#THE WORDS ARE REPETITIVE and my vocabulary is small but we deal with that now

[flowercrowngods]

@steddieas-shegoes hoped for some sexytimes for this wonderful hurt/comfort piece, and i will jump at the chance to practice my smut so uhh!! explicit: quiet sex, trying not to get caught

Eddie’s touch leaves goosebumps on Steve’s skin where he’s slowly, gently trailing his hand along his sides, his back, up all the way to the nape of his neck. It’s an innocent touch — soothing at first, calming him and his frayed nerves, smoothing out the edges of his sharp and cutting thoughts.

But then, somewhere between love and touch and silence, the air in the tent has shifted into something else. Something that comes with goosebumps and hitching breath and racing heart.

Something that makes Steve’s dick twitch against Eddie’s thigh when on his next stroke, Eddie lightly tugs on his hair. Steve turns his face to bury it in his boyfriend’s chest and hides a sigh in the fabric of his shirt.

He can feel the vibrations of Eddie’s hum as they travel all across his body, and he can no longer bear it not to kiss him.

In one swift motion, Steve rolls on top of Eddie and connects their lips in a hungry kiss that in turn serves to swallow their moans, because Eddie is hard beneath him. Steve rolls his hips in a slow, teasing motion as he deliberately sucks Eddie’s tongue into his own mouth, leaving his love with a breathless sigh of his own — just short of a moan that he breathes right into Steve’s mouth.

“Stevie,” Eddie whispers, whimpers, keens, his hands tangled in Steve’s hair and applying the sweetest kind of pressure as he tugs just so. “Baby, we— they’re gonna hear.”

“Hear what?” Steve asks innocently, nipping on Eddie’s bottom lip before delving back in for another deep, breathless kiss.

In lieu of an answer, Eddie just rolls his hips, meeting Steve’s absentminded movements in a torturous manner that has Steve whispering Fuck! into the kiss. And again, when Eddie’s free hand comes up to control the slow gyrations of Steve’s hips.

“Eddie,” he breathes, and it almost sounds like a prayer. A plea. Begging. For what, he doesn’t know. Release, maybe.

“Shhh,” Eddie quiets him, rolling them over so he’s on top now, hovering over Steve. He brushes the hair away from his forehead that has begun to stick there as the air in the tent has grown hotter and hotter. “Quiet, baby.”

“Make me.” It’s a whisper, not nearly as defiant or challenging as either of them are used to, but it still makes Eddie growl, then exhale deeply as he tries not to laugh.

“Menace,” he says, kissing Steve deeply.

“Look who’s talking,” Steve bites back, winding his arms around Eddie’s shoulders to hold him for a second, to feel the matching pace of his racing heart, and hide his own breathless laughter.

They’re really doing this. They shouldn’t. The kids are only a few feet away, every movement in the tent can be heard easily, and the heavy breathing of two horny boys doesn’t really blend well with the sounds of the forest at night.

He’s just about to say something, when Eddie takes off his own shirt and then slowly, almost reverently, pulls Steve’s own shirt up and over his head, leaving them both breathing heavily. Steve lets him, keeps his eyes on Eddie the whole time — a glorious sight even in the dark, the way he straddles Steve’s thighs like that’s where he belongs.

And it is. He does.

“I love you,” Steve whispers. And again, when Eddie lies back down on top of him, their skin finally touching, their hands finding each other easily, their grip secure and tight and loving.

He bites Steve’s earlobe gently before murmuring with hot breath, “I’m gonna make you feel good, Stevie. Do you want that?” The question is accompanied by another roll of his hips, their clothed dicks rubbing against each other just this side of perfect, and Steve needs more. Wants more. Wants Eddie.

“Uh-huh,” he breathes, and it’s almost a whimper, almost a moan, and almost too loud. It makes Eddie grin, makes him bite his ear again as he chuckles darkly, leaving Steve with goosebumps all over.

“Quiet baby. You don’t want them to hear, do you? Don’t want them to know just how good you can be for me, hm? And I for you. They don’t get to know, angel. And do you know why?”

Steve shakes his head, already dazed and heady and a little desperate for more of Eddie’s touch.

“Because I’m yours. And you’re mine. And you gotta be quiet.”

With that, he catches Steve’s lips again just in time to swallow his heady whimper, because Eddie’s hips are moving again and he doesn’t stop this time.

And Steve can’t make a sound about it.

The thrill of being forced to silence turns him on in a way he never anticipated, and his dick twitches in its confines.

“Eddie,” he breathes again, and it means, Yes. It means, Make me feel good. It means, Please. It means, Anything. Everything. Please, baby.

Another chuckle against his skin, and then one of Eddie’s hands begins to travel downwards, leaving him to shiver in anticipation — even more so when Eddie sucks on his tongue the very second he wraps his hand around Steve’s dick.

It’s torture, trying to stay quiet. Trying to breathe just right — not too loud, not too heavy. It’s torture and it’s thrilling and it’s perfect, and it makes Steve arch his back even on the uncomfortable, hard ground beneath him.

Eddie grins against his lips, still busy devouring his mouth with everything he has, and finally, beautifully, wonderfully begins to stroke Steve’s dick inside the boxers he decided to wear to sleep.

“Yes,” Steve breathes, closing his eyes at the perfect sensation tingling up his spine, ridding him of any conscious and coherent thought that isn’t Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

“Yeah?” Eddie sounds both smug and encouraging, tightening his fist around Steve’s cock, and it has Steve burying both of his hands in Eddie’s hair, tugging and pulling until he has to swallow a moan himself.

“Ye— God, yes.”

“Good,” Eddie whispers, trailing his lips down the side of Steve’s face who tries to chase him, tries to get Eddie to come back.

But he won’t budge, attacking Steve’s ear instead, sucking at the soft skin just below it, fully aware of how sensitive Steve is there. It has him keening, bucking his hips further into Eddie’s touch, going crazy when Eddie breathes a laugh right into his ear.

“You’re doing so good for me, Stevie. Pretty boy, my pretty boy, looking so beautiful when you feel good. Am I, Stevie? Am I making you feel so good? Are you gonna come like this?”

“Uh-huh,” Steve moans, trying so desperately to keep it down. But how can he, when Eddie is humping his leg, when Eddie is breathless himself, when Eddie touches him like that and makes him feel so, so good. “Uh, I’m— Fuck, Eddie.”

It’s almost embarrassing how quickly Steve comes — and how hard. His legs buck when after two, three, four more perfect, mean, heavenly strokes, he comes in his boxers with a stuttering breath that turns into a king, drawn-out moan.

“God, angel, that was— You’re so— Fuck, I’m—”

And Steve can’t even think about reciprocating; because Eddie’s hips stutter against him before he, too, stills with a blissed-out expression.

Steve, breathless and a little giddy, asks, “Did you just…”

“Yup.”

There’s a moment of silence before they both break into giggles. Eddie buries his face in the crook of Steve’s neck, who immediately winds his arms and legs around his boyfriend to hold him, dazed and happy and so, so giddy. It’s ridiculous. Eddie is ridiculous.

Steve loves him so much.

“I love you, too,” Eddie hums against his skin, smacking kisses to his shoulder and his neck.

“But next time I wanna hear you again,” Steve says eventually.

Eddie grins against his skin, nipping at the soft skin until Steve playfully shoves his face away. “Deal.”

Steve’s heart is light when he falls asleep not long after.

[beewolfwrites]

The Oar in the Sand - Chapter Four: Guessing Games

@cheshiya @tenseoyong @szallejhscorner @something-more-original-please @ofsunsetsandpoetries @nek0dzuken @allozaur @serenzippity

I’m sorry if there’s any typos or mistakes in this. Some chapters are just harder to write, and I end up repeating words over and over haha. If you spot any, do let me know! 

As always, I’ll leave the AO3 link here. And I hope you like it! 

--------------------------------------------------

The Latin alphabet.

The message could be written in any language from English to Spanish, Czech or even Latin itself.

It could mean anything.

Unlike An, Headband or Pigtails, I had the advantage, and I could still save us. Except I had no idea where to start, and the steady pressure of the game was already settling on my shoulders like a thick fog.  

The Queen was smiling at me from the other gallows. I understood now, the way her eyes had lingered on me back in the reception. She probably hadn’t accounted for a foreigner to be here – after all, her game was intrinsically designed for native Japanese speakers. And yet that smile, the way the corners of her eyes crinkled ever so slightly; she was still confident.

And she should be. She already knows I can’t read morse code.

‘I don’t mean to rush you,’ said Pigtails, ‘but do you think you’ll be able to decode some of it?’ Her previous hope had wilted away, and she was now watching me with apprehension.

The message glared at me from the screen, nonsensical and confusing. The dots and dashes were swarming, melting into one dotted mass that darkened the room. My arms and legs felt detached, swinging from this noose like a doll. So many people had died. The teenage girl, the business man, Pink Scrunchie, countless players accused of being witches... I wasn’t able to save any of them.

And now, four more lives would be added to the list.

‘Stop panicking.’

I jumped at the sharpness of An’s voice. The dots and dashes returned to their screen. My hands and legs were still intact, still moving.

‘Take a deep breath and focus,’ she instructed.

Swallowing, I breathed in and out shakily. My chest felt hollow, and at the same time, it was crawling with jitters. ‘How can you be so calm? 何を知っている分からない.’ I don’t know what I’m doing.

‘Yes, you do. Chishiya brought you to the Beach for a reason.’

Chishiya?

That was why she trusted me?

I couldn’t hold back a bitter laugh; no matter how much I loved him, what he did at the Beach, the way he had almost betrayed me, it was still painful to think about.

‘違う.’ You’re wrong. I didn’t exactly have the vocabulary to explain properly, but I was sure they’d get the gist. ‘苣屋は私を使ってトランプの盗むしていた. それが唯一の理由だった.’ Chishiya was using me to steal the cards. That was the only reason.

An’s lips parted in surprise. Headband and Pigtails were whispering in low voices. I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but from their tones it was clear they didn’t think too highly of Chishiya.

‘So that’s what really happened,’ An muttered, filling in the rest of the blanks herself. ‘It was hard to believe Arisu could be capable of doing something like that.’ She shook her head slowly, processing the new information. ‘I suppose it no longer matters, since the Beach is gone now. But Chishiya still made a good decision bringing you to us. I’ve heard about your games, and I believe you’re more capable than you think.’

I remembered my conversation with Chishiya the day before the second stage, when he told me I would be good at Diamonds. Back then, he was wrong. Just looking at the dots and dashes on the screen, I knew this game was beyond me. And yet, it would be nothing more than a simple brainteaser for someone like him.

I wonder, what would he do? How would he approach this game?

I tried to picture his response to a morse code message. I tried to imagine his methods of breaking it down logically. But even so, it was impossible to understand how his brain worked. He was totally different to me. He was rational and analytical, able to uncover a solution to even the most complex situations. All I could do was notice things. I wasn’t Chishiya, nor would I ever be. And right now, was he wandering the streets looking for me? Probably not. Knowing him, he might have even gone straight to the Jack of Diamonds venue.  

No. That can’t be true.

He cared. I knew that. I’d felt his fingers playing with my hair whenever I drifted in and out of sleep during the night. I’d witnessed that unreadable expression of his when he first saw the bruises Niragi left. I’d felt his hands tearing me away from the balcony edge when...

‘If we were in a game together, and say, someone pointed a gun at me, would you do that? As in, would you stand back and watch?’

‘I don’t know.’

My vision glassed over at the memory. Chishiya, you...

You liar.

I rubbed away the tears and tried to hold my chin up higher. ‘みんな、ごめんね. 今大丈夫.’ I’m sorry everyone. It’s okay now.

There were only fifty-two minutes left. The Queen, who had remained silent this whole time, was watching on with a vague, academic intrigue. Despite the pristine neatness of her olive suit and her black shoes, she was relaxed, raising her delicate eyebrows as I looked at her squarely.

‘You said before that you might be able to answer some of our questions, so I want to make a deal.’

‘What kind of deal?’ Her eyes glinted as if I’d just proposed a new game – as if I’d made this even more fun for her.

The drawing of the gallows was still waiting, empty, on the second screen. ‘If we figure out this message and clear the game, you have to answer my questions.’

She took the time to consider it. ‘I suppose that’s fair,’ she said. ‘One of us will die here, so it hardly matters anymore. It’s a deal.’

I’d said those same words to Chishiya, and I had no intention of breaking our promise here in this library. With a little more confidence now, I analysed the coded message closely. Normally in a game of Hangman, vowels were a first choice because of how often they were used. But we could only pick two.

What’s the most used vowel in the Latin alphabet?

Most people would assume it was A, but if I had to make a guess, I’d probably say E. Lots of languages with a Latin alphabet, like French, Spanish and Italian, used words like el, es, e, and est. But if E was the most common vowel, would that make it too obvious a choice?

I chanced a look at the Queen. She was smiling, not in a manipulative or secretive way, but as if she was quietly supporting us from the sidelines. It was peculiar. There was a chance she had purposely avoided E because of how often it was used, and I wouldn’t put it past her – she was still alive for a reason.

So what’s the second most common?

