#THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH WHAT ARE YOU SAYINGGGG | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

whatever-lmaoo · 5 months ago

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I kinda fan girled towards the bottom so there’s probably a good chunk of things that I missed🥹💗

#“with every thought of his life being at risk and that even though he was no longer yours, you might never see him again. “ I call that a double whammy 😞

#“the fact that he hadn't even given you the chance to be there for him stinging almost as much as him abandoning what you knew, or thought, you had.” That’s what I’m sayingggg like all you had to do was tell me so I could be there to support you through it😣

#“that your love for him simply wasn’t enough for him to want to hold onto while he was deployed,” literallyyy like damn didn’t realize being in love was a distraction instead of something that makes you look forward to coming home✋🏾😭

#This part is definitely giving “you were meant for me”🥹

#“You ate because you had to, but food tasted bleak and flavourless,” this is giving the beginning of Coraline with how dull and bland everything is, I imagine that it’s either raining or the clouds are so dark that it seems like the sky might cry with us at any moment

#“pausing almost anything in favour of stealing a piece of each other.” Oh he stole somethin alright 😤☹️right now he doesn’t deserve our tears girlie🥺

#“only to have it all come back the moment you got in your car and started your drive home,” this is probably going to sound weird but do you ever read or listen to something and associate that piece of content with color🥹 you definitely nailed the atmosphere because I picture every scene with a blueish grey hue casting over it

#“you felt bad that he probably felt obligated to talk to you.” I hate when people feel like they have to talk to me(although it’s more psychologically bc they don’t actually feel that way, I just assume it😭)

#“You look like shit.” I’d probably bust out laughing cuz it’s so true😭

#“Here and there. Not much of both if I’m honest.” We’re more alike than Will thinks🤞🏾

#“You gave a weak smile. “I couldn’t if I wanted to.” The sad truth😔

#Ma’ammm having Will’s voice count down to us was so dhjdhhdkkdn bringing it back to part 5 I see🥹🥺

#“What the fuck does that mean?” What do you think it means dodo, come on Will you are not ignorant 😭

#“he wanted Will to be honest, he would have to be too.” We appreciate honesty in this house🙌🏾

#“I can’t believe I did this to her,” that’s what I said

#“I wish she didn’t. She deserves better, not this shit…” we do deserve better and you can give us better as long as you put the work into it bubs

#“unable to know what the cause was so you could try to rectify it and simply get closure as to why it ended,” exactly what I said last part😭 like Willlll, I love you but goddamn are you frustrating me 😭

#“but in your head all you could think was how he wasn’t Will.” Quite the opposite actually😂 I see youuuuu, did you do that on purpose 🤭👀

#“a deep, smooth voice purred behind you” laurieeeee you can not do this to me, might fall for mystery man🥵

#“His eyes were even more alluring up close, and his crooked smirk was equally charming as it was sexy, the dark scruff around his mouth complimenting his olive complexion.” WHY ARE YOU DESCRIBING MY TYPE🙉 this is not okay, I’m gonna ignore the temptation and hold out for you Will😩

#“he pulled out a chair from the empty table beside yours and took a seat.” I can’t lie, I’m liking this man’s confidence 😂

#“You felt like crying, feeling a sense of guilt and anxiety bubble up in you, like you were betraying Will” aww🥺

#“your temper short and your patience gone,” like I said one in the same 🥹

#“drawing attention over to you by prying, judging eyes.” They never seen a girl pissed off before 🤨

#“as his brother I kinda always have to have his back, but it doesn't mean I’m on his side.” I love that so much🥹

#I love that despite our rusty relationship with Will we still connect with Benny on some level 🥰

#“not seeing a sweet message from Will like you used to whenever he wasn’t with you, and still holding hope that whenever it did buzz with a text, it would be Benny saying Will was back.” This would drive me insane 😭

#“nestling yourself under the covers on the side that Will used to occupy,” stop it🥺

#“How could it be so wrong to go back to a time when a version of you didn't haunt his dreams,” y’all already know why this is here😩😍🥺

#“thinking how you would give it all up in a heartbeat so Will could be happy and live a life with all of his worries put at ease even if it meant you couldn’t be a part of it.” I refuse to cry😭 Will I need you to fix this mess now, I can’t take it😭

#“You figured you were the last person he would want to see anyway,” throughout this scene I was imagining space cowboy playing in the back

#I knew itttttt!!! I was thinking he’d call us instead but this is even better😍 I think it was the perfect reunion for us, (is there still a small part of me that’s like mmmm, yes but it’s that type of feeling where you want him to know that you love and forgive him, and you also love yourself enough to not go through that a second time🥹I have a feeling we’re going to get something similar to this in their conversation, most likely in the next chapter, and I can’t wait!!) we’ve already been through so much separately, we know that Will is trying his best, and he’s also just getting back from a war, so I think them embracing each other’s presence and letting their strong connection do the speaking for them was such a great decision!!!

#“Breathe,” I see what you did there🫢

#“Will closed his eyes and fell asleep, his mind and body finding a peace he didn’t think he would ever have again.” You already know djfniffkfkfkfnfif🥺😩💗

#Okay let’s talk about it🥂(I feel like I’m on a podcast) another decision that I think made this reunion all the more special was how you revisited this idea that they communicate with their bodies. It’s something that’s unique to them. Most people would use their words and tone to convey how they’re feeling, but with them it’s easier to hone in on what the other person is thinking through physical contact. They can feel that there’s a change in the relationship with how they’re relearning the others body, however, they can also tell that there’s an unspoken forgiveness that out weighs any negative feelings because of the sheer intensity, passion, neediness and overall love that is being poured into this intimate moment between them. I was going to use some quotes from other parts, but I don’t want to risk turning this into a jumbled mess😂 I feel very passionate about this theory as you can tell and I just wanted you to know that I caught on to the way you insert this concept into almost every part🥰 I love and admire all of your choices because they all mean something to this story!!! You did a phenomenal job with this one Ms.Laurie🥹🌸✨

*I had an after thought: ^This concept is also a great example for any writers who struggle with dialogue but still want to show a strong bond between their characters!! And it doesn’t necessarily have to be a sex scene, it can be continuing to let them go through a routine with you, after a heated argument or something else that causes tension, like rubbing your back with lotion after a shower or cuddling up with each other during a movie despite what they may feel towards their partner in that moment. let me stop rambling 😭 anyways once again I think you outdid yourself with this one Laurie💖💖*

Breathe

Part 7

Pairing: Will 'Ironhead' Miller x female reader

Words: 6.9k

Warnings: Rated E, 18+. Swearing. Trauma/PTSD/nightmares/insomnia. Unprotected intercourse.

