, Tom. I've still got two weeks until I'm due, it'll be fine."

You sat down on the bed and looked dejectedly at your shoes, then proceeded to throw puppy dog eyes your brother's way until Harrison had no choice but to kneel and help you put on your comfortable trainers. There's no way you're putting on your heels at 37 weeks of pregnancy.

"But what if Baby decides to come sooner? You could go into labour at any moment!"

You rolled your eyes and only raised your arms so they could help you out of bed.

"You guys are being over-dramatic. Nothing's gonna happen. We're just going to the Oscars, we'll have a good time, and hopefully, I'll leave with a little statue under my arm."

With that, you waddled out of your hotel room, ready to get into the limo.

---

"(Y/n)! It's so good to see you! You look radiant as always!"

You smiled at Kaitlyn, an interviewer you knew and trusted and rubbed your belly comfortingly. 

"Thank you, I feel like a whale, but Baby'll be here soon so it's worth it."

She smiled and asked you a bunch of questions about your movie and how you were feeling about being nominated for Best Actress.

"But anyway, how far along are you now?"

"I'm a little over 37 weeks, they should be coming soon. Tom and Haz were actually really apprehensive about me coming here since I'm so close to my due date."

She smiled and looked over at the two men, obviously on edge.

"Well, I wish you all the best and I sincerely hope you win."

You hugged her goodbye and posed for a few more pictures before being led inside by your husband.

---

"And now, for the moment you've all been waiting for..."

Everyone watched with bated breath as Brie Larson, last year's winner, got ready to announce who would take home the trophy.

"This year's winner, and taking home the Oscar for best actress in a leading role..."

Tom took your hand and you squeezed it tight, ready to applaud one of the other amazing actresses on their win.

"(Y/n) Holland, for her brilliant performance in Two Sides of the Same Coin!"

You felt like your heart was gonna beat out of your chest, run to that stage, kiss Brie, then promptly burst to flames out of sheer, unadulterated enthusiasm. Tom was hugging you and whispering how much you deserved it while your brother gently guided you to the podium. None of them would ever allow you to go up there on your own. Always one in front of you in case you trip forward and one behind you to catch you if you fall back.

Overprotective much?

As soon as you reached Brie, you hugged her tight (or as tight as you could with a human baby house separating you), taking the award while the two boys hugged her too.

"Holy Louis Tomlinson in a crop top."

The audience laughed, most of them already familiar with your strange One Direction inspired expressions.

"Wow, I didn't actually think I was gonna win this, everyone had such amazing performances. I-It's an honour, really. Two Sides of the Same Coin was a project very near and dear to my heart, so I'd like to thank the amazing Drew Barrymore, who wrote and directed the movie."

The room erupted in cheers and the woman smiled at you from her place on the front row.

"Bisexual representation is something we don't get very often, and when we do, it's always misjudged. So thank you for showing the world what bisexuality really is, and for giving me a chance to live out my dreams of kissing lots of people. This idiot tied me down too soon."

You pointed behind you at Tom, hearing his appalled squeak along with Harrison's guffaw of a laugh. 

In other news, the baby was starting to inconvenience you slightly. Baby had been going crazy since last night (not that you'd tell the boys) and the Braxton-Hicks were killing you, but it only got worse now.

"I'd also like to thank my amazing costars, Zendaya, Bella Thorne, and Owen Patrick Joyner, it was awesome to make out with you all..."

The crowd laughed while you felt something trickle down your legs.

Oh.

OH.

You'll never live this down, that's for sure.

"Uh, before I finish can one of you idiots call the car and get them to come to the exit please and thank you? Now as I was saying-"

"Wait, why?"

You turned to your brother and smiled innocently.

"Oh, my water just broke."

The crowd cheered.

Tom screamed.

Harrison fell to the floor, unconscious.

You sighed.

"New plan, can anyone try to wake my brother while my hus-" 

You looked at Tom, frantically doing small back and forths between you and his best friend, unsure of what to do. 

"-While someone else calls the car because both of them are apparently useless."

"We need to get you to the hospital!"

His terrified scream could be heard all through the room, even with no mic.

"What? No! I need to finish my acceptance speech, then go back to the hotel to shower and maybe take a little nap and then go to the hospital. My water just broke, Thomas, we have time, calm your tits."

You turned back fully to the mic, facing the hysteric faces of the crowd, very entertained by the exchange.

"Now as I was saying, I want to thank the amazing team that worked on this movie, you're all amazing and it was such a good experience. I'd also like to thank my family for always being there for me and supporting me and Haz in our acting careers. Thank you to my brother, even if he's unconscious right now, he'll just watch it on Youtube later, for literally forcing me to go to the audition. And lastly, I'd like to thank my wonderful husband, who hopefully hasn't passed out yet, for always supporting me and being my biggest rock through everything. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to deliver a baby, you know, just normal Saturday night stuff."

---

An Oscar in hand and another... down her legs?

(Y/n) Holland sure gave the Oscars something to be entertained by on this last Saturday. The wife of fellow actor Tom Holland looked radiant in her custom-made Valentino dress, looking ready for a night of fun.

(Y/n) was nominated for this year's Best Actress in a Leading Role award, alongside Meryl Streep, Margot Robbie, Cate Blanchett, and Tessa Thompson, but the Oscar went to her from her brilliant performance in Two Sides of the Same Coin. But it was during her acceptance speech that things got... slippery.

At 37 weeks of pregnancy, the Holland baby was ready to come at any minute, but apparently, theatrics run in the family. The actress was in the middle of her speech when she felt her water break, pausing in her talking to request a car be called.

You'd think her husband, Tom, and brother Harrison Osterfield, overprotective as they are, would be fully prepared! Unfortunately for them, and fortunately for our entertainment, they were not. Harrison went unconscious after hearing the news, dropping to the floor and earning himself a minor concussion, much to his sister's amusement

[image1-harrison-ice-pack.png]

@ynholland: "Don't worry, when you go into labour, I'll be with you every step of the way." Said Harrison Osterfield, then proceeded to pass out, get a minor concussion, and miss the whole delivery.😂 Good job, little bro👍

And just when you thought she couldn't get any better, she finishes her acceptance speech with: "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to deliver a baby, you know, just normal Saturday night stuff." We have no choice but to stan this iconic queen!

But for the news you've all been waiting for, Oscar Robert Holland (yes, the middle name is a homage to Robert Downey Jr. himself, we're not crying, you are!) was born just twelve hours later. Tom let know through a beautiful Instagram picture that he is in fact "perfectly healthy and loved by everyone already".

[image2-tom-and-oscar.png]

@tomholland2013: I present to you, my best creation to this date: Oscar Robert Holland. Thank you all for your prayers and kind messages, our boy is perfectly healthy and loved by everyone already❤️

But of course, Uncle Haz wouldn't stay behind.

[image3-haz-and-oscar.png]

@hazosterfield: Since I know you've all been worried sick and desperate to know how the baby is... I'm doing just fine, it's just a minor concussion :) Oh and my godson's great too.

And just to prove that the Osterfields are indeed the royal family of comedy, we leave with this wonderful picture posted to the happy mum's very own Instagram.

[image4-yn-and-oscars.png]

@ynholland: Guess I was so good they gave two Oscars instead of one ;)

-Written by Kaitlyn Storm

so anyway, Two Sides of the Same Coin is a movie idea i got a while ago and should maybe try to write one of these days but oh well or something. anyway, i’m not gonna rant about it here cause it’d be too long but i hope you enjoyed this and don’t forget to like/comment/reblog if you feel like it!

-Love, Miah

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────» 

Taglists: (if your name is striked through it means for some reason tumblr wouldn’t let me tag you) 

PERMA TAG 

@adriannajackson123​ @theamazingtomholland​ @inlovewithmobtom​ @andycanbeemotional​ @officiallyunofficialperson​ @lost-in-the-stars03​ @jeezkiddo​ @a-singleboat​ @wunder-13 @highlydisfunctional1​ @ellyseveronica​ @inthecornerchair​ @harishaanne​ @anjalika03​ @lozzypoz321​ @mendes-marvel​ @sovereignparker​ @bubbles-the-powerpuffgurl 

 MARVEL ACTORS 

@sarcasticallywitty15​ @agentnataliahofferson​ @onelovesr​ @agentnataliahofferson​ @parkerpetertingle​ @juliebean247​ @frustratingpaperclip​ @tacobacoyeet​ 

HOLLAND & CO. 

@sarcasticallywitty15​ @agentnataliahofferson​ @onelovesr​ @agentnataliahofferson​ @zeusmyster​ @parkerpetertingle​ @juliebean247​ @joyleenl​ @quaksonhehe​ @clara-licht​ @frustratingpaperclip​  @tutuabby28​ @tacobacoyeet​ 

LGBTQ+ 

@quaksonhehe​ 

[all-might-can-smash-me]

Gamble

Toshinori Yagi x Reader

Summary: a card battle ensues between you and the up and coming ‘symbol of peace’ All Might. Based during Toshinori’s younger years doing hero work in America to gain experience without having to worry about All For One.

Masterlist

———————————————————————

You brought the cigarette that sat lazily between your fingers up to your lips, taking a quick puff as you scribbled along the many pages that sat before you, their words and punctuation now swimming in a jumbled mess before your tired eyes. Though the headline that had interrupted the usual football match or any sports match on the tv mounted above the bar you sat in caught your attention. “All Might makes appearance in America!” Though you only scoffed as you shook your head in disappointment.

“Turn that shit off....I’m already having my news agency up my ass about this guy anyway....all they want is an article...a scoop....” you exasperated out, the bar tender only giving off a laugh and muting the sound from the tv, continuing to figit with the glasses waiting to be filled, the towel that had passed over the counter top too many times now, and with constantly darting his eyes to the front door.

“Well, I don’t blame them, this guy shows up out of no where and he’s already dropping crime rates down in this area like it’s nobody’s business.” He spoke out with another chuckle, already filling up your wine glass again when you gave the ok as you continued to read over the article in front of you, red ink littering the black and white page before you.

“Yeah, I know and plus he’s some newbie all the way from Japan only here to get some experience as well.” You added as you snuffed out the cigarette in the ash tray that sat off to the side. “It’s insane, this guy comes here from Japan and makes almost an instantaneous difference over night...while he’s fresh out of a hero course in Japan? Let me tell you...it’s going to be a sad day when he gains the experience he needs from being here, I got a feeling it’s gonna be soon since he’s already been here for a couple years.” You spoke as another cigarette was lit, but the conversation you held with the bartender was dissolved as the door chimed, signifying a new patron had entered. The chime was your cue to continue to edit the article before you.

You paid no mind to when the new costumer had decided that empty stool beside you was worthy in the seemingly empty and slow business of the bar that evening. Though upon glancing up to the bartender, they only stood there in shock upon looking to the person beside you, which you soon finally shot them a glance.

All Might, the All Might of all people was sitting beside you.

You only looked back down to your paper though with a shrug of your shoulders as you continued your work. No way it was real, maybe you were just over working yourself.

“You must be smart....like a uh...novelist, right?” That voice brought you back down to earth, shoving away the theory that it was all an illusion down into the garbage pile within your mind. So it really was All Might seated beside you. Your lucky day, you guessed.

“Novelist? I wish....I’m an editor and writer for ‘California Sun’, basically a glorified gossip column your everyday snooty housewife would read for the ‘latest news’ of the world.” You joked as you took a puff from the cigarette you had ignited moments ago, pen resting on the pages before you. “But it must be my lucky day, I was just editing an article about you...” you said with a smirk.

“Me? I hope it’s not too bad....mind sharing a bit?” He questioned, waving over the bartender to quickly order a drink. The massive man, in comparison to you, was already leaning over a bit to take a peak at the article and the many, MANY red inked corrections.

“Mm....nope.” You said you flipped over the pages to the blank side of the final page, hand reaching out to shake off the ash from your cigarette. “That would be leaked information with it coming from such a ‘reliable’ source.” You said sarcastically, glass of wine now brought up to your lips to take a quick sip.

“Come on...my curiosity is too much to handle you know.” He said, his body now facing you as his fingers gently tapped the side of the beer bottle that was slowly rolling it’s condensation onto the wooden bar it rested up. “I’ll uh....” he mumbled out as he finally grabbed a pack of playing cards rested off to the side for the paying patrons of the bar to play with. “Play you for it, three rounds of Cadillac, best out of three.” He said with a grin, cards already freed from it’s cardboard box and being shuffled.

“Hm...ok, If I win, I get to keep the secret from you....” you confirmed as you now moved upon the stool you sat on to face him, watching his burly hands sloppily try to shuffle the deck. Though you simply reached forward to take it from him to do it yourself, beginning to deal the cards.

“Yes and if I win, you’re gonna have to tell me what’s in the article....and maybe a number?” He questioned with a hopeful smile, a brow quirked up as he now had his three cards within his hands. He had begun his turn though when you gave him a nod of approval as he reached for the deck the sat between the two of you.

“Hm....I’ll think about that number request.” You said with a wink as you now looked to the three cards within your hands, face scrunched in thought as you finally did your turn.

Soon the turn was his again. You couldn’t help but laugh as he glared down at the cards within his hands, trying to decided what path he should take in this round. Finally he picked up a card and discarded one, leaving it back to you, though you only raised your hand to knock it upon the wooden countertop of the bar, a worried look now plastered upon the prohero’s face.

“A knock? Already? Is that even possible?!” He questioned worriedly as he rose a hand to scratch at his temple as he stared down to his cards.

“Oh, I forgot to mention....I’m kind of a pro at this game...” you said with a giggle as you shrugged your shoulders. “By the way....this is your last chance to either possibly get 31 or higher than me...” you said teasingly, All Might only rolling his eyes.

“I know...I know....” he muttered, fingers gently stroking his chin before he finally did his turn. Your cards were now placed neatly upon the table.

“I got 28...” you said with a proud smile, now awaiting for his card reveal, which he gently tossed it down next to yours.

“I only got 10....I couldn’t decide what suit I wanted to stick with...” he admitted as he gathered the cards up, already beginning to try and shuffled again, which you allowed him to do this time, it being his turn to deal now.

“Still got two more chances big guy, don’t give up so soon.” You teased, your cigarette snuffed out with all the other ones from your time at the bar, hands now gathering the cards that were being dealt again. The bartender watched with interest as you had the first turn, which you completed quickly and so did All Might. A silent battle of the cards ensued until finally a smug smile stretched onto All Might’s face as he placed his cards down.

“Cadillac!” He happily shouted out as he watched you toss down your cards with a sigh. Neck and neck with this bet. Though you soon gathered the cards with a roll of your eyes

“Still got one more round....don’t jinx yourself now.” You warned with a tiny smile as you shuffled the deck and soon dealt the cards. Even if it was some silly game and bet, you still wanted to win thanks to your competitive habits beginning to surface as the turns between you and the hero ensued. Though after a few turns, you decided to knock you knuckles against the bar again, looking at All Might expectantly, though truth be told, you were unsure of your decision.