U was a no-go. Out of all the vowels it was definitely the least popular. A would be far too obvious as well. It would have to be a gamble between I and O. There were just forty-eight minutes left, and there was no time to waste hesitating between them.

Pick one, pick one.

‘If it’s okay with everyone,’ I said, ‘I’m going to choose O.’

Pigtails and Headbands looked unsure, most likely because I kept switching languages accidentally. On the other hand, An was open to the idea, replying only with, ‘I trust you.’

I held my breath, transfixed by the dots and dashes before us.

A number of Os appeared, scattered throughout the message; two in the first line, three in the second, four in the third, and one in the fourth. The drawing of the empty gallows remained unchanged.

We did it!

Beside me, Headband exhaled a sigh of relief and murmured a subdued thank you. Much to my surprise, however, the Queen didn’t seem disheartened by our small victory. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she looked pleased for us.

‘A good choice to start with, I must say.’ She clasped her hands together, resting them against her blazer. ‘Unfortunately, you’ve used up one of your vowels, but you seem like smart girls. I’m sure you’ll do well.’

How could she be so happy?

‘Isn’t this a bad thing for you?’ I asked. ‘Aren’t you worried?’

‘Should I be? There’s no good or bad,’ she countered, ‘just two perspectives.’

She’s a gamemaster, isn’t she? She set up these games, and she’ll die here if we win.

‘But we’re your enemy...’

She smiled warmly once more. ‘I think you’ll find we’re on the same side.’

On the same side? I didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense at all. ‘What do y—’

‘Don’t bother.’ An took off her sunglasses, openly assessing the Queen. ‘She’s intentionally wasting our time.’

She was right. The clock was now on forty-seven minutes, and the Queen seemed to be particularly skilled at raising more questions than she answered. I could interrogate her about all of this once we’d cleared the game – some things took priority. I focused my concentration on the code, trying to find some kind of hint or pattern there.

.-.   ..   -.   --. / .- / .-.   ..   -.   --. / O / .-.   o   ...   .   ...

.- / .--.   o   -.-.   -.-   .   - / ..-.   ..-   .-..   .-.. / o   ..-. / .--.   o   ...   ..   .   ...

.- / -   ..   ...   ....   o   o / .- / -   ..   ...   ....   o   o

.--   . / .-   .-..   .-.. / ..-.   .-   .-..   .-.. / -..   o   .--   -.

From what I could see, the O in the first line was capitalised. It was a standalone word – usually that would mean the word was either archaic, or it was in another language. But the Os in the third line were even more curious. The morse symbols repeated themselves twice, with the Os hinting at what could only be either onomatopoeia, or again, archaic terminology.

‘What do you think?’ Pigtails asked.

My eyes scanned the repetitions in the third line. There was something off about it. Words didn’t usually repeat themselves twice in a row like that... unless they were poetic. It would certainly explain why the O was alone in the top line, and why this message was carefully constructed with line breaks in the first place.

If it’s poetry, I might have heard it before.

Headband perked up suddenly. ‘What about going with the most common characters?’

By characters, she must’ve meant letters. I still didn’t know what language the message was in, so I could only use the letters I knew rather than those with accents. Although, playing Hangman as a child, there were always certain letters that wielded the best chance of success.

‘Let’s go with M,’ I said at last. There was usually at least one hiding somewhere. The four of us looked at the screen in anticipation. My fists clenched at my sides as I willed for an M to appear in the mix.

The screen changed.

The wrong screen. A circle appeared below the noose in the drawing. The hangman now had a head.

I could feel the others looking at me, aware that they had put their trusted me and I had let them down. ‘I’m sorry...’ I told them. ‘I’m sorry. ごめん.’

A hand lightly squeezed my shoulder. ‘It’s okay,’ Headband said. ‘We’ve still got more tries.’

Pigtails stepped as close as the noose would allow. ‘This was going to happen at some point. And at least now we know which characters aren’t there. It narrows down the possible words.’

There was silence from An. Perhaps she was disappointed in me, or even regretting her decision to let me captain this game. I wouldn’t blame her if that was the case. I felt the same way, only my regret was stained with guilt too. If I couldn’t save the three of them, at least I would die too. At least I would get what I deserved.

I glanced up at the timer. Forty-five minutes until someone gets sent to the gallows. I couldn’t let it be them.

I can’t lose control of myself like this.

‘You’ve used up one of your ten consonants,’ the Queen reminded us, steady and composed as always. ‘As a word of advice, relying on an age-old strategy doesn’t necessarily work.’

Every time the Queen opened her mouth, she only confused me more. And judging from An’s response, I wasn’t the only one to feel that way. ‘Why should we listen to your advice? Our failure is your win.’

‘Maybe you shouldn’t,’ the Queen replied. ‘But I’ll leave it up to you to decide.’

She didn’t sound like she was purposely trying to mislead us, but that in itself could be what made it so misleading. Most people tend to gravitate towards common letters when playing Hangman – is that what she meant by an ‘age-old-strategy’?

In that case...

I took a deep breath. Maybe this was worth the risk. ‘I think we should try doing the opposite,’ I stated. ‘I think we should choose an uncommon letter.’ Realising I’d slipped between languages yet again, I tried to remember the words in Japanese. ‘逆が試みよう.’ Let’s try the opposite. ‘レアの文字.’ An uncommon letter.

The Queen could have purposely avoided using popular ones to throw us off. But if I was wrong, was it worth losing a turn? The bodiless head dangled from its noose on the other screen.

Only six chances left.

‘It’s worth a shot,’ said An.

Pigtails peered at us from the end of the platform. ‘Are you sure? We don’t have that many chances of guessing.’

I understood her hesitation. It felt like we were gambling with our lives, and I was the one calling the shots. And it was even worse for her as she was placing her life in someone else’s hands. ‘I know, わかてる,’ I tried to reassure her. ‘If it doesn’t work, we can try a different approach.’

Headband was twiddling her fingers again, although there was a hardness in her posture. A resolve to win. ‘It won’t be a waste, because we’ll know then that it’s the wrong strategy. I trust you two.’

It felt good to know they had my back, even if my previous attempt at guessing hadn’t worked. Maybe things would take a turn for the better? I exhaled slowly, trying to assemble the most unlikely letters. Q was definitely a contender. Z was again, too obvious, but X was hardly ever used because there were fewer words you could make with it. It was probably the most unlikely letter to appear in a game of Hangman.

Forty-three minutes ticked down to forty-two.

‘X.’

We waited with bated breath. Headband played with her fingers. Pigtails chewed on her lip. An clutched her sunglasses in both hands, her eyes locked on the message before us.

Please... please.

‘Relying on an age-old strategy doesn’t necessarily work.’

A black line appeared beneath the hangman’s head, his new body dangling from the noose.  

[writinganessayaboutyourself647]

write my essay

About me

Unity In Essay Writing

Unity In Essay Writing Once the essay is written, go back through the writing to seek out any sentences that seem too lengthy or wordy. This process will help increase your vocabulary over time. Using these words when you write will also make your essay extra vibrant . Students took a university-degree course for 3 weeks. I chose to enroll in a class called ‘Philosophy in Literature and Film.’ The focus, for my session, was philosophies of know-how and science. Ever since, I have been studying about coding as much as I might. I have also used resources like General Assembly to self-educate. I came to like working with computer systems and coding as a result of each drawback I needed to solve goes toward building one thing. Just ensure you be taught something new each time you write an essay, and you willgrow your abilities. In the pdf hyperlink beneath, the primary two one-page statements written by college students in the geological sciences are attention-grabbing to match to one another. Despite their different areas of research specialization within the similar area, each writers demonstrate a good deal of scientific fluency and kinship with their target packages. Addressingcounterargumentsis additionally an necessary part of developing a powerful argument. It exhibits you have carried out extensive analysis and you have a good understanding of the subject in query. The UC software, against this, offers you 4 possibilities to make smaller statements. This means you’ll wish to think about coherency and consistency, but also about avoiding repetitiveness. These questions are additionally a chance to point out more sides of yourself than college students could in previous years when making use of to UC schools, when there were fewer questions asking for longer solutions. The reward doesn’t always come shortly—there are bugs to fix and some ways you possibly can break what you are trying to build. And, as with many good essays, this paragraph should try to lead the reader to a way of closure, conveying a lesson and a sense of what has been discovered and gained from the expertise. However it would be a mistake to treat the UC application as one other set of supplemental essays, or as small fry now after tackling your 650-word personal statement. Here’s how we advocate planning after which executing the essays that comprise your application to the University of California. The first and most important advantage of abroad research is the language learning environment. Some college students have the impulse to try to parcel out what they feel is their Single Important Story throughout several essays, since they've solely 350 phrases as a substitute of 650. We counsel not pondering of the UC software in these terms. Instead, attempt to offer four pieces of yourself that, when placed together, add as much as make an entire. You ought to acknowledge current and possible objections to your arguments and reply to them, discrediting them or displaying why they don’t hold true in your case. If relevant and necessary, you should also tackle counterargument you can not refute and concede to them. However, to make your argument extra clear, you additionally needwarrant. Warrant is a flowery time period that mainly exhibits the relevance of the declare. It is the precept that permits you to connect purpose and claim. In the previous, students solely had the chance to check in their own country. Nowadays, nonetheless, it's increasingly easy to study overseas, particularly at tertiary degree. The objective of writing any essay is to point out you could suppose critically concerning the material at hand . This means going beyond regurgitating what you’ve learn; when you’re simply repeating different people’s arguments, you’re never going to hassle the higher finish of the marking scale. If they discover mistakes that you make often, you will be able to look at extra closely for that error as you write future essays. This friend may even have the ability to level out grammatical or spelling errors that you simply might have missed. Students learning abroad will not only have to deal with the local language for their examine, but may even have to use it outdoors the classroom for their on a regular basis life. These elements ought to make it comparatively simple for such college students to advance their language abilities. Most individuals spend around fifteen years of their life in training, from primary college to college study.

[queernuck]

There are a lot of things I’m dealing with right now and honestly, I’ve kind of lost control of them, I think. Boxing day is as good of a day as any to let that all come to the surface, the sort of strange deterritorialization put in place by the end of the year, the space where everyone is scrambling to score for their New Year’s Eve parties and we’re coming up on all of the really good playoff football but aren’t quite there yet and it’s still interesting and fun but you’re like okay we can be done now we are able to call this finished, more or less, I believe

I have a way of relating to people through sexuality and sex as functions of a gendered body were I almost in a way have an inverse structuring of the usual one around sex, it seems? I’m a very affectionate and open person and part of that does include sex, that’s something that comes kind of openly and easily to me in concept but not at all in practice, just because...I don’t really HAVE much practice with it, I have far more experience with lack of experience than I do with any particular means of being sexual it seems? This is also just very true in relationships, friendships, so on, it always seems as if there is some kind of new ground being broken and I am so rarely comfortable with who I am as a person

As a result of this the sort of recursion that realizing that I’m kind of left at a point where I’m unlikely to have sex anytime soon is part of a larger realization about the way that I’ve been living, the isolation I face, which is incredibly difficult to put into words without making it into something petty, something I genuinely do not want to be a part of, something that I feel is vastly different from me, from who I am and who I want to be.

This is the exact kind of turn that creates the worst of what trans women have done to other trans women, the way in which our own suffering becomes the very abuse we put onto others, the kind of repetition of concepts of our sexual body as part of how we experience attraction to others, the sort of desperation and suffering and eventual realization of a kind of violent fetishization, the way that trans women are only given a vocabulary for reaching other trans women that is sexualized, that can only reach out through the sexual. I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to be a part of repeating that, I don’t want to but I just hate how bisexuality, being as a trans woman, the ways that I want to reach out, have become so intertwined with my own sexuality and the ways in which I am allowed to realize myself in both spaces, how it determines as well that which I can see for myself. 

If anything, the way that sexuality has overcoded upon my own self is so indeterminable, is such an inexorable process that I need to do what I can to prevent myself from repeating violent tendencies, of forming genuine connection along lines of affinity that are structurally identical to lesbian connection, of course, but not necessarily sexual, the ways in which community among trans women is not founded merely upon our sexuality. It can certainly be expressed through it, and that expression can be wonderful, is so often very wonderful, in the way that trans lesbians find one another and indeed are often finding one another in a fashion that is sexual, but preventing the kind of overcoding that makes it solely sexual.

Sexuality, relationships, these precarities are such a part of effectively all life when living within the prohibited space, the life of taboo, marked by homosexuality, and dealing with that is itself incredibly difficult. It makes us vulnerable, it creates the kinds of vulnerability that lead to grooming, and of course, while the person in question is not a trans woman, their own sexuality and relationship to gender is one that I had at one time felt a lot of affinity for and I am terrified by how he wielded it against us. The way that my girlfriend’s ex, someone who is an ex of my own, who I never quite had a relationship with but who I certainly in some way was in a relationship with, part of a process of consummating this relationship with, and how this was part of a process of grooming that has been awful and traumatic and just so fucking hard. 