Summary: Unanswered questions amp up every emotion that time does nothing to lessen, and so much uncertainty raises the concern if everything will turn out okay or if moving on is the only answer.

A/N: Less hurt than the last chapter, I promise! Thank you to everyone who was so enthusiastic and responsive to it and made all that angst worth writing!

Photo by @avatarskingdom and edited by me. Please do not use without permission or credit. Headers by the wonderful @spaghettificationandpretzels!

Chapter Playlist

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

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You felt numb as much as you felt angry, scared and heartbroken.

It was all still so surreal, having to remind yourself constantly that Will broke up with you and was gone, the persistent sick feeling in your stomach growing with every thought of his life being at risk and that even though he was no longer yours, you might never see him again.

You did everything you could to understand his side of things, but with that your frustration increased wildly, the fact that he hadn't even given you the chance to be there for him stinging almost as much as him abandoning what you knew, or thought, you had.

Did he really believe you wouldn’t support him, that you didn’t care enough about him to give him space and time while he dealt with all the things he needed to, that your love for him simply wasn’t enough for him to want to hold onto while he was deployed, that everything you thought you had been building was broken and false?

The toaster popped, shooting your slice of bread out, making you jump after forgetting you were even waiting for it.

You ate because you had to, but food tasted bleak and flavourless, and everything that landed in your stomach felt like it sat there and made your nausea even worse.

You had made a whole lasagna earlier just because, giving you something to do for the better part of an hour, but the thought of eating it was so unappealing and you had the idea that maybe you would drop it off for Benny. Taking a bite out of the plain piece of toast, you thought how awful it might feel to go over to the Miller’s house right now, and decided against it, opting to freeze the lasagna for another time instead.

Another bite and the toast was in the trash, and you stood in the middle of your kitchen unmoving, not sure what to do with yourself next.

You hadn’t slept, and whether it was fatigue or just your grief pummeling you, you broke down and sobbed, your body shaking as the memory of Will holding you in his arms in this very spot flooded you, dancing one night while in the middle of cleaning up dinner, pausing almost anything in favour of stealing a piece of each other.

Work was a welcomed distraction, forcing you to go through the motions and function like everything was normal, able to allow you to bury your emotions for the course of a shift and nearly forget about what had happened, only to have it all come back the moment you got in your car and started your drive home, knowing you had nothing to look forward to.

You hadn’t been back to the gym since the day you saw both brothers there all beat up from their brawl with each other, your body too exhausted and weak to even consider working out, but as you sat at your kitchen table with nothing else to do, you went and changed into your gym clothes and drove over.

It was busy enough, observing the evening crowd enough to keep you entertained as you walked on the Stair Master, each step automatic and absent-minded.

Through a few people and machines you spotted Benny, resting on a bench between sets of chest presses, his smile and slightly awkward wave making you feel equally so, and as he stood and started weaving his way over to you, you felt bad that he probably felt obligated to talk to you.

You stopped the machine and stepped down, grabbing your things in the assumption you would probably feel like leaving after this conversation, your water bottle shaking in your hand that trembled with nerves and adrenaline.

“Hey,” Benny said, somewhat hesitantly.

“Hey, Benny,” you answered, smoothing your hand over your sweaty hair.

“How’re you doing?”

You sighed, looking down at the floor as you shook your head. “Do you want the fake answer or the honest one?”

Benny huffed a laugh in understanding. “You look like shit.”

You laughed out of disbelief, bringing yourself to look at him as he scratched his head and tried to recover.

“I mean- fuck.”

“No, I look like shit. Feel like it too,” you confirmed, reassuring his observations.

“Are you looking after yourself?” he asked, his face full of concern.

You shrugged, “As much as I can, I guess.”

He nodded, sympathetic to your feelings. “Are you eating? Sleeping?”

“Here and there. Not much of both if I’m honest.”

“Yeah, I get it. Just do your best even though it’s hard.”

You hummed. “Does it get any easier?”

He tilted his head a bit. “Does what get easier?”

“The worry, the waiting…”

“Oh, uh…” he pulled his ball cap up off his head, smoothed his hair back and placed it back on again, this time backwards. “Yeah, I guess we all just get used to it in a way. But I’d be lying if I said that everyday you’re half expecting to get that phone call…”

He saw the tears in your eyes well to the surface, and unlike most times, Benny felt a bit speechless.

“I can’t stop thinking about him,” you admitted, your words not even directed at Benny, but rather said aloud simply because you couldn’t keep them in.

“Ugh, I’m sorry,” you went on, wiping your eyes and shaking your head like it would suddenly shake away your feelings. “I’m gonna get going, see you later.”

“Yeah, of course,” Benny responded, his voice soft. “Hey,” he called after you, making you pause and turn half-way to face him.

“Just don’t give up on him yet.”

You gave a weak smile. “I couldn’t if I wanted to.”

You made it to your car before you really fell apart, the tears coming down your face so hot and fast you could barely see to unlock the door, and when you flopped down into the seat, you rested your head against the steering wheel and wept.

The most overwhelming sense of panic came over you, taking control over everything and trapping you in it, your mind racing with every horrible thought imaginable, and before you could realize, your breathing had turned short and gasping, your mouth desperately trying to suck in air between sobs.

Your hands wrapped around yourself, squeezing you tighter than the grip of the anxiety attack was, feeling your whole body shaking and trembling and all you wanted to do was scream.