“You sure do like to knock....” he mumbled out as he automatically reached for the deck between you and him, taking the card from the top carefully and bringing it to his hand, where he froze. A smirk grew upon his face as he discarded a card from his hand soon laid it out before you.

“Cadillac!” He shouted again, doing a dorky victory dance while still seated in the stool, though you only looked to his cards that were now placed onto the counter, you setting yours beside his with a pout.

“I can’t believe it....you beat me....now I guess I have to share with you my top secret, confidential information I got from a highly reliable source...” you said in a dramatic joking way as you gathered the article you were editing.

You cleared your throat for an extra measure of comedy, soon beginning to read “All Might visits local animal shelters, adoption skyrockets, almost putting breeders out of business as he expresses the need to adopt, NOT SHOP!” You read out, gaining a snort from him as he grabbed the papers from you, blue eyes scanning over the pages as soft bits of laughter erupted from him.

“How you managed to get a few pages of an article out of a simple appearance at an animal shelter is beyond me, I’m impressed and it’s actually really good.” He complimented as he handed back your work, which you offered him a shy smile at his compliment.

“Thanks...” you said, beginning to grab your satchel to put away your work. “But I actually have to go now or I’ll be a walking zombie for work tomorrow.” You spoke as you stood up, though you soon reached a hand to him “Give me your arm big guy.” You beckoned.

“What....my arm?” He questioned, a bit confused as he slowly gave you his arm to which you rolled up the sleeve of his jacket, pen already beginning to scribble something on his arm.

“Yeah, for my number, I thought it over and I deemed you ok enough to have it. Call me from 5:00 pm until maybe 11 o’clock when I’m not asleep yet, that’s when I’m free at home.” You said as you capped the pen, sitting it absentmindedly down on the counter. “So see you around All Might.” You called out as you exited the bar, leaving the hero to stare down at the bubbly handwriting upon his arm. Though he soon looked over to the pen you left behind, grabbing a hold of it and getting up, tossing down money to pay for his drink tab.

“Hm....Mr.Pen....I hope you are ready to be my accomplice for later when I use you as an excuse to meet up with her again.” He muttered down to the inanimate object as he stepped out of the bar and onto the dark streets of the noisy, city night.

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 33

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.2k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- you can send me questions and theories and comments. tbh they all make me SO SO SO SOOOO HAPPY! and make me want to write more! you can also tell me if there are things you WANT to happen. you never know, i may add it :P

- note for this chapter: sooo uhm, im not getting many comments these days sooo is this story still good? also, keep sending ideas for this story! i’ll try to add as many as i can. ALSO: if you guys know about things Niall did in 2016 and when he did it, MESSAGE ME! i really need a timeline, thanks!

Chapter 33 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

The pub was not too crowded and as soon as I sat at a table, Niall sent me a smile and bent down slightly to kiss me. Every single time, it made my whole body throb. I think the fact that we were together now hadn't sunk in yet and when he kissed me, it still felt unreal, like I was imagining it or simply hoping for it. But it was true, and every time it hit me, I felt a wave of excitement wash over me.

"I'll get us beer, just find a table."

I frowned as he left until I realized he meant a pool table. I got up again, happy that I left my purse in the car, and grabbed two sticks and a rack. Niall came back and handed me my beer before taking one of the sticks. I put my mug on the nearest table and tilted my head as I looked at him apply chalk to the tip. Just looking at him doing that made me realize I was going to lose, there was no doubt about it.

"So, you're gonna show me how to play?" I asked, feeling my lips curl as he looked up at me.

"Yeah." he smirked, grabbing the rack before looking up at me. "Just so I can put my arms around you."

"And feel my ass against your crotch." I added, rolling my eyes with a smile. "I've seen those movies, too."

This time, he laughed and handed me the chalk and I did exactly what he did with it only a few seconds ago. He placed the balls in the rack and took it off, leaning against the table with his stick, ready to start. I stared at him as he licked his lips before looking up at me and raising his eyebrows.

"It doesn't matter." he just started, giving a short and quick hit on the balls. "All that matters is that i'm gonna win."

My eyes followed the balls and I raised my nose up, biting my bottom lip. Of course he was going to win, there was no doubt about it, but I would definitely try my best. It was not until he put himself behind me and moved his arms around me that I finally relaxed and decided that victory wasn't that important, after all.

"Okay, place your hands like that."

I felt my eyes flutter at the feeling of his breath on the skin of my neck while his hands grabbed mine ti place them on the stick and my lips curled before I turned my head slightly to look at him. He noticed my gaze and moved his head slightly my way, sending me back my smile. Our lips were almost touching and I liked it.

"Liv, focus." he insisted, raising his eyebrows but still smiling.

"I am." I argued low. "I'm focusing on the most important thing in this room."

His eyes dropped to my lips and without thinking I licked them quickly. To say I loved Niall was an understatement and to say I lusted him was an euphemism. I needed to get rid of those fears as soon as I could to live this relationship the only way it should be lived : intensely and plenty.

"How about you do like those movies you just talked about?"

This time, it made me chuckle and slowly, I pushed my ass against him. I watched as he closed his eyes and it made me chuckle again. He groaned and I did all I could to stop myself from kissing him.

"I'm buying a pool table tomorrow." he just pointed out, pushing himself against me and making me raise my eyebrows.

"Why?"

"Just so I can fuck you on it."

I let out a laughter and put the sticks away on the table, turning in his arms to face him and wrapping my arms around his neck. His face expression changed and I noticed fondness in the way he was looking at me. I wanted him to kiss me and somehow, I felt like he wanted it too, but he glanced around and finally took a step back, grabbing his stick back.

"Too much pda always turns into way too many online articles." he pointed out with a weird smile. "Trust me."

I couldn't hide the hurt on my face but at the same time, I understood. I knew that by dating Niall, it would never be a 'normal' relationship. Of course, it was a bit harder for me to understand because I was not a celebrity and that's probably why Niall dated girls who knew exactly what it meant, even if sometimes, they didn't feel the same way about how to handle things, like with Maya and that instagram picture. I almost wanted to go back home now so I wouldn't have to check every single action i would do but I decided it was not worth ruining our first official date.

We finished the game and although I lost, I realized how much fun it was to be with him, just like it was when we were just best friends. it made me think that we would never be just best friends anymore, that time was over. We would either always stay together as lovers, or break up and become ex lovers and maybe even stop talking completely. That thought made my heart twist in my chest but I quickly shook my head to get rid of it. Niall and I had been dating for about 24 hours, it was ridiculous to be afraid of something like this for now.

We quickly finished our drinks and walked back in the cold weather of winter. It started snowing though and the cold wasn't as rough as it was a few hours earlier. I felt his fingers grip mine as we walked back to the car and I squeezed them quickly.

"I'm sorry." he let out after a few minutes of silence. "I didn't want to ruin this date."

I felt my heart melt and my traits softened as I turned my head to send him a smile. It was so futile, so unimportant, and I didn't want to put energy into analyzing it.

"You didn't."

He stopped right in front of his car and turned to me, his hands reaching for my face and I tilted my chin up, waiting for his lips to meet mine. His mouth was warm and it was a great contrast with the rest of my body. The kiss was slow but deep and I just decided to enjoy this pda he was not supposed to give me.

"Come on, let's go back home." he whispered, his lips brushing against mine.

"Which one?" I asked with a grin, making him chuckle and smile too.

"I was thinking mine, but I can bring you back to yours if you prefer."

We stared at each other for a few seconds and I finally shook my head, making him peck my lips again. The ride home was silent, but not an awkward silence, and when he parked in his driveway, we both got out and walked to the door. He searched through his pockets and groaned before sighing.

"Just a second, I think I forgot my keys in my car."

I nodded and watched him leave but finally leaned on the door as I grabbed my cellphone to check the notifications I could have received. I didn't really have time to see anything and I jumped in surprise when a snowball hit me on the arm. My jaw dropped and I frowned, half-shocked and half insulted, and my eyes moved up only to see my boyfriend smirking at me and raising his eyebrows.

"Bet you didn't see that coming, did ya?"

Slowly, I put my phone back in my purse and left it next to the door before walking down the few stairs and closer to him, but still remaining at a fair distance.

"You planned this, didn't you?"

He chuckled and smirked even more.

"Oh ya, the minute I proposed that date." he confessed without shame. "I know you, you're proud enough to play the game."

I pressed my lips together and my nose raised up, a bit annoyed that he was right. I bent down to grab snow in my hand, molding it into a ball with both my hands and just shrugged.

"I am." I just admitted. "This game though, you're gonna lose."

I threw my ball as fast as I could but he started running and without thinking, I ran after him as he laughed.

"Wow, Liv!" he let out sarcastically with an other laughter. "You only missed by like, a mile!"

"Shut up, Niall!" I let out a bit too loud, grabbing more snow quickly as I kept running before throwing it at him.

He laughed again and I dodged one of his snowballs with my elbow, feeling my heart jump in my chest knowing how close it was to my face.

"You're gonna pay for that!"

This time, I caught his chest and he looked so surprised that I had time to throw him an other snowball that hit his right leg. I don't know how long it lasted but I ended up tripping on my own feet and grabbing myself on the back of his coat, making us both fall on the ground. I could hear him pant in-between laughs and I did too with a big smile on my lips. I stared up at the sky, watching the snowflakes fall from the black sky and came to the conclusion that I was happy. I had never felt happier in all my life.

Niall rolled around and ended up on top of me, hiding a big part of the sky from me, but my lips curled in a fond smile. The sight of him with snowflakes falling around his head was incredible and I wanted to remember it forever.

"I love you, Niall." I let out without thinking.

His face softened and his eyes roamed on my face before he moved closer and kissed me again. His lips were cold now but he tasted just as good. I could feel his nose rub gently against mine as he moved his head to kiss me from a different angle. I didn't move. I didn't even bring my arms around him. I just took it all in, all the love and affection he was giving me. It was like a tank I needed to fill and it had been almost empty for so long that I felt like It would never overflow.

"I love you too, Olivia."

I kept my eyes closed as he talked and after a while, he moved off of me and got up. I opened my eyes but didn't move and finally just started moving my arms and legs to make an angel in the snow. It made him laugh and when I was done, he held his hands out for me to help me up, making sure the angel I made remained intact.

"Cold?"

I chuckled but nodded frenetically.

"Okay, how about cuddling inside?"

                                                         ---

It took us about fifteen minutes to get inside, get changed, get prepared, and end up in his bed. I stared at the ceiling as I waited for him and when he got out of the bathroom, I expected him to turn the light off but instead, he walked up to me and pulled the covers off me to lay on top of me.

"I'm better than blankets to keep you warm." he just pointed out, making me smile.

His smile reached mine and he kissed me again, holding himself on his elbows on each side of my head. It always felt incredible when we kissed and I didn't care how cheesy and eye-rolling it could sound. I wanted to feel my heart jump in my chest every time his lips touched mine for the rest of my life.

"You know what you asked me when we were eating?" I let out in a low tone, making him frown and back away slightly.

"Maybe we could do that now." I proposed after he nodded.

His eyes traveled from my eyes to my lips and back to my eyes.

"You don't have to if you're not ready, no pressure, you know that, right?"

His voice was soft and it made a shiver run in my back, making my lips curl into a fond smile.

"I really want to."

This time, his smile changed into an amused and happy one and he moved off of me to sit in bed. I did the same, leaning against the headboard, and started nibbling on my bottom lip. I was scared, a bit embarrassed, too, and I could feel my whole body throb due to how nervous I was suddenly. I swallowed and breathed in but when he put his hand on my knee, I felt my body relax a bit.

"Take your time."

It was ridiculous to be so stressed for something to normal, right? Was it normal to be scared that my own boyfriend wouldn't find me attractive? To be scared that I would look stupid? Was it normal to be scared that I wouldn't turn him on?

I squirmed a bit to take my pants off and let them fall on the floor, next to his bed, and spread my legs a bit. His eyes immediately fell down as I slipped my hand over my panties, making him look up at me.

"Last time you did that, you were thinking about me." he reminded me. "Are you gonna think about me this time, too?"

I let out a low chuckle and nodded, licking my lips and leaning my head on the headboard too. I slid two fingers on my slit and my legs tensed a bit. The way he was looking at me was turning me on and I couldn't stop thinking about how good it would feel to finally make love with him, to feel him deep inside me for the very first time. I was getting horny and I could feel myself get wet as I pressed my fingers against my panties more.

"Petal, please." he let out in a very low tone. "Take your panties off."

"Do it yourself."

Without waiting, he slid his fingers in the hem of my panties and I moved my ass up to help him before he dropped them on top of my pants, on the floor. Both his hands reached for my knees and he spread them as I held my breath. I knew he had seen me naked only a few hours before but I couldn't help but be nervous about it.

"Fuck..."

He was staring between my legs and i brought my hand back over my pussy, sliding a finger on my slit and biting my bottom lip hard. I pushed two fingers inside me and his lips parted. I brought my other hand, using two fingers to rub my clit too as I fucked myself slowly and gently and I heard him groan. He moved closer and reached for the bottom of my shirt, moving it up over my breasts and running his fingertips gently on them. I felt my eye roll back at the feeling it brought me and I let out a soft whimper. I started finger fucking myself harder, bringing myself closer to an orgasm, and when I opened my eyes, I saw my boyfriend palming himself through his sweatpants.

"Do it." I just said, waiting patiently until he took his dick out and my legs tenses again.

I looked at him stroking his cock while looking at me masturbating and I didn't know if the sight or the thought was more exciting.

"I can literally hear how wet you are, fuck."

He groaned again and it brought a rush inside me, making me close my legs and stop touching myself.

"No, no please."

With his free hand, he pulled on one of my knees and stared again between my legs, his hand still around his cock, and I could barely believe it was happening.

"Don't stop, just cum." he let out in a low but firm tone. "I want to watch you cum."

I did as I was told, biting my lip harder than before as I kept touching myself. My eyes kept traveling from his face to his hand and it only took a few minutes for me to reach an orgasm.

"Niall, i'm cumming..."

I didn't need to tell him. I started shaking and moaning louder as my eyes fluttered close. I kept touching myself through my orgasm and all the nervousness and stress suddenly left my body. I felt lighter and my lips curled before I opened my eyes again. The way his hand moved harder on his cock made my heart jump in my chest. Without thinking, I dropped down on the floor and put myself between his legs, looking up in his eyes.

"You really don't have-"

I didn't let him finish, I just took his dick in my mouth, feeling it slide on my tongue, and started sucking on it. He let out a curse word and I started going quicker and harder on him. I felt his fingers slide in my hair and grip it, holding my head down for a few seconds as he moaned a bit louder.

"Fuck, you're gonna make me cum."

The thought made me feel dizzy again and I brought one of my hands on his cock to stroke him at the same time while the other one reached for his balls. His hand grabbed my hair tighter and he stopped moving as he came. I felt the taste of his cum invade my mouth and tried to swallow what I could, feeling some slip out of my lips. He finally let go of my hair and I pulled away, wiping my mouth quickly and sitting on my legs. My knees hurt despite the carpet on the floor and I felt embarrassed for a reason I ignored.