The result of my girlfriend suffering from the culmination of a process of grooming is fucking horrifying, and in seeing it, seeing how dramatically it has imparted a certain sort of structure of continual retraumatization, is something that in turn hurts me. I do not want to make myself out to be the primary victim, or as if I am claiming some greater affinity or something. Rather, as someone who came to know him through her, who was persuaded in the same ways, who opened herself up to him, who thought of him in a way that was hopeful and looking to a future that simply cannot be, that was never meant to be beyond his own fucking horrid fantasies, his own little world of Oedipal desire, I feel fucking horrid, I am terrified of men, of being with them, of what actually fostering a new relationship with a man might mean for myself. It is something I fear more generally as well, but the specific aspects of it are just...fuck.

And on top of that, the way in which having to navigate understanding that trauma with supporting that the way in which emotions and flows of desire have manifested the same events in different ways for her and I, figuring out how to approach our shared experience through the difference of us as people, the way in which that difference is realized, is something I am obviously working toward but something that is not at all easy.

Most generally, I feel as if I am just full of so much, there is so much overflowing from me, that all of it is just pushing me past what I can handle, that I am at a point of breaking and will eventually be forced past breaking, whether it be by the actions of another (such as my family!) or by taking it on myself. I feel as if I am in an unsustainable situation, as if I cannot and moreover will not be able to handle another year of circumstances like this.

My brother has a girlfriend, he’s going out to Wisconsin to see her after he goes back to DC for a few days. My sister got dumped but has a relationship in waiting anyway. They’re at home, they’ve been home barely a week, and they already talk about not wanting to “sit around all day” on a day where I’ve got a short shift of work, one late in the day, and it feels so...strange. They’re complaining about wanting to not sit around all day when this is the environment I live in, this is where I am whenever I’m not at work. They’re dealing with the same abusive parents as me, sure, but they’re also better equipped for it, they get less of it and get to react with far more violence than I do, they effectively have a vastly different territory that they live in than the one I live in, and attempting to deal with that is incredibly difficult.

There are a lot of parts of it that are all very difficult to deal with, and Christmas eve, seeing family and family friends drinking a whole bunch and being able to say no (in no small part because alcohol by itself is a shitty experience and im not a fan of it lmaooooo) was an achievement of sorts but the way that a specific and structured sobriety has been the basis for this year, the way it has structured my experience as a whole, the way that a habit of sobriety has itself been just that, a habit I maintain out of habit, not out of any reason except the fear of the reprisal of my parents and the lack of opportunity to break it, is part of a sort of proxy for a lack of interaction, feeling starved of any genuine contact with anyone in person, the way that I am just...alone.

I have someone I love, but I’m so far away from them that I feel alone. There are so many lovely people around me, so many beautiful and wonderful people, but I am so scared of hurting them. I am terrified of it. I feel so strange. Dysphoric.

[holdtylersandersonaccountable]

Elizabeth Moroni

Dating him was probably the most traumatic thing that’s happened to me in my life. We started dating after I had just turned 19. Tyler was 24. He was incredibly manipulative. He flattered me with the typical “you’re not like the others” routine, which, on a 18 year old girl, totally worked…but not at first. I was reluctant to engage with him because I already had a partner, and I saw how he treated his girlfriend with disregard while hitting on me. Tyler’s fixation on me made others uncomfortable to the point where the friend group collectively decided that I was “off limits”. But Tyler had different plans. Tyler didn’t go to my college, or any other college—he came to my college town weekly to go out drinking, and to prey on me. He repeatedly isolated me from my group, dragging me outside for cigarettes to get me alone. These moments were common and we began to kindle a friendship despite all of the red flags. He was friends with really kind people, so I reasoned that even though his behavior was troubling, if he was a bad person he wouldn’t be surrounded by good people. He was a wolf in sheep's clothing.  

Tyler took me out for smoke breaks over and over. He even told me that a song reminded him of me, “Silver Words” by Sixto Rodriguez. He said the song reminded him of me, and he even sang it to me. It was very romantic, but I still didn’t budge. When he wasn’t in town, he would call me constantly, leaving sloppy 2am voicemails confessing his love to me. The messages were frequent. I said no so many times. I was polite, but firm. There were so many drunk calls I let go to voicemail—I recall a specific conversation I had with his childhood friend about the situation. “What do I do about this? How can I get him to stop? I’m not interested.” 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTJRXUftkPE

This group of friends I was with would all go out together to drink in Greeley. I was underage but access to alcohol wasn’t hard. Everyone put a drink in my hand. I remember being too drunk and lying on the floor in a room alone because I was nauseous. Tyler came in and laid down beside me--I felt his hand grab mine in the dark. He only tried to hold my hand when I was drunk. It was a small thing, at the time I thought it was cute, but it made me uncomfortable. He did it covertly in front of friends. Innocent enough, but I see now he was testing me, grooming me to accept more next time.

Tyler eventually became frustrated that his teenage fixation (me) wasn’t complying. He separated from his girlfriend at the time, (he didn’t, he was lying and gaslighting her as well, coming up to Greely to cheat). Tyler then changed his strategy. Quickly, he found a second teen, which he flooded with attention. He brought her to places he knew I would be, giving me the cold shoulder completely (he acted like he was angry at me). This was all in the span of a few days, so I was surprised that he went from being my friend to refusing to speak to me. I felt like because I wasn’t complying, I was being punished. Despite his unrelenting forwardness, we were friends, and the silent treatment was undeserving. My already low self esteem made me question what was wrong with me. A particular low point was when I overheard Tyler singing this young girl the same song he said reminded him of me—“Silver Words”. 

You’d think that I would have been relieved and appreciative for Tyler to move on from me. But as a child without the tools to recognize (or even have the vocabulary for) gaslighting, manipulation, grooming, and typical predatory behavior, instead of relief I felt devalued and thrown out. Looking back, my ignorance made me so unequipped for this situation, and I wish I knew at the time how to identify what was really going on.

Eventually (not long after) Tyler and I began talking again. It felt good to be acknowledged; there was a sort of emotional high I found myself feeling when he was nice to me. If a dog is abused by his owner, but thrown a bone every once in a while, the dog will stay loyal. That was me—riding the high of being treated well after not for so long. This was a theme throughout the relationship.

I started to interpret his red-flag behavior as romantic gestures. Not long after, we started seeing each other romantically. Tyler’s unwavering persistence was disturbing, but it always got him what he wanted. I should have seen the start of our relationship as a start of a pattern. This situation is emulative of what was in store for me for our entire relationship. Constantly being devalued, insulted, and torn down, only given brief moments of decency that bring floods of endorphins. I was addicted. 

CHARGE. Did you know he has this word tattooed across his chest? Does a charging bull comply when you say “stop”? “No”? 

The bull charges regardless.

The abuse didn’t take long to start. Tyler had an inner rage that his friends and family seldom saw, and that he made sure they never saw. Tyler would casually say hurtful things to me on a daily basis, and generally do things to make me feel like less than nothing. He would then groan about how “depressed and annoying” I was, and how I always kept him down. He was extinguishing my light. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted, and as a result my relationships, my grades, my dreams, all started to crumble before me.

He started treated me like I was a burden, a thorn in his side he couldn’t get rid of, but when I tried to leave the relationship he would manipulate and guilt me into staying. Sometimes he would blame his attitude on his hangover. But it was more than that. It was consistent emotional abuse. 

I was 18 when he first pressured me into having sex without a condom. I was not comfortable with it, and it took a while for me to give in. Maybe three times we had protected sex. Later, he refused to wear them, assuring me that it was safe, praising me for complying. Shortly after my 19th birthday, I got pregnant. The pregnancy was ectopic and after an extremely painful process, the baby was miscarried. Tyler was verbally supportive over text, but in person was cold.

One of the FIRST things Tyler told me that he had a “sleep sex disorder” that made him have sex with whoever he was lying in bed with. “I don’t really talk about my condition” he said. I didn’t realize it then, I laughed actually. We shared a laugh about it, I remember. How weird, how funny. I found out later that this allowed him to take me at any time, even if I declined sex hours before. I was stupid, but I was 19.

A “sleep sex” condition. When do you think Tyler got this diagnosis? What is the treatment plan for this kind of condition? I never saw Tyler taking medications or doing therapy to counteract his condition. Is his condition only triggered when the person lying in bed next to him is a woman? What runs through a man’s head when he wakes up over a woman in the middle of an episode? Does he stop? or does he finish?

I confused Tyler’s jealousy for love. I confused his controlling tendencies for caring ones. Shortly after my miscarriage, he started cheating on me. Every time I confronted him, I was gaslighted. I reached out to friends and they pulled away, not wanting to get involved. I felt like I was going crazy. I was so weak and so vulnerable. I asked him to leave my house the day I found out he was cheating. He wouldn’t leave. He stared at me loathingly from MY bed. He denied me acknowledgement, he denied me my personal space. He stared and stared, emotionless. He didn’t say a word, he didn’t leave. I had to leave my own home, and crashed on a friend’s couch. Tyler later told me that I “probably fucked [friend]” to get back at him. 

He used that as leverage to continue his cheating and not feel bad about it. He openly texted and called women in front of me. Tyler told me on one instance that he might keep cheating if I kept the nosering that I had gotten without his permission. He said it made me look gross. He told me that he cheated because I was too “depressed” all the time and that pushed him away. He made me understand that everything that was causing me pain was my fault. This self-blame mindset obliterated my individuality, my intuition, my confidence and self worth. I was trapped in the relationship, a prisoner to my abuser.

I broke up with him after being tired of the mistreatment. He slit his wrists. I came back. We started dating again. He started cheating again. I wanted to die. He isolated me from my friends and family. He got very angry when I would go out. He punched holes in doors and walls. The threat of Tyler’s suicide kept a gun to my head and prevented me from causing any conflict. I was constantly stepping on glass, trying not to upset him.

One night stays seared in my memory forever. Drunk, he singled out one of my coworkers and called him a “pussy” for liking a certain band. This conversation escalated, Tyler got more aggressive, and I had to usher him out, embarrassed that he had started an altercation at my work. Driving home, I confronted him about his alcohol problem. Tyler was silent for about thirty seconds before he began repeatedly smashing his head into the dashboard. I had to pull over and physically grab him to get him to stop. I can never forget that disturbing repetition of him slamming his face into the dash—and the raw fear I felt in that moment.

“Abuse creates complex bonds between survivor and perpetrator that are difficult to break; it also causes a great deal of cognitive dissonance as the survivor attempts to reconcile the brutal reality of the abuse with the person he or she once saw as their greatest confidante and lover in the early stages of the relationship. This cognitive dissonance is a defense mechanism that is often resolved not by seeing the abuser for who he or she really is, but rather by denying, minimizing or rationalizing the abuse that is occurring as a way to survive and cope with the trauma being experienced.”

-Shahida Arabi

TW: Miscarriage, Rape

He started doing coke, and drinking every day. He got meaner. 

One day I remember we had a tender moment on the floor. I was feeling vulnerable and safe in the moment, and decided to confide in Tyler about my feelings about my miscarriage from about a half a year before. He listened intently until I finished speaking. He then looked at the floor for a few seconds before softly chuckling and shaking his head, smiling. “Wow. That’s the kind of fucked up shit me and [Friend] joke about”. He continued to laugh. He said that the miscarriage “really ruined” me. I was shocked. I never forgot that moment—I’ve re-lived it a thousand times in my mind. His lack of empathy still gives me chills.

He could be tender to my dog, but when he was frustrated with her barking he would shove her around, too hard. This deeply upset me, but at the time I couldn’t even protect myself from the abuse. At this point he pressured me into sex regularly, no matter how exhausted I was or how much I resisted. I saw it as a thing I had to just do to get out of the way. Times I would refuse I would find him on top of me in the middle of the night. It was easier to let him finish. One night in particular I detail in a letter to myself that I wrote when I first broke out of the relationship—a note that would force me to acknowledge my abuse, even if I fell back in love with him. We had been drinking, and came home to sleep. Sex wasn’t on the table, and I was exhausted. I woke up feeling him on top of me. I had a tampon in…he forced himself in anyway. The pain was indescribable. I remember just lying there and thinking, “This shouldn’t be my life. How did I let this happen? How can I get out?”

Then a friend in the group began taking Tyler to shoot guns. Immediately he wanted to buy a gun, even though we had talks about how guns make us uncomfortable. He admired the power a gun would grant him. He began being obsessed about having protection, as justification. His cocaine use increased. I told him to seriously reconsider because he knew and I knew he was mentally unstable. He bought it anyway. I started feeling very afraid. I was always walking on glass, not wanting to set him off, never feeling like enough. I suffered greatly.

He pressured me into getting an apartment with him. I knew I didn’t have money to afford the one he wanted. We argued about it for a long time. I wanted to move in with some girl friends of mine, but he rejected that adamantly. He said he would help me pay for it, that we would do a fair split of the rent based on our income. I didn’t want to live with him because I was scared of him. He said that if I didn’t move in with him, I was destroying the relationship. I was desperate and broken. I signed the lease. A day after I moved in my stuff, I reached a breaking point and realized I had to get out. I broke up with him, and in response he tried to give me oral (which I had not gotten in a long while). I pushed him off of me and left. His friend texted me, chastising me for ending things with Tyler “out of nowhere”. He did not know the extent of my abuse, but the victimization of Tyler was hurtful. Tyler did not allow me to leave the lease. The leasing office needed his permission to let me off of it, and despite the abusive situation, explained I was bound to my abuser and there was nothing I could do. I moved in with my parents. For the next year, I paid $500 a month so that Tyler could live in that apartment with his brother. I’m still in debt from that.