That was when Will’s soothing voice popped in your head, urging you to focus on your breaths and count each one, the sound of the numbers in his even tone allowing you to stop the panic, and you began counting out loud until your breathing eventually leveled out.

How could the same person who was the reason you were feeling this way manage to help calm you, you thought, exhaling slowly as everything around you started to come into focus again.

You ran your hands over your face, your body still shaking with each inhalation though they had become more regular, knowing that as much as you were hurt and betrayed, you still loved Will more than you could imagine loving anything.

Benny’s phone rang not thirty seconds after he’d just hung up, Will’s number lighting up his screen suspiciously close to him ending his conversation with Tom.

He pressed the green button to answer it, and before he could even get out a ‘hey’, Will’s voice stopped him.

“Are you checking up on me?”

“Uhh-”

“I heard Redfly talking to you, idiot.”

Benny scratched his head, trying to gauge which way this was about to go.

“If you’re wondering how I am, just ask me, Ben.”

“Yeah, well, sometimes that’s easier said than done,” he quipped, recalling how many forced conversations they’d had lately where Will gave short, vague answers to everything.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

Benny sighed, lifting his arm up in exasperation before letting it fall and hit his side, “I dunno, man, I just thought I’d get a truthful answer out of Redfly over you. He’s with you every day and can tell how you are.”

He heard Will sigh, and Benny took the pause as a chance to give his brother the opportunity to tell him for himself.

“So, how are you, then?”

Will sighed heavily again. “I don’t fucking know anymore. Okay, I guess?” he said, his uncertainty clear.

“Tom said things are going well with the op, and despite it all you seem like you’ve got your head in the game.”

“Yeah, that’s all fine,” Will explained, like his role as a Captain on this tour was the least of his worries. “It’s everything else…”

“Yeah…” Benny agreed, holding space for Will to continue.

“How’s she doing? Have you seen her?”

“Saw her at the gym yesterday,” Benny said carefully, trying to decide if it would be better or worse to tell him she wasn’t doing well, but ultimately knowing if he wanted Will to be honest, he would have to be too. “She’s not doing good, man.”

Will was silent, making Benny pull the phone away from his ear to check if the call had dropped or not.

“I can’t believe I did this to her,” he said quietly.

“Yeah, well,” Benny said flatly, “What’s done is done, now you just have to focus on finishing this job and getting back home so you can fix it.”

“Do you think there will be anything left to fix?”

Benny blew the air out of his mouth slowly. “That’s up to you two. If you both want it to work out…”

“That’s what I’m worried about. By the time I get back she’ll have moved on and learned to hate me.”

“You don’t know that,” Benny countered. Able to tell the expression that would be on Will’s face right now, he continued. “She still loves you man.”

“I wish she didn’t. She deserves better, not this shit…”

Benny’s heart ached for his brother, hating that he was going through this on top of being back in action, praying his stress didn’t get the better of him or be the cause of any fatal mistakes.

“Listen, man, I gotta go,” Will spoke, his voice weak and quiet.

“Yeah, okay. Be careful out there.”

“Always.”

The beep of the call ending sounded in Benny’s ear before there was even the chance to consider saying anything else, and he hoped Will would hang onto the thought that maybe it wasn’t all lost yet.

Days turned into weeks, but the amount of time that was passing didn’t help to make things feel any better, making you wonder every day if it would ever stop hurting.

Anger grew as you wracked your brain combing through every detail of every conversation and act that could've led to this, wondering where it was that you went wrong, but you still couldn’t pinpoint the moment Will gave up on loving you or what it was that made him peel away. It almost hurt just as much as him being gone did, unable to know what the cause was so you could try to rectify it and simply get closure as to why it ended, your heart like an open wound that would never heal.

You looked at yourself in the mirror one last time before exiting your room, on your way to meet two of your girlfriends for a quiet drink, your attempts to refuse unaccepted.

You couldn’t deny that it would possibly help get your mind off of Will, but you knew it was futile as everything you did and everywhere you went, he was there.

“That guy can’t stop looking over here at you,” Grace said through a grin as she nudged you with her elbow, and you twisted in your chair slightly to follow her gaze.

You took a sip of your wine as you assessed the man with dark brown hair and brown eyes staring directly at you, his smile bright and clean, his lips plump and inviting.

You said nothing as you turned back to your friends, raising your eyebrows as if that was a response that would appease anyone.

“Come on, he’s gorgeous!” Nicole urged, tilting her head indignantly.

“I never said he wasn’t!” you defended, but in your head all you could think was how he wasn’t Will.

“You need a rebound fuck,” Grace suggested, and the thought made your stomach flip.

“I’m not ready for any of that yet,” you admitted, hoping they would understand how raw everything still felt.

“We know,” Nicole sympathized, giving your hand a squeeze as she placed hers overtop, and you knew they would support you in anything whether it was continuing to miss Will with every part of your being or hooking up with the next man who walked by.

“Oh shit, he’s coming over,” Grace blurted, adjusting in her seat as a wide smile appeared on her face.

Your heart plummeted in your gut, and you sighed, praying this wouldn’t be as horribly awkward as you were expecting it to be, trying to find the energy to be kind and cordial despite not wanting to.

“I hope I’m not interrupting,” a deep, smooth voice purred behind you, and you felt the demand of his presence as he stood beside your chair.

His eyes were even more alluring up close, and his crooked smirk was equally charming as it was sexy, the dark scruff around his mouth complimenting his olive complexion.

You swallowed, feeling unable to find words, and with a low chuckle, it prompted him to continue.

“I couldn’t help but want to come over to say hi and introduce myself.” He spoke with such confidence, his voice so seductive. “I’m Cam.”

He held out his hand for you to shake, and you did, feeling your hand tremble slightly before he took it in a firm grip and moved it up and down once on your behalf.

You introduced yourself as well as Nicole and Grace who you wanted to kick under the table for how they were gawking at him, but not as much as you wanted to crawl under it to hide away as he pulled out a chair from the empty table beside yours and took a seat.

“Can I get you ladies another round?”