I felt his hand under my chin and looked up as his thumb started brushing against my cheek. He sent me a satisfied and fond smile and I grinned back softly at him.

"You didn't have to, but thank you." he whispered, his eyes never leaving mine. "I love you."

I moved back up on my knees and he bent down to kiss me. I was a bit surprised when he deepened the kiss but I didn't say anything and let him taste himself for a while. When he pulled away, he smiled again and made a quick head movement before laying down in bed. I got up and walked to the door to turn the lights off before joining him in bed. We remained silent for a few minutes and I finally turned my head his way.

"Was it okay?"

He turned his head to look at me and I blinked a few times as I tried to get used to the darkness.

"Which part?"

"Everything." I just shrugged.

"It was perfect." he quickly answered, now turning his whole body my way and bringing his hand on my cheek. "Everything was perfect. You're perfect."

I chuckled a bit and shook my head but decided not to argue with him.

"Thank you for trusting me."

His words hit me hard and I realized he seemed to know exactly how I felt and how tough it could be for me. I didn't think he could understand but he was proving me the opposite and it made my heart melt. I have loved Niall my whole life but I knew I had never loved him more than now that we were together. I was seeing him in a different way, a way I never thought i'd get to live... a way I desperately needed. I was the luckiest person in the world and I knew it.

                                                       --

When Niall decided we would decorate his tree a few days later, it made me roll my eyes. We did it every year, it was true, but it was the first time we did it as a couple. I knew how anal Niall could be though and I knew how perfect his tree had to be.

"Ditch the white lights, let's add colors this year!"

He turned to me and glared at me, making me roll my eyes as he placed a box of decorations on the floor.

"You need to make concessions sometimes, Niall, you know?"

He opened the box and grabbed the boring white lights before raising his eyebrows at me.

"Babe, I love you, but this is my tree, and i'll decorate it the way I want to."

I pouted jokingly and shrugged, grabbing the lights with him as we started placing them around the tree.

"I thought it was our tree, now."

He stopped moving for a few seconds before letting out a short chuckle.

"Nice try." he let out, making me laugh.

We finished the tree and as I was looking at it with a smile, I felt something around touch me and laughed again when I saw Niall putting a tinsel around my neck before pulling on it to bring me closer.

"You're crazy!"

"Mmhm." he just replied, bringing his lips on mine and kissing me gently. "Thanks for helping me with the tree."

I didn't answer but kissed him deeper, closing my eyes as butterflies started hitting the inside of my stomach again. The kiss was slow and good, and when he pulled away, he smiled at me again.

"You remember we're leaving tomorrow?"

I nodded quickly and licked my lips. I hadn't prepared my stuff yet and I knew I would probably rush in the morning and forget a few things but It was one of the things I hated the most doing when it came to traveling. I also knew Niall's bags were ready and had been for a while and although I should follow his example, I was a lazy ass who didn't really care about it.

"You should pack your stuff." he added as if he could read my mind.

I chuckled and nodded, raising my nose in a grimace.

"I knoooow, I just don't feel like it."

He laughed and his eyes roamed on my face before he raised his eyebrows and sighed.

"If you do it, i'll give you one of your presents tonight." he suggested, making me hold my breath. "If you don't then you'll have to open all your gifts at my mom's."

My eyes seemed to illuminate and my smile got as big as it was humanly possible.

"Okay! I'll do it I promise!"

"Nuh-huh!" he shook his head with an other chuckle. "You think I don't know you? You pack and then i'll give you your present."

"Unfair!"

"Very fair!" he argued with a chuckle. "Besides, if I give it to you first, you'll find a million excuses not to pack."

I groaned low and grimaced again. We both knew he was right and I just sighed and rushed to our room to pack. I tried to bring only a few pieces of clothing but ended up with too much and I had to put some back in Niall's drawers. I also added a lot of 'just in case' stuff knowing perfectly well that I wouldn't use them and when I was finally done, I walked back to the living room. I thought Niall would be sitting on the couch but he was actually sitting in front of the tree with a beer, staring at it. I sat on my knees next to him and slowly, he turned to look my way and handed me his beer. I grabbed it and took a sip before handing it back to him.

"All set?"

I smiled and nodded and without a word, he handed me a box. It was about the size of a pocket book and I pressed my lips together, taking it slowly. I had no idea what it was but I knew Niall made the best gifts.

"It's literally nothing." he shrugged, putting his beer away. "But I know your romantic ass likes meaningful things like that, and I wanted you to have it anyway."

I frowned a bit but unwrapped the box before opening it, now extremely curious on what was hidden in it. My heart skipped a beat when I noticed a napkin laying in top of red silk papers and took it off before unfolding it. My eyes roamed on the words written and I recognized the song... my song.

"I was at a bar when I thought about this song." he started, licking his lips. "It's only the first draft, and it was all I had to write it down but I kept it, just in case I couldn't remember the lyrics the next day I mean, I was a bit hammered." he laughed a bit but became serious again. "I couldn't stop thinking about you, Olivia. And honestly, I haven't stopped thinking about you since then either."

I looked up at me, feeling my heart beat all over my body and finally moved closer to press my lips softly against his.

"No matter what else you give me, nothing will top this." I whispered against his mouth. "Thank you."

[stevenuniversallyreviews]

Episode 120: Storm in the Room

“Sometimes I wonder if it’s even you up there.”

There are certain episodes of Steven Universe that act as culminations to multiple stories from the past. Pseudo-finales like The Return and Earthlings rely on tons of backstory to show how far we’ve come in the series, and big showstoppers like Mr. Greg that do likewise for specific characters rather than the show as a whole. But as our saga continues, we’re blessed with stories that have the same vast reference pool as these payoff episodes without the finality; at this stage, so much has happened that “regular episodes” can also be riddled with nods to how small elements of Steven’s overall journey have shaped his universe. Storm in the Room isn’t about solving problems, but acknowledging them, and because the problem at hand involves the past catching up with the present, I love how much this episode looks back.

We start right as The New Crystal Gems ends, making this the seventh episode in a row documenting a very long day in Steven’s life (granted, one of them is him listening to what his friends were up to on Earth, but he’s still stuck in the Zoo uniform). Connie, glad to relinquish her guardian duties, gets nervous when Dr. Maheswaran doesn’t answer her phone, and Steven tries to relieve the tension in a way that seems insensitive at face value. His insistence on playing games when she’s clearly upset is awkward as hell, but he eventually acknowledges Connie’s feelings in a way that shows that in his own flawed way he was trying to help. The problem is that his version of help involves ignoring problems instead of facing them, and if this seems familiar, Connie completes the reference by practicing a calming breath from Mindful Education: she learned that episode’s lesson, but just like his mother, Steven’s instinct is to push his issues away.

Connie’s reunion with the good doctor evokes the ending of Nightmare Hospital, with Steven gazing from a distance at a mother and child embracing after a scare. But this time we don’t get the bittersweet imagery of his big smile slowly fading as he hugs Rose’s sword; he’s just alone, a background character to something he’s never experienced, all bitter and no sweet.

The tonal shift when Connie departs is stark and sudden. So far the episode has been full of Steven’s chattering, Aivi and Surasshu’s subtle score, and the ambient sounds of crashing waves as Steven says goodbye, but as soon as he shuts the door we’re met with crushing silence. It’s not hard to guess that his cheer has been forced, but it’s still brutal to see the act drop all at once before an extended and largely wordless routine of taking care of himself because nobody’s around to take care of him. We might not know it until A Single Pale Rose, but just like his approach to problem solving, his double life as an outwardly chipper hero that’s secretly suffering is another way he’s his mother’s son.

From the start of this quiet period, we see his discomfort with the portrait of Rose that’s graced his room for the entire series. The last time it’s been this prominent was Rose’s Scabbard, another eye-opening episode about her past, but now it haunts Steven as he makes his way through an empty home, magnified to show how small he’s made to feel by the cosmic scale of his burdens.

Steven briefly heads outside to avoid the picture staring at him through closed eyes, and we get a moment of pleasant rain that earns some murmured approval, but it morphs from the baptismal drizzle of The Answer and When It Rains to the harrowing downpour of Alone At Sea. Only when he’s back inside, with his dinner ruined and nowhere else to turn, does he truly speak. And for the first time in ages, since the era of An Indirect Kiss and Lion 3, he speaks to Rose.

It might be enhanced by the silence preceding it, but Zach Callison’s performance here is tremendous, even for him. Steven doesn’t even have the energy to be angry, he’s just cold and weary as he finally starts verbalizing his negative thoughts. They’re enough to make his mother’s door glow, and he knows as well as we do by now that Rose’s Room is a place of horror as well as wonder, but he steps inside anyway.

It’s so important that Steven admits right off the bat that none of what he's about to see is real, not just because it’s been a while since young viewers saw this place, but to preface the emotional illusion with his mental awareness of its fakery. He isn’t being fooled like he has in the past, but he’s so desperate for this connection that he’s willing to take questionable means to get it. When he asks to see his mom (rather than asking to see Rose Quartz), the clouds form into another image of her with her eyes closed, but unlike the portrait, she can open them right up.

Steven is already nervous when he enters the room, and gets even more flustered at the voice of his mother coming out of the simulacrum. But the illusion is so real that he composes himself, and despite his earlier nod to reality, he’s clearly drawn in no matter how much his head might tell him not to be.

There are tells, of course. Fake Rose Quartz Rose Ersatz is all about what Steven wants to do, lets him win at his video game with a patronizing “Hooray,” and gives a dramatic speech about the value of sports because the only reference point Steven has to her voice is the similar tone of her message from Lion 3. But beyond the appearance factor, there are tricky ways Faux Quartz seems more real than Connterfeit from Open Book: she’s inquisitive about the video game, she’s willing to pull pranks on her kid, and she provides a compelling rebuttal to Steven’s anger that suggests that maybe, just maybe, her room has a good enough grasp of the genuine article that this is more than a simple fake. After all, back in Rose’s Room, the most detailed deception was Greg, the person Steven encounters that Rose knew best.

But before we get into that conclusion and rebuttal, let’s look at the prank. There’s a certain mythological power to yanking a football away from a kicker: Charlie Brown isn’t that different from the likes of Tantalus or Sisyphus in this metaphor for futility, and while it’s obviously a funnier gag than trying to push a bolder up a hill, the inherent sadness of classic Peanuts is inextricable from the laughs. The glimmer of hope has to be built up every time, only to be dashed when Lucy betrays Charlie Brown’s trust, and it’s not hard to see the parallel with Steven trying again and again to understand the truth.

(While I loved my Peanuts growing up, my favorite iteration of the football gag is this spoken word reenactment starring Paget Brewster as Lucy, John Moe as Charlie Brown, and two of my comedy heroes, Paul F. Tompkins and “Weird Al” Yankovic, enjoying the show between them. It’s brilliant both as a tribute and a deconstruction of Charles Schulz.)

Given the setting, it’s inevitable that the situation turns dark. But despite the turmoil Steven endures, there’s a sense of catharsis as he unloads all his angst after spending so long bottling it up. As with Joy Ride and Steven vs. Amethyst, our hero reveals new insights into what’s going on in his head in a way that can’t be done right without saying it outright. His anger is sold by its specificity, and Callison again proves his chops in a damning monologue about all the ways Rose failed the expectations that have been built for him.

Out of the gate he connects her lie about bubbling Bismuth with the hypocrisy of her shattering Pink Diamond while punishing her friend for suggesting it. It’s a problem that was at the forefront of my concerns when the news of the shattering was first told, and while I felt vindicated in the show talking about it at last, it sucks that this didn’t lead to freeing Bismuth to continue the conversation. He’s just getting revved up, but I’m not sure I’ll ever get past how Bismuth was left high and dry for so long when I assess the show as a whole.

The real meat of the rant involves Steven isolating Rose’s biggest flaw. It’s visible from the second episode of the series, which revolves around Steven looking for a cannon that Rose could’ve told her friends about before passing: she has trouble telling the truth. Sometimes it’s negligence, as with the cannon, but often it’s deception. It was so ingrained that Pearl interpreted it as a sign of great leadership in Rose’s Scabbard, and Garnet’s obfuscating attitude before her character development kicks in could be read as an influence of the old boss’s style. So it’s about time that Steven out and calls her a liar.

I love that after so long worshiping Rose, Steven does a full swing in the opposite direction when forced to confront her imperfections. He’s not interested in seeing anything from her point of view, but assumes the worst possible intentions: we go from her causing harm (which is certain) to her intending to cause harm (which is probably not the case) to Steven worrying that he only exists as the ultimate escape option (which is definitely not the case). Even though Rose Quack counters this last point with calm grace, and Steven seems to accept that the tape was telling the truth, it’s hard to trust a character defined by mistruths. We’ll see in Lion 4 that even though he lets her off the hook at the end of the conversation, his doubts persist.

Regardless of the details, Steven’s fate is set. Whether or not she meant for it to happen, he did inherit Rose’s messes, and because his martyr complex has taken root, he’s all set to sacrifice himself at the end of the season. He took the big step in addressing how awful his situation is, which is better than letting it fester the way it’s been doing for sixteen episodes, but the step is perhaps too big. There’s a balance he has to reach for him to truly be happy, but it’ll be a while yet before he finds it, because he’s a fourteen-year-old kid.

After such a heavy episode, it makes sense that we end with some hope. Steven sorta oversells a sense of surprise that all four members of his immediate family have returned, but he’s been through a lot so I’ll cut him a break. We get pizza with the wrong topping, but as Greg predicted in Keystone Motel, Steven has learned to accept all pizza.

Perhaps the most important aspect of Storm in the Room is that it actually sticks. Mindful Education seems to be the start of a new outlook, and Steven does start looking for more answers after futzing around for a bit, but a more apparent shift takes place here that it’s gonna take a while to pull out of. He’s not trying to find the truth anymore, because the sheer scale of untruths surrounding Rose makes real answers seem impossible; plus, the last time he tried his dad was almost stolen forever. So for now, he’ll have to settle with sulking. Thank goodness the show makes it interesting to watch.

Future Vision!

Steven’s discomfort with Rose’s portrait never really goes away; after a couple of years, he decides to store it in Lion’s mane at the end of Rose Buds.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

A heavy episode, gorgeously paced and directed, but honestly it’s such a bummer that I don’t watch it that often, and the conclusion with Steven’s living family feels just a bit too cute for this to crack the top of my list.