Tyler’s friend confronted me later, telling me to block Tyler on all forms of social media because he had seen a picture of me and tried to kill himself. I was frustrated. I never got to be a victim, because my predator, my abuser, was suicidal. He used suicide attempts in order to not only avoid being accountable for his actions, but also to be comforted by everyone he knew and victimize himself. This is why I believe that his friends and community have continued to protect him throughout his trail of abuse. And have continued to hang out with him, play in bands with him, drink with him, do coke bumps with him, laugh with him, post selfies with him, and allow him to hurt women time and time again. I’m reminded of my trauma every time I see him in a friend’s Instagram post, smiling, unapologetic, unaccountable.

Sometimes I look back at pictures of myself then. I was a child--right out of high school. I look at pictures of me and remember the isolation and pain I was experiencing at that point in time. 

After I broke things off with Tyler for good, I wrote that letter to myself that I mentioned. October 2015. It begins:

“Dear Elizabeth, I am writing you today because this morning you were thinking about Tyler. I don’t know what the future holds, and I don’t know if you will ever be tempted to date him again. Here, I will make a list of reasons why you should never consider being with him again—times he hurt you, stifled your growth, and made you feel like less than you are.” 

Here is the list:

-He was flippant about things that mattered to me.

-He would schedule things to interfere with my own plans, and then guilt me into abandoning my plans for his. He was always in control.

-If he was mad a me, he would only cook dinner for himself while I was there.

-I wasn’t allowed to pick tv shows and movies to watch.

-He often pressured me to drive to visit him in very dangerous weather (one time I nearly spun out).

-He blamed me for his own personal issues.

-I got the silent treatment often.

-He pressured me to sign a lease with him.

-He stole my jokes and told them to his friends, taking credit.

-He drank often—whiskey usually, and drinking made him mean.

-He cheated on me with other teens, younger each time.

-He insisted we drive everywhere together so I couldn’t leave.

-He pretended he didn’t know me in social gatherings, and would pull away if I was affectionate in public.

-He would tell me he would pay for dinner, but on the spot refuse to pick up the tab so that I would have to. One day I remember I told him I couldn’t afford to eat out. He convinced me to come because he “really wanted me there” and said he would cover me. We went to an expensive ramen place on Pearl in Denver with his brother and shared sake. It was a nice treat until Tyler suggested we split the tab at the end of the meal. I mentioned what he said to me before about paying and he stated he never said that. Frustrated and not wanting to cause a scene in front of his brother, I paid for the meal. He would do things like this constantly, which really made me question reality at times…what had happened versus what I remembered. The deeper into the relationship I got the more I was disoriented and confused, and his control over me grew.

-He insulted my close friends, and was not okay with me being around men, or talking to men.

-He would even get upset if I would text or talk to people in our friend group, especially when he wasn’t present. One night, Tyler invited the girl he was cheating on me with to the county fair with our friend group. He was shameless about this and would often invite her to hang out in front of me, which was psychological torture. It was normalized. No one in the friend group would acknowledge this, and I was slowly losing my mind. She was even there during Tyler and I’s anniversary. But that is another story. We are all at the fair together and Tyler is acting like I don’t exist…isn’t walking with me, talking to me, looking at me, like we are strangers who have never met. The group gets on a roller coaster, and I get into a cab with another male in the friend group, as Tyler had already picked his seat. After the roller coaster, Tyler pushes past me forcefully to show me he is angry. I say his name and he doesn’t answer. I touch his arm and he yanks away and says, “why don’t you go and fuck [male friend]?” He then joined the girl he was cheating on me with. I decided to leave the fair, in disgust, and I had a mental breakdown. I looked back on this moment with great shame because no one asked me about it later or saw if I was okay. I felt very alone then.

-He pressured me to cut ties with my family

-He would punch things when he was angry, which scared me. He punched a hole in the wall, and a hole in the door. One day, while moving stuff, Tyler got frustrated and punched the side of a moving truck in front of his dad. His dad got really upset, which meant he doesn’t really see that side of Tyler.

-When I found out he was cheating on me, I asked him to leave. He refused to leave my home, and refused to leave my bed. He didn’t stay one word…he just stared at me, silently, arms crossed. I had nowhere to sleep, so I asked a friend at the music college if I could sleep on his couch. Later, when I returned, Tyler verbally attacked me and claimed “you probably fucked him last night”.

-He threatened that if I ever studied abroad I would be hurting our relationship and he would break up with me. The internship I was considering was 3 months long.

-He could eat my food I bought, but I was not allowed to eat his food unless he let me.

-He thought it was funny to urinate on me in the shower which truly disgusted me.

-He never did anything special for me on my birthday.

-If Tyler took me out for a date and paid for dinner, he 110% expected sex in return and was enraged if I refused. Some nights I would be studying hard and completing homework to meet deadlines—the deadlines came after his needs. He often pressured me into sex while I was working towards something positive, whether that was school, art projects, or self care tasks.

So where do we go from here? Basically, I started this blog so that this will not continue. So that people who speak up and aren’t heard have a safe area to talk about their experiences. Despite the abuse, there were times I really saw hope in Tyler, but his abusive and self-sabotaging behavior has continued to hurt himself, those close to him, and those he has victimized…not to mention future victims. I do think that Tyler can get better, but he has to take one long look at himself and recognize his trail of destruction. It’s only when he can find empathy can he then seek treatment in forms of domestic violence rehab classes and extensive therapy. If you choose to be close to Tyler, you have a responsibility to inspire those changes in him instead of enable his behavior. Your silence is more hurtful than you ever know. There were so many times where friends, and kind people, have turned their backs on me every time I reached for help, not wanting to acknowledge the extent of Tyler’s abuse. I feel that the constant normalization of violence on women is gut-wrenching. But the only person who can really change is Tyler himself.

[dj-syrup]

The Unnamed, Episode 01x07: The Drapes of Wrath

It was a dark and stormy night, and Brandon Thomas was still up. He found the sound of the pounding rain against the massive exterior windows of The Nest to be a soothing white-noise background to his work.

Thomas rarely listened to music while he was working. The words in the music often muddled with the words in his brain, and if he wasn't careful, his computer code would start looking like song lyrics.

He had had someone recommend instrumental music, music without words, but he found it boring and repetitive.

And so he listened to the rain.

A notification pinged into the lower left corner of one of several computer screens Thomas was utilizing. It was a message, over Telegram, from someone named Dwayne.

"I know who you are," it read, "and I need your help."

Thomas' keyboard crackled for a minute. "Who are you?" he asked, and after a second, "And where did you get this number?"

"I found your website," said Dwayne. "You didn't really hide it. I'm Dwayne."

Thomas felt something odd. The writing was slow, simplistic, probably not written at a grade level any higher than sixth or seventh. But he had found his website.

Shortly after being hired by Mr. Stewart, Thomas had put together a small website. He had kept it quiet from the rest of the team, such as it existed in those days, and had been careful to not show up too much online.

The site itself was small and not designed for everyone to find. It wasn't linked to by anyone, at least, not that Thomas knew of, and it didn't rank very well in search rankings. Thomas had designed the site so that it could only be found by someone who knew exactly what they were looking for. That Dwayne had found the site meant one of two things: either Dwayne had worked around the security features that Thomas had put in place, or Dwayne was in serious trouble and legitimately needed Thomas' help.

Judging from Dwayne's vocabulary, and the fact that he had already asked for help, meant that the second option was much more likely.

Thomas' keyboard crackled again. "You have my attention. What can I do for you?"

"I live in Jersey," replied Dwayne. "My family needs your help. My dad is very mean and very angry a lot of the time, and sometimes he hurts my mom and my brothers and sisters. Mom keeps telling me to stay out of the way, to not do anything about it, but I'm tired of it."

"Are you safe right now?"

"Yes, I'm at school. I use one of the library computers after school so that I can do research and figure stuff out for my classes.

"Can you help me?"

"Yes, I can. I'll get back to you."

The team was, for once, fairly easy to convince. The situation was clear, and there were children in danger. Thomas hadn't even finished explaining the situation to Mr. Stewart before Mr. Stewart had signed off on it.

The question at this point, then, was not if to attack the situation, but rather how to attack the situation.

"We could just kill him," said Ling, and then paused. "But I don't think that's the best way."

"In my opinion," said Donnelly, "men who beat their wives deserve all the horrible things that the world has to offer. I agree, though, Ling. Killing him is not the best answer here."

"We could gather enough proof to put him in jail for what he's done," suggested Winn.

"Hang on a sec," said Thomas. He was Googling something. "Yeah, that's what I thought. That would put him away for long enough to get the family out of the situation, but I don't like that solution either. The family would live in fear of what would happen if he tracked them down."

"I've lived with fear like that before," said Ling. "I don't wish it on children."

"What about scaring him off?" asked Port. "We could put together some muscle, extract the family, and be very clear about what we will do to him if he shows up around his family again."

"I like that solution better than any of the others I've heard so far," said Ling, "but I still don't like it. Yeah, we will scare him off, and he might stay away for a while. But if I know people like this, and I do, he'll get his courage back and decide to show up again." Ling paused for a moment, her chin pinched between her thumb and index finger. "Posit: the US justice system is flawed."

Donnelly, who had also seen the movie Sneakers, continued. "Consequence: people who do horrible things play the flaws in the system to avoid punishment."

"Result: because of the people taking advantage of the broken system, it is harder to fix than it would be otherwise."

"Conclusion: we have to fix the unjust system, or we have to rig it so that it just." Donnelly had a rather proud expression on his face for having figured this out.

Meanwhile, no-one else in the room understood what had happened, except for the last bit about rigging the system.

Mr. Stewart looked back and forth between Ling and Donnelly. "Explain."

"We have to rig the system." Donnelly and Ling said it at the same time.

"I know," replied Mr. Stewart. "Caught that. Why?"

Thomas was finally catching up. "How long was Brock Turner in jail for?"

Winn knew the answer right off the top of her head. "Three months."

"Three months," said Thomas. "For raping an unconscious girl in a back alleyway. Does that sound just to you?"

"Of course not," protested. Mr. Stewart.

"What we're saying is that the only way to get justice for this family is to force a system that usually isn't just to be just."

"How do you propose we do that?" asked Mr. Stewart.

Donnelly piped up. "Ling, do you still have that bag of cocaine from the school job?"

Winn butted in. "Wait, what?"

Ling answered. "Do you guys remember how I went rogue while you guys were working with Zach's school?"

She was referring to a drug bust that they had pulled off. Several of the central players in the drug ring had been bullying Port's son, Zach, which was why the team got involved. While the rest of the team was trying to figure out who the bullies were, Ling had found the person paying the bullies.

The team nodded.

"Well, I got a bag of cocaine from a drug dealer in the middle of that," said Ling. "It ended up being extremely pure cocaine, and I thought it might be useful at some point. I held onto it.

"Donnelly, I like where you're going with this."

The rest of the team was starting to get frustrated. Thomas cut in. "Where is he going with this?"

"We could frame the dad," said Donnelly.

Their discussions earlier in the month had quelled the team's philosophical worryings about doing the right thing versus doing the legal thing, and so the convincing was already done. Mr. Stewart clarified that under no circumstances was Ling to keep illegal drugs from drug busts again, and then laughed at the fact that he had had to make that distinction at all.

Their plan was, in principle, simple. They were going to set Ling loose on the house, let her monitor it in every way she could think of. They wanted to make sure that there was enough evidence to get the dad on domestic violence.

Once they got enough to clarify that, they were going to get him out of the house for a couple days. The team hadn't quite figured out how they were going to do that. Dwayne hadn't contacted Thomas again and so their information on the situation was limited.

While the dad was out of the house, the team was going to do the setup in the house. This was going to involve the bag of cocaine, as well as some chemistry equipment that a set designer and forensic analyst were already getting ready.

Shortly after the dad's return, police acting on an anonymous tip would knock on the door of the house. Seeing the luggage in the living room, and the glass on the kitchen table, they would arrest the father and put him in jail. The wife and children would come clean about what kind of person he was, and that the cocaine dealing was really no surprise, and he would land in court.

At this point, everything would be up to the lawyers. They would pound this out in court. Once the father was in prison, Mr. Stewart's personal travel coordinator would put them in a new place, with a new house, and Winn's team of researchers would find a source of money so that the wife could feed her family.

The final touch, the finishing flourish, was this: between the cocaine and the abuse, the wife would be able to go to court, divorce her husband, and get full custody of the children. The children would all be grown by the time he got out, and a man can't be much of a father from prison.

It was a simple plan, an elegant plan, a plan full of catharsis and messing with the system and getting justice in an unjust system.

But even the simplest plans have shades of possible error, and the most elegant plans still go awry.

Rather than use the standard utility truck for their mobile base of operations in Jersey, Winn managed to rent the house across the street from the family in question. This gave them much more space and electricity, as well as access to amenities like toilets and beds.