“Oh, yes please!” the girls chimed, seeming completely enthusiastic about him joining you.

You assessed his hand for any ring as he waved the waitress over, requesting for the same drinks to be brought to the table, feeling relieved there was no band wrapped around his ring finger, but something about him still felt off to you.

He’s not Will, your mind reminded you, and you took a long drink of your wine to try to swallow the sour feeling stirring in your gut.

It was comfortable enough talking to him, even catching yourself laughing at some of the things he said and genuinely having a good time, but every time you felt yourself liking something about him, there was one thing you found you didn’t.

He’s not Will.

You found yourself lost in his chocolate eyes as he spoke to you, imagining instead they were clear blue and held a brightness that reflected the love you had learned to see shine through them, only to be reminded that that wasn’t something that existed for you anymore, and you blinked back to the reality you faced.

“Would it be too forward of me if I asked for your number?” Cam asked, his eyebrows raising on his forehead in a hopeful, but confident expression.

“Hm, yeah, sure,” you replied, picking his phone up from the table that he slid over to you and typed your number into a text message along with your name, sending it to yourself.

“I’ll call you,” he said, standing from his seat where he continued to smile at you.

Your eyes followed him as he walked over to the bar to pay his tab, feeling something stir in you as he looked back over his shoulder at you one last time before he sauntered out of the bar, everything about him charming and gorgeous.

But he wasn’t Will.

“Are you going to go out with him?” Nicole asked excitedly, the looks on both your friend’s faces confusing you like you missed something they hadn’t.

“Umm,” you pondered, trying to wrap your head around the situation, the three glasses of wine making your head feel fuzzy. “I- I don’t know.”

You felt like crying, feeling a sense of guilt and anxiety bubble up in you, like you were betraying Will and being unfaithful despite the reminder that he wasn’t yours slapping you in the face and twisting your heart in your chest.

A few days had passed since your night out with the girls, and as expected, a text from Cam had come through asking to take you for dinner, the invitation sitting ignored and unresponded to in your messages.

Every time you opened your phone to reply, you would see Will’s name a few spots down from Cam’s, the contrast between them and what was past and what was present making you wish more than ever that you could go back in time and try to mend whatever it was that took Will away from you.

You didn't recall ever being so irritable, your temper short and your patience gone, a toss up whether you would scream or cry at the drop of a hat becoming the daily gamble.

The gym didn’t even seem to allay these frustrations, and as you tried to adjust the height of the rack bracket and it got stuck, you felt that blanket of red creeping up through you.

Cursing under your breath, you wiggled the pin again and again, tugging and jostling it to try to get it to move, the clanking of the metal against metal drawing attention over to you by prying, judging eyes.

“Need help?”

You sighed with relief, hearing the familiar voice that belonged to Benny, closing your eyes and counting your breaths as he stepped in and adjusted it for you.

“Thank you,” you muttered, avoiding meeting his eyes as shame washed over you.

“You alright?”

You forced the air out of your lungs again, still not meeting his piercing gaze.

“I'm just so angry and there's nothing I can do about it,” you admitted, your tone defeated.

“I understand that,” Benny drawled, leaning against the squat rack.

You felt him studying you, almost as if he was debating saying something.

“He asks about you every time I talk to him…”

It felt like the wind was knocked right out of you, and somehow you managed to speak.

“He does?”

Your bewilderment seemed to confuse Benny, his face screwed up as he looked at you like it was the most obvious and normal thing.

“Yeah?”

You covered your face with your hands, letting out a growl that did nothing to signify your frustration at the situation.

“I still don’t know what I did wrong. He stopped staying the night and became more and more distant each time I saw him…” You paused briefly, trying to put your thoughts in order. “Then he just stopped altogether and the next time we spoke he ended it, and now you’re saying he asks about me?”

“He didn’t tell you about his nightmare?” Benny asked, his shock blatant.

You shook your head, your brows knitted tightly together. “No?”

Benny sighed and rolled his eyes, shifting on his feet as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Jesus Christ…okay,” he groaned, exasperated by his brother’s ability to consistently make things worse.

You stood there unmoving as Benny explained what had happened, going over all the details Will had told him of his nightmare and his reactions to it, and you felt cold despite having worked up a sweat from what you had done in your routine already.

“I told him he wouldn't actually hurt you but he was so messed up from it. I think it was days before he managed to sleep after that,” Benny said, his tone sad. “I've only seen him that distraught after a nightmare a couple times before.”

“Why wouldn’t he have said anything to me?” you asked, your voice a whisper.

Benny shrugged, “I think he was scared. And then knowing he was leaving on top of it…it was just too much for him.”

You nodded, rubbing your hands on your arms for some sort of comfort, feeling like your heart was breaking all over again, but this time for Will rather than because of him.

“I’m not making excuses for him,” Benny went on, leaning with his arms up on the barbell that hung across the rack. “I don’t agree with what he did, I just know how messy things can get in that head of his, and as his brother I kinda always have to have his back, but it doesn't mean I’m on his side.”

You nodded, at a loss for words as your mind tried to process everything.

It was a helpless feeling, having some sort of understanding now but unable to do anything about it, wondering if you should send Will a message or have Benny pass one along, but all you wanted to tell him was you loved him and that was probably something he didn’t need right now.

“Thanks for telling me,” you said softly, all of your anger replaced with sadness and worry, your heart aching in your chest.

Time continued to pass but did nothing to heal, each day marking another one gone without a word between you and Will, leaving you more unclear than ever at what to do, feeling that if he wanted anything to do with you, he would’ve reached out by now.

Not wanting to put Benny in the middle of it, you never once asked him to interfere or treated him as a messenger, only asking how his brother was doing when he hadn’t told you on his own and thankful that he usually would provide an update anyway knowing you were wondering.

The last time you saw the younger Miller you had dropped off a week’s worth of food, having prepped a variety of high fat and carb meals, helping to get him ready for his upcoming fights in a new weight class.

Cooking for Benny was just the type of distraction you needed, feeling useful and productive and able to put this latent energy into something good for someone else, offering to make his meals for him each week so he didn’t have to worry about his nutrition while focusing on his training.