Top Twenty

Steven and the Stevens

Hit the Diamond

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

Last One Out of Beach City

The Return

Jailbreak

The Answer

Mindful Education

Sworn to the Sword

Rose’s Scabbard

Earthlings

Mr. Greg

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Beach City Drift

Winter Forecast

Bismuth

Steven’s Dream

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Ocean Gem

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

Warp Tour

The Test

Future Vision

On the Run

Maximum Capacity

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Joy Ride

Keeping It Together

We Need to Talk

Chille Tid

Cry for Help

Keystone Motel

Catch and Release

When It Rains

Back to the Barn

Steven’s Birthday

It Could’ve Been Great

Message Received

Log Date 7 15 2

Same Old World

The New Lars

Monster Reunion

Alone at Sea

Crack the Whip

Beta

Back to the Moon

Kindergarten Kid

Buddy’s Book

Gem Harvest

Three Gems and a Baby

That Will Be All

The New Crystal Gems

Storm in the Room

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Open Book

Story for Steven

Shirt Club

Love Letters

Reformed

Rising Tides, Crashing Tides

Onion Friend

Historical Friction

Friend Ship

Nightmare Hospital

Too Far

Barn Mates

Steven Floats

Drop Beat Dad

Too Short to Ride

Restaurant Wars

Kiki’s Pizza Delivery Service

Greg the Babysitter

Gem Hunt

Steven vs. Amethyst

Bubbled

Adventures in Light Distortion

Gem Heist

The Zoo

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

Say Uncle

Super Watermelon Island

Gem Drill

Know Your Fusion

Future Boy Zoltron

No Thanks!

     6. Horror Club      5. Fusion Cuisine      4. House Guest      3. Onion Gang      2. Sadie’s Song      1. Island Adventure

[d-s-winchester]

The Charade

(gif credit to the creators)

Part Eight

Master List

Pairing: Misha x OFC / Jensen x OFC Word Count: 2,485 Warnings: none A/N: Here’s part eight of mine and Nicole’s (@iwantthedean) collab! Hope you guys like it! Anyway, feedback for this is awesome! :)

The timing for Adeline and Boden’s meeting with their editor couldn’t have been better. Even though Boden and Jensen had managed to get back on track Adeline found herself fumbling over her words and acting like a teenage girl with a crush whenever she was around Misha. Taking a trip back home for a few days to update Kelly on their progress was just what she needed. If she was going to figure out what exactly to do about her feelings for Misha being away from him for an extended period of time would be perfect for that.

 “I have to say girls,” Kelly said once she finished looking over their latest pile of notes and rough drafts, “you’re getting some good stuff! This whole angle of pretending to be their girlfriends was absolutely genius. There’s just one teeny, tiny flaw with all of it.”

 Both Boden and Adeline kept their mouths shut, waiting for Kelly to finish her thought.

 “It’s not believable,” she said, folding her hands in front of her, “several other publications have printed stories surrounding all of this and each and every one of them are saying that it seems like you two are more like the boys’ personal assistants. If you want to sell this and really get the full story I’m going to need you to start spending more time with them in public doing couple things.”

 Boden was about to protest and point out that they had been doing things like that when Kelly held up one finger to stop her.

 “Milestone parties for the show and going out all four of you do not count. The press doesn’t believe it because you two are never out with each of the men alone. No more codependency ladies. When you leave here and get back to Vancouver I better start seeing some more press with you two away from each other doing things with your so-called ‘boyfriends’. Understand?”

 Boden and Adeline nodded in agreement.

 “Good, because if those men decide to end this arrangement because you're not holding up your end of the bargain and you lose this article I have no problem letting you go,” she smiled, “that will be all.”

 The girls nodded and left the office. They gathered their things and made their way out to the cab they'd called to take them to the airport. Through the entire drive and up until they were seated on the plane Adeline was unusually quiet.

 “You ok?” Boden asked once they were settled and the plane took off.

 “I don't know if I can do this.”

 “Do what?”

 “Be alone with Misha like that. Doing couple things.”

 Boden nodded, thinking for a minute before answering her friend.

 “Yes you can,” she encouraged, “try not to think of it as a date. Try to think of it as a business thing. It might make it easier.”

 “Yeah that will make it easier but it won't make it believable. The problem is that I don't think I want this to be an arrangement anymore. I think I want the real deal and I think I want it with him.”

 Boden held tight to the armrest as they hit a patch of turbulence. “Then go for it, Addy. I really don’t think Misha is like Finn -- he won’t hurt you. Not intentionally, not like Finn did.”

 Adeline knew her friend was probably right, but that didn’t stop her from letting her head win out over her heart still, for the time being.

 Back in Vancouver, they put in a call to Jensen and Misha, and had them stop by the apartment as soon as they were off the set. The girls had the chance to shower off the travel grime, unpack, and start laundry before they showed up.

 “Here’s the deal,” Boden said, handing them each a mug of hot coffee. “When we met with our editor, she still doesn’t think we’re selling this couple thing. Apparently we have to be adults and go out separately. No more double dates or outings together with the four of us, if we can help it.”

 Misha glanced at Adeline, who was nervously chewing on her fingernails. “Addy -- you all right? We don’t have to do this, if it’s too much. We can call off the whole arrangement and figure something else out.”

 Adeline shook her head. “No, no, it’s fine. Really.”

 He wasn’t sure he believed her. “I’m sure this will be just fine. We’re perfectly capable of taking you girls out … at least I think we are. We’re also the same men whose girlfriends left us not long ago, so maybe we aren’t good at date night.”

 Misha meant it as a joke, and the whole group picked up on it. It started with Jensen’s soft chuckles, and then Boden stifling giggles. Before they knew it Misha and Adeline had joined in with full laughter. Thanks to Misha’s joke, they all felt less tense about their impending date nights.

 Jensen had told Boden that she could dress casual, but she still wanted to look somewhat adorable. She paired one of her favorite off-the-shoulder sweatshirts with a pair of jeans and ankle boots. She spruced up the outfit with some accessories, a cute hairstyle, and pretty makeup.

 “I need to head over to Jensen’s,” Boden said, checking to make sure she had everything she needed in her purse as she entered Adeline’s room. “Are you going to be all right to finish getting ready before Misha comes?”

 “Sure,” Adeline shrugged. “Have fun. Try not to drink too much.”

 Boden chuckled at her friend’s joke. “Ha ha, very funny. Remember, Addy, this is just business, but if you want more, it’s not the end of the world.”

 Adeline nodded and went back to her makeup table. Boden zipped her purse and made sure she had her keys, then drove over to Jensen’s apartment. She sat nervously in the parking lot after texting him that she had arrived; when Jensen came out of the building, Boden crawled over the console so he could drive.

 “Are you going to tell me now where we’re going?” Boden asked excitedly.

 Jensen smiled as he navigated the SUV into traffic. “I suppose I could.”

 Boden waited a few moments, but Jensen stayed silent. “Come on! Tell me!”

 “All right, all right,” he said with a laugh. “There’s a planetarium and a science museum in town I thought we could check out. The planetarium has a show on Mars, and the science museum has an after-hours adults-only program -- beer and wine and all that.”

 Boden agreed that sounded like an excellent idea. “There’s a place similar to that back home that I always loved to visit.”

 “Good. First, I figure you’ll want to eat, so --”

 “Barbecue bacon burgers?” Boden interrupted, excited.

 “Barbecue bacon burgers,” Jensen confirmed. “I wouldn’t dream of taking you out and not feeding you.”

 “This is going to be an excellent night,” Boden said, clapping her hands excitedly. Jensen looked over at her from the driver’s side and decided she was absolutely right.

 After a sit-down dinner at the burger place, Jensen drove them to the planetarium. He bought the tickets for the show about Mars, then held a still-excited Boden’s hand over to the theater and found them good seats.

 “In case I forget to tell you,” Boden smiled at him, “tonight has been absolutely wonderful.”

 “Why would you forget to tell me that?”

 Boden shrugged. “You said the science museum has beer and wine tonight. And you know how things went last time I drank.”

 Jensen laughed, realizing she was teasing him. “I’ll keep that in mind. I suppose in case I decide to keep up with you tonight, I had a wonderful time tonight, too.”

 He laced his fingers through hers as the lights in the theater dimmed and the show began. Boden leaned towards him, and he let go of her hand to put his arm around her shoulders.

 After the planetarium, they headed for the science museum. Boden ooh’d and ahh’d over every exhibit; Jensen loved that she was so enthralled with their trip.

 They kept it to two beers a piece, and, after a few hours at the science museum, they decided to call it a night. Neither of them wanted the night to end though, so Jensen took them back to the guys’ apartment. Boden kicked off her shoes and accepted the beer he handed her. They settled on the couch together, Boden sidled up next to Jensen, and he placed his hand on her leg.

 “Have to admit, I was a little nervous about tonight,” Jensen admitted. “But I had a lot of fun tonight. I don’t want to keep comparing you to Lindsey but she never would have done a night out like this with me. I’ve got a half a mind to hunt down that dumbass who cheated on you and let him know how out of his mind he’s got to be.”

 Boden smiled and blushed. “That’s sweet of you to say.”

 “I mean it,” Jensen said quietly, caressing her cheek. “Would I be taking advantage of our arrangement if I kissed you right now?”

 “I’m not drunk like I was the other night, Jay.”

 Jensen cleared his throat and got up from the couch. “Right. I’m sorry.”

 “Wait,” Boden said, catching him by the arm. Jensen dropped back down to the couch with her. “I just meant, you know, if I kiss you tonight, I can’t use being drunk as an excuse.”

 “You don’t need an excuse,” Jensen assured before pressing his lips to hers.

 It wasn’t the make-out session they’d had in the back of the SUV when Clif rescued them from the party, but it was more than enjoyable. When the kiss ended, Jensen and Boden stretched out on the couch together to watch the comedy movie on TV.  

 When Boden left, Adeline sat at her vanity, putting the finishing touches on her makeup, lost in thought. She couldn’t remember the last time she was this nervous. She tried not to focus on her nerves and remind herself that this was just business, except in the back of her mind she knew that it wasn’t. Her phone going off with a text from Misha, letting her know he was there, pulled her from her thoughts. With a sigh she told him she would be right down before pulling on her boots, scarf, beanie and coat.

 She double checked that she had everything and left the apartment, locking the door behind her, to head to Misha’s car. Climbing into the passenger seat she noticed that Misha looked as nervous as she did and that, surprisingly, put her slightly at ease. They drove for a few minutes in silence before Adeline asked where they were going.

 “We’ve got a couple stops,” he smiled.

 He didn’t say anything else about it and Adeline picked up on the fact that he wanted to keep it a surprise. It wasn’t long before Misha was parking the car and opening the door for her. He laced his fingers with hers as he lead her into a small cafe. The smell was amazing, it was almost like she’d stepped into a pumpkin spice latte.

 They got in line and as Adeline perused the menu she noticed a theme.

 “I’m in heaven,” she laughed, “I think everything on that menu is pumpkin spice.”

 “It is,” Misha smirked.

 “I love pumpkin spice.”

 “I know.” Misha chuckled as Adeline looked at him, surprised. “What? You think I haven’t noticed the empty Starbucks cups in my garbage, or the fact that my trailer smells like a pumpkin every time you hide out in there?”

 She gave him a small smile as they approached the counter. After ordering a latte and some food they went to sit down at one of the small tables to eat.

 “So, where to next?” Adeline asked when they’d finished their food.

 “That’s for me to know and you to find out.”

 “You do know I really hate surprises, right?”

 “You may have mentioned it once or twice,” he laughed, starting the car.

 The drive to their next destination was short and they were once again getting out of the car and waiting in line. Misha had explained that they were going to be riding a ghost train. Adeline was more than excited and it kind of amazed her that he knew how much she loved Halloween and planned this date around all of her favorite things.

 Once the train ride was over they decided to take the long way back to the car. The temperature had dropped since the sun went down and Adeline walked as close to Misha as possible in an attempt to keep warm. Her fingers were laced with his once again and she was starting to realize that maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea not to think of spending time with him as just business anymore.

 “I probably shouldn’t say this,” Misha chuckled, when they were almost at the car, “but I think about you probably way more than I should.”

 Adeline looked down at her feet in an attempt to hide her blush. She wasn’t going to say anything but in a split second she changed her mind. She stepped in front of him and pushed herself up on tiptoes and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

 “Yeah, me too.”

 The drive back to her apartment was filled with comfortable silence. When they finally arrived Misha walked Adeline up to her door.

 “I had a great time tonight,” she smiled, turning to face him, “thank you.”

 “So did I.”

 Something between them had changed. This time it was Misha who made the move. He pulled her close to him and kissed her fervently. She pulled away from him long enough to unlock the door to the apartment and once the door was shut behind them her lips were on his again.

 They hastily shed their coats and shoes as they moved through the apartment. By the time they’d reached Adeline’s bedroom they were down to their underwear and Adeline’s brain went into overdrive. She wanted to do this, she really did, but at the same time she felt like she couldn’t. They were still technically working together and she didn’t want anything jeopardizing that.

 She pulled away from him and took a second to catch her breath. “We can’t do this.”

Misha looked confused at first but understood. He ran his hand through his hair and nodded before gathering his clothes from the floor. He got dressed quickly, told her he’d see her on set the next day, and walked out of the apartment. As she got ready for bed Adeline couldn’t help but wonder if she’d ruined any real chance she’d had with him.

[itslucycarter-blog]

A (REAL) STORY OF VIOLENCE

Stick ninjas, movie bodies, gym or dismembered. And explosions, of course. Add Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson and Anthony Mackie and you will have director Michael Bay in your gravy. Insurance? Because 'Pain and Money', a comedy based on an implausible crime but real as life itself, is one of the surprises of the year.

D ios, I'd love to make a sequel to this film , confesses Michael Bay to FOTOGRAMAS. His enthusiasm is sincere and shows that Pain and Money , shot between two huge Transformers installments , has been a break for the most pyrotechnic director in Hollywood. But unfortunately I cannot , he adds at the moment, aware of how difficult it is to follow a true story with its protagonists already behind bars. I had a great time filming it because it was like going back to film school. The budget was very, very small so we had to control ourselves. You have to find ways to make it look expensive but cheap and fast.And it was. Bay shot in 40 days and with a budget of 20.8 million euros, small change compared to almost 6 months and 160 million euros that cost his last robotic delivery, Transformers: The Dark Side of the Moon (2011).

REAL FACTS

Probably the epigraph based on real events has never been as necessary as in Pain and Money because history is loaded with frankly inexplicable situations. This is a classic case in which reality trumps fiction , says producer Donald De Line. The studios had problems accepting the script. I think if it had been all fiction it would never have been shot . In the end we got the green light ... Although it cost: Michael Bay had his eye on this incredible true story a decade ago. I was looking fora wacky comedy and I liked the mix of characters. His vital philosophy is insane. These are people whose happiness depends on the size of their triceps or the size of their pecs,  Oral turinabol ,recalls the director. After promoting the last Transformers I said to the studio: I'm going to make this movie. I will do it very fast and I will still have time for Transformers 4 ... But I will do it.

Although the events occurred in the mid-1990s, the origin of the script is found in a series of articles by journalist Pete Collins published in the Miami New Times years later. That's where we get the tone, says screenwriter Christopher Markus. Collins demonstrates a great mastery of combining the comic and the macabre. In fact, it is a great manipulator and makes the reader go where he wants. Navigate that fine line very well. Our hope was to keep that tone and do it justice. Markus has written the script with Stephen McFeely. The tandem has written four hands in the saga The Chronicles of Narnia and the Captain America . McFeely finishes:The most surprising thing about the real story is that everything went so far with so little intelligence behind it . They were a perfect combination, if you can call it that, of stupidity and evil.