Thomas had, over the course of several conversations, gotten the necessary information from Dwayne. Dwayne's last name was Jensen, and he lived with his father, mother and three siblings in a three-bedroom townhouse in Jersey. Dwayne's father was named Jordan. He was 37 years old and had a prior record for reckless driving.

Ling had taken Donnelly and both Fosters with her. They had taken an incredibly wide variety of tools with them, all of the "point this thing at something a long ways away and learn something about it" variety. They had also taken a selection of lethal and non-lethal weapons. They weren't expecting to run into any issues, but Donnelly didn't want to be caught with his pants down.

By Ling's count, counting gun scopes and counting binoculars as two, they had taken over 25 telescopes of various sorts with them. They had also taken a set of shotgun mics so that they could hear what was going on inside the house. They also had an incredibly accurate laser rangefinder, which they could bounce off the windows to read the vibrations in the windows themselves (serving as a backup for the shotgun mics.)

Collecting the information took a couple of days, and nobody enjoyed doing it. Donnelly and Ling on separate occasions thought to dash across the street to stop something bad from happening. The ethics of this situation were a bit tricky. They had the power, the strength, to stop the horrible things going on in the house across the street. If they did this, however, Jordan would find out and things would be very bad. If the dad spun a story of how he had been set up in court it would blow the operation and land Mr. Stewart in a great deal of trouble.

In the end, they walked away with three days worth of complete footage across five cameras and six microphones. The evidence would be admissible in court, as long as it was clear that the team had made the recordings at her request. Thomas had had to clarify this with Dwayne, and ultimately a phone call from Winn was required to bring the mother onboard with the plan.

They had completed stage one of the plan. They had spent three days listening to the cries and tears of a family being terrorized by one man. They had watched as the mother had applied layers of foundation to her face and worn sleeves to her wrists to hide the scars and bruises from her husband. They had listened as every day, before school, the father had told his children that they went telling lies about him at school, that he would beat them when he got home.

Donnelly had been a little on the edge about the morality of this assignment before recording all of this. He had no qualms about it after.

The tapes revealed that the dad had a taste for fine brandy. A mailing was put in the mail for him, telling him (truthfully) that he had been given a seat on a tour of various fine distilleries, and it was an invitation that he didn't pass up.

The Unnamed had three days to rig the place.

"No, that piece goes there!" The set dresser had come to oversee the assembly of the distressed chemistry stuff, and was being very particular about what went where.

"I don't understand this," said Donnelly. "Why does it matter?"

"Because it must be perfect. If it is not perfect, the police will smell a rat and think something is going on behind the scenes. They will investigate more, and what they find might destroy our plan. That is why it is critical that the Erlenmeyer flask go here and not there."

Donnelly shifted the flask a quarter of an inch to the left.

The set dresser nodded, a quick jerk of the head really, and then moved on to the next piece.

Donnelly shook his head.

Once the chemistry glass was set up, the drug paraphernalia scattered around the house, and the family was educated on how to lie to the judge and lawyers, the only left to do was wait.

And wait they did.

Jordan's plane landed at JFK International Airport a day after The Unnamed had finished their trap. As had been arranged, Sergeant Foster picked him up from the airport in a taxi and had driven him back to his house. The police had been notified and were en route. The Unnamed were back in the house across the street, waiting to see if things would get ugly.

They did.

The team had placed a variety of microphones and cameras inside Dwayne's house, all of which were live streaming to the house across the street.

The look of shock and surprise on Jordan's face as he walked into the kitchen was immediate, directly followed by suspicion and anger. He was being framed, and he could see it clearly.

"Kelly!" he shouted, calling for his wife. "Kelly! What have you been doing here?"

Kelly, who had been hiding in the bedroom, came out to see her husband positively glowering.

What Jordan said next was loud enough that it overloaded the microphones and nearly deafened the team. Jordan took a step toward Kelly and raised his hand to hit her.

Donnelly made for the door at top speed. Ling pulled one of his feet out from under him, tripping him. Donnelly hit the floor hard.

"What was that for?" he demanded. "Do you see what's happening here?"

"I do," said Ling. "Do you honestly think, knowing my story, that I would prevent you from helping an innocent woman in this situation without a good reason? The police just crossed our perimeter. They are 15 minutes away. And if they show up to a visibly battered wife, it will make our case that much stronger."

Donnelly looked back at the cameras. Kelly appeared to have been hit twice across the face; both cheeks were blooming into bright red splotches that Donnelly knew would bruise soon enough.

In a jolt of motion, the NYPD showed up at the front door. After knocking twice, and after Kelly telling them to come in, they came in.

Donnelly watched the cops take it all in -- the bruised and slightly bleeding wife, the father, still red from anger (or was it embarrassment now? Donnelly couldn't tell) and the children, watching in horror. They saw the chemistry equipment, a complete concaine manufacturing operation. They saw the finished product, ready for distribution.

Jordan put his hands in the air.

It was over.

And the relief evident on Kelly's face was as clear and evident as the anger had been on the face of her husband, less than a minute prior.

The defense attorney was cross-examining Mr. Donnelly. The police had testified, an expert witness had verified the authenticity of the cocaine setup, and the team was now being put, one by one, on the witness stand.

"Mr. Donnelly," continued the attorney, droning into his long, white beard, "Where were you on the night in question?"

"You already asked me that," said Donnelly. "I was in the house across the street, watching the events play out on the cameras we had installed in the house in question."

The attorney coughed and continued. "And did you see, on the camera feeds you were watching, the defendant hit his wife?"

"No, but-" The attorney cut him off. "Why not? Your companions agree that they saw it."

"Ling tripped me. I was on my way out the door, before the abuse started, trying to stop the defendant from hitting his wife."

"Interesting." The attorney paused. "Mr. Donnelly, something doesn't add up to me. The domestic abuse, yes, I believe that. But cocaine? Not only does my client show a complete lack of cocaine in his bloodstream, but he doesn't show any drug traces at all, with the exception of alcohol and nicotine. Why would a man not interested in cocaine be making it?

"Mr. Donnelly, I've been doing this a long time. To me, this feels like a setup. Did you, or anyone you know or know of, conspire to frame my client?"

Mr. Stewart's attorney spoke up. "Objection, your honor. Mr. Donnelly is not on trial here."

"Overruled," said the judge. "This question is relevant. Continue, defendant."

The defense attorney turned back to Donnelly.

"Well?"

"No. Neither I, nor anyone I know or know of, tried to frame your client."

The defense attorney looked back to the judge. "I have no further questions."

The rest of the trial went as expected. Donnelly's lie was apparently convincing enough that the defense attorney made no further inquiries, and the forensics lab verified what Mr. Stewart's lab techs had said: it was indeed very pure cocaine.

Jordan Johnson was convicted of multiple counts of domestic abuse, as well as possession of illegal drugs with intent to distribute. Jordan insisted to the very end that he had no idea where it came from. The jury didn't believe him.

Winn and Donnelly were riding back to the nest together, Winn driving and Donnelly riding shotgun.

"You lied under oath today," said Winn. "That can't have been easy."

"I spent three years with the SEALs lying about who I was. This wasn't any harder."

"But still. I worry about you sometimes."

"Why?"

"Well, I guess I worry about everyone. But you... you've been through a lot. Your life can't have been easy.

"That, and, with the way you lied to that jury: how do I know, how do we know, that you're not lying to all of us? And what about the stuff you did as a SEAL? If you wanted to completely massacre everyone in the building, you could. What's stopping you? You clearly can, why don't you?"

Donnelly had to stop and think about what to say to that. Winn was beginning to wonder if he had forgotten, or not heard her at all when he replied.

"You're right, Winn. I could be lying to you all. If I wanted you all dead, I could arrange that.

"Here's the thing, though: so could you. You can do everything I can do. So can Port. So can Thomas. So can Ling. But we have consciences, little things inside us that tell us what is right and what is wrong. Just because I theoretically can doesn't mean I could actually pull it off."

"And what about what we did today? We framed this man. He is going to jail for something that he didn't do. That's wrong, isn't it?"

"There was no good solution here, Winn. You know that. We did the best we could in a really bad situation.Sometimes, justice transcends the justice system. That's what our moral compasses are for, decided when to work with the system and when to work around it."

Winn had no reply to that.

The divorce between Kelly and Jordan went through, and Kelly was working with Mr. Stewart's travel assistant, Barry, to get things set up in a new part of the country.

"Let's talk about the house," said Barry. "Do you have any specific requests?"

"I want it to be big enough, for one, and I want it to be in a nice part of town."

"Well, of course. That's not quite what I meant though. What color do you want it? Do you want it on one level or two? A couple large bedrooms or lots of smaller ones?"

"I don't care about any of that. I just want..."

"Want what?"

"It's stupid."

"I don't care. What is it?"

"I want blinds instead of drapes. My husband, before beating me or my children, would close those hideous green drapes in the living room so that the neighbors couldn't see. I always thought of them as the drapes of his wrath."

"No drapes. Got it."

[alifeleadsimply]

Single mama? Then self-care is even more important to your welfare!

Do you prioritise yourself? Do you remember that you have to take care of yourself? Have you ever thought about this?

I know. You are busy, the days are too short, the workload too heavy, the kids too demanding. Finding the time and space to take care of yourself can be challenging. Sometimes it can even feel impossible, especially if you have to do it alone. But for your own sake, as well as those around you, you need to make it a priority. If you do not, you cannot be surprised by burnout, exhaustion, foul moods, anxiety, and trying to exist, all in a mental fog.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({ google_ad_client: "ca-pub-5780888950421623", enable_page_level_ads: true }); Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Society puts so much pressure on us to succeed. Add to that obsessive, competitive personalities and additional pressure to be the best mother/daughter/ /businesswoman/friend/etc. and you have a recipe for disaster. For single mamas, the pressure is even more intense – we have the special edition mom-guilt that keeps us going even long after we should have stopped to rest. So often we don’t even notice that we are running at full steam, without ever taking a break to recharge. From the outside, it looks as if we have it all together – a thriving career, obedient well-rounded kids (who we most probably are homeschooling), a clean house. But on the inside, we are slowly dying of exhaustion. Of course, most of the goals that we are killing ourselves to meet were set by us ourselves, and only we will know if we do not reach them. But still, we allow the pressure to steal our time. The time that is also meant to be enough to take care of ourselves.

I have now officially been a single mom for 5 months. 5 long months. Not only have I had to deal with severe separation anxiety (my kids’, not mine) as well as grief, I have also had to weather the Corona storm. So we have been on this up-and-down rollercoaster of emotions, locked in our home, where we now have to learn and play and clean and live. Just us.

During this time, I have realised again that if I allow myself to slide, if I stop prioritising myself, my kids are the first to pay. I become short-tempered, irrational, and just plain mean. When I allow myself to refuel and find the joy in taking care of myself, I am a much better mom – a much better human being. And that is what my kids deserve. So self-care has now become a huge priority, and almost first on the weekly to-do list.

What is self-care?

Self-care is knowing who you are, and what you need to ensure your own tank is full. That tank includes your emotional, physical, intellectual, spiritual and social sides. All of these aspects must be balanced and fed, often, to ensure that you live instead of merely exist, that you thrive instead of just survive.

I found this beautiful definition when I did the research for this post. I cannot remember where it was from, so if you recognize it or it is your own, please let me know so that I can reference you! The author said something along the lines of:

"Self-care is not a one-time thing that you can tick off a bucket list. It’s the constant repetition of many tiny habits, which together soothe you and make sure you’re at your optimum—emotionally, physically, and mentally"

Do you want to be at your best – emotionally, physically, and mentally? I would dare to guess that your answer will be “of course”. Then focus on yourself for a bit. Self-care doesn’t have to take time, it can be small things that you do on a daily basis, which fits in in your busy schedule. And it also doesn’t have to cost a thing.

Self-care rests on 5 pillars:

Intellectual

Spiritual

Emotional

Physical

Social

Do something that supports and feeds each of these pillars as part of your self-care routine and you’ll nourish every aspect of your life.

Why?

If the promise of a better you were too vague to convince you, here are 5 benefits of practicing self-care that might make you see this differently:

1. Looking after yourself can actually improve your productivity

Saying “no” to things that would otherwise over-extend you simplifies your life in a wonderful way. When you do not have these mindless activities filling up your day you actually have time to spend on things that matter, allowing you to spend your energy on worthwhile activities.

2. It can increase your resistance to disease (boosts your immune system)

When you take care of yourself you activate your parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), allowing your body to rest, rejuvenate, and recharge. This feeds your system, giving it the energy and strength to fight off those nasties that would otherwise make you sick.

3. Self-care improves your self-esteem

Knowing that you are worth looking after immediately makes you value yourself more. Being good to yourself decreases negative self-talk, making you a more positive person in the long run. And positivity has many benefits!

4. It gives you the space to get to know yourself

When last did you take the time to figure out what you love, what you hate, what you don’t mind, and what you wish? Practicing self-care requires thinking about what you really love to do. The exercise of figuring out what makes you feel passionate and inspired can help you understand yourself a lot better.

5. If your own tank is full, you have more to give others

Self-care gives you the resources you need to be compassionate to others. Giving compassion is a bit like filling a bucket from another, bigger bucket; you can’t fill someone else’s bucket if you don’t have enough in your own bucket!