He had told you as he helped unload all the food from your car that Will was due to return home soon, a matter of days or weeks but there was no exact date yet, and every time you went to the gym or to the grocery store, you braced yourself for a run-in with the man you couldn’t stop thinking about.

You finished washing your face and brushing your teeth, checking your phone one last time before leaving it on your dresser for the night, never getting used to the disappointment you felt at not seeing a sweet message from Will like you used to whenever he wasn’t with you, and still holding hope that whenever it did buzz with a text, it would be Benny saying Will was back.

Your anxiousness was getting the better of you, feeling like it was worsening each day to the point you were struggling to sleep even more than what had now become your normal, never resting for more than a couple of hours at a time if you were lucky.

So many things passed through your mind in those hours spent awake, some of which consisted of that outstanding offer for a date with Cam, not declining it yet despite knowing it was something you didn’t want anything to do with. Nicole and Grace would still bring it up whenever you talked but didn’t put any pressure on you, both of them knowing deep down you were happiest with Will, and you weren’t about to jeopardize any remaining chance with him until you knew for sure that there was an absolute finality to your relationship.

Not feeling tired but knowing you needed to try to sleep, you crawled into bed, nestling yourself under the covers on the side that Will used to occupy, closing your eyes in hopes your mind would drum up the memory of his arms wrapped around you.

You knew you shouldn't do it, knowing it wasn't helping you move on and that some might deem it unhealthy, but every time you laid in bed you imagined him with you and it was becoming the only thing that would get you to sleep.

It had been your haven; the warmth of his body and your limbs tired and wonderfully achy from sex providing all the comfort you needed to drift off, both of you usually able to sleep soundly with the exception of Will having the occasional nightmare until his mind plagued him with the one that he couldn’t get past.

How could it be so wrong to go back to a time when a version of you didn't haunt his dreams, when you had brought each other nothing but love and understanding and a sense of safety and security? You kept replaying what Benny had told you about his nightmare over and over, the sense of guilt you had over it working to torture you just as much as the dream tormented Will.

You sighed, squeezing your eyelids tight, doing everything in your power to recall the feel of his lips on your neck, his breath ghosting over your skin as he wished you goodnight, his beard scratching against you in the most addicting way as he tucked his face as close to yours as he could.

Tears started to spring from your eyes the harder you shut them, thinking how you would give it all up in a heartbeat so Will could be happy and live a life with all of his worries put at ease even if it meant you couldn’t be a part of it.

Will picked at the frayed laces on his boot as he listened to the dial tone, one leg bent to rest on his knee while waiting for Benny to pick up, excited to share the news that he was flying home tomorrow and to get an update on Benny’s training, knowing he had been working hard to put on the last few pounds needed to put him in the Light Heavyweight class.

“Sup, bro?” he finally answered, out of breath.

“Hey, Ben. You running?”

“Just in the middle of some light spars. Got my first fight tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Yeah, buddy!” he hollered, his excitement palpable through the phone.

“That’s awesome, Benny,” Will praised, proud of his brother for reaching his goal.

“How’re you doing?” Benny panted.

“I’m okay,” he paused, planting his foot down so both were on the ground and scratching his head. “Coming in tomorrow.”

“Fuck, seriously?”

“Yeah…”

“Shit. The fight is in Fort Myers, I can’t pick you up, man.”

Will tried his best to disguise his disappointment, his leg bouncing as he tried to level his voice.

“It’s fine, I’ll take a cab or get Redfly to drop me off,” he suggested, knowing he wouldn’t even ask his friend since Tom would be so eager to be reunited with his girls.

Benny sighed, “You sure?”

“Yeah, it’s not a big deal. I’m just sorry I’ll miss that fight.”

“There will be more, don’t worry,” he assured. “Safe flight home, eh?”

“Thanks Benny. Good luck tomorrow. Knock ‘em dead.”

Benny chuckled, “Yeah, I will. See you soon, bro.”

Will ended the call and sat for a minute, the bit of excitement he felt about coming home diminished, feeling a sense of dejection that he officially had no one there for him.

He considered all of his options, the thought of reaching out to you even crossing his mind, but knew that he couldn’t and he would just have to settle for whatever warm welcome the cab driver wouldn’t provide him.

He blew air out of his mouth slowly, starting to feel like he couldn't capture a proper breath, closing his eyes as the sense of self-inflicted and well-deserved dread he was now accustomed to consumed him.

One, two, three…he counted, the numbers switching from the sound of his own voice to yours, repeating them with each breath in and out until he secured a consistent pattern.

Tomorrow.

You knew what it meant without any other context, the single word appearing on your screen from Benny making your heart jump into your throat, and you grabbed the edge of the countertop behind you with shaky hands as you leaned against it.

He had promised to tell you when he knew for sure and here it was, the day you had hoped for for so long, but one you were also terrified for.

Will was coming home.

As a slew of emotions ran through you, it dawned on you that his arrival happened to be on the same day as Benny’s fight, and you wondered if that meant anyone would be there to welcome him home.

You picked up your phone to reply to Benny, thinking of asking him who was planning to pick Will up from base, but as soon as you started typing the message, you hit the arrow to delete it, putting your phone back down on the counter.

It wasn’t your business, you told yourself, fighting every urge to make it yours, the thought of Wil returning home from the hells he faced with no one there for him breaking your heart.

You figured you were the last person he would want to see anyway, and knowing you had the potential to send him even more over the edge made you feel sick, thinking of how much had changed from when you were the one who used to bring him peace.

The flight was long, and it felt like every muscle in Will’s body ached as he walked off the plane and waited to board the bus that would bring them to the base station, feeling so close but still so far from being home.

There was continuous chatter around him, the excitement of all the soldiers about reuniting with their loved ones making Will feel happy and sad at the same time, and he did his best to seem enthused when asked if he was looking forward to going home.

He checked his phone more times than he needed to, having sent Benny a text that he had landed to which he responded with a thumbs up emoji, part of him hoping that there would be something from you, only to remember he didn’t deserve any grace for his actions.