The script is faithful to the facts and the essence of those characters who injected anabolics into the American dream. A shortcut that led them to plan a perfect crime and trade their beginnings ... for others. Michael Bay is also a man of principle: I didn't want to talk to them ... But I did want to talk to people who knew them . A few extras in the gym were colleagues of his and said they were charming. They were actually manipulators. I think what we learned from the detective on the case and from the published stories was more than enough material to move on.

ADVERTISING - READ ON BELOW

The actors had to deal with evil characters who, however, had to connect with the public. We knew that our mission was to make them nice enough that you wanted to accompany them on their journey even though you were not necessarily on their side , reflects Mark Wahlberg , who later discovers: The truth is that I didn't think about it too much either. What he wanted was to show both his obsession with bodybuilding and make it clear that this guy was a care nut.

ROLL IN MIAMI

The real events occurred in Miami and it was not a problem for Michael Bay to move production there. It is my third movie in Miami. I live here for a few years. The city is very kind to me and has done its best to help me. It has a special texture, an interesting cultural mix, many different looks . I have tried to make a movie with many colors. Bay is not the only member of the team living in Miami. Dwayne Johnson has been installed in the city for more than 20 years and perfectly remembers the gym where the kidnapping plan was cooked. The Sun Gym, at the time, was an infamous site and appears very precisely in the film, Johnson says.When I was training the Hurricanes, the University of Miami football team, some cops who exercised with us also frequented that gym. The stories they told were not to sleep.

PAIN AND MUSCLE

The leading trio, Wahlberg, Johnson and Mackie, despite being actors who are not short of muscle, went through a long training process. Dwayne Johnson, champion of fighting infinity of times, had to add 6 kilos of muscular mass. Mark Wahlberg had to win 20. He dropped me at the gym at 4:30 in the morning, before going to the shoot, he says. Anthony Mackie and I train together. We were very disciplined, real professionals ... But Dwayne did not deign to let us train with him. It said: There is only one Rock in the city ... And shit like that . Wahlberg takes every opportunity to pinch his castmate. Just like Johnson. His is a muscular bromance .

But if there is anyone who takes the brunt of it all it is Tony Shalhoub. The protagonist of the TV series Monk plays Victor Kershaw, an arrogant millionaire, hated by all and who the band turns into his target. His character is not only kidnapped and tortured: they also try to murder him up to three times ... Without success. The story is real , the actor insists in solidarity with our disbelief. They crashed his car but he was wearing a seat belt. They tried to burn his vehicle and then he was run over a few times. It is a miracle that he survived. I think his secret was hatred: He hated these guys. That gave him strength to live.In this incredible tale, the only one who seems to have his head in his place is Ed DuBois, the detective who wanted to listen to Kershaw and unmasked those shoddy criminals. I met my character midway through the shoot, Ed Haris, the person in charge of embodying it , tells us. It was a relief to find someone to validate this crazy story . When playing someone real you feel a certain responsibility, you want to preserve the essence of that person. Harris, who already worked with Michael Bay on La Roca (1996), remembers how he reacted after reading the script. I burst out laughing , he tells us between laughs. I thought it was genuinely flamboyant. When Michael offered me the character I said to myselfOf course, it will be fun!

TRANSFORMERS 4

The filming of Pain and Money left Michael Bay and Mark Wahlberg with such a good taste that they plan to repeat as a de facto-blockbuster couple with Transformers 4. This new chapter, scheduled for release next summer, represents a rebirth of the saga . The previous installments continue to exist but there is a reason why the cast changes completely , advances the director. A film has to make me feel full, that it presents itself as a challenge. If not, I don't. This new tape does it. With it I will do things that I have not yet done and I want to try. Like shooting in IMAX 3D, a more difficult still that excites Bay ... But will he return to small movies? Damn of courseApostille.

[thejustinmarshall]

Learning To Be Funny

Probably every other time my friend Lee and I came to the end of an approach hike at the base of a climb, dropped our backpacks and looked up, he cracked the same joke:

“I think we’ll bivy here and go for the summit in the morning.”

I laughed the first time he said it, and chuckled every time after, even though I’d heard the joke before. It was funny because when he said it, we’d never walked more than three hours from the car, sometimes only a half hour, and the climb itself would only require a few more hours before we’d start walking back to the car. Bivying at the base of the climb would be ridiculous because a) the climb wasn’t nearly a big enough effort to require sleeping for a night at the base; b) it was usually 8 or 9 a.m. when he said this, and we had 10 or 12 hours of daylight to complete the climb; and c) of course neither of us had brought sufficient food, water, or gear to spend a night at the base of a climb.

Lee and I were a good match as climbing partners for many reasons, but largely because things almost never got so serious that we couldn’t regularly try to make each other laugh. We both wanted to be climbers, and we both wanted to be funny. And really, climbing and being funny have something common: In order to succeed in either of them, you fail a lot, and both are lifelong processes.

I don’t think anyone is born funny, just like no one is born a climber. You can be born into a funny family, which some people might assume is genetic. I don’t believe that’s correct. I think you’re just surrounded by people who are trying to be funny, and you join in, just as you are not born loving asparagus, but if your family cooks asparagus all the time, you might develop a taste for it. Except being funny is a much more universally useful life skill than cooking asparagus well (just my opinion), though I’ve only started to learn how to cook asparagus very recently, because my family focused on other things.

We got together with my mom’s side of the family as often as we could, seven brothers and sisters raised with an Irish Catholic sense of humor. I can’t say I remember much about the food my grandmother served at dinner, but I remember my face hurting from laughter, and being very young and thinking, “Someday, I’m going to make my Uncle Dan and Uncle Steve laugh.”

This goal took years. I probably started speaking up every once in a while at family dinners when I was seven or eight, saying things that young kids think are funny but adults don’t, and my uncles didn’t laugh. For a long time. In my head, this didn’t mean that I was not a funny person. It meant that I wasn’t funny yet.

—

I probably learned how to tell jokes mostly from my dad, who could find something clever to say in almost any situation, and was a fan of classics like this one:

Dad: Does your face hurt?

Son: No, why?

Dad: It’s killing me.

My dad spent most of his weekday hours working with people, managing the meat department of a grocery store. His job was, of course, to maximize sales of a product for a company, but from what I saw, his No. 1 goal was to make sure people smiled or laughed when there were within 20 feet of him. No. 2 was sales. He seemed to believe that work is work, but we might as well have a good time while we’re doing it.

In his 1993 book SeinLanguage, comedian Jerry Seinfeld wrote about growing up in a family that valued humor:

When I was a kid my father used to take me around with him in his truck. He was in the sign business on Long Island and he had a little shop called the Kal Signfeld Sign Co.

There were few people as much fun to watch work as my father. There has never been a professional comedian with better stage presence, attitude, timing, or delivery. He was a comic genius selling painted plastic signs that said things like “Phil’s Color TV” and cardboard ones like “If you want to raise cattle, why do you keep shooting the bull?”

The thing I remember most about those afternoons is how often my father would say to me, “Sometimes I don’t even care if I get the order, I just have to break that face.” He hated to see those serious businessmen faces. I guess that’s why he, like me, never seemed to be able to hold down any kind of real job.

Often when I’m on stage I’ll catch myself imitating a little physical move or certain kind of timing that he would do.

“To break that face.”

It was a valued thing in my house. I remember when Alan Kind would walk out on the Ed Sullivan Show, hearing my mother say, “Now, quiet.” We could talk during the news but not during Alan King. This was an important man.

My father lived to see me start to make it as a comedian and he was always my most enthusiastic supporter. He taught me a gift is to be given. And just as he gave it to me, I hope I am able to give it to you.

In elementary school, I cracked jokes whenever I could: in answers to teachers’ questions, in classrooms where teachers didn’t mind the occasional wisecrack (or just completely ignored me), at the lunchroom table, to the person sitting next to me or in front of me. In school, you always have an audience. When someone laughed at something I said, it was like getting a test answer correct, only better. Everyone could study and get a test answer right, but landing a joke was creative, too. It was something I could do that was unique.

Students laughed often enough that I kept going. I continued through junior high, and my 7th grade geography teacher, Mr. Button, asked if I would like to write for the school newspaper, which was at that time about 20 xeroxed sheets of pastel-colored paper stapled together. I said yes, and was given a monthly column—in which I tried to be funny—and some article assignments, in which I also tried to be funny first and convey a story secondly.

In writing for the school newspaper, I discovered a new audience of people to try make laugh, without the risk of being there when a joke fell flat. In writing, if no one laughs, you don’t hear the awkward silence.

—

In high school, I tried hard at a lot of things: sports, getting good grades, padding my academic record with lots of activities so I could get into a “good” college. But I always stayed focused on trying to be funny in every situation I could force it into: lobbing jokes up from the back of the class, in the locker room, washing dishes in the back of a restaurant, at the lunch table, in the hallway between classes, in my English writing assignments.

High school can be a tough audience. Even if you’re funny, lots of times your fellow students are focusing on learning and don’t appreciate your wisecracks (this is a 100 percent appropriate response). Other times, they don’t feel like they should laugh in class or they’ll get in trouble (also true). And lastly, your teachers’ job is to help students learn, not to provide the best audience for your jokes that can’t wait until after class, so they often get annoyed at the smartass in the third row (again, 100 percent appropriate), and sometimes to the point of removing a student from class (also appropriate). I spent a lot of time in detention and in the principal’s office. Looking back, I think a lot of people like myself probably owe a lot of teachers apologies.

“I used to think that humor was the only way to appreciate how wonderful and terrible the world is, to celebrate how big life is. … But now I think it’s the opposite. Humor is a way of shrinking from that wonderful and terrible world.” —Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

The thing is, constant humor can be a way of distancing ourselves from dealing with the real world, or internal sadness. The world is wonderful and terrible, and our constant access to news and viewpoints can sometimes make it feel like it’s growing more terrible every day. But creating humor can also be a way of dealing with personal suffering.

In 1975, in a study published in The American Journal of Psychoanalysis, Samuel S. Janus interviewed and psychologically tested 55 full-time comedians, who had been working in the field of comedy for an average of 25 years. In the study’s conclusion, Janus wrote:

The early lives of all the subjects were marked by suffering, isolation, and feelings of deprivation. Humor offered a relief from their sufferings and a defense against inescapable panic and anxiety. The presence of these same needs and fears almost universally accounts for the success of these particular individuals as humorists. The fact that humor is a language of protest appears to mitigate their anxiety and permits them to function. However its role as an aggressive expression in its own right is particularly appropriate for this age.

It is felt that comedians are able to convert their rage from physical to verbal assault and that for many their comic routines are a form of acting out. For the most part, comedians are shy, sensitive, fearful individuals, who fight their fears constantly and who win for only short periods of time, needing repetitively to do battle with the enemy both within and without. They are keenly sensitive people who have an uncanny perception of the needs and fears of their audience. For the most part they are men and women who are empathic and are able to convert fear to humor and terror to laughter.

Everyone has darkness in their lives, no matter how happy their personal story appears from the outside. My life has certainly been no exception, and although the down times have come and gone and it’s definitely not been anything like a Dickens novel, I’ve always used humor to change situations. If I’m uncomfortable, I joke. If I’m anxious about something (often), I joke. When I’m doing a public speaking gig, I joke to try to take the temperature of the crowd: Are they listening? Do they like me? How about now, two minutes later? Do they still like me? At the root of all of it is probably a deep insecurity or lack of self-confidence, and because of that, I joke. If you laugh, I feel OK about myself for a few minutes, and we both win.

My 86-year-old grandmother was literally on her deathbed in June of 2014. I was in the hospital room holding her hand and watching the cardiac monitor, along with my mother, my Uncle Dan, my Uncle Steve, and my Aunt Nora. We all knew that it was probably going to be it for Grandma, and I spent most of the afternoon alternating between trying to swallow a softball-sized lump in my throat and laughing at my aunt and uncles and my mom joking about colonoscopies and Catholic school.

No one was sure if Grandma could hear anything, but we talked to her anyway, and Aunt Nora made up ridiculous song lyrics and sang them while holding Grandma’s hand. For once, I was a little shocked that no one seemed to be taking it quite seriously enough. “Don’t you think I have a lovely singing voice, Brendan?” Aunt Nora said, after one of her songs, and then laughed, and I laughed too.

When I was a kid, I didn’t really understand that I came from a family of goofballs until I had been out of my parents’ house for a few years. I kind of assumed everyone’s dinner conversations were sort of a contest to see who could tell the best story, or make everyone laugh harder than they did at the last person’s joke. Eventually I found out that not everyone acted the way my mom’s family did, which was kind of a bummer. I don’t know how other people handle deathbed situations, but apparently in my mom’s family, we can’t even cry without trying to make each other laugh. There was plenty of crying, but plenty of laughing too. And even if it seemed a little inappropriate, it felt right.

—

In college, I started writing a weekly column for the campus newspaper. I didn’t have a beat, or a theme; just whatever I thought was funny that week. At some point, a fellow student recognized me on campus or at a bar and told me they liked my column in the newspaper that week and it made them laugh, and my marketing career went away just like that. Eleven short years later, I became a full-time writer, finding a space where most people weren’t trying to be funny—climbing and the outdoors—and writing essays about it.

I started a blog and wrote a post every single week whether I felt like it or not, trying hard to give people something to laugh at. Just like in elementary school, some people laughed, and some people didn’t. I always stuck to one principle: Always make fun of “us,” not “them.” I figured we all had enough negative stuff to pull us down on a daily basis, and I didn’t want to be another source of that.

Some weeks, it really took off, and thousands of people read my blog. Some weeks, crickets. I learned to just shrug it off and come up with new stuff for next week. With humor, you’re never going to please 100 percent of the people 100 percent of the time. Some people are going to think you are funny, and some people are not going to think you’re funny. Some people are going to think you are funny, and some people are not going to understand your jokes. Some people are going to think you are funny, and some people are not going to be in the mood. And sometimes, your joke is only funny to you. Which is a learning opportunity. But if people don’t think you’re funny, at least try to keep it so they don’t think you’re an asshole.

—

A few weeks ago, I sat at a table at the Monday night jazz jam at Denver’s Meadowlark Bar, watching the drummer in a four-piece band: a youngish man who was in absolute command of the drumset, never looking at where his sticks landed; only at the bass player, guitar player, or trumpet player. Awed and a little envious, I wondered how he got that good, and how long it took him for the drumset to become an extension of his body. Probably hours of playing every week, for years. I imagined dedicating myself to something so fully. Maybe instead of playing high school football I should have stuck with band, picked up a guitar or a trumpet, and kept practicing through my adult years. Imagine: being able to walk into a jam session with an instrument, sit down for a minute or two to get the feel of it, and then just joining a sort of conversation. That seems like a pretty magical way to live life. If only I had spent more time on learning to play music over the past, you know, 35 years …

Then I thought: I probably spent all that time trying to learn how to be funny.