Little and often wins the day

Here are tiny ways to exercise self-care and take better care of yourself. I have grouped them together according to the 5 pillars of self-care. Pick one exercise or activity from each group and incorporate it into your life somewhere during the week.

Tiny self-care ideas for the mind (intellect)

1. Read a book on something that interests you. Not a magazine, an actual book.

2. Look at your to-do list. Scratch of the things that are not necessary, as well as those items that are transferred from list to list. If you are never going to do it, take it off the list.

3. Go cloud-watching. Lie on your back, relax, and watch the sky. Use your imagination to see shapes and scenes.

4. Change a routine in your life. Take another route to work, order a different coffee, or change your ringtone. Mixing up your routine in small ways creates new neural pathways in the brain, helping to keep it healthy.

5. Enjoy a big belly laugh. Find something that gives you joy, and that is absurdly funny. Enjoy!

6. Learn something new that challenges you, but that is fun at the same time, e.g. take a dance class, learn how to knit, do a crossword.

7. Be selfish. Do one thing today just because it makes you happy.

8. Do a mini-declutter.

9. Recycle three things from your wardrobe that you don’t love or regularly wear.

Capsule wardrobe: Minimise your wardrobe without minimising your style

My winter capsule

10. Get out of your comfort zone, even if it’s just talking to a stranger at the bus stop.

11. Edit your social media feeds, and delete or unfollow any negative people.

Tiny self-care ideas for the body (physical)

1. Run, jog or walk for a few minutes. Exercise of any kind is a great mood booster and de-stressor.

2. Make one small positive change to your diet for the week. Drink an extra glass of water each day, or have an extra portion of vegetables with each meal. This can also include eliminating something from your diet for the week – no chocolate, no milk, no coffee. Just remember this is not to punish yourself, rather reward yourself with better, healthier habits.

3. Be still. Sit somewhere outside, preferably in the sun, and be quiet for a few minutes. This is a stepping stone to meditation.

Essential oils for meditation: Using nature to improve your life

4. Use essential oils in a diffuser, to calm you, give you focus, energise, etc. Try peppermint to suppress food cravings and boost mood and motivation.

5. Listen to music. Explore different genres and new artists.

6. Do yoga. Even if you’ve never tried it. Doing a mindful practice has many more benefits than just giving you a good stretch.

7. Nap when you need to. Just 20 minutes can make you feel mentally and physically refreshed.

8. Say “no” to invitations when you’re simply too tired to enjoy them, or if the gathering will just drain you mentally.

9. Take a long bath, with bath salts and oil, candles, and soft music. Read or just lie there and dream.

10. Commit to enough hours of sleep per night, barring exceptional circumstances (figure out how much sleep you need to function optimally)

Essential oils for sleep: Using nature to improve your life

Tiny self-care ideas for the soul (spiritual)

1. Read the Bible, and be still with God.

2. Choose who you spend your time with today. This includes social media. Cut out people who only drain you.

3. Stroke a pet. If you don’t have one, go to the park and find one. (Ask first!)

4. Make a small connection. Have a few sentences of conversation with someone in customer services such as a sales assistant or barista.

5. Have a self-date. Spend an hour alone doing something that nourishes you (reading, your hobby, visiting a museum or gallery, etc.)

6. Identify one of your strengths. Think about what you’re good at, and find an opportunity to use it.

7. Ask for help—big or small, just reach out and allow someone else to be there for you.

8. Go to church.

9. Be creative, whether through art, music, writing, or something else entirely.

10. Go on a trip with the sole purpose of photographing things that inspire you.

Tiny self-care activities for your moods (emotional)

1. Keep a daily journal, and be totally honest about your feelings. Start a gratitude practice

2. Write a list of “feeling words” to expand your emotional vocabulary.

3. Make time to be with a friend or family member who understands you.

4. Let yourself cry when you need to. Allow yourself to experience your emotions.

5. Sing along to happy music.

6. Cuddle up under a soft blanket. It is ok to allow yourself to feel comforted and comfortable.

7. Watch the flames of a candle or a fire.

8. Have crazy good chocolate. Or a glass of wine.

9. Walk barefoot on the grass.

10. Volunteer to help a cause that means something to you.

Tiny self-care activities for your social life (social)

1. Make a date to have lunch or dinner with a good friend.

2. Write an email to someone who lives far away, but whom you miss.

3. Reach out to someone you like but haven’t seen in a while.

4. Consider joining a group of people who share your interests.

5. Stop socializing with those who undermine or disempower you.

6. Strike up a conversation with someone interesting.

7. Sign up for a class to learn something and meet new people at the same time.

8. Spend time with a parent or mentor—someone who makes you feel protected and inspired.

9. Look into local retreats where you can meet like-minded people and escape from society.

10. Hug someone you love (friend, family member, or your child) for 12-15 seconds—studies show this boost immune system function and prompt the release of calming hormones. Just make sure it is someone you know and like, 12 seconds can be very long!

I am convinced that you should be able to find at least one activity in the above lists that speaks to you, and that is easily added to your weekly routine (tip: if you don’t have a weekly routine, start your self-care journey by working out a weekly routine). Once you can comfortably get to that one thing, add another. Continue until you are satisfied. And while you are busy, teach your kids the importance of self-care – let us all do our part in raising a generation who knows how to value themselves.

[cutiecrates]

Cutie Reviews: Kawaii Box August 19

It’s time for another Kawaii Box review! I meant to do this one at least a couple of days ago, but it felt like every time I was about to work on it something else came up. But I’m here and ready!

Word of the month: Gakkou - School

“Everything you need to hit the books in kawaii style!“

Shimmery Mt. Fuji Pen & Donut Bunny Pen

I usually don’t start with the pens, but sometimes it can be fun to shake things up. So to start off a brand new school year, we’re lucky enough to get 2 adorable pens instead of just one~

One pen features a vibrant pastel bunny-shaped donut on top of the cap and blue ink. These come in a variety of colors- and despite how I feel about yellow, I still think this is pretty cute. The ink is blue which is quite unusual as we usually only get black ink. It’s a fine tip and it writes wonderfully and appears to only smear a small amount if you use a lot of it in one spot or thickly applied it and don’t give it a moment to dry. You can also remove the bunny donut and put it on other pens or pencils, or the “pen butt“ rather than the lid.

-----

Meanwhile, our other pen is a pretty and sleek, clear tube in comparison to the vibrant plastic-ness of the other one. These are also available in several colors, each topped with a clear water-filled Mt. Fuji filled with shiny stars and a decorative flower. This one is also fine tipped but has typical black ink, and it works the exact same as the other.

Honestly either pen would be nice to have :3 they’re both cute in different ways but they both also have a problem that bugs me. The fact the pen caps can’t be put onto the back of the pen. It’s not a deal breaker or anything, but its a little inconvenient.

Lollipop Highlighter Set

Besides our fun pens, we also have a set of cute highlighters- another semi-essential item for school. It seems like if you don’t buy them then you end up needing them, but then when you do buy them you probably never use them. But it doesn’t hurt to keep some on hand, and because they come in a little pouch they’ll be easy to locate. 

The highlighter is in the rounded base of the lollipop, and these are unscented.

The highlighters work well. I thought the awkward shape would make them difficult to use, and it did a very little bit, but they weren’t impossible to use. I’m a little disappointed they weren’t scented though, because as lollipops I think it would have been cute.

Shibanban Sticky Notes & Nekoni Mini Puffy Stickers

These next two items were a variety and somehow I got 2 sets of doggies. Our first is a 50-sheet set of doggy themed pieces of paper. The booklet says they are sticky notes, but this is more like a notepad. They’re not sticky at all. But its still useful as a notepad, and its double-sided; the front has these cute doggies print on it while the back has rows of lines.

There was a variety of dog designs from the brand Shibanban, and I think I got a cute one just in time for cooler weather~

-------

Our next item is also dog themed (in my case), a set of small, adorable puffy stickers by the brand Nekoni. The irony of seeing dogs on anything with the word neko in it always gets me; for anyone unfamiliar, Neko means cat.

This sheet consists of 24, 3-sets of stickers :3 the doggies are so CUTE! Cat person or not, I can still appreciate an adorable puppy- and these pups are beyond adorable! As much as I dislike repetitive stickers, I think I actually prefer it here because I’m more likely to use them due to the repetition. The stickers are slightly softened and squishy.

Kawaii Dessert Erasers

Next up is an adorable set of erasers x3 my elementary self who collected erasers fell in love with these, and my teenager self who collected those dessert puzzle erasers adores the plate they came on!

These erasers are available in a few varieties and colors, each ranging from sweet snacks to drink, cakes, and other desserts. I look at my set and it screams creamy, with the exception of the heart, which I think is supposed to be a box of chocolate? It might be a cake though. I like how they all seem to have some little details in common too, rather than being a whole mish-mash of random colors, which tend to make some things look cheap.

They feel very smooth, almost plastic like. But they seem to work well and didn’t give me any problems. If you like erasers as much as I do (and have some pencils or erasable tools) I’d recommend picking up a set on the Blippo.com website.

Fluffy Bunny Dancing Ears Hat

This is another item perfect to cooler weather, it’s very fluffy to help keep the head warm, and when you squeeze the bottom of the ears, they pop up!

I have to admit that despite how cute this is I was a little disappointed to see it. In a box I got some months back prior to this one (I believe it was a Yume Twins), we got this exact same hat. It’s only a coincidence though, and there is good news to this; if something were to happen to the one I now have a replacement, or I could give this one away to someone else.

Morinaga Green Tea BAKE

This next item was a mystery snack, and being the BIG fan of Green Tea I am (sarcasm I’ll have you know) I was dreading this. But I figured if it has Hello Kitty on it I should give it a chance, and I did have these before in a chocolate blend, with mixed opinion. So I figured this could be a win or lose.

SURPRISINGLY I’d actually give this a win! I was very shocked to discover I actually like this. Yes, it does taste like green tea, but it’s also a sweetened and light green tea. It has a lovely soft and crumbly texture too, and the entire pack is only 18kcal.

School Girl Aiko Notebook

Out of everything we got, I feel like a notebook is one of the most essential- next to writing tools anyway. You need something to use them in don’t you :P and this month features an exclusive Kawaii Box/Blippo.com notebook featuring Aiko in a Sailor fuku, or school uniform. She’s surrounded by typical Kawaii Box designs, and the background features a pretty pastel gradient.

The pages are blank design wise, but each features lines and a section on top for the name and date. The book itself is semi-sturdy, but it’s not extremely full. So if you don’t want to use it to take notes, you could just use it as a diary or makeshift planner, drawing pad, vocabulary sheet, etc. It’s very cute, if I was still in school I’d definitely bring it with me!

♥ Cutie Ranking ♥

Content - 5 out of 5: The items are very basic and typical of what we get in these boxes, so on one hand I was kind of bored with it and wanted to move on. But they’re also very sweet and cute, and practical so I don’t think they’re necessarily bad items.

Theme - 5 out of 5: There’s no way they could have failed this honestly.

Total Rank: 9 out of 10 Cuties. So, basically this box didn’t have a summer theme, which is okay because a lot of people begin school at the end of August or beginning of September- but at the same time, in doing a school theme I was completely bored with the items. A lot of these things we get normally, or on semi-occasion, and for me personally they’re not necessities because I already have so many. When I get a box, I really like the feeling of “ooh, I can’t wait to use this!“ and I didn’t get that.

♥Cutie Scale ♥

1. Mt. Fuji Pen - I’ve always loved liquid-filled items like these, they’re so pretty and a lot of fun to watch.

2. Dessert Erasers - These are very cute and detailed, the only thing I dislike is that after you remove the plastic wrap from them then they won’t stay on the plate. It’s fine if you’ll have it in a stable place, but it kinda loses meaning if you plan to put them in a pouch or something. 

3. Puffy Stickers - These are so cute, I don’t know which I like the most!

4. Donut Bunny Pen - I like how I can put the donut bunny on various other pens or pencil, but I dislike its yellow coloring- and the lid not being very useful is kind of a pain.

5. BAKE snacks - I was extremely surprised with these, they’re probably the only green tea item I ever liked up until now!

6. Aiko Notebook - I have a bunch of these but I do prefer the bigger ones to the much smaller hand-sized ones. They’re easier and can hold a lot more.

7.  Lollipop Highlighters - I’m not sure I’ll use these just yet because I have so many, but it could be fun to make a “highlighter assortment” with the various other ones I have.  

8. Bunny Hat - Only because I have 2 of them now. It’s very snuggly and sweet~

9. Shibanban Notes - They’re kind of cute but the design isn’t my favorite.    

[englishchinesetranslations]

HOW TO LEARN CHINESE

Like any languages there are bits that parts that are hard and parts that are easy.

The main reason Chinese is perceived as a "hard" language is that the most difficult parts of Chinese hit you on day one.

Think about the first word you learn: 你好. To be able to get decent "hello" out you'll have to:

Learn about a new English-looking but not-really-English alphabet called Pinyin.

Get a grip on Chinese pronunciation.

Understand what tones are and that 你好 has two third tones.