He was getting everything he deserved, he thought as he pressed his head back against the headrest after sitting down, sighing out slowly while closing his eyes, finding it amusing that being alone was something he was both looking forward to and completely dreading.

It wasn’t long before the bus arrived at base, and Will remained in his seat until everyone else had gotten off, not wanting his fellow troops who were so eager to hold their loved ones to be held up by him who was only going to wait for a fucking cab.

He slung his bag over his shoulder and made his way through people hugging, a weak smile forming on his lips in seeing one of his friends holding his newborn baby, and not far off did he watch Tom embrace both of his daughter’s in his arms, picking them up and swinging them around until they were screaming with delight.

After making his way to the doors, he pulled out his phone and looked up the number for a taxi, rubbing his other hand over his tired eyes roughly, praying it wouldn’t take long for one to show up.

The area he stood in was quiet with everyone else still lingering behind, but he glanced up when he noticed a couple walking past hand-in-hand, pausing to steal a kiss.

Will was about to hit the number to dial for Taxi Tampa when he looked up again, his eyes landing on a familiar face and one he couldn’t forget even if he tried.

You had just walked in and were stopped in your tracks as you noticed him at the same time, your face a mix of so many emotions that Will could hardly pick one out.

You gave a small shrug and shook your head, silently explaining that you didn’t really know what you were doing there, and Will all but choked as he tried to take a breath, his shock in seeing you completely overwhelming.

He dropped his bag and let his phone fall on top of it, stepping toward you in purposeful strides, his eyes welling up just the same as yours were.

“I wasn’t sure if I should even come but…I had to show up for you,” you shook out, Will’s hands reaching to cup your face, his thumbs smoothing your cheeks as tears started to fall down them.

He nodded in response, unable to say anything, his own tears breaking their threshold as you grabbed onto his forearms, rubbing them through his shirt as he continued to hold onto you.

He pulled you into a hug, relieved when you embraced him just as hard, feeling himself relax into you, his face nuzzling your head.

“I’m sorry,” he cried, alternating his remorse with ‘thank you’ between pressing kisses onto your forehead and hair, your sobs making your body lurch against his.

Your hands pawed at his back, clawing at his fatigues like you were trying to hold onto him for good, and Will prayed with everything he had that you never would let go.

He wasn’t sure how long you stayed like that for, but he eventually felt himself calm down, relishing in holding you and being in your presence again, knowing he would do everything in his power to make every bit of hurt up to you.

Will inhaled deeply, letting it go slowly out of his mouth, feeling like he could finally breathe properly again after all this time.

It was surreal to be in his arms, his warm embrace something you missed more than you imagined you could have, the feel of his body on yours and his scent surrounding you so familiar.

His heartbeat thrummed in your ear as you continued to rest your face on his chest, hearing his breathing having evened out and realizing yours had done the same.

You reluctantly pulled away to look at him, still keeping your arms locked around his middle. “Should we get you home?”

Will’s mouth turned up on one side, his crooked smirk making you melt.

“Yeah,” he nodded, his hand falling to land on your lower back as you both turned to where his bag was left on the floor.

You expected a moment like this to feel awkward, but it was anything but, like you were learning each other all over again, standing in Will’s room with your arms around each other’s waist, your faces so close and your lips inches from touching.

Finally, Will leaned into you, softly pressing his lips on yours, making you hold your breath as you let your eyes close and kissed him back, a broken moan transferring into his mouth as you forced yourself to try to take in air again.

His hand ran across your back, pulling you close to him as he took a step into you, your shirt slipping up so his palm splayed out on your skin, that sensation alone making you shiver in addition to how good it felt to have his lips on yours again.

Kisses grew more intense as each second ticked by, only pausing when he lifted your shirt over your head, and despite feeling so desperate, you both continued to keep every touch slow and careful.

His fingers pinched the clasp of your bra together to release it, moving the straps down your shoulders until it fell from your body, returning his hands to your arms where he trailed his fingertips up them to your neck and then down to your bare chest.

You found the buttons on his shirt, blindly unfastening each one until you were able to peel it open, feeling his smooth chest and the defined muscles of his torso, his warmth radiating out onto you.

Will reached up to take hold of your face, angling your head to press his tongue deeper in your mouth, stealing every bit of air from you in the process.

Breathe, your mind begged, but kissing him was better than breathing.

The rough material of his fatigues brushed against your nipples, making your breath hitch in your throat even more, your body moving to rub against him again to replicate the feeling.

You were rid of your pants and underwear next, leaving you naked while Will remained in his uniform, but the intoxicating feel of your skin on his bare chest let him know that he needed to have as much skin-on-skin contact as possible, and he tore the garment off his upper body quickly before moving to his pants.

Once you were bared to each other, you returned to your slow caresses, touching and exploring with light fingers and hands, your pleasure brought on purely by love.

You stopped kissing him for a moment, teasing your lips on his until you managed to whisper, your voice thick with lust.

“I need you, Will. I need you inside me.”

His nose nudged your cheek as he agreed with the nod of his head, his hands clasping your face again like he feared if he went too long without kissing you, you would vanish.

He took your hand and led you to the bed, sitting down on it and shifted back slightly where you followed, straddling his lap and wrapping your arms around his neck, looking into his vibrantly blue eyes as he gazed at you lovingly.

His hands slid all along your back, bringing you closer to his body before they landed on your legs, guiding you to put them straight so they were behind him and you were seated flush against his lap.

You breathed out slowly as your forehead rested against his, feeling his cock settle at your folds, and when you moved your hips ever so slightly, you gasped at the sensation.

Will kissed along your jawline, his hands massaging your hips, ready to assist as you lifted yourself enough to reach between your bodies and take hold of his cock, guiding him to your entrance where you slowly sank onto his length.

Short, shuddered breaths were exchanged between you before you found each other’s lips again, and you gradually began to move together, finding a tempo that sang to you and helped display the love that had been missing.