Humor, I believe, will always be important work, and not just for professional comedians, writers, and actors. Weekly staff meetings need humor, and so do meals with friends and family, and transactions with clerks and servers. I don’t know the meaning of life, but bringing joy to other people seems like a decently noble pursuit. At the end of the day, not much of what we do in our daily lives adds up to much more than folly. Being a goofball, although it may seem like you’re not taking life (or your career) seriously enough, is no more ridiculous than most of the things that take up our time.

Here’s my favorite joke ever, appropriate for all ages and all situations. It’s somewhat dependent on confident delivery and timing, so it’s a great joke to use to practice on people if you don’t think of yourself as particularly funny (but maybe would like to be someday):

A polar bear walks into a bar. He goes up to the bar and says to the bartender,

“I’ll have a gin and ….

…

…

… tonic.”

The bartender looks at the polar bear and says, “What’s with the big pause?”

The polar bear says, “I don’t know. My dad had ’em too.”

—Brendan

The post Learning To Be Funny appeared first on semi-rad.com.

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[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: Bladeless Jet Skates, Regular Bladeless Skates, and Honesty

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Jonathan Drouin – The Canadiens may still be on the outside of the playoff race, but at least their best players always remember to make sure they have blades in their skates. Well, almost always.

The second star: Ryan Hartman being a jerk – Remember when you were in grade school and you'd fake-punch other kids and then laugh if they flinched? Hartman still does that. But this time he did it to Corey Perry, so it's OK.

The first star: Dave Elston – You may not know the name, but you should. Elston is the legendary cartoonist whose NHL work was some of the only reliable hockey humor produced for much of the 80s, 90s, and beyond. He recently joined Twitter, where's he's been releasing old cartoons from his archives. He's must-follow for hockey fans, even new ones who may not get all the references.

Outrage of the Week

The issue: Former Oiler Jordan Eberle told reporters that criticism from the "brutal" Edmonton media had affected his confidence and his play there. The outrage: He's right, the media are insensitive jerks. Or he's wrong, and a big wimp for even bringing it up. Is it justified: It can't be fun to be an NHL player when things aren't going well. It really can't. We all have our good and bad days, and we all get criticized at some point by somebody. But for most of us, it doesn't happen on the front page of a newspaper or leading off the nightly newscast. It's easy enough to say that players should toughen up and have thicker skin, and some of them do. But not everyone is going to handle negativity in the same way, and basic human nature tells us that occasionally, it's going to get to you. Or as Eberle put it, "When you read articles every day about how much you suck, it’s tough."

So yes, Eberle's got a point here, and what he's saying about his experience as an Oiler is undoubtedly true.

But it's also true that Eberle deserved some criticism for his play in Edmonton, especially last year. By his own admission, he "definitely didn’t play up to my standards, especially in the playoffs." If you're in the media, and it's your job to give an honest opinion about how a player is performing, you don't really have many options. You can either pull your punches to spare someone's feelings, or you can call it like you see it.

So where does that leave us? I thought the best take I saw on the whole issue came from Elliotte Friedman, who wrote about the impact the media's coverage can have on players like Eberle. Friedman sounds like a guy who puts some real thought into the balance between doing his job and knowing the impact his work can have. Most of us in this business do think about that, although maybe not as much as we could. Believe it or not, it's rarely much fun to dump all over somebody. But it can be part of the job.

And of course, they key here is that the criticism has to be fair. Some of it isn't, and when you see the media inventing controversies or settling scores, you're right to take the player's side. And it goes without saying that the media members who spend their days criticizing players, coaches and GMs need to have thick skin about criticism of their own work. Most of us don't.

But the bigger point remains: This is just part of the job, for media and players alike. For those in the press box, the key is to make it fair, make it honest, and to remember (as Friedman points out) that your words may be affecting a player's friends and family too. For those on the ice, the criticism is one downside of a job that still often ranks as one of the best in the world.

As for Eberle, he deserves points for being honest. That's what the media is supposed to want out of players, so we can't fault him for not playing make-believe and telling us that none of this ever gets to him.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

Earlier this week on the Biscuits hockey podcast, Dave and I were asked which active players would pair off for the best goalie fight. And I'll admit it—we kind of blew the answer. Dave mentioned Jonathan Quick, which was a solid choice, and we kicked a few other options around. But we missed several names that were obvious picks. We'll follow up on next week's show and make it right.

In the meantime, let me try to make it up to you with this week's obscure player pick: goaltender Mark Laforest.

Laforest, who was creatively nicknamed "Trees," went undrafted but was signed by Detroit as organizational depth in 1983. He made his NHL debut two years later, going 4-21-0 for a terrible Red Wings team because that's the only kind there was back then.

He was traded to the Flyers in 1987, and then to the Maple Leafs in 1989. He spent one year in Toronto, winning a career-high nine games, before being shipped to the Rangers as part of the deal that sent a young Tie Domi to New York. He never played for the Rangers, and didn't make it back to the NHL until a brief appearance with the Senators in 1993-94.

Laforest wasn't exactly known as a hothead, but in Philadelphia he did serve as the backup to Ron Hextall. Some of that may have rubbed off, because in 1989 he decided it would be a good idea to fight Sean Burke. It was not.

This is what happens when you let two redheads coach in the same NHL game.

This is actually one of the first (for lack of a better term) modern goalie fights I can remember. In the old days, goalie would pair off during bench-clearing brawls, but those had recently become extinct. This was one of the first times that a goalie got to do the full length-of-the-ice skate. Twice, as it turns out.

Most importantly, Sean Burke was legitimately one of the best fighting goalies ever. People remember Hextall or Patrick Roy or Billy Smith, and rightfully so, but Burke belongs right up there with them. Laforest actually does OK here; others were not as lucky.

As for Laforest, that Ottawa stint was it for his big-league career, which saw him appear in 103 games, posting 25 wins along with two shutouts and 65 penalty minutes. He played in the minors until 1996 and later went into coaching.

Be It Resolved

It was an interesting week for NHL interviews. A few days after Eberle's quotes hit the public, an even bigger star had even more interesting things to say. Lots more.

I know, right? I was shocked too. But there it was, in this Craig Custance piece in The Athletic. Somehow, he got Kings' defenseman Drew Doughty to open up about his contract status. And when he did, he started dropping bombs.

The article is behind a paywall so I won't cut-and-paste all the good bits here, but among other things it includes Doughty admitting that:

He's already thinking ahead to free agency in 2019.

He thinks money is important, and apparently doesn't feel the need to pretend otherwise.

He plans to talk with fellow UFA Erik Karlsson to maximize their potential payout.

He thinks he should make more than P.K. Subban.

This all might end with him playing somewhere else, and he sure sounds interested in the Maple Leafs (including him describing their coaching situation by saying, and I swear to you that this is a real quote, "Oh fuck, yeah. Babs.")

None of that should be especially shocking, but it kind of is when you hear it actually said by an NHL player. We know the drill by now. Doughty is supposed to say "Gosh, hadn't even thought about it, I'm just focused on playing, all I want to do is win and the rest of it will take care of itself." But he didn't. He told the truth. And it was kind of fascinating.

So this week, we have a Be It Resolved two-fer. First of all, be it resolved that nobody get all cranky with Doughty about actually saying something. That includes you, Kings fans, even though I'm sure the Maple Leafs stuff isn't playing well. We're all constantly complaining about how boring hockey players are, so we can't go filling our diapers the second somebody gets interesting.

And second of all, be it resolved that Custance has to take whatever magic pocket watch he dangled in front of Doughty's eyes to get him to talk like this and share it with the rest of us. No fair hogging, Craig. Spread the joy.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

With the NHL officially hitting the century mark last weekend—Sunday marked the 100th anniversary of the league's founding—it's tempting to look towards the future and try to figure out what the league will look like over the next 100 years. Luckily, we don't have to work too hard, because this decades-old Red Wings broadcast already covered it for us.

This clip seems to be from Detroit's PASS sports station, and would have aired in the early 90s. They're going to take a shot at what the next few decades hold. Let's see how they do.

We start off with a look back at the days when hockey was played outdoors, which is crazy because I'm pretty sure neither of those teams is even the Blackhawks. We also hear about how goalie pads are much bigger than ever before. If you consider that a good thing then boy, do I have exciting news for you, early 90s hockey fans.

We also hear about all of the "space age" equipment that modern players have, including "custom-fitted skates." Yeah, I bet it was rough back in the day when you just had to wear whatever size they had lying around.

We finally get to the predictions for 2050, and I just want to point out that the last clip before we jump into the future is of Steve Yzerman and the Tampa Bay Lightning. Does that count as an accurate prediction? I think it might have to.

So our first prediction of life in 2050 is…uh, Alaska looking like a beach due to global warming. Wow, this got dark in a hurry. I'm kind of depressed now. I sure hope future scientists are focused on preserving the climate so we don't all die.

Nope, they're making fake ice and bladeless jet skates. But "the air jets are non-polluting," so cool, close enough.

After way too many shots of some dude's toes, we move onto our next prediction: Hockey's expansion to the sun belt. That ended up happening, of course, although not quite as far south as Central America, as predicted here. We also get a look at the uniforms of 2050, which is clearly wrong since there aren't any ads plastered all over them.

I'm completely on board with the Lazer Stik, though. It's not so much the warp setting or $14,999 price tag, I just like the idea of a stick that doesn't break every third shift.

Side note: I wish I was as enthusiastic about anything in my life as announcer Marty Adler is about literally every sentence in this clip. Or, as he would put it: I wish I was as enthusiastic about anything in my life as this announcer is about LITERALL EVERY SENTENCE in this clip.

Next up is the helmet of the future, which includes a microphone, tiny TV screens, and even brain probes to foil opposition attempts at frequency jamming. Weird, I guess the Patriots are an NHL team in 2050.

Also, the helmets will have cameras in them, which is just ridiculous.

Coaches will apparently live in little rooms packed with screens, a bubble hockey game, and a button that's labelled DO NOT PUSH in giant letters. I'm kind of intrigued by that last one. I'm assuming Ken Holland has one in his office right now that starts the Red Wings rebuild.

We get a section about the puck being embedded with sensors that makes reviewing goals and offsides foolproof. That's pretty much guaranteed to happen at some point soon, and I'd give them credit for getting another one right if I weren't distracted by trying to figure out why the goalie of the future wears a blocker all the way up his entire arm.

There's a break halfway through, during which the future player stares at us for an uncomfortably long time. I have a lot of questions, like: Do everyone's eyebrows look that in 2050 or just hockey players? Does he wear the helmet all the time, or do the brain probes come off? And most importantly, can you please make him go away before I have nightmares?

The second half is focused on the fans, who will of course have flying cars because it's the future. Arenas will have retractable roofs, force fields and laser walls. And there will be two classes of fans, the elites who matter and the poors who don't. That sounds about right, nods Kevin Lowe.

I'm all in on the food chute—or, as Marty calls it, the FOOD CHUTE. But the rest of those luxury features sound awful. Can you imagine having a phone and a screen right in your face at all times? Sounds like an awful way to go through life.

No joke, the spinning section of the stands is a good idea and we should do that. Build that into your next arena proposal, Calgary.

We also hear about 3D holographic broadcast, which also seem pretty cool. You know, the future of hockey sounds like a lot of fun. I've almost forgotten that 2050 will feature uncontrolled global warming that will render the planet a dystopian nightmare and oh good they're here to remind me.

Yes, we're back to the warm weather thing, as we learn that the NHL will expand to Egypt and Guam on its way to becoming a 128-team league. Sorry, Hamilton, you were #129 on the list, we swear.

Just as we're trying to figure out why there are future divisions named after Rick Zombo and Walt Poddubny, our clip ends. Overall, they did reasonably well—they pretty much nailed outdoor games, puck sensors and helmet-cams, and they still have 33 years to get the rest of it. (You know, before we all die in the great flood.)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter @DownGoesBrown.

DGB Grab Bag: Bladeless Jet Skates, Regular Bladeless Skates, and Honesty published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

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DGB Grab Bag: Bladeless Jet Skates, Regular Bladeless Skates, and Honesty

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Jonathan Drouin – The Canadiens may still be on the outside of the playoff race, but at least their best players always remember to make sure they have blades in their skates. Well, almost always.

The second star: Ryan Hartman being a jerk – Remember when you were in grade school and you’d fake-punch other kids and then laugh if they flinched? Hartman still does that. But this time he did it to Corey Perry, so it’s OK.

The first star: Dave Elston – You may not know the name, but you should. Elston is the legendary cartoonist whose NHL work was some of the only reliable hockey humor produced for much of the 80s, 90s, and beyond. He recently joined Twitter, where’s he’s been releasing old cartoons from his archives. He’s must-follow for hockey fans, even new ones who may not get all the references.

Outrage of the Week

The issue: Former Oiler Jordan Eberle told reporters that criticism from the “brutal” Edmonton media had affected his confidence and his play there.

The outrage: He’s right, the media are insensitive jerks. Or he’s wrong, and a big wimp for even bringing it up.

Is it justified: It can’t be fun to be an NHL player when things aren’t going well. It really can’t. We all have our good and bad days, and we all get criticized at some point by somebody. But for most of us, it doesn’t happen on the front page of a newspaper or leading off the nightly newscast. It’s easy enough to say that players should toughen up and have thicker skin, and some of them do. But not everyone is going to handle negativity in the same way, and basic human nature tells us that occasionally, it’s going to get to you. Or as Eberle put it, “When you read articles every day about how much you suck, it’s tough.”

So yes, Eberle’s got a point here, and what he’s saying about his experience as an Oiler is undoubtedly true.

But it’s also true that Eberle deserved some criticism for his play in Edmonton, especially last year. By his own admission, he “definitely didn’t play up to my standards, especially in the playoffs.” If you’re in the media, and it’s your job to give an honest opinion about how a player is performing, you don’t really have many options. You can either pull your punches to spare someone’s feelings, or you can call it like you see it.

So where does that leave us? I thought the best take I saw on the whole issue came from Elliotte Friedman, who wrote about the impact the media’s coverage can have on players like Eberle. Friedman sounds like a guy who puts some real thought into the balance between doing his job and knowing the impact his work can have. Most of us in this business do think about that, although maybe not as much as we could. Believe it or not, it’s rarely much fun to dump all over somebody. But it can be part of the job.

And of course, they key here is that the criticism has to be fair. Some of it isn’t, and when you see the media inventing controversies or settling scores, you’re right to take the player’s side. And it goes without saying that the media members who spend their days criticizing players, coaches and GMs need to have thick skin about criticism of their own work. Most of us don’t.

But the bigger point remains: This is just part of the job, for media and players alike. For those in the press box, the key is to make it fair, make it honest, and to remember (as Friedman points out) that your words may be affecting a player’s friends and family too. For those on the ice, the criticism is one downside of a job that still often ranks as one of the best in the world.