Further understand that these two third tones have a tone change, rendering them as 2-3 in speech but not in the pinyin

Come to terms with these squiggly seemingly-random looking lines that are the characters.

Boom. That's Day 1. Surprise!

Compare this with, say, French. By the end of day 1 of French you've probably picked up a couple of words, can faltering pronounce them and be understood and maybe even understand a little of what is being said to you in return.

European languages has (relatively) similar pronunciations, similar alphabets and similar vocabularies (ie. "hotel") that we can grab as frames of reference.

In the case of a European language the difficulty really starts to kick in a little later. Depending on the language it may be case endings, verb conjugation, word construction, tenses, plurals, gender or, if you are learning Finnish, all of the above (I say only half in jest...).

With a European language the hard parts hit you a little later. By this point you are maybe reaching pre-intermediate or intermediate level and you are invested. You've put in a year of work or so and resign yourself to just grinding through verb endings until they become automatic.

With Chinese, because the difficulty is so front loaded, you aren't invested. Thus, when hit by a wall of difficulty in the first couple of weeks, you have a decision to make.

Stick it out. Hope that Chinese gets a little more comprehensible after a month or so.

Give up. Throw your hands in the air and declare (All together now!) that Chinese is "too damn hard" and that no non-native could ever be expected to learn Chinese.

Sadly, without a proper reason for learning Chinese, without a goal that to stubbornly head towards, most people simply give up.

They take the Blue Pill.

To save face after giving up these people join the ranks of other failed Chinese students and start telling people that Chinese is "too hard". Nonsense.

Once you get past the difficulty hump at the beginning of learning Chinese the language becomes much simpler. There is a logic to Chinese that does not exist in European languages. Once you start to see this logic everything snaps into place very quickly.

The problem is that in the first few weeks it's impossible to see the woods from the trees. There's too much information to assimilate and no way to start to grasp the logic and patterns that Chinese is full of. Instead you tread water just trying to survive.

Get past this though and you realize that most parts of Chinese are easy. Gendered nouns? Pft. Plurals. Easy. Changes verb tenses. No problem. Case endings. What? Creating new words. Beautifully logical.

As a language Chinese is beautifully constructed. It's parsimonious and simple, in a fantastic way. But you need to get through the difficulty hump at the beginning to start to see the beauty.

How to actively do this? I've recorded a whole set of lessons about the best way to start off in Chinese (Blog article[1] and Videos[2]) but here's the gist:

Get a grip on pronunciation and pinyin.

Then overlay with tones

Start speaking ASAP via a free language exchange app like HelloTalk

Integrate some listening via Pimsleur/Michel Thomas or one of the many free audio courses at Open Culture

Once you have basic communication down THEN AND ONLY THEN worry about the characters.

Dealing with the Chinese characters at the same time as a foreign pronunciation system and a tonal system is too much. Instead learn each sub-skill one at a time and start to overlay them gradually. Otherwise you'll burn out.

The characters are the next "hard" part of Chinese. However, once you understand their logic and stop using old fashioned techniques to learn them they cease to be difficult. Instead they are merely time consuming!

The logic of characters is vitally important and is rarely if ever taught. Did you know that 90% of characters actually have some form of clue not only to their meaning but also about how to pronounce them?

When I realized this my mind was blown. Knowing this allows you to look at a bunch of new characters and guess how to say them out loud. If there's maybe one or two characters in a sentence that you don't know then you can guess using this knowledge and generally you'll be understood. Magic!

These characters are the sound-meaning characters and they make up 90%+ of the language. Unfortunately they aren't visually interesting like the pictograph/ideographs which make for graphically pleasing books like Chineasy. The problem with these "looks-like-a" characters is that they only make up 50-10% of the language. The rest is the un-sexy but super useful sound-meaning characters.

Here's about 30 minutes of me ranting on about how amazing the sound-meaning characters are.[3]

The sound-meaning characters are one example of how knowing about the language helps you speed up character acquisition.

The other way to speed up character (and word) acquisition is to use more modern learning techniques. Traditionally (ie. at Chinese schools) the way to learn characters is to damn well write them out so many times that they will eventually stick.

That method is fine if you are a Chinese kid growing up in China. You have decades of schooling ahead and lots more homework time. A time-intensive method is fine for kids.

For adults though these methods are mind-killers. Sitting down to write out 你好 50 times after lesson 1 is nobody's idea of fun. Again, having students do this in their first week of learning Chinese is going to cause more people to quit. And for good reason!

Nowadays we have much better methods for learning the characters. Once again I go into this in WAY more detail on the blog (and in this ~7 hour Chinese character video course[4], my magnum opus!) but here's an outline:

Break down the character into its constituent components. (Pleco dictionary has a built-in decomposition function).

Use the components to create a memory-aid; tell a story using the pieces. Hook the meaning and pronunciation of the character into this story. I personally use colours to signify the tones but there are lots of ways to use memory-aids to learn meaning, pronunciation and tones.

Add your new character + mnemonic to a flashcard or (preferably) into a Spaced Repetition System like Anki or, my preference, Pleco.

Review the new content using Spaced Repetition. If you get something wrong don't just tap Wrong but re-learn the character (break it down and create a new mnemonic if necessary).

Each week remove a certain amount of material from the SRS and write Sentences of the Week. Make short sentences from the characters/words you now recognize on sight. Use Lang-8 to get the sentences corrected. Add the sentences into you flashcards/SRS as "grammar cards" to help you understand the structure of the language.

Use your Sentences of the Week in conversation using iTalki or HelloTalk or face-to-face. I prefer HelloTalk because it is so low-friction. You need to remove any barriers that would stop you from communicating regularly.

During Usage make note of new content you want to learn. This could be corrections to your existing sentences or completely random language nuggets you want to capture.

Loop the new material from Usage back to Step 1 above. Run through a similar process of breaking down, creating memory-aids, using SRS, writing sentences and then communicating.

Repeat.

Using a method like this (or indeed any method except rote-learning grinding out of vocabulary lists by writing out characters hundreds of times) can help you learn the characters and words you need fast.

When I was learning Chinese I hit 75-100 characters a day using this system, with 90% recall a week later. That was 2 hours of study a day which is likely more than most people will have to dedicate. That said, if you don't have much time to study it is even more important to have a decent character learning system in place. Otherwise it will take years and years to become literate - and chances are you'll give up during the process!

So, in answer to your question:

For a native English speaker the first few weeks/months of Chinese are more difficult than other foreign languages BUT once you cross that difficulty hump Chinese in many ways becomes easier.

Learning the characters is time consuming rather than difficulty per se BUT even then there are ways to make the process much more efficient and, dare I say it, fun.

At the end of the day though the difficulty of a language is never a good reason to start or not start learning a language.

If you have a really good reason for wanting to learn a language then you'll blow through the difficult parts no problem - they'll be small bumps that you'll drive straight over in your rush to get to your goal.

If you don't have a good reason for learning Chinese though then these small bumps will take on Grand Canyon sized proportions. "I want to learn Chinese for economic reasons" or some similarly weak reason just won't hack it when you hit rough patches.

This is the same for anything that is worthwhile doing. Worthwhile stuff takes time, effort, passion and willpower.

PS. Don't worry about the dictionary lookup competitions. Chinese people, like everyone else sensible, use electronic dictionaries nowadays.

Footnotes

[1] How to Learn Chinese - Sensible Chinese

[2] First Week in Chinese - Sensible Chinese

[3] Sound Meaning Free Lesson - Sensible Chinese

[4] Sensible Chinese Character Course - Sensible Chinese

[pristinepastel]

Chapter 12: Health and Fitness

key: -Written Word.-

“English.”

“Translated Thedasian.”

———

Now the physical labor begins. Before any training can start, Osiria gives me a full medical checkup.

-You’re very underweight, you know this?- Since this is a private checkup, she’s using her slate to write to me in english.

-What sorts of mental issues are you referring to?- She asks, while bending me over to check for scoliosis, which she’ll find a minor case of.

“Autism, depression, anxiety- But autism is the one affecting my appetite the most. I have very high sensitivity when it comes to textures, especially in food. For instance I can’t stand when something is mostly gooey but also dry- like burnt or clotted cheese on a pizza. Can’t stomach it. Same with scrambled eggs with dry crackly edges.”

-If you end up eating it, does it come back up?- She asks, while making notes on a piece of parchment to the side.

“Usually my body just refuses to swallow it. Can’t go back up if it was never down in the first place, right?” She starts taking my pulse. “Also applies to medicines, both liquid and solid. I once took tuna only to throw up later, and I gag I have to take any chalky syrup or chewable pills.”

-I see. My sister is the same in that regard. Speaking of.- She pauses for a moment while writing, and stares at the slate before continuing. -What happened to her? If that’s a question you can answer.-

“Of course! She’s fine. She didn’t end up in Thedas, she’s somewhere else. Remember that show you watched together?”

She stares at me incredulously. -She’s in Supernatural?-

“Yep.”

-Goodness.-

“She’s doing fine, like I said. She’s mostly just someone the brothers can consult on spirit related issues, with her being a medium and all.” I snort. “Also she’s ended up in a relationship with Gabriel.”

She huffs into breathy laughter. -Truly? If I didn’t know better I’d say that was out of character, but.-

We laugh together for a little while, before Osiria lets me put my shirt back on and ends the appointment.

-I’ll make some recommendations to the others. It’s for the best if they don’t work you too hard too fast.-

“Or too furious?”

She swats me with the parchment, and sends me out of the cabin and on my way.

———

Thank goodness the others respect her judgment, because if this training was any more intense I’d probably be dry heaving every other hour. As it is, I just get winded and sore- which is better than the last time I had a gym class. Other than the basic jogging and sprinting and ducking and what have you, they’re also teaching me how to jab with the staff/polearm Harrit made me. It’s a bit tiring, but not as exhausting as swinging it would be. I’m not a violent person anyway, I’m content with pushing away enemies for allies to deal with instead. It’s preferable to hurting my shoulders with heavy swords and shields, or getting in too close with knives and daggers.

It’s not just physical training I’m going through, either- Shiloh and Osiria are teaching me the basics of their language. Shiloh’s focusing on basic fereldan vocab-like how to say “my name is” or “nice to meet you”- and Osi is teaching me a couple of phrases in her version of sign language. Thankfully I already know the alphabet, so even in a pinch I can understand her without needing her to use a slate.

But goddess is thedasian pronunciation difficult.

———

The entire week and a half has the same schedule every day- Wake up, Wash up, Breakfast, Speed Training, Lunch, Vocabulary, Combat Training, Dinner, Stretch, Sleep. And then, the Fade. Rinse and Repeat.

While the work outside the Fade gets a bit monotonous after a few days of it, in my dreams things get a lot less repetitive. I continue the trend of singing Posey and Wispy a new song every night, and then cuddle with them until I wake up. Sometimes Solas comes by with questions about Earth. I also surprise him with a few questions of my own.

“Oh? I thought you already knew these things.”

“Not everything!” I get where he’s coming from though, so I’ll just try to explain it with liberal further use of my broken window metaphor. “Picture the shards of glass again. Imagine that you can see most of the outside, but some parts are obscured- maybe the glass has warped or bubbled, maybe it got smudged when someone looked too closely, maybe there’s dust or dirt on it.”

He nods slowly. “I see… what’s the reason behind this knowledge not being mentioned in the ‘story’ of this world, as you described it?”

“Have you ever read a book where the author takes the time to mention every time the protagonist needs to take a shit? Or mention something like the intricacies of the world's economy and trade routes when it has no bearing on the story?”

“Ah, I see. The ‘author’ didn’t want to bog the reader down in unnecessary detail.”

“Exactly. Now can you please explain to me why the Fuck people keep leaving books everywhere?? They could get moldy, especially in wet snow!”

———

As slow as the week and a half had seemed while I was slogging through it, it also felt shorter than it was. It was finally time to travel down the Frostbacks and into the Hinterlands.

Osiria’s recommendations came through once again, as it was decided that I should sit in a cart as we made the trip down. In an effort to save time and keep me healthy, it was decided that I not walk the whole way down myself. Less rest stops this way.

In the game, the trip takes a few minutes while the game loads everything in, but in real life I’m certain it’ll take at least a week. I say goodbye to the nice bed I’ve been sleeping in for the past few weeks, thankful that I’m at least taking my blanket with me.

I just hope I don’t get motion sick.

[reviewsforeverything-blog]

EVOLVE by Imagine Dragons – A (slightly biased) Review

Hello there, humans (and potentially ad spamming robots and hyper intelligent apes) of the internet! If you are anything like me, you have been counting down the days until this album release while annoying anyone who dares to cross your path with fervent rants about the awe-inspiring and charming band that is Imagine Dragons. Now that it’s (finally) here, I will waste no time critiquing, ripping, and analyzing the music until I possibly ruin it for hundreds of innocents. Enjoy! WARNINGS: I AM A FAN, SO I MAY BE BIASED. DESPITE THIS, I CAN BE VERY CRITICAL IN MY REVIEWS. PLEASE TRY REMEMBER THAT CRITICISM CAN BE CONSTRUCTIVE. I ALSO TEND TO REFER TO MUSICIANS WITH THEIR FIRST NAME (I thought that might be offensive to someone somewhere, so I thought I’d mention it).