Will held onto every part of you that he could, grasping at you as you rocked and rode him, his hips jutting up into yours in slow, meticulous thrusts to give you everything you needed, feeling your desperation grow while his did too.

Your clit rubbed against the coarse hairs above his cock, grinding until you were at the edge, the way your wet walls clenched around and encased him driving him to the brink what felt like faster than ever.

Even though you were both quick to arrive at your climaxes, nothing about it was rushed, savouring each movement to get there and not taking a single second for granted, every emotion felt transferred through your bodies.

Will kissed you hard, groaning into your mouth as he came undone, coating your walls and filling you completely with his hot cum that started to leak out of you as you continued to move on his shaft, your orgasm lagging just seconds behind.

Your fingers clawed at the back of his neck, scratching and digging into his flesh as your body took every bit of pleasure from him, the seal of your mouths breaking as you both panted for air, his head falling into the hollow of your neck while yours rested on the side of his, his hair soft on your cheek.

His mouth smeared wet across your collarbone as he moved his face, pressing sloppy, lazy kisses onto your skin as he continued to hold you close, feeling his chest and back expand and contract with each heavy breath while you kept your arms secured around him.

Will brought you with him as he laid down on his sheets, your bodies still connected, his fingertips tracing your hairline before he leaned toward you and kissed your lips again.

After a few more minutes of kissing, you tucked your face into his neck, your legs entwining with his, Will rolling over onto his back where he held your hand and brought it to rest on his chest.

A silent agreement seemed to settle between you to leave the talking until tomorrow, right now needing to simply be with each other, and like nothing had ever gone wrong, Will closed his eyes and fell asleep, his mind and body finding a peace he didn’t think he would ever have again.

---

Taglist:

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#10/10 would read again🥹#more like infinity/10 would read again🙊🌸✨#author rec pookies👻🌸#top tier writer🙂‍↔️#top tier writing🤞🏾#one of my faves😍#pure talent 🤩

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cafeeden · 6 years ago

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Wednesday July 4, 2018 I get to the YWAM 4th of July BBQ a little late with Kristin and Soli. The ice breakers are about what our dreams are, and what is stopping us from pursuing it. What a random (and vulnerable) ice breaker question to have. I shared mine. A few people around the circle go by, and Jinah shares. She owns a restaurant in Troy, NY called “SunHee’s” and their mission is to empower refugees and immigrants. I need to connect with her. I later find out through Richard Song that Allen Park apparently has a dream to open up a cafe as well. I missed his turn to share during ice breakers because I arrived late. “You know, just sayinggggg, but Allen wants to open a cafe too, just sayingggg.” We talk about it under the fireworks on the school lawn in Sleepy Hollow, NY. This cafe dream that has been immobilized with fear in me has revitalized itself through this BBQ.

Thursday July 12, 2018 12:45 PM - I call Jinah on the phone. For 30 minutes, I talk her through my fears. She says it very well can fail. But “know who you are without this dream.” Even if it fails, will I be able to know who I am, let alone praise God? She says “Let’s keep up with each other - shoot me some action steps. One phone call is just motivation. But we need accountability.”

I go back to work after my lunch break and print out 100 market research surveys. I’m excited to do this.

Friday, July 13, 2018 It’s the annual BDO Monmouth Racetrack outing. It doesn’t start until 12 PM, so I take the morning to Rahway with my surveys. Nervously, excitedly. My line is “I’m thinking about opening up a coffee shop on this corner and was wondering if I can get your opinion on it.”

One black woman was apparently dyslexic, so I read the survey questions to her. She has previously suffered a stroke and couldn’t pronounce words with an ‘s’. She said she didn’t drink coffee, but likes “s-s-s-” -- “Soda,” I finish her sentence. “Yes.” I tell her thank you so much for her time. She touches my shoulder caringly, and carries on.

Another white man walks by. A sloppy t-shirt, basketball shorts, and flip flops. I use my practiced line. He continues walking past me, while listening, and says “I gotta open up right now, but it’s a good idea, I’ll come back out” and turns the key to The Irving Inn. I assume he won’t come back out, but I squeeze in a “I’d like to hear!” as he disappears into the restaurant. I ask a couple more people passing by.

He actually does come back out. “So what do you want to know?” I share a bit with him. He shares his opinion-- it’s a good idea. His partner has wanted to open one too. This guy’s name is Jesse and he’s the owner of The Irving Inn. At that moment, two men are crossing the street towards us.

“Hey Joe, hey Matt!” Jesse says. “Hey are you in a rush? Do you have a second? This is Carol, she’s thinking about opening up a coffee shop on this corner.” We take a few steps towards them and Joe says “It would be wonderful.” He’s the city of Rahway’s community development leader. He asks if I want to take a walk with him to this youth program he was heading towards. Leads me to some vacant storefront that was being used as a youth center before it gets demolished. We talk more and Joe is really excited about this cafe. He hands me a Rahway Doggy Meetup flyer and says to come back out at 6:30 PM to meet some locals and get their opinion too. “I’d love to stay in touch and see how we can convince you to be here.”

I’m back out on the corner of Irving when I hear “Carol!”. Turning around, it’s Jesse. He wants to introduce me to Heather, his friend who manages the Instagram account “rahwayhappening” in her free time. “She loves to give her two cents on everything, I’m sure she’d be happy to give yours.” Heather pulls up with iced Dunkin for Jesse. She’s thrilled about the coffee shop. “Love it, love everything you’re saying. Love it. Coffee ice cubes. Please.” She excitedly fills out my survey.

Jesse suggests that I come back out that night to check out the Friday night nightlife. I say I probably will.

I go spend a couple hours at the BDO outing and come back to Rahway for the doggy meetup. I meet Joe’s girlfriend, Serena who is bowing to me for taking initiative over a coffee shop. Meanwhile there’s this woman Chi Chi who has no pup, as hers died recently. But she’s a former bar owner and definitely a realist. She is shocked by how high the rent is at $2,400 and isn’t convinced that the people of Rahway will go. She says it needs to be $1,000. I enjoy the input with free cotton candy and water.