As for Eberle, he deserves points for being honest. That’s what the media is supposed to want out of players, so we can’t fault him for not playing make-believe and telling us that none of this ever gets to him.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

Earlier this week on the Biscuits hockey podcast, Dave and I were asked which active players would pair off for the best goalie fight. And I’ll admit it—we kind of blew the answer. Dave mentioned Jonathan Quick, which was a solid choice, and we kicked a few other options around. But we missed several names that were obvious picks. We’ll follow up on next week’s show and make it right.

In the meantime, let me try to make it up to you with this week’s obscure player pick: goaltender Mark Laforest.

Laforest, who was creatively nicknamed “Trees,” went undrafted but was signed by Detroit as organizational depth in 1983. He made his NHL debut two years later, going 4-21-0 for a terrible Red Wings team because that’s the only kind there was back then.

He was traded to the Flyers in 1987, and then to the Maple Leafs in 1989. He spent one year in Toronto, winning a career-high nine games, before being shipped to the Rangers as part of the deal that sent a young Tie Domi to New York. He never played for the Rangers, and didn’t make it back to the NHL until a brief appearance with the Senators in 1993-94.

Laforest wasn’t exactly known as a hothead, but in Philadelphia he did serve as the backup to Ron Hextall. Some of that may have rubbed off, because in 1989 he decided it would be a good idea to fight Sean Burke. It was not.

This is what happens when you let two redheads coach in the same NHL game.

This is actually one of the first (for lack of a better term) modern goalie fights I can remember. In the old days, goalie would pair off during bench-clearing brawls, but those had recently become extinct. This was one of the first times that a goalie got to do the full length-of-the-ice skate. Twice, as it turns out.

Most importantly, Sean Burke was legitimately one of the best fighting goalies ever. People remember Hextall or Patrick Roy or Billy Smith, and rightfully so, but Burke belongs right up there with them. Laforest actually does OK here; others were not as lucky.

As for Laforest, that Ottawa stint was it for his big-league career, which saw him appear in 103 games, posting 25 wins along with two shutouts and 65 penalty minutes. He played in the minors until 1996 and later went into coaching.

Be It Resolved

It was an interesting week for NHL interviews. A few days after Eberle’s quotes hit the public, an even bigger star had even more interesting things to say. Lots more.

I know, right? I was shocked too. But there it was, in this Craig Custance piece in The Athletic. Somehow, he got Kings’ defenseman Drew Doughty to open up about his contract status. And when he did, he started dropping bombs.

The article is behind a paywall so I won’t cut-and-paste all the good bits here, but among other things it includes Doughty admitting that:

He’s already thinking ahead to free agency in 2019.

He thinks money is important, and apparently doesn’t feel the need to pretend otherwise.

He plans to talk with fellow UFA Erik Karlsson to maximize their potential payout.

He thinks he should make more than P.K. Subban.

This all might end with him playing somewhere else, and he sure sounds interested in the Maple Leafs (including him describing their coaching situation by saying, and I swear to you that this is a real quote, “Oh fuck, yeah. Babs.”)

None of that should be especially shocking, but it kind of is when you hear it actually said by an NHL player. We know the drill by now. Doughty is supposed to say “Gosh, hadn’t even thought about it, I’m just focused on playing, all I want to do is win and the rest of it will take care of itself.” But he didn’t. He told the truth. And it was kind of fascinating.

So this week, we have a Be It Resolved two-fer. First of all, be it resolved that nobody get all cranky with Doughty about actually saying something. That includes you, Kings fans, even though I’m sure the Maple Leafs stuff isn’t playing well. We’re all constantly complaining about how boring hockey players are, so we can’t go filling our diapers the second somebody gets interesting.

And second of all, be it resolved that Custance has to take whatever magic pocket watch he dangled in front of Doughty’s eyes to get him to talk like this and share it with the rest of us. No fair hogging, Craig. Spread the joy.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

With the NHL officially hitting the century mark last weekend—Sunday marked the 100th anniversary of the league’s founding—it’s tempting to look towards the future and try to figure out what the league will look like over the next 100 years. Luckily, we don’t have to work too hard, because this decades-old Red Wings broadcast already covered it for us.

This clip seems to be from Detroit’s PASS sports station, and would have aired in the early 90s. They’re going to take a shot at what the next few decades hold. Let’s see how they do.

We start off with a look back at the days when hockey was played outdoors, which is crazy because I’m pretty sure neither of those teams is even the Blackhawks. We also hear about how goalie pads are much bigger than ever before. If you consider that a good thing then boy, do I have exciting news for you, early 90s hockey fans.

We also hear about all of the “space age” equipment that modern players have, including “custom-fitted skates.” Yeah, I bet it was rough back in the day when you just had to wear whatever size they had lying around.

We finally get to the predictions for 2050, and I just want to point out that the last clip before we jump into the future is of Steve Yzerman and the Tampa Bay Lightning. Does that count as an accurate prediction? I think it might have to.

So our first prediction of life in 2050 is…uh, Alaska looking like a beach due to global warming. Wow, this got dark in a hurry. I’m kind of depressed now. I sure hope future scientists are focused on preserving the climate so we don’t all die.

Nope, they’re making fake ice and bladeless jet skates. But “the air jets are non-polluting,” so cool, close enough.

After way too many shots of some dude’s toes, we move onto our next prediction: Hockey’s expansion to the sun belt. That ended up happening, of course, although not quite as far south as Central America, as predicted here. We also get a look at the uniforms of 2050, which is clearly wrong since there aren’t any ads plastered all over them.

I’m completely on board with the Lazer Stik, though. It’s not so much the warp setting or $14,999 price tag, I just like the idea of a stick that doesn’t break every third shift.

Side note: I wish I was as enthusiastic about anything in my life as announcer Marty Adler is about literally every sentence in this clip. Or, as he would put it: I wish I was as enthusiastic about anything in my life as this announcer is about LITERALL EVERY SENTENCE in this clip.

Next up is the helmet of the future, which includes a microphone, tiny TV screens, and even brain probes to foil opposition attempts at frequency jamming. Weird, I guess the Patriots are an NHL team in 2050.

Also, the helmets will have cameras in them, which is just ridiculous.

Coaches will apparently live in little rooms packed with screens, a bubble hockey game, and a button that’s labelled DO NOT PUSH in giant letters. I’m kind of intrigued by that last one. I’m assuming Ken Holland has one in his office right now that starts the Red Wings rebuild.

We get a section about the puck being embedded with sensors that makes reviewing goals and offsides foolproof. That’s pretty much guaranteed to happen at some point soon, and I’d give them credit for getting another one right if I weren’t distracted by trying to figure out why the goalie of the future wears a blocker all the way up his entire arm.

There’s a break halfway through, during which the future player stares at us for an uncomfortably long time. I have a lot of questions, like: Do everyone’s eyebrows look that in 2050 or just hockey players? Does he wear the helmet all the time, or do the brain probes come off? And most importantly, can you please make him go away before I have nightmares?

The second half is focused on the fans, who will of course have flying cars because it’s the future. Arenas will have retractable roofs, force fields and laser walls. And there will be two classes of fans, the elites who matter and the poors who don’t. That sounds about right, nods Kevin Lowe.

I’m all in on the food chute—or, as Marty calls it, the FOOD CHUTE. But the rest of those luxury features sound awful. Can you imagine having a phone and a screen right in your face at all times? Sounds like an awful way to go through life.

No joke, the spinning section of the stands is a good idea and we should do that. Build that into your next arena proposal, Calgary.

We also hear about 3D holographic broadcast, which also seem pretty cool. You know, the future of hockey sounds like a lot of fun. I’ve almost forgotten that 2050 will feature uncontrolled global warming that will render the planet a dystopian nightmare and oh good they’re here to remind me.

Yes, we’re back to the warm weather thing, as we learn that the NHL will expand to Egypt and Guam on its way to becoming a 128-team league. Sorry, Hamilton, you were #129 on the list, we swear.

Just as we’re trying to figure out why there are future divisions named after Rick Zombo and Walt Poddubny, our clip ends. Overall, they did reasonably well—they pretty much nailed outdoor games, puck sensors and helmet-cams, and they still have 33 years to get the rest of it. (You know, before we all die in the great flood.)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you’d like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter @DownGoesBrown.

DGB Grab Bag: Bladeless Jet Skates, Regular Bladeless Skates, and Honesty syndicated from http://ift.tt/2ug2Ns6

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DGB Grab Bag: Bladeless Jet Skates, Regular Bladeless Skates, and Honesty

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Jonathan Drouin – The Canadiens may still be on the outside of the playoff race, but at least their best players always remember to make sure they have blades in their skates. Well, almost always.

The second star: Ryan Hartman being a jerk – Remember when you were in grade school and you'd fake-punch other kids and then laugh if they flinched? Hartman still does that. But this time he did it to Corey Perry, so it's OK.

The first star: Dave Elston – You may not know the name, but you should. Elston is the legendary cartoonist whose NHL work was some of the only reliable hockey humor produced for much of the 80s, 90s, and beyond. He recently joined Twitter, where's he's been releasing old cartoons from his archives. He's must-follow for hockey fans, even new ones who may not get all the references.

Outrage of the Week

The issue: Former Oiler Jordan Eberle told reporters that criticism from the "brutal" Edmonton media had affected his confidence and his play there. The outrage: He's right, the media are insensitive jerks. Or he's wrong, and a big wimp for even bringing it up. Is it justified: It can't be fun to be an NHL player when things aren't going well. It really can't. We all have our good and bad days, and we all get criticized at some point by somebody. But for most of us, it doesn't happen on the front page of a newspaper or leading off the nightly newscast. It's easy enough to say that players should toughen up and have thicker skin, and some of them do. But not everyone is going to handle negativity in the same way, and basic human nature tells us that occasionally, it's going to get to you. Or as Eberle put it, "When you read articles every day about how much you suck, it’s tough."

So yes, Eberle's got a point here, and what he's saying about his experience as an Oiler is undoubtedly true.

But it's also true that Eberle deserved some criticism for his play in Edmonton, especially last year. By his own admission, he "definitely didn’t play up to my standards, especially in the playoffs." If you're in the media, and it's your job to give an honest opinion about how a player is performing, you don't really have many options. You can either pull your punches to spare someone's feelings, or you can call it like you see it.

So where does that leave us? I thought the best take I saw on the whole issue came from Elliotte Friedman, who wrote about the impact the media's coverage can have on players like Eberle. Friedman sounds like a guy who puts some real thought into the balance between doing his job and knowing the impact his work can have. Most of us in this business do think about that, although maybe not as much as we could. Believe it or not, it's rarely much fun to dump all over somebody. But it can be part of the job.

And of course, they key here is that the criticism has to be fair. Some of it isn't, and when you see the media inventing controversies or settling scores, you're right to take the player's side. And it goes without saying that the media members who spend their days criticizing players, coaches and GMs need to have thick skin about criticism of their own work. Most of us don't.

But the bigger point remains: This is just part of the job, for media and players alike. For those in the press box, the key is to make it fair, make it honest, and to remember (as Friedman points out) that your words may be affecting a player's friends and family too. For those on the ice, the criticism is one downside of a job that still often ranks as one of the best in the world.

As for Eberle, he deserves points for being honest. That's what the media is supposed to want out of players, so we can't fault him for not playing make-believe and telling us that none of this ever gets to him.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

Earlier this week on the Biscuits hockey podcast, Dave and I were asked which active players would pair off for the best goalie fight. And I'll admit it—we kind of blew the answer. Dave mentioned Jonathan Quick, which was a solid choice, and we kicked a few other options around. But we missed several names that were obvious picks. We'll follow up on next week's show and make it right.

In the meantime, let me try to make it up to you with this week's obscure player pick: goaltender Mark Laforest.

Laforest, who was creatively nicknamed "Trees," went undrafted but was signed by Detroit as organizational depth in 1983. He made his NHL debut two years later, going 4-21-0 for a terrible Red Wings team because that's the only kind there was back then.

He was traded to the Flyers in 1987, and then to the Maple Leafs in 1989. He spent one year in Toronto, winning a career-high nine games, before being shipped to the Rangers as part of the deal that sent a young Tie Domi to New York. He never played for the Rangers, and didn't make it back to the NHL until a brief appearance with the Senators in 1993-94.

Laforest wasn't exactly known as a hothead, but in Philadelphia he did serve as the backup to Ron Hextall. Some of that may have rubbed off, because in 1989 he decided it would be a good idea to fight Sean Burke. It was not.

This is what happens when you let two redheads coach in the same NHL game.

This is actually one of the first (for lack of a better term) modern goalie fights I can remember. In the old days, goalie would pair off during bench-clearing brawls, but those had recently become extinct. This was one of the first times that a goalie got to do the full length-of-the-ice skate. Twice, as it turns out.

Most importantly, Sean Burke was legitimately one of the best fighting goalies ever. People remember Hextall or Patrick Roy or Billy Smith, and rightfully so, but Burke belongs right up there with them. Laforest actually does OK here; others were not as lucky.

As for Laforest, that Ottawa stint was it for his big-league career, which saw him appear in 103 games, posting 25 wins along with two shutouts and 65 penalty minutes. He played in the minors until 1996 and later went into coaching.

Be It Resolved

It was an interesting week for NHL interviews. A few days after Eberle's quotes hit the public, an even bigger star had even more interesting things to say. Lots more.

I know, right? I was shocked too. But there it was, in this Craig Custance piece in The Athletic. Somehow, he got Kings' defenseman Drew Doughty to open up about his contract status. And when he did, he started dropping bombs.

The article is behind a paywall so I won't cut-and-paste all the good bits here, but among other things it includes Doughty admitting that:

He's already thinking ahead to free agency in 2019.

He thinks money is important, and apparently doesn't feel the need to pretend otherwise.

He plans to talk with fellow UFA Erik Karlsson to maximize their potential payout.

He thinks he should make more than P.K. Subban.

This all might end with him playing somewhere else, and he sure sounds interested in the Maple Leafs (including him describing their coaching situation by saying, and I swear to you that this is a real quote, "Oh fuck, yeah. Babs.")

None of that should be especially shocking, but it kind of is when you hear it actually said by an NHL player. We know the drill by now. Doughty is supposed to say "Gosh, hadn't even thought about it, I'm just focused on playing, all I want to do is win and the rest of it will take care of itself." But he didn't. He told the truth. And it was kind of fascinating.

So this week, we have a Be It Resolved two-fer. First of all, be it resolved that nobody get all cranky with Doughty about actually saying something. That includes you, Kings fans, even though I'm sure the Maple Leafs stuff isn't playing well. We're all constantly complaining about how boring hockey players are, so we can't go filling our diapers the second somebody gets interesting.

And second of all, be it resolved that Custance has to take whatever magic pocket watch he dangled in front of Doughty's eyes to get him to talk like this and share it with the rest of us. No fair hogging, Craig. Spread the joy.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

With the NHL officially hitting the century mark last weekend—Sunday marked the 100th anniversary of the league's founding—it's tempting to look towards the future and try to figure out what the league will look like over the next 100 years. Luckily, we don't have to work too hard, because this decades-old Red Wings broadcast already covered it for us.

This clip seems to be from Detroit's PASS sports station, and would have aired in the early 90s. They're going to take a shot at what the next few decades hold. Let's see how they do.