1: I Don’t Know Why – 16/20

Lyrics (4/5): The lyrics definitely piqued my interest. There is interesting contrast throughout the song (“we could be strangers in the night” versus “we couldn’t be closer if we tried”). Generally, the lyrics are different and striking enough to encourage a deeper examination. However, the bridge and chorus were repeated a good deal near the end of the song, which lead to less thought and more mindless background music. Vocals (4.5/5): There is one part when Dan (the lead singer) seems to be straining his voice to reach higher notes (while singing the word “dangerous”), but otherwise the vocals are excellent. Instrumentation (4.5/5): As usual with any Imagine Dragons song, “I Don’t Know Why” has an interesting mix of various instruments, notes, and sounds. Despite being a salad of varying pitches, the song flowed very well and turned out quite catchy. The heavy bass beat is very common in mainstream music, but this song does a moderately good job reimagining its usage. Originality (3/5): At points this song does feel a little repetitive. If a listener had never heard of Imagine Dragons before and is introduced through this song, I fear that they could reach a completely incorrect evaluation of the band. This song could make Imagine Dragons seem like an impersonal, trendy, and repetitive pop band instead of the amazing, unique, and deeply personal band that they truly are.

2: Whatever It Takes – 19.5/20

Lyrics (5/5): The vocabulary in this song is fresh and fascinating (not to mention educational). The overall meaning of the lyrics was inspiring and thought inducing, which is exactly what I look for in music. These lyrics are also personal and provide a lot of insight into how Dan feels about himself as a person and an artist. Vocals (5/5): Dan shows off his talent for singing for quickly and precisely in the verse and pre-chorus. He makes use of the potential his voice contains in many different ways in this song, which I love to hear from any singer. Instrumentation (4.5/5): The music was perfectly on time with the lyrics, and the build up to the chorus was done well. The only problem is that it is quite simple for Imagine Dragons. (This does not warrant much of a point deduction because the simplicity might be intentional in order to emphasize the amazing lyrics.) Originality (5/5): There are at least three different parts to this song that tie together nicely and keep the listener on their toes. It’s hard to reach this level of variation and still have something that sounds synchronized and (in my personal opinion) astounding. The lyrical content was deep and extensive as well. The multifaceted feel is why (in my opinion) “Whatever It Takes” is one of the best Imagine Dragons songs. As you can probably tell by this point, “Whatever It Takes” is definitely one of my favorites off of “Evolve.”

3: Believer – 18.5/20

Lyrics (5/5): The lyrics follow a very organized progression, starting out with Dan enumerating a list of things he wants to communicate to his audience. The overall message of the song is necessary and meaningful. It’s easy to forget that the painful moments of life are typically the very moments that contribute the most to our character and ultimately, our futures. Vocals (5/5): Dan shows that even while screaming at the top of his lungs, his voice sounds markedly better than the majority of pop singers who attempt to sing live without the aid of their precious auto tune (a little off track, but worth mentioning). Instrumentation (4.5/5): The song repeats the same background notes throughout (which makes it conveniently easy to play on the ukulele). On one hand, this is a little too repetitive. On the other hand, this repetition consequently makes the music catchy and hard hitting despite the somewhat minimalistic approach. Originality (4/5): While simplicity in a song can be good, too much can make it like something is missing. The lyrics were definitely original, seeing how they were highly personal and deep enough to cause any listener to become lost in the meaning. However, I feel that the band was not showcasing their full potential when it comes to instrumental variety. Seeing how this song became extremely popular, it is evident that there is nothing in it that is intentionally shocking or radically new that would alarm listeners (which is both a good and a bad trait).

4: Walking The Wire – 18/20

Lyrics (4.5/5): This song is romantic, but also contains advice that does not have to apply to love alone. There is an element of risk and chance in life that this song is focused on capturing. I noticed that the lyrics are not particularly deep, but the song is still thought provoking and surprisingly encouraging (which is generally new for Imagine Dragons lyrics). Vocals (5/5): The singing is particularly beautiful to match the pace and tone of the song. Even the screaming is gentle (if that makes sense). There is one part where Dan says the word “love” in the most emotional and raw way while the music slows and pauses. The fact that they focus on small details is one of the many reasons I love Imagine Dragons. Instrumentation (4.5/5): The pace of the music is definitely slower than other songs on the album, and therefore less intense in places. In a way, this is a relaxing change from the hard hitting beat of “Believer.” There is an interesting layer of sounds that makes this song a new experience every time it is heard (I know this because I’ve heard it at least five times in the past thirty minutes). Originality (4/5): Overall, this song stays true to the style of Imagine Dragons while bringing some new elements to the table. It breaks the mold of the cliché love song with a message that is applicable to multiple situations.

5: Rise Up – 19/20

Lyrics (5/5): The title could be a reference to the album cover, which features a man floating upwards bathed in tricolored light. I personally appreciate references like this and think that they reflect dedication on the Artist’s part. The lyrics themselves are beautiful, personal, and emotional. Vocals (4.5/5): The singing is very rough in places, which adds to the song in some parts and grates on the ears a bit in others. Most of the time, it creates a more emotional experience, but at the same time I felt somewhat like the focus of attack. Some auto tune is used to distort Dan’s voice as he repeats the word “rise,” which creates a very enjoyable effect to listen to. Instrumentation (5/5): The violin-esque noises in the pre-chorus are very fitting and are used well to build up to the chorus. The music is all around dramatic. In the bridge, the music completely changes, but still matches the dramatic yet flowing melody that appears in the rest of the song. Originality (4.5/5): The lyrics are very specific and unique to this song in particular. The music followed these lyrics masterfully, despite somewhat lacking variety. This song is one of my personal favorites, mainly because of the emotion and drama that creates a truly outstanding piece of art.

6: I’ll Make It Up To You – 13/20

Lyrics (3/5): The repeated sexual references confuse me, since Imagine Dragons has never been associated with sex before in my mind. While bands like Panic! At the Disco could pull off these suggestive remarks with deadly charm (because we all now to expect such things from Brendon), they sound out of place in an Imagine Dragons song. There are some good moments in “I’ll Make It Up To You” (“promises are nothing more than fleeting thoughts”) which saved it some points concerning the lyrical aspect of this song. Vocals (4/5): Dan sounds slightly whiny in the chorus. This is unusual for him, and it definitely surprised me. Other than this one instance, he sounds as excellent as he always does. Instrumentation (4/5): The guitar and piano pair for the intro was an amazing decision, and the well placed finger snaps were as well. For the bridge, the music changed subtly, which flowed very well with the lyrics and built up to the chorus nicely. Finally, the guitar solo at the end was very pleasing to me. Despite these small details, the music as a whole was not especially unique. Originality (3/5): There are many love songs out there today, and this particular one would not stand out much if it was not for the musical talent and amazing singing that Imagine Dragons is known for. Some interesting parts found in the music keep this song from being too unoriginal.

7: Yesterday – 19.5/20

Lyrics (5/5): The message these lyrics present is very relatable. The passage of time has always captured the human imagination, and “Yesterday” does an excellent job of examining that interest. Instead of being filled with regret as many of us are when contemplating our pasts, Dan claims that he regrets nothing. Lines such as “no tomorrow without a yesterday,” “you can do anything you wanna,” and “anywhere your dreams could take you” encourage listeners to rise above their doubts and look forward to the future. The lyrics are deep enough to be interesting, and light hearted enough to be inspirational. Vocals (4.5/5): The distortion and strain in Dan’s voice is a very dramatic and risky choice. One could love it or hate it, and personally, I love it (I took off a half point because this is opinion is certainly debatable). This is the kind of chancy novelty that is lacking from modern pop music. (Dan’s ordinary voice is still top notch.) Instrumentation (5/5): The piano chord introduction opens up nicely with the first distorted lines of the song. The clapping in the background adds to the peculiarity and rhythm of the music. The drums in this song were well synced to the lyrics. The guitar is also synced (and its solo is well placed). A good way to explain the music in “Yesterday” simply would be synchronized, bizarre, and hard hitting. Originality (5/5): The music in this song is very original and mind bending, and so is the way the vocals are modified and utilized. The lyrics are supported by this flavorful mixture to create a unique and fresh song that will certainly be circulating through my playlists for years to come.

8: Mouth of The River – 18/20

Lyrics (4.5/5): The second verse of “Mouth of The River” brings back memories of “Polaroid,” both songs being highly personal and specific to Dan. The lyrics are interesting and attention grabbing, though there is a good deal of repetition near the end. Vocals (5/5): The voices in the chorus sound soft almost choir like, which is quite interesting and lovely. There is a part in the second verse in which Dan’s voice cracks slightly, but since this seems intentional in order to increase the emotional appeal, it can hardly be considered a mistake. Overall, the vocals in this song are one of its most positive areas. Instrumentation (4.5/5): The high pitched electronic beeping noises (for lack of better explanation) build up to the guitar. The drums are intense, and paired with the guitar throughout the song. This music basically repeats itself with some variability. The main point of change occurs during the bridge when the instruments reach a climax, all joining together, only to cut out and leave only the beeping noise to accompany the singing. The bridge ends with the drums leading back into the chorus (which sounds great, by the way). Originality (4/5): This song is a little repetitive, but the chorus has some unique lines that make me interested to see how fans will interpret them. The vocals are magnificent in this song and create an almost gospel sound that had not been previously seen in Imagine Dragons’ music.

9: Thunder – 19/20

Lyrics (5/5): This song is a celebration of the success and recognition Imagine Dragons (more specifically Dan Reynolds) has experienced over the years. It is also a comment on how society seems to encourage people who fit into certain boxes. Dan has denied these boxes and found his fame through his own methods. I personally can relate to the lyrics (I am still not sure if “scheming for the masses” is a common hobby or not) and find them a great “in your face” to those who believed that Imagine Dragons would never make it to the top of the musical food chain. Vocals (5/5): Dan manipulates his voice excellently to highlight the lyrics in the verses. The harmonizing in the chorus makes me want to become a lead singer of a band right away (despite having little to no talent when it comes to singing). Instrumentation (5/5): Minimalism sometimes falls flat in music, but it works perfectly in this song. There is still enough variation present to keep things interesting, while not overloading the listener with too much experimentation. The thunder sound effects in the beginning and the end are an amazing addition. Originality (4/5): The music definitely contained some unique aspects; however, there was an undoubtedly pop sounding background to “Thunder” (which is probably what helped make it so popular). Other than that, this song is a recollection of what formed Imagine Dragons in the first place, and therefore cannot be anything but unique to the band alone.

10: Start Over – 14/20

Lyrics (3/5): Once again, the lyrics are uncharacteristically sexual for Imagine Dragons, which makes some parts of “Start Over” feel superficial. There is a large chunk of repeated lines at the end of the song and only nine (very short) differing lines. The message of the lyrics is not very deep. It simply describes how a lover wishes to reunite with an ex-lover (like we haven’t heard that before). However, a well used literary device somewhat redeems the lyrics. The line “silence screaming” paints a very captivating picture that is the highlight of lyrical content in this song. Vocals (5/5): You cannot argue with the quality of Dan’s voice regardless of what he sings. He brings strong emotion to the otherwise flat lyrics, making his singing the best part of this song. Instrumentation (4/5): The echoic quality of the music is interesting, as well as the higher notes played throughout. The drums are also on point. All in all, this song sounds musically like it was composed by Imagine Dragons (though it does not show as much variety as usual). Originality (2/5): Repetition near the end and much overused themes (love, sex, long distant relationships… yeah, we get it) potentially makes “Start Over” the least original Imagine Dragons song to ever be made. Because of this, “Start Over” is my least favorite song on the album.

11: Dancing in the Dark – 17/20

Lyrics (4/5): There is definitely something interesting going on in the lyrics, but it feels hidden by the distorted voices and slow music. It seems like there is something deep to find in this song. Vocals (5/5): The voice editing in this song is quite eye (or ear) catching. It adds an intriguing twist to Dan’s singing, and adds to the song (instead of taking away from it, which auto tune can sometimes do). Dan also seems to have no trouble hitting the high notes here. Instrumentation (4.5/5): The music is low and gentle with a slight echo, which conveys the feeling of floating (which is a good thing, by the way). There are some beautiful notes at the beginning that provide a great introduction to the song. The electric guitar plucks add some variety. The entire song had a very “remix” feel to it, which I am not quite sure I like. Originality (3.5/5): One thing I noticed is that the title is exactly the same as a single created in the past by Rihanna. I am not sure whether or not this was intentional, but the name will probably remind most people of “that Rihanna song” instead of “that Imagine Dragons song.” The lyrics present a puzzle that could turn out to be truly amazing, and the music is interesting to me that it will probably be lulling me to sleep in the foreseeable future.

Overall album rating – 191.5/220 or 87%

That was… intense. In my personal and very unprofessional opinion, “Evolve” is an overall musical masterpiece and is definitely worth ten dollars. It is not my favorite Imagine Dragons album, but it does contain some of my new favorite songs. There’s something for everyone in this album, so chances are if you don’t like a couple songs, you will like some of the others. Anyways, thanks for reading (if you actually did without skipping to the end)!