I also meet a gay couple named Ryan and Justin there. Justin has previously thought about opening up a coffee shop in the Gilded Lily white house, but ended up opening a trucking business instead. Then there was their friend named Bob, a RNA-scientist from DC who suggests a Latin green tea drink called “matte.”

8 PM - Karl McGregor meets me at the doggy meetup. We head over to The Irving Inn and head straight back to the bar. It’s such a hidden gem. Jesse is now seen in a blue dress shirt and khaki dress pants with a towel slung neatly over his forearm, serving water to guests. Karl and I take a seat at the bar. Jesse comes by and says “It’s good to see you,” with a handshake as I introduce Karl to him too. I order a gin & tonic, Karl orders a num-something. We get the Korean corn dish for me and chicken wings for the Jamaican and get talking. Jesse joins us eventually and shares a bottle of 2016 Sancerre while he eats a fish dish. The wine is great but I don’t know much for bad wine either. Karl says it reminds him of sour beer, and Jesse totally agrees. We all spend the night talking and suddenly it’s 11:30. Jesse offers to take us on a little tour of Rahway.

We go around the block, and visit Rahway Fried Chicken. Ralph is there. I expected him to be a big black guy, but Ralph is like this Pacific Islander in his late 20s. Wearing a Rutgers shirt but went to Kean. Ralph is also all over the cafe idea. He helped open up the frame shop on E Cherry. Ralph is huge with the development of Rahway. Ralph tells me that he’d love to let me know the comparable lease prices in the area so that I can have negotiating power with Matt. Matt is apparently a highly recruited realtor by landlords because he gets the highest prices. How glad I am to have met Ralph. All these folks really. We exchange info and it’s midnight. Karl and Jesse shake hands. Jesse shakes my hand and kisses me on the cheek. Karl and I go home.

Saturday, July 14, 2018 9 AM we’re at Cai’s cafe. The coffee is horrible. The peanut butter toast is so peanut buttery that I can’t swallow it. But Karl talks my ear off being his consultant and caring self. I realize my vision is all over the place. He tells me I need to sit down and find out my mission statement. My mission statement is me. My business is my baby and a reflection of the parent. But I need to word vomit everything and then cross out whatever does not serve my mission statement. That’s my most important task.

Jesse texts me that he’s going to Restaurant Depot and that I should join in on this field trip, as it’s one I’ll be making often. And that he’ll show me to Coffee Mill Roasters. I meet him in town at 1 PM. His silver Dodge RAM. How am I in the car with this dude I met 24 hours ago? He’s like 15 years older than me. We go, and the prices are much higher than I thought things would be. The freaking plastic dishwashing crate for cups is $39. “What am I looking at right now? Is this the right price?” Jesse says it is. He got 2 brooms, soap, and new glasses for his restaurant. The damage is $140 “for BS-- things that don’t generate revenue for me but I have to buy.” On the line for check-out, he says “You look scared.” I don’t remember what my response was, because I was. “I wish you didn’t bring me here, but I’m glad you did.” -- “You needed to see this,” he said.

We drive to Coffee Mill Roasters. Genero, the owner he talked about, no longer owns it. Jesse buys for us and we sit outside and talk a little while. I tell him how scatterminded I am and where I’m confused. He says I need the lean business plan-- a canvas-- with a simple menu, and a mission statement. I will need a head barista. He shares about his Chef, and his profit-sharing method. But Jesse really says I need to hone in on finishing this task. I listen with such intent. I feel my daddy issues arising. I feel cared for by this older guy. It’s a scary feeling to be attracted to someone that, in every other sense, is not attractive.

On the drive back to Rahway, Jesse talks more about Millburn and what a cool area it is. I talk about wanting to check out more of it. “You want to come back here sometime?” he asks. “Yeah” I quickly answer. “Oh God...” I think. He asks where I want to travel and I answer Iceland and New Zealand. New Zealand is apparently on his list along with Peru. He loves hiking. I say I don’t. I hope he doesn’t ask me to hike. Back at my car, we hug and say bye. It doesn’t feel like “just a hug.”

On the drive up to Soli’s house, I am freaking out with how real my daddy issues are. “What are his intentions?” I keep asking. It’s not just that he’s about business. I am really, really, freaking out.

Worked out and had dinner with Soli. Talked about our daddy issues. At the end of our dinner date, we drive back to her house and sit in the parked car about to pray for each other. I tell her I feel the enemy so close in my headspace with Jesse. She asks what I’m scared of-- that we’ll have sex? Like what is it? Well yes that we’ll have sex or get somehow involved and now I might open up a coffee shop next door to him and I’m trying to be a Gospel driven business??? I can’t. She prays some identity over me. I don’t need my void to be filled with someone. God is jealous for me, my love, my attention, my attraction. I know my worth endlessly in God. I don’t belong in the streets. I was rescued from there. Why would I go back? Not today Satan, not today.

Takeaways It’s not worth losing this God-given dream over a temptation. I know my worth. I also don’t need Jesse’s approval. I don’t need to be scared of being judged by him. He’s not my judge. I don’t need to hang out and do everything he wants. I know my worth. I’m 23 yes. And I know my worth.

My homework is to do this lean start up plan. Get a mission statement. Get a name. That’s my homework and focus this week.

God. You’re my Dad. I need you in every frikkin molecular way possible, especially in such a time as this. Where great things are coming, great temptations are. You know me and my weaknesses. My daddy issues hitting from left field. Thank you for Soli. Thank you for the Holy Spirit’s conviction in me and confession. God protect me and your plan. Help me to love and be authentic. I don’t want to send a message to your people that you must be perfect to be loved by God. I’m an imperfect person loved by a perfect God. Lord give me your vision for this place. Yours Lord not mine. Please run this place. Allow me to be a vessel. Inspire me. Inspire in me the name of this place. Make a way and allow me to trust in you/ Help me know who I am apart from this dream. Let it be a tied around my neck. Grant me your wisdom, unknowable wisdom. I’m very tired now. But thank you God. I’ll talk to you in the morning.

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