We start off with a look back at the days when hockey was played outdoors, which is crazy because I'm pretty sure neither of those teams is even the Blackhawks. We also hear about how goalie pads are much bigger than ever before. If you consider that a good thing then boy, do I have exciting news for you, early 90s hockey fans.

We also hear about all of the "space age" equipment that modern players have, including "custom-fitted skates." Yeah, I bet it was rough back in the day when you just had to wear whatever size they had lying around.

We finally get to the predictions for 2050, and I just want to point out that the last clip before we jump into the future is of Steve Yzerman and the Tampa Bay Lightning. Does that count as an accurate prediction? I think it might have to.

So our first prediction of life in 2050 is…uh, Alaska looking like a beach due to global warming. Wow, this got dark in a hurry. I'm kind of depressed now. I sure hope future scientists are focused on preserving the climate so we don't all die.

Nope, they're making fake ice and bladeless jet skates. But "the air jets are non-polluting," so cool, close enough.

After way too many shots of some dude's toes, we move onto our next prediction: Hockey's expansion to the sun belt. That ended up happening, of course, although not quite as far south as Central America, as predicted here. We also get a look at the uniforms of 2050, which is clearly wrong since there aren't any ads plastered all over them.

I'm completely on board with the Lazer Stik, though. It's not so much the warp setting or $14,999 price tag, I just like the idea of a stick that doesn't break every third shift.

Side note: I wish I was as enthusiastic about anything in my life as announcer Marty Adler is about literally every sentence in this clip. Or, as he would put it: I wish I was as enthusiastic about anything in my life as this announcer is about LITERALL EVERY SENTENCE in this clip.

Next up is the helmet of the future, which includes a microphone, tiny TV screens, and even brain probes to foil opposition attempts at frequency jamming. Weird, I guess the Patriots are an NHL team in 2050.

Also, the helmets will have cameras in them, which is just ridiculous.

Coaches will apparently live in little rooms packed with screens, a bubble hockey game, and a button that's labelled DO NOT PUSH in giant letters. I'm kind of intrigued by that last one. I'm assuming Ken Holland has one in his office right now that starts the Red Wings rebuild.

We get a section about the puck being embedded with sensors that makes reviewing goals and offsides foolproof. That's pretty much guaranteed to happen at some point soon, and I'd give them credit for getting another one right if I weren't distracted by trying to figure out why the goalie of the future wears a blocker all the way up his entire arm.

There's a break halfway through, during which the future player stares at us for an uncomfortably long time. I have a lot of questions, like: Do everyone's eyebrows look that in 2050 or just hockey players? Does he wear the helmet all the time, or do the brain probes come off? And most importantly, can you please make him go away before I have nightmares?

The second half is focused on the fans, who will of course have flying cars because it's the future. Arenas will have retractable roofs, force fields and laser walls. And there will be two classes of fans, the elites who matter and the poors who don't. That sounds about right, nods Kevin Lowe.

I'm all in on the food chute—or, as Marty calls it, the FOOD CHUTE. But the rest of those luxury features sound awful. Can you imagine having a phone and a screen right in your face at all times? Sounds like an awful way to go through life.

No joke, the spinning section of the stands is a good idea and we should do that. Build that into your next arena proposal, Calgary.

We also hear about 3D holographic broadcast, which also seem pretty cool. You know, the future of hockey sounds like a lot of fun. I've almost forgotten that 2050 will feature uncontrolled global warming that will render the planet a dystopian nightmare and oh good they're here to remind me.

Yes, we're back to the warm weather thing, as we learn that the NHL will expand to Egypt and Guam on its way to becoming a 128-team league. Sorry, Hamilton, you were #129 on the list, we swear.

Just as we're trying to figure out why there are future divisions named after Rick Zombo and Walt Poddubny, our clip ends. Overall, they did reasonably well—they pretty much nailed outdoor games, puck sensors and helmet-cams, and they still have 33 years to get the rest of it. (You know, before we all die in the great flood.)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter @DownGoesBrown.

DGB Grab Bag: Bladeless Jet Skates, Regular Bladeless Skates, and Honesty published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

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DGB Grab Bag: Bladeless Jet Skates, Regular Bladeless Skates, and Honesty

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Jonathan Drouin – The Canadiens may still be on the outside of the playoff race, but at least their best players always remember to make sure they have blades in their skates. Well, almost always.

The second star: Ryan Hartman being a jerk – Remember when you were in grade school and you'd fake-punch other kids and then laugh if they flinched? Hartman still does that. But this time he did it to Corey Perry, so it's OK.

The first star: Dave Elston – You may not know the name, but you should. Elston is the legendary cartoonist whose NHL work was some of the only reliable hockey humor produced for much of the 80s, 90s, and beyond. He recently joined Twitter, where's he's been releasing old cartoons from his archives. He's must-follow for hockey fans, even new ones who may not get all the references.

Outrage of the Week

The issue: Former Oiler Jordan Eberle told reporters that criticism from the "brutal" Edmonton media had affected his confidence and his play there. The outrage: He's right, the media are insensitive jerks. Or he's wrong, and a big wimp for even bringing it up. Is it justified: It can't be fun to be an NHL player when things aren't going well. It really can't. We all have our good and bad days, and we all get criticized at some point by somebody. But for most of us, it doesn't happen on the front page of a newspaper or leading off the nightly newscast. It's easy enough to say that players should toughen up and have thicker skin, and some of them do. But not everyone is going to handle negativity in the same way, and basic human nature tells us that occasionally, it's going to get to you. Or as Eberle put it, "When you read articles every day about how much you suck, it’s tough."

So yes, Eberle's got a point here, and what he's saying about his experience as an Oiler is undoubtedly true.

But it's also true that Eberle deserved some criticism for his play in Edmonton, especially last year. By his own admission, he "definitely didn’t play up to my standards, especially in the playoffs." If you're in the media, and it's your job to give an honest opinion about how a player is performing, you don't really have many options. You can either pull your punches to spare someone's feelings, or you can call it like you see it.

So where does that leave us? I thought the best take I saw on the whole issue came from Elliotte Friedman, who wrote about the impact the media's coverage can have on players like Eberle. Friedman sounds like a guy who puts some real thought into the balance between doing his job and knowing the impact his work can have. Most of us in this business do think about that, although maybe not as much as we could. Believe it or not, it's rarely much fun to dump all over somebody. But it can be part of the job.

And of course, they key here is that the criticism has to be fair. Some of it isn't, and when you see the media inventing controversies or settling scores, you're right to take the player's side. And it goes without saying that the media members who spend their days criticizing players, coaches and GMs need to have thick skin about criticism of their own work. Most of us don't.

But the bigger point remains: This is just part of the job, for media and players alike. For those in the press box, the key is to make it fair, make it honest, and to remember (as Friedman points out) that your words may be affecting a player's friends and family too. For those on the ice, the criticism is one downside of a job that still often ranks as one of the best in the world.

As for Eberle, he deserves points for being honest. That's what the media is supposed to want out of players, so we can't fault him for not playing make-believe and telling us that none of this ever gets to him.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

Earlier this week on the Biscuits hockey podcast, Dave and I were asked which active players would pair off for the best goalie fight. And I'll admit it—we kind of blew the answer. Dave mentioned Jonathan Quick, which was a solid choice, and we kicked a few other options around. But we missed several names that were obvious picks. We'll follow up on next week's show and make it right.

In the meantime, let me try to make it up to you with this week's obscure player pick: goaltender Mark Laforest.

Laforest, who was creatively nicknamed "Trees," went undrafted but was signed by Detroit as organizational depth in 1983. He made his NHL debut two years later, going 4-21-0 for a terrible Red Wings team because that's the only kind there was back then.

He was traded to the Flyers in 1987, and then to the Maple Leafs in 1989. He spent one year in Toronto, winning a career-high nine games, before being shipped to the Rangers as part of the deal that sent a young Tie Domi to New York. He never played for the Rangers, and didn't make it back to the NHL until a brief appearance with the Senators in 1993-94.

Laforest wasn't exactly known as a hothead, but in Philadelphia he did serve as the backup to Ron Hextall. Some of that may have rubbed off, because in 1989 he decided it would be a good idea to fight Sean Burke. It was not.

This is what happens when you let two redheads coach in the same NHL game.

This is actually one of the first (for lack of a better term) modern goalie fights I can remember. In the old days, goalie would pair off during bench-clearing brawls, but those had recently become extinct. This was one of the first times that a goalie got to do the full length-of-the-ice skate. Twice, as it turns out.

Most importantly, Sean Burke was legitimately one of the best fighting goalies ever. People remember Hextall or Patrick Roy or Billy Smith, and rightfully so, but Burke belongs right up there with them. Laforest actually does OK here; others were not as lucky.

As for Laforest, that Ottawa stint was it for his big-league career, which saw him appear in 103 games, posting 25 wins along with two shutouts and 65 penalty minutes. He played in the minors until 1996 and later went into coaching.

Be It Resolved

It was an interesting week for NHL interviews. A few days after Eberle's quotes hit the public, an even bigger star had even more interesting things to say. Lots more.

I know, right? I was shocked too. But there it was, in this Craig Custance piece in The Athletic. Somehow, he got Kings' defenseman Drew Doughty to open up about his contract status. And when he did, he started dropping bombs.

The article is behind a paywall so I won't cut-and-paste all the good bits here, but among other things it includes Doughty admitting that:

He's already thinking ahead to free agency in 2019.

He thinks money is important, and apparently doesn't feel the need to pretend otherwise.

He plans to talk with fellow UFA Erik Karlsson to maximize their potential payout.

He thinks he should make more than P.K. Subban.

This all might end with him playing somewhere else, and he sure sounds interested in the Maple Leafs (including him describing their coaching situation by saying, and I swear to you that this is a real quote, "Oh fuck, yeah. Babs.")

None of that should be especially shocking, but it kind of is when you hear it actually said by an NHL player. We know the drill by now. Doughty is supposed to say "Gosh, hadn't even thought about it, I'm just focused on playing, all I want to do is win and the rest of it will take care of itself." But he didn't. He told the truth. And it was kind of fascinating.

So this week, we have a Be It Resolved two-fer. First of all, be it resolved that nobody get all cranky with Doughty about actually saying something. That includes you, Kings fans, even though I'm sure the Maple Leafs stuff isn't playing well. We're all constantly complaining about how boring hockey players are, so we can't go filling our diapers the second somebody gets interesting.

And second of all, be it resolved that Custance has to take whatever magic pocket watch he dangled in front of Doughty's eyes to get him to talk like this and share it with the rest of us. No fair hogging, Craig. Spread the joy.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

With the NHL officially hitting the century mark last weekend—Sunday marked the 100th anniversary of the league's founding—it's tempting to look towards the future and try to figure out what the league will look like over the next 100 years. Luckily, we don't have to work too hard, because this decades-old Red Wings broadcast already covered it for us.

This clip seems to be from Detroit's PASS sports station, and would have aired in the early 90s. They're going to take a shot at what the next few decades hold. Let's see how they do.

We start off with a look back at the days when hockey was played outdoors, which is crazy because I'm pretty sure neither of those teams is even the Blackhawks. We also hear about how goalie pads are much bigger than ever before. If you consider that a good thing then boy, do I have exciting news for you, early 90s hockey fans.

We also hear about all of the "space age" equipment that modern players have, including "custom-fitted skates." Yeah, I bet it was rough back in the day when you just had to wear whatever size they had lying around.

We finally get to the predictions for 2050, and I just want to point out that the last clip before we jump into the future is of Steve Yzerman and the Tampa Bay Lightning. Does that count as an accurate prediction? I think it might have to.

So our first prediction of life in 2050 is…uh, Alaska looking like a beach due to global warming. Wow, this got dark in a hurry. I'm kind of depressed now. I sure hope future scientists are focused on preserving the climate so we don't all die.

Nope, they're making fake ice and bladeless jet skates. But "the air jets are non-polluting," so cool, close enough.

After way too many shots of some dude's toes, we move onto our next prediction: Hockey's expansion to the sun belt. That ended up happening, of course, although not quite as far south as Central America, as predicted here. We also get a look at the uniforms of 2050, which is clearly wrong since there aren't any ads plastered all over them.

I'm completely on board with the Lazer Stik, though. It's not so much the warp setting or $14,999 price tag, I just like the idea of a stick that doesn't break every third shift.

Side note: I wish I was as enthusiastic about anything in my life as announcer Marty Adler is about literally every sentence in this clip. Or, as he would put it: I wish I was as enthusiastic about anything in my life as this announcer is about LITERALL EVERY SENTENCE in this clip.

Next up is the helmet of the future, which includes a microphone, tiny TV screens, and even brain probes to foil opposition attempts at frequency jamming. Weird, I guess the Patriots are an NHL team in 2050.

Also, the helmets will have cameras in them, which is just ridiculous.

Coaches will apparently live in little rooms packed with screens, a bubble hockey game, and a button that's labelled DO NOT PUSH in giant letters. I'm kind of intrigued by that last one. I'm assuming Ken Holland has one in his office right now that starts the Red Wings rebuild.

We get a section about the puck being embedded with sensors that makes reviewing goals and offsides foolproof. That's pretty much guaranteed to happen at some point soon, and I'd give them credit for getting another one right if I weren't distracted by trying to figure out why the goalie of the future wears a blocker all the way up his entire arm.

There's a break halfway through, during which the future player stares at us for an uncomfortably long time. I have a lot of questions, like: Do everyone's eyebrows look that in 2050 or just hockey players? Does he wear the helmet all the time, or do the brain probes come off? And most importantly, can you please make him go away before I have nightmares?

The second half is focused on the fans, who will of course have flying cars because it's the future. Arenas will have retractable roofs, force fields and laser walls. And there will be two classes of fans, the elites who matter and the poors who don't. That sounds about right, nods Kevin Lowe.

I'm all in on the food chute—or, as Marty calls it, the FOOD CHUTE. But the rest of those luxury features sound awful. Can you imagine having a phone and a screen right in your face at all times? Sounds like an awful way to go through life.

No joke, the spinning section of the stands is a good idea and we should do that. Build that into your next arena proposal, Calgary.

We also hear about 3D holographic broadcast, which also seem pretty cool. You know, the future of hockey sounds like a lot of fun. I've almost forgotten that 2050 will feature uncontrolled global warming that will render the planet a dystopian nightmare and oh good they're here to remind me.

Yes, we're back to the warm weather thing, as we learn that the NHL will expand to Egypt and Guam on its way to becoming a 128-team league. Sorry, Hamilton, you were #129 on the list, we swear.

Just as we're trying to figure out why there are future divisions named after Rick Zombo and Walt Poddubny, our clip ends. Overall, they did reasonably well—they pretty much nailed outdoor games, puck sensors and helmet-cams, and they still have 33 years to get the rest of it. (You know, before we all die in the great flood.)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter @DownGoesBrown.

DGB Grab Bag: Bladeless Jet Skates, Regular Bladeless Skates, and Honesty published